Parent Resource Article

Parent Resource

Turning Toward Our Children: Answering Bids for Connection

B y R e b e c c a E a n e s

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World-renowned relationship researcher and co-founder of The Gottman Institute, Dr. John Gottman, has conducted 40 years of research with thousands of people. From his research has emerged a practice that is important to the emotional connection between two people – the act of “turning toward” your loved one when a bid is made. What is a bid? According to Gottman, a bid is an attempt to get attention, affection, or acceptance. It is a bid for emotional connection. “Will you play with me?” is an obvious bid, but not all bids are so clear. Therefore, it is good to familiarize ourselves with what bids are and to be mindful, being on the lookout for what our children say or do that may be a bid for connection. How we respond to these bids has a great impact on the connectedness we share with our loved ones. There are 3 responses to bids: positive (turning toward), negative (turning away), and no response (turning away). Take for example a simple bid for attention. “Will you play with me?” A positive response would either be “Yes, let’ s play ” or something like

“Oh, I would LOVE to play with you. You are my favorite person in the whole world to play with. At 6:00, I’ll be finished with my work and ready to play. Let’ s make it a date!” This helps the child feel acknowledged and important. Each time you turn toward your child in this way, Gottman says you are making a deposit in their Emotional Bank Account. A negative response would be “Can ’t you see I’ m busy?” or a flat “Not now. ” Too many negative responses significantly damage the relationship. No response might be a scowl and a waving away of the hand or completely ignoring that the child even spoke, which may be the most painful response of all. Bids are offered both verbally and nonverbally, and it isn ’t always easy to discern that a bid is being made, which is why being aware and positively responsive is key in building emotional connection. A toddler who holds his arms up to be picked up is making a bid for attention or affection. Poor behavior may also be a bid. How should we respond if a child makes a bid in a negative way, such as through misbehavior or a tantrum? Conventional parenting wisdom says to respond negatively so as not to reinforce the poor behavior or tantrum, but children are often doing the best they can in that moment to get their needs met. No matter if the bid comes in the form of a sweet “ mommy or daddy, let’ s play ” or a screaming tantrum, the message is exactly the same. “Notice me. Show me I matter. ”

By giving a positive, loving response to the bid no matter what form it comes in, we fill our child’ s emotional bank account and build connection. A child with a full bank is less likely to make bids in negative ways.

Here are some ways to

“turn toward” your children when a bid is made:

Be attentive when they ’ re speaking to you. When we are too busy to look up and pay attention, we miss an important chance for connection. Be intentional about putting away distractions and focusing on your loved ones as often as possible. Be concerned about what they are concerned with. Even if what they are concerned about seems trivial, showing that you are concerned because they are builds the relationship. Convey the message “ you are known and accepted” as much as you can. Avoid criticism and these 3 other relationship destroyers (see column to the right). Say

“ yes ” to play. We have lots of other things to do, but nothing more important. Greet with enthusiasm. In the morning, after school, or after any extended separation, greet your children with warmth and a smile. Showing our children that we delight in them is a very simple but powerful connection builder.

It isn ’t possible to always give positive responses to bids, and that’ s okay. The intention is to try, and when we fail, we can always come back to repair by making our own bids to them. As with all relationships, it’ s about the quality of connection, not the presence of perfection.

4 Parental Behaviors to Avoid

Horseman #1: Criticism Parents often use criticism in an attempt to motivate a child to do better, but criticism rarely motivates. It tears down. Criticism is pointing out something negative – basically shining a spotlight on the child’ s flaws and negative traits. The problem is that, according to Dr. Julie Gottman, “kids take in all that criticism as a way of reflecting who they are. ” It makes children believe that there is something wrong with them. I’ ve said before that parents should be the people who see the best in our children and shine the spotlight on their good qualities. Children can ’t see and live up to the best in themselves if we ’ re always pointing out the worst.

Examples of Criticism: “You ’ re so clumsy. ” “Why can ’t you ever remember to make your bed? What is wrong with you?” “Look at this mess! You ’ re too lazy to clean your room. ” “You ’ re spoiled rotten and don ’t appreciate anything!” What are kids really hearing in these phrases? Be more careful to not spill your drink? Please be responsible and make your bed? I’d like for you to tidy your room? I wish you were more appreciative? No. They ’ re hearing: You ’ re clumsy. You ’ re stupid. You ’ re lazy. You ’ re spoiled. Any motivation to do better is squashed under the weight of shame. The Fix: Leave out character judgments and use “I statements ” to state what you want. “Oops, it spilled. I want you to get a cloth and wipe it up. ” “I want you to make your bed, please. ” “I want you to clean your room before you go to your friend’ s house. ”

Horseman #2: Contempt Contempt is criticism coming from a place of superiority. It comes out as name-calling, sneering, eye-rolling, sarcasm, hostile humor, and mockery. Interestingly, contempt not only predicted how relationships would go but it predicted how many infectious illnesses the listener would have in the coming year! I can only conclude from that information that talking down to a child tears down more than his self-esteem.

Examples of Contempt: “Stupid brat!” “Are you ignorant? Why would you do that?” “You wouldn ’t even think of picking up your clothes, would you?” “Aw, look at the little baby crying again! Wah wah!” The Fix: The antidote for contempt is respect. Treat your child with the same respect you want her to treat you with. Horseman #3: Defensiveness Defensiveness is described as a reaction against feeling personally attacked; self-protection through righteous indignation or playing the victim. In the parent-child relationship, the parent may feel defensive when he realizes he was actually in the wrong or when a child points out the parent’ s flaws (criticizes the parent). Basically, defensiveness says “the problem is not me, it’ s you. ” It’ s avoiding taking responsibility by placing blame on the child.

Examples of Defensiveness: “I wouldn ’t have yelled if you ’d have done what you were told!” “I shouldn ’t have called you stupid, BUT you made me so angry. ” The Fix: Accept responsibility for your part in the problem, and listen to how your child is feeling with an attempt to truly understand her position. “I shouldn ’t have called you stupid. I’ m sorry. ” “I apologize for yelling. I lost my temper. ” Horseman #4: Stonewalling Stonewalling is withdrawing from the conversation before everyone feels the issue is settled. I can think of primarily 2 instances of parental stonewalling. One is a withdrawal of emotional presence when frustrated with the child. Giving a child the cold shoulder or the silent treatment is a form of stonewalling. The other is ending the conversation with a blatant disregard for the child’ s position. “We ’ re not going to discuss this. My decision is final. ”

Understandably, there are times when something is not up for discussion and the parent must put their foot down, but when this is the norm in the relationship, the child feels he has no voice and no one to appeal to. When children feel that their viewpoint doesn ’t matter to us, they ’ll eventually stop trying to communicate with us at all. Examples of Stonewalling: Ignoring your child in an attempt to manipulate behavior. “This is not up for discussion. ” “It doesn ’t matter what you think. My decision is made. ” “I don ’t want to hear it. ”

The Fix: If anger or frustration is causing you to put up an emotional wall, then the antidote is learning physiological self-soothing. Take a break from the conversation to calm down, then come back to it 20 minutes or so later. If you ’ re purposefully stonewalling in an attempt to manipulate a child’ s behavior, consider if this is a behavior you ’d want your child to use. Chances are you ’d be pretty upset if given the silent treatment by your child until you changed your mind about letting her see that movie she wants to go to. The one tip that will help you avoid all of the 4 horsemen is to create a culture of respect in your relationship with your child. It’ s not only possible to respectfully correct and discipline a child, but it is key for a healthy relationship.