Yoga - Jennifer Pastilo

Listening to the Unspoken

If Jennifer Pastilo has a superpower, it’s that she can make anyone feel important

Jennifer Pastilo

“SO MANY OF US GROW UP BELIEVING WE HAVE TO ACCOMPLISH X, Y, OR Z BEFORE OUR LIVES MATTER. I HATE THAT; I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THEY MATTER RIGHT NOW. YOU MATTER. I MATTER, WITHOUT THE X, Y OR Z,” SAID PASTILOFF, BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF ON BEING HUMAN: A MEMOIR OF WAKING UP, LIVING REAL, AND LISTENING HARD.

When the hybrid memoir, self-help book debuted in 2019, it immediately found a following as loyal and enthusiastic as Pastilo herself. Fans promoted the book across social media platforms, from award-winning singer-songwriter Pink, to actress turned author Lena Dunham, to journalist and activist Katie Couric. It is no surprise that Pastilo’s writing speaks to so many. With each chapter, she lifts the veil on some of life’s most difficult challenges: depression, anxiety, mental illness, and disordered eating.

Pastilo writes unflinchingly about the grief and guilt of losing a loved one. Not once does she shy away from sharing the hardship of living with invisible disabilities, like hearing loss, something Pastilo has experienced since she was a child. No subject is taboo, and because Pastilo chooses to write into her feelings than run from them, readers around the world feel connected to her story, many finding relief in her message: I didn’t like who I was and I didn’t want to be alive, but now I love who I am, an I want to be alive.

Pastilo isn’t just living; she’s thriving — and bringing everyone with her. Last summer, she left Santa Monica with her husband Robert and their 5-year-old son, finally ready to make a home in Ojai, a town she has long called her happy place. “I came here for the first time in 2008 for a retreat, and then I just kept coming back,” Pastilo said. “I fell in love with how I felt here, like my body could relax, like I was coming home.”

Ojai has long been attractive to creatives and spiritual seekers. With the pandemic came a new wave of residents searching for the kind of peace they didn’t realize was so necessary or accessible until the first COVID-19 shutdown. “So many people said to me, ‘Ojai either welcomes you in or spits you out,’” Pastilo said. “Well, Ojai couldn’t have welcomed me more. I’ve found my people here, and the house I live in now was the first and only house I’ve ever looked at in my life. I know I was meant to be here.”

People often describe Pastilo as “someone you have to meet.” Those lucky enough to have shared space with Pastilo have left feeling seen, known, and a little worthier of the life they’re trying to build for themselves.

“It’s like the six degrees of Jen Pastilo ,” said Venius Adams, a fashion designer and founder of Turbans by Venius. “I had a dozen people tell me I had to meet her before I ever stepped foot into her workshop. When we finally met, I immediately loved her. Her transparency and her realness cross all boundaries. And because Jen is so fully herself, it invites you to be whoever you are, flaws and all.”

Pastilo doesn’t hold back from showcasing the messiness of her life on social media. Her feed isn’t curated, and her photos aren’t posed. Pastilo isn’t perfect, and that’s part of her appeal. Seeing her accept her imperfect self seems to motivate others to accept themselves with the same unabashed delight.

steningstening by JESSICA CIENCIN HENRIQUEZ to theUnspoken

When Pastilo isn’t working on her second book, she’s expanding her retreats and workshops, bringing them even closer to home. “The switch from in-person to online was scary for me because I’m really averse to change,” she said, “but once I did it, I was like, ‘Whoa.’ Not only does it work, it works better, and more people can show up.”

Pastilo has traveled all over the world helping those in search of their own soul shifts, from Italy to Arizona, and now she’s bringing her expertise home to Ojai.

“What I do doesn’t fi t in a box,” explains Pastilo . “It’s not yoga. It’s not a writing seminar, and it’s not life coaching. I took what helped me heal, what I knew, and what I was good at and started putting all those things together. I focused on what I really wanted, which was getting people to connect with themselves and with each other.”

It’s easier to package what Pastilo does by simply stamping the word yoga on it, but to do so would miss the mark entirely. “In my retreats, I put everyone on a yoga mat because that’s familiar to most people,” she said. “Then, I use the body to keep everyone out of their heads. We dance, we move, we

photo: Joe Longo

sing. We breathe. Combining these things is the quickest way to help strangers open up. It’s about unblocking what they have buried in their bodies. I’ll get people hot, tired, and sweaty, and then I’ll give them a writing prompt.”

According to writer Dani De Luca, the writing aspect of the workshop is where many find a gold mine of self-realization.

photo courtesy Jennifer Pastilo “Jen has initiated this introduction between who you are, who you are ashamed to be, and who you are too afraid to become. The writing prompts become the dialogue that those parts of you need to be having with one another.”

When De Luca began working with Pastilo last year, she quickly became familiar with Pastilo ’s approach, grape-vining between challenging and comforting. “One of the first things I told her was that I used to be a ballerina, but that I hadn’t danced in 25 years,” De Luca said. “Jen stopped me and said, ‘Wait, so ballet informed your whole life, but now you don’t dance anymore? Here’s what you’re going to do: You’re going to start dancing every day, and you’re going to make videos and send me one every day.’”

Just like that, De Luca was jolted out of hiding, and suddenly became accountable to someone else until she could hold herself accountable for the growth she was working toward.

“It’s this Pastilo an witchery that she has,” De Luca said. “She just knows where to tap in because she listens to the things that are not spoken. The minute details that we leave out of the conversation, that’s where Jen probes — that is the reason I’m back to dancing and writing poetry again.”

Whether you’re attending one of Pastilo ’s On Being Human retreats (offered virtually and in-person), Saturday morning backyard yoga sessions, or flying to one of the writing workshops she hosts around the world, you will find yourself pushed to the edges of your comfort zone — and surprisingly happy about it.

“The retreat I did was four weeks long, and we chimed in one morning a week, online,” said Adams, who attended Pastilo ’s Shame Loss retreat this past winter. “There were about 40 of us, and though we were all so different, we all came in mimicking Jen’s transparency. She showed up authentic, so we did, too.”

Pastilo gives each group the same set of exercises and a simple set of mini-tasks with enough time to think about their answer, but not enough time to second-guess it. She asks questions to get people thinking about who they used to be, what they used to love before the world, and how their experiences pulled them away from those parts of themselves.

“We were able to share our answers with the group, and that’s where it was clear that what connected us all was being human,” Adams said. “We are all from different backgrounds, different countries, but the questions we were tapping into is what made us human. We talked about our hurt, our pain, our guilt, our fear. It might have been in the movement, or the yoga, or the writing, but I think it was the sharing that impacted people the most … you know, because when there’s unity, people heal, and Jen is helping orchestrate that.”

Pastilo ’s insatiable appetite for helping others is a part of her identity she has no problem broadcasting. She does more than send thoughts or prayers; she shows up. Her offers are genuine and she doesn’t take no for an answer. “People have a hard time asking for help and accepting help, but I was born this way, with this desire to help people,” Pastilo said. “I know I can’t save everyone, but I’m still going to try because that’s why I’m here.”

To celebrate her birthday last year, Pastilo hosted a pop-up for local artists and entrepreneurs to meet, mingle, and promote their products. On Saturday mornings, you can find her leading a yoga class in her backyard, a dozen women (with 50 more joining on Zoom) sprawled out on yoga mats — some posing, some resting, some writing — all there to raise funds for those in need. Whether the donations go to a single mom whose electricity is about to be turned o , or to support the World Federation of the Deaf, Pastilo has built her life around lending her voice, energy, and resources to make a difference wherever she can.

And maybe that is Pastilo ’s real happy place, found in the moments when she’s helping someone else. Ojai is just lucky enough to witness her magic from the front row.

by JESSICA CIENCIN HENRIQUEZ