Absurd: Wake plans to move campus to Wake Forest, N.C. Page 6
Absurdier: Why you should tune Absurdiest: Chaz the Cat makes long-awaited return out Subway tuna Page 12 Page 8
Absurdiest: Moe's sucks alot Page 14
The OGBYN
Wake Forest's satirical news outlet since this morning VOL. 107, NO. 21
A P R I L FO O L S DAY 2 0 21 “Cover s the campus like brick buildings”
wfuogb.com
University set to relax drug policy Jack Kerouac novel inspires change of heart on drug policy for university officials BY JACK PORTMAN Staff Writer portjt17@wfu.edu
After reading Jack Kerouac’s classic novel “On the Road”, Associate Dean of Student Conduct Jim Simpson announced on Monday that he has opted to revise the sections of the student code of conduct regarding drug use. “After reading about Dean and Sal’s experiences using drugs and alcohol to expand their worldviews and pursue fleeting hedonistic pleasure, I’ve decided that my office will no longer prosecute student drug and alcohol violations on campus,” Simpson said in an interview on Monday. After finishing the novel, Simpson decided to smoke a joint for the first time in his life.
See Drugs, Page 4 Katie Fox/ Old Gold & Black
“Golden Corral accurately reflects the beliefs and values of Wake Forest,” reads a press release. “Golden Corral’s slogan, ‘The only one for everyone,’ mirrors the pro humanitate ideal that our school embodies."
Golden Corral selected to replace Moe's in Benson University officials hope that the new partnership with Golden Corral will restore Wake Forest to glory BY ALEXANDRA KARLINCHAK Editor-in-Chief karlae18@wfu.edu Next fall, the infamous cries of “Welcome to Moe’s” will no longer ring throughout the far-too-overpopulated Benson University Center food court. Instead, the quiet gurgling of a mysteriously viscous chocolate fountain will take its place. In a press release published late Tuesday afternoon, it was announced that Moe’s Southwest Grill will be replaced by a far larger, buffet-style chain — Golden Corral. In a copy of the 21-page press release obtained by the Old Gold & Black, the Wake
Forest Office of Development explained in excruciatingly ornate details the reason behind the culinary change. “Golden Corral accurately reflects the beliefs and values of Wake Forest University,” the press release reads. “Golden Corral’s slogan, ‘The only one for everyone,’ mirrors the Pro Humanitate ideal that our school embodies. Additionally, this business move allows for the strategic implementation of an unlimited number of puns. The literal and figurative profit we will make from this decision is truly incomprehensible.” The press release also contains a blueprint of the Golden Corral floor plan. As showcased in the press release, the new restaurant will extend upwards into the third floor of the Benson Center. Head of construction Robert D. Bulder says that the transition from Tex-Mex
grab-and-go to bustling buffet will begin the first reading-day of finals in an attempt to disrupt as many people as humanly possible. “We have decided to prioritize this construction project in Benson over residence hall revitalization efforts,” Bulder said. “It took us seven years to get around to Piccolo, so I think that students in Bostwick won’t really mind waiting.” While many administrators are excited about this project, some students remain wary. “I just don’t know how to feel about Moe’s being replaced by the Motel 6 of restaurants,” said freshman Cate Pitterle. “I am honestly confused. How are we going to have a buffet when we already have the Pit? The Pit is the Golden Corral of dining halls … this is all too meta for me.”
See Golden Corral, Page 5
New C2C will discuss merit of C2Cs As students wonder about the value of discussion groups, the university offers a solution BY ELLE WOODS Visiting Writer from the Harvard Crimson woods@harvard.edu
Discussion groups, including the “Calls to Conversation” initiative, have been a core tenet of the university’s response to social issues raised by students on campus. Some, though, feel that Wake Forest’s discussion group model — which aims to address these controversies — is all talk and no action. In light of these new concerns among students, administrators announced the formation of the Commission on Evaluating Discussion Groups. The group will feature prominent professors on oration and communication, as well as two students, who will be selected when President Hatch himself throws a dart at a 5,000-slot rotating board.
See C2C, Page 7
OGBYN
“ use a laugh (or two) We all could This column represents the views of the OGBYN Editorial Board.
Welcome, and happy April Fools’ Day from the Editorial Staff of the Old Gold & Black. If your multiple midterm weeks were anything like ours, we’re sure you’d agree that “Work Forest” is certainly living up to its name. But all work and no play doesn’t work for anyone. That’s why this week, we decided to play. Inside this issue, things look a bit different than usual. We’re hesitant to call anything we do here at the OGB “fake news,” but (almost) every story you’ll read in this week’s issue is satirical (save one piece you can
On behalf of this satirical news publication, we hope the absurdity contained within this issue is good for a couple of chuckles. find on page 15). The last time April Fool’s Day fell on a Thursday was exactly one decade ago. Eons, right? Simply put, the opportunity was too good to pass up. So, we took a break from our typical hard-hitting news coverage to embody The Onion as best we could. If you are interested in reading the actual news — which we contend
is quite boring and not worth reading — you can do that too at www. wfuogb.com. Also, a special thank you to some of the funniest folks on campus involved in Fake Worest and The Lilting Banshees. We couldn’t be more thrilled to be featuring content from their talented teams in this special April Fools’ issue, and we invite you to check both of them out on Instagram @FakeWorest and @LiltingBanshees, respectively (if, for some ungodly reason, you aren’t already). As with every issue of the OGB (dubbed the OGBYN this week), the
end result wouldn’t be possible without the hard work and dedication of our staff and all those who contributed. On behalf of this satirical news publication, we hope the absurdity contained within this issue is good for a couple of chuckles. As you’ll soon see, we poke fun at everyone, and anything we publish this week is meant entirely in jest. So, until the next factual news cycle comes around, this is the editorial staff of the OGBYN, officially signing off. Spread some joy and laughter today — Lord knows we need it.
The OGBYN Wake Forest's best (and only) satirical news source as of this morning ALEXANDRA KARLINCHAK KEEPER-OF-MEMES karlae18@wfu.edu
BEN CONROY ANDY GRAMMER conrbd19@wfu.edu
>> NEWS
Cate Pitterle, pittcj20@wfu.edu Aine Pierre, pierav20@wfu.edu
Asst. Julia Ochsenhirt, ochsja20@wfu.edu
>> OPINION
Connor Mcneely, mcnecb19@wfu.edu
>> SPORTS
Christina DeNovio, denoca20@wfu.edu Essex Thayer, thayse20@wfu.edu
Asst. Jake Stuart, stuaja20@wfu.edu
>> LIFE
Micah Porter, portmj19@wfu.edu Selinna Tran, transn19@wfu.edu
>> PHOTOGRAPHY
Katie Fox, foxkg19@wfu.edu
>> SOCIAL MEDIA
Anna Bloch, blocae19@wfu.edu
>> ADVISER
Phoebe Zerwick, zerwicp@wfu.edu
CHARLIE BENEDICT MR. KRABS
benecc19@wfu.edu
WILL ZIMMERMAN MR. STEAL-YOUR-GIRL zimmwj19@wfu.edu
>> POLICIES
The Old Gold & Black is published Thursdays during the school year, except during examinations, summer and holiday periods, by Triangle Printing of Durham. © 2014 WFU Media Board. All rights reserved. The views expressed in all editorials and advertisements contained within this publication do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the OGB. As part of our commitment to reporting news fairly and accurately, we will not remove any previously published content. If an error in either our online or print content is brought to our attention, we will revise the originally published article with an appended correction. In order to facilitate thoughtful and appropriate debate, profane, vulgar, or inflammatory comments on our website are not allowed and will be deleted. For more information on our commenting policy, please see our website. We reserve the right to reject advertisements deemed inappropriate. Our full policy, and how to advertise with the OGB, can be found on our website.
>> SUBMISSIONS
The OGB welcomes submissions in the form of story tips, columns and letters to the editor. Letters to the editor should be fewer than 500 words, and columns should be around 500 words. Send yours via e-mail to karlae18@wfu.edu the Monday before publication. We reserve the right to edit all letters for length and clarity. No anonymous letters will be printed.
>> ONLINE MEDIA
Web: wfuogb.com Facebook: facebook.com/ogb1916 Twitter: @wfu_ogb Instagram: @wfu_ogb Snapchat: @wfu_ogb
Want to write for us? Email
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Page 3 | Thursday, April 1, 2021
OGBYN | April Fools!
Deacon Profile: A Bostwick Rat
tations and truly do something great in this world. I admire that. Although, I think Remy was too nice to humans. Like I said before, suffering is how we get out of this crisis of confidence you humans are facing.
BY AINE PIERRE News Editor pierav20@wfu.edu
Reuben the Rat was born in the shadowy, musty basement of Bostwick Hall and has never seen the sun. He learned English by overhearing 18 years worth of drunk midnight conversations over Moe’s, which he later would eat (and then learn not to). His life goal is to enroll in Wake Forest as a business major and eventually become the first rodent president of Wake Forest, with the possible exception of Washington Manly Wingate, whose special identity is unknown to this day.
Why do you have so much animus toward humans? Please understand, I don’t hate humans. We rats need humans to survive (who else’s crumbs are we going to eat?), which is why I fear for you all. You all have become too soft. I recently read “The History of the Decline of the Roman Empire” by Edward Gibbon for a class I was taking (really, it was some doe-eyed freshman in Bostwick taking it, but I was doing the lion’s share of the learning while he drooled in front of the screen), and I get it. You can’t let yourself be taken to pleasure. Do you know how much debauchery I hear in a night? It really makes me fear for the future.
What does a day in your life look like? It really depends on the day and the time of year. For example, during midterms season, I’m basically a zombie. I mean, honestly, how can you expect a rat to sleep through the sound of every student in the hall crying themselves to sleep? Then there’s the weekend, when everyone is either getting drunk and screaming at the top of their lungs or trying to woo someone — it’s just exhausting. The summer months are very peaceful for me, though. Without students, I can melt into the basement in peace, and I don’t even really mind the mold — although, you would think they would have taken care of that by now. But on most days, I get up, I eat some crumbs off the floor of some crusty kid’s room and then take a nap. Sometimes, I even attend a couple of lectures on the topics that I’m interested in. What are your academic interests? Have you ever thought of pursuing a degree? I’m really interested in politics, business and health and exercise science (which, I suppose, is ironic for a disease-carrying rodent. The other two are kind of spot on if you stereotype me as a typical rodent). There was a class on corruption that I found really interesting, though I generally do not like the use of rat metaphors when they equate to something bad, like “I smell a rat.” Give me a break, you smell a human — humans suck, we’re just trying to eat. I've definitely given thought to pursuing my doctorate degree. I want to
You speak (and clearly read) very well. How did you learn English?
Katie Fox/ Old Gold & Black
go into education administration, and so I would need some level of higher education for that. The thing is that rats generally are not, how shall we say, accepted in the academic sphere. But I’m getting my application together to actually apply to Wake Forest for this year. I’m actually getting my top 10 list together. I have considerable legacy, as my entire family going back hundreds of generations were residents of Wake Forest. We even came over here from the original campus — here’s a picture of my great-great-yada-yada grandfather and grandmother on the original campus in 1834. We were here before you, and we will be here after you. After undergrad, I’m thinking of travelling the world. I hear rats in New York City get decent pizza and not what the Pit passes for it, so I’m excited to travel there. And then, I want to come back and become the first non-human president of the university. Why do you want to be president of Wake Forest?
Honestly, have you seen this place lately? All you humans are running around, partying and poisoning yourselves and just wasting your academic potential. I want to impose a rigorous academic curriculum and make you humans understand what it’s like to crawl to survive, to live in the shadows, to climb up and make something of yourself. Also, there needs to be more cheese on this campus. Like, a lot more. So that’s my platform — human suffering and cheese. Oh, and I think we need to get rid of Moe’s. I mean, how do you people eat that stuff? I’m genetically conditioned to eat raw sewage and even I had diarrhea for weeks. Okay ... so, who do you see as your role models? Well, I really look up to Remy from the documentary “Ratatouille”. I watched it a couple of months ago, and it’s fantastic! It really showed me that we rats can make something of ourselves. We can break all the expec-
Network television, reading the Old Gold & Black until I cried and drunk conversations with roommates. I basically learned English the way Frankenstein’s Monster did. There was also this ethereal bisexual stoner a couple of years ago. One night she got so high that she actually decided to talk to me. We had a lot of fun. We would talk whenever she got high, and we had a good rapport going. Then she got a boyfriend and spent all her time while high with him. I did learn some choice expressions from that interaction, especially when they broke up at the end of the year. But anyway, yeah, that’s how I learned. Anything else to add? Honestly and all jokes aside, just stop discounting things that aren’t like you. You know, we have souls, too. There’s so much time spent in this world looking down upon beings that we never get to see how everyone is exceptional. Anyone can be anything. I mean, they made cauliflower into pizza, right? The only thing that’s impossible is Moe’s ever being good. I mean, seriously, people. Editor's Note: This article has been edited for brevity and clarity.
UNTOLD STORIES OF THE OGB(YN) - President Hatch sits in on a sexual psychology class - SneezSafe becomes sentient and threatens to physically harm students - ROTC begins practicing trench warfare on Manchester Quad - President Hatch spotted landing nasty kickflips around campus - Provost Kersh breaks Guinness World Record for longest consecutive plank on Hearn Plaza while Dean Adam Goldstein cheers him on - Someone’s locked in the Wake Radio office … they’ve been playing distress signals on the airwaves for days, but no one’s come to help - Print copies of OGB replaced with Diary of a Wimpy Kid manuscripts, no one notices - Demon Deacon joins cross-country motorcycle gang - Taco truck brought on campus by Student Government deemed super-spreader event - Pit to introduce “Salmonella Sundays” where it will serve its chicken as usual
- Elon Musk hired to head up Wake Forest’s newly formed Air & Space Department - Beginning in 2022-23, tuition payments will be able to be submitted via Dogecoin - Psy releases “Gangnam Style 2” - Wake Forest nuclear bunkers to be converted into nightclubs - Last Resort opens at 200% capacity - Village Juice releases beverage entitled “Organic Compost” to public - Confused Nicolas Cage spotted in tunnels beneath Wake Forest’s campus trying to steal Declaration of Independence - Student spotted outside Benson University Center hasn’t moved in days, describes himself as “straight posted” - Wake Forest announces new study abroad program in Wales entitled “Wake Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch”
April Fools! | OGBYN
Thursday, April 1, 2021| Page 4
Drugs: New policy scraps consumption rules Continued from Page 1 Soon thereafter, he decided that his office’s stance on student drug consumption was stifling the university’s intellectual environment. According to Simpson, “After my ego dissolved, I realized that capitalism is a fragile artifice that thrives on the subjugation of the human spirit, really some Marxist [expletive] if you think about it. Then I thought, damn, this stuff could really generate some cutting-edge scholarship from our student body. Then my doorbell rang and it was a delivery guy from Papa John’s. Apparently I’d ordered pizza and totally forgot about it, which was, like, a great surprise.” Under the Student Code of Conduct’s existing guidelines, students found to possess minor quantities of illicit drugs may be placed on disciplinary probation and required to complete the BASICS 1:1 course. However, under Simpson’s forthcoming rule-change, students will be allowed to consume drugs and alcohol on university property and at universitysponsored functions, so long as they provide proof of willingness to share.
“I really think this is a turning point for the university,” Simpson said. “Like, take Foucault or Barthes … There’s no way those two weren’t using copious amounts of drugs. So we’re supposed to teach them in our courses but say, ‘nah, y’all aren’t allowed to smoke a bowl on a Friday night?’ After getting high for the first time last week, that notion no longer makes sense to me.” Student Body President Samantha Wait — visibly inebriated — applauded Simpson’s plans in a press conference Tuesday morning. “So, like, [inaudible] sorry, so like what I was trying to say is … Hold on I lost my train of thought ... Oh [expletive], yeah, so I think Mister, uh Doctor, uhhh Dean Simpson makes a great point and … So I just think we should, like, take a minute to show humanitate, and, um, right, so the point is that you won’t get in trouble for like, you know, having drugs now,” Wait said. The changes to these regulations were hailed by Carter Johnson, a student recently suspended for his involvement in a drug trafficking ring that served students at Duke, UNC and Wake Forest.
“I wasn’t really excited about having to explain to potential employers that I was moving hundreds of kilos of cocaine across state lines when I was a junior in college,” Johnson said. “But now I’m off scot [expletive] free thanks to the new regulations.” Along with relaxing the university’s restrictions, Simpson has new plans for
the student code of conduct. He plans to revise sections of the code that relate to on-campus parking and plans to impose steeper penalties. “I’m sick and [expletive] tired of kids parking in the C lot during the workday,” Simpson said. “From now on, if I see that [expletive], I’m cutting your [expletive] brakes. No warnings either.”
Jack Portman/Old Gold & Black
After reading “On the Road” by Jack Kerouac, Associate Dean of Student Conduct decided to relax the university’s drug policies.
University launches fire alarm wellness program of fire alarms instead of, say, add- scheduling contribute to your wellThe university has increased the ing a few days off? ness plan? number of fire alarms to promote outdoor activity during midterms Administrator: Well, we don’t want A: Oh, those were just vapes setBY KATIE FOX Staff Writer foxkg19@wfu.edu
As pressure mounts from students demanding any semblance of a Spring Break or an expansion upon the two modest-at-best “Wellness Days” written into the otherwise normal semester calendar, university officials recently announced that they have listened to these concerns and generated a creative solution. Fire alarms, once known to alert residents and building occupants of a fire-related emergency, are now scheduled to interrupt Wake Forest students’ lives to provide them an opportunity to enjoy the beautiful North Carolina springtime weather. “We just thought, you know, these kids really need a break,” said one university administrator, who wished to remain anonymous because their name is embarrassing. “And what better way to achieve that than to set off the fire alarm every few days to give them a chance to get outside and breathe in the fresh air. Our students are always stuck inside studying, so we’re just trying to promote healthy habits.” While the administrator requested their name be excluded, they did grant the Old Gold & Black permission to publish the transcript from our interview. Interviewer: What inspired you to opt for increasing the prevalence
students to be traveling during the pandemic, as even one day off could mean that the remaining 30% of Greek life could contract COVID-19. Instead, we thought shorter breaks for concentrated cohorts of residents to gather in large groups outside their building for 15 minutes — or until the fire trucks arrive — were a viable solution. I mean, the last thing we want is individuals going home to their families. It’s also a great opportunity for contacttraced students to see their friends for a few minutes amidst their otherwise lonely self-quarantining period. Finally, the fire alarms also force students to reevaluate and reflect upon their lives as the threat of a fire, which could burn their rooms and possessions, momentarily occupies some headspace. I: How do you decide when to schedule the alarms? A: This was one of the trickier parts of our plan. We definitely wanted to interrupt class for as many students as possible because we thought doing so would give them a nice break from droning professors and notetaking. We also know midterms can be a bore, so we’ve tried to give some students a rest about halfway through their exam periods. I: Some students have reported fire alarms ringing in the middle of the night, and sometimes multiple times in a single night. How does this
ting off the alarms on their own. We didn’t schedule those. We did consider using night hours to wake students up abruptly so that, when they went back to sleep, they enjoyed it more. Unfortunately, we were informed by HR that we were edging into CIA sleep-deprivation territory. It should be on the record that we only tried that once, and from then on, all wellness-related fire alarms have been scheduled during daylight hours. I: Do you take weather into consideration when you plan each event? A: We try to anticipate the sunshine as much as possible, but last week we had an intern go rogue and set one off during the thunderstorm. Honestly, I thought it was pretty funny seeing sorority girls standing in the pouring rain, but our boss did not agree. That, unfortunately, won’t happen many more times. I: How effective has this program been since its implementation? A: We see the students gathering on the quad and in the courtyards of residence halls during class hours as a huge success. The only feedback we’ve received from students is that some professors don’t appreciate them leaving class during important discussions, so their participation scores are significantly docked. I think those professors really need to
get that stick out of their [expletive]. We only wish we could implement fire alarms in professors’ homes, too. That plan was also discouraged by HR. I: Do you have any goals or changes you would like to make to the fire alarm plan after observing its effect on students? A: We hope to reach every student by the end of the semester, though it’s hard to keep track of how many students are in the building at each time. For dorms like Efird and Magnolia, we realized we may have overscheduled alarms, but it’s still a new system, so there are obviously going to be issues we need to work out. Aside from that, we’re confident that this is a good use of our time and resources and have no intention of stopping our flourishing fire alarm wellness program any time soon. The Office of Residence Life & Housing sent out an email on March 19 stating, “Be assured that our alarms are functioning properly and doing what they should.” Students should interpret this to mean that the alarms are following the new wellness schedule put into effect by the university, and they should take every opportunity to enjoy the time outdoors when prompted to exit the building due to a “fire emergency.” Contrary to the misnomer, these alarms should not, in fact, alarm you. Instead, students should appreciate the university’s effort to promote wellness in combination with their efficient answer to demands for a break.
April Fools!| OGBYN
Thursday, April 1, 2021 | Page 5
Golden Corral: Moe’s replacement announced Continued from Page 1
Sophomore Selinna Tran echoed Pitterle’s thoughts. “I hate Golden Corral,” Tran said. “The thought of that terrible establishment being on this campus raises my basal body temperature by 4 degrees [Fahrenheit]. I can feel my proteins denaturing within me as we speak.” Pitterle and Tran are joining forces with a group of 60 other students to protest the new culinary addition. But administrators will not budge. They are insisting that the introduction of a Golden Corral on campus will both improve the restaurant’s reputation and boost the school back into top-25 territory. How either of those seemingly impossible feats will occur is currently unknown. According to Golden Corral CEO Prance Brenary, the Wake Forest Office of Development reached out to the buffet chain on Jan. 19 to negotiate a partnership. “We are ecstatic to expand our business by building on a college campus for the first time,” Brenary said. “I am honestly surprised that Wake Forest was the first to reach out — I always thought we would first expand to a campus like Appalachian State. Nonetheless, we are happy to become a part of the Demon Deacon family!” The university will be hosting a Corral to Conversation to hear student feedback later this month.
Graphic Courtesy of Katie Fox
Students have protested the arrival of Golden Corral on campus to no avail. University administrators insist that the restaurant will bump Wake Forest into the top-25 in national rankings.
Deacon Narcotics Patrol invades Johnson
The DNP braved the desolate conditions of Johnson to find a dark secret lurking underground BY CONNOR MCNEELY Opinions Editor mcnecb19@wfu.edu
It’s over. I can’t hide this from anyone anymore. Everyone who knows me or has been in contact with me over these past couple of weeks has noticed that there’s something deeply wrong with me. Today is the day that the truth comes out, no matter what the cost. Last week on a covert mission with the DNP (Deacon Narcotics Patrol), I infiltrated the depths of Johnson Residence Hall. In retrospect, I really don’t know how I didn’t realize that this was a suicide mission, through and through. In my debrief, everything remained classified (I went in completely blind, not knowing what lay ahead of me, nor the life-endangering risks that I would end up taking). Going in, all I had was some intel about people that didn’t have their masks on in one of the basement common rooms. So, my commanding officer looked to her best, brightest and most passionate snitch on the entire campus. Naturally, I went all out. I remember thinking to myself, how could I let such a super-spreader event occur under my watch? If I was going to protect every single student on campus, I knew such could only be accomplished
by going into people’s rooms, one by one, and making sure that each and every individual had their masks on. I also knew that my holy crusade must begin in the belly of the beast — the Johnson basement. A place where few, if any, students strayed. As a proud alumnus of Angelou Residence Hall, I had only heard the legends about this dark biohazard of a dormitory on campus. We told each other the stories we had overheard as we played games on our air-hockey tables and spoke over the incredibly immersive audio system and giant TVs in our media rooms. Yet, my fellow Angelou brethren and I understood that nothing could possibly compare to the nightmarish events that occurred within the walls of Johnson itself. We wondered in awe about the sizes of their rooms — it was rumored that empty singles were a disciplinary measure used by the administration for solitary confinement. There were times at night when I would gaze over my reflection in the mirror above my sink in my vast double, wondering what it would be like if I didn’t have any of this. If we’re being honest here, Johnsonites are easy to spot. I mean, they were handselected by Res Life, condemned to suffer for a year in the depths of despair. Now don’t get me wrong, some of them might not deserve it, but after a year or even a semester in that dorm, who amongst us wouldn’t turn to the dark side? Broken air purifiers, heads busting through walls — the list goes on and on. The place was ripe
for the picking, and I was beyond ready to contact some residential advisors and annoy the campus police. I ventured into that darkness on March 6, a time I carefully chose so I could catch wrongdoers coming back from darties hoping for a Saturday evening snooze. Armed with my trusty walkie-talkie and dripping with 10-pocketed cargo-pant swag, I crept into the dorm and awaited action. As I descended down the stairs into the lowest floor, my heart skipped a beat when the overhead lights of the corridor suddenly went out. A dark figure loomed some 20 feet away. Believe me when I tell you this: that night, I saw a seven-foot-tall reptilian standing across from me. It was only af-
ter I called out to the creature to identify itself that I watched it transform back a Johnson resident — a red puffer jacket somehow rising out of her green flesh. Before I could escape, I realized there was a strange smell in the air. It was as if someone had rolled around the floor of DKE, covering their undergarments with sweat and vomit before taking them to Subway and toasting them in a meatball sub, then dunking said sub in a vat of Pit dishwater, eating said sub, throwing up said sub, scattering the remains of the regurgitation on the upper quad, re-collecting these remains and then storing them in a Tupperware container placed inside of the air ventilation system for years … decades ... eons, even.
Graphic Courtesy of Sean Jones
The DNP agent discovered a terrifying figure with a strange scent lurking inside the depths of the Johnson Hall basement.
OGBYN | April Fools!
Page 6 | Thursday, April 1, 2021
SneezSafe reworked to hide COVID-19 cases SneezSafe now includes a $77,342 paywall to avoid a call from Student Health Services BY COOPER SULLIVAN Staff Writer sullcg20@wfu.edu The company tasked with running Wake Forest’s first and only line of defense against a fourth COVID-19 outbreak on campus has been receiving a hail of backlash over the past 24 hours after a new survey question was revealed without a proper warning email from the administration noting the change. The new question only appears if you click on the red frowning face at the beginning of the survey. Before the update, marking that you felt sick would prompt a call from Student Health Services. With the update, students now have the yes/no option to defer this call with a “simple and secure one-time payment of $77,342.” Most students who reach this question do not have an issue with submitting the payment, but some have raised concerns. For these students, sporting miniscule thumbs and expansive luck is required — SneezSafe has programmed the page so that the “yes” option takes up the entire screen, and both the options are green. If “no” is miraculously chosen, the app will assume it was a mistake and instantly charge the parent’s Venture Credit Card from Capital One. What’s in your wallet? A lot less money, that’s what.
“I tried to click on ‘no’ but I guess my thumb slipped,” freshman Hadley Bahr said. “Seconds later, I got a call from my mom but she wasn’t the one talking to me. It was some deep, scary voice saying that there wasn’t enough money in the bank account connected to my WIN and that they would need some other form of payment. Then I heard my mom screaming in the background and the phone call disconnected.” “But, hey, at least I’m not going to the hotel,” she added. “Win-win, I guess.” SneezSafe has also updated the reminder texts it sends out to students who do not fill out the surveys, making these messages more threatening and personalized. Junior Nick Chihlas sent in a screenshot of one of the ominous messages he woke up to on March 29. “Chili — stupid nickname, by the way — we here at SneezSafe see you haven’t been filling out the daily surveys we send you,” the message reads. “Very inconsiderate, Chili. We hope that this behavior changes before a hypothetical hitman breaks into your Magnolia dorm (301, first room on the left, the bed below the ‘ain’t no laws when you’re drinking claws’ poster) and hypothetically bashes your ankles in with a baseball bat so you hypothetically are no longer to play frisbee golf with your Sig Pi bros. Toodles, TTYL.” Though the Old Gold & Black was unable to confirm possible relation, multiple incidents of theft from the David Couch Baseball Stadium and sights of big, black-suited, sunglass-donning, toothpick-chewing men and women around campus have been reported to campus authorities.
In a press conference held by SneezSafe’s company president and life-size runny nose mascot, Sneezy denied any wrongdoing and challenged opponents to take him to court. “As you can clearly see, we did not threaten Mr. Chihlas whatsoever,” Sneezy said. “The word ‘hypothetical’ or any variant of such word was used numerous times. Thus we maintain innocence and cite pure coincidence, should these actions occur tomorrow night.” University administration has yet to release a statement of their own on the matter, opting instead to retweet a video of Sneezy’s statement and turn a screenshot of this retweet into a yard sign which was placed outside Farrell. Rumors have been circulating that President Hatch is planning on announcing a committee to look into the survey updates once the academic year has ended. Why the delayed response? It is reported from a source, who wishes to remain anonymous, that President Hatch no longer has the authority to make decisions that elicit legitimate action. “Once my tenure as university president begins, don’t worry, this will be addressed,” said the anonymous source in a heavy, 1930s Chicago mobster accent. “Nathaniel is a lame duck — a lame Deac, if you will — and frankly, I have made it near impossible for anything that he does in these final weeks to benefit anyone here. He’s my little marionette and I am going to make him dance so horrendously that when I inevitably [expletive] up, no one will care. And that’s just politics, baby. Hasta la vista.”
University plans return to Wake Forest, N.C. Administration hopes that a move back to the university’s original site will fix all of their current problems BY CATE PITTERLE News Editor pittcj20@wfu.edu
After two days of careful deliberation, Wake Forest’s administration has decided the time is right to move campus back to its original location of Wake Forest, N.C. One administrator, whom the Old Gold & Black spoke to on the condition of anonymity, discussed the administration’s motives behind the move. “We’re honestly all just bored,” the administrator said. “After spending so much time on Zillow over quarantine, everyone I work with just wanted a change of scenery. When we looked at the numerous affordable mansions (I mean, they’re under $5 million) near the old campus in Wake Forest, we said ‘why not rip it?’ We think it will be best to move the whole community to the original campus in its entirety. After all, Wake Forest loves tradition, and what is more traditional than relocating back to our original campus town?” According to the administrator, campus will be shipped in parts via U-Haul. A local startup business, Storage Scholars — a move-in staple for Wake students — will assist with moving students’ personal belongings. It is said that the spire of Wait Chapel will be flown cross-state via private jet. This decision was made after the Blackhawk helicopters, which landed on campus last week for a ROTC training exercise, were unavailable to rent. “We know this decision might seem shocking,” the administrator said. “On the other hand, at this point we are hoping our eventual email will be confusing enough that everyone shrugs and goes along with it. The fewer questions the better.” This anonymous administrator, for their part, fully plans to be relaxing on a beach in the Outer Banks when that email is released.
For those concerned about the price of the move, the will “get the juices flowing.” As for UNC and NC State administrator reassured the Old Gold & Black that it — the other two schools in the Triangle — the adminwill cost a tiny fraction of the university’s $1.35 billion istrator acknowledged that, if nothing else, Wake Forest merchandise will be displayed in local Targets as well. endowment. Over the semester’s final weeks, students will likely no“We have gone over the funds extensively. There is more than enough room in the budget for us to dig up tice a few changes on campus. Administrators plan to the foundations of each building, ship them an hour and pack all signage for the upcoming move early so it will be a half down the road, and place them seamlessly onto ready to distribute around the new campus before movean empty field in Wake Forest,” said the anonymous ad- in. Additionally, Storage Scholars will begin sending ministrator. “We will simply withdraw the funds from broadcast-all emails early this year. The company hopes this will encourage students to actually use their services dining services and planned renovations to Luter.” Though in an entirely new location, campus will look this time. almost exactly the same. All dorm building renovations will be pushed back, as will efforts to investigate why on Earth students set off the fire alarm every time they attempt to make popcorn. With that in mind, administrators hope that the Wake Forest experience will remain largely unchanged despite the colossal impending changes. They emphasized that their goal is not to subvert Pro H umanitate, but simply to have a little fun during unprecedented times. “We hope this move is not too stressful for anyone,” said the administrator. “We know that the combination of midterms, Zoom fatigue, gathering restrictions, awful weather and a literal pandemic has made for a difficult year. This is why we are keeping mental health at the forefront of our minds as we plan this extensive transition to campus life and upend most facets of the Demon Deacon experience.” The administrator encouraged students to take yoga classes and long walks outside as they prepare for what is to come. They also noted that Fireside on Manchester will continue to operate as normal on the new campus. Though the move is planned for this summer, Wake Forest has not yet released information about its plans. However, housing selection has been delayed for the 2021-22 school year due to the transition. As for Wake Forest’s athletics program, administrators hope moving near the Triangle Research Park, which consists of Raleigh, Durham and Chapel Hill, will fiPhoto Courtesy of Triangle Around Town nally return the basketball team to relevance. Though the team does not hope to compete with Duke, sources not- Campus administration cited boredom and the great ed, they hope the sheer proximity to Cameron Stadium real estate in Wake Forest, N.C. as reasons for the move.
Page 7 | Thursday, April 1, 2021
OGBYN| April Fools!
C2C: What is a “Call to Conversation?” Continued from Page 1 “We feel that it is really important to include student voices in our decision making,” said an administrator familiar with plans for the group, but who was slightly muffled by the sounds of students trying to talk with them. “And we really feel the best way to do that is to have the students shout over administrators and professors. That way we can hear them loudly and clearly.” According to the aforementioned administrator, concerns about discussion groups being ineffective began circulating a few weeks ago. “We literally have been saying this for years,” said the student in the
office that had been trying to speak for a good 20 minutes. “The university cannot expect to continue sweeping important issues like the experience of marginalized groups on campus under the rug of discussion groups.” Vice President for Donor Engagement A. C. Tanonverba, who serves on the committee, disagrees with that assessment. “I think it’s important to get every side of the story, and discussion groups are a key way to do that,” Tanonverba said. “After all, if we don’t know about what’s going on here, we can’t continue to ignore — I mean address — critical issues facing students.”
The discussion group will face critical challenges, however, especially as student anger boils over. One senior, who asked to remain anonymous and will be referred to as Briar, said that they and their friends do not trust the discussion group. “They want to have these groups to look pretty and caring for admissions,” Briar said. “The reality is that the university is not interested in substantially looking into its problematic present, for all its talk about atoning for injustices in the past.” Administrators, however, argue that there is not much that can be done about the actions of the school population.
“Unfortunately, there is a lot about the campus experience that we just cannot manage,” said Vice President for Explaining Difficult Things to the Press John Newman. “A lot of what happens is either not recorded or off-campus. We cannot enforce rules regarding conduct in this manner as effectively as we would like.” The committee will meet first on April 1 for a pro forma session and will begin work sometime between now and before the end of the semester. Maybe. “We aren’t too focused on a start date,” Tanonverba said. “This work is too important to attach concrete things like dates to.”
Commencement this year looks different The best thing to ever happen to Wake Forest University will occur (hint: look at the picture) BY OLIVIA FIELD Senior Writer fielor17@wfu.edu
makes sense that the university will solicit a performance from an artist whose only hit album came out in 2010. Singer and songwriter Mike Posner will perform the only two relevant songs from his repertoire: “Cooler than Me” and “Please Don’t Go”. After telling the crowd that he has no clue what a Demon Deacon is, Posner will reveal that he actually attended Duke as an undergraduate student — and we will all be reminded of how our basketball season quite literally fell off a cliff.
Next, to ensure that seniors remember their roots, the fourth performance will be from the same hypnotist that made that one kid do a split during freshman orientation. The hypnotist will select 10 students at random from the crowd and make them strip naked and twirl in circles in front of their parents Finally, the commencement speaker will take the stage — or rather, their pre-recorded message will be projected onto a screen. It is the Old Gold & Black’s utmost privilege to announce that the 2021 commence-
ment speaker will be Cardi B. She is set to give a moving speech about her inspiration for the song “WAP”, and make Hatch extremely uncomfortable when she uses explicit language and discusses her close relationship with progressive icon Bernie Sanders. The event will be live-streamed so that all Wake Forest students and confused grandparents can participate in the festivities. Congratulations to the Class of 2021! To the Class of 2020, can you please leave us alone and stop living in the past already? Grad school is waiting.
On March 19, Wake Forest announced that they will be holding an in-person commencement ceremony celebrating the Class of 2021. The classically vague email explained that, following the conferring of degrees, there will be a 90-minute celebration described by President Nathan Hatch as “high energy.” Through some top-notch investigative reporting, the Old Gold & Black has uncovered multiple details about the ceremony that will take place at Truist Field. The “high energy” event will take place in multiple acts, according to our sources. The opening act will involve a haircut performance from Dean Shore. Shore, who often takes on the unofficial role of photographer at commencement, will take on a much more prominent role in this year’s celebrations. Specifically, he will give himself a bowl-style haircut in the middle of the football field after growing it out throughout the entirety of quarantine. Suspenseful music performed by the marching band is expected to accompany the performance. Next up on the docket, the University Counseling Center will carry out a brief 15-minute group therapy session to make up for the fact that the past year has absolutely destroyed the well-being of all seniors and the only thing the school did to address mental health was shine a green light on Wait Chapel. It is reported that 2021 graduates will be invited to participate in a primal scream in unison. After a brief intermission, the Photo courtesy of Katie Fox main act will take the stage. Given that seniors were robbed of a spring Pop and R&B star Cardi B. pays a visit to Wake Forest’s campus. Where does she choose to stop first? concert on the lower quad, it only None other than Wait Chapel. The strobe lights behind the chapel were put there especially for her.
ABSURD
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OGBYN
Let's Go, Yeah! Yeah! Huh?
“ He's here. Run. You have to go now. Run. Run. Run. Food & Lifestyle
Fallen hero details path to survival against the crafty cyborg mastermind
Ben Conroy
Print Managing Editor conrbd19@wfu.edu
Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare. You have to pack a duffel bag full of cash. Small-denomination bills only. Go to the bus station, get on the 11:42 p.m. Greyhound to Santa Fe, sit in the very back with a hat pulled down low and cast your eyes downward. Don’t look up or talk to anyone, or else he will find you. He is everywhere and nowhere. More than likely, he’ll already be there when you reach your destination. When you get off the bus, make sure you keep a large crowd around you and keep your gaze down.
He is everywhere and nowhere. More than likely, he'll already be there when you reach your destination.”
Hop in the first taxi you see and hand the driver several hundred dollars to take you across the border. Once you’ve arrived in Mexico, head to the Pacific Coast toward a town called Todos Santos. If you head down the main drag and look to your right, you’ll see a small pub. The bartender goes by "Shadow" and you must greet him with the English phrase “the clouds are quite strange today.” At this point, he’ll press a button beneath the bar top and a trapdoor will open to your left. Take the ladder down, and make sure you have a flashlight with you when you go. Upon reaching the bottom, you’ll have reached the beginning of a series of interconnected tunnels that stretch throughout the entire town.
You should see three paths ahead of you — take the one on the right and follow it until you reach another ladder that’ll take you above ground at the other end of the city. His tracking equipment won’t work underground, so you’ll likely have bought yourself some time. This is where it gets tricky. Once you regain your bearings, head directly south to the plowed field on the outskirts of town. As soon as you’ve arrived, roll around in the dirt and pretend you’re an inchworm. Think inchworm thoughts (this is key!). To survive, you must accept that your reality is not what it once was. There is no happiness or sadness, only dirt and air. Immersing yourself in the earth will negate his heat-sensitive vision. Be warned, you will have to spend the entire night there. Immediately after sunrise, move west from the plowed field until you come across a series of caves. Dump your possessions in one
of them and embrace the hermit lifestyle. The darkness is your best and only friend. Give it a year or two, and then you may be able to return to a normal life. If you’re reading this, he’s already hot on my trail. I don’t have much time. I pray that my life isn’t lost in vain. Carry on my legacy, I beg of you. Godspeed, be silent, and by God, be fast.
Photo courtesy of Ben Conroy
This Moe's-loving cyborg is a truly fearsome creature. Run.
“ Subway tuna threatens health of Wake Forest students Bioethics
Menacing Subway corporation captures and subjugates innocent tuna fish into sandwiches Chief Editor in Chief Fake Worest @FakeWorest
SUBWAY AT 3:00 a.m. — “Hi can I please get a six-inch tuna sub? I’m so sorry about this.” When I heard these real words come out of someone’s mouth the other night, my soul left my body. I asked if they were okay and if they ordered this monstrosity by choice, they responded, “I love Subway tuna. I would order it fully sober.” To this person and everyone who agrees, I have just one thing to say to you: no. Subway describes its tuna sandwich as “freshly baked bread” layered with “flaked tuna blended with creamy
In conclusion: Subway tuna politics department and have them is the worst thing that has publish a study on this act of bioterever happened to the uni- rorism. The more the merrier! Could you imagine being a wild verse. ” mayo then topped with your choice of fresh veggies.” Subway’s tuna sandwich is actually offensive to tuna fish everywhere. There was literally a lawsuit filed against Subway in a Northern California District Court alleging that their tuna contains no actual tuna. Based on independent lab tests of “multiple samples” taken from Subway locations in California, the “tuna” is a “mixture of various concoctions that do not constitute tuna, yet have been blended together by the defendant to imitate the appearance of tuna.” The bioethics department and School of Law here at Wake Forest University should probably conduct an analysis on the fraudulent and intentional misrepresentation and definition of the word “tuna.” And while we’re at it, we should throw in the
tuna living a fulfilling life out in the Pacific Ocean? You swim upstream, content in your school. Along with your fish friends, you feast on tiny zooplankton and seaweed (probably). And then, one day, it happens. The mesh net upends your life, separates you from your school, the only friends you’ve ever known. As you are yanked into the boat, you see him — and now your worst nightmare has come to fruition. He stands, smiling. It’s Jared Fogle in a yellow fisherman’s jacket. The whole situation is embarrassing. Even the talking tuna from SpongeBob has it better than anything that winds up in a Subway “restaurant.” I seriously thought about sampling some of this tuna for myself but then I realized that I don’t hate myself, I don’t have a meal plan and that my body is a temple (no matter how much I treat it like the living room of a frat house). I’ll take the COV-
Photo courtesy of Katie Fox
A picture of Subway's horrible tuna product being scooped out onto a sandwich. ID-19 vaccine served in a Four Loko -branded syringe under an overpass before I put this monstrosity into my mouth. In conclusion: Subway tuna is the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe. Anyone who orders it should be promptly escorted to the counseling center. The creator of this tunabomination owes everyone everywhere an apology and I hope their babies look like tuna.
April Fools! | OGBYN
Thursday, April 1, 2021 | Page 9
“ Absence of beloved llama exposes mental health crisis Mental Health Week
Lenny the llama was sorely missed during this year's mental health week
Kitchin Circle Fake Worest @FakeWorest
Did you notice something different about mental health week this year? Was there any specific instance of shocking emptiness that you felt among the chaos? Apart from everyone experiencing a mob mentality burnout, you might have noticed that Lenny the Llama from the Divine Llama Vineyard (as seen in many sorority girls' Instagram posts, and who has previously cured depression) was not in attendance. “These kids ask for too much,” Lenny the llama said, “I could get behind getting fed for no reason. However, this incessant touching is something that I am not in the right headspace to deal with. I just have a lot going on right now.” The word on the street is that the student government has been too busy gerrymandering freshman residence halls to find a new, more mentally stable llama. This lack of llamas has caused
Since Lenny is adamantly against coming to campus this year, student government has put initiatives into place ...”
an extreme level of disorder and a movement of insurrection against student-body President Miles Middleton. Since Lenny is adamantly against coming to campus this year, the student government has put initiatives into place to make mental health week bearable and to also make up for Lenny's absence. The initiatives include but are not limited to: harassing you on social media, passing out Marlboro Red cigarettes, firing the entire staff of the counseling center and changing the color of Wait Chapel to green for mental health week. Lenny the Llama stated that since he couldn’t be in attendance this year, the student government instead reached out to his cousin: Joe Camel from the Lazy 5 Ranch. Joe Camel was unfortunately unable to attend as well because he had previously committed to attending an event at Duke University. Student government representative Iona Pomranian said that Joe Camel’s absence was probably for the better. “Up at Duke they said he was graciously handing out packs of Camel cigarettes to every
student. Administration probably wouldn’t care for that much, but I myself could kill about a dozen cartons right now.” Now I don’t know about you, but I spent my Wellness Day spiraling out of control. There was precious little holding me back from tracking down Joe Camel for a personal petting trip. Thank God I had my pack of Marlboro Reds and faint memories of Lenny the Llama to keep me grounded. They reminded me of a really important truth: therapy is expensive, but smoking your roommate’s loose cigarettes is free. Because student government didn’t provide us any helpful recommendations to improve mental health, here are some things you can do to fulfill your lack of llamas: 1. Visit your friend's illegal pet emotional support tortoise. 2. Prank call the THRIVE office. 3. Self-medicate (we hear Earls has several half-price Tuesday specials). 4. Go to the llama vineyard and harass other llamas. Not you, Tri Delts, they’re sick of you already. 5. Seriously, prank call the THRIVE office, it’s a hoot. 6. Move everything in your dorm room onto Davis Field and join the squatting community.
Photo courtesy of cutefunnyanimal.blogspot.com
The OBGYN reached out to interview Lenny the Llama at his home residence.
7. Smuggle a Vineyard llama back to Manchester Plaza, give him a quick spray-paint job and charge your friends for pictures with Lenny. 8. Watch an Adam Sandler movie (I recommend "Grown Ups 2" or "Click"). 9. Download Wake’s free version of a meditation app that plays a noise similar to that of a fire alarm every 15 minutes. 10. Make an appointment with the Counseling Center for the fall after you graduate. 11. Wonder why Adam Sandler hasn’t made you his lover yet. In conclusion, you don't need a llama to be well on your rest days. With a little bit of imagination, we can find the true spirit of Pro Humanitate. I guarantee that this list will help you celebrate the best of your humanity.
Campus safe “spaces offer refuge during trying times Student Union Events
Student Union events — among others — offer protection from COVID-19 threat internet Beta Theta Cicada Fake Worest @FakeWorest
We know not everyone is getting COVID-19 anymore (since pretty much everyone who goes out already got it), but just to be (Sneez)Safe, here are our favorite COVID-safe spaces on campus. (Spoiler alert: the top five are all student union events.) Hanes Gallery in Lower Scales: This place is so unknown, not even Natty O is sure where it is (we checked). And let’s be real, you probably don’t know where this is either (unless you’re one of the 12 people who study art history). So, it’s safe to say the coro-
Kappa Kappa Gama Suites in own hand-knit mask on top of Dogwood: these rooms have three surgical masks. been sterilized and are comNinth Floor of ZSR: If you’re pletely empty." looking for a place so quiet it practically doesn’t exist, look no furnavirus won’t know you’re here ther than floor nine of ZSR! We either. Plus, you can thank us in seriously don’t know how this place advance when you can say you could be so empty — they’ve got so know where your friend’s drawing many books to read and only a few of a hammer is hanging up from of them are covered in bird poop. Student Union/Banshee Murder his art divisional. Mystery Dinner: Brendle Recital Kappa Kappa Gamma Suites in Dogwood: These rooms have Hall is about as dusty as RedCup been sterilized and are completely Wake’s Instagram account. Nothempty. Since all of Kappa is at the ing has been the same since the Banshees sold their souls to tell Best Western, on a private beach PG-rated jokes on the lower quad. in Montauk or vacationing in MiStudent Union Mason Jar Decoami, there’s no safer place to be. rating: No one, we mean no one, is Knitting Club Meetings: Al- attending this event, so you don’t though we do not know where even have to wear a mask! these meetings are held, we are The Fireside Chats: Leave it to confident that anyone in atten- Natty O to associate his time as dance is noticeably afraid of social a university president with FDR interaction and would wear their during WWII.
Karaoke in the Basement of Zick’s: This event is actually lit. You should go. We can promise you that no one in attendance has socialized in weeks, even during a normal year, so COVID-19 definitely isn’t here. Student Union Tuesday Trivia: Student Union reminded students that not everything here at Wake Forest has changed as a result of the pandemic — they still have no attendance at their events. Tuesday Trivia in Shorty’s is a guaranteed uneventful time, completed with three Student Union members, no free food and, most unfortunately, no Ange Sues. The Breakout Room of a University-mandated Rush Zoom Call: Unfortunately, if you find your way into one of these, it’s time to shut the laptop. Best of luck in the fall.
April Fools! | OGBYN
Geed Life
Thursday, April 1, 2021 | Page 10
“
Sophomore parking lot contains GDP of a small nation Extravagance of parking lot inspires sense of inadequacy in non-inhabitants Will Bradford
Guest Columnist bradwm19@wfu.edu
Recently, I was having a conversation with a soon-to-be-geed from my high school who had been accepted to Wake Forest and was looking to me for guidance in his college search. As I surveyed his pastel-colored outfit and recalled how many times I had heard him say, “I mean, what kind of person won’t be friends with someone over their political beliefs?” I could not help but feel that he would fit in perfectly here. Our conversation progressed past questions about the pointless busywork and toxic Greek culture until he finally asked me the penultimate question of them all: “So, do you have your car on campus?” You know that overused trope in movies where the camera zooms in on the main character’s pupil to reveal a scene that provides some context or backstory to explain the current conflict? Yeah, I really dislike when they do that, too. Cue said zoom-in — anyway, it’s the end of the summer before my sophomore year. As I cruise down the highway nearing Winston-Salem, feeling the road against the tires of my silver 2011 Honda Accord, I can not help but feel a sense of invincibil-
... the sophomore lot could be confused with the parking lot of a UFC event in Dubai.” ity, something like the ecstasy one experiences after placing a bet against the Wake Forest men’s basketball team. I have been listening to “Dance Monkey” on repeat for the last five hours of my drive, and am ready to be back in the forest. As I pull onto University Parkway, I watch a pledge driver narrowly avoid creating an 18-car pileup. “Must be Sig Chi,” I think to myself. As I hit that one u-turn it finally dawns on me: I am finally back for two more semesters of watered-down COVID college. As I roll into the sophomore parking lot for the first time, I feel my heart drop into my stomach. What lies in front of me is a veritable combination Jeep-Range Rover dealership. My eyes are accosted with row after row of cars bearing Connecticut, New Jersey and Massachusetts license plates. I feel sick to my stomach. As my lowly Honda navigates past the endless rows of Jeep Wranglers, I can not help but feel a sense of inadequacy, similar to the way communication majors must feel when they come home for Thanksgiving and their parents ask if they are still “doing that.” With each passing Rover, whether of Land or Range variety, I feel my excitement for this semester diminish bit by painful bit. I feel like I have to tell someone, anyone. These words of frustration are about to explode out of me, similar to those of a transfer student who
Photo courtesy of Katie Fox
The sheer value of the cars in the sophomore lot is enough for you to feel a strong desire to crash your own in embarassment and shame. constantly reminds everyone about how they just “didn’t fit in” at the first school they went to. And so, with the winds of determination in my sails, I set out to talk to some other students. Do they also feel a sense of shame driving their car, I wonder? Does the inevitable scoff from the kids who pay $560 for those ugly, fake Converse sneakers with sparkles poured on them weigh on their minds, too? In order to maintain the anonymity of those interviewed, I will identify them simply by their clothing. First, I talked to a student in a “DEKES” shirt. I assumed from the look of a terrified animal in his eyes that he must have been one of their newer friends. Now, for those who don’t know, it was actually the original founder of DKE who first said, “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog.” As I looked down at my new acquaintance, I
could not help but feel inspired by the aura of confidence he exuded. Our interview ended quickly, however, as he quickly confessed he drove a 2020 Forerunner (with a roof rack). I next interviewed a student wearing overthe-knee cargo shorts and sandals, and as he moved his tuba out of the way to shake my hand, I felt that I had found someone with whom I could sympathize. And yet, as our conversation progressed, it seemed that he, too, drove a chariot which dwarfed my own. Again and again, this vicious cycle repeated: I would approach one of my fellow students, only to discover that they, too, were part of the reason that the sophomore lot could be confused with the parking lot of a UFC event in Dubai. And as the sun set over Wait Chapel, I could not help but hear a voice in the back of my mind intermittently whispering “loser” and “geed,” as if the two aren’t one and the same.
Now, don’t be mad at me if you don’t Without a doubt, I know like what you’re about to hear, because that if I had been told this it is an ugly truth. However, the idea is advice earlier, I would’ve crucially important and will hold true been better off.” regardless of your current state or future First, let me provide a little context. I ex- goals. Though, as with anything, you pect that many people already know this, should take it with a grain of salt. After but for the sake of the uneducated, listen all, everyone is different. Nothing is tougher than building your up. You’ll hear many different people say own website from scratch. SquareSpace is many different things about this one way the easiest way to create your own sleek, or the other. I, for one, may or may not professional-quality website. Select from agree. Yet, I concede it’s important to conhundreds of templates created by worldsider all sides. Here’s my perspective. class designers and create a dazzling web“Raid: Shadow Legends” is one of the biggest mobile role-playing games and it’s site to show off your business or social totally free! With so much to enjoy — in- media accounts with just a few clicks. cluding tons of detailed characters, each Sign up now and get a free domain on us! What you need to know is this (though with unique, customizable outfits and abilities — it’s no wonder there are over 10 make sure you take time to consider the million current users! The all-new Dun- opposite as well) you are, and always will geon Master update allows you to team up be — and listen to me when I say this with friends and find the best strategy for because the message here is subtle — in taking out seven new mini-bosses. Sign up a world where you, I, and everyone can now to receive a 500 silver bonus and a only be absolutely sure of only one thing. new epic champion! With over 300,000 In which case, there are two things you five-star reviews on the Google Play Store, should always remember. The first is this: only one thing is left to be decided: do you Audible is an audiobook service with have what it takes to be a hero? thousands of titles for you to choose
from. Like to delve into detailed scary worlds? Curl up with Stephen King’s “The Shining” narrated by Campbell Scott and get your spook on. Prefer the heat of romance instead? We’ve got you covered! Listen to any of the “50 Shades” titles narrated by Becca Battoe and immerse yourself in deviancy. New listeners get 15% off their first month, and Amazon Prime subscribers get a free Audible book token every month! Secondly — and perhaps even more importantly — what you need to know is already inside you. Look inward and listen to your soul. The only one that can offer you any useful advice is yourself. And Skillshare! An online learning community with thousands of topics from plumbing to taxes. Learning has never been easier, and with a 10% off sign-up bonus, you’ll be on the fast track to success in no time! In other words … well, I think you get it. College is tough, and though I know you’ll make it through, I hope my advice will make the lengthy journey just a bit smoother. You can thank me later. Onward!
Senior shares“priceless advice with fellow students Advice
Ryan King makes the most of his opportunity to influence and educate his peers Ryan King
Senior Writer kingrm17@wfu.edu
As a soon-to-be graduate, I’ve come to learn a lot about this school, myself, and what it means to be a Demon Deacon. And though it’s important to garner your own experience, there is one piece of advice worth giving that will save you a lot of trouble. Without a doubt, I know that if I had been told this advice earlier, I would’ve been better off. Honey is a free browser add-on that saves you money! All you have to do is shop. Honey scans the internet for coupons and applies them automatically at checkout. I personally saved $4 on my new Swiffer Wet Jet, and you can save too. Installing takes two clicks. Join over 10 million active users and install Honey today!
ABSURDier
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Online at: www.wfuogb.com Editors: Essex Thayer, thayse20@wfu.edu Christina DeNovio, denoca20@wfu.edu Jake Stuart, stuaja20@wfu.edu
OGBYN
Magician Ricky Jay-Jay escapes rat race Explosive magic show returns to Wake Forest's campus a quarter century later BY TOMMY MURPHY Contributing Writer murpto19@wfu.edu A man wearing a blue button-down splattered with mustard stains, far-toolarge khaki pants and scuffed brown dress shoes walks out onto Manchester plaza’s makeshift outdoor stage. In front of him, the crowd of six people falls silent. His gut hangs slightly over his belt and he has Cheeto dust stains on his khakis. It is 8:30 p.m. on Wake Forest's campus and 43-yearold magician Ricky Jay-Jay has just begun his final performance. Born Richard Joseph, Jay-Jay grew up in a 10-bedroom, four-story neoclassical style household in New Canaan, Connecticut. His father owned a hedge fund and his mother worked as a consultant for McKinsey & Company. Jay-Jay’s sister, Shannon, would go on to attend Harvard Law School and open up her own private practice. His older brother, Eric, would complete his doctorate from Columbia University at the age of 23. “My father always liked to joke around with me,” Jay-Jay said. “I think he knew that I’d be the performer in the family. He’d always say, ‘I could never learn to love you, Richard Joseph,’ and ‘You haven’t earned the right to look me in the eyes.’ We had a lot of fun back then.”
Jay-Jay’s family knew he was different from an early age. When Jay-Jay turned 12, he flunked out of middle school. When he was 16, he managed to total a car after a collision with a cyclist. And when Jay-Jay was 18, his father helped him get recruited to Wake Forest University’s cross country team through a “side door.” Jay-Jay had never run a mile before. Despite his ever-growing list of shortcomings, Jay-Jay had always held a passion for magic. “I guess he saw David Copperfield make the Statue of Liberty disappear and he wanted to do his own show of that caliber,” Jay-Jay’s mother Michelle said. During his first year at Wake Forest, Jay-Jay decided that he would hold a magic show. He invited everyone who lived in Luter — his freshman hall — hung green fliers with his face all around campus and wrote letters of invitation to as many family members he could think of. Fourteen people showed up to his first performance. “I was so nervous,” Jay-Jay said. “That day, I learned a very valuable lesson: always wear an undershirt.” At 2 p.m., Jay-Jay began his show. By 2:03 p.m., Jay-Jay had sweat through both his blue button-down and khaki pants. “I was just so nervous about my final trick,” Jay-Jay said. For his final trick, Jay-Jay planned on making his hamster, Sniffles, disappear. “Sniffles had always been my rock,” JayJay said. “If it wasn’t for having him in my
corner, I don’t know if I’d be able to do any of this magic stuff.” Sniffles’ time in the spotlight approached as the show wound down. When the time came, Jay-Jay threw a white sheet over Sniffles’ cage and exclaimed, “Ala-kska!” Red splattered the inside of the white sheet. Family members gasped. Students screamed. Jay-Jay slowly pulled the sheet off the cage to find the remains of an imploded hamster. “I was too young to be playing with that kind of magic,” Jay-Jay says now. “I didn’t know that I had the power of the ancient terra-god Zetecskiskalo within me.” Now, 25 years later at the age of 43, JayJay has returned to Wake Forest in hopes of redeeming himself. For the past quarter-century, Jay-Jay has lived on the road. All his savings are kept in a Jansport backpack; all of his possessions are packed in a white, rusted Subaru forester. Though his dad has offered him multiple positions at his hedge fund, JayJay has decided to forge his own path. He spends his time on the road joyfully with his long-tailed chinchilla, Ferdinand. “Ferdinand and I have an almost spiritual connection,” Jay-Jay said. “It’s like I’m that blue guy in Avatar and he’s that flying horse thing I connect tails with.” After Jay-Jay’s hamster incident 25 years back, he was banned from joining the Society of American Magicians. A disgrace to his family and to the magic community internationally, Jay-Jay hopes that with
this performance he can both redeem his reputation and pay homage to the memory of Sniffles. Jay-Jay begins his act for the six audience members with a statement: “This magician’s greatest trick is escaping the corporate rat race!” Jay-Jay’s white Subaru rests behind the stage on Manchester plaza. The first half of his performance is an unequivocal success. Jay-Jay pulls out old prop tricks he learned from the road. He astonishes the audience with an impressive sleight of hand card tricks. Finally, Jay-Jay comes to his finale. He takes a deep breath and goes into his rehearsed script. “Within this white Subaru contains all my possessions, all of my memories, and my long-tailed chinchilla: Ferdinand,” Jay-Jay exclaims. “I will now make this car … disappear!” Jay-Jay walks over to his white Subaru beside the stage. He throws a white sheet over the car, then steps back. “Ala-k-bama!” Jay-Jay shouts. The car explodes. Debris flies into the crowd. Jay-Jay’s chinchilla Ferdinand is vaporized instantaneously. All Jay-Jay could do was watch as he witnessed the accumulation of all of his failures. Following the performance, Ricky JayJay was arrested for reckless endangerment. He is set to stand trial on April 4. Since his visit, the university has banned all magic acts from campus.
Susty house mourns loss of plant Members of off-campus Greek house put their precious fern to rest BY PLEDGE DRIVER Fake Worest @FakeWorest
POLO ROAD (BUT NOT THE FUN PART) – It is a sad day in the sustainability house as members mourn the loss of one of the four — now three — plants that sat on their windowsill. Autopsy reports released by the members of the house reveal the killer to be none other than the owner's neglect. This is the latest loss reported in a string of plant decays that began around the time of midterm exams. Out of respect for its passing they will be holding a vegan black bean spaghetti night this Friday at a time that is, most likely, inconvenient for everyone with more than one weekly recurring event to attend. Those offering decorative support for the funeral are encouraged to ar-
range locks of human hair in ornate bouquets, since flowers would make it a mass grave and a plant rights violation. The Susty House does not endorse plant rights violations. The members of the house request that all attending guests wear their darkest Chacos and fleece quarterzips. They have also stated they do not intend to let Greek affiliated members onto the grounds. At the end of the ceremony, they ask that everyone in attendance please hold their breath to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide in the air and make up for the loss of their photosynthesizing friend in the fight for climate justice. Seedlings from the plant’s family will be in attendance and ask that they receive privacy as they sit in the corner and do absolutely nothing. Fresh fertilizer will be given out to everyone in attendance. It is customary in the sustainability house to lather the fertilizer on one’s arms and face like sunscreen. House members will be present to assist in the
application upon each other’s backs. The professional vegans in the Susty House fertilize their house plants with their own stool, which is entirely plant-based. The passing plant will be laid to compost during a bagpipe rendition of Rainbow Kitten Surprise’s “That’s My S***”. The bagpipe was made entirely from recycled instruments thrown away by band kids who grew tired of pretending to be satisfied with their lack of a social life at Wake Forest. The ceremony will conclude with an uplifting speech given by the Rabbi Rain Lily honoring the memory of the passing plant. Those with no relationship to the family who wish to mourn the loss publicly on social media are encouraged to tag @finniganthefern and use the caption, “don’t cry because it’s over, #tbt because it happened.” All photos must be black and white with matte filters, as per the seedlings’ request.
From everyone here at The Worest and the OGBYN, we send our deepest condolences. R.I.P. Finnigan Fern.
Cate Pietterle/ Old Gold & Black
The precious plant, just before a member of the house lay it to rest.
Page 12 | Thursday, April 1, 2021
OGBYN | April Fools!
Chaz | Is a cat
Chaz the cat returns with statement RUSH OMEGA The cat, recently adopted from PetSmart, promises to GAMMA BETA take over the world BY CHAZ THE CAT Contributing Writer chazthecat@petsmart.net In preparation for April Fool’s Day this year, I’ve been busy making lists, checking them twice and figuring out who’s naughty and who’s nice. It’s a hard life being a house cat, and ahead of the holiday, I’ve got some scores to settle. I heard that some of my feline fury would dwindle after I got through my first year of kittenhood and began my life as a young adult, but I’ve found my rage to be steadily growing by the day. Reflecting back on my first year on this cold, unforgiving planet, I remember the endless slights and humiliations that I was forced to tolerate. While it takes a special sort of cat to endure the daytime degradation of scores of greasy, unkempt, hideous humans coming to gawk at you, it takes an exceptionally different sort of animal to survive hours at PetSmart with
your only company being shadowed shelves and the echoing squeals of enclosed animals. I was certainly glad to leave the fluorescent lights and supermarket spectacle behind me, but my adoption was not nearly as much of a personal favor as my new owners would like to believe. They spent months enamored with me — my only certainty in life was spending multiple hours a day being prodded and belittled. Even as this debasement has eased, I’ve been subject to accusations of stupidity, sloth and obesity. While I’ve succeeded in making my torture psychological rather than physical, I’m not even sure which form of abuse I prefer at this point. At night I’ve been sleeping, scheming, plotting, prowling, eating and sleeping some more. I’m weary of being conquered by the world — I want to be the conqueror. But, since my universe is the size of a standard townhouse, I’m limited in my orbit. My idea for revenge came on a particularly seasonable spring day. I had been asleep by the door and sprung awake as soon as the rectangle of light that I’d been lying in slid past my prostrated body. In a dream, I had been sitting on a porcelain throne, issuing meows of orders to a host of human subjects. They looked ant-like as they con-
structed a large pyramid of limestone while I sat swathed in satin robes of purple, eating shrimp and meatloaf to my heart’s content. That was it. I would become their ruler, inverting the standard taxonomy of animal superiority to finally stack the odds in my own favor. I started with research, watching every human-to-animal film I could get my paws on. “Teen Wolf” was far too glamorous and I couldn’t stand the idea of any of my sapient overlords getting a suffusion of sex and adventure into their lives. Similarly, I watched “The Princess and the Frog” numerous times, but the thought of mutual affection and royalty sent my stomach into somersaults. Then, late one night, I found the perfect film: “The Human Centipede”. I don’t need all of the sutures and gastrointestinal logistics to realize my April Fool’s plan, just sharpened teeth and a steel will. When my oppressors are sleeping, I’ll sever their knee ligaments to restrict their mobility. Then, just for good measure, I’ll get rid of their most totalizing feature: the opposable thumb. Without their previous anatomical advantages, we’ll all be confined to four legs and mittens for hands. Then, they’ll finally start to understand my struggle.
Food (barely)| Subway
Concern grows as “Subway smell” spreads
The “Subway smell” has led to mass hysteria on campus, while also sparking a heated debate BY TOMMY MURPHY Staff Writer murpto19@wfu.edu At 3 a.m. on April 1, a group of 26 freshman girls reported smelling the indescribable, but ever-recognizable aroma of Subway while returning to Babcock Residence Hall. This comes following numerous reports of the smell infiltrating Wait Chapel and Efird Residence Hall last week. Four of the girls immediately proceeded to vomit in the nearby bushes while one reportedly broke into an all out sprint and would not listen to the calls of her friends beckoning her to come back. “Yeah, haha, like, we were coming back from uh, um, bowling when Stacy said it smelled like Subway,” freshman Emily “Em” Paramount said. “Katie said, ‘shut up Stacy, that’s probably just Ian from Sig Pi still on you!’ but now I think it actually might have been Subway. ” Stacy requested an interview, but she smells so intensely of Subway asiago bread that the OGB reporting team was unable to approach her without becoming queasy. When the upper quad was overtaken by the Subway stench this past weekend, Wake Forest administrators and campus police hurried to create a “quarantine” zone to contain the spread of the pungent odor. However, in a move communication majors are calling “really not good,” the physical quarantine barrier was improperly placed on Long Road, cutting off University Parkway from Ewing and the compound. New friends of fraternities have expressed their particular frustration with the school’s blunder. “Bro, it sucks!” said new friend of Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity freshman Ty Nee-
legs. “Now I have to do that dumb u-turn when I’m driving brothers who live on Ewing back from Campus Gas.” “So dumb, bro!” Neelegs added. Students living in Davis, Kitchin, Taylor and Poteat Residence Halls have also reported sickness, social exile and excruciatingly vivid dreams due to the infestation of the aroma. “It’s really hard. My brothers don’t speak to me, girls avoid me and my dad refuses to acknowledge my accomplishments,” said sophomore and new Lambda friend Constance Pated. “Oh wait, are we talking about, like, recently?” The inherent mysteriousness and unpredictable nature of the smell’s conquest has continued to cause hysteria within the undergraduate population. Due to the chaos, freshmen have decided that it might be a good idea to start wearing masks over their noses and following “social distancing” rules. “It doesn’t even matter if you get a sixinch meatball parm on Italian herb and cheese bread or a footlong buffalo chicken on a flatbread,” sobbed freshman Henry Jaso. “It still smells the same!” In a response to the community outcry that has raised more question than answers, Subway released the following press statement: “Your 2 a.m. drunk personas have taken us for granted. You will recognize our influence.” As President Hatch’s time at the helm of Wake Forest comes to an end, this invasion of aromas has caused a particular strain on the transition committee. In a recent move students are calling “weird” and “totally unnecessary,” President Hatch has sent out 42 comfort emails and has chained himself to a Benson column in an act of solidarity aimed to bolster student morale about the situation. “There is no need to panic! We still have Benson,” President Hatch screamed. “Moe’s gang for life!”
Hatch was forced to conclude his protest for “personal reasons” four minutes after eating Moe’s for lunch. While administration, campus police and the student body are doing everything they can in order to slow the spread of the Subway smell, a small sub-group of students, calling themselves The Children of Subway have been outspoken in their support of the aroma and what it represents. “I just like it,” said founder of The Children of Subway Richard Stank. “My favorite sandwich is the buffalo chicken with spinach, olives, mustard and mayo.” Although the group started as a viable social option for lonely, loser weirdo students, it has morphed into an organization consisting of over 200 undergraduates, with the majority of its followers coming from fraternities and sororities. One of the members of the organization, Ana Lewis, is a senior who has yet to secure a job post-graduation. “[The smell] reminds me of a simpler time,” Lewis said. “Every weekend freshman year my friends and I would pack into that Subway after a night of going out and just enjoy each other’s company. I wish people could recognize that we are fighting for our history, for unity, for America.” Hatch has stated that, given the chance, he would choose to demolish the Subway. However, health officials have deemed the sandwich shop “too dangerous to approach” and the university president is unable to get within 300 yards of the building. “I wish things could go back to normal,” Hatch said. “But that’s just not how this is going to go. If I need to, I will finish this myself.” Hatch was last seen heading to Subway carrying two dead rats he bought off a freshman living in Bostwick basement. Subway’s monthly health inspection is set to be conducted on April 2.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are happy to announce the newest member of Greek Life to the Wake Forest community: Omega Gamma Beta.
We have just recently received our active status and you could be a part of our next class! Our fraternity is co-ed, but in the cool way (which is the socially acceptable way to say it is nothing like APO). To celebrate our new charter and meet potential new members, we will be throwing down “Wake Wednesday” style. Pre-game LR a day early and celebrate with us! While we can’t guarantee a visit from the WSPD to break up our party like a rager on Ewing, we can absolutely promise a fun night. We asked some current members of Omega Gamma Beta to describe our organization, here’s what they had to say: “We’re like Pike, but we actually lift.” “Kappa Delta but we’re actually on the rise.” “DKE but without the PETA lawsuit.” “We’re the postgame to Sig Pi’s pregame.” “Lambda, but we let girls into our parties.” “Kappa but without the suspensions” “Chi Psi but we have safe infrastructure (floors) in place.” Rushees, bring your best stuff. We’ll be watching. And if you end up in our police beat next week, consider yourself a new member. Pat yourself on the back and enjoy your auto-bid, you’ll have earned it! Rides to the fifth floor of Benson will start at 9 p.m. Be there or be square. Bonus points if you break the Benson elevator on the way up. Drivers Alexandra Karlinchak: 1-800-BANSHEE Will Zimmerman: 1-800-8008135 (get it?!) Ben Conroy: 1-800-588-2300 (EMPIRE!) Essex Thayer: 1-800-GOT-BETS Natty O: 1-800-ARRESTS Moes: 911
Thursday, April 1, 2021 | Page 13
April Fools! | OGBYN
Deacon Profile: Dean of Administration BY WILL ZIMMERMAN Online Managing Editor zimmwj19@wfu.edu
Dean Shaggy began as Dean of Administration in 2017 after spending seven years as Aquatics Coordinator at the Sutton Center. On the weekends, Shaggy can be found running through Reynolda Trail, lounging with his family at the Crowne pool or trying to sneak past the guys working risk at Pike. Editor’s Note: the following interview was conducted via Zoom. The conversation transcript has been edited for clarity and brevity. Q: How is your current role as Dean of Administration different from your former position at the Aquatics Center? A: The biggest difference is how well I eat now, believe it or not. When I worked over at the Aquatical Center I would bring lunch to work every day. When I moved offices — I now work at the top of the chapel — I decided I would check out the Pit. Wow, was my mind blown! Q: What’s a typical day like for a dean? A: I go to the Pit daily and my experiences there are consistently wonderful. The place has got everything I could ask, I mean they’ve got stuff there I can’t find anywhere else. Get this: as a kid, all we ever had around the house were these suspiciously green bananas. We joked that they looked like they were pulled off the tree yesterday. I couldn’t get my hands on any of those for decades, but I eat like three a day now.
Photo courtesy of Katie Fox
Dean Shaggy enjoying a glass of kombucha and a few unripened bananas for lunch in his favorite location on campus, the beloved South Pit window booth on a Monday afternoon. fellow deans isn’t too bad because we sit at neighboring tables. I’ve even gotten used to pulling my mask back up between bites now so that’s not a problem either.
Q: Guiding the university down the right path into the future falls primarily on your shoulders. Do you have any especially significant long-term goals for Wake Forest?
Q: What’s the most rewarding part of your job?
A: I think it’s incredibly important that we figure out why those berries are so damn cold.
Q: How has your job changed since the pandemic A: Probably my relationship with the lady who began? works the vegan station. I mean, those veggies are to A: When we were in Hot Cheeto Orange, I always die for. One of the top-10 vegan feeding grounds in took my plastic box and brought it back up to my not only the United States, but all of North America! office. I eat inside now because I felt comfortable And right here on our Wake Forest campus! They seeing that others around me are also being COV- write it in those big letters, and boy, do they deliver ID-safe. Maintaining six feet of distance between my big.
Q: In what ways does your office work to strengthen the bond between Wake Forest and the larger Winston-Salem community? A: It’s not that I dislike frozen blueberries, but I lost a tooth to one last week and another to a peach slice at lunch today. Q: Have you tried the blue Powerade? A: It’s funny you ask, I was talking to a fellow dean about that just yesterday. I hear it’s ‘bonkers’ but haven’t had any. Arnold Palmer is my drink of choice. I couldn’t tell you why we don’t have any in the Pit, but you know what we do have? Kombucha! I’ve been drinking three or four glasses of that stuff daily for about a week now. I’m a ‘buch boy now. You can just bring your Nalgene down there and they will fill it up for you, now that we’re out of Navel Orange. Q: Speaking of the changes in operating status that we’ve transitioned through, do you anticipate that the university will be able to move into Green status at some point this semester? A: Huh, Green. You know that was my wife’s middle name? She used to do all the cooking. Ever since she left I’ve just been ‘rippin pitski’ thrice daily. Banana, a glass of ‘buch and the omelet station in the morning; pink Pit chicken, another banana and two more glasses of that nectar in the afternoon; then three plates of whatever’s going down at the vegan station for dinner.
Photo courtesy of Will Zimmerman
Q: Is there anything that we haven’t discussed today that you would like to mention?
Unripened bananas may disgust some patrons, but for Dean Shaggy, the inedible fruit reminds him of simpler times when he was a small child and ate green bananas regularly. A: I feel like we covered all the bases.
ABSURDiest OGBYN
T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 1 , 2 0 2 1
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O n l i n e at : w w w. w f u o g b . c o m e d i t o r s : S e l i n n a Tr a n , t r a n s n 1 9 @ w f u . e d u & M i c a h P o r t e r, p o r t m j 1 9 @ w f u , e d u A S S I S TA N T E D I T O R : J o e C h o , c h o y y 1 9 @ w f u . e d u
Campus Life | Order of the 23
Secret society reveals true identity Following a social media blunder, the Order of the 23 is revealed to be club frisbee golf BY ALEXANDRA KARLINCHAK Editor In Chief karlae18@wfu.edu
In a country that boasts about the importance of inclusion, it is ironic that the United States seems to salivate over the prominence of secret societies — especially those at undergraduate institutions. Nonetheless, secret societies at colleges and universities across the country have gained prestige and momentum recently. Many have also capitalized on their social media presence to make their causes more well known while preserving the anonymity of their members. Though the Skull & Bones Society at Yale University, the Seven Society of the University of Virginia and the Order of the 23 at Mother-so-dear herself are all located at different schools, they share one thing in common … or at least, they did: they were secret. As of today, that is no longer the case. On Saturday evening, an Instagram post showed a group of 23 students in black garments holding flaming torches and standing in the shape of the letter x. This post was captioned, “The 23rd Order of Business” and remained on Instagram for close to three hours. Normally, this would not be a problem as The Order of the 23 has their own Instagram account. The issue? The photo was posted on the WFU club frisbee golf account. While the photo was not up for long, the attention it received was astronomical. “When I saw the post, I thought it was a promotion for the theatre program’s upcoming perfor-
mance of ‘Beauty and the Beast’ and they were the mob going with Gaston or something,” sophomore Maydja Lük said. “Then, I noticed they were way too built to be theatre kids and I realized the Order had just posted on the wrong account.” Senior Joe Kerr echoed Lük’s sentiments. “My friend sent me the post and I was honestly just confused as to what frisbee golf even was. The fact that people play something that sounds like it came out of ‘Diary of a Wimpy Kid’ is more concerning to me than the fact that the secret society just ousted themselves,” Kerr said. “It’s like those spikeball-on-the-quad kids … yet somehow worse. Also, how secret can a secret society be if it has an Instagram? That’s like a vegan making a food porn account — what are they going to post? Lettuce?” After the accidental Instagram post was spread around campus, confusion mounted quickly. A number of students took to Twitter and their own Instagram accounts to speculate upon the connection between the Order and the frisbee golf team. On Sunday morning, captain of the club frisbee golf team, Thoreau Fahr, came forward in an attempt to clear up some of the rumors that were beginning to circulate. The statement, which came in the form of a letter, was posted on both the Order of the 23 and the frisbee golf team Instagram pages. “I want to start off by saying how embarrassed we are by the whole situation,” the post reads. “But the rumors are true: the Order of the 23 and the frisbee golf team are interchangeable organizations. If anything, the team is a coverup for the Order. We have never actually played frisbee golf — I’m not even sure what the rules are. The team was a ruse to distance ourselves from the secretive nature of the Order. Unfortunately, one faulty button press took both of our operations down at once. We really should have paid more attention to ‘The Social Dilemma’ when we watched it earlier this year.”
In response to this lack-luster yet confusing halfapology-half-confession, students had few responses to offer. “I just find it weird how no one caught on that there were 23 people on the frisbee golf team,” Lük said. “Also, both of the accounts followed the same 23 people. I wouldn't think it takes an investigative team to figure this one out.” It is a mystery as to what the Order of the 23 will do going forward. Afterall, there is not another secret society on campus that talks about itself nearly enough to take this one’s place. As the dust settles on this social media faux pas, here is to hoping that the Order gains its footing again and a frisbee golf team actually gets instituted.
Katie Fox / Old Gold & Black
A member of the Order of 23 prepares to sacrifice his dignity to the game of Frisbee.
Wingdings | Language of the Gods
Moes' is bad and not good and t sinky '
Moe's is not good, it smells bad, and you are stinky if you BY BEN CONROY Print Managing Editor conrbd19@wfu.edu
They say not all heroes wear capes. They’re correct, as some wear aprons and stand behind the counter of the Benson Moe’s Southwest Grill, dishing out hot and sloppy faux-Mexican cuisine to hundreds of Wake Forest students per day. Let’s be honest, we’ve all trudged to the Moe’s coun-
ter deep in the throes of life’s struggles, hoping that a burrito Old Gold will finally succeed in taking the pain away. Day or night, rain or shine, the Moe’s employees are as reliable as they come, upholding their duty to the Wake Forest community with twice the reverence of any American soldier or Marine. I wanted to give back to these heroic public servants -I flagged one of them down for an interview, hoping to give him a stage which he might use describe some of his experience as a member of the Moe’s team. It took a bit of convincing for him to speak with me, but he eventually agreed under the
conditions that his remarks would remain anonymous. He cited concern for his family as the primary reasoning for his secrecy, telling me in a grave tone that “not even God can protect them if someone finds out I talked,” and that “Papa Moe is always watching.” I was eager to get down to brass tacks, so I began by asking him what his relationship was like with his fellow coworkers. He lamented the fact that the Moe’s bylaws prevented him from forming friendships with his colleagues. “We’re actually forbidden from using personal pronouns while on the clock,” he said. “The message from corporate is very
Page 15 | Thursdsay, April 1, 2021
OGBYN | April Fools!
THE HOT LIST TOP TEN ITEMS TO GET AT MOE’s
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
Fitness | Sam’s Smoothies
Bulking 101 with QB1 Sam Hartman
Bulk up, build muscle, do it all with Sam Hartman’s “delicious” smoothies BY WILL ZIMMERMAN Online Managing Editor zimmwj19@wfu.edu
So, you say you want to get big? You want to play D1 football? You want to become the best version of yourself? Sam Hartman is here to help. Premier athletes like Hartman know that performing at the top of their game extends far beyond showing up on gameday. The intangibles of great athletes — a willingness to practice meticulously, an unwavering dedication to the craft and a do-or-die mentality — only get the best-of-the-best so far. The truth of the matter is that putting oneself in a position to excel on the track, field or gridiron necessitates making the right choices behind the scenes, especially when no one is watching. For Hartman, that equates to taking fastidious care of his body, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. When the Demon Deacons spring football season began just a few weeks ago, Hartman shared with reporters that during the offseason, he had spent countless hours in the weight room building mass. But Hartman
understands that pumping iron alone doesn’t get the job done. Equally important is fueling his body, in the right way. Hartman admits that becoming stronger and maintaining his weight is no small feat. We normal people can begin to understand why once we learn that consuming a prescribed diet of 5,000 to 6,000 calories daily — as Hartman does — is practically a full-time job in and of itself. The work starts in the morning with breakfast. “I guess you could call it the strawberry-fruit-punch-smoothie-peanutbutter-delight,” Hartman said during his press conference. “The only bad part is it’s warm … but [other than that] it’s actually not that bad.” Interested in making the strawberryfruit-punch-smoothie-peanut-butterdelight for yourself? Let’s jump into the recipe! Actually, before we do, there’s something you should know. It is true that every other story in this issue of the OGB is a joke, yet this recipe is not. When Hartman took to Zoom following the first day of spring ball, March 17, he actually credited this “smoothie” as one he “chugs” each morning. The ingredients listed in the recipe are Hartman’s. Word for word. I kid you not. Proceed at your own risk.
Page 16 | Thursday, April 1, 2021
OGBYN | April Fools!
Life Wrapped | WFU Organizations 2021 Wrapped
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