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Christmas Mental Health
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———How to thrive not survive your first relationship Christmas puzzle
Dating
Basics Mama’s Boiz
Page 6 Page 10
Special Edition for Young People and Young Adults, even seniors.
Black people, let’s give ourselves the Christmas gift of good mental health and stop being ashamed and struggling. I have a friend that’s been depressed most of her life, and she’s too ashamed to ask anyone for help. As a single mother, she alone clothes and feeds her two kids. She just found out she’ll be laid off in a few months, and she’s had no luck finding another job. Her depression has gotten so bad, it takes every effort just to get out of bed, get her kids ready for school and herself ready for work. She just wants to sleep. This particular morning will be different. After she returns home from walking her girls to the bus stop, she’s considering taking a whole bottle of sleeping pills and ending it all. But she thinks about her children without a mother. Black people, we must talk about our mental health. This Christmas let’s give ourselves the gift of finding the courage to admit we’re struggling and need help. Many of us suffer, and yet we stay silent. The holidays can be especially difficult. With the pressure of buying and cooking that big holiday meal for all our relatives and trying to find the time and money to buy presents can be too much. None of thatmatters if we’re unwell. The present we should give to ourselves this holiday season is to get help if we’re struggling mentally so we have apath to wellness. Let’s stop shaming ourselves and each other for what affects so many of us in the black community. My friend’s 17-year-old daughter suffers from anxiety and depression. He encourages her to talk to him when she’s feeling
bad. He tells her there is nothing shameful about having a mental illness and she’s not“crazy.” As a teenage girl, her self-esteem is already low. As a black girl,she’s struggling with the racism and oppression she’s just finding out exists. Her mother, on the other hand, treats her mental illness like a shameful secret. She tells her daughter not to discuss it outside of the immediate family. And she herself doesn’t talk to her daughter about it. She’s ashamed and worried about how other people will perceive them if they know something is “wrong” with her daughter. Her shame at the stigma of her child’s mental illness is widespread in the black community. I tell this story because, as black people, we treat mental illness as taboo. We’re ashamed of it. We don’t talk about it. And that silence is killing us. We can no longer keep it a secret. The only way to get better is admit we’re struggling and need help. Even though we hesitate to seek treatment, statistically, black people are 20% more likely than white people to report we have a mental illness. This makes sense because we live in impoverished conditions at higher rates, and this alone can trigger a mental health crisis. Black women who are single parents struggling to make ends meet? That amount of stress challenges even the strongest person’s mental health. It’s a silent epidemic in the black community, and we’re not treating it. And without health insurance, treatment isn’t even realistic if you’re already barely making ends meet. And how can black people live under the oppression of systematic racism and not struggle with our mental health? So, we turn to our faith, hoping that will cure us—that we can pray the disease away. We talk to our pastor or someone else in the community. These can help, but working with a mental health-care professional is a key person on the team that we need. Prayer is crucial but a trained mental health counselor is a crucial member of the team. Often times,that means we
Sex and Healthy Relationships In a healthy relationship, both partners are able to express their feelings and respect each other’s boundaries about sex. You shouldn’t have to have sex to keep your partner. You may feel comfortable kissing or holding hands but not want to go any further. That’s ok. Deciding whether you want to have sex or when you should is a decision you should make when it feels right for YOU. In a healthy relationship, your partner respects your decisions, even when they don’t like them. If you are thinking about when to have sex, keep in mind: •You should feel comfortable with your decision. •Talk with your partner about safe sex practices, like getting tested for STIs and considering birth control options. •Be honest with yourself and your partner. If you’re not ready, that’s ok and your partner should respect it. •If something scares you or makes you feel uncomfortable, you can say no at any time. •You have the right to talk openly and honestly about your fears, worries and feelings. •If your partner tries to threaten or pressure you into having sex, it can be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. You deserve better. •No matter how long you’ve been with someone or how many times you’ve done something, you have the right to say no at anytime for any reason. •If someone won’t take no for an answer and repeatedly pressures you verbally, emotionally or physically it can be a sign of abuse. •You have control over your body, and no one else has the right to tell you what to do with it. Why is It So Complicated? Having sex can raise the intensity of emotions that people feel for each other — whether you’re in a serious or casual relationship. At times, this elevation is a good and enjoyable thing, but sometimes it makes a hard situation worse. It’s important that you feel ready and confident in your decisions about having sex. Even if you are in a healthy relationship and would like to have sex with your partner, some beliefs or expectations might make this decision more complicated. You and the people in your life might have different ideas about when or what type of sexual activity is alright and what is not. Here are a few ways this might happen: •In your culture or religion, it is expected that you wait until marriage. You might agree, disagree or be questioning this belief. •You feel that your friends or peers will not agree with your decision and you care about their opinions. You might feel like you’re choosing between what you want and what others want, yet you might also share some of the same beliefs. Just remember that you are capable of making your own decisions and creating your own set of values.
Learn to Communicate Only you know what’s on your mind, so unless you express yourself, the other person is only left guessing. Communication is always key to a healthy relationship, and the physical part of it is no different. It can be uncomfortable being completely open when it comes to talking about sex, even with a girlfriend or boyfriend. Still, it is important to push past that and let them know what you like, what you don’t like or if you don’t want to go any further. Encourage your partner to be open as well because it takes practice and patience. Learning to listen is equally, and possibly even more, essential to strong communication. When you show the other person that what they say matters to you, they will be more likely to trust you and listen to you in return. Sex and intimacy are strongly affected by how both people feel, so it really pays off to create a positive atmosphere. Break Out of the Box When people are not sure how to act in a certain situation or not sure what others will think is cool, they tend to try and be who they should be and not who they really are. A guy might be led to believe that he should have sex with a lot of girls and not get emotionally attached to them. On the other hand, a girl might be led to believe that having sex with too many guys is “slutty,” and that girls should “play hard to get.” Stereotypes like these can make it harder for everyone to be honest about what they really want and can also make them feel self-conscious. A relationship will be stronger and more real when both people can truly be themselves both inside and outside of the bedroom. When we question these “rules,” we respect our partner for who they are instead of who they “should be.” What is Sexual Abuse? Sexual abuse is any type of unwanted sexual contact. Forcing or pressuring someone to do something they don’t want or don’t consent to is sexual assault. No one should ever take advantage of you sexually when you are asleep, intoxicated or under the influence of drugs. This can be a very serious and dangerous form of abuse. Learn more about sexual abuse and what to do if you experience it. Call this 24-hour Crisis Line: 800-523-3666.
Dating Basics Frequently Asked Questions These are a few frequently asked questions about dating. If you have questions of your own or need more information, you can always chat with a trained peer advocates at NOAH free clinic office What is dating? “Dating” means different things to different people, particularly across generations. At NOAH, we define “dating” as two people in an intimate relationship. The relationship may be sexual, but it does not have to be. It may be serious or casual, straight or gay, committed or open, short-term or long-term. The important thing to remember is that dating abuse can occur within all kinds of intimate relationships. So, are we dating?
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Whether you call it “dating” or something else, both people should agree on a definition and the same ground rules for the relationship. Keep these questions in mind: Do you have romantic feelings for this person? Are you and the person you’re interested in both looking for a committed relationship? Do you hang out or go on dates without a group of friends? Is the status of your relationship something you’ve shared with others in person or online, like on Facebook? Do both people in the relationship agree that it’s exclusive? Does “hooking up” count? Hooking up is a broad term, but generally it refers to casual encounters between two people who can be friends but don’t have to be. They may or may not be your only partner and can include sex. Even if you are “hooking up,” your partner should not be disrespectful or controlling. You should be able to communicate your feelings without being afraid of negative consequences or abuse. Remember the rules for a healthy relationship apply to hook ups, too. How old do I have to be to date? There is no exact age when you can or cannot
Dating Basics Start dating? Many parents set an age according to their perspective, culture, views and beliefs. Consider talking to your parents, family and friends to see what their thoughts are. If you think that talking to your parents might be hard, start with your friends or other adults you trust. Ultimately, what matters is that you personally feel ready and confident to make this decision. But what if I’m not dating? There are other types of relationships that might not be considered dating that are just as real and that we can help you with here. Maybe you have a child with somebody but do not consider yourself to be in a dating relationship with that person. Having a child together could feel like more than just dating, or you might have chosen not to be together anymore; there is no one way that relationships must work. Another possibility is that you and your partner are married. Of course marriage is different from dating in some ways, but you might be surprised at how similar they really are! What makes a dating relationship healthy or unhealthy usually applies to marriage as well.
Is holding a grudge towards my partner unhealthy? Yes, holding a grudge against your partner is unhealthy, not only for your relationship but also for you. Holding grudges for a long time can result in building up anger, distress, doubt and a lot of other negative feelings that can make you unhappy and stressed. To maintain a healthy relationship, you need to be able to forgive your partner for their past mistakes. The other option is letting them go. Try to remember: being with a person you cannot forgive is not going to do either of you any good.
Is it unhealthy if I date someone my family doesn’t like? Dating someone your family doesn’t like can be really hard. It may cause conflict that makes you feel like you can’t be honest or even near the people you love. Consider why your family doesn’t like your partner or why your partner doesn’t like them. Remember that isolation and no one liking your partner are warning signs of an abusive relationship. We’re not “dating,” how can I be abused? Abuse can affect all types of relationships, not just longterm or committed relationships. Even if your relationship is casual or you’ve only hooked up once, you can still experience abuse. If something makes you uncomfortable, scared or threatened, you could be experiencing the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. Learn more about unhealthy relationships.
It’s common for people to not feel comfortable talking about their relationships, especially if they’re unhealthy. This is a hard topic to discuss, but talking about it can help. Here at NOAH Inc., we have trained peer advocators who are friendly, nonjudgmental and available 24/7. So feel free to contact us anytime and know that we’ll keep our conversations
must go outside of our communities, and this can be terrifying. As black people, we’re not used to talking about mental illness with anyone, let alone strangers. But keeping ourselves mentallyhealthy has to be our priority. Research suggests that discrimination causes black men to suffer from depression and self-esteem issues. They arefour times more likely to commit suicide than black women. This is a terrible price to pay for not getting help. Black men believe that mental illness is a weakness, so they hesitate to ask for help. Fortunately, there are places they can turn for support that specialize in working with black men. One such place is Brother, You’re on My Mind—a partnership between the national black fraternity Omega Psi Phi and the National Institute on Minority Health and Health Disparities. This organization provides resources for black men who are struggling with mental illness. Their tool kit lists concrete ways to support someone in crisis and information on hosting community events. If you’re an educator, use this website to educate schools and churches about how they can help. And let me say this plainly—there is nothing wrong with needing medication, therapy or both. Mental illness is a real disorder, and while some holistic treatments can help, don’t rule out more traditional treatments. If you’re prescribed medication, it may take some time to get the dosage correct. Let your health-care provider know how the medication makes you feel. Are you better or worse? Do you feel lethargic? Suicidal? Communicating with your doctor goes a long way in finding a medication that works for you. Unfortunately, finding a healthcare provider can be challenging for us. A recent study found that
mental healthcare providers are less likely totake on black patients. So even if black people seek help, we are less likely to find mental health-care providers willing to accept us as a new patient. But we have to keep trying. Once you find someone, interview them before deciding to let them treat you. The National Alliance on Mental Health suggests these questions: Have you treated other African Americans?•Have you received training in cultural competence specifically AfricanAmerican mental health?•How do you see our cultural backgrounds influencing our communication and my treatment?•How do you plan to integrate my beliefs and practices in my treatment? Don’t be afraidto ask aprovider for his or her credentials. Treat it like a job interview. Do you want to hire them? Are you comfortable working with them? Don’t be afraid to tell them what qualities you’re looking for in a mental health-care provider. My black brothers and sisters, we don’t need to suffer in silence. Let’s commit to asking for help so we can be whole, so we can be well. We owe it ourselves, so let’s give ourselves this gift. Also if you feel that you are relatively mentally healthy talk to and be a real friend to one of your friends that you see is struggling.
NOAH paper is compiled and distributed by North Omaha Area Health Inc. Questions or comments please write the Editor Ira Combs at 5620 Ames Ave Omaha Nebraska 68104, or email noahclinic@cox.net or call 402-933-0737
“1 in 2 Sexually active young people will get and STD before the age of 25” Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs, also called sexually transmitted infections or STIs) are very common. Every year there are more than 19 million new cases of STDs in the U.S. By age 25, roughly one in two sexually active people will get one. If you think it can’t happen to you…think again. Since STDs often show no symptoms, many of those infected don’t even know it. The only way to know if you or a partner has an STD is to get tested. Here’s the good news: all STDs are treatable, and many are curable. Putting off getting care for an STD can have lasting health effects for both women and men. Left untreated, some STDs can cause infertility (that is, make you unable to have children). Some can also increase your risk of getting cancer. And get this—already having an STD increases your risk of getting HIV and other STDs if you have sex
with an infected partner. If you notice any changes or irritations “down there,” or any unusual discharge or discomfort when urinating, you should see a health care provider immediately as these may be signs of an STD. However, not all genital infections are STDs. STDs can often be mistaken for common infections or irritations. For example, bumps like pimples or hair follicles on or around the genitals may be confused for genital warts.
Women often confuse STDs with yeast infections and other conditions. That’s why it’s important to see a health care provider, who can determine what (if any) STDs you should be tested for. Not everyone likes to talk about their sexual history. But, before you start a new sexual relationship, it’s a good idea to talk with your partner about your sexual history and getting tested for STDs. After all, you are not just having sex with your partner but with every-
one they’ve had sex with…and everyone they’ve
had sex with…and well, you get the point. It can be intimidating to think about, but taking charge and getting tested will help you take control over the situation.
Wouldn’t I know if I or my partner had an STD? The only way to know if you or anyone else has an STD is to get tested. You can’t always tell by the way someone “looks.” STDs are very common, and it only takes one sex-
ual experience to get one. Even more to the point: STDs, including HIV, often have NO symptoms. Zero. That’s right. So, many people who are infected don’t even know it! Want to
know for sure? Then Get Yourself—and Your Partner—Tested (GYT). Knowledge is power! Know yourself. Know your status. GYT.
Where do I go to get tested? NOAH Free clinic 5620 Ames Ave 402-933-0737
Charles Drew Health Center 2915 Grant St 402-451-3553
Douglas Cnty Health 1111 South 41st St 402-444-7112
“North Omaha Area Health in the community, for the community”
Public Health comes in many cultures and languages
MAMA’S BOYZ
Getting relationships and friendships in order.
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