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New UNI Men’s Basketball coach announced

By Buss Down Stelliana Knows How to Get Down

Cranjis McBasketball announced as new head Men’s Basketball Coach.

On March 31, basketball legend Cranjis McBasketball announced that he will be the next head coach of the UNI men’s basketball team. This comes with great shock, as McBasketball has been on a world tour, playing and coaching basketball across the seven continents.

McBasketball brings a top-scoring record to the UNI Men’s Basketball team. In every game he has coached and played, his team has earned gold.

Often, McBasketball will step onto the court when his specific team is losing. “I think this will be so ballin’ for the team,” said Dunkalota Buckets, a UNI student and avid UNI basketball enjoyer. “I’m looking forward to seeing Cranjis break ankles out there.”

Cranjis McBasketball, also known as Tanka Jahari, has been known to be a fan of pizza, especially on the court — where he is seen holding a whole pie. “My name is Tanka Jahari, but I would never order a whole pizza for myself,” said McBasketball-Jahari, after being questioned holding a pizza box on the free throw line.

UNI President Nark Mook announces new position as Sappa Kigma’s president

By Lil Munny I Love Cottage Cheese

In a move that has left faculty and students confused, University of Northern Iowa President Nark Mook announced Monday that he will be stepping down from his administrative position to pursue what he called “a higher calling” — serving as next year’s president of the Sappa Kigma fraternity.

Standing behind a podium redecorated with Greek letters and what appeared to be a borrowed “Saturdays are for the boys” flag, Mook addressed a stunned audience.

“Some leaders are called to serve institutions,” Mook said. “Others are called to serve brotherhoods. And a select few — like myself — are called to organize

themed parties and ensure the basement speakers are functioning at optimal levels.”

The announcement comes as a surprise to many, given Mook’s previous focus on enrollment growth, academic excellence and using “pookie” on social media.

According to insiders, the transition had been in the works for months. One anonymous fraternity member reported that Mook “absolutely crushed” the interview process.

“He came in with a full PowerPoint on ‘Strategic Pong Placement’ and a fiveyear vision for tailgate expansion,” the member said. “Also, he brought snacks. Really good snacks.”

Faculty reactions have been mixed. Some expressed concern over the sudden leadership change, while others admitted they were “honestly impressed.”

Students, meanwhile, seem cautiously optimistic.

“If he lowers tuition and throws a decent party, I’m in,” said sophomore Jake Miller.

In response to questions about his qualifications, Mook remained confident.

“Leadership is leadership,” he said. “Whether you’re managing a university or deciding who forgot to pay for their way into the pong tournament, it all comes down to accountability.”

Graphic/Lil Munny

Disclaimer: The French Fry is satire. All stories are fake.

Pride, Prejudice & Panthers

By Ella Vator

Only Up From Here

The students of UNI have spoken — they are tired of the 21st-century version of dating. Aspects of modern courting like the use of dating apps, never-ending coffee outings or social media messaging in order to form connections just aren’t cutting it for them anymore. But what can they do? How could one solve this social issue with the new generation?

Well, as the students of UNI found out, you simply have to change the game.

Pride, Prejudice & Panthers is the new movement on campus where each week in the Maucker Union Ballrooms there is a grand ball — dress code enforced heavily. The UNI Department of Theatre partnered with the UNI art students to create a vast wardrobe for students to pick from. Sophisticated gowns swish around the ladies’ feet, and fine-tailored tailcoats flow behind the gentlemen. The function seems to bring out an attitude of respect and Victorian decorum— something every college student can appreciate after having to eat ramen for the eighth time in a week.

The UNI film club plays instructive movies outside of the ballroom for stu-

dents taking a break from dancing, films like “Pride & Prejudice,” “Persuasion,” “Sense and Sensibility” and even certain episodes of “Bridgerton,” with the intent being to educate students who may not understand the rules of 19th-century courting.

But this new movement doesn’t stop at just weekly dances. No, sir, the students are taking a very serious approach to the new idea and are single-handedly changing the whole ecosystem of the campus. For instance, many students have forgone their jeans and t-shirts and instead proudly wear 19th-century European-style dresses and suits to classes. Several of them have started speaking in the Queen’s English, and campus police report that the parking lots have steadily been overtaken by horse carriages. Rod Library librarians are at a loss when asked to supply feathered inkpens with leather-bound books and professors from nearly all disciplines have complained that students have taken to sending them long letters instead of emailing. Blackboard accounts have gone largely inactive.

Kiera Knight, a student who is participating in the many new trends on cam-

pus, expressed her perspective on the recent changes.

“I have struggled in vain to find a partner and can bear it no longer,” Knight informed us after one of the Maucker Union balls. “These past semesters have been a torment, and I came to Pride, Prejudice & Panthers with the sole objective of finding another.”

Knight has not officially found anyone yet, but has stated that she remains determined and has attended all of the dances, checked out multiple books on 19th-century English

and has a very good feeling about this week.

But a match with a gentleman might be in the offing for Knight. When asked to account for her high spirits, Knight winked and said, “Last dance I had found a man who seemed most amiable.”

It can be safely concluded that this trend is one of the most powerful ever held on a campus. Students all over are expanding their vocabulary, sewing their own clothes and bypassing many modern practices in favor of historical accuracy. One student report-

ed seeing someone carry a coin purse to pay for tea at Starbucks, and yet another said they thought they had seen someone in a tailcoat walking around with a large paper map and a compass. It seems what started as an aversion to modern dating has now turned into an aversion to modern living. I believe that it can be said with a solid sense of certainty that this Pride, Prejudice & Panthers courtship trend has bewitched UNI, body and soul, and will likely be sticking around for a while.

Maucker Union adds energy drink fountains

By Marie Duke Energy Drink Lover

Rumors have been high energy around campus this spring semester. The university is adding a new addition to Maucker Union by adding energy drink drinking fountains for students to fuel up in between classes. This is sending UNI students and staff into a productivity boost.

A UNI student and energy drink buyer is very excited about this update to campus.

“I particularly think this is a great addition to the Union. I am so excited to be able to save money and fuel myself while on the go. This will become very helpful to me as a student to

NORTHERN IOWAN

L011 Maucker Union Cedar Falls, IA 50614 www.northerniowan.com northern-iowan@uni.edu 319.273.2157

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be able to fill my 24-oz cup on my way to class in the morning. I am hoping that by having the fountains, it will increase my focus level and make me more efficient in class. I cannot wait to try it!”

The change was decided upon after the prices of energy drinks continued to increase and students continued to make it a priority to purchase them. Products like Monster, Bloom and Red Bull fly off the shelves and into students’ hands regularly.

EDITORIAL STAFF

LILY MUNNIK News Editor munnikl@uni.edu

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CIRCULATION

BETHANY WINGET Circulation Manager

The Northern Iowan is published weekly on Wednesday during the academic year, except for holidays and examination periods, by the University of Northern Iowa, L011 Maucker Union, Cedar Falls, IA 506140166 under the auspices of the Board of Student Publications. Advertising errors that are the fault of the Northern Iowan will be corrected at no cost to the advertiser only if the Northern Iowan office is notified within seven days of the original pub- lication.

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Photo/Marie Duke

I love RJ Taylor

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“I know a lot of students like energy drinks of all flavors, but I do not think it is practical to promote students to drink less water throughout the day,” said an anonymous student.

Construction for the energy drink fountains will begin during the summer. The transition from water to energy drink fountains will certainly be an adjustment, but allow students to get the caffeine for free that they are already purchasing frequently. In hopes this helps students with financial stress, it promotes better saving and studying habits for students.

When the fountains are fully installed and working, all students and staff will be allowed to fill up on their favorite energy beverages during

operational hours in Maucker Union.

Energy drink fountains will contain popular flavors featuring plain, strawberry, orange, lavender, blue raspberry and green apple, as well as sugar-free options. The fountain will contain a selection of buttons for students to be able to customize their drinks at their fingertips for free. On the other hand, some students are extremely confused about the new fountains. In addition to the major concerns and health risks for students’ well-being, some are also worried about where the water fountains will be located.

UNI construction contractors to redo every sidewalk this spring

By Pants Hippostanky

A Very Stinky Boy

The University of Northern Iowa is known for its extremely walkable campus. Consisting of over 67,000 feet of sidewalks, students can traverse to every corner of the university with relative ease and time. This spring, that is about to change.

Construction contractors from various companies in the Cedar Valley are set to descend upon the treasured sidewalks starting April 31, 2026. When asked as to what sidewalks would be under maintenance, contractors answered:

“All the ones you use daily.”

This is just part of a three-step phase that would create the most inefficient and frustrating walks around campus. Each side-

walk will undergo massive renovations to ensure students have the hardest possible experience in getting to their destinations on time.

To get a better understanding of why these changes were made, we reached out to the Director Liaison of Internal Sidewalk Infrastructure and Development, Russ T. Bolts.

“We wanted to do something for the campus community that won’t really benefit anyone in the long run. Contractor’s crews are also very pale right now, so doing some standing around in the sun could really benefit their vitamin D.”

Bolts has been Director Liaison for just over a year, having been hired during a

time of known peace and prosperity in the sidewalk community.

The sidewalk construction process will include breaking up, gathering and exporting the concrete. After this, they anticipate letting the construction sites “air out” for 9 to 12 months, making sure not to be seen doing work by anyone during this time period.

The next part of the sidewalk renewal process includes hanging around looking busy, and lining up and pouring concrete so badly that it winds up more uneven and worse than before. How long will these renovations last? Estimates say not before we all graduate, but before the heat death of the universe. Get used to caution tape and lots

Evil squirrel sightings cause panic on campus

By Regular Person With Skin

Whatever That Means

Campus squirrels have become more than just quirky at UNI, there have been sightings of them doing abnormal and scary things.

The UNI campus squirrels have always been a trademark on campus here. They have no fear of people and are always around in the grassy areas and the walkways.

Over the last week, there have been sightings of these squirrels acting in peculiar ways. Karrisa Hirschey, a third-year student in the biology department, had a recent scary encounter with one. She always bikes to campus for class, and on Tuesday of last week, a squirrel climbed up into the front wheel of the bike and looked her in the eyes.

“I was really scared because, of course, I didn’t want to hurt the squirrel, but the squirrel had glowing red eyes. I could’ve sworn it was drooling at me,” Hirschey recalled.

Other accounts include sightings of squirrels in the towers waiting for students to come back from class in their dorms. Corbin Brown, a firstyear student who lives in Bender Hall, saw the evil squirrel in his room on Wednesday night as he was trying to fall asleep. His roommate got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and fell down the ladder, waking Brown up. As he tried to fall back asleep, he felt a furry figure behind his pillow that sent shivers down his spine.

“I couldn’t fall back asleep for two reasons. One being that I was scared for my life, two being that the furry figure started singing “ Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” and the voice was angelic,” Brown shared. Brown ended up getting no sleep that night and could not find the figure in the morning, but saw a bushy furry tail and something flying out the window.

More incidents were reported of evil squirrels singing about campus domination in trees and stealing food from students in the dining halls.

Local squirrel expert, Chandew Chipsprecher, offered advice on hunkering down in dorms with almonds.

“These squirrels are no normal squirrels. They need prestigious nuts, like almonds, to relinquish their power,” Chipsprecher stated.

Chipsprecher has been around campus collecting these squirrels for research and as pets for a greater purpose.

Nark Mook has been spotted in the presidential house, tied up with duct tape on his mouth and lots of red lights around him. Domination has begun.

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RELIABLE NEWS IN ESPANOL

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JAHARI would never order a whole pizzza for herself

Orgullo, Prejuicio y Panteras

By Ella Vator

Los estudiantes de UNI han hablado: están cansados de la versión del siglo XXI de las citas románticas. Aspectos del cortejo moderno como el uso de aplicaciones de citas, las interminables salidas por un café o los mensajes en redes sociales para formar conexiones ya no les son suficientes. Pero ¿qué pueden hacer? ¿Cómo podría resolverse este problema social con la nueva generación?

Bueno, como descubrieron los estudiantes de UNI, simplemente hay que cambiar las reglas del juego.

Orgullo, Prejuicio y Panteras es el nuevo movimiento en el campus donde cada semana, en los salones de baile de Maucker Union, se celebra un gran baile con un estricto código de vestimenta. El Departamento de Teatro de UNI se asoció con los estudiantes de arte de UNI para crear un amplio vestuario del que los alumnos puedan elegir. Sofisticados vestidos de gala susurran a los pies de las damas y finas levitas de cola fluyen detrás de los

caballeros. El evento parece sacar a relucir una actitud de respeto y decoro victoriano, algo que cualquier estudiante universitario puede apreciar después de tener que comer ramen por octava vez en una semana.

El club de cine de UNI proyecta películas instructivas fuera del salón de baile para los estudiantes que descansan de bailar, películas

los estudiantes están adoptando un enfoque muy serio con esta nueva idea y están cambiando por completo el ecosistema del campus. Por ejemplo, muchos estudiantes han dejado de lado sus jeans y camisetas y, en su lugar, usan con orgullo vestidos y trajes de estilo europeo del siglo XIX para ir a clases. Varios de ellos han comenzado a hablar en inglés de la reina, y

se han quejado de que los estudiantes han optado por enviarles largas cartas en lugar de correos electrónicos. Las cuentas de Blackboard han quedado mayormente inactivas.

Kiera Knight, una estudiante que participa en las muchas nuevas tendencias del campus, compartió su perspectiva sobre los cambios recientes.

Estos últimos semestres han sido un tormento y vine a Orgullo, Prejuicio y Panteras con el único objetivo de encontrar una.

– KIERA KNIGHT Student on campus

como "Orgullo y prejuicio", "Persuasión", "Sense and Sensibility" e incluso ciertos episodios de "Bridgerton", con la intención de educar a los estudiantes que quizás no comprendan las reglas del cortejo del siglo XIX. Pero este nuevo movimiento no se detiene solo en los bailes semanales. No, señor,

la policía del campus reporta que los estacionamientos han sido gradualmente invadidos por carruajes tirados por caballos. Los bibliotecarios de la Biblioteca Rod no saben qué hacer cuando se les pide que proporcionen plumas de tintero con libros encuadernados en cuero, y los profesores de casi todas las disciplinas

"He luchado en vano por encontrar una pareja y ya no puedo soportarlo más", nos informó Knight después de uno de los bailes en Maucker Union. "Estos últimos semestres han sido un tormento y vine a Orgullo, Prejuicio y Panteras con el único objetivo de encontrar una".

Knight aún no ha encontrado oficialmente a nadie, pero ha declarado que sigue decidida, ha asistido a todos los bailes, ha tomado prestados múltiples libros sobre el inglés del siglo XIX y tiene un muy buen presentimiento

para esta semana.

Pero quizás se avecina una conquista con un caballero para Knight. Cuando se le pidió que explicara su buen ánimo, Knight guiñó un ojo y dijo: "En el último baile encontré a un hombre que me pareció muy amable".

Se puede concluir con seguridad que esta tendencia es una de las más impactantes que haya existido en un campus. Estudiantes de todas partes están ampliando su vocabulario, cosiendo su propia ropa y dejando de lado muchas prácticas modernas en favor de la precisión histórica. Una estudiante reportó haber visto a alguien llevar una bolsa de monedas para pagar el té en Starbucks, y otra más dijo que creyó ver a alguien con una levita paseándose con un gran mapa de papel y una brújula. Parece que lo que comenzó como una aversión a las citas modernas se ha convertido ahora en una aversión a la vida moderna.

Creo que se puede decir con un sólido sentido de certeza que esta tendencia de cortejo de Orgullo, Prejuicio y Panteras ha hechizado a UNI, en cuerpo y alma, y que probablemente se mantendrá por un tiempo.

TANKA

Northern Iowan/Ella Vator

“¿Cansado de las apps de citas? En UNI ahora se corteja con levitas y vestidos de época.”

Only Up From Here

Traductora Loo Alldabest

He is the best

Disclaimer: The French Fry is satire. All stories are fake.

Graphic by Estelle Johnson

UNI permanently bans students from dancing, listening to music

By Sklar Zinkerbink Swaggy Z.

UNI President Nark Mook decreed an executive order on April 1, 2026 banning all music on campus. A recent study done in the biology department on campus found that participants listening to music danced more and studied less.

This study, led by Professor Bonculous, has been thirty years in the making. Bonculous has never seen the good of music in this world. Growing up, his parents used music as a punishment for when he would disobey them. They would require he listened to certain songs on repeat if he did things such as not finishing his dinner plate.

“I never want to hear the song Thriller ever again,” Bonculous recalled from his childhood.

He since has found many reasons why music has been worse for this world than for the better.

“Not only is it a distraction and a nuisance, it is disgusting to hear and adds nothing to this world,” Bonculous said.

His study, implemented just this academic year, had many students behind him. One of them is a

psychology student, Evinn Agams. Agams is in his third year at UNI and has always looked up to Dr. Bonculous.

“Yeah, I don’t really have anything against music, but I think Bonculous is cool,” Agams stated. In the study, Bonculous needed someone to sneak into Schindler Hall to play music and see how the subjects, the unaware students, reacted to it. They chose to do it around 12 p.m., right as class began. Agams crawled up into the air shafts with a boombox, played the song “Sweet Caroline” and observed the subjects.

“The students not only got up to sing the song, but started dancing. It was exactly what Bonculous feared,” Agams recalled.

The song played on repeat for about an hour before the rush slowed down and the students stopped dancing and singing. Dr. Bonculous went back to his office with Agams to assess the findings.

“We found that the students lost an hour of vital study time due to the playing of music. Therefore, it lowers productivity and the efficiency of our University, which ultimately reflects poorly on us,” Bonculous shared.

The second trial of this study involved isolating a single student and playing music to see how they reacted while trying to memorize the multiplication tables used in elementary schools.

Dr. Bonculous said that the only student who would be unbiased for the second trial would be Evinn Agams. He said that Agams was incredibly willing and actually enjoyed the study.

“Bonculous locked me in one of those clear racquetball rooms at the WRC after he said we were going to play racquetball. I was sad,” Agams said.

The second trial found that the song “Creep” by Radiohead impaired his ability to do the multiplication sheet, and the sheet was stained with tears. The official report states that any exposure to music inhibits students from completing their work.

The president’s executive order states that any student reported playing music, listening to music or dancing to music on campus will get a slap on the wrist, implementing the 10 strikes to removal plan. Russell Hall is being repurposed into Bonculous’s lab to enforce this decree.

The report was slid under Nark Mook’s door to be examined. Mook has refrained from commenting on his executive order.

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Cedar Falls unveils future plan to turn College Hill into a ski slope

By Olive Handinajar Alias olive oil

On Friday, March 20, the city of Cedar Falls announced the surprising closure of College Hill.

“We are aware this decision will impact the community, but we believe the long-term benefits will outweigh the current loss,” city officials stated.

Following the closure of the Hill, the university immediately annoucned it would purchase the area and undertake extensive renovations.

The project, which has already been dubbed “Operation: Extreme Upgrade” by administrators, will transform the once walkable stretch into a fully functioning ski slope, complete with

chair lifts, artificial snow machines and a UNI ski lodge.

Following the announcement, the university has shared tentative plans for the demolition and construction of Ski Hill. Demolition of existing structures is expected to begin in early May, immediately following spring graduation.

The demolition is projected to last six to eight weeks, after which crews will begin constructing the land into a steeper slope designed to meet collegiate competition standards.

Major construction, including the lift system, lodge and snowmaking equipment, is scheduled to begin in mid-summer and continue through the fall.

UNI has indicated that the project will rely

heavily on artificial snow production, with installation of high-capacity snow machines set for completion by November in preparation for colder temperatures.

If the construction remains on schedule, officials anticipate an opening in January 2027.

In addition to the slope itself, the development plan includes equipment rental facilities and a renovated lodge space that will serve as both a warming center and a hub for campus events.

University officials have emphasized that the accelerated timeline is intended to ensure the slope is operational for the peak winter season, marking a rapid transformation of the area within less than a year.

Campanile 2.0: “It was so popular we are building a second one”

By Jenny Westenfork Not a utensil

Aside from the infamous UNI Dome, the Campanile, located in the middle of UNI campus, is a big deal.

The Campanile was built in 1926, making it almost 100 years old as of this year. The Campanile is wellknown to many, with the annual “Campaniling” tradition every year for homecoming and other fun events involving the Campanile.

This year, the university is also celebrating 150 years, or its sesquicentennial celebration. There have been many events planned around this milestone already, with many more to happen in the coming months.

However, the university is set to announce that to conclude the celebration, this summer construction will begin on a second Campanile.

The reason for this new Campanile is due to a random stash of cash found in the back of the Commons. Director of University Relations Mete Poris stated that “since the university didn’t know about this extra cash, they had to blow it on something.”

Construction on the second Campanile will begin when students leave for summer break and will conclude in 50 years for the university’s 200th anniversary.

The Campanile is set to be located near the current

Campanile, and the university encourages students to “pick which one is their favorite.”

The new Campanile will be twice as tall as the current one, and will be purple and gold to showcase the university’s school pride.

Despite the unexpected height, there will be no steps inside the building, and anyone who wants to get to the top must scale the building. The plans include rock climbing holds on the north face of the Campanile, but no belay ropes.

Architectural renderings of the new Campanile were accidentally leaked earlier this week by the newly appointed Head of the New Campanile, who is actually a campus squirrel. The squirrel issued an apology statement, stating random squirrel noises, so no one really knows what he said anyway.

Due to the fact that squirrels cannot talk, UNI President Nark Mook issued a statement earlier this week regarding the incident on behalf of the squirrel.

“Despite the plans being released sooner than we expected, we are excited for this new addition to our campus,” Mook said. “We think the fact that our second Campanile is so tall is great for university exposure from anywhere, including space. And who doesn’t love two Campaniles?!”

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APRIL 1, 2026 |

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Mete Poris gives up Red Bull for UNI’s 150th Anniversary

By Mete student employee Srry for exposing u

In a bold act of school spirit, Mete Poris, director of university relations at the University of Northern Iowa, has announced he will give up Red Bull for the entirety of the university’s 150th anniversary year.

The announcement, delivered during what was supposed to be a quick meeting about campus banners, quickly spiraled into a very emotional press conference.

“This university has given me so much,” Mete said, placing a can on the table. “And now, for the next year, I give it my greatest treasure.”

Colleagues report the decision came after “minutes of reflection” and “at least three Red Bulls in

rapid succession.”

“At first we thought he was joking,” said Madam Mamdor. “But then he started handing out the remaining cans like it was a farewell tour.”

University leadership has acknowledged the gesture.

“While this was not part of our official 150th anniversary programming, we respect Mete’s gesture,” Segan McTuder said. “We just ask that he stop referring to it as ‘The Great Initiative of 2026.’”

Mete’s day-to-day responsibilities — media relations, strategic communications and being an X icon — have reportedly taken on a new tone in the absence of his usual caffeine intake.

“His emails used to come in at 2 a.m. with subject lines like ‘BIG IDEA!!!’” said Wacy Jerning. “Now they arrive at 9:15 a.m. and say things like

‘Following up.’ We’re all just surviving.”

Despite early signs of fatigue, Mete insists the sacrifice is worth it.

“Sure, I occasionally forget what I walked into a room for,” he admitted. “And yes, I tried to unlock my own office with my car key yesterday. But this is bigger than me. This is about UNI.” Students have begun to take notice, though many remain skeptical.

“I didn’t know who he was before this, besides his occasional selfie popping up on my X feed,” said sophomore Susan K. “But now I still don’t, just with more context.”

At press time, Mete was reportedly seen staring longingly at a vending machine before whispering, “This is for you, UNI,” and selecting a bottle of water with visible reluctance.

Demolition of Campbell Hall continues for new unique development

By Paige Turner

She is THAT girl

Opened to students in 1952, deconstruction continues on Campbell Hall. The process has been careful and meticulous in order to ensure that the space will be fully prepared for its next purpose.

As plans move along, several UNI students are excited to see and utilize the space once it is complete.

“I think it’ll be especially great during finals week when we’re all really stressing,” UNI student Justin Case said. “I can’t wait for the ducks!”

Other students like Case are especially excited for the duck pond that will be going in as soon as possible.

Sophomore Chip Munk said that he is also happy about the ducks for an entirely different reason.

“It is my favorite thing in the whole world to hear ducks in the morning,” Munk noted. “I just love their honking, it kind of reminds me of my ex-girlfriend … I just can’t wait to start every day on that sort of positive note!”

Along with the duck pond, there will also be pens and playsets installed

for the other animals, including but not limited to puppies, goats and UNI’s very own real live panthers.

Panther tamer Clara Fication described the process the panthers are currently going through to be ready for their unveiling at the Petting Zoo on Sept. 2, 2026.

“What? Well, they aren’t really going to be tamed per say … they’re going to be pretty out and about and doing whatever they please, I mean, they’ve never eaten anyone before … we just really want to give students a more realistic experience with their time here, that’s all.”

Student April Showers shared just how much the Petting Zoo will mean to her.

“To be able to cross the street and see animals and pet the animals and not get rabies [Note: the UNI Petting Zoo cannot promise this fact] every day will just be a dream come true.

Put April 31, 2026, on your calendars and head on over to the previous Campbell Hall for your very own sneak peek of UNI’s Petting Zoo. Maybe it will be a dream come true for you, too.

UNI becomes first college to form sports betting team

By Sir Mikey Bob Jr. Diet Coke Enthusiast

UNI is hitting the books — the sports book, that is.

The university announced this week the creation of the first collegiate sports betting team. Forming a sports betting team has been in the works for the past few months at the University of Northern Iowa.

The team was recently approved and will begin practices and competitions immediately. “We are thrilled to break ground on a sports betting team at the university,” an anonymous UNI official said. “Sports betting has become one of the most popular trends among young adults in recent years, and we are honored to be the

first university to have a team.”

The format consists of a six-person lineup. Three members specialize in moneyline or spread bets, two handle over/under bets, and one focuses on parlays.

The team that generates the most money within a week wins and keeps the earnings.

Several of the team’s founders have begun reaching out to schools in the Midwest, encouraging them to create similar teams.

The long-term goal is to establish an official conference within the next two years.

In the meantime, the team will conduct weekly intrasquad scrimmages to prepare for competition. Students can try out for the team by placing three

bets within a one-week period.

Team captains will evaluate the results to determine eligibility. Students may also submit their career betting records for consideration.

UNI senior and team captain Max Profit said he has accumulated more than $5,000 in winnings over three years of betting and is eager to bring his experience to the team.

“I want UNI to have the greatest sports betting team in the world,” Profit said. “We have the talent and coaching to compete for titles year after year.”

The sports betting team will practice three times a week beginning in April, with hopes of competing against other schools later this month.

RAHHH SPORTS

Graphic/Cohen Kamaus

The Panther Train’s addition of walkout songs would be a huge hit for the program.

By Mayo Ketchupblender Mullet supporter

Nothing gets fans more excited for a match than music, lights and maybe even some fog. For years, the Ultimate Fighting Championship has helped make pre-fight walkouts iconic in the combat sports world. Alexander Volkanovski’s walkout song is “Down Under” by Men at Work, and the song has become symbolic of his career. Whether fans like the fighter, the song or both, it elevates the experience.

The University of Northern Iowa wrestling program is set to implement UFC-style walkouts next season. UNI President Nark Mook said the change is aimed at increasing student engagement and creating a more exciting atmosphere, adding that he is a “huge fan of the UFC.”

Interest in the UFC has grown among young people in recent years, particularly among college students. UNI wrestling plans to capitalize on that trend by allowing student-athletes to choose their own walkout songs. It is also rumored that mascots TC and TK could appear as part of wrestlers’ entourages.

UNI Director of Athletics Fegan Mranklin said the change could benefit both fans and athletes.

“Not only will a walkout be entertaining for fans, but the athletes themselves will

love it,” Mranklin said. “The music will add a personal touch to their matches.”

The move could generate attention beyond campus. Other programs, including the University of Iowa and Penn State, incorporate walkout songs during meets, but allowing each athlete to select a unique song would take the concept further. UNI officials envision crowds at the McLeod Center singing along to wrestlers’ songs, creating a high-energy environment that could boost team performance.

UFC events are often sold out, driven by both star power and atmosphere. UNI hopes individualized walkouts will create a similar sense of spectacle. Instead of watching fighters on television, fans could experience a comparable atmosphere at wrestling meets.

“We are excited to introduce walkouts to our wrestling program,” Mook said. “We believe this change will allow athletes to feel like they’re on top of the world once they step on the mat. As a fan of the UFC, I am honored to share parts of their craft, and I look forward to seeing the impact on our campus.”

The announcement has already generated excitement, with students suggesting potential walkout songs. Some athletes may draw inspiration from UFC fighters, while others could

choose music unique to them. UNI wrestling head coach Diggy Schab said the team is eager to embrace the change.

“The team and I are looking forward to UFC-style walkouts next season,” Schab said. “It’s a great opportunity for fans to get excited and for our athletes to stand out.

We already have guys in the locker room brainstorming ideas for their walkouts.”

Next season, UNI wrestling fans can expect a different atmosphere at the McLeod Center. Organizers say the addition of music, fan interaction and individualized entrances could make

each home meet feel like a major event.

There is little doubt among those involved that the change will make next season memorable. Once the first walkout music plays throughout the arena, the wait may prove worth it.

More UNI-Dome construction! Yippee!

By Nickel Wafflestomper

Really likes squirrels

The UNI-Dome is set for a major upgrade.

For the first time in its history, the University of Northern Iowa has announced plans to add a retractable roof to the UNI-Dome, aiming to enhance the fan experience at

football games. UNI would become the first college program in the nation to feature a roof of its kind.

The new retractable roof is expected to create additional entertainment opportunities. Before each game, mascots TC and TK will parachute into the stadium alongside

one selected fan. The fan will enter from a helicopter with the mascots as part of an effort by UNI to boost energy and engagement on game days.

The roof will also allow fans and players to experience outdoor conditions when weather permits. On favor-

able days, the structure can open to create an outdoor atmosphere while maintaining the benefits of an indoor venue.

Another addition tied to the project includes fireworks displays. Fireworks will follow every touchdown and home victory, launching from

designated areas on the field and near the end zone.

The retractable roof could also open the door for other pregame and in-game entertainment, including flyovers and drone shows.

UNI officials say more details about the project will be announced at a later date.

UNI basketball to take on students, staff

Game

will

By Tired Woodpecker Hotdog

take place in the UNI-Dome parking lot, tip date set to April 3

The Northern Iowan men’s basketball team is set to play a game in the UNIDome parking lot. The game will be played Friday, April 3, against students, staff and others looking to participate.

Since head coach Jen Bacobson was recently hired by Ewtah State, former UNI basketball star and current Milwaukee Bucks player AyeJay Greene will coach the team.

“We’re going to destroy anybody we play,” Greene said. “I think I’m going to recruit Giannis Antetokounmpo off the Bucks just because.”

The news has many people on campus talking about potentially joining the team that will face the men’s squad. A coach has not been decided for the student and faculty team, but many students believe they do not need one.

“We don’t need a coach,” one student said. “We just

be set.”

live on television. Viewers can also watch a livestream on IShowSpeed’s channel. IShowSpeed said he plans to attend and stream the event.

“I really wanted to see what this game was all about,” Speed said. “I’m really excited. Should I bring Kai Cenat with me?”

A stream featuring Kai Cenat and Speed could draw significant attention to the Cedar Falls area, something the school could greatly benefit from.

Those interested in participating can sign up online, with tryouts currently underway. According to one participant, the evaluation process has been unconventional.

“They didn’t even have the hoops down; they just wanted to see if I had a fire celebration,” the participant said. “I hit them with a nose-whip celly, and they loved it.”

The event is free to attend, and organizers expect a strong turnout for what promises to be an unusual matchup.

Photo is AI Generated

The Panthers would greatly benefit from a retractable roof. It would allow them to enjoy the weather on nice days and still reap the pros of an indoor facility.

Graphic/Cohen Kamaus A game in the UNI-Dome parking lot would attract a large crowd, and give UNI plenty of publicity.

Panther legends seek more money and a ‘bigger market’

By Cowin KaMoose

Aura master

In a surprising development, UNI’s legendary mascots, TC and TK, have officially entered the transfer portal, sources at UNI confirmed.

The longtime faces of Panther athletics are expected to draw significant interest from Power Five programs. The news comes after the UNI men’s and women’s basketball seasons ended earlier in March, as the cats reportedly felt underutilized and wanted to compete on a bigger stage.

“Meow,” TC said.

“Meow,” TK added.

Sources close to the sit-

uation cited a combination of factors behind the move, including increased opportunities in the name, image and likeness landscape. Other sources indicated the mascots had become frustrated with limited national exposure.

One source said the cats were also upset after racking up more than 15 parking tickets over the past two years.

TC, known as “The Cat,” has been part of the University of Northern Iowa since the mid-1980s, interacting with fans and attending UNI sporting events. He leaves as the most accomplished mascot in program history, with well over 1,000 appearances.

TC is known for leading

cheers and hyping up the crowd inside the UNI-Dome. He also gained attention for his recent outfits during the Panthers in Paradise event, where he wore a coconut bra and grass skirt. Several East Coast programs reportedly took notice, fueling tampering rumors surrounding his recruitment. He leaves behind a lasting legacy.

TK, known as “The Kitten,” is the younger sister of TC. Born Oct. 23, 2010, TK has served as TC’s sidekick for more than a decade. She is also known for occasionally reporting TC’s antics to UNI administration.

Last year, after TC spray-painted the entire

McLeod Center concourse purple as a Homecoming prank, TK informed UNI President Nark Mook. Mook instructed TC to clean it up before the volleyball match, which is why it was never seen publicly. The incident was one of several that highlighted tension between the two.

Social media, particularly Facebook, has been filled with speculation about whether the pair could eventually go their separate ways.

The duo led the Missouri Valley Conference in T-shirt toss efficiency this past season and consistently ranked among the conference leaders in photos taken and pushups

completed. Where TC went, TK was rarely far behind.

Schools that could potentially be interested in TC and TK include the Iowa Hawkeyes, Alabama Crimson Tide, Bishop Sycamore Centurions and the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. The cats’ agents said both TC and TK would be open to equipping the “Peely” skin from Fortnite if they were to land at UC Santa Cruz.

The departure marks the end of an era for Panther athletics. As the transfer portal continues to reshape college athletics, even the most loyal and recognizable figures are not immune to change.