Depression

I suffered from depression, I'm still not sure if putting it as "suffered" is fit enough because it is kind of putting it as if it is in the past, as if I have completely mastered it. I personally feel that fighting depression is a continuous battle that we get to fight because it can be triggered by tiny things that you were not aware that they were issues. There are days where depression would be at its lowest as if it's completely done, and there are those where it will be at its highest. What really helps is holding on to God.

When I actually track back, my depression started at the age of 15 years. It started mainly because of bullying. I was teased a lot about my appearance, my teeth, ears, forehead, you name it. I grew up thinking that I wasn't pretty enough, that I didn't mount to the standards of beauty. It went an extent that I even changed schools in grade 9. That didn't help, even though I was not teased at the new school, I still carried those negative thoughts with me. I struggled to make new friends.

This started to become something that I just couldn't understand, demonic even if we could put it that way, because I had given up on God as I felt so has been taken away from me. There was just no reason for me to believe, there was just no need. Even when my mom was still around, I didn't go to church as much but I still prayed and believed in God. Even after mom's passing, I continued a bit to pray but it got a point of just having no hope and I stopped.

One of the things that made me cope or manage it well was being part of the Bible Study group. Hearing the testimonies that other people shared, gave me hope that I am not alone in this as I was able to relate to their stories, hearing how they managed and how they were able to get past it.

This one time I was listening to a radio station and they were talking about depression and committing suicide, this one guy said during the day we walk around wearing these face masks for facade but as soon as we go home, we unmask ourselves and reality hits. To be honest, to have this facade that everything is ok during the day is not something that you do intentionally, it is something that happens automatically with you even realizing that you are doing it.

To make things worse, my mom passed away during the mist of all this and I didn't deal with these emotions because I am apathetic when it comes to vulnerability. I continued on as normal, and two years later, a good friend of mine also passed away. When the friend passed away, it awakened all the feelings and emotions that I have tucked away when my mom passed away, it all came back. Then my depression was at its highest level.

Previously it wasn't severe as I didn't have these voices, it was just this huge sadness. The more you allow it to manifest, the more it grows. I associated this with the kind of music that I listen to, I listened to sad music and it started to grow, the more I grew up, the more it just didn't go away until I got to "semi-adulthood".

Living a life without God is hard, at that time I didn't know it. I just blocked everything and then suddenly I started hearing these voices and they became vivid images. Tracing back to when I initially had depression, these voices were there because I couldn't sleep, at that time I thought it was just bad dreams. But these this time around it started happening even when I wasn't asleep, while awake. I'd get these images of me hurting myself, it started getting scary. I only started understanding what it really was when God re-entered my life but when it was still happening, I was just lost in the mist of my troubles and I wouldn't pray because there was this thing that would suppress me if I tried to pray. I knew what I wanted to say in prayer, but I just couldn't spit it out.

This certain day when I had these thoughts and images of hurting myself, even till this day, I am not sure if I was really going to do it or not but I recall having a conversation with God. I was just preparing myself that if I really end up doing it, I want to have a conversation with God first. I wanted to pray but then I remembered I couldn't pray, something told me to just speak to God and I poured my heart out.

After having a conversation with God, I was filled with shame and guilt for the things I have thought of doing and for not trusting Him. This is the scripture that gave me comfort:

[Luke 7:46]

You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet.

[Luke 7:47]

For the longest time I thought God has turned His back on me, only to find that He was just waiting on me to call on Him. During that conversation with God, I found myself reading:

[Luke 7:37]

A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume.

[Luke 7:38]

As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.

[Luke 7:39]

Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven —as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little."

[Luke 7:48]

Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."

[Luke 7:49]

The other guests began to say among themselves, "Who is this who even forgives sins?"

[Luke 7:50]

Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."

[Philippians 1:21]

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

[Philippians 1:22]

If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!

[Philippians 1:23]

I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far;

[Philippians 1:24] but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.

When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is —that she is a sinner."

[Luke 7:44]

Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair.

[Luke 7:45]

You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet.

What has really helped me with depression is holding on to His feet and holding on to everything that is Him. A part of me believes that if I let go, the voices will come back, that's a part of me that is just scared and a huge part of truly believes that I've already conquered this. Whenever the voices come back, I tell myself it's not it, I've already conquered it.

We face new challenges every day and they do bring back depression but we just have to believe that we won't be ruled by depression and it has no portion over our lives and it can never rule us. Only God has authority over us, nothing else. He cleanses out everything in our lives, including depression. It is important to truly devote yourself to God.

We know which medication to take when we have flue symptoms or any type of sickness. The same applies with depression, God is my medication, He's my healer and my everything. If you really want to beat this, you just need to let God in.