Death Over [Virtual Shabbat] Dinner

Death Over [Virtual Shabbat] Dinner The way we die is the most important conversation Americans are not having.

We believe that talking about death not only better prepares us to approach life’s most challenging moments, but also helps us articulate and affirm who we are and what we ultimately care about.

O N E T A B L E . O R G

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D E A T H O V E R D I N N E R . O R G

WELCOME Why talk about death over Shabbat dinner? In

Judaism,

talking about death is welcome. Death is neither macabre nor morbid, it is simply the natural end to a natural process. By the medieval period, Jewish theologians had sketched an approximation to heaven called olam ha’ba, or “the World to Come,” a messianic age without pain, suffering, poverty, or strife. Shabbat became the experiential link, a version of the world to come in this world, one day of peace, of gathering, of joy without distraction or work. In other words, Shabbat is a weekly taste of heaven. The Shabbat dinner table is therefore an ideal place for conversations about death, an invitation to use the end of the creation cycle and the end of the week as a setting to embrace the end of life.

Why now?

The COVID-19 pandemic has upended all of our

lives. Gatherings are disrupted. Conversations six feet apart or virtual. Rituals are largely confined to the home. It feels like death is happening all around us but we can’t mourn together, we can’t sit shivah, we can’t attend funerals. Hundreds of thousands of Americans have died, many alone in isolation, surrounded by masked faces, in hospitals on ventilators.

More than ever, the ways we can connect matter.

Elevating the Shabbat dinner table matters, both as a place to have difficult discussions and as a time to foster a feeling of connectedness. We have designed a toolkit that helps navigate the Death Over [Shabbat] Dinner conversation virtually because all of us, Jewish or not, can benefit from digging deeper into the wealth of Jewish knowledge around death and dying. It is our hope that these resources and this experience helps you process and share your experiences of loss as we live through this crisis together.

Most people don’t talk about death openly, whether they are experiencing death in the family, the loss of a favorite pet, or are grappling with a pandemic. We hope this guide helps you welcome the conversation.

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WHAT’S INSIDE The three Shabbat rituals of lighting candles, sanctifying time with wine and blessing the bread provide key moments to mindfully set-up the Death Over [Shabbat] Dinner conversation. Ritual, especially ritual at the Shabbat dinner table, should feel modifiable; as the host of your own Death over Shabbat Dinner, we invite you to personalize your experience and only do what feels right.

In this guide, you’ll find everything you need to host Shabbat your way.

I. HOW IT WORKS: Planning your Death Over [Shabbat] Dinner and inviting others II. ELEVATING SHABBAT: Blessings, ritual and conversation inspiration III. ADDITIONAL RESOURCES: Tips for setting up a successful virtual gathering

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I. HOW IT WORKS Post your own Death Over [Shabbat] Dinner as an approved OneTable Host. Write a description that gives your guests a sense of what to expect — share your intentions for the dinner so that they feel prepared to join the conversation. Once your dinner is posted, you send out your invitations and we’ll pop into your inbox with a deck of cards specially crafted to help you facilitate the conversation at your dinner table.

All dinners with ‘Death Over [Shabbat] Dinner’ in the title will be eligible to receive the deck by email, so just reach out to partners@rebooters.net to get access to the deck, or with any questions.

1. Organize Your Dinner Apply to host with OneTable. Write a description that gives your guests a sense of what to expect. Share your intentions for the dinner so that they feel prepared to join the conversation. Once your dinner is posted, you send out your invitations and: Groups of 6-8 people make for the most meaningful conversation; if you are hosting a larger gathering, split people into smaller groups using breakout rooms.

Invite guests in advance to display a memorial candle, tealight, or stone in view. It might also be meaningful to have flowers or the name of a loved one in the background.

We can still share food, even virtually. Consider inviting your guests to prepare or order similar foods.

2. Support Your Guests Before Dinner In an email before the dinner: Share the full guide (or the questions and conversation guidelines) to help frame the experience.

Set realistic expectations around the time commitment — some folks may need to leave after 90 minutes while others may want to continue the conversation.

Confirm Zoom link (and password if applicable).

Share any supplemental materials you want to use.

3. Best Practices During Dinner As dinner begins: Share norms around expectations regarding confidentiality.

Consider an invitation to be fully present, to turn off phones and other technology.

Set expectations for everyone to be on video — it enhances the virtual gathering experience and allows for a more intimate connection — while naming that due to the nature of the conversation folks might want to turn off their video or step out at different points, and are welcome to do so.

As the meal progresses: Be sure to share any questions asked in the chat — a lot of people need to read something to fully internalize it. You can also use the chat to invite guests to share, creating a parallel space for conversation.

Encourage guests to speak in the first person, using “I” language from personal experience, and model this yourself.

Practice and model active listening. Do your best to tune in while others are speaking rather than thinking about what you plan to say next. Everyone brings their own wisdom and life experience to the table; we need everyone’s wisdom to move towards a hidden wholeness that is greater than the sum of its parts.

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II. ELEVATING SHABBAT Ritual is here to set the stage for conversation, to use ancient words and reflections to inspire your own words and reflections. Feel free to make these rituals your own and tailor the experience to the needs and comfort level of your guests.

Light Begin with a reflection on the preciousness of life and the ritual of candle lighting to mark mourning. Friday night provides the space for setting intention before the start of the meal. In Jewish tradition, lighting candles at sundown on Friday is the last act of the workweek, the literal spark that carries us into the weekend.

Bless

.‫שבָּת‬ ַ ׁ ‫בָּרוּך ְ ַא ּתָה יְי ָ אֱלֹהֵינו ּ ֶמל ֶך ְ הָעוֹל ָם א ֲׁשֶר ִק ְד ּ ׁשָנו ּ בְ ּ ִמצְוֹתָיו וְצִו ָּנו ּ ל ְ ַה ְדל ִיק נ ֵר ׁשֶל‬

Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha’olam asher kidshanu b’mitzvotav vitzivanu l’hadlik ner shel Shabbat.

Blessed is the Oneness that makes us holy through commandments and commands us to kindle the light of Shabbat.

Meditate With the candles lit, we invite you to take a moment to close your eyes or find a soft gaze in front of you. The Jewish mystical texts of Kabbalah teach us that one way to feel closer to the Divine is to transcend our lived experience and enter into the world that is beyond our bodies, beyond material things--the world of the spirit, or the afterlife. Consider what that spirit world might feel like; what does your body feel like right now as you contemplate the spirit realm? Together, in stillness and silence, we invite in these new perspectives on life and death.

Shehecheyanu In honor of the occasion, consider adding the Shehecheyanu to your candle lighting. This blessing is said upon doing something for the first time or for the first time in a long time.

.‫ש ֶהחֱי ָנו ּ וְקִי ְ ּמָנו ּ וְהִג ִּיעָנו ּ ל ִז ְ ּמַן הַז ֶּה‬ ֶ ׁ ‫בָּרוּך ְ ַא ּתָה יְי ָ אֱלֹהֵינו ּ ֶמל ֶך ְ הָעוֹל ָם‬ Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha’olam shehecheyanu v’kiyamanu v’higianu laz’man hazeh.

Blessed is the Oneness that inspires the universe, sustains us, raises us up, and enables us to reach this season.

Shehecheyanu Video in American Sign Language

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Wine During the week ... we lose some of the light in our eyes; it is restored to us by the reflection of light in our Kiddush cup. — Talmud Bavli, Shabbat 113b

A glass of wine (or grape juice, or any other special beverage) is an opportunity to make a toast, a perfect way to highlight a memory or person as you begin. In Hebrew a toast is accompanied by the word l’chaim, to life.

Kiddush is a way of celebrating life even as you reflect on death. The boundary between life and death is so finite. Let us mark the past and the future coming together in this moment for Kiddush. Kiddush is meant to help us be present with all the stories and experiences you carry. Let us use this moment to recognize the ending of one thing and the beginning of another.

Bless

‫בָּרו ּך ְ ַא ּתָה י ְי ָ אֱל ֹהֵינו ּ ֶמ ל ֶך ְ הָע ו ֹל ָם ב ּו ֹ ֵר א‬ .‫ַש בָּת‬ ַ ׁ ‫ בָּרו ּך ְ ַא ּתָה י ְי ָ ְמ ַק ֵד ּ ׁש ה‬.‫ּפ ְ ִר י הַג ָ ּפ ֶן‬

Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha’olam borei p’ri ha’gafen. Baruch Atah Adonai m’kadesh ha’Shabbat.

Blessed is the Oneness that creates the fruit of the vine. Blessed is the Oneness that sanctifies Shabbat.

Share We can honor those that are not with us and acknowledge our finite time with others by sharing a memory such as a story or a thought from your mediation over a special drink. Notice your thoughts and feelings in this present moment with the awareness Kiddush asks of us. Who are you thinking about (can be yourself) and what would you feel comfortable to share?

Bread The possibility and the abundance of Shabbat comes with the responsibility to work to make a better world the other six days of the week. Consider for a moment the process of work that has to happen in order for bread to arrive at our table. Some practice a tradition of hafrashat challah on Friday where you break off an olive sized piece of the challah bread and burn it to symbolize the bread offering set aside for Temple workers in ancient times.

Reflect Before we dig into the bread, let us reflect on who we have lost and how loss and sacrifice are a part of our present and our future.

Bless

.‫בָּרוּך ְ ַא ּתָה יְי ָ אֱלֹהֵינו ּ ֶמל ֶך ְ הָעוֹל ָם ַה ּמוֹצִיא לֶחֶם מִן ָה ָא ֶרץ‬

Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha’olam ha’motzi lechem min ha’aretz.

We are blessed with compassion by the Oneness that sustains us with bread.

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Reconciliation Gratitude at the end of the meal

Many faiths and cultures have a grace before meals, not quite as many have a grace after meals. The blessing after the meal, or Birkat ha’Mazon in Hebrew, like all Shabbat dinner rituals, evolved over time and comes from a verse in the Torah: “When you have eaten and are satisfied, bless.”

The ritual of grace after meals isn’t about expressing gratitude for food itself, but for food and a full feeling. All you need is the intention to end your Death Over [Shabbat] Dinner with gratitude and a feeling of fullness and satisfaction from the meal and important conversation you are stepping away from.

Time with those of a different age is explicitly precious and finite. The Brich Rachamana is a one-liner alternative to the more well known Birkat ha’Mazon prayer. It is accepted as the minimum when strapped for time, coined by a shepherd. As you take the time to read the Aramaic, experience the fullness from limited time with others. Let us hold these two truths and reconcile that we are grateful for having enough and that we won’t be here forever. The time with which to feel full is finite.

Bless

.‫בְ ּ ִריך ְ ָרחֲ ַמנ ָא ַמלְכ ָא ְדעַלְמָא ַמ ֵריה ְדהַאי פ ִיתָא‬

Brich rachamana malka d’alma marei d’hai pita.

We are blessed with compassion by the Oneness that sustains us with bread.

Listen

Shabbat dinner doesn’t end when the food runs out. Shabbat dinner doesn’t even end with grace, or a moment of gratitude after the meal. Shabbat dinner ends when you walk your guests to the door (or in times of social distancing, perhaps it’s the act of making a heart with your hands at a screen before signing off). It’s a last act of ritual hospitality and one that makes hosting on Shabbat so deeply rooted in Jewish practice.

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Need Some Guidance?

Email partners@rebooters.net to access a Shabbat Conversation Deck (different themes are available such as: LGBTQI+, Interfaith, Vegan)

Using the Cards

1. Know what to expect. Review the Conversation Deck before your dinner. Select the cards that resonate the most with you and the kind of discussions you’d like to create.

2. Start with the “Create Space” card and end with the “Gratitude” card, and feel free to switch up the order for the rest. We suggest choosing 2-4 prompts in between those.

3. Each card has a theme and context on one side and questions to help prompt a meaningful conversation on the other.

4. Take turns. Cards can either be shared with the “share screen” function on Zoom or the prompts can be pasted into the chat window.

Each participant can take turns reading. You can answer in the same order for each card, use the hand raise function on Zoom or just unmute when you want to speak.

5. Have someone at the table read the text on the first side aloud.

Then pick some questions on the reverse to discuss.

6. Consider framing certain prompts with parameters that might add depth or levity, depending on the question. For example, “answer this question in one word,” or “what was the first response that came to your mind?”

7. Following your last “Gratitude” card, close out the meal with an iteration of Jewish ritual: grace after the meal.

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III. ADDITIONAL RESOURCES Gathering Virtually on Zoom Whether you are a veteran Zoom user or still a little uncomfortable with being on video, here are some guidelines on how to set up a successful digital Death Over Dinner: Jewish Edition experience. Please note: you are welcome to use whatever digital platform best suits your needs. We have found Zoom to be the most conducive to these types of digital gatherings.

1.

Use a Premium Zoom Account. The free version of Zoom limits meetings

to 40 minutes. Don’t have a premium Zoom account? Contact zoom@Rebooters.net and we will help set you up.

2.

Schedule in Advance. It is best to schedule your meeting ahead of time

to avoid last minute confusion. Once you have decided on a date and time with your guests, set up the meeting time and send them all the link to the meeting so that they are ready to join at the scheduled time.

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Make the Most of Zoom’s Features. Put your Zoom window in full screen

— connecting online has many added challenges and the potential for distractions. Use the chat to share the discussion questions, paste a poem, invite feedback. This helps keep everyone feeling engaged and like they have a role in the discussion.

Death Over Dinner: Jewish Edition is a project of Reboot in collaboration with Michael Hebb, Founder of Death Over Dinner and IKAR. We’d love to hear what you think, how you’re using these tools and where else you’d like to take them. Be in touch! Shabbat Shalom.

Cheers,

Dani Kohanzadeh | OneTable LA Field Manager| dani@onetable.org Nir Levy | OneTable Atlanta Field Manager | nir@onetable.org Maya Katz-Ali | OneTable Bay Area Field Manager | maya@onetable.org Madelyne Heyman | Reboot LA Program Coordinator | madelyne@rebooters.net

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