Dealing with Preschool Separation Anxiety?

By Aisha Taylor

When my twins first started school, I dropped them off and assured them everything was going to be okay. Then, I slowly walked back to my car as I tried not to cry. I didn’t know how they would manage without me at school and I didn’t know what I was going to do while they were at school. I wasn’t ready. Can you relate? If so, you aren’t alone.

Sara Miller, director of Carol Nursery School, says “I think it’s hard for every parent to drop their child off at school because they are dropping their child off with people they don’t know. That’s a big ask to have that trust. That can cause separation anxiety or regular anxiety.”

Don’t worry if your child also experiences separation anxiety. It is common among children and is a healthy part of child development. However, the degree of separation anxiety varies by child. This is why it’s important for parents to manage their own emotions and pay attention to their children to know how to best support them throughout this process.

Dr. Jay Berk, child and family psychologist, says children can sense their parent’s anxiety. This can make the child nervous instead of sending the message, ‘I know that you can handle this.’

Parents can reduce their anxiety by building trust. The foundation to building trust, according to Miller, is “choosing a school whose philosophy matches your philosophy.” This is done by building a relationship with the people in the school and asking as many questions as you need to in order to feel comfortable with the program, process, building, and teachers.

• What is the process for separation?

• What will you do to help my child?

• What does the first day of school look like?

• What do you do before school starts?

• What do you do to help integrate my child into the program safely and securely?

• Am I allowed to stay if my child is struggling and where would that be?

• Am I allowed to come into the classroom?

• What are your policies on parents helping out in the classroom or school?

• What is their discipline policy?

• What do they do if the child is sad or hurt?

• How do they care for and nurture the children?

When parents feel trust with the school, they are better equipped to help their child to develop the trust to overcome separation anxiety. “The child needs to trust they are okay because if the child is anxious about where their parents are, when they will get picked up, and when the day will end, then they aren’t learning. However, once the child is settled and safe, then the learning and socialization can begin,” Miller adds.

Helping your child prepare for the first day of school can minimize separation anxiety. Miller recommends parents:

• Visit the school with their child.

• If there is a playground, take them to the playground over the summer and begin talking about how this is their special playground and they can play there with their friends.

• If parents can get into the building, use the bathrooms so the child can see what that looks like.

• Make a book about what school will look like. You can do this by taking pictures of the classroom. If you can’t go into the classroom to take pictures, then draw your own or clip them out of a magazine.

• Read a book about going to school for the first time to help your child to mentally prepare for school.

However, Miller cautions parents not to start too soon.

“That can cause more anxiety, because children don’t have a sense of time,” she says. “But, parents know their child and how much information they can handle.”

This process may take time, so be patient. Use positive language to reinforce that your child is safe during this process. Miller recommends using the phrases, “You’re okay. You’re going to be okay.” “I will be right back.” Don’t say “You’re okay, right?” The last phrase is a question and it can cause your child to feel uncertain about whether he/she is safe.

“Your goal is not to solve that anxiety situation, but to build your child’s toolkit that they can carry with them through different situations and experiences,” Berk advises. This toolbox includes helping children to develop the skills to handle situations that can be uncomfortable.

Also, do not talk about leaving your child. Miller says “if you can stay, tell your child, ‘I will stay with you as long as you need me to stay.’” If the policy requires you to leave, then be honest and tell your child you can’t stay. Instead, tell your child. ‘I found you the best school ever, you will have the best teacher ever, and your teacher will be there to play with you, and after I will pick you up.’ This will help your child to be excited about the upcoming school year.

Some children may need more support than others. The level of separation anxiety can be impacted by a child’s personality type, major life changes, a loss of a loved one, socialization during the pandemic, fear of making friends, or more.

“The pandemic had a major impact on separation anxiety, because children weren’t able to develop skills that they normally would have developed,” Berk says. “Therefore, parents and teachers may need to provide the child with extra support.”

• Attach pictures and cards with messages from home to a ring for the child to flip

• Give 10 envelopes to the teacher. Each morning the child gets an envelope that contains an encouraging message from the parent.

• Ask deeper questions. Get to the source of why your child is having trouble separating. If you don’t get to the source, then the separation anxiety can reoccur.

• Put the electronics away. There are a lot of natural opportunities in everyday life to develop social skills that will also help to reduce separation anxiety.

Separation anxiety isn’t limited to the first week of school. For some children, the separation anxiety starts after the first few weeks or later.

“Separation anxiety can impact some children at two weeks while it can impact others at six weeks,” Miller says. Some children who had previously overcome separation anxiety can backslide and begin having difficulty again. However, this isn’t something to worry about. She doesn’t want parents to be alarmed and recommends parents to encourage their child and then go through the process again. Typically, this is a shorter process because they already mastered this before.

Even after asking questions, researching the school, and successfully helping your child master the transition into preschool, it’s possible that parents can still feel anxiety. If you are still struggling, Miller says to “walk away with good posture and then cry, if you need to, once you get around the corner. If you don’t, the child will wonder if they really are safe at school.” Also, speak to someone at the school or a therapist about your emotions so you become more comfortable with your child at school.

The earlier you teach your child how to deal with preschool separation anxiety, and master them yourself, the more successful your child will be at overcoming separation anxiety in the future. Your goal is to create an independent, well-functioning adult. Believe it or not, managing preschool separation anxiety well for both parent and child is a critical building block towards achieving this goal.