History

MODERN COCKTAILS MIXED WITH AMERICA’S MUSIC

3825 N. 30TH ST., OMAHA, NE

@JOHNNYTSBARANDBLUES

Omaha DINING GUIDE

LA MESA - $$ 158th St. and W. Maple Rd. - 402.557.6130 156th and Q streets - 402.763.2555 110th St. and W. Maple Rd. - 402.496.1101 Fort Crook Rd. and Hwy 370 - 402.733.8754 84th St. and Tara Plaza - 402.593.0983 Lake Manawa Exit - 712.256.2762

Enjoy awesome enchiladas, fabulous fajitas, seafood specialties, mouthwatering margaritas, and more at La Mesa. Come see why La Mesa has been voted Omaha’s No. 1 Mexican restaurant 18 years in a row. Sunday-Thursday 11 a.m.-9 p.m., Friday and Saturday 11 a.m.-10 p.m. —lamesaomaha.com

ROMEO’S MEXICAN FOOD AND PIZZA - $ 90th and Blondo streets - 402.391.8870 146th St. and W. Center Rd. - 402.330.4160 96th and L streets - 402.331.5656 Galvin and Avery roads - 402.292.2028 29th and Farnam steets - 402.346.1110

Romeo’s is your friendly, family Mexican food and pizza restaurant. We take real pride in serving our guests generous portions of the freshest, most flavorful dishes made with the finest ingredients available. Zesty seasonings and the freshest ingredients combine to ensure the ultimate in flavor. Our savory taco meat is prepared every morning at each location. Make sure to try our chimichangas; they’re the best in town. —romeosomaha.com

SPECIAL DINING

CRESCENT MOON ALE HOUSE - $ 3578 Farnam St. - 402.345.1708

Founded in 1996, we’ve grown into Beer Corner USA with the additions of The Huber Haus German Beer Hall, Max and Joe’s Belgian Beer Tavern, and Beertopia—Omaha’s Ultimate Beer Store. With more than 60 beers on tap and Omaha’s best Reuben sandwich, we are a Midtown beerlover’s destination. Hours: MondaySaturday 11 a.m.-2 a.m. Kitchen hours: Monday-Wednesday 11 a.m.-1 p.m., Thursday-Saturday 11 a.m.-midnight. Closed Sunday. —beercornerusa.com

RATHSKELLER BIER HAUS-$$ 4524 Farnam Street - 402.991.7724

Rathskeller Bier Haus celebrates daily with German beer, wurst and many other menu items. Within arm’s reach of the Blackstone District and historic Dundee. Rathskeller Bier Haus is our German castle and designed to bring the storied traditions of Bavaria to the beating heart of Omaha’s metro area. Come enjoy our large outdoor beer garden and four legged friends are welcome. Prost! Open daily 11 a.m.-Late. —rathskelleromaha.com

JAMSOLDMARKET•1101HarneySt•HappyHourM-F3pm-6pm

JAMSMIDTOWN•7814WestDodgeRoad•SundayBrunch10am-2pm

JAMSLEGACY•17070WrightPlaza•PartyRooms&Patios•jamseats.com

WEDDINGS • PARTIES • EVENTS

BOOK2022 EVENTS NOW!

402-342-7827

• WEDDINGS • PARTIES • EVENTS • REUNIONS • MEETINGS

151FREEDOMPARKROAD•OMAHA www.rivercitystar.com

Take Out & Delivery Available

Online Ordering Available at Bellevue & Millard Locations

Please Check Website for Hours of Operation

Sports Bar

402.339.1944 402.505.6660 402.932.1944

varsityromancoinpizza.com

Hamburger

thanks to our customers for voting us the BEST BURGER IN OMAHA

2022 First Place “Serving World Famous Hamburgers Since 1936” 106 GALVIN RD., BELLEVUE, NE • 402-291-6088 • OPEN MONDAY - SATURDAY, 11 AM - 9 PM

Omaha DINING GUIDE

GREEK ISLANDS - $ 3821 Center St. - 402.346.1528

Greek cuisine with specials every day at reasonable prices. We are well-known for our gyro sandwiches and salads. We cater and can accommodate a party for 65 guests. Carry-out and delivery available. Monday-Thursday 11 a.m.-9 p.m., Friday-Saturday 11 a.m.-10 p.m., Sunday 11 a.m.- 7 p.m. —greekislandsomaha.com

STEAKHOUSES

CASCIO’S - $$ 1620 S. 10th St. - 402-345-8313

Cascio’s is Omaha’s No. 1 steakhouse. We have been serving Omaha for 69 years. We feature steaks, chops, seafood, and Italian specialties. We have seven private party rooms, seating for up to 400 people, and plenty of parking. —casciossteakhouse.com

THE DROVER RESTAURANT & LOUNGE - $$$ 2121 S. 73rd St. - 402-391-7440

Famous for the original Whiskey Steak. Truly a one-of-a-kind Midwestern experience. Excellent food, wine, service, and value. Rare...and very well done. Lunch Monday-Friday 11 a.m.-2 p.m., cocktail hour 3-6 p.m., dinner nightly 5 p.m. —droverrestaurant.com

DINING GUIDE LEGEND $=$1-10 • $$=$10-20 • $$$=$20-30 • $$$$=$30+

Greek Dining

2022 First Place

Family Owned Since 1983 CATERING / PARTY ROOM AVAILABLE HOMEMADE, FRESH FOOD, ALWAYS. 3821 Center St. / 402.346.1528 GreekIslandsOmaha.com

NEBRASKA

VERITAS Nov. 5 at Merryman Performing Arts Center, Kearney. Vocal quintet Veritas brings a dynamic twist to everything they sing. Their repertoire includes Broadway, pop hits, original settings of classical favorites, patriotic standards, and classic hymns. 308.698.8297. — kearneyconcerts.org CHRISTMAS AT THE MANSION Nov. 17-Dec. 22 at Lied Lodge and Conference Center, Nebraska City. The historic 52-room mansion features vintage-inspired decorations and holiday-themed displays. 402.873.7222. —liedlodge.org

HOLIDAY CABARET. Dec. 3-5 at James Arthur Vineyards. The vineyards presents a funfilled evening of Christmas songs and holiday Broadway hits. Admission price includes one glass of wine. 402.783.5255. —jamesarthurvineyards.com

Nov. 11

BLUE OYSTER CULT Nov. 20 at The Royal Grove, Lincoln. This group has been performing for over 50 years. They are best known for their singles VETERANS DAY Nov. 11 at the Strategic Air “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper,” Command & Aerospace Museum, Ashland. “Burnin For You,” and “Godzilla.” Each year, the museum honors They have sold 25 million America’s military veterans with records worldwide, and released a special program on Veteran’s their latest in October 2020. Day. This event features posting of —theroyalgrove.com the colors, a keynote speaker, and of course the National Anthem. Veterans are encouraged to attend in uniform. RSVP is requested. 402.944.3100. — SACMuseum.org CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS FESTIVAL Nov. 26 to Dec. 12 throughout Minden. The annual Light of the World Christmas Pageant will take place on the weekends, with a full week of activities, from a carnival for children to BEETHOVEN & BEYOND Nov. 14 at Brownville a scavenger hunt, escape room, concerts, Concert Hall, Brownville. Cellist Jennifer free movies, and more. 308.832.1811. Kloetzel has performed throughout —mindenne.org the U.S., Europe, and Asia. She is a founding member of the Cypress String Quartet. Pianist Robert Koenig is a much sought-after collaborative pianist and chamber musician. 402.825.3331. —brownvilleconcertseries.com MASTERS OF SOUL Nov. 28 at Merryman Performing Arts Center, Kearney. This group is a wonderful tribute to Motown, performing all the greatest hits while dressing the part and sharing their electric showmanship. 308.627.2717. GATEWAY FARM EXPO Nov. 17-18 at Buffalo —kearneyconcerts.org County Fairgrounds, Kearney. Guests will see the latest agriculture technology and services at this annual expo. Attendees will see hundreds of exhibits at this longest-running farm show in Nebraska drawing thousands of visitors each year. 308.234.2717. —gatewayfarmexpo.org HOLIDAY TROLLEY TOUR OF LIGHTS TBD at Lied Lodge, Nebraska City. The Arbor Day Farm trolley will take visitors on a tour of historic Nebraska City to view the best Christmas lights. A classic Christmas book is read during the ride. 402.873.8733. —liedlodge.org

VICTORIAN CHRISTMAS ON MAIN STREET

Dec. 4 in downtown Plattsmouth. Guests can listen to seasonal music, tour the Cass County Historical Musuem, take hayrack rides, meet Father

Christmas, and more. The official Tree

Lighting takes place at 6:30 p.m. at the

Cass County Museum. 402.296.5544. —visitcasscounty.com HIGH PLAINS CHRISTMAS Dec. 4 at Legacy of the Plains Museum in Gering. This holiday tradition features hayrack rides, marshmallow roasting, and cowboy coffee around a bonfire. Kids can write letters to Santa and send them via Pony Express to Santa’s Village in downtown Gering. 308.436.1989. —legacyoftheplains.org Nov. 28 CHRISTMAS PAST AND PRESENT Dec. 4-5, 10-11 at Stuhr Museum, Grand Island. This event features a beautiful lamplit tour of Railroad Town and live music. All of the roads and paths are lit with lanterns and the buildings are decorated with old-fashioned greenery and bows. Visit the Mercantile shop, speak with staff members dressed in period costumes, sample some ginger cookies, and more. 308.385.5316 —stuhrmuseum.org

HOLIDAYS IN THE HAYMARKET TBD at the Haymarket in Lincoln. Santa will visit the Haymarket, and guests can participate in free horse-and-carriage rides while various entertainers sing Christmas songs. 402.435.7496 —lincolnhaymarket.org GIRLS GET AWAY WEEKEND Nov. 5-7 at Amana Colonies. This unique trip is dedicated to women, for women. There are many events planned, such as special menu selection at restaurants, exclusive shopping, and wine sampling. 319.622.7622. —amanacolonies.com

A SWINGING BROWNVILLE CHRISTMAS Dec. 10-12 at Brownville Concert Hall, Brownville. In the tradition of beloved seasonal specials, Klea Blackhurst, Jim Caruso, and Billy Stritch will perform swinging arrangements of "Christmas Waltz," "Sleigh Ride," and “Snow," among other favorites. The singers will be joined by Steve Doyle on bass and Daniel Glass on drums. 402.825.3331. —brownvilleconcertseries.com

CHRISTMAS AT THE CODYS Dec. 17- 21 North Platte. Buffalo Bill’s magnificent Victorian mansion is decorated for the holidays and open to the public during the Christmas season each year, as is the barn. Evening events include outdoor caroling and hayrack rides. Complimentary hot chocolate and roasted chestnuts are provided. 308.535.8035. —visitnorthplatte.com

YULE LOG CELEBRATION at Platte River State Park, TBD near Louisville. Visitors can follow the clues and find the Yule Log. The shooting range is open during the day, as well as special crafts, hayrack rides, snacks and more. 402.234.2217. —outdoornebraska.gov/platteriver ANNUAL WINTERFEST TBD at Ponca State Park in Ponca. This outdoor family tradition features a Yule Log Quest, the National Championship Fruitcake Fling, seasonal crafts, lighted hayrack rides, and more. 402.755.2284. —outdoornebraska.gov/ponca

IOWA MARY CHAPIN CARPENTER, MARC COHN, SHAWN COLVIN: TOGETHER IN CONCERT

Nov. 5 at Hoyt Sherman Place, Des Moines. These three Grammy Award-winning artists have united for this extensive new tour. The musicians will appear together onstage, performing songs and sharing stories. 515.244.0507. —hoytsherman.org

GEORGIA ON MY MIND: CELEBRATING THE

MUSIC OF RAY CHARLES Nov. 12 at Hoyt Sherman Place, Des Moines. Charles was one of the 20th century's most influential musicians. For the 60th anniversary of his pivotal recording of "Georgia on My Mind," Civic Music Association celebrates his legacy and music with a special concert featuring all-star vocalists, Take 6, Nnenna Freelon, and Clint Holmes. —hoytsherman.org THE CAKE Nov. 12-21 at Stoner Theater, Des Moines. When Jen returns to her North Carolina hometown to ask Della, the best friend of her deceased mother, to bake her wedding cake, Della refuses because Jen is marrying a woman. Mix in a baking reality show and a dormant marriage and things get very, very interesting. 515-246-2300 —desmoinesperformingarts.org

REAL LIFE WOMEN’S CONFERENCE

November 19-20 at Hy-Vee Hall, Iowa Events Center. This twoday conference is geared towards women of all ages. The conference will feature speakers Sheila Walsh, Lisa Whelchel, Plumb, Shantel Dudley, as well as speaking and singing by Plumb, JJ Weeks. Ayeisha Woods and more. 515.564.8000. —iowaeventscenter.com

FROM THE BARREL—DES MOINES’ WHISKEY

FESTIVAL Nov. 19-20 at The River Center, Des Moines. This event is designed for the connoisseur. The tickets include whiskey tastings, where attendees can choose from over 150 options, live music, activities, food, and more. This two-day festival also features cigars, contests, speakers, and charities. 515.371.4791. —dsmwhiskeyfest.com BEETHOVEN’S VIOLIN CONCERTO Nov. 20-21 at Des Moines Civic Center. Paul Huang, recipient of the prestigious 2015 Avery Fisher Career Grant, is renowned for his intensely expressive music making. This program will feature the noble grandeur and epic journey of Sibelius’s Seventh Symphony and Anna Clyne’s Masquerade. 515.246.2300. —desmoinesperformingarts.org

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 LIVE:

TIME BUBBLE TOUR Nov. 23 at Hoyt Sherman Place. This event features the beloved returning cast of the 2019 “Great Cheesy Movie Circus Tour,” along with the world's only movie-riffing robots, Tom Servo, Crow, and GPC. The show features the film Making Contact and will include all the tour signatures: hilarious riffing, wisecracking robots, and silly sketches. 515.244.0507. —hoytsherman.org LIGHTED CHRISTMAS PARADE Nov. 26 in downtown Clarinda. Over 75 lighted floats decorate the Clarinda Downtown Square for this holiday parade. Each year, a different theme is given so participants can show their imagination and do different things with their floats. After the parade, children are able to visit Santa Claus at the Santa House 712.542.2166. —clarinda.org JULEFEST Nov. 26-27 in Elk Horn and Kimballton. This celebration of the arrival of the Christmas season has been happening annually for over 40 years. Events include a “Naughty or Nisse” 5K Polar Run, a pancake supper, and a concert. The Museum of Danish America

Nov. and Danish Windmill will be open 19-20 throughout the weekend. 712.764.7472. —danishvillages.com BÉLA FLECK Dec. 2 at Hoyt Sherman Place, Des Moines. Over the last four decades, Fleck has made a point of boldly going where no banjo player has gone before. He has earned 15 Grammys in nine different fields, including country, pop, jazz, instrumental, classical, and world. But his roots are in bluegrass, and that’s where he returns with this tour, in support of his album My Bluegrass Heart. 515.244.0507. —hoytsherman.org PRELUDE TO CHRISTMAS Dec. 3-5 at the Amana Colonies. In this annual tradition, guests can view candlelit streets, walk through the colonies’ Tannenbaum Forest, and visit Santa. They will be offering Christmas cookies and wine pairing flights, shopping specials, and a Nutcracker Scavenger Hunt. On Saturday, the Amana Church presents a cookie walk. 319.622.7622. —amanacolonies.com

Nov. 26

OLD WORLD CHRISTMAS MARKET Dec.4-5 at the National Czech and Slovak Museum and Library, Cedar Rapids. This tradition includes live music and dance performances, seasonal treats, and free family activities for visitors to enjoy while shopping for specialty imports and handmade gifts by select artisans. 319.362.8500. —ncsml.org

SINTERKLAAS DAY Dec. 6 in downtown Orange City. Holland’s version of Santa arrives on his white horse during a large parade. Other activities include Dutch games and a puppet show This is a popular day for children and their families to come and enjoy the spirit of Christmas in main street’s “Dutch Village.”. 712.707.4510. —orangecityiowa.com

DM SYMPHONY—NYE POPS: THE MUSIC OF ELTON

JOHN Dec. 31 at Des Moines Civic Center. From classic Elton John hits “Tiny Dancer,” “Bennie and the Jets” and “Rocket Man” to rock favorites like “Live and Let Die” and “Pinball Wizard,” Grammy and Tony-nominated Broadway star Michael Cavanaugh and his band entertain with a high-energy show. 515.246.2300. —desmoinesperformingarts.org

VETERANS DAY WEEKEND Nov. 10 in Fort Scott, Kansas. Fort Scott has been honoring veterans since 1842. This signature event includes a parade through the downtown and a grand ball, in which 19th century costumes are encouraged, but gloves are required by all. 620.223.3566. —fortscott.com

KANSAS

NORWEGIAN CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION Dec. 7 at The Vesterheim National NorwegianAmerican Museum and Heritage Center, Decorah. This lively day of events includes Scandinavian holiday traditions, crafts, music, a movie, and other treats. 563.382.9681. —vesterheim.org HISTORIC CANDLELIGHT TOUR TBD at Tallgrass Prairie National Preserve. Step back in time to learn about actual events that took place on the property over 100 years ago. Living history re-enactors tell the stories of the ranch and American Indian culture on the prairie with firstperson vignettes of real life on a typical winter night in the prairie. Kerosene lanterns light the path. 620.273.8494. —nps.gov/tapr 22ND ANNUAL HOLIDAY LUMINARY WALK. Nov. 26-27, Dec. 3-4, 9-11, and 16-18, at Overland Park Arboretum & Botanical Gardens in Overland Park. Guests can stroll down candlelit paths through the gardens while viewing holiday lights and listening to live music. 913.895.6270. —opkansas.org

SHAWNEE CHRISTKINDLMARKT Dec. 4 at City Hall in Shawnee. This city celebrates its German roots with its Christkindlmarkt, featuring carolers, a Mayor’s Christmas tree, holidaythemed dances, and more.913.631.6545. —visitshawneeks.com

CHRISTMAS IN KALONA Dec. 7 in downtown Kalona. Children can fill their “walking stockings” with gifts from local merchants, have their picture taken with Santa, decorate cookies and ornaments, take a cookie walk, tour churches, and ride in a carriage. 319.656.2660. —kalonachamber.com HOME FREE—WARMEST WINTER TOUR 2021 Dec. 15 at Des Moines Civic Center. This acclaimed all-vocal country group is set to light up the holiday season when they hit the road this year. They will be playing songs from their most recent studio album, Warmest Winter. 515.246.2300. —desmoinesperformingarts.org IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE: THE RADIO PLAY Dec. 16 at Stoner Theater, Des Moines. This beloved American holiday classic comes to life as a live 1940s radio broadcast. Presented by the Iowa Stage Theatre Company, this ensemble of five actors, with the help of live sound effects, brings a few dozen characters to life on the stage, sharing the story of idealistic George Bailey as he considers ending his life one fateful Christmas Eve. 515.246.2300. —desmoinesperformingarts.org

THE BRIAN MCKNIGHT 4 Nov. 5 at Lied Center of

Kansas, Lawerence. Singer, songwriter, producer and multi-instrumentalist Brian McKnight has released 19 albums over the past 25 years, selling more than 30 million albums worldwide, garnering 17 Grammy Award nominations 785.864.2787. —lied.ku.edu WICKED WINE WALK Nov. 6 at Kansas City Power & Light District, Kansas City. Bubble, bubble, boil, and trouble. Participants on this wine walk can listen to live music while sipping on wine and nibbling on small plates at each of the participating venues. 816.842.1045. —powerandlightdistrict.com KIWANIS 2021 CHILI & SOUP FESTIVAL Nov. 6 in downtown Hutchinson. This annual festival features a variety of soups and chilis, which can be voted on by attendees, along with music, entertainment, and shopping in the downtown area. 620.694.2677. —hutchgov.com FIND THE WINE Nov. 6 and 13 at Walter’s Pumpkin Patch, Burns. Snacks and samples of wine will be available at this third annual event, but the guests must try to locate samples located within the corn maze. 21+ only. 316.320.4150. —thewaltersfarm.com

HYDE PARK LUMINARIES Dec. 18 in Hutchinson. Stroll, drive, or ride through this beautiful neighborhood for the annual Christmas Nov. Luminaria. Meet Santa at the corner 05 of 20th and Washington streets, listen to musical entertainment, Dec. 18 take a horse-drawn wagon ride, drink cider, and eat cookies at Hyde Park. 620.694.9310. —hutchgov.com

MISSOURI

GREAT PUMPKIN SMASH TBD at Kansas City Zoo, Kansas City. Come and Watch animals stomp, crash, and roll around with huge pumpkins after Halloween. This is a great post Halloween enrichment for children of all ages. 816.595.1234 — kansascityzoo.org KATT WILLIAMS Nov. 12 at T-Mobile Center, Kansas City. Grammy-Award winning band The Chainsmokers is known for their hits like “Selfie” and “Closer.” 888.929.7849. —t-mobilecenter.com ANNUAL PLAZA LIGHTING CEREMONY NOV. 25 in Kansas City. Each Thanksgiving evening, one of Kansas City’s most grand annual traditions happens on the Country Club Plaza. Watch this dazzling display in Kansas City that includes giveaways, performances, fireworks, and a postceremony concert. The display runs through mid-January. 816.753.0100. —countryclubplaza.com

2021 NCAA HALL OF FAME WEEKEND Nov. 22-23 in Kansas City. The National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame Induction will take place on Sunday at the Sprint Center Kansas City, with the Hall of Fame Classic Tournament taking place the next day in the arena. 888.929.7849. —halloffameweekend.com ST. CHARLES CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS Nov. 26-Dec. 24. Locations vary, St. Charles. In addition to the 80-plus characters who are always "making seasons bright,” there are a host of other activities in St. Charles at Christmastime. 800.366.2427. —discoverstcharles.com WIZARD FEST Nov. 28 Outland Ballroom, Springfield. Wizard Fest is a Harry Potter-themed trivia and dance party. This interactive party celebrates the wizarding world, cosplay, and all things magic in one spectacular event, with themed cocktails, a costume contest, and a Triwizard Tournament. 417.869.7625. —facebook.com/outlandballroom

SIGHTS AND SOUNDS OF CHRISTMAS Dec. 4 in Atchison. This event is for kids of all ages, with children’s activities such as North Pole Village and a lighted Christmas Parade. 800.234.1854. Dec. —visitatchison.com

04 40TH ANNUAL CANDLELIGHT HOMES

TOUR Dec. 4-5, throughout Weston. Historic homes in this antebellum city will be open and the streets will be decorated with luminaries. Father

Christmas will be present. 816.640.2909. —westonmo.com

ANNUAL CHRISTMAS CANDLELIGHT TOURS

AT THE HISTORIC DANIEL BOONE HOUSE Dec. 3-4 and 10-11 at historic Daniel Boone Home,

Defiance. Frontiersman Daniel Boone’s home will be open and lit for the holidays. The village will have historic scenarios and information about this time period, and campfires will be lit. People can drink hot cider and eat snacks. while roaming through more than 1000 luminaries. 636.798.2005. —sccmo.org

EVENT TIMES AND DETAILS MAY CHANGE.

Visit omahamagazine.com for complete listings. Check with venue or event organizer to confirm.

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STREAM OF SHOPPINGNESS

The other day while I was out shopping with my significant other… (Any reader who has followed my adventures for any length of time now knows that this story is pure fiction because I would never, ever in a thousand years, go shopping with my significant other, nor with anyone, or anything else, including a Sugar Glider secreted in my vest’s watch pocket. Everything that follows is, thus obviously, an exercise of my imagination.) …I found myself standing in the self-help aisle of a big, corporate bookstore… (Yes, this is more evidence of the unreliability of my narrative. I would never, ever in a thousand years, never go into a big, corporate bookstore, as I am psychologically compelled to seek out small, locally owned—by quirky bookish people—shops that feature tomes by local folk and obscure French Existentialists simultaneously. Thus, once again, this little digression is exposed as the fraud that it is.) …and as the titles swam past my eyes, in a moment of clarity… (And yet again the jape is clear. I’m just making this up as I go because it amuses me. It is no secret to my family, friends, and the general public that I have never, ever in a thousand years, never had even a flashing bright nanosecond of clarity in this mind of mine. I have occasionally been able to grasp hold of a complex concept for a brief moment but there was no deep understanding involved, just a spasmodic, reflexive grabbing response, like a Venus Flytrap snapping shut on a fly. Clarity is the stuff of greater minds than mine.) …I realized that it was high time that I took an inventory of my flaws…. (I mean, how obvious can it be? This little essay is just one of those self-justifying petite memoirs meant to cast the author in a flattering light so that history might someday regard him with some degree of an idealistic gloss rather than record his name in the cruel light of reality and fact. I have never, ever in a thousand years, never taken any kind of inventory since Mr. Gesick fired me from my stock boy job at the TG&Y some years ago.) …and commit, at long last to change,… (Change? I hate change. Everyone hates change. Human beings will embrace the most bizarre levels of self-deception in order to avoid change. No matter what the mounting, incontrovertible evidence might be that demands a change of mind, change of diet, change of residence, change of habit, change of outlook, change of heart…Raise the sea levels, run the ball on 3rd and 23, melt the icecaps, trade your best power hitter, believe what you hear on the radio, buy a thousand Powerball tickets all at once…keep at it…don’t you ever change.) …but then I realized…

(Now, I’m about to weasel out of it…typical…This might turn out okay after all. Because I never, ever in a thousand years, never fail to pull back from the cliff’s edge. That’s how I got to be this old.) …if I lose all my flaws, there might not be anything left underneath, (Finally, a ring of truth.) …and that’s why I never go shopping with my significant other.

(This column was dictated to an assistant while standing in the self-improvement aisle of a very large corporate bookstore. Transcribed on the inside of a dust jacket from the new edition of “I’m OK, You I’m Not So Sure About.”).

Otis Twelve hosts the radio program Morning Classics with Otis Twelve on 90.7 KVNO, weekday mornings from 6-10 a.m. Visit kvno.org for more information.