Nexus Issue 03, 2013 by Nexus Magazine

ISSUE Three, VOLUME 45

11 MARCH 2013

Feeling doomed by climate change? There is a way, and it’s 100% Possible.

green on a budget - we tell you how.

Plus, our Nexus blind date took an interesting twist...

You didn’t ask for it, but Nexxxus Unsealed part two.

elcom sue Th

contents

Editorial Team Editor Alix Higby editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Deputy Editors Louise Hutt & Jess Edmonds-Saunders louise@nexusmag.co.nz jess@nexusmag.co.nz News Editor zanian steele news@nexusmag.co.nz Online Editor Alix Higby online@nexusmag.co.nz

Graphic Designer Haylie Gray design@nexusmag.co.nz

Managing Editor James Raffan james@nexusmag.co.nz

Advertising Advertising Manager Tony Arkell ads@nexusmag.co.nz

Contributors C-Ball, Regan, Kathlene Cook, Daniel Petersen, Matt Hicks, Morgahna Godwin, HP, Danyell Summers, Dr Richard Swainson, Dr Burton C Bogan, Jayde van Maanen, Jess Molina, Jess Tuakeu, Caitlin Ashworth, Jamie Hutton, Kylie Zinsli, Gil Denny, Amber and Aaron Letcher

Print Fusion Print

Nexus Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). The views expressed in this publication are not necessarily the views of Nexus magazine, the WSU, Printers, the editor or any of our advertisers. Ground Floor, Student Union Building Gate One, University of Waikato Knighton Road, Hamilton

online nexusmag.co.nz facebook.com/nexusmagNZ @waikatostudents

issue Three / VOLUME 45 / 11 MARCH / 2013 News

[3] News. [5] University news. [6] Sports thoughts. [7] Left vs Right: Closure of schools in Christchurch. [8] Not News.

Opinion

[10] Third Degree + Guest Rant [11] Random Profile - Ron Hayward Top 10. [12] Lettuce to the Editor.

Entertainment and Reviews [14] Film, Gig & CafĂŠ review. Horoscopes [15] Book, Comic & Album review. Horoscopes [16] Local Artist Gig Guide. [17] Eight Ball. Cool vs Not Cool. [18] Features - 100% Possible + Green on a Budget [22] Puzzles

Lifestyle

[23] Autuer. Mr Minty Fish. [24] NeXXXus Unsealed [26] Dark Tales of Flatting Carnage [27] House Blind Date [28] Slut DJ + Advice from my Folks [29] Boganology + RA + How to be an Adult [30] Alice and Anne + Trendspotting [31] Arts - Jamie Hutton

WSU

[33] Clubs Noticeboard [34] Presidentâ€™s Column. Veeps. [36] Ask Amber + Citizens Advice Bureau + YWRC [37] Was that you?

Editorial

Highlight Reel

By alix higby

this week in nexus // Pg: 09

Nexus has gone a little green this week. Blame that on me. I thought we’d get off on the right start, with some serious thought on how we are going to treat the earth this year. No, I’m not a “hippie” in the stereotypical sense of the word, but I do care. And I bet most of you do too, aside from that guy in my class who yelled “Sustainability sucks!!” last tutorial. Hey, I feel you. Group work is hard, especially in management. But at least university is getting you to think about the big issues. Sustainability, and the effect we have on the

something for the following weekend. Unproductive young bohemians? Pfft. That’s stereotyping, my friend. While it was a pretty good turn out, considering the apathy of modern students, I feel like more people should be getting involved in this sort of stuff. This is an extra curricular that actually impacts on our communities and the future. It’s not some slap-on-your-cv time-waster like Nexus (ah ha ha. I’m kidding. Please write for us.) I don’t know, you’ve probably stopped reading now anyway because your class on Organisational Behaviour seems

“...This is an extra curricular that actually impacts on our communities and the future. It’s not some slapon-your-cv time-waster like Nexus (ah ha ha. I’m kidding. Please write for us.)” future, is (unfortunately for that guy) one of them. Last Tuesday, I decided to pop into a meeting run by the Waikato team of the 100% Possible movement. You probably saw all their chalking on campus, if you were watching where you were going. I had no idea what to expect. What if it was a bunch of anti-establishment bohemians who were all anger and no action like popular culture had led me to believe? When I arrived, there was a retro looking bike out the front, baked gluten-free goodies on the tables, and some dudes sitting in blankets. Hard to judge. But I recognised a couple of people, and once you get talking to someone, these kinds of things get easier. Everyone was super friendly and inclusive and for the most part, incredibly positive (there were some hang ups about governmental non-action, and although understandable, not altogether productive.) The best bit was that they outlined some points of action, what had been done so far, and even started planning

suddenly much more appealing. The point is movements like this only take shape when there are enough people there to support it. You don’t have to leave your shoes at home, or sell your car. Just look at your life and answer me this; would your 50-year-old self be happy that you stood by and did nothing? Plus. It’s cool to care about the environment; even Channing Tatum knows that now (21 Jump Street, 2012)*. Be green, Waikato. The cows depend on you. Alix

Surviving St Patricks Day Nexus may be going green but the Irish have been doing it for years. Check out not news for your tips on surving St Pats and a new Northern Irish Pope.. // Pg: 18

100% Possible 80% probable, 60% possible with a +/- of 3%. Who knew fossil fuel reduction would be a math lesson. // Pg: 20

green on a budget Living on a budget? Of course you are you can’t afford other magazines. So why not live green. // Pg: 24

nexxxus unsealed section Real student sex stories involving Ancient Aliens and cheaters. // Pg: 27

*Incorrect APA referencing, but you get what I mean. house blind date Honestly this was a complete f@#king train wreck in the best possible way, check it out.

NEWS

NEWS THEN

Early 2012: The VC spells out the challenge and re-affirms his commitment to an eventual SmokeFree Campus

In a 2012 response to Jane Marsden of the Waikato Bay of Plenty Cancer Society, the Vice-Chancellor reaffirmed his commitment to eventually having a SmokeFree campus. This was a stance that was later repeated in VC On Demand. However in both instances Professor Crawford highlighted two major challenges. According to the Vice-Chancellor “One of our major challenges is the size and shape of our campus and potentially sending staff and students who smoke to the perimeters of a very large property and onto the roads surrounding it” It is worth noting at this point that we have not done any research into the steadily changing geographical nature of urban boundaries, but to our best estimate the University of Waikato has not suffered a significant reduction in size or shape in 2012, and unless we missed a telegraph or a wire, we have not heard of Waikato Management School seceding. Which leaves us with the question: what will the University do when a portion of nicotine loving students spend

about the news this week... This week the Nexus News Team is still talking about smoking but we promise to get a new hobby soon. To make it easier we have divided the SmokeFree 2014 issue into three easy parts: Then, Now and Soon. It’s our easy to follow system that lets you know how we got here and where we are and where we are heading. Enjoy and if you want to rage about the fact we haven’t talked about class enrolment sizes or asset sales or any of the other fun stuff we will get to next week then hit us up at lettuce@nexusmag.co.nz

all their spare time at Knighton or Hillcrest Road? Perhaps more importantly, what happens when your average student gets a coffee at Momento Lakes and then can’t be bothered walking the distance to gate one? Who is going to tell them they can’t do that? Which brings us to the next problem identified by the Vice-Chancellor. “Another challenge is the enforcement aspect of a smokefree campus.” Any policy that bans the consumption of a legally purchased product by those old enough to purchase it better have an effective strategy for enforcement, otherwise the policy change simply becomes a piece of paper, with little to no reflection of the reality it depicts. The current policy regarding smoking on campus has been signed off by Human Resources Management and all complaints or serious breaches of the policy should be directed to them and they will direct it the appropriate authority based on whether the parties involved are staff students or contractors. The actual policy states: 7. Any person who wishes to smoke on campus must be considerate of non-smokers, and must strive to ensure that their cigarette smoke does not affect them. 8. People on campus are entitled to request courteously that smoking does not take place in their vicinity if they feel affected by the cigarette smoke 9. Anyone who receives a request not to smoke is expected to respond cooperatively and courteously The Nexus News Team are not scientists but perhaps people can be expected to respond in a “calm, cooperative and courteous manner” because they are smoking the one

thing they perceive calms them down? Smokefree It’s What The Cool Kids Are Doing January 2010 ~ University of Auckland went smokefree – first in country. May 2010 ~ Otago Polytechnic January 2011 ~ University of Canterbury February 2012 ~ AUT April 2013 ~ Victoria University 2014 ~ University of Otago 2014 ~ University of Waikato? Higher educational establishments nationwide have taken a historically hard-nosed stance on tobacco. Over the past five or so years in particular, New Zealand universities and polytechnics have seen a substantive push toward campus-wide bans on smoking, spearheaded by the student referendum-prompted policy enacted by Auckland University in January of 2010. As a major player in the tertiary sector, Auckland’s bold move caused a flux of public discussion on the cigarette, most notably ‘the evils of’, and started a bandwagon rolling on which no self-respecting rocker would light up. Is this the domino effect in motion? A student referendum in Auckland started it all, but what’s the real driving force behind this viral proliferation of fag-forbidding policies? Is this really what Hamiltonian students want, or is the on-trend allure of plastering “smoke-free campus” over its promotional materials just too tempting for the university to resist? Now, we too can enjoy all the benefits of living with a decision that was never given to us to make – and Waikato can proudly stand up and be counted as one of the ever-increasing number of tertiary institutes taking a mildly disturbing interest in what students and employees alike are putting in their mouths. 3

NEWS

NOW

Keeping The Campus Beautiful

With the implementation of the ‘SmokeFree 2014’ policy, those who enjoy a spot of tobacco will be forced to the fringes of the campus, where, in all likelihood, they will congregate and fume. This means that Hillcrest and Knighton Roads are likely to see unusually elevated levels of disgruntled students and faculty wandering their lengths in the not-too-distant future, an issue similar to that faced by the University of Otago when, in 2010, it banned smoking within six metres of its buildings. Knighton Road is the portal between the university and Hamilton proper: essentially, the ‘face’ of our fine establishment. What kind of image will it project to dot angry cigarette wielders, huffing and puffing about

SOON

Good Cop, Bad Cop, Clean Air Cop?

How do you enforce a policy across students, staff, external contractors, and members of the public when each group has a different reporting structure and disciplinary processes? More importantly how do you ensure staff and student safety when choosing to enforce the policy? Nexus has heard of incidents of intimidation and staff and students feeling unsafe after attempting to enforce the respective smokefree polices at the Bay of Plenty Polytechnic and Manakau Institute of technology, this included inappropriate language, name calling and people threatening physical violence but we could find not find any documented complaints. As the University details smokefree 2014 provisions should be put in place regarding enforcement safety. But if that is the carrot where is the stick? Can discipline even be applied across the board? Take these scenarios 4

civil rights and injustice and the price of a decent smoke, right along its metaphorical and exceedingly lengthy nose? And what plans does Waikato University have in place to ensure that its public reputation doesn’t take a hit from the sudden appearance of disgruntled smokers getting theirs? There are schools along both these roads, and unless their pupils have the parents of the year, that kind of spectacle isn’t likely to win the university administration many admirers. Not to mention that on any given day, the traffic on Hillcrest Road is horrendous. Hordes of university students, moving as one solid mass across limited crossing space, regularly cause more congestion than a daily diet of nothing but two minute noodles and crushing financial uncertainty. There’s no conceivable way that the addition of nicotine-deprived smokers shame-facedly stealing a quickie before class can improve this experience. Take those instant noodles, add human tabasco, and you might be getting close to the projected pain levels conjured by this proposal.

1) I am student who gets told to put out my smoke by a staff member, do I a) Put it out till they walk away and light another one b) Refuse and make some insulting references to their age and parenting skills (they get angry ask me to provide a name I give them a fake one) c) Comply d) Smoke in front of them every time I see them Continued breaches of university conduct might result in disciplinary action 2) I am a staff member on campus if I get caught smoking by other staff it is an employment issue 3) I am an independent contractor on staff if I get asked to stop smoking and say no then the staff or student in question can track down the guy who sub contracted me, describe me, identify me and then my boss can take whatever action he sees fit. 4) I am a member of the public at a large conference, tournament or event such as balloons over Waikato. If someone tells me not to smoke I may genuinely just laugh 5) I am sitting at the Dons’ garden bar on campus watching the rugby on Friday night 6) I am sitting at the dons garden bar after a stellar man of the match performance for Universities/ Unicol/ Star Varsity 7) I am in my car in the car park.

NOW

But I Want To Quit Smoking

One of the legitimately excellent things to come out of a renewed focus on smoking on campus has been the introduction of a service to help you quit. The team at the Campus Pharmacy can now set up an interview with the pharmacist for anyone who wants to quit. The interview is free and talks about patterns that drive you to smoke, smoking and its effect on your health and possible treatment options. Usually this involves Nicotine Replacement Therapy such as nicotine patches in conjunction with nicotine gum or lozenges. The interview costs nothing and the patches are heavily subsidised. It helps that Kerry the pharmacist is actually genuine in his desire to help you quit smoking. So if you want to quit go have a chat with him at the store next to Momento Lakes by the green.

Putting aside the violence and intimidation whichever scenario you chose is the same story (with the exception of staff, you guys are screwed) it is going to be difficult to enforce a policy of smokefree2014 with a blanket rule for discipline.

SOON

What To Look For George Thomson of the University of Otago (Wellington Campus) addressed the issue of a smokefree campus in a 2012 Tertiary Conference in Wellington. Mr Thomson suggested that for a Campus to go smokefree it should take the following steps: Careful implementation planning; Regular, consistent, sustained communication (that worked best when partnered with Quitline); Ongoing of training of staff and students leaders; Leadership and administrative support; Campuswide buy-in; Access to Nicotine Replacement Therapy. All these factors should be looked at in more detail as the University unveils its plan for SmokeFree2014.

NEWS

UNI NEWS Student Survey Here at Waikato, we’d like to get to know our students. Please help us by filling in the quick survey sent to you through the Student E-News – it’s designed to rate the value and importance of various factors when considering university study. It should only take 4-5 minutes and you’ll be in to win an iPod nano.

CoMpleted your enrolMent? By now all students should have completed their enrolment process – if you haven’t done this yet you may be charged a $100 late enrolment fee. New students, you should have received your ID card as confirmation. Returning students, you should have re-registered your existing ID card. Drop by the Student Centre or call 0800 WAIKATO if you’re not sure whether you’ve completed your enrolment or not.

get aCtive with the reC Centre The Rec Centre is running a Student Enrolment Special - $375 for a 12-month membership, until 31 March. That works out to less than $7.25 per week and includes an exercise consultation, group exercise, use of sports hall, squash courts and more. Drop in to the Rec Centre or visit their website at www.reccentre.co.nz and click on the Student Enrolment Special link to take advantage! They also have a direct debit membership option ($8.95 per week) and activity courses available.

Student viSaS International students – please check your passport to see when your Student Visa expires. You must not let your visa expire or you will not be able to continue with your studies. If your Student Visa expires in March or April 2013, you can renew it at the student centre (Rooms M2.02 and M2.03 opposite main entrance, Level 2), 10am–4pm Monday– Friday, until Friday 22 March. No appointment is necessary. If you need more information email epermits@waikato.ac.nz

unigaMeS – enter now!

CareerS FeStival 20 MarCh Don’t miss your chance to speak with prospective employers and explore your career options at the Careers Festival, 10am-2pm Wednesday 20 March on the Village Green. More than 20 employers from all different sectors will be on site, including Mainfreight, NZ Steel, Carter Holt Harvey Pulp and Paper, Plant and Food Research, Gallagher, Beca, Mighty River Power, and the NZ Defence Force. There will also be a sausage sizzle and giveaways. Volunteers are also needed to help on the day – if you are interested, email your details including name and phone number to Claire Duthie on cduthie@waikato.ac.nz

The annual Unigames take place from 21-24 April in Dunedin and the Tribe (the Waikato team) will be competing. There are 13 sports: touch, rugby 7s, netball, basketball, volleyball, 6-a-side hockey, badminton, 20/20 cricket, ultimate frisbee, lawn bowls, handball, soccer and debating – if you want to join any of those teams, register at the Rec Centre. The cost is $499 per person which includes return flights, transport around Dunedin, accommodation, all meals, entry fees and a team hoodie. Visit www.uowsport.org.nz/club/unigames for more info.

5 A

NEWS

SPORTS THOUGHTS

TOP 3 HOPELESS NEW ZEALAND COACHES

Where have all the great coaches gone?

BRIAN McCLENNAN

Football fans around New Zealand have been sent reeling after Ricki Herbert recently resigned as manager of the Wellington Phoenix. Those wishing to get in touch with him are encouraged to head for the Wellington Mental asylum, after men in white coats dragged Herbert away in a straight jacket for making one of the most blatantly insane statements ever uttered on New Zealand shores. The ex-Wellington Phoenix manager said “I’ve had a long and very successful tenure at the club and will always be proud

made a sex tape and is therefore, logically, now a television personality and flagbearer for self empowered women. It’s downright disgusting Herbert managed to keep the coaching position for so long. The Warriors gave Brian McClennan a whopping 8 months before tossing him in the trash, ignoring the fact that his players had a fetish for big throws. How did the Wellington Phoenix and its fans accept such mediocrity year in, year out? Props go to Herbert for reminding me of Nelly Furtado’s rather lovely tune though.

“How anyone even bothers to go watch the games in Wellington confuses me greatly, but hey, so do pants finishing above the ankles...” of what I have achieved. But all good things must come to an end.” Firstly Ricki, your tenure wasn’t successful and you barely achieved anything. If the A-League wasn’t such a joke and relegated piss poor pathetic teams that finish last, the Phoenix would’ve exited the competition twice out of the six seasons they have bored everyone to death in. How anyone even bothers to go watch the games in Wellington confuses me greatly, but hey, so do pants finishing above the ankles, dickheads wearing 5panel caps, the current obsession with Jennifer Lawrence, and how Kim Kardashian 6

Flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things come to an end? Ignoring the fact that Ricki’s tenure definitely was not a ‘good thing’, it could possibly have ended because he was fucking horrid at coaching, and only tasted (mediocre) success with the All Whites who just drew with a few teams and average less than a goal a game under him. Holy shit, 90 minutes of sheer heart attack inducing excitement is what Ricki Herbert has brought New Zealand Football. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. By C-Ball.

Shame to see him on here. Took the Kiwi’s to a beasting 2005 Tri Nations victory, but had a woeful run with the Warriors in his first coaching job in the NRL in 2012. Was fired with games still left to be played, and the Warriors finished the season with a club record eight consecutive losses. Only player still trying for the team was Elijah Taylor - The Truth.

Andy Moles Basically had no real credentials, but somehow was appointed Black Caps coach. Go figure. Players thought he was a nice guy, but revolted against his methods and soon had him shown the door. Finished with a rather limp 9 wins from 19 ODI’s, and four drawn tests. That last statistic has the Phoenix potentially interested.

Ricki Herbert Self explanatory.

Left

Left vs Right THIS WEEKS TOPIC: Asset Sales.

NEWS

I’m playing substitute teacher for “The Left” this week because the usual writer couldn’t make it. Just like any teacher round the country I won’t be getting paid for it. Thanks again Novapay! Let me start by unleashing some partisan fury. Everything written by “The Right” below is complete horseshit! It comes from outdated myths of economic hegemony where job creators ride into town like old rich white male Oprah Winfrey’s and telling people to look under their seats “you get a job, you get a job, the whole country gets a job.” That shit doesn’t work. How do I know? There are five empty houses for every homeless person in America and two percent of people have 40 percent wealth, I stole those facts from OUSA’s Critic so they must be true.

The reality is the person writing “Right” needs to get their head out of their arse and realise that it isn’t cool to be an entitled jackass with a silver spoon in your mouth defending the decisions of a few powerful people while they royally screw your classmates and their families (I may have had too many (I may have had too many coffees today). At this point I want to step off the soapbox and pause for a minute to actually

Right from the get go, National has been clear about its intentions and although many New Zealanders are not in favour of the sales, the majority are still in favour of a National Government. The Opposition Parties behind the “keep our assets campaign” have pointed out that the sales are unpopular and they claim that a referendum is needed in order for the Government to have a mandate for action. It seems to me that the Opposition has ignored the most significant referendum of them all, the general election. The purpose of referenda is to gauge the public’s opinion. This has already been done. A robust election campaign filled with heated debate about the prospective sales saw National sweep to power, and although many have had their reservations about the sales, a great deal do not understand the intricate details of National’s policy and have entrusted the Government to act in their best interests. The public has been plagued by polls on this matter and since

Ok asset sales.

National will probably tell you they campaigned on it and have a mandate because they got elected. That’s not how this works and I am sick to death of BOTH sides ignoring the will of the people. It takes 75% of the house to get something constitutionally entrenched but selling off our power companies and other S.O.E.S? 50% +1. The Prime Minister might not realise that because he was busy releasing his inner Charlie Sheen on Wall Street during the 80s but a bunch of people suffered because we made the decision to sell Telecom and the Rails and it was a disaster. Solid work guys let’s try it again. Don’t get distracted by the referenda and what action will happen. Mighty River is already going lets just take a minute and let that sink in. Something you owned yesterday will be sold tomorrow but you can buy part of it back the next day. Not to over use a sentiment but asset sales are a horseshit, snake oil concept created by people who have never been working class, met the working class or considered the working class in anything they have ever done

RIGH

If any political issue of the current times has been debated to death, it is no doubt the issue of asset sales.

check what the topic is.

the Government is already aware of their general sentiments, this referendum is simply another tactic for the Opposition to achieve their agenda under a false conceived veil of democratic integrity.

some of the public may be uncomfortable with this fact, they accepted this policy when they chose to vote National. A referendum would be a farce. Labour and the Greens have been voted off the island. The tribe has spoken. Time to move on.

Its not surprising that the petition for a referendum gained the required number of signatures since the Greens have had a pool of tax payer funding with which to hire people to collect the signatures. Essentially the Greens have helped purchase a referendum at the expense of the ever-suffering taxpayer. Often referenda have no effect. The costly 2009 referendum on the Anti Smacking Bill saw Labour set the precedent for ignoring referenda when they acted against the wishes of 85% of New Zealanders. Since the Government got the go-ahead from the Supreme Court, a great deal of Kiwis have reregistered to buy shares in Mighty River Power indicating that the threat of a ‘foreign take-over’ is negligible.

This debate has turned into an epic struggle to save our country from exploitation but in reality the Government will still retain control of each of the companies and while

NEWS

NOT NEWS

Nexus Finds A Pope Perhaps the final edition of Nexus Picks a Pope. We are pretty sure by the end of the week the white smoke will be rising from the chimney and the Pope will be in place. So far we have suggested everyone from Brian Tamaki to David Bain and we thought for this last one we would put our best foot forward and go with the three we think could best do the job. We aren’t too sold on the idea of a Pope anyway, because if Jesus is coming back he isn’t really going to want to spend his time with a bunch of former Romans. And if JFK ever gets resurrected he ain’t buying a holiday home in Dallas, just saying. Vice-Chancellor Roy Crawford: He’s already got the accent

Actual Student Quotes From The Free Bus

Uncle Roy has been a staple fixture at the University for some time but even the most settled of birds must spread their wings and leave the nest eventually. I mean, sure, he is Northern Irish and we have never bothered to ask him what his religion is, but we think the bespectacled VC would make a great Pope regardless. Besides, now that the lake is clean - what is left? Pros • Any drunken whiskey slur sounds remotely Latin and who is going to call him on it? • Who wouldn’t trust a Northern Irish Priest? • After ten years here the politics and backstabbing of the Catholic church will seem like child’s play. Cons • Does he really want to go through more restructuring. • Being Jim Boldger’s right hand man must be tough but Jim doesn’t have the power to rain down sulphur (we think). • Good luck getting nine and a half million Italians to stop smoking.

“We know you’re not from Waiuku because you don’t have six fingers.” “If you wanna hump cover the stump.” “That girls gorgeous,” (to a friend) “She’s black as fuck, bro.” (response) “Oh whose is she? I call the front door!” “Aaron, you’re like a hiviz dick.” “I love gay marriage. I’ll gay marry you if you don’t shut up.” “Someone give that grumpy cunt a hug! Fuck! Snuggle death, bro.” “Ever masturbated about someone in a fluoro vest? Well, I’m about to.” “It’s hard to respect someone who has fucked your mum.” “Did they breathalyse the bus driver?” “Nah....luckily.”

Samuel L Jackson: The first mother fucking Pope mother fucker. This year has been a busy year for Sam Jackson. Starring in Tarintino’s Django Unchained, covering Taylor Swift, putting out the best children’s book ever and then encouraging the kids to get out and vote in a way only he can. But Pope? You’re goddam right he can do it. Pros • • • Cons •

As a former lord of the Jedi council he has cross-religion appeal. He was eaten by sharks with lasers. How awesome was that? He’s Samuel L. Jackson. There are no cons to this. Samuel L Jackson would be the best Pope you could ever have. Whichever eastern European or African pope they get will actually be a disappointment by comparison.

NEWS

And Now A Word From Our Censors... Surviving St Patricks Day Your only source for University gossip after it has been redacted to University standards of decency.

Spies from our network suggested this conversation went on in the Marketing Department. “What the fuck is an ori2013?” said dfasfas asffasfasfsa “I have no idea but I have a marketing plan for it. If we dsdgfasdg sdgdsg then we asdfelfk eatgfwekl can call it Wai-kat-O-Week.” “Do you think the students would like that?” “Maybe not but I have a plan for that. First we asdfasfasf asfsaf fasfas ga sfas gasdg asd safasf the occult. Then we fasdf s gasdkg dask asdkgjsdk aslgfasjk lasfas alsfjkasl asl;fjasl asdlfj to Zeus. If that doesn’t work we get asfasf asfasf to take five road cones and put them in the shape of a pentagram then ksafjas asklfjasklf asjfklasj lsafjasl for three days or until we start to track on twitter.” “I don’t know where you would even find a virgin to sacrifice and certainly not toward the end of O-Week, but even if we could are you sure it is going to work?”

This Sunday is St Patricks Day which depending on your level of cultural sophistication is either the day Catholics get together to celebrate the Feast of Saint Patrick (c. AD 385–461), or it is a day for rowdy students to torpedo Guinness from a can, paint themselves green, get hammered, throw on a bad accent and generally shit on centuries of Irish culture. As a public service this year Nexus is offering these tips to help you avoid making a drunken dick of yourself. · Jameson’s is a whiskey not a scotch. Think about that next time someone calls you Australian.

“How else do you think Winston Peters and New Zealand First got back into parliament?”

· “Can I have my Guinness with a dash of…” is not a sentence you should ever finish. You know what goes with well with Guinness? Guinness.

MEME OF THE WEEK

· Listening to the Drop Kick Murphy’s does not make you an expert on Irish music, they are from Boston. · This may sound outlandish but people who had family die in a potato famine don’t find those jokes funny. · While we are on the subject regardless of where you are and what day it is jokes about age old religious conflict and car bombs not cool. · Whether it is Biddy’s or Shenanigans don’t rock in like you own the place the “regulars” are tolerating your presence as much as you would if 300 bald fifty year old named Mick or Paddy walked into Bar 101 and got hammered on backdrafts.

trivial facts

Male lobster’s bladders are in their heads, and when they fight, they squirt each other in the face with urine.

A group of penguins in the water is called a “raft.” A group of penguins on land is called a “waddle.”

Hammerhead sharks’ heads are soft at birth so they won’t jam the mothers’ birth canals.

March was the first month of the year in ancient Rome. It was named after Mars, or Ares, the Greek god of war.

Jellyfish have lived in the oceans for more than 650 million years, long before the dinosaurs.

Enjoy it. Have a safe, fun St Patricks day and remember the only way to cure a Guinness hangover is to harden up and walk it off.

One in five people in Singapore is a millionaire, making it the city/state with the most millionaires per capita. The smile is the most deceptive facial expression. Of the 18 different smiles, only one, the Duchenne smile, reflects genuine happiness. 9

oPINION

THIRD DEGREE GUEST RANT Questions 01_ What did you think of ORI2013? 02_ Would you take part in a Nexus Blind Date? Why / why not? 03_ Would you rather be attacked by a thousand duck sized horses or one horse sized duck?

Alia 17, Conjoint Law & Management

01_

David Bennett.

02_ Sure, why not. 03_ I will go with horses, a big

Welcome to the University of Waikato for 2013. Thank you for choosing to study in Hamilton and best wishes for your time here. Not only have you chosen a great University but also an awesome city to live in. Hamilton is one of the fastest growing centres in New Zealand and will provide you with many opportunities.

Considering I didn’t go to town, it was terrible, nah, it was pretty cool.

duck would be pretty creepy.

University is a time to study but also a time to enjoy yourself, so be prepared to make new friends, do different things and enjoy your time here. Work really hard as well as it will determine your future career prospects.

Ash 21, Engineering

01_ Yeah, it was alright. Nothing

“Make a point of doing at least one thing a month that’s outside your comfort zone.”

compared to Auckland.

02_

No. I am enjoying the single life at the moment.

03_ A horse sized duck.

Brooke 28, BCMS

01_ I liked the bands that they had here. The atmosphere was pretty cool.

02_

Probably not, because I would probably be to old for any potential suiters you had.

03_ A thousand duck sized horses.

At Waikato you will have the chance to meet different people and do different things. Make a point of doing at least one thing a month that’s outside your comfort zone. Challenge yourself and try to make new friends. Also remember to look out for the people around you as there maybe challenges in your life at this time. If you are in the Halls of Residence or flatting then you will make lifelong friends. So build those friendships and have a balanced time at the University of Waikato. While at the University it’s a good idea to make sure you keep up with your fitness so play a sport or two and join some of the clubs on campus. Also, the WSU does a great job at the University, so support it and attend its fundraisers. This is a great stage in your life. Work hard and have fun. Enjoy all Hamilton and the University of Waikato has to offer.

OPINION

RANDOM PROFILE

TOP TEN Top Ten Census Predictions 10_ Christchurch will actually have a

09_

Ray Hayward.

population of minus 300. Contrary to everything ever said about the place Gore does not need more libraries.

08_

Stay-at-home mum now listed as Taranaki’s third largest employer. What do you do/how long have you been doing it? Security Manager UoW Cover security, campus safety, Emergency preparedness & parking.

What’s been the weirdest thing you’ve found around campus? Had to think about that, shoes and clothes by the lake and nobody about.

Employed here for 11yrs currently.

If you could play any instrument, what would you like it to be? Guitar, but I am tone deaf!

Ultimate student food, two minute noodles or toast? Toast with marmite!

What’s the worst fashion choice you’ve ever made? Letting my mother buy my shirts.

Gandalf or Dumbledore? Who cares? I am not from Matamata.

Who do you think would win in an argument, Sheldon (from Big Bang Theory) or Sherlock (from Sherlock Holmes)? Sheldon Cooper – no doubt sir.

What’s the first thing you read when you flick through Nexus? To make sure parking isn’t featuring. Favourite YouTube animal video? (Cats? Sloths? Pandas on a slide?) Gee that’s tough, too many to choose from. If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, what would be your weapon of choice? Chainsaw, a big one!

What’s your favourite obscure Olympic sport? (Synchronised swimming? Rhythmic gymnastics? etc) Is beach volleyball obscure? If we invited you to a shared lunch, what would you bring? Chicken & bread rolls, my favourite.

07_

87% of the country still think Auckland are douchebags.

06_

05_

04_

03_

02_

01_

A huge shift in religion with more “Jedi’s” than “Destiny Church.” Side note if you put Destiny Church as a religion you may be confusing religion with location. Only one person in the entire country listed themselves as living in a car, but owning a beach as property. We still love you Jamie McDell, come back soon. It was just as embarrassing for the Census people to read that you have a bachelor of leisure studies as it was for you to write it. 70% of Wellingtons will list them selves as a struggling artist making $25,000 or less, the other 30% are politicians or government employees. Because of this the aver age annual income of a Welling- tonian will be $635,000. This one is less prediction and more advice. If you are a Law student do not look at the census results because there are a shitload of people with your degree, honours and a post grad in marketing that list their occupation as petroleum transfer technician at Mobil. That guy who spends all Census day bragging on the internet about how he didn’t take the census seriously is going to die alone. No one took it that seriously but when we are on the internet we are looking at porn, not politics.

OPINION

LETTUCE TO THE EDITOR. Nexus loves getting your letters. We also love it if they are funny, intelligent and well written. Mainly we will be happy if you keep them under 250 words, it saves us having to cut them down. Please remember to give us a real name when you send them in even if you want to write with an alias. Email us at Lettuce@nexusmag.co.nz or... facebook.com/nexusmagNZ

Suck it Craccum. Dear Nexus Thanks for being so much nicer to read than the craccum. Yours sincerely, An EX-UoA student

Law Drinking Game Hi Nexus Here’s a drinking game for all those who are too sober to manage the two hour hell they call a law lecture. Drink when: · Anything is said/written in Latin; · Any time a case by Lord Cooke is men tioned (double if it is related to the Treaty); · A mature student asks a question; · The lecturer right clicks and the clicks next to move to the next slide; · Someone comments that they disagree with someone else’s view of the Treaty of Waitangi; · Take one drink for every minute the lecture stays on the same slide after being on it for 20 minutes already; · Any time the lecture says ‘3 humps’ (first years only); · Whenever someone asks a question about an assignment where they are clearly try ing to exceed the word/page limit (e.g. font size, margins, bibliographies, title pages etc) [double if it’s a mature student]. Finish your drink when: · Someone asks a question about their ‘friend’ who got arrested; · The lecture calls I.T.; · The lectures loses control of the class dur 12

#nexuslettuce.

ing a debate about the Treaty; The lecture doesn’t give you a break because he/she is running behind schedule. · Someone answers their phone while they are still in the room. Multipliers: Double the amount of drinks for each category you fall in: · A mature student (25+); · Sitting the paper for a second time; · Have done all the readings prior to attending; · A Maori student and received at least $1000 of scholarships this year. Anybody should feel free to add to this or make one for their own subject (I’m looking at you management students). L.

Asset Sales As you may have heard last week, the Supreme Court made their decision, on the Maori water rights claim (note not ownership). As expected they sided with the government, a cynic might suspect cronyism thou, with 4 of 5 judges appointed by the Governor-general during Key’s prime minstership. With the ink barely settled in the media, Key makes his announcement on when Mighty River Power is likely to be floated on the Australian stock exchange. A very good sign for keeping the stocks in the hands of Kiwi mum and dad investors. Not only has Key had to bide his time, scared of the Supreme Courts ruling, he has had to deal with,the other side of political spectrum, the Keep Our Assets campaign, has

reportable reached 400 thousand signatures, 75 thousand more then the needed 10% of the voting age population. In the coming months this referendum will be happening, yet another thorn in the side of the unpopular policy. If the hurdles from opponents of the sales, inside and outside of parliament, keep putting a spanner in the works, of our fearless leader’s plans, he may have no choice but to call for an early snap election, to seek a new false mandate. While a snap election is unlikely, the citizens initiated referendum is practically guaranteed at this point, now is the time to ensure your enrolment details are up to date (or enrol for the first time), you can do this online at www.elections.org.nz

Pissed off with Studylink To all the teachers having to deal with nova pay I’m sure you’re have a hard time but at least now you have a vague idea of what studylink is like all the time! I have talked to many students and former students and not one of them had a nice thing to say about studylink and I can only agree. I’m a first year student and for 2 weeks now I have been refused living costs and course related costs (which I need for stationary and living) with the only reason being that I apparently hadn’t provided evidence of my bank account (which I had done 2 different times) after numerous attempts at calling and emailing them a never getting a single response. I finally got to a real person (after listening to dave dobbin for 15 minutes on hold) and it turns out they had received evidence of my bank account just not bothered to process it so it took the guys literally 5 seconds to do that. So thanks studylink for taking two weeks to do something that took five seconds and forcing me to live without the $340 I needed and to pay for my all stationary out of my own pocket. Yours Yet another happy and currently broke studylink customer

DISCLAIMER Letters published contain the opinion of the writer and the writer alone. Nexus publications take no responsibility for the content or opinions so expressed. By submitting your letter you give consent to its publication in Nexus and subsequent public scrutiny. Letters are the authors own work and Nexus will not edit to compensate for lack of intelligence or coherency. Nexus reserves the right to edit or refuse to publish any letter which breaches any law, is defamatory to any person, or contains threats of violence or hate speech.

OPINION

Students get deals worth screaming about at Westfield Chartwell.

utS

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entertainment & reviews

pay & cafÉ

dora’s cafÉ GIG LIDO CINEMA film

LINCOLN

DRIVE-IN MOVIE NIGHT Rating:

Rating: Not knowing an awful lot about American history, Lincoln was certainly a history lesson and a half. Watching a bunch of old white guys get their beards in a twist for two and a half hours might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it was certainly an incredibly interesting and beautiful movie. While it is cinematically glorious, it also manages to transport the audience back into the 1800s without glamourising it. There is no romance, just a lot of very old and very cold looking people. What has stood the test of time, however, is the underlying nature of politicians. The general deceit and unpleasantness, which were rife in the White House of 1865, can still be seen today if you ever watch ParliamentTV. There is the feeling that it drags a little towards the end, however one thing is for certain – Daniel Day-Lewis without a doubt deserves his Best Actor Oscar. I would go so far as to say it rivals, if not beats his previous Oscar winning performance in There Will Be Blood.

Have you ever felt nostalgic for something you didn’t even know existed? Author C.S. Lewis coined the term sehnsucht and the term is defined as a “longing and nostalgia for a faroff home one has never visited”. That’s exactly how I felt when I went to the Drive-In movie night organised by the WSU. Grease was showing. How could I not? I managed to drag a friend to this shindig (shoutout to David Arcus you da best) and despite numerous failed attempts to ‘instagram’ the event; it was a really great night. Gate 2b proved to be the perfect venue to put a big screen up and get cosy with chairs and/ or a picnic mat. Movie nights aren’t complete without snacks and the free popcorn was such a bonus especially for those who came empty handed. As we stayed in the car, I got excited when a message popped up on screen telling us to tune our radio in a certain station to get the sounds in our car. I am now “hopelessly devoted” to drive-in movie nights and really wish that there would be more to come because it’s “the one that I want”. Props if you got the reference.

Rating: The opportunity to try out a new café, what’s more a café that serves up all day breakfast is irresistible to a breakfast-crazed girl like me. Dora’s café is a quaint, cosy, simple little café situated just along Collingwood Street. Despite the hushed street of an early Friday morning, Dora’s café is busied by friendly staff serving up a variety of teas and coffee. The Macchiato I took to order was nicely hot, strong and aromatic, just superb. Breakfast options include a small range of baked goodies such as cakes, muffins, scones and pastries. Otherwise choose between 10 listed options from the All Day Breakfast Menu if you fancy a heavier breakfast. Meals from the menu may come across a little pricey for average students but are of good portion, good ingredients and definitely tasty. You will find classical combinations like eggs benedict, salmon-topped bagel, bacon and eggs or how about a gluten free option of toasted muesli with yogurt? It appears that Dora’s is frequented by many regulars who pop in for a quick caffeine fix or meet up with colleagues or old friends.

By Jess Molina.

Well I must say, give Dora’s a go if you like the idea of a great atmosphere simply to chill, while accompanied by a good meal and/or drink be it morning person or not.

ARIES

taurus

gemini

(21 mar - 20 apr)

(21 apr - 21 may)

(22 may - 21 june)

Happiness: Somewhere on this campus there are virgin math geeks who looked at the “perseverance” horoscope. They calculated it and will write lettuce about it. You are not one of those people, be happy about it.

Loneliness: Sometimes love does know some bounds and when he chewed through those bounds he escaped your flat. His friends have been looking for him since the Jungle Party, psycho!

Gullibility: You’re reading horoscopes. What’s worse is in “optimism” we admitted someone wrote them.

Oh and if you’re a fan of facial hair, make sure to watch for James Spader and Bruce McGill.

HOROSCOPES

entertainment & reviews

MARK ONE comic

The Underwater Welder

By Jeff Lemire

book

The Rosie Project By Graeme simsion Rating: Having a friend with Asperger’s Syndrome in the 2010s is like having a gay friend in the 2000s. Everyone’s got one. So naturally novels are starting to appear with ‘aspies’ in the starring role. The Rosie Project is one of these. Professor Don Tillman is lonely and wants a wife. So in true aspie fashion he sets out to get one by drawing up a questionnaire. The successful applicant has to tick every one of Don’s boxes in order to gain his approval. Not surprisingly this method doesn’t prove very successful and our protagonist is left wondering how he will achieve true love.

album

MILES

Rating:

The Underwater Welder has been called the “most spectacular episode of The Twilight Zone never produced”, and I would say that description is bang on the money.

This one man, drum machine-enhanced cyborg/musician has a lot going for him. Firstly, he has the best ultra-nerd band name I’ve heard in a while. Secondly, he has been signed to indie NZ label, Lil’ Chief Records, allowing creative freedom and a launch pad to bigger things. But most importantly, his version of stripped back electro-pop is infectious, dark and geeky. He has just released a four song E.P. entitled Miles that you can download free/koha from bandcamp.com and you should. You really should.

Jeff Lemire (Animal Man, Justice League Dark) tells the haunting tale of Jack, a soonto-be dad who has yet to come to terms with his own father’s sudden death years ago. One night, working off a deep-sea rig as an (you guessed it) underwater welder, Jack has a deep-sea experience that is both haunting and profound. I was a little disappointed in the end to find that, as it turns out, all of the doctors didn’t have pig snouts or that by ‘to serve man’ they didn’t mean for dinner (watch The Twilight Zone if you haven’t!) That is to say the ending was entirely expected with no real twist to be found. However, the emotional power of this book’s conclusion cannot be understated: it is the journey, not the predictable destination, that is so compelling.

Opening track, Love Hate, comes with synth influenced keys and a croon that might be better suited to the broody music of Morrissey or The Veils. But that drum machine kicks in and adds a spring to Mr ‘Chunes step. He has a depth in the chorus of yearning and self-loathing that is hard to dismiss.

Reviewed by Kevin Pryor

http://www.mk1.co.nz/ www.facebook.com/Mark1Comics

He teams up with pop-ster Zowie for the love song Cinnamon Pop Dream, showing a swirling yet creepy restraint. The echos and blast of drums give an eerie feeling like an abandoned circus while the lyrics are sickly sweet. And that appears to be at the core of what grabbed me about this pop anti-hero; the two sides of him sitting side by side. He seamlessly moves between romance and grime. Dance and despair. It is a sound hidden amongst the Kids of 88 chirps in the track Tucan and the Boy Crush feedback of final number, Your Touch. This new comer is someone to watch, his depth is subtle and his songs ones you will return to. Or at least put back in your pokeball for another battle.

cancer

leo

virgo

(22 june - 23 july)

(24 july - 23 aug)

(24 aug - 23 sep)

Excitement: Really? it’s week three you should be bored by now.

Broke: That’s right this week you realise that students are so poor that the term “broke” literally becomes an emotional state.

Mellow: You may not even be reading a magazine at this point. There is every chance that people are staring at you now. Quick, spin the thimble this may all be a dream.

The key to winning Don’s heart eventually lies within the Psychology Dept. (where else?). I won’t describe the plot further, but there’s a great sense of humor running through the novel that enables it to transcend your usual love story. It also gains points for originality by having a Professor as the main character, who will remind you of about fifty percent of the lecturers you’ll have this semester.

The power of a book like this would be dampened (heh) if the images that accompanied it didn’t fit as perfectly as Jeff Lemire’s do: this is truly a creator at the top of his game. I highly recommend you try this great book out, just take a deep breath and dive in ... Into the cold, wet embrace of The Twilight Zone (I totally stole that from the books intro).

entertainment & reviews

WHAT I LISTEN TO

gig guide

Matt Hicks and an intro to sweet sounds.

Serious FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) getting you down? Shoulda taken that gig guide seriously, bro.

Foals – Inhaler

Cake – Short Skirt, Long Jacket

I’m currently thrashing the crap out of this track. It’s the first single from their album Holy Fire and shit does it stand out. This amazing synth and punchy drums intro that puts you in the seat of an American 80s cop show and then out of nowhere – FALSETTO SINGING! I can’t explain why it works but the musical alchemy at play makes this song so much more than the sum of its parts. Tis a mighty tune to travel to!

As a kid who played B flat trumpet for a couple years, it’s nice to know there are some great songs that feature brass front and centre. Cake are an infinitely cool band and despite this song being played to death, I’m somehow still not sick of it. Long before the golden age of hipsters, Cake were all about the classy, sexy, brunettes.

Wednesday 13th

The Who – Real Good Looking Boy

Andrew WK – Not Going To Bed From his 2006 album Close Calls With Brick Walls. I’ve always loved Andrew WK. The man is pure dumb, drunk, positive partying. This song is a big, stupid Ramones-inspired party anthem and despite the fact that it’s basically a Wiggles track with a distortion pedal it never fails to make me feel like downing a shot and partying with my pants off. Beastie Boys – Unite My teenage years were heavily coloured by Beastie Boys. Hello Nasty is one of my favourite albums and this oft-forgot track has a classic Beastie’s 8bit game influenced beat, a massive bass drop to test any sound system in the middle and dope lyrics. Also it’s got a great message, UNITE y’all!

To this day, The Who remain the best sounding live act I’ve ever heard. Seems weird that a song they released in 2004 made my top five and not one from 1974, but I love this track. After no new releases for 15 years, they bust out a dedication to Elvis borrowing the piano line from I Can’t Help Falling In Love. It’s got all the hallmarks of a great Who track: crashy drums, driving piano, fantastic plucky rock guitar and Townshend’s amazing words being pushed through Daltry’s soul. Wouldn’t mind being buried to this one. By Matt Hicks

True Crime and Cold Cases Garden Place Library, 6:30 pm It’s New Zealand Book Month and for all you crime/suspense/mystery fans out there, true crime author Scott Bainbridge is coming for you! Skint House Bar, 6-9 pm Sick of takeaways and maccas? $5 pizzas and drink deals are heading your way! 2 for 1 Cocktails Grand Central Hotel, 5-10 pm Liquid dinner more of your thing? Holla at your girl!

Thursday 14th Room Service Grand Central Hotel, 9 pm onwards Couldn’t go out on a Wednesday? No class on Friday? This is the place to be! Dj Kaon on the deck too.

Friday 15th Bombstrappers, White Devil (AUS), X-ray Fiends, Blood Bags, Boring Girls Static, 9 pm onwards If you haven’t seen any of these bands live yet, then what are you doing with your life? 8 Foot Sativa Live Altitude Bar and Nightclub, 8 pm Kiwi Assault Tour. This night promises to be massive!

Saturday 16th Netsky LIVE Claudelands Arena, 9 pm onwards Missed out on seeing Netsky at RnV (no, I’m not bitter, I swear)? Well no more excuses because he is coming to Hamilton!!! Bonus: He’s got some awesome homegrown support from Dan Aux, CTFD, iWan, and Willapede. Get Green, St Patricks Day Party Agenda, 11 pm onwards Wear green and celebrate. Bringing your own leprechaun is optional. Got a gig you want us to include here? Email us at gigs@nexusmag.co.nz

libra

scorpio

sagittarius

(24 sep - 23 oct)

(24 oct - 22 nov)

(23 nov - 21 dec)

Feel: But only with consent. “Nexus horoscopes told me to grope you” is not a legal defence no matter how cute your political science lecturer is.

Smile: Your flatmates still think that strange smell from your bedroom is just poor hygiene.

Worry: You are right. That strange smell coming from your new flatmates room is a homemade meth lab. Thanks again Breaking Bad.

08 entertainment & reviews

COOL VS NOT COOL

eight ball

tHREE THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME RIGHT NOW AND THREE THINGS THAT AREN’T SO MUCH. COOL Orc Ball during Cultural Hour 1000x better than Rugby, why Orc Ball isn’t our national sport is completely beyond me.

Welcome to the 8 ball. In the depths of my gooey black ass I will answer the secrets OF THE universe. You may not like MY answerS but lets be honest who else is going to tell you the truth, ugly.

Will YOLO become old like its mum STFU? SMH. And you’re doing university degree?

Who is the real Spartacus? Loaded question. Ask God, he has an answer for everything. Or you could ask the Pope, he may not have the answer but he’ll give you a really ‘meaningful’ apology if he doesn’t. Getting free pizza for being a class rep You might have looked like a dick in O Week, but who’s the one with free pizza now.

Seeing classmates in town That guy from ARTS101 shall forever be known as “Outback Table Dancer”

Will the smoke free policy mean my preggers misses finally gets some excersise? Let me guess, the baby was a mistake? You met at the Outback didn’t you? #Shesakeeper . Some say running around the lake is exercise, I choose not to believe that. If the cow jumps over the moon will Fonterra get a cut? Magic 8 Ball just pissed black shit everywhere laughing. #FonterraisthenewJesus Will Bar101 write to my mom to explain my grades? It’s possible. Although they still haven’t explained why my ‘friend’ got crabs from the toilet seat.

NOT COOL

How many times will I be admired from afar this year? Many. You’re beautiful.

Not knowing if the class starts on the hour or at ten past. Even worse when your lecturer doesn’t know either.

Will I ever stop being shamed for my O-week antics? It’s been 5 years. I’m still trying to block out the bad memories. Goodluck. My lecturer is hot, should I go for it? Fuck yes. Pimp that hoe. Whatever happened to wheel cake man? I miss my daily intake of Taiwanese pancake goodness.

I haven’t told my flat I’m Gay should I do it? Slap yourself in the face, do a shot of vinegar and walk down that hallway and tell them. If your flatties are dicks about it then I wish a 1000 shitty adult nappies under their christmas tree. Be free man, be free. #Realtalk

Jandal Tan Feet don’t need racing stripes.

capricorn

aquarius

pisces

(22 dec - 20 jan)

(21 jan - 19 feb)

(20 feb - 20 mar)

Optimism : Sure the economy is bad and career opportunities are shrinking but at least you are not the guy sitting alone in an office on a Thursday night writing one note horoscope jokes for first years.

Pessimism: The guy who is paid to live in his own country, drive round in a bullet proof golf cart and get admired by billions of Catholics and be the voice of God thought his job was too tough and quit. What hope do you have?

Perseverance: Stick with it. There are only 53,280 minutes till the mid semester.

Feature

feature

Moving beyond fossil fuel is 100% possible.

It won’t make any difference. We’re insignificant. We can’t afford it. Let’s be realistic here. It’s just not possible. We’ve grown pretty used to hearing statements like this from our leaders when it comes to tackling climate change. Apparently we all need to accept that building an economy fit for the future is not possible right now - don’t mind the consequences. But the consequences cannot be ignored, the science is clear and not taking action on climate change is inexcusable. In Aotearoa and around the world, young people are outraged at the lack of action on climate change. While every other generation has inherited a world with a promise for greater prosperity and a brighter future – our generation is facing an inheritance of ecological and economic debt, rising sea levels, poisoned ecosystems, a lack of water, international famine and mass migration. This is why a collaborative campaign between Generation Zero, 350.org and the WWF was started. This campaign demonstrates that not only is reducing our dependence on fossil fuels sensible, it is also 100% possible. Here are just 3 of the reasons we know this is true. - EECA estimates that NZ businesses could save $2 billion a year by implementing energy conservation solutions that are already available. - Last year New Zealand spent almost as much importing oil as it did exporting milk.

- Our wind energy potential is estimated to be 3X our current electricity demand. The solutions to our addiction to fossil fuels are already here; it is not resources or technical ability that is lacking. What is lacking is political willpower, leadership. We need to create a political environment where our leaders are driven to take action to reduce our usage of fossil fuel. - Denmark plans to be completely fossil fuel free by the year 2050. - Seville, Spain increased bike travel tenfold by building high quality cycle networks. - 7 out of 10 New Zealanders want the government to invest more in public transport. But this isn’t just about solving a looming crisis; this is an opportunity for us to create a world for future generations that is clean, thriving and offers a good life to everyone. A future where we do not listen when people tell us that creating a better world is not possible, because it is 100% possible. The 100% possible campaign will work to make this vision of the world a reality, New Zealand must move down the path towards a sustainable future, much of the rest of the world is already heading down that path and we cannot afford to be left behind. We will shepherd New Zealand in the right direction. If you would like to help or keep informed then go to 100percentpossible.org.nz and sign the declaration for a fossil fuel free Aotearoa.

Feature

Green on a budget Alix discovers that going green doesn’t have to mean going broke.

Being environmentally friendly has always been seen as expensive. Whether you feel that you cannot financially afford green alternatives, or you just don’t have the time, you’re probably just consuming yourself into a corner. I’d like to point out that recycling is now a done thing. If you don’t recycle, you’re a jackass. Even if you don’t check for triangles on every plastic container, you probably still half fill that green bin every week anyway. This never used to be the case. Recycling once was seen as a monumental effort. Sifting through your rubbish was just a waste of a sleep-in. But eventually it became mainstream, and our society created the facilities to process our paper, glass, cans, and most plastics. These things catch on once you gain some momentum. Climate change isn’t going away, and if you’re still denying this, then you’re as bad as David Irving. The rest of the planet seems to be catching on, with grass roots campaigns popping up all over the globe and actually driving change. Tokelau is now completely supported

by solar energy. I know, there are only about 1,400 people there, but it’s still an impressive step in the right direction. Imagine if the university was solar powered? We may all think that one person is not enough to do much, but if American Idol and X Factor have taught us anything, it’s that every vote counts. So here are five smart, and cost-free ways to switch up your individual habits for a better future. Power Save. Don’t worry about investing in energy efficient appliances or expensive energy saving devices. Yet. As a student, you get a free pass on this until you land a decent job. Instead, turn things down – only blast your music at worthwhile parties and don’t overheat your home if you’re walking round in a singlet and shorts. If you leave a room, turn the light off. Don’t use a TV for “background noise” – just plug your headphones into your iPod and listen to that while you study. Your power bill, and the earth, will thank you.

Grow your own! This is a great idea for money saving. If you know any avid gardeners, ask to steal a couple of cuttings and plant them in your own backyard or pot them inside. Outdoor gardens can be difficult to maintain if you have a busy schedule (the cats slept on my broccoli – RIP.) But start simple - herbs are great to keep in the kitchen, as you can add them fresh to cheap meals like pasta or burritos. Just get into a habit of keeping them tidy and watered. Once you’ve got that down, invest in some tomato and lettuce plants – when you get home so late the supermarket is closed, you won’t regret it and neither will your waistline. Walk or Bike. If you are within walking or biking distance to the uni, then you really should be walking or biking. I may sympathise with you on those wet and rainy days, but at the moment there are really way too many vehicles on campus. There are so many upsides to this; it’s just a matter of getting off your ass! This is exercise

feature

– it’ll get rid of all the junk in your trunk, and clear your foggy study brain. It saves you money - no tank to fill. It’s more efficient - no more time driving in circles trying to find a park and ending up 10 minutes late to class. Try it once this week, you will feel oh so accomplished and it won’t even be midday. Carpool. If it is truly impractical to be walking or biking to campus – then reassess your fuel use. That shit ain’t cheap, and it sure as heck ain’t good for the trees neither. It’s easy to carpool; it just requires a little adjustment of timetables. For example, if you have class from 9-2 and your flatmate has class from 11-4, then you travel together, get a Ride Link carpark, and are both on campus from 9-4. The extra hours spent here can only lead to some actual study, right? You can reduce your fuel outgoings by half, and that will make a sizable difference to your bank balance.

Ditch Disposables. Stock up on some sturdy, reliable containers for carrying your homemade lunch to uni, it’s much more cost effective. You can re-use these things for years – my mum still has the Tupperware she used for my lunch when I was five! It’s much more earth-friendly to re-use these things than constantly binning snaplock bags, Glad wrap, or tinfoil. And you’ll never be unexpectedly caught out with nothing to hold your marmite and cheese sandwiches. If anything, just pick one area of your life that you are being unnecessarily wasteful and aim to make a change. If everybody did this, it would make a huge difference to our overall consumption. Then maybe the government would feel that they could affordably start shifting to more renewable energy sources. Maybe. We just gotta show ‘em that we care. The earth is not Carly Rose Sonenclar, it doesn’t have a chance without our vote, and it shouldn’t come second.

entertainment & reviews

Puzzle Page

Crossword ~ General Knowledge

2 3

Across Clues 3. Lower than (of amount, eg.) 4. Michael Jackson’s singing sister 7. Opposite of ‘early’ 8. Slowly, at a __’s pace 10. Ingredient in chocolate 14. City of ancient Greece renowned for discipline 15. Swiss tennis champion, Roger _____ 17. Large Australian bird 18. Large group of mammals

6 7

Complete the puzzle page, be the first to bring it in and show us, and you’ll win stuff!

12 13 14

17 18

Down Clues 1. Naval officer, __ admiral 2. Twelve-monthly 5. Empty vessels make the most ____ 6. Expert competitor (karate, eg.), black __ 9. Having a pH greater than 7 10. Gambling game with two dice 11. Organ (of cow, eg.) which secretes milk 12. U.S. writer famed for short stories, Edgar Allan ___ 13. Title of a married Spanish woman 16. Heavy hard wood

Wuzzle EclipseCrossword.com

Hub Words How many words can you make? Each word must contain the hub letter G. Can you find a 9-letter word and at least 20 other words of five letters or more avoiding proper nouns?

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Sudoku ~ Easy

lifestyle

Auteur Auteur relives the glory days of Louis Armstrong.

Louis Armstrong was more than just jazz’s most influential and important solo artist. He was also, after a fashion, a movie and television star, albeit one whose early appearances before the camera were severely constrained by the racism of mainstream American popular culture. If many of his small and cameo roles in 1930s and 1940s films required Armstrong to caricature himself and his race by the 1950s he had become an icon, a talent so rare and

special that he transcended all the rules usually associated with African American performance. Auteur House has a wide range of Armstrong material, from his first real acting role in the 1936 Bing Crosby vehicle Pennies from Heaven to his appearance on The Johnny Cash Show, duetting with the host just nine months prior to his death in 1971. What follows is a list of the best of Armstrong on film and television currently stocked by Auteur House. 1. Jazz (Ken Burns, 2001). There is disappointingly little footage of Armstrong performing in his prime but this superb, 12 part documentary series contains most of it. To watch Satchmo circa 1932 playing to an awestruck Scandinavian audience is to behold genius.

2. The Glenn Miller Story (Anthony Mann, 1954). Playing himself, fancifully jamming with James Stewart’s Glenn Miller on “Basin Street Blues”, Armstrong adds a touch of class and authenticity to a sentimental, romanticised biopic. 4. High Society (Charles Walters, 1956). Armstrong’s best-known role, the to-camera narrator in a remake of The Philadelphia Story. His rapport with Bing Crosby in “Now You Has Jazz” is a particular high point. 5. Louis Armstrong & His Friends (Various directors, 1950s). A compilation of 1950s television appearances, there are riches galore here. Armstrong shares the limelight with everyone from Hoagy Carmichael to Dizzy Gillespie but reigns supreme over both contemporaries and bebop newcomers.

Mr Minty Fish The Fish is desperate. Send her some #love. Growing up is overrated. So is Spawn Pizza. It’s ok... Nothing to make a viral video about how you can’t hug every pizza though. In other news, hoooow are you. I hope you’re well. I’m well. Btw just know that if you’ve been looking at the girl down the row from you, she saw. She’s going to meet her friends in the bathroom later and over exaggerate how you were ‘stalking’ her. Sucks bro. Sucks real bad.

6. The Five Pennies (Melville Shavelson, 1959). Todays gunna be random. Mainly because I’ve got bronchitis and ain’t nobody got time for that. I’m sorry, I lied. Not about me not having time for Mondays, but about being enough of a sassy black woman to pull off “not having enough time for that.” If you’re confused; sexually or otherwise; just Google it. #sponsored #notsponsored #ermergerd #hashtagsinnexus

A much more realistic musical than The Glenn Miller Story, this biopic of Red Nichols also showcases Armstrong in a more sustained and satisfying manner. The climactic duet with Danny Kaye on ‘When the Saints Go Marching In’ is a gem. 7. Jazz on a Summer’s Day (Bert Stern, 1959). Armstrong’s performance at the 1957 Newport Jazz Festival is probably no better or worse than any other he gave at the time but Stern’s aesthetics are second to none. For once the visuals do the subject justice: Armstrong is recorded in gloriously intimate Technicolor as never before.

Dr. Richard Swainson

Also, why do you hate hash tags? Are you insecure that no one likes your shitty instagram pic of your $12 Bank lunch? Or maybe you’re all anti-Lawrenson and post pics of your $10 CBD lunch. Either way, it’s not our fault you forgot to use #nakedpics as a hashtag so that people actually look at your filtered life. Gosh Tina. You’re such an idiot. Eat your ham. These haven’t so much been words of wisdom as they have been words that have been thrown together in an ultimate shit fest of shit yarns and Scrumpys. Because getting drunk like an 18 year old makes the 21 year old me hoooollllla. I will, however, be giving wisdom from this week on. I am your non-molestering Agony Aunt. Want to get laid, ditch your boyfriend, pass Page to Screen, impress your parents or cultivate an aura of endless swag? MESSAGE ME. I’m desperate. Not for your questions. I mean I suppose that too, but my desperation is more of a general state of being. mmf@nexusmag.co.nz or @mrmintyfish No topic is out of bounds. I like your faces. Even when they’re all fucked up from the fight you had in 101 on Saturday. Love you. MMF.xxx 23

Lifestyle

N x Sexting 101: The drunk dial guide for 2am Step 1. Disable Facebook on your smart phone. This immediately removes any relatives, or employers from your semi x-rated drunken ramblings. You never want to explain to your duty manager why you told her you would let her do that rubber glove thing.

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Step 2. Short words are easier to spell. You might have predictive, but not even smart phones are clever enough to decipher what you are trying to say.

Step 3. If you really must take selfies and send them to people, leave your clothes on. Step 4. If you’re under the age of 21, only send these txts to people who won’t bring it up at your 21st. Step 5. Use the most awful pick up lines you can think of. Let’s be honest, it’s expected. It’s better to be hilarious than depressing.

STICK FIGURE SEX POSITIONS This week’s NeXXXus Stick Figure Sex Positions have been inspired by the lady of the moment Minister of Education, National Party Stalwart, and former WSU President Hekia Parata. Whether it is closing local schools or justifying what she has been doing, one thing is for sure; Teachers aren’t getting paid. So here is a NeXXXus Stick Figure collection just for you, Faculty of Education. We hope you enjoy it. As usual we have never done any of these, don’t know if you would ever want to, and we ask that kids do not try this at home. The Party Line This one relies more on the promise of sex and the anticipation. You spend time talking about all the dirty things you are going to do, promising an orgasmic experience unlike they had in the past nine years and then you begin to justify why you haven’t, “The economy isn’t right.” or “The World Cup was on.” Then as it comes up to three years and no climax you spend a few months tickling their balls in the hope they will turn National Blue and wait another three years. All the while you spend time fucking students, graduates, minorities, beneficiaries and those on a minimum wage. The Nova Pay Similar to the Party line except you start by delivering solid dependable missionary sex for months then inexplicably you decide to go reverse cowgirl one day with results that take your partner all the way to the verge of climax and then you just stop and get off. You act like you don’t know them for months and then with very little warning, give them a sporadic handjob*

e x s The School Closure The school closure starts in a doggie style position with the one on all fours having their head gently held up so they can see an open door. Anyone walking past the door will be so traumatised by that, they will no longer communicate with their friends, move away from the area, have a long commute to somewhere else where they don’t know anyone and eventually have to make new friends just because of a decision two other people made in the throes of passion.

The Education System This is a simple one. You fuck anything and everything. Any way you want at anytime you want. The only condition is that you have to do it while looking over your shoulder as a bald man with glasses masturbates in the corner waiting for his turn. * In writing this we realised “sporadic handjob” would be an awesome name for a band. Aspiring musicians; you are welcome to use it.

lifestyle

REAL STUDENT SEX STORIES No idea how I’m meant to write this, but the jist of it is that as per usual the start of a young good night begins with me on the piss in town slaying lagers with some lime cordial. I find it helps you pump them back, and without a doubt, in about two hours I’m looking at 5 out of 10s and thinking they’re a solid 9. Suddenly, every girl in the Outback who thinks they are way too hot but aren’t, are! Someone should’ve sent me home then. I take a quick leak - three urinals. A guy is standing in the middle one. Weird. Who picks the middle one? I drop some small talk, leave, and run into a little minx I know who has a boyfriend. She slides past me, little bit of extra hand attention for my groin, and I know I’ve just found my bank for the night. Interest rate aint too shabby, and it’s a rather solid twenty odd minute appointment if I slash another lager quick. I walk off into the crowd, flip my phone out and send some bullshit text like ‘come with me’. She’s there in minutes and we are on our way to mine. She’s got choices. Shower, kitchen bench, stairs, boring bed, or the couch in the lounge. But she can’t make her mind up, so I cunningly pick the couch in the lounge so I can relax, lay back, and chuck the television on because it’s 3a.m. and Ancient Aliens is on. Yeah, seemed like a wicked idea at the time. Who in their right mind has received a blozza while watching Ancient Aliens? No one. Stephen Hawkins would have, but that shit no longer works down there, so I am the proud owner of that very unique achievement. Oh, and twenty minutes later, she’s in a taxi and heading home with nine missed calls from a significant other.

THE NIGHT BEFORE THE MORNING AFTER Last week we gave you some tips from the morning after. This week let’s wind the clock back to the night before. * Avoid pick up lines unless they are so obviously cheesy they will get a reaction. * Taking someone home for a one night stand is fine. Taking someone home because it is magical and you might grow to love them is fine too. Just make sure both parties know the deal before you wake up two days later and she has re-arranged your bedroom and sorted her half of the rent then two years later you find all your ambhition in life drained and the only enjoyment you get in life is writing sex tips that first years read because of the slightly dirty cartoon picture. Thanks a lot Jamie you ruined my life you blood sucking harpee.

* If you find yourself complaining that you take douchebags home from the bar every week and fuck them, then next time choose a less douchefilled bar.

* Always flirt with the girlfriend or wingman. Girls usually engineer it in fours so the prettiest one takes a slightly less pretty friend, who takes a slightly less pretty friend. It’s like property buying. If you start in a bad neighbourhood you put time in and eventually upgrade. Worst case scenario; you can’t close a deal and stay in a rental.

Nexus Sex Tips “Treat a shameful booty call like a garden-proud Hamiltonian during a sprinkler ban. Sneak in late at night, be quick and don’t let the neighbours report you to the council. “ Do the John Key: Sell your assets and use them to purchase two thirds of a Three Way handshake. Next time you’re giving some oral pleasure, think of it like the Icelandic volcano. It doesn’t matter if it’s hard to get your mouth around it, all the focus is on the eruption. Try it Pirates of the Caribbean style – release the Kraken. Spice it up, Benedict Style. Don’t die searching for eternal fulfilment, if it’s not working out, don’t be afraid to quit half way through.

* If you have just fucked some guy in the disabled toilets of the Outback then take a look around, savour this moment, this is exactly what rock bottom looks like. * Do not assume all older women in student bars are cougars. Some of them may be lesbians ..

d 25

Lifestyle

Carnage This was my Monday. -Wake up.

Dark Tales of Flatting

-Go to my new job. -Find out I’m working with my ex that told me he was going to Otago. To be fair I told him I was going to AUT. -Leave early.

Snitches get Stiches This tale is going to be far scarier than what any doctor sees after O’week. This is a story of my new flatmate.

-Bus home. -Become traumatised by 30 year old miming a fingering action at me. -Get to the halls. -Get Jenna Marbles, white bitches in the club wasted. -Got my tits out. -Walked in on an American masturbator... you know who you are. -Lose my bra in the foam. -Find my bra in the foam. -Walk home in a mob. -Noodles. -Get written up. -Noodles. -Throwing up in the bathroom. -Throw up in my bed. -Get out of ‘thrown up on’ clothes. -Go to sleep. -Wake up butt ass nekkid, splayed everywhere, and I had forgotten to shut my fuckin door. Next stop, change my name, my face, my life and deal with being called “that bitch that slept with her box out” from the halls. I took one photo last night, this was it. At least I’ve still got my priorities.

All was innocent at the start, a nice boy that I thought could possibly take the role of the cliché gay bestfriend (every girl’s dream of having one). I left thinking I did a great job being extra-nice; laying the foundations of future of shopping and gossiping. How wrong I was, 1. He’s not as gay I hoped 2. Getting way too attached to me. As any student flat, our walls are thin. On the second night sleeping in my new flat, I had foolishly left the door slightly ajar. Opening my eyes to the creaking of the floorboards I saw the silhouette of this flatmate standing in my doorway, watching me sleep. “WTF DUDE!” He just slinks back into the shadows. I am risking my LIFE by sending this story into Nexus, what if he is reading this and thinking “Hmm this sounds like my flatmate who I watch in my sleep” snitches get stiches… well I guess it’s worth it, risking getting murdered in my sleep, for a possibility of a freebee or a burger.

21 So, it was my 21st, and my flatmates were planning to make it a big one. We had a huge table of food, costumes, and really offensive music. However, only 15 of the promised 43 people showed up, and I thought it was a great idea to take all my 21 shots in five minutes (the majority of which was tequila, absinthe, and straight vodka). I ended up vomiting three times, crying drunkenly, hyperventilating in bed for an hour (while flashing everyone my boobs), and eventually passing out at only 10pm. Everyone else left early, feeling really uncomfortable. Can you say awkward?

H B D

HOUSE BLIND DATE House Blind Date

Here’s where things get awkward… HIS

Staying up all night, doing lines of cocaine off each other’s chests and having non-stop sex.

That’s not what happened on the blind date, but I’ve got your attention, right? I must admit, going into this, I expected either an actual blind person, a dude, or a mix of the both. Not that I have anything against gay people – I’m just not one of them. Either way, I wasn’t expecting much from the night which, as it turned out, was a good thing. The night started with The Edge picking me up. We then went to pick up the other half of this date. That’s when things started getting awkward. I imagined her being beautiful, eyes sparkling, someone I was going to have an amazing date with, and possibly end up going on more dates with. I stared at her front door thinking yea, I use enough of this bar tab I might get to see this door again at the end of the night…. Then I saw her, and knew her. She opened the door to the car and said “oh fuck”. Yeah, it was that sort of night. The best part of the night was, of course, sharing a sizeable bar tab. That and when she left to go to the bathroom. For a really crazy person, she wasn’t too bad a date. I mean she did steal my phone, take my female friends number and then proceeded to call her, on speakerphone, in front of me and ask for dating advice…. But hey crazy is as crazy does. Having said that, it almost pushed me toward Hamilton Central Police Station

lifestyle

on the way home to file a restraining order. I didn’t though, mostly because I didn’t want to spend more time on this date.

HERS

So I entered this because, well I am a newly single lady, out on the prowl, looking for a good time. And also, I am not going to lie, free food. Fuck yes. That is what I am about. So yeah, shot Nexus for giving me a mean feed. *hi5*

So I was pretty excited for this date, ya know, to meet a new friend, get a nice feed and such. This was ruined, when I noticed The Edge vehicle arrive down my drive way, and I opened the door. And there, in the back seat, was sitting someone I already knew. First thing I said was ‘Oh fuck’. And this was when I thought he was my chaperone - can you imagine my reaction when I figured, well shit, this is my date?! The worst part about it, was we were unsure if this was a set up or not. As I had *jokingly* asked him out (it was to prove a point to a certain Mr. Monroe, that this poor boy could actually get some. I guess I was wrong. But hey, that is another story.) And then ever since then, a certain director had thought it would be an awesome idea to set us up. Till this day, this boy never answered my question of ‘will you go out with me’. I think he is scared that I am serious about it. Lol, like he has a chance.

Like all jokes aside, this guy isn’t THAT bad, a little bit of a cunt, but really, not that bad. I have dated worse. Ya know we could be good acquaintances… I guess, maybe, probably not tbh… However, the night was full of awkwardness. I actually pulled out the awkward turtle several times. Cos that is how I roll (speaking of rolls, I am gutted I didn’t order them pizza rolls. They looked delicious). Well, sweet, that’s handy. I have reached my 300 words. And I have not much more to say. Chur Nexus.

We can’t promise you’ll hit it off... But we can promise the hits!

THEEDGE HITMUSICNOW

LIFESTYLE

Advice from my Folks’ Slut DJ Fuck people.

In this age of cats asking for cheeseburgers, 140 letter stories and people shaking in Harlem it’s easy to buy into the post-Feminism “fuck men” rant and it seems to have become a common topic of conversation. However, since I started DJ-ing I’ve discovered that it isn’t necessairiy men who deserve scorn, or even women for that matter, it’s people. I’ve seen just as many guys break girls hearts as girls who break guys – It seems that we are all as bad as each other and that’s not a good thing. During O-Week one of the popular musicians who came to the mighty Waikato for a show met a lovely young lady. Like any modern romance the two strangers hit it off, buying each other drinks and talking in great detail

men” status followed by at least 23 text messages about love, heartache and a picture of a cat, one text for each year of age the young lady had claimed to be. However, only a few minutes past before there was a knock on the door. Two DJs had found the young women running from Prince Charming’s room with his laptop – his spell had obviously not worked. She admitted to the theft and they were about to send her on her way before they realised the money the muscian had been paid for the gig had also gone missing. She claimed she had not taken it and emptied her pockets as proof. However as she moved around the room with flailing arms and wild gestures to illustrate her point a single $20 note fell out the bottom of her skirt which, I can only imagine, landed with a ‘splat’ on the Hotel floor. The musician provided the young female thief with a proposotion - If she could perform ten

“...on his return the young woman had magically disappeared leaving only her underwear – a modern day Cinderella.” of the most disturbing intimate acts the were about to unleash on each other. Hours later the second chapter of the great romance kicked in and the two ended up in what can only be described as the Hamilton Hilton. Prince Charming finally had the chance to remove the spell from the beast and spent the next five to seven minutes furiously working his own magic on her. Once he’d tried everything he retired to the bathroom and on his return the young woman had magically disappeared leaving only her underwear – a modern day Cinderella. Having been in his position before I can only imagine he said “thank fuck” before collapsing in bed to wait for the inevitable “fuck 28

star jumps without dropping any money she could keep whatever she held onto in her hot pocket. She agreed and jumped.

Jess gets called out by her parents. Again.

As I was about to begin my first year at university, I was little more than a giant toddler (sans nappy, of course). I was accustomed to living in the safety net of my hometown where I was surrounded by people who endlessly took care of me. From my best friend, who did my work for me when I had my weekly ‘fuck this shit!’ mental breakdown, to my dad, who somehow always knows to offer up breakfast on mornings when I am, what he calls, ‘serial killer silent’. My parents, wanted to train me up. So one day, they dropped me at uni. My mother informed me that I was to make my own way home. They drove away while I cried and crumbled dramatically to the pavement. (Figuratively, of course) After many wrong turns, somehow I ended up in a shop that sold legal weed. Though eventually, I made it home and was explaining how terrible I found it when my mother said, perhaps, the wisest thing she’s ever said to me. “Don’t be embarrassed about how much you struggled. Struggling helps you remember what you’ve learnt.” Essentially, what I got from this is that I should never be ashamed of making mistakes, because it is in identifying mistakes, that we are able to see that we have, in fact, learnt something.

Legs wide, arms to the sky. Instantly, in a completely new take on the popular gangster phrase ‘making it rain’, $480 fell to the ground. From what I’ve been told there was no follow-up “fuck men” status or texts this time around. Lucky guy, he got off easy.

For a moment, I felt a little bit alright. I felt sufficient. I felt ready. Then she spoke again. “Actually, no. You should feel embarrassed. Campus is 15 minutes away. And you took FOUR HOURS!” My mum; putting me in my place since 1992.

LIFESTYLE

How to be an Adult Boganology 101 Is Black the ultimate Bogan colour?

Johnny Cash once sang that he wore black to represent the down trodden and oppressed and that until life was a little brighter he’d be “The Man in Black”. There’s also the quote in the movie Walk the Line, where an executive referring to Johnny’s colour preference says, “you look like you’re going to a funeral”, to which he replied “well, maybe I am”. Bogans and Metallers have a thing for the colour black. We like it for several reasons. First, if you’re going to represent a music preference that can deal with dark subjects, given black’s linkages with death, it’s appropriate. Two, if you want your shirt’s colourful screen print or white skull to stand out, a black background is helpful. Three, if you’re the kind of person who wipes their hands on your clothes rather than washing them, black means it won’t show up (particularly grease or oil). It’s not easy being a Bogan and dressing all in black though. Summer is not our friend. Back when I was at school I used to play tennis in Bogan attire; made for some weird tournament appearances. As Breen (1991) says: “Heavy Metal is for people who dress in black and mean it” (see first years, always reference). Stay Bogan \m/ By Burton C Bogan www.facebook.com/burtoncbogan or www.twitter.com/burtoncbogan

RA Cut the crap, kids. You’re on this RA’s bad side.

Being a new RA has been one interesting experience so far. Two weeks in the halls with residents so far what do I have to show for it? Five residents that have been written up continuously, one that already has a strike, and bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. You would think that someone who breaks the same rule every.single.night would learn their lesson, right? Well, you would be wrong. The rules are so simple: Don’t drink in the hallways. Don’t have more than 5 in a room. Don’t vomit, or you’ll get a strike. The residents get these drilled into them every day during their orientation week. They say they understand… they’re liars. One resident has been in trouble every night this O-week for having an open vessel in the hallways. Sometimes more than

twice in one night. Where is the logic!? Why does he insist on doing this over and over again? He’ll get a strike sooner or later, but I bet that won’t even stop him, ‘cause according to everyone else he’s a “cool kid”. Talking about strikes, we’ve already had a vomiter. Now, the ressies know that if they vomit due to alcohol it’s an instant strike, because they are “endangering their safety”. 1, why would they risk getting a stike? Three strikes and they’re out – surely they’re smarter than that, they are Uni students after all! 2, why aren’t they worried about drowning in their own vomit? Then again, I guess whoever drinks the most is the “biggest man”. Which must be worth the title, even if you wake up the next morning with your own vomit encrusted to your face. What a winner.

Turn Off That Nightlight

When I was a kid, I would check under my bed every day, in the hopes of preventing any midnight murders by deranged, lurking sadists. I would cautiously lift my pastel valance and sacrificially thrust my Snoopy plush toy into the shadows so that if the aforementioned sadist happened to be there, he’d be tricked into revealing his cache and have no choice but to forfeit his surprise murder plan, apologise for the inconvenience and go home. Needless to say, my imagination was somewhat untamed. I don’t know what sparked my fear of the dark, but it seemed that all I needed to eradicate that fear was a pathetic little lava lamp. As children, how did we come to the conclusion that our biggest fears and the greatest evils are the things that lurk in the darkness? Was it a big brother who maliciously hissed stories about wrathful ghosts and four-headed beasts that only attack while our eyes are closed? Was it our mother who insisted we never ever leave the house past 8pm because there is a sexual predator concealed behind every corner? In these moments, it’s easy to forget the light of day. It’s easy to forget that your comfortable little bedroom will stay exactly the same when the light turns off. To be an adult is to realise that when the dark comes and it seems like the dodgy, evil and difficult things are creeping around us, we are still just as capable as we were when the dim glow of that little lava lamp abolished all the shadows for us. In the dark times, your vision may be slightly impaired but hey, so is the murderer’s.

Despite the drunken idiots, the residents that think they know it all and insist on arguing with you about every little thing, and the 1am, 2am, 3am AND 4am lock out calls, being an RA is actually kind of okay. Then again… ask me next Friday or Sunday morning.

ALICE & A Lifestyle

Alice & Anne By ALICE & ANNE

Alice ponders the extravagance that is the Oscars.

Awards season is nearly over, and it has brought with it gossip, glitz and glamour probably to be expected when the people of Tinseltown assemble en masse. But what does this section of society and the celebration of their accomplishments in the entertainment arena really contribute to civilization in general?

Take the Oscars, for example – nominees receive a goodie bag before even winning anything, and one of the things contained within it is a $12,000 holiday on the Great Barrier Reef. The gowns and suits are spectacular, costing thousands of dollars, and are the subject of much media interest. The event itself is a behemoth – offering the best that money can buy. To us, it seems like extravagance for the sake of extravagance. If we think about the purpose of these events though, it’s to celebrate accomplishment in the entertainment industry – surely it’s important to celebrate and encourage the creative arts – but is it really necessary to almost literally throw money at an industry that already pulls in billions of dollars annually?

Trend Spotting By ALICE AND ANNE

Campus Trends

Geek Chic

but validating something just because ‘that’s the way it’s always been’ isn’t going to win you any points. The intrinsic value of creative arts is undeniable. If people could not escape through the medium of film and song to explore issues that they wouldn’t have previously considered, the world would be a dull and oppressive place. Recent award-winning films such as Silver Linings Playbook and Les Miserablés highlight the human condition – and by appreciating such films as these and thinking about the ideas that they portray, we develop as people. That sounded melodramatic, but there is truth to it – everyone’s had that moment where they’ve walked out of a theatre and into the bright light of reality with a new perspective on life, however minor. After watching Confessions of a Shopaholic, Alice didn’t buy clothes for a week. A week! Having said all that, what we’d like you to come away thinking about is what sort of value can you put on art? Is it monetary? Or is it just something that should be appreciated and encouraged without such a focus on material magnificence.

SLIGHTLY STONED You could say that because it’s such a valuable industry, that the participants are simply accustomed to opulence. It makes sense,

SLIGHTLY STONED CHEF Easiest Brownies EVER!! 30

Ponder that, you beauties – Love, Alice and Anne

Gather 1 can of condensed milk, 1 cup of chocolate chips and 2 cups of biscuits.

Band tee shirts are so 2005. Movies/ book adaptations are where it’s at. “From Midgewater to Minas Tirith, There & Back Again Delivery Service”. The second Hobbit movie is due out December 13th. And if you want to make the most of the summer sun, team it with your cut off denim shorts.

Crush the biscuits.

lifestyle

Arts Jaimie Hutton Jaimie Hutton is a 20 year old graphic designer and illustrator. He is currently studying in his honours year and seeking intern, freelance or part time graphic design work. Stylistically as an illustrator, Jaimie likes to try a variance of ever changing styles, as well a becoming more experimental when creating realistic portraiture and scenery, in order to hone his craft. He has a multitude of different illustration styles that can be adapted to many projects, but can produce consistent examples of work with any specific one of these styles. Jaimie likes to try and develop new styles and ideas, finding most of his inspiration between a mixture of pop culture and contemporary art as well as key art movements such as Art Nouveau. www.jaimiehutton.com

Mix all together.

Put in baking tray and bake at 200C for 25mins.

Enjoy!

wSU

WSU

Clubs Noticeboard The Mandarin Corner Learn Chinese, the most widely spoken language in the world. The Mandarin Corner is all about promoting culture and friendship. Facebook us @ Waikato Mandarin Corner.

Contact FM Radio doesn’t need to suck! Help make the world a better place, one song at a time! Contact FM-Hamilton’s finest indie/alt station, avoiding crap music since 1986! Get involved, become a DJ, event vollie or just help out. Contact us and we will contact you: contact@ contactfm.co.nz

Waikato Unicol

New clubs hoping to affiliate and get numbers to start a club ..so go join up! Hamilton Youth Council Jason Sebastain 0210533680 htownyouthcouncil@gmail.com Wai Taiko Japanese Drummers Lianne Stephenson 021029509450 info @waitaiko.com WUNA (Niuean Students Assoc) Jenasis Hannlitama 02102372627 Wado Kai karate Club Zac Lyon 021321397

Cooking Club Colin Pilbrow colinpilbrow@yahoo.co.uk Waikato Mo Bros Rab Heath 0210555696 mobros@moustachioco.com Hamilton Volleyball Club Shaunna Polley 0273143977 Waikato Badminton Assoc. Tj Weistra 021464229 cac@waikatobadminton.co.nz

Ultimate Frisbee Alex Keyte Beattie 0273046863 amk40@waikato.ac.nz

All Women’s Teams Muster Sat March 2nd 4pm-6pm and Sun March 10th 1pm-3pm Men’s 1st and 2nd Trials Sat March 2nd 1pm-3pm and Sun March 10th 10am-12noon Men’s 3rd to Social Teams Muster Sun March 3rd 10am-2pm and Sat March 9th 1pm-3pm

100% Possible Moving beyond fossil fuels is 100% Possible. We have the solutions today to get moving and build a thriving New Zealand for the 21st century. Come to our meeting Level One of the Students Centre opposite Bennett’s from 6pm on Tuesday the 5th of March.

WSU

President’s Column Veeps Welcome to the Presidents column.

This week let’s talk about smoking. I wanted to start off with a witty pun, but the fun police at Nexus, or my so called ‘communications advisor’, thought it was too rough. (What happened to you Nexus, you used to be cool...). As many of you will be aware, the University of Waikato has big plans to go smoke-free in 2014. What I would like to know from you, is do you even care? If you are a student who smokes, this is a prime opportunity to have a cry. If you are a student who is always complaining about smoke blowing in your face at Momento, the same goes to you. Please send me your tear-soaked letters as soon as practicable. Now I’m not here to play dad, to tell you what to do, or persuade you to think one way or another. I honestly don’t care what you think, as long as you are thinking. That is what students do second best, after drinking. So as you sit in that 9am lecture thinking about anything but what the lecturer is saying, please think about this. Do you want the university to go smoke-free? A big question that’s on the top of my mind, that may warrant some consideration, is around the kind of consultation that the university is going to conduct before making such a significant change to the rules we all play by. Is there going to be real and meaningful consultation with students, the universities customers, or are they simply

Housekeeping with Danyell

ticking all the boxes before rushing through to a predetermined decision? Other questions you may want to ask sit around how the policy could be implemented and policed, whether it’s only tobacco smoke they plan on banning, what will be banned next (after all, coffee and tobacco are both legal consumables that many students enjoy), and finally, will philosophy students even be able to function anymore? I also feel that this policy may unfairly discriminate against our Native American Indian students, who will no longer be able to communicate with each other over long distances, and politics students, who will now have to operate in dark rooms filled solely with mirrors, and we were already wondering how they can look themselves in the eye. These are the big questions that confront the students of Waikato University in 2013, not how we are going to fund our retirement or deal with our aging population as NZUSA President Pete Hodkinson would have us believe. He can take those ideas back to whichever European Polytechnic he picked them up from while on one of his several world vacations research tours.

Now that Oweek is over and you’ve had a week to recover, it’s time to get down to business. Build sleeping habits, wake up to your alarm and actually turn up to class. This year will go by so much faster than you expect, so I thought I’d write about a few “housekeeping” matters to get you sorted for 2013. - Go to your lectures, tutorials and labs. If I’ve learnt anything thus far, it’s that going to class is always a good idea. - Set a budget. Being broke isn’t fun and without a budget it’s likely that you’ll find yourself in this position at some point. - Clean your room/study area. Overpriced books are harder to sell when they’ve had month-old food scraps mushed into them. - Learn where your classes are.

Until next time, Aaron

- Look through your assignments and put your due dates into a calendar. - Don’t drink the night before an early morning start. You’ll regret it almost every time. - Get into the habit of turning your phone on silent. Phone’s going off in lectures is embarrassing for you and annoying for everybody else. - Girls: Wear clothes in the winter! The last thing you need during the uni year is a cold. Looking “super fab” is totally possible whilst being fully clothed. And finally, enjoy this year! One day soon you’re going to have to work a grown up job with barely any holidays. Loving university isn’t geeky! It’s the best time of a lot of people’s lives. Danyell.

WSU

Ask Amber Life’s tough. Many of life’s challenges can often be traced to a action or inaction of one or more individuals. The purpose of this weeks column is to work through steps of how to deal with people before life gets tough. Our example is approaching your lecturer. 1. Look to engage early. If there is an issue bring it to their attention. They may not realise it is an issue for you. 2. Who is the best person for initial contact? Sometimes tutors are better placed to help you, especially with assistance on assessments. 3. Approach with safety, if you don’t feel like you are able to talk comfortably without a friend, take a friend. If you don’t know anyone, perhaps ask the class rep. 4 If it is something you don’t feel comfortable taking directly to the lecturer, you may pass it on through the class rep or your tutor. 5. Location location, Make sure you choose the appropriate time and location for the conversation. For example “I’m going to be late for class” - okay to talk about after lecture. “My cat just died, and I’m depressed” - maybe better to see your lecturer in office hours.

take time out of the workplace to care for their children they are paid less. Why does the work that men do have more value? Is it because the work that women have traditionally done was free? Surely there should be equal value in the work women traditionally did, now that we live in a commodified community? If there was more value in the work men do, what about when a women is working the same job and gets paid less than a man- what is the justification then? Maybe the justification is that she gets paid less because her experience isn’t as comprehensive as her male counterparts. This could be because she took a year out of the workplace to look after a new born baby or she is often the one who has to take time off work to look after the children. Maybe it is because women have a menstrual cycle that forces their productivity down once a month. None of these reasons seem fair- let us work together as a community and support policies that make pay equity achievable in my lifetime (I’m 25, based on my estimated lifespan that gives us at least 50 years...I hope). Check out this infographic: http://www.learnstuff.com/ equal-education-unequal-pay/

6. Go in with a plan, make sure you know what you want from the conversation. Sometimes this may just be to convey appreciation, other times it may be to alert the lecturer / tutor of your situation. 7. Make a record of the conversation. Especially if your issue is in relation to assessment dates, or other issues around assessment. We often advise clients to make a follow up email to the person you have spoken with outlining the topic of the conversation and what was agreed to. If you feel like you need support through a situation similar to this then contact Amber the Advocate on 07 856 9139 or through email advocacy@wsu.org.nz

Young Workers Resource Centre

Citizens Advice Bureau Beware of the ticket clippers!! There are several tax rebate companies who try to sign on students at this time of the year. If you have signed on did you know???

In New Zealand there is a 12% pay difference between the average hourly rate for Men and the average hourly rate for Women.

1. You have signed over access to your bank account until you break the contract. 2. They will charge you up to 30% of your refund. 3. You can do it online yourself on the IRD website. 4. If you want to break the contract then you need to a. Let the rebate company know in writing that you wish to terminate the contract. b. Go to your bank and get them to remove the tax rebate company from access to your account.

Why do you think this is? Often it is argued that men do work that requires more skills than females; others argue that because females

Good luck! If you need more help came and speak to the CAB (by the Printery) any time between 11am and 1pm, Monday to Friday.

Pay Equity Are men more valuable than women?

WSU

Was This You? House Beerfest. The House Beerfest was last Wednesday night. Vote for the photo you think should win a prize at facebook.com/nexusmagNZ.