Church Grief First Responders

Church-related distress has been written about extensively over the past few years. Never has this subject been more applicable to Oklahoma United Methodists than since this recent season of disaffiliations and lawsuits. Compounding these troubles is the lingering effect of the Covid-19 pandemic that often pitted members against one another in debates on masking, vaccinations, and even when to return to in-person worship as the Covid pandemic dragged on.

Many congregations are still stinging from divisions, whether disaffiliations actually happened or were only considered, as churches voted whether to remain with the denomination. The United Methodist connectional system relies on affiliations among clergy, congregations, and conference personnel. When schisms happen within conferences, no one comes out unscathed.

Even churches who didn’t vote on disaffiliation have watched in despair as members of their family of faith took votes, made moves, and, in 127 cases, decided to leave that family.

While the pain is real, it is not the end, according to Roger Parker, lead pastor of Conference Connections and pastor of The Gathering UMC, an online worship community for individuals and groups whose churches left the denomination but who wish to remain United Methodist.

“The past faith experiences with that church are times when God worked in their lives,” counseled Parker. “They [the disaffiliating congregation] are a part of God’s mighty acts of salvation in their lives.”

He continued, “It’s important not to discard those things God has done in your life; they are your strength.”

In this time of grief and division, it can be difficult to remember how to be welcoming and sympathetic when visitors enter the safe spaces created by intact congregations. This, however, is exactly the time when members should be vigilant and intentional about how they interact with those visitors.

Parker’s top three pieces of advice for clergy and laity alike are, “Listen, listen, and listen.” He intoned, “You don’t have to have solutions. They don’t need solutions. They just need to know that you’re listening.”

He recommends active listening techniques. A 2021 Harvard Business Review article by Robin Abrahams and Boris Groysberg describes active listening as having three aspects: cognitive, where the listener pays attention to all aspects of communication; emotional, which includes compassionate attitude and managing the listener’s own emotions; and behavioral, which involves “conveying interest and comprehension verbally and nonverbally.” See the chart to the right to learn more.

Consider becoming a Lighthouse Congregation

Churches which are designated as Lighthouse Congregations are safe havens for members whose churches have left the denomination.

Now, more than ever, Lighthouse Congregations are a welcome respite for members missing their church connections.

To learn more about what Lighthouse Congregations are all about, and to begin the process of becoming a Lighthouse Congregation, go to the website.

Trauma Informed Faith Communities

Mary Gaudreau, executive director of Crisis Care Ministries, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a deacon ordained in the UMC. She has worked in trauma and disaster settings since 1995, starting with the bombing of the Murrah Federal Building here in Oklahoma City.

Hughes spent 10 years working for UMCOR, too. Now she consults and leads multiple efforts, including Trauma-Informed Faith Communities. Though originally created for congregations working through natural disasters and losses related to death, the lessons are applicable.

“This is certainly distressing, and it has been a destruction of trust in many cases - and trust is