Go Ahead And Get Your Laugh On The Ten Commandments School Teacher Mexican Cab Driver

A Baptist preacher and a Methodist preacher lived in a small town. Being very young ministers, they rode their bicycles to the town’s only service station every Sunday morning to eat breakfast and discuss their sermons before riding off to preach to their respective congregations.

One Sunday morning, the Baptist preacher rode up on his bicycle, but the Methodist preacher walked up on foot. The following conversation ensued:

BP: “Brother, what happened to your bicycle?!”

MP: “Brother, I believe a member of my congregation has stolen my bicycle.”

BP: “Brother, that is a shame. But I know what we ought to do. I’m gonna help you get your bicycle back. When you get into your pulpit, I want you to forget what you were going to preach on. Instead, I want you to preach on the Ten Commandments.”

MP: “The Ten Commandments, Brother?”

BP: “Yes, Brother, the Ten Commandments. I want you To make them feel the fire, and I want you to make them feel the brimstone, and when you get to ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ I want you to bear down on it, and whoever stole your bicycle will get to feeling bad and bring your bi- cycle back.”

MP: “Alright, Brother, I can do that!”

With that, the young pastors went their separate ways. The next Sunday, both men arrived at the service station at the accustomed time on their bicycles. The Baptist preacher was ecstatic at the apparent success of his strategy.

BP: “Hallelujah, Brother! A miracle has occurred! Did you take my advice? Did you preach on the Ten Commandments like I told you to?”

MP: “Yessir, Brother, I did!”

BP: “Amen, Brother! And did you make them feel the fire, and did you make them feel the brimstone?”

MP: “Yessir, Brother, I did!”

BP: “Amen, Brother! And when you got to ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ did you bear down on it, and whoever stole your bicycle got to feeling bad and brought your bicycle back?”

MP: “Well, Brother, not exactly.”

BP: “Well, do tell, Brother!”

MP: “Well, brother, when I got to the pulpit, I did preach on the Ten Commandments. And I did my best to make them feel the fire and smell the brimstone. And I fully intended to bear down on it when I got to “though shalt not steal. But before I got that far I came to ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ and I remembered where I left my bicycle.”

Fifty Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’ Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m 85 Years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’ To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you. But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.’

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’ Morris replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the Classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk, when a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a heavy duty stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence...

The rest of the year went very smoothly.

Donations

A priest, a rabbi and a minister are in a bar…

Talk got around to how they handle their respective donations from the collection plates.

So the bartender decidded to be bold and ask

“Well,” says the priest, “to be fair, I draw a chalk circle on the floor, and toss all the money in the air. What falls inside the circle goes to the Lord; what lands outside, I keep.”

The minister nods appreciatively. “Very similar here - but what lands in the circle, I keep. Still rather fair, I think.”

Then they both look at the rabbi who has remained silent.

“So, how do you divvy up the synagogue’s donations?”

TheRabbi replied, “Eh… I don’t go for all that stuff with chalk and circles. I just throw the money up in the air and what the Lord wants, he takes.”

A drunken, totally naked, woman jumped into a taxi near the Mexican Border. The Mexican driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

“What are you staring at, haven’t you ever seen a woman with no clothes on before?”

“I’m not staring at you lady. Where I come from, that would not be proper.”

“Well, if you’re not staring at me, what are you doing then?”

“Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!”

Cures

Johnny was a clerk in a drugstore but he really wasn’t very good at his job. However hard he tried, he could never find the item the customer wanted. His boss, Bert, had really had enough of him and he gave Johnny a warning that unless he started making sales immediately, he’d have to let him go.

As luck would have it, within minutes, a man walks into the drugstore with a cough and he asks Johnny for their best cough syrup. Though he tried hard, Johnny couldn’t find the cough syrup. However, with Bert’s warning still ringing in his ears, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax with the recommendation that he consumes the contents all at once.

The customer did as he was told and then walked into the street and promptly leaned up against a lamppost.

Now Bert had been observing Johnny’s performance from afar and he came over and asked him what had transpired.

“Well boss, he wanted cough syrup but I couldn’t find it, so I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take them all at once,” said Johnny.

“That’s absurd! Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough,” Bert reacted angrily.

“Sure it will,” said Johnny.

“Look at him now, leaning on that lamppost. He’s too afraid to cough.”