Mayor of... LAZYTOWN

The Mayor of LazyTown - Dave Warner | Star 102.7

I’m quite often referred to as ‘the skinny chain smoking alcoholic’, a very charming, albeit very long nickname. Coined by a good mate’s angry wife many years ago after we fell through his front door with the sun coming up at the conclusion of yet another epic night out in Cairns at pretty much everywhere. A flippant comment one might consider slanderous - if it wasn’t so bloody true.

I didn’t hold a gun to his head and pour tequila down his throat, nor did I lose his keys, his wallet, his phone or his left shoe. I also didn’t make him remove his pants upstairs at Gilligan’s and I certainly didn’t squish his tackle up against the glass windows that overlook the main hall, but I did make him apologise to the bouncer who kindly ‘evacuated’ us from the building following his third warning. However I do accept that I am an accessory to wrecking the productivity of her weekend by delivering a now useless husband who’ll spend the next two days on the couch in his underpants bingeing on Star Wars.

Nicknames are based in truth and all 10 syllables of mine inspired me to take a bit more responsibility for my health and wellbeing, so I’m proud to announce I’ve just completed my very first Dry July. For a whole month I consumed nothing but Carlton Dry, Toohey’s Extra Dry, Hahn Super Dry, Canadian Club and Dry with the odd Dry Martini thrown in for a bit of balance. The results were ‘staggering’ (pardon the dad’s joke) and all things considered, it was a piece of piss (pardon the pun). I am so doing it again next year! The only real side effect was that my Lazy Gene flared up a bit.

It was my turn to make dinner and I’d decided on Taco’s, because they don’t require a lot of time and effort and would allow me to spend more time doing my favourite thing; which is nothing, I love doing nothing. So I was running through the ingredients in my head and knowing that my wife had been to Rusty’s on the weekend I called her at work to ask if we had any capsicums at home. After confirming that we did indeed have some in the veggie crisper she asked where I was and what I was doing - I should have lied. ‘I’m right in the middle of doing nothing… sitting on the back deck with a beer… at home’. It was unambiguously pointed out to me that I am without doubt the unopposed Mayor of LazyTown - a man who calls his wife at work to ask what’s in the fridge, a fridge that is no more than 5 metres away from him, because he couldn’t be bothered getting out of his chair. I must say, I wear the mayoral robes well.

With my first Dry July done and dusted I’ve now set my sights on a much bigger challenge; ‘Don’t Remember September’. Bring. It. On.

BREAKFAST WITH

dave and inkie

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