Go Ahead And Get Your Laugh On

Being Sick

A male patient had just recovered successfully from a sex-threatening health attack with viagra.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying in the hospital bed.

A young nurse came to cleanse his body with a sponge.

The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”

Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you up to clean”

The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?”

The nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK”

The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?”

The nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely, and suddenly the man ejaculated on the nurse’s hand.

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know “Are my tests results back?”

Life after Death

A husband and wife loved to play golf. One day the wife asked her husband, “If I died, would you remarry?”

The husband thought and replied, “maybe.”

The wife then said, “But if you did, would you live in the house we have spent our whole marriage together?”

The husband thought and replied, “maybe.”

The wife said, “But if you did, would you sleep in our marriage bed that we have shared for so many years?”

The husband thought and replied, “maybe.”

Once more, the wife said, “But if you did, would she use my golf clubs?”

The husband replied, “No, she is left-handed.”

Artificial Intelligence

A guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender. The robot says, “What will you have?”The guy says, “Martini.”

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says, “168.”

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.” Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says, “100.”

The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini,” and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”

The robot leans in real close and says, “Isn’t it terrible the way Biden stole the election?”

A Designer Hoe

A beautiful blonde woman adorned in designer clothing and fine jewelry was telling the clothing store clerk, “It was I who made my husband a millionaire.” Impressed the clerk asked, “And what was he before you married him?”

The woman replied, “A multi-millionaire”.

Spider Riddle

Q: What did daddy spider say to baby spider?

A: You spend too much time on the web.

Drinking & Driving

Along a winding country road with high hedges two drivers are heading towards each other, an Englishman (Nigel) & an Irishman(Pat). At a bend they crash into each other, head on. They both escape, more or less unscathed.

Pat: ‘Jaysus, I’m glad we both got out of that ok. God must be on our side.

Nigel: ‘Absolutely, old chap. In fact I think that calls for a little celebration! . He then produces a bottle of whiskey from the back of his car, opens it & offers Pat a drink. Pat knocks back a good third of the whiskey & says ‘ You’re a grand chap, that hit the spot after the fright we got, here you go now, your turn.’ Nigel; Thanks all the same but I called the police so I think I’ll wait until they’ve arrived old chap!

“The 12 Inch Pianist”

A guy in a trench coat walks into a bar, and he reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a 12 inch guy, and places him on the counter. Then he reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a small piano, and places it on the counter. The 12 inch guy starts playing the little piano. The bartender is astounded, and asks, “Where’d you get that little guy?”

The guy in the trench coat reaches in his pocket again, and pulls out a rusty old lamp, and replies, “You see, I have this genie, but he’s kind of tricky because he doesn’t hear so well. So, you have to be careful what you wish for.”

The bartender says, “Gee, can I try?”

The guy in the trench coat says, “Sure.”

The bartender makes a wish, and a million ducks appear.

The bartender is incredulous, “I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks?”

The guy in the trench coat replies, “I told you he was tricky. Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”

Reading

One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,” Good morning, Ma’am, what are you doing”?

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious”?)

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to write you up a ticket.”

“For reading a book”? she replies.

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her again.

“But officer, I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to write you up a ticket and you’ll have to pay a fine.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the Game Warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he immediately departed.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

Not A Joke

You are going to die. Everyone you know is going to die. That should not scare us. It should free us. Free us to be present in every moment because this moment is all we really have. The past is gone. The future is not guaranteed. We have today. Embrace it and allow it to grow the love you have inside you. Then share that love.