Surviving awkward family get-togethers this holiday season

Advice on how to navigate difficult conversations and protect your mental health

JESSIE DAVIS

You’re headed home for the holidays and ready to enjoy some well-deserved time off from school. Yet this time to relax and decompress can be filled with all kinds of unwanted stressors.

A study from the National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) states that 64 per cent of people with mental illness report that their condition is worse during the holiday season. Financial stress, keeping up with holiday events, cooking, cleaning and entertaining are all factors that contribute to anxiety and depression during the holiday season.

This is especially true this year, in the midst of a pandemic, where you may find yourself in uncomfortable situations and conversations at family events. Last year, the holiday season was celebrated remotely through video chats and phone calls because of COVID-19 restrictions. Now that most people are vaccinated and many restrictions are lifted, many families are gathering together this year. However, not seeing family for an extended amount of time could make things awkward and uncomfortable this holiday. Vaccines, social justice issues, your and your loved ones’ health throughout a pandemic, and your plans for the future are all conversation topics that could come up this holiday season.

How can you maneuver through uncomfortable conversations? Here are some tips to help you survive the holidays and prioritize your mental health.

SETTING BOUNDARIES

Establishing boundaries with your family can help you to avoid topics that could cause awkwardness.

Setting healthy boundaries is a form of self-care. According to an article from PositivePsychology.com, there are numerous mental health benefits to setting boundaries. For one, they aid you in defining your individuality and establishing a space where you end and another person begins. Determining healthy boundaries will encourage you to focus on the things you can control and determine what you are responsible for in your relationship. Additionally, setting boundaries helps avoid anger, resentment, and burnout in relationships, according to psychologist Dana Nelson.

In order to set boundaries, you first need to know where you stand on certain issues. This means that you may need to do some self-reflection work regarding your personal stances. Be honest with yourself and your family about your boundaries.

Once you have decided on the boundaries you need, talk to your family. Use “I” statements to express your feelings clearly. Using “I” statements means taking ownership for your feelings rather than using a “you” statement and blaming another person for the way you feel.

Here is an example of setting a boundary: “I am feeling uncomfortable about gathering with our family in a large group during this time. I will not be engaging in any embraces or physical contact with the family because of this.”

EXPRESSING YOUR OPINION RESPECTFULLY

Just because you and your family may disagree about certain topics doesn’t mean that you should avoid the conversation altogether! There are ways to express your opinion respectfully and without offending anyone. In an interview with CBC News, psychologist Melissa Hoskins discusses how to have tough conversations about vaccines with family. She recommends using the DEARMAN acronym as a tool to get you through difficult conversations.

• D – Describe the situation. Be neutral and factual in your description.

• E – Express your feelings using “I” statements to demonstrate accountability for your emotions.

• A – Assert Yourself. Be clear in the ways you need support and what your needs are.

• R – Reinforce your requests.

• M – Mindfulness. Be aware and present in the moment.

• A – Appear confident. Don’t be afraid to ask for support in meeting your needs. Your feelings are valid!

• N – Negotiate. Listen to your family and be open to what they have to say. Keeping an open mind can help you and your family to compromise and find a solution that makes everyone happy. This doesn’t mean giving up your boundaries or needs, it means finding a way to work with your boundaries and needs.

OFFER A NEW TOPIC

If there’s one thing that I have learned from being a part of a big family, it is that sometimes you can’t win. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is agree to disagree, even if that means the person you are disagreeing with doesn’t understand your side.

Dealing with family members who are not open to understanding your feelings and opinions can be very frustrating.

Taking the time to evaluate if the argument is worth the emotional distress that comes along with it can help protect your mental health. You have the right to say no to talking about certain topics. Instead of jumping into a hopeless argument or an awkward conversation, try changing the topic to something less divisive.

Changing the topic can be a great way to learn about your family and engage in more meaningful conversations. Here are some alternate conversation topics that you can bring up:

• Reminisce. What are your favourite memories with your family? What is your favourite holiday memory?

• Talk about the upcoming New Year. What is the most exciting thing that happened to you this year? What are you most proud of? What are your goals for next year?

• Start a conversation about food. Have you cooked any new recipes? Have you tried a new restaurant or kind of food recently? What was your favourite dish at the family get-together?

• What are you watching? If there is one thing that this pandemic has been good for, it is binge-watching all of the greatest new shows. Ask your family if they have seen anything good or give a recommendation about a show you are watching.

DON’T FORGET TO KEEP UP WITH SELF-CARE

The holidays are a busy time and it can be easy to forget to make time to care for yourself amidst the holiday events, shopping, cooking, and cleaning, but this is when it is most important to engage in self-care. Taking time to relax, do things you love, get enough sleep, and eat well will help increase your happiness and help you to cope with the stressors that come with this busy time of year. Spending time on self-care will also give you time to acknowledge your feelings so that you can set healthy boundaries and be in a good headspace before attending family get-togethers.

The holidays and family get-togethers don’t have to be something that you dread and they certainly do not need to be awkward. Be realistic and remember that things don’t have to go perfectly. I hope everyone has a safe and cheerful holiday season!

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