BEAUTY

Most Bizarre Beauty Treatments Ever

Get the look with gravy stockings, mummy powder and mice fur eyebrows.

By Shilo Urban

Illustrations by Amber Bailey

We’ve all suffered in the name of beauty, from puffy bangs

in the ’80s to pencil-thin brows in the ’90s (and we won’t mention that dark purple lipstick). But why do we pluck, paint, wax, inject and microblade — and often pay big bucks to do so? Because beauty is power. We know it, just as women throughout history have known it. But in the absence of L’Oréal and laser hair removal, our predecessors had to be a little more creative.

Radiant Skin

No matter which era you live in, beauty begins with a good skin care routine. Egypt’s Queen Cleopatra, a renowned beauty, achieved a youthful glow by rubbing donkey milk and crocodile dung all over her face. Women of the Roman Empire bought vials of sweat and dirt scraped off the skin of gladiators, a luxurious face cream that only the wealthiest could afford. In Renaissance France, King Henry II’s wife preferred pigeon poop to get that “dewy” look, while his mistress drank dissolved gold (and then died from it). Ladies coveted a pale and pasty complexion, which flaunted the fact that you didn’t have to work

Beauty is power. We know it, just as women throughout history have known it. But in the absence of L’Oréal and laser hair removal, our predecessors had to be a little more creative.

in the sun. To give yourself an alluring deathly pallor, you could try a mercury facial, let leeches suck your blood, or drink a mixture of ale and lice every morning. Whatever you do: Don’t bathe. It opens your pores to the plague and is to be avoided at all costs.

Got acne? Swallow a pint of milk and seawater, a panacea in 18th century Europe. Bad bruise? A balm of powdered mummy will cure what ails you. The 1900s brought a new antiaging therapy: radioactive chemicals, which would indeed stop the aging process by killing you prematurely. By World War II, suntanned skin was in. But supply shortages stopped British women from getting the nylon stockings they desperately desired. So they painted fake nylons on their legs with gravy, drawing “seams” down the back with eyeliner. It worked surprisingly well — so long as there weren’t any dogs around. A Beautiful Smile

Taking care of those pearly whites is essential. Unless you’re in Japan during the Samurai era when sexy black teeth were all the rage. Women dyed their smiles with iron filings and tea. Dark choppers were also a status symbol in the reign of England’s Queen Elizabeth, because only the richest people could buy enough sugary treats to rot their teeth. Yum! If they fell out (as Elizabeth’s did), you could buy false teeth made of wood, porcelain or hippopotamus tusks. George Washington’s dentures included donkey and horse teeth. Want the real thing? Just wait for a war. Teeth pulled from the mouths of battlefield casualties were in demand for centuries.

But of course, the best way to get a beautiful smile is to take care of your teeth to begin with — by chewing on a live mouse, like the Ancient Egyptians. Vegetarians might rather try the Romans’ favorite mouthwash, Portuguese pee. Supposedly stronger than your own homebrew, it doubled as laundry detergent — and was so popular that Emperor Nero taxed it! During the American Revolution, King George’s subjects cleaned their teeth with sulphuric acid (which stripped the enamel completely), while Patriot Paul Revere offered his own toothpaste recipe: butter, sugar, breadcrumbs — and gunpowder, for that bombshell smile.

Just a Touch of Makeup

Play up your features with natural cosmetics that make your eyes pop (and possibly stop working). Women throughout history have relied on soot for eye makeup and clay for blush, two options that are dirt-cheap (and just plain dirty). Ladies of the Renaissance used deadly belladonna to dilate their pupils for that seductive, doe-eyed look — along with immediate blurred vision and eventual blindness. Victorians accomplished the same effect by squirting lemon juice directly into their eyes. Lead-based kohl was the highly toxic eyeliner of choice for the ever-resourceful Egyptians, who also reddened their lips with smashed-up beetles.

Over in Ancient Greece, a unibrow was the ultimate symbol of intelligence and purity. You could sketch one with pigments or apply goat hair for a more realistic effect. Greek women attained flawless complexions with white lead, a poisonous cosmetic beloved well into the 19th century. And forget concealer to cover up that acne scar: Georgians hid their blemishes (and syphilis lesions) under small patches of black velvet, often shaped like moons or stars. Can’t afford fabric? A bit of mouse skin will do nicely, and its fur is perfect for your fake eyebrows. Accentuate the veins on your chest with blue paint, and you’re ready to go. When it’s time to take it all off at the end of the day, try the makeup remover favored by Japanese geishas: nightingale droppings.

Lustrous Locks

A full, healthy head of hair has long been a beauty standard — and in Ancient Arabia, camel urine was the go-to shampoo (shampee?) for shiny locks. Incans preferred their own wee-wee for hair washing; after a week of fermentation, it boasts impressive antiseptic properties for alleviating dandruff. Egyptians glossed their mane by wearing wax cones on their heads, which slowly melted under the desert sun. Bored with your mane’s natural color? Lighten it with crushed limestone (Celts), arsenic (Victorians) or TNT (munitions factory workers during World War II).

For Medieval Europeans, hair played secondfiddle to a high, wide forehead — the sexiest feature a lady could have. Women made their foreheads appear larger by removing their eyebrows and hair along their hairlines (if it hadn’t already fallen out from all that toxic lead makeup). By the mid-1700s, all social classes and genders were wearing wigs, which were much easier to delouse than your own hair. The most elaborate wigs had a wood and wire frame stuffed with wool, straw or cotton. Highly combustible beef lard held your hairdo in place for weeks — but it also attracted insects and rodents, necessitating bedside mousetraps. Vermin not your thing? Opt for the traditional wedding hairstyle for Ancient Spartan women: a shaved head.

Beauty standards change, but those pics of you with ’80s bangs are forever. Use your perception of what’s beautiful to free yourself, not trap yourself. And cut yourself a little slack — after all, at least you’re not smearing feces on your face.