Aug/Sept 2016 On the Minds of Moms

august september

twenty sixteen

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for today’s

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contents

in every issue contributors .

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event calendar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 food for thought . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 shutterbug

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oh, by the way . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36

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contents

sections

gettin' through it

where are they now

body + being

angela smith— living out loud . . . . . . . . . . . 10

shop talk acupuncture… the age-old de-stresser . . . . . .18

tips for the blended family . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32

out of the darkness: how to talk about suicide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38

did you know teens-drugs-parents…learning how to stop the enabling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44

just a thought hero moms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46

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ready, set, grow shuteye for them all . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58

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contents

feature & profiles

mod mom profile erin yellow bird . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14

mompreneur ashley bakkegard— brushed interiors . . . . . . 26

rad dad profile nick kjonaas . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40

cover story angie koenig—courage to carry on . . . . . . . . 50

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contents

Time Together Creates

Water Bonds

moms

on the minds of

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OTMOM MISSION STATEMENT On The Minds Of Moms Magazine is dedicated to providing parents of all ages a bimonthly resource they can trust. A fresh approach to traditional parenting publications, we are modern and inspiring while offering a community of local support and real-life advice for today’s family.

On The Minds Of Moms contains views from across the parenting spectrum. These views do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher. All activities listed in these pages are at your own risk and require appropriate supervision.

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contributors

“I need to make more space in my life for…” kathleen wrigley bismarck | nd just a thought: page 46 Nurturing and keeping in touch with long distance girlfriends. Life becomes so fast-paced. These precious lifelong friendships need to be tended to. I think I’ll go send some greeting cards!

kari klingsporn hitterdal fargo | nd food for thought: page 24 Enjoyment! I think we oftentimes get so caught up checking things off lists and making others happy we forget to have fun and enjoy where we are at in life right now. Monotony gets really heavy for me, so when I get a chance to do something unexpected and fun I am refreshed and more thankful for my place in life, realizing even the quiet moments hold happiness and enjoyment.

clara erickson fargo | nd gettin’ through it: page 32 Being in the present. Allowing myself to be present-focused is a challenge for me.

I’m analytical by nature, but being a therapist seems to put me into a more chronic cerebral state. I’d like to make more space for activities that bring me into the present such as yoga and mindfulness. Enjoying what’s in front of me and doing things to bring awareness to the moment need to take the place of evaluating and analyzing more often. Sometimes we all need to get out of our heads a little.

mary jo hansen fargo | nd did you know: page 44 Reading, daydreaming, listening to music, following a new recipe, and taking walks with my husband and dog.

alexandra corwin fargo | nd shop talk: page 18 Self-care and reflection.

deb uglem fargo | nd oh by the way: page 36 Traveling to visit my kids, golf, and Netflix—in that order!

patricia carlson naples | fl body + being: page 38 Me. Right? As a mom, I’m the last to eat, shower, get dressed, exercise, sleep, etc. I love my kids, don’t get me wrong. But there is very little space in my life for ME to have FUN…and not stink. Yeah, that’s a big one. When you can’t remember the last time you showered, you need more space for YOU!

A

ngela Smith was the third brave soul to grace the cover of OTMOM with her four kiddos. Angela inspired us with her honesty, poetry, and sweet personality. The reigning Mrs. North Dakota International at the time,

Angela shared her story of overcoming domestic violence by courageously leaving her former husband while she was pregnant. Angela used her crown as a microphone to bring awareness to domestic violence and provide an example of hope to those being victimized by domestic abuse. The last seven-and-a-half years have provided lots of change and excitement for Angela and her family. They moved to Ohio, hubby Jared completed course work and achieved three www.onthemindsofmoms.com

different degrees, two Smith kiddos received their high school diplomas, the family of six became seven with the arrival of baby girl Abigale, oldest son TJ recently returned from a two-year church mission and is now planning his wedding, and this fall oldest daughter Kimberlee will head to college in Utah while AnneMarie and Christopher will stroll the halls of Copley High School. “It really is always an adventure,” Angela says with a smile.

photos: tiffany bell

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on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

angela smith

living out loud

do you still make time to put pencil to paper and share your thoughts?

A busy toddler complicates my writing time, but I am occasionally forced by the voices in my head to put pen to paper for fear of them taking over if I don't!

Your fabulous readers may have even seen a few of my ramblings here in OTMOM. Basically that's a long-winded way of saying I'm not writing nearly as often as I'd like but the tradeoff is worth it.

are you still involved with pageants or victim advocacy?

I have not competed in six years but my daughters have both mentioned wanting to compete so it looks like I could be getting involved again in the role of

where are they now

pageant mom. I worked hard in advocacy with the area rape crisis center and women's shelter when we first moved to Ohio, but my volunteer work over the last several years has focused primarily on my kids. I work with Go Red, as they need me, volunteer with the Copley music boosters, which provides support and fundraisers for the choir and band programs in our schools. I also serve as the current president of our area Healthy Communities Healthy Youth organization, which provides middle and high school kids leadership and service opportunities in the community while educating them on healthy lifestyle choices.

now that your kids are older, how have you prepared them to recognize unhealthy relationships and be the voice for those who feel voiceless?

We continue to have frank conversations about dat-

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

august • september twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms

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where are they now ing, relationships, and what is and is not acceptable behavior from others and ourselves in our home. I honestly don't know that I have prepared them to be a voice for the voiceless. I hope I have shown them by my example and through our conversations that they have a responsibility to reach out and speak out when they see or learn of others being victimized rather than back away or turn a blind eye, as too often happens. I hope I've shown them that one voice, one person, can and often does make a difference and that that will inspire them to be that person should the need ever arise.

after having abigale, how has parenting changed for you this time around?

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

I wear out soooo much faster! I've learned to slow down because laundry and housework waits, but babies don't. I stop and take time to really enjoy this amazing little girl and my role as a mother. I've learned that life is perfect in its imperfections and so I take more time to breathe, relish the moment,

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on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

and find the humor in the day-to-day craziness… there is sooooo much craziness to enjoy!

when it comes to your family, what makes you beam with pride?

I am so proud that my kids are genuinely good and loving people who actively look for ways to help and serve others. I also relish the way my big kids enjoy and love their baby sister. They easily could have ignored or resented her and instead they have completely embraced her and she adores them, which makes me so happy.

what do you hope people know about you today?

I hope people look at me and see a victor, not a victim. I want to be an example of tenacity and visualization that your past, whatever it might have been, doesn't determine your future unless you allow it to—and I refuse to allow my past to define any part of my future.

Rock ‘n Roll Ruby Y0408 www.onthemindsofmoms.com

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E

rin Yellow Bird is a member of the Quinault Nation in the Coast Salish Territories [now more widely known as Washington State]. Erin’s twin brother and younger sister still reside in western Washington. Erin achieved her

bachelor of arts in social welfare and master of social work from the University of Washington in Seattle. She began her career working in research centered on the health and wellness of Indigenous peoples in the areas of American Indian Vietnam Veterans, Two-Spirit wellness, and support and mentorship programs for Native Social Work Students.

During her time in Seattle Erin worked to bring together the Indigenous community by facilitating coalition building and community organizing. The highlight of this was working alongside many multi-ethnic, multi-racial, multi-generational activist and community groups. Today Erin is married to Michael and the proud stay-at-home mama of three strong and beautiful Indigenous girls [Arundhati, 9, Solana, 7, and Paacipiriin’U, 3] who are enrolled in the Three Affiliated Tribes [Arikara and Hidatsa]. She is also a member of the Indian Education Parent Committee of Fargo/West Fargo and a member of her kiddos’ school PTA.

photos: caitlin killoran photography | caitlin killoran special thank you to beyond outdoors for photo shoot location

erin yellow bird age 38, fargo.nd

one word that best describes my parenting style… attachment.

my favorite time of the day is…

5:30 a.m.…cool, quiet, calm.

if i could say one thing to myself 20 years ago it would be… keep on moving forward and find yourself. It will all work itself out and your life will be well.

no one knows i… watch sci-fi on Netflix after my kids’ bedtime.

i unwind by… breathing in and out…meditation will be my salvation.

my mom was right about… keeping one’s guard up at all times. Look in the rear of your car before you lock the doors, never walk alone at night, lock your home up before you sleep.

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mod mom

my stay-at-home mom success secret…

I shower my kids at night and they sleep in their clean clothes for the next day’s adventures [school days in particular]. We brush our hair and teeth every morning and are ready for the day in record time.

the least-used appliance in our house… toaster. We limit our grain intake for our health. We eat sprouted bread occasionally but it is minimized for our health. We aim to eat mostly veggies and grass-fed/wild meat and consume grains on occasion.

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mod mom i always have extra… farm-fresh eggs in my refrigerator.

i work really hard at… raising my kids to be healthy, balanced, creative, and proud to be Indigenous.

the kid snack i am most likely to eat… guacamole and corn chips.

my husband would describe me as… paleo extraordinaire!

the habit i would most like to change… evening snacking [after the kids go to bed].

the single greatest lesson i can teach my kids… mindfulness—calm heart, calm mind.

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on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

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NEWMAN OUTDOOR FIELD | FMREDHAWKS.COM

Upcoming Promotions Aug 8

Potato Days Night! $1 Klement’s Hot Dog Night!

Aug 9

Thrivent Financial Night!

Aug 10 Rubberboy Daniel Smith is a classically trained contortionist who has

used his superhuman flexibility to obtain numerous Guinness World Records. www.therubberboy.com

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Aug 11 Breast Cancer Awareness Night. Team will wear pink jerseys that will

be auctioned for breast cancer research. Presented by Edith Sanford Breast Center.

Aug 12 Post-game FIREWORKS thanks to Gate City Bank.

Aug 13 “Ugly Sweater” Beanie Giveaway! First 1,000 fans will receive a RedHawks winter beanie courtesy of Otter Tail Power Co. Aug 14 Card Set Giveaway! First 1,000 fans will receive a 2016 RedHawks Baseball Card Set. Aug 19 Post-game FIREWORKS brought to you by Auto-Owners Insurance.

Aug 20 Jersey Giveaway! The first 1,000 fans receive a RedHawks Replica Jersey brought to you by Coca-Cola. Boy Scout Night.

Aug 21 Princess Day! Bring your ‘little princess’ to the ballpark to meet some popular Disney Princesses!

8 STP 7:02 pm 15 @STP 7:05 pm 22 SC WIC 7:02 pm 29 @JOP 7:05 pm

| 701.235.6161

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SCHEDULE AND TIMES ARE TENTATIVE AND SUBJECT TO CHANGE | ALL TIMES CENTRAL

Home Game

Away Game

Fireworks Business School Game Day Game Day Game

Aug 26 Post-game FIREWORKS and Fan Appreciation Night! Inflatables in the

playground thanks to Games Galore.

Aug 27 Beer Stein Giveaway! The first 1,000 fans 21+ receive a RedHawks Beer Stein, brought to you by Sickies Garage.

Aug 28 All fans receive a Team Photo thanks to our Knothole Gang Sponsors!

Aug 29 $1 Klement’s Hot Dog Night!

Aug 30 First 500 Kids 17 and under receive a free Kids Meal thanks to Klement’s Sausage Co. and the first 500 fans (18+) receive a free appetizer voucher

from Ruby Tuesday.

Aug 31 Floor Mat Giveaway and College Night! First 1,500 fans receive a RedHawks Floor Mat thanks MATBUS. Plus $3 GA Tickets with any

valid college ID. Sept 1

Business Day Game! 12:30 p.m. start with post-game concert presented by NetWork Center, Inc.

Birthday Party $150.00 10 - 3B Red Reserved Tickets • All attending get a hot dog, chips and pop served in the DQ® Birthday Zone by the RedHawks Dugout.

A personalized 8” DQ® Ice Cream Birthday Cake • All attending receive a RedHawks baseball cap Two RedHawks Souvenir Yearbooks • A Happy Birthday message on the video board during the game

shop talk

acupuncture…

the age-old de-stresser

story by | alexandra corwin

T

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

here’s work, bills, kids, schedules, car breakdowns, birthday parties, co-workers, significant others, loads of dirty clothes, Thanksgiving…YOU CAN’T FIND YOUR FAVORITE PAIR OF SHOES!!! We don’t have to look too far to find stress in our lives. The key is finding a healthy stress reliever. Acupuncture just might be the key for you!

Most people think stress only affects their mental state. That just isn’t the case. Stress generally starts with a reduction in the number of hours of sleep and a little anxiety during the day and night. Once those things start happening, physical health is affected.

When people are stressed, we release a hormone called cortisol. Cortisol negatively impacts the immune system, causing people to get sick more easily and to feel fatigued. If a person is not sleeping and feels anxious, sick, and tired, many other health problems can occur. Not good. tried and true Odds are you’ve heard of acupuncture. It is a part of Chinese medicine that started over 2,500 years ago. It involves the insertion of hair-thin needles into specific 18

on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

areas of the body. The purpose is to balance the body’s energies and bring the body back to optimal health.

In recent years research related to acupuncture has focused on how it heals the body and three key things have been found. Acupuncture reduces inflammation by blocking the inflammatory process, increases circulation, and releases endorphins. This heals the body and gets patients to their health goals. did you say needles Yes, but don’t worry, it is not painful. Acupuncture needles are about a quarter of the size of a sewing needle. They are stainless steel and, unlike a needle used for an injection or to draw blood, they are not hollow. When a needle is inserted, it feels like a small pinch. After a few seconds the feeling goes away and most people can’t even tell the needles are there for the rest of the treatment.

Acupuncture helps relieve stress due to the hormonal release that takes place when the needles are physically put in the skin. When endorphins are released, the patient starts to feel calm and very relaxed. The endorphins also relieve pain. This hormonal release continues after the needles are removed, and the patient feels less stress and anxiety. It also improves the quality of

sleep a patient gets each night; and just getting a little better sleep improves stress levels for most people. stress & more Yes, acupuncture can help relieve stress, but it can treat so much more! Balancing the body’s energies can provide relief for conditions such as chronic and acute pain syndromes, headaches, migraines, carpal tunnel syndrome, tennis elbow, neck, back, and knee pain, digestive disorders, infertility, PMS, polycystic ovary syndrome, pregnancy-related nausea and fatigue, chronic- fatigue syndrome, thyroid disorders, and dental pain, to name a few.

An important part of your acupuncture treatment is finding the right practitioner. You want to find someone you are comfortable with, can talk to, and trust. And, most importantly, someone who is qualified. In the Fargo/Moorhead area there are nine nationally certified acupuncturists. Be sure to ask the practitioner if he or she is licensed and nationally certified. This is key information because the state of North Dakota does not require graduation from an accredited school to practice acupuncture. Some people providing acupuncture treatments in this area have as little as 25 hours of training. The right practitioner is key to successful treatment.

WALK TO FIGHT SUICIDE OUT OF THE DARKNESS Community Walks September 18 Lindenwood Park Registration at 1 p.m. | Walk at 2 p.m. afsp.org/fargo afsp.org/walk

why not If you aren’t feeling like yourself or you have been battling a specific illness for a significant amount of time, you should try acupuncture. If you’re going to the doctor a lot with colds/flu, having any type of chronic pain, or having stress/emotional issues, acupuncture can be of great help. Acupuncture is fairly new to this area and many people are hesitant to try it out. But I like to tell people, “Give it a try. What’s the worst that can happen?”

FM Acupuncture 701.364.9915 4201 38th St S #208, Fargo www.fargoacupuncture.com www.onthemindsofmoms.com

Born and raised in North Dakota, Alexandra graduated from MSUM in 2012 with a degree in Biology with an emphasis in health and medical sciences and a minor in anthropology. She then attended Northwestern Health Sciences University in Bloomington, MN where she graduated with a Master's degree in Acupuncture in 2015. FM Acupuncture has been open to the community since 2015. Alexandra enjoys spending time with her family and dogs as well as in the garden.

august • september twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms

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august events 1, 4, 8, 11, 15, 18, 22, 25 & 29 Farmers' Market & Beyond 701.433.5360 www.wfparks.org

Fresh produce, berries, herbs, meats, jellies, flowers, hand-crafted items & agriculture products will be available for purchase 3:30pm-6:30pm at the South Elmwood Park parking lot [500 13th Av W, West Fargo].

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Night to Unite 701.433.5500 www.westfargopolice.com Hosted by the West Fargo Police Department. Head to Elmwood Park [500 13th W Av, West Fargo], 5pm-9pm and enjoy entertainment, food vendors, demonstrations, and various local information booths. This will be fun for the whole family!

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Local bands will entertain families with lively music, 7pm-8:30pm at Island Park [302 7th St S, Fargo] on the 3rd and Brunsdale Park [1702 27th Av S, Fargo] on the 10th.

Get your face painted, jump in the bouncy castle and take home a craft project. This is a free event and there will be limited concessions for sale!

Head to Veterans Memorial Arena [1201 7th Av E, West Fargo] at 1pm to watch The Good Dinosaur. Don’t forget your blanket or chair [bleachers will be available]. This is a free event but there will be SnoCones, popcorn & pop for $1/each.

Bring a blanket, pillow or lawn chair to Island Park [302 7th St S, Fargo] & enjoy a starlit night of fun. Watch Inside Out on an inflatable screen in the park. The movie starts when the sun goes down [approximately 9pm]. Free Pepsi products and popcorn while supplies last.

Concert in the Park www.fargoparks.com

2, 9 & 16

Party in the Park www.fargoparks.com Join us in a different park each Tuesday night for an evening of family fun, 5:30pm-8pm.

Sing your favorite karaoke song, play in the bounce house, create a craft project, get your face painted and take home a balloon animal. Enjoy free hot dogs and Pepsi products while supplies last. All are welcome! See you on the 2nd at Unicorn Park [1603 3rd Av N, Fargo], the 9th at Bennett Park [1900 58th Av S, Fargo], and the 16th at Trollwood Park [3664 Elm St N, Fargo].

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

cabinet refinishing | interior painting | faux finishing

Ashley Bakkegard | 701.610.9331 ashley@BrushedInteriorsND.com BrushedInteriorsND.com 20

on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

Big Screen Movie Matinee www.wfparks.org

4, 11 & 18

Park It! www.fargoparks.com Meet the Xcellent Art staff at the park and create take-home arts and crafts, 1pm4pm. The fun travels weekly to different neighborhoods. All supplies provided and different projects each week. See you on the 4th at Ed Clapp Park [2801 32nd Av S, Fargo], the 11th at Madison Park [3010 11th Av N, Fargo], and the 18th at Kennedy Park [4501 42nd St S, Fargo]. This is a FREE event. Adult supervision is required.

7, 8, 10, 14, 15, 17, 21, 22 & 24 Kids Dream Summer Film Series www.marcustheatres.com

Head to West Acres Cinema [4101 17th Av S, Fargo] @ 10am to take in a flick for $3.

Movie Night www.fargoparks.com

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Waterama www.fargoparks.com Spend an afternoon having fun with water at Roosevelt Park [1220 9th St N, Fargo], noon-3pm! Play water games and do all sorts of activities that involve water and getting wet.

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Furry Friends Pet Walk 701.237.4805 www.courtsplus.org Walk to save the lives of homeless pets in the FM Area. Join us for our annual fundraiser for Adopt-A-Pet at Rheault Farm [2902 25th St S, Fargo]. A 1.5 mile walk with or without your pet will benefit Adopt-A-Pet, whose primary goal is placing rescued pets in loving and responsible homes. A suggested donation of $10 is requested.

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Chalkfest theartspartnership.net/chalkfest/ Let’s fill the Zoo with art! ChalkFest features free admission to the Red River Zoo [4255 23rd Av S, Fargo]. Chalk with Tots free events for ages 2-6, Zoo demonstrations, artists doing live demonstrations, food vendors, live music, and all-abilities chalking spaces!

See you there!

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Community Play Day www.fargoparks.com Free Play for all ages at Rheault Farm [2902 25th St S, Fargo], 9am-11am & 1pm-3pm!

Play yard games, do a take-home craft, climb on the playground and move to music outside in the sunshine! Daycares are welcome. Adult supervision required. Special guest Dakota Kid making balloon animals!

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Playground Carnival 701.237.4805 www.courtsplus.org Looking for something fun to do before school starts? Head to Courts Plus [3491 University Dr, Fargo], 5:30pm-7pm, for a FREE carnival complete with carnival games, inflatables, arts & crafts, water games & more! This is for children of all ages and open to the public.

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Fargo Rocks! Concert www.fargoparks.com Rock Island Park! Bring your friends & check out a live rock show at Island Park [302 7th St S, Fargo], 7pm-8:30pm. This event is free & all ages are welcome to attend.

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MOMS Café www.facebook.com/MomsClubFargo www.momscluboffm@gmail.com

All ages and abilities are welcome to come make their own Lego creation at the Moorhead Public Library [118 5th St S, Moorhead] Lego Club, 6pm-8pm.

Supplies provided to build, but make sure to bring your imagination!

Come to the First Congregational Church of Fargo [1101 13th Av S, Fargo], 10am-11:30am, for the monthly meeting for MOMS Club of Fargo/Moorhead IR, ND. Enjoy time with other moms, snacks, playtime for children & an opportunity to learn more about the club. This free event is open to moms & children in the Fargo/Moorhead area.

Lego Club www.larl.org

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Lantern Fest www.thelanternfest.com/ location/fargo/#214

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At The Lantern Fest, thousands of revelers join together armed with lanterns for one unforgettable spectacle. Before sundown friends and families can enjoy food, live music, a stage show, familiar princesses, face painters, s'mores, balloon artists and more. Then, when the time is just right, we will light the sky with our highest hopes and fondest dreams. Each adult needs to register with their own Lantern Pass.

Kids 3 and under are free! Kids ages 4 to 12 will need to register with a "$7 kids’ pass", which is good for entrance to the event as well as a small gift.

Head to Newman Outdoor Field [1515 15th Av N, Fargo] for a 1pm start and bring your little princess to the ballpark to meet some popular Disney Princesses!

Also, kids 12 and under are welcome to run the bases after the game.

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Twins Game Bus Trip 701.364.4153 www.ymcacassclay.org

Fireworks & Fan Appreciation www.fmredhawks.com

august events

Head to Newman Outdoor Field [1515 15th Av N, Fargo] for a 7:02pm start and enjoy fireworks after the game and inflatable games in the playground.

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Pioneer Day 701.282.2822 www.bonanzaville.org Pioneer Village at Bonanzaville [1351 W Main, West Fargo] comes to life with authentic parades, demonstrations, costumes and crafts.

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Aloha [Hawaii] in the Xerzone 701.293.9622 www.ymcacassclay.org Enjoy fitness activities, fun themes, wacky games, healthy snacks, and family fun at the Fercho Y [400 1st Av S, Fargo], 1pm-3pm. This event is FREE and open to the community!

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Meet Booker! www.larl.org Head to the Moorhead Public Library [118 5th St S, Moorhead], 2pm-3pm, and meet the library’s new mascot, Booker! Booker is an owl and the Buffalo River State Park will be here to teach us all about real owls!

27 & 28

Island Park Show www.fargoparks.com Bring your friends and indulge yourself!

Spend a day at Island Park [302 7th St S, Fargo] shopping in the shade! Find unique items, enjoy excellent food and listen to great music from 10am-5pm.

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StreetsAlive! www.fmstreetsalive.org Get out and get moving down the streets of Fargo-Moorhead, noon-5pm! Bring friends, family and neighbors to walk, run, pedal, stroll or skate together on a 3-mile loop of blocked-off roads. Stop along the way for activities, booths and more!

23

Moorhead RiverArts 218.299.5296 www.moorheadparks.com Moorhead Parks and Recreation would like to invite you to the annual RiverArts festival at Davy/Memorial Park [210 8th St N, Moorhead], 5:30pm-8pm, to celebrate art, music, and community spirit. Enjoy music

by FM KICKS Jazz Band. Other activities include the River Keepers fishing clinic, horse-drawn carriage rides, hands-on activities for children, arts, crafts, and food vendors.

All event listings displayed within OTMOM are carefully selected to provide diverse options for families. More events found online at www.onthemindsofmoms.com/event-calendar. It is always a good idea to call ahead to confirm the information provided. Although it is not possible to list every event happening in the FM area, we encourage organizations to submit events for consideration to events@onthemindsofmoms.com

FIND YOUR

HAPPY PLACE nd Buying or selling in the Greater Gra

Let me help you!

Forks area?

TIFFANY MANNAUSAU

cell: 701-610-8760 office: 701-772-8106 tiffanym@forksrealestate.com

each office is independently owned and operated

august • september twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms

21

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

Enjoy Twins baseball at their beautiful outdoor Target Field without the stress of traffic and parking! All ages are welcome, but children 14 years of age and under must be accompanied by an adult. Bus leaves from Fercho Y [400 1st Av S, Fargo] at 7:30am. Return time determined by length of game. There will be a half-hour stop on the return trip in Alexandria, MN for supper. Ticket [$65 per person] includes bus and game. MUST PRE-REGISTER!

Princess Day! www.fmredhawks.com

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8

september events 6 & 21

C.A.R.S. [Cars and Restraint Systems] www.sanfordhealth.org/ classes-and-events The purpose of this session, 6pm-9:30pm at Sanford 1711 Office Building Room 11 [1711 S University Dr, Fargo], is to heighten the participants’ awareness of the importance of proper selection, use, and installation of child restraints and seat belts. The class is approved for 3 hours of child care and foster care in ND and MN, meets the licensing requirements for MN CPS Course, and is approved for Law Enforcement POST credits. Parents, caregivers, grandparents, law enforcement, and anyone who transports children of all ages are welcome to attend. $30 registration fee/participant. Car seats are available for an additional fee. Space is limited.

Pre-registration is required. Register online.

Art Lab: Pop Ups www.plainsart.org Learn the mechanics of creating pop-up book pages at the Plains Art Museum [704 1st Av N, Fargo], 4pm-5:30pm! Construct folding paper sculptures and see examples from artists and illustrators. Engineer various paper slides and folds to make your artwork pop off the page. Art Lab experiences combine Art with Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math for a creative, inventive, and interdisciplinary approach to learning. Ages 6+; $24 non-member, $19 museum members.

9

Greater Moorhead Days Parade www.cityofmoorhead.com Greater Moorhead Days parade starts at 6pm running from 28th Av S to 8th Av S, Moorhead. It will feature floats, marching bands, walking units, and animal units highlighting local businesses, civic groups, social organizations, youth groups, and more!

10

Fun Day with Your Son www.fargoparks.com Calling all boys age 4-12! Bring your mom, step-mom, grandma, aunt or other female role model to a morning of fun at Thunder

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

when your body says, “you’ve had too much fun!”

CALL TODAY FOR RELIEF!

701.532.5320

1203 28th St. S - Fargo www.vandamchiropractic.com 22

on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

Road [2902 Thunder Road, Fargo], 9am11am. Spend some quality time playing mini golf, laser tag & racing around the go-cart track. Refreshments will be served while supplies last & fun is guaranteed! $5/person limited wristbands available.

12

Car Seat Safety 701.364.8100 www.essentiahealth.org Did you know that 8 out of 10 car seats are installed incorrectly? Car seat safety class is a one-hour class with up-to-date car seat recommendations and car seat laws. It is suggested you attend this class as early as 6-7 months of pregnancy.

Class is open to parents, grandparents or caregivers and is taught by a Certified Car Seat Technician. You do not need to bring your car seat with you to class. This class is sponsored by Safe Kids. Registration is required. Class is held 5:30pm-6:30pm at Essentia Health [3000 32nd Av S, Fargo].

13

Basic Training for Dads 701.364.8100 www.essentiahealth.org This one-evening class, 6:30pm-8:30pm at Essentia Health [3000 32nd Av S, Fargo], is designed for ‘Dads to be’ and is taught by an experienced Dad. Topics covered include adjustments to fatherhood, how to support Mom, and the basics of infant care

13

MOMS Club of Fargo/ Moorhead Open House www.facebook.com/ MomsClubFargo www.momscluboffm@gmail.com Head to Oak Grove Park [170 Maple St, Fargo], 10:30am-12:30pm, for an Open House/Picnic with the MOMS Club of Fargo/Moorhead IR, ND. Come enjoy food, children’s activities & meet other MOMS Club members. This free event is open to moms & children in the Fargo/ Moorhead area.

13

Paint + Paper: Simple Screen Printing www.plainsart.org Screen printing is used so many different ways, from printing t-shirt designs to creating posters at the Plains Art Museum [704 1st Av N, Fargo], 4pm-5:30pm!. Learn the DIY method of simple screen printing you can recreate at home. Create prints on paper and fabric of your own designs. Ages 8+; $24 non-member, $19 museum members. .

17

17, 18, 24 & 25

Babysitting Lessons and Safety Training is the initial course for teens and pre-teens on the responsibilities of caring for children.

Held at the F-M Ambulance Service [2215 18th St S, Fargo], 9am-3pm, participants will learn CPR and first aid for children, as well as diaper-changing techniques. They will also learn when to call 911 and what will happen if they do need emergency assistance. The course is designed for young babysitters ages 11–15. Limited space. Register online.

Head to Rheault Farm [2902 25th St S, Fargo] for a ton of Fall fun! Arts & crafts, carnival games, face painting, inflatable bounce house and so much more. Free admission [ticket purchase required for games and rides], doors open 10am-5pm on the 17th & 24th, noon-5pm on the 18th & 25th.

B.L.A.S.T. Babysitting Camp 701.364.1704 sanfordhealthemseducation.org

17

Welcoming Family Week www.plainsart.org Everyone is an artist at this music-making family program at the Plains Art Museum [704 1st Av N, Fargo], 1pm-4pm! In conjunction with Fargo Moorhead Welcoming Week, this free family program will combine live, international music with artistic instrument making in the Katherine Kilbourne Burgum Center for Creativity.

Guest artists will demonstrate instrument making techniques and sounds. Registration begins two weeks before this event.

Fall Festival 701.499.7788 www.fargoparks.com

18

Walk to Fight Suicide 701.371.1194 www.afsp.org/fargo Join us for the Fargo/Moorhead Out of the Darkness Community Walk, 1pm at Lindenwood Park [1905 Roger Maris Dr, Fargo]. Proceeds benefit local and national suicide prevention and awareness programs of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

19

When Mourning Dawns 701.237.6441 GriefSupport@ boulgerfuneralhome.com www.boulgerfuneralhome.com Led by Grief Support Coordinators Ann Jacobson & Sonja Kjar, When Mourning

Dawns is a six-week series [September 19 - October 24, 6pm-7:15pm] that looks at the seasons of the year to guide our conversations about the seasons of our grief.

We are here to help you walk this journey of life. Space is limited. Pre-registration required. Call or email today!

september events

19

Pottery on the Wheel: Tiny Worlds www.plainsart.org Bring your imagination to life on the pottery wheel at the Plains Art Museum [704 1st Av N, Fargo], 4pm-6pm!. Dream up a tiny landscape or mythical world to embellish the interior space of your pottery. Imagine small animals, buildings, and characters.

We will look to professional artists who create stories with their functional pottery for inspiration. Ages 9+; $24 non-member, $19 museum members.

24

The 41st Annual Heritage Education Commission Family History Workshop 701.799.0912 info@heritageed.com www.heritageed.com The 2016 Family History Workshop will be held 8am-4:30pm at Horizon Middle School [3601 12th Av S, Moorhead]. The main presenter is D. Joshua Taylor a nationally known and recognized genealogical author,

lecturer, and researcher and a frequent speaker at family history events across the globe. Joshua can be seen taking Americans through their past as a host on the popular PBS series Genealogy Roadshow. The workshop schedule includes 20 classes for all skill levels – novice to professional. Workshop cost is $49 which includes four classes of your choice, the workshop syllabus with all handouts, morning & afternoon coffee breaks, and the noon luncheon with pre-registration.

25

StreetsAlive! www.fmstreetsalive.org Get out and get moving down the streets of Fargo-Moorhead, noon-5pm! Bring friends, family and neighbors to walk, run, pedal, stroll or skate together on a 3-mile loop of blocked-off roads. Stop along the way for activities, booths and more!

“MAAAMOM…What’s for dinner!?”

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

Family Pizza Night Just Got Better!

1690 45th St S, Fargo 701-566-7164 www.unclemaddios.com

sauces...

Homemade dough & dients...

Over 40 fresh ingre salads...

Pizza, foldwiches & august • september twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms

23

1st visit

recommended

at

1

year of age!

Dr. Chad Hoge, Diplomate,

American Board of Pediatric Dentistry

Dr. Mikala Hoge, Diplomate,

American Board of Pediatric Dentistry

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4265 45th St S, Ste 202

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homemade granola shared by | kari klingsporn hitterdal adapted from recipe by molly wizenberg

food for thought

I

f you have a convection oven, make a double or triple recipe in the same amount of time and give extras to a new mama. Don’t be intimidated by the ginger—it adds wonderful flavor! you need:

how to:

3 cups old-fashioned oats 1 cup coarsely chopped pecans 1/2 cup unsweetened shredded or flaked coconut 3 tablespoons [packed] brown sugar 3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/3 cup honey 2 tablespoons vegetable or canola oil optional: add up to 1 cup assorted dried fruit

Preheat oven to 300°F. Spray large rimmed pan with nonstick cooking spray. Combine first 7 ingredients in large bowl. Over medium-low heat, stir together honey and oil in small saucepan until smooth. Pour honey-oil mixture over oat mixture and toss well.

Spread granola evenly on baking sheet. Bake 30-40 minutes until golden, stirring every 10 minutes.

Allow granola to cool thoroughly. Mix in fruit if using.

Transfer to airtight container for storage. Stays fresh for at least a week.

feeding your family TIP: Most days trying to start the day off in a healthy and quick manner before the caffeine has kicked in makes breakfast a real challenge for me! This granola recipe has become a great go-to that satisfies the whole family. I like to make a yogurt bar so everyone can not only help themselves, but also pick exactly what they want to eat! Set out yogurt, granola, assorted dry fruit, fresh fruit, ground flaxseed, nuts, chocolate chips, and milk so people can either make a yogurt parfait or eat the granola as a cereal with milk and berries. It also is a great after-school or late-night snack! Admittedly, granola is often mistaken as health food and I wouldn’t go so far as to say this recipe helps ease that misconception. However, it is cheap and homemade, as well as tastier and healthier than many of the store-bought varieties. That works for me!

Kari's passion for food, family, and fun has been with her since her upbringing on her beloved Big Floyd Lake near Detroit Lakes, MN. She earned Secondary Education degrees in both Social Studies and English from Concordia College in Moorhead, MN. She enjoyed a brief stint as a caterer and cooking instructor, but has proudly spent most of her motherhood as a stay-at-home mom. Her husband, Brent, and three children, Gunnar, Ava, and Ella, have all [mostly] been eager taste testers to whatever is on the table for dinner. However, these days, having a high schooler, a middle schooler, and a second grader is providing new challenges of feeding everyone homemade and healthy meals, as well as giving her oven an intense workout most weeknights!

photo: thuen studios | scott thuen

A

Valley City, ND, native, Ashley Bakkegard, 35, took her University of North Dakota degree and ventured into the world of finance working for a life insurance agent and then development companies focused on lending for small

businesses. She enjoyed her work and numbers, but it didn’t stoke the fires of passion. While the thought of owning her own business did enter her mind, it always seemed like a pipe dream. That is, until Ashley had the opportunity to participate in the 35 Under 35 United Way Women’s Leadership Program in 2014. The program spoke to her and gave her the confidence to start her business, Brushed Interiors. “Whether it lasts five years or 25 years…it is something I needed to do,” Ashley shares. With the support of her husband, Andy, and to the cheers of her trio of daughters [Brynn, 10, Norah, 7, and Hadley, 4], Brushed Interiors offers cabinet refinishing, interior painting, and faux finishing. Ashley has

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

also met requests to refinish bedroom sets, dressers, and kitchen tables. Whether attending the various activities of her girls, completing kiddo-friendly crafts, golfing with Andy, or tackling the latest home to-do project, away-from-thebrush family time is number one for Ashley.

photos: rialee photography | ria czichotzki

26

on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

ashley bakkegard brushed interiors

three words that describe your style?

More is less.

painting for most is a daunting task. what motivates you about painting?

Painting is like therapy for me. It is something I have always loved. I have an early memory of my dad letting my sister and me paint this wooden rack that held the garbage cans. I loved it so much! As an adult it never occurred to me that people disliked painting. I loved it, so I assumed everyone did. When I did my first exhibition show in the winter of 2015, I was amazed by the number of people who wanted their kitchen cabinets refinished, but didn’t want to do it themselves. People ask if I get bored painting and I really don’t. I have a new project every couple of weeks and I love helping people love their kitchens again!

mom preneur

something unique brushed interiors offers many would be surprised to know?

I have a project coming up that I am really excited about! I am painting exterior steel doors for a client to make them look like real wood doors. You can do this to garage doors too. Instead of having plain white or tan doors, it gives them a completely new look.

if you could give one painting tip, what would it be?

When I talk to clients, many don’t want to pick some-

what do you think is the biggest trend in paint design today?

White cabinets, by far! It is my most requested finish.

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701.364.APEX (2739) www.apexptwe ll ness.com 1420 9th St. E. Suite 401, West Fargo

august • september twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms

27

mompreneur thing that wouldn’t be good for resale, even if they’re not planning on moving for five or more years. I tell them to pick what they like and not worry about resale. It’s their home and they see it every day. One client wanted chocolate brown cabinets but thought she should pick white as it was simple and goes with everything. White would not have worked in her space. She had warm, neutral colors and white would have been too cold. She went with the brown, it turned out great, and she loved it!

what is the biggest mistake clients make when considering paint color?

Using small paint-chip samples. Ask for larger ones or even get a small sample of paint to put on a larger area. Some of my clients know what color they want their cabinets to be, others are not sure. They know they want something different, but not sure what exactly. So I talk it over with them, find out the look they are trying to achieve and from there I do a couple sample boards for them to keep for a few days.

That way they can see if the small color they liked on a paint chip looks good on a bigger cabinet door and

O

OO LS

FA R G

when giving kitchen cabinets a makeover, what can a client expect?

First, I remove all the doors and drawer fronts. I bring those back to my studio where I prep and spray the fronts and backs. Then I am in the client’s home over the next few days, cleaning and prepping the frames, followed by two coats of primer, two coats of paint, and a clear, protective coat. An average kitchen in our area has around 30-35 cabinet doors and drawers. It takes six to seven days from start to finish.

what advice would you share with budding mompreneurs?

If you are waiting for the right time, it will never come. Do your research and test the waters. If the signs point to yes, just take the plunge! It will be scary, and it still is for me, but the positives have always outweighed the negatives

BLIC S C H

PU

if it’s what they thought it would be.

701.610.9331 Ashley@BrushedInteriorsND.com www.BrushedInteriorsND.com www.facebook.com/TheBrushedInteriors

Addiction Hurts Families.

First Step Recovery Can Help. www.onthemindsofmoms.com

The mission of the Fargo Public Schools is to educate and empower all students to succeed.

The Fargo Public Schools are committed to: • Believing that all students can learn and grow • Creating a supportive and positive school climate • Ensuring that all students receive effective, rigorous, and relevant instruction from highly qualified teachers • Engaging leadership in all student, parent, and community partnerships • Making data-driven decisions for continuous improvement For more information about Fargo Public Schools and its Strategic Plan, visit www.fargo.k12.nd.us or call 701-446-1000.

28

on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

Addiction treatment for the whole person and the whole family.

701-293-3384 3201 Fiechtner Drive • Fargo

FirstStep-Recovery.com

mompreneur

before

before

after

after

after

august • september twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms

29

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

before

shutterbug expressions by ashton photography

caitlin killoran photography

rialee photography

caitlin killoran photography

J

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gettin’ through it

tips for the blended family story by | clara erickson, lmft

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

O

family. It may look different for each family member, but there is grief and loss. Grief is a very human reaction to a big life change.

ur concept of family is shaped throughout our lives.

We’ve probably all drawn a picture of our family in grade school, the kind with stick-figure bodies of disproportionate sizes and family members’ names written nearby. I still have a few family drawings tucked away among my keepsakes. Our idea of family comes not only from our own experiences but also from other families we know, as well as what television, media, and society tell us families “should” look like.

After divorce, parents eventually move on and decide to date again. Sometimes they even decide to marry again, thus bringing their families together to form a new family dynamic—the blended family. Naturally, adults tend to be happy to have met someone new and are excited to move forward. Children, especially teens, may take more time to accept the changes.

Then we grow up and perhaps get married and have children. As we know, marriages sometimes end in divorce, which changes the way a family looks and challenges our internal concept of family. When this happens, there is a grief process for everyone in the

challenges Blended families have many wonderful aspects; there are more people to love and support, new experiences, and renewed chances at love. For some families, there are very few issues as they form a new blended family.

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on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

gettin’ through it But, unfortunately, it is fairly common for some blended families to have issues with adjusting. If you are having difficulties in your blended family, my hope is the following will affirm your experience and offer some thoughts and advice on what might help. I also hope to provide insight into some of the unique dynamics and experiences that can occur in blended families.

Blended families can take up to several years to adjust to their new normal. There are several reasons for this. As mentioned earlier, grief can still be present for many family members, including adults. Moving through grief requires space to feel it, time, and acknowledgement of the grief. It can also be difficult to adjust, particularly if the blended family is different from what was imagined, or there is the presence of an “us” versus “them” mentality, or when people feel left out or uncomfortable in their own home.

guide their stepchildren. It’s frustrating, feels unfair, and may create resentment.

While adjusting, being part of a blended family may not leave much time or energy for the marital relationship.

The children and other responsibilities can take up so much time that you lose sight of the reason you became a family in the first place - your love for one another!

Here are a few ideas to help improve areas of challenge or manage your expectations around your adjusting blended family: • be patient and flexible Do your best to take some pressure off yourself and others by allowing things to adjust over time. It’s easier said than done, of

Another factor is that everyone is adjusting to a new role within the family. For example, a child who was previously the oldest sibling may now be a middle child. In addition, there are new rules, boundaries, and sometimes new homes, schools, towns, jobs, etc. Children in particular may not have the skills to articulate their thoughts and feelings or cope with changes, which can result in acting out in behavioral or emotional ways.

One of the most challenging aspects for adjusting stepparents is learning how to participate in their stepchildren’s lives. Although well meaning, stepparents may receive resistance, anger, or other negative responses when they are trying their best to get to know and

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

Love Hope Family

august • september twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms

33

gettin’ through it

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

course, but telling yourself your family “should” be able to do this or that is only going to increase pressure and stress. You might also have to challenge your concept of family.

• take care of yourself Parents, in particular, often take care of themselves last. The axiom that comes to mind is “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” It is so, so important to do things to replenish yourself [we refer to this as “self-care” in therapist speak].

For some this means reading a book, taking a bath, going for a run or walk, enjoying a cup of coffee, seeing close friends, going to a class, etc. Sometimes self-care involves getting enough sleep, taking care of your body, and acknowledging your emotional needs. Whatever this means to you, if you can make sure you’re taken care of, other areas of your life will be easier to manage.

• nurture your relationship With all the chaos of the blended family life, such as coordinating schedules, managing finances, and working, it can be difficult to find time to spend on your relationship. I encourage you to find ways to stay connected, whether it’s in very small ways throughout the day or in larger

34

on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

chunks of time, if you can make that happen. Consider all your interactions with your spouse or partner as opportunities to either make your relationship better or worse. Sound difficult? Yes, relationships are tough. Putting thought and consideration into all you do will be very helpful during the potentially stressful beginnings of a blended family marriage.

The rest will fall in place in time, but remember your relationship is the cornerstone of the family.

• allow everyone to grieve It’s important to recognize behaviors in children that might be signs of grief rather than simply defiance or anger. Children are mourning the loss of their parents’ relationship and adjusting to their new family life. Validating a child’s feelings when you see him struggling can be incredibly powerful, such as saying, “You must be having a really difficult time dealing with this.

There has been a lot of change for you.” There is no need to problem solve, just show him you understand how he feels. Also recognize signs of grief in yourself as you adjust to your new life. It’s not uncommon to have unresolved grief as you enter your new marriage if you didn’t process your feelings after the end of your previous marriage. Grief needs to be felt and moved through. It can’t be circumvented.

• ease up on step-parenting Allow the biological parent to do most of the parenting because this will be better received initially, particularly if the child is older.

Then the stepparent can work towards becoming more involved. Work together to create household rules and make sure you’re both actively involved

in decision making and communicating about the children. It’s important for the biological parent to step up to their parenting role, particularly if they weren’t the primary parent in their last marriage.

Taking a step back as a stepparent doesn’t mean the stepparent is not important; the role and boundaries are just a little different as a stepparent. Focus your energy instead on building a foundation for a relationship with your stepchildren, if it does not already exist.

Blended families have their unique challenges and are capable of making it work. Like any family it takes intentionality, hard work, perseverance, and patience.

If you’re struggling with blended family issues, I would be happy to help. I primarily work with relationship issues among couples and families and can provide support to individuals struggling with these concerns as well. I offer a free 15-minute consultation phone call to see if my services are right for you.

Clara is a Fargo native, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, and owner of New Dynamics Counseling. Clara obtained a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and Family Studies from St. Olaf College and Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from University of St. Thomas. At New Dynamics Counseling, Clara specializes in working with relationship challenges by helping couples, families, and parents and their children.

When she’s not counseling, Clara loves to spend quality time with friends and family, practice yoga, travel, decorate, and spend time at the lake.

You can contact Clara by visiting www.newdynamicscounseling.com or calling 701.446.6500.

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New Dynamics Counseling

Relationship Counseling | Couples Families | Parenting | Blended Family Dynamics

newdynamicscounseling.com | 701-446-6500

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

august • september twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms

35

oh, by the way

lies, daycare & motherhood

story by | deb uglem

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

I

t was moving day. The boys were bouncing off the walls. The moving company had arrived on time and I was waiting for our nanny to take them to the park and then to our temporary residence—Comfort Inn and Suites. I had taken the day off to oversee the moving company and I was pretty excited. We were moving to our first house, an oh-so-cute story and half in Allen Park, Michigan. So I waited, waited, and waited for the nanny and she never arrived. Not a good situation: five men packing our townhouse while three boys under the age of three ran around pointing and yelling. I called the nanny, no answer. I was between a rock and a hard place—or should I say an absent nanny and a moving day. I walked to the front door and pleaded back to one of the moving guys, “Please take good care of my stuff.

I am going to get these kids out of your way.” I didn’t even listen to his reply because I spotted one of the boys walking up the moving truck’s ramp. I was out the door.

It’s hard to believe, but the day went south from there.

We went to the park to burn some energy and as we 36

on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

arrived it started raining. Not a sprinkle, either—a downpour. Next stop, Hardee’s for lunch and two of the three cried through the entire meal. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Check-in time finally arrived and we topped the day off by walking up three flights to our “smoking” room before walking back down and across the courtyard to a different room. By 4 p.m. we had made it. I sat down on the couch of our “suite” and smiled at the idea of a cartoon-playing television and some quiet. Then it hit me: I had exactly 72 hours to find new childcare.

I started immediately. I pulled out the hotel phone book [yes, phone book] and began calling daycares. I had been burned by a nanny and I was moving to reliable daycares with buildings that were always there and always open. Several calls later I found the perfect one. It had room for all three boys, close to our new house, and affordable. I guess you could call that the trifecta! One catch, my oldest had to be potty trained.

Something came over me when the director asked me if he was potty trained. I answered with an immediate and confident, “Yes, he is.”

oh, by the way I don’t know what I was thinking. It must have been the stress of the day. The falsehood literally fell out of my mouth. Now, in my defense, we had discussed potty training with him and we had even purchased “big boy” pants.

But let’s just say he hadn’t mastered the task. I spent the next two days focusing on achieving this milestone, just hoping something in this little boy would click. It didn’t.

I rationalized with myself—how bad could it really be?

I would like to tell you that this story ends well, that the boys loved the daycare, there were no “accidents,” and we were enrolled for years and years. But that is not the case. My day-one pick up was filled with concerned faces and discussions on my son’s set back with potty training.

I listened and nodded, mirroring their expressions. By day three everyone was crying, including me, as we loaded ourselves into the car in the morning; it was exhausting getting us all out of the house. On day four I had to leave work because one of the boys had a fever.

Day five my other son had a fever. Add all of this to the increase in accident laundry and it was getting tough to handle. I just knew I was being punished.

Soon the concerned faces turned into very pointed questions. My secret couldn’t have been more obvious if my pants were literally on fire. Then karma kicked me right in the stomach. I was dropping the kids off and all three took off running in different directions, one toward a busy road, the other through the parking lot, and one was headed to a nearby alley. I am sure I looked crazy. I managed to grab one and hoist him like a football under my right arm while I karate kicked the daycare door open with my left foot and yelled, “Please help!”

The staff came running and we managed to get all my giggling boys inside safely without incident. Just great.

Now not only was I the lying-about-potty-training-mom but I was also the crazy-karate-kick-drop-off-mom.

How embarrassing.

That was it, I needed to make new arrangements. I just couldn’t take the pressure of the lie. I walked in sheepishly that night and gave my notice. I took the boys home, fed them dinner, and went to my room and cried.

I am not proud. Lies, daycare, and motherhood don’t mix and take it from me it wasn’t worth it. That was the first time I learned that the reality of motherhood has a way of keeping you honest. I would like to say it was the last time but we all know I would be lying…again.

P.S. This is a true story. I promise!

Raised in Finley, ND, Deb has called the Fargo-Moorhead area her home for the last 14 years. A graduate of Drake University in Des Moines, IA, with a degree in Journalism and Mass Communications, she is currently Marketing & Communications Director for Wanzek Construction. Deb welcomes the pleasant distraction that writing brings and thanks her children, Jake [22], Tony [21], Nick [21], and Emily [19] for inspiration.

Deb and her husband Tim like to spend their free time with their kids and on the golf course.

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37

body + being

out of the darkness:

how to talk about suicide

story by | patricia carlson

O

ne morning in eighth grade Sara Dukart did what every middle schooler does before school. She got ready, stuffed her back pack, and packed her lunch. But before heading out the door, she ransacked medicine cabinets and grabbed every pill she could find.

“I didn’t actually want to die but I couldn’t take the pain that I was feeling,” she says.

A teacher at her Fergus Falls school noticed that Sara was acting sick and disoriented. The school called Sara’s parents and Sara spent the next two days recovering from her suicide attempt.

She was 12 years old.

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in north dakota, suicide is the second leading cause of death for ages 10–24 Sara is now a nurse living in Fargo. Sara’s story, one that she regularly shares in her reign as Mrs. Montana International 2016, is a reminder that suicide can affect anyone, at any age, in any life stage. Suicide is a public-health issue.

Nationally, the suicide rate is going up. In 2013 156 people [including non-residents] died by suicide in North Dakota, shows data from the North Dakota chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention [ND AFSP]. Since January 2016 four high school students from all corners of the state took their own lives.

Suicide is also complex. There are almost always multiple causes, including psychiatric illnesses that 38

on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

may not have been recognized or treated, reports AFSP. Depression is the most common condition associated with suicide, and it is often undiagnosed or untreated.

However, these illnesses are treatable. most, but not all, people who die by suicide exhibit warning signs Mary Weiler knows firsthand how difficult it can be to understand why someone would kill him/herself. Mary lost her 33-year-old daughter, Jennifer, to suicide in 2005.

“Looking back, our family can sort of see the warning signs and risk factors. But at the time we really were not educated at all about suicide,” says Mary. “Jennifer’s death has prompted our whole family to do more for ourselves and our community.”

Mary is now the chair of the ND AFSP board of directors.

A year after her daughter’s death, Mary organized FargoMoorhead’s first ‘Out of the Darkness’ walk for suicide prevention. In 2007 she formally brought the ND chapter of the AFSP to fruition. The following year she trained to become a support group facilitator. She still runs the group, which meets the third Thursday of every month at 6:30pm at Atonement Lutheran Church in Fargo.

“Those three years were pretty critical to bring education and resources throughout the state,” says Mary. ‘out of the darkness’ walks have been held statewide, including valley city, bismarck, jamestown, williston, grand forks, minot & beulah Since Jennifer’s death, Mary and ND ASFP organizers have worked tirelessly to educate people about suicide.

Early on they focused on establishing ‘Out of the Darkness’ walks across the state to let people know of the group’s existence and to raise money to provide more outreach programming. The money raised from those walks now allows ND ASFP to bring education and awareness programs directly into schools, colleges, religious organizations, tribal communities, non-profit groups, and even law enforcement agencies.

“We cover a lot of different audiences and bring the message based on what their role is,” says Mary.

Warning signs and risk factors, especially among teenagers and college students, is a crucial part of the ND ASFP’s outreach. This age group is vulnerable to outside stressors because they haven’t yet developed healthy coping mechanisms to deal with life’s problems.

If they have an undiagnosed or untreated mental-health issue, that can complicate matters further. “our brain health is no different from our heart health.” - sara dukart One of the biggest obstacles suicide education groups face is reducing the stigma attached to having a mentalhealth issue. In particular, Sara feels that parents need to be more open minded about talking to their children about brain health.

“If parents can have that conversation early on, kids won’t be so scared if they do need help,” says Sara. “We educate our children to eat healthy and go outside and play. We also need to teach them to talk about their feelings and that our brain health is no different from our heart health.”

After Sara’s suicide attempt, she began intensive therapy and used medication to stabilize her depression. She no longer needs those. Now, as Mrs. Montana International 2016 and Chair Field Ambassador for the AFSP, Sara shares her story to help other people struggling with suicidal thoughts. “I know that my story will help other people and that fuels me to continue sharing it. It’s never easy, I still feel vulnerable, but I understand how important it is.”

It’s one of the most difficult conversations you’ll ever have. How do you talk to a family member or friend who has just lost someone to suicide? Here’s what to say…and what to avoid: • Show up. Call. Send a card. Offer your condolences. The worst thing you can do is be silent and pretend it didn’t happen.

• Listen. Let people talk about their loved one.

Don’t judge or blame others for not seeing warning signs or preventing the suicide.

• Do not use clichés like, “it was her time;” “you’re gonna be made stronger by this;” “she’s in a better place.” These are not comforting.

• Say the deceased person’s name. Avoiding the person’s name can make others feel like the one who died is being dismissed or forgotten.

• Prepare a meal. Take child family members to the park. Offer to answer phone calls. These are practical things that are helpful and very meaningful.

• Admit you don’t know what to say or do. It’s okay to acknowledge you don’t understand how to react.

the warning signs There is no single cause for suicide. But there are [usually] warning signs: • • • • • • • •

Talking about wanting to die Talking about feeling hopeless Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs Talking about feeling trapped Sleeping too much or too little Talking about being a burden to others Withdrawing or feeling isolated Extreme mood swings

if you, or someone you know, is in crisis, call 1-800-273-TALK [8255]

august • september twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms

39

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

Patricia Carlson, known as Tricia, is a freelance writer who splits her time and talent between Content Marketing and editorial journalism.

Don’t ask this Medill School of Journalism grad to choose which one she loves more! She’s been writing professionally for more than a dozen years; check out LinkedIn for a roster of clients, past and present. When she’s not interviewing sources or researching trends, she’s living a fast-paced Florida life questioning the antics of her two young children, partner, and mischievous cat. You can learn more about Tricia at www. patriciacarlsonfreelance.com.

what do i say?

B

rother to Abby, son to Joan and Lonnie, and Fargo North graduate, Nick Kjonaas attended Law Enforcement Skills Training through Lake Region State College in 2003. The following year Nick was hired by the Fargo Police

Department and is currently a detective assigned to the Crimes Against Children Team. In addition to his responsibilities as a Detective, he is also a Hostage/Crisis Negotiator with the Red River Valley SWAT team. Married twelve years to Rachel, the couple has two daughters, Kate [9] and Lauren [7]. Nick loves spending his free time coaching his daughters’ hockey teams, golfing with family and friends, being a small group leader for Hope Kids at Hope Lutheran Church, and watching his girls play hockey, soccer, and golf.

photos: caitlin killoran photography  | caitlin killoran

nick kjonaas

rad dad

age 34, fargo.nd

best mistake i’ve made… not completing a college degree. After completing my Law Enforcement Skills Training I was very excited to begin my career as a Police Officer and set the goal of working in the community where I grew up. I saw this as an opportunity to help maintain the quality of living I enjoyed growing up in Fargo. I enjoy going to work every day and feel lucky to be part of a great police department.

i always feel compelled to act when…

a home near a large ski resort. After high school I spent a ski season in Keystone, Colorado. I like to go back as often as I can.

i could spend hours… at my mom’s lake home with family and friends. No matter what season it is, the lake is a place where we can spend time enjoying the outdoors. There always seems to be something new or interesting to try in the lakes area, although just being on the water never gets old.

Your Pe

BES

people are mistreated and don’t have the resources to advocate for themselves.

i’m a big believer in… making sure I get to spend as much time with family and friends as possible. I enjoy being around people and don’t take for granted all the great people who are in my family’s life.

three things on my bucket list… going to the winter Olympics, sky diving, and owning

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We’d love to have your family as part of our school family.

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rad dad a talent i wish i had…

i can never see myself…

I wish I could master the art of grilling. I took for granted the meals my dad prepared on the grill, but had fun being with him while he was grilling. For now, I am assigned to the after-meal clean-up crew.

singing karaoke and dancing. I have thought about trying it and have decided it’s best for everyone else if I just watch.

my wife inspires me when…

a pair of running shoes that are a little worn, but don’t attract much attention. They are great for all seasons and are flexible enough for most situations.

I see her connect with kids as a parent, teacher, or coach. She has a great ability to share information in ways kids can always understand. Watching kids grasp new concepts and succeed is amazing and Rachel is a very successful communicator.

all-time favorite movie/show…

Miracle. For me this is one of the greatest accomplishments in sports history and its one movie my entire family can watch together over and over. The best message I take from the movie is the importance of placing the team before the individual. I feel that message applies to so many aspects of life.

something unique about me…

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before becoming a Police Officer, I worked as a Night Attendant at Hanson-Runsvold Funeral Home. My time at Hanson-Runsvold taught me the importance of being a good listener and paying attention to detail.

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on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

the shoes that best describe me…

if i could invent any familyfriendly product it would be… an outdoor mosquito repellant that is 100% effective.

Our summers are short and being able to enjoy a long night outside without mosquitos would be great!

i’ve never understood… the ability to coordinate clothes. I count on my wife to help with aligning shirts, ties, and pants that match. It’s usually when I get to work that my Sargent lets me know I didn’t dress well on my own.

when it comes to our kids, my wife and i sometimes disagree on… if we should get a family dog. Most of the time we agree that we are too busy for a dog, but there are times when she is persuaded by the kids that it’s a good idea and I have to disagree with her and the kids.

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did you know

teens drugs parents… learning how to stop the enabling story by | mary jo hansen m.ed. lac/lpc

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

M

ost every parent wants to guide and relate to their children in healthy and productive ways.

Unfortunately, despite a parent or guardian’s best efforts, there are times when the patterns, choices, and ways of relating to a teen abusing alcohol or other substances becomes part of the problem. It is called “enabling.”

A definition from psychologydictionary.org defines enabling as, “the process where a person unwittingly aids a person’s negative behavior.” Applying this definition to parenting, I would suggest that enabling most often begins with honorable intentions of wanting to be a good parent, but it takes a sharp turn at some point and becomes a habit that is hard to break. Parents of

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on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

substance-abusing teens rationalize their enabling behaviors as helpful and supportive when, in reality, they are not.

Take the scenario of a teen who is a junior in high school. He has been active in sports, plays in the band, and has kept his grades to at least B’s all his school years. His parents begin to notice he is becoming more moody, is more secretive and isolated from the family, and alcohol and pot have been found in his bedroom several times. The teen has started to skip school and has missed showing up for his part-time job on occasion.

Add nine more months onto these current “red flag” behaviors, and now the problem has grown to include: minor in possession charges, a DUI, fired from his job, grades have become C’s or D’s, depression or hostility

did you know and agitation are frequent, and his values appear to be regularly compromised. Lastly, his parents found pills in pockets or drawers that they later learned were opiates. What is a parent to do?

Well, a parent with enabling behaviors when faced with the above facts may fall into several patterns: 1. Lying to other family members [spouse, kids, grandparents, etc.] about the current substance abuse and behavior problems.

2. Lying to the school about the reason for absences.

3. Placing blame for the teen’s behavior on an ex-spouse, the divorce, a recent death in the family, not making the sports team, friends, society, or poor self-esteem.

4. Making excuses: “It’s just a stage,” or “All kids experiment with alcohol and drugs,” or “It’s just pot,” or “She said she only drinks beer, not the hard stuff.”

5. Taking over the teen’s responsibilities: home chores, lawn-mowing job, club projects, or school work.

6. Paying the fines for legal charges to the court or the lawyer.

These enabling behaviors allow the teen to continue to abuse substances without dealing with the negative consequences of his use. The parent has unwittingly become part of the problem. This scenario happens frequently due to a concept called denial. Every parent wants their children to become good, happy, healthy, productive individuals. Every parent enjoys the opportunities to take pride in the accomplishments of their kids. Even though the evidence points to a problem, with denial the parent hangs on to the thinking of: “Not my kid,” or “She’s not that bad,” or “He still has good grades.”

Being a parent is always about unconditional love, but it is most helpful when it is the type of love that knows the importance of setting boundaries, saying no when needed, and dealing with difficult issues when they arise.

It is okay to monitor a teen’s phone or computer use,

Most treatment centers for substance abuse offer free, confidential information over the phone or in person.

To learn more about substance abuse, there is a large library at Lost and Found Recovery Center in Moorhead, MN [www.lostandfoundrecoverycenter.org] that has books, DVDs, and other pertinent information for parents and concerned individuals. The website www.samsha. gov [Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration] also provides a wealth of information.

Deciding to reach out is the first step.

Mary Jo has worked at First Step Recovery since 2012. She received a Master’s Degree in Counseling from North Dakota State University.

She has worked with adults and adolescents in inpatient and outpatient programs. She currently provides educational lectures, program development, and facilitation of individual and group therapy for patients and their families. For more information on First Step Recovery visit www.

FirstStep-Recovery.com or call 701.293.3384.

Families Making the Difference

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Some parents treasure the role of being their teen’s confidant and counselor. If the signs and symptoms of substance abuse have continued to escalate, it is important to seek professional help. Consider this: in the child’s younger days, running him to the doctor for a possible ear infection or strep throat is done automatically, out of concern. Taking a teen to see a professional to assess for possible substance abuse or a mood problem should be done out of that same concern. But sometimes parental fear or denial delays the decision to seek help.

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august • september twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms

45

just a thought

hero moms!

story by | kathleen wrigley

T

o this day, though not nearly as often, I catch myself staring at our 15-year-old daughter and flashing back to when she was 3 ½ and lost on a beach in Ocean City, New Jersey. Twelve years later, my hands sweat and my heart punches my ribcage just remembering the pure hell that lasted all of 20 minutes—a lifetime for a parent. I will never, ever, ever forget that agonizing fear.

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

We were on our traditional summer beach vacation.

If you’ve never been to a New Jersey beach, picture a human carpet on sand. Thousands of vacationers lay and play on the warm shore.

There must’ve been 20 adults and as many kids from my family: aunts, uncles, cousins, my parents, and my cousins’ children. Our chairs were arranged in a protective semi-circle with our children in the middle, playing and digging and building sand castles.

What happened next was like a horror movie. Dark, angry clouds and earth-shaking thunder rolled in from the ocean. The life guards’ whistles and the thunderous 46

on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

roars forced swimmers from the water. The guards ushered hordes of people from the beach.

And in the midst of the chaos my baby girl vanished.

I stood there, paralyzed, while packs of people—who all looked the same—rushed past me, shaking their towels and carrying their own babies like footballs.

My family sprung into full-blown action, alerting the life guards and running through the crowds screaming her name, “Quuuinnny. Quinn.” The life guards took her description and tried to convince me that she wasn’t in the water, and they’d find her. I wanted to believe them, but then…why were they talking into their walkie-talkies, obviously communicating with the helicopter that hung and swayed over the ocean waves close to the beach?

By this point the beach was emptied, except for my frantic family, screaming for Quinn. In those moments I was sure my child was enveloped in the crushing waves of the massive sea and I’d never see or hold her again. Or worse. Had someone taken her? I was hyperventilating; it literally took my breath away.

just a thought After what felt like an eternity, my aunt ran towards me waving and screaming. I could see Quinn far in the distance. She stood there in her American-flag bathing suit, under the dark clouds and pouring rain, holding the hand of a strange, kind woman. Quinn was gripping this Hero Mom’s hand and still carrying her bucket. My life had flashed before my eyes. This picture is tattooed on my memory.

Quinn was many blocks away from where she wandered off and got swept up in the crowds. She followed another little girl who had the same-colored bucket as her little cousin, Erin. This Hero Mom’s heart knew my girl was lost. Sending her own family to safety, she held my baby’s hand to calm her, and didn’t move from where she found Quinn. Hero Mom said, “I couldn’t leave her, and I didn’t want to take her from this spot. I knew someone would come for her.” We were traumatized and scared. She didn’t judge me, or yell at me for losing my child. She held her hand and waited, patiently. God bless this Super Hero Mom. If I didn’t think it was weird, I’d enshrine that American-flag one-piece swimsuit in a shadow box. For the rest of our

vacation Quinn slept next to me every night. Like a psycho, I watched her sleep and counted her breaths. I thanked Almighty God for sending this Hero-Mom angel. I love her.

Having a child is terrifying. Our hearts live outside the walls of our protection. Bad things happen. Accidents occur. And it doesn’t always have a happy ending. And most of the time, fellow parents throw support and prayers to each other when a child is hurt.

So I’ve been surprised by the onslaught of parent judging and criticism coming from social media and internet posts since the tragic story about the little toddler ripped from his daddy by a gator at Disney. At Disney.

The happiest, most magical place on earth.

And before that a little boy wandered away from his momma and fell into the gorilla compound at the Cincinnati Zoo. A gorilla tossed the child around and the zookeepers were forced to take the poor animal’s life. That child lived, but scores of parents shamed his mother. Tens of thousands even signed a petition to have the Hamilton County Child Protection Services investigate this child’s parents for neglect.

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august • september twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms

47

just a thought One man wrote a Facebook post urging that these parents be held responsible for the cost of the gorilla.

The post received 15,000 likes. Come on, people.

Here’s what I know: we all have something significant in common. We are imperfect humans. Parents have accepted the most important job there is, and we’re completely untrained.

Am I a bad, neglectful mother because my toddler daughter got lost in a rushing crowd on a beach in New Jersey? I know I’m lucky, and not only because Quinny was safe. I’m fortunate social media wasn’t a thing back then. Sharing opinions on the internet brings out the best and worst in us.

Since I’m being honest about my imperfect parenting, I’m also hoping there weren’t any social media parentjudgers in Target today. Shoppers may or may not have heard me, through clenched teeth, threaten to make my two other children sit in the toilet paper aisle while I finished fetching what I needed. In my defense, Judgers, you may’ve missed the incessant bickering and button-pushing that led to the last straw: my son plunging his little sister’s face with a toilet-bowl plunger.

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Big-brother-toilet-bowl-plunger-in-face incidents aside, our world can be hard and unforgiving, and it seems to be getting worse, not better. Too often we’re quick to condemn, especially when we’re behind a computer.

Social media and the internet have no filter for mean, disparaging, unloving comments. Let’s take off those ugly judgy pants. They’re not comfortable, anyway. Let’s have a great BIG, world-wide parent hug. Let’s try hard to be beacons of grace. Let’s be Hero Moms. Wanna?

Peace out, Girlfriends.

Kathleen serves on a number of community and statewide boards, committees, and leadership councils, and enjoys volunteering in church, in her kids’ school, and community programs/events. Kathleen is passionate about victims’ rights and helping to promote balance and fairness in the criminal justice system. She is also deeply interested in advocacy, education, programs, and research relating to the protection of children. Fitness is an integral part of Kathleen’s daily routine and helps her sustain her own mental health! Kathleen’s column “ just a thought” has been a regularly occurring piece in “on the minds of moms” since 2009. This Philadelphia native is married to a fourth-generation North Dakotan and ND’s Lieutenant Governor, Drew, and proudly considers North Dakota her home. They have three children. Before becoming a mom, she was director for Bismarck’s Child Advocacy Center and was a speechwriter. Kathleen received a BS from Pennsylvania State University and completed her graduate studies at Temple University in Philadelphia.

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angie koenig

story by | sheri kleinsasser stockmoe

A

ngie entered the car with her two girls after the funeral. The cemetery would be their next stop. She was exhausted. She could have never imagined she could cry so many tears. But she could. Deep breath…keep it together…stay strong. As the procession turned out of the church parking lot her tears started again. The street was lined with hundreds of people waving American flags. Young and old, friends and strangers. They stretched the entire one-and-a-half miles to the cemetery. It was another sign of the respect and support she had felt many times over in the last few days. But the end of this car ride signified a beginning, a new normal. A life with just her to raise her girls. Could she do it? There was no question about it…yes…yes, she could and would.

courage to carry on photos: rialee photography | ria czichotzki

courage to carry on

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when i look back, the courage that she had to have going through this is amazing.

special thank you to the family and foster county independent for additional images

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on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

courage to carry on In 1983 Angie Koenig’s family moved to Carrington, ND, about having more than one child, but we obviously and now she was the new kid in sixth grade. Shannon never planned the first and weren't going to plan the Bock noticed Angie right away. “I liked her hair,” Shannon second either!” says with a laugh. Whether it was just her hair, infecIn November 2003 Lance walked into the living room tious smile, or bubbly personality remains to be seen, holding a letter in his hand. “I'm getting activated,” he but the two have been pretty much inseparable since told his wife. recess that day 33 years ago. Shannon has been along for every milestone in Angie’s life, including some they “I had such a pit in my stomach,” Angie says as tears fill may recall differently. her eyes. “My heart just sank.”

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“You decided you liked Lance in eighth grade,” Shannon a duty says as Angie raises an eyebrow. “I don’t think I decided Lance had been a member of the National Guard since I liked him,” Angie retorts, confident it was Lance who 1988 when he enlisted at the age of 18. showed an interest first. Both agree the young romance was on and off until their junior year of high school. “I remember thinking, ‘this is part of it,’” Angie says of Lance’s pending deployment. “We knew this could “He liked her because she was just as strong willed as happen, and he believed in the guards. I believed in the he was,” Shannon says. “He saw it as a challenge and guards and supported its mission.” With the reality of she saw it as a challenge. That's how it all started.”

Lance being gone for a year or more, Angie’s thoughts High school offered Angie and Lance an opportunity turned to her girls. “I had a one year old and 11 year to fuel their competitive natures. Angie competed old and I remember thinking, ‘I’ve got to stay strong; on the basketball court, the track field, and with the we can do this.’” dance team, while Lance won state championships in Lance’s deployment would start the following month. football, track, and wrestling. After high school Lance There was lots to accomplish in a short time, but he accepted a scholarship to wrestle at North Dakota State assured his wife he wasn’t worried about things at University and Angie played basketball for North Dakota home. “I remember we were lying in bed and he said, State College of Science in Wahpeton, ND, where she ‘Ang, no matter what happens, you're the strongest shared an apartment with Shannon. person I know, you can get through anything,’” Angie Lance and Angie saw big changes in 1992. In July they says, struggling to get the words out. welcomed a daughter, Alli, and the day after Christmas On her own, the months seemed to speed by and Lance they said “I do.” The young family made their home in came home in August 2004 for two weeks. “He was Fargo while Angie worked and Lance went to school scheduled to come closer to the end of the year, but and wrestled for the Bison. “There was a little stress, for some reason somebody switched with him,” Angie I’d say, as we were trying to find our balance,” Angie recalls. “Talk about cramming in stuff! We celebrated recalls of those early years. “He was is in college and Brooklynn’s second birthday and we tried to see had Alli and me to take care of and all of his friends everyone, but you want your own time too.” They also were out having fun and doing the college thing. While planned to take family photos but simply ran out of having fun with his friends was important to him too, time. “We were going to but it got down to the end of he would pick us over that any day.” his stay and decided we’d do it when he got back…I Lance’s best friend since first grade, Dr. Michael Page, really regret that.” agrees with Angie. “This was a man that was exceptional the day at anything he put his mind to,” Michael says of his She woke up to the sound of her apartment buzzer. It friend. “But after becoming a father, his sole dream was 6 a.m. Who could be buzzing her this early in the was for his family’s happiness.” morning? “I opened the door,” Angie says, as her voice Life kept moving forward for the Koenigs. Angie took cracks. “There was a military officer and a chaplain a position with Fabricators Unlimited…Lance finished standing there…I just dropped to my knees.” college...Alli started school…a position opened at Angie’s work…Lance took it…the family of three added one "I’m sorry to have to inform you that your husband was killed." The words suffocated her. “Then I remember more. “Brooklynn was born August 2002. Yep, ten years both the girls woke up. Brooklynn was sitting in my lap after Alli,” Angie says with a laugh. “We always talked

courage to carry on just hugging me,” Angie says as she wipes away tears.

“She just sat quietly and she was never quiet and still.

I'm holding Brooklynn and Alli is sitting beside me crying. And then I called Shannon.”

morning. The rain would fall and snow fly. How do you keep going after such a loss? One day at a time…

sincere giving “I have that on my mirror, ‘one day at a time,’” Angie Shannon couldn’t understand anything Angie was saying, explains of her self-imposed motto. “People have said but was able to decipher that something happened to ‘you've done well, you could've done something different,’ Lance and rushed to her friend’s side. and I'm like, what's the option…to not keep going on?

Thinking back I don't know that I thought there was September 22, 2004, Lance was killed by a roadside some other option. I had two girls to raise...that was bomb while he was on patrol in Iraq. the only option.”

“We just sat,” Shannon recalls. “We sat for a while so she could process with the girls and try to help them.”

The next weeks could best be described as an overwhelming blur. “You’re being asked these questions about what you want to do now and how to plan the funeral. Who thinks about all that?” Angie asks. “You don’t ever realize you need to think about those things.

I didn't, because it’s never gonna happen to us, right?”

Soon after Lance was laid to rest, Angie was given a proposition from three local couples. The group wanted to spearhead a community effort to provide Angie something that would lighten her financial load for the coming years and signify the enormous sense of gratitude many felt toward Lance, Angie, and their girls. They wanted to build Angie a house.

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

Angie’s response…”I can’t let people do this for me. I While she can’t tell you exactly who came and went, was not comfortable accepting a house and I didn’t Angie remembers the constant stream of people. want any publicity.”

“Everybody wanted to say and do the right thing and I “In her mind this wasn't about her,” Shannon adds. didn't even know what the right thing was,” she says “This was about something so much bigger than her as her voice trails off. ”People showing that they cared and how could she possibly let those families and the in their different ways meant the world to me.” community do this for her because she didn't feel she deserved it. But she did deserve this!”

A memorial service would be held in Fargo with a funeral following in Carrington. Both locations allowed “The girls deserved it,” Angie clarifies. “That's finally for friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers to pay what did it,” Shannon agrees. “It was the girls and their respects and offer support to Angie and Lance’s knowing she needed to look into the future and this families. “It was unreal to see all the people, especially was the right thing to do for the girls and for her family.” many I didn’t know, and yet they came to show support,” Angie says. “I think of all the cards, money, and “I like giving better than receiving,” Angie emphatically condolences that people sent. There were thousands - I states. The group knew the community would rally had no idea who the people were.” around Angie and her girls and gave Angie their word the project would be done quietly with no big public Angie kept every single card she received. Each envelope’s push. “These people didn't want to be the headline,” return address was removed and secured inside its Angie says. “Somehow I finally agreed. Everybody respective card. “I looked at them two weeks ago,” she thought that it was such a good thing, but to accept says. “It’s just crazy how many people sat down, wrote that was hard, very hard…it’s still hard.” in a card, and sent money to a complete stranger. I mean really, who does that? I have done it now, but Angie and the girls moved in December 2005, right had I done it up to that point? I hadn’t even thought before Christmas. It wasn’t just a house…“It’s full of of it! I looked at the words people wrote and saw how love; we are in a home built on love,” Angie explains. much support I had from everyone around me, even The home’s sidewalk is engraved with the words “because people I didn’t know. People didn’t do it because they of you.” It’s a reminder that it was because of Lance’s were just going through the motions. I could feel the service to our country that all of this happened. It’s also people in this community cared and were behind us.” a vivid reminder of the support from the community. I But now what? The sun continued to rise and set. The hope everyone who was involved knows how appreciative bills needed to be paid. The school bell rang each the girls and I are for this great gift,“ Angie explains.

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on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

courage to carry on Alli remembers the excitement of building their home and finally moving in. “Even at a young age I felt like I was a part in helping make our beautiful home come to life,” she says. “To this day the house represents all my dad sacrificed for us and that he continues to keep us safe.” the ally LaDonna Bannach remembers the excitement she felt when she discovered the house being built across the street was for a soldier’s widow and two small children. “With the military such a part of our family, we felt the need to volunteer time to help build this house,” LaDonna shares. “We hadn’t met Angie, but in our hearts the whole situation was so close to home.”

Angie was grateful to have neighbors like LaDonna and her husband Mike, a 26-year member of the National Guard. “Mike would always snow-blow my driveway and LaDonna just has a heart of gold,” Angie says. “They have two girls, too, and if I needed a couple hours they were so good about taking my girls.”

In 2008 Mike served a year deployment in Iraq “I can’t even express how great a friend Angie was during Mike’s deployment,” LaDonna says. “There were so many people who would reach out to me and say ‘if you need anything, just let me know.’ Being the independent, humble, and prideful person that I am, it was very hard for me to reach out and ask for help, as I never wanted to inconvenience others. That is where Angie went exceptionally above and beyond, in my eyes. Because she had lived the experience I was going through, she didn’t ask how she could help, she would just show up at my door with an extra pot of soup, a casserole, watch our girls, or offer words of wisdom and encouragement.

The year that Mike was gone was the toughest year of our lives. Being a working mom, owning a business, and having two young girls…it was beyond exhausting.

There were times that I felt like I was failing. Angie never let me fail. She was my mentor and with her many unexpected random acts of kindness…she was truly a hero in my eyes.” www.onthemindsofmoms.com

evolving “I didn't really cry in front of them a lot,” Angie says of her effort to control her emotions in front of her girls.

“For the first ten years I would say I functioned through life. Was it right or wrong? It was what I did, I guess I didn't know any different. I just kept on with my dayto-day activities, kept busy, kept the girls going, kept everything moving forward, but I've since realized that august • september twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms

55

courage to carry on wasn’t really the right way to deal with the loss I went and done nothing before. I couldn’t! I probably never through. I’ve learned I need to talk about my struggles, allowed that quiet time because it was easier not to shed a few tears and let my emotions show. People often feel, to brush it off.” wonder how long it takes before you feel okay moving Angie acknowledges that her girls have seen her cry forward. The timeframe is different for each person. more in the last two years than they ever had before.

Should I have moved forward sooner – maybe? But it “They have to know that's okay,” Angie says. “Everybody really is all in each person’s own time. This is what deals with grief differently. There is no right or wrong. worked for me at the time.”

There is no one cure-all book. And believe me, I've tried

About two years ago, Angie, albeit begrudgingly, attended a retreat for moms. It offered an opportunity to reflect on the past and set goals for the future. Everything was arranged, with Brooklynn staying with Shannon.

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

“We actually argued about it,” Shannon says with a laugh. Angie tried to talk her way out of going. “She tried getting me to go with her and I told her she needed to do this for herself. We seriously yelled at each other!”

Angie admits the weekend created a shift in her. “That's probably the first time I took time for myself,” she says.

Opening up at the retreat helped Angie realize she needed to put herself as a priority and loosen her grip on some things. “I like being in control, but obviously I lost control when all of this happened.” Angie confesses.

“I’ve learned I can ask for help. I can take time for myself.

My girls were first and they still will be first, but I have to function and live for me also.”

Angie has started working out again, something she says she has always enjoyed but hadn’t done for years. She has also started repurposing and painting furniture – a love she has had for some time. And she’s learned to just be still. “It’s funny, but I've never just sat 56

on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

to read every one and figure out what I should do! Now I’m simply open to my future.” her girls “I am really proud of my mom for being able to work through her grief and still be able to support my sister and me at such a difficult time,” Alli says. “Brooklyn and I were still able to attend all of our school activities, sporting events, birthday parties, et cetera, because of my mom's ability to be strong and supportive.”

Brooklynn agrees with her older sister. “When something bad happens, many people don’t want to live life to the fullest, but that isn’t my mom or my family. We share our story and live in the moment.”

With the difference in the girls’ ages, their experience with their dad is very different as well. “Alli and I have memories that we can talk and laugh about,” Angie explains. “But for Brooklynn, she doesn’t have first-hand memories of him. That’s hard.”

A friend suggested to Angie that she create a scrapbook of Lance memories for Brooklynn. Through social media Angie asked people to send her pictures, stories, and memories of Lance. The response was perfect and

courage to carry on Brooklynn received her scrapbook on her 13th birthday.

“She loved it,” Angie says. “It’s something no one else has regarding her dad. It’s just hers.”

says her mom’s determined. Michael says she’s a rock.

Alli admires her mom’s passion to volunteer. LaDonna says her friend is resilient. And Shannon…

still here “She's been my friend forever,” Shannon says with a soft Angie and the girls take comfort in knowing Lance is smile. “When I look back, the courage that she had to always with them. “His football number was 33 and have going through this is amazing. I've always known that is a number that is still with us daily,” Angie says. she could do anything she set out to do, but she has “We see the number 33 ALL THE TIME!” had such a strong desire to keep herself and her kids moving forward. She truly lives for her kids and is still “And butterflies,” Shannon adds. “Yes, when the girls see a friend and supports our community.” a butterfly they know it’s their dad,” Angie says. “When we are out at the cemetery, no matter the time of the And she’s strong…everyone can agree on that. Most year, a butterfly will appear. When one of us is having often people commend Angie for her strength. But a rough day chances are a butterfly or the number 33 what does being strong mean to Angie? She thinks for will surface. What are the chances of that?” a moment and with a slight smile confidently states, “I never gave up.”

Michael gave the eulogy at Lance’s funeral 12 years ago and he’s confident his words still stand. “I said, “I No she never gave up…Lance knew she could do it. know Lance is holding Angie’s hand and telling her, Proud mama of Seely and Shya, and wife to Van Halen super-fan Stu, ‘I’m so proud of you. You’re so strong. I’ll always love Sheri is also co-founder of OTMOM. She believes in UND green, Jesus, you,’” Michael recalls. “In my heart I believe he is with burnt marshmallows make the best s’mores, coffee…lots and lots of coffee, all the people who loved him every day.”

People use a lot of words to describe Angie. Brooklynn

she has the best mom and dad ever, and without a doubt EVERYONE has a story to share.

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

august • september twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms

57

ready, set, grow

story by | sheri kleinsasser stockmoe

Sleep…the five-letter word that has a different meaning for us than for our kids. For us mamas, a nap is luxurious, and getting to bed early, a miracle! For our kiddos, it can be in the same realm as torture and a major waste of time. Regardless of our differing views, we know what is best, and our kids need sleep.

So what is sleep? Simply, sleep is as important as food and air. There are two alternating states of sleep: • NREM [Non-Rapid Eye Movement] – sometimes called quiet sleep, during NREM blood supply increases to the muscles, tissue repair and growth occur, hormones impacting growth and development are released, and energy is restored.

• REM [Rapid Eye Movement] – called active sleep, during REM our brains are active and dreaming occurs. Our bodies become immobile and our breathing and heart rate is irregular.

So we know what it is, and that they need it. Here are some facts, tips, and general info on sleep for our kiddos as they grow.

shuteye for them all

ready, set, grow

parents typically lose 400-750 hours of sleep in their baby’s first year.

wee ones [0–18 months]

A

sleeping baby will bring out oooh’s and ahhh’s in the coldest of hearts. Initially, newborns will sleep around the clock and wake to be fed, changed, or just to get some nurturing. Most will sleep 10.5 to 20 hours a day. By six months of age, many [not all] will sleep through the night and take more structured naps. Naps can occur one to four times a day and range from 30 minutes to two hours each. By 18 months of age, your wee one will need about 12-14 hours of sleep a night and will probably take one nap lasting around 1-3 hours.

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all through the night Remember, your wee one’s ability [or inability] to sleep through the night isn’t a reflection of your parenting.

A wee one sleeping through the night at eight weeks

isn’t the offspring of superhero parents. Our wee ones are as unique as us crazy mamas. So relax. You can do your best to encourage a longer night’s sleep with the following: • get a schedule Our wee ones are creatures of habit.

As they get older, encourage activity during the day, and establish nap times. At night create a consistent routine that allows wee one to wind down. A happy wee one is one who knows what’s coming next.

• nuk, binky, passy, or whatever you call it A pacifier may help your wee one sooth herself. Also, using a pacifier at night is believed to reduce the risk of sudden infant death syndrome.

• wiggle, squirm, and twitch No need to run to the nursery with every squawk or grunt. Wee ones may fuss as they settle down. It’s okay to wait a few minutes to see what happens.

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on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

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ur tots are cuddly, sweet little munchkins, but they can also be a ticking tantrum-time bomb, which is only intensified by a lack of sleep. In a 24-hour period your tot will sleep approximately 12-14 hours. A nap may still be needed, but remember that nap time plays into the total hours of sleep needed for the day. the big bed There is no magic, ideal age to transition from the crib to a regular or toddler bed, but many make the move between the ages of 1½ and 3½. Two common reasons for making the switch are the impending arrival of a sibling, or the little monkey learns to climb out of the crib! Regardless of the reason, there are things you can do to make the transition as smooth as possible.

1. If a new baby is coming, make the switch at least six to eight weeks before you are due. You want your tot settled before he sees the baby taking over ‘his’ crib.

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2. Make it a big deal! Make the transition an exciting time. If you are buying a new bed, let your tot come with. You can also choose bedding featuring your tot’s favorite character. Encourage your tot to show visitors his ‘big-boy bed.’

3. If you transition right to a regular bed, consider installing bed rails. They can prevent falling out of bed and provide you peace of mind.

4. Keep the routine. Continue the bedtime routines in the same order as when your tot was sleeping in a crib. The more consistency you can create at bedtime, the less anxious your tot will be moving into a new bed.

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61

ready, set, grow

night terrors occur in three to six percent of kids and are typically more common in boys.

preschoolers [3–5 years]

The wee one’s cries transition into pleas of not going to sleep, and then, once all seems settled, there is the all-too-common small voice coming down the hall proclaiming, “I need a drink.” Your preschooler will sleep about 11–13 hours a day. While many preschoolers won’t nap because they are busy running, playing, and just plain exploring, it's a good idea to give them some quiet time [even if they don’t actually sleep]. scared or SCARED! Nightmares and Night Terrors can be scary for both you and your preschooler. So what’s the difference?

Night Terrors: • Happen during deep non-REM sleep.

• Typically occur about two or three hours after a child falls asleep.

• Child wakes suddenly and may sit upright in bed and yell or scream in distress.

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on the minds of moms | august • september twenty sixteen

• Child might sweat, thrash around, and act upset and scared.

• Child cannot be comforted and simply calms down and returns to sleep.

• Child won’t have memory of night terror.

Nightmares: • Occur during REM sleep.

• Happen in the later hours of sleep.

• Child awakes scared or upset.

• Child can be comforted.

• Child will be able to remember at least parts of nightmare.

Over-arousal of the central nervous system [CNS] during sleep, which can be a result of a maturing CNS, is the cause of night terrors. Not being able to comfort or sooth your child is the very frustrating part for parents, but the best way to handle a night terror is to be patient and wait for your child to settle down. Make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Remember that it should only last a few minutes, and your child will return to sleep. There's no treatment for night terrors, but you can help prevent them by reducing your kiddo's stress, establishing a consistent bedtime routine that's simple and relaxing, and making sure your kiddo gets enough rest and isn’t overtired.

blue light emitted by cell phone, computer, tablet, and television screens is believed to affect the production of melatonin, the hormone that controls our sleep/wake cycle.

ready, set, grow

big kids [6–9 years]

Days at school along with activities and homework after are all the more reason big kids need to get their sleep.

Approximately ten hours will do the trick. set the stage A proper sleep environment can help your big kid get the quality sleep she needs. Here are things to consider: • noise Children are generally insensitive to extreme noise levels, but you and dad talking or the TV on can interfere with your big kid falling asleep. Be sensitive to the amount of noise you are creating.

• temperature Most sleep scientists believe a slightly cool room provides the best sleeping environment. This is because naturally our body’s internal temperature drops to its lowest level while we sleep. Keep this in

mind when choosing PJs and bedding for your big kid. The room should be at a temperature that you are comfortable in when lightly clothed.

• light Sleep patterns are regulated by light and darkness. We are sleepy when it’s dark and awake when it is light. Make sure your big kid’s room is sensitive to this. Another important thing to remember is keeping light exposure to a minimum when your big kid wakes up in the middle of the night. So get yourself a nightlight!

• technology Keep the TV and computers out of the bedroom. Both can over stimulate your big kid and make falling asleep difficult.

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ready, set, grow

1.5 million children in the US receive medication for ADHD.

tweeners [10–12 years]

T

hose tweeners…still our kiddos, but rushing to grow-up. Truth is our tweeners should be getting around nine hours of sleep a night. For real! tweener tips Sleep problems and disorders are all too common for tweeners. Poor or inadequate sleep can contribute to behavioral problems such as hyperactivity and cognitive problems, which can affect the ability to learn in school. Here are three ways to help your tweener get the sleep he needs: 1. Just like the previous stages, continue to emphasize a consistent bedtime routine and sleep schedule.

2. No TV or computers in the bedroom.

3. Cut out the soda or other caffeinated beverages.

good to know Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder [ADHD] is a common condition that begins in childhood and may persist into adulthood. Kids with ADHD typically have trouble sitting still, staying focused, and/or controlling their behavior and emotions. Studies have found that ADHD is linked with a variety of sleep problems such as a higher rate of daytime sleepiness and signs of sleep-disordered breathing. Restless-leg syndrome and periodic-leg-movement syndrome were also common.

Treating sleep problems may improve ADHD symptoms and quality of life.

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sleep deprivation can lead to decreased attentiveness, decreased short-term memory, inconsistent performance and delayed response time.

ready, set, grow

teens [13–18years]

S

chool, dances, and zits are major components of teen life. Eight to 9.5 hours of sleep is recommended for our teens, but one study found that only 15% reported getting 8.5 hours of sleep on a school night. Throw in irregular sleep patterns throughout the week and our teens can experience sleep deprivation, which can be very dangerous. can’t argue biology Having trouble getting your teen out of bed in the morning? You’re not alone, and it may be attributed to your teen’s biology. Naturally we experience different levels of sleepiness throughout the day. Our need to sleep is controlled by two body systems called sleep/ wake homeostasis and the circadian biological clock.

Sleep/wake homeostasis creates a drive to balance sleep and wakefulness. Our circadian biological clock regulates the timing of our sleepiness and wakefulness throughout the day. Circadian rhythm dips result in

being sleepier, but this sleepiness will be less intense if we have had sufficient sleep.

Teens experience a shift in the circadian rhythm. This causes them to naturally feel awake later at night and makes falling asleep before 11 p.m. difficult. Teens experience the strongest circadian rhythm dips between 3 a.m. to 7 a.m. and 2 p.m. to 5 p.m., but throw in not getting enough sleep to begin with, and the morning dip can last until 10am. So biology can be a factor in your teen not being a morning person!

Sources: www.theparentreport.com | www.kidshealth.org | www.sleepfoundation.org www.babycenter.com | www.sleep.org

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