Issuu

CAREER CONNECTIONS

Photo Credit: Trish Alegre-Smith for National Military Spouse Network.

October, 2017, Vol. 5, Issue 2

www.nationalmilitaryspousenetwork.org

TABLE OF

CONTENTS

Empowering Families Living Overseas

5 Ways to Create Sacred Spaces That Will Effortlessly Attract Success

An Open Letter to Aspiring Military Spouse Entrepreneurs

And the Crystal Ball Says … Invest

Fall Back in Love with Your Job

Fall Clothing Trends

I’m Back! Will You Hire Me Again?

In the Spirit of Cooperation

Job Hunting During the Holidays

One marriage, Two Entrepreneurs, Two Businesses and a Lot of Lessons Learned

Survival Skills: How Writing Sustains Me

Taste, See, and Feel Success

What Personal Challenges, Tragedy, and Conflict Can Teach Us No part of this publication can be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form without the written permission of the Publisher.

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Presidentâ€™s Letter BY

Sue Hoppin

ork. for National Military Spouse Netw Photo Credit: Trish Alegre-Smith

Thank you to everyone who joined us for our NMSN events this year! From the roadshows in San Antonio, Tacoma and Ft. Walton Beach to our Annual Military Spouse Career Summit presented by USAA, it was amazing to connect with so many military spouses around the country. We couldnâ€™t have done it without our fantastic partners: USAA, University of Washington in Tacoma, Armed Forces Insurance, Kaplan University and the Army Educational Outreach Program, eCybermission. Mark your calendars now to join us for the 2018 Military Spouse Career Summit to be held October 12th and 13th in Springfield, VA!

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MEET THE

EXPERTS

CAROL BOWSER is the president

JANET FARLEY offers military

SUE HOPPIN is the founder and

of Conflict Management Strategies Inc. and is an expert in workplace conflict - what creates it and how to resolve it. While she HATES arguments, she loves maintaining sanity and increasing production by jumping into conflict to fully resolve it. “…What I really like is listening to people’s stories and working outside the legal system to repair workplace relationships…” She received her law degree from Seattle University School of Law and her Mediation Training through Pierce County Center for Dispute Resolution. Carol is a speaker, trainer, and consultant for employers on how to avoid workplace conflict.

service members and their families her own brand of straight-forward career management and job search advice. Janet is the author of the Military-to-Civilian Career Transition Guide, 2nd Edition, the Military Spouse’s Complete Guide to Career Success and she writes the JobTalk column for Stars and Stripes Newspaper. She is also the Home Front columnist for the Military Officer’s of America (MoAA) and contributing editor to BradleyMorris, Inc.,’s Civilian Job News. “… As a Marine Corps brat and Army wife... making that positive difference for military service members and their families seemed like the right direction for me…”

president of the National Military Spouse Network, a consultant on military family issues and the co-author of, “A Family’s Guide to the Military for Dummies”. Before founding the NMSN, Sue served as the first deputy director for spouse outreach for a military affiliated non-profit with a 375,000+ membership. She is a recognized subject matter expert on military spouse and family issues and has spoken to audiences nationwide ranging from installation career events to leadership training sessions and national conferences.

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Sue holds a bachelor’s degree in international studies from the University of Denver, a master’s degree in international relations from the University of Oklahoma and a post graduate certificate in non-profit management from Georgetown University.

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JOYCE NEAVE is an authority on

AMY SCHOFIELD ACWR has been

FRED WELLMAN is a retired

fashion and style. Joyce has been empowering clients for over twenty years. As the owner of That Mom Inc, and now JOYCE NEAVE style group, her work has been featured in the Washington Post, theWashington Times, Washingtonian Magazine, and Bethesda Magazine among others. Joyce has been featured on WUSA9 News highlighting her wardrobe consulting practice and providing viewers with valuable insights.

in the recruiting, career coaching, and resume writing fields for 10+ years. She has provided resume development strategies to job seekers worldwide with various backgrounds and experience levels. In April 2011, Amy launched Schofield Strategies. She has appeared in numerous media sources delivering resume tips, including GI Jobs, Business Talk Radio, Reserve and National Guard Magazine, Army Wife Talk Radio, and Blue Star Families. Schofield Strategies was the recipient of the 2013 Military Family Member Community Heartbeat Award. Amy holds an elite Academy Certified Resume Writer credential.

Army officer turned serial and social entrepreneur. He is a graduate of West Point and the Harvard Kennedy School serving 22 years in the Army as an aviator and public affairs officer and four combat tours. He is the Founder and CEO of ScoutComms, a B Corp communications and advocacy firm focused on veterans and military families. He and his wife Crystal also co-own Ladyburg Bath and Body Apothecary, a growing handmade bath and body retail boutique with located in Fredericksburg, Virginia.

Joyce styles both women and men and is a consultant for several media companies, associations, newspapers, and online magazines. Joyce and her team keep clients current with fashion trends while maintaining a classic, timeless look. Joyce Neave style group collaborates with a network of professionals providing a wide range of services including makeup artists, hair stylists, menâ€™s grooming specialists, photographers, and our preferred tailors.

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In addition to serving as the Entrepreneur in Residence for NMSN, Fred also serves on the National Board of Directors for the National Desert Storm War Memorial and the Board of Advisors for No One Left Behind.

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MEET THE

EXPERTS

JULIE WATERS was lucky enough to choose a career that easily transfers between employers as her husbandâ€™s assignments moved them from city to city. She holds a special interest in career building for military spouses as she feels it is important to have something personal outside of our military lifestyle. Over the last 13 years, Julie Waters has held various Human Resource positions starting her career at FHC Health Systems in Norfolk, Virginia, then moving to Landrum Professional Services in Pensacola, Florida, Cambridge Health Alliance Physicians Organization in Cambridge,

Massachusetts, and the Military Officers Association of America in Alexandria, Virginia where she served as the Director of Human Resources. Julie currently resides in Spokane, Washington where she is the Human Resources and Operations Manager for a law firm. Julie was born and raised in Washington State. She graduated from the University of Washington with a BA in English and earned an MS in Human Resources Management from Troy University. She is also a certified Professional in Human Resources.

DR. KRISTA WELLS is a certified professional coach dedicated to empowering military spouses. In her private practice, she focuses on improving her clientsâ€™ health, increasing their wealth, and strengthening their relationships. In addition to her private clients, Krista offers keynote speeches, workshops for organizations and military bases, and writes for various military publications. She recently launched The Military Spouse Show podcast in an effort to expand her reach and connect with the broader military spouse community.

Interested in writing for us? Contact us at info@milspousenetwork.org 6 | NMSN Magazine

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Mette and Bob Beecroft (former U.S. Ambassador to Bosnia and Herzegovina) spent a lifetime abroad and making history. A visitor in their home would find photos like the one below (Beecroft with Yassir Arafat) in the den next to other family photos.

Photo Credit: Trish Alegre-Smith for National Military Spouse Network.

Empowering Families Living Overseas INTERVIEW WITH DR. METTE BEECROFT

any years ago, my mentor, Dr. Janet BreslinSmith (then spouse to the US Ambassador to Saudi Arabia) attended one of our early summits. After listening to the sessions, Janet encouraged me to open up the aperture to include State Department spouses because they shared similar career challenges due to their transient lifestyles. Fast 8 | NMSN Magazine

forward a few years later….once the Smiths returned to the States, Janet introduced me to the incomparable Dr. Mette Beecroft who had long been advocating for State Department spouses. The conversation started with defining “Chief of Mission” versus “SOFA” status in trying to determine when military spouses might be eligible for State Department resources

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and programs, but quickly moved on to other issues to include global employment trends. We spent a wonderful afternoon delving into the history behind the Family Liaison Office and its parallels to the DoD Military Community and Family Policy Office. We wanted to share an excerpt of our conversation with Mette. The answers have been truncated to save space, but you can find the whole interview at www. nationalmilitaryspousenetwork.org. Tell us about the Family Liaison Office (FLO). Why do you think it came about? Interesting to note that the 1972 Directive bears similarities to the Blue Ribbon Panel commisioned by the Secretary of the Air Force and the Chief of Staff of the Air Force in 1987 to “examine the subject of spousal expectations and contributions”. The creation of the FLO reflected what was going on in society. In 1972, the “feminist revolution” was beginning to take form. In that year, the Department of State (DoS) issued “The 1972 Directive”, which stated that Foreign Service (FS) spouses were private individuals who could no longer be asked to perform various representational duties for senior FS spouses at post. Also, spouses were no longer to be included in the employee’s efficiency report. Even though society at large was experiencing changes - younger spouses in America were starting to work and have professional careers, the possibility for FS spouses to work was almost nonexistent because diplomatic tradition didn’t provide for that. Yet, by 1975 both political parties were including “strengthening the family” in their platforms. It was becoming more difficult to ignore family issues. 35% of the male FS Officers (FSOs) who participated in a small survey said that the working status of their

Beecroft Family in Cairo, Egypt (1983) OCTOBER 2017

wives or the possibility of work would influence their next choice of assignment. FS spouse employment could become a management problem. The younger generation was beginning to make new demands of Department of State (DoS) management, in many cases supported by senior spouses who understood what was going on. You have managed to move between volunteer and paid roles while building a career as a Family Liaison Officer (FLO)/Community Liaison Officer (CLO). Was it intentional? Was it helpful? It was both intentional and helpful. I learned quickly that you never know when you will use a skill that you have learned in one job in another job. I started my volunteer work at the DoS in the little Foreign Service Educational and Counseling Center (FSECC). When I went on to work at first the FLO and then in the CLOs, the basic knowledge of boarding schools, correspondence schools and college admissions learned at the FSECC, stood me in good stead. I continued to learn as I worked, discovering specialized sources of information that would be useful for people trying to get into a school back in the United States from an overseas address. Back in 1979 while I was still working in the FLO, I wrote the proposal which enabled us to hire the first real

Robert M. Beecroft served in the U.S. Army Reserve during the Vietnam War. nationalmilitaryspousenetwork.org

Beecroft Family in Mostar (2004) NMSN Magazine

Education Officer to work with clients since it was clear that education was (and still is) one of the main concerns of all Foreign Service families. Another example of a volunteer activity that helped in my professional career: in Cairo, I chaired the preparations for the community July 4th celebration for 4,000 people. This included a large number of USAID contractors and their families as well as the “oil riggers” who were working in the Gulf. I had never done anything of that magnitude before but I took on the challenge because Cairo could be difficult and the celebration was a positive morale factor. That experience showed me that I could be organized, figure out what to do and execute a successful event – giving me both the confidence and know-how to carry on to other events which I would spearhead in my professional career. What lead you to being appointed Deputy Director of FLO? One of the most important concepts for Foreign Service spouses and, I suspect for military spouses as well, is flexibility. We had just returned from a

posting in Paris. Our second child was less than a year old and I had not yet decided what I was going to do. Since I had always been interested in the field of education, I offered to volunteer at the Foreign Service Education and Counseling Center (FSECC). When the Director of the FSECC was selected to be the Director of the new FLO in 1978, I applied for the Deputy Director’s position and was selected from a field of some 45 applicants. From the very start, it was a most rewarding and absorbing job. And I discovered the pleasure of working directly with people and helping them to sort out a wide variety of concerns. Could you explain “family member appointments”? From the State Department website: the Family Member Appointment (FMA) is a hiring mechanism used to employ U.S. citizen Eligible Family Members (EFMs) who serve in embassies and consulates around the world. [to include military spouses who fall under Chief of Mission] From the time the FLO opened in 1978, spouses were making the point that in some cases, it would save the United States Government money if they, as qualified spouses, could be used to fill staffing gaps at post rather than spending the money to bring another FSO to post. The spouse was already there. The campaign to use qualified spouses has a long and complicated history which has been gaining traction little by little. More recently, we have a program called the FS Family Reserve Corps (FSFRC) which will put many more qualified spouses to work in a much more organized fashion. The implementation of this program will take place over a period of two years.

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Your business is our mission. We began as a veteran-owned insurance company founded to protect the property of our fellow service members. That’s why we understand that your business is more than just a line of work. It’s what you defended. It’s part of who you are. To learn more, call 800-295-9649 or visit AFI.org/commercial OCTOBER 2017

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5 Ways to Create Sacred Spaces That Will Effortlessly Attract Success BY DR. KRISTA WELLS THE MILITARY SPOUSE COACH ®

hen I think about sacred spaces, I imagine walking on the beach and feeling that connection to our higher power. And the cool thing is that now I can tap into it when I am at my desk. Many professional military spouses think the only path to success is more hard work, bigger goals, but over the years I have found that creating sacred space is actually more powerful and enthusiasm trumps discipline. Go buy some fresh flowers for your desk or stop in that favorite coffee house and watch how it sparks your creativity. Something magical happens when nature, contemplation, and meditation are all aimed at worthwhile endeavors—we realize that the

small voice within each of us is indeed sacred, and it’s so much easier to hear that still small voice answer our biggest questions such as, what is the next best action step that I need to take? Focus on what you want, without too much worry on how it will occur. Our surroundings strongly influence our moods, directly impacting our productivity and ability to travel along our roads to success. Therefore, designing spaces that serve our greater good and give us positive vibrations will help us move forward. In my coaching practice, I have seen the benefit of paying more attention to the physical and mental spaces in your life and I am so impressed with the direct impact on success.

Journaling in the early morning and taking quiet time in places you love is magical, so if you ever feel stuck just trust the process and carve out this time. Take a few moments to think about how your physical surroundings and imagine them improved. What does your bedroom look like? What does your morning routine include? What does your ideal office space look like? Is your car tidy? What does your closet need? If you achieved all of your goals, what habits and rituals would be important to you? What are some of your favorite spots to go and just think? Many of the answers to creating sacred spaces are individualized but I offer five examples to help get you started closing the gap between how things are now and creating more of a flow. 5 Examples of Creating Sacred Spaces 1. Allow Your Space To Show Off Who You Are I wanted my office in town to feel like a bed and breakfast, so I lined the walls with books and I displayed different flavored teas for my coaching clients to choose from. Most importantly, the office space feels like an extension of who I am. What can you begin designing that best support your newest endeavor?

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2. Seize Sacred Moments That Put You In The Zone My “in the moment” can happen during a work brainstorming session or when I am watching one of my son’s baseball games or listening to the National Anthem. Start noticing when you lose track of time and completely embrace the present moment. Imagine living like that more often. Write a list of what puts you in that “perfect zone”. 3. Embrace Sacred Symbols That Remind You of Your Goals The next time you go to the ocean, keep a seashell and put it on your desk. The more we recognize the places where we feel at one with ourselves, the easier it is to surround ourselves with visual reminders. What

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symbols, meaningful artwork, favorite seashells, or family heirlooms can quickly remind you of your dreams? 4. Use Sacred Spaces To Solve Your Problems or Guide You Creating space between you and whatever problem or challenge you may be facing allows time for meditative reflection. This space can be filled with meditation or prayer, reading, or writing. If you were traveling to an island for 6 months, what story would you write, what books would you pack? 5. Allow Sacred Spaces To Help You Live In Gratitude Carving out a sacred space for faith can be paramount to your overall success and life satisfaction. As your faith increases, you will get clearer

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ideas about what you want to do next and be able to trust that life is unfolding gracefully before your eyes. Balancing gratitude with an openness to receive even more creates success to flow. What blessings can you notice in your life right now?

Dr. Krista Wells is a certified professional coach dedicated to empowering military spouses. In her private practice, she focuses on improving her clients’ health, increasing their wealth, and strengthening their relationships. In addition to her private clients, Krista offers keynote speeches, workshops for organizations and military bases, and writes for various military publications. She recently launched The Military Spouse Show podcast in an effort to expand her reach and connect with the broader military spouse community.

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times in four years and worked across multiple fields, including public affairs, nonprofit administration, and human resources. My experience was definitely like yours; a variety of jobs pieced together over a short amount of time. In that same Blue Star Families’ survey, 48% of respondents answered that they are open to exploring entrepreneurship. I am here to tell you that it is possible. I had never owned a business, but I did have the drive to combine my experience in the human resources field with my passion of helping others succeed and turn it into something that would be beneficial to the military lifestyle. So in 2011, I launched Schofield Strategies®, LLC, a career services firm that offers resume development strategies to job seekers of various backgrounds and experience levels from around the world. Most of our resume clients are military spouses and transitioning veterans. Five years later, I now have a thriving business that helps hundreds of job seekers land the job of their dreams.

An Open Letter to Aspiring Military Spouse Entrepreneurs BY AMY SCHOFIELD, ACRW AND ACPW

Dear Military Spouse, I understand. The constant relocation every few years (or sometimes every few months), the need to reinvent yourself with each move, the piecing together of jobs from different career fields, and the underemployment you may face as a result is challenging. In fact, 75% of respondents in Blue Star Families’ 2015 Annual Military Family Lifestyle Survey believe that their military spouse status had a negative impact on their ability to pursue a career. Sound familiar? That was my story, until I jumped into entrepreneurship. Prior to that, I had moved four 14 | NMSN Magazine

I would love to share some of my knowledge with you. I am by no means an expert, but I am a fellow military spouse who understands this lifestyle and the desire to pursue a meaningful opportunity. 1. Build your business around your passion: Author Shakti Gawain stated, “When you’re doing what you want all the time, the distinction between work and play dissolves.” Don’t get me wrong, owning a business is work, but when you own a business that allows you to do what you truly love doing, you will have a greater chance of success. I am passionate about helping others navigate today’s job market. I love it when I receive news that one of my customers got a job offer; that motivates me to continue running my business. If you are not building your business around what you love, it may impact your ability to flourish. 2. Find what makes you unique: It is easy to want to compare yourself to others, especially when first starting out as an entrepreneur. It may seem like there are hundreds of other people running a similar type of business as you, but I am confident that you can find at least one thing that makes you stand out. Whether it is something distinct that you have accomplished, how you reward your customers, the way you develop a rapport with similar business owners when others may view them as threats, your commitment to professional development as a way to improve

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your skills, or something else that will make you noticeable, discover what makes you unique and tap into it. 3. Ask for help and then pay it forward: Recognize when it is time to hire someone else or outsource activities that you do not enjoy doing, do not have time to do, or know that someone else is better at! Numbers aren’t your thing? Then hire someone to perform your accounting and invoicing functions. Reach out and surround yourself with other entrepreneurs in your field to learn as much as you can from them. Call on another military spouse entrepreneur for help, since military spouses make excellent mentors. I have personally mentored three other military spouses who have wanted to start their own resume writing business. I also make it a point to pay it forward to the military community and hire other military spouses as contractors when I can! This gives them an incredibly flexible schedule and they can perform their work from wherever they are stationed. It is a great feeling when you pay it forward.

service member’s commitments, perform something that is meaningful to you, and depending on your business, have the ability to pick up and complete another PCS while maintaining your customers. If so, entrepreneurship may be the right thing for you to pursue!

Amy Schofield is an Academy Certified Resume Writer and an Academy Certified Profile Writer and has been in the recruiting, career coaching, and resume writing fields for 10+ years. She is the founder of Schofield Strategies, LLC TM, an organization that provides resume development and job search strategies to job seekers of various backgrounds and experience levels from around the world. As an active-duty military spouse, she actively helps transitioning veterans and military spouses reach their career goals. Amy has been featured in GI Jobs, Reserve and National Guard Magazine, Army Wife Talk Radio, and Blue Star Families. She is a contributor to Modernize Your Job Search Letters: Get Noticed… Get Hired. Schofield Strategies was the recipient of the 2013 Military Family Member Community Heartbeat Award.

4. Find balance and don’t give up: Owning a business can be challenging. You must find balance in everything you do to operate your business. It is not just about working with your customers; you have to find the right mix of combining customer relations with business development, networking, marketing, and professional development. Sometimes you may feel like you are failing in one area, but don’t give up (and go back to #3 for help!) 5. Embrace flexibility: My biggest obstacle so far as an entrepreneur was when I received an unexpected phone call saying that we had to PCS in two weeks. I had already lined up a full client load for that time. One of the best things about owning your own business is the flexibility you have to schedule your work or business hours around other commitments, but remember that there are still some things you have no control of – or there could be last-minute customers or events that you are invited to attend. Factor in some additional time for unforeseen occasions. I get it. Owning a business is daunting, especially when you are starting from nowhere and have to build it from the ground up. But, wouldn’t it be great to do something that you truly love to do, have the flexibility to schedule your time around your OCTOBER 2017

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Sponsored Content

And the Crystal Ball Says … Invest BY JJ MONTANARO, CFP® WITH USAA

s now the right time to invest?

You may be watching the markets and wondering if it’s a good time to jump into the world of investing. Well, I’ve got no window into what the future holds, but I can give you a framework to answer that particular question. Determining the answer has little to do with the markets and a lot more to do with you. In this series of articles, I continue to take the position that good timing is more about being able to do something right than any mark on a calendar or a specific age.

expenses set aside, I don’t think you have to be all the way there before starting to invest. Instead, have some money available to respond to something bad happening without having to use credit. It could be as little as $1,000, but it’s an important step and will help ensure you’re not investing one month only to have to pull the money out the following month because your car broke down.

If you can answer these four questions with a resounding “yes,” then it may indeed be the right time to invest.

Are you double-digit debt free? In most cases, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to direct your limited resources towards investments while you’re carrying a bunch of high-interest debt. No, you don’t have to wipe out all your debts before you invest, but getting rid of 20-something percent debt is an investment in and of itself.

Have you got some cash? I’m not talking about money to invest, but rather cash set aside in an emergency fund. While I’m fond of the idea of having the equivalent of at least three months of

Have you marked your multiyear calendar? Remember, investing is a long term proposition. Money you allocate toward this endeavor should be targeted at goals well into the future — years, not

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days, weeks or months. And yes, you can ignore those day-to-day news headlines. Your focus should be well into the future. Do you have a plan? Know how much you’re going to invest and when; I love payroll deductions into the TSP or other employer plan. Know your investment mix; target or lifestyle funds may simplify things on this front. And know your ultimate goals: what are you investing toward? Look at those questions again. Absent are any references to prospects for the stock or bond markets, news headlines or expected investment returns. Instead, it’s all about you and your situation. If you can say yes four times, there’s a pretty good chance that now is the right time to invest. Views and opinions expressed by members are for informational purposes only and should not be deemed as an endorsement by USAA. This material is for informational purposes and is not investment advice, an indicator of future performance, a solicitation, an offer to buy or sell, or a recommendation for any security. It should not be used as a primary basis for making investment decisions. Consider your own financial circumstances and goals carefully before investing. Investing in securities products involves risk, including possible loss of principal. Certified Financial Planner Board of Standards, Inc. owns the certification marks CFP® and CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER TM in the United States, which it awards to individuals who successfully complete CFP Board’s initial and ongoing certification requirements. OCTOBER 2017

The law concerning tax and retirement plans is complex, penalties are severe, and the laws of your state may differ. Consult your tax and legal advisers regarding your specific situation. The information contained is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended to substitute for obtaining professional financial advice. Please thoroughly research and seek professional advice before acting on any information you may have found in this article. This article in no way attempts to provide financial advice that relates to all personal circumstances. Certified Financial Planner Board of Standards, Inc. owns the certification marks CFP® and CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER TM in the United States, which it awards to individuals who successfully complete CFP Board’s initial and ongoing certification requirements. USAA means United Services Automobile Association and its affiliates.

Joseph “JJ” Montanaro is a financial planner with USAA’s Military Affairs’ Advocacy Group and is a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER professional (CFP®). He is a native of Kansas City and graduated from the United States Military Academy, West Point, New York. Montanaro has more than twenty years of experience as a financial planner. He served in the US Army for six years on active duty and retired as a lieutenant colonel in the United States Army Reserve. JJ’s financial advice has appeared in numerous outlets including the Wall Street Journal, USA Today and the New York Times. He writes monthly personal finance columns for Military Spouse Magazine and American Legion Magazine and hosts the USAA Money Drill podcast.

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Fall Back in Love with Your Job BY JANET FARLEY

n the beginning, you were happy together. Very happy.

You almost couldn’t wait to wake up in the morning, get dressed and rush off to spend the whole day at your job. You were positively giddy about the infinite possibilities that accompanied your new professional position in life. Your colleagues seemed so incredibly helpful and friendly. As if things couldn’t be any better, the break room coffee wasn’t half bad either. You, my friend, were in deeply love with your job. It was the kind of love you just didn’t find everyday and it was a beautiful thing. Like many relationships, however, this one didn’t last forever. At some point, you started hitting the snooze button in the mornings. You didn’t color coordinate your outfit quite so carefully and those incredibly helpful and friendly coworkers became tolerable at best. In a final act of corporate defiance, you ditched the half bad coffee at work for a tall mocha latte with cream, no less, at the corner Starbucks. (Really now, how could you have been so blind?). Let’s face it. You lost that loving feeling towards your job. It was gone, gone, gone. Being the hopeless romantic you are,

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however, you want to bring it back, right? Tip #1: Reconnect with your past. Think back to those blissful early days on the job when your jacket actually matched your skirt. What was it that you truly loved about your job? What has changed since then? Why has it changed? Think it through and try to concretely identify those factors. Determine if there isn’t some way to recapture those long-lost feelings again. Tip #2: Talk to someone. Relationships that go through a rough patch can benefit greatly from counseling. So, find a counselor. Maybe it is a co-worker, a supervisor or a genuine counselor. Talk through your concerns and your feelings about your job with whomever you deem trustworthy. Sometimes someone else who isn’t so close to the fire can see a way out of it. Clarity and comfort might be a mere conversation or two away. Tip #3: Take a break. It worked for Ross and Rachel. Maybe it can work for you and your job, too. Take some quality time away from your job and see if you aren’t just experiencing some garden-variety burnout. Spend that time doing something enjoyable and relaxing. When you return to the grindstone, bring a fresh set of eyes and a willingness to give it one more try. Tip #4: Change something with the “if-then” approach. You might not be able to change your real partner in life, but you may be able to change something about your job to make it more bearable. For OCTOBER 2017

example, if you find that you don’t like your job anymore because it is boring then make it more interesting. Talk to your boss and see if you can’t take on a new project or task. If you suspect your workspace is bringing you down then redecorate. If the guy sitting next to you is annoying then see if you can move your desk. If you find that you are too busy all day long then re-evaluate and revamp your workload. Build in down time to help you better cope. If you make little changes then you might see big differences.

good days and many mediocre ones even in a job that you love.

#5 Give love a chance. You can’t realistically expect every day to be a sublime one. Even the optimists among us understand that reality. Accept that there could be bad days,

Janet Farley is a job search and workplace issues expert. She is also the author of a number of books to include the soon to be published Military Life 101: Basic Training for New Families (Rowman & Littlefield, July 2016).

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No matter how much you want a relationship to succeed, sometimes it just isn’t meant to be. If your relationship with your current job is indeed on the rocks for whatever reason has crashed it there, then have the courage to move on. Reassess your true passions and your marketable skills and try to find a new reason for color coordinating your outfits.

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Fall Clothing Trends BY JOYCE NEAVE

s the summer comes to an end, it is time to start thinking about the fall. In fashion, it is an exciting time to refresh our wardrobes. Each season there are so many trends. I have highlighted my top picks. Along with the ones I show below there are also: winter florals, polkadots, puffy coats, Americana, lingerie inspired dresses, matrix, and oversized men’s wear jackets- to name a few.

Check out these patterns! Checks, Plaid, and Grid will be everywhere

Coach 1941

Show off your softer side… With this slouchy hobo bag

Derek Lam

Are you seeing Red??? Well if you aren’t, you will be this fall

Better than a bubble bath, slip into luxury Velvet

Jonathon Simkhai

Vince

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Be Baaaa-d in Leather

Shake your Bootie (twice) Booties are still in! And so is Sliver Miu Miu

And Take a walk on the wild side! Leopard

Helmut Lang

Marchesa Notte

Belle Fare

Sheer Elegance and Shearling

Feathers in every color and on everything! Shoes, Dresses, Scarves-whatever tickles your fancy!

As always, pick and choose your own favorites to add to your main wardrobe. Feel free to contact me with any questions or comments you may have. My final thoughtâ€Śadding a plaid blazer to your work wardrobe is probably a better pick than wearing feathers in the office! Joyce Neave is an authority on fashion and style. As founder, Joyce has been empowering clients for over twenty years. As the owner of That Mom Inc., and now JOYCE NEAVE style group, her work has been featured in the Washington Post, the Washington Times, Washingtonian Magazine, and Bethesda Magazine among others. Joyce has been featured on WUSA9 News highlighting her wardrobe consulting practice and providing viewers with valuable insights. Learn more about the services provided by JOYCE NEAVE style group at: http://www.joyceneave.com/ OCTOBER 2017

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I’m Back! Will You Hire Me Again? JULIE WATERS

on’t you love those moves where you get to say ‘good riddance’ when you hit the city limits sign? Until a few years later when you end up driving right back into town.....sigh. Okay, now that you know you want your job back, how do you make it happen? Let your former coworkers know that you are interested and available. You may be 3, 6, 10 years from the day you left - you have gained a lot more experience. The organization has changed too. Contact the hiring manager immediately with your application. See if you can set up a lunch or coffee with one of those friends and try to get a feel for the organization as it is now. Ask them what has changed, this way you won’t be going into the interview with “the way we used to do it” as your best selling point. However, do emphasize the advantage that you have over the other candidates: your already established rapport with the staff, and your knowledge of the industry and company. In the time that you have been away, what positions have you held that will make you more qualified for a different position at your former company? Are 22 | NMSN Magazine

there similarities, best practices, or even just a fresh set of eyes on familiar tasks that the company will value? Are they looking for a change agent, or do they want status quo? And can you be either of those things? For once you have an advantage in this game! Use it! Knowing and keeping a relationship, even at a distance, with a mentor or boss from your past jobs will absolutely give you an advantage when compared to other candidates. Probably one of the biggest advantages of returning to a former workplace is that you have an idea of the pay scale. It takes the mystery and anxiety out of negotiations. They know that you have the knowledge too, so as long as you are reasonable, that conversation becomes much more comfortable. So as with everything, leave a place a little better than you found it. You never know when you may be back! nationalmilitaryspousenetwork.org

Julie was born and raised in Washington State. She graduated from the University of Washington with a BA in English and earned an MS in Human Resources Management from Troy University. She is also a certified Professional in Human Resources. Over the last 13 years, Julie has held various Human Resource positions starting her career at FHC Health Systems in Norfolk, Virginia, then moving to Landrum Professional Services in Pensacola, Florida, Cambridge Health Alliance Physicians Organization in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and the Military Officers Association of America in Alexandria, Virginia where she served as the Director of Human Resources. Julie currently resides in Spokane, Washington where she is the Human Resources and Operations Manager for a law firm. Julie was lucky enough to choose a career that easily transfers between employers as her husband’s assignments moved them from city to city. She holds a special interest in career building for military spouses as she feels it is important to have something personal outside of our military lifestyle. OCTOBER 2017

In the Spirit of Cooperation BY CAROL BOWSER

t comes down to fairness.

When it comes down to it, everything is about values, respect, and fairness. When we feel as though we are being professionally taken advantage of, it can get icky fast. How can we maintain appropriate boundaries without coming across as rude or uncooperative? I have a few thoughts… As an entrepreneur and (former1) military spouse I strive to be accessible, responsive, and cooperative. I am tempted to say, “I am more cooperative and collaborative if I have had coffee.” But that would give the impression that the degree of cooperativeness is mood dependent. It is not. It is deliberate. It is strategic. And it has its limits.

So what do you do? Set limits. You can be kind and polite and firm. Yes, you can. It can be as simple as: “Given my current commitments, I can’t deliver on what I have already promised and do this too.” Or

is not. You do not want to fall into unhealthy coping behaviors - avoiding or enduring people who take advantage of your desire to be viewed as “nice” or “collaborative”. Instead, you think in terms of reciprocity and fairness. Good luck. Our family celebrated the completion of 28 or so years of service in December 2015. Yeah!! 1

“What I can do is ….” Or “Talking about the fight you had with your spouse this weekend is something more personal than I want to be involved with. Let’s bring the conversation back to work.” “I will need for you to stop crying, move your chair so that you are not blocking me in and open my office door.” Setting the parameters lets people know what is ok and what

Organizations hire Conflict Management Strategies, Inc. to increase productivity by easing workplace conflict and tension, to train employees in conflict resolution skills, to evaluate internal conflict resolution processes, to coach key employees to higher levels of performance and to facilitate tangible change within the working environment.

How do I know when I have hit may limit? When it just doesn’t feel fair. Here is how my “fairness” meter works. Reciprocity. Are both sides are receiving a comparable benefit or burden? Caveat - there will be times when they or you are not in a position to fully reciprocate. For example, one of you is more “downstream than the other.” This might result in an inability to help beacuse you are talking to people at different levels of the organization. What I am not talking about is when someone is overburdening you or monopolizing your time and talents without any benefit to you. OCTOBER 2017

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Job Hunting During the Holidays BY JANET FARLEY

he weather outside may soon be frightful, but the holiday season job search opportunities can be oh so delightful.

You just have to be prepared for them. 1. Don’t be gullible. It’s a common misnomer that organizational hiring comes to screeching halt from Thanksgiving until the afterglow of the holidays fade in January. That just isn’t so. It may slow as employees take off time from the job to kiss under the mistletoe but it hardly stops altogether. Some employers even ramp up interviewing and hiring in a mad dash to exhaust year-end funds. Others simply have more time to devote to staffing in what could be their downtime. Serious job seekers aren’t gullible and they aren’t lulled into inactivity at this time. They keep up the pace and power through the tinsel. 2. Network like there’s no tomorrow. There simply isn’t a better time than the holidays to network. You’re invited to holiday party? Excellent. Go and be festive. Take your business cards and two-minute pitch with you. Make it your mission to talk to people you don’t know and expand your network in the process. Just don’t overindulge in the spiked punch unless you want to be remembered for the wrong thing. Send holiday greeting cards to those in your professional circle and casually drop that you’re in the market for a new position and would appreciate any intel they could offer. Volunteer for the greater good within your community. Feed your soul while rubbing shoulders with others who might be able to put in a good word for you somewhere. It’s a total win-win for everyone.

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3. Focus on your consistency of effort. While it may be ever so tempting to take the job search pace down a notch, don’t do it. Consistently continue your efforts on a daily basis and you could well be rewarded for doing so. Realize, however, that already employed others may be slowing their level of work related effort. In other words, if you need to connect with an employer, don’t wait until five minutes before closing time to do so.

Make a positive difference in someone else’s life. Count your blessings and go back for seconds. When you’re old and gray, you’ll be glad you did.

Janet Farley, Ed.M. is a Colorado Springs, CO based freelance writer and author of several career related books, most recently Military Life 101: Basic Training for New Military Families (Rowman & Littlefield, July 2016).

4. Use the holiday downtime wisely. Review your LinkedIn, Twitter and Facebook accounts to ensure you’re projecting the kind of image you want prospective employers to see. Take the time to contribute meaningful and relevant dialogue with your online contacts as well. While you’re at it, update or simply tweak your resume for added appeal. And if you must, take advantage of holiday sales to boost your professional wardrobe. This should be fun for you too, right? 5. Consider temporary or seasonal employment. Sure, it may not be your ideal situation but if you’re in dire need of a paycheck or just want to get your foot in any door with a particular company, don’t turn your nose up at the prospects. You never know when a temporary gig could turn into something with a real future. 6. Set up informational interviews. Some employers may have more time on their hands right now and if they do, take advantage of that by setting up informational interviews. Use the opportunity to get face time you might not otherwise get to experience. Remember that the purpose of an informational interview is not to ask for a job. It is to get information about a particular job, company or career field. It is an excellent opportunity to grow your network and that could lead anywhere. Don’t underestimate the power of well-handled informational interview. 7. Enjoy the holidays, too. It’s good to drive on with your job search during the holidays but it’s not so good to miss out them altogether. Keep the balance of the universe in check. Spend time with those who matter to you. OCTOBER 2017

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One marriage, Two Entrepreneurs, Two Businesses and a Lot of Lessons Learned BY FRED AND CRYSTAL WELLMAN

few years ago we attended a veterans business event and in a conversation with one of the speakers, he told Fred that it’s almost impossible to be happily married and be a true entrepreneur. Four years later not only are we still married but both of our businesses are growing at over 50% a year, which should probably make it all the harder. Yet, our marriage has never been stronger or happier than it has these last several years as we pursue our dreams together. Of course, it sure hasn’t been all sunshine and roses and we’ve 26 | NMSN Magazine

learned some really tough lessons along the way that have made us both better entrepreneurs but also better spouses and parents.

Respect It starts there. You have to respect your spouse’s business no matter where it is in its growth. When Fred’s firm, ScoutComms, was seeing accelerating growth and profits, Crystal’s shop Ladyburg was just getting off the ground. It was easy to dismiss it as the “less important” business since it wasn’t bringing in any income and ScoutComms was basically “paying the bills”. It was only a matter of a couple nationalmilitaryspousenetwork.org

of years before Ladyburg, that little soap shop, was employing two of our kids and our son-inlaw while becoming the number one shopping destination in our town according to Trip Advisor. Respecting that journey makes for a smoother home life.

Support each other It sounds so easy, right? Support your spouses business should be a no-brainer but it really isn’t. Often that means understanding that when a client that has been with your firm for six years needs you to attend a meeting in LA tomorrow, you have to go no matter what was on the family OCTOBER 2017

calendar that day. Support means that when two retail employees call in sick, Fred dons an apron and becomes an emergency back up soap salesman working for our 20-year old daughter who coowns the shop and runs the retail operations. Support is a physical and mental commitment to doing whatever it takes to help your spouse succeed, even if it means checking your ego at the door.

end the final straw was that it took the entire family countless hours to manage both locations leaving no days off at all and the precious married time we had enjoyed completely disappeared. In the end, closing the store was as much of a family preservation decision as a financial one. Using the “fail fast” approach we ate the losses quickly and moved quickly enough to save the entire year financially with a bag full of lessons learned.

Find time to just be married It seems so obvious but it’s incredibly hard more often than not. In our case, Fred runs a public relations firm, and everyone knows that bad things never happen at convenient hours and many of his efforts involve attending galas, receptions, happy hours, and conferences at night and on the weekends. Meanwhile, Crystal runs a popular retail store and manufacturing company that is open 7 days a week and is even busier during the holidays, leaving little time to take vacations or even a few days off. We discovered that even minutes count to keep connected. Morning coffee in bed has become a must have daily ritual. Catching up on the latest cat videos with a pile of pets on us while getting wound up for the day has become a key element to a happy marriage and successful work day. On weekends we try escaping the local area and it has given us needed married time by making day trips all over Virginia that have nothing to do with our jobs. Often that valuable decompression time ends up as an opportunity to sort out the tough issues we are wrestling with at our separate companies by working through them with the smartest consultant we know…each other. OCTOBER 2017

We don’t pretend to have all the answers to business or marriage. Our entrepreneurial journey is still unfolding but we are living proof you can run separate businesses and be happily married with a few simple rules and a ton of laughter. Just leave your pride at the door and do whatever it takes to be successful both in business and at home.

Make mistakes and fix them. Every successful entrepreneur has stories of failure. It’s just a natural part of business, but when that failure involves your spouse’s business and affects the bottom line or even impacts your family, it gets ugly fast. We had debated for some time about the direction of Ladyburg as to whether it was to open more stores or focus on manufacturing and become wholesaler and online focused. Fred wanted stores, Crystal wanted manufacturing. So, we opened a second location in a major historic district 40 miles away just in time for massive construction on new hotels, parks and flood control projects creating a collapse in foot traffic. But, in the nationalmilitaryspousenetwork.org

Fred Wellman is a retired Army officer turned serial and social entrepreneur. He is a graduate of West Point and the Harvard Kennedy School serving 22 years in the Army as an aviator and public affairs officer and four combat tours. He is the Founder and CEO of ScoutComms, a B Corp communications and advocacy firm focused on veterans and military families. He and his wife Crystal also co-own Ladyburg Bath and Body Apothecary, a growing handmade bath and body retail boutique located in Fredericksburg, Virginia. In addition to serving as the Entrepreneur in Residence for NMSN, Fred also serves on the National Board of Directors for the National Desert Storm War Memorial and the Board of Advisors for No One Left Behind. NMSN Magazine

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Survival Skills: How Writing Sustains Me BY ABBY E. MURRAY

grew up in a small Washington town tucked beneath the Canadian border. Career ambitions weren’t necessarily discouraged as I worked my way through the public school system there, but neither was there a lot of guidance or brainstorming. There were rumors the town housed more cows than people. The strongest encouragement I received came from my teachers in the arts, who knew I’d have to leave before I could truly explore. I danced, played the violin, learned German, and, perhaps most unexpectedly, wrote poetry. I grew up with five sisters and a single mother; I lost interest in subjects my sisters excelled in because I wanted a talent of my own. Nobody in my family seemed interested in writing poetry, which is probably why I spent so much time reading it.

In a house with that many children, adolescence was a competition. Each day thrived on self-sufficiency. My sisters were good-looking, long-haired, extraordinary; gifted in business, mathematics, sports, violin. I was argumentative, impatient, and I wore my cropped hair in a spiky mess. Poetry was playful and sharp, vulnerable and weapon-like all at once. I respected it the way most children respect a pocketknife, which is to say I all but carved my name into it. I got a job at a pizza place as soon as I was legally able to take in a paycheck, and I squeaked through college on grants, loans, savings, and pay from my next job in a security office. My mom worked several jobs as a medical biller, and though she’d never been to college by the time I left home, she taught me to respect the classes I paid for, to show up, to be accountable. The process of earning my bachelors degree was quenching. I’d felt starved in high school, so when I got into Seattle University I gleefully overwhelmed my schedule. I majored in English but took minors in German and Theatre; I played in the orchestra and worked as a violin soloist in the Chapel of St. Ignatius; I volunteered for the Children’s Literacy Project and played parts in the plays on campus; I worked for the student literary journal and managed to keep my job for four consecutive years. I thrived on criticism and a safe space to experiment with imagination. I became ruthless in my possession of creativity. And I met Tom. Tom was in ROTC, studying business management and economics. He was charming, trilingual and extroverted. My sister introduced us: oil, meet water. Water, oil. I wouldn’t say Tom and I dated so much as we argued constantly, and we enjoyed it. We developed a deep patience for each other. I started writing poetry more regularly. I started saying “why not?” more often. Send poems to fancy publishers and risk rejection. Why not? Get married and move to Alaska. Why not? I graduated with honors in 2005 and got a job in a bookstore in Anchorage while Tom was stationed

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at Fort Richardson. I was miserable. I cried on my way to work, I cried on the way home. I got really into Audioslave. I quit the day I was written up for cleaning the toilets without initialing a clipboard. In 2006, Tom was sent to Iraq and I moved to Vancouver, just outside Portland, Oregon, to stay with my sister. I worked a handful of jobs there: receptionist at a women’s gym, volunteer coordinator at a no-kill cat shelter, violin teacher, private writing tutor, and, perhaps my oddest job to date, a patient simulator at the chiropractic college. My career ambitions were muted by one crushing requirement: I couldn’t get involved with anything that required staying in the same city for longer than 6 months. I couldn’t not work, but my inner compass was spinning. I clung to writing and it followed me everywhere like a devoted dog. My mom came to visit and asked, “Abby, honey, why don’t you go back to school for writing?” I snorted. Wouldn’t that be nice. Too bad my friends who went straight from undergrad to masters programs lived near their school of choice, probably thinking about IEDs only when the news was on. “What about those programs where you’re only there part of the year?” I looked online. Low residency MFA in writing. I could study from a different town every semester if I had to (and I did). Angels trumpeted. I got into Pacific University and went to Oregon for two weeks in January and June for intensive lectures and workshops, then flew home and wrote and wrote and wrote. Tom came home and I moved back to Alaska. This time, I took a job as a substitute teacher and loved it. Kids are generally simpler to understand than most adults. It was easy to talk about writing with them. But it was time to move—Atlanta this time. Back to square one. I couldn’t find a job for three months and my inner critic was snapping the whip. Finally, I got a position as a veterinary assistant at an animal clinic that needed someone right away; I seemed responsible enough, though utterly unfamiliar with chemistry. I ended up flourishing in the job. Like children, animals made sense to me, and while I loved writing, writers confused me. The military life confused me too. I felt like the adult worlds I was expected to join required a flexibility I didn’t have; I only knew how to be 1) myself, or 2) OCTOBER 2017

mute. This was a cost in itself. When I did speak up or stop reading, I didn’t seem to fit in anywhere. This occasionally weighed on Tom, who remained charismatic, adaptable, groomed for a promising army career. But the personal benefits were clear too. My independence got me through Tom’s deployments and other periods of loss and grief. And I couldn’t stop writing. I graduated from Pacific in 2009, eager to teach. I started to realize the best way for me to connect with others was through writing. Time to move. Just a few hours away, to Fort Benning, where I got a job as an adjunct at Columbus State University, teaching composition. I relaxed into the work for six whole months, during which I had a chapbook of poems published and suffered a miscarriage. The poems swarmed like cicadas. I got a thrill from working with nontraditional college students and started teaching a literary “reintegration” class of sorts in the evenings. I started a workshop group. I realized I could find writers in every town, no matter what. Time to move. Colorado Springs: mountains, red dirt, dry air. Why not? I took a job teaching writing at Pikes Peak Community College. I started a reading series where emerging writers could read alongside featured authors. Tom went to Iraq, came home, went to Afghanistan. I taught violin from home. I got a second chapbook published, this one directly addressing my experiences as a military spouse, called Quick Draw: Poems from a Soldier’s Wife.

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When Tom went to Afghanistan, a familiar hunger started grumbling in my mind. I wanted to follow writing somewhere beyond the military’s purview. I read about Ph.D. programs in creative writing and, thinking it was a long shot, threw out applications to six schools. The worst they could say was no. I realize now that my impulse to understand is what guarantees my future in a field I am passionate about. My fear of rejection is underdeveloped. Oh, it hurts when it arrives, and it shows up often, but I’m either a slow learner or just reluctant to ignore curiosity. I’ve developed a career by staying fascinated, asking questions and taking risks. I landed on four wait lists, got one rejection letter (thanks, Denver) and one come-on-over-to-NewYork-on-a-full-scholarship invitation. I packed up my house, my two cats and my German shepherd, and I moved to New York. Tom came home and started teaching ROTC in nearby Scranton. Within a few days of giving up on motherhood, I learned I was pregnant. Tom was one of the few

TEACHERS: Your Mission Should You Choose to Accept

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army captains accepted into the Naval War College in Newport, Rhode Island, and I managed to usher our daughter, Mae, into toddlerhood, finish my Ph.D., and direct an organization that brought workshops into local schools, libraries and veterans centers in upstate New York while Tom drove 8 hours home on weekends. Time to move. Joint Base Lewis McChord, back in the Pacific Northwest! I could live down the street from my sister, Amy; I could know which highways connected to which roads without getting lost for a year beforehand; I could drive past buildings I’d remembered being built. And here I am, teaching writing at the University of Washington Tacoma, still parenting my wild, determined daughter. My third book, How to Be Married after Iraq, will soon be released. A few months ago, I started offering creative writing workshops on post, and I edit a journal that publishes work concerned with the impact of military service. Deployments will come again and so will fear. I’ll be waiting, ready to throw my hat into some ring where the next risk is ready for me, promising human connection. Why not? You could say I chose writing because of its creative and intellectual dexterity; it’s gotten me out of a small town and into several others, weaving a chronology of vibrant communities into my past. I stuck with writing because it welcomed me into a corner of its unclaimed territory; I pursue it now as a matter of survival.

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Abby E. Murray is a military spouse and lecturer of creative writing at the University of Washington Tacoma, where she is also editor in chief for Collateral, the online literary journal that publishes work focused on the impact of military service beyond the combat zone. She’s taught college writing courses at Columbus State University just outside Ft. Benning, Pikes Peak Community College near Ft. Carson, Binghamton University, and now here in the Pacific Northwest. Her essays and poetry are published widely in a range of journals and anthologies, including Rattle, Best American Poetry, All We Can Hold: Poems of Motherhood, and more.

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Taste, See, and Feel Success: Using Our Five Senses to Accomplish Goals BY KRISTA WELLS

s a life coach, I love helping my clients recognize their brilliance and thrive. I work with motivated military spouses who believe in bettering themselves. Together, we work to improve their health, grow their wealth, and deepen their interpersonal relationships. To help further these efforts, I recently co-created a podcast called The Military Spouse Show. This format allows me to reach a broader audience of military spouses while also engaging my usual readers via a new sense: sound. In our show, we go into depth about the five senses and how they can play key roles in success. I’m excited to give you a snapshot

of these ideas so that you can begin seeing, hearing, and even tasting success in your life! Visualize Success I often have clients imagine “ideal days.” I ask them to describe that day in great detail: what their home looks like, how they’re dressed, and every detail of what they want to attract. I then go further by engaging all of the senses. I ask them what sounds they hear each day, whether it be live piano music, a business audiobook, or even some much-needed silence. I ask them to describe their ideal smell, such as lemon trees, an ocean breeze, or rose-scented candles. I have them imagine their perfect meals

and flavors, from the taste of fresh raspberries to homemade bread. I have them picture who they metaphorically touch throughout the day as they meet with friends, co-workers, and clients—whose lives are they impacting? By thinking about our senses of sight, hearing, taste, smell, and touch, we can take a holistic approach to goal setting. Walking clients through this visualization with questions is a great preparation for creating their vision boards and setting seasonal goals. It helps them take their lives to the next level much more effortlessly. Perfect Selective Hearing Once you can “see” or imagine your ideal future, it’s time to invite sounds into your life that support that vision. I ask my clients to begin bringing motivational sounds into their lives by paying attention to compliments they receive, allowing them to identify their strengths and improve their selfimage. Then I have them assess relationships in their lives to let go of any toxic conversations and surround themselves with the support they need. Whether at home, at work, or out in the community, it is important to be supported by likeminded people who fill our ears with knowledge and

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inspiration. We might find this support through joining clubs, reaching out to old friends, or increasing our involvement with such organizations as the National Military Spouse Network. By paying more attention to the sounds that surround us, we can start listening for clues that lead us to success. Stop and Smell the Roses Just asking clients to pay attention to their favorite scents helps their vision boards come alive—after all, smell is the sense most related to memory! I see so many images of coffee, fresh flowers, and oceanfront homes when I remind clients to consider fragrance. What smells do you just love? By thinking of our future selve’s signature scents or fragrances we adore, we create sacred spaces for our dreams to grow. I have started talking more and more about the power of scent with my clients— smells play such a huge role in our relationships, health, and wisdom. Scents impact us psychologically, which is why the whole field of aromatherapy is dedicated to the interplay of our moods and fragrances. Lemons make us feel healthy and clean, while lavender increases our moods and centers us, and eucalyptus makes us feel more alert and attentive, ready to face the day. Discover the scents that forward your success and bring them into your life. The Taste of Success Have you ever worked really hard for something until you can almost “taste success”? So often my military spouse clients are “three feet from gold,” as self-help guru 32 | NMSN Magazine

Napoleon Hill explains; they’re close to success but prematurely give up on their dreams at the last moment. I say, if you’re at that place where you can almost taste success, lean in and take a bite! Really start to believe in your brilliance and begin digesting what it would really feel like to achieve the things you want. Many of us get afraid or intimidated in the final legs of our journeys to success. I know that I do—I commit to writing a book that serves my fellow spouses but then I let excuses get in the way just when I start gaining momentum. I tell myself that I’m too busy with my kids or I can’t find an agent rather than just taking the leap of faith that will actually allow me to do more of the work I love. I love the book, Your Word Is Your Want by artist and educator Florence Scovel Shinn because it reminds us that what comes out of our mouths is important. If we want to be able to taste success, we can’t speak sour lemons— instead, we need to always be looking for ways to make lemonade. Speak as if you were your ideal future self and start to see all the amazing things you can effortlessly attract. Reach Out and Touch Someone I think that touch is the most important of the five senses when it comes to goal setting. In this sense, I’m referring to touch as metaphorical movement toward the things we want. Putting our feet in the pool, taking that plunge off the high dive, building up a bigger audience—all of it brings us closer to success. nationalmilitaryspousenetwork.org

Think about all the people in your personal and professional life and how you can touch them more deeply while simultaneously supporting yourself. It starts with loving ourselves enough to share our potential with others. Touch is about being brave enough to roll up our sleeves and “do the work” it takes to reach our goals. The important thing is not to just think about your goals and listen to inspirational messages, but to also reach out and take action steps so you can complete those big goals. Even if it’s a baby step, any motion forward is significant progress that will keep you headed toward accomplishing your vision. Sense a Better You By bringing in all five of your senses, before you know it you’ll be living a life that you could previously only imagine. Engaging your whole body in this manner simply makes it easier to imagine and bring success closer to you. Try out these tips and let me know how they work for you!

WE’VE GOT YOU COVERED IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE. USAA provides more benefits to military members than any other major financial services provider. MILITARY MEMBER BENEFIT #21: Up to 20% discount on renters coverage when you live on base.1

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CALL US AT 800-531-8521 OR VISIT US ONLINE TO SEE HOW WE CAN HELP YOU. No federal endorsement of sponsors is intended. USAA means United Services Automobile Association and its affiliates. 1Renters on-base discount is NOT available in CA, FL, IA, LA, ME, MI, MN, MT, ND, NH, NY, OR, RI, SD, VT, WV, WY, and international locations. Other restrictions apply. 2For loss due to a covered peril of military uniforms or equipment owned by you, and when the loss occurs while you are on active or reserve duty, no deductible will be applied. 3Restrictions may apply to installment payment options. Renters insurance provided by United Services Automobile Association, USAA Casualty Insurance Company, USAA General Indemnity Company, Garrison Property and Casualty Insurance Company, and USAA Ltd. (Europe), San Antonio, TX, and is available only to persons eligible for P&C group membership. Each company has sole financial responsibility for its own products. Use of the term “member” or “membership” does not convey any eligibility rights for auto and property insurance products, or legal or ownership rights in USAA. Membership eligibility and product restrictions apply and are subject to change. © 2016 USAA. 233671-0816-G OCTOBER 2017

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What Personal Challenges, Tragedy, and Conflict Can Teach Us BY CAROL BOWSER

erhaps some of the greatest personal challenges we can deal with is grief. Grief over world events. Grief over unexpected turns in our lives. Grief over challenges at work. Grief over relationships. Grief over loss. Many people experience grief over the holidays. Many people experience conflict over the holidays too. So, I thought it appropriate to talk about grief and conflict. “What?!?” You are likely thinking. “Grief, Loss and Holidays. What is this?” Well, there is a really important link. A link that once you are aware of, it will make the some of the really big stuff more manageable. Things like how we respond to events as big as death

or as seemingly trivial as who sits where at the holiday table. We will start with some important background on grief. You might be familiar with the work of Dr. Elizabeth Kuber Ross. She wrote the book on Death and Dying. Even if you don’t know the book you might be familiar with the 5 stages of grief: • • • • •

Denial/Isolation Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance

Kuber-Ross explains that the stages are really not linear. People dance into and out of each stage at different times and at different intensities. There is often a triggering event that causes the grieving to start or to restart. Conflict at work or at home is no different than grief. There is definitely anger and often feelings of isolation. Some folks minimize the problem or minimize the person bringing forward the concern. I see bargaining in the form of attempted and failed problem solving and collaboration followed by feelings of depression and frustration over wasted time or potential unrealized. Acceptance, I find comes in two forms. Form 1: people have really come together to attempt a solution that they can live with maybe

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even a solution that makes the whole working or living environment better. Form 2: people have given up and given in and are not happy about it. In Form 2 people become depressed or complain a lot or leave or become depressed and complain a lot and stay. During family events this may look like pouting, grudging participation or complaining. It can be a Pandora’s boxgrief and conflict. But, like Pandora’s box, the underlying and overlooked element is hope. Hope that things will get better. Hope that their point of view will be heard, understood and acknowledged. If you can discover what people are hoping for, you can move through the stages of conflict and grief. So as you prepare for the holidays, take a moment to ask yourself “what am I hoping for?” “What is it the others might be hoping for?” Then begin to talk about your hopes for the times spent together. Try this as a conversation starter either at home or at work. “We are all investing time and energy in this. What do you hope might happen as a result of us spending this time together?” After all this is the Season of Hope. May your holidays be conflict free. Cheers.

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