MAXIM Australia March 2012

KI L L ER E L ITE B A B E

NAKED TRUTHS WE REVIEW THE SEX TIPS IN WOMEN’S MAGS

Yvonne Strahovski

AUSTRALIA´s

“A

polar bear ate my head!”

HOTTEST

Real-life survival story

HOLLYWOOD STARLET

GUT BUSTING

Joint effo rt The w or

BIGGEST LOSER WORKOUT

ld most ston ’s ed socc er team

Issue 8 • MARCH 2012

PRINT POST APPROVED PP 255003/10075

AUST $8.95 NZ $10.20 (INC GST)

www.maxim.com.au www.facebook.com/maximau www.twitter.com/maxim_AU

Polish strip clubs Mark Wahlberg NBA Special starring LeBron James The World Testicle Cooking Championships

MARCH 2012 ISSUE 8

Contents REGULARS ⊲ CIRCUS MAXIMUS P.10

FEATURES

2012 Surfing World Tour preview, shadow puppetry, and really scary movies.

⊲ YVONNE STRAHOVSKI P.30 The sexy Aussie actress stars in Killer Elite and has looks to die for.

⊲ YOU’LL NEVER SMOKE ALONE P.40 Meet Denmark’s weed-loving soccer team. Great under the high ball.

⊲ MOUTH P.20

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Mark Wahlberg reflects on his “Marky Mark” persona. And his mad sniping skills.

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⊲ MACHINES P. 46

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BMW, Ford, Holden, a couple of pick-ups and a Nike concept car.

⊲ ANNETTE MELTON P.56

⊲ SEX P.78

Perhaps you’ve seen this sexy Sydney girl in TV ads? Well, you’ve never seen her like this.

We test the dubious bedroom “tips” from women’s mags.

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⊲ BAR P.80 Deciphering tatts, and this month’s freshest new lager.

⊲ “A POLAR BEAR ATE MY HEAD!” P.64

⊲ HEALTH & FITNESS P.84

Find out just how much it hurt in this true story.

⊲ NBA SPECIAL P.70

The Biggest Loser’s Michelle Bridges whips us into shape.

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The league’s sharpest shooters and highest fliers discuss dunks and dreadlocks.

⊲ RATED P. 102 Lots of zombies, not quite enough nudity, and a fire-breathing Johnny Depp.

⊲ THE WORLD TESTICLE COOKING CHAMPIONSHIPS P.88

⊲ TRAVEL P. 114 Our associate editor drops big dollars in Krakow’s top strip joint.

Need we explain this article any further?

⊲ 24 HOURS TO LIVE P. 130

⊲ MILLA JOVOVICH P.94 We love her movies almost as much as we love her in lingerie.

Family Guy star Seth Green wants to be flung from a slingshot into the afterlife.

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MAXIM AUSTRALIA Phone: +612-9387-3180 Mail: PO Box 1382, Bondi Junction 1355 Email: maxim@maxim.com.au Web: www.maxim.com.au Facebook: www.facebook.com/maximau Twitter: www.twitter.com/maxim_au

EDITORIAL EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Santi Pintado (spintado@nuclear.com.au) ASSOCIATE EDITOR: Daniel Steiner (dsteiner@nuclear.com.au) ART DIRECTOR: Luke Shaddock (lshaddock@nuclear.com.au) FASHION EDITOR: Livia Tassanyi GROOMING EDITOR: Shonagh Walker MOTORING: Bill Varetimidis GAMING & TECH: Chris Stead STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER: Wayne Daniels

kiLLer eLite BaBe

Yvonne StrahovSki

nAKed trUthS WE REVIEW THE SEX TIPS IN WOMEN’S MAGS

AUSTRALIA´S

“A polAr beAr Ate my heAd!”

HOTTEST

Real-life suRvival stoRy

HOLLYWOOD STARLET

GUt bUStinG

CONTRIBUTORS Dan Bova, Michelle Bridges, Jesse Brukman, Scott Cam, Stefan Candby, Patrick Carone, Sarah Choi, Aaron Cliff, Simon De La Torre, Josh Dean, Samara Eldridge, Ljubomir Erović, Gabrielle Hollander, Scott Jacobson, Zoran Jevtic, Ellen Jones, Laura Leu, Odile Markovich, Brendan McGinley, Sam Means, Steve Nash, Marko Nikolić, Seth Porges, Mike Sacks, Esther Smith, Artur Szklarczyk, Anna Wexler, Jesse Will PHOTOGRAPHERS: Daniel Chojnacki, Bob Croslin, Ljubomir Erović, Jason Fong, Ludvig Fjeld, Zoran Jevtic, Matt Jones, Lisa Quiñones, Chris McPherson, Jeff Minton, Marko Nikolić, Anna Wexler, Nick Wilson, Stephan Würth ILLUSTRATORS: Erik Kriek, Tim Marrs advertising NSW/VIC/QLD: Drew Haywood (dhaywood@nuclear.com.au) SA: OKeeffe Media: Jodie Chester 08 7225 0299 WA: OKeeffe Media: Licia Salomone 08 9381 7590

Joint effo rt the W or

biGGeSt loSer WorKoUt

ld’s Most st socc oNed e teaM r

NUCLEAR MEDIA MANAGING DIRECTOR: Michael Downs MARKETING DIRECTOR: Natalie Downs NATIONAL SALES MANAGER: Drew Haywood (dhaywood@nuclear.com.au)

issue 8 • marcH 2012 aust $8.95 NZ $10.20 (iNc Gst)

PRINT POST APPROVED PP 255003/10075

Polish striP clubs Mark Wahlberg Nba sPecial starriNg lebroN JaMes the World testicle cookiNg chaMPioNshiPs

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COVER PHOTO: STEPHAN WÜRTH

ON THE COVER 20 mark wahlberg 30 yvonne strahovski 40 JOINT EFFORT: STONED SOCCER 64 “a polar bear ate my head”

70 nba special 78 NAKED TRUTHS 84 biggest loser workout 88 Testicle cooking CHAMPIONSHIPS 114 polish strip clubs

MAXIM Australia is published in Australia and New Zealand by Nuclear Enterprises Pty Ltd, trading as Nuclear Media. ABN 88 241 311 732. PO Box 1382, Bondi Junction NSW 1355. +612-9387-3180. info@nuclear.com.au.

Distributed by Gordon & Gotch, 1300-650-666. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written consent of Nuclear Media. No responsibility is accepted for accuracy of advertisements or information. Opinions voiced in MAXIM Australia are the opinions of the writers and may not reflect the opinions of Nuclear Media.

Any editorial submissions to MAXIM Australia become the property of Nuclear Media. ISSN 1839 0641.

The name “MAXIM” and the logo thereof are registered trademarks of Alpha Media Group Inc., which trademarks have been licensed in Australia to Nuclear Media. Copyright © 2011 Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. MAXIM® is a registered trademark owned by Alpha Media Group Inc. All rights reserved. MAXIM is published monthly by Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. 415 Madison Ave, New York, NY 10017.

Tel 212-302-2626 Fax 212-302-2635 maximonline.com

ALPHA MEDIA GROUP Executive Chairman: Jack Kliger CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER & GENERAL COUNSEL: David Simcox CHIEF MARKETING OFFICER: Paul LaRocca

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RUSSIA Sasha Malenkov SERBIA Nebojsa Prijic SOUTH KOREA Young-Bee Lee SWITZERLAND Boris Etter

THAILAND Sirote Petchjamroansuk UKRAINE Sasha Malenkov UNITED KINGDOM Stuart Messham UNITED STATES Dan Bova

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Dream girl Hannah Simone – the breakout hottie from our favourite new sitcom, New Girl, makes smart sexy again

H

ow’s this for a recession-proof résumé? Hannah Simone has moved from working as a model and doing humanitarian work with the United Nations to starring as Zooey Deschanel’s scene-stealing sidekick on the quirky sitcom New Girl. And like her street-smart character, Cece, the talented Ms Simone has the brains to back up her beauty.

Are you excited to be in MAXIM? I’m very excited to be in MAXIM. Of course I am! When I got the call, I was so flattered.

So you’re a loyal reader?

When I’m flying I’ll pick it up, and I’ll get the most interesting looks from men. Like, why is a girl buying MAXIM to read on the plane? The women always look so beautiful.

We hear you have a degree in international relations and have worked with the UN. Could we possibly see a President Simone sometime soon?

I’m more interested in humanitarian issues than going into politics. I worked as the human rights and refugees officer for the United Nations Association of the UK, and it’s one of my great passions.

You used to host the competitive reality show WCG Ultimate Gamer.

Are you much of a gamer?

I’m a casual gamer – let’s put it that way. I was there to keep them in line and move the show along. It was really nice to be the authority figure on the show.

“Zooey Deschanel has the most angelic, beautiful large eyes.”

You were kind of like the enforcer, right? (Check out Hannah’s fine work on YouTube).

Right! I loved it. I’d walk on the set and all the contestants would be like, “Oh, God, Hannah’s here.

What are we gonna have to do?”

I loved that! I’m a pretty nice person, so people don’t usually react to me like that. I was like, ‘Wow!’ It’s really powerful.

On New Girl you play a model. And you’ve worked as a model. Very

important question: Which has more pillow fights – the show’s portrayal of being a model or the real thing?

Well, I’m sorry to say, there have been no pillow fights so far on New Girl, and there were no pillow fights in the modelling industry when I was in it. It’s a shame. I wish there were more exciting feathers flying around.

Has Zooey Deschanel ever hypnotised you with her eyes?

No, but she does have the most angelic, beautiful large eyes. They feel supernatural.

Our favourite line on the show so far is when you threaten to “crazymurder” somebody. What is crazymurder, exactly?

I think the original line was, “I’m gonna come over and use a tiny axe and shove a plant up your arse.”

I just think it means you’re not gonna go down easy, you know? There will be pain and weirdness involved.

You play a pretty tough character.

Did you prepare for the role by hanging out with roughnecks?

I run my own gang! So I just take inspiration from my own life. No, I didn’t hang out with any gangs, but I think I’m pretty street-smart. I’m the best friend who gets called when people get caught in trouble. They know that if you call Hannah, she’ll be there for you – no judgment.

What’s the worst pick-up line you’ve copped?

I was at a party, and this guy taps me on the shoulder and goes, “I got you a lychee martini – an exotic drink for an exotic-looking girl.” I knocked the drink back and left.

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“I wish there were more pillow fights in the modelling industry.”

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words: seth porges; photos: chris mcpherson; Styling: jada fitzgerald/exclusive artists; hair: stephen lewis/exclusive artists; make-up: sammy mourabit

Status Update Hometown: Los Angeles, California.

Birthday: August 3, 1980.

WORLD RECORD: “World’s meanest cat. My animal has hospitalised people.

And I still have him.”

DREAM SUPERPOWER: “To snap my fingers and be in another place. My family lives all over, so it would be the best.”

PET PEEVE: “Please keep your mouth shut when you’re chewing.”

CELEB CRUSH: “Hugh Laurie. I grew up watching him as a young, dashing comedian from England, and I thought he was so great and awkward and funny.”

Want to see her video? For exclusive footage from Hannah’s hot shoot, go to: www.maxim.com.au

MAXIM.COM.AU

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ASKMAXIM

If you’ve got a question you want answered, send it to us at: maxim@maxim.com.au

Is it possible to get permanently high?

Joel, Byron Bay, NSW

Nope! “The brain eventually adapts to the drug, and it loses its effect,” says Wilkie A Wilson, PhD, professor of pharmacology and co-author of Buzzed. “In fact, the brain tends to adapt to anything that is repetitive – which is why we seek novel experiences in our lives.” That’s not to say that substances can’t seriously mess up your mind. Stimulants like methamphetamine and cocaine can cause long-term psychosis, which is less like being high and more like being shit-yourpants crazy.

Dumb question of the month One of you actually asked this…

Why do we have finger and toe nails? Mark, via email You were born with built-in multitools and, what, you’re complaining? Think about it: what else can be used to fight off bears, open beers, and activate scratch ’n’ sniff stickers?

According to anthropologist Ellen Miller, our ancestors used nails to pick up food, grasp trees, and basically not die. Fun fact: Our nails are made from the protein keratin – the same stuff that’s found in hooves and horns. So, basically, you’re a unicorn, Mark!

Why does cracking my back feel so good?

Rob, via email

Would a suit of diamond armour make me invincible?

Shaun, Launceston, Tas

Geologist Stephen Lenhart, PhD, is here to literally shatter your fantasy. “Although diamonds are an extremely strong material, they are also brittle and wouldn’t stand up to much in the way of impact. So the short answer is no.”

In terms of warfare, diamonds would be more effective as bullets. Glamorous, girl’s-best-friend bullets!

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“When you get adjusted, the joint moves and a pocket of nitrogen is released, which is what the ‘cracking’ refers to,” explains massage therapist Jezariah Munyer. And why does it feel so good? “It resets the nerve so it’s no longer irritated and also increases your circulation, which gives you that kind of flush feeling.”

Sounds plausible, but let’s ask a real doctor! Says Andrew Sama, MD, a surgeon at the Spine Care Institute at the Hospital for Special Surgery in New York City: “When the joint capsules in the spine are stretched, pressure causes natural gas in the synovial fluid to come out of solution and ‘pop’. This sense of release feels good to some, who get relief from cracking their joints.”

Just say yes to crack, Rob.

disarm a dude waving a pool cue

HOW TO...

John Perkins, a former forensic investigator and the founder of attackproof.com, explains what's involved if you'd prefer to avoid getting smacked around like an eight ball

BONUS HOW TO... stop an overflowing toilet

O H S H pen the top and push down on the flapper valve (the little rubbery thing at the bottom) to stop water flowing into the bowl.

oist up the float at the top of the tank.

This will prevent more water from entering the cistern.

STEP 1 Dive in close like a sprinter launching from the starting block, raising your left hand toward his eyes to deflect the strikes. The closer in you are, the weaker his blow will be.

STEP 2 As you move in, palm-strike him under the chin with your right hand as if throwing a shot put.

This delivers more stopping power and is safer for your hand than a punch.

upply valve: Find it behind the toilet and turn it clockwise to close.

i dden or missing valve?

Grab the tube sending water into the bowl through the vertical standpipe (it’s the one supporting the flapper valve) and redirect it into the tank.

I T

STEP 3 Knee him in the groin or thigh as you step into the palm strike. Don’t rise up: Contract your diaphragm as if coughing or sneezing. This adds power and speed without compromising balance.

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STEP 4 If he’s still a threat, continue to move through him and elbow him in the head or neck. Then get to a safe place, check for injuries, and call the police.

And remember: Try to avoid trouble in the first place!

h e water won’t go back down? Call a plumber; your septic tank is probably backed up.

ILLUSTRATIONS: ERIK KRIEK

f this hasn’t stopped the flow, use a plunger (slowly at first) to unblock the pipes.

you tell which is the gang sign Tricky Hand Job Can and which is the shadow puppet?

1

2

3

4

5

6

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Answers 1. Latin Kings 2. BK Blood Killa 3. Bird 4. Bloods 5. Dog 6. Goose 7. Bear 8. Mafia Crips

Corbin shows us his deck Aussie skater Corbin Harris has finally “turned pro”.

Here, he talks boards and the Southern Hemisphere’s biggest skate event, the VANS BOWL-A-RAMA

“I’ve been a pro skateboarder travelling on the world tour for around eight to 10 years. You’re classed as a pro when you you get invited to professional events. In the industry, “turning pro” means getting your name on a deck, so

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now I’ve “turned pro” for Element Skateboards. Basically, to get a board with your name on it means you’ve made it. And once you get your name on a shoe, that’s pretty much as high as it gets.”

“Element have turned maybe 40 or 50 people pro since 1992. Everyone gets a different style of board. Todd Francis did mine. It has the Element logo on the nose, has my name in big letters across the deck, and in the background is a silhouette of where the rider grew up – in my case, it’s Bondi. It’s cool having a board alongside people

like Chad Muska and Bam Margera.”

“Bondi’s a nice place to skate – it’s on the water, there are lots of girls, and it’s got the VANS BOWL-A-RAMA, which is the biggest pro concrete event in the Southern Hemisphere.

The BOWL is also a festival week, with art shows and parties.”

“The first trick I mastered was the melon grab. I didn’t wanna use it in comps because I did it so much and guys would be like, “You gonna do another one of those, buddy?”

This year, in terms of tricks, I’d like to be doing 540s without pads on.

Overall, though, I just wanna spend more time on-board.”

“One thing I love about action sports

is you can build your own career.

I remember sitting down years ago and listing the best companies in the world – and they’re the ones I’m with now: Nike, Element, BlackBerry, Lexus. Who’d think a skateboarder would ever be associated with those companies?

In America, Shaun White advertises tyres and action athletes appear in, like, every second hip-hop film clip. It shouldn’t be too long before that’s the case in Australia.”

VANS BOWL-A-RAMA runs from February 22 – 26 at Bondi Beach. For more: bowlarama.com.au

MA IM MOUTH

Mark Wahlberg It’s been 21 years since “Good Vibrations” exploded onto the music scene. Now, the man formerly known as “Marky Mark” just wants to eat chocolate cookies and watch Family Guy with his kids. But don’t make the Contraband star angry – he can shoot you from two kilometres away

“I can hit a target from 2000 yards with a rifle.”

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Does playing a character like Chris Farraday, a reformed smuggler, make you think about your past?

You know, I have changed – obviously, drastically – but it’s pretty easy to tap back into that mentality and that mindset. And I love the parts where I get to go off and be a little crazy and beat the crap out of people, especially Giovanni [Ribisi] and Ben [Foster].

to start training.” So I’ve been getting up at 4:30am and going down to the gym for about an hour-and-a-half. I’m eating clean.

I normally eat healthy anyway but after The Fighter I had weird cravings for chocolate cookies, red wine, and a lot of pasta. You think you can eat whatever you want if you’ve always been in shape, but once you’re a certain age, your metabolism slows down.

What’s the one thing you regret from your past?

There are many things but I can’t really do anything to change it now, so I just try to move forward and better myself as an individual.

How was filming in Panama?

There were no rules in Panama.

Shooting in New York now is not like shooting in New York when we did The Basketball Diaries [1995].

It’s totally different. Now there are so many restrictions. I was shooting a couple of weeks ago and we went a block away from where our permit was because there was so much traffic. We were doing a scene where I come out, I’m very upset, and I throw a bottle.

So I threw a bottle and I smashed it off a car, and next thing you know, I have to call the Mayor and apologise. I have to take out new permits or I’m not going to be able to shoot in New York anymore.

But in Panama, we just got off the plane, got in the vans with the cameras, and did whatever we wanted. They were like, “Just drive.” And I was like, “Where?”

They were like, “Anywhere. Just go, and drive as fast as you can!”

I was like, “OK! No problem!”

What would you illegally smuggle out of or into America if you had the all-clear?

Why would I smuggle anything into the States? I’ve got everything I need here. We used to – back in the day – bring marijuana to other places when we didn’t know how to get it there. But I wouldn’t carry it myself because that would not be a good idea, having been a convicted felon.

You’ve kept yourself in great physical shape for years. Do you make a big effort to keep fit?

After The Fighter, I didn’t do any training and ate like a pig and drank a lot of wine. And when we were shooting this movie, the director was like, “Dude, you’ve got to start getting in shape. You’re getting bigger and bigger.” But I was like, “It’s not happening.” But with this movie that I’m shooting now [Broken City], eight weeks out they were like, “Dude, you’ve got

Did they recognise you in Panama?

Some people did. I think being recognised has its pros and cons.

It was always good when I wanted to get into a nightclub but I don’t

go to nightclubs any more. The only time it bothers me is if I’m in church and I’m on my knees, and they go, “Hey, are you Matt Damon?”

You seem like a guy who'd be pretty handy with a gun. When was the last time you fired one?

I’ve had lots of weapons training for films. The first film I ever did was Renaissance Man and my character was not a good student but he was an excellent shot. He was a marksman in the military.

So I’ve been playing with guns for quite a long time. On The Departed I hit a target at 2000 yards [1.83km] on my second day of training with the 50 Caliber CheyTac rifle.

Do you own any guns?

No. I’m a convicted felon, so it’s against the law for me to own a gun. And I don’t like guns, unless they’re in the proper hands to protect innocent people. Movies are one thing – I’m able to differentiate between entertainment and reality – but I think the world would be a much better place if all the guns were taken away.

How did you feel about Entourage ending?

It was definitely bittersweet, but hopefully we’ll do the movie. We are just waiting on [creator] Doug [Ellin] to bring the script.

Which show are you more proud of executive producing: Entourage or Boardwalk Empire?

Well, more importantly, I’m proud

“It can be annoying when people come up to me in church and ask, 'Hey, are you Matt Damon?'”

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of the Golden Globe recognition.

We won for Boardwalk Empire and that was the only time we’ve ever won. We were nominated again this year, which was very exciting.

It’s awesome.

You’ve been nominated for an Oscar – that must be alright?

When I got nominated for The Departed, people were like, “Is that going to make you change the way you choose your roles?”

I was like, “Definitely not.” I want to do something different every time.

Do your kids factor in your choice of role?

Nowadays, certainly, yeah. It would be very hard to do a movie like Boogie Nights now, and I know that’s going to be a tough one to explain to the kids.

Is that why you chose to do Ted, the sweary teddy bear flick, with Seth MacFarlane?

That’s definitely not a kids’ movie.

That’s going to be as dark and

twisted as any movie I’ve done.

Seth MacFarlane is a crazy person, in the best sense of the word. He is so talented and smart, but he is pushing a lot of boundaries with that movie.

Cleveland Show, all of them.

I just thought they were regular cartoons. I didn’t know what the hell was going on!

What goes through your mind when you hear your song “Good Are you a Family Guy fan?

Vibrations” these days?

You know, it’s not my favourite Yeah, but I had never seen the show before Ted, so Ari [Emanuel, thing. Early on I wanted to distance myself from it because I wanted to Mark’s agent] calls me and goes, be taken seriously as an actor and “Look, you’ve got to meet with I knew that that wouldn’t – in any Seth and I want you to see a couple of his shows.” So they send way, shape or form – help me. But me this DVD and I’m like, “Oh, it’s a it’s all part of my make-up. It’s all part of who I am today. cartoon – I’ll get my kids and they can watch it with me.” Seriously.

How uncool do you think your So I sit my daughter and my son kids will find it? down in the bed and we’re laughing so hard – it was the 150th I don’t want my kids seeing it!

They’re going to go, “What the episode. My wife comes in and is heck were you thinking, dad?” like, “What the hell is going on in It’s not the coolest thing in the here?” And she gets so upset world. But most people don’t because it’s not appropriate for have most of their childhood the kids, but I didn’t even think about that, as it’s a cartoon. I don’t or teenage years documented laugh that easily, but I was howling on film or video. So I’ve got some explaining to do. with laughter. Since then, I’ve Steve Nash been watching Family Guy, The

“When I hear 'Good Vibrations', it’s not exactly my favourite thing.”

Top Marks Wahlberg’s most memorable roles

Boogie Nights

In the 1997 saga about the golden age of porn, Mark played Dirk Diggler, the man with the giant dong. He also managed to get critics hard with this performance.

Three Kings

Viewers scored a rad trio of leads in George Clooney, Ice Cube, and Mark Wahlberg. The ensuing 1999 Gulf War heist movie is a wacky, politically-charged ride.

The Departed

The best movie of 2006 (as voted by the Academy) was also Wahlberg’s finest work – which explains his Oscar nom for Staff Sergeant Dignam, the headstrong, foul-mouthed cop.

Max Payne

The 40-year-old admits this is the role he’s most enjoyed playing. Meh. Despite featuring him, Mila Kunis, and violent setpieces, the 2008 adaptation was a pretty ordinary affair.

The Other Guys

In 2010, Mark starred opposite veteran sidesplitter Will Ferrell in a buddy-cop parody.

His ridiculous riffs on animals and ballet prove the action man is also a capable comedy force.

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T S O M 3 1 theTENTIONALLY

Y R A C S UNIN

CINEMATIC MOMENTS THAT WILL HAUNT US TO OUR DYING DAY

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Knocked Up

Listen when we tell you this: while the first 86 minutes of this ridiculous, offensive, Justin Timberlake-in-a-Speedo-filled Mike Myers train wreck might feel like torture, you’ve got to stick with it! Those sweet, sweet two minutes of closing credits are like a deeptissue massage for the soul. Your chakras won’t know what hit them.

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Dan in Real Life

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⊲ The horror: The head of Seth Rogen’s love child “crowns” in the delivery room.

⊲ The horror: Gary Busey gets down in drag.

⊲ The horror: Steve Carell sings “Let My Love Open the Door” while playing acoustic guitar and quietly weeping.

Katherine Heigl is a beautiful woman – one of the most beautiful women in the world, actually. She’s a woman we’ve prayed to the Lord above to let us see naked. And our vengeful, hateful God delivered by allowing us to witness a flesh-colored bowling ball bulldoze its way through her vagina. Thanks for the nightmares, Yahweh.

Just imagine: the most terrifying scene in a Steven Seagal film doesn’t even involve Steven Seagal! During the Captain’s birthday party, Commander Krill (Busey) joins the band onstage wearing a house dress, a wig, and a pair of falsies. It wasn’t in the script, but that’s what happens when you ask Gary Busey to work on a Tuesday.

During a family talent show (!), a widowed Steve Carell gets choked up and begins crying while performing an acoustic ren­dition of the saptastic Pete Towns­hend tune. A scene so sickeningly sweet and embarrassingly endearing, you can almost see Carell’s penis tearing itself from his body and running for its life.

scare hair Presenting the most terrifying – and PTSDinducing – cinematic coifs ever

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Under Siege

⊲ The horror: Oh, you know, just the first 86 minutes of it.

MAXIM.COM.AU

⊳ NICOLAS CAGE, Con Air

Nic Cage’s magnificent mullet extensions and attempt at a Southern accent make the fakest on-screen pair since Heidi Montag.

⊳ TOM CRUISE, M:I II

The sweet Cruise-Thandie Newton car chase, with its slo-mo head flips of Maverick’s haircut, made us question his sexuality, as well as our own. Why couldn’t we stop staring at it?!

⊳ TOM HANKS, The Da Vinci Code

Billed as a “bone-chilling thriller,” the only horror to come out of this flick was the Advanced Hair Studio ad that was Hanks’ head.

⊳ TOBEY MAGUIRE, Spider-Man 3

Other than that Ned & Stacey dude turning into a sand monster, this provided few surprises besides the discovery that Maguire’s acting range is only augmented by “evil” bangs.

ILLUSTRATIONS: MIKE SACKS, SCOTT JACOBSON, SAM MEANS, DAN BOVA

E M I T L L A F O ES N E C S MOVIE A SALUTE TO

1

The Love Guru

The Happening

5

⊲ The horror: Mark Wahlberg teaches science in this M Night Shyamalan bomb.

“To be a scientist, you must have a respectful awe for the laws of nature.” So goes the wisdom stiffly imparted by our mate Mark to a classroom full of students – poor, godforsaken students. The only lesson we ever needed from professor Marky Mark came courtesy of his 1991 hit “Good Vibrations”: “Drug free, so put the crack up!”

About Schmidt

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⊲ The horror: Kathy Bates drops her silk robe and climbs into a hot tub with Jack Nicholson.

“I’m an extremely sexual person,” says Kathy Bates’ character in Alexander Payne’s take on oldster angst. When her robe hit the ground, delivering a frontal display of her top-shelf goods, our wood went the way of James Caan’s sledgehammered legs in Misery.

Robin Hood

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⊲ The horror: Kevin Costner wrestling with a British accent for the entire two hours.

Have you ever wondered what the old English folk legend would be like if Robin Hood spoke with a surfer dude accent and palled around with Christian Slater?

Mmm... us neither. “I would die for you,” says the Prince of Thieves to Maid Marian.

“Thou speaketh like Keanu Reeves,” should have been the reply.

Basic Instinct 2

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⊲ The horror: Sharon Stone uses a buff young stud’s finger as a dildo as she drives a supercar through the streets of London at high speeds, eventually crashing into the Thames as she orgasms.

MILF? More like a Mother We’d Like to Gently Lead Into the House to Wrap a Full-Length Robe Around. Watching Sharon Stone masturbate was just about as upsetting as… well, watching Sharon Stone masturbate.

Ratatouille

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⊲ The horror: A “cute” rat named Remy helps a bungling human chef named Linguini prepare a meal that wins over the harshest food critic in Paris.

The lesson that filmgoers are meant to take away from this film is to judge a person not by his appearance but by his talents and his heart. Anyone can do anything! We’ll try to remember that the next time we find mouse shit in our Chinese food.

Star Wars: Episode II

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⊲ The horror: Hayden Christensen’s rattail twirling round and round as not-quite-yet Darth Vader makes out with Natalie Portman.

Watching this intergalactic goober slobber on the hot-as-an-exploded-star Portman as they roll down a grassy hill in a scene more reminiscent of an STI awareness commercial destroyed any and all blood flow to our Dagobah system. Where’s Chewbacca when you need him?

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My Best Friend’s Girl

⊲ The horror: The moment when Dane Cook’s name appears in the opening credits.

You went with your girlfriend thinking that sitting through a harmless chick flick would be worth it for the post-movie sex.

But when the opening credits be­gan, a sickening chill went up your spine as reality hit: for the next two hours, a hair-dyed douche in Seven jeans would be skull-f–king you with terribleness.

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Sex and the City

⊲ The horror: The mark, right around hour two, when you stupidly and mistakenly think the thing is over.

Carrie has finally married Mr Big! Great, now let’s get the f–k out of here. Wait a second, why aren’t the credits rolling? Why aren’t the theatre lights coming on? Oh, God, no, it’s not over! There are still 20 minutes left of cock-hungry cougars shopping for Manolo Blahniks! No-o-o-o-o-o!

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Crumb ⊲ The horror: The mother and son chat.

“He’s a good person,” says Mrs Crumb about her eldest son, Charles, who hasn’t left the house in more than two decades and remains a virgin at 54. “At least he’s not out selling illegal drugs.” Cartoonist Robert Crumb – astonishingly, the “normal” one within this fetid gene pool – giggles and shakes his head. Months later Charles is dead by suicide. God, make this movie stop!

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FUEL TV surfing host and former world champion Mark Occhilupo previews the 2012 ASP World Tour

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast, Australia, Feb 25 – Mar 7 The Quiky Pro – it’s a really high-performance wave, and the spectators can get so close to the action. Look out for the locals in Joel Parkinson and Mick Fanning.

They really want to win that event – and both of them have – but last year it was taken out by Mr Kelly Slater.

He hasn’t committed to the tour yet but he does have a unit on the Gold Coast and, being a Quiky rider, he always shows up for this one. It’s an electric vibe and the crowds are huge when the local boys are on.

Rip Curl Pro © ASP/cEstari © ASP/KIRSTIN

Bells Beach, Australia, Apr 3 – 14 Completely different to the Goldy – we move from warm water into quite chilly conditions, so you’re out of board shorts and into a suit. The waves are different: The Gold Coast is a steep, fast wave, whereas Bells is bigger and has more slope.

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Billabong Rio Pro

Volcom Fiji Pro

Billabong Pro

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, May 9 – 21

Tavarua/Namotu, Fiji Jun 3 – 16

Jeffreys Bay, South Africa, Jul 11 – 22

The locals are dangerous over there. Look out for Gabriel Medina and Miguel Pupo, the Brazilian Connection. Tricky beach break conditions and the waves aren’t as good as Australia, so you revert to small wave tactics.

There’s usually a lot of backwash, so you’re timing’s gotta be right.

There’s the big statue of Christ in Rio, too, and it always helps to have him on your side.

Beautiful Fiji is back on the calendar. All the guys must be rubbing their hands together.

Even I wish I was back on tour for this one. There’s a bit of an inter-island rivalry going on: the Aussies stay on Namotu, while the Americans and Brazilians stay on Tavarua. You’ve got two of the best Lefts in the world in Namotu and Cloudbreak.

Everyone must be ecstatic to be returning.

This is one of the key examples of how the guys need to adapt throughout the year. You go from a big, nice, left-hand, warm water location to a right-hand point break in freezing conditions.

But the results are incredible.

Jeffreys Bay is maybe the best right-hander in the world – a long, long, high-performance wave.

It’s the last thing you want to think about in a heat but there are lots of sharks around.

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Billabong Pro Teahupoo Teahupoo, Taiarapu, French Polynesia, Aug 17 – 28 I used to have sleepless nights in the lead-up to this – you can hear the rumble of the ocean out on the reef, and knowing that you have to wake up and take on that wave in the morning is pretty demanding.

You don’t even think about your opponent – all that’s on your mind is making that drop, pulling into the biggest barrel of your life, and staying out of the reef. Epic.

© ASP/cEstari © ASP/KIRSTIN

South West Coast, France, Sep 26 – Oct 7

Peniche, Portugal, Oct 7 – 18

We move from the jungles of Tahiti, with only a few houses around, to the concrete jungle and big crowds. Highperformance, with a Left and a Right, the boys love it here. The Americans are a real threat. If Kelly’s still on tour and anywhere near the lead when Trestles comes around, it’s an ominous sign, because he usually wins this.

Probably the most challenging event because you never know what it’s going to do. They’ve got 30-foot [10m] tides there and every heat is different, from shore breaks to barrelling to being out at sea. You need to keep an eye on conditions, which is tough, because there are a lot of beautiful French women on the beach. You never know who’s gonna win in France because conditions vary so much.

The second European event is a full barrel-riding contest in cold water and a nice lead-up to Pipeline. It takes a barrelrider, and a really good one at that, to win. John John Florence is a definite contender.

O'Neill Cold Water Classic

Billabong Pipe Masters

Santa Cruz, California, United States, Nov 4 – 13

Banzai Pipeline, Oahu, Hawaii, Dec 9 – 21

A new event on the calendar in very, very cold water. The boys will need to find some really thick, flexible wetsuits. It’s a tricky wave, for sure, and local knowledge will come in handy, so American riders have the advantage. I went once and the water was too cold for me, so if you’re used to the temperature, that’s a big plus.

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The Colosseum of pro surfing.

Hopefully the world title is still up for grabs. I’m expecting a good battle in this final round, and having the 16 local wildcards in the mix adds another element. Florence, who grew up there, and Slater, who’s won Pipeline more than anyone, will step up. But you can’t forget the Aussies – Joel Parkinson made the final last year and Kieren Perrow’s made two finals in a row, and won in 2011.

The dark horse Julian Wilson had a full year on tour in 2011 and he’s a new kid on the block. I could see him taking out the Quiky Pro and possibly even the title. He surfs amazing and has gone a little under the radar.

The king As I said, Kelly Slater hasn’t committed to the tour but he hasn’t said he’s not doing it, either. I believe he’ll rock up at the Quiky Pro. But how many titles do you want? Maybe he wants to win every event, which has never been done before. He’s not getting any younger, and the standard of surfing is rising around him, but you can never rule him out.

For the first time in the history of the ASP World Tour, every event will be broadcast live on Fuel TV, beginning with the Quiksilver Pro on February 25

© ASP/KIRSTIN

Trestles, California, United States, Sep 16 – 24

© ASP/ROWLAND

Rip Curl Pro

Hurley Pro

© ASP/KIRSTIN

Quiksilver Pro France

PHOTOS: STEPHAN WÜRTH

Australia’s hottest Hollywood star, Yvonne Strahovski, has Robert De Niro and Jason Statham seeing stars in the action flick Killer Elite

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here are precious few actresses with the acting and action chops to stand up to big boys Robert De Niro and Jason Statham. Yvonne Strahovski is one of them. Playing a farm girl who gets caught up in a web of violence in Killer Elite, she adds some much-needed sexiness to an otherwise testosterone-heavy movie. Yvonne, who left Australia to play a dorky spy’s CIA contact in TV show Chuck, has more than just looks and talent. Just check out her three-in-one parody of Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and Ke$ha on the College Humor comedy website to witness the dazzling, down-to-earth Aussie’s (literally – she’s from Sydney’s beachside suburb Maroubra) sick sense of humour

They say you’ve only truly made it in Hollywood if you call Robert De Niro “Bob.” Did you?

I’ve called him Bob, so I guess I’ll tick that one off the bucket list.

How was meeting him?

I just knocked on his trailer door and there he was! I felt like a kid in a candy store – I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.

Is Jason Statham a total badarse?

No, he’s not Mr Tough Guy or anything.

He’s not ready to punch someone at all times.

As far as love interests go, you could do worse than him.

Yes, you certainly could! But we sort of had a brother-sister thing going on, which is gross, because we play lovers in Killer Elite.

Thought so. Moving on, what’s the biggest stereotype you’ve encountered about Australians?

People think there are kangaroos hopping around in the city, which, as you know, isn’t the case. They do, but only in… the bush.

There’s that word again! I’m really not trying to carry on the joke, but the thing I miss most about Australia is the bush.

You’d better be careful, because that’s gonna be the quote that ends up right next to your picture.

Oh, no! OK, I miss the “Australian forest”.

How’s that?

“If I’m feeling a little woozy from drinking, I eat bread. It makes everything better.”

Clive Owen also stars, although we were more interested in his LOL-worthy moustache than his performance. We’ve gotta know: Do women dig a mo?

I could be wrong, but I don’t know if the females dig the moustache. And this is one of those, you know, especially ’80s moustaches.

Your character works on a farm. Is that how you grew up?

Yes and no. I grew up in the suburbs of Sydney, but I spent lots of time in the bush, hiking and rock climbing and running around. So those scenes were very much in my comfort zone.

When you talk about “the bush” do Americans make cracks about needing a Brazilian wax?

Or an anti-Brazilian…

Much better.

What else do you miss about your homeland?

I love Tim Tams but I’m not eating sugar these days, so I can’t have them.

There are so many Australian chocolates that I love but I can’t eat anymore. I live vicariously when I come home – I watch people eat them. Or I’ll sniff them to get my fix. Wow, this interview is sounding worse and worse. All I’m talking about is sniffing and bush.

How is it sounding worse? You kick butt on Chuck, the TV show about a geekturned-spy. Do you have a martial arts background?

Not really, but I was a dancer from five till about 18, and it helps you remember the choreography. I did have to strengthen my moves a bit so they weren’t so balletic.

I once got sent an MP3 player with Bible movies on it.

That’s… Wow. Yeah. It was accompanied by a Bible as well, I think. I’ve also received some pretty interesting poetry. Like, nine pages of typed rhyming poetry from someone who was in love with me – and also an American football team. So the poetry would alternate between me and then the football team and then me again…

Creepy! However, anyone who can rhyme with Strahovski must be pretty skilled.

On Chuck, you fall for a geek. Is that what you like or are you more about the Statham-esque types?

I’m into a mix of both. I like a suave dude with some geek.

You did a great boozy puke when you played Ke$ha in that College Humor video last year. Was that from experience?

No, I’m not really big on the throwingup thing. I have a trick before it gets to that level, and that is to eat bread. If I’m feeling a little woozy, it makes everything better.

Keeping with K-E-dollar sign-HA, are you a fan of pop tunes?

They’re my favourite. Anything I can sing along to – you know, Katy Perry, Lady GaGa, all that stuff. When I dance, I do this thing called the Scissor Move, which is hard to explain but it’s like a simultaneous body roll with rotating scissor arm movements. My feet stay planted, though.

It looks like a pretty fun role to play.

Yeah, Chuck is a comedy-action-dramaromance, and I feel like I get to play one of the best female characters on TV.

You’re right, that is hard to explain.

Anyway, your family is from Poland and you can speak fluent Polish. Have you ever been wooed in your native tongue?

I’ve spent enough time there for it to have happened but I can’t say I’ve ever been picked-up in Polish.

Have you ever gotten any strange gifts from overzealous fans?

For shame, Polish brothers. Have a go!

Patrick Carone

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“There are so many Australian chocolates that I love but I can’t eat anymore.”

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Status Update HOMETOWN: Sydney, NSW. BIRTHDAY: July 30, 1982.

PARTY SPOT: Las Vegas. “I get bored gambling, but I love dancing. Last time I went I pulled an all-nighter.”

SIGNATURE DRINK: “Tequila on the rocks with a splash of fresh pineapple juice and fresh lime.”

TIME WASTER: Angry Birds. “I’m obsessed. I have all my watermelons and three stars in all the seasons, which I think is impressive.”

GUILTY PLEASURE: [TV show about children’s beauty pageants] Toddlers & Tiaras. “It’s pretty educational...

That’s my way of justifying it.”

LAST MEAL: “Sugar cookies, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and a jar of Nutella. Just a mass hit of sugar.”

“I like a suave dude with some geek.”

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STYLING: MARIA DIVARIS/CLOUTIER REMIX; HAIR: ADAM CAMPBELL/TRACEY MATTINGLY; MAKE-UP: JENNIFER PITT USING MAC COSMETICS/TRACEY MATTINGLY; MANICURIST: CARLA KAY/CLOUTIER REMIX

“Last time I went to Vegas I pulled an all-nighter.”

For exclusive, behindthe-scenes footage of our sexy cover shoot with Yvonne, go to www.maxim.com.au

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st he mo n t f o he ne are o ort. And t f s g u p r of s rug o ng d i d y c t s i n ’ l a b i e-enh he credib occer Clu commune, c n a m t l S r Perfo threats to hristiania m a radica od – when o go fr us a, C ll ijuan eam hails lly pretty serio r a he ba t m n s t ’ a o e u h ct es ther The Danis are a eir red ey d n . a e , c th igh choi get h ge to keep o t e na lov an ma c y e h t

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he sound of soft reggae playing from an iPhone can be heard coming from a corner of the team locker room. In the heart of Denmark’s capital, Copenhagen, world famous hippie neighbourhood Christiania’s football team are gearing up for an important match – and they have a most unusual warm-up regime. “I’d say that 85 per cent of the team are cannabis or hashish smokers,” says striker Philip as he walks onto the pitch, armed with a wide smile and a lit joint. His 10 teammates congregate languorously in the stands, in various states of happy highness. With a first aid kit brimming with rolling papers, and local bar Woodstock as its official sponsor, this club is a team like no other.

CSC’s coach, Peter – small, but with an insatiable appetite for hashish – arrives an hour before kick-off. The panniers of his traditional Christiania cargo bike, a hippie rebuild of the classic Long John bicycle, are packed with spare balls and brightly coloured cones (no, not those cones). Peter is confident ahead of today’s match. His team is riding on a wave of glory, having not lost a single game the previous year.

Christiania undoubtedly has a less rigorous training regime than your average

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competitive team, but they nonetheless play excellent football. With slogans ranging from ‘Joint the club!’ to ‘You’ll never smoke alone’, their advertising material accurately reflects their sense of humour and team spirit.

The players have a range of experience, with a number of previous first and second division players amongst them, but what characterises them all is their laidback attitude to training – despite being a successful team, CSC by no means practice every day. Conversations about a player’s endurance are more likely to refer to how many joints each man can get through in one evening than the distance run in the most recent physical fitness test.

The team’s hometown is properly known as Fristaden Christiania, Danish for Freetown Christiania. A recently declared autonomous region of about 850 residents, the town is notorious for its soft attitude towards soft drugs. Famous for its main drag, known as Pusher Street, where hash and weed are sold and consumed openly from permanent stands, Christiania is a well-known symbol

of the progressive and liberal Danish lifestyle.

Many businesses and organisations use it as a showcase for foreign visitors and guests, and after the Hans Christian Andersen-inspired Little Mermaid statue, Christiania is Denmark’s most-visited tourist attraction. CSC’s colourful, cobbled-together clubhouse is situated on Pusher Street itself, in the heart of Christiania’s thriving ‘Green Light District.’

The players warm up for the day’s match with a game of foot-volley. Each time a woozy player gives the ball too hard a kick, it bounces amongst the pot-smoking paraphernalia – homemade pipes, hash trunks, and 100 Krone [around $AU17] bills. Originally a disused military barracks, in 1971 the area was taken over by an enterprising group of several

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hundred squatters. They aimed "to build a society from scratch,” in the words of their leading spokesperson, Jacob Ludvigsen, “where all the seekers of peace could have their grand mediation.” The neighbourhood soon became the hub of a burgeoning hippie movement, which developed its own rules – independent of those of the Danish government.

CSC has long been an integral part of the community. Twenty-four-year resident of Christiania, Tjald, who used to play for CSC in the ‘80s and early-‘90s, knows the team’s history better than anyone. He is no longer able to play but doesn’t miss a single match, and for him the football team are a symbol of the ‘Freetown’ itself. Christiania’s residents cherish their right to live in a way that challenges society’s expectations, and, more importantly, the right to smoke wherever and whenever they want. “By supporting the team, you indirectly support the existence of Christiania itself,” explains Tjald.

This year, hardcore CSC supporters can buy an annual pass to home matches. Five thousand

Danish Krone gets you your own seat – carried into the stands for you – a Danish lunch box (why wouldn’t you want one?), an umbrella (it rains a lot in Denmark), and a joint for each half.

Tjald, who is the self-proclaimed leader of the team’s official fan club, is adamant that smoking before, during, and after the match has a positive effect on the team’s performance.

“Many of the guys out there are very talented football players and have played in the Danish top leagues and teams,” says Tjald, all the while cheering the players on. “Now, they don’t want to train, but they still want to play football at a high level.” No doubt. He claims that the hash

and weed are a positive influence: “Previously we used to get many yellow and red cards. But when playing stoned, even the most aggressive of our players doesn’t get sent off, because he feels more relaxed.”

One of the team’s distinctive quirks is players wearing a different coloured sock on each foot. “So many of us were so stoned that we forgot our socks,” Tjald says. “We then had to share socks with other guys, and often we ended up with a different colour on each leg. With time it became a tradition.”

High times Three things you need to know about Freetown Christiania Christiania was “declared open” on September 26, 1971 by counterculturalist and journalist Jacob Ludvigsen. Its unofficial anthem is “You Cannot Kill Us” and the official currency is the Løn (although Danish Krone is accepted).

Despite having a liberal attitude towards weed and hash, hard drugs (coke, heroin, meth, ecstasy) aren’t allowed in Christiania. Pusher Street has been the site of gang violence – and a police raid in 2004 – but it is largely safe now. Don’t take photos of the street, though, as you’ll probably get bashed or have the dogs set upon you.

Besides hard drugs, other things outlawed in Christiania are stealing, violence, guns, knives, bulletproof vests, and bikers’ colours. The reasoning behind the last one is that a brutal biker war over the drug trade raged throughout the ‘80s and ‘90s.

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Black market update

SPECIAL WEED EDITION You’ll score a gram of good shit in Christiania for about $15 (defo try the Amnesia Haze). But how much does it go for in other countries?

UAE:

$110 per gram.

Japan:

$58.50 per gram.

Australia: $21 per gram.

Latvia:

$13.70 per gram.

Mongolia: $10 per gram.

Russia:

$8.10 per gram.

Egypt:

$5.40 per gram.

Honduras: $1.80 per gram.

Jamaica:

$1.40 per gram.

India:

10 cents per gram.

advantage for his side. Discussing Christiania’s performance, Michael says, “We have no idea how they will play today, because their play depends in a certain way on how stoned they are.” The FC Sydhavnen coach takes his team through a traditional warm-up with a trainer,

before talking tactics around a whiteboard.

“Christiania are very unpredictable, which is good in football.

The only thing I can tell my own players is to follow our usual tactics,” he says. On the other side of the pitch, CSC coach Peter

WORDS: Ellen Jones; PHOTOS: MORTEN ANDERSEN; ALL ‘black market update’ PRICES IN USD. SOURCE: HAVOcSCOPE.COM

Clad in the red and yellow of Christiania’s spotted flag, the players look as professional as any other soccer team out there, except for the odd socks. Whereas Barcelona has UNICEF as its official sponsor, Christiania Sports Club has the commune’s most popular bar, Woodstock, backing it.

Named after the famous hippie festival, the Woodstock Bar is located at the end of Pusher Street and is open right through – from regular 9am breakfasts of coffee, cereal, and toast, to less conventional 6:45am breakfasts for baked, beer-drinking backgammon players who have yet to go to bed after a big night.

It is still 0-0 in the match. The stakes are high, as the winner will be a strong contender for promotion to the fourth division at the end of the season. Many teams would arrive on minibuses together, but the Christiania players are disinclined to engage in such extensive pre-match planning. Most of the boys meet at the clubhouse a few hours before kick-off, smoke a couple of joints, and then drift across the hippie paradise, through graffitidecorated streets, to the home pitch. The last one to arrive is Coach Peter. The side of his bicycle’s load box bears the slogan: “You’ll Never Smoke Alone”, an irreverent take on the legendary Liverpool “You’ll Never Walk Alone” football song.

Ex-Danish first division player and semiprofessional player in South America, Philip, brings the ball up on the left, and with an elegant dribble spins around the opposing defender and passes the ball to a teammate, who scores in an open goal. Christiania is up 1-0. Today’s opponent is FC Sydhavnen. The team’s coach, Michael, thinks that playing against a stoned team isn’t necessarily an

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wanders up and down in a white Lacoste shirt and a purple cap, with a large joint in his hand. Peter doesn’t stop smoking for a second, even when filling in the day’s 11-man line-up list for the Football Federation – he simply holds the pen and his joint in the same hand. His assistant, equally impaired, runs the half-hearted warm-up. Holding a joint and an ancient Nokia phone as a stopwatch, he summons the players to their feet.

It is immediately evident that physical fitness is not CSC’s strong point. The official team photo is taken just before kick-off, and the players show their devil-may-care attitude by pushing each other off their knees as the camera flashes. Despite their messing around, at the end of the match CSC are victorious.

The score is 3-1, and the team have taken the first important step towards the fourth division.

A content Tjald wanders over and explains that his biggest dream is for the team to be in the third division, with an accompanying place on Danish betting websites. “Imagine one day being able to bet on this team,” he says, smiling.

As I leave the stands, several players are already celebrating the day’s victory with a couple of big joints. I ask Tjald if he honestly believes smoking doesn’t reduce the players’ performance on the pitch. With an enormous grin, he shakes his head. “You shouldn’t take a sportsman out of his daily element before playing,” he states. “If they had played ‘clean’ today, they wouldn’t have been the same – they would have lost. These guys are stoned all

day long. Of course they have to play stoned”.

Most sporting competitions use drugs tests to detect performance-enhancing drugs in the players’ bodies. However, it is unlikely anyone has thought of testing for performanceinhibiting drugs – or, at least, those that are assumed to be performance inhibiting. With its car-free streets, eco-friendly homes, and smoky, thriving bars, Christiania is the heady nerve centre of alternative living. The town and its football team demonstrate that we could all take a leaf out of the Green Light District’s book: Smoke, relax, and just enjoy the game.

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mit r e K the pe u o c

1969 BMW Spicup Concept t hi s b imm er s m ells li k e green sp i r it

The name ‘Spicup’ is a fusion of the words ‘Spider’ and ‘Coupe’.

It was first revealed by auto company Carrozzeria Bertone at the 1969 Geneva Motor Show and was bought by a Dutchman some years later. No surprise, as the Dutch do like their green.

What made the Spicup giddyup was a 2.8L SOHC straight-six with 4-speed manual, which was capable of 126 kW and a top speed of 210km/h. Bertone used the BMW 2500 as a blueprint, and cut the chassis to fit a new body and interior. Inside, the gauges and pedals stayed stock, while the dashboard, seats, and

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green-on- green carpet got a status update. The three-piece sliding stainless steel top would’ve been popular, but BMW’s bosses decided it didn’t fit the new model line-up, so let it slide.

Back to the Dutchman, who drove it for 10 years and 100,000km – a record for a one-off model. It was then put in storage, and underwent reconstructive surgery before it resurfaced in 2008, only to be taken to Milan for a complete restoration.

The Spicup showed up again recently at the ‘Power by BMW’ event, where it was auctioned off for $600,000. We’d prefer a weed grow house, thanks.

Lexeal app

Lexus LF-LC “ l f - lc ” – japanese f o r “re ally aw es om e co nc ept.” we th ink...

Whose idea was this?

Toyota’s Calty design studio in California. “The LF-LC blends both high technology and organic shapes to connect the driver to the machine,” says Mark Templin, Lexus group vice president and general manager.

Lone Ranger

Any cool features?

The exterior, complete with quadexhaust, is an invitation to arousal.

Inside, it’s a tech fest, with dual 12.3in. LCD screens providing info, while a touch-screen in the centre console controls the audio, climate, and navigation.

What’s under the bonnet?

The LF-LC is powered by the latest Advanced Lexus Hybrid Drive, which results in performance and fuel efficiency. Lexus confirmed that it’s a rear-wheel drive model but will give away nothing else. They wouldn’t even tell us what they thought of the latest Rihanna album.

When can i drive it?

No date has been set, as it’s unlikely the LF-LC will ever hit the production floor – at least as a whole. Some features may be seen in future models, such as the updated SC430 and the next LF-A. Oh, Lexus, stop teasing!

From outback to city, this workhorse stands alone Meet the result of four years work by nearly 500 engineers and designers from Oz and abroad. The 3.2L model has a leading towing capacity of 3350kg and a payload of 1500kg with a 1.21m³ cargo box.

Ensuring it stays on all fours is stability fourwheel traction control and roll-over mitigation.

Interior storage includes up to 20 pockets and a centre console with a true blue esky cooling feature.

Standard swag includes dual-zone climate control, rear park assist, Bluetooth, USB and iPod integration, and voice control via radio.

We drove a six-speed XLT over SA’s Flinders Ranges. Big ups to Ford for delivering great comfort, visibility, and performance.

Switching between 2WD and 4WDH while in motion is jolly good fun, and the hill descent and launch control features allow for cool steering-only driving.

Spec check Ford Ranger XL and XLT Dual-Cab 4WD Engine: 3.2L turbo-diesel five-cylinder with direct-injection.

Transmission: 6-speed manual/6-speed auto.

Warranty: 3-years/100,000km.

Fuel Consumption: 8.4L/100km.

Power: 147kW. Weight: 1795 – 2159kg.

Price: From $46,390.

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1969 Holden Hurricane a dva nc e austral ia retr o

gift of the cab

Built with the future in mind, Holden gave this radical concept the thumbs up in the 1960s. From 1969 to 1974 the Hurricane was one of the most expensive concepts around, but it also helped the company sell one million cars.

Of all the tech involved, though, only the engine found its way into road cars.

What made it groovy was its styling, electronics, and engineering. Seen as an upcoming trend, the low wedge shape and

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lines were copied by the 1970 Bertone Stratos Concept, 1970 Ferrari 512S Berlinetta Speciale, and 1972 Maserati Boomerang.

Even the subtlety-defying metallic orange paint was a first.

One look at the digital instrumentation inside and you’d be convinced the driver could fly to the Moon. The most notable feature was a retro-GPS system called ‘Pathfinder’. It used magnetic signals within the road to alert the driver of upcoming turns.

Upping the ante even more, the rear vision camera with CCTV screen and auto A/C received top gadget points.

The Hurricane housed a 4.2L V8, fed by a four-barrel carburettor and with an output of 193kW – all wrapped in a fibreglass body. The engine was situated mid-way in the chassis and attached to a four-speed transaxle, á la the GT40.

What stopped this legendary car was the oil-cooled disc brakes – and the ’80s.

go tow-to-tow with the other pickups

Spec check

The new Mazda BT-50 will begin production in Thailand in June and feature a more car-like interior and more leg room than the market-leading Toyota Hilux. Chief designer Ryo Yanagisawa was inspired

by Tasmania, Uluru, and the Great Ocean Road. We can’t really see it but maybe you need to squint?

The BT-50 is built on a rugged chassis with strong coil-over suspension that adds more traction. It also features aerodynamically

2012 Mazda BT-50 Dual Cab XTR Engine: 3.2L five-cylinder DOHC turbo-diesel.

Transmission: Six-speed manual/auto.

Power: 147 kW. Fuel Consumption: 8.4L/100km (manual); 8.9L/100km (auto).

Price: $48,810 (manual).

modded mirrors and bumpers that add to the handling and cut fuel consumption. If you’re in the mood to haul, you can carry up to one tonne and tow up to 3000kg.

The front-end design is of the wedged persuastion, while the rear features horizontal tail lights, rather than the industry standard vertical lights. What a rebel.

The sporty interior features a wrap-around driver’s cockpit, cruise control, and sat nav.

WORDS: BILL VARETIMDIS

denhe l o H ck t ba ears y

t Jusve it dri

Nike One b e a dr i vi ng fo rc e o n the r oad

Coming from designers Phil Frank and Takuya Asano, this concept is in line with Nike’s ‘just do it’ philosophy. It may look like a quick machine – but the speed is actually determined by how many Weet-Bix you’ve had that day.

But enough cryptic shit. The driver’s arm and leg muscles control all input into the machine – if the driver is at the peak of fitness, the ‘One’ becomes a Formula One, for example. Sitting in rider position, with feet on pedals and hands connected to the CPU via non-invasive bioports, the driver achieves a direct man-to-machine neural interface

and can fine tune controls through, well, mind control.

The One gets its boost from the energy stored from the driver’s activity, and is capable of hitting an asinine 370 km/h.

There is a heads-up display showing race tracking and energy reserves and the NikeMax Optics Smart Glass can change colour for clarity purposes. The feet of the machine are in the form of hub-less wheels, with in-wheel motors attached to carbon fibre/ titanium suspension. Surely this would be considered performance enhancing?

R1 with a bullet

I t ’ s Yamaha’s 50th Ann i versary. and yet, they’re t h e o n e s send i ng gi fts. Nam ely, the c rank ing new R1 In 1998, Yamaha presented the motorcycle world with a 1000cc Mona Lisa brushed in red, white, and aluminum – the YZF-R1.

Some clever engineering wedged a supercompact, 150 Horse, 1000cc four-cylinder powerplant into a tiny sports chassis.

This wasn’t about getting away for the weekend – this was about getting away from the competition. Yamaha had smashed the litre-bike-for-touring mould and jitterbugged on the pieces.

In Yamaha’s 50th Anniversary year the R1 receives some changes. The aggressive

track-ready styling remains for the 2012 model; the front cowl, which now incorporates trick LED position lamps, has been refreshed and reshaped for improved aerodynamics.

The rear has been sharpened-up with closerfitting muffler caps that you will, inevitably, replace with a rowdier exhaust before you even take delivery of the bike.

The biggest difference with the latest R1 is the inclusion of a sophisticated variable Traction Control System. The seven settings (one of which is ‘off’, aka ‘cojones’) keep a close eye on your throttle hand and wheel

speed. Should you suddenly find yourself overzealous with the twistgrip, the TCS and the ECU (the bike’s brain) will adjust the engine-timing, throttle amount, and fuel injection to make up for your deficit/death wish. Keep in mind the existing three-mode Variable Map Function, where you are treated to 21 combinations of performance from the new R1. Sound too complex?

Nope, somewhere in there is your butter setting: The sublime area between inspired riding and “Oops, that was close.” But for God’s sake, don’t lose the manual.

x

Engine Displacement: 998cc.

Weight (wet): 206kg.

Transmission: Constant-mesh, six-speed.

Price: $19,999 (Matt Grey, Yamaha Blue, Competition White); $21,499 (50th Anniversary White – limited to 20 bikes in Oz!)

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WORDS: AARON CLIFF

Spec check

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Meet Ken Block,

the rubber-burning,

tight-turning,

high-flying, driving insane

stop-on-a-COINING, sideways-skidding trick driver whose

Gymkhana videos

have 40 million

hits on youtube.

You might want to

fasten your by josh dean

seat belt extra tight

for this one, kids.

1

“Buckle up, and don’t touch the radio.”

he mountain town of Guanajuato is like no other in Mexico: a warren of pedestrianonly alleyways built into hillsides. And on the opening night of Rally Mexico 2011 those narrow alleys were packed with thousands of cerveza-fuelled Mexicans waiting to see their favourite drivers careen around insanely tight corners.

The World Rally Championship (WRC) is a massively popular European-based racing series whose top drivers earn millions in prizes and endorsements. The 1.6L turbocharged four-cylinder rockets cost up to a mil, boast numbers of 220kW and 600Nm, catapult from 0-100 in three seconds and, should the need arise (it often does), can power slide between two trees at 200km/h. The three-day events are held in countries ranging from Sweden to Argentina to New Zealand on surfaces that vary wildly from ice to gravel. If all this sounds appealing, you’ll be glad to know Season 2012 commenced only last month.

But back to Mexico. And why is it that on this chilly night filled with rally royalty the man getting the biggest and most raucous cheers is a middle-aged American? Because

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the driver is Ken Block. If you were to write a textbook about how to be a rich guy, you would certainly want to devote a chapter or two to Ken Block. The founders of DC Shoes, Block and his partner, Damon Way (brother of pro skater Danny Way), sold the company to Quiksilver in 2004 for a massive pile of money, and Block stayed on as chief branding officer. Ever since, Block has played that role with verve, spreading the fun-loving gospel of skate shoes around the world as he snowboarded, rode dirt bikes, and taught himself how to race rally cars.

“Racing rallies has been a dream of mine since I was a little kid, because those were the cars that slid and jumped,” he explains.

In 2005 he paid his own entry into the Rally America series, finishing fourth and earning Rookie of the Year. A year later Subaru signed him as a sponsored driver alongside Travis Pastrana, and Block made the very unusual transition from being a guy who signed and promoted professional athletes to being a professional athlete himself.

Over the next five seasons, he got better and better, winning a silver medal at the 2007 X Games and showing surprising creativity – and testicular fortitude – in conjuring up unbelievable stunts in his Subaru racecar. He jumped a car 52m for the TV show Stunt Junkies and launched a massive kicker in a car in a New Zealand snowboard park alongside pro snowboarder Eddie Wall. The shot graced the cover of TransWorld Snowboarding.

Both stunts were pinged around the world as kids forwarded stills and videos, paving the way for something even bigger: Gymkhana 1, a video of Block pulling off high-speed slides, doughnuts, and other tricks on an abandoned California airfield. (The term gymkhana comes

from horse trick riding.)

1 Setting the distance Block got the idea after record (52m) on Stunt Junkies. participating briefly in a series of autocross2 Turning and burning in Argentina. style driving events, which he liked so 3 Landing Colin Crest, the biggest jump at Rally much he had a rally Sweden. Block took a car specially modified 39m flight. for them… and then the series went out of business.

“I had this amazing car specifically built and nothing to do with it,” he says. So he headed to the airfield, invited along a film crew, and just went nuts as the cameras rolled. His friends went away, edited the film, and sent him a cut two weeks later. “They said, ‘Holy shit, this looks great! Let’s do more.’” So the whole team went back and shot a second day, improving upon some stunts and perfecting others. “I knew I liked the footage,” he continues. “But I didn’t understand how excited people who had never seen a car do that stuff would be.”

He posted the video on his personal site, and it blew up, getting 11 million views and crashing the server of his Web-hosting company. “They were calling me and asking, ‘What the hell is going on?’ It was very expensive to do those 11 million views,” he says, laughing. “Eventually we moved it to YouTube.” By year’s end Gymkhana 1 had more than 30 million views. It was later chosen by prestigious American media and marketing magazine Advertising Age as one of the top 10 viral ads of all-time.

Two sequels followed – each a little nuttier – and Block was suddenly one of the most popular drivers in the world. “I was at the right place at the right time,” he says, “with the right concept.” By this point he had his sponsors’ attention. DC started a line of Ken Block rally apparel, which is now the biggest athlete line at a company that also has Travis Pastrana, Danny Way, and Rob Dyrdek. “Obviously, it’s a very unique situation,” says Nate Morley, the senior vice president for marketing and creative at DC. “It’s like Phil Knight [co-founder of Nike] playing for the Chicago Bulls.”

Furthermore, Ford lured Block away from Subaru with a shocking promise – the

2

company would partner with Monster Energy Drink and make Ken Block America’s first WRC driver since the 1980s.

Jamie Allison, director of Ford North America Motorsports, says Ford was losing touch with the youth market. “And here comes Ken Block. He connects with that generation.”

Yes, a 44-year-old father of three is the face of the digital generation. Which is all a very long way of explaining why Ken Block is as popular

3

share of crashes. “His problem is finding out how to pull back from the limit.” He laughs.

“But I don’t think fear is in his dictionary.”

The Norwegian driver Petter Solberg, one of the most successful drivers in the WRC, says Block’s arrival is great for rally.

“There’s no doubt that Ken brings a lot of spectators to the sport,” he says, and he need look no further than his own home to see this. “To my son,” Solberg says, “Ken is

“ ken block’s problem is

finding out how to pull back from the limit.

I don’t think fear is in his dictionary.

”

as any other driver on the circuit. Why, on the dusty streets of Mexico, there are children in bootleg Ken Block gear and motorcycles painted with his Monster Car livery.

“If you had told me 10 years ago that I’d be racing in WRC, I’d have said you were nuts,” Block says. “I’m still not sure I feel like a professional athlete, but I guess I am.”

John Buffum was the last American to compete in the WRC, more than 20 years ago.

He thinks it’s hard for fans to appreciate how difficult the driving is. There are trees at every turn, not to mention boulders and cliffs and drunken fans.

Buffum predicts that Block will have his

almost God.” Imagine what could happen if he actually starts winning races on the WRC. Block makes no apologies for his struggles (he’s yet to finish in the top five) and hopes fans understand that it takes time. “I’m really just enjoying finding the greatest capabilities of my cars,” he says. But as fun as it is for him, he doesn’t want to finish mid-pack forever.

Every morning at 5am, he rises to do a rally-specific gym routine meant to train his mind and body to operate independently, which is critical for a sport in which a driver must execute delicate manoeuvres on uncertain terrain while listening to the instructions of his co-driver and considering

what decision to make next. To accomplish this Block does three things at once – for instance, balancing on a medicine ball while catching or juggling balls and answering mathematical problems.

“I have not worked with any other driver who prepares for a rally so well,” says his team director, Derek Dauncey. “And I think the stage times speak for themselves. In Mexico he was 1.3 seconds a kilometre off the world champion, Sebastian Loeb. If you stand back and see that this was only Ken’s ninth WRC round, it’s pretty amazing.”

Block’s run in Rally Mexico was hampered by electrical problems in his Fiesta, but still he finished the race with a flourish – soaring farther than anyone else over a massive jump on the so-called power stage, a stunt that is broadcast live to an audience of more than 100 million worldwide. A few days later he was back home in Park City, Utah, finalising plans for Gymkhana 4.

Since its release in August last year, the fourth instalment has racked up almost 15 million YouTube views. Titled The Hollywood Megamercial, it was filmed at LA’s Universal Studios, and besides the usual screechy, smoky, viewer-silencing high-speed shenanigans, it features Block on fire, a stunt gorilla, and a Bollywood dance routine. Epic, to say the least.

“I know how lucky I am,” he says. “I used to read about these guys and play the video games, and now to compete against them…” The thought trails off. “I couldn’t have written a better script, man.”

rally interesting Cool cars, crashes, and something else that begins with “C” about rally racing

Jumpin’ Tanner Flash

Death Race

Peak Performance

Next Stage

WRC driver (and Ken Block’s biggest competition) Tanner Foust broke the world record in four-wheeled jump distance (101m) for team Hot Wheels on May 29, 2011.

The title of deadliest race belongs to the Dakar Rally, which goes from Argentina to Chile and back. Fortynine people have bitten the dust competing since it began in 1978.

Nobuhiro Tajima is the master of Pikes Peak raceway in Fountain, Colorado. He routinely breaks the speed record of this course, which winds over 1,500m and uses 750kWcars.

Grab your passport and tent and get up close and personal with near death at the next WRC race, Rally Mexico, on March 8.

You’re guaranteed to leave with soiled undies one way or another.

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com

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mercial appeal PHOTOS: WAYNE DANIELS

You may remember hottie Annette Melton from such ad campaigns as those she’s done for Lonsdale, Ministry of Sound, Panadol, Holden or Chiko. If not, you’ll definitely remember her after this sexy shoot...

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elcome to MAXIM – glad you could join us. How’s it feel to be doing your first feature with us?

I’m really flattered. Everyone knows MAXIM has the sexiest girls, so I feel honoured. Thanks for asking me to be a part of it.

What was your favourite part of the shoot?

We shot it at this crazy-big, seven-million dollar mansion.

It had a pool and waterfront views. It was awesome.

We’re sure you hear this on an hourly basis but you’ve got an exotic look. What’s your background?

My mum’s Filipino and my dad’s Australian. I guess I get all my exotic features, like the dark hair and really dark eyes, from mum.

Your face is rather famous, Annette. Where might people know you from?

I’ve recently done two Ministry of Sound commercials, a Foot Locker ad, a Holden Barina commercial, one for Panadol, and I was in Stan Walker’s Choose You video.

Also, you might’ve seen me on a billboard, because I’m currently in the campaign for Victoria Pale Lager beer. I’ve got a big year ahead – I’ll be on two TV shows on Foxtel. I can’t say too much, though – you’ll just have to look out for me.

You’re also one of the faces of fitness brand Lonsdale.

How do you keep fit?

I have a personal trainer and he keeps me motivated. I have pretty good genes, so if I didn’t work out, I think I’d be OK. But I really enjoy going to the gym – it’s a good stress release and you feel good afterwards.

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People often say being healthy is about balance. So, do you think it’s OK to eat a bag of Doritos and a 2L tub of ice cream after a workout?

I went to the gym the other day, came home, watched a bit of TV, watched some YouTube videos, and, come midnight, I got cravings, so I ate half a packet of chips and some ice cream. How did you know about that? Have you been lingering outside my window watching my bad eating habits?

Umm… no? Eating junk food close to bedtime can cause weird dreams. Was that the case for you the other night?

I always have weird dreams.

I’m always fending off bad guys – but I always manage to escape.

Maybe it has to do with guys cracking onto you. Speaking of which, has a guy ever tried to pick you up at the gym?

It happens all the time. Even the staff do it. I generally just have a little chat then politely walk away and continue doing my own thing.

Which body part are you proudest of?

My eyes. I have these big doe eyes and really long lashes, and I get lots of compliments on them.

Does a guy have to be fit to have a shot with you?

It’s a bonus but I prefer someone who’s passionate about his life and career.

I’m like that, so he’d need to reflect my personality.

Do people ever use your surname as a pun, like, “You’re so hot I’m Melton”?

Maybe it’s just us…

I’ve heard it a few times.

I think it’s hilarious.

Way to make us feel witty, Annette! Back to your illustrious career. You were in a campaign for Smartraveller. Where’s the coolest place you’ve been?

I’ve done a bit of travelling through work opportunities.

Vegas was awesome. I was there hosting a poker tournament. Everyone’s always on the go and there’s always a party to attend. I also went to Ireland for a poker tournament. I got to see snow, and I tried Guinness for the first time. I couldn’t finish the pint, unfortunately.

Are you into poker?

I competed in the Shane Warne Celebrity Poker

Tournament at Crown [Casino, Melbourne] and I almost final tabled. That was my first time playing, so I was like, “Wow! This is so easy.” And it is when you’re at a table with only guys. I just smiled and bluffed my way through it.

What’s next for you?

I’d like to get into TV and film work in Hollywood. It’s nerdy but I really like sci-fi stuff. I would love to work with Peter Jackson. People have told me I look a little elf-like. I’m a big fan of Game of Thrones, too.

I can’t believe that didn’t win the Golden Globe for Best Drama Series.

But Homeland [which won] is a really good show.

I haven’t seen it, but it could probably do with some elves.

Going back a few years, you were the Chiko Chick. Any idea what’s inside those delicious things?

What do you think is inside?

Lord knows.

It’s a mixture of beef, vegetables, and barley.

Daniel Steiner

“I have these big doe eyes and really long lashes, and I get lots of compliments on them.”

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“It’s nerdy but I really like sci-fi stuff.

I would love to work with Peter Jackson.”

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Status Update BIRTHDAY: July 11, 1985.

HOMETOWN: Sydney, NSW. FAVOURITE DRINK: “I really like cocktails – Velvet Passion is my favourite. I’m not really sure what’s in it but there are passionfruit and mango flavours. And it’s served ice-cold.”

SPECIAL DANCEFLOOR MOVE: “You know when you put your hand in the air and pump it like you’re in a mosh pit? That’s my move.”

EMBARRASSING iPOD TRACKS: “My classical music selection, like Schubert or Pavarotti or Sarah Brightman.

It’s the worst when I’m driving with my friends and that comes on.”

MOST EXTREME THING YOU’VE DONE: “I did a lot of stuff in Bali because it’s so cheap. My favourite was bungee jumping and tubing.

I’ve got a video on my blog (annettemelton. com) and the soundtrack is the Indiana Jones theme.

Such a nerd.”

FAST FOOD INDULGENCE: “I’m terrible. I eat anything chocolate-related.

And I’m really bad with ice cream.”

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HAIR, MAKE-UP & Styling: DANA CASE

“Everyone knows MAXIM has the sexiest girls, so I feel honoured to be in it.”

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m S

axi

v i va l Story

ur

A M

t off on an expe When two young explorers se

dition in the Arctic,

they were looking for adventure, excitement, and glory. Along the way they found something else:

A ferocious, 360kg carnivore with a very big appetite 64

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By Simeon de la Torre MAXIM.COM.AU

65

he explorer stood on the damp, cool sand and listened to the waves lapping at the shore as the sun began to rise over the horizon, casting long shadows across the beach. But this was no picture-postcard moment – it was a scene of utter carnage. To his left he could see the rampaged remains of his tent; to his right lay the body of a 360kg polar bear. And at his feet, the battered form of his expedition partner, whose head lay in a steaming puddle of syrup-thick blood. He knew the situation was critical. If he were to save the life of his friend, he would have to move fast.

Sebastian Plur Nilssen and Ludvig Fjeld had set out on a world-first attempt to kayak around Svalbard, the isolated archipelago that sits in the Arctic Ocean between mainland Norway and the North Pole. The rocky outcrop consists of four main islands – a round trip of more than 2000km.

There are two reasons why no-one had managed this feat: In the winter the weather is brutal, with savage, sub-zero gales; and in the summer the Austfonna glacier ‘calves’ (or, in layman’s terms: Spits hull-shredding icebergs into the sea).

The glacier squats over the northeast coast

and is so prolific in its berg birthing that it makes it impossible to come ashore for some 120km.

Nevertheless, the pair of Norwegians elected for a two to three month summer expedition, heading out on July 5, 2010.

Mountainous, beautiful, and treacherous, the surface of Svalbard consists of nearly 65 per cent protected areas, including three nature reserves, six national parks, and 15 bird sanctuaries. The summer thaw offers enough respite to allow humans to inhabit the islands and would make it easier for the explorers to make occasional forays into the isolated villages that dot the landscape.

Additionally, the relentless 24-hour sunlight would illuminate a safe path through the icebergs.

The flip side of travelling this time of year was the presence of predators – and not just any predators – but polar bears, the world’s largest land carnivores. Capable of speeds of up to 40km/h, able to eviscerate a man with a single swipe of a razor-sharp claw, and with the power to crush through bone with their jaws, polar bears are the top of the Svalbard food chain.

Although in their early-20s, Plur Nilssen and

The bear grabbed me and

sank its teeth into my neck, dragging me out of my sleeping bag.

It was sickeningly painful.”

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The bear facts

The calm before the storm at Svalbard You should see the other guy... Plur Nilssen resting

2

1 3

4

Fjeld were experienced survivalists, having adventured together extensively for seven years, including an 18-day, 900km sea kayak trip around the southern tip of Norway and two assaults on Mont Blanc, the highest mountain (4,810m) in Europe. This Svalbard trip, however, was to be their first major expedition, complete with funding and several months of rigorous planning.

On July 22 the pair reached Nordaustlandet, Svalbard’s second largest island and home to the infamous Austfonna glacier. But the bright skies and calm seas they had enjoyed for the previous

Suck it, Mother Nature!

Five more mad survival stories

three weeks had vanished, and as the weather turned the pair were forced to set up camp. When the cold currents from the North Pole meet the warmer winds from the south, the resulting windy conditions can be suicidal for oceangoers. “In the morning it was very windy – too windy to kayak – so we had to stay there and wait for the weather to improve,” recalls Plur Nilssen. It was a delay that would take him into the jaws of death.

Plur Nilssen and Fjeld had done their homework and were well aware of the risk the polar bears posed. Statistically speaking, black bears are responsible for more attacks on humans, but that’s a result of them living in much closer proximity to human populations. And they’re

The world’s largest land carnivore by the numbers 1 The largest polar bear on record was 1,002kg and 3.7m tall.

2 With 42 teeth and a bite force of approximately 544 kilograms per square centimetre – the greatest of any land mammal – polar bears can do some serious damage… Especially with their eight-centimetrelong canines.

3 Their paws reach 30cm in diameter.

4 They can swim 10km/h and run 40km/h.

lightweights compared to the power, weight, and ferocity of polar bears, which typically live in uninhabited regions.

Svalbard is the ursine exception to the global rule. The archipelago covers an area about twothirds the size of Tasmania, with a population of 2,500 humans and 3,000 polar bears. That being said, the two species co-exist with a nervy respect: There have been just five fatal attacks in the past 40 years, including 17-year-old Horatio Chapple, who was killed by a polar bear last August.

“It’s very rare for the bears to attack,” says Dr Kari Schroder Hansen, who was stationed at Svalbard’s Longyearbyen hospital at the time.

“On Svalbard we hadn’t had an attack since 1995, when two people were killed.” Plur Nilssen and Fjeld knew they might have to defend themselves and had packed trip wires and flares to protect

The buried life

Nine lives

Drink pee or die hard

Spidey-strength

When extreme skier Cedric Genoud found himself buried in an avalanche in February 2010, the 21-year-old managed to create a small pocket of air – enough to stay alive for 17 hours until a helicopter team found and rescued him.

Frano Selak is either the unluckiest man in the world or the luckiest. The Croat has survived a bus crash (four dead), a train derailment (17 dead), a plane crash (19 dead), and several near-fatal car crashes. And then he won the lottery.

This past May, Colombian university official Francisco Piedrahita was lost for four days in the Louisiana bayou [wetlands]. When the search party found him, the 65-year-old was severely malnourished, having survived on plant stems and his own urine.

In 2007, French hikers Loïc Pillois and Guilhem Nayral spent seven weeks lost in the Amazon jungle, surviving on palm seeds, snakes, frogs, and venomous spiders – one of which left Nayral partially paralysed – before the pair were rescued.

Hungry, hungry hippo While guiding an African safari in 1996, Paul Templer was swallowed headfirst up to the waist by a hippo, who then spat him out and left him for dead. One of Templer’s arms had to be amputated, but he survived to guide again.

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It picked UP Sebastian

by his head and stood up on its hind legs, lifting him

clear off the ground. but the bear had done a lot of damage to our camp. I had to dig around in the sand, and I could feel the seconds passing as I searched for it.”

Despite being pinned to the floor, Plur Nilssen managed to angle his own shotgun in the direction of the bear. He pulled the trigger. Nothing. No deafening explosion of gunfire. No howl of pain.

He ran his fingers along the barrel and realised that the bear had broken the gun in two places.

Fjeld watched in horror as the mangled gun dropped from his friend’s hand and the monster’s jaws clamped around his head. He redoubled his own search, frantically digging through the tattered remains of the groundsheet while the bear began to drag Plur Nilssen away from the tent, his blood-curdling screams piercing the air.

“At that moment I wasn’t sure if it was one or two bears,” recalls Plur Nilssen. “I was thinking: If there are two bears, it’s game over. He released me from the bite and then stood on my chest with his two front legs. He was heavy, but the pain in my neck and shoulder was much greater. It seemed like a long time that he stood on me. He looked at me, and I looked at him, and we actually made eye contact. I raised my arms as he came in for another

bite, and I remember the soft feel of his fur. I tried to hold his head as he attacked, but I had no chance. He was too big, too powerful.”

The bear had dragged Plur Nilssen 30m across the sand and jagged rocks of the shoreline, leaving a sickening trail of blood. It was about to come in for the kill – for the final, lethal bite.

Racing from the tent, Fjeld raised his weapon, only to find the bear clutching his stricken partner, blocking a clear shot. “When the bear noticed me, it picked Sebastian up by his head and stood up on its hind legs, lifting him clear off the ground.

“I was afraid I’d hit Sebastian. He was hanging down in front of the bear, leaving me with perhaps a foot-and-a-half [half a metre] of space where I could shoot. I didn’t know how injured my friend was, but I knew he was alive because he was shouting at me to shoot. It was good to hear – I knew I could still save him.” He took a breath and squeezed the trigger.

The crack of the shot split the cold silence, and the bullet found its mark, slamming into the animal’s flesh. The bear howled and dropped Plur Nilssen to the ground, presenting the opportunity Fjeld had hoped for. He fired another round,

PHOTOS: LUDVIG FJELD

their camp as they slept. They also each carried guns, knowing that the noise of a shot is usually enough to scare away all but the most desperate man-eaters.

However, a sighting near their camp that night had already made the travellers nervous. “We wanted to move the camp, but the wind off the sea that night was brutal,” says Fjeld. “We would have lost everything.” The pair decided to keep watch, peering into the midnight sun for any creeping shadow or flash of white fur. “We stayed awake for five hours that night,” Plur Nilssen says.

“We made sure our trip wires were set up, but eventually we had to go to sleep, as we had such a long journey in the morning.”

The shock awakening they received in the early hours was not from the biting Arctic cold or even the blinding phosphorous flame and piercing scream of a tripped flare. It was from the impact of a polar bear’s claw.

“Neither of us woke until the bear ripped into the canvas,” recalls Plur Nilssen. “It tore the whole front away with one punch. I started screaming to Ludvig, but the bear grabbed me and sank its teeth into my neck, dragging me out of my sleeping bag.

He then bit my head really hard. I could feel his teeth going deep into the flesh, and I knew it was serious. It was sickeningly painful.”

The animal attacked in a frenzy – ripping through Plur Nilssen’s skin and sending a searing jolt of pain through his body. “It was all going so fast,” says Plur Nilssen. Running on adrenalin and instinct, he remembered that his shotgun was lying nearby, and as the creature paused for breath, he impulsively made a grab for it.

Ludvig Fjeld, meanwhile, was scrambling for his own weapon. “I woke up a split second after Sebastian,” he says. “The bear immediately attacked him, so I started looking for my gun,

The battered campsite after the incident That’s what a polar bear corpse looks like It took three hours for docs to patch him up

running toward the injured animal and letting loose another three rounds until the bear finally slumped in the sand.

Lying on the blood-spattered shore, the bear’s body just a couple metres away, Plur Nilssen stared at the sky and watched the wisps of breath leave his body. “It wasn’t easy to lie there, because the pain was so bad. I was afraid my neck had been broken. I could still move my fingers, but the pain was like nothing I had felt before.”

Meanwhile, Fjeld desperately called for help on the emergency channel of their satellite phone.

Deep in shock, Plur Nilssen rested as his friend tried to dress the horrific injuries, knowing that, though he had survived the attack, their remote location meant any helicopter would take hours to reach them. Quietly, Fjeld had another, possibly more pressing, worry.

“We had seen more bears and knew there were a lot of them in the area. I was extremely worried because there was blood all over the tent, Sebastian, and the camp. I’d heard that polar bears can smell blood from a long distance away.”

Fjeld set to work keeping his friend conscious – nervously checking the perimeter of their ruined camp for bears – while Plur Nilssen cursed his way through the pain. “It was a relief when I realised I was still alive, but the pain was terrible. I also remember thinking it would take four hours for anyone to reach us.”

At the time, medic Aksel Bilicz was stationed at the hospital in Longyearbyen, one of the world’s northernmost towns. The medical staff is accustomed to treating those who have succumbed to the hostile environment of the

Arctic, but even here polar bear attacks are a rare event – and almost always an attack delivers a corpse rather than a casualty. “I took the call at reception,” recalls Bilicz. “When Ludvig told me his friend had been attacked by a polar bear, my first thought was that he was very lucky – I know how big these bears are. I told him to get Sebastian in a sleeping bag to keep him warm and that it was important to keep him conscious. Then I got his GPS co-ordinates, and we were off.”

The helicopter took just over two hours to get to the campsite. Bilicz stabilised Plur Nilssen and bundled him onto the helicopter for the flight back to Longyearbyen. Two doctors happened to be on duty, and even before the blades of the emergency helicopter had shuddered to a halt, Plur Nilssen was in the operating theatre.

“They found my neck hadn’t been broken but that I had suffered deep tissue lacerations to my shoulder, back, neck, chest, and head,” he says.

“When Sebastian arrived, there was a lot of blood, but he was awake, which was a very good sign,” says Dr Hansen, who performed the emergency surgery. “Once we were happy that his other injuries were not immediately life-threatening, the priority became preventing infection, because there are a lot of germs in a polar bear’s mouth.”

That Plur Nilssen survived the attack is staggering – a miracle even. “Polar bears will attack animals larger than Sebastian. The odds of surviving an attack are not good. He was very, very lucky,” says Dr. Hansen. “But the bottom line for a polar bear is never attack a guy whose friend has a gun.”

“It took three hours for them to patch me up and three months for me to recover in the hospital,” says Plur Nilssen. “The muscles in my shoulder had been very badly damaged, and there was a worry that they would never fully heal. It was very depressing to hear this because of the expeditions and training I do.

“It was a difficult time, for sure. My recovery has been painful and difficult.

But I was able to get back in my kayak within the year and return to the islands.

And now I must be one of the only people in the world who can say when people ask me about my scars, ‘I got them in a fight with a polar bear.’ ”

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Monsters Enter the king By 14 he was dunking. By 26 he was a two-time MVP. Now, basketball player in the world, is 27 and looking to lead

When was your first dunk?

It was during a warm-up game when I was in middle school [between years seven and nine]. Every year we had a teachersversus-students game in front of all the students. I got one in during the warm-ups, and then I actually did it during the game.

Was it on a teacher?

No. I wish! I wish it was on the teacher who gave me a C-minus; I would’ve definitely dunked in his face.

LeBron’s smiling because he knows he’s better than you at any and every sport

How did you deal with the groupie situation that comes with being a star at such a young age?

None of that stuff happened.

That’s all a façade. When people talk about girls coming up to their hotel rooms at 16 years old, that’s a fantasy.

As one of the biggest sporting names on the planet, have you ever met anyone who made you feel starstruck?

The first time I met Michael Jordan. I was a sophomore [year 10] in high school, and it was an unbelievable experience for me. It didn’t even feel like he was on the face of the Earth. This guy was more like an angel – like an alien or something.

Why does basketball seem like the one American sport that hasn’t been rocked by steroid scandals?

It’s something that’s not done. I think it’s hurting

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WORDS: JESSE BRUKMAN; photo: PICTURE MEDIA

Do you kind of wish it happened?

At 15, 16 years old? Nah, I was focused on basketball… wink, wink.

of ball

The NBA All-Star game jumps off on February 26. Here, we chat with some of the game’s biggest NAMES about dunks, opera, and centaurs

The Chosen One LeBron James, the greatest the Miami Heat to the 2012 title

You take an average of 10,000 steps a day, balanced on 52 bones, 40 muscles, and 300 ligaments. Our point? Lace up with Nike’s LeBron IXs and you’ll be walking tall all day, every day TONGUE Lightweight mesh and foam keep your feet breathing during the sweatiest of B-ball games.

baseball, because it wasn’t banned and now it is banned, so it’s hard to flush out completely. It’s just something in the NBA that hasn’t been done, so no one’s going to start. I wouldn’t expect to see anybody taking steroids in the game of basketball.

That would be kind of crazy.

In 2009, a video came out of a Nike camp showing you getting dunked on by a college player. Did you start thinking maybe it would be better not to play defense at these things?

Ha, no. Getting dunked on is part of the game, and I know for a fact that LeBron James has dunked on way more people than he’s had dunk on him.

There was a lot of blowback – and fans are still bitter about it – when you left your home team the Cleveland Cavaliers for the Miami Heat in 2010.

Any hard feelings there?

I love Cleveland, and I have never said anything bad about Cleveland. If anybody can find one article in which LeBron James says something bad about Cleveland, then please bring it to me and they get a million dollars, cash.

Is LeBron James issuing a reward?

Yeah! I want the voice, too – I don’t want just some paper. I need to know it was LeBron James’ voice saying something bad about Cleveland. Hey, my mother wants to know when she can see this.

She’s going to be delighted to see her son in the magazine.

Really? Your mum is a big MAXIM fan?

No. My mother is a big LeBron fan.

HYPERFUSED These kicks have three layers to form the upper construction: a synthetic base, mesh to diffuse heat, and thermoplastic polyurethane to sound futuristically badarse – and drown out the heckles of player-haters.

FOREFOOT The IXs are spun with Flywire, a liquid-crystal polymer that cuts down weight and creates a thinner, stronger shoe.

SHANK PLATE Between the sole and your foot rests a carbon-fibre glass layer (awesomely known as a shank plate) that gives the shoe torsional rigidity.

Translation: It won’t tear apart.

AIR MAX The custom bubble has been around since the ’80s and gives plenty of heel support. Ability to dunk not included.

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Celeb ride

NBA SPECIAL

Not-so-micro machines Orlando Magic super-centre Dwight Howard shows off his favourite joyrides

Yeah... totally not compensating.

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Tell us a bit about that crazy bike you’re riding below.

It’s a Can-Am Spyder. I just got off of it! Riding my bike is my favourite thing to do. I take it on the streets, the highway, everywhere.

That’s a sweet paint job.

Yeah, I got the Superman theme, like I bring to the game. It has little police lights at the throttle and Superman-coloured lights.

It looks pretty good at night.

People must flip out when you pull up next to them.

People wave and blow their horns and yell, “Hey, are you going to stay in Orlando?”

That’s what I hear now.

Does Shaq give you beef about the colours?

He has no problem with it.

I just talked to him the other day – we’re cool. He understands that it’s just for

fun. A lot of people call themselves Superman, so there’s no way somebody could be mad about it.

Those white cars are a Rolls-Royce Ghost and a Maybach. Anything on your wish list?

I wish I were shorter sometimes. Then I’d have all the sports cars. I’m just so tall I can’t fit into any of them.

CELEBRITY OBSESSION

Classical Gasol For LA Lakers power forward Pau Gasol, notHING BEATS A NIGHT with his buddies Plàcido AND Puccini

It seems like most NBA players are into hip-hop.

How’d you catch the opera bug, you cultured chap?

I got my first taste for it when I was younger, studying piano and classical music in Barcelona. Then when I joined the Lakers, I got a letter from [tenor] Plàcido Domingo welcoming me to LA and inviting me to the opera, which was a huge honour.

In the locker room, do you crank up “Ride of the Valkyries” from Apocalypse Now before the game?

No, not at all! We don’t really play music in the locker room.

If anyone wants to listen to music, they use their headphones. I might invite one of my teammates to the opera, though. That would be nice.

photos: bob croslin (HOWARD); Jeff minton (GASOL);

What about Kobe Bryant?

He grew up in Italy, so he’d at least understand what they’re singing.

Yeah, he might be open to it.

But you have to remember that most operas are more than three hours long. You go to a movie that’s over two hours, and afterward you’re like, “Man, this movie is long!”

Even if it’s good!

What would you take him to?

The opera that got me hooked was Tosca. And La Traviata is good because it’s not so dramatic – it’s more of a comedy. The last one I went to was Il Turco in Italia, which was really entertaining. I went with [former coach] Phil Jackson.

“Hey buddy, down in front!”

The people sitting behind you guys must have been really thrilled.

Well, I always tell them, “Look, I’m really trying to lean to one side, and if I’m still blocking you, tap me on the shoulder and we’ll make it work.” But I still find myself sliding down in my seat the whole time.

Being 7’1” [216cm] is hard!

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CELEBRITY OBSESSION

NBA SPECIAL

Shot clocks When the Los angeles Clippers’ all-world point guard Chris “CP3” Paul hasn’t got the ball, he has a lot of time on his hands instead

You should see what the left hand’s getting up to

How many watches are in your collection?

That’s hard to say because I have so many kinds: G-Shock, sports watches, Jordan watches. But luxury watches, I have 12 that I take everywhere I go.

Why bring them all?

Because I just never know where I’ll be going or what I’ll be wearing.

Do you have a favourite?

A limited-edition Breitling.

They only made 3,000, and they gave me number three, which is my number.

What’s the most you’ve ever spent on a watch?

Aw, man, I don’t know.

Maybe 50 grand or so.

WOrds: DAN BOVA; photo: juco (PAUL), PICTURE MEDIA (DURANT)

A lot of guys don’t wear watches because they have clocks on their phones...

To each his own. Someone may enjoy big open land and someone might buy a horse or something.

I enjoy watches.

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Shooting star Oklahoma City Thunder scoring machine Kevin “Durantula” Durant gives props to all his thin brothers out there

You’ve led the league in scoring for the past two seasons, you’re on some serious coin, and you’re a certified all-star. At 23, you’re already a massive deal. So why are you still driving a conversion van to work?

That’s my everyday car. It’s cool, know what I mean? I drive a lot.

All through 2009 I drove from Oklahoma to Texas to go to school.

I took the van. It’s got a bed in the back, a TV, and everything. I like to sleep back there! What more do you need?

During the 2010 All-Star weekend you won the H-O-R-S-E competition and were awarded what is possibly the ugliest trophy of all-time. How would you redesign it?

I’d make it a big glass centaur.

Half horse, half my torso.

You’re always standing up for the skinny guys [Durant is 206cm and 107kg]. Who’s in your skinny guy hall of fame?

Well, Snoop Dogg is undoubtedly number one. And Travis Barker is definitely in there – he’s a great drummer. Snoop, Travis Barker, and, uh … hmm. I’m gonna have to get back to you on that.

What’s your pre-game ritual?

Before every game I gotta dunk reverse and dunk left handed. I tie my shoes on the table every game.

And I gotta dance. And I gotta pray.

What dance do you do?

The Dougie.

“Buckle up, and don’t touch the radio.”

Besides playing ball, what’s the best thing you can do with a 224cm wingspan?

When I’m at the mall and they have four rows of shirts stacked, I can reach the top row, no problem.

Even if I don’t need the shirt, girls notice me. Gotta put on a little show for them, you know?

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NBA SPECIAL

The big one NBA nice guy and the tallest third of THE Miami HEAT’s Big Three, CHRIS BOSH, TALKS pressure, being a nerd, and what happened to those cool dreads

When you, LeBron, and Dwyane Wade started talking about playing together, did you even consider the huge target that would be on your backs?

Of course. Listen, Jordan, Pippen, Magic, and Bird had the circus following them, too. Every time they went on the road, the

crowd was one of the biggest sells of the season. The teams we play are giving it their best game of the year. But if you’re a ball player, you want that. Every kid on the playground, when they think of themselves shooting the last shot, it’s Finals Game 7. It’s the most extreme experience you can think of, and why not have it if you have a chance to attain it?

Speaking of the NBA Finals, commiserations on last year – but you’re looking good in 2012. Why did you choose to be the third star in Miami when you could be the premier player on almost any other team?

I just want to be on the team that wins. In the long term your success is defined by winning. I’ll give you two great examples: Pau Gasol. In Memphis he averaged 20 [points] and 10 [rebounds]. But nobody ever really recognised how great he was until he got with the Lakers. Now all of a sudden he’s the superstar. He played his

butt off every night in Memphis, but the team didn’t win. And Kevin Garnett – he was the first guy I’ve ever seen to not average a crazy amount of points but be considered for the MVP award just based on the presence he brought to Boston. But he’d been doing the same thing for 10-plus years in Minnesota, where he wasn’t winning. You help the team, and the individual success will come, regardless of your personal stats.

What’s the worst nickname the Heat trio have been called?

The Three Amigos – I mean, come on.

We’ve been trying to think of a name with a little Miami flavour. There’s gotta be some Spanish in it. It’ll come.

You’re kind of a nerd, right?

Yeah. I’ve always been a nerd. I love to read, and I’m really into computers and technology. I’m constantly on tech sites like gizmodo.com and lifehacker.com.

I love to figure out how things work.

You’re one of the league’s snappiest dressers. Have you adopted Miami Vice whites? Has your style changed?

It’s a fashion-savvy city. You can dress up, dress down. It’s loose and you have a lot more options. I’ll do anything but loafers!

“What me and the ball have is special. You’ll never understand our love!”

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If we can get a little philosophical for a sec, what do you want your legacy to be?

After we win championships, my legacy will be defined. But at the same time, I think “legacy” is more than just basketball. You know, this job is something that I’m going to be doing only for a very small fraction of time on this Earth. I want people to be like, “Oh, yeah, he was pretty good at basketball, wasn’t he? I forgot about that.”

WORDS: JESSE WILL; photo: PICTURE MEDIA

Why did you lose your dreadlocks?

It wasn’t easy. I just felt that change was imminent, and I wanted to symbolise that.

I wanted a fresh start. I wanted to move to a different chapter in my life.

Just the Tips

We get six girls to test the sex moves women’s magazines tell your girlfriend you’ll love

ondering why your lady just rubbed a scrunchie over your junk? No, she doesn’t get her kinky ideas from porn, like you. She did it because a women’s magazine told her to. You know, those innocent-looking mags she brings home – with a freshfaced Taylor Swift on the cover?

They’re loaded with bizarre and unsettling sex tips like, “Very gently bite the skin of his scrotum.”

Horrifying? Yes. But for every ball-sac endangering item, there must be a sex tip that works, right?

We had six intrepid ladies put a bunch to the fleshy test.

To the results!

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PHOTOS: WAYNE DANIELS

W

THE TIP: “Bobby pins can give serious pleasure to his nipples. Use the pointy end to lightly draw circles around his headlights. As the circles get closer to his nips, his anticipation will build, causing them to get erect. Then use the pins as mini nipple clamps – the slight pinching will intensify his pleasure.” – Cosmopolitan THE TEST: Mid make-out I whip out a bobby pin and delicately draw rings around my boyfriend’s areola. He giggles because he’s ticklish – and because I’m circling his nips with a hair accessory. I make the circles smaller and smaller until there’s direct contact with the target. As Cosmo predicted, his nipples could cut glass at this point, but I’m pretty sure it’s not because he’s “primed for action”. (Clue No. 1: He asks if I’m done yet.

Clue No. 2: He’s still laughing.) I clamp the pin on to shut him up. He’s stopped laughing, but he’s not exactly moaning. More like whimpering. I leave him clamped and turn my attention below the belt, which seems to go well… until he asks me to remove the bobby pin because it’s starting to hurt.

THE VERDICT: Less bobby pin, more hand job. – Laura Leu

THE TIP: “When you go down on him, have an ice cube and a cup of warm tea nearby.

Every few minutes, alternate between sucking on the ice and sipping the tea.

The sensations will drive him wild.”

– Women’s Health THE TEST: This trick really seems to work.

“Ooh, that’s intense,” he says when I make the first switch from cold to warm. I’m glad he’s enjoying himself, though I feel weird pausing constantly to switch. Encouraged by his enthusiasm, I go rogue, keeping some warm water in my mouth to, I don’t know, bathe his penis in it. But the water ends up splashing all over the place, and I stumble around, coughing, looking for a towel. He doesn’t seem to mind.

THE VERDICT: His thoughts: “You’re just psyched that you cut your blow job time in half.” Um, guilty as charged. – Sarah Choi

THE TIP: “Do something unexpected with toys you have lying around the house: a hairbrush is perfect for gently scratching his skin. Run a rolling pin over his back and thighs during an erotic massage. Use a blush brush to tickle his package.” – Cosmopolitan THE TEST: I try the hairbrush first, running it over my boyfriend’s back and butt while he’s THE TIP: “Sit naked in front of a mirror on top. This elicits an inquiry as to whether together and describe everything you love I think his back needs waxing. Next up, the about each other’s body. Now take turns blush-brush ball tickler. This only succeeds in giving each other slow and sensual oral making him convulse in laughter, totally killing sex in front of the mirror.” – Marie Claire the mood. His balls, however, are a lovely, THE TEST: My fiancé and I sit in front of the mirror. I try not to laugh, but a nude guy sitting sparkly, rosy hue. When it comes time to massage his legs with a rolling pin, I balk. Who cross-legged is not particularly sexy. I glance do they think I am, Betty freaking Crocker? at myself and instantly zone in on my flaws: THE VERDICT: These tips were useless, but your arm looks fat, suck in your stomach. OK, they did get me thinking more creatively. The better to look at him. I begin the description phase: “I love your defined obliques. And your rolling pin tip inspired me to go to the kitchen, where I handed him a wooden spoon and told back muscles.” Sounds like a shopping list. him to spank me. All parties were eminently He tells me he loves my tits, my hips, and my arse. I wish I hadn’t eaten so much fro-yo. Part satisfied. – Odile Markovich one is ridiculous, so we move on to part two.

The second we stand up, we both look a lot THE TIP: “Sprinkle a little pepper underneath sexier. We get down to business. his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing THE VERDICT: It was like watching porn, can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the starring us – hot. The lesson: use the mirror feel-good effects.” – Cosmopolitan for visual stimulation. Save the chat for THE TEST: Positioning, timing, and surprise breakfast. – Gabrielle Hollander are everything here. I get on top, and when

All about you and your nuts

It’s not just their sex tips that are weird. MOST Women’s mags are bursting with ridiculous “secrets” GUY SECRET REVEALED: “The age at which men stop sharing details about their sex life with their friends is: 27.”

– Cosmopolitan MAXIM EDITOR RESPONSE: “I’m still waiting to lose my virginity. I got close once but, alas, she wanted me to pay upfront.” – Daniel Steiner, Associate Editor

GUY SECRET REVEALED: “If your man keeps scratching his nose or ears, he’s lying.”

– Women’s Health MAXIM EDITOR RESPONSE: “I scratch my arse a lot but she interprets that as a pledge of my undying love.”

– Michael Downs, Publisher

GUY SECRET REVEALED: “If he takes a blurry photo of you, you’re not at the forefront of his attention.”

– Cosmopolitan MAXIM EDITOR RESPONSE: “Well, how is your blurry photo supposed to compete in this world of hi-def porn in which we live?!” – Luke Shaddock, Art Director

my man is ready to come, I grab the pepper shaker and hold it above his face. He opens his eyes, sees me holding the pepper like an ice pick, and asks what the f—k I’m doing.

Boner: gone. Sexual experimentation privileges: revoked.

THE VERDICT: I bet any orgasm at all is better than one that’s been derailed because one partner is trying to jam spices in the other’s orifices. – Esther Smith THE TIP: “Pop in earplugs. It will enhance the sound of your breathing so that you can focus solely on your other four senses.”

– Women’s Health THE TEST: We’re in bed, and I get out the plugs. “I want to put these in,” I whisper.

“In where?” he asks. “Our ears, weirdo.”

He obliges, and we go at it. Initially I feel disconnected, but as our breathing gets heavier, it gets intense. Definitely the most powerful orgasm either of us has had in a while.

THE VERDICT: Sensory deprivation is actually really cool. We plan to try it again in the shower. And maybe with blindfolds.

– Samara Eldridge

l tota b.s. t! r ale

GUY SECRET REVEALED: “If your guy dreams about having sex with someone in his office, it just means he’s stressed about work.”

– Cosmopolitan MAXIM EDITOR RESPONSE: “So that’s why I’m always thinking about the damn photocopier during sex.

It all makes sense now!”

– Santi Pintado, Editor-in-Chief

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It’s in the Ink Before you approach her at the bar, make sure you know what that tattoo means

All hail the Pale CUB Master Brewer John Cozens cracks open a bottle of knowledge about his latest creation

Be of ther mon e th

T

alk us through the brew process, John.

Our aim was to create a brew, using only natural ingredients, that would have an all-malt character and an emphatic but subtle hop flavour, in the style of an easy-drinking, sessionable beer. Having decided that the brew would be 100 per cent Australian Pale Malt, we trialled a number of different hops before deciding upon a combination of Australian Pride of Ringwood hops for bitterness, and Saaz hops from the Czech Republic for a pilsner-style aroma and clean, crisp finish.

How does it differ to other lagers out there?

The use of only natural ingredients, 100 per cent malt, and an overt hop character to create such an easy drinking flavour sets it apart from the competition.

Will drinking it make us more attractive to women?

I can’t promise that, but you might feel more attractive, which is just as good! The beautifully embossed stubby puts this beer in a class of its own, so whatever the occasion, you’ll be the envy of your mates for sure.

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if she has: a tramp stamp. she is: down for a good time; probably got the tatt in uni after a few too many tequila shots at the student bar. approach if: she’ll probably approach you. Beware of burly boyfriends and STIs.

C R eahidildngre n of th e fu tu re th Lo ve , Kswnoeetw th at isin inadi gn an t paaggee , , lo ve , wa s for me r tim e –W ill ia m Bth laou gh t a cr im e . ke

if she has: verse. she is: eager to look sophisticated.

And maybe that Keats poem does inform her everyday existence. approach if: you’re ready for deep chats about philosophy.

Or if you actually like reading.

Like, you know, books and shit.

Translation: “Moron”

if she has: an Asian character. she is: a spiritual sort who takes pride in her ideogram’s meaning. approach if: her “strength” symbol doesn’t match yours... but now you’re worried that the one you got actually means “dickhead.”

if she has: a Mike Tyson stamp. she is: probably crazy. approach if: you’re OK with the possibility of waking up in a tub full of ice missing your kidneys.

Threesomes Made Easy Make a killer, three-ingredient cocktail with whatever you’ve got

You don’t need a degree in mixology or a laundry list of add-ins to make a great cocktail – just a bit of booze and some stuff that’s easy to buy or possibly hiding in your fridge behind that vintage pizza from your Y2K doomsday party

make THIS! Gin Rickey 60mL gin Fresh lime juice to taste Soda water to top it off Pour the gin and juice (like Snoop!) over some ice, spritz in some fizz, and stir.

ila te

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if you have... m

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Black Stripe 1 part dark rum 1½ parts hot water Honey or molasses to taste Rum ain’t just for beach season. Pour the dark rum and a bit of sweetener into a glass, fill ’er up with hot water, and give it a good stir.

Toss in a cinnamon stick to next-level this belly-warming bad boy.

Rob Roy 2 parts scotch 1 part Italian sweet vermouth Dash of bitters So what if it’s just a Manhattan with scotch? The Rob Roy is about as simple (and satisfying) as it gets. Just stir the ingredients with ice before straining this sucker into a chilled cocktail glass.

qu

gi

Southern Shandy 9 parts beer (nothing too dark!)

8 parts lemonade 1 part peach brandy With built-in bubbles and lemonade, this is basically a MacGyver version of a 2L bottle of DIY Sprite-brew mix.

Toss all the liquids together and go stir crazy (shaking beer is a really bad idea).

Paloma 2 parts tequila ½ part lime juice Grapefruit soda to taste Move over, margarita – a paloma tames tequila without sending you into a diabetic coma.

Vodka Gimlet 2 parts vodka 1 part Rose’s lime juice 1 lime wedge If you don’t have sweetened lime juice, just add a teaspoon of powdered sugar to the fresh stuff.

Sidecar 2 parts cognac or brandy 1 part Cointreau ½ part fresh lemon juice The secret of the sidecar: It’s probably the sweetest drink a man can reasonably get away with ordering in public. Shake with ice, then strain into a chilled cocktail glass with a sugared rim. Then book a dental appointment.

Brown Derby 2 parts bourbon 1 part grapefruit juice ½ part honey This 1930s Hollywood classic brings you back to a time when Prussia was a place and syphilis was a death sentence.

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Food

The Damn Good ‘Nam-Wich Sanga sage Brendan McGinley’s step-by-step guide to making Vietnam’s super-sub, the Bánh Mì

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he Bánh Mì is a sandwich for the eating man who feels that this ham could be porkier.

Intrigued? No? Then neither we nor Heaven can save you, vegetarian. It is a basic Vietnamese sub. In fact, it’s pretty much Vietnam’s only sandwich. But you’d stop at one, too, if you invented this on your first attempt

⊲ Bread Bánh Mì means “Wheat cake” in Vietnamese, but cake can only wish it were this delicious. An extracrisp baguette is your only bread for the Bánh Mì.

(Vietnamese baguettes use rice flour to make for a thinner crust and airy crumb.) To prepare, you might want to cut a broad, shallow trench in the sliced bread. This provides a good home for the many loose ingredients, and also protects them from Charlie, who could be anywhere.

⊲ Meat Pork: a pork liver pâté isn’t going to be easy to find, but you need it to rock this sandwich. Get chummy with your butcher, and see if she won’t set some aside for you. Yeah, your butcher’s a lady. It’s the 21st Century. But you left your wallet at home… how will you pay for all this pâté? (Bom chicka wow wow... awwww yeah ...ew. You’re imagining a porno in a room full of blood and guts. Grow up, deviant.) If you can’t find pork liver pâté, a crushed pork meatball can carry the sandwich. Or use both! Pair them with pork belly, which is bacon on the Y-axis.

Brawn (aka head cheese): brother, what goes into a head cheese would make a hot dog blush. And it’s delicious – beautiful on the tongue, like a model speaking French. Slice it thin as you can: You’ll know which one it is at the deli – it’s the only meat that has yet to be unwrapped and sold to anyone.

Ham: thin-sliced or shredded, some boiled ham will bring a smile to everyone except the pig it came from (and even then only because his lips are in the head cheese.)

⊲ Vegetables You’re going to julienne all of these veggies, which is a fancy way of saying “slice into long, thin strips perfect for a sub sandwich”. Unless you know a girl named Julienne, in which case, this is a different affair entirely.

Cucumber: did you julienne it? Then you’re done.

Carrot: You have to pickle it after it’s sliced. It’s pretty easy to do – you’ll probably have more trouble buying a...

Daikon radish: also pickled. If you can’t find it, cheat with jicama (yam bean) or plain old radishes (but they have a little more kick).

Cilantro: three or four whole sprigs, stem and all. If you’re one of those people incapable of enjoying cilantro, just quit. You have no business

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⊲ Condiment Look, you already have two kinds of pig on the roll, so let’s not pretend to be healthconscious now. Get real mayonnaise: eggs, oil, an acidlike lemon juice or vinegar, maybe a touch of mustard.

Nothing with xanthan gum.

Got the mayo? Good. Now mix it up real good with softened butter. You want rich, fattening flavour, because that pork died so that you could eat a good sandwich.

You’re going to honour the swine’s sacrifice by following it into heaven as far as your arteries will let you. It’s common to spread this sandwich-y delight with a spicy chilli sauce, and to finish: A little bit of soy sauce to remind the roll of its roots. People will tell you to use Maggi sauce – they are correct.

⊲ Cheese

⊲ In conclusion

Mostly left off, but it’s not unusual to spread a soft cheese here for its texture and flavour. Your mayo should have this covered, though, leaving you free to woo fair young damsels.

What you should be holding in your hands now is a crispy flavour-grenade full of pork and pickleds, accelerated by some hot zip and a smear of good old-fashioned heart attack sauce. Enjoy, fellas!

Health

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Fitness

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THE BIGGEST LOSER WORKOUT Michelle Bridges, super-trainer and author of Losing The Last 5 Kilos, is here to rid you of the pesky pudge, obscuring your six-pack, with this upper body regime

“Yes, I could smash you in an arm wrestle.”

fitball dumbbell chest press

1

Sit on the edge of the fitball and rest some light/medium dumbbells on your thighs. Walking your feet forward, roll down the fitball and lower your shoulders so that your body is horizontal. the dumbbells above your head, holding them approximately 2 Lift 10cm apart with straight arms. Have your feet hip-width apart and squeeze your backside and thighs to keep you stable.

push-ups (knees or toes) Kneel on the ground and walk your hands forward until they are slightly wider than shoulder-width apart. Straighten your arms, keep your torso long and strong and look directly at the floor.

Your knees can be hip-width apart or together.

1

variation: Working on your toes is harder – avoid having your backside ‘up’; think of your body as a long plank of wood.

your midsection braced and inhale as you lower the dumbbells 3 Keep towards the outside of your chest.

your abs pulled in, inhale, bend your elbows and lower 2 Keeping your upper body until your chest is about 10cm off the floor. variation: Try walking push-ups or having one hand on a low bench and then swapping.

4 Exhale as you press the dumbbells back to the top.

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to keep your shoulders away from your ears as you exhale and 3 Try straighten your arms to return to the start position.

triceps dips off a bench

1

Sit on a low bench and grip the edge with the heel of the hand on the bench, fingers wrapped around it. Support your weight through your arms and shoulders and walk your feet forward so that your thighs are parallel to the floor. The further out your feet, the harder it gets.

dumbbell rows

1

Select a medium/heavy dumbbell and place one knee on a bench. Support yourself by placing your free hand on the bench and your opposite foot slightly back and on the floor.

Square up your shoulders and your hips and lock yourself into a strong position with a long straight spine. Allow the dumbbell to hang directly below your shoulder. variation: Try placing a weight in your lap for added intensity or having your feet up on a bench as well.

as you pull the dumbell up to your hip bone, keeping your 2 Exhale elbow close to your torso. Avoid twisting through your body, stay as you lower your body until your upper arms are 2 Inhale almost horizontal to the floor. Avoid allowing your shoulders

still and strong.

to scrunch up around your ears.

3

Exhale as you drive yourself up, squeezing the backs of your arms.

Pause and inhale as you lower the dumbbell back to the starting

3 position. Make sure to do both sides.

one-arm squat press Holding a light to medium dumbbell in one hand, take your feet slightly wider than your hips, toes turned slightly out, centre of knee aligns with centre of your shoe. Place the other hand ďŹ rmly on your hip and feel strong and braced within your core.

1

variation: Try using kettle bells or do it with no weight and add a power jump in the air at the top.

your knees into a squat position and lean forward so as 2 Bend to tap your dumbbell to the oor. Be sure to maintain perfect posture, chest proud, shoulders back and down and abs pulled in. yourself up from the squat position and in the same motion press 3 Drive your dumbbell over your head once you get to standing position. Brace your core for extra drive to the top.

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Health

body rows

Fitness

1

Lie on the fl oor underneath a secure bar placed across two benches. You can use a Smith machine in the gym for this as well.

Grip the bar slightly wider

2 than shoulder width or

more. Your body is long and now you must ‘stiffen’ it like a plank of wood, bracing your abs and squeezing your backside and thighs.

Exhale as you pull your

3 chest toward the bar,

variation: Using gym equipment like a Smith machine can help with heights of the bar.

You can also have your feet elevated on a low bench.

standing dumbbell shoulder press

1

Holding light to medium dumbbells, stand tall with your feet in a split stance. Your front knee should be soft and take most of your weight; the ball of the back foot should be on the fl oor, your back leg acting as a prop to stop you from leaning backwards or arching your back. You should feel anchored into the ground, rock solid.

squeezing your shoulder blades back and together. Inhale as you slowly lower yourself down.

Avoid dropping completely to the fl oor – try to keep the tension on one rep after the other. mountain climbers

1

Start by kneeling on one knee and placing your hands either side of your front leg on the floor, slightly wider than your shoulders. Move your body weight forward onto your hands and lift the back knee up off the floor. You are now in start position.

your midsection braced, exhale as you drive the 2 Keeping dumbbells up, keeping them slightly forward of your face at the top of the movement. Do not lock out your elbows and do not push the dumbbells back behind your head. as you carefully lower the dumbbells back to the start position.

3 Inhale Make sure you maintain perfect posture throughout the movement.

both feet off the ground, switching position whilst most 2 Spring of your body weight is in your upper body. It’s a relatively brisk switch back and forth.

variation:

sure to pull your abs in and stay strong 3 Make through the shoulder and arms.

Use a barbell

Edited extract from Losing the Last 5 Kilos

by Michelle Bridges.

Photography by Nick Wilson.

Published by Viking.

RRP: $29.95.

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G A BAL

The World Testicle C king Championships We hang out and take an inside look at Serbia’s answer to MasterChef… except with more scrotum

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Sack attack

Six things you need to know about the WTCC

In 2004, the first “BallCup” was held in the idyllic forests of Serbia. Today, the festival, a “cultural exchange” that celebrates testicles, food, and partying, spans three days – location, weather, and successful organisation permitting (it’s run entirely by volunteers) – and attracts between 1,000 and 4,000 people. Countries that have been represented include: America, Australia, Ireland, Brazil, Israel, Bulgaria, Romania, Switzerland, and South Africa.

In Serbia, balls are affectionately known as “white kidneys.” The reasoning behind eating them? The WTCC organisers told us that testicles are the only meat that can be eaten while the animal donor remains alive. In addition to that, they look to promote the responsible consumption of animal meat i.e. If an animal is killed for its meat, why not eat the whole animal?

The founder Behind every great testicle cooking competition is a great man

Generally, in Serbia, the price of testicles is much cheaper than ‘regular’ meat. In fact, depending on your level of enthusiasm, butchers have been known to give them away for free. The Serbs have various specialties based on offal, and sack Skittles, which were a favourite of the Serbian Royal Family, are no exception. Since they’re packed with minerals and cholesterol, testes are to be consumed in moderation.

According to the Guinness Book of World Records: “The world’s largest and longest-running testicle-cooking championship is the World Ball Cup, held each year since 2004 in Gornji Milanovac, Serbia.” It’s estimated the amount of balls used at the 2011 event was around the 100kg mark.

© Lisa Quinones

Besides those from a human, all animal testicles can be consumed. And there’s a rich history of it: the Greeks used to eat sheep’s balls prior to battle for strength; the Romans believed dining on the balls of a healthy animal could heal a man of his own testicular problems; and the Chinese used them as a libido booster.

Sixteen species of animal donate their testicles to the WTCC's culinary cause. The array of options available is impressive: boar, bull, donkey, kangaroo, ostrich, rabbit, deer, shark, ram, horse, rooster. The majority of balls are from either boars or bulls.

Yeah, yeah, the pepper looks like a penis. Real funny

Ljubomir Erovic

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he first time Ljubomir Erović, 48, tasted testicles was at a party in the late-’80s. After consuming a “delicious goulash,” he became “incredibly aroused” and felt a surge of energy course through his body.

The next day he was informed that the mystical dish with potent aphrodisiac properties was actually rabbit testicle goulash. That’s when his love affair with cojones as cuisine began.

After receiving training from chefs in the distinct gastronomic field, the Serbian pioneer decided a cooking comp was in order. Its motto? “The Scots have scotch, the Swiss have cheese, and we Serbs have balls!”

Ljubomir, who was born in central Serbia, runs a company that maintains medical and dental equipment and lists his preferred white kidneys as those from bulls, stallions, ostriches, rams, and donkeys – and they’re the ones he cooks with most.

But what do testicles taste like?

“If you think that testicles have an especially strong flavour or smell, you're very wrong,” Ljubomir says. “In combination with special spices, it is a pretty strong aphrodisiac.” The Iron Chef of bollocks likes to use various kinds of wild mushrooms, onion, garlic, honey, meat, lots of spices, and “secret ingredients” in his recipes.

(God only knows what they could be, considering the main ingredient is the body’s sperm production centre.)

He also recommends white wine as an accompaniment to any and all testicular offerings – 30 of which can be found in his e-book The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking with Balls.

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© Lisa Quinones

© Lisa Quinones

Anna Wexler The jury president

"Remember, guys: It's impolite not to swallow."

A three-festival veteran who makes the tough calls on balls

when did you first hear about the ballcup?

I came across the testicle festival the way I find out about all important things in my life:

by Googling weird shit late at night. Somehow I came across Ljubomir’s e-book and in the opening video he mentions the festival. Right then, I knew that I had to go. I emailed Ljubomir, offered to put on a free fire show [Anna is a fire performer], and several weeks later I found myself on a rickety bus heading into central Serbia.

The appeal of the Ball Cup for men is obvious e.g. “Hey, look! I’m cooking with balls!” What is the appeal for a woman?

It’s the same appeal. Although, to be fair, probably about 95 per cent of the cooks are male. There are more women in general attendance, but overall, it’s definitely a male-dominated event.

You’ve been heading the judging panel for three years now. How did you become Jury President?

When I first came to the WTCC, in 2009, I was in for a bit of a surprise: it turned out that I was the one who’d travelled the farthest to eat balls.

I’d come from my home in Tel Aviv, Israel, and everyone else was from Serbia or the Balkans.

That may be part of the reason why Ljubomir gave me the honour of being President of the Jury. and What does this extremely prestigious post involve?

Tasting the testicles in the top-secret jury room, along with the rest of the jury. Unfortunately, I don’t have veto power. I’m also part of the “face” of the WTCC: I lead the opening ceremonies, speak at the press conference, give interviews, and present the awards at the closing ceremonies.

Testicles skewered on bicycle spokes.

Seriously, no joke

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What is it that keeps you coming back to the WTCC FOR MORE? For two full days I’m a rock star in Serbia. I’m in

the newspapers, on radio and TV, and I lead the opening and closing ceremonies. Last year I even had a bodyguard. I get to do ridiculous things, like present the “Ballsiest Man of the Year” award to Barack Obama at the press conference [in 2010]. It all culminates in tasting over a dozen testicle dishes and awarding the official BallCup trophy, which is a wooden sculpture of a man with a gigantic erect penis.

How’s the crowd?

I like hanging with crazy people and Serbs are pretty f—king nuts. There’s no bullshit with them, no pleasantries – they’re open, honest, and they’ll tell you what’s on their mind. They’re funny, too.

There’s definitely a language barrier, but alcohol – especially that Serbian rakia – has a magical way of breaking it down. The people are extremely hospitable and everyone at the festival has become sort of like family… my Serbian, testicleeating family.

What is the overall atmosphere like?

I like to think of it as a kind of redneck-style American cookout, only transplanted to Eastern Europe, which means more alcohol, more partying, and just total craziness. I’ve travelled to some of the best parties in the world – Burning Man, raves in Goa, Full Moon parties in Thailand – and BallCup tops them all. It’s authentic.

A rather deep question now: what do balls mean to you?

Well, I’m happy I don’t have them – I can’t imagine walking around with two wrinkled, über-sensitive sacks dangling from any part of my body, much less my crotch – but I’m happy that I can metaphorically have them. That is, as a writer, I’m thankful for the role balls have played in enriching the English language. Why bother calling somebody “courageous” or “adventurous” when you can just say that he’s got balls?

For more on Anna: www.annawexler.com

I usually go back and re-taste all the top contenders, and only then do I start to consciously analyse things. I think about style, creativity, texture, and flavour. The dish that won top prize the last two years in a row is incredible: It’s a kind of stew with testicles, vegetables, peanuts, olives, and lots of spices.

There’s an initial taste, followed by a second taste as the spices kick in, and then after you’re done swallowing there’s another taste that floats up – and you’re just left with this awesome aftertaste. I don’t know how they do it.

There’s no written description next to each dish in the jury room, so I actually never know what kind of testicles I’m eating.

Bull is probably the most popular variety, though. In terms of logistics, the scoring works slightly differently each year and it’s often a bit chaotic. Generally speaking, all the judges give an independent rating of each dish – say, on a scale from 1 to 10 – and the overall totals are tallied up for each dish. If there’s a tie, we re-taste the dish and give new ratings to break the tie.

© Lisa Quinones

© Lisa Quinones

here are a number of different awards: There is an overall prize for taste, which is the most coveted, but there are also prizes for things like presentation. In 2009, because of a language miscommunication, I actually invented an award for best texture. In terms of the main prize, the first time I taste a dish I try not to be too cerebral about things.

There are always a few dishes that immediately stand out – like, holy shit, this is f—king fantastic – and there are also a few that you quickly want to spit out into a napkin.

© Lisa Quinones

T

Anna demystifies the tough task of judging gonad gourmet

© Lisa Quinones

Ball of duty

Clockwise: a bucket of balls; testicle stew; tasting the 'Bourbon With Balls' cocktail; attendees in their custom tees; the Brazilian contingent are all smiles

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© Lisa Quinones

Stefan CANDBY

The Danish dynamo became the first-ever “BallTender” at the 2011 comp

HOW EXACTLY DID YOU COME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR A TESTICLE COCKTAIL? Before leaving Denmark for the BallCup, I thought, ‘I’m a bartender, so why not make a cocktail with cooked balls in it – just for the fun of it?’ I came up with a recipe that I knew would work well, packed my bar tools, and asked if I could participate upon arrival. They’d never had a bartender make a cocktail with balls, but they were so happy with the idea that they thought the world’s first cocktail with testicles in it should be shared with everybody. I hope this year there will be space for a separate bartending competition

and that bartenders with balls from around the world will enter!

WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH TESTICLE EATING? I was fortunate to taste them for the first time in the jungles of Sumatra, while living with the Mentawai people last year. Every time we castrated a pig, we ate the balls right after. We would boil them for a few minutes in bamboo pipes while the pig ran squealing around our hut in the deep of the forest.

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DID YOU CELEBRATE YOUR CREATIVE COCKTAIL SKILLS BY GETTING PISSED? After the final, yes, we drank a lot of bourbon and plum brandy – the local moonshine. We also ate balls from all the competitors’ dishes.

DID YOU RETURN TO DENMARK A HERO? Yeah, I did harvest a lot of respect from friends around the world who heard about the festival!

Bourbon with Balls >Take two pig or lamb balls and boil for about five minutes in a concoction of water, salt, pepper, grated ginger, lemongrass,

© Lisa Quinones

And to . . . k n i r d

RECKON A SHOT OF BALLS COULD WORK? It could actually. Maybe that is an idea for 2012!

I used to serve oyster shots in my old bar, so hell yeah, it could work with small balls, like a rabbit’s.

© Lisa Quinones

DO YOU FEEL IT WHEN YOU’RE SKEWERING THE NUTS FOR YOUR COCKTAIL? Not at all. It’s like cutting any kind of meat but you’ve got a cheaky smile during it.

WHAT DID EVERYONE THINK OF BOURBON WITH BALLS? Judges, special guests, and the audience members who tried it loved it and raved about it.

Everybody went crazy and so many people came to congratulate me. No prize, but it was a star moment for me and was definitely worth the trip.

and lemon zest. Once done, place aside and allow to cool. >Take a rib bone from a pig, sharpen it, and skewer balls. Make sure bone has

been cooked – you don’t want a raw bone in your drink! >Boil sugar peas mixed with a sheet of gelantine or a spoon of Agar Agar

WORDS: ANNA WEXLER, ZORAN JEVTIC, DANIEL STEINER, MARKO NIKOLIĆ, STEFAN CANDBY, LJUBOMIR EROVIĆ; PHOTOS: LISA QUIÑONES, ANNA WEXLER, ZORAN JEVTIC, MARKO NIKOLIĆ, LJUBOMIR EROVIĆ

The innovator

WTF doesn't even begin to describe this boiled offering

Spot the poor bastard who didn't get the memo to wear tradtional attire

Cooking with nuts A couple of dishes you can whip up next time your folks come over for dinner

Testicle Pizza Ingredients Bull’s testicles.

A few bacon rashers – streaky, finely chopped.

Fresh capsicum, finely chopped.

Onion, finely sliced.

100g cheddar.

Ground black pepper.

Rolled ham.

One egg.

2-3 tbsp tomato purée.

Oil. Method Start by rubbing pizza-flattened dough with oil and pour on tomato purée.

Bake for about five minutes at 225ºC. Top pizza with finely chopped bacon, fresh pepper, onion, milled black pepper, rolled ham, grated cheddar, and sliced testicles (in that order).

Break an egg over the middle.

Put pizza back in oven and bake for another five minutes at 225ºC. Tips: Make sure the rolled ham is laid under cheese.

For an extra kick, use spicy tomato sauce.

Marko Nikolic The champ

The cheeky 2009 winner believes his 'special sauce' is best

HOW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BALLCUP? Cooking with balls is part of our tradition [Marko is Serbian]. One grows up with a pair and it is hard to ignore a cooking-with-balls competition in your neighbourhood.

WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO ENTER? As a man with balls, I wanted to show how tasty mine are. The world needs to know what my balls are made of.

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO INTERESTED IN BALLS, AND COOKING WITH THEM? To start with, there is a belief that a great pair of balls is hard to cum by [yes, that’s the response Marko gave us – Ed]. But the real benefit is that balls make everyone happy and warm during

[gelantine made from seaweed]. Add a teaspoon of sugar then blend or mash together. Add 250mL of whipped cream, pour into a shaker, then set aside to cool.

bedtime. This I have proved and tested.

WHEN OTHER CONTESTANTS CUT INTO BALLS, DOES iT MAKE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE? I’m not really sure if this question relates to me.

When you have a strong pair of balls, girly words like “fear”, “painful”, and “uncomfortable” are not in your vocabulary.

WHAT DISH DID YOU MAKE TO CLAIM TOP SPOT IN 2009?

I made a dish I like to call Fire Balls Goulash.

The secret to my success is my special sauce.

WHAT DID YOU WIN? I received a trophy of a man with an oversized cock and balls.

>Shake 90mL [three nips] of Maker’s Mark Bourbon with four to five stems of fresh mint, a squeeze of lemon, and ice. Strain into a rocks glass.

>Pour soft and sweet pea foam on top of drink then add testicle skewer. Cheers!

Recipes: Stefan candby (drink); Ljubomir Erović (meals).

For more on the WTCC go to: www.ballcup.com. The 2012 championship will take place from August 31

Testicle Pie Ingredients 1kg bull’s testicles, minced.

One large onion.

1 tsp salt and pepper.

Mixed seasoning.

Six eggs.

One tub medium-sized yoghurt.

200mL sparkling mineral water.

1kg filo pastry sheets.

Method Wash testicles thoroughly and boil them for 30-45 minutes. Once softened, mince them in a mincer.

Fry onions, and add minced testicles and salt to taste. Remove pot from stove.

Add mixed seasoning, three eggs, and yoghurt. Once mix is ready, spread it over each filo sheet.

Before baking, cut the pie into cubes and top it with a mix of three eggs and sparkling mineral water.

Bake in oven at 200ºC until golden brown.

N.B. For both recipes, testicles must be marinated overnight in a marinade consisting of 2/3 water, 1/3 vinegar, one bay leaf, and peppercorns.

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She’s added a spoonful of smoulder to some of the greatest guy flicks ever. Now, with The Three Musketeers out on DVD, Milla Jovovich is ready to make you fall in love all over again

PHOTOS: MATT JONES

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ey Milla, love the shoot.

It’s very… nude.

It was really funny, ’cause the stylist was like, “So, it’s up to you how far you wanna go.

We have dresses here and all that.” I was like, “Look, I do Vogue, OK? I’m not doing this to advertise a designer – I’m doing this to show my body. Lingerie and a sheet, OK?” She’s like, “Oh my God, most actresses are so, like, ‘Nooo! I don’t want to put on lingerie!’ I was like, “Uh-uh, it’s all about my body, OK?” You’ve been working since you were very young...

I’ve been modeling since I was 11 years old. ...yet compared with other young celebrities, you pretty much stayed out of trouble. What was the most rebellious thing you did?

Probably being on the cover of High Times as a teen.

How did that happen?

I was performing music at that time – and smoking pot – and the guys from High Times came to one of my shows. They

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were like, “Hey, wanna be on the cover?”

It was just one of those stupid things you do when you’re young. I thought it was a big joke, but my poor mum was so mortified. But it could’ve been a lot worse.

When you look at all the horror stories of young, successful kids, I’m glad I didn’t end up dead.

Do you still have a copy of the issue?

Actually, there’s this big painting of me on the cover that my grandma has on her wall! I’m smoking a big fat hoochie joint, but I don’t think she understands what it is.

I said to my mum, “How could you put that on Babushka’s wall?” She’s like, “Where else to put it? It’s an embarrassment – and nobody comes to Babushka’s house anyway.”

You’ve got about 40 flicks under your belt now. Do you ever watch your old movies?

I actually saw Zoolander the other day. It was funny, man. I heard something about a sequel, and if they do it, I really hope they bring back Katinka.

No, I don’t think so. And if there were one, there’d have to be another incarnation of my character. Leeloo has to stay forever the way she was. She’s very special.

Most blokes know you from the Resident Evil franchise, the fifth instalment of which comes out in October. How do you gear yourself up to play a zombie killer?

I do a lot of training for these films so I can do my own stunts. I think fans of Resident Evil love to know that it’s really me doing everything. I definitely want to give that to them.

Considering the types of movies you’re famous for, how do you feel about being a dream girl for geeks?

I love that, man! I think it’s great, because it means that smart men like me. Plus, nerdy guys are always the cool ones in the end.

I mean, who wants to date a stupid jock?

I think that, eventually, the nerds get the cool girls. Just do what you do really well and everything else will fall into place.

Patrick Carone

What about a Fifth Element sequel?

You own that movie!

The Three Musketeers is out February 22

I’m not doing this to advertise a designer – I’m doing this to show my body.

All I need to wear is lingerie and a sheet.

”

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My grandma has a painting on her wall of me smoking a big fat hoochie joint.

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Status Update

HOLIDAY FROM HELL: “I had a gruelling trip to Peru once. I was in the middle of nowhere with my mum and a couple of friends, and we just weren’t prepared for the intensity of the hikes. At one point my mum was like [in Russian accent], ‘They must send helicopter, or I will have heart attack.’”

WONDER WOMAN: “Yeah, you know, I have an action hero part of me. Since I was little, I always wanted to be a ninja.”

DIET UPGRADE: “I was a big pizza and burger person when I was younger.

Now I eat a lot, but it’s good stuff, like sushi or chicken.”

WEIRD HOBBY: “I collect dollhouses – I have, like, nine.

I’m really into creating worlds. I’ll just sit for hours putting up the wallpaper and hooking up the electricity.”

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STYLING: TARA SWENNEN AT THE WALL GROUP; HAIR: ERIC GABRIEL FOR THE WALL GROUP; MAKE-UP: VANESSA SCALI FOR SHU UEMURA AT TRACEYMATTINGLY.COM

HOMETOWN: Kiev, Ukraine.

BIRTHDAY: December 17, 1975.

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I think that, eventually, the nerds get the cool girls.

�

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WE LIKE TO WATCH

Film

News Flash ⊲ Out now: Chronicle – where three high schoolers find out they have special powers.

Then, as most guys would, they use their powers for evil. Kids today… sheesh!

Movie maths

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Johnny Depp on playing friend and literary firebrand Hunter S Thompson in The Rum Diary...

Depp impact

Passport stamps The movie, about Jason Statham’s quest to kill his way to Clive Owen, who is holding Robert De Niro (his British Elite SAS mentor) captive, takes us all over the place – Mexico, Oman, France, the UK. Most of it was cunningly filmed in Australia, though, which makes us feel a little cheated. Then again, why would you watch punchhappy action porn for the scenery? Bringing us to…

We crunch the numbers on the world tour of carnage that is Killer Elite

The ‘Wussy’ factor “Wussy” refers to someone who is partwimp, part-pussy. And that’s you. Whoa, whoa, whoa – don’t cry. We only mean you’re a wussy in the context of this movie.

You’ve gotta love any flick that makes you feel feminine compared to the main characters, and this exceeds at that. Like, even Clive Owen’s horrifying moustache is manlier than most dudes. Pretty sure it knows Muay Thai.

Y

Yvonne Strahovski Add our cover girl to the already potent brew of brawling, machismo, and De Niro blowing away punk bitches, and things get better still. Statham dates Rosie HuntingtonWhiteley in real-life, so it’s only the best for him.

Which means Yvonne plays his love interest.

A love interest who doesn’t walk around wearing only high heels and a smile, sadly.

ou were pretty close to Hunter. What are some things people didn’t know about him?

The main thing that no one really understood or realised about Hunter was that he had a very strong, very thick moral fibre.

He was, first and foremost, a Southern Gentleman. He was chivalrous. He was a hypersensitive man, hence the self-medication. Nobody saw that.

What everyone expected from Hunter Thompson was that the circus had come to town. It was

Almost all the usual Statham movie ridiculousness The filmmakers decided to subtract some of the things we’ve typically come to expect from the Statham canon: jumper leads on nipples, racial insensitivity, using a fire hose to incapacitate foes – you know, the usual.

Grounding Killer Elite in reality does work in its favour but dramatically reduces the ‘Is it supposed to be this shit?’ laugh factor.

like, “What’s he going to do now?”

I witnessed it the first time I met him. He walked into a bar and cleared a path with a giant cattle prod and a Taser gun. He did that for about 10 minutes, and it worked.

Did you do the fire-breathing scenes yourself?

Yes, I did the fire-breathing. That was one of those things where I was excited because Michael [Rispoli, co-star] had a chicken sitting on top of his head, and then there was the possibility of

All this adds up to Killer Elite – something hardcore Statham fans will view as an indie mood piece that was probably written by a draft dodger.

In fact, it’s a fine slice of entertainment pizza with a top-line cast giving it their macho all. Except Yvonne, who tempers all the fury with her womanly wiles.

actually spewing fire.

Had you ever done it before?

I had. I did spew a little fire when I was a youth. In my youth, I very, very dumbly chugged gasoline and blew it into a torch – and then my head was on fire. And, it’s a weird thing when your head is on fire.

You tend to panic. And then, when panic sets in and you can’t get your face out, you run, which is the worst thing you can do. A friend of mine came over and put my face out. That saved my life.

Steve Nash

Music

News Flash ⊲ Taylor Swift is touring in early-March.

Will you go? Hell no (all shows are sold out, anyway). Is she cuter than a puppy kissing a rainbow? Hell yes.

Who the F#%k Is… Lana Del Rey? The sultry indie rock siren has hipsters up in arms and our hearts skipping beats

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ho is she?

A ridiculously sexy siren who spent the latter half of 2011 burning up the interweb (check out her clip for “Video Games”).

With her debut, Born to Die (out now), she’s destined for total dominance. And her noirish sound is tailor-made for Victoria’s Secret ads or the soundtrack to Mad Men. Why should you care?

First of all, look at her. We can’t recall the last time a new artist oozed this much classic Hollywood sex appeal. But more important, all the cool kids will be talking about her soon. In 2011, no one divided indie-rock fans like Del Rey. Homegirl is quite the controversh figure!

Aussie bass merchants Kobra Kai share their best and worst road experiences...

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Scenes from a tour

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What’s the fuss all about?

Well, it was only a few short years ago that Lana Del Rey was Lizzie Grant, a young singer-songwriter struggling to make it on New York’s Lower East Side. And in a world where “authenticity” is more important than, you know, talent, that image makeover rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. Namely, hipsters who wear non-prescription specs with rectangular black frames.

So is she worth a listen?

Hell, yeah! Eff the hipsters and their authenticity. This is the best babymaking music since D’Angelo fell off the face of the Earth. If you’re trying for a kid, pick up her album.

Where did she come from?

Lizzie Grant comes from Lake Placid in upstate New York, but we’d like to imagine that Lana Del Rey grew up in a smoky New Orleans nightclub and travelled to the present from 1962.

What was your first live show like?

The first time for anything is always a nervewracking experience… unless we’re talking about sex. You would’ve probably been so drunk in your mate’s parents’ bedroom that you can’t remember anything! Nah, it was fun, man, and we knew there was an energy onstage from the word go.

What’s it like playing a debut album live for the first time?

It’s been mad! It’s great to see the crowd’s reaction to the tunes, and it’s always a good feeling when we’re playing in front of friends and fam.

What’s been your best touring experience?

The best one, for me, would be when we played

this party in Bellingen [on the Coffs Coast, NSW] and it was basically an all ages show.

Every kid was on God knows what and there were just thousands of people going mental listening to our music for the first time.

And your worst?

The worst would be when our booking agent basically booked us into a bikie club.

The only people who rocked up had less teeth than a one-yearold, and we didn’t actually end up playing the gig, as the venue manager

wanted to go home. Good times!

Which of your tracks gets the crowd pumping most?

I would have to say “Rollerball”, which was the first single off the album. A huge drum and bass tune that just completely slams when it drops.

Do you have any other tricks for firing up the AUDIENCE e.g. Throwing speed at them?

We find Ritalin works much better and is more easily accessible, as a lot of our friends are crazy ADD types.

What are three essential things you need on tour?

Smartphone/music player, alcohol, and patience.

In your experience, where are the friendliest girls?

From personal experience, Perth. However, from memory, Brisbane has been a highlight for others in the group.

Kobra Kai are currently recording their new album

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DVDs

News Flash ⊲ Warrior, a movie that mixes the brutality of MMA with the emotionality of estranged family dynamics, is out now. Spend a night in, tap out, and shed some tears.

Die hard Ross Kidder, star of DeadHeads, makes an honest living out of playing dead

W

hat’s behind people’s fascination with zombies?

I think it’s the idea of a tangible apocalypse.

It freaks people out because most apocalyptic scenarios are full of shit but there’s an ounce of possibility here – like, a virus that can turn people into flesh-eating monsters sounds like it could happen. And then there’s the whole: ‘Are you gonna go get your gun or allow yourself to get eaten?’ People do wonder how they’d respond in an apocalypse, which makes a movie like DeadHeads interesting.

It puts you inside the mind of the zombies, though, so there’s a twist.

There’s also a buddy element to it. If a zombie rocked up at your house and asked you to take him out for a night, what would that involve?

First, I’d make sure he had no interest in eating me. Then, obviously, I’d invite him inside. If he was coherent, I’d see if he was worth having a beer and hanging out with. If it all went well then I might see if he wanted to go on a road trip. It’s funny, because me

and Mike [Kellerman, co-star] didn’t know each other before filming. But we really hit it off – I recently got married and he was one of my groomsmen. It was like life imitating art.

Do you prefer playing a dead or living character? You do a good corpse, bro.

In every film I’ve worked on, I’ve been killed.

And for DeadHeads I was playing a dead guy. There is a bonus to playing a living character and that’s the death scene. It’s the most badarse thing you can do in acting.

It goes back to the theatre, man, with Romeo drinking the poison. If you can do a good death scene then you can do pretty much anything in film, so everyone’s always chasing a cool death scene.

Talk us through some of yours.

I’ve had my neck sliced, I’ve been in a car

accident, I drank poison. I’ve got my Masters in dying, dude.

And Brent, your DeadHeads character, dies from autoerotic asphyxiation.

Man, everyone’s got their sexual pleasures.

And he’s the first person you’d suspect of having a fetish of some sort. Unfortunately, he died from it.

If you could eat anyone’s brain, whose would it be?

You know what – and this is really bad and I’m not sure if I should say it – but it’d have to be Steve Jobs’ brain. Maybe it’s too soon but he was so brilliant. Wouldn’t you eat the brain of a genius? It makes sense, right?

Reckon you’d be able to escape intact if the zombies took over?

It’s weird but I’ve kinda thought about this.

I think I’d be OK. Me and my wife, we have family who have a little spot in the mountains about two hours out of the city. So our game plan is to get the guns, go to the mountains, and hide out there for as long as we can.

It’s our little apocalypse meeting spot. The biggest problem is getting out of the city, because if you jump in the car, you get stuck in traffic, so we’d have to go by bike.

You’ve got an advantage, too, in that you’re really good at playing dead.

Yeah! You know, we’d probably just end up doing stuff that we’ve seen in movies and testing out whether it would work. I’d try out stuff I’d seen it The Walking Dead, like covering myself in entrails.

Daniel Steiner

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Reviews The Thing You can just imagine how they came up with the title: “OK, what’s the creature called?” “Uh… it’s, like, a… thing?” “That’s fantastic! Cocaine?”

Anyway, this remake/prequel to the 1982 flick is about a noun-less alien that offs scientists at an Antarctic research base and then imitates them, so as to off more hapless fools. For fans of jump-scares and gross death scenes.

DV DO MOTHE F NT H

Game of Thrones Reasons to watch this show: 1) Peter Dinklage, the pre-eminent dwarf actor of our time.

2) It’s HBO, so sex and violence are a gratuitous given. With the medieval fantasy backdrop, it resembles the adult version of LOTR. 3) Even if fantasy doesn’t float your viewing boat, the story and characters are at least 5,000 times more engaging than Rescue: Special Ops.

Contagion So there’s this virus, right? And it threatens to take down the human race, one coughing, feverish person at a time. Oh, and do you know who’s responsible for infecting the world?

Gwyneth motherf—kin’ Paltrow. Don’t let her put you off, though – she dies early on and this turns into a nifty little horror movie where the monster takes the form of a freaky flu.

Drive An adaptation of the Nollsy track of the same name this is not (it’s adapted from the novel by James Sallis). If you’re after driving, check out Fast and Furious Five. If you’ve after dialogue, check out Juno (you hipster douche). What you’ve got here is a stylish dramatic vehicle where Ryan Gosling plays a strong, silent type who dispatches his foes with gory glee.

The Killing Who killed Rosie Larsen? It’s a good question, and over 13 eps, you think the two detectives on the case have the heinous homicide licked numerous times. Not so. Adapted from a Danish show, this series can be slower than a snail that was dropped on its head as an infant at times, but has enough sinister twists to keep you hooked. Season Two airs here later in the year.

Family Guy: Season 11 Everyone’s favourite animated TV family (assuming the Simpsons aren’t your favourite one) gets up to another season’s worth of vulgar and morally questionable tomfoolery.

Cases in point: Meg falls for an Amish guy, Brian takes ‘shrooms, Quagmire starts dating Meg (it’s OK, she’s 18. But still, ew.), and Ryan Reynolds plays his “gay” self.

In Time Always first to the finish line? You’re gonna love the future, then, because, according to In Time, most of us only live to 26, so there’s no time for lengthy sex. Justin Timberlake looks to end this whole time-managed existence shit by waging war on wealthy mofos. Or something. Here’s a drinking game that’ll put you in hospital: do a shot whenever someone says, “time”.

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TV Undead man walking

A tr t o zom th ibut the bie e fin e sm dra est The all s ma Wa cre on Dea lkin en: d g

Star Jon Bernthal talks blades and simulated boning The show airs here this month and it’s as bloody as a, um, zombie apocalypse. As one of the chief corpse-killers, you cop a lot of spatter. What does zombie blood taste like?

It’s, like, corn syrup-type stuff.

Do you guys have someone whose specialty is to make the blood?

Well, there’s a guy named Greg Nicotero, who’s just a f—kin’ genius. He’s the best in the business. He does all big movies and shit and, like, what’s cool to me is that, really, it’s become art – and it’s beautiful. That being said, call me a douchebag method actor, but I f—king hate zombies.

I hate them. I hunt them all day, I’m being chased by them, and I’m chasing them. So when I go to press or publicity events and there’s dudes paid to be zombies for the day and they come creepin’, I’m like, “Hey man, just stay away from me, alright?”

I get totally method on them.

The show has received a shittonne of critical acclaim, and

Punters weren’t impresed when the odds-on favourite finished last

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from what we’ve seen of Season Two, there’s a whole lot more gore than in the first season.

It’s like the greater the praise, the more you can push the boundaries.

As far as violence and gore’s concerned, there’s no holds barred. You can show literally whatever you want. You can have little girls getting their heads blown off, you can get people getting stabbed in the eye, but when it comes to sex, like last year with the scene of Sarah Wayne Callies and I in the woods, they’re so strict about not showing any nipple or arse crack. And the most important thing is that you can simulate sex but you’re not allowed to thrust with your hips.

Do continue…

I had just met her for the first time. So the first scene is in the woods and, again, not to be all method, but I

don’t know how to turn my hips off and I just had producers and directors screaming at me in the middle of the scene: “No thrusting! No thrusting!”

No thrusting?

No thrusting. And it is hard to just turn off the thrusting thing because you’re trying to get into it and you’re body wants a response, so to try and turn off your hips in that moment is a very hard thing to do.

Do you personally prefer slow zombies or fast zombies?

The closer they get to food, they faster they get. But I think slow zombies are way creepier.

Not to sound like a douche-y film critic but I think that zombies have always sort of served as a metaphor for whatever sort of plight is ailing society at the time.

Whether it’s racial injustice or the nuclear holocaust or a natural disaster.

So zombies are a slow-moving,

Creator Robert Kirkman on his show’s bloody beginnings

Walk this way

You created both the comic book and the show.

Why is the zombie epic better on TV than on the big screen?

The idea’s always been that this is the zombie movie that never ends.

To turn it into a zombie movie that actually ends would be the definition of selling out.

all-encompassing, ever-present threat, and I think that for it to be slow and creeping and always there is so much scarier and daunting than one that just sort of runs at you.

How do you think you’d handle yourself in a real

You’ve said Frank Darabont really “got it”. What did you mean by that?

Other people would say, “We need more action.” Or, “What about superzombies?” Frank and I talked about how it’s a drama first and foremost – and when things get dull, a zombie pops out and eats somebody. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have

zombie apocalypse?

Man, I don’t know. I feel like I’d do alright. And I think the show has prepared me for it a little bit.

something I did adapted into something that sucks.

Do you have any dream guest stars?

I’d love to have Simon Pegg and [comedian] Patton Oswalt – both amazing actors and fans. Or Leonardo DiCaprio and Daniel DayLewis. We probably won’t get them, but it’d be pretty neat.

So do we get to see some really creative ways of offing zombies?

Yeah. What’s really cool is that in the first episode of the second season they find this set of knives and there’s, like, hatchets, machetes, axes. That really comes in handy as far as decapitating and eye-stabbing and brain-puncturing.

It’s good training.

Yeah, right? But the one thing I know is that as soon as I started seeing those weird stories on the news about an outbreak here and an outbreak there, I would hightail Your character lives a lot longer it and get to some place safe. I than in the comic books. When would definitely not wait around. you went into the show did you think you were going to In the show, the survivors have die sooner? guns but can’t always use them Well, you know how it since they make too much noise is. You get a gig and attract more “walkers”. like this that’s so awesome and you’re working with [The

Shawshank Redemption director and the show’s executive producer] Frank Darabont and it’s [US cable channel] AMC and it’s just this show that you love so much. Then you go to the source material and realise that you bite it on, like, the third page. So that was a very daunting thing. But they decided to keep me around and I’m super-grateful for it.

Wikipedia says that you’re kinda related to Olympic gold medallist and former WWE wrestler Kurt Angle.

My blood cousin is Adam Schlesinger from Fountains of Wayne, but Kurt is my wife’s uncle.

We hope to see you employ an ankle lock on the show.

Finally, are you traumatised from being surrounded by the undead all the time?

You know, man, I hate them.

I hate zombies.

Seth Porges

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Games Sony strikes back With the disappointing PSP on its deathbed and the 3DS selling well, what’s a Japanese megaconglomerate to do? Introducing the Vita Snack attack: Not to be confused with the wheat cracker best enjoyed with Vegemite, the PlayStation Vita is the latest gen of handheld from gaming gods Sony. It is the follow-up to the PSP and its many variants (such as the disastrous PSP Go), featuring cutting edge tech, some futuristic design concepts, and more bells and whistles than a bell and whistle exhibition at the Louvre.

Highly evolved: Sony has heeded all PSP-related complaints (that must’ve taken a while) and addressed them with the Vita. Most notably, it has two analogue sticks as opposed to one, making the Vita shooter and adventure game friendly.

The horrid UMD disc format has also been scrapped in favour of memory card-like cartridges. This fixes the huge loading issues of the PSP and makes it a lot easier to store games.

Unleash the power: Much like us after a meal at an Indian-Mexican fusion restaurant, the Vita’s guts have some serious power.

In fact, the visuals on display rival those of early PS3 games – and they will only improve with time. Getting nerdy about it, the specs are as follows: quad-core ARM Cortex-A9 MPCore processor, a quad-core graphics card, 512 MB of system RAM, and 128 MB of VRAM (more than the PS3!)

The Top 10 Launch Games Uncharted: Golden Abyss The PS3’s premier actionadventure series brings the entire experience to handheld gaming – then adds more control options.

Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 Old-school 2D fighter with a massive roster of iconic characters and flashy visuals.

F1 2011 The full F1 console ride makes it to the Vita, with all the drivers, courses, teams, and modes.

Rayman Origins Vibrant and cheeky 2D platformer that delivers challenge and nostalgia in equal measure.

FIFA Soccer The best handheld iteration of the beloved soccer franchise yet, losing next to nothing in the transfer.

Army Corps of Hell Unique strategy title in the vein of Overlord, where you order minions to defeat evils in hell.

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More than a game: In addition to playing new Vita games, downloadable PSN games, and even old PSP games (you can get them converted to the new format), the Vita can play your audio, video, and photo files. Apps such as Facebook, Twitter, Skype, and so forth are also supported.

2 Sonys, 1 Sync: You can exchange data and downloadable games between the the PSP and PS3 via Bluetooth, and some games allow for multiplayer experiences on both formats. The Vita can also double as a PS3 controller.

Our Verdict: With its strong launch line-up, extremely diverse functionality, innovative controls, and cross-platform compatibility with the PS3, the Vita ticks every box. Even the price is reasonable, given the relative power on-hand.

When can I own one?

From February 23. More than 20 games will be available upon its release.

Price check? There are two models available: The Wi-Fi-only version has an RRP of $349. The $449 Wi-Fi and 3G ready option won’t be stocked everywhere, though.

Lumines: Electronic Symphony A special kinda puzzle game that mixes Tetris-style block piling with beat making.

Wipeout 2048 A futuristic racer with epileptic visuals and more speed than Speedy Gonzales on speed.

Virtua Tennis 4: World Tour Edition The upskirts might not be as good, but it still plays and looks like the real thing.

WORDS: CHRIS STEAD

Control freak: The standard PS controls (triggers, face buttons, dual sticks) are a little oddly placed and take a bit of getting use to, but they’re certainly responsive. There’s a touchscreen on the front and a touchpad on the back – the latter a unique concept for getting your last six fingers involved in the action.

Cameras front and back mean head tracking, face detection, and augmented reality. A mic allows for voice control, and a the full motionbased system is gifted by a three-axis gyroscope and three-axis accelerometer.

Nerd-boner achieved!

Modnation Racers: Road Trip Mario Kart-like racer than separates itself by allowing you to build and swap tracks.

News Blasts

REVIEWS

The Syndicate reboot banned in Australia because of graphic postmortem dismemberment.

SSX

Mass Effect 3

Format: PS3, 360.

Long Story Short: With the help of NASA satellites, EA has managed to accurately map 27 mountains from across the globe, which they’ve then spruced up with ramps, fictional buildings, rails galore, avalanches, huge cliff drops, and more. The distinct OTT move system returns and the game is more open than previous instalments, with choppers able to drop you anywhere, so you can explore for fun pockets of powder or coast to any of the hundreds of events. Online stat-tracking means your scores are constantly updated and ranked against your friends’.

Out: March 2.

Format: PS3, 360, PC. Long Story Short: The RPG of this generation is readying for a climax that would outshine a porn star with pyrotechnics-enabled genitalia. Commander Shepard must save the galaxy by uniting the races as the Reapers launch their final attack on life as we know it.

Developer BioWare have further refined the combat and even provided a game mode that is purely action-oriented. A new co-op multiplayer mode joins the fray, as does Kinect support for issuing vocal commands to your squadmates. A genuine game-ofthe-year contender.

Out: March 8.

Ridge Racer: Unbounded Format: PS3, 360, PC. Long Story Short: Screeching away from the linear old-school gameplay of its past, Unbounded drifts into territory previously occupied by games like Split/Second and Burnout. Gamers race through city streets with multiple routes, triggering shortcuts and environmental attacks, as well as trying to wreck opponents’ rides by ramming them into objects.

Spectacular crashes, environmental destruction, and even a city editor that lets you build your own tracks make this RR feel modern again.

Out: March 1.

Classic point-andclicker Myst coming to the 3DS lateMarch.

Rumour: the Wii U will have a fully featured App Store.

Tomb Raider developer Crystal Dynamics working on an all-new IP. God of War IV appears on a composer’s CV, fuelling rumours.

Mario and Zelda creator Miyamoto (finally) working on an all-new IP, too.

Ghost Recon: Future Solider delayed to May 24.

Max Payne 3 pushed back to May 18 on consoles and June 1 on PC.

Binary Domain Format: PS3, 360.

Long Story Short: Obviously we learnt nothing from Terminator. In Binary Domain’s story, robots are rife – and are now indistinguishable from normal humans. Then they decide it’s time to take over.

This futuristic thirdperson shooter separates itself with its squad dynamics: You need to manage your relationship with each member of your team – like not leaving them for dead to go off

Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Episode 2 announced for XBLA, iOS, WP7, and Android.

exploring for health – or they won’t back you up. Hey, karma’s a bitch. The explosive combat is buoyed by hilarious robot dismemberment animations, as well as sequences such as buildingsized boss battles and hovercraft escapes. Throwing a further spanner in the intriguing shooter’s robot narrative works is the persistent question of: Who in the game is actually human?

Blade Runner much?

Out: February 23.

Activision grabs BlackOps2.com, hinting at next game in series.

Resident Evil 6 announced – due November.

Strategy classic XCOM returning.

XCOM: Enemy Territory to be developed by Firaxis (Civilization).

Chinese man pays $US16,000 to secure a oneof-a-kind sword in MMORPG Age of Wulin.

Heroes in a half-shell

Turtle Beach’s range of headsets deliver rad sound via super comfortable, full-cup earpieces that will up your frag count considerably by giving you the audio drop on the direction of incoming bullets or footsteps. Plus, the attached microphone gives you the chance to rub in said victories with noob-slappin’ ease. At the recent CES event in Las Vegas, Turtle Beach announced two new headsets: the Ear Force XP400 and XP300. These wireless wonders introduce 2.4/5GHz dual-band technology to eradicate interference, as well as post-processing of Dolby Surround Sound. This allows for customisation of the angle that the six speakers in each cup face, so as to achieve individually accurate 360 degree surround sound. Epic.

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Tech

The Weird and Wonderful of CES 2012 The Consumer Electronics Show is to geeks what Sexpo is to no pants dance enthusiasts. This festival showcases the latest technological wizardry from the genius minds that dream up all sorts of cool shit, from space travel gadgets to… remote-controlled urinal cakes? The 2012 event in Las Vegas recently wrapped and, boy, is there plenty to talk about

WANT! Fujifilm X-Pro1 Why? Interchangeable lensenabled, minus the bulk.

What? Bridges the gap between compact point-and-clickers and bulkier DSLRs. It maintains Fuji’s retro aesthetic but has all the

image tweaking functionality of the more complex DSLRs. Its 16MP APS-C ‘X-Trans CMOS’ heart features a host of new filter innovations, too.

When? Due in March.

Nokia Lumia 900 Why? Windows Phone 7 needs a good handset to for its solid OS. What? The Lumia courted a lot of buzz at CES for its design.

Slim, sturdy, strong, and swift to respond (there’s a 1.4GHz processor inside). It features a rad camera (8MP Carl Zeiss lens with a F2.2 aperture and 28mm focal length) as well.

When? March, through Telstra.

Razer’s Project Fiona Why? Because tablets should look like TIE Fighters.

What? Ever wanted to play highend PC games like Modern Warfare 3 on the bus to work?

Project Fiona takes an ordinary tablet, affixes handles with

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traditional game controls to its sides, and then puts in the power (Windows 8, i7 core processor, sold state drive) to play full PC games – not just Apps. It also functions as a normal tablet, with a 10.3” touch screen.

When? When Fiona says so...

Samsung Series 9 PC Why? Because the iMac has been ruling the all-in-one computer space for too long.

What? A sleekly designed desktop PC that packs plenty of punch (Core i7 processor, 8GB of RAM, AMD Radeon HD 6730M GPU) minus the shinbanging, dust gathering, strange noise-making tower.

The screen – a 27” colossus –

LG 55EM9600 OLED TV Why? Because God needs a TV to watch, too.

What? This 55” beast is only 4mm thick and flat as Ryan Reynolds’ dreamy torso. xIt’s basically a window that can crisply display Boardwalk Empire on demand. LG have added a fourth pixel colour (white) to the standard Red,

has full HD resolution and 3D capabilities (glasses are said to ship with the system), while a built-in TV tuner and a gazillion ports give it multimedia flexibility.

When? These have just started to roll out in South Korea, so fingers-crossed we’ll see this puppy soon.

Green, Blue spectrum, which ratchets the brightness up considerably. All the modern features – Smart TV, 3D, social media streaming, motion-based remote control – are standard. Sexy. As. F–k.

When? Your eyes will have to wait until the second half of 2012 for this visual Viagra.

WTF? The Emperor 1510 Why? Because you want an office space that resembles the inside of a spaceship.

WTF? This is the workstation of the future. You sit back in the chair and have three screens worth of information in your face.

It reclines, has a built-in sound

Solowheel Why? Because wheels are in short supply.

WTF? Segways are sooooo 2011.

In 2012 only fools will coast city blocks and shopping centres on two wheels. And we pity those fools. This doohickie has fold out platforms on each side that you stand on, before it motors off down the road, as determined by your balance. You can get about 32km from the Lithium battery, but at a top speed of 16km/h, you’ll be hard pressed escaping the rocks people will be casting at your wanker arse. Once you reach your destination, it packs away like a briefcase. Of idiocy.

When? You can buy them right now, d-bag!

Nice Apps system, LED lights, and can be upgraded with touch-based controls. There is even a – wait for it – cup holder! Sure, using this as an all-in-one office sounds handy, but we envisage it more as a shit hot gaming station.

When? Order one in today.

⊳ Action Movie FX (iOS) ⊲

Life-Phorm Pro Why? Because your world is not creepy enough already.

WTF? Sure to scare the wits (and poo) out of any small children who may stumble across it, this Alien Facehugger-looking contraption is the ultimate companion piece to any nonfugly device. It’s capable of mounting tablets, smartphones, cameras, and more in the weirdest of places (hanging off the bottom of tables or from walls, for instance), while holding said contraption rock steady as you use it.

When? Available to pre-order now.

Board of Awesomeness Why? Because... it’s awesome?

WTF? Company Chaotic Moon have taken one of those “off-road” skateboards and empowered it with a Samsung Windows 8 Tablet, an electric motor, and a Microsoft Kinect device. Control it with motion gestures and your voice e.g. moving your hand forward causes the board to accelerate. Just don’t get the death wobbles or you’ll speed up like crazy. It can go 55km/h (and has no brakes), so the death wobbles will feel exactly like that.

When? A second prototype model is in the works now – hopefully available in 2012.

This amazeballs app adds Hollywood special effects, like explosions and missiles, to your recorded videos.

⊳ Run Roo Run (iOS) ⊲ From the developer behind the awesome Scribblenauts series comes this platform game about a mother kangaroo travelling from Perth to Sydney to rescue her Joey.

⊳ Nanostudio (iOS) ⊲ A music studio in your pocket, this gives you all the tools you need to mix some beats, including virtual analogue synths, sample trigger pads, a sequencer, a sample editor, a mixer, and multiple effects.

⊳ Lemon (Blackberry) ⊲ A virtual receipt organiser that ensures you’ll never lose an expense docket or piss off the tax man again.

Forward your digital receipts or take photos of paper ones and the software does the rest.

Behringer’s iNuke Boom Why? Because geek chicks judge you by the size of your dock.

WTF? Behold the iPod dock that rules them all. See that little thing in the middle? That’s an iPhone – everything else is pure speaker.

Around 2.5m wide, 1.2m tall, and

weighing in at over 300kg, this thing eats other docks for breakfast. And with 10,000W of audio might, there’s so much kick here it’s been identified as a key cause of continental drift. At $30,000, it’s not a bargain!

When? If you’re rich as hell, you can get one now.

⊳ Photoshop Touch (Android) ⊲ A stripped down version of the beloved photo editing software, but still extremely powerful.

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R a e D

Tools

The TV tradie peeks inside the MAXIM toolbox and gives his two cents’ worth

With Scotty Cam

Tradespro 200pce Tool Set Specs

Features

Scott says

♦ 84Pc 1” bits. ♦ 24Pc 1/4” sockets. ♦ 8Pc 3/8” Dr. sockets. ♦ 24Pc hex key wrenches. ♦ 33Pc 1” screwdriver bits. ♦ Plus ratchet, pliers, screwdrivers and other assorted tools.

Packaged in an opulent, cabinetstyle, blow-moulded case and presented in window form packaging, which can be later used to house the ring when you propose to your missus. But we all know it’s what’s on the inside that counts, and this is packing 200 pieces of practical hardware.

“These are great $99 to have in the workshop, to take camping, or even just to leave in the boot of the car for emergencies.

They are a useful all-round set for tackling the small jobs.”

Rover 159cc Easy Trim Xtra Lawn Mower SPECS ♦ 460cm steel base. ♦ Rover OHV 800 4-stroke engine; 159cc; 11Nm.

$399

Features

Scott says

Mowing: a couple of hours in the sun, followed by a couple of cold ones in the shade – and only the smell of freshly cut grass as company. Yes, the life of the mower is much like that of the samurai – it is one of Zen, and, like, cutting and stuff. Alright, it’s not similar to that of the Japanese slicerand-dicer but it is one of the better household chores going around.

“There’s nothing like doing the lawn yourself, and this is s great value mower for getting the job done. Keep it oiled, change the fuel every now and then, and keep it under cover.

If you look after it, it will outlast you!”

Kincrome 1200mm Steel Pegboard Specs

Features

Scott says

♦ 20 x plastic hooks. ♦ 3 x large round pegs. ♦ 3 x small round. ♦ 4 x small straight pegs. ♦ 2 x large straight pegs. ♦ 2 x large upright pegs. ♦ 3 x double prong pegs. ♦ 20 x steel hooks (one size). ♦ Individual panel size measurements: 400mm (L) x 600mm (H) x 20mm (W).

If you’ve been reading these pages over the past few months and have been inspired to stock up on tools, this might be a wise investment, too. It also raises the question as to why you pay so much attention to a page about tools when the magazine is bristling with scantily clad superhotties. Whatevs. The Kincrome is a handy addition to the shed.

“Losing your hand tools is pretty annoying but the pegboard is a great way to display them.

You’ll know where everything is and, most importantly, you’ll know if something $54.99 is missing.”

Stanley 10pce Screwdriver Set

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$39.99

Specs

Features

Scott says

♦ 60mm x #0 Phillips. ♦ 100mm x #1 Phillips. ♦ 45mm x #2 Phillips. ♦ 100mm x #2 Phillips. ♦ 150mm x #3 Phillips. ♦ 75mm x 3mm Std. ♦ 100mm x 5mm Std. ♦ 45mm x 6.5mm Std.

We know Stanley is a primo brand because they construct their tools from materials we’ve never heard of. Sure, we get what the Comfort/ Ease Of Use Cushion Grip Handles are, but how about the toolmaker’s trademark Blades-Chrome Vanadium W/Precision Profiled Magnetised Tips? Sounds obscurely great, guys!

“Every tool shed needs a set of screwdrivers – the tough part is hanging onto them. Stick them up on the wall and make sure they go back when you’re done. I must say, I’m guilty of losing a screwdriver or two.

These guys are very good quality, which is important, and they’ve got every Phillips and slot head covered.”

Woman with a tool

Jacking off

PHOTO: WAYNE DANIELS; STYLING: ELLIE WRIGHT

Well, well, well, look what we have here. It’s the delectable Jessica, standing in front of a Bailey ladder. But that’s not all we have in store for you today on Page 113 – more affectionately known as Woman with a Tool.

Our protective goggled goddess also happens to be rocking a Makita Jackhammer (it’s the HM1317C model, for those playing at home), which is capable of between 730 and 1,450 impacts per minute, has an overall length of 715mm, and weighs in at a solid 17kg (it’s OK, Jess can squat 100kg).

Besides the fact that owning a jackhammer is heaps cool – as is the case with most pieces of machinery that cost over a grand – the Makita has Anti-Vibration Technology, variable and constant speed control, and is adapted for hex drill bits. More importantly, it’s proficient at destroying stuff and makes plenty of noise.

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Addicted to Krakow MAXIM associate editor, Dan Steiner, boosted the Polish economy big time with his lengthy stint at a local strip joint. Quite an effort, considering he only spent one day in the country

D

id you know that Poland has 271 McDonald’s restaurants? (Australia has 780.) The one inside Galeria, Krakow’s super-heated mega-mall, does a good breakfast. Sadly, the Scratch’n’Win promotional cards suck, hence why I shan’t be returning in June for the UEFA Euro 2012 soccer tournament.

Another thing you should know is that the winters are cold. This one isn’t so bad. In fact, it’s a sweltering four degrees, meaning no snow, but enough fog to satisfy Stephen King and a wind that cuts through you like a diamond-edged katana.

Some other important things I learnt via drunken conversation (it should be noted that most Poles speak proficient English, even when slurring, so my Survivalphrases.com Polish podcast was listened to largely in vain) include: People in Krakow don’t like people from Warsaw, the capital. There’s no real reason, it’s just like how everyone in Australia hates on Canberra and Adelaide.

Musical tastes are similar to Australia, with Adele, LMFAO, Pitbull, Flo Rida, and David Guetta owning the charts. One artist we

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don’t have over here is Marina (pictured), who sounds like a Ke$ha/ Rihanna/Britney hybrid, and who looks like… well, let’s just say I’d gladly be reincarnated as a bedpan if it meant I got to take her on a date. Check out “Electric Bass” on YouTube.

The national hero is, according to Jakub, who is wasted in at the time of answering, Mariusz Pudzianowski, five-time winner of the World’s Strongest Man competition (a world record) and a bloke so talented, Jakub believes he could switch careers and become a revered painter. In reality, given the devout nature of the country, it’s probably safe to say the real national hero is Pope John Paul II.

Every uni-age person studies international relations. It makes for a great icebreaker e.g. “International relations, huh? Well, how about we put the theory into practice.”

It doesn’t, however, make for great conversation, since nobody seems to know what they want to do with the degree.

Besides bail from Poland – lovely place that it is – and start earning.

10AM It’s a still, foggy morning as we leave Krakow’s Main Market Square for Auschwitz and Birkenau, a 90-minute drive out of town. I won’t dwell on this part of the day, as there’s nothing nice to say. Approximately 1.5 million Jews were exterminated at these two concentration camps. They are indescribably massive, eerie, and the tour guides certainly aren’t shy about explaining what happened here. After spending the best part of the day at “The Residence of Death”, we board the bus and head back.

On the ride home I read Night by Elie Wiesel, a survivor who documented his experiences over some 100 heavy pages.

It’s nasty and shocking (imagine actually being there) but if you want to know what went down behind the electric fences, read it.

5PM My cousin and I are largely silent as we walk back to the hotel. What is there to say, really? Since nothing jumps off until at least 11, we have a nap. At the risk of sounding like a Kardashian, choosing what to wear out is a juggling act: it’s heaps cold outside but once you enter a venue (they’re all well heated), have a few bevs, and get amongst the crowd, you’re a walking puddle – not an advantage if you’re trying to hook-up. I’d recommend going the T-shirt, jeans, heavy jacket, and scarf route. Cloak the jacket and scarf then commence party rocking.

10PM As a prelude to the party rocking, cuz and I head to C.K. Browar, which serves five-litre towers of beer. We opt for a tower of Tyskie because some bloke tells us the most popular drop, Żywiec [Ziv-ich], is shit.

Something else that’s shit is ordering a five-litre tower of beer between two people.

Krakow is a very affordable city – I think it was the equivalent of $15 for the tower – so

we weren’t upset at letting two litres of brew go to waste. You’re reading this going, “Oh, you un-Australian motherf—ker! What’s wrong with you?” The fact the beer goes warm extremely fast in the heated bar and goes flat even faster were key factors. So, unless, like every other table that ordered a tower, you’ve got a five-person crew to assist, chugging is futile.

11PM On the cusp of tipsy, we head next door for a kebab, which are mad popular in Krakow.

They like to throw in pickles, which I don’t really agree with, but, when in Krakow…

With dinner sorted, it’s time to take on Old Town’s main strip, Szewska. It is here we get accosted by stunning girls politely (everyone has exceptional manners) promoting the plethora of pumping bars and clubs. We accept their drink tickets, say we’ll be back later, do an “Oh, shit.

Can you believe how hot the chicks in Krakow are?!” double take, and walk on.

A stroll around the rest of Old Town garners more drink tickets and promo fliers for some strip clubs. Taboo stands out, namely because it promises “Girls for conversation”. I’m unsure what that means exactly but I love a good chinwag, so am keen to head there later. Oh, and the prospect of seeing Polish boobies does bear some influence as well.

MIDNIGHT A quick conference on where to go lands us back at Szewska. It is decided that Kamikaze Bar will be our starting point.

He’ll be anyone’s after two drinks

Honestly, I don’t think the joint is actually called Kamikaze Bar, but it does offer six Blue Kamikaze shooters (vodka + Blue Curacao liqueur) for less than five bucks.

We knock them back. And then some more.

And then I’m dancing on the bar. By the way, if you ever go here ask for Natalia – good conversationalist, very cute, and pours a great Captain Morgan and Pepsi (for some reason, Coke isn’t the go-to cola. Then again, perhaps it is – I was seldom sober).

The exchange of drinks and profanities puts us on the fast track to friendship with a group of local lads. To the dancefloor!

Perhaps the best thing about the DF, besides being surrounded by sweaty Polish women as Pitbull thumps in the background, is the array of TVs that play the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show on loop.

The five-litre beer tower comes with a five-star hangover

Useful Polish phrases I am the Devil: Jestem diabłem Beautiful woman: Piękna kobieta Beer, please: Piwa proszę Whore: Kurva [according to the strippers, this is an all-purpose curse word, like “F—k” – but don’t say it to people you don’t know, as it’s highly offensive]

The coffee here is explosive.

Sorry...

Cheers: Okrzyki

MAXIM.COM.AU 115

The annual Santa Clauses on Motorbikes Parade. Well, that’s what it appears to be

turns around, points to my crotch, and asks, “Are you shy?” Lady, I’m at the point of drunkenness where I think everyone wants to sneak a peek at my peen. And with that, my boxers and shyness are tossed aside.

2AM (LIKELY)

2:30AM (POSSIBLY) As the conservatism begins to bore me, a dazzling blonde walks over. Here are the facts: international relations student; insane body; likes champagne. We order champagne. I tell her that I’m trying to live large like Jay-Z tonight – that I’ve been

? F—K KNOWS (SORRY, TIME WAS FLYING) Auschwitz: A bleak reminder of Poland’s history

inspired by the Otis film clip. She knows the clip, and she knows exactly what to say: “Do you want to have a Jacuzzi?”

Umm… was Pope John Paul II Polish?!

F—k yeah, I want to have a Jacuzzi! She walks over to the bar and asks the manager to “prepare the Jacuzzi”, which kinda disgusts me, since it probably means “remove the remnants of the last douchebag’s overexcitedness”.

2:40AM (I’M JUST GUESSING) While my blonde friend is away, a brunette hops onto a podium to dance. With enthusiasm, I might add, which is ninetenths of the way to getting a tip if you’re a stripper. Now, I’m not normally one for girls with braces – and by girls I mean women, officer – but she’s just so pretty and flirty and giddy. I ask the blonde if the brunette is a friend of hers. Yes. With the utmost swagger, I ask if she’d like to invite her friend to join us in the Jacuzzi. She walks over and returns with the brunette.

I summon more bubbly. Poppin’ bottles!

Champagne showers! Make it rain! Yes, I’m spouting all kinds of shit, and just in time for our Jacuzzi date.

3AM (GOOD MATCHBOX 20 SONG) Besides the big tub, the only things in the room are a wall-mounted TV and a bench to rest your clothes. I order more champagne.

The girls take their clothes off. I strip down to my boxers. As they climb in the brunette

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I can understand how you’d feel cheated if I told you the remainder of the night is just a series of ‘Scene Missing’ placards in my mind. Trust me, I want to remember it more than you want to read it. Suffice to say, here is what little I do recall: Lengthy massages.

There was enough champagne purchased to cater a wedding. And, yes, at one point the girls may have poured it over each other.

My companions were, as promised, really good conversationalists. Topics covered include: politics, the differences between Australian and Polish women, the merits of Adele and LMFAO, respectively, Jay-Z’s greatness, the nature of stripping and exhibitionism, how good champagne is.

Watching local music channel Viva and doing karaoke. My moving rendition of “Set Fire to the Rain” was a clear highlight.

Getting up to go to the toilet, slipping on the tiles, and slamming my head into the floor.

Being told, upon leaving at 8:30am the next morning (by my estimation, I was there for six hours or so), that I was “the best customer ever!” and that I “please come back”.

THE NEXT ARVO… To conclude, here’s one thing I most certainly remember and most certainly won’t forget: when I wake the next day, I find the receipts from my Jay-Z evening at Taboo. The total? Fifteen thousand Zloty, or $4,182. Or, just under four months’ salary in Poland. And that, my friends, is how you become “the best customer ever!” at a Krakow strip club.

GO TO PAGE 118

TO CHECK OUT THE SUPER HOT POLISH MODEL Sara Faraj

PHOTOS: DANIEL STEINER, JASON FONG

The myriad charms of Kamikaze Bar aren’t enough to keep me from breaking with the group in search of Taboo. I walk in and… it’s a strip club. Décor-wise, it’s a pretty ordinary. Then again, what’s that they say about a guy who judges a strip club by its décor? Oh, that’s right, he’s a f—khead.

The physical décor is a sight to behold.

Unfortunately, you won’t be beholding it on these pages, as photos are a no-no. I got a finger wagging for taking a couple of snaps, mainly because the girls, who are somewhat conservative (I don’t get it, either), aren’t keen for their photos to be plastered all over the web.

Anyway, back to Taboo, where things are looking a little grim. The audience – fat, middle-aged guys, aka any strip club audience anywhere in the world – look like they’d rather be at home with their wives.

Fair enough, too, since the dancers tend to keep their undies on and not really work the poles much (note to self: Poles Working Poles – potential strip club business idea).

Woman W rld OF THE

A sexy actress with a rebellious streak who is smart enough to b e a j u d g e? Ye p , S a r a i s j u s t a n o t h e r r e a s o n t o l o v e Po l a n d

118 MAXIM.COM.AU

MAXIM.COM.AU 119

Woman W rld OF THE

ccording to our mates at MAXIM Poland, men over there only watch TV just to catch a glimpse of you.

I don’t think it’s like that! There have been many beautiful actresses in productions that I’ve taken part in.

Modest much? Do you plan on starring in movies in the future?

Certainly! I love working on movie sets and now I want to try to do even more.

What if acting doesn’t work out?

I’ve got nothing to lose, because I study psychology at the University of Warsaw and now I’m considering doing a judicial major.

“

I ’ v e w o r k e d i n Lo n d o n , Pa r i s , H a m b u r g , a n d M i a m i .

I love what I’m doing and they pay me for it!

”

For serious?

Absolutely. I love studying psychopaths and murderers. I’m really interested in reading about things like the study of the mind, psychological traits, multiple personalities. I often set aside hours to devour psychological thrillers.

Sounds pretty scary.

Don’t worry, I couldn’t work with psychopaths.

That’s the reason I’ll probably choose advertising psychology over anything else.

That sounds a little less scary. Word is you got up to mischief when you were in high school. Is that true, Sara?

Not exactly. I was 15 years old when I moved to Warsaw. I was alone, with no family, and had been living in a nun’s dormitory that was part of a private female high school for three years. It was really hard for me because there were very strict conditions – lots of classes and prayers everyday.

The curfew was 10pm, with absolutely no chance to go out. But I would be up at that time, going to castings. Look, I’ve got a rebellious nature!

Is being a rebellious character a positive or negative in your industry?

There were times I wanted to give up. The worst was after the Supermodels programme [from what we can tell, it’s similar to Next Top Model].

I was told I was too fat, too short, and had feminine shapes, which was bad.

We certainly don’t have any criticisms.

All of a sudden my “defects” stopped embarrassing modeling agencies. I just needed to accept the way I am. I’ve worked in London, Paris, Hamburg, and Miami. I love what I’m doing and they pay me for it!

Artur Szklarczyk

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PHOTOS: DANIEL CHOJNACKI

You’re kidding, right?

Absolutely not! In addition to that, I was told I should lose 10 kilos. I took a one-year break and I completely changed my attitude. I’ve decided to advertise underwear and swimwear.

MAXIM.COM.AU 121

Woman W rld OF THE

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“

I often set aside hours to devour psychological thrillers.

” MAXIM.COM.AU 123

Four play

We’ve got a quartet of looks to sort you out for the year ahead

G-Star knit jumper, $170

Levi’s jacket, $199.95

Electric Castro cap, $24.95 Politix trooper shirt, $129

Jimmy Taverniti cargo pants, $220 @ ShopThirteen

Y R A T L MI Bonds zip jumper, $69.95

Viparo leather jacket with shearling collar, $289.95

Elwood military jacket, $189.99

Creative Recreation shoes, $139.94

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Oakley reversible hoodie, $79.95

Elwood combat pants, $99.99

Quiksilver flannie, $59.99 Converse check trainers, $100

Fred Perry chinos, $160

K C A J R E B M U

Elwood hoodie, $89.99

L

Nautica flannie, $109.95

Republic leather belt, $59.95

DC Shoes trainers, $139.95

Mossimo puffer vest, $59.95

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Vanguard hoodie, $169.95

Mr Carter chunky knit, $200 Levis cardi, $99.95

G-Star beanie, $80

G-Star knit gloves, $110

Campaign v-neck knit, $59

S R E K C I P T I KN Electric beanie, $24.99

Autonomy chunky knit cardi, $159

John Smedley cardigan, $495

Vanguard knit scarf, $29.95

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Bonds trackies, $59.95

Viparo varsity jacket, $179.95

Canterbury rugby jersey, $99.95 The Academy Brand Squire Shirt, $79.95

Elwood varsity jacket, $199.99

Graz specs, $305

FASHION: LIVIA TASSANYI; PHOTOS: JASON Mccormack

Boxfresh knit, $99

Y P P E PR

John Smedley knit, $295

AM Eyewear specs, $289

Sperry boat shoes, $90

MAXIM.COM.AU 127

Fresh Scents Gucci Guilty Bvlgari man, the Intense Pour Silver Limited Homme, $103 Edition, $132 The only thing Woody, masculine, you’ll be guilty and fresh – just of when wearing like that erotic this is multiple film you watched paternity lawsuits that one time about (lesson: always lumberjacks who use protection). moonlit as male It’s an aphrodisiac strippers. So… yeah… it’s really good in a chic bottle, with orange flower, and chicks love the patchouli, amber, smell and stuff. and leather notes cranking the panty drop factor.

Azzaro Duo Men, $49 Green, woody, and citrusy – sounds pretty macho, huh? It actually translates to a fresh and not-toofruity aromatic dynamic duo.

Boss in Motion Made for Summer, $99 The “energising scent” is akin to mint leaves blended with rainforest after the summer rain.

We outsourced that sentence to a 40-something guy who writes romance novels in his cellar.

We were gonna call this ‘Scent of a Man’ but, really, would you have read past that?

Attimo Pour Homme by Salvatore Ferragamo, $95 One for the Lambo-driving, G6-flying, multiple-modeldivorcing playboy.

Not you? Well, spray this on and dare to dream with the spicy-citrus notes, peppered with patchouli and vetiver.

Juicy Couture Dirty English Juicy Couture for Men, $120 The name’s enough to get us to buy it, but if the thought of a randy, foulmouthed British wench hasn’t sold you, the sexy smell of peppered mandarin mixed with black leather, ebony wood, and amber musk just might. What, you’ve never brought the peppered mandarin out during foreplay?

WORDS: SHONAGH WALKER; photos: luke shaddock

Jean Paul Gaultier Le Male limited edition, $139 Anything that comes in a container shaped like a hip flask shaped has us reaching for our hard earned.

Smells like a nostril’s wet dream, too.

L’Eau d’Issey pour Homme Sport, $131 Our grooming editor sheepishly admitted this is the one scent that makes her go weak at the knees. Now the knee-weakening factor has been raised to critical, with the addition of citrus and nutmeg notes.

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ADIZERO CRAZY LIGHT BASKETBALL SHOE $180.00 (As worn by Chicago Bulls 2011 NBA MVP Derrick Rose) footlocker.com.au

MAXIM10

shoes + sunnies = steady stylin’

RAY BAN ORIGINAL WAYFARER $201 www.visiondirect.com.au

THE ORBIT $199.95 (AUS); $219.95 (NZ) www.dragonalliance.com.au GUCCI GG1622SD28 $169.95 www.visiondirect.com.au

SKECHERS BOBS CANOVA $69.95 For every pair sold, Skechers donates a pair of shoes to a child in need.

PH: 1800 655 154 REEBOK REALFLEX $150 (AUS); $160 (NZ) PH: 1300 364 964

CARRERA CHAMPION DL5 JJ $108.95 www.visiondirect.com.au

TEVA THE LINKS $189.95 PH: 02 8306 3332

CAMPER VOLVO OCEAN RACE WATER RUNNER $250 www.camper.com

STOCKISTS

www.academybrand.com ♦ AM Eyewear: 02 9357 4550 ♦ Autonomy: 03 9415 7885 ♦ Bonds: www.bonds. com.au ♦ Boxfresh: www.nickauditorerepresents.com ♦ Campaign: www.campaignhomme.com ♦ Canterbury: 1300 551 133 ♦ Converse: www.converse.net.au ♦ Creative Recreation: www.nickauditorerepresents.com ♦ DC Shoes: www.dcshoes.com.au ♦ Electric: 02 6680 7955 ♦ Elwood: 03 9514 3200 ♦ Fred Perry: 03 8506 1603 ♦ Graz Eyewear: www.grazmulcahy.com ♦ G-Star: www.g-star.com ♦ John Smedley: 03 9544 2122 ♦ Levi’s: 1800 625 603 ♦ Mossimo: 1800 132 780 ♦ Mr Carter: www.mrcarter.com.au ♦ Nautica: 02 8306 3333 ♦ Oakley: www.oakley.com.au ♦ Politix: www.politix.com.au ♦ Quiksilver: www.quiksilver.com.au ♦ Republic: 03 9822 9888 ♦ Shop Thirteen: www.shopthirteen.com.au ♦ Sperry: 03 8878 3000 ♦ Vanguard: www.vanguardfashion.com.au ♦ Viparo: www.viparo.com.au

MAUI JIM PEAHI $295 www.visiondirect.com.au MAXIM.COM.AU 129

24

HOURVSE TO LI

Seth Green So, how do you want to go?

Either peacefully, surrounded by loved ones, or flung from a massive slingshot into a helicopter.

Do you have any deathbed confessions?

I probably shouldn’t say this till I’m dead, but I coined the phrase “cha-ching.”

Will you be going to Heaven or Hell?

If I understand the rules correctly, probably Hell. Although I’ve lived morally and ethically as an adult, my youth was spent spinning in an angst-fuelled rage.

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Your character in Mars Needs Moms gets annoyed with all the chores he’s given by his mum. What chore would you least like to be stuck with in Hell?

Managing contracts in a law office.

first to spit on your grave?

Who knows? I may put a spittoon on my headstone so people have a fun place to aim.

My wife. I’d miss her too much to spend that much time away. Though if she started getting on with dating, I’d probably have to split.

What song plays as you die?

Tay Zonday’s “Chocolate Rain.”

It sums up my life’s mission.

As Scott Evil in the Austin Powers movies, your dad said you weren’t evil enough. Got any real-life vices?

I live the hell out of life.

Mars is one of a tonne of animated projects you’ve lent your voice to.

Which character would you least want to be reincarnated as?

The magic unicorn bears a heavy burden.

What’s your last meal?

Either authentic penne arrabiata or an In-N-Out double-double with fries.

On Robot Chicken you mock and parody heaps of pop culture figures.

Which of them do you think will be the

If you could come back and spy on someone who’s still alive, who would it be and why?

What would Family Guy’s Chris Griffin say at your funeral?

“I’m sorry, who are we burying?”

Got any last words?

San Dimas High School football rules!

Illustration by TIM MARRS

THE MULTI-TALENTED FAMILY GUY STAR BREAKS DOWN HIS LAST DAY ON EARTH