INTO THE UNKNOWN: MY MEDICAL SCHOOL EXPERIENCE

I n t o T h e U n k n o w n : M y M e d i c a l S c h o o l E x p e r i e n c e

Dalia Samara

through regar don't

They say whoever has a dream should carve a way through, but oddly enough, I found myself carving the way way regardless of whether it was my dream or not. I still don't know why I chose medical school, but what I do know is that that I found no other place for myself except here, in the depths of hell. I didn't go into it blindly; being blessed with catastrophic thinking, I knew exactly where I was heading, what I was signing myself up for, and what to expect, but I bet you can't always expect the entirety of it.

My experience started from being excited to achieve something that has a certain level of impossibility, to being frightened out of my wits. Everything went fine, until I discovered the loopholes and the weak spots; struggling mentally was an added load to the mountain that was medical school. The transition from wanting to learn, and consume the knowledge of centuries, to hating the idea of opening my laptop to study was so disheartening, that I often found myself lost in whether this was really meant for me, or if I was treading dangerous waters. Not being able to retain information, dysfunctional memory, 0% of will or motivation or any kind of discipline, all looked like arrows only leading me further into a downfall.

I've seen myself fail like I've never had before and as someone who felt defined by grades and achievements for the past 14 years of education, it left a permanent scar in my faith in myself, coupled with disastrous, anxious thoughts, I knew for sure that I was done for. Medicine became more of a nightmare than a dream, especially when the pandemic hit. I, and most other students, were struggling to even pull through, yet the odds never seemed to be in our favor.

However, for some reason, I still held on to the hope that I could make everything work, at least a bit of it, that I will be able to recover and save whatever could be saved. Medical school keeps proving itself to be both my Kryptonite and Infinity Gauntlet. Despite narrowly passing semesters and having mental breakdowns every five seconds, I found that I could only ever be something great through medicine, not with the status but with knowledge. Something about it being difficult forces you to challenge it, and with all the failures, I've found myself growing in so many aspects; mentally, socially, and emotionally.

I n t o T h e U n k n o w n : M y M e d i c a l S c h o o l E x p e r i e n c e

Dalia Samara

I have little to no medical knowledge to show off, but still being still being able to dig through the information and understand it gives understand it gives me the feeling that I can do it, that it is po possible, that maybe, cliche as it is, there is light at the end of the the tunnel.

I've learned well that medical school is a long, long journey, a full-course meal of experiences, of ups and downs (with the balance slightly off) and of endless searching for meaning and purpose. It isn’t about finishing 6, 7 or 15 years, it's about the never-ending stream of giving. It's gruesomely humane. The show is ongoing, it never stops, it never slows down, it never gets easier. It is as dramatic and exhausting as everyone makes it out to be. It is a path to be carved with blood, sweat and tears.

What I have learned is that through this journey you'll have to drop the act of being your own enemy, and start nurturing yourself -mind, body, and soul-, you'll have to make your way through the dirt to build a life, to reach out and communicate with the world around you. You'll have to drag yourself out of your own misery, with your own scarred hands and open a book. So, my advice would be to engage in crafting a lifestyle that supports your experience in medical school, because it's not temporary, and build discipline and skills that help you survive it.

Lastly, try to romanticize the life out of your odyssey, pave your way in footprints unique to your experience and don't forget to breathe (and look at some memes while you’re at it).