Movie review: “Shotgun Wedding”

Continued from page 5 painting the pineapples all night long. As for his mother, well, she’s the delightfully ditzy Carol (Coolidge), obsessed with “South Pacific” and eager to have a good time. (Coolidge, hot off “White Lotus,” knows her way around a resort).

It must be said that Coolidge – who at this point in her career would be anyone’s top choice to play any mother – more than pulls her weight. But there’s only so much she can do with dialogue that seems slapped together with minimum effort.

True, Coolidge can make almost anything sound funny, but at times it feels like her script instructions said nothing more than “Carol says something wacky.”

Anyway, things get wacky overall pretty fast, starting with the arrival of a surprise guest by helicopter -– it’s Sean, Darcy’s ex-fiance, a swaggering, shirtunbuttoned, walking Y chromosome played by Lenny Kravitz. Tom is immediately perplexed by Sean’s presence.

But there’s no time to fret. The next day, with everyone dressed for the wedding, more unexpected guests arrive – and they definitely weren’t on the list. They’re pirates, and they’re after Darcy’s dad’s money.

The pirates take everyone hostage, confining them to, well, OK, an infinity pool, but still confining them! In a stroke of rom-com luck, the bride and groom are elsewhere, having a little talk about their relationship. Soon, though, the relationship is beside the point – they have to save themselves and everyone else, too. And that’s when the killing starts. Not to give away too much, but there’s lots of automatic gun- fire and grenade-throwing and other mayhem that feels out of place anyway you slice it – oh yes, knives too! – and this romcom doesn’t end up feeling very romantic OR comedic.

Not to detract from Lopez’s appeal, which is timeless. She’s the one actor in the whole enterprise whose every line reading seems to ring true, no matter how silly on paper – as when she says she can’t breathe, and Tom assumes it’s, you know, the machine guns, but she says no, “It’s the shapewear.” J.Lo makes it work. (She’s also a producer on the film.)

There is one charming scene, to be fair, where we’re all allowed to relax and have fun.

People are singing and dancing and doing karaoke, and it feels like a blast. Finally these are people we’d want to get to know. Unfortunately, it’s all during the closing credits.

Stick around for them, though. It’ll feel like a cool dip in an infinity pool.

“Shotgun Wedding,” an Amazon Studios release, has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America “for language and some violence/ bloody images.” Running time: 100 minutes.