Go Ahead And Get Your Laugh On

Old Folk

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I’d done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed “Thank you.”, obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again.

Don’t blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.

The Tractorr

Wife: There is a problem with the tractor. It has water in the carburetor.

Husband: Water in the carburetor?

That’s ridiculous.

Wife: I’m telling you the tractor has water in the carburetor.

Husband: You don’t even know where the carburetor is. Where’s the tractor?

Wife: In the pool.

Helicopter Lessons

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.

The instructor said, “I’ll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you’re doing.”

At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.

The instructor ran to where she crash-landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. “What went wrong?”

The blonde said, “At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off.”

College Students

A college student is pulling a cow along a busy street in Texas holding up traffic during rush hour.

A cop stops the student, and asks, “What the HELL are you doing, pulling a COW on this busy street causing this traffic jam?!!

Student: “I’m taking her home to my apartment up the road!”

Cop: “An apartment?!! So you live in a nice big apartment, huh?!

“Student: “No…my friends and I live on the third floor, and my Doctor says I need a lot of fresh milk, so I thought I’d buy a cow…

.”Cop: “ YEAH, YEAH, I GET IT! .. but, if you even manage to get the cow UP there, where will you KEEP her?!”

Student: “I’ll keep her in the living room.”

Cop: “IN THE LIVING ROOM??!! What about all the Do Do and filth, the noise, and the stinking smell??!!

Student: “Oh, …. She’ll soon get used to THAT, won’t you, Daisy Bell?”

Marylou...

A husband was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of the head with a huge frying pan.

“What the heck was that for!” he asked.

She replies, “I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it...”

“Oh, dear, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Well, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I placed a bet on.”

The explanation seems to appease her, and she leaves the room to go about her business.

Three days later, the man is again sitting in his chair reading the morning paper. His wife abruptly hangs up the telephone and then whacks him on the back of the head with the huge frying pan. “What the heck did I do wrong this time!” he asked.

She answered, “Your horse just called!”

Old and Married

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Bessie?”

Bessie looks him over. “Nope.”

Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks again. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different?”

Bessie looks up and down and says, “Sam, what’s different? It was hanging down yesterday, it’s hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!”

Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new boots!”

Bessie replies, “Should’a bought a hat, Sam!”

Canada

An American couple is driving through Canada and stops at a gas station to fuel up.

As the man goes into the station to pay, his wife calls out to him, “ask them where we are!”

So the husband walks in, pays, and asks, “by the way, where are we?”

To which the attendant answers, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.”

The man goes back to his car and the wife asks, “where are we?”

“He doesn’t speak English” replies the husband.

Cheerful Giver

I met a girl outside the mall crying because she lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found. When God blesses you, you must bless others.

Ugly Witch

A lady was walking down Water Street in St. John’s, when she spotted a large parrot outside in front of a shop. As she walked by, the bird eyed her, cocked his head, then squawked loudly, “Hello, you big… fat…. UGLY… WITCH!!!”Nonplussed, the lady walked on. The next day, she went by the same shop, and the same parrot was out enjoying the sun. And once again, he eyed her, cocked his head, and squawked, “Hello, you big… fat… UGLY… WITCH!!!”This time, rather offended, she hurried past. When this happened the third day in a row, she had had enough. She entered the shop and complained to the owner.“If you’re going to teach your bird to say such rude things”, she told him, “you ought to keep him indoors.”The proprietor apologized profusely. “Don’t worry, ma’am, that bird’s got a right attitude, he does. I’ll have a talk with him, and I assure you it won’t happen again.”

So a couple days later, the lady is walking down Water Street again. She sees the same parrot. With a little trepidation, she squares her shoulders and keeps on walking. When she’s close, the parrot cocks his head, eyes her, and squawks, “Hello………….” then winks and says, “YOU know!!!”

Texting

My uncle just texted me and asked what does IDK mean, and I replied: I don’t know and he said, “damn, nobody does”.