Nubian Message, Feb. 14, 2019 — An {Alternative} V-Day Issue

NUBIANMESSAGE NORTH CAROLINA STATE UNIVERSITY | RALEIGH, NC | THENUBIANMESSAGE.COM | THURSDAY, february 14, 2019

an {alternative} v-day issue

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Letter from the editor Hey y’all!

This probably isn’t what you were expecting from a Valentine’s Day issue.

We did include some tips on how to celebrate Valentine’s Day on a budget, but most of this issue isn’t dedicated to love, relationships, cuffing season or anything of the sort.

Instead, we chose to talk about loneliness, critique colorism in black rom-coms, and explore how more people are opening up about their struggles with infertility. This issue is dedicated to everyone who’s ever felt excluded from mainstream celebrations of romance and people who just don’t plain care.

THISISSUE 3

LONELINESS ON V-DAY

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DATING WHILE BLACK

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V-DAY ON CAMPUS

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THE TALK ABOUT INFERTILITY

No Chocolates? No Problem.

The struggle with online dating and racism.

Ways you can spend Valentine’s Day while on a budget.

A Q&A with Dr. Kami Kosenko.

cover photo illustration BY Minh pham/Nubian Message

This issue’s quote is by Ntozake Shange:

The staff of Nubian Message.

“I found God in myself, and I loved her, I loved her fiercely.”

Whether you are single, dating or locked down, I hope you get to spend Valentine’s Day (and really, every day) with the people you love. But more importantly, I hope you grow in love for yourself.

The Sentinel of the African-American Community at N.C. State Since 1992.

I am because we are,

314 Witherspoon Student Center, NCSU Campus Box 7318, Raleigh, NC 27695

Keilah

office 919-515-1468 advertising 919-515-2411 online thenubianmessage.com

Keilah Davis

Editor-in-Chief

nubian-editor@ncsu.edu Kennysha Woods

Managing editor

nubian-managingeditor@ncsu.edu Elikem Dodor Ugonna Ezuma-Igwe Layout designers

Mersina Boynton

general manager

media-sales@ncsu.edu

Only with the permission of our elders do we proudly produce each edition of Nubian Message: Dr. Yosef ben-Yochannan, Dr. John Henrik Clark, Dr. Leonard Jeffries, The Black Panther Party, Mumia A. Jamal, Geronimo Pratt, Tony Williamson, Dr. Lawrence Clark, Dr. Augustus McIver Witherspoon, Dr. Wandra P. Hill, Mr. Kyran Anderson, Dr. Lathan Turner, Dr. M. Iyailu Moses, Dokta Toni Thorpe and all those who accompany us as we are still on the journey to true consciousness.

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opinion

For the Loners on V-Day: Life is More than Love That recurring nightmare of isolation has at some point found home and haven in the reality of most college students.

When you are surrounded by thousands of people who you share studenthood with, it almost feels like an obligation to not be alone.

Brandon Loyd Human connection is happening all around us, and our own fears Correspondent about being alone can turn our state of being alone, into loneliness.

And on a day like Valentine’s Day, when you feel like you can’t escape PDA, the color pink and every other physical embodiment of love, being single makes you feel like you’re missing out.

And even if you know that Valentine’s Day, and every other corporate entity that pushes the public to find a significant other, is part of a capitalistic scheme to make us spend more money, it doesn’t make you feel any less lonely when your sis’s man surprise gifts her with a full church choir singing “You Give Good Love” by Whitney Houston, releases doves in the name of their love and gives her 64-count box of

assorted chocolates.

Sixty. Four.

And there you are in the corner of the snap she recorded. Pissed.

And it’s not like it’s easy to not be sometimes. Bitterness is a cycle. Whether that’s directed at your own love life or the love life of others, it can be a huge part of loneliness. It can make you resent love itself. Push away from others enthralled in their own romance.

It’s an erupting pressure put on us by society that we sometimes find ourselves crushed by. Sometimes we find ourselves pushing so hard for love that we feel humiliated, guilty, desperate and regretful. Sometimes we find ourselves making piss poor decisions for the sake of connectivity. Because who doesn’t want a box of 64 assorted chocolates?

Let’s face it, it’s validating to be cared for. But the lack of romance doesn’t make us alone.

There is no absence when we do not have a significant other, because with or without love, we are still our fully capable human selves. Single people aren’t single people, coupled people aren’t coupled people.

They are people.

Sometimes, we allow our rage for the machine of

romance to drive us into a corner and make us choose between alone and alone-and-looking. But in all honesty, we can just be.

We can just float through life and make the decisions we want to make, based on what we want to do.

We don’t have to hate love for the sake of hating love or hate ourselves for the sake of not having it. We should treat romance and sex more like pizza actually.

If we want it, we get it. If we don’t, we don’t.

If we want some but can’t get it, it’s fine too; pizza doesn’t have that much nutritional value anyway.

If we happen to step into someone’s office party by accident and they are willing to share the four large pizzas with assorted toppings they bought, then go ham (but not pineapple).

If you don’t want any, say no.

Being lonely can suck, but find the human connectivity you crave through friends, artistic adventures and family. Go shake (or catch) some yams at a party.

Life isn’t about romance. Life ain’t about pizza.

Life is about you doing what you want, because you want to, because we should be the center of our own universe. Period.

Being the right color For years, African Americans have struggled with finding sufficient representation in the media. We’ve spent so long fighting that whenever we do have a moment when a TV show or film Jalen rose has a primarily black cast, we celebrate. We tend to Staff Writer become so captivated by our sense of representation that we don’t realize how poorly represented black people still are.

When I say this, I don’t mean all black people. Black people of a lighter shade rarely find trouble being casted in major roles of films and TV shows. However, dark-skinned actors, especially women, have much more difficulty when it comes to being cast in similar roles.

Hollywood’s preference for light-skinned people isn’t new. It can be tracked over the

years by simply observing the people who have been cast in black romance movies and TV shows. Once you start to look for it, colorism is a very easy thing to find.

One famous instance of colorism can be observed through the TV show, “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” The character Aunt Viv was originally portrayed by Janet Hubert, a dark-skinned woman, and was later replaced by Daphne Maxwell Reid, a lightskinned woman. The reasoning for Hubert’s departure isn’t reflective of the mistreatment many dark-skinned women face, but the choice in who they replaced her with is.

At the time, it was already difficult enough for darker women to find roles in the media.

Replacing the actress for a role originally portrayed by a dark-skinned woman with a lighter woman is problematic. Odds are, Daphne Maxwell Reid would have been more likely to find another job on TV as opposed to a darker woman who could have become the new Aunt Viv.

TV isn’t the only outlet where colorism can be observed. Classic black rom-coms such as “Jumping the Broom,” “Love and Basketball,” “Guess Who” and “Just Wright” all have light-skinned women playing the female lead and two of them are paired with darker men. Not only does this inaccurately represent an entire demographic of women, but it creates a damaging disparity between actresses that affects the livelihood of women with darker skin.

Light-skinned African Americans should recognize the privilege that comes with their complexion and actively work against colorism. Whether it be in media outlets such as TV and film, the work place, or any public/ private environments, it should be expected to speak out against the discrimination.

Colorism can even be observed on college campuses. It has been discovered that even classroom dynamics are affected by colorism and tend to lead to a person with darker skin performing worse than a person with

lighter skin.

One example of someone who uses their light-skin privilege to combat the effects of colorism is actress and singer Zendaya.

Zendaya actively speaks out against the discrimnation many darker-skinned women have to face that she herself has never faced.

She believes in creating a bigger space for darker women in the media whilst making sure she denies any opportunities that are favored for her.

Recently, our media has slowly been able to improve in the casting of darker-skinned women. “Black Panther” is an example of a film with a comfortable representation of dark-skinned women. The TV show “Insecure” tends to accurately represent a dark-skinned woman’s (Issa Rae) experience in America while showcasing other darkskinned actors and actresses.

Although we are improving, there’s still a long way to go.

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opinion

Dating While Black: How implicit racism made its way to online dating Since the dawn of Western civilization, white supremacy has influenced nearly every aspect of our society. One area in which white supremacy remains to be pervasive is in our perceptions of beauty within the western world.

Kevin Moye Eurocentric standards Staff Writer of beauty have been a hallmark of American society since the inception of our nation.

Even now, these standards are continuously perpetuated through the portrayal of beauty in the media. One of the key ways in which we get our standards of beauty, the acting industry, continues to be a white-dominated field. With the overrepresentation of white people in Hollywood, much of what we think is beautiful becomes centered on the archetypal white women in film.

These standards value European features, like lighter skin, straight hair, thin noses and lips and light colored eyes, which are heavily

associated with whiteness. Preference for these features can even be observed at an early age regardless of race, as evidenced by the infamous doll study by Kenneth and Mamie Clark in 1947.

Originally, segregation was thought to be responsible for black children preferring to play with white dolls or thinking they were better; however, the lack of change in the findings from the study from 1947 to now suggests that the way our society perceives beauty is to blame.

In online dating, this outlook is made abundantly clear to women of color, and particularly black women. A blog post by OKCupid in 2014 tracked the racial preferences of users of their app in a study they conducted. The results of the study confirmed that racial biases still play a massive role in online dating.

The study showed that black women and Asian men were the least desired groups, with black men not too far behind. White men were 18% less likely to interact with black women while white women were 12%

less likely to interact with Asian men.

The findings of OKCupid were corroborated by another study conducted by Cornell University. The researchers in this study discovered that college students are more likely to exclude blacks, and particularly black women, as possible dates.

The online dating scene can get even worse when accounting for the intersection of identities. LGBT people of color have a sizeable disadvantage in their already small dating pool because of the gay and bisexual community being even more likely to distinguish potential partners based on race than the straight community.

These ideals that we place on women can be particularly damaging for black women that may end up internalizing these European beauty standards. A black woman that is seeing that she receives much fewer matches than her white counterparts may begin to resent the beauty of her own unique features.

When not being dismissed because of the color of their skin, black women are often

fetishized by users for the same reason. This type of attraction is often based on harmful stereotypes surrounding black women, like being “thicc,” or much more pernicious stereotypes about them having hyper-sexual behavior.

Black women report receiving a number of messages that reference their race as the focal point of their match’s sexual conquest.

Accounts of various black women tend to result in similar jarring messages, like one Chicago native who said she received several messages about her “curvy shape” or “big booty” despite not evening carrying either of these qualities.

For black women that are struggling with online dating, it is of the utmost importance for them to understand that, like in most aspects of life, they are playing a rigged game.

They should not be discouraged. What one user sees as dismissible, is beautiful in the eyes of another.

features

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New exhibit features art from Wolfpack, counter narratives about the black body

Swathi Karthik/Nubian Message Visitors to the Politicization & Sexualization of Black Bodies art exhibit view narratives and paintings created by NC State students and staff. The opening reception was held on Monday, Feb. 11 at the Witherspoon Student Center Art Gallery, and was hosted by the NC State Women’s Center and the African American Cultural Center. The gallery runs until March 21.

The opening of Kennysha Woods “The PoliticizaManaging Editor tion and Sexual-

ization of Black Bodies” exhibition was held on Monday, Feb. 11 in Witherspoon Student Center. The exhibition features the artistic works of NC State students, faculty and staff that tell their counternarratives and experiences of self-image and acceptance within higher education and historically white institutions.

Angela Gay, assistant director of the Women’s Center, said, “I wanted to have an exhibit that focused on how we tell those stories and how we reclaim our bodies our-

selves. This is a reclamation, a celebration and storytelling. Speaking truth to power through art.”

The exhibition emerged from a partnership between the Women’s Center and the African American Cultural Center (AACC).

The opening reception took place in the AACC and included a reading of Audre Lorde’s “Need.” Then came a reflection by Zakiya Covington, student program assistant of the Women’s Center.

“As a black woman in academia,” Covington said, “to know that the standards I’m held to are inherently connected to the physical body that is present in the room

has been a challenge that I’m refusing to accept. My body is not and should not be seen as a limitation, nor should it be used as a justification for any decisions I have made or any decisions, conclusions or comments made about me myself.”

The reception concluded with a keynote by “Mama” Toni Thorpe, former program coordinator and lasting mentor of the AACC, in which she recounted her experiences with beauty, discussed the harmful stereotype of the Strong Black Woman and informed the audience of the importance of positive thinking and telling their own stories.

“What if you were born a wolf and said, ‘Well, I didn’t want to huff and puff,’” Thorpe said, “then the story ain’t so funny anymore.

The same thing happens with the stories about beauty. ‘You can’t wear that. That doesn’t look right on you. This is for me, not for you.’ You’d think it wouldn’t hurt, unless you’re the one the ‘ain’t’ goes with.

“So what is a wolf to do?... You got to write your own story.”

Attendees went to the AACC Gallery where the visual and written works are displayed. Much of the art was created in Fall 2018 by participants of the painting and

Exhibit continued on page 7

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features

celebrating Valentine’s Day for the low Yesenia Jones Staff Writer

For many college couples, Valentine’s Day brings about feelings of love, affection and worry. With many students working parttime, minimum wage jobs and maintaining living expenses, participating in the fairly expensive holiday can be dreadful.

However, the good news is that many students have access to discounts and low-cost events that can help them maintain their budget while still spreading the love.

Here is a list of affordable events on or near campus to help you celebrate Valentine’s Day:

Horticulture Club Valentine’s Day Flower Sale

The Horticulture Club will be selling roses, tulips, lilies and Dutch Iris from 1-4 p.m. in the Brickyard. They will also be selling flowers in the Talley Student Union from 3-6 p.m. on Thursday, Feb. 14.

NCSU’s EKTAA Valentine’s Day Mixer

The South Asian student organization is hosting its first ever Valentine’s Day mixer at The Junction Salon & Bar in Downtown Raleigh. The event will take place on Friday, Feb. 15 from 10 p.m. -2 a.m. All are welcome no matter their relationship status, however all attendees must wear

Valentine’s Day colors (pink, red, white and black). There is a $10 entry fee for NC State students at the door. The entry fee for non-students is $12.

Valentine’s Day Jazz Concert

The NC State Jazz Ensembles I and II will be performing a night full of big Latin and swing music to bring on the loving spirit. The concert will include songs like “I Can’t Stop Loving You,” most popularly performed by acts like Count Basie and Frank Sinatra, among others. The concerts will take place in the Titmus Theatre on Thursday and Friday, Feb. 14-15 at 7 p.m.

The entry fee for NC State students is $5 and $12 for non-students.

Valentine’s Day with Chickfil-A Cameron Village

Chick-Fil-A in Cameron Village is hosting a Valentine’s dinner for two. The dinner will take place on Thursday, Feb 14. from 6 p.m.-9:30 p.m. Tickets for the event are $20 and must be purchased ahead of time. The ticket includes one heart shaped 30-count of chicken nuggets, one large fry and two medium drinks. Tickets can be purchased by visiting the event’s Facebook page at Valentine’s Day with Chick-Fil-A.

NC STATE STUDENT MEDIA

Notice of public meeting

NC State Student Media has scheduled interviews with students who have applied for the senior leadership positions at Nubian Message and Technician, NC State’s student newspapers, for the 2019-2020 academic year.

These interviews are open to the public, and Student Media encourages anyone with an interest in these publications to attend.

The students will be interviewed by members of the Newspaper Advisory Board, which includes students, faculty, staff and industry professionals. There will be time set aside for questions and comments from the public before the advisory board members adjourn into executive session.

Both candidates will be interviewed Tuesday, Feb. 19, beginning at 6:30 p.m. in the Student Media Conference Room (Witherspoon 324.) Yesenia Jones, a junior in communications, has applied to be the Nubian Message’s Editor-In-Chief. Daniel Gilliam, a junior in communications, has applied to be Technician’s Editor-In-Chief.

After interviewing each candidate, the advisory board will submit its recommendations to the Student Media Board of Directors, which will make the final decision at its March meeting.

That meeting, which is also open to the public, will be held at 7 p.m. on Tuesday, March 19, in Room 201 of the Witherspoon Student Center.

For more information, contact Director of Student Media Advising Patrick Neal at pcneal@ncsu.edu or (919) 515-1515.

features

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Q&A with Dr. Kami Kosenko Oluwajoba Ogun Correspondent

In the past year, we have heard and seen many celebrities open up about their struggle to conceive—people like Gabrielle Union, Chrissy Teigen, Kim Kardashian and even former First Lady Michelle Obama.

According to Resolve: The National Infertility Association, infertility is a disease in which one hasn’t become pregnant after a year of trying or due to “an impairment of a person’s capacity to reproduce either as an individual or with his/her partner.”

Dr. Kami Kosenko is an associate professor at NC State and has taught courses on human and sex communication. In an email interview, Kosenko spoke about her latest work on the sources of uncertainty in infertility and what not to say to someone who is trying to conceive.

NM: What do you think keeps women from revealing things that occurred in the past?

Kosenko: Loss is hard to talk about, in general, and pregnancy loss is no different.

We’ve also created a culture in which couples are expected to wait to announce their pregnancy until they’ve reached the second trimester when the risk of miscarriage drops dramatically. Given that most miscarriages happen in the first trimester, before couples have shared their pregnancy news, they might find it difficult or awkward to talk about losing a pregnancy that other people didn’t know existed.

NM: Why do you think women are now choosing this time to discuss their own personal struggles?

Kosenko: Several celebrities have been more open about their fertility struggles, and social media has given individuals a forum in which to publicly share their personal struggles.

NM: What role does social media play in this?

Kosenko: Social media is both a boom and a bust for those affected by infertility and/or pregnancy loss. On one hand, it gives individuals the opportunity to share their experiences, gather information, and get support. However, seeing pregnancy announcements and baby pictures in one’s social media feed can be difficult for those dealing with infertility or the loss of a pregnancy.

NM: What are the misconceptions around infertility?

Kosenko: One misconception is that infertility usually stems from women’s health issues. In reality, about 30 percent of cases are caused by female health conditions, and around 30 percent are linked to male health conditions. Another misconception is that a woman’s age is of little consequence to her fertility. With celebrities like Janet Jackson having children at 50 with no mention of the fertility treatments that made that possible, it’s not surprising that women believe that pregnancy after 40 is easily achievable.

NM: What is the correct type of communication when it comes to miscarriage?

Kosenko: I think many people feel at a loss when it comes to comforting someone

who has experienced a pregnancy loss or fertility struggles. Based on my research, I can tell you what not to say.

First, stop asking people when they are going to have children. Second, if someone discloses his/her fertility issues, don’t offer unsolicited advice, and stop yourself before you say something like, “you just need to relax.” Don’t suggest that their infertility or pregnancy loss was fated or God’s will by using trite phrases, such as “it wasn’t meant to be” or “it wasn’t God’s plan.”

After a loss, suggesting that someone can “always try again” is dismissive, and any response that includes the phrase “at least” (e.g., “at least you know you can get pregnant”) is equally problematic.

Some of the things you can do to offer comfort and support include: treating a pregnancy loss at any stage like the loss of a child, telling the grieving party that you are there for them, saying the child’s name (and not avoiding the topic), and doing more listening than talking.

NM: what articles are you working on right now?

Kosenko: I’m working on a few pieces regarding infertility. The first describes the kinds of things that you should not say to someone struggling to conceive, and I mentioned those findings in the above question.

The second article focuses on the sources of uncertainty in the infertility experience...

For example, individuals noted high levels of uncertainty during the two-week wait, the period of time between receiving fertili-

exhibit

truths.”

Phillips continued: “For me, it’s about not assuming the same thing for every black woman and recognizing holistic differences between us all. Even though we may have similar experiences, we’re all very different in our own ways. That, too, should be appreciated.”

Khadija Parker, a fourth-year studying psychology, contributed her work entitled, “Crunches or nah?”

“What I want people to take away from this event is that your narrative is your own and it’s no one’s right to try to share it or write it for you,” Parker said. “I want people to be able to write their own stories as a result of this.”

Chaniqua Simpson, graduate assistant of the Women’s Center and a doctoral candidate in sociology, created “perfectmemory” in which she painted her own body from

memory. The accompanying placard reads, “it’s perfect. perfect as in an accurate representation. not perfect like white, skinny, tall, pale, middle class. my memory is perfect. my body is perfect.”

“Every body is a good body,” Simpson said. “Every body is a perfect body… None of us are artists, but what came out was a beautiful rendition of our beautiful selves.”

“I Am Man Enough” by Shaw Fredericks, a third-year studying international studies, offers his counternarrative against the expectations about masculinity in a written piece.

Fredericks said, “I thought about the narratives made about me as a black man. I wanted to write something that spoke to my truth and broke down some of the narratives surrounding my intersection.”

Adrianna Moore, a fourth-year studying women and gender studies and intern at

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writing workshops led by local artist and DJ Gemynii.

One participant is Kahlia Phillips, a fourth-year studying accounting and student program assistant of the Women’s Center. She created “Sheila in Fishnets,” which tells of her relationship to her own body in light of ideal standards of beauty and gender expression.

“We had a lot of time for self-reflection to write our counternarratives, because we were supposed to be thinking about how our bodies are viewed by society and what we’ve been told,” Phillips said. “We were supposed to be writing the counter story to that and telling real life experiences and

Photo contributed by Kami Kosenko ty treatments and getting pregnancy test results.

My hope is that, by identifying these periods of heightened uncertainty, we can develop interventions that help individuals cope with the stress and uncertainty of infertility. the Women’s Center, said, “I want people to read my story and feel empowered to tell their own stories. I want people to see it and know they’re not alone in some things. Even if they don’t feel like they connect with my story at all, I want some kind of self-reflection.”

Among the attendees was Quentella Williams, who came in support of Angela and the exhibition. “It really touched some things inside me as being a black woman…

I feel as though in a country where race is a really big issue nowadays, this is something that’s needed for our young brothers and sisters, to know they have a voice.”

“Black Bodies” is a part of the celebration of Black History Month and relates to this year’s embodying theme, “Our Wings Still Fly: The Beauty and Burden of Blackness.”

The exhibit will remain open for visitation throughout Black History Month.

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