A Visual Introspection - Addendum

A VISUAL INTROSPECTION ADDENDUM

Jose Hernandez

not about you anymore

P R O L O G U E

it almost feels cynical to say i now value myself more than i did the last time i wrote to you; time made me realize a couple more things that were missing from the last entry, so here we are.

welcome back, i guess? after my previous volume, i mentioned i was still figuring things out, and, the truth is: i still am. i always will be, and the hardest part about moving on and starting again after last time was determining what i needed to do to reincorporate myself into society.

it almost seemed backwards to try meeting as many new people as possible from the get-go, but after a year has passed, i can say that i definietly made the right call. good riddance.

“i hate this tennis club, but i’m here every night. working so hard at this thing i don’t like“

-Talltale, Tennis Club

getting back out there

in constant perplexion

for a brief moment, everything started to seem like it was falling into place. i had managed to let go of everything that was holding me back, and i could finally be carefree. well, not quite. but the next months i lived through did teach me that life does not need to be calm or bland.

i’ve talked a lot about needing to feel awestruck constantly, and i can certainly say that was the case for me during the past year. join me as i tell you more about it.

-Baby Queen, LAZY

“i could be the next first lady, i could lead the US navy i could be a hero, baby but i’m too fucking lazy“

TINY DISTRACTIONS

it is important, i believe, to regularly stop and reflect “am i doing the right thing?”, “is this something i want in my life?”, as it allows you to

remain self-aware and stay on the right track.

this is the entire purpose of the small distractions that life has sprinkled around your way: so you don’t stay too focused.

“tired of living like i’m dying, but now i can find the silver lining like before”

-Troye Sivan, Trouble

not the main character

big realization: you are the main character, but not everyone else’s main character. does that even make sense? i guess what i meant to say is: you need not assume you’re even of the slightest importance to anyone else, and keeping that in mind is the key to realizing you have to give yourself that importance.

“you’re not special babe i know you feel like your life is one big mistake i am right here on your side”

-Orla Gartland, You’re Not Special, Babe

planes of consciousness

and then the time to find my identity once again came. it was way sooner than i expected, and all it took was stumbling upon the right people, at the right time. if i have to be honest, i didn’t find them, but rather, the other way around.

that’s ok. at the end of the day, i’m just happy with the way things turned out for me, and it made me a very confident person, which is just what i was looking for but didn’t know.

“best believe i’m still bejeweled. when i walk in the room, i can still make the whole place shimmer.“

-Taylor Swift, Bejeweled

seeking your silhouette

a colorful mirage

i needed to know just how far i could take things. and i’ll tell you what. i found out.

i didn’t get to the part where i introduced you to my family, but maybe this could’ve been the backdrop to a cool photo of the both of us. i nearly slapped myself across the face after writing that sentence, but guess what, it stays in the book.

still, it was a bit surreal to see this view so colorful and perfect. almost.

“i’m listening to the songs you told me to. i don’t really like them, but i’ll pretend for you“

-Ezra Williams, A Shitty Gay Song About You

SCREAMING AT THE OCEAN

i hated my time standing on the beach more than i ever had while i was gone this summer. it’s like i was in a rough patch in the middle of something i thought was beautiful. there was nothing else i could do but try and enjoy my time there, but i’ll admit i cried a little of frustration while i stood by the coastline. it was definitely time to come back.

“so i’ll try not to say what i mean when i call you up, and i’ll try not to think of the distances between us“

-Holly Humberstone, London Is Lonely

taken out of spite

not always is it a matter of knowing who you are. sometimes, it’s a matter of owning it. i had thought that by being cynical to myself in regards to the person i was, i could get by, but i needed to come to terms with that so i could stop thinking about it and keeping up a façade. “don’t shoot”, my inner thoughts were screaming as i dared capture myself in this photograph.

“growin’ up is strange when the one who’s to blame is lookin’ at the mirror, wish that you were here“

-Ruel, GROWING UP IS ______

please, don’t shoot

i’ve always been horrible at texting, always been horrible at dating. at the end of the day, nobody has to know what this photo is about, or what this page is for.

i just needed to say that i honestly thought this was going to end up working out, and i was devastaded when it, in fact, did not.

i really hate that it’s almost as if these books are not about me anymore. are they?

“discutir contigo es como un tiroteo, y pienso en morirme el primero.“

-Marc Segui & Pol Granch, Tiroteo

“you wanting me tonight feels impossible, but it’s coming down, no sound, it’s all around like snow on the beach“

-Taylor Swift & Lana Del Rey, Snow At The Beach

it’s almost mischevious how my mind will come up with the perfect plan, and how it probably will never end up coming to fruition. daydreaming is a fun past-time, i think? except when it ruins your expectations.

by the way, i really love lens flare. like i wish i could have lens flare in every photo i take. oh well, at least this way they’re more special.

low pressure sodium hour

you once said that you don’t like going shopping and i gotta be honest i’m in the market for a boy like you we don’t need a big announcement, babe still trynna find the words to say we don’t have to tell all of our friends so what’d you say if i took you on a date? you don’t like going shopping but maybe you like watching movies, right? you don’t like drinking alcohol but maybe you like kissing in the rain it’s not about me baby, cause it’s all about you if buying clothes just ain’t your thing there’s plenty places i can take a boy like you if my memory serves right you once said that you’re not really the clubbing type and it’s okay, cause i was lying ‘bout that too we don’t need a close friends story, babe don’t tell nobody and let’s try our fate we don’t have to change our last names so what’d you say if we went to the arcade? you don’t like hopping on a bus but maybe you like flying to NYC, ok? and you don’t like getting blackout drunk but maybe you’d like being inside my arms kinda crazy but you made me like my middle name i know it’s out of pocket but i kinda wanna be your man

causing yourself physical pain to overpower emotional pain seems like an obvious path towards healing. often, suffering patients get better before they die.

actively avoiding people feeling sorry for you only makes it worse. preparing for failure is easier than trying to avoid it.

statistically, the worst is yet to come. false happiness is sadder than real sadness. a raincoat can’t help you in a hurricane.

nothing is ever enough to fill the void. “living in the moment” also means living through the pain. i lost you before I even won you once. i held you, but only in my eyes.

i wonder, when I look up at the moon, are you doing the same thing? thinking bout the same things?

‘cause your perfect plan’s clubbing at night, and mine’s shopping at Costco.

Aeden Alvarez

sunny day in disguise

benetton melancholy

looking at your feet, wondering what’s the right direction to start walking in to start over is, honestly, humbling. that’s what we do: we dust ourselves off and get back up, yet we mustn’t forget what knocked us down, or we’re doomed to do it again.

i’m sure there’s something poetic about these shoes being as colorful as they are, but it’s honestly lost on me.

“when the sun goes missing aren’t the flowers just as pretty? aren’t the oceans just as deep? the trees as green?“

-Conan Gray, Summer Child

what the hell do i even write here?

this space intentionally left blank, see you on the next volume, i guess.

SPECIAL THANKS

ok, this is odd. i didn’t think i’d be writing back to you this soon, but honestly so many things have happened in such a short time, i struggled not to dump all of my thoughts once again.

also, ever since last entry, i have realized this is kind of an ADHD consciousness flow dump, and i am happy with that.

just like last time, i’d like to thank you, the reader, for appreciating my photography and my words. it means the world that someone sat through all of this, so really, if you did, reach out and tell me what you think!

specific thanks to amazing people in next page, and information on where to find me for more of my work listed below. with love, jose

Find me on: Twitter for general insight Instagram for my photo journal Issuu for my publications Reddit for my rants and interests as OfficialHoSay on all the above.

Thanks to:

Miguel, Rodri, Blanca, Flor, Elena, Eli, Monica, Iván, Emmanuel, Lore, Juan, Itiel, Kevin, Memo, Fer, Xime, Quique, Alex A, Charlie, Dominique, Alex M, Ale, Mafer, Xali, Marce, Josías, Nessa, Erick, Chapps, Julie, Fanny, Rafa, and

everyone else that helped make my very long days on campus bearable for being such amazing people that are always willing to work very hard, give good advice, and keep me company at any and all times.

Ayden, Jamie, Jemma, and now, Hayden for continuing to be such amazing people that tolerate me and my never ending weird thoughts and ideas.

Said for the fun times and the important lessons he taught me over a very brief time, had a great run.

Danna for sticking with me no matter what happens and how much distance is between us, i hope it never ends.

My amazing family, who just keeps growing, so listing them all is even harder, but are equally as important to me as they were last year, lots of hugs and kisses.

Heman, Geny, Carlos, and Diana for being very great people who are down to earth, honest, and very chill to hang out with.