Performative Writings vol.i

PERFORMATIVE

WRITINGS ☞vol.i

to the free.

preface ✣ this book is a compilation of written word mostly oriented to the art of speech. the pages that follow are covered with a very personal signature of phonetic games, playing with sounds and rhythm. there I’m explor‐ ing feelings and sensations. in short: the nightlife uni‐ verse and the world outside. to complete the book I de‐ cided to join an illustration to each piece. hope you enjoy! oscarpmlopes June, 2020

olha a jeitosa olha a jeitosa saiu à rua lá vai ela toda singela mas vai de olhar pesado mal humorado até me faz sentir um embaraço tivesse eu nervos de aço para me fazer aquele pedaço pena que tão singela se perca em ser má venha daí a princesa da simpatia e que me traga alguma alegria feliz daquele que Fiel ao coração e desperto de pensamento se livra é certo, de tal tormento e ela que tão singela se não se cansa em ser má ainda acaba mais pesada que pesado o seu olhar

6

7

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

ah! that’s what I say when the job is about to be done I say: for the day you know? a lot in which I did all my life to get to it and when the burn reach out it’s hard to step through without… you know, I step not too much anymore I have learned along the way those steps are dangerous and get to burn not just the brain they burn everything all your life and what you give many times I have the burn many times I feel too tired I stayed tired I stayed quiet I fought what burns I fight all the time and there’s nothing to fear now

8

9

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

the heart you have on your arm I see the heart you take it anywhere you go I do, I grab my heart too but I don’t have any tattoo my heart punches strong punches my chest punches my mind punches so strong it hurts sometimes it punches! and I get to scream I scream out of my instinct my eyes lose control and tear apart the tears run after my heart they run together non stop till I slow down now my scream is fading slowing my heart stays in silence and I can only hear and see the rest of that high pitch ceasing where once was was, a blowing, noisy, mean, ear to be

10

11

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

the price of being wild that’s the price of being wild all these feelings they bite they bite my soul it’s almost impossible I’ve been enduring my spirit, my whole I’ve been enduring with all this work and I look into all those masters I look into who lives with all that art who leaves to art what the heart wants to be

12

13 13

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

the fiction of the feelings story is fiction everything is life is a story the story we all need to fix fiction is something something we all need something we all try to turn real we can’t run away from it with fiction we story many things with fiction we story lives while lives fiction stories stories fiction minds then, with the mind we get to suffer many times ignoring we’re leaving up to fiction what fiction does the best creating the idea we’re part of the rest 14

15

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

hide and seek is she fine? really? probably no but why is she playing this game? always on hiding escaping and skip I can’t find her because she hides and seek I don’t know why she hides I don’t know why she escapes to the other side maybe it’s because Yeah, I start to think that maybe she just hates me apart from that they always ask what’s the thing I’m doing now “are you writing lyrics?”

I say: well, yeah, but not right now ideas! that’s what makes me write I’m gonna do it all night 16

17 17

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

I am the frame in which I portrait the world I’m portraying the world on a frame waiting for something to grab my words are not that special but they make me stop stop to think that’s what we do sometimes I see many people It’s very crowded right now we all need some space and get close to each other every once in a while I use my corner nobody bothers me except when I show of some masculinity no, not really I mean I’ve been always neutral I’m the one who always remains under control now, let’s go what if guess nobody likes to see a door shuting right in your face! that’s when you have to ask: “did you see me?

I guess you didn’t okay, I leave it right here I leave you right there and please don’t dare to bother me again!”

18

19

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

I don’t want to apologize

20

I guess we met we met for a reason I respect that but you know I’m very clear I wanna beer actually I don’t and I really don’t care I got so deep into this work I have no idea if I should grab those glancing eyes or the ideas I have to rise I see him stepping forward I see something one more episode if you look at me you’ll see man! I’m here!

I live here! anywhere I go, I’m always home “what do you want?” he asked before the laugh she smiled and I see a shot going to where it mights one cigar, I mean cigarettes maybe a phone call she’s gonna go out I don’t like to do it but I will until it goes it goes away i could not stay what about? many things oh! so many I don’t like what I’m doing I don’t like in a way I don’t! but you know it well I mean, maybe you just can’t never mind they’re coming back we’re go again

21

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

communicating chaos let’s write an interview I want to connect with you or maybe… better just talk stick to what it comes: - “how’s working for you?”

- “I don’t know this is what I do and you?” keywords: Dutch expeditions Portuguese the best! making the mess, I guess what about English, Spanish, French great things yes, they did they do what a big world we have for me and you - “Oh, you’re a paranoid!” but who? the world once was flat now we go all around and that’s it if we don’t change perspectives we risk to get stuck right where the others go right where they want

22

23

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

24

Let’s get universal

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

I also do universe unique unified ultimately on top of everything king of galaxies plural in a way the cosmos is present in everything there’s also a thing about the light crossing the universe traveling through time now we stop at the light the light that makes us see we are so distracted we don’t realize the light is the travel that travels through time travels so fast we cease to see forgetting the light is energy and that is the universe we have here to live 25 25

the spring breaker look, as many flours as you see the color the fragrance they spread won’t you desire to consume all that vibrance? turn it into dust destroy it to the ground? what makes us a beast? do flours shine brighter in the cradle of destruction? is the monster possessed by envy? is the monster an ugly flour? where’s the place to be? what to do when you find yourself in the wrong place? would you feed cannibal flours with your own blood? what’s the point of not being able to fulfill your own will? is destruction the answer? the cure? where should we invest our hopes then? should we follow beauty and perfection? lay down on a carpet of colors and perfume? accept what is better than us and give ‘em what we do best keep them alive make them grow and multiplicate but we do bad too sometimes things blow they burn, we make them suffer we make things so ugly a can of beans may look the next miracle of life what about flours then?

26

27

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

happy what is happiness after all? losing control? seems to me that could be a story I could tell a nice story for me a story in which I could exist not losing control I mean, I’m not that young I’m not that old but man, dealing with such in between is not easy not for me now, breaking apart destiny just gave me a card five of swords I’m gonna look check into it now bet my future I mean, imagine!

I’m way to precocious to gamble with my truth I’m way to precocious to gable with that game my truth is very precious and my life is not to play

28

29

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

gloria shout out gloria! while I stand still cheering they cheer yeah!

I am steel shout out gloria! stay real I real you?

30

31

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

I like your pants stripes grey and black with a hat two braids thumb ring what a thing! both hands right and left I see her through the window texting smart with the phone the jacket is purple but not that deep I look at her take my notes at the bar quiet while I sit I would text her what I say now to this page but she… she looks so busy, what a waste and I I’m just here most of the times feeling I’m burning out the all hole of my life

32

33

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

redeeming my brain anything else for today? redeeming my brain taking it back harvest what produced this day make it look sharp and bright that’s my way at the moment by the way and I do it to keep on going I do it to keep the work in progress progress is what I need many people tries the same you need a lot of discipline don’t you mate? and what about the pot?

I guess just met the mop not here somewhere else probably in the toilet

34

35

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

turning around see what’s going what’s going on I’m going no, I’m not not before only after this one is gone I need to make it done I have a new plan and I’m going to make it square I’ll catch it, I don’t care!

36

37

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

what about them? here we are my friends I see the mop but where’s the pot? no way I could see it the pot? what? guess I’m running out of my spot I can’t manage to stop that is my spot I do it non stop I do it a lot lately I do it until I can’t go no more that’s how I am that’s what I do I do my spot there’s no elsewhere for me to be I am my own revolution I’m the rebel fighting against my own me heroes? what about?

38

39

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

not really fun thing I don’t need a drink not at all not anymore my thirst is no longer the one I used to have before now I drink for the cause I drink for the need I also drink to remain where there’s a place for me

40

41

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

5 minutes when I have no time I write like a strike I strike with my pen the strokes of my ink blue is the color I use for these strikes and I keep on striking the strokes my pen allows me to write

42

43

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

warm-up two candles latin music percussion out of my pace changing moods a new age laptop on top over the table me‌ with my book my note book gathering the calls to what my instinct can read universe is chaos and the flu is leaving nice to meet you have a nice week

44

45

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

to a different thing strange scar scare sketch I do you? he said he wanted to thinking about it right now I think he just wanted to screw me out grab my book to tear it apart and that’s so strange it feels so bad all this struggle the strange impression I have that everything I do is about to meet the end

46

47

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

the fever is burning my skin I make it sweet playing with the breeze enjoying the moment what comes from there yeah, I do! considerably looks easy but is hard break or stick with it routine is sick! ah! forget it what a crap!

48

49

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

back to recall push remember the words there’s still material you know, that is yes, that is yes, indeed I did I did it many times before dropping down back to the bone back to my core my main core the core is my root I play it with any chord C major, D minor, sharp notes my favorite!

I do sharp and sharp does me I sharp roots and they sharp me

50

51

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

recall March make a list places to be within journalism and philosophy among with many other things like music pop, rock, heavy metal, and eventually some other new style yet to be found there was also space to share a draw and for some more there was more like Ireland who knows? while you say it I record

52

53 53

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

the assets of a soul that’s my true call I’ll also look into you your good features too and what if I attempting on getting the things right spending and wasting way to much time so much time (as I said it forward and rewind) and by not seeing why I keep on doing my thing, right?

I do what’s right yeah! following my heart that hurts sometimes and I’m getting so old of these games to survive

54

55 55

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

muscle agitation endurance and stamina guys, I am speed! that’s what I need man I am strong I fight for the whole world the ideas coming, leaving, through the night meeting me back during sunrise and I can’t don’t know how or even why the way to stop this struggle we are all used to call time

56

57

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

recessing the lobes small brain big jaws! you must be playing playing, what? against yourself bro but no… just putting ideas together against each other out loud like a storm there’s no now only when, after, and how that’s the way we work it out please don’t wait no more and give me that god damn call!

58

59

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

a bit more writing today? why not?

I still have words for you the words are endless, infinite what about it? how many words do you know? how many words there is in the world? we could stay talking forever with so many words to say I could tell you how I love you in so many ways you’d fall for the love I found in all these words just to say the exact same thing

60

61

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

about ideas ideas where do they come from? planted a forest of ‘em dude! what are you talking about?

I don’t know I really don’t know how know I? I’m kinda lost there that happens when and with so many ideas planted where I harvest ‘em come to meet me where I make them real call me lumberjack if you want but with so many cuts I lose myself constantly so many times I can’t even count don’t know how to recall they just mess me out they mess me around I can’t do anything other than just let them go out go out! out! go!

62

63

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

the call to the next episode there is a call I am pretty sure look to my forehead, I look like a fiend! my beast is within a lion or something you know? the steel bends but I don’t well…

I do! but only for the right purpose that’s how it goes this is me dealing with all the new stuff and my mind blows sometimes I find no means to say how or why I even get to feel the cold out of nothing many times they say we all have the fever yeah, it took me quite a while to understand it took me quite a while starting the long road to know why

64

65

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

DIY I can’t recall how I used to do it anymore I guess I’m just doing differently now DIY I am all about it but I only had one life so far as long as I remember at least I try to remember I really insist but there’s nothing I could recall nothing other than what from this life I could sought

66

67

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

about Frankenstein and family who’s the father of Dr. Frankenstein. The beast? Is the father using his own son to steal the love was promised to his descendent? A delusional character recreating his own family sounds really crazy to me. Feels like can’t be. But all that proximity? The facts! I mean, emotionally… so well described. I wonder, I dare to ask. Is the man himself the only friend he can ever have?

68

69 69

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

another empty day no words to fill my brain spending all day always sticking to the same you know? you know what people talks about when getting things going this way “you might be lost or something� wrong? me? with me? really? look at me? and think

70

71

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

knockout the last to write I mean, not the last I write not the last that writes they write where they might you can read where they do the job for which I create them to now I’ll talk about knockout I’ll talk about this day where I meet people building up that spirit I know them for a while and I have this feeling but it remains unclear that as much as I give ‘em as much as I’ll get

72

73

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

considering able many things rings fingers triggers one girl considering, able considering able considerable I kinda feel lost now I? lost? how?

74

75

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

do again never forget, never forget cause I won’t my memory is fresh I won’t forget I never forget my mind is in touch do you remember? we say no touch but for you with you we have been always an excuse and I dare to say your appropriation of my brain feels like the most cruel and violent rape the crime you look after seeking revenge I say stay I say… remember what I say? remember, what I say

76

77

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

spacial connection establishment of connectivity who knows if establishing who needs to be established who knows who cares if by establishing what we frequently say the space the territory we name that territory we say is mine!

I don’t want anyone saying the same I don’t want anyone naming what is mine

78

79

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

rewriting something before I leave I’m made of that kind of stuff you know? or if not? doesn’t really matter if you tell me go I just leave but if I leave I leave knowing where I go I might look lost that’s what you think so but you’re talking with the most deep wondering soul I am the soul I am the cure I wake up with the target of what needs to be told I do what needs to be done and I don’t skip I always stick I stick with all my means I mean with all these means in my words you can read

80

81

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

I’m so tired I’m so tired I can’t even breath my life crazy!

I’m catching punches punches that come from inside I don’t know how to fight not these ones mate and why are you doing this to me? and why are you doing this to the man who’s only trying to live what his will tells him to be what are you thinking? what were you thinking? what do you think?

82

83

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

do you wanna count with me?

I just started this week I have loads of it to give I have I do and I’ll show you! think about the river you think about the flow how's the shape of the river you don’t know? would you sail me in the wild? sail me wild? yes, you need to know you need to know I’m made of that kind of unknown water flow

84

85

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

you were supposed to love me you were supposed to love me but I’m just getting sick I can’t believe why do you? how could you?

I’ve been giving everything I give it all I do I’m dead, I’m dead!

I died I died many times I died before getting to start I died, you have killed me! but I’m not the kind to give up I look into everything I look up into the stars I know how to make things bright I know how to make the things shine right up, just like a star!

86

87

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

I, let me write ah, I, ah! what a surprise I need to stop this thing it makes me suffer I need to find I, ah, I my mind mind me cause I also mind I mind to be my own cure my own thing my own future I belong only to me I belong you see I belong yeah, I belong, I belong you know it for long

88

89

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

I don’t know why I sit for so long I don’t know why I sit for so long I just came to this bar and I stick with my mind I just came to this bar and I stick with my, oh my! there’s no way I can stand it for long there’s no way I can stand it so far staying alone has been hurting my soul staying alone is no answer no more come and sticking I dance with my beer I dance with the bubbles I dance with my tongue I stand on sharing I stay with my chair I stick to it until is time to go somewhere

90

91

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

I’m going to finish you I’m going to do it so fast I’ll finish you with just a simple spasm no, don’t worry I don’t say you you? no. not, you I say you to the thing I try to do and I’ll get there just to pass straight to the next to the next I need to see, the end

92

93

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

talking about wounds the music makes me go positive wounds make me go wild all those scars oh my! all those so many! makes me so sad listen, I’m not mad I am not I’ve been working and I’ll keep on on and on to the one till the one I call and recall to be to become

94

95

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

you’ll be my prize I’ve been wondering about I’ve been wondering why I state as no more for today either no more, not anymore tonight I want to see it right bright!

I mean bright I have to finish, right? but, yeah I’ll give it one more minute there’s someone I see I see, I know and the prize? what prize? the prize is to live live along with my time that time is mine call it prize if you want one more prize if you care

96

97

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

the coolest idea the coolest idea see what’s gonna be I see no, I don’t I’m writing things yes, I wrote I write? stay up, hum I see… late night we fight - I fight?

I do - what? tonight - for what? to stay - yeah, where? where I stand, right here this moment tonight

98

99

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

recap part I fish ear lobes recessive dominant gene type alpha kind DNA mind beta future membrane water big-bang evolution evolutionary imaginary coincidence maybe ordinary science

100

101

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

recap part II frog rabbit rabbit frog prince frog Playboy rabbit Walt Disney toy Playboy toy hard are gene genome genotype time I’m late tonight tomorrow? see you? alright!

102

103

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

“demotional detachment” maybe a new science yet to be found with all the prescriptions I tried before to save a tortured soul I see losing emotional attachment feels the only problem I have to solve I do therapy I’ve tried so many things and out of breaking from each constantly I still have to find a way to break free free from myself who else could be? and what better to escape? rather than your soul smile and shape

104

105

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

passing the ball what a waste losing you I pass the ball I do it many times or maybe, I don’t know? the smile was already there I just wanted more from that I want more now and then is there anything, anywhere? anything, elsewhere? maybe running after? catch up with the moment? what a great deed seeing you in the morning and I’m still there I’m still there while writing elsewhere yes, I’m still here writing for you as you could hear

106

107

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

burning the skin It’s hard I feel I feel it under the skin and burns and breaks breaks the bone breaks my heart under my skin that’s where I leave not untouched not foreseen yeah! cause, I’m burning I’m right here look into my eyes can’t you see? just set me free I’ve been burning look into my eyes can’t you see?

I’m right here I’m right here!

108

109

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

welcome back Netherlands my endless six hour way crossing the border what a day! doesn’t matter look at me what would I be? mistake we’re all a mistake that’s what I think during this trip while coming back on an IC departed from Germany

110

111

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

quick yesterday what about it? easy to tell short to say there’s no much to pray cruel day evening night what a surprise! get me closer make my day after all afterwards we are far as far as we go I still have the cup you still have my hope you’re the coffee inside my heart/(hurt)

112

113

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

11a is closing I had one night I got two beers I wrote two poems I did my way I wrote one more and now I dare I dare if there’s time to write somewhere

114

115

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

write me about something that still means no shit! yes please, give me what you get I’ll give you what you need my cold nerve burns you hot you want me when I am not at least I haven’t been you call me crazy while I see you quite miss me taking it as a certain thought I guess we just need to turn the page to the right spot taking it as a certain tho I guess we just need to turn the page to what is meaningful

116

117

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

time always catches me broke because the windows are broken I feel the breeze if I catch a storm I get to sneeze my window is broken and I am too we both need to fix it through would you? through my broken window I can see you makes you no less beautiful makes me think a broken I is no less than, the frame I now see you shine

118

119

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

while I’m at the pub glancing eyes gravitating my atmosphere built in on empty hair yes, I mean it just shaved my head kinda look kinda confident kinda uncomfortable don’t really know what to say am I just to old? sorry, can’t understand! turns out, I’m just that aging soul tell me what’s wrong cause I don’t know

120

121

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

since we ever sense sense, the sense of you sensing you what’s the sense? not common not you not that sense cause the sense of sensing you is the best I have since the last time I’ve met you and with all this sense of sensing since and ever since I sense that, if you don’t sense the same way I do we might be sensing since the time we can not clue

122

123

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

ideas in order grabbed a seat where the sun could see me I’m here, right in front of you I’m ready to put ideas in order just ordered my coffee they ask if I want it black I say, why not…

I’m here but I’m so close to be where I go one more level this is my game getting things real I’ve been writing down these words one more empty pen I’ll borrow a new one the fourth or fifth I finish within a week we’re all tired guess my pen is too I’m going to write a few more words each one I settle one new meaning to life

124

125

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

kick-start my new note book blessed I hope so for now I can say buying it was a sacrifice I bought it for a price a bit over doesn’t seems right but never mind I don’t count needing another for really long time sounds a stupid story to make it sound rime the thing is any extra penny I’ve been losing for no means may return back as a punishment in some sort of cross or something where I saw you hanging people you’ll also hang me I mean, I hope not cause for my cause there are many sides there are many perspectives ultimately I’ll assume I need you hoping you to come up with needing me 126

127

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

my writing on a Friday night it all starts with games games many people can’t believe in anything else the sound kicks really hard on my back I’m reading the crowd nothing special many people one smile we are all here playing at the bar well, many things: one crowd one pocket, closing zip one step back look around hey, people smiles! and I guess my Friday fever is lost somewhere really far where I can’t mind

128

129

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

break me the ice is it cold? or maybe I’m just tired find me out some patterns girls and shots by the bar people running out in despair no, not everywhere only to the toilet what else? what more can I spot? scarfs, a very seasonal thing excitement really common for the situation we have here I see a girl I mean I saw she’s gone manifesting something I can’t recall now if you don’t mind please excuse me I’ll drop this whole piece of nothing with only one single line Bye, bye!

130

131

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

easy calls to hang-out the bitter game staying biter, indifferent my game is to not to play and I don’t play cause I don’t care that’s the state I stage my mind to sate that state of me stages what I need but there’s a lot more I wanna be a lot more I wanna do those are the stages we need to stage by staging states we stage our space then the space needs to age where we will age along maturing our states to the stages of the old and no worries there is no rush every state has its own stage and every stage its own age to become

132

133

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

giving birth on a paper sheet the chemistry is easy plain ink on a blank paper sheet my pen dances letters in shapes I can read me, I dance all along my eyes just can’t stop looking back to what comes from inside that’s how I get to dance my whole body dances a never ending tango holding my pen against the empty white and I can’t stop in every single word I dance I assist the birth of the following one we dance every letter every letter we dance we dance until this birth is done now my dear oh my son you’ll be always welcome and never forget what I tell you now in every word we read here your name will always be called 134

135

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

multiplication of egos three in one playing in different times I dream along with someone more than one they multiplicate egos creating and recreating my life I only observe don’t want to interrupt I wonder where they wanna go cause I have nothing to ask I see them running yes, they run they run around I get lost all the time wishing to find myself with what I need to have

136

137

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

single time extra accessory excerpts of nothing in an extra excerpt of accessories of superficiality we’re moving plural by now animating the space “we’re not a house club” I see… what’s that by the way? it’s over other than what I do it’s all over you dioxide my brain before I can even breath - “cheers! Let’s have a toast!” (no, not with that glass tho!)

- “I’m not having a drink by now” the truth is I’m not gonna drink with you till you change to what you are guessing you’re nothing but what I’ve been seeing now I’m thinking: you just need one horn to become a unicorn

138

139

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

when we all stop for ice-cream I have no idea of what to say one ice-cream is something we can eat better than a drink that’s what I think better in a way singing in german or dutch I don’t know exactly I listen to the singing we all laugh because it feels nice the ice-cream is about to end new people always arrives combat boots in mermaid skin iridescent gradient that really stands out she sits right there, in front we talk for a while but now they have to go “bye have fun!” there’s more people one more round and here we are some more stuff to talk now I’m feeling tired think it’s time to say goodbye

140

141

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

one page apart exhaustion is crushing my spirit melting down my mind I! ah! I! I stop by the bar I sit myself around soft candles bouncing soft shades of sweet light I look into the future I need to see it done I have the power but my head feels so heavy I want to hold it but I can’t make it stand I hold it I lift my shoulders I lift my hand I look up and I see a sticker on the ceiling with some dutch I can’t read the belly!

I saw that before maybe somewhere before it was time I haven’t changed much I have the same soul I always look after the same love with love I am easy as love wants us to be talking about it gives me energy now my body is waking lifting up my mind I am here where I need to be 142

143

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

the deers where I land my cup there is a deer where I land my cup there I also see a cross looking up I see two keys I have people all around at the bar right and left they all eat we’re all sitting at the bar that’s where we are I have one call is coming from inside but I lost it meanwhile then I close my eyes gathering all the elements in fast rewind people and the food the keys over my head one deer and the cross the cup where I land I see my glass is filled with water transparent I can see anything through it I think I’ll drink all this water just to see to travel through my whole self I’ll take the risk I’ll look inside now I’m reaching my stomach I mean, the water is and I see now I see why all these people comes to a bar with the urge to eat

144

145

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

shut the bar is about to shut shut is where I sit shutting down on top of it but before shutting out of here I need to stand all these words these lines I use to write placing and replacing ideas using my hand and my pen I get where ideas like me to go driving along the line driven by these whole thing I always move forward one by one I keep winning my mind my needs the paper is the platform I use it to record here everyone can see all these records of my memory

146

147

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

pop me out tonight candles twinkling around two pieces of gold shinning in the dark pictures on the wall black and white red spots that’s the light that spots my mind gold falls from the sky lands right where we are red is my mind red is my heart red is the light spotting what is right

148

149

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

hero Very often bad guys become heroes. There’s a simple explanation for that: the experience of the evil makes them understand the greatness of the good, and what means to be pure. Because they can see what the others don’t. They turn themselves the fighters of the cause.

Protecting the people they consider innocent.

Now, you have to remember what I tell you: next time you see a hero look deep into the eyes dark energy that’s what you’ll find they carry the evil that’s what they fight

150

151

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

the note The note I denote we note everybody does noting that if not knowing otherwise the notes we all have to note we all need to wise they come they exist we note them denoting that sometimes the notes come to surprise surprise us or anyone even the most experienced even for the most wise and that's it this is the note I denote you to write

152

153

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

Let's pretend show me then show me what are you made of I saw you I've been seeing you I see you every once in a while I see you all around many times all over and you just stay there you just stand quiet waiting like a prey but you're the trap you're the predator the most cynical one I'm not your fool I wasn't made to fall I mean, not like that not for that not for you not for hate not for no purpose, no! you? you, just remember you, just remember and think think of me, think! and remember remember what I have always been 154

155

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

the pain keeper maybe like a sponge maybe...

I don't know I'm not really sure there are no answers not for what's happening and people keeps pretending they go like: "everything's fine!" but it's not they know it well they don't get the same not the same way and there's no way to fix it there's no control logic does not applies and the time goes by everyday and no away back; future? no way I dare to know not with the things moving like this tho but oh, wait! who said I'll be done? maybe but not so fast not like that "easy!" that's what I say "easy!" that's what I say sick? no way!

156

157

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

when i go all about you was time to sleep but the figure! eyes closed or wide open equal to me no difference I could see, I could see! but not in front of me it was all you you and me my gaps everything I am navigating through you vibrating.. and I was there and now I'm here I can't change that not a thing but I do I do indeed what I say and what I tell you now I survive I'll survive while they strive and I'll catch you up cause I'm made of that wonder the wonder that never ends and I wander for wonder I wander beyond that I wonder where the end meets the beginning, the beginning meets the end! yes, it's true! over and over forever again ever and ever ever eternally 158

159

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

the many things we could change about it's not a big deal to think of here we go again when the gain comes after the "a" we just execute the word demands again and again as much as needed as many times as necessary that's where the profit comes from sometimes is good sometimes not so, sometimes... well many times, very often for sure we, we fail! the most common thing, the human thing nonetheless we're still here the turntable of a failure those raging, ranging teeth destroying themselves over each against themselves up and down upside down all over and around it's life! dreaming facing what comes out whispering and wondering what comes next wishing wish, wishing I mean, wish there is a lot to wish!

160

161

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

I made you spin around my heart I made you spin around my heart you almost touched me spinning around holding you loose I hold you tight I was spinning your mind I lifted you high we were there getting close to each other until it was time to say goodbye your perfume was everywhere followed me for long followed me for as long as your touch kept me thinking when the time came I was complete and absolute well, maybe not but at least I found the relief of staying close enough almost to the point of being touched

162

163

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

I think I'm gonna go I feel so tired after one week of constancy the writing is becoming stronger than me I'm so wicked think I'm gonna go while I think my pen writes it makes me stay when I wanna go but we stay I have to I want to leave very soon here's my ultimatum: "we need to go now" but nothing, I can't stop writing again, I say: "I'm gonna go!" and my pen writes: "no!"

I'm writing words with my mind while my pen builds the trap no, wait... maybe is the other way around I don't know

164

165 165

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

when a woman looks like war yeah! she does it’s like playing chess in round squares I’m drawing “L’s” of love this is my board I keep them lost my horses they lose because they play against the Queen and the almighty King check mate! they scream! we all dance this is her jazz the almighty round chess everything is a circle everything circles and cycles around but now the call is from my Queen she is asking for me we need to make a move I need her sharp she’s like silver leaving gold behind all my pieces dance around they all dance in circles because those circles were not made to play chess yeah this is my Queen! now we need to think what would I be? playing chess without strategy

166

167 167

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

location report three stairs one flight I’m right here where I don’t mind I don’t care I sit comfortably where there’s a chair I hold all my discomfort against this piece of paper looking straight to my pen we travel with all these words that can be a flight, right? one stair two words two stairs makes it four three stairs... well, you know the math the math is easy the hardest is to know where should we land next where to hit the next chance!

168

169 169

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

seeing the quick deal let me see… maybe, maybe… maybe you could give me something I do believe you have what I need and I see you playing now with my words you play playing me I see it easy and I get to find myself entertained while you keep skipping and everything that’s it for now now that’s it look! “what’s your name by the way?”

170

171 171

PERFORMATIVE WRITINGS ☞vol.i

thank you.

174