UNTITLED

Avery Ducar

8th Grade • Monroe Middle School

April 14, 2020

Dear Diary,

Today I am writing about my most life-altering moment. It happened three years ago, the day Chase came back. Chase is my older brother who left at seventeen. A little background knowledge, when I was younger my best friends were my cousin Daisy Collins and my brother Chase. We were all close because my brother and I lived with my aunt in Ohio.

When I was 14, my older brother got his driver's license. Daisy and Chase ended up sneaking out the night he got it. He barely passed, my aunt said he wasn't allowed to drive alone yet because she was still worried about his driving skills. Unfortunately, my brother decided not to listen and he got into a car accident. We were told Chase was swerving on the road probably joking around, but a driver was speeding next to him and ended up hitting the car, instantly killing Daisy. The next few days were a blur for me. My best friend had just died, and my brother left. He couldn't handle the immense guilt he felt. I was alone.

Walking up to the casket as a 14 year old girl was horrifying. Every single movement I made was watched by everyone. It felt like I was walking miles to get to my death bed. When I looked in there, I fell apart. It didn't look like her at all. Who was I

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looking at? Not my best friend. Not my cousin. She looked lifeless. It felt like my heart was being ripped out. The mortuary put makeup on her, they tried to make her cheeks rosy to look full of life. If you knew Daisy, you'd know she hated makeup, she was naturally full of life and didn't need it.

Last year was the two year anniversary of Daisy's death. I stayed with my friend Taylor. When I got back to my house and walked through the door everyone stared at me, my whole family including my grandparents were there. My aunt looked anxious. I thought she had just seen a ghost. I was then told that Chase called. He said that he wanted to come back. Of course, my family wants him back because he was the perfect child. I could feel the anger slowly raging within myself, he was the reason Daisy was dead, and to top it all off he left and didn't have to pick up the pieces.

All I remember from this conversation was me saying, “Are you serious?! Chase gets to kill my best friend and gets to leave me! He knew that I had no one else once Daisy died, and he just decided that I didn't even need him. He hasn't been here for 2 years and all he has to do is call and come back with no consequences. He never once called to wish his sister a happy birthday or to check up on her. He was never your perfect little boy. We all lost Daisy because of him.” I said as I ran out of the house.

I needed to calm down and I knew exactly where to go. I drove to the spot where Daisy, Chase, and I used to hangout. It was in the middle of a forest with a janky bridge. It was a playground but the equipment was taken out, so it was just a circle of concrete. It was peaceful. I got out and laid down on the hard cold concrete.

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I laid there past sunset until it was raining. It was hard, icy, and pitch black. I started to cry, I cried about how much I hated Chase. How could my own brother leave me? Growing up Chase and I never met our parents, we've lived with our aunt our whole lives so Daisy was basically our sister, not our cousin. Even though we thought of her as a sister, Chase and I had different connections, we knew that we would always have each other. Clearly we were wrong.

All I could think about was the time my family went to the football field after Daisy’s funeral. When we got there it was like everybody in Rosewood was there too. I was so confused, then I started to bawl my eyes out. I wasn't crying because I was sad, I was angry. I wished I could have just woken up and stopped them from going. How could I not hear the sneaking out? Everyone talked about the memories they had with Daisy. I didn't know half the people that were there, some of them didn’t ever speak to her but she was always able to lift people's spirits from afar. I eventually calmed down. I then got a text from Chase, “I’m sorry, I know you blame me for what happened and you have a right to, I blame myself. You need your time to heal without me.”

I then felt vibrations and *Beep**Beep* It was a text from my aunt, “It's time to come home, your brother is home and we are going to talk through everything.”

When I walked back through the door I felt a surge of anger through my whole body as I stepped in what felt like a freezing house, even though it was the middle of summer. There he was, my brother who killed my best friend and abandoned me. I just stood there. My aunt welcomed me back and I sat on the opposite couch from Chase. He was different, he had brown

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shabby loose curls and a smile. I haven't seen him smile in a while. I felt my anger disintegrate. I had blamed my brother for Daisy's death. How could I? He was my brother and I was the reason he ran away. I needed him then and now. It was never his fault. My grandma decided to break the ice and ask about where he went. He went to South Carolina and stayed with friends. He got a job and is saving to go to college. Then it went quiet. We all stared at each other. He looked at me. I didn't look at him once this whole time. I was slowly melting, he was actually doing good. I was happy for him. Why was I happy for him? He left.

I remember this conversation like it was yesterday,

“I don't expect to be welcomed back into the family with open arms. I don't expect to be your brother again, but I was hoping I could make it up to you. I'm not here to hurt you or anyone else even more than I already have. I didn't call or text because I knew it would have hurt you. It's my fault Daisy's dead. Can you at least try to forgive me?” Pleading with his eyes.

“I hated you for two years. I thought you were the source of all my problems in life. I was wrong, I was the problem, I never dealt with anything that happened. I pushed everything down. I’m sorry, It was an accident, it was never your fault.” With pain in my eyes. I know what you're thinking, “Wow, I have heard this same story 100 times over with different characters.” The only reason I'm sharing my story is so it hopefully gets drilled into your head about what life is actually like. Life is unfair and things go downhill quickly and it sucks, but you can learn how important it is to forgive and learn. Family is a tricky thing. You can have the best bond with your family but one wrong step and everything cracks. As children it's ingrained into our heads that

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people can love from a distance and what I mean by that is, even though you don't live with these people it doesn't mean they don’t love you. Most people don't live with extended “family” but every time they see you they say they love you. Anyone can be your family, you may not know your true impact on people until you're gone. Everything will work itself out, trust the process.

With love, Maggie Rollinson

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