Nexus 2023 Issue 9

IT’S

It’s a new day, a deep breath, a sweaty face, a bootcamp, a catch-up, a challenge, a realisation, a conversation, a push and a pull, a moment of peace, a struggle and a win, a feeling, a superpower, a soundtrack and a stage, a weight plate, a new limit, a grind, a flex, a heavy set, a commitment, a culture, a community, a way of live, a second home, a place to discover your playground.

just a

just a bit of

ST R E S S EXAM

or somet hing else?

It's normal to feel overwhelmed when the essays start piling up. But if everything else is piling up too, we've got you.

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Kua konihi te MP o Ikaroa-Rāwhiti Meka Whaitiri i a Reipa, ā, kua peka ki te waka o Te Pāti Māori. I ohorere pai a Reipa, tae rā anō ki te pirimia taupua Carmel Sepuloni i rangona ai te pānui i tētahi o te marea. So Meka Whaitiri has resigned from Labour and switched to Te Pāti Māori. One of the main reasons, her kaupapa no longer aligns with that of Labour. I can hear your confusion as you wonder why I, the king of over-sharing, has decided to come into an editorial with reo māori. Well because this is an integral moment in Māori/ Aotearoa politics.

Why? Because no one can see past the edge of their ihu, focusing on it like “Sinking rats jumping from the ship” as opposed to the autonomy of a wāhine māori deciding to focus on being Māori in the face of what could be a massive turning point for Tangata Māori. We’re looking at the possibility of co-governance, and what that means for our development as people.

Māori have, for years, have stayed out of fear of losing their space. We fight for roles that highlight the mana we strive to enhance. Once we’re in those spaces–we stick

at it. Whether it be as important as an MP in the majority or the Editor-in-chief for a minor publication in the mighty Waikato–we’re together and fighting the same fight. So sure I get mōketekete when I hear certain members of our graced parliament trying to undermine a decision made for the betterment of one’s people. To express pride in being tangata whenua, take a hard look at yourself if you think it’s solely a decision against Labour. Be so for real right now.

I’m faced with the reality of change frequently, being so many years post-grad now, twiddling my thumbs and creating what’s arguably the best student-led magazine at Te Whare Wānanga o Waikato–wondering what’s left for me. I’m looking at Whaea Meka and wondering if she’s had the right idea with the sense of wairua leading her back to her whakapapa. Should we all be taking a serious note from her book and following our wairua to make decisions. I don’t have an answer but here’s what I do know. She’s made the right decision for her, and I cannot fault that.

To Whaea Meka, ngā mihi for giving us a voice and showing the strength it takes to follow your heart instead of standing

with what you no longer support. I don’t know you Whaea but I want to commend the extraordinary efforts towards effective co-governance and allowing Māori space to be Māori. Tēnā rawa atu koe Whaea.

No one can pretend to know what the future holds for Māori in these spaces or even what tomorrow may bring. All we can do is continue to strive in these places against the system built to fail us. I will never stop looking to raise the voices of my people, tangata whenua me tauira māori. So I’ll leave you with a couple of ending points to think on. Would you have the courage to do what’s right for you and your people? Are you happy to make the hard decisions for the safety and longevity of your culture? Can you stare in the face of adversity and say it’s not right?

Ūhia mai ngā tōmairangi atawhai ki runga i a mātou. Hei tutuki pai i ngā mahi mō tēnei rā

Many churs, Uncle Jak

Editor-in-Chief

Jak Rāta editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Lead Creative

Stien Huizenga design@nexusmag.co.nz

Deputy Editors

Tehana De Klerk tehana@nexusmag.co.nz

Seamus Lohrey seamus@nexusmag.co.nz

Media Desginer

Jordan Fritz jordan@nexusmag.co.nz

Te Koretake Etita

Kae’sharn Hose

Staff Writers

Joel Collins

Leilani Summer

Yashanshi Kala

C over Artist @nate.raffan

C enterfold + Back Cover

Cowboy Killer

C ontributors

Doja Kat Jones

Kat Jones

Kaihautu Rāta Coastarcade

Riley Alvarez

Nexus Interns

Aria Matthews

Filly Arias

Jasmine Gorman

Social Links

Disclaimers

Nexus is a magazine made by students, for students. As such it’s sometimes controversial views don’t actually represent those of the Nexus Editor, the writers, or the sponsors.

Location

The Nexus office is located down the hall at the WSU, usually with Alexa playing terribly dated music.

Printing

The Forest Stewardship Council® (FSC®) is an independent, not for profit, nongovernment organization established to support environmentally appropriate, socially beneficial, and economically viable management of the world’s forests. FSC® vision is where the world’s forests meet the social, ecological, and economic rights and needs of the present generation without compromising those of future generations.

Hamilton Judge slams Kmart robber with ‘sense of entitlement’

Yashanshi Kala

The Kmart robber in Hamilton, Kitia Lucy Toimata, 25, received a rigid response from the Judge when she attempted to reduce her jail time when a video of her was caught on camera for violently attacking Kmart employees.

April has been the month of crime in Hamilton. From breaking into Michael Hill, to shoplifting at Peaches and Cream, we are yet to experience the worst News of the year.

Hamilton Judge described Toimata as “an angry young woman with a sense of entitlement, a brazen disregard for authority and a wanton disrespect for other people.”

This is not the first time the woman is present in Court. Last year in October, she was sentenced in the Hamilton District Court for 11 charges. These charges included aggravated injury, aggravated assault, shoplifting, and theft. Despite the long-list of charges, the thief argued with the Judge that her [past] sentence was “excessive,” to which he concluded that Toimata “felt no genuine remorse and that communitybased sentences had not worked before.” The judge’s previous generous consideration towards the woman had failed.

Toimata, the mother of two, has a long history of being on the wrong side of the law. Her previous charges were related to six incidents that took place between June 2021 and April 2022. The robbery at Kmart on Bryce Street with Sharice Walker-Grace was considered the most serious one.

Both young women used their trolleys as weapons and pushed them into the Kmart employees. While Toimata punched and pulled the Kmart employee’s hair, her friend Walker-Grace stabbed one staff member in the back with metal tongs. Both fled the scene with four boxes of items and a staff member’s cellphone.

Another incident that Toimata was charged for was drinkdriving, assaulting an Uber driver, and shoplifting. In June 2021, she was caught after losing control and crashing in the car park of the Waikato Table Tennis Club.

Three months later, September 2021, she and a friend attempted to leave the Glenview New World with $95 worth of groceries. Instead of fleeing, she slapped and punched the employee in the face, splitting his lip open. On another occasion, she walked out of Te Rapa’s Countdown with $291 worth of groceries.

The Judge started with a 24 months’ imprisonment and added four months each for the violence used during the New World incident. He tersely noted that she was trying to steal wine from that supermarket. Justice added another four months for assaulting the Uber Driver as he was “simply going about his work.” He recognised her extensive Youth Court history and how most of her offences were committed while on bail, adding another four months.

Even though the Judge held there was “little or no connection” between her offending and her upbringing, he gave her a 20% discount for her guilty plea and a 5% discount for her ‘upbringing.’

After the long proceeding, her final sentence resulted in 25 months’ imprisonment, but her lawyer argued she deserved further discounts for youth, remorse, and for her background. However, Justice Wylie rejected that argument. He provided that she was well into adulthood when she started committing crimes at age 23 and 24 years old. The Judge believed she had been given numerous opportunities to be rehabilitated by the Youth Court and the District Court and she had no right to argue that her sentence’s starting point is “too high.”

In the Judge’s view, she did not express genuine remorse for her previous mistakes, one which was blaming the Uber driver for her assault on him, therefore, undeserving for any further lenient sentence. He called her “entitled to take things because she always missed out.”

To conclude, Justice Wylie added, “I suspect Ms Toimata regrets the circumstances she now finds herself in and that she is belatedly trying to gain an advantage by claiming remorse in the hope that it might help her situation.”

He concluded that there is no error in imposing the sentence of 25 months’ imprisonment.

The Olympics (of fashion)

Okay so you looked at the contents page and thought, shit Nexus is a little early to be doing Olympics coverage? of Celebrity fashion, and who are we to not do a sports edition of

Jak Rāta

Florence Pugh Rami Malek

Lila and Kate Moss

Grace Elizabeth

Ariana DeBose

FKA Twigs

Quinta Brunson

Lil Nas X

Emma Chamberlain

Margaret Qualley

Kim Petras

Doja Cat

Anne Hathaway

Gisele Bündchen

Rihanna

Anok Yai

Jessica Chaistain

Cardi B

Gabrielle Union & Dwyane Wade

Keke Palmer

Dua Lipa

Billie Eilish

Jenna Ortega

Lizzo

Crush of the Week

— Dua Lipa

The Met Gala finally happened again, and because I don’t understand fashion, this week’s crush is Dua Lipa. The singer wore a Chanel fall 1992 haute couture dress and looked absolutely stunning.

I do get that maybe the final look was a bit… boring for the Met Gala (or at least, that’s what some people say. I don’t know.), but she’s wifey so shut up.

Their words [Twatter]

“Yes ma’am”

��Literally anything you want Jack Harlow

“I love you”

— I can count the amount of times Emma said this but also same.

News in Number

Banana artwork worth

“Meow”

— Yes, truer words haven’t been said Doja Cat

“Purr”

— Lil Nas x, at this point I give up

was eaten. No comment.

suspension after a trip to Saudi Arabia. Free vacation life hack.

A mother was stung over

times by bees during a family photoshoot. It’s like that one episode of Man vs Wild.

Lionel Messi faces a

“Comedian”

Cheeky 10 [Things That Would Send A Victorian Child Into A Coma]

McDonald’s Sprite

This would send me into a coma. Please tell me you don’t drink this.

Peppermint Gum

Why is it spicy?

Lady Gaga’s Meat Dress

Whether it’s a picture or they see it in real life, they’ll drop like flies.

James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke

I don’t know how to explain this one, it just makes sense.

3D Movies

Let them sit at the front of the cinema.

Razor Scooters

One tailwhip and it’s all over.

The Pedro Pascal TikTok Edit

At this point, there is no coma. Instant kill. Fatality.

Wattpad/AO3 Fanfiction

Specifically the ones that say “sorry, english isn’t my first language”.

Eddie Munson Fans

You know exactly who I’m talking about.

Army

I don’t mean the military; I’m talking about BTS stans.

* Iron Man (May 2, 2008)

* The Incredible Hulk (June 13, 2008)

* Iron Man 2 (May 7, 2010)

* Thor (May 6, 2011)

* Captain America: The First Avenger (July 22, 2011)

* Marvel's The First Avengers (May 4, 2012)

Kupu Whakaatu � Feature

In 2019, revered American director, producer, and screenwriter Martin Scorsese made quite the “controversial” comment about the Marvel Cinematic Universe during an interview with Empire magazine. He stated that these movies are “not cinema.” Of course, people took this a bit out of context, hence my use of “controversial”. Scorsese described cinema as “human beings trying to convey emotional, psychological experiences to another human being”. Later, in the New York Times, he added that “Cinema is an art form that brings the unexpected. In superhero movies, nothing is at risk.” Now, why would I ever bring up some old geezer’s comments? Because he’s right. The Marvel Cinematic Universe has been hailed a masterpiece since its origin film Iron Man, and with the expansion of the multiverse, it now includes every Marvel movie to have ever hit the big screen. I’m an avid fan of this franchise, but I will admit at some point I sat back and asked myself whether or not these films were actually as good as many claim them to be.

Tehana De Klerk

The success of the eleven-year-long Infinity Saga should not be discredited; this was without a doubt the first time a superhero franchise was able to deliver an incredible story while maintaining consistency (for the majority of it at least).

From ‘Iron Man’ in 2008 to ‘Spider-Man: Far From Home’ in 2019, Phases One to Three of the MCU were greeted with success. And with this saga’s concluding Avengers film sitting at second for the highest growing film worldwide, it’s difficult to say that all of these films are average. While it may not have been the best film, the story-building that came before truly reeled in and engaged fans. However, the future of the MCU does not seem so bright. The Multiverse Saga has been under fire for its poorly written scripts, underwhelming CGI, and overly ambitious projects. Much like ‘Star Wars’, Marvel’s future is not invulnerable to harsh critique. In this case, the term “superhero fatigue” can be applied. In simple words, this means that eventually superheroes are no longer fresh nor innovative; there's a repetition of stories, or an alarming amount of sequels being developed, and thus poor results. This often leads to audiences feeling tired and unenthusiastic about future projects given that it seems to be less about good entertainment and storytelling, and more focused on monetary value. Many have criticised the new phases of Marvel in this way, however there have been glimpses of this in the past.

Before I comment on Phases Four to Six, I want to bring your attention strictly to the Infinity Saga. Specifically, the two

concluding ‘Avengers’ films. At this moment, ‘Infinity War' and ‘Endgame’ share the title for highest iMDb rating of Marvel films, sitting at 8.4. The reason why I bring these two up is because, despite their success, I believe that these two movies show how quality reigns supreme over quantity. ‘Infinity War’ was an excellent movie; it brought together eleven years of scripts, stories, and characters, and I genuinely believe that it deserves a high rating. There will always be scenes worthy of critique in any film, however this one truly deserves its success. In my opinion, it was a better written story than its sequel, ‘Endgame’. While the former was a very busy movie, the latter sure did take chaos to the extreme which led to some very obvious plot holes and discontinuity of the script. My two main arguments for this are the introduction and misuse of time travel, as well as a few scenes that really didn’t fit into the movie.

Time travel has been explored in many different ways throughout cinema. From ‘Back to the Future’ to ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’, we’ve seen Hollywood come out with some pretty bizarre techniques. When time travel was introduced in ‘Endgame’, the rules seemed pretty clear. However, as the film developed we saw these rules being disregarded on several occasions. The best example of this that I can give you revolves around Steve Roger’s exit from the MCU. At the end of the film, we see an old Captain America sitting on a bench, passing on the mantle of the first avenger to Sam Wilson/Falcon. A heartwarming sight… that didn’t make much sense. If we were to stick to Marvel’s established rules of time travel, there is no way that Cap’ could have been sitting on that bench. Prior to this, when he travels into the past to return the infinity stones, Bruce Banner gives Cap’ a five second window. This window is basically the time that Rogers would skip in the original timeline to come back to the present. However, he doesn’t come back. Instead, he returns to his first love,

Peggy Carter, and grows old with her. This would have created an alternate timeline, and Steve Rogers (at his old age) would have had to time travel back to the future at the exact moment those five seconds were up. Do you understand my point? If he had shown up any time before his five seconds of missedpresent-time were up, he would have ended up in another alternate timeline. With this in mind, I argue that unlike ‘Infinity War’, ‘Endgame’ was in fact focusing on quantity over quality. With many actors’ contracts ending, they needed to give these characters a good send off. However, it was such a big job that there was bound to be plot holes somewhere.

Speaking of plot holes within time travel in ‘Endgame’, the addition of the TVA in ‘Loki’ also makes this next argument plausible. While it doesn’t affect the past films given that they are in the original timeline, the changes the Avengers made while in the past recovering the infinity stones creates branches of alternate timelines. Does this meaWwn the TVA got involved, or were all these actions swept under the rug? The actions I’m talking about are these: Thor getting Mjolnir back; Captain America’s “Hail Hydra” and “Bucky is alive” scenes; and Gamora coming back. When Loki teleported in 2012, the TVA showed up and arrested him. With the changes these other scenes would bring and the many alternate timelines as a result, did the TVA step in? And if so, how did “our” Thor keep Mjolnir? And how is 2014 Gamora still in the original timeline? Hopefully that last question can get answered in the next volume of ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’.

MarvelCaptain

Kupu Whakaatu � Feature

These are all just small scenes revolving around time travel that can be critiqued, but there are more throughout the film that just have to do with the general storyline. Circling back to Steve Roger’s ending, I think many can agree that it didn’t make sense for two more reasons. The first being that during ‘Captain America: Civil War’, Rogers basically played the biggest hand in the break up of the Avengers all for the sake of his childhood best friend, Bucky. We know from ‘Age of Ultron’ that both Cap’ and Falcon were trying to find Bucky, so if over the course of so many years Rogers is looking for his friend, why did he decide to just leave him? My next point is that the ‘Endgame’ script, in a way, cancelled out a lot of Captain America’s character development. After loving Peggy, he struggled to move on, but eventually he did. He even said to Tony Stark that the man who wanted to settle down doesn’t exist anymore. And he also kissed Sharon Carter. Overall, his ending was poorly written and executed which was a real shame to see.

Now, I feel as though I’ve made my point with Marvel’s past, and thus I want to talk about everything Phase Four and beyond. When Marvel Studios’ President Kevin Feige first announced future instalments of the MCU, I’m sure many fans were excited to see the growth of the universe. Additionally, when the multiverse was established, we were ready to see the introduction of mutants and the X-Men, Fantastic Four, and many other fan favourite characters. However, with the material we’ve been presented with thus far, the future doesn’t seem so exciting. With over-ambitious goals and long lists of projects, it seems as though Marvel is being spread too thin. Earlier, I mentioned “superhero fatigue”, and this perfectly sums up these latest phases of marvel. Like I did before, I want to focus on just a single movie that had the potential to be phenomenal.

Last year, the ‘Doctor Strange’ sequel ‘In the Multiverse of Madness’ hit the big screen and was rated 6.9 on iMDb. There was a mixed response from the audience, but many fans felt disappointed by the plot. While both the CGI and acting were applaudable, it seems as though reaching the heights of success achieved in the past is becoming harder and harder every second for these new movies. A review on 1 News about the films suggests that “after 28 entries into the Marvel Cinematic Universe, some cracks are starting to form.” What was supposed to be a thrilling, psychological horror film ending up being mediocre fan service at best. New key (and very powerful) characters were introduced and killed all in the span of ten minutes, and the story felt very lazy. It didn’t help that after the film’s release lead actor Benedict Cumberbatch announced that he would be taking a break from acting. In the end, this film ended up extinguishing a lot of fans’ hope for good future Marvel projects.

It doesn’t come as a surprise that after so many years of films the MCU is seemingly falling apart. Most franchises suffer the same fate, and many times it may not even be completely at the fault of the cast and crew. Behind the scenes there may be a lack of creative freedom or even miscommunication across different projects. Whatever the case, there is no denying that Marvel is becoming more disjointed and unfocused as multiple films and series are being released in such short periods of time. There’s a general inconsistency in the quality of their content, and the franchise continues to face harsh criticism, low box office numbers, and a huge display of disappointing reviews.

At this point, I suppose one can only pray for a miracle.

Jackman

by Jack Harlow Kōpae Pūoru

A well deserved breather from last week. Jackman isn’t going to be changing the world of rap nor will he see the path to a new life of white rappers. However, it’s just fucking fun and see’s Jack find his groove again, while still making room for plenty of introspection.

It’s been almost a year since ‘Come Home The Kids Miss You’. The album charted well, unsurprisingly given the support and hype from other famous names, but it was shit really. Expectations were high. The result was protracted and vapid, proving the many detractors of Harlow’s music right. So coming back with another album less than a year later makes sense. While Jackman won’t win over the harshest critics, it sees Harlow better understand his strengths and weaknesses. Jackman also has a major calculated risk. A full album release without a single and no clear hit song – both of which Harlow has heavily relied on before.

‘Denver’ is the track for me, something that should’ve been a single release. Stripped back production sees a soft vocal sample on loop. It is the first time apathy has really worked for him, and sees him come closer to finding the Drake-esque balance of confessing and bragging at the same time. On the reverse, it’s followed by ‘No Enhancers’ –the closest to something that would have appeared on Come Home The Kids Miss You. The

song is a representation of what I hated about his last album– repetitive, heavy-handed, emotionless and unfunny.

I don’t know if it’s coming across but I’m not the biggest fan of Jack Harlow–giving five minutes of fame to someone who barely deserves it. But I can admit he’s getting better, though his comparison to being the better Eminem is one I’ll heavily argue. I think it’s just poor writing, slanderous without being artful. You can see where he’s going with Jackman. It’s better than ‘Come Home The Kids Miss You’, but it needed a heavy editorial hand before being set out on release. I’m hopeful that he’ll settle into his own in 51 weeks time with JackOff.

Jak Rāta

Thames Mars Attacks

I’ve never been to the Coromandel Peninsula before. To be completely honest, I haven’t really thought about this place much before at all being from the south. So, I hope you understand when I say the cliché line, I didn’t know what to expect when I ventured to Thames. I’ve heard rumours about it being a holiday hotspot for the rich and powerful but that was it. I was going into this blind.

As soon as I rolled up in my glorious Mistibushi Colt, I instantly felt like I should’ve been trading my vehicle for something more pirate-like. Maybe more of a schooner than a car. This feeling was intensified when I saw a man with an eyepatch sauntering down the road. It was like a movie. Everyone there was the nicest person you’ve ever met who could take the piss out of practically anything. So, when I was told that at high tide the football field is covered by seawater, I wasn’t sure whether to believe them or not. I’m still not.

Can someone from Thames please confirm or deny. The feel of the town was as if you could walk down the street barefoot and no one would care. I think that’s a pretty good way of saying Thames is awesome.

What do you get if you use Tim Burton, the inspired and irreverent director of Batman and Ed Wood, to combine an invasion force of bug-eyed, big-brained Martians, a cast featuring some of the biggest names in Hollywood, and a huge special effects budget? Sadly, one of 1996’s most disappointing motion pictures. Mars Attacks!, Burton’s halfsatire/half-homage to ‘50s B-movies, is a stillborn affair that could have been -- and should have been -- a whole lot hipper and funnier.

I won’t spoil it, there’s Honestly not much to spoil, but what I will say is that whilst there was a major budget for special effects, the overall visuals that will produce for the film had left me underwhelmed to say the very least. It has an aesthetic style that is visually its own, and when you look at stills you can tell it’s from this film, but that’s where the good things end.

I was anticipating a lot from Mars Attacks!, but what I got was a shell of my expectations. There are too many characters, too little story, and too much unfunny and repetitious material. The first half is painfully slow, forcing us to suffer through the needlessly laborious exercise of meeting and learning something about each of the characters. Despite Burton’s effort and ingenuity, there’s never an effective comic or sci-fi payoff. From time-to-time, Mars Attacks! gives us tantalizing glimpses of brilliance, but those moments only illustrate how flawed and unsatisfactory the rest of the film is.

Tāone Kiriata

Seamus Lohrey

Retro Guy

Traditional film-making is built on a simple three part story arc. Beginning, Middle and End. The middle section is the important note here, this has an inciting incident that helps the film reach its peak. Whether it be that the good guy finally hits his top, or the main character realises someone isn’t who they say they are. Either way, the climax is reached. Now a good film-maker will edge you, get you to the point where you think that you’re maybe done but oh no, there’s still another 10 minutes till the good part. Fucking tease.

Climaxes make the world go round, that much is true. But what makes it a good climax? How can you tell the difference between the night of your life or a dud root. I’m here to list some of the best and worst, while teaching you budding film-makers why it’s important to stretch it out and let the high last as long as you can–because what are we without a major edgefest?

Also, there’s going to be some spoilers coming up. Keep that in mind hey?

Premature Ejaculation–

knowing when it’s time

One of the most important tools in a film-makers arsenal is control. They have everything in their hands and the fate of the experience falls to them. When the killer is revealed, who’s dead or alive and [most importantly] when the film actualises the plot. So you don’t want to blow too early, and you don’t want to bury the lead so much that no one cares.

Shithouse: Gone Girl

David Fincher has created a modern classic, this is something I won’t argue. But I will argue that he reveals that Amy conspired against Nick and planned it WAY too early on. I know that purists will argue for an accurate adaptation from the book but sometimes creative liberties aren't a bad thing, especially when it comes to watching fatigue. You’re bored towards the end, once she’s returned and there’s nothing to hold on to. Is she pregnant? Is she not? Do I care? Fuck no. Fincher, you did great. But next time let me sit in a little longer.

Actually Algood: The Usual Suspects

Where David Fincher reveals the twist at the halfway point, Bryan Singer [fuck you] waits till the very end. The reveal of Kevin Spacey [double fuck you] as Keyser Söze is a memorable one because why? YOU DON’T SEE IT COMING! I know you're probably thinking, but Jak isn’t that standard when you’re wanting a twist? Yes but have any ever been as good as this one? Probably but I stand by this being one of the most wellexecuted plot twists. Well done too… Well, no one. They can all choke.

Finish line Getting over the edge

For me, racing films are some of the most exciting and thrilling watches. You’re on the edge of your seat, rooting for the underdog as he takes the inner corner and he’s coming in close. Basically just rimming the edge of the leader, his grip faltering and his hands shaking as he–is he going to go? Fuck he’s so close. He’s going to. He does it. He wins the race.

Shithouse: Fast and Furious

When I talk about Fast and Furious as an obvious jerkoff to JDM’s, I’m NOT talking about Devon Aoki ever. Her and the bright pink S2000 are one with my heart forever. Love you baby. Brian and Dom, at the end of the first film, have a race that sees the dodge charger flipping and damn near being destroyed before it comes to a head. Aw cute. But this final race pales in comparison to any of the other races throughout the film. It’s boring, overrated and not at all realistic. Obviously the films are now in space with hovercrafts but they don’t scream toxic masculinity. Anyone, love you Devon Aoki.

Actually Algood: Cars

I don’t want to lose my credibility as a film fan. And trust that today is still not the day where I’m going to be. You want to talk about films that are able to hold your gaze and have you physically anxious for the protagonist to finally win the day? Well shit, look no further. Here’s the thing about the Piston Cup final race that’s so incredible. He doesn’t even win. But his emotional growth throughout the film has taught him to always be the better person. And he was. Someone pass me the tissues.

Being on top–reparations for the underdog

Sometimes you spend the whole film following a character that’s down in the dumps and feels unsupported. Or they’re on a 20 year revenge vendetta against their Viking step-daddy in the hopes of fucking a pagan witch and eating his ass. Something like that.

Actually Algood: Hot Fuzz

One of the most satisfying endings is that of Edgar Wright's second instalment in his Cornetto trilogy, Hot Fuzz. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost battling against the gaslighting little cunted townsfolk has everyone cheering. He fucks those creepy cunts up and justice is finally served after you spend an hour and thirty minutes listening to him be led to believes he’s the problem. This entire film is a shit first year relationship with your obviously toxic high-school sweetheart. Be better.

Shithouse: The Northman

Here’s some keywords that will explain why the ending ruins the film. Volcano Duel. Lava spurts. Sweat naked Alex Skarsgård. Cock. Swinging. Wait, why am I complaining again?

Like most of us who swore we'd never get TikTok, I downloaded it in lockdown and have been addicted, with an average app usage time of three hours a day! They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something, and I've clocked in those hours over the years, so here I am, a self-professed TikTok trend expert. However, watching TikTok is an entirely different art from making them. I'm part of the prominent demographic that swears we would 'never make a TikTok.' But underneath all the layers of tall poppy syndrome, being a TikToker would be the raddest job.

Today, I'm here to discuss the phenomenon of TikTok trends, precisely, the worst types. So, I thought, who better to consult than Emily Crabb, otherwise known as @idislikecrabs, who was a one hit wonder. Crabb's TikTok career peaked during the lockdown when she decided to use henna to cover her face in faux freckles. She was with a mate when her phone 'blew up!'. It lasted overnight, and by the morning, her views on later videos were average (approximately six likes). The Henna Freckle trend died down, too; it was not practical. Crabb also mentioned that she gained hate, most of it addressing the fact that the movement was quite culturally incorrect, which was completely valid. 2/3 out of the 50k comments on this video were calling her out, which just showcased how controversial videos and trends are usually the most popular. She was also cancelled for posting a two-part video. Crabb did not intend to be viral, intending the footage to only be seen by close friends, but an hour after posting, she was met with not only the hate comments but the demands for a part two. Spoiler alert; the henna freckles did not work, so part two was super anticlimactic and led to her losing most of the followers she had only just gained. We should all add being cancelled over the internet to our bucket lists, as it seems—a tremendous character-building experience.

Anyway, let's dive into some of our worst trends- to remind you how technology allows us to act! Here are our worst five:

Shein Hauls

$500 unboxing haul ☺

Whipped/ Dalgona Coffee

Umu Coffee! really you must try this!

Dude, I remember a time when people proudly showed their '$500 Shein hauls' and went through the enormous box stating what they would keep and what they would throw out. Overconsumption is gross. Don't get me wrong, I've fallen into that trap, but please, check yourself before you post a haul drenched in privilege! It's 2023, so I think it’s time we all moved on from these.

Ok, remember this rank shit?! I whipped instant coffee up every day in lockdown for a cute Insta story. I hated drinking it. It could have been more relaxed and better. If you missed the trend, try mixing instant coffee with a drop of water and whipping it so hard your arm nearly falls off, and it's a goodlooking whipped cream consistency. Drink it and tell me it doesn't taste like dirt! I don't think I ever finished a glass.

Really, this will make you cringe! Āhua Noho � Lifestyle

Sculling Sprite + Inhaling Cinnamon

Big intake, brown blow out

Stop The video when you Cringe Challenge

Both of these were fucked! Would you rather throw up or choke? No clue, but why did we ever think either would be a great thing to do and record? Also the milk and banana thing deserves an honourable mention however I was unable to find much footage on this whilst conducting research for this article. Maybe I was just around some pretty odd people.

The Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge

This gets spot #2 because I hate and love this challenge. It's modern-day 'try not to laugh'. But people are far too good at it, and the second I watch for too long, I'm squirming. People are cringing off the charts these days, and I blame TikTok for that. I actually tried to film my own and well, I would not post it for a million dollars it was so bad. People are seriously too comfortable on the internet.

Don't act like you didn't try this. Don’t act like you forgot! It worked, and I classed this as the reason I got lip filler as soon as I turned 18 (Which shock, didn't make me look like Kylie Jenner)! However, most people just looked like they had hickeys around their lips for the next week. So I dare you to try it now. This one gripped us for months, so it takes the top spot.

In conclusion, this shows that anything stupid can become a trend. I do not doubt that the worst is yet to come! However, at the current time, we are in a lull; nothing is too outrageous right now, aside from people dressing up as Ice Spice. I'm grateful for Tall Poppy syndrome not allowing me to post any of these trends, so at least it's good for something! Stay safe, and don't film anything you wouldn't want on your hinge profile ;)

So you think you know everything there’s to know about carb-loading breads with meat and sauce with the occasional veg? You think that somehow putting all the ingredients between two slabs of bread makes you king shit–but is that not counter-intuitive? Think about it seriously. Sure Pizza can be greasy but it can also be made from lo-carb wraps (shout out Farrahs) and use fresh sauces and tons of spinach and you’re got a mean meal that’s worthy of greatness, where a burger is culled meat cooked till it’s dead and smothered in a sauce with pickles and soggy lettuce. Yummy.

Price point, since you wanna be a dick Seamus, is far cheaper for a slice of ‘zza. You can pick up a meal for 2 at $5.99 from Dominos or $6.99 at Pizza Hut. Though I can admit the faults of a cheap flat boy, the taste is av as but the vibe is there. Pizza is a meal to be shared. Company is easier when you’ve got a food that’s easily shared and split. One of you is vege? Half and Half baby. Oh you’re going to split a burger with one of you

not consumed hacked up animals? Tough luck mate, minimum spend $18 for two burgers and you’re now sad watching Cow-spiracy on Netflix.

Here’s the biggest argument for me. They’re ✨cultured✨as an Italian creation built solely to feature the freshest ingredients on a light crispy dough. The base isn’t there to be something other than what it is. Burgers have brioche, some other bullshit and added garlic. Want to know why? Because the meat is always dry and I’m sick of one small red onion, with the aforementioned soggy lettuce, being passed off as a salad. Give me a fucking salad or don’t piss in my mouth and call it Speights. I’m a firm believer that Pizza reigns supreme cos you can have a couple of slices and eat the rest another time because it reheats beautifully. Burgers? Yeah not so much.

Make you own opinion in the world, as long as it’s not on the side of burgers. You’re just wrong.

you can hypothetically put whatever you want on pizza, but the fact that even putting pineapple on pizza creates a war between consumers should tell you how far this idea can stretch. On the other hand, put pineapple in a burger and you’ve got yourself a summer feed. A burger is anything between two burger buns, that means it’s completely up to you for what a burger is. It’s a food item for all and that’s what makes it so great. You like tofu? Put it between burger buns and you’ve got yourself a treat. I don’t care man, you do you.

The inclusive arms of burgers are warm and inviting. So much so that they account for all budgets. They have a range of affordability, from McDonalds to those boujee burger joints on Grey Street. Burgers don’t care who you are, so run to them and let them love you.

word that Jak is going to mention the co-operative element of pizza as they are able to be shared easily (I really hope he keeps this part in otherwise I’ll look like a weirdo). Now, let’s not forget that burgers are able to be shared as well. In fact, you can chomp down on your own respective burger with your mate but still have a meal that each of you enjoy. To me, this is much better than splitting a Veggie Pizza with someone because you had to settle for their vegetarian diet.

Now, if this compelling argument hasn’t stripped you from the greasy, cholesterol boosting flatbread, disguised as a meal, then let me give you some insider info. As a lad who has worked for an established pizza chain, I’ve seen first hand some of the nasty stuff that management let slide when under the crunch of the dinner rush. Hope you like floor pizzas, guys!

Coast Arcade, revisited, refound and re-hyped Reduce, Re-use, Recycle - a message from the people, for the people

Hey, hi, how are you all? Been a minute, we’ve missed you x Hey cuties, it’s us–we missed you more <3

Tell us, with all your amazing successes in the festy circuit, how’s life been over the past year?

Band life over the past year has been pretty epic, not gonna lie. We’ve played some amazing shows, recorded and released new music and travelled outside our hometown–we are now multi-regional. We’ve become even more attached at the hip than before and can’t wait for the next phase of Coast Arcade.

So you released Surf Club recently, as well as opening for some hella dope artists, what can we expect to see? What else is there that you haven’t bloody achieved?

Haha, you can expect to see a lot more of us over the next wee while. We have an EP on the way (dropping May 19th) which we have put a lot of qroha and mahi into. It has tracks Surf Club and Highest Heights as well as three new ones. Over 2023 we have lots of gigs planned and hope to hit that summer festy route even harder this year.

We want to know how you’ve managed insane growth over the last year. Can you give some advice to aspiring bands so there’s no shooting stars, how can they remain level?

It really boils down to time, energy and effort. There’s so much good music in Aotearoa, so set yourself apart. You need to be good at all the other stuff as well as the music. Social media, the bookings, the managing, the releasing, it’s all so important if you want to make tracks and is really not that difficult. A lot of

people don’t realise all the info you need is online on websites like APRA, NZ On Air and NZ Music Commission.

Any clues as to the EP and what’s coming our way?

Our EP ‘Next To Me’ is going to be massive–in our incredibly humble opinion. It includes the tunes we released at the start of the year ‘Highest Heights’ and ‘Surf Club’ but has three new tracks for you to sink your teeth into. ‘Next To Me’ is our title track and focus single, we were lucky enough to get funding for this single from NZ On Air (the absolute best) and it’s a fast, hard-hitting, indie rock-style song, with some subtle hints of

2000 punk in there. Salty Blonde is the next new track- it’s an indie summer ballad and my (bella) personal favourite song on the EP. Salty Blonde is a song I wrote from the perspective of someone writing a song about me (I promise it’s not as narcissistic as it sounds)- I just really love to set myself songwriting challenges to keep that creative tap flowing. Just Peachy is the final song on the EP and it’s an indie surf punk style tune with soft verses and grainy choruses–this one is just a bit of fun and a great track to play live. I wrote Just Peachy at 14 haha!

What was it like playing RNV? Did it help you all grow as a band?

RNV was insane- like the best experience of our lives. To travel to Gisborne to play with your three bestest maties is super cool- the sun was out (mostly) and the crowd was pumping (always). We learnt a lot about working together as a band in Gizzy but more importantly, we came away with a lot we wanted to work on and an excitement to start 2023. Hopefully, we’ll be back on the RNV stage soon!

I guess the last thing is, minus see you in another 12 months, make sure you remember us when you’re famous and keep being dope. Oh also, what’s everyone's favourite colour? The people wanna know.

Aww, you are too kind, we love our yearly catch-ups with the Nexus team! (can next year’s be labelled Coast Arcade x Nexus again again). Well if the people want to know, we’ll have to spill… Thom and Nate’s favourite colour is purple, and Chris and Bella like blue (basic I know, sorry).

Grade-A Breakfast Sludges

Joel Collins

There is nothing more satisfying than slurping down some sludgy sludges, and I know the good shit

Porridge

This is the good shit. Also the cheap shit, just follow the directions on the packet and chug that shit down for BREAKFAST

Weetbix sludge

Crush up your weetbix, then add WAY too much milk. Then get in there with a fork or a whisk, anything that will really sludge it up. You can also add brown sugar which can help with texture.

Maccas hotcakes sludge

For this one you’re gonna wanna blend up some maccas hotcakes with the syrup and the whipped butter, also milk for consistency. If you don’t have a blender just squish it up with your hands, you aren’t above that.

Scrambled scrambled eggs

Cook some scrambled eggs, then wait for it to cool and harden. Then you’re going to want to get in there with a potato masher and CHUG THAT SHIT DOWN

Ice cream cereal

Explanation unneeded

Hummus

Recommended serving size one handful

Schemed

I LOVE SCHEMES AND OTHER SIMILAR ACTIVITIES

Joel Collins

Scheme number four

This one is the one I like to call, The Non-Failed Ronald Experiment

STEP ONE:

So there’s this guy, let’s call him Ronald, who has just invited you to an aquarium! Ronald is your flatmate, you’ve known him for a couple of months but you need something big to really break in the friendship. He got the invites in the mail from some contest he doesn’t remember entering. He enters a lot of contests, though. When he asks you to come with him, get really excited about it before leaving as soon as you can. You have supplies to buy.

STEP TWO:

Come back two hours later with as many big bottles as you can find. Make sure to show Ronald the smaller bottles, but leave the bigger bottles for later.

STEP THREE:

Now it’s time for the hard part. You must train. Or at least make Ronald think you’re training. Make constant refill trips, this paired with the astounding amount of bottles will get him suspicious, but not worried. After a couple of days of this, escalate the situation.

STEP FOUR:

Run a bath. Throughout the day, let out a noticeable

amount of water when you know Ronald will notice. Also, make sure you walk around that day with a really wet head. Wet head, 24/7.

STEP FIVE:

Start leaving the bigger bottles around the place, with only a little bit of water in them. Maybe find a nice glugging sound compilation and play it in your room, loud enough so that He will hear. I’m talking about Ronald when I say He.

STEP SIX:

Oh look, it’s the day of the aquarium trip! If you’ve done your job, Ronald will be fucking terrified. As soon as you get to the aquarium, be skittish and distracted before disappearing when you get the chance.

STEP FIVE:

From there, you can really do what you want with it. You could keep it goin, maybe invest in an above ground pool and a long straw that goes into your window, or maybe you could just stay gone for a bit. The suspense will tear him apart more than any long straw could. Just don’t let it be a repeat of the first attempt of the Ronald experiment, Jesus CHRIST that shit definitely broke several fish laws and at least a couple of those human rights. Not Ronalds’ rights, that poor aquarium attendants’ rights, may God rest her soul.

YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT THIS IS C*NT

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

DAMN THAT'S ONE FIRE KITCHEN BRO...

WORD FIND

YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF THESE COOKING TOOLS BECAUSE YOUR FLAT KITCHEN STINKS.

WORDS... OBVIOUSLY

CROSS THEM OUT AS YOU GO...

Tongs

Grater

Chefs Knife

Paring Knife

Bread Knife

Can opener

Rolling Pin

Sieve

Blender

Saucepan

Masher

Oven Gloves

Pizza Cutter

Bottle opener

Ladle

Mixing Bowl

Measuring spoons

Thermometer

Kitchen Scales

Pasta Fork

Tea Towel

Baking Paper

Apron

Cake Slicer

TRIVIA

ONLY COOL KIDS DO THIS PART NOW.

1. What subatomic particle has no charge?

2. How many pounds of food does Hollywood superstar Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson consume daily?

3. Who renamed the U.S. presidential yacht "Honey Fritz," in honor of his grandfather, a former Boston mayor?

4. Which state features a motto that is a rough translation of its name?