Nexus 2017 Issue 24

FREE STUDENT MAGAZINE

N.24 / V.49

Nexus Retrospectus — Page 06 Darts and Crafts comes home for Christmas — Page 16 Best of Snapped — Page 34

NEXUS ISSUE 24 2ND - 6TH OCTOBER 2017 CO-EDITORS Bronwyn Laundry Lyam Buchanan editor@nexusmag.co.nz

MANAGING EDITOR James Raffan james@nexusmag.co.nz

DESIGN

1 EDITORIAL 4 NEWS So Long, Farewell...

• Passing the Torch • International Students Working for Safe Communities • Dear Long Suffering Nexus Reader • Nexus Retrospectus 2017 • TL;LR • News in Numbers • The Diminutive Post • Top Ten

16 FEATURE Darts & Crafts

20 CENTREFOLD

Photography by Dallas Houghton Instagram: @shutterdallas http://www.smalltalkstore.co.nz/

Vincent Owen design@nexusmag.co.nz

DEPUTY EDITOR Jennie-Louise Kendrick jen@nexusmag.co.nz

REVIEWS EDITOR Alexander Nebesky reviews@nexusmag.co.nz

CONTRIBUTORS Cameron McRobie Tom Collopy Emily Reid Dallas Houghton Richard Swainson Jean Balchin Troy Anderson Jacqui Swney Conor Maxwell Brittany Rose Archie Porter Abdulakeem Iyanda William Lewis

OFFICES Ground Floor SUB, Gate One University of Waikato Knighton Road Hillcrest Hamilton 3216 Private Bag 3059

DISTRIBUTION Matthew Rae

22 FULL EXPOSURE 26 STUDENT EXPERIENCE

Interview with Dallas Houghton

10 SPORTS COLUMNS ENTERTAINMENT 29 13 14 REVIEWS • In Anno in Ludis - Vertice Decem • Do They Have the Right?

• Video Game: ‘The Room’ by Newgrounds • Book: ‘A Strange Beautiful Excitement: Katherine Mansfield’s Wellington’ by Redmer Yska • Album: ‘Concrete and Gold’ by Foo Fighters • Single: 'Dum Surfer’ by King Krule

• 289 Kookaburra vs 212 Kea

• Auteur House • Pass the AUX • Lonely Tarts Club • Yam & Troy the Science Boys • Opinionated

OF 34 BEST SNAPPED 37 BLIND DATE MANY 39 SO PUZZLES

Editorial — Pānui Ētita

NEXUS MAGAZINE

So Long, Farewell...

Well fuck. It’s been 24 issues. If all goes to plan this will be my last editorial, if I’m back next year it’s because I realised just how unemployable I am and have decided to increase my student loan.

When I started writing for Nexus I was coming to the end of my first year and had few friends at uni and no creative outlet. I was changing my degree and wanting some type of change in my sad life.

I emailed the then editor, Britt, because my brother, who had written a tech column for Nexus a million years ago, urged me to. She replied to my sample writing with “I think you’re funny as fuck” (probably not true) and so my column Expectations vs. Reality was born and my love affair with this magazine began.

A few issues into 2016 I was asked to become a codeputy editor alongside Lyam because I was a fucking dweeb who never missed a deadline. It was then I found out I was a Nexus legacy, not only had my brother written for Nexus, but my older cousin had been editor in 1995.

Ever since I was a kid, reading my brother’s issues of the magazine I felt like I would wind up writing for Nexus, but I never imagined I’d be an editor.

And boy it’s been a wild ride.

I think when you’re a first year flicking through the puzzles section and going straight to Blind Date, you might underestimate the sheer amount of work that goes into

producing a 48 page magazine, weekly, while studying, working other jobs and making sure there’s still time for beersies. It’s been the most difficult, but the best job I’ve ever had. It’s true what they say - if you’re doing something you love, it won’t feel like work. And for that I have to thank Britt, for answering that email in the way she did, James, who always has a solution, Vincent, for great Cher impressions, the contributors, who make this magazine more than a two-person shitshow, but most importantly Lyam, who is the world’s biggest sick cunt and the greatest co-ed/friend I could’ve had this year. Also you guys, the people that read and interact with us, and keep us alive.

We literally couldn’t do this without you.

So thanks for everything, it’s been real.

Now I just have to figure out how to do something like this for the rest of my life. ♦

— Bron xx

There’s not a whole lot more to add, it’s been a classic 24 issues and I’m hopeful the next set will continue to please. I won’t get sappy just yet, you’re still stuck with me for another year so let’s save all that emotional jazz for a climactic shitfest at the end of the next lot. ♦

— Lyam xx 01

Uni News — Pitopito Korero

U N I

NEXUS MAGAZINE

N E W S

The world’s best are coming, are you?

In November, Hamilton will host two blockbuster matches in this year’s Rugby League World Cup. Pacific rivals Samoa and Tonga will face off on November 4 before the New Zealand Kiwis come to town to take on Tonga on November 11. Student tickets start from just $10 so get in quick! For more information on the tournament, head to RLWC2017.com.

December graduation Have you recently completed your studies?

Or do you anticipate completion before the 20 November? If so, you can now apply to graduate.

Go to the common tasks tab in iWaikato and select apply to graduate. The deadline for applications to graduate if you wish to attend the December ceremony is 11 October. Apply now so you don’t miss out. Read more in our FAQs.

Code of Student Conduct The University is committed to providing a safe environment. A draft Code of Student Conduct (waikato.ac.nz/student-life/student-safety) has been has been developed to give clear guidance on the standards of conduct expected by the University and to refer students, staff and other members of the University community to the procedures for making, investigating and resolving complaints of misconduct. Feedback on the proposed Code of Student Conduct is invited to the University’s Manager Policy and Governance at policy@waikato.ac.nz by Friday 6 October 2017.

Make your summer count Make your CV stand out by getting involved in volunteering through our Employability Plus Programme. Gain volunteer experience, get work ready and develop career skills. Learn more about the programme and register through waikato. ac.nz/students/careers to attend an upcoming workshop.

Join us for International Day International Day is coming up on Wednesday 4 October, from 1-3pm on the Village Green. Put on your favourite ethnic dress and come celebrate cultural diversity on campus! There will be free food tasting and cultural performances, cultural arts and crafts, Holi Colour Fest and more. Visit facebook.com/waikatoInternational/events for more information.

Go to iWaikato or Student eNews for more information and other need-to-knows.

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News — Pitopito Korero

Passing the Torch William Lewis In my first Nexus column as President, I promised that 2017 was going to be huge and that Wintec was going to pay for it. A fiercely witty analogy to what had proven a train wreck of a U.S. election.

I’m proud to say that 2017 has indeed been a big year for Waikato Students’ Union. Regrettably, I have been no more adept at loosening Wintec’s purse strings than my orange counterpart has been at persuading Mexico, or his own congress, to pick up the phone.

We have been building though. Not a wall. A bar. A real life, you can touch it, you can drink at it, student bar. Well, almost. The University is in the final stages of putting together a long term development plan. They have put in a huge amount of effort listening to staff and students.

Unsurprisingly, they have heard loud and clear that we want need a student bar. We’re now tantalisingly close to having a final plan that includes a new bar as a 2017-20 development priority. We have made sure the plan includes lots of other cool stuff too; like a revamped student union building with clubs facilities and a student lounge, and cheaper food options when The Pā project is completed.

When we haven’t had the hammer and nails out, we’ve been busy on a slew of other initiatives. I’m running out of both column inches and single malt as I write this, so I’ll have to list the other biggies: a new WSU website with great student tools and a live Nexus website coming soon with way more digital content, a joint WSU/University committee that will give students more input into how money is spent on student services, a plan to generate more campus activity, a project to better support class and academic reps, advocating for students on changes to FASS, the medical centre, Moodle and more, and a heap of internal reform to keep the ship running smoothly into the future.

We have a carefully thought out and really ambitious strategy for 2018. I have no doubt WSU will continue to deliver great outcomes for students – or at least be the second worst administration out there. Sorry, I forgot about Winston. Make that third.

Thank you for your support. ♦

International Students Working For Safe Communities Abdulakeem Iyanda A group of international student ambassadors having been working closely with local police to help reduce crime and victimisation within the community. As we come into a very busy and stressful part of the year we’d like to remind you that thieves are opportunistic, don’t give them the chance to make you their victim; New Zealand may be one of the safest and least corrupt countries in the world but crime is still apparent.

It’s your responsibility to look after your property- don’t leave bags or items unattended.

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If you are studying and need to leave your workspace for a few minutes, always take your property with you. Even in busy places such as the library, do not think that other people will look after your property. https://www.facebook.com/ InternationalStudentAmbassdor/ ♦

News — Pitopito Korero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Dear Long Suffering Nexus Reader, James Raffan, Nexus Managing Editor It was our intention to bring you the verified provisional WSU election result, as we have done every year. But, due to an illness, we were unable to get finalised results.

Fortunately, by the time you are reading this all the winners and the “non-winners” will have been notifed. We were given a list of likely winners and were confident enough to print nine of them, with names not margins.

If you want the full and final list please check out the WSU or Nexus Facebook. If these results turn out to be incredibly inacurate, I will look stupid.

But I’m used to looking stupid.

Thank you for your support. ♦

WSU President

WSU Directors

Candra Pullon

Emily Reid

WSU Vice-President Elliot Wilks

WSU Vice-President Māori Nathan Rahui

Charissa Tan Safiya Noorzai Terina Walker Jamie Pentecost Josh Herbert ??? ???

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News — Pitopito Korero

Nexus Retrospectus (2017 Edition)

Wednesday rolled and we realised that there were only going to be two newsworthy stories this week —WSU elections and General Elections. For the latter there isn’t even anything conclusive to report on, so we decided to get retrospective and update you on some of our big stories this year.

Mental Health: Undervalued and Underfunded Jennie-Louise Kendrick Election years often bring to the surface many things. This year, major talking points in the lead up to the election were climate change, affordable housing and mental health.

Labour Party leader Jacinda Ardern told the story of her brother’s friend’s passing at many public speeches, her tone shaky and her sentiment echoing the Labour Party’s election promise to improve mental health facilities and support for New Zealanders. She proposed $120 million increase in funding for mental health, while National pledged $56 million.

In Issue 08, Nexus covered the release of the People’s Mental Health Review, which criticised the Government’s handling of the mental health crisis. Campaign organiser, Simon Oosterman, says the “Government is fully aware they haven’t funded health properly”. These sentiments were echoed by legendary comedian Mike King, who says Health Minister and average-looking white man Jonathan Coleman “wouldn’t have a clue” the current budget for mental health services.

“We’re running a reactive rather than proactive service and it’s putting pressure on workers,” King said.

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According to 2014 statistics from the World Health Organisation, the New Zealand Govern-ment spent less than two-thirds of what the United Kingdom, Australia and the United States forked out per capita.

In Issue 11, we announced the resignation of King from the New Zealand Suicide Prevention External Advisory Panel. Labour Leader Jacinda Ardern said his resignation is a “major red flag”, and Greens Spokesperson for Health, Julie Anne Genter, said “For him to step away from this shows the utter frustration over the lack of forthcoming action on suicide and a Government missing in action on mental health.”

To date, King continues to hold public korero to break the stigma of talking about suicide.

According to the Chief Coroner’s provisional suicide statistics for 2016/17, 606 people died by suicide in New Zealand - up from 579 in 2015. ♦

News — Pitopito Korero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

A FASS That Just Won’t Quit Alexander Nebesky In Issue 6 Nexus reported on the proposed cuts to the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences. Between 17 to 21 jobs were in danger of being cut and a significant overhaul to the music department was being considered.

Acting Dean Alison Kirkman stated that these cuts would “strengthen” FASS and that the declining numbers of students in the faculty meant the programmes were unsustainable, stating,”The numbers have either been fairly static for many years or, for the last three years, numbers overall have been declining.”

Shortly after the story was printed the volunteer Concert for Our Conservatorium was hosted by music students and people from all over the community rallied in support of the Arts and Humanities. 2000 people signed petitions, 180 submissions were sent to Kirkman and numerous opinion articles were published on Stuff.

As of August 10th changes were yet to be made to the music department, however, a final decision will reportedly be made on October 17th after

months of consultation.

To students of FASS, staffing changes have been incredibly noticeable. The German program will no longer exist in 2018; Norman Franke took voluntary redundancy and Beate Jones has been employed part-time so that current German students can finish their qualification. The history department saw the resignations of senior lecturer James Beattie, who was offered a position at Victoria University of Wellington, and senior lecturer Rowland Weston, who took a voluntary redundancy or resigned due to health reasons. This left only senior lecturers Nepia Mahuika and Raymond Richards. B semester history papers had to be significantly reshuffled with teaching fellows Karen Buckley and Nadia Gush on temporary contracts.

Professor Dov Bing also resigned after 46 years of teaching political science, and labelled the University a “fascist society” that limits the staff’s freedom of speech in an interview with Stuff.

Despite the resignations and up-in-the-air status of the faculty, FASS soldiers on ♦

Festival Testing gets Higher off the Ground Bronwyn Laundry In Issue 13 we reported on the call by a number of organisations for pill checking at festivals to become legal in New Zealand. Covert testing was carried out at eight New Zealand festivals

by KnowYourStuffNZ and it was revealed that 31 per cent of the drugs were not what the user expected them to be.

KnowYourStuffNZ spokeswoman, Wendy Allison claimed that, “Without drug checking, people go to events and use drugs which they purchased illicitly with no assurances that what they have is what they think it is, or what quality or strength it is.”

We also had spoken to Andrew Tuck, Homegrown’s Event Director who was in favour of the movement and spoke about how it would help the event staff ensure the safety of festival-goers.

“A lot of the people we deal with have taken bad drugs, if we tested we would prevent these drugs from being taken.”

Last week the Australian Government gave the tick of approval for the first legal on-site drug testing

operation to be held at Canberra’s Spilt Milk Festival.

“Pill testing means young people who are considering taking drugs can be informed about what’s really in their pills and how potent they are. And it creates an opportunity to remind them of the risks before they make the final decision to take a drug.” ACT Minister for Health and Wellbeing, Meegan Fitzharris, said to the Sunday Morning Herald, following the decision.

Six UK festivals, including Reading and Leeds are to allow on-site drug testing.

However, there are still some opposed to the movement, for example Rhythm and Vines founder Hamish Pinkham, who stated “I think testing is condoning drug use in some respects.

We’re not the fun police and while we absolutely don’t condone drugs...people don’t want to feel like they’re being scrutinised or tested.”

We can only hope that New Zealand, given its propensity to copy everything Australia does, will soon follow suit. ♦

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News — Pitopito Korero

TL;LR

Too Long; Lyam Read Nexus interpets news headlines so you don’t have to.

“Third year engineer forgets how to utilise a door.”

— Student survives three days in a cave after college group leaves him behind. To survive he licked the cave walls for moisture.

“Strayan wildlife more evolved than majority of residents.”

— Pole dancing, late-night visits, evading the law: Australian police report encounters with koalas.

“Obtaining treats without mahi ruins lives.”

— Bride who took stag funds ‘now homeless’ after family disowns her. Sources claim Ms Doran was motivated by revenge as she wrongly believed her partner had cheated on her.

“iPhone X release causes parental anxiety to skyrocket.”

— Extraordinary number of students signing up to be ‘sugar babies’. ~130,000 prospective “sugar babies” vying for the attention of approximately 57,000 “sugar daddies”.

“Domino’s now stuffing more than just the crust.”

— Couple shamed after sex romp in Domino’s.

The couple imitated sex with a traffic cone before having sex in the Pizza takeaway.

“Lanky Lorax man big fan of being vertical.”

— Not Coming Down. A protester has climbed a 150-year-old Norfolk pine in north Auckland in an effort to stop it being felled.

News in Numbers 8ish

SIKE

2018

21

43%

2+2

weeks left until you’ll hopefully be munched at a festival and/or beach etc. Stay strong.

has now been confirmed to take place next year.

of recent hospital admissions have been in relation to the bleeding hearts of liberals.

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you thought this was gonna be quick news in relation to a number, wowee you just got bamboozled.

weeks until the next issue of Nexus makes its way into your sweet succulent hands.

results in the quantity of 4, when 1 is removed from this we are left with the total of 3.

The Diminutive Post

NEXUS MAGAZINE

News — Pitopito Korero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

TOP 10 BREAKING: Medical Professionals Confirm ‘Randal the Jandal’ Content Is Detrimental to Viewers Health “Reports have shown that a single ‘Randal’ Snap can cause the viewer to post scenic pictures of campus accompanied by hashtags such as #friyay and #lovethetron”. Anonymous correspondent speaks out about the dangers of hyper-relatable marketing. “Students have also reported cases of mild nausea and an urge to change universities.”

You can always repeat an exam, you can’t repeat a New Years. With the festive season fast approaching the dilemma on everyone’s mind is securing work off for the golden week in early January. We’re here to relieve some of this stress and provide you with a series of flawless ideas to ensure your freedom.

10. Assert your dominance during a lunch break, chuck a toothpick under your toenail and kick a wall. You’ll either get fired or promoted, a win win nonetheless.

9. Buy a packet of raw chicken drumsticks, refuse to cook it and suck every last bit of pink poultry off the bone. You’ll forget you even went to hospital by the time you finish Bay Dreams.

1 in 5 Admit Suffering a Minor Stroke After Realising How Soon Studylink Stops “Honestly, I’m fucked.” Disheartened Hogan St socialite struggles to cope with the imminent removal of their Government safety net. “Maybe I should just take a couple summer school papers, you can get Studylink for that right? I guess I could just move home… Reckon mum would care if she caught me having a cone?”

8. Organise a professional chat with you employer months in advance, explain your situation and offer to find cover for your position to ease the burden.

7. Chuck your window down on the drive home from work and high-five some oncoming traffic, this way you’ll even have a cool cast to get your new summer buddies to sign.

6. Turn up to the Christmas do dressed as something highly insensitive/inappropriate and you’ll never have to see or hear from any workmates again.

5. Don’t get a job in the first place and attempt to sustain yourself off Jobseekers Allowance while half-heartedly searching for work online, surely your mates would spot you a box on NYE.

Soon to Be Graduate Develops Comprehensive Social Media Plan to Capitalize on Only Significant Achievement “On Facebook I’ll definitely come across with the slightly mysterious but wholeheartedly thankful vibe, I can monitor the likes and build my LinkedIn connections off that”. Self proclaimed Hamilton celebrity continues to believe people actually care about them. “I’ll definitely go for that edgy vibe on Insta though, maybe the ‘thanks to everyone I plagiarised’ aesthetic”

4. Ask your employer politely. Maybe offer to work some overtime or even cover a few shifts in advance to balance it out.

3. Live exclusively off your parents, maybe take the yacht out every now and then to kill time while you wait for your mates to finish work.

2. Come up with a crazy idea while mid-sesh and translate it into a successful entrepreneurial venture, become a multi-millionaire overnight and never work another day.

1. Just fuckin’ walk out the door and never come back. Set your spirit free, you don’t need to acknowledge them on your CV. You got hired once, you’ll get hired again. ♦ 09

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Sports — Hākinakina

In Anno in Ludis Vertice Decem Cameron McRobie 2017 is nearly over, well for us students who are graced with a ridiculous four months holiday anyway.

Over the last nine hectic months we’ve seen athletes and teams worldwide set remarkable records, as well as many upsets and wins against the odds.

Here’s some of the most sweet and sour moments I’ve witnessed and bothered to include in this last issue of the semester, gals and lads – your top ten.

Cycling has had huge international attention this year, George Bennett won New Zealand’s first ever UCI world tour title in the Tour of California – arguably the most important cycling result because we Kiwis tend to not give a fuck about sports unless we’re winning them. Chris Froome, British cyclist riding for Team Sky won his fourth Tour de France and followed it up a couple of months later, winning La Vuelta Espańa and totalling two of the three grand tours in a season. The Tour-Vuelta double hasn’t been achieved since the Frenchman Bernard Hinault in 1978 and had only been done once prior to that. Finally, the two wheel wizard that is Sam Gaze, hailing from Cambridge – the town of trees and champions, managed to defend his cross country mountain biking U23 World title and keep his mitts on the Rainbow jersey.

In rugby news, the ladies have outclassed the lads this year. The Black Ferns beat England in the final of the Women’s Rugby World Cup in Ireland to match the then recent success of the NZ Women’s Sevens team, in their domination of this year’s world series. This surpassed ol’ mate Kieran and his team of overpaid dolts who couldn’t even beat the British and Irish Lions (who by the way lost to the Blues, FYI). Fortunately the AB’s redeemed themselves more recently with that outstanding, record 57-0 win over the Boks in the Freedom Cup. 10

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It’s a few months down the track now and politics has taken over as the preferred conversational topic – but we should all remember Emirates Team New Zealand’s spectacular routing of Oracle Team USA in the America’s Cup sailing.

The success of the good looking lads, Burling and Tuke got them picked up by teams for the Volvo Ocean race – the next on their list to achieve sailing’s coveted triple-crown.

Big-boy Joseph Parker did his part in getting the people of New Zealand $2 BK Whoppers for a dusty Sunday feedit following his 2016 win of the WBO world heavyweight title – however what’s more impressive is that he’s been able to preserve this belt through his recent rumble with Hughie Fury.

Taking the sporting world by storm in 2014 after coming out as one of the first openly gay rowers, Robbie Manson snatched the opportunity to take up the hotly contested single sculls seat in the absence of old bugger Mahé Drysdale and now cycling time trial convert Hamish Bond. Not only did he hold his own as the shortest rower in the final of the most competitive discipline in rowing – but he also destroyed Mahé’s previous record by a whole three seconds, setting a new world best of 6:30.74 and earning him gold.

The Black Caps have been fairly quiet all year – their performances overshadowed by the fierce competition on display in the inaugural Clyde Park BYC Twenty/20, between Team Daddy Issues and the Wicked Keepers. The day adhered to BYC regulations of brews, average bowling and aggressive sledging. Team Daddy Issues are the current trophy holders but there’s been a call from the Wicked Keepers for a rematch series as summer’s coming in hot. ♦

↑ GEORGE BENNETT

↑ BLAIR TUKE & PETER BURLING

↑ ROBBIE MANSON

Sports — Hākinakina

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Do They Have the Right?

Tom Collopy → A P L E B I SC I T E I S A D I R ECT VOT E BY A L L AU S T R A L I A N S ON AN ISSUE -- IN THIS CASE, MARRIAGE EQUALITY W H I C H D O ES N ’ T A F F ECT T H E AUSTRALIAN CONSTITUTION. → T H E P O S TA L V O T E W O N ’ T BE BINDING. THIS MEANS T H AT E V E N I F A M A J O R I T Y O F AU S T R A L I A N S VOT E ‘ Y E S ’ I N T H E P O S TA L V O T E , IT DOESN’T ENSURE SAME SEX MARRIAGE WILL BE L E G A L I S E D. → A ‘ Y E S ’ VOT E W I L L P RO M P T A F R E E VOT E BA S E D O N A P R I VAT E M E M B E R S ’ B I L L I N P A R L I A M E N T. A ‘ N O ’ VOT E W I L L N OT T R I G G E R T H I S ACT I O N .

Within the Australian sporting media and the AFL community a massive debate was sparked when the AFL publicly showed their support for the YES vote in the ongoing Australian Marriage Equality plebiscite. The first I saw of this was a debate between Sam Newman and Eddie McGuire on the AFL Footy Show. Sam was of the view that the AFL as a sporting organisation shouldn’t be and don’t have the right to be pushing political agendas and rather they should stick to running the game and letting the fans watch the footy. Eddie on the other hand whilst agreeing that the AFL shouldn’t be promulgating political agendas, believed that they had every right to as an organisation show support for what they believe is right. I am of the same opinion as Eddie in that I don’t see anything wrong with the AFL supporting the YES vote. In doing so they are purely showing support for what they believe is right without trying to ostracize anyone with an opposing view.

Mr Newman stated “who gives you the right to tell people who they should vote for”. Straight out of the gate I think you have missed the mark Sam because as you noted the vote is a plebiscite not a referendum. What that means is that it is not compulsory to vote nor is the result binding so no one in the Australian public should feel any pressure to vote. Only those with a personal opinion on the matter will end up voting on the matter so the AFL publicising their support isn’t pressuring or telling anyone who to vote for. What it does do is reiterate the organisations belief of equality within their Community and Australian Society. This is obviously a message they want to promote after posting to their twitter “The AFL

is committed to equality and diversity, and we support the rights of all Australians to live, work and play free from discrimination”.

I feel that the AFL have as much right as anyone to use their platform to support causes they believe in whether they are political or not. The fact that there is a vote surrounding marriage equality shouldn’t make showing support for it any different than showing support of gender equality, racial equality or any other societal issue. ♦

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Entertainment — Whakangahau

NEXUS MAGAZINE

ENTERTAINMENT Crush of the Week – Tom Sainsbury King of Snapchat and purveyor of fine memes, this Matamata-born funny man has made a career out of impersonating New Zealand celebrities.

Since starting his Facebook page “Tom Sainsbury - Comedian and Snapchat Dude” in March, he has impersonated Bill English, Jacinda Ardern, Paula Bennett, Mike Hosking, and Simon Bridges. With the wind-down of political mania post-election, he’s now pretending to be a smoke alarm for the New Zealand Fire Service.

Clickbait Moodboard: Summer Essentials

Hottest to Nottest →→ Broad City Season 4 →→ Starting your resolutions now instead of waiting until the New Year →→ It’s nearly Halloween →→ Dog-watching at the Hamilton Gardens →→ Finding a crumpled ‘I Voted’ sticker in the bottom of your washing machine →→ Starting to think of acceptable Christmas presents →→ Getting honked at for no apparent reason →→ Chilled water →→ The elf on the shelf meme →→ Studylink funding is gonna cease soon the lend is nigh

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Reviews — Arotakenga

Video Game

Book

Arotakenga Tākoro Ataata ‘The Room’ by Newgrounds Review: Conor Maxwell

Arotakenga Pukapuka ‘A Strange Beautiful Excitement: Katherine Mansfield’s Wellington’ by Redmer Yska Review: Brittany Rose-

-5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5 It’s the last Nexus of the year, so let’s end the semester with a masterpiece of modern entertainment; The Room. Lovingly inspired by Tommy Wiseau’s cult classic film of the same name, The Room (also known as The Room Tribute) is a point-and- click adventure game following the daily life of Johnny during the events of the film.

Everything that’s great about The Room is present in this game: the characters are artistically recreated, the inhuman dialogue reflects Tommy Wiseau’s bizarre vocal cadence and that annoyingly catchy song that plays during scene transitions is featured on repeat throughout the entire game. Unlike the film, The Room Tribute is told entirely from Johnny’s perspective, so we get to experience important moments in Johnny’s story that are only alluded to in the base story. When Mark and Lisa are having an uncomfortably long sex scene, for example, the player instead controls Johnny at his work, on the infamous day when he does not get his promotion.

What solidifies this game as a piece of fancreated genius are the little in-jokes and nods to the extended Wiseauverse- especially the subplot that confirms that Johnny is (as we all expected) an alien sent to Earth with the sole purpose of finding as many spoons as possible.

With The Disaster Artist coming to cinemas later this year, now has never been a better time to visit/revisit The Room franchise. Play the game.

Watch the movies. Say “Oh hi” to all your friends named Mark. ♦

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-5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5 The title is a lexically excessive, concurrently the title is a gold embossed serif font, stamped into a green spine, the texture of card. Inside the cover, an impressionist horizon appears beneath blotted clouds, and a lady in a hat strolls along a pier…

Hard to read? Yeah, so is this book. Prominent NZ novelist Fiona Kidman described Yska’s writing as a “ravishing, immersive read”; but deary me it feels a lot more like flowery excess pinned to disparate historical and geographic facts about Wellington. Oh, and it’s supposed to be about Katherine Mansfield 1888-1903, so quotes from her writing and journals/personal correspondence were included (which is the only thing kept me turning the pages).

Yes, it’s a biography/historical fiction hybrid, but there’s just something about it that is so… retrospective? Outdated? Antiquated? Idk. Even the yellow bookmark ribbon attached to the spine feels fuddy-duddy and old fashioned definitely not a “wild ride” as Kidman described it. To be fair, Kidman is 77, and I am not.

But my Grandmother is about to be!

My Grandmother grew up in Wellington (relevant), is a retired librarian (relevant), and has an unusual affinity for NZ landscapes (also relevant to the content of this book). Even down to the oil painting featured on the cover and front and back covers, this book screams “Retired Book Worm” at the top of its lungs - and then ensures to footnote with a citation and provide supporting imagery. It’s the perfect gift for a 77th birthday. Thanks Otago University Press. You’re welcome, Gran. ♦

Re v e w

e vi

ws.

Reviews — Arotakenga

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Album

Single

Arotakenga Pakaemi ‘Concrete and Gold’ by Foo Fighters Review: Troy Anderson

Arotakenga Waiata ‘Dum Surfer’ by King Krule Review: Archie Porter

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Foo Fighters have recently released their ninth studio album titled Concrete and Gold. It’s been highly anticipated and I must say, I found it super, super, super, super average. It was just average.

I had reasonable expectations going into this after hearing the two singles that were released a short while ago, titled ‘Run’ and the ‘The Sky is a Neighborhood’. These were fairly good tracks, but I guess now I will have to go back to the cynical mindset. The mindset that says: “There’s a reason those songs got picked as singles, the album as a whole cannot possibly hope to stand up to the quality of its singles.”

The whole thing just kind of meanders along with no particular standout moments. I’ve been informed that Justin Timberlake does backing vocals on one of the tracks but I couldn’t tell you what one because I was that bored with the whole thing. It’s all just very classic Foo Fighters, if you’re a mad fanboy/girl you’ll be all over this shit because the production quality is great and the songwriting is good, but for those who were never quite convinced, don’t bother. It’s fine, these guys are talented musicians but it’s just like the rest of their shit.

I am knocking this pretty hard, but I’m of the mind that we shouldn’t be wasting our time with music that doesn’t blow us out of the water every single listen. I’ve listened to this album in its entirety maybe four times now in the hopes that it would grow on me, but it really hasn’t. At least Dave Grohl’s mum likes it, she reckons it’s their best shit. There is such thing as the ‘greatest hits era’, funny considering they put that record out eight years ago… ♦

Taken from his upcoming album, ‘Dum Surfer’ sees King Krule return to his snarling, visceral aesthetic akin to his previous record, 6 Feet Beneath the Moon. The last single Krule dropped (Czech One) was not a huge hit for me. While the track boasted some of Krule’s most poetic lyrics to date and a smooth, dreamlike atmosphere, the slow instrumentation didn’t particularly go anywhere, and the song seemed a somewhat disappointing release. However, with ‘Dum Surfer’, Krule channels the harshness and brutality of his older work, resulting in a brilliant track full of lyrical grime and instrumental intensity.

With its tight percussion and eerie, brooding atmosphere, the track moves along with haste.

Krule’s dark sense of humour is prominent here, though his usual poetic nature is gone in favour of sleazy, repugnant lyrics. A couple of particularly memorable examples include “Skunk and onion gravy, as my brain’s potato mash,” and “I’m a step from madness as I puke on pavement slabs.” Paired with his demonic vocal delivery, they make for a very entertaining, albeit smutty listen. Yet, despite the songs grim subject matter, Marshall and his band have an inherent groove that adds an almost bluesy vibe to the track.

While the first half is extremely dark and strange, the song builds as a saxophone gently croons atop the tight drum beat. Overall this is a great return to form; the song is fresh and exciting, but still feels like King Krule through and through.

If the remaining unreleased tracks are of this high calibre, The Ooz is bound to be an incredible album. ♦

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Darts & Crafts Darts & Crafts Darts&&Crafts Crafts Darts NEXUS MAGAZINE

News — Pitopito Korero

Emily Reid

Nexus Magazine in Association with Darts and Crafts Wishes You a Beery Merry Christmas.

Yeah, we know it’s September. We’re excited. Our resident crafty queen has finally returned, bringing Christmas spirit beyond anything we’ve ever seen. It may be a tad premature but this opportunity is too good to pass up. Here’s a collection of festive creations to ensure your flat is without a doubt the jolliest home away from home.

Gherkin Globe If you weren’t lucky enough to make it to the snow this year but have a hankering for a little wintery goodness, this project is for you. Who am I kidding? This is no compensation for the endless ski snaps you received while you were stuck in rainy Hamilton, but it’s a start.

Materials: A gherkin jar (an empty one is easiest); your favourite Christmas ornament; water (probably from a tap); desiccated coconut; glitter; moderate amount of ribbon; a loaded hot glue gun.

Directions: → Apply glue to the base of your chosen ornament, secure it to the base inside the jar. → Take your desiccated coconut, add the desired amount to the jar. → Follow this by adding the desired amount of glitter, consult with your Christmas ornament if you’re unsure on the quantity. → Ensure your ornament is prepared to hold their breath for an extended period of time, fill the jar with water. → Place the lid on top and secure tightly. → Decorate the exterior by of your old gherkin household by artistically gluing ribbon. → Ask your ornament if they’re holding on tight before shaking to your hearts content.

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Feature — Kupu Whakaatu

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Precious Little Snowflakes With the trust fund a little more dry than usual it’s time to accept that your stocking will bulge a little less this Christmas. Not to worry princess, these lovely wee earrings will still have you sparkling this festive season.

Materials: A can of beer (or cruisers, we don’t discriminate); scissors; stock standard PVA glue; glitter; big ol’ hoops.

Directions: → Consume your chosen beverage, preferably in the company of at least one other pal to minimise self-reflection. → Using the scissors, carefully cut out the main body of the can. → Cut this piece in half and flatten the aluminium. Take your time, these edges can be fairly sharp. → Using these halves, cut each into the shape of a basic snowflake. → Organise your glitter on your currently naked snowflake to really jazz it up. → Secure down with PVA glue. Allow to dry. → Guide your big ol’ hoops through the pre-made hole. → Attach your precious little snowflake earrings to your (preferably) already pierced ears. → Embrace the purity of the moment, you just became the embodiment of Christmas spirit. You look lovely.

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Feature — Kupu Whakaatu

Sparkles of Regret There’s nothing like a festive beverage and a pack of fairy lights to really get you in the mood. You may regret being on the receiving end of a few too many open bottles but now it’s time right your wrongs.

There’s no need to chuck bottle caps behind the couch, give them the chance to enjoy the Christmas spirit too.

Materials: Red and green bottle tops; only the finest; drill (with appropriate tip); a nice set of fairy lights; a loaded hot glue gun.

Directions: → Collect a sizeable bunch of appropriate bottle tops. → Carefully drill through the center of each, ensure the holes are big enough for the fairy lights to fit snug. → Attach the now holy bottle caps to individual lights. → Secure with hot glue. → Once dried, hang them somewhere which will maximise their output of jolly Christmas spirit.

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Feature — Kupu Whakaatu

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Wrekt Wreath Much like Christmas, the joys of university are only temporary, one day you’ll wake up and the innocence is gone. Thankfully today is not that day. Here’s a trendy twist on a wholesome classic, a foolproof way to give your flat the festive charm it’s always needed.

Material: A sizeable piece of cardboard; jolly green poster paint; VB cans (previously consumed); trusty scissors; loaded hot glue gun; vivid; red bottle tops.

Directions: → Take the cardboard and use the vivid to mark out a large donut shape. Refer to accompanying image for approximate size. → Use the scissors to cut out your cardboard donut, coat your donut in few layers of green poster paint. → Momentarily leave your donut to dry. → Cut up the VB cans to somewhat resemble holly leaves. → Use the hot glue gun to attach your VB leaves to the now dried donut. → Finish it off with adding some aesthetic red bottle tops. → Hang this on the entrance to your quaint abode, feel fulfilled with the positive contribution you’ve just made to the neighbourhood.

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Full Exposure — Mārakerake

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Full Exposure — Mārakerake

NEXUS MAGAZINE

You may know Dallas Houghton as shutterdallas, the guy who takes all the best photos of your embarrassing selves in town, but he’s also got his own clothing label, SMALL TALK STORE, and dabbles in saving your life with fried chicken at Wongs.

At least three quarters of our readership will have had their photograph taken by you while drunkenly stumbling around town - what’s it like being the king of the club photography scene in Hamilton?

I don’t think of myself as the king haha, but it does get annoying whenever I see someone and they ask why I’m not taking photos on that night (when I’m working at Wongs for example). But I guess it has some perks, like people giving me a discount. Yeah shout out to them!

There have to have been some pretty wild nights working behind the flash bulb; what are some of your favourite (or least favourite) memories from working in the Hamilton nightlife?

I’ve definitely seen some crazy stuff in my time. One of the more traumatising moments was seeing a couple reach second base in Bar 101. And my least favourite memory was when Refuel Jo opened up.

Tell us about SMALL TALK STORE and the iconic 3216 t-shirt we’ve been seeing everywhere.

After watching my friends make band shirts using a homemade screen printing setup, I got really interested in the screen printing your own clothes. I’ve always had an interest in design, and I really like doing DIY projects. The 3216 shirt is just a homage to Hamilton East, the best area in Hamilton for clothing, dining, and living.

What else have you been working on, photography-wise?

I’ve got a lot of projects I am working on, but the most important one I’m trying to work on is photos for my brand. If you are an aspiring model DM me on Insta, @shutterdallas!

How did you get into photography? It’s a pretty expensive passion, right?

I first started taking photos in 2011 after stumbling across a site called Lomography.

Lomography was all about using old mechanical lo-fi cameras. So I bought my first camera which was an all plastic film camera (even the lens) which was only $20. It does become expensive once you want to start using digital and think you need to fork out on all the flash gear but you can totally get the same results with cheaper/used gear etc. When I bought my first DSLR (Canon 350d) it only cost me $80 on eBay. I just used my old 35mm lenses from my film SLRs. List three people you’d love to photograph before they (or you… look after yourself, Dallas) die.

Early 2000s Fred Durst, Jordan Vickors and “coco princess” Where to from here?

I’m off to Japan next month, hopefully I’ll make a zine or a photography book in the next year. ♦

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Student Experience — Wheako Tauira

289 Kookabur (Treble Cone Cafe As Nexus comes to an end for 2017, we sent our two most intrepid and risk positive reporters deep into the underbelly of a war that has been waged since Maui first fished up the Island, and created trans-Tasman rivalry. We are, of course, talking about the gruesome and bloody tale of Kookaburra vs Kea. We detest actual animal violence but Animal Fighting Scenarios, we are all about that. So here it is Lyam’s 289 Kookaburra vs Alex’s 212 Kea. We give you the ultimate fight for national pride.

289 Kookaburra - lyam Crackin’ straight on in it’s obvious to see how the Kookaburra could bring some serious heat to a Treble cone tussle. These feathered beauties have mastered the art of aerodynamics, becoming the equivalent of a homing bullet capable of reaching speeds of up to (a slightly underwhelming) 32kmph.

As members of the Australian brethren it’s a given that hardiness is built into their genes. Kookaburra may not be as ‘intuitive’ as the opposing Kea, but they heavily compensate with a raw instinctual lack of fear. Straya is known for it’s terrifying array of wildlife, the fact that our avian pal/Kookaburra exclusively consumes these creatures says more than enough, especially after considering that the placid collection of feathers known as a Kea sticks to berries and various nectars. Pathetic.

The Treble cone home advantage doesn’t mean shit. During the initial moments of this battle, our Australian buddies would firstly engage in a minor reconnaissance mission, scoping out the area while the Kea are busy posing for tourists and walking in front of oncoming traffic. From this the Kookaburra would’ve gathered the required information to take full advantage of their surroundings.

A brigade of intimidators would then be established with the sole purpose of producing their iconic bird-call for the duration of the battle. This would cause anxiety to gradually overcome their opponents, the Kookaburras laugh eventually causing the Kea to enter an endless cycle of self-reflection as they ponder what’s so humorous about themselves.

It’s at this point where another specialised team would swoop through a security breach of the cafe. From here they’d begin transporting and distributing unholy amounts of caffeine throughout their frontline. Some would say that by this point the battle has already been won, thankfully Australians are huge fans of giving their neighbours the occasional mailboxing and would ensure this tussle lasted until the final Kea was slaughtered.

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Student Experience — Wheako Tauira

NEXUS MAGAZINE

rra vs 212 Kea Rooftop Terrain) 212 Kea - alex The physical advantages possessed by the kea are as formidable as the they are numerous. Talons for tearing at kookaburra throats, hooked beaks like can openers, impressive flight capabilities, endurance in the face of harsh conditions. The kea is more than equipped to outdo the kookaburra, and the home field advantage of a Treble Cone cafe rooftop pushes the scale beyond a shadow of a doubt in favour of the kea.

But the most valuable weapon in the kea arsenal is their intelligence.

Organisation is the key to victory in any military operation. The kea ability to collaborate with others of its kind places it in the unique position of being able to out-maneuver its enemy on the field of battle- not just physically, but strategically.

It is my expert opinion that the kea’s intelligence and proclivity for collaboration would lead them to establish, in the face of any animal fighting scenario, a military general staff akin to that of von Moltke the Elder, dedicated to the study of efficient and effective warfare.

The kookaburra will attempt a frontal assault, their limited strategic capacity almost guarantees this, their fiercely individualistic and territorial nature antithetical to any notion of teamwork. Raining down on the kea in an effort to break their centre like 289 feathery bullets, the kookaburras will be formidable in number and brute force, but lacking in tactical capacity.

The kea army groups, exercising their extensive knowledge of battlefield tactics and coordination, will mobilise their battle groups in response to the assault- some will take to the air, others will positions themselves towards the flanks of the enemy forces, and one brave and noble group will face the ‘burras head on, holding the line against the brutal but unfocused onslaught of beaks and claws.

Though no plan survives contact with the enemy, if all goes well the final moments of the battle should play out decisively in favour of the kea.

Once in position, the kea will envelop the kookaburras. Kea positioned on the flanks will harry the kookaburras where they are most vulnerable, those circling above will begin a tight series of dive attacks and bombing sorties, dropping trash, snowballs, and rocks upon their adversaries.

Talons will hew, hooked beaks will cleave flesh from bone, and the gutters of the cafe roof will overflow with the blood of the barbaric kookaburras that launched such a foolhardy assault on the home of the kea. ♦

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Columns — Maramara Kōrero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Auteur House Political Recommendations Richard Swainson

↑ T H E F O U N TA I N H E A D

2017’s election politicised the country to an extent not seen for many a year. Like the final, drawn test in the Lions series, its result tended to disappoint everyone. With the possible exception of Winston Peters.

How might we cure these post-election blues?

How about by renting a DVD from Auteur House?

Here’s a list of recommendations for supporters of each political party.

rugby head farmers, the type who would as soon burn Jacinda in effigy as poison the water table.

Two ticks National and full steam ahead!

ACT: The Fountainhead (1949) - based on an Ayn Rand novel of the same name, with a screenplay by the queen of Objectivism herself, this drama about an architect who would rather blow up his own buildings than compromise his vision looks stunning and is finely acted by Gary Cooper.

The star’s off-screen impregnation of leading lady Patricia Neal (later Mrs Roald Dahl) brings to mind the Hamilton youth of ACT party fuckwit John Banks, though Cooper was rather more successful when it came to compelling his lover to get an abortion.

The Labour Party: The Grapes of Wrath (1940) - John Steinbeck’s Great Depression novel gets the Hollywood treatment yet emerges more or less intact. Dispossessed farmers try to make it California for a better life and learn a thing or two about the pointy end of capitalism. Henry Fonda’s Tom Joad is admittedly more Andrew Little than Jacinda Ardern, but this one is a heart breaker.

↑ THE GROUND WE WON

The Māori Party: Mauri (1988) - all Pakeha are racist bastards in Merata Mita’s bitter but fascinating exercise in indigenous mysticism.

If the Māori Party had half the integrity of the filmmaker they never would have sold their people down the river by going into coalition with National.

↑ ERIN BROCKOVICH

The Green Party: Erin Brockovich (2000) - the inspirational true story of a “single mom” who brought down a polluting power company. Julia Roberts won an improbable Oscar, though isn’t half as hot as Chlöe Swarbrick.

The Opportunities Party: Kedi (2016) - recently screened in the Inter-national Film Festival, has there ever been a better movie about cats?

Gareth Morgan’s worst nightmare: an ode to street moggies and the crazy Turks who enable them.

New Zealand First: Young Winston (1972) enough said. ♦

The National Party: The Ground We Won (2015) - the best film ever made about rugby. The best film ever made about rural New Zealand. An aesthetically breathtaking documentary, starring 29

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Columns — Maramara Kōrero

Pass the AUX Playlist_17

↑ S U R F E R B LO O D

Jacqui Swney Well, this is the last Pass the AUX of the year. I hope everyone took something away from this column, even if it’s just the realisation of what music you actually hated and never knew until I told you to listen to it. Explore the good stuff, and keep it groovy, kids.

Say Yes To Me by Surfer Blood Surfer Blood found a lot of their success when lead singer, John Paul Pitts, met Pixies in a New Zealand airport. In 2009, their single ‘Swim’ made Pitchfork’s Top 100 songs of the year and the rest is history. ‘Say Yes To Me’, found on their 2013 album, Pythons, is an absolute tune. Their guitar is loose and pop-y, and the song hooks you immediately with its beachy sound. While the lyrics do get repetitive, there’s no doubt about the song’s affect on whatever part of the brain releases dopamine, because the second they start playing they let loose I’m hooked. 9/10 Unforgiving Girl (She’s Not A Single Version) by Car Seat Headrest There’s something about Car Seat Headrest that takes me back to my angsty pre-teen days. I didn’t listen to them back then, didn’t even know who they were. But their sound reminds me of a cross between Rainbow Kitten Surprise, The Strokes, with maybe a little bit of The Cribs thrown in there. The lead singer’s casual tone and conversational lyrics come together with well-crafted guitar riffs to make an unexpected anthem. Would definitely recommend a listen.

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Beautifully Unconventional by Wolf Alice Despite its seriously cliche title, Wolf Alice know how to create a quality album. In 2016, they were nominated for Best Rock Performance at the Grammys, just three years after the release of their first EP. Their music is typically quite grunge and a bit dark, and this an be seen in songs like ‘Silk’ and ‘Moaning Lisa Smile’. However, this song is more upbeat, and it’s easy to hear their classic rock influences. Lead singer, Ellie Rowsell, completes their sound, and remains a the typical indie front-woman, totally girl-crushable face to their music.

California by The Growlers This song holds a very special place in my heart. The Growlers have a very unique sound.

They’re laid back, simple, raw, and sincere in everything they put out. They have some very distinct western influence behind their undertones and the lead singer’s voice is raspy and soulful, almost like a male indie version of Amy Winehouse (if I dare say it). ‘California’ sings about, you guessed it, California, and the loyalty The Growlers have to their home state.

I’ve written about them before, but their entire collection of music is rated highly in my books.

Listen to it ALL. ♦

↑ LY K K E L I

↑ WOLF ALICE

↑ THE GROWLERS

Columns — Maramara Kōrero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Lonely Tarts Club Sex Work Part 2 Jennie-Louise Kendrick Previously, I talked about the historical origins of sex work and some of the good things that come from legal sex work. It’s not all plain sailing for those in the industry.

According to a 2006 Otago University study, 76 per cent of sex workers surveyed got into sex work because they needed money to pay for household expenses, and found the flexibility of working benefits more advantageous for child care arrangements.

For transgender and male sex workers, the survey revealed that nearly half of all street-based participants had no other source of income, and many identified sex work as an opportunity to explore their sexuality. The survey also revealed that transgender sex workers had difficulty finding other forms of employment because of discrimination. It also revealed that participants of Māori and Pacific heritage were more likely to have entered the industry before 18, and were also more likely to identify as transgender.

When Popsugar reporter Kate Read interviewed transgender and genderqueer sex workers in March, she wrote “my interviews within the larger sex work community reveal that trans sex workers are often the most vulnerable to violence, sexual violence, poverty, HIV, and drug use”. Read interviewed a sex worker called Billie, who identifies as genderqueer and works as a male escort and a trans woman. Billie told Read, “because I’m dealing with straight-identified men, there’s just so much riding on your femininity and your ‘realness’ that if ever that illusion is broken at any point, they freak out. There are some clients who don’t want to acknowledge

that they like trans ladies and somehow will connect that with being homosexual and they really internalize that”.

Hari Nef, American actress and model, said that she struggles dating as a trans woman because of the internalised homophobia of many straight men. “Trans porn is the number one fastest growing porn industry and the trans body has been being consumed in private in America for years by many people. But this is something very important and the core of violence against trans women: men don’t understand that their attraction to trans women is a valid attraction.”

Another source of stigma comes from TERFs and SWERFs; what I call “faux-feminists”.

A Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist is a person who claims that trans women aren’t truly women, whereas Sex Worker Exclusionary Radical Feminists endorse socially conservative attitudes to sex and sexuality, and don’t belong in the feminist movement. They don’t agree with the third wave of feminism that promotes intersectionality, like being anti-racism, body positive and challenging ableism.

Sex work is a huge industry, one that operates on the basis that people will pay for it and people will not admit to enjoying it. The stigma around sex work is perpetuated by outdated concepts of gender, sexuality and sex being a romantic, special thing. Sex work is a viable career option for some and should be viewed as a business pursuit, not a reason to persecute someone as a sexual deviant. ♦

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Columns — Maramara Kōrero

Yam and Troy the Science Boys Yeah Just Fuckin’ Crack On Yam and Troy the Science Boys Science and Engineering is more than a faculty, it’s a community. You’re in the midst of the busiest time of the year and right on the verge of exams, it’s about time someone slipped you a set of notes and a couple Ritalin. Sadly, neither of us have managed to get diagnosed with ADHD, but we have persevered through a seismic shitload of exams, we can’t cover everything but here’s a cheeky cheat sheet for some of those niggly first year papers.

BIOL101 →→ If this final test or exam has you stumped at any point just draw a big ol’ lipid bilayer, even if the question has blatantly nothing to do with membranes just slam one down regardless. Inside sources have confirmed there’s nothing Ian McDonald likes more than a crisp, well labeled bilayer. →→ Top grades come at a cost, you must be willing to make sacrifices. To fully understand the concept of photosynthesis you must first photosynthesize. Remove that pesky outer layer of skin and replace it with a variety of freshly harvested leaves, once the chlorophyll overruns your bloodstream it’s only a matter of time before you become truly autotrophic.

Alternatively just remember: CO2 + H2O -light-> C6H12O6 + O2 and you’ll be well on your way to at least a B+. →→ Mitochondria. Some would say they’re pretty cool, some would also say you should be able to draw one in detail. Others would say if this is too daunting it’s time to consider dropping into something like earth science.

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MATH101/102 →→ Yeah nah fuck good luck.

ENMP102 →→ If you can grasp the basic concept of plugging a couple numbers into an equation you’re probably gonna be OK. Everyone loves Rob and Rob loves everyone, he doesn’t want to make your life more difficult than it already is. →→ Tensile strength is destined to be a question in the exam. Don’t be a dumb fuck. Learn it.

Allow your mind to take the form of a cheap generic alloy, now elongate your mind, push the boundaries and embrace the sweet release of reaching peak tensile strength. Don’t stop here, push past your capabilities and begin the irreversible process of necking. It’s not long now till you reach the point of fracture. →→ Grab your keys and scratch the shit out of your car. Moisten the now unprotected metal and watch it slowly lose structural integrity.

Congratulations! Now you understand corrosion.

↑ M I TO C H O N D R I A

↑ CORROSION

MATH165 →→ Hopefully by now you’ve realised that the tests and exam for this paper are almost identical to those available from the previous year. All that changes is a few numbers in the questions. Obviously there’s a chance that this has all changed since I sat this paper, but then again there’s a big fucking chance that it’s exactly the same. Just go over both previous test scripts and last years exam.

Everything’s gonna be OK. ♦ ↑ P H OTO SY N T H E S I S

Columns — Maramara Kōrero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Opinionated Read a Book, Yo Jean Balchin When I was a child, virtually all forms of technology, save for a microwave, a fridge and a few lightbulbs were banned from my house.

Televisions and computers were urban legends we whispered about to each other when Mum and Dad weren’t in the same room as us. To this end, reading, running around outside and fighting were our only means of entertainment.

With time, I exhausted the fantasy section of my Dad’s library, re-reading the Harry Potter series until the spells echoed in my head. I would stroll around his study, pulling out dusty volumes of poetry and moth-eaten Bibles.

One day, I came across a rather thick volume titled Foxe’s Book of Martyrs. I gingerly opened the cover (booklice were abundant in our house) and flicked through the first few pages. First published in 1563 by John Day, this book is a lurid and fascinating account of the sufferings of the Protestants under the Catholic Church, with particular emphasis on England and Scotland.

Indeed, the subtitle, “A History of the Lives, Sufferings, and Triumphant Deaths of the Primitive Protestant Martyrs” hinted at the captivating stories wherein. And thus, my fascination with the history of religions was sparked.

Regardless of whether you consider yourself a religious person or not, it is an undeniable fact that humankind has long been engaged in activities which we now call religion — ceremonies, worship, prayer and rituals marking important life events. We have always grappled with these large, hairy questions — what is the meaning of life? What happens after we die? Why is there so much suffering in the world?

Different religions — Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism and Christianity to name a few — offer different, fascinating and often contradictory answers to these questions. So, in studying religions, we learn about humankind’s desire for understanding the universe. By examining the history of religion, we can also learn how different aspects of human life, such as politics, literature, law, art, science and economics have been shaped by religious notions of good and evil, right and wrong.

We live in an increasingly globalised world, and I believe we have an obligation to understand, interpret and appreciate other cultures and beliefs systems. No longer do we have to travel across the world to visit a mosque — we’ve got one down our road. It’s important that we are able to understand and respect other religious traditions and belief systems.

So, if you’re ever in need of something to alleviate the boredom, jump online and do a little reading about the history of religion. Even if you aren’t religious, you might enjoy reading about the fascinating history of religion, from Christianity to Islam to Germanic paganism. ♦

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Snapped — Atapaki

BEST OF SNAPPED.

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Snapped — Atapaki

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Yeah nah righto, you’ve been an absolutely feral lot this year. Here’s a our top 24 snaps of the year - congrats to all of y’all. Unfortunately we can’t dish out 24 Burgerfuel vouchers, but you lot get copious bragging rights in any case. Keep snapping nexusmag your shenanigans and antics over the summer break xx

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Blind Date — He aru makau

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Blind—

Brought to you by House on Hood Street.

Each week Nexus attempts to make a romantic connection.

If you're keen for a date on us, email editor@nexusmag.co.nz She’s a woman desperate for someone to satisfy her needs, he’s a spunky young man who can hopefully fulfil this ladies wildest dreams. Will this final Blind Date give us everything we’ve been waiting for? Or have the people of Hamilton moved passed the days of a simple uni fling.

He said: The flatmates seemed just as amped to go as me. We hop in the car and head to hood, fist pumping to ‘Big Booty Bitches’ and racing anyone at a traffic light, [*Editor’s Note: Nexus doesn’t condone sexist music or speeding] it was the start of a good night.

She was great, easy to talk to and definitely good-looking. We shared a pizza and spent the rest on drinks. Turns out we both enjoy snapchatting. Shout out to the bartender who was really cool and sorry I forgot your name.

The conversation was good and next thing, four hours later, we decided to move on. She reckoned she could probably drink more than me but after confessing to never have done tequila shots I had my doubts. It went pretty well from there. Had my first margherita at Tiger which was actually pretty nice, she kindly offered to pay for the drinks which no date has done before. The highlight was walking out and being chased down by the bartender at Tiger after forgetting to pay haha and then getting a free shot by mentioning we were on a Nexus blind date, howgoood. I shouted the next round at Shenanigans and we had some fun on the empty dance floor.

Long story short it was a good night. She’s a nice person and good kisser. I will admit that there was a cheeky spew on the way to me mates car which doesn’t necessarily prove anything.

Thanks Nexus for the fun night.

She said: Let’s set the scene. He rolled up in a grandad jumper, I rolled up in a cute as fuck jumpsuit with tits on full display. I never even caught him having a geez, honestly, I might as have worn a fucking turtle neck. He’s got a nice set of shoulders, but I can see why he’s still single.

I’d applied for this with the expectation of ending the night with a good dicking; I shaved absolutely everything for the occasion but sadly my date shared the same name as the fuckwit I had dated for four years. From this point I knew wouldn’t be spreading much more than the bar tab between us. We engaged in some awkward chit-chat for what felt like an eternity but thankfully our bartender picked up on the vibe and made sure to constantly pop over and break the ice.

As the tab ran dry we headed off to town, to my surprise he grabbed my hand to ensure my safety as we crossed the road. Maybe it was the Sambuca or maybe he was genuinely cute. The cuteness then ramped up after he asked if he could kiss me. Just as I thought I was going to give him a chance to get lucky, I felt a tongue slap my tonsils.

Thankfully an awkward dance in an empty Shenanigans helped remind me of tomorrow’s ‘early shift’. I decided to go with the easy out, kissed him goodbye and half heartedly promised a second date as my girthy bud drove to the rescue. He gave it a good go so props to him, maybe if he tidied up that sloppy lip work things could’ve gone a different way.

Date.

37

HOLIDAY-SCOPES Aries: March 21 — April 19 Destination Beach: Cool winds, fresh sand and a complete lack of textbooks await for you in the near future. Beware of nude swimming, whilst it may seem sexy in the movies jellyfish cock is not something you should ever have to explain to a flatmate.

Libra: September 23 — October 22 Destination Summer School: The few, the brave, the proud. Summer school is a weird mix of Hawaiian shirts and study. We don’t see much change in the stars for you but the minimal Bongo line will make it all worthwhile.

Taurus: April 20 — May 20 Destination Festival: Join the hordes at Bay Dreams or RnV. Whatever you do, just ensure to remain kind.

Sure for the most part DJs are wastes of livers who will never amount to anything and do at least five years as adults sleeping on someone’s couch but Jacinda did that horrible set once and she was almost Prime Minister.

Virgo: August 23 — September 22 Destination Minimum Wage: We see fries in your future. Lots and lots of them, but there is respect in an honest day’s work. Just be careful to leave the stress at the burger counter because you’ll be coming home to a pregnant flatmate in snow boots and a room that smells vaguely like it’s had a naked man masturbating in it.

Gemini: May 21 — June 20 Destination Snow: Snow holidays always look great but we see nothing but pain, misery and chafing in your future. Be careful not to expect romance either.

People that do often spend all their time waiting in a lodge only to get knocked up by a future absentee father named Chad. Also stay away from people named Chad… they are the last decades Braxton.

Sagittarius: November 22 — December 21 Destination Small Town: After two semesters of feeling like a small fish in a big pond there is no sensation more freeing than feeling like the grown up in a small town. They don’t even have a proper cafe or sushi scene there. Just remember your roots before running your mouth and stay away from girls named Sarah or Becky they are the small town female Chad.

Cancer: June 21 — July 22 Destination Paris: Ahh the lucky few of you going away on your big OE. Seize every moment, carpe the shit out of the diem and drink like there is no tomorrow.

Be careful not to expect romance either. People that do often spend all their time waiting at the Eiffel Tower only to get knocked up by a future absentee father named Le Chad.

Capricorn: December 22 — January 19 Destination Couples Vacation: You’re in love and you don’t care who knows it. Sure it was only meant to be a foam party f@#k but here you are eight months later.

What could possibly be wrong? You stay at theirs every other night so what difference is a backpackers in three cities and then meeting their parents? RIP Foam F@#K FEB 2017 - OCT 2017

Leo: July 21 — August 22 Destination Inn Keeper: You simple bastards. Your flatmates have gone away but desperate not to lose that Prime Hogan location you have agreed to stay on over summer, work in the four square and keep the home fires burning. Your dreams of having sex in every room of the house and walking around naked may turn out to be true but we assume it will all be alone.

Pisces: February 19 — March 20 Destination Graduation: It’s funny hat time. Graduation gown and parents film based camera in tow you aren’t leaving for the Summer you are gone for good. Adiós para siempre. The future actually starts now and it ain’t in the Tron. It’s a post grad in Vic, a year writing for Salient and an unbreakable self belief that the Bachelor of Arts is worth it.

Scorpio: October 23 — November 21 Destination Family Bach: King or Queen of your own domain, the family bach, particularly unoccupied holds all the promise of a new dawn and the familiarity of an old love (NB: A former lover, older lovers are notoriously unfamiliar).

Aquarius: January 20 — February 18 Destination Hamilton: Let’s hear it for the townie. No rent, no study no fucks given. Like Victoria Street you are likely to go through the Summer without signs of life or occupancy. It’s Jeremy Kyle time. We can’t tell if we are embarrassed or envious.

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THEME: Words that didn’t quite make the cut in this year’s wordfinds. You can guess what theme each one applies to.

Supreme x Louis Vuitton

Cobra

International Love

Carly Rae Jepsen

Reused Underwear

Standing in the Shower

Spiritual Experience

VGA Cords

Periglacial Blue

Pornographic Mag

The Zodiac Killer

Pantropical

Whitney Houston

Sign up now

Chick Hicks

Lemon Juicer

Geert Wilders

Parsnip

Yung Happy Boi

nasdiuasbdfAHA1!

Ranessa-Jamiye

Cubist Neck Tattoo

Dargaville

3WIU4I

Linden Leaves

Ascertain

Cashier

WOMSDFLF!?

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Puzzles — Panga

CROSSWORD 1

2

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4

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13

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Across 1. Vegetable (7) 5. Blandished (9) 9. Titled peer (5) 13. Remember (9) 14. Units of time (5) 15. Escapade (9) 16. The study of insects (10) 18. Ship’s steering device (4) 19. Cautious (7) 22. Entourage (7) 40

N.24 / V.49

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23. Lands surrounded by water (7) 24. Piece of furniture (5) 25. Rescued (5) 26. Mythical beast (7) 28. Olfactory organ (4) 29. Lets in (6) 31. Nipped (7) 33. Wrong (9) 35. Lower limit (7) 38. Skilful (5)

71

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39. Up-to-date (6) 40. Fraudulence (6) 42. Ringlets (5) 45. Not paid on time (7) 47. Inventions (9) 49. Memory loss (7) 50. Phsically strong (6) 52. Grain store (4) 54. Candidate (7) 55. Cake topping (5) 57. Freight (5)

58. Reproduction (7) 59. Patron (7) 61. Irritated (7) 62. Tight (4) 64. Cut (10) 67. Held sacred (9) 69. Hoard (5) 70. Pragmatic (9) 72. Dig (5) 73. Accumulated (9) 74. Superimposed (7)

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Puzzles — Panga

Down 1. Theft (7) 2. Implied (5) 3. Without bounds (9) 4. The night before (3) 5. Weariness (7) 6. Dull pain (4) 7. Cease-fire (5) 8. Similarity in appearance (11) 9. Month, in short (3) 10. Gained (9) 11. Equipoise (11)

12. Adolescents (9) 15. Dialects (7) 17. Lackadaisical (7) 20. Hazard (4) 21. Bills (8) 22. Income (7) 23. Disregard (6) 25. Female singing voice (7) 27. Insanely irresponsible (7) 30. Leave out (4) 32. Detested (5)

34. Perfidy (7) 36. Synthetic fabric (5) 37. Type of horse (7) 39. Security interest (4) 41. Tremendous (8) 43. Teller (7) 44. Part of a poem (6) 46. Abashed (11) 48. Conceited (11) 49. Wondrous (7) 50. Advocate (9)

51. Villain (9) 53. Hindered (7) 55. Immediately (9) 56. Quarry (4) 59. Exchanged (7) 60. Ignited (7) 63. Male relative (5) 65. Become liable to (5) 66. Dexterous (4) 68. Indicating maiden name (3) 71. Whole (3)

SUDOKU 7

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SIMPLE PUZZLES 4 SIMPLE PEOPLE

PIMPLE SUZYS 4 SIMPLE PEOPLE

Don’t spot any differences or you lose!

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41

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