GENERAL & FAMILY DENTISTRY

“We specialize in biomimetic principles. Biomimetic dentistry is the reconstruction of teeth to emulate their esthetic and natural form and function. It is the most conservative approach to treating fractured and decayed teeth — it keeps them strong and seals them from bacterial invasion. By conserving as much tooth structure as possible, we can eliminate the need for many crowns and root canals.”

JACALYN BOOTH

Certified Colon Hydrotherapist

Ojai Digestive Health

With more than 30 years of experience in healing modalities, Jacalyn brings a deep level of caring to the art of colon hydrotherapy. Professional, nurturing, experienced.

OjaiDigestiveHealth.com

805-901-3000

DR. NANCY DOREO is a naturopathic doctor and chiropractor specializing in Applied Kinesiology. Modalities include: IV therapy, Homeopathy, Flower Essences, CranialFacial Release, Gentle Manipulation, Acupuncture Meridians, Massage Therapy.

DrDoreo.com

805-777-7184

AUBRIE WOODS

A graduate of USM's Master’s Program in Spiritual Psychology, a Certified SafeSpace trauma facilitator, and certified Theta Healer. Trained in pre-natal support, transformational parenting, pleasure mastery, relationship and intimacy coaching, chakra clearing, and Inquiry Method.

AubrieWoodsCoaching.com

NUTMEG’S OJAI HOUSE

Functional Art for Heart & Home - American MadeFair Trade - Psychic Tarot and Astrology Readers, Energy and Crystal Healings daily by appt. Walk-ins welcomed: Open daily 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. 304 N. Montgomery Street

OjaiHouse.com | 805-640-1656

LESLIE

Cert. Hypnotherapist

Find your calm center. Release negative thinking, emotional reactivity, anxiety, fear and unhelpful behaviors. Improve sleep and comfort. Safe, loving, rapid change. It’s time to feel better! leslie@lesliebouche.com

LeslieBouche.com | 805-796-1616

LAURIE EDGCOMB

Lic. Acupuncturist since 1986, voted best in Ojai! Natural medicine including Microcurrent, nutritional and herbal consultation, Facial Rejuvenation.

LaurieEdgcomb.com

805-798-4148

DR. JOHN R. GALASKA

Dr. John R. Galaska, PsyD, BCN, Cht, university professor of Psychology, Neurofeedback, biofeedback, hypnosis for past troubling experiences and enhancing subjective life experience. BeCalmOfOjai.com facebook.com/BeCalmofOjai

805-705-5175

VIBRANT WELLNESS

MASSAGE

We bring a specialized massage that takes a holistic approach to treating stress in the body, all from the comfort of your home or office. With skillful hands & intuitive heart each session will unlock your inner Vibrant Wellness. VibrantWellnessOjai.com

916.204.9691

MICHELLE BYRNES

Elemental Nutrition

Nutrition & Wellness counseling focused on anti-aging, detoxification, personalized nutrition, & weight loss. For more information, visit elementalnutritioncoach.com

805-218-8550

LAUREL FELICE, LMT

Offers Swedish, deep tissue, reflexology, reiki, cranialsacral and pre and post natal massage with a reverent and joyous balance of hands and heart. laurelfelice54@gmail.com

805-886-3674

NAN TOLBERT NURTURING CENTER

Pre-birth to 3; pre/post-natal wellbeing; infant/toddler development; parent education/support. BirthResource.org info@birthresource.org

805-646-7559

JULIE TUMAMAITSTENSLIE

Chumash Elder Consultant • Storyteller • Spiritual Advisor • Workshops Weddings & Ceremonies

JTumamait@hotmail.com

805-701-6152

ADVERTISE HERE: plEASE cAll OR EmAIl DAVID TAylOR AT david@ojaiquarterly.com OR 805-798-0177

Annual Events

Libbey Bowl

OJAI

JUNE 3

OVLC Hosts National Trails Day

Date: Saturday

Times: Multiple Events

Locations: Ojai Art Center

113 South Montgomery Street

Contact: OjaiArtCenter.org

The Shawn Jones Band and many others will get deep into this American art form.

JUNE 8-11

Ojai Music Festival with Rhiannon Giddens

Dates: Thursday through Sunday

Times: All Day

Locations: Libbey Bowl and various local venues. Rhiannon Giddens returns to Ojai, this year as the music director. An integral part of the immersive Ojai Festival experience is the free community activities that occur in the Libbey Park and throughout Ojai. This will include Morning Meditations, Music Pop-Ups, and a Family Concert.

TO JUNE 11

Alfred Wallis Exhibit

Date: Every Saturday

Time: 10:30 a.m. to 11:30 a.m.

Location: canvas & paper gallery

311 North Montgomery Street

Contact: 805-798-9301 info@canvasandpaper.org

JUNE 17

JUDY COLLINS & SOPHIE B. HAWKINS | AUGUST 20 | LibbeyBowl.org

The 35th Annual Ojai Wine Festival

Time: 12 noon to 4 p.m.

Location: Lake Casitas Recreational Area

11093 Santa Ana Road

Contact: OjaiWineFestival.org

Overlooking scenic Lake Casitas, the Ojai Wine Festival is an idyllic venue to taste award winning wines, amazing craft beers, ciders, seltzers and fine spirits. Purchase a meal. The Ojai Wine Festival is organized by Ojai Rotary-West and supports their many charitable projects.

JULY 1

The Gin Blossoms

Time: 7 p.m.

Location: Libbey Bowl, 210 South Signal Street

Contact: 805-272-3881

The platinum-selling Grammynominated alternative are back on the road, stopping by Ojai for a Saturday evening. Doors open at 5 p.m.

AUGUST 20

Judy Collins and Sophie B. Hawkins

Time: 7 p.m.

Location: Libbey Bowl, 210 South Signal Street Contact: 805-272-3881

The twin bill of legendary singers Judy Collins, (“Send in the Clowns,”) and Sophie B. Hawkins, (“Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” ) return to Ojai. Gates open at 5 p.m.

BELINDA

LibbeyBowl.org

AUGUST 24

Belinda Carlisle

Time: 7 p.m. Doors open at 5 p.m.

Location: Libbey Bowl, 210 South Signal Street Contact: 805-272-3881

The founding member and lead vocalist of the Go Gos, the most successful all-female rock band, comes to Ojai for a Thursday show.

Recurring Events

Historical Walking Tours of Ojai

Dates: Saturdays

Time: 10:30 a.m.

Location: 130 West Ojai Avenue

Contact: 805-646-1390

Coffee & Cars

Dates: Second Sundays of the month

Times: 8 to 10 a.m.

Location: Westridge Market parking lot

Thursdays

“Ojai: Talk of the Town” Podcast New episodes come out Thursday evenings through OjaiHub.com newsletter. Guests have included Malcolm McDowell on the 50th anniversary of “A Clockwork Orange,” and Sergio Aragonés on his 60 years as a cartoonist at Mad Magazine. Sign up at OjaiHub.com for a free newsletter of Ojai events, news, arts, entertainment, history and culture.

HOW TO WIN A LADY’S FAVOR, VARIATION 284

(BUDGET VERSION)

A Housewife’s Log

BY SAMI ZAHRINGER

find yourself a lady whose favor you are interested in winning. Start a conversation with her, preferably a witty, pithy, banter-filled detente indicating a meeting of minds that foreshadows a possible meeting of the bodies in both your minds. But “Hi, I’m Dennis and I’m a Scorpio” will probably do if that’s all you’ve got. You’ll find this budget-friendly variation is adaptable to the quirks of your individual wooing style.

Once you have her attention, you’ll want to keep it. (This holds for all the Variation packages from 1 through 357. Variations 358 to 390 don’t require the lady to pay any attention to you at all but since they require the administration of powerful drugs these approaches to love aren’t legal in the contiguous USA.)

Tell her a joke to lighten the mood. Women love men with a great sense of humor. Steer away from body-part jokes if you can. If it’s an emergency and all you can think of are body-part jokes, try replacing the body-part with a badger at the last minute. The comic effect will be lessened naturally but this is better than falling at such an early fence.

Next, ask the lady out for a meal. Studies show that women love to eat and many do so every day. To make her feel special, pay attention to the small things: open doors for her; bring her a rose; remember to zip up your fly; try not to smell like a breathing pork-pie. That sort of thing. At this point you might want to consider purchasing our considerable list of “Dining Do’s and Don’ts”, available this month at the special rate of $99, OR double your order and add “Moving Into The Bedroom For Dummies” at 30 percent!! off for a total savings of $50!!

At table, you’ll want to showcase your ease with people and familiarity in pairing complex dishes and wines. Ask to smell the cork. Even if she scoffs and says what a load of old tosh all that carry-on is, this will give her a chance to watch your nostrils flare manfully, taking in great gusts of air, thus allowing her to approximate your lung capacity and determine whether you are a healthy specimen she might want to breed with. She herself will be unaware she is doing this, say Studies.

At some point during the meal, be sure to reach out and lightly touch her hand, while laughing and throwing your head back in delight at her impossible cuteness. Make sure your laugh is booming and manly. Girls don’t like squeaky laughers. Tell her how you love the way the light plays on her collar bone and that when she smiles her nose crinkles so adorably it makes you want to weep. Weep if necessary.

As the wine flows inhibitions will naturally lessen. This is the time to show her your physical prowess (all these hours at step class will really pay off now!!) .

Look around the restaurant for another male of approximately your weight and height. Tell him he is an asshole and his wife looks like his mother. If, in fact, this is a family gathering and she is indeed the man’s mother, insinuate that you have previously enjoyed coitus with her and his sister. Imply it was rubbish.

At this point the other male will leap to his feet and attempt to punch you on the nose. Rip off your jacket and shirt (you will have oiled up earlier in the bathroom) and randomly fling a chair aside. Apologise to any occupant the chair may have as it sails through the air. Within clear earshot of your wooee, offer to pay for their dry-cleaning and a day out at the zoo for four. Women love good manners and generosity even in the heat of battle.

Punch the other fellow in his nose. He will punch you back. Stagger slightly and touch your hand to the corner of your mouth to check for bleeding. Wince. Wincing men with big shoulders and no shirts on in the middle of nice restaurants invariably bring out nurturing feelings in the female. Don’t be surprised if she reaches out a gloved hand to you and cries “Oh!”

(This is where your prep work will really come in! Oh, we know it seemed tedious at the time LOL but you’re beginning to see that good dating technique requires good planning, aren’t you?

Nod to the waiter you will previously have bribed to substitute the restaurant’s ambient music with your own selection. Michael Bublé or Neil Diamond are safe bets here; many customers report success with ‘80s Canadian crooner, Bryan Adams, too. Stay away from polka and Finnish death metal whenever possible. Both are death to seduction, even in a scene of restaurant violence.)

Quick as a flash tie your tie around your forehead dew rag style. Lower your head slightly and glower at your foe. Say to the lady “This won’t take more than a minute, miss, then I’d sure be pleased to escort you to your door.” Grab the other man, and run with him toward the restaurant’s large glass windows, crashing through them in as slow a motion as you can manage before resuming the fight on the shard-strewn sidewalk. As the other diners jostle at the broken window, reach in your pocket and slip on the knuckle-duster you will have concealed there earlier. Only one more punch should be needed at this point. Your hapless opponent will sprawl unconsciously to the ground. Take a step back and look up to the heavens as if to ask the gods “Why, why must you test me so?” and then do a praying hands, collecting thoughts thing.

As your lady rushes to your side, which she is sure to do if you’ve followed all the previous instructions properly, lift her up and twirl her in the middle of the road as if she were as light as a daisy, ignoring the screaming ambulances that will no doubt be starting to arrive.

Whisper gently to her “I did it for you, baby. I did it for you.”

She will be forced to fall instantly in love with you and you may bed her at the hour of your choosing. For further instructions, proceed to the next module.

Please Note: This approach is only recommended for one particular kind of Woman. For a fuller discussion on all four different kinds of Woman, we recommend our primer-pack “Which Woman?” available through our catalogue.

Your Ojai Real Estate Destination Awaits

Based in our Ventura and Ojai offices, son-mother team Cameron Clark and Lisa Clark communicate often to work together to help clients buy or sell distinctive homes throughout the region.

Cameron and Lisa teamed up 10 years ago as the Clark & Clark Group to bring their incredible knowledge of Ventura County real estate to buyers and sellers alike. As new Luxury Specialists in the Luxury Homes Division of Berkshire Hathaway HomeServices California Properties, Lisa and Cameron are top-producing area experts.

LISA CLARK

805.698.5986 | 805.477.4274

LisaClark@bhhscal.com

Lic#: 01880476

CAMERON CLARK

818.606.4048 | 805.677.2004

CameronClark@bhhscal.com

Lic#: 01869702