Varsity Programme 2012

UCP MARJON VS PLYMOUTH UNIVERSITY 2 0 1 2

ladies rugby MENs rugby

ladies football mens football

Wednesday 21st March // 18:00-19:30 // Plymouth Albion RFC

Thursday 22nd March // 17:30-19:00 // Plymouth Argyle FC

Wednesday 21st March // 19:45-21:15 // Plymouth Albion RFC

Thursday 22nd March // 19:30-21:00 // Plymouth Argyle FC

Conditions of Entry • The use of threatening behaviour, foul or abusive language is strictly forbidden

• It is forbidden to enter the playing area during or after any Varsity match

• Racial, homophobic or discriminatory abuse, chanting or harassment is strictly forbidden

• No indecent behaviour including nudity, will be accepted and may result in eviction from a match and prosecution by the police

• Anyone deemed too intoxicated will not be permitted to enter a Sporting Venue • Alcohol is not permitted to be bought into any Sporting Venue, any found will be confiscated

• UPSU and UCP Marjon reserve the right to ban any individuals from the Varsity Event

The Motor Neurone Disease Association is the only national charity in England, Wales and Northern Ireland that funds and promotes global research into the disease and provides support for people affected by MND.

The Plymouth Drake Foundation is a local community charity, covering the Plymouth travel to work area.

They support small voluntary and community groups by providing grants to help their cause.

The Association was formed in 1979 by a group of volunteers who wanted to co-ordinate support, guidance and advice for people affected by the illness.

They help companies and individuals who want to give something back to their community by supporting a wide range of local causes.

They now have 3,000 volunteers in England, Wales and Northern Ireland and 150-plus paid staff, all dedicated to improving the lives of people affected by MND, now and in the future.

They aim to build a £5m endowment fund to provide a permanent source of support for local people. Donations we receive will be invested and the income generated will be used to provide lasting support to charity and community projects in and around the Plymouth city area.

For further information on the work of the MND Association: Website: www.mndassociation.org Telephone: 01604250505 Fax: 01604 624726/638289 Email: enquiries@mndassociation.org

For further information on the work of the MND Association: Website: www.drakefoundation.co.uk Telephone: 01752 764455 Email: plymouthdrakefoundation@gmail.com

UCP MARJON President’s Speech Hello all and welcome to Varsity 2012!!!

For those of you who have never experienced Varsity before then trust me you are in for a week of fun, banter and most of all some fantastic sports fixtures. Varsity gives the sporting students from both institutions the chance to pitch themselves against each other in a wide variety of sports and also allows for a large sum of money to be raised for two very worthy charities.

Our students have been working very hard this year with a number of successful league and cup runs but at the same time they have had to put up more developments to the sporting facilities at UCP Marjon so I thank you all for your patience . Trust me it will be worthwhile as we will have some of the best sports facilities in the South West. Well done to all the teams on your season, it’s always a good excuse to leave the office to support you.

This year the Marjon students have again decided to support ex student and keen rugby player Simon Adams. Simon was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease in October 2009 and almost immediately after his diagnosis he set up a bucket list of things that he wanted to achieve before he died. Sadly Simon passed away on the 6th October 2011.

Simon had completed a number of the things on his list such as swimming with sharks but unfortunately there were a few items that he didn’t complete. One of which was to raise £1,000,000 for Motor Neurone Disease. Despite Simon no longer being with us we will continue, as an institution, to help reach his goal of raising that £1,000,000.

Just prior to the start of the mens rugby fixture there will be a minute silence in memory of Simon so I would like to ask that both institutions can come together to show respect for this huge rugby fan.

Both Student’s Unions have worked hard in ensuring that this year’s varsity takes place and I would like to express my gratitude to both Kathryn Kearney and Nadine Jeffery.

Without them such an event would not be possible.

Finally it leaves me to wish all of our teams good luck with their fixtures, let’s go out and retain the varsity cup!!!

As a famous TV cook once said ‘WE NEED A 12TH MAN OUT HERE!!! WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU? LET’S BE HAVING YOU’ COME ON MARJON!!!

Joe Benson President, UCP Marjon

UPSU President’s Speech So, here we go again; Varsity 2012. After a one point defeat in 2011 its been a long 12 months of waiting, training, competing and getting ready for what will no doubt be another brilliant week of competition as we go toe to toe with UCP Marjon for the Varsity trophy. A trophy that I sincerely hope we will be lifting when the dust settles!

Varsity originated between the rugby teams of both institutions at a time when the two major educational providers in Plymouth were a polytechnic and a college. Since these humble beginnings, Varsity has grown to the week long spectacle that we have today; a festival of sport that gives hundreds of students an opportunity to compete on pitch, court and pool for the title of Varsity champions. A phrase that needs no further explanation.

Varsity also has a proud tradition of charity fundraising. Last year the event raised over £11,000 for two charities and this I hope that we can top this impressive figure as both charities are once again supporting local charities. We will be raising money for The Drake Foundation, a charity that supports local voluntary and community groups in developing vital services within the local community. UCP Marjon will once again be raising money for the Motor Neurone Disease Association on the behalf of ex-student Simon Adams, who sadly passed away after a long battle with MND in 2011. So, on your next trip to the bar, drop a few pennies into the pot and do your bit to help two deserving local charities!

So, for those of you who are competing, remember what is at stake and be sure to battle with pride, passion and ferocity.

Don’t stop working until the job is done and above all, enjoy the culmination of a years sport at Plymouth University. Last year’s competition was so close and now is the time to show your opposition why we deserve to raise the Varsity trophy as champions of Varsity 2012!

Similarly, if you are supporting our teams this year then be sure to give them the attention they deserve. Be proud in your support and drown out anything Marjon have to offer as you cheer our teams on to some big Varsity wins.

And finally, I would personally like to give a huge thank you not only to our sportsmen and women for the incredible effort they have made this year but also to the Varsity committee, without whom we would not be able to celebrate a year of sport in a week long clash for the top spot in Plymouth.

Many thanks and enjoy all the performances!

Thomas Davidson President, UPSU

UPSU ladies rugby team

Wednesday 21st March 18:00-19:30 Plymouth Albion RFC

Captains Message So it’s finally here! Varsity 2012.

This year has seen UPLRFC promoted to the dizzy heights of the BUCS South 1A league. It’s been a great year with some fantastic performances from individuals and the team as a whole. We’ve had a lot of new recruits this year and they’ve taken to rugby like ducks to water. The great commitment, enthusiasm and passion from players (new and old) have been the reason why we’ve done well this year.

UPSU Player Profiles Lucy ‘KO Cally’ Callingham

However this year wouldn’t have been possible without the help and input of those that have helped coach us at some point. So a massive thank you to: Cameron, Davy, Ryan, Steve and Stevie.

Along with this a huge thank you has to go to all those involved in the organisation of Varsity itself, it’s a spectacular sporting event and a great opportunity to showcase women’s rugby in front of a big crowd.

I’ve got no doubt that it’s going to be a game worth watching so thanks for coming to support!

Kate Hancock

Lucie Edwards

Cally has been an outstanding member of the club this year, from her trademark ‘KO’ hits during the games to organising off the pitch activities. A strong runner she’s scored some awesome tries this year and is no doubt looking to have an impact this year.

Char Richardson Char has without doubt earned her shirt tonight through a combination of hard work and sheer determination. She packs a punch and can be surprisingly nippy round the pitch as well as being destructive in the scrums.

Hot-headed Lucie is definitely going to be looking to be making a nuisance of herself tonight! Strong set piece skills along with aggressive tackling make her a hooker to be watched!

Izy Callow This versatile forward is absolutely mental. She has seemingly come out of nowhere this year to completely dominate on the pitch, proving to be a strong runner and excellent around the breakdown.

Helen ‘Bone’ Boner-Smith

Dids Taylor This welsh fresher has majorly impressed on the pitch, picking the game up quickly. She is strong round the breakdown and makes some powerful runs. There’s a lot to come from this lady.

Rachel ‘KeanBean’ Styles This keano had a brief love affair with football, but thankfully she’s seen the light and is back with rugby! Strong, speedy and dynamic stylesy will be working all night

A streamlined version of last year’s Bone, she still has all the power but an extra gear and she can go all night long! A solid player that can always be relied on.

Bobby Wilson (VC) Bobby has an unrivalled passion for the club. There is no doubt she will lay her body on the line for UPLRFC. Quick, powerful and a growing knowledge of the game make this Welsh backrow a force to be reckoned with.

UPSU ladies rugby team

Sarah Mimnagh

Alice Brown

Last year’s captain and the first of our ‘superveterans’ there’s no doubt Sarah will have some scores to settle tonight. Always a threat in open play and in the set piece, she will give everything she’s got tonight and I’m sure you’ll see some big hits and cheeky runs!

Megan Richardson

This pint-sized powerhouse is new to UPLRFC this year, but has proved herself to be deceptively strong and quick despite her pocket-sized appearance.

She’ll be looking to make an impression tonight.

Kate Hancock (C)

This fresher has exploded into UPLRFC, bringing with her booming hits, charging runs and interpretive dance. Possibly save the dancing until walkabout?

Alice ‘Agro’ Smith

Walking onto the pitch as a very proud captain, she will be looking for the gaps and the hits all night long. You’ll have to drag her off that pitch before she gives up.

Sammi Bannard

Despite her nickname agro has a very cool head. Her decision making, ferocity in tackling and excellent running have made her without doubt the number one choice for the 10 shirt this year.

Charly ‘Cher Lloyd’ Alexander

Another impressive fresh, Sammi has well and truly made her mark on the 12 jersey this year. She can always be relied on to make a tackle and hits some outstanding lines to break defences into pieces!

Nina Elvin

Charly has been a big part of the squad this year both in and off the pitch. Her enthusiasm for the game, along with her consistency in the contact area and great eye for a gap mean she’s an integral part of this backline

Jess ‘JP’ Poole

Wednesday 21st March 18:00-19:30 Plymouth Albion RFC

This fresh has shown great enthusiasm and passion to learn the game and she’s known for her surprisingly big hits that come from nowhere. With great hands she’ll be looking to be a threat in attack too!

Colette Wong This LongTallSally has been brilliant this year, she’s really pushed herself. Safe hands and an excellent rugby head JP has turned into a deserved regular in the backline. When she gets those long limbs motoring....watch out

A football/volleyball recruit this fresh has picked up the game very well! Quick feet, good hands and a fearless tackling technique make her one to watch.

UPSU ladies rugby team Madz Miles

Wednesday 21st March 18:00-19:30 Plymouth Albion RFC

Bex Andrews This fresh always has something to say and is a bubbly and enthusiastic member! A refined tackle technique along with long limbs that can move pretty rapidly, this winger will definitely be looking to make her mark.

Niki ‘Pats’ Paton The second of our ‘super-vets’ this will be Pats’ fourth varsity. She’s not afraid to get stuck in, her confidence at the back and trademark terrier runs from deep will be causing Marjons trouble all night.

Naomi ‘La-Toya’ Jackson Despite her quiet nature, don’t underestimate this fresh. She’s been a great UPLRFC member this year and has got a lot more to give.

Don’t be fooled! This fresh might appear a bit quiet and nice on the outside, but inside is a ferocious rugby player that has great potential. Her trademark well-timed sarcasm and controlled aggression make her a great UPLRFC squad member.

Becky Harper Another of the UPLRFC fresh army, she’s always smiling and motivated to learn. Great handling skills and always willing to get stuck in she’s a valuable member of the squad..

UCP MArjon ladieS rugby team

Wednesday 21st March 18:00-19:30 Plymouth Albion RFC

Captains Message Right, time for another essay! Ha Firstly, a massive thank you to the players who make my job so much fun. I’m not saying its easy… you can be a pain in the arse at times, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. This season, like always, has had its ups and downs. The positives always massively outweigh the negatives though and I couldn’t be prouder of the team I am leading out tonight.

A final thank you has to go to Charley and to Amy (my personal P.A), without these two the club would fall to pieces. The effort and time they put in behind the scenes is amazing, and on behalf of them team we are extremely grateful.

A big thank you also goes to matt, who has been there for us through everything. His commitment and dedication couldn’t have been better. We’ll do you proud coach =)

I hope you enjoy, what is expected to be, an immense game of women’s rugby

Tonight, I am expecting big things from MWRFC. We have been trained to love moments like these.

Look out for the massive hits, the never ending mentality, and the technically sound skills that I know these players can display.

Rhiannon Parker

Ucp marjon Player Profiles Charley Wright

Rhiannon Parker (C) This is charley’s last year playing Rugby at Marjon and she has proved herself essential in the development and progression of the team this year. She has provided guidance to new players and plays her heart out every game. Securing the ball like a champ, Miss reliable is always guaranteed to be in the right place at the right time, even when it seems like an impossibility.

Amy Cooper

Rhiannon Parker- Captain of Marjon’s rugby team this year and a huge role model and hero to all, with her push for hard and love for the game this third year will be greatly missed. If she isn’t hitting hard, she be worming her way to get the ball from the opposition. An amazing player on the team that shows constant commitment will not be forgotten.

Holly Edmunds This rugby veteran is one of the few that have been part of the club from the first year. An annoying player who doesn’t take any crap on the pitch, she is very sneaky and loves to surprise people with her incredible habit of turning the ball over.

Rosita Faridani

This fresher, not only comes with a lot of rugby experience but with some real speed as well. A natural with a rugby ball, this girl was born to play. She has adapted well to the team and has taken on a different position than she normally plays. This is defiantly one to watch tonight!!

Leanne Cording A player full of heart and not a bad bone in her body, who has stepped up to the plate and has shown she deserves to be on the pitch. Always guaranteed to provide a laugh, whether intentionally or not, Rose has grown a lot this year.

Leanne is one third year who also shows a lot of speed once she has her hands on the ball. Leanne has shown her strengths throughout the season scoring a few tries and making some great tackles.

UCP MArjon ladieS rugby team Leannie Swansbury

Wednesday 21st March 18:00-19:30 Plymouth Albion RFC

Stacey Saunders

This valued member of the team, who is always committed, will show the opposition, that legs are not to be messed with.

Putting in great kicks and tackles we are sure that she will make a massive impact on the match today.

Stacey or if your confused Tracey, has some outstanding runs and massive tackles this season. She is our very own Bolt, with the ball in hand there is no stopping this girl. She will walk all over the opposition, however we will have to wrap her up in cotton wool first!

Susie Argile

Amy Hayes This fly half has come on greatly this year she has made some good decisions throughout the season and provides the entertainment off the pitch. This serial flasher can either be found smashing the opposition with her tackling or on the ocean dance floor.

Sophie Cleverly

Although she may come across as quiet and reserved, this fresher is not to be messed with. Often found hanging from any kind of heights or in her room making random plastecine models, she has the potential to unleash some hardcore stunt moves on her opponents. Don’t be deceived by her dippyness, this girl means business.

Racheal Miller

Most probably the smallest member of the team, has progressed tremendously since last year. She’s not afraid to make any tackles and has proved vital at gaining ground within games. She has spent this year discovering new things about herself, and has broadened her horizons both on and off the rugby pitch.

Helen Langmead

This curly haired fresher, proved herself to be a perfect fit for the team, when she joined this year. Slotting into the backs with ease she proved herself to be a playmaker when the time called for it. Deceptive agility and a good knowledge for the game has helped her excel throughout this season.

Jess Rudd

This fresher has never played rugby before and has defiantly picked it up. She looks confident on the pitch and although a quiet one off the pitch she is not afraid to get involved on the pitch.

Michaela Excell Vice captain of the team, this second year has had a smashing season and has stepped into her role and lead the team with passion. Feisty on the pitch and a raging alcoholic, she will always lead from the front and set the example.

Another old timer of the team, this girl can give a tackle or two and most the time ensures you don’t get back up! If she isn’t breaking her own bones or being the girliest girl on the team, you can be sure she is dominating on the pitch.

Naomi Smith Even though it’s her First year of rugby she has made a big impact on the team.

She is at every ruck, every maul and always the first their making huge tackles.

We know this football convert will rise to the challenge and play Marjon rugby as its known.

UCP MArjon ladieS rugby team Harriet Jeffery

Wednesday 21st March 18:00-19:30 Plymouth Albion RFC

Channelle Wynton Third and final year for Haz. Stolen from the backs and put into flank, this player was born to play here. With her feisty attitude and ability to move quickly, she is a threat to any opposition. This season she displayed some deadly hits and is one to watch tonight.

Paisley Johnston

Another football convert and first season of rugby, this has come on brilliantly. She has grown from strength to strength, being committed and improving in every game she plays. She brings plenty of humour to the game with her ‘pied’ hand offs again this speedy forward is worth keeping an eye on.

Jenny Bee

This aspiring shop keeper is another rugby fresher this year and what an improvement she has made. Stepping up to fill a front row position she has grown in confidence and is someone not to be messed with.

Zoe Holtby

This Cornish rugby player has proven to be able to play rugby in and out of the water. A useful player on the pitch Jenny shows Commitment to get involved in any ruck and maul. Although everything seems to be in slow motion when Jenny’s hands are on the ball we are confident she will be able to bring a lot to tonight’s game.

Anna Becket This fiery Fresher is defiantly one to watch. Very enthusiastic and confident this crafty fresher can’t help but wind the opposition up! Defiantly not afraid to get involved and tear it up on the pitch this very useful player will always be there to provide support to her team.

Caitlin Scullion Yet another fresher, this versatile player is able to play many positions in the forwards. This player makes a huge impact in games with her huge tackles and commitment to rucks. Caitlin has progressed throughout the season and will defiantly make an impact on tonight’s game.

This 2nd year is also a fresher to rugby.

Could possibly be the joker of the team.

Surprisingly Anna has never played rugby before but you would not of ever guessed it. This player is a great value to the team putting in big hits and finally learning how to look when she passes or else she will get put in the naughty corner.

UPSU MENS rugby team

Wednesday 21st March 19:45-21:15 Plymouth Albion RFC

Captains Message I would initially like to take this opportunity to welcome you all to Brickfields for this great sporting event – Varsity plays a huge part in both institutions sporting calendar and really raises the profile of sport in Plymouth. Although creating a great sporting spectacle for all, varsity is a fund raising event, helping to support local charities; something that should not be forgotten this evening. The fierce rivalry between the two institutions will provided some excellent rugby for you tonight with this great occasion a celebration of sport, support and charity.

This season has been a tough one for the University team. After last year’s promotion in to tier 1, we have

found ourselves up against some tough opposition on a Wednesday afternoon accomplishing some hard fought wins as well as heart breaking loses.

New members of the team have really stepped up to the mark this year and I know a lot of the old heads (myself included) will be looking for a victory in their last game for the University of Plymouth I would like to thank the Plymouth Albion staff and coaches for allowing us to use their facilities all year, as well as training us through such a tough season. I would also like to thank Ed Bowe who unfortunately cannot be with us this evening. Thank you all again for coming and supporting this evening - I hope that you’ll see some fantastic rugby, worthy of a varsity title.

John Corellis

UPSU Player Profiles 1. Paul ‘Creeky’ Creek

2. Thomas ‘Woody’ Davidson Can’t catch, can’t pass and hands out penalties like freebies in a supermarket but being the VP sports, he would make our life hell if we left him out. He has refused to leave university after 5 years and has finally made the squad after deleting his World of Warcraft account and beating Devers at Mortal Kombat. Woody has worked harder than anyone else this year and will love the chance to play in his first and last varsity.

A prop through and through with the facial features to match – Creeky is destructive in the scrums and works hard around the park. After crying off the start of the season, he is back with a vengeance. This little ball of muscle is a man you can rely on and will relish the chance to start in the front row tonight.

3. Sean ‘Beast’ Olyanju Hard, powerful and relentless – The only way ‘The Beast’ can be summed up.

Loves to jackal for the ball and doesn’t mind a carry or two either. Wears the stupidest hats and can often be seen eating, buying or thinking about chicken.

This London rude boi will be out to break people tonight.

4. Kai Neville At 9ft 3, Kai is the tallest member of our squad. A head the size of a fish bowl and the hair of male model, he is quite a sight.

Kai has recently been compared to Ashton Kutcher which is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Kai has been one of our stand out players this year, breaking the gain line and making big tackles; A huge asset to the squad.

UPSU MENS rugby team 5. Rupert ‘Tony the tiger’ Edwards Rupert is Kai’s main rival for head size – huge. Has the same taste in tall, blonde haired women from Newquay as Daniel Cheers (10) which we hope won’t cause problems during the game; GRACEful in the lineout with the reliable hands of a CARPENTER. This cheeky fresher has worked hard this year to secure his place in the squad and deserves his shirt. Rup will be pushing for a big game in his first varsity.

7. Siôn Gwydion Jones What every team wants – an out and out 7. The old man has been incredible this year clearing up everyone’s mess, turning over ball and making fools out of opposition rucks. Sion loves the Snowriders more than the rugby team but Pook has let us borrow him for the evening. Sion can often be seen having coffee in ‘Air’ or riding gnarly waves. A game changing player that Marjons will struggle to contain.

9. Alex Jeffery

Wednesday 21st March 19:45-21:15 Plymouth Albion RFC

6. Max Dewing Looks like a prop and has a receding hairline to rival Sting (nothing on Matt Williamson mind). Another fresher who has stepped up to the mark this year and has made a big impact in the team, despite looking like an over grown baby.

Max has developed a strong relationship with Sam Deuce this year and will be looking for a post game snog from him at the final whistle. Max is mobile, strong and isn’t afraid of hard work.

8. John Corellis (Captain) A short, fat and ugly Spartacus style leader who will undoubtedly become a UPRFC hall of famer due to his insatiable work rate and unbelievable bear crawl speed. This Greco-Welsh hybrid has dedicated his every breath and this varsity performance to both; his precious Monkey and his beloved Gavin ‘The Bachelor’ Henson. Johnny Boy has singlehandedly managed to turn C103 into a profitable organisation through 5 years of student loans and bucket loads of dedication.

Although restricted by his mole like vision this man is a game winner and pivotal player for the University team tonight.

10. Daniel Cheers Jeffers is a Varsity veteran. Like Barry says, never judge a banana by its skin or an orange by its peel, this ‘Little Johnny’ is incredible. A tough, big hitting scrum half that will be looking for his varsity hatrick tonight.

11. Matt Williamson How a man so young has a receding hairline like Matt’s is beyond me. Matt is the quietist member of the team and spends a worryingly large amount of time with Rupert. The slowest member of the squad, Matt is a fresher who has started at the bottom this year and has made his way through the teams to be one of the star finds of this year’s rugby squad. A powerful winger that will punish Marjons if they give him space.

He may look like a boy band member and he may speak out of the side of his mouth but Cheersie is a very useful outside half when he’s not fantasizing about tall blonde girlfriends that belong to his team mates.

Never shy’s away from a tackle and seems to have so much time on the ball, Cheersie is fleet footed and clever with ball in hand. Marjons will be keeping an eye on him tonight.

12. Semi Ed ‘Thor’ Maslaveckas Where do I even start with this semi spice boy. Fake tan, gelled hair and vests, this man belongs in Jersey shore, not on the rugby pitch. He claims to be a centre but evidence is yet to be provided. Flashy boots and an arrogant strut have earned this mutant his shirt. Ed dominates people in the contact and is destructive in defence. Shame his chat and drinking skills are awful.

UPSU MENS rugby team 13. William Sowden Will is the most deluded member of our squad, referring to himself as ‘el Crumpo’. Broke Lew the Screw’s heart this year when he pronounced his love for Miss Hammick and has been M.I.A since that day. When Sowden bothers playing, he is a top performer. Sowden can score a try from anywhere and is solid in defence. A player to keep an eye on.

15. Nick ‘Chimbo’ Bolton Bolton loves his girlfriend more than any of us will ever know. A port drinking machine, Bolton has given up his futsal career to become a UPRFC legend. A great runner with ball in hand and loves the big hit. Bolton has earned the most highly contested Varsity shirt and will be showing why tonight.

17. Rob ‘Bubbles’ Airdrie Don’t be fooled by this man’s unbelievably feminine voice; a strong ball carrier and a formidable line out thrower.

Bubbles has earned his place in the squad this year with precise arrows and great work rate. His first varsity, Bubbles will be looking to impress.

19. Russ Jackman Russ is a late edition to the squad, impressing over the last few games. We might have noticed him earlier but he has been tied up with his Welsh girlfriend.

When he is not shoulders deep in Ed’s (12) backside, he is a pretty useful rugby player. Strong ball carrier and safe in defence. This is Russ’s first Varsity

Wednesday 21st March 19:45-21:15 Plymouth Albion RFC

14. Owen ‘Googs’ Abbott Goggs’ googly eyes confuse the opposition and help him spot gaps. He loves his bike more than his own mother but not as much as a certain female rugby players. Googs is more passionate about UPRFC than anyone else in the club.

When he isn’t cooking for his whole house, he can be seen smashing the opposition in tackles or bursting through gaps. The most respected and loved member of the squad.

16. Daniel Hayward The jury is still out on why this hideous man has made the team - the most controversial choice in the squad with many an old boy questioning my sanity.

The greatest moment of Hayward’s rugby playing career, he is the clubs top ruck supervisor and is by far the most mullet member of the 22. At this point I’m supposed to say something about his playing ability but I flat out refuse.

18. Danny Butler Danny is a late addition to the squad.

More primate than man, this gorilla can be seen bulldozing his way up the field on a Wednesday afternoon. A powerful ball carrier, Danny will be looking for a chance to run at the marjon’s boys tonight.

20. Jamie Stent The coke can, the pringle pot, the tri-pod – however you want to refer to this man, the nicknames speak for themselves. Stent has been impressive in defence all year yet offers less than Creeky in attack which really is pushing it. Stents unique taste in shirts is the only reason he has made the varsity team and will be most certainly showing one off them off this evening. A big hitter, Stent is a brick wall and Marjons will struggle to break through him.

UPSU MENS rugby team 21. Emmerson Wood

NOT SO SHOREY

Please note - subject to financial problems – a pre-match write up could not be supplied for Mr. Wood.

My sincerest apologies – The UPRFC management

NOT SO SHOREY

Wednesday 21st March 19:45-21:15 Plymouth Albion RFC

22. Alex ‘Marjons’ Hall

OH SO SHOREY:

Marjons would rather be referred to as ‘wheels’ for his ‘pace’ which is nearly as deluded as Sowden and his good looks.

As the name suggests, Alex is an exMarjons boy turned good, with quick feet and an eye for space. Alex’s tattoo of a dragon is the most ludicrous thing most of us have ever seen; it’s awful. Alex’s chat is not much good either but he does drive the mini bus so he has his uses. Alex will ALLBILLSINCLUDED FROM PER WEEK be looking -for a big £79 impact against his old REGULARCLEANINGSERVICEOFALLCOMMUNALAREAS: club from the bench.

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UCP MARJON MENS rugby team

Wednesday 21st March 19:45-21:15 Plymouth Albion RFC

Captains Message A new season and a fresh start for Marjon Rugby, winning games comfortably we have bounced back after last year’s not so successful season. After being relegated, promotion has been a target since the beginning of the year with all the players showing true commitment and determination to ensure the clubs success, and progress towards the top of the table. During the season the team has really come together, working hard

for each other and grown stronger as the season has progressed. Introducing more training sessions, as well as all of us hitting the gym and getting massive, Plym Uni best be prepared for a tough match for the first time in a while. With varsity being mentioned at least once a week, hopefully we can all come together on the night and finally put the scum back in there place and retrieve the newly named ‘Simon Adams’ trophy back where it belongs.

Elliott Worrall

Ucp marjon Player Profiles Elliott Worrall

Tobias Hayes Tonight’s captain has been making the whole team hit the gym hard this year, not for fitness but purely for the fact they need to be able to lift him in the line outs.

Despite having the people skills of a small insect, he can lead a team, and we know he will do his job tonight.

Sam Allen

If you ever need to find Tobias just head to the gym. Since the age of 4 Tobias has lived in the gym, finally hitting the gym hard for the build-up to varsity to secure his place, as well as finally admitting that his girlfriend is better at rugby than him.

Let’s hope the gym has paid off.

Callum Wilson The language barrier is difficult as Sam is originally from Hong Kong, however when Sam isn’t playing rugby he’s on Skype with his mother asking for sex advice. Perhaps this may pay off and score lucky at varsity?

Henry Littlewood Thinking he is a character out of Kidulthood, Henrys weekends used to consist of a 2 litre bottle of frosty jacks, a kitchen knife and a hoody at his local park. But, things changed when he found a love for Marjon Rugby, where he learnt how to put a kitchen knife to good use as well as playing a decent game of rugby. It can be said, Marjon Rugby saved his life.

Probably has the biggest man bum you’ll ever see, Callum is renowned for his ghetto booty shaking which you will not miss tonight. Hopefully he will actually come out after?

Mike “Saffa” Kenny Once Saffa had managed to cross the border into the United Kingdom from South Africa, bringing only a sleeping bag and a pen, he turned to education.

Successfully being accepted into Marjon due to his 10 ucas points and good looks, Saffa joined the club with his muscular frame; hopefully his bulk will prove worthy tonight.

UCP MARJON MENS rugby team Matt Dooooowrick

Tom Finnie A lot like Forest Gump one day Tom decided to run, he kept on running until he came across Marjon Rugby, where apparently he had the “worst experience of his life”. Tonight will Tom run and score?

It’s not easy being the heaviest guy in the squad but he handles it well. Although before training he stops off at every fast food restaurant on the way, Matt still manages to train. Similarities of a Rhinoceros, he will be sure to put in a good performance.

Kitt-Thomas Peters

Patrick Holmes Growing up, “Paddy” watched Jurassic park so many times he runs like a dinosaur, and we’re all hoping he’s plucked his slugs so he can see the ball tonight.

Before Kitt joined Marjon Rugby, instead of going out with the lads, Kitt would sit on Chat Roulette topless, showing off how good his body is to girls, however things have now changed due to the loss of his bulk. This has played an advantage this season as Kitt tears teams apart with his pace, will he be quick tonight?

Harry Dawe

Wednesday 21st March 19:45-21:15 Plymouth Albion RFC

Danny Dunstan If you know this lad you will know that he does not shut up. Probably the most talkative person you will ever meet who always has something to say. Expect to hear this guy tonight.

Harry has massive tits, thus having to wear a sports bra when he plays or else he’ll knock himself out. After breaking his foot due to walking, he returns 100% fat and ready for varsity.

Charlie Grace

James ‘Flakey’ Sellens At one point in his career Charlie was the highest paid Plymouth Albion player (Or so he tells us). He is now taking up a coaching role and has helped the Marjon men sculpt their skills and techniques.

The centre/back row/second row/coach is sure to have a big impact tonight.

Chris Kitson

This lad nearly couldn’t be part of the squad tonight after he became infected with a rare skin condition. Thanks to a special cream, and a man up pill he will fully be taking part, let’s hope he doesn’t get to much mud in between those follicles and tears it up to his full potential.

Ollie Harcus Chris is not afraid of the gym, unfortunately when we asked him to model his self on a muscle man; he got the wrong idea and modelled himself on Mr. Muscle the detergent. Never-the-less Chris will be sure to play with plenty of heart tonight, and get stuck right it. Mr Muscle loves the jobs you hate.

After being frozen for Thousands of years, this Neanderthal adapted to modern day life and learnt to play rugby. Ollie loves a game of rugby and when he’s not digging in the mines for coal and marmite he will usually be found tackling men to the floor and hitting rucks hard, definitely one to watch tonight.

UCP MARJON MENS rugby team Harry Cunningham

Wednesday 21st March 19:45-21:15 Plymouth Albion RFC

James Sach

After being sent to the Dudley young offenders institute at age of 12, Harry decided he wanted to change his life around. He was let out after 2 years on “Good behaviour” and he took it upon himself to learn rugby. After many years of success in rugby league, Harry joined Marjon to do a degree in tree climbing where he had to convert to rugby union.

He may be new to the game but that won’t stop him tonight, with plenty of ball ripping he will definitely be one to watch.

Lewis Patterson

After expressing his un-dyeing love for Elliott Worrall, it was decided that James should be dropped due to the Rugby Clubs, player-player relationship policy.

Unfortunately the other hooker choices picked up injuries and James was brought back in. Since his return to the side he has been unstoppable and hits almost every line out, we look forward to watching James continuous success in tonight’s game.

Niall Stokes

After getting kicked off Matchmaker.com for having a profile picture of someone else, Lewis started chat roulette. He would sit for hours, with the camera pointed below his waist and above his knees, until he came across Kitt Thomas Peters sat with his shirt off, Lewis told himself one day he would have a body like Kitt and become a professional rugby player. After tedious hours of striving towards his goal Lewis has finally made it as that professional player, this “superstar” is sure to impress tonight.

James Scott

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you see Niall warming up tonight please contact Elliott Worrall or Tobias Hayes as something is seriously wrong, Niall has decided that

“warming up is for wimps” and will refuse

to take part in any pre match activities with the rest of the team. Despite hating most of the team, when the game starts he will be a real team player and lead the boys.

Harry Seaman Your eyes are not deceiving you, this is the same James Scott that broke his leg last year, unfortunately due to this injury, he has piled on copious amounts of weight, hence why he looks a bit different, that and the fact that he now has a bionic leg made entirely of sausages. Despite this James will play with real power and enthusiasm tonight.

THIS POST HAS BEEN REMOVED

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UCP MARJON ladieS football team Referee: Barry Jackson Assistants: Ian Rothwell and Olly Green

Thursday 22nd March 17:30-19:00 Plymouth Argyle FC

Captains Message Where to start… This year has had its ups and downs to say the least!! But we have most definitely had one hell of a great time. Firstly having a committed side that not only turns up to Strength & Conditioning at 7.30am and training of a Monday evening but having each and every one of them that puts in 110% when there. As a captain I couldn’t ask for much more than this. However, beating top of the league was an added bonus!!

As previously mentioned, this year has been a bit of a rollercoaster having its ups and downs but I wouldn’t change any of it. The girls have worked as a unit and

come through fighting with fantastic attitudes. This will be my Third and final varsity and I am so proud to be leading MLFC out onto the Plymouth Argyle pitch, showing our strongest performance of the season and taking home the win for UCP Marjon. The girls that I have worked and played alongside of this year have been outstanding in both their commitment to the team and their team mates, and are real testament to the spirit within UCP Marjons. Go do yourselves proud girls and play with UCP Marjon pride I know you all have inside of you.

Its been one hell of a journey to say the least :D One last thing from me… ‘Get Involved’

Natalie ‘Batch’ Batchelor

Ucp marjon Player Profiles Natalie “Batch” Batchelor Captain & Midfield/Forward

Grace O’Leary Vice & Midfield

This year’s captain and without a doubt the heart of MLFC. Batch is a really hard working ‘eggcellent’ player who always looks to motivate and encourage others.

She leads by example but we will be lucky if she actually manages to turn up on time today. ‘Get Involved’ (Batchelor, 2012)

Elizabeth “Bert” Stanley Goalkeeper

Well where to start… Bert, Fantastic goalie that will NOT be letting any past her tonight… She has an eye for the game when she’s not injured!! First her knee then her shoulder.. What’s next!?!

There’s no mistaking her ‘passion’ for Women’s football both on and off the pitch!!!! A fresher that has made herself a massive part of the team that will no doubt be a big part of MLFC’s future.

One of the most experienced players on the team Grace always puts in a good shift covering pretty much every blade of grass on the pitch. Really hardworking midfielder who has a really big presence this is when she’s not being distracted by her WAG!!!!!

Juliet “Julz” Short Defender

Rugby player playing a proper sport!! Julz converted from Rugby this year and has proved to be a vital member of the squad.

Old school no nonsense defender, coming up against Julz is like hitting a brick wall.

Also known for ‘all sorts’ of antics off the pitch e.g. 24 hour awake-a-thon car park incident…..

UCP MARJON ladieS football team Referee: Barry Jackson Assistants: Ian Rothwell and Olly Green

Amy Hemingway Defender

Jemma Rose Defender

Commonly the one who is asking the stupid questions, but don’t be fooled by this. Amy can more than handle herself on the pitch. Putting in numerous player of the match performances this season.

Amy is one of the most consistent members of the squad and commands the defence well.

Mel Ferguson

Thursday 22nd March 17:30-19:00 Plymouth Argyle FC

It’s good of Jemma to turn up today!!!!

England Under 23 international who also plays in the Women’s Super League.

Jemma is a pacey defender with a lot of technical ability and has fantastic composure on the ball, not even being afraid of using her face as a shot stopper!!

Or having a good slide through a pile of dog shit! ‘Ill just go peel your face of that ball Jem!!!’

Jodie “Network” Newark

Defender

Defender One of the quietest members of the squad until on the pitch that is. Mel is a solid defender who has performed well at left back all season. Mel lets her football do that talking, a very good tackler who isn’t afraid to get stuck in. She might be sleeping with the enemy but she’ll always be one of us. The Marjon Mole!

Stacey L.U. Tonkin Midfield

She might run like Phoebe from friends but Jodie isn’t afraid to get stuck in. A veteran to the time who is a previous winning captain, this is her 4th varsity.

She’s a great role model for all the girls; her experience brings a lot to the squad.

Can often be found performing cruyff turns on the edge of the box.

Paige Marley Midfield

Hard working FOURTH year who always gives 100% in training and in matches.

Has done well this year with some fantastic performances and regardless of results she’ll play her socks off until the end of the game. She’s not afraid to take a player or two on running down the wing.

Zoe Arundell-Lethbridge Midfield

A Fresher who has a real passion for the game, she relishes in the challenge of playing university football. Zoe has a fierce shot on her and given half the chance will have a shot at goal. If not found playing football somewhere she can also be found individually wrapping the shirts as Christmas presents.

One of the most improved players this season, played a part in every game with consistent performances. Often known as super sub Paige has a habit of coming off the bench and scoring important goals, she carries on scoring off the field when taking a dip. Fancy a trip into the disabled toilet paige?!?!

Rachel Towler Midfield

Team social sec that spent the awake-athon drifting in and out of sleep! Towler grows with confidence with each game she plays. A really skilful winger, who is definitely the teams Ronaldo with all her tricks and flicks.

UCP MARJON ladieS football team Referee: Barry Jackson Assistants: Ian Rothwell and Olly Green

Heidi Davies

Thursday 22nd March 17:30-19:00 Plymouth Argyle FC

Alice “Betty”Denton

Defender

Striker Skilful winger who given the chance loves to make attacking runs. She is a really hard worker who always put in a really good shift whilst on the pitch. Has without a doubt the brightest boots on the pitch you wouldn’t miss her in a dark room.

Steph Warren

MLFC’s very own BFG. Betty is the team ball girl who spends most of the game on the floor or trying to do keepy uppies.

She’s a really strong player who holds the ball very well up top. She’s Rooney in training with her shooting shame she couldn’t hit a barn door in a game. Loves the social side and without fail takes a dip every Wednesday. ‘Batch, Where’s my plastic bag for my balls?’…… ‘Up the Denton’ (Denton, 2012)

Jodie “Lobby” Lobb

Striker

Striker A fresher who has come in this year and is one of our top scorers, she’s got a real eye for goal. Steph always works hard and doesn’t give in. She’s got really good composure in front of goal and is a really important asset to MLFC

Shawn Terry

Vertically challenged striker who has brilliant movement off the ball and reads the game really well. Lobby has improved as the season has gone on and has managed to earn herself a starting position weekly. However, she likes to do all the hard work of bringing the ball under control and then scoring an AMAZING try for MWRFC!!!! Good one Lobby!!

Jon Freeman & Gary Hellyer

Midfield

Shawn managed to get to 1 and a half training sessions this season but it ended up with her having an ACL reconstruction!!! In spite of this, Shawn has managed to make herself a massive member of MLFC.. Showing dedication and commitment at all games and even on the celebration side. Shawn loves to take a dip and is guaranteed to have a gin in her hand! Shawn will be in the dug out tonight giving the positive support and encouragement to make sure we take home a WIN.

Both of these lads volunteer their time to help coach the girls. They travel to games with us, we have to put up with Gary’s bad jokes but that’s a small sacrifice to make!!

Here’s one for you gary… ‘Poop Scoop’…

That is all!!! All the girls have a really good relationship with the lads. They are both a massive part of MLFC. With all of their experience and hard work it is easy to see they share the same passion!!! Massive thank-you to you both for all your help this season, we couldn’t of done it without you.

UPSU ladieS football team Referee: Barry Jackson Assistants: Ian Rothwell and Olly Green

Thursday 22nd March 17:30-19:00 Plymouth Argyle FC

Captains Message I write this as what I’d believe to be the luckiest and proudest Captain to ever lead UPLFC into a Varsity game. During one of the most successful years ever in the team in regards to victories, games and development, from day one I have stressed to the squad how it has been everyone’s input that has taken us to where we are now. Choosing the V-squad has been one of the hardest things to do when you have one of the biggest selection’s of players to chose from, literally cutting it fine with deadlines in which to pick the team.

However this was not based on the numbers but the sheer talent and commitment we’ve seen from every member throughout the season.

a season. Despite the rivalry and a persistent love hate relationship it’s a sport that unites differences.

I hope that everyone can take this as a reflection on what Varsity should be about this year; where we can all enjoy playing, watching and participating in a high velocity spectators sport.

Coming from a city where football is pretty much a religion and a majority of what we know, blue or red; derby days are what we all anxiously wait for twice

Thank you UPLFC, I couldn’t have done it without every single one of you. Big love.

This year we are graced with the luxury of playing at Home Park, hopefully encouraging more support from both teams to attend this evening and raise money for all good causes.

I have 100% faith in every member of our squad for this evening and I believe that they too share my certainty as we strive for the victory that we more that rightly deserve this year.

Dannielle Avis

UPSU Player Profiles 1. Jade Edward-Samuels

Goalkeeper

2. Kim Broom Center back

Fresher Kim walked straight in the squad this year as centre back, nicknamed Wonderkid from day one, its no surprise the name has stuck. Solid, swift and determined (that’s just what she defecates). Every team’s focus has been on her ability to keep the back line a concrete force to be reckoned with.

Scoring a cracking goal from our own half, just a shame majority of us missed it, sorry Kim BROWN!

This season we have been graced with several keepers but what a crackin’ keeper we have this year for Varsity. Our Blade is a competent and agile player, size isn’t an issue when this girl jumps 10ft or more, making classic saves and keeping us in the game. We just have to remember not to forget her and set off to Southampton, leaving her behind again… my bad!

3. Dannielle Avis Captain / Left back

A no-nonsense defender, Danni has massively developed over her time at Uni and will now use her skills together with her unrivaled footballing Evertonian passion to lead the team in search of a historic victory! This year, some tough team decisions have had to be made; however, many of these have resulted in epic wins. She has lead UPLFC in a highly successful season.

4. Lesley Toms Left back

Possibly the girliest girl to be playing football ever, but don’t let the blonde hair and her girly persona fool you, Lesley will battle right till to the final whistle and will hold her ground against most attackers. I wouldn’t even try and get the ball past her, as her determination and aggression will always prevail.

UPSU ladieS football team Referee: Barry Jackson Assistants: Ian Rothwell and Olly Green

5. Gemma Patchett Right back

6. Matilda Brereton Center back

Bants! This girl is the glue that holds our team friendship together, from team synchronisation to toilet talk; Patch is never afraid to share all and likes everyone to know about it. On the pitch it’s a different story, never disagreeing with decisions and with her ability to never give up and challenge right to the end she’s a right back not to be messed with.

7. Gemma Collins Right back

This years team Vice Captain, filling in brilliantly as Captain in my absences, Tild has definitely kept the team going. Whilst undoubtedly a fully committed member and a vital player in the squad, from her flawless blocks and great clearances to her challenges and tackles all reflecting her dedication to the team.

8. Jo Robertson

Central Midfield / Right wing / Striker

Gem’s hyperactivity has left people questioning what she’s taken, but after a few spoonful’s of sugar she’s on the dance floor drawing attention and we often find her randomly dropping to the floor after certain trigger words. This is Gem’s final varsity and she has earned her place in the squad through constant commitment; she was this year’s team health and safety/physio, making it to every game whether she was playing or not. A vital right back, making every challenge and pushing up the pitch when she’s got the ball.

9. Bobi Hyam

Thursday 22nd March 17:30-19:00 Plymouth Argyle FC

This versatile and committed fresher has been a great asset to the team this season, filling in wherever necessary.

Her abilities on the pitch grow with each game that she plays and after suffering from team bullying, this girl has everything to smile about as she has rightly won her place within this years squad. Just a shame she’s a kopite!

10. Hayley Ranachan

Striker

Striker Don’t be fooled by the size of our Bob, this nipper will keep any defence on their toes. Great first touch and serious eye for how football should be played, its obvious why she’s in the team After missing her first Varsity last year due to serious illness she has rightly won her place in the squad this year, she just needs to pack in the ciggis. Also rumour has it her mums a bit of a milf.

11. Becky Richards Striker

Legs eleven. This girl has come away from numerous injuries to still be the fastest player on any pitch, out running all defences whilst running rings round them before finishing it in net. With a keen eye for goal, I know she’ll be looking to grab a few in this game and will be keeping any defence confused, disordered and completely shaken. Afterwards you’ll find her and Candice singing some awful songs at the top of their voice that you’ll pretty much be forced to sing along to.

If she’s not passed out and you’re trying to carry her home, Hayley’s netted another notch and has markings that give it away the next day. On the pitch this girl’s exquisite goals and ball control has made her a vital part of the team this year. Her ability to find the back of the net each game has made hat-tricks something that comes as standard, lets hope this is something that can continue in this evenings game too.

12. Alice Ladbrooke Central midfield

From Ron Weasley to Arthur and even Paul Scholes, there’s no look that this girl can’t pull off. The same goes for her skills on the pitch from pulling off impressive tackles to a great game play and beautiful goals. She often enjoys taking on 5 players before making a pass and ultimately just taking out any player that’s in her way, whether that be the opposing team or her own, watch your knees, this girl has everyone on their toes.

UPSU ladieS football team Referee: Barry Jackson Assistants: Ian Rothwell and Olly Green

13. Becky Littlehales Center back

14. Kate Nicholls

Vice Captain / Left wing / Striker

This centre back is convinced she’s moving to rugby next year, we’re not sure why, maybe its cause they give her more attention. Saying that, this girl has played through injury for the team from making epic clearances and challenges to filling in as keeper. If it’s not Math she loves, it’s her love for marjons, and driving like a maniac. Its no wonder after crashing into a policeman the team don’t want to get in her car, I jest you not!

15. Jess Brunning Right wing

She may drop the ‘g’ in Brunning to make herself sound ‘ard but this little one has fitted perfectly into the squad. That’s not to say you wont see her everywhere on the pitch causing all defences problems, running the wing and dropping back with her super speedy legs when there’s trouble. Sod the Port challenge this girl holds the title for the Cheese-Ball challenge…38

Thursday 22nd March 17:30-19:00 Plymouth Argyle FC

From Ron Weasley to Arthur and even Paul Scholes, there’s no look that this girl can’t pull off. The same goes for her skills on the pitch from pulling off impressive tackles to a great game play and beautiful goals. She often enjoys taking on 5 players before making a pass and ultimately just taking out any player that’s in her way, whether that be the opposing team or her own, watch your knees, this girl has everyone on their toes.

16. Roisin Cormack Central midfield

Sweaty Slynn as she’s known to the team, we first thought it was just a result from a hot day but her hyperhidrosis is not a reflection to her cool, calm and collected approach to football. Her skill to keep level headed whilst on the pitch an on the ball is outstanding, whilst adapting well with anyone that is put in mid-field makes this girl an encouraging person to have in the squad

UCP MARJON menS football team Referee: Steve Foster Assistants: Dave Harding and Phil Hart

Thursday 22nd March 19:30-21:00 Plymouth Argyle FC

Captains Message After the success of last year for Marjon Football Club we were well aware that it was important to carry on and push forward again.

From winning last year’s league we were promoted to the second highest league available and knew it would be a difficult challenge. We had obviously lost some very good players but were fortunate enough to have decent players attend trials and this helped enable us to establish some good squads.

some convincing wins against Cardiff, Exeter and some hard earned draws. Throughout the season we have had to mix and match with injuries, players being unavailable and several players have played their part in ensuring we have established ourselves in a competitive league. We were very unlucky in the cup going out on penalties which can obviously go either way and on another day may have progressed into the next round. Considering the size of our institution we have done very well and a lot of credit goes to Ben Deacon and others who have helped out throughout the season.

The first game of the season is always a challenging prospect as squads are still being formed and players have to play together for the first time. Our first game was against a good UWE side and we managed to come away with a draw which was a pleasing start.

From there on our season kick started and we had

I’m sure if we play to how we are capable of we will stand a good chance in our Varsity game and hopefully live up to the highs of last year’s game.

A special thanks Boomerangs and Western Power for their sponsorship this year.

Chris Long

Ucp mens Player Profiles Chris Long

Sam

Captain

Goalkeeper Longy has seemed to take a Ledley King approach to his captaincy this year, merely only turning up on game days, whether this is due to his extortionate gambling habits or his frequent dates with ‘peavey’ is yet to be discovered.

Longy is renowned for his severe case of tourette’s during team talks, as well as regularly been as a dribbling mess in the corner of oceana. Chris is a tough tackling full back who often will be heard screaming on the left, once described as somebody who ‘would tackle a brick wall’. Let’s hope Longy can lead the lads to victory!

Sam has recently undergone a drastic image reconstruction which has left him looking like a groupie of One Direction, including the coloured primarni chinos and terrible barnet. The self-given nick name of ‘tekkers’ is as accurate as it is embarrassing to listen to. Despite his Danny Devito like frame, ‘Polo Hands’ has been colossal for the team this year with some commanding performances and has had a great year for the FC on and off the field and will no doubt be looking to end a great personal season on a high, finding his first ever girlfriend. Great Club Captain.

UCP MARJON menS football team Referee: Steve Foster Assistants: Dave Harding and Phil Hart

Josh Norrie

Thursday 22nd March 19:30-21:00 Plymouth Argyle FC

Ian Stonebridge This season has been a tough one for Josh, recently losing the love of his life he has often since been found wandering around with hands in sleeves in the middle of the pitch. Josh’s small frame often leads him resorting to drastic measures especially ‘wrapping up’ up in unnecessary conditions! Norrie’s naivety and misfortune with the women led him to buying a book called ‘The Game’ signs of despair and desperation Norrie is slowly but surely picking up his form both on and off the pitch. Norrie plays with a high level of consistency, a creative player he has proved to be one of most influential players this season!

Ben Flatley

The Argyle legend returns to his former hunting ground. Ian renowned for his magical disappearing act at previous Varsity events, let’s hope that he can manage more minutes this evening that he has combined in his previous varsity appearances (or disappearances!). Stoney who has managed to be conveniently unavailable for a couple of trips this season, has once again managed more goals than appearances this season.

A slightly elder member of the team if Stoney can stay injury free tonight then he hopefully he can reproduce the magic that has previously seen him light up Home Park!

Dave Youldon Ben is a very skilful and talented team player who has a great attitude towards his game and has been a great asset for the first team. Ben has a great left food which provides a constant threat to the opposition although Ben’s set pieces which often struggle to lack quality and direction (like his barnet!). Flatley has found an aggressive streak this year often chucking his weight unnecessarily with other team members, which has caused unrest at times!! Ben has recently sold himself as single, and with a recent case severe case of pink eye maybe there is something Ben needs to tell the boys?!

Ben Clement

Dave is one of those guys who can’t quite find himself a position, a traditional ‘utility player’ whom has found himself in all positions this season, although Youldon tends to play to his strengths in heading and complaining to the referee. Off the pitch, Youldon is the wettest person in the FC and also somewhat socially dead, spending all his available time with his dream girl, apparently saving for a mortgage and a dog, cute! If Youldon can produce the same performance as he did in last year’s varsity fixture then he will definitely be a threat in tonight’s game.

Cody Cooke Ben has had a big impact on the side this year particularly in the changing rooms!

Not renowned as a centre back Ben has made the position his own this season, producing a high level of consistent performances. Ben has also had an international cap, it’s a shame he couldn’t settled his nerves from the spot which knocked us out the cup. Ben’s swinging left football has seen him put in the same category as Robert Hoof, regularly putting into practice the saying ‘if in doubt, kick it out’. Ben’s presence at the centre of the defence has been a great addition to the team this season.

Cody had a great impact on his debut for Marjon, with one touch and one goal great things were expected from the Truro City prospect, since that debut it’s been downhill! Whilst Cody has emerged as a regular at Truro, it has somewhat inflated his ego with several interviews and paper cuttings, he now likes to think of himself as a celebrity around campus. Cody has become a regular in the centre of midfield for Marjon, ‘Mr Sideways’ never loses the ball, yet never gains any yards on the pitch either! Let’s hope Cody turns up tonight showing his early Marjon potential, as we may have found a surface suitable for him to play on.

UCP MARJON menS football team Referee: Steve Foster Assistants: Dave Harding and Phil Hart

Max Webb

Thursday 22nd March 19:30-21:00 Plymouth Argyle FC

Sean Jones Jarhead has made a name for himself for simply the worst haircut seen within the football club. Max started the season in the 3rd team and quickly made his way up to the 1st team squad; he has an eye for goal and is a clinical finisher when a chance presents itself. Webby is a simpleton who can be amused by literally anything and anyone, has often been found out with Chris Long on window licking expeditions Webby’s relationship with Cody has blossomed this year often holding hands together and refusing to share the showers with anyone else but each other, maybe another marriage proposal is on the cards?!

Dejan Maric

Sean has made the step up from the 2nd team last year and has made himself one of our key players this season. Sean’s versatility has been a great gain for the first team this season playing in a variety of positions all of which to a high standard.

Jonesy is never scared of a flutter, particularly on the horses although I’m sure if he could save some of his pennies he will move on from the tub of wet look gel which he soaks his hair in every day.

As well as poor hair substance, Sean also struggles on the styling front, a comb down top with slick down sides and back isn’t the ideal look, although it probably explains Sean’s current lack of female interest.

Jordan Dingle When Dingle isn’t in the library or concentrating on his studies, you will find him on the football pitch. The silent assassin started the season out of position but since then he has been the pitbull at the centre of the park for Marjon, don’t let his baby face put you off Dingle loves a tackle and certainly has an eye for a pass. A dedicated team player Dingle will be sure to run the Uni ragged tonight.

Not the most social member of the team, although a win tonight will surely see Jordan making a long awaited appearance out with the lads!

Dejan is unlucky not to find himself on the pitch today, but apparently we have official linesman... A self proclaimed ladies man, Dejan somewhat let the team down at the start of the year but since then has done well to earn his place back in the first team squad. The Serbian is a tough tackling midfielder who loves to try and get stuck in (especially with the ladies!), although not one of our flair players what he lacks in creativity he makes up for in grit and determination.

Dejan is never short of a word or two to say, let’s hope he can take his foot out his mouth and produce the goods this evening.

Christian Pople

Luke Appleton Christian sports a rather unique image whilst playing football, paying special attention to his idol Laurent Blanc.

Rodney Trotters love child is somewhat of a dark horse and is often seen putting in a shift on the dance floor trying his luck with anything and anyone! Christian is a grafter in the centre of midfield and plays with a high level of energy and determination for the entire game.

Christian has seized his opportunity when given the chance and has become an important player for the team this season!

This season marks the first year where the social secretary role of the FC has been redundant. This has been due to Apps inability to both turn up and organise a p**s up in a brewery. Apps has had a solid season at full back apart from 1 game against UWE where he was awarded MOM for the opposition. Outside of football Luke takes a keen interest in towing caravans, although some would say he often replicates this skill when going up and down the wing! Apps is never short of a few words and has a great presence in the squad.

UCP MARJON menS football team Referee: Steve Foster Assistants: Dave Harding and Phil Hart

Theo Stubbs

Thursday 22nd March 19:30-21:00 Plymouth Argyle FC

Crabby Spending half the season travelling back home at every possibility to check that his missus (who is massively out of his league) is staying faithful, although he has been somewhat unfaithful to the real love in his life, Marjon FC. Theo has played ending up playing a ratio of 1 in 3 games. Saving his energy for when he does play, the all action forward causes defences all sorts of problems and can be a real handful on his day. Mr Tickle is another one of our unsociable players, maybe he can get away from skype this evening to make a long awaited social appearance.

Liam Jones

Heeeeey you guys!! Crabby certainly won’t be fazed by the crowd this evening, as he’s taken time away from his leading role in ‘The Goonies’ to begin his degree in spelling. Probably the most injury prone player in the squad, that’s even including Stonebridge! Crabby was injured for the first part of the season, but since the announcement of varsity being played at Argyle, has miraculously healed from all injuries. Crabby made a great first impression in his first start in a new acting role, this time playing the part of a siv. All round nice guy.

Ben Deacon In case anybody didn’t know who this kid is, he is our vice captain although that is much for debate.

Liam’s loud personality and big frame often dominates the changing rooms discouraging other members from getting involved in the team activities.

Liam has taken a back seat to vice captaincy this season, literally doing nothing!! Although, when on the pitch it is a completely different story, Liam lets his football do the talking and aggressive attacking full back that loves to get up and down the wing, he certainly won’t shy away from tonight’s game.

Current ‘Coach of the Year’ Barry Fry went off the radar before Christmas, having a mid-life crisis which saw him take up a brief career in farming, although he has now found a more long term resolution in unemployment. However, that is the least of his worries, with a hairline that resembles that of a 90 year old and his regular attendance at ‘bums and tums’ Deacs is no longer the man we once knew. Ben has tried to seek permission to socialise with the team but appearances have been few and far between, seeking pocket money from his other half as well as asking for an extension on his curfew is slightly embarrassing for him. Good man, great coach

UPSU MENS football team Referee: Steve Foster Assistants: Dave Harding and Phil Hart

Thursday 22nd March 19:30-21:00 Plymouth Argyle FC

Captains Message Welcome to Football Varsity. First off thank you for coming tonight, the money we raise will be put to a good cause and we are grateful for every penny that has been donated.

Varsity is the biggest night of our year. All the boys at UPFC count down the days until we can fight it out with Marjon and tonight will be a special spectacle. Whilst the venue has got bigger, the intensity and the rivalry between the two clubs has intensified. After a nervous penalty shootout last year, we are hoping to grace Home Park with some top quality football

The first team this year has changed. After winning bucs last time out, we are currently fighting it out at the top of the table; a three nil away win at team bath signifying how far the team has come. The hard work and dedication of the boys was shown as we won the first 13 games of the year, setting a club record in the process. We know every single one of us will have to be at our best tonight but are excited for the challenge.

We are here, at Home Park representing the boys in the stand and what an occasion we have in store.

Get your voices, show your passion and prove why we are the biggest club in Plymouth.

Much Love, Tiges

UPSU Player Profiles Dominic Richards

Fresher, Scorpion, Janner

Ashley Smith

Wet, Speccy 4 eyes, Satchwell’s love child When Dingle isn’t in the library or concentrating on his studies, you will find him on the football pitch. The silent assassin started the season out of position but since then he has been the pitbull at the centre of the park for Marjon, don’t let his baby face put you off Dingle loves a tackle and certainly has an eye for a pass. A dedicated team player Dingle will be sure to run the Uni ragged tonight.

Not the most social member of the team, although a win tonight will surely see Jordan making a long awaited appearance out with the lads!

The monk from mean machine is based on Dom. This angry janner turned up to his debut with two black eyes and a fat lip and despite being the youngest is one of the loudest in the squad. Taking an egg to the eye one night in Jesters, Dommy has fitted in well with the first team this year and will go on to be a UPFC hero. Dumped his girlfriend when Suarez got banned for 8 games

Matt Macdonald

Ronald, Arrogant, Fat, Sallis wannabe, ugly.

Ronald is the only man in the world who takes confidence from having no friends.

Regularly seen down the back alleys of C103 with white ace foaming from his mouth crying out Alfie’s name. Ron’s has got a worse body than Sallis and is not as good looking as Greeny - he hates it.

Ignoring the cry for help that is his life, the first team vice captain has the heart of a lion and his dominant personality has been vital this year. His performance against Exeter was one of the best individual performances the first team has seen. Also his nans a promiscuous old mole from the Exeter slums.

Aaron Satchwell Spock

Despite turning up half an hour late to every meet ever, usually without pants or his boots, Satchy is a teacher. Without meaning to be he is the funniest man in the squad with strict teacher banter.

After coincidently ending up teaching his girlfriend on placement, Satch got in trouble with the school board for giving her an A. Since his starring role on Star Trek, Satch likes to spend his days sunbathing, reading and doing Sudoku. On the pitch this left back is a menace and his left foot has unleashed screamers this year. Earnt his stripes by finishing a Union from 40 yards.

UPSU MENS football team Referee: Steve Foster Assistants: Dave Harding and Phil Hart

Josh Haynes

Wolf, The Big Bad Wolf

Matt Sallis

Meh, Shit abs, Mens Health no one cares, Oreo Matt Sallis works out. Played first team 4 years ago before getting a (shit) tattoo that resulted in septicaemia and a coma.

He survived that because he’s a hero.

Now, after getting on the cover of Men’s Health he’s back where he belongs.

Prefers an oreo to a custard cream (edit that Nadine!!). All the potential to be a ladies man instead sallies loves to ignore the girls in the SU and tell stories of his weightlifting to as many men as possible.

Mehhh mehh mehh abs workout mehh.

This feisty little full back is as strong as an ox, and on the times he’s managed to tear himself away from a photo shoot, has put in some commanding performances this year.

Starting under the seconds with Tiger last year, Wolfy has developed into the first choice left back. “With performances like that, imagine what he would be like if he wasn’t morbidly obese” (Binney, F. 2012). Smokes his inhaler like a pipe and famously drank so much on an away trip that he passed out in the SU. Big lad for next year and we don’t just mean those pepperoni nipples! Wolfy shaves his back 17 times a week. A popular member of the squad, Wolfy’s a great lad to have around and a vital player for next year.

Evan Day

ED, Spaghetti, Chips and beans

Andrew Keenan

Ken, Dope, IQ, Eddy With 5 people left at Staddy, Keenan booked a standered taxi because ‘a normal car has 5 seats and there are 5 of us left’ which is all you need to know about Keenan. Keenan walks around like a drunk cat and regularly has to be told where he is and what he’s meant to be doing. Studies colouring at Dartford, our Ken won’t feel any pressure tonight because he won’t really understand what’s going on. He is however a centre back who will die for the cause and has been one of the stand out performers this year.

If he learns to read and write he will be a future first team captain.

Evan spends his week nights in the kids ward at the hospital telling stories of his days playing for Bristol Rovers. Everyone in the squads knows of this boy’s talent, apart from Binney. Evan famously created the ‘Get binney out’ facebook group after one too many insults from the big Bin dawg. He also holds the world record for least amount of pushups possible from a grown human-being, with 5. The second team players player of the year last year, you will see how good this boy really is on the night. Ev’s got voted least likely to have anyone turn up to his funeral in a recent edition of first team team mates, but a big performance tonight will sure to at least fill up the front row.

Dan Green

Blue, Yellow, Orange Greeny is a 26th year Architecture student who is fit. Lives with his bird, he has two cats which is definitely a tid.

Some people say that he missed the first two bucs game because he and his girlfriend had to meet a sex therapist but Greeny has since gone on to complete the Karma Sutra 9 times. One of the most popular members of the squad, Greeny’s desire, passion and heart, earnt him his place in the squad and he has not let a soul down since.

Thursday 22nd March 19:30-21:00 Plymouth Argyle FC

Dan Mason

Shit Maguire, ADHD Mase dawg cannot concentrate. Regularly bringing his conkers and Pokemon cards to training you will not see this boy stand still. However he has developed into a UPFC legend and took us on the best tour of our lives last year. He is the best player to ever grace the first team shirt and despite missing out on first team captain Mason has ripped teams to shreds this year. A keen follower of the ‘stand and wipe’.

UPSU MENS football team Referee: Steve Foster Assistants: Dave Harding and Phil Hart

Adam Grech

Toff, Yawn, Berbatov, ‘please, please be my friend’ first team driver.

Greg Palmer

Annoying, Goofy, Carrot, first team driver This boy will annoy you, spit in your pint, , and tease you for having a life threatening illness. Unfortunately for Greg the hive provided transport for tonight so his car wasn’t need so he probably won’t be involved. On his way home from a night shift in the summer Greggy got pulled over by the police for hammering his horn constantly on his way through a village at 6 in the morning. He was by himself.

He is only in the first team because he’s best friends with the captain. Technically, he’s got tekkers and his vision and passing stands out. If there are any ivory hunters watching tonight give him a shout because there’s got to be about a grand’s worth stored up in those massive teeth.

Joking aside, the first team missed that lad greatly when he got injured at the beginning of the year.

Grechos dad paid 20 grand a term to send him to a private school which ended up with him failing his first year of uni. At Plymouth. Studying Marketing. Be aware of this toffs banter bus because it’s brutal, Made Ronald cry with his disgusting upper class tongue. Grech sleeps for 17 hours a night and regularly rocks out the cigars and gilets but on the pitch he is.. nothing to be honest, you won’t notice him tonight. P.s. Mrs Grech somebody got a tattoo that they don’t want mummy to find out about. Ripped team Bath to shreds with power and precision including a 40 yard screamer to finally put them away.

Jonny Elliot

Thursday 22nd March 19:30-21:00 Plymouth Argyle FC

Christian Tendi

Goater, Grandad

The Rock, Mudblood, Goater smokes and wears a hat. Once you’ve got that down you know most aspects about his life. He’s two years younger than Fred and when he’s not cooking food for Donaldson he’s on the fruit machine. A player of outstanding ability, Goater played the first varsity back when there was no crowd because of the imminent threat of a German attack. An orrible janner who despite winning a grand every week in the casino, can’t seem to afford a new hat.

Joe Moore

Tendi is big and black and a hero. “He has the greatest right foot of any footballer outside the premier league” (Binney, F. 2012) and his pace and goals have destroyed teams this year. Tendi is famous for having the best conversion rate on the pitch but worst conversion rate after a date. You wouldn’t say this to his face but he swims like a little girl after taking his lessons from Disco lols . Scored three goals in two Varsity’s since starting at UP, big things are expected of him tonight. Has a bet with Tiger that if he doesn’t score at Home Park he will do a naked run around the Uni. Arrogant. I love Tendi. Wears his Armani suit to C103 on a Wednesday because he’s the don.

Romaine Mouc??

Nettles, Goblin

French popcorn fart, Sailor, C103 animal, Manwell Since getting pushed into some nettles on father fresh, Nettles has been a huge character in the club. Battles with Tiger for worst accent and with his 6 year old sister for weakest body. Apparently he’s got a good job already next year but no one cares. Despite Keenan hating this lads arrogance he has earnt his way back into the starting fold since coming back from a bad injury and will be desperate to end his impressive UPFC career on a high tonight. Top lad.

Rom is the French dynamo of the team.

Spent last year sailing around the Mediterranean with just him and 12 other old men, Romaine returned to cement his place in the first team squad. Shouts ‘ta mere’ at every opportunity and screams.

Alot. An animal on the dancefloor, Romaine has averaged 5 nights out a week this year, the old French mole.

Also his third varsity, the lad hasn’t lost one yet.

UPSU MENS football team Referee: Steve Foster Assistants: Dave Harding and Phil Hart

Gary Simmons

Shaun Frost

Tiger, the Captain, Big Dog of the Yard, little rat, Pikey

Simmo, Ivorybridge, Massive time Simmo is cute. After destroying Marjon at varsity two years ago, he has since gone on to become a UPFC hero. Makes full backs cry with his disgusting abuse but Simmo is the gentleman of the squad, hanging around outside C103 with Heathy reminiscing about their 16 years at the club. Simmo wrote a 40 page letter to a 5-aside league expressing his disgust at the facilities and referee standards as they fell well short of those he gets at Ivorybridge. His pace and power destroys teams. We will get a penalty today, and it will be a Simmo dive that earns it. Tonight is a massive end to massive influence at UPFC for Gazza.

What can i say, this kid has the whole package............ lols jokes,. Annoyed everyone by pulling a worldy misses he was brought back down to earth when she bought him fake tan and protein for Christmas. He hasn’t taken the hint.

Fighting for the teams worst dressed and biggest pikey against Graff, Tiges has a head like a 20 piece and is the laziest player in the world. All this said he some how manages to score goals despite being a little Goblin. Best mates with Tom Davidson and despite regular attempts from the students union to ban him from our team Tiger captained the first team to a 13 game winning steak this year. Our deserved Captain and a lad that is loved by all!!!!!!

Fred Binney

Ben Graff

Graffy, Exeter striker, Humpty Dumpty, Barry Gibb Graffy spends his mornings waiting for the off license to open with Becks so he can buy White Ace. He is a choad. He’s worked hard on his tour body with Wolf for the past few weeks and is ready for his third varsity. Graffy is a work horse and gives his all in every game. Another player who earnt his strips under Tiger last year in the seconds, Graffy has added goals to his game this year and is the most improved player in the squad.

But still, he’s a choad.

The Big Dawg, El President Fred is our coach and one of the boys.

Played for Argyle as a lad and against Pele in America. Fred is royalty. Kicked off when Tiger explained that a 4-5-2 formation probably wouldn’t be allowed and disappeared for two weeks when his wife put his mobile in the wash. Fred loves the boys and the boys love Fred, tonight’s spirit will be dedicated to the senile face of UPFC.