Gift of the Gab

Gift of the Gab Tadhg Hayes Illustrated by Terry Willers

This edition published 2012 by The O’Brien Press Ltd., 12 Terenure Road East, Rathgar, Dublin 6, Ireland.

Tel: +353 1 4923333; Fax: +353 1 4922777 E-mail: books@obrien.ie Website: www.obrien.ie First published by The O’Brien Press as Gift of the Gab, 1997.

Published as The Wit of Irish Conservation 1998.

Reprinted 2001, 2004 Originally published as Gift of the Gab, 1996, by GAB Publications.

ISBN: 978-1-84717-289-1 Copyright for text © Tadhg Hayes Copyright for typesetting, layout, illustrations, design © The O’Brien Press Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or utilised in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or in any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 Editing, layout and design: The O’Brien Press Ltd. Illustrations: Terry Willers Printed in the Czech Republic in Finidr Ltd The paper used in this book is produced using pulp from managed forests:

CONTENTS Part 1: Opening Lines Greetings

9

The Weather

12

Health

19

Opening Questions

23

The Craic

26

Part 2: Cover-ups The Poor Mouth

29

Excessive Modesty

32

Blarney

33

Part 3: Something for All Occasions The Pub

38

Sport

47

Travel

52

Shopping

57

Visiting

60

Christenings, Weddings, Funerals

63

Awkward Situations

68

Part 4: Green, White, Orange – and Blue!

Fillers

72

Curses

73

Part 5: Parting Shots Farewells

79

Congratulations

80

Dictionary

82

PA RT 1

Opening Lines Greetings From the dreariest low-budget hostel to the suave sophistication of the luxury hotel, you will find it stuck on the wall: Céad Míle Fáilte, the slogan proclaims “one hundred thousand welcomes to you”.

Funny thing is, it’s true.That man you saw twitching his head was not laughing at some private joke, he was saying HELLO! Now that you know how to recognise a ready and willing companion, let the craic begin ...

P OP UL AR G RE ET I NGS How’s the Craic?

How’s the form?

How’re ye keepin’?

How’s it goin’?

How’re the men?

How’re ee, lads?

What way are you at all now?

How’s she cuttin’?

9

ARE YOU WE L L? Y E S? T H E N SAY: Grand!

We’re fine out!

Things could be a lot worse!

I’m spot on!

I’m tearing away!

On top of all the above is the rather devilish: An’ting strange?

to which one should respond: Divil a bit! (i.e. nothing at all)

If you’re not very well or perhaps a little unwell try: I’m up in a heap!

I’m not too good!

I’m in ’n awful way!

G RE E T ING S WHE N E AT I NG No, this has nothing to do with saying “hello” with your mouth full. Instead, greet somebody else who is eating with: Is it going down well?

They are sure to respond in true Céad Míle Fáilte style: It hasn’t come up yet anyway.Will ye have a bite t’eat yerself?

On accepting this kind offer explain: I’m starved with the hunger!

I’m so hungry, I’d eat a scabby child’s arse!

I’d eat the back door buttered!

A member of the older generation may greet you with the rather beautiful: Much good may’t do ye!

10

Sadly, this is extremely rare.

G RE E T ING S AND W OR K It was an old Irish custom to give any job well done a blessing called an Abarta. The exact reason for this has now been forgotten, but today, a token blessing is still very much in order, say: God bless the work! (traditional blessing) Ye’re hard at it! (i.e. working hard!)

To which everyone will automatically respond: We’re doin’ a bit!

HE AD SALUT E

Before we conclude, let’s work on your salute. This head movement is generally performed in conjunction with the spoken greeting. It serves a number of functions: r It acts as a universal sign of friendship in Ireland.

11