Go Ahead And Get Your Laugh On Confession

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

“Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration.

“You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Four months vacation and five good leads...

Wrong Number

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”

The voice from the other side responded:

“You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”

“No,” replied the trainee.

“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”

The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”

“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.

“Thank God for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.

Driving

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

(You’re going to love the Dad’s reply!)

“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went..?”

Virgins

A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, “What’s that?” pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, “Well, that’s what we had so much fun with last night.” She in amazement, asked, “Is that all we have left?”

The Solicitation

An 84-year-old man is having a drink in Harpoon Harry’s. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want $100, and there’s another condition.”’

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand... He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: “Paint my house.”

The Moral Of The Story is: Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains...

The Flight

A frantic young woman calls out a May Day.”My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don’t know how to fly.’

She hears a voice over the radio saying:”This is Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Everything will be fine!

What are your height and position?”

The woman says, “I’m 5’4” and I’m in the front seat.”

(After a long pause)

“O.K.” says the voice on the radio...”Now, repeat after me.”

”Our Father Who art in Heaven......”

Arthritis

On a step, a priest sat next to a drunk struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

“Do you know what arthritis is?”

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

“It’s a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly loose women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say.”

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

“How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it.”