Home is Where the Heart Is

Building a house needs a lot of money, materials and patience. It is often said that “A home is where the heart is”. So, what does a home need to be built on? Does a home need to be built on anything other than money?

A home is safe unit for people to live in; no doubt about it. In every era the definition of how a home is run changes. Every period has its own systems, values and difficulties. Challenges of the modern world these days is that sometimes both genders must work in their fields of trade to pay bills or satisfy their professional necessities. However, the old saying, husband makes the money and wife stays home has changed or is changing. Thus, rising the issue of who will do the dishes . In the past, people have defined roles of who stays home and who makes money. But the modern world has shaken those boundaries.

There are men who want to stay home and take care of family. Besides, there are women who don’t feel fulfilled inside the home. The old societal norm of the one who makes money is considered as the head of the house, the one who decides all affairs, the dominant one that had to be served while the other half did not get the privilege in any form of the other privileged half. This has cast a deep dark shadow on our new society. So many women feel that it’s inferior of them to take care of the house because they saw this imbalance in their society and with their parents and see it as unfair or abusive. This disbalance of our society is affecting our homes directly. Thus, causing a deep divide between generations. The older generation want women to stay at home and do the same as they did for their home and children. They want new generation women to get out of barbie doll syndrome to get their heads into the sacrifice as their older generation did it, their whole life. They want to see, if new generation see the benefit from the work they have done. They want them to be in the game, from creating a safe haven for the new generations and helping them grow into stronger and healthier individuals while sacrificing their lives, time, interests and egos.

Younger generations vehemently disagree with this. This tussle is always there from one generation to another. Younger generations have their own ideas about living a life. They want to lead life on equal terms in work and decision. Though interesting, it is true that we all think what we do is better than our older generations and that we are wiser than the next.

I think there is no tussle if we take a step back and try to understand the goal. What is the goal? It seems that the goal is to make a home safe and sound for all who live in it. So, the challenge would not be how to run the house but how to run it effectively. This is not about who does a better job, but instead what each brings in their marriage This conundrum must be solved with courage, energy and wisdom from the couples, instead of making it a generational egotistical debate.

It is not saying that building a home and running it smoothly is a piece of cake for every generation. We all will have our share of our hiccups and we all got to solve our difficult problems. Sometimes there is a success but there is a chance of failure. Understanding the wisdom behind life is the key to solving it.

We are not our children or our parents. We are made up of half DNA from our father and half from our mother and same goes to our parents. So, in a nutshell we are neither our children nor parents. Since we have a different genetic makeup, we have a separate set of skills and thinking processes. So, it would be that we will not come across the challenges our parents faced, and it might be more probable that we wouldn’t deal with the problem the same way as our parents did. But not to jump hoops there is a lot of wisdom with our older generations. It is sometimes better to use the tried and tested methods instead of reinventing the wheel.

What does it take to make a home? It’s to bring one hundred percent of yourself in. We must be responsible enough to understand the goal of making a home. We must be ready to give extra hours when needed and go through pay cut a.k.a what you need or want, if necessary, to keep the home working efficiently. Both husband and wife are the integral part of this industry called home. The couple needs to discuss the roles and expectations about themselves and what are the expectations of their families, before marriage. Mature adults discuss the details beforehand to avoid imbalance and broken expectations in their relationship.

Running a home requires a lot of effort. At the very least, a home needs food, groceries, cooking, cleaning, repair, maintenance, money, socializing, and throwing away the garbage. These are unromantic work which people are doing to run a house for centuries. Couples are doing these ungrateful and unappreciated work, which deplete our energy to the nth level, for as long as humanity exists.

When we make a home, It is our time to show gratitude towards the older generations and oncoming generation by building our home and contributing towards it fully. The system we develop to run our home should have a few important points. Number one being sincerity, since nothing beats a sincere and unconditional effort made towards anything. Second is love, since building and running our home with love is what will help us get through when our energy supply is depleted. Truthfulness and trust are the next building blocks which help us understand the next person and their efforts. And finally, wisdom and humility, that give others the space to breathe. When all these ingredients are there, any curve ball will take us to new frontiers instead of throwing us down.

Our marriages are not a competition. It is teamwork. This teamwork needs both partners to be wise and helpful. It is needed to be understood that there will be a difference of opinions with each other and each other’s family. We must understand that they will have their opinions and you will have yours. It’s not a competition. That means we just need to step back and see the big picture, to lower our egos and agree to disagree. The idea is to keep balance, focus on a goal, and the goal is to run the home seamlessly by working together. Our parents want to see us happy. If we maturely run our family life they might not interfere. Since they are human and they also want to be part of our life, they do want to see us bloom with their own eyes and want to make a positive difference in and with us. Most parents fear to be left alone when they are weak and need help. Pushing the relationship enough that it breaks or ignoring them can be devastating to them. We are not animals or plants. We don’t need to be seeded away from our parents as we can live nearby or near in emotions to keep our ties together. Losing a child, whether it’s old or young is catastrophic. Whether it’s because they are left alone when they need us or whether children cut them off because their spouse doesn’t have courtesy to absorb them into their lives. So, if we as mature adults, keep the balance with our spouses and with our parents, none would think that they have lost their children or parents or spouse. Instead, they would gain a child and family with relation to our spouses.

All sets of couples need to understand that none needs to interfere in each other’s lives except when there is disrespect or abuse. Both sides of parents need to give the new home their respect and leave them alone with their unsolicited advice. Let them grow on their own soil and their own sunlight. At the same time, a couple needs to show their understanding and gratitude towards both families. Even though that they are detached from their parents, and they have added another set of thinking and working in the system. That thinking might not be the same as them or their parents, it may be one hundred percent different, but it’s time to understand the limitations and expectations of both families fully.

Marriage is the time to leave childhood and grow up as mature adults and know how to handle life wisely. It is time to start respecting any and all forms of work both done inside and outside the house. It is time to share the different household chores and make them a labour of love rather than ego which will make the home truly a safe and happy place where the heart is.

Photo by Christophe Maertens on Unsplash