Portland Mercury's 2024 Valentine's Issue

Welcome to the Mercury’s Valentine Issue!

(Psst… We Adore You!)

BY WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY

Yes, YES, YES… Valentine’s Day is just another capitalistic ploy to put money in the pockets of greeting card companies, flower shops, chocolatiers, and—okay, maybe newspapers who are desperate for advertising in order to fund journalism because too many people refuse to pay for it online. HOWEVER! There is yet another inescapable fact you should be aware of:

THE MERCURY TRULY FREAKING ADORES YOU!

And now’s as good a time as any to sing our feelings of love and adoration for you from the closest mountain top. For going on 24 years, you’ve been reading and supporting the Mercury, and I’m just as shocked as you that we didn’t fold after three months. And the primary reason we’re still around is because of YOU. Despite the near-constant negative messaging from the city’s undeserving ruling class, Portland is a beautiful place with beautiful people who are in, what I call, the “Give a Crap” club. We give a crap about kindness, generosity, justice, and EVERY person who lives here—regardless of their station in life, or the shitty hand they’ve been dealt.

And because you give a crap, we also give a crap. That’s why we work hard every single day to bring you tons of news, entertainment, and laughs. Because you, as a citizen of crap-giving Portland, deserve the best we can achieve. You are worthy, your opinions matter, and we hope you can learn to love yourself as much as we and your friends and family love you

And that’s our theme for this year’s Mercury Valentine spectacular: Loving oneself and each other (and having fun while getting there)! We’ve got articles

about the tricks you and your boo can use to keep that LTR lasting as “L” as you can, some simultaneously sweet, sassy, and just downright WEIRD clip ‘n’ send valentines that your equally freaky partner will love, a hilarious run-down of Valentine story ideas that did not make it into this issue, and even the best bars and restaurants around town that are perfect for breaking up (if it comes to that… because we want you prepared for anything).

But most exciting of all? It’s another lovey-dovey, smoochy-woochy, and nether-tingling edition of the Mercury’s Reader Valentines! We’ve been publishing your valentines for FREE every year since we’ve existed… because it’s such a fun, romantic way to show the whole goddamn city how much you love that special person (or pets or food) in your life. So thumb through the pages and see if a valentine from your cuddle-buddy is in this issue… and if not? Check out the Reader Valentines online at portlandmercury.com where there are hundreds more, and YES… you can still submit your free valentines online, all the way up to February 14! SO LET THAT SPECIAL PERSON KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ALREADY, WHY DON’TCHA?!?

We hope you enjoy this year’s edition of the Mercury’s Valentine’s Day issue, and carry the love we have for you into EVERY day of the year. Thanks for reading, and forgive us if you catch us staring longingly at you for a little too long—when it comes to you, we’ve kinda got a crush!

Your eternally adoring pal, Wm. Steven Humphrey Editor-in-Chief (He/him)

Editorial

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Wm. Steven Humphrey

NEWS EDITOR

Courtney Vaughn

ARTS & CULTURE EDITOR

Suzette Smith

NEWS REPORTER

Taylor Griggs

Art & Production

ART DIRECTOR

Anthony Keo

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT

Dave Caplan

Cover

Jordan Kay

Corianton Hale

EverOut

MANAGING EDITOR

Janey Wong

FOOD & DRINK EDITOR

Julianne Bell

MUSIC CALENDAR EDITOR

Audrey Vann

ARTS CALENDAR EDITOR

Lindsay Costello

CULTURE CALENDAR EDITOR

Shannon Lubetich

Advertising

SALES DIRECTOR

James Deeley

SALES OPERATIONS MANAGER

Evanne Hall

SENIOR ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES

Anna Nelson

Katie Peifer

Business

COMPTROLLER

Katie Lake

COVER ART

Illustration by Jordan Kay jordankay.com

Design by Corianton Hale

Events & Media

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR

Tracey Cataldo

MARKETING DIRECTOR

Caroline Dodge

EMAIL MARKETING SPECIALIST

Tonya Ray

DIRECTOR OF VIDEO PRODUCTION

Shane Wahlund

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

Christian Parroco

PRODUCTION & MARKETING COORDINATOR

Taffy Marler

Savage Lovecast

Dan Savage

Nancy Hartunian

Technology & Development

VP OF PRODUCT

Anthony Hecht

SENIOR DEVELOPERS

Nick Nelson

Michael Crowl IT MANAGER

Grant Lewicki-Hendrix

Bold Type Tickets

CLIENT SOLUTIONS MANAGER

Diana Schwartz

CUSTOMER SOLUTIONS MANAGER

Kevin Shurtluff

PROJECT MANAGER / CLIENT SOLUTIONS REPRESENTATIVE

Campy Draper

CUSTOMER SOLUTION REPRESENTATIVE

Katya Schexnaydre

Circulation

Matt Stanger distribution@portlandmercury.com

President & Publisher

Robert Crocker

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 8:

‘TIL

DEATH DO US PART

No, seriously. How do people make long-term relationships work?

BY COURTENAY HAMEISTER

Idon’t remember ever having faith that love lasts forever. In my teen years, it became pretty clear that my parents never should’ve married, as evidenced by the fact that they had almost nothing in common and barely spoke to one another. They weren’t mad at each other, they just had nothing to talk about. I imagine they both prayed constantly for a weather event just to jazz up the day’s conversational menu.

Due to my family history and my partner’s relationship history, even in my current nine-year relationship, neither of us is really sure of anything. If one of us walks through the patio door at the end of a workday to find the other standing in the kitchen, we say, “Oh. You’re still here? Cool! Do you want to order dinner then?”

Because I am clearly not good at this and I

would like to be, I went to my version of the experts: friends in marriages that 1) had lasted and 2) I still admired; as in, they didn’t appear to hate each other and/or you couldn’t read a Moby Dick’s worth of subtext in every exchange they had.

I spoke to five couples who have been together from one to almost six decades; their combined relationships adding up to approximately 150 years. I also looked to the work of an actual expert on this subject, Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and world-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction.

The interviews and Gottman’s work had some shared themes, which I’ve outlined below. So if you’re also trying to figure out how this whole “let’s agree to love each other until one of us dies and also not end up in a true crime documentary” thing, read on!

Learn to listen generously.

Not to start off by getting too heady, but there’s a moment on The Kardashians where Kris Jenner is sitting with her daughter/client/meal ticket, Khloe, about to tell her yet another story from her youth.

“When I was a flight attendant…” Kris begins.

“Hold on, hold on,” Khloe interrupts, holding up one of her stiletto-nailed claws.

Kris waits.

Khloe clears her throat and pauses.

“Just trying to muster up the ‘I give a fuck’ energy for this, so I need a second.”

We’ve all had these moments with our partners. We’re just usually not that vicious about it.

Whether it’s a rant about feelings we can’t relate to, another complaint sesh about an aspect of their life they hate but will nev-

er change, or a work story that makes you want to claw your eyes out just so you can feel something, we’ve all been Khloe at least once, and—let’s be real—we’ve also been Kris (sans the super-villain shoulderpads). Part of the battle is remembering that last bit so we can be emotionally generous when we’re on the other side.

If there’s something they’re excited about that you don’t understand, try to understand it. Ask questions that may help you see what they see. Or, take it apart a little to parse out some aspect—any aspect—that might excite you about it.

And if the subject of discussion is that they’re hurt, angry, sad, or confused by something you’ve done or said, don’t “listen back on your heels,” as one friend put it, waiting to pounce with your brilliant defense.

“When she’s feeling any of those ways,”

my friend K says of his wife of 10 years. “She’s not attacking me, she’s revealing a vulnerability. And all she needs is to be heard and understood.”

His wife, C, agrees. The key for her?

“Learning how to not be defensive, how to listen deeply and not be stingy with apologies,” she says. “In all of this is the realization of what wounded, punishing assholes we can be. We had to learn to moderate our reactivity to maintain a dialogue rather than engage in diatribes.”

But how did they do that?

Therapy, AKA, “For the love of God, get some help.”

Like some of the other couples I spoke to, they went to therapy, largely to learn how to fight constructively and avoid each other’s triggers.

I have friends who believe you only go to couples counseling to help you uncouple consciously. Not true. With the right therapist, Dr. Gottman claims counseling can improve communication skills and conflict resolution as well as teach couples to turn toward each other instead of away, as many couples tend to do when they’re navigating rocky territory.

One of Gottman’s most important tenets of a healthy relationship is accepting “bids”—essentially the “yes, and”-ing of marriage.

Pay attention to whether or not your partner responds to your bids and vice versa. Bids can be tiny, but accepting them can be powerful and healing. Rejecting them repeatedly can lead to emotional distance, contempt or even outright conflict.

Conflict: It’s a family affair. In my friends’ responses to my questions, no subject was mentioned more than their families of origin.

“Both my partner and I grew up in families that fought a LOT,” my friend L, who has been with her wife for over 30 years, said. “So we both know our families are crazy… they’re just different flavors of crazy.”

Dr. Gottman claims counseling can improve communication skills and conflict resolution as well as teach couples to turn toward each other instead of away.

He defines a bid as “any physical or verbal attempt for attention, affirmation, affection, or connection.”

In a healthy relationship, the partner responds to the bid, no matter how small. Gottman illustrates this with what he calls the “Bird Bid Theory.”

“Oh, look,” a man might say to his wife at brunch on an outdoor patio, “That bird is just like the one we saw on Maui.”

Now, his wife may not give a flying fuck about that bird. Maybe they all look the same to her. Maybe she’s deeply engrossed in her eggs benedict and all she can remember about Maui is that the $500-a-night hotel they booked didn’t have air conditioning and HOW DOES SOMEONE BOOKING A RESERVATION NOT ASK THAT QUESTION???

But if that relationship is still in a good place, she’ll look up from her poached revelry and say, “Ohmygod, it does! Maybe it’s the same bird! Or maybe it’s one of those robot birds and it followed us back to the mainland to get the codes.”

“What codes?” her husband might ask. “I don’t know,” she may posit. “Someone’s always looking for codes.”

And then suddenly they’re in a conversation about why they still use thumb drives in spy movies when the rest of the world has moved on to SSD technology.

If she rejects the bid, she either ignores the bird comment and rolls her eyes or instead reminds him of his air conditioner gaffe and now they’re fighting again.

Gottman broadly categorizes conflict resolution styles into three types: avoiders, validators, and volatiles—in other words, those who avoid it, those who seek compromise, and those who confront it head-on— and traces those dynamics back to their upbringing. In other words, their family’s flavor of crazy. So when you’re in conflict, consider where your partner is coming from, both figuratively and literally. In fact, the next time you’re embroiled in what seems to be an intractable argument with your partner, do this simple exercise: Look at your partner as they steep in their vexation with you, and picture their entire family standing behind them. Parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, their cousin Rick who always seems to be holding a Hamm’s. Because they’re there.

Maybe your partner gets defensive and yells at the tiniest disagreement or criticism. Thank their family of origin.

Maybe they clam up completely and avoid conflict altogether. Thank their family of origin for one of two things: either raising them in a conflict-avoidant household (probably in the Pacific Northwest) so it’s all they know OR raising them in a family that flew off the handle so often that they learned to bend themselves into a tightly-wound pretzel of unexpressed anger, then served themselves up on a silver platter like warm, chewy communion and smiled quietly when their family mentioned they could use more salt.

This happened to another friend who’s been with her husband for over 25 years.

“I grew up in a house where I thought fighting was the path to divorce, so I always tried to keep the peace,” my friend P said.

Because her partner openly dealt with conflict, she became more comfortable being drawn into difficult conversations, learned to clearly communicate her needs, and started standing up for herself. She made it clear, however, that she never could’ve done that in a relationship she didn’t feel secure in. And she felt secure because thankfully, those who are adept at healthily expressing negative emotions can usually do the same with positive ones.

“He’s just generally more emotionally

available than I am and forces his love and support on me even when it is uncomfortable for me,” she adds. “That really filled a void in me. After a while, I surrendered to it and understood that is what it is to be loved.”

If you and your partner find yourself getting into emotional gridlocks often, Gottman has many tools to help get out of them. One I love is to start with your solvable conflicts so you can ease your way into the ones that feel more complex. This tactic is the “add the task you just finished to your ‘to-do’ list just so you can cross it off” of conflict resolution. He also recommends learning to live with unsolvable conflicts, which might feel avoidant to many. Gottman claims it’s possible as long as both partners understand the other’s point of view, even if they don’t agree with it, which makes sense. In my experience, empathy can be a magic wand that reduces contempt. It won’t work for all issues, especially for people who love to dig in. But it’s something to think about.

(who recently had a hip replacement, to help with the standing) what they did to make it.

“I think every 10-12 years of my life, I changed somehow,” D said. “And the fact that she also changed and these two changed people were somehow compatible seems a bit like magic.”

But then he thought a bit more about it.

“But looking back, maybe some of the ways each of us modified our personalities was in an attempt to continue accepting and growing with the other.”

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to accept that even with all your flaws and at your worst, someone still actually wants to be around you.

“Roll With the Changes” isn’t just an REO Speedwagon song. In the mid-70s, my parents had a close-knit group of friends in our sweet middle-class neighborhood in Shaker Heights, Ohio. All the wives would trade hosting cocktails at their house, sometimes with the husbands, sometimes without. On one particular “without” night, my mother got home and crawled into bed at 3 a.m. The following morning she awakened, deeply hung over, to my father sternly informing her that she needed to come with him. She put on her robe and slippers on the fly as he led her out to the snow-covered driveway where his ‘66 Mustang was parked. He pointed at the front of the car.

“What is this?” he asked.

There was a small bush attached to the grill of the car. My mother did remember jumping a curb briefly on the way home, she just didn’t realize there had been a landscaping casualty.

“Don’t drink and drive” is life-saving advice, both for humans and shrubbery, but it’s not the point of this story. The point is that when my father married my mother, she was a demure, self-proclaimed “good girl” who excelled at raising children and throwing beautiful parties. But the social and political ideals born in late 60’s counterculture finally reached middle-class housewives by the mid-’70s and she and all her previously perfect housewife friends now attended women’s encounter groups, aspired to be doctors and therapists, and swore (and, periodically, drank) like sailors.

Thankfully, my mother was only ever a social drinker and never drove drunk again, but she would also never return to her formerly domesticated self, which didn’t bode well for her marriage.

Out of their friend group of five couples, one marriage survived this profound shift. Recently, I asked the Last Husband Standing

Seeing your partner change may trigger fear in you—fear that the more they change, the more likely they are to evolve past you. This is because humans aren’t 90 percent water as scientists say; we’re 90 percent self-loathing.

If your partner accomplishes the remarkable feat of changing for the better in any way, it is probably not an active attempt to either show you up or evolve to the point where they can finally trade you in for a sleeker, more high-performance model. They’re just doing the same thing you are— trying to lower their self-loathing percentage to… honestly, even 83 percent would feel like a relief, wouldn’t it?

So do what Gottman recommends: embrace the inevitability of change, support your partner’s goals enthusiastically, and, if necessary, revisit your shared goals if you feel your partner is shifting away from them. (Please see earlier discussions of bids/birds, conflict strategies, and Learning Not to Listen Like a Dick for help in how to approach this conversation.)

Learn to accept love like a boss. This is the last, and most important, bit. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to accept that even with all your flaws and at your worst, someone still actually wants to be around you.

My friend J described the lowest moment in her life. She had just lost her sister.

“I was splay-legged on the kitchen floor, crying,” she said. “Snot-crying, really. Longstringy snot-crying, and gravity was trying to pull me into the earth. I felt skinned alive.”

“You are so beautiful,” her wife said. It was the last thing she expected to hear.

“She still saw me when I didn’t even know what I was anymore.”

This is the place we all aspire to. Not just being the partner who is so full of love that you see beauty in snot-crying, but being the partner who is open to the fact that you might be beautiful every minute of every day you’re alive. J learned to love herself enough to, as she said, “always take the rope my wife offered me.”

“When I feel dumpy or stupid or just lame, she still sees someone she loves,” she says. “What works about that is that I am committed to hearing and believing her, even when she loves me for no good reason at all.”

“For no good reason at all” is the best reason to love someone I’ve ever heard. ■

A THOUGHTFUL SPACE TO TREAT YOURSELF AND THOSE YOU LOVE WITH HOLISTIC SKINCARE, BODY CARE, ARTISAN JEWELRY AND CERAMICS.

MY TOP SIX REJECTED

VALENTINE’S DAY ISSUE IDEAS

BY ELINOR JONES

Dear Editor, I’m excited for the opportunity to contribute to the Portland Mercury’s Valentine’s Day issue! I have a ton of incredible article ideas, and you can totally trust what I have to say, as I am something of an “expert” on love. You remember those rock trolls from Frozen? Yeah, those mossy fuckers have nothing on me. That’s why they call me Dr. Jones—I’m a PhD in love, and that stands for PASSION, HEARTS, and DATES. Prepare to be dazzled by this cupid’s quiver of fanciful February frolics!

Or whatever! I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. I have been in my current relationship far too long to care, and there are plenty of other days to feel romantic when restaurants won’t be so crowded. So honestly, I’m kind of over this cash grab of a holiday. However, I’m never one to pass up a cash grab of a writing opportunity. And so here are some stupid pitches for your dumb Valentine’s Day issue:

1) Okay, you know how Portland hipsters love their tattoos? What about a whole piece on unconventional love tattoo ideas? People will eat this up. Like, what better way to tell your sweetheart you’re “head over heels” than with a tattoo depicting Oregon’s own record-breaking high jumper, Dick Fosbury, who revolutionized the sport by being the first person to jump over the bar backwards!? “Head over heels,” get it? Valentine’s Day romance should never be subtle. Or remember in Forrest Gump, when young Forrest couldn’t find a seat on the bus because all the other kids kept saying “seat’s taken”? Why not get that quote tattooed across your buttcheek? Your lover will love admiring your rear and your commitment to a 30-year-old movie reference.

and an article about ideas for that would have a variety of options, since platonic girl-to-girl gifts are wildly different than the romantic type. If a girl’s bestie played with her hair for 20 minutes, she’d love her forever. (That she would already is beside the point.) If any man offered to braid a woman’s hair, she’d change her phone number. Same with how women can lovingly re-gift a candle they got for Christmas that was expensive, but not in her preferred scent family; a gal pal would cherish that partially-used candle from a friend, but would throw it straight into the garbage if it came from a romantic partner. (I almost said she’d set it on fire, but candles—that’s what they do. It wouldn’t work.) Note: This article could come across as problematic, because it does take a regressive position on the existence of the gender binary. Also, a lazy reader could mistake these ideas for something to try in their hetero relationship, which would be a one-way trip to singledom. Not that I care, but I don’t need any negative feedback on my work.

5) Nobody makes mix-tapes anymore, but Spotify playlists are a great alternative, and I could round up some lazy options for love songs. Send your boo a link? That’s romance. Who needs something tangible when you could have a gorgeous QR code? I’ll work on this playlist regardless; I think I’ve got a great point of view.

2) Continuing with this idea of unique gifts—because lord knows buying stuff is the direction The Man wants us to go here—I could write a round-up of gifts for your partner based on their love language. Say your cutie’s love language is “time.” Easy. Get ‘em a CLOCK. It doesn’t matter that everyone just uses their phones to tell time now-

adays—needs and wants don’t factor into the equation on Valentine’s Day. Or, if you want to be more practical, and if their love language is “acts of service,” and if they grew up in Oregon and are still intimidated by gas pumps, simply take them to a service station (AKA gas station) and flex your muscles while filling their tank. Carbon emissions may be killing the planet, but they can’t kill your relationship, right?

3) Or what about a piece on easy Valentine’s décor? I can phone this one in without even breaking a chocolate-induced sweat. You can easily find rocks that are

kinda shaped like hearts; simply collect some, and then place them on your bed in the shape of a heart. They’ll forget rose petals even exist! Easier yet, say you drop your socks onto the floor into an arrangement that resembles a heart. Leave them there, and boom, you’ve decorated. This one is also great for if a reader has a piece on the side: They can take a picture of the dirty socks and send it to the slice in lieu of a dick pic. Now you’re a multi-tasking romantic!

4) If this issue needs something about “non-romantic” love, Galentine’s Day from Parks and Rec is now a legit thing,

6) I suppose I could also write up a list of restaurants that would allegedly make great date spots—although doing so would require going places, or at the very least, learning about places I could go, which is far too much effort for whatever freelance payment I’m getting out of this. So, nope, not doing that one.

Reminder: None of these ideas can possibly be any worse than the sincere stuff people are actually putting together, and “not the worst” is about the best you’ll get out of me for this dumb holiday. If any of our readers object, we can always remind them that this paper is free.

Best,

Elinor ■

GABI GONZALEZ-YOXTHEIMER

♥ PUDD Couldn’t have made it this year without your love! Grateful for you everyday. Love, Burt

♥ CASHMONEY You make my flower flourish. When I think of you, my lips pulsate with desire to lick your face. Please keep the mustache.

♥ ANTOINETTE, my sweet little cupcake, queen of all my dreams. Here’s to many more years of doing things differently. Thank you for every moment. Love, Christopher

♥ GROND Grond! Round my pallid heart, seven walls and seven gates stood. Who could breach them? Grond! Long was your forging, Deep is my longing. Grond!

♥ ADDI Volim te, I love you for what you are and have become. We will go to the coast when Oregon decides to be warm. My promise.

♥ PORTLAND We’ve been through a lot together. I’ve been with a lot of cities, but you’re the one I can’t stop loving. Let’s hold hands and kick ass. *smooch*

♥ ZACH & JORDAN I always carry you in my heart & think of you a million times a day. You two are my sweetest memories & hope to make more soon. Love always, Mom

♥ MAGGIE There’s no way I can stretch my arms wide enough to measure how much I love you, but these arms are open for you every moment of every day!

♥ BONE Our “Special Arrangement” was OH SO ORGASMIC I’ll forever wonder why you strayed. Sad it’s really over, good things rarely withstand the test of time.

♥ TANNA BANANA 18 years gone by now, it’s hard to believe. Let’s go back to where it all began. I’ll show you the beach! Sup?

♥ RAFAEL In a dimension where gummy bears govern galaxies, and talking cacti recite Shakespeare, our love is the peculiar anthem of the cosmos.

♥ MY BOY COLTON You make my world sane,safe & always FULLY REALIZED. I am honored to be YOUR SIR. As we continue on our journey & experiences-LOVE LIGHT JOY & PEACE!

♥ MY OC GIRLIES I’m glad you exist. And that we can relive 2004 together all year. <3

♥ CATH You’re my butch dreamboat forever. I’m so glad I finally found you. Will you be mine? (No promises on Wordle or Scrabble tho

MercuryReader Valentines

See if someone loves YOU! (Lots more online at portlandmercury.com!)

Fireplace You have my heart, Your Space Cowgirl

♥ TETRA I love you so, I’m sorry you’re one winger right now but you’ll always be king chickadee of my heart!

♥ GABAGHOULS I’m tortellini in love with yous! I cannelloni only live so long without yous. Like unrinsed spaghetti good friends stick together <3

♥ B Even though your people colonized mine, I still love you more than potatoes and beer. Here’s to getting dumber and hotter together! Love, Big Ham

♥ BABY LEIF You are the definition of sweetness and joy – and the beacon of love that our world needs. <3 Auntie Sara

♥ NATASHA How’s that goal of 35 going? PS, I’m haunted by every black Camry.

♥ BEN You are such a sweet, thoughtful, and creative man. You are my favorite happy sloth.

♥ DANNY Over the green hills of Central Park, across the USA -our love bounds forth my Hero!

♥ ALEX Through good times, through bad, our love is the best thing we could’ve had. I’ll be by your side as you’ll be by mine, from now until the end of time

♥ BIG D U make me so goddamn happy U were worth the w8 I love ur bad jokes & hairy son that kicks me in bed I think our love is fit 4 print I love U Big D

♥ PEACHES YOU ARE THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME AND I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON, NEVER CHANGE. I HIT THE LOTTO WHEN I FOUND YOU!

XOXO VIOLET

♥ YOUR SONG.. Your gentleness is a blessing on this earth. You bring calmness and joy through your heart onto others I’m so thankful for you in the world. Love you

♥ JACKSON Mi amor, te amo muchísimo. You are tender, caring and intelligent. I adore you and am very lucky I get to spend sweet days with you.

♥ WENDY You’re wonderful so far and it’s more than I hoped for. I intend to hold you for the longest time-tho please stop beating me in Wordle and Scrabble <3

♥ MOOGZ I love your adventurous spirit and drive to conquer every goal. The goose and I are proud of you. Stay driven. Stay swoll. BSO. I love you.

♥ STU My dear first husband, A tanka to show my love. After thirty years, Second husband list unused. Your work is exemplary.

♥ LIZ Will you be my BFF Maybe Someday? Love, Nikki

♥ VICTORIA Happy Valentine’s Day Boobee. I’m glad you are my Valentine, and let me be as goofy as I possibly can be. I hope you have an amazing day. Your Beeboo

♥ B-A-B-Y Baby, ooh baby I love to call you baby Baby, oh oh, baby I love for you to call me baby. When you squeeze me real tight You make wrong things right...

♥ TREVOR You have the biggest heart, so big you had to give it to two women, lol. Happy Valentine’s Day. Love you forever.

♥ NOELLY POELLY OLLEY You are my sunshine! I love the way you make me laugh and how cuddly you are! Luv U Forever & AlwaysLittle Bear

♥ T Killers of the Flower Moon Turmeric Ginger Tea Bowls of Noodle Soups Nights under your

♥ BOBBY LEE I love you and your soft hewn face, your accent, your charm, your sense of adventure and fun, and your tush.

♥ KING DARIOUSH, May every day be like a holiday. I love you!

these days. You bring me warmth in love. Gerich veleth nín

♥ CHRISTINA To the Beauty of Boot Camp, Mommy of Magic, her Highness of Harnesses, Princess of Pillows, Queen of… Queening: I’m loving it all, especially youuuu!

♥ CAITLIN You are the jelly to my peanutbutter, it’s better when we’re smashed together. I adore you more every day. -J

♥ NICK I don’t think I’ve ever looked forward to waking up until I met you. Seeing you every morning makes me excited to fall asleep next to you. I love you!

♥ FRACTAL Love you- you help me purr and strive for perfection! Never get enough of you - let’s fly more! You are the best DEAL! XOXO flighty Katie

♥ SCHATZY We met at a goth picnic 22 years ago and I’m still batty for you. I love to travel the world, you and me, Punk Rock Girl. Love, your Vampire Sloth

♥ BEN I just really miss you. I’m dating new people but I haven’t found anyone who has made me laugh or could soothe me like you did. I hope you’re well. <3

♥ TRUE LOVE “True love will find you in the end This is a promise with a catch Only if you’re looking can it find you ‘Cause true love is searching too”

♥ OLIE Can a gay girl get an amen? Love, your wife.

♥ MELINA I adore you. You’re a treasure and I want you to know that I love and appreciate you. Also you have a very cute butt. Like, seriously, a great booty.

♥ SARE memories with half-lives that exceed this lifetime, not waiting, not wishing, and always for you

♥ JESSE You are my favorite person in the world. The universe probably. We’re basically married so…yes?

♥ BUDDY Thanks for these years of love, cuddles, and companionship.

Lil’ Does and I agree you are the best. WE LOVE U!

♥ NATHAN UWU Just wanna say I love you so much!! Happy third Valentine’s Day together, can’t wait for many more! Love, Sal uwu

♥ LOVER BOY Like a Subaru, our love has a strong rear end, gripping tight to every corner and curve. Happy Valentine’s Day to my favorite ride! Xoxo, Princess

♥ HUNNY I am Catwoman, this much is true, my life has been better, since I met U. I luv ur brains as much as ur body, so can I take u out & buy u a hot toddy?

♥ ROS You are the anchor that keeps the ship of my soul moored to the shores of this life. I am so in love with you. Happy 3rd anniversary, my valentine!

♥ PK No love from above Ice not nice Frozen in with dog & wife The two BEST things in my life Your always in my heart We’ll never be apart I love u 4 ever!

♥ CALEB My love for you does not wane I think about your strength, kindness, humor and love often

♥ FROGLETTÉ You’re hotter than sin, sweeter than honey, and you brighten every piece of my life that you touch. It’s January 25th and I’m so in love with you.

♥ FAOLAN & RUNE Our love is my lucky joy every day of the year, I adore you both to the moon! Also, hooray for Feb 15th, aka: discount chocolate day! Love, m2sE

♥ TAJ, How my life has changed because you’re in it. You are the sweetest, sexiest, coziest love of my life. Adoration and love is what I have for you! Muahh

♥ ROBIN G, MI AMORCITA I swim out to sea for your deepest love.I have not saved breath for the way back.Only onward until I am close enough so your eyes close with my dreams

♥ LARISSA You mean the world to me your as lovely as can be I’m so glad you became my wife, the day you said I do changed my life

♥ DEAREST ONE LYDIA Happy Valentine’s Day darlin’. Thank you for being my forever Valentine. Here’s to 2024 bring us both more love and peace. Stay cute! Love Mom

♥ CHAVA Happy Valentine’s Day my beautiful daughter! Know you are much loved by so many. You bring so much joy to me. I am blessed with YOU! I love you, Mom

♥ VAUGHN I give you my love today and forever. Please take this as an apology for the nickel ad. xo Cricket

♥ CHARMIAN Our weekends together have been the best times of my life, I hope we never stop. I love you. I love you. I love you.

♥ ROBERT After all these years, and all these beers. Love you <3

♥ AMYD I fell in love with you when we were friends and now I get to love and be loved by my best friend! Best birthday ever. You make life so much more fun!

♥ JOLENE (AKA GOOBY) You’re my best friend in the world. To be love is to be changed, and you have changed me for the better. I love being girls together with you <3

♥ PEANUT HEAD I’ll let you smell my feet forever. Love you mucho. <3

♥ JOHNNY-O 10 years, babby! What a rollercoaster ride! Let’s have a shot and a nap <3

♥ LISA from one bee to another, I’m so glad I was wrong about my name

♥ BUBS Thanks for putting up with all my stinky farts. Love, Lubs

♥ HOLLY My ride or die. The coolest girl I’ve ever met. There’s no one I’d rather be in a coven with. Will you be my Virgo valentine?

♥ BRX What’s cookin’, good lookin’? Happy 20 to u my sweet babboo!

♥ ASTARION i literally dropped out of college to play baldurs gate 3 full time because i am so in love with you, my beautiful string of 1s and 0s

♥ RACHEL Happy Birthday and Happy Valentine’s Day to the bestest bestie in the whole PNW. Cheers to you Girlfriend! Love and Kisses, Mags

♥ STEPHEN To My Love Dragon. Our love is hot and on fire. I love our mystical adventures. Your love and hugs are Amazing. I will fly around with you anywhere.

♥ SALTBURN why did you do all that nasty stuff?! Was that REALLY necessary???

♥ SNUGGLE BEAR How has it been 10 years of tender, loving growth and connection? There’s no one I’d rather do life with. You’re really the best. Love, Panda Bear

♥ WEEZIE! Your Poodle loves you, yes he do! (And Happy Birthday, to you know who!)

♥ NIK AKA BEBE Roses are red, violets are blue, but you’re like sunshine from which they grew. V-day is cheesy like this poem, so let’s be easy & cook at home.

♥ DAVEY Every day is Valentines Day with you my gnomey! Smooch smooch smooch - Your Sweet Love

♥ B(USY)B(EE) I don’t know what will happen, but I hope our future is filled with more agates, hot vegan gos, looong nights, food adventures, bouldering. xoxo ilysm

♥ JAS <3 JAS <3 JAS Hello Beautiful Man Jas! I love you! Baby Unicorn You Are Rare & Precious To Me! You Are Loved & You Are Loving! I Wish You So Much Love & Healing

♥ TAPPY Is it unconditional love or are you just using those expressive brown eyes to loosen my grip on that treat bag? Either way, I love being your person.

♥ PATRICK MY LOVE It’s year 10 of Valentine’s Day for us, and I’m still madly in love with you. Grateful for this wonderful life of adventure and friendship and love.

♥ DANNY I louvre you. Best year ever.

♥ CHAD We can still build this dream together. No one’s gonna stop us now.

♥ MATT I saw something in you. You made me feel seen and heard. I hope we can see each other again.

♥ LIZZ The past 3+ years have been amazing. Here is to many more years together. Thank you for being who you are and allowing me to be me. I love Bacon

♥ DALE You’re my forever love and I’m so grateful to have found you. Be mine today, tomorrow and forever. I love you always hottie!!

♥ WEED I fucking love smoking weed.

♥ NIKKI-BO-BIKKI Love you so much, Rando. You’ll always be my favorite partner xoxo -Boo

♥ KRISTEN I see the signs of a lifetime, you ‘til I die. Me and you were meant to be in love. ilysm -LL

♥ YEN “Sleeping over” in the front room is has become my favorite weekly ritual. You are unreasonably amazing <3

♥ CLAIRISSA Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you go. HVD, Rickroll edition. Miss you more than you can imagine. I need a haircut! Love, Buzzcut #2

♥ KYLE Our first Valentine’s as a married couple. Look at us, who would’ve thought? ‘Til death, baby! -KStu

♥ AVOCADO CHRIS Holy Guacamole! If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be ripe.

♥ LUCHOOOOO I hope you and Nibz are well! I’d move all the mountains in Oregon if you’d give us another chance? TQM! Tu eres el amor de mi vida. Te extraño! <3

♥ CHRIS Please don’t quit being so awesome and hot all the time. It makes it hard to get things done, but I love looking at you. Love, Jen

♥ JOHN I love you like the dogs love popcorn. Be mine, forever. XOXO

♥ GARBANZO Oh how I adore three! With you, every Graunch is filled with glee. Garbanzo, you are my little bean. Love, your first follower, your Maggie

♥ MARIO I’m so glad my best friend no longer has feelings for you, you are not a good person and you do not deserve her! You should have treated her better

♥ EMS Happy vday !

♥ DARLA I hate your stinkin guts. You make me vomit. You are the scum between my toes. Love, Alfalfa

♥ HEATHER roses are red, our haters are just fans. i love you!Tardigrade

♥ Q- FOR QUALITY My sweet valentine of 20 years, I’m still a smitten with you as ever. Thank you for loving me so well, sugar. Happy Valentine’s Day, I love you hard.

♥ KATIE J Thank You for putting up with me for 25 years. Many years could not have been easy. I LOVE you and admire your creative ideas.

- Park Ranger

♥ MAYA I’m looking forward to another year of fun adventures together with our weird little family!

<3 -A

♥ BC You are the only cheese for me! Love you forever!

♥ TANIA Thank you for always being there for me when I need it the most. I love you forever Bebe.

♥ MR. WINKY You are my adorable bedfellow, confident, and above all- my friend. I hope time keeps us in good health and continued affection.

♥ IAN You are the cheesiest, most delicious slice of lasagna and my favorite indulgence. Love, Garlic Bread

♥ WANDY After the party it’s me and you.

♥ CUTIE wwwwoooootttt woot woot wooootttt woot woot

♥ SUZ Meow meow MEOW meow meow… meow? Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

♥ CUTE INDIAN DADDY Met for tacos, cocktails, you moved. Luckily I was crazy enough to say yes to living in an RV, traveling the west coast and getting more tacos.

♥ LORD_HAMERCY I thought I’d run out of time to find a crazy love compatible with mine. Then there was you, a date at Our Father’s Place, & a marriage! I love you.

♥ BABY TENDER LOVE Endless gratitude for your sweet lumberjack bod, your practical brain and your steadfast love to me and the girls. You are my favorite person. xo-BTL

♥ ALLIE THE AGILE In early morning with moons in flight, Cozied up throughout the night Hot Java flowing no matter the hours, Our love is brighter than meteor showers

♥ POLAR BABY, I love you like The Golden Girls love cheesecake. I totally drool when I think about you. And so on & so forth. After 20+ years, I assume you get it.

♥ DOOBIE DOOBDOOB, The best traveling companion I could ever dream of...You’re “very special”....and I hope that our journey together never ends.... Luffing you!

♥ COWBOY I owe the three best decisions of my life, as well as my lasting happiness, to you. And you still win the best butt award. Love, French Fry

♥ SETH Your smile and eyes delight me. I am so grateful to be loved by you. Let us va-voom through life together!

♥ JMF I think I miss you

♥ DEMELZA I can’t imagine life without you. You are the love of my life and I can’t wait to marry you this year.

♥ SEBASTIAN Happy Valentine’s Day to my podcast listening, UFC watching, video game obsessed hunk of a future baby daddy! I love you a lot. Xoxo Hayley

♥ HELLY We have been through so much; Not touching the sinful floor, string smoking, jailbird dog, fez hat, & trying jello with butterscotch. Love u helldawg!

♥ ALEC I’m so lucky your mom bribed you with a Playstation so you’d join the choir. Here’s to a

lifetime of close harmonies and picardy thirds. AAAAAAMEN!

♥ KRIZZIA I’m so lucky to love you another year. You make me the happiest and proudest man! Happy Valentines, my angel! I love you so so much <3

♥ MYA “you looking like a glass of MILK” - NLE Choppa muah, lover boy

♥ AUDEN Thank u for so dutifully tending to me in my sick bed. Hope I can return the favor as few times as possible over a long long time together.

♥ BRITTANY, You are and have always been my best friend. Im so thankful we have each other to rely on for this second half of our lives, a true happy ever after.

♥ SUNNY You are my favorite person on earth! Vada, Willoughby, and the Jeff’s couldn’t love you more, homie.

♥ RHYNO “You are a perfect husband and a perfect father. We will love you forever.” (from the goose, but I wholeheartedly agree) You da best.

♥ YOU This LOVE has me swimming in the ocean deep while floating in outer space. Human backpack cuddles and eyeball kisses forever, Boo. 789 for the 357!

♥ MOUNTAIN MAN You taught me the art of controlled falling- of dancing with fear over ice and snow- of riding through a storm and trusting you enough to follow.

<3

♥ JEFFREY THEVELCRODOG We’re so proud of you and the dog you’ve become. The world can be scary but you’re so brave...except when a leaf falls near you...or you see a shadow.

♥ CORINNE Thank you for your unconditional love & support. I’m a lucky guy to be in such an amazing relationship. Looking forward to many more years with you -R

♥ LOU Our friendship is everything, you make me feel safe. The “benefits” are also wonderful. I know that you love me but I also want you to choose me.

♥ YAYA The girl that I lament 4 The girl my money’s spent 4 The girl my back is bent 4 Is the girl that heaven meant 4 me! ILY 2themoon&back lyrics T Lehrer

♥ NORMIE You turned a country girl into a city girl. I’m grateful that breakfast at Heidi’s turned into the love of my life. ~S

♥ FRUIT TREES OF PDX You chlorophyll our hearts with love; if only we could reach every piece of sweet juicy fruit you have to offer. We are tree-voted to you <3

♥ A Happy Valentine’s day to my best girl in this world -C

♥ JOHNATHAN, I love you endlessly, and I will forever and always belong to you. My lover and soulmate. Love, your Special Girl and Princess.

♥ FROG I’ll never love anyone as much as I love you, Mister. And oh how you make me scream! -Your Princess

♥ LEE Even after 43 yrs., when you walk into a room my heart still skips a beat. You are a constant source of joy and calm. Friends and lovers for life. R

♥ GABBY What a year it’s been. I am so proud of you and cannot wait to see what the future has in store. I love you so much!

♥ B. YANKA WONKA In my dream, you are juggling orbs of light. Ojos abiertos, beyond the world of bread and circus. The universe winks and the cosmos giggle! -Sunflower

♥ POOKIE BEAR You’ve brought endless love, giggles, adventure and happiness to my life these last *almost* five years. I can’t wait for many more with u. Be mine?

♥ BB- Happy VD to my one and only! I Love you!

♥ SARAH Baby, I adored our Friday the 13th beach wedding. You are gorgeous inside and out. I look forward to our lives together. Happy Valentines Day!

♥ B~ Not a day goes by that I do not think of you and I miss you so much and I Especially miss our adventures, you can trust me, I never lied to you. J~

♥ ERIKA Olive Garden? Love, David

♥ MEL You are the light to my darkness. You are so beautiful, kind, and honest. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

♥ S.O. INSECTS Cute!! Let’s go to the strip club sometime. That huge pin doesn’t lie. See you at HUMP? 143 even if you don’t feel the same I love the mystery xoxo

♥ FABIO DE MAYO Still down to go past the ends of the earths, my love. So glad our tails are entwined. Let’s make that moon.

♥ MATCHA MANSION I love this big green house and all the babies in it! This sisterhood is so special and rare I’m so grateful to have found myself here <3

♥ B-RAD You’re the best thing I’ve ever found on the internet. I love you! Xo Linz

♥ SMUDGE jus so ya know, it isn’t a competition with Theodore. i’ll always love you just a bit more!

♥ JESSIE You throw it back like a champ even after all these years <3

♥ MISTER E Met in a tea shop Your songs and love can’t be beat ‘Cuz you are the feet!

♥ L, Thanks for the unexpected visit, thought I’d never see you again, I’ll never forget you. You’ve saved me many times. Maybe in another life… - A

♥ ANNE We’ve had a 20+ year amazing, calamitous, screwball odyssey, and now little Gus brings a whole new adventure. I love you with all my heart.

♥ NAVID!! roses r red riolets r blue u make me swoon and I LOVE U!!! p.s. i love watching shows and cooking and walking around and playing minecraft w u <333

♥ MRS. TOOTS I fucking love the fuck out of you! You kill me up with your hatred of Tom Petty and your love of Jimmy Buffet. You are my exact style!! I love you!!!

♥ BUNNI MUFFIN Daddy loves you very much. You make every day better and you take good care of me. Looking forward to hugs, kisses and a CAKE dessert.

♥ ST00BIE B00BIE Happy V Day to my favorite (almost) daddy. I lubb you more than anything and appreciate every bit of you. You’re my person <3 <3 - $hort Dog

♥ CB Stealing time, blow my mind, you so fine, walk the line, bust a

rhyme, lemon and lime, my Valentine, we just ride. -EL

♥ K I love us. You said it best, our love has been so damn sweet. I will always love you and be home for you I feel seen and understood like never before.

♥ KURTLEDOVE You are beautiful like a thousand rainbows, and bright and warm like a perfect summer day UwU

♥ PORTLAND We fell in love in the 90s--fate kept us apart for years but finally we were united in 2010! Times have been tough but our love is stronger. XXX OOO

♥ LAUREN You make my life complete, and I know I don’t say this enough, but I LOVE YOU!!!

♥ SNOOPIES You are a heaven sent gift to me! You’ve made my life better and are the most generous and loving person I know. Thank you for being my sweetie pies.

♥ ME We’ve been down a tough road and here we are still. Thanks for loving me & being patient with my healing. Grateful to me. Love, Me.

♥ CHEF JESS Happy Valentine’s Day Honey, I love you more than anything in the whole world, Will you be my valentine this year (and all the rest?) Love, Your Girl

♥ RICKY RICH You’re the love of my life. Let’s do the damn thing already and be the power couple we’re destined to be. <3 love u to the moon baby xo forever yours

♥ ORALIA You’re the sunshine Portland needs. xx

♥ Near, far, wherever you are… Happy v’day, mate

♥ FRANKO HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! LOVE, SUZIE & FRENZ

♥ BUBBA GUMP L-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-love you ‘til I die/With my chin up high/ Fuck ‘em all, fuck ‘em by. You’re the handsomest scumbag I’ve ever known & I love you madly.

♥ TURTLICIOUS 9+? years of nuggie love & our love keeps growing! May we rub our booties and bellies together till the sweet end.

♥ AUDREY AND BRANDON I miss you guys. You will always be friends in my eyes. Let’s make up and become acquainted again. There is so much I want to tell you about. Josh

♥ REED From silence, to exchanging words about love, there is no greater feeling than knowing you’re my soulmate. I love you! Xoxo, Kay

♥ MR. G I’m glad we met. Thanks for writing note. You’re kind, fun and smart. So enjoy my time with you. <3 yummy and fuzzy <3 Ms H

♥ BOO Here’s to the best 20 years together xo Emmos

♥ JEFFY From now until forever, I love you. MB.

♥ AHOY! Permission to board, cap’n?

412 NW 11TH AVE

♥ SANA BANANA Our love could be a voting adult, soon it will be able to rent a car, but it will always be forever. Love ya babe!

♥ YUCK I will forever be in shock in how I landed such a catch as sweet as you.You’re the reason I stayed in Portland, despite how miserable the rain is.ILY

♥ B- From a rainy October night in downtown Portland to 26.

TWENTY SIX! Hooooow? But let’s keep going.

♥ EMILY Happy Valentine’s to the Top Wife in the Wife Game. Love, Tony

♥ TOTO/SOAPY You slay zombies & chop all the ingredients! You speak Birds & my love language. U Are always down 4 Blackrock & a good driving-adventure. Hap v day.

♥ SWEET MAN E I love you everyday and in every way…(almost). We will make this year even brighter and better. Millie loves you too XOXO Love Chewbucca <3

♥ HOTTIE & LIZMEISTER Love you guys so much, Life is easier with you, Many years are left!

♥ DARRIN, MR.B & MOOSE The sweetest of my peas, I love you so much!!! <3 Sarah

♥ GAGE Happy 1.416 years being together! I love you! :) -J&D

♥ SALLIE UWU Happy Valentine’s Day to the best person I ever met. You always make me feel loved. I feel lucky every single moment that I get to spend with you!

♥ STEVEN JAMES BUNNY, From OR to the UK to CA and more, you’re the one I truly adore! So grateful you are in my life & I hugely appreciate you. Clink! I love you!! XoXo

♥ MEINE SCHATZIE, Our steal away to the desert sealed the deal. Fifteen years and counting. I love you to the moon and back. Your Kitten.

♥ SABWEENER Baby boy will be here any day and I’m so excited to share this next journey with you. I love you so much and I’m so very ready to see us be parents :)

♥ SASHA I love you so much! It’s been almost 6yrs since the best first (week long) date ever. I am 4ever obsessed with you loml!! xoxoxo yr bbg

♥ TANYA Thank you for your unwavering support through the hardest year of my life. I love you more than words can describe.

♥ BABYSIZE Loves my sweetest sweetie Babysize even though you will be in Vegas on my birthday (and I will be in Phoenix on Valentines Day)

♥ ASHLEE Thank you for being the Michael Jordan of being a massive ho. I love you.

♥ LAURA Thank you for opening up my world and being a model of beauty and empathy. Every day with you is a warm, bright one. You are my proudest moment. -Sab

♥ ADRIAN Mijn schatje I cherish you with all my heart. Your warmth fills me with light. Thank you for your kindness, affection, wisdom, and humor. Forever, V

♥ SPENCER Being married to you has made the last 6months the sweetest of my life. I love you, I adore you, I obsess over you! I’m in this for life. 5EVER XOXO

♥ VINNY Happy Valentine’s BeeBoo! Every day with you is fun and silly and that makes me so happy. Thank you for being you. Your BooBee <3

♥ ARAN You are loved, muffin top. Happy Valentine’s Day.

♥ BUNNY I’d choose you a thousand times over and another thousand after that. Thanks for being my Bunny. Love you, Bunny Bear

♥ CHRISTINE From our first date that spanned three locations and at least a couple of walls (IYKYK), you have been a light in my life. I love you. Aaron

♥ CHRISTINA KURUCHAN Love you on both sides of the Pacific and beyond.

♥ CORINNE Thank u 4 your unconditional love and support. I’m one lucky guy to be in such an amazing relationship. I look forward to many more years with you <3

♥ BABY CAKES I love you and can’t wait to go on more hikes and aventures with you. Hope you see all the big birds you can this year. Love, Leesh

♥ ZACH, MY SWEET LOVE It’s been quite a journey so far. I look forward towards what is in store for us yet. I’m grateful to have found the love of my life to share it with.

♥ AMY C. I am so grateful for every moment we spend together. Being next to you is my favorite place to be. I’m so lucky I get to call you mine. XOXOXO John

♥ CALEB I am completely obsessed with you, you’re so sweet, funny and loving. I want you forever and always, you are my missing piece, my perfect match<33

we first met and I briefly forgot who you were. Yours Hopefully Forever.

♥ JONATHAN Thanks for being my favorite dance partner! I love the way you move me. I’m so grateful to dance through this life with you. Love, Rachel

♥ KEI In this heavy world, every moment cherished with you is a gift. Our ever-growing love makes life beautiful

♥ DOLCE You are sweet like candy. Your nude body with the chest tattoo is eternal beauty like the Italian statues of Goddess. I want you in my arms again

♥ MILOTIVICH My dear sweet Milotivich, You are the sun, lighting my world with endless joy. I am forever grateful for your love.

♥ BABY D I love you always. Thanks for continually shining your glitter rainbow light upon this work. Mwah!

♥ WIFFLER I’m not tidy, And I snore like a log. You make me dinner, But I eat like a hog. I have mirth that’s lots of fun, I’m out of letters so now I’m done

♥ TREEJAY out of billions truly you are my person. A just so fact that keeps me believing in the magical and whimsey. Grumpy old man butt

♥ ALISON Hey my Rockstar Girlfriend! Cannot wait to get all the way into 2024 with you and scoop out all the best bits to share. Love you so much! -Ryan

♥ BORT Thanks for all of the worms. Will you ever framble another egg? I love you (slightly more than) the cats. - E

♥ LIZZ The past 3+ years have been amazing. Here is to many more years together. Thank you for being who you are and allowing me to be me. I love Bacon

♥ MONKEY A decade in you’re still better than a ball of yarn & saucer of milk. Thanks for bringing home the bananas. From now til forever

<3 your Kitten

♥ DDDJJJ666 Liebe Liebe

Liebe how I love you! The most astounding love! The warmest sweater love! The Crispiest Ambulance on the floor love! The love that whirls!

♥ COWBOY I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be when I open my eyes to see your face in the morning light. May this continue to be our best year yet.

♥ PHILIP W/ THE ‘VETTE I love you! Can you believe we’ve been together for 19 years this year? What?!?! That’s crazy!! You’re the best and mean so much to me. Shake & Bake!

♥ OLD RAT Boss bitch gonna work, gonna snuggle day zoomy pup. Let’s flop together forever with our little family. You’re the best hot milf a man could have.

♥ KICKSTAND COMEDY Life has been great since we started our little fling. We love being inside you. See you at our usual time. -BG

♥ SNOW, You’re my favorite, my baby, my booty. Love is gay.

♥ MICHAEL With all my heart I love you. You have been by my side through the toughest year and still have shown me compassion and love. Be mine forever?

♥ JEREMY From East to West, I love you. Through all that life throws at us, we have, and will, be each other’s person. Always, J.

♥ GROG What a big hammer you have! Swoon. love, Tulipa

♥ HEATHER I knew I loved you the moment I saw you two years after

You make my days brighter, and I can’t wait to see what our future brings. I love you!

♥ JUNEYROONEY We love you more than the sun and stars, We are so glad that you are ours. Love, the they/them aunties.

♥ BELLA, This Is Yet! It will always be Yet when I’m with you. I love you.

♥ TESSA I’ve known you my whole life and have never loved you more. Thank you for loving me too.

♥ HENDO JASOooooN DERULOOOOooo! Valentine’s Day, Babygirl! Love you with all my heart, peanut.

♥ ELISA Happy Valentine’s Day babe! Love you so much <3

♥ MSSIGN You’re my favorite cinnamon bun. I sore you. Daytime romps forever, please

♥ JAMES You are my love. You are my joy. You are my safety. Thank you for taking care of my heart.

♥ SESSEY MAN 20 years of lust, love, joy, happiness, and adventures. How about those raiders? I am up for another 20! Love you more every day.

♥ RYAN In the dead of winter, The leaves, golden with sun The birds, a choral backdrop Your laugh, embraced my soul -A memory in technicolor from Mt Tabor

♥ DIRK You moved away over 5 years ago. I am so happy you are back. I have missed you more than you could ever know.

♥ KNLNFL You’re the light to my dark, the peacock to my llama, the vino verde to my margarita. You’re my best friend and I love you so much! <3 B

♥ GRASSHOPPER (AKA B) just keep moving forward in any way you can, even if it feels like a trudge some days (or years). gang’s all here for you. love you to bits <3

♥ RACHEL Ever since our eyes locked across the dance floor, you’ve kept my heart groovin. Here’s to a couple million more songs together baby--I love you!

♥ PIE I love you because you are my best friend and you know me so well. You claim me when I am crazy. You support me when I fall. You are the best Dad too.

♥ LULA LOVE In all the world, there is no greater love than what I have for you. You are my sunshine, my kissing fish and my stars. Keep shining brightly mi amor.

♥ FRANCIS You got my attention when you ruined a dinner party and you stole my heart at IKEA. Thank Goddess for Christian Music Festivals. Your Cat.

♥ ELLIE MAY May you have a great Valentine’s Day. Love as always. Grandpa Carl

♥ DERRICK My darling dung cleaner for our rescue animals. I don’t care how you smell, you are my true Stinky Sweetie!!!

♥ METRO All egrets. No regrets. Til the end of time. Can’t wait to see a condor together. I love being the worst with you.

♥ KYE Happy Valentine’s day to my man who hangs the moon -C

♥ JAMES E I’m so grateful for you and the life we’re building together.

♥ HEMLOCK, You’re killing me. But as painter of Katamari, dance partner of Devil/Death, and maker of Raven and Rose, dying has never been so lovely. Side hug :)

♥ PORTLAND Love you from beer to bridge, music to mountain, pod to protest, Timber to tree, wine to weirdo, and everything in between. Rain on me for life, sexy!

♥ SELINA You once lamented that your partner won’t let you peg him. I wanted to offer myself but didn’t want to mess up our friendship. But my butt is yours.

♥ KYLIE It is a joy to live with you. I love you and your bright orange energy. Thank you for getting me out of my comfort zone and let the cat out more. <3 U

♥ BICYCLE BOOSTER 3 months of shitty weather & still biking. Proof that I overcame my fear of being left cold, alone, and wet. Our love is not just a summer feeling.

♥ DAMIAN People recognize you as the Voice of Beer. I recognize your voice from long ago- a soul connection. I like you I love you I wanna have a beer with ya!

♥ CCC Darling Colleen, you light up the room like you light up my life. I will love you forever. Together we can do anything, let’s find joy in 2024 -Stevie

♥ EZRA You showed me what love tastes like, and like any delicacy I should savor it upon my tongue and caress upon my lips every chance I get.

♥ ANNA MAE G. I’m so lucky I get to love you brunette mommy. Ur armpits smell soo good. Luv to be ur mini dragon maid. thanks for making me so lucky lucky

♥ EARTHWORM Thank you for being a wonderful teammate and working so hard together at it this year. Let’s become vampires and keep it going FOREVER!

♥ DARRICK You’re the froggy to my lily pad. Looking forward to when it’s just the two of us.

♥ DANI 10 years on, and I’d still bury a body for you. Happy VDay, love.

♥ TELEGRAM SAM You’re my main man! 18 years of joys, laughs, voyages, ugly crying, and “here’s the thing” soapboxes. All this? I couldn’t, without you. Fr’evers.

♥ SHELLY Thanks for coming into my life and helping me experience a healthy relationship. I have so much gratitude for us and look forward to our growth XOXO

♥ NICK I am so happy to be sharing this life journey with you for over 20 years now. Here’s to more adventures, laughter, and love.

♥ TREY DAY My numero uno mos fave dude. You are the most wellrounded, epic human, your superpower is in your extremes. Don’t ever cower to your own greatness!

♥ BOO X 2 You are the best. Best at loving me, being kind, and showing up for us. Not me, or you, but US. You are the light in my life and I

LUV U BOO x 2!!!!!!

♥ JOSHIE Whatever we are, you make my heart go “Bob.” I’m so dang glad you exist in the world and I get to exist at the same time. Love you like crazy cakes

♥ LOVELY You are 18 going on 36, you’ll always be my number one! I am 20ish going on 38, baby I sure am young! Here’s to another 17 years of being Valentines.

♥ NATEY NATE Here is to another year of pretzeling our naked bodies, entwining our lives, making art & making love. You are my erotic fuel! 2b your muse Eleanor

♥ RYAN Two more Valentines until we can celebrate together in person. Absolutely worth the wait.

TGIF

♥ RAE I love you very much. Thank you for being my girl and trying so hard. You’re my person and I can’t imagine what it would be like without you. P

♥ RISIN I love how I can speak aloud all the weird thoughts that come to me & you have something cool to respond with. You’re my personal Elliott Smith Smith

♥ SAINT M. If there is a peace of heaven on earth it’s you singing at the top of Mt. Tabor. Last summer you were my golden hour. Love, K.

♥ JAMIE Thanks for being gay with me. Fucking swoon <3

♥ BEN The Megan Fox to my MGK, so glad we met that fateful karaoke evening and can embark on this silly little intercontinental romance together.

♥ TAYLER WORKMAN Love you boo

:) So proud of you for following your heart and dream completely these days! - Your Robbie & Stevie

♥ HC From the first Stare-Day by those amazing eyes. You’ve had me memorized about you. You’re an incredible woman that I want to get to know more. Jamz!

♥ BRUSSELS SPROUTS MAN

Thinking of you, always. xo.

♥ SCOTT It’s been a wild and wonderful few months! Even though I think Valentine’s Day is lame I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you. Xoxo

♥ SHANNON You know you are my person even if you drive me crazy- after a 1/4 century( actually more)! You are still my valentine. I love you. c

♥ ZANE I love you so much I’d watch Morbius again. <3 S

♥ ELLA Marrying you has been the most exciting, scary, and fun thing I’ve ever done. You will always be my silliest goose!

♥ BLYE I love all of you with my whole heart. Don’t ever change, boo.

♥ NARCISSIST Lol..you tried to break me! I broke the trauma bond instead. I don’t want u anymore & life IS better without you, boy bye. I love ME now & not u.

♥ TRAVIS, No more wishy-washiness…I’m in it to win it! Let’s be a family. I love you, Travy. Happy Valentine’s Day! xoxo, Melissa

♥ MELISSA I love you, ya little gremlin. I can’t wait to do somethin’ cute and touch your butt today (and everyday)

♥ HILLTOP BIRDIE Your love burst me wide open. Sent my atoms spinning through time and space into this place where we get to be together. I will savor every moment.

♥ FAVIOLA Yo make me feel warm and fuzzy and you have the biggest heart, I’m so grateful to be your boyfriend and share my life with you. Love you forever.

♥ CHASE “How much do you love me, my dear?” “as I love my life.” “better nor all the world.” “Why, I love you as fresh meat loves salt”

♥ M You are so wonderful and weird for me. 13 years is not enough, let’s go for the high score!

♥ PYRAMID How the time flies!

Together we’ve laughed, danced, wined and dined… happy Valentine’s Day to all these loves of mine. Yours truly, Vicky

♥ BROTHER BRUCE We LOVE the work that HOMEpdx & Clay Street Table volunteers share with us in feeding the hungry. THX Partner!

-Your friends at First Christian Church

♥ JUSTIN Here’s to our evergrowing big world (population: 3). I love you sweet husband!

♥ FURBY You are our special baby, the glue of this family. We love you!

♥ DADA Thank you for warming up my gasagna and pushing me on the butt swing and belly swing. Gussa, Leftyboy and I are so lucky to have you. Love, Roobaby

♥ CHET I want to give you shaken baby syndrome; throttle you. You have driven me crazy, a few times. Yet here I am, writing into the ether.

- Love Catwoman

♥ GRACE Roses are red, violets are blue, this is the last Valentine’s before I marry you! I love you more with each day, which is wild after 6 years! -Bubba

♥ TWO LETTERS I love you exactly as you are, even when you drive like a maniac. Stay classy hot stuff and I’ll give you all the pets as long as u like. Purr, purr.

♥ PANCAKE LORD The world is on fire; the sky is falling, and the foundation under us is unsteady. And yet, we have strength in each other, always. Love you forever.

you send the best memes and you’ve got such a cute butt. MY KRYPTONITE

♥ MON PETIT CHOU you know you got it when no flocon flocon can match yours. ta chou

♥ ROBERTO You’re the bees knees and the apple of my eye. I love you beyond words and adore you so much. Thanks for loving me and letting me love you. Xoxo,Holly

♥ OPIE Breaker breaker, This is rocket ship 27. Aliens fucked over the carbonater in engine 4. Im gonna try to refuckulate it and land on Juniper. <3

♥ GEORGE I love you very much, and you mean the world to me. You’re my everything!

♥ BELOVED BOWLER The best part of the day is coming home to you and curling up in your arms. You are stunning, handsome, brilliant, and you throw ball good. Love, Wife

♥ JILLY-PEÑO My love for you only grows and grows as time goes by. The life we’ve built together is better than anything I could have ever imagined.

♥ PORTLANDERS You stole our hearts! Thanks for your continued love & support for Portland Sunday Parkways. Can’t wait to celebrate community at the 2024 events!

♥ TIMUR I like you like I like my coffee, constantly inside me. When I see your perfect smooth hard cock it makes my big slutty heart explode. Love you!

♥ BLIXIE I cherish our sweet love journeys together, not to mention our cuddles with Susan & Oona too. Kisses and squeezes, always and 4ever. You’re the best.

♥ GREEN LANTERN Our love shines through brightest day and darkest night. I love you every day and every day still to come.

♥ CHICKEN LIPS What gross pet names we create to reflect a love so ancient, so cosmic, so very hot. You my angel, my love, are the best valentine gift of all!

♥ JAN The birth of our romance had rapture at its core! Glowing,bonding substance : More, more, more I implore!

♥ FWB I’m so happy we both have someone to fuck while we figure ourselves out. Best sex I’ve ever had.

♥ NEIL THE REAL DEAL What’s for dinner?Sushi?I’m full now, you know what that means, sexual situation. You hear me? Almost time for PinaColadas& a view of the beach. 12!

♥ MIKE Here’s to our whole decade of Valentine’s Days together! Love, Hana <3 Go, Team Binturong!

♥ TINY I LOVE YOU SO HUGE!

♥ POOTIE TOOT TOOT Shorty you’re my angel. Hopefully Prince is snuggling you in heaven. RIP

♥ LEEAH I’ve been in love with you since we locked eyes across the room while you were on a date with my roommate 18 years ago. My heart will always be yours.

n great laughs. That would be you! Happy V-Day

♥ MRS. C My sweet Love, thanks for hanging in there with me. Your heart is so generous. Now let’s focus on getting you healed. Xo mr.c

♥ HONEY-BAIR I love you so much! The last year has been a dream come true. I’m looking forward to another. I’m gonna get you! and your little dogs too! :-)

♥ JULIAN Thank you for making these last five years of marriage the most memorable years of my life. I’ll forever cherish your cheeky charisma and warm hugs.

♥ NOVA Such a Kool Kitty, you’re the cats meow

♥ BUMSQUATCH We’re multiplying for world domination and I love you so for this. xoxoxo

♥ KVO You’re the love of my life and the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Thanks for being the best, smartest, foxiest, most creative partner EVER!!!

♥ SCREEDLER You put all other men to shame! I’m so happy and in love after 15 years, you’re truly my best friend. I’m so proud of us.

♥ CK SMALLS You son of a bitch, I’m in. Love you.

♥ LA FIREBRAND MS X roses is red violets is blu I’d Love so much to See your thoughts @ NYT too.

♥ DJ MASHTUNE Indie pop, more like indie hot. Happy Valentine’s Day burrito boy! Xo 1K1E2L1Y

♥ JEFE I love you and will always laugh at your cringey dance moves until you die first! Love, Nubbin

♥ SWEET SAMPLE O’ MATT It turns me on when you spank my ass, play guitar, and get lost in the woods with me. I love you til stars ... Pinki Tuscaderro

♥ LOVEY You make me really happy. Thanks for putting up with the ADHD chaos I constantly invite. You’re a damn fine rock and I’m proud to be your wife.

♥ NYE @ WAH “Did you feel that?” Time stood still. I was water; your name dissolved in cosmic consciousness and my Irish goodbye. Saudade for a cairn on the path.

♥ VULVA GURU Through my fogged windshield the mechanic crew of unwashed and thirsty boys of Volvo’s Only descended on my car 15 years ago. Happy Anniversary Kevin!

♥ PAIGETOO Ur the best mama Archie n Louie Could ever ask for We love u alotta <3

♥ IZZY THE JUGGLER You are so kind, creative, and powerful. Don’t forget that you are worth the world and you are perfect right now and as you grow too! + U hot as F***!

♥ DENNIS & PEANUT W. I couldn’t do it without my beautiful big & small boys - Dudes rock!

♥ FRECKLE QUEEN you’re so dang cute, smart, thoughtful, and committed to being a good person.

♥ C Each particle of you glitters to me, miraculous and unfathomable.

♥ COMFORTABLY DUMB You 4 make life so joyful and laughter-filled. In awe of all your passions, values, and individualities, and I’m honored to be your friend! Love you!

♥ ROBBIE You are the best partner, cat/dog zaddy, and cook. Te amo!

♥ STEVEN Whether the weather be cold or whether the weather be hot, let me tell you now, I’ll tell you, I love you, a lot.

♥ EVAN You are the granola to my yogurt. The cream to my coffee. The nooch to my popcorn. The honey to my tea. Love you!

♥ AMANDA Love you tons hon! Thanks for being such a great partner! Super excited to hopefully upgrade TeamPancakes to a full stack in 2024. XOXO Chachi

♥ NE You are my very favorite lightning strike. Love, KE

♥ GUY(DADDY LONG LEGS) Feb 14th, we celebrate 14th months of our love. You’ve got the longest legs, the most patience and the best cuddlecore ever. Love you forever! -M & Z

♥ CHILD ADVOCATES I love what you do to protect and heal children raised in cults. Your efforts are helping Oregon make history in this arena.

♥ UNEXPECTED GAL PAL Platonic life partners Amirite? No, I definitely want to kiss your face. We’ll figure it out.

♥ JENNIFER From a slightly sleazy stab at seduction to full-throated (no pun intended) love n admiration

♥ PORTLAND You with misty streets and soulful skyline, that perfect blend of love and pain. I’m sorry I had to leave to see you clearly. Nest, warmth, home. <3

♥ DARLING WOOD WIFE ...There’s a full moon risin’ Let’s go dancin’ in the light…

♥ ZADDY LONG LEGS Baby Bean! Second V-Day together and I can’t wait for many more to come. I love love you! Thank you for loving me and my babies even when we’re sassy.

♥ BABY-A LABIA! Ur so hot, creative, silly, talented, and special. Love u! I have so much fun w you! Happy V day! Let’s eat chocky & puss. XO Biscuits

♥ ARTS FOR LEARNING NW Your work sending artists into schools makes my heart happy - students today deserve all the creativity and joy. Happy Valentines!

♥ MEG It’s taken over 20 yrs, but I’m declaring my love for you in print finally. My first editor, my 1980’s Portland unicorn, my wife. Happy V Day, Love T

♥ HEDGIE You are my favorite toy. I keep you in my mouth where it’s safe and warm. I will not destroy you like I destroyed all the others. Love, Jeffrey

♥ SNAGGLEPUSS We fight, we bicker and sometimes we light the wicker. How I love thee, let me count the ways. 100 is for being you, 99 is for when you’re blue, 98..

♥ MARYANN You’ve given me everything I could have wished for, and you’re my reason for everything strive to do. I wish we’d started sooner. Yours forever, P

♥ MY BB I love you soy mulch. It’s a privilege to be your partner and co-papa to the binch.

I FIND MY LOVE AWAKE

The Ram-ifications of Breaking Your Own Rules

BY KATHLEEN TARRANT

There’s no reason that I should have spent so much time this past summer thinking about Paul and Linda McCartney. Or listening to Ram, the only record they created together before Wings officially took off. Ram is great—arguably the first whisper of indie-pop. It’s a record that beautifully combines thinly veiled insults aimed at John Lennon with prescient bedroom production that allows room for what all artists in their 30s want to do—declare grandiose plans to go off the grid, and noodle shamelessly on a riff for over five minutes.

I was wondering on this record the same way Paul hammered on “Monkberry Moon Delight,” worrying its contradictions between my fingers like a locket that wouldn’t open. And it was all because I was breaking one of my big rules and falling in love with someone I had loved before.

I was terrified, so I turned to a familiar album for comfort. I returned to Ram as I was returning to a person. It felt right, circular, symmetrical. And I was right to be terrified—I fell in love all alone, floating like Chagall’s La Mariée through a dark blue familiar sky, a solo voyager utterly lost in a universe I thought I had already mapped. Then I was rejected.

It is strange to fall in love with someone you’ve loved and lost before—more of an exercise in dismantling your carefully managed plot points—and I made a rookie mistake early on. I thought I could keep things casual. I already knew things wouldn’t work.

I was older and I knew better.

This is why I had The Rule. It’s why I returned to albums, but not boys. It’s why Ram was on repeat.

Ram is a break-up album about the Beatles as much as it is a love letter to Linda and the life she and Paul would build on their little farm in the heart of the country before she passed away from cancer in 1998. Ram is an album written by a man who was swearing off his old life, all the while refusing to learn the age-old truth: everything changes, nothing remains, you cannot control who stays and who goes. He would learn that, because we all have to eventually.

I was brokenhearted, but everything felt bigger, better, more alive.

I never meant to make The Rule. Someone must have asked if I would ever date an ex, and I probably laughed and said “never” or “absolutely not” or something equally as self-assured. From that baseless, brazen confidence, I can carbon date this imaginary line in the sand to somewhere in my late twenties. That’s the age when we feel we know the most, when we’ve lived just enough to have some experience, but not enough to have learned life’s relentless disregard for narrative.

I believed the rule would protect me from falling for the same wrong person, from repeating mistakes and backsliding into comfort as I am wont to do. I rewatch shows and reread books and listen to the same albums on re-

peat. I thought I made the rule to protect myself from the insanity of trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. It just protected me from growing up. Only after breaking this rule did I learn how impossible it was in the first place. It’s impossible to fall in love the same way twice. Time had done its work. I fell in love with the weight of a shared history behind me, without the blinding sheen of a blank slate. I fell in love with who they had become, made clearer because I had loved who they had been. A love evolved more than a love regenerated.

We hold on to each other as characters so hard that we forget that the other person doesn’t just live in our head. My silly rule served a benign narcissism—it allowed me to grow and change and didn’t allow the other person to at all.

It’s all wrapped up in the idea that relationships can be gotten over, that you can truly ever wash your hands of a person when love twists threads of who we are with someone else like yarn. Love makes us adopt jokes, habits, worldviews. Loving someone helps us find our limits like puppies mouthing a hand until we bite too hard and learn what hurts. Love regenerates itself, spawning more of its terrible impulses until we go through a breakup, fall in love, move to the

country, and write an album that can’t decide if it’s happy or sad, hopeful or defeated. It’s the cosmos wrapped up in four letters, inspired by human beings. Maybe we don’t, and shouldn’t, ever get over anyone. Maybe to do that would cut us off from ourselves. Maybe we actually can’t. Paul certainly couldn’t on Ram , he couldn’t even decide what the core of the album was. It’s his bitchy little, “See, I’m better off without you” to John, it’s the earnest outpouring of total gratitude to Linda who had picked him up off the ground and reminded him that he loved music after the Beatles dissolved into legal fights. It’s performative and personal. It’s blustering and vulnerable. It refuses to be aware of its own contradictions and depth and as a result is made deeper and more resonant. It is an album for when we are coming into adulthood and deciding that we are going to make hard and fast rules and never be made the fool again.

So I got my heart broken, and I realized I was made the fool. Not because I fell in love, but because I thought I could flatten it. I was brokenhearted, but everything felt bigger, better, more alive. I got to see the evolution in someone, I had grabbed a cosmic thread and didn’t try to thread it into a rigid pattern. As I healed, the haze lifted, and winter closed in, I listened to a favorite album and heard it with new ears—love songs about making it up as you go, about letting go, about how silly and big life can get when we make room for all the people who can love us, hurt us, leave us, and come back new. ■

UPSTAIRS IS PERFECT FOR CASUAL DATE NIGHTS OR LARGE GROUPS. WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING

• Live Music Most Nights QR code or web for schedule

• Friday Funk Night w/ Soul Stew DJ’s / Magneto

• Monday’s Laugh Basement Comedy Showcase

• Local Art, Pool, Pinball, Great Food and Drinks

• Free Pool Sun-Thurs

• $5 Food HH 5-7 and 12-2am nightly

• Open 5pm - 2am 7 days a week

Atmosphere was so cool. Music was great. Drinks were delicious.

The comedy show on Mondays is so great! Goodfoot is a classic Portland spot.

One of the coolest bars in Portland with local art, such an incredible vibe

Hands down the best funky, dank and dark venue in the area.

Cool venue with great sound downstairs Always a good time!

One of the best bars/dance spots in town.

“IT’S

OVER. CHECK, PLEASE!”

While waiting for chicken at Reel ‘Em Inn

Here’s one if you’ve been together a long time and know this is gonna take a minute: that chicken usually takes at least an hour. Order a combo, settle in with a solemn drink, and take your time telling your partner—you no

tableside guac prep

Someone call Nathan Fielder, because this idea, provided by Palomar chef Ricky Bella, has The Rehearsal-level awks. It’s you, your unsuspecting boo, and the poor guy making a delicious bowl of guacamole at your table. Normally, I don’t endorse roping in service people to this kind of spectacle, but make it quick, keep them out of it, tip well, and enjoy the cringe.

111 SE Columbia Way, Vancouver; whosongandlarrys.com

Hubers during Spanish coffee service

There’s already a dramatic flair to the serving of flaming Spanish coffee at Portland’s oldest restaurant. Once again, you may be making this weird for the server making your coffee, but they’re here to make a scene as well, right? Warning: Be respectful while telling them you’re leaving—if your former flame throws a drink in your face here, it will be ON FIRE.

411 SW 3rd Ave.; hubers.com

Jojo

I checked with owner Justin Hintze, and he agreed. If you follow Jojo’s chaotic and hilarious social media, you’ll know a big old breakup in the dining room is right on brand for them. They love mess. 902 NW 13th Ave., jojopdx.com

breakup is going to be excruciating. At least you’re gonna get that chicken and beef combo to go.

5365 NE Sandy Blvd., dusgrill.com

Tiny Bubble Room

This one’s for if you have a shred of hope of still being friends after breaking up (why tho?). This Kenton bar has a great patio ringed by tables inside shipping containers. You’ll be cozy, mostly unobserved, and yet you’re still in public if this takes a nasty turn. I also really like their jambalaya. 2025 N Lombard St.; tinybubbleroom.com

Paymaster

Like The Tiny Bubble Room, Paymaster has a lot of little nooks in which to send someone packing with dignity. As an added kindness, why don’t you leave after breaking their heart? Paymaster’s cheap drinks and packed bar means they may get over you by getting under someone else—that night.

1020 NW 17th Ave., paymasterlounge.com ■

Reel ‘Em Inn

Jojo

MERCURY STAFF