Nexus 2018 Issue 03

READ US ONLINE: nexusmag.co.nz

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Page 1 Page 2 Page 4 Page 9 Page 11 Page 12 Page 14 Page 16 Page 18 Page 19 Page 20 Page 22 Page 26 Page 28

Editorial FOMO News Easy News Horoscopes Entertainment Reviews WSU State of the Union Yam & Troy the Science Boys

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Page 30 Page 32 Page 34 Page 35 Page 37 Page 39 Page 40

The Crowd Goes Mild Centrefold Feature: State of the Med School This vs. That Nexus Gets You Fit Full Exposure: MeloDownz Waikat’ Flats Pass the Aux Arts Blind Date Snapped Puzzles

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Nexus Issue 3, 12th - 16th March 2018 Editor: Lyam Buchanan, editor@nexusmag.co.nz Design: Vincent Owen, design@nexusmag.co.nz Managing Editor: James Raffan, james@nexusmag.co.nz Contributors: Alexander Nebesky, Grace Mitchell, Jennie-Louise Kendrick, Jamie Wololo Pentecost, Conor Maxwell, Nicola Smith, Candra Pullon, Jamie Foley, CJ Lee, Archie Porter, Kendrah Worsley, Troy Anderson, Cameron McRobie, Vincent Owen, Francesca Kurghan, Jacqui Swney, Peter Dornauf, and the tenants of The Brothel.

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Cover photography: Vincent Owen Instagram: @vincentowwen Centrefold: Yime de Santiago Instagram: @yimeisgreat Online: yimeisgreat.com Horoscope Illustrations: Josh Nelson Instagram: @joshprobably Twitter: @joshDrawbably

EDITORIAL EDITORIAL

Steamy Precautions As Blind Date gets steamy for the first time this year, it’s the perfect opportunity to not only apologise for ruining the excitement of reading it, but to also cover some of ins and outs of consent.

In theory, it’s simple: “Would you like to…” followed by either “Yeah, that’d be minto” or “Nah, not keen”.

Communication is key; though some people aren’t the best at communicating, which is why it goes hand in hand with respect. It’s all good and well telling someone you’re not keen, or being told someone else isn’t keen, but that decision needs to be taken into account. Trying to change their mind isn’t respectful, in the same way that personally being pressured doesn’t make you feel all that respected either.

Sadly I can’t provide you with a thesis on how to tell if someone is or isn’t keen, although I can cover a few guidelines to get the conversation started.

Poppin’ Out for a Meal

For relevancy, we’ll use our Blind Dates as an example. The main thing to remember is it’s meant to be enjoyable. It’s an excuse to not only get out of your comfort zone, but to score a free meal and potentially meet someone slightly interesting. There’s a tendency for it to get a little more complicated as the night progresses— though if you’re able to move past the awkwardness of constructive conversation, it’s easier than you’d think. As stated earlier, just hit them with the classic “Would you like to... ” then wait for the following “Yes” or “No”. If they’re apprehensive, assume they’re not interested.

The best part about dining out on a first date is the added safety net. If at any point you were to feel uncomfortable or unsafe, you’re only ever a few words with bar staff away from getting out safely and discreetly.

Halls of Residence

When you’re surrounded by hundreds of hormonal Freshers, it’s a given that people will make mistakes. These mistakes don’t need to be more than a series of light hearted anecdotes you’re eventually ripped out for at your 21st. The Halls are big on consent so if you’re currently a resident, you’ll hopefully be fairly familiar with the “Cuppa Tea” analogy. I’m sure we can simplify this a little further though.

• If someone is not able to consent, yet you still go for it, you’re a cunt.

• If you pretend to fall asleep in someone else’s bed as an attempt to sleep with them, same goes.

• If someone has not given consent so you try to pressure them into changing their mind, newsflash, the former still stands.

The list goes on but hopefully you get the idea. There should never be a point where you feel unsafe on campus, let alone in your own block. Just remember that if you ever need help out of an awkward situation, your RAs are always there to help.

I hate getting preachy but sometimes it’s necessary. Anyways, on a lighter note flick on over to page 37 and quench your thirst for the sexual deviancy of others. Rumor has it that next week gets even freakier.

– Lyam 1

Young Engineers Waikato Bowls and Brews | Friday 16th March | 6pm-9pm

Hamilton’s Young Engineers Group is holding their first event of the year! Come along for an evening of lawn bowls and yarns at the Hamilton Cossie Club. This is great chance to meet other young engineers from Hamilton and the Waikato, so bring your young engineering colleagues along too.

Price: Members $5, non-members $10 - a light supper will be provided and a cash bar will be available.

MONXX (UK) at Back Bar | Saturday 28th April | 10pm-3am

MONXX is a riddim specialist who first stepped on stage with Herobust at EDC in 2017, since then the industry has watched as his career has skyrocketed. Check him out at Back Bar for his first time in New Zealand on the Stay Wonky World Tour.

Climate Change: More than a Moment | Thursday 15th March | 7pm-8.30pm

Climate change was a hot topic in last year’s general election, so what is being done about it? Come down to this public event, hosted by Waikato Climate Change and Go Eco, to discuss the latest on Climate Change policy and action within Waikato, Aotearoa and the Pacific.

Spend one week in Bangkok

Registrations are now open for compassionate student leaders to join us at the University Scholars Leadership Symposium in Bangkok this year. For more information or to register, visit www.universityscholars.org.uk/.

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Employer visits on campus

This week we have visits from KPMG and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs & Trade.

Visit MyCareer for more information and to RSVP: waikato.ac.nz/students/careers/.

Studying late at night?

The Level 2 computer lab in the Student Centre is available to use 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You’ll need to get after-hours access enabled on your ID card - talk to the staff at the Level 2 Library Enquiries desk for more information and to collect an authorisation form.

Wanted: Faculty Sport Ambassadors

The UoW Sport Team are looking for one Faculty Sport Ambassador per Faculty to join the team for 2018 to assist with the Inter-Faculty Sport calendar. If you’re interested, please email uowsport@waikato.ac.nz by 15 March.

Brave Hearts exhibit on campus

Check out the Brave Hearts interactive exhibit inside the red shipping containers in Gate 1. Open every weekday from 12-1pm until 29 March, Brave Hearts celebrates the innovation, creativity and success of Kiwi medical pioneers and the bravery of their patients.

Keen to get involved?

Eco Emporium, the University’s sustainability space, is always looking for more volunteers. If you would like to volunteer, or want more information, please contact samantha.rose@waikato.ac.nz or visit facebook.com/EcoCampusWaikato/.

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“And THIS Time, We’ll Make Communism Work” ALEXANDER NEBESKY China could be on the brink of becoming a dictatorship again, according to University of Waikato Political Sciences Lecturer Dr Ruben Steff, and that may not be such a bad thing.

China’s ruling Communist Party under Xi Jinping, has put into motion plans to scrap term limits on the Presidency of that nation.

“Xi ‘owns’ China’s future fortunes and will make key decisions on China’s approach to international relations,” comments Dr. Steff.

This motion is expected to pass later this month when the National People’s Congress meets to vote on it. A congress that has been widely referred to as a ‘rubber stamp congress’; given its lockstep adherence to Xi’s plans.

“A trend towards greater oppression has been underway since Xi came to power, and while greater oppression in a dictatorship is always possible Xi, having now effectively made himself ‘President for life’, may actually feel more reassured and secure, and the level of oppression may stabilise rather than deepen”.

Once the amendment is passed, any and all issues will be the sole responsibility of Xi for at least the next 20 years, barring catastrophe or death.

Provided the economy continues to grow and China maintains its position as a growing superpower, Xi’s rule will be secure. However, as Dr. Steff is quick to point out, Xi’s leadership will involve a juggling act of a variety of issues facing China over the two coming decades.

This proposal would reverse the work of postMao leader, Deng Xiaoping, who in an attempt to prevent the recurrence of one-leader rule after the abuses of the Maoist era, enacted definite term limits on the office of President. Currently, presidents and vice-presidents are limited to two five-year terms, but with the organs of party and state firmly under Xi’s control, this will most assuredly change, allowing him to retain the presidency indefinitely.

President Xi has consolidated his power since being elected in 2013, having his own ideological 4

XI JINPING

conception for the future of China enshrined in the Communist Party constitution in late 2017 under the title “Xi Jinping Thought on Socialism with Chinese Characteristics for the New Era”. This amendment makes him only the second-ever Chinese President to have his ideology officially added to the CPC constitution while alive, after its founder, Mao Zedong.

Support for Xi is less pronounced in the coastal urban areas of China, where intellectual opposition to the move has been abundant. His main support has come from his crackdown of government corruption, a campaign that has seen over 100,000 individuals indicted for corruption. Widely touted as an effort to clean up the Chinese Communist Party, the campaign has also had the effect of shoring up unity within the party as well as consolidating it behind Xi. “Some believe this was basically a purge, not just of the corrupt but also of Xi’s political opponents, so he could have domestic enemies waiting for an opportunity to push back”.

Censorship

To further consolidate his grip on the nation, Xi has kicked censorship up a notch in recent months.

China is well-known for its “great firewall”, a wideranging and comprehensive series of censors on internet access. Famously, the country’s most popular site, Weibo, has blocked access to images relating to the famous 1989 Tiananmen Square protests against the government. In addition to the already impressive internet blocks, the CPC, after announcing the proposed change to the constitution, had to block images of Xi dressed as the last Emperor of China, as well as the English ‘n’—as in, Xi rules for ‘n’ terms.

Beyond social media censorship, Xi has also cracked down on anti-government demonstrations.

“Deliberately distorting the lyrics or music of the national anthem of the People’s Republic of China, singing the national anthem in a distorted or derogatory fashion, or insulting the national anthem in other ways”, according to a criminal law amendment from November of last year, could land one in prison for up to 3 years.

Indicative of Xi’s intent to rule absolutely is the fact that laws surrounding “disrespecting the national anthem” have been imposed on Hong Kong.

While the punishment is not as severe as in the rest of China, imposing such a law in Hong Kong, which has traditionally held greater protections of free speech, indicates a concerted effort by the CPC under Xi to bring all of China under strict rule.

“If you are an official member of the party, you know who butters your bread and that speaking out against your leader is probably not a path to career advancement. Thus far, it appears opposition to him has mainly taken place on social media and Chinese language sites outside China, which give non-elites and Chinese citizens outside of China a vehicle to express their views” says Dr Steff.

NZ’s Relationship With China

China’s relationship with New Zealand is likely to continue with China in a dominant position. According to Dr. Steff: “China’s influence in the Asia-Pacific will continue to grow and states like New Zealand will have to adjust and take China’s views into account on more and more issues. As it relates to trade, we have 5

an FTA with China, but China holds the cards. Thus far, is appears they have acted in good faith but there is little stopping them from asking to revise the FTA in their favour or even cancelling it in extremis were New Zealand to act in ways they found objectionable.

This has relevance for New Zealand’s views on China’s attempt to consolidate control in the South China Seas (an area where we officially disagree with China’s actions) and New Zealand’s close security ties to the US, which cannot be separated from New Zealand’s ties with China.”

Comparisons have been made between Xi and founder of Communist China, Mao Zedong, however Dr. Steff is unconvinced that similarities in position will manifest themselves as similarities of action on the world stage.

“I find it hard to believe that Xi would adopt a Mao policy of revolutionary resistance to the Western world and go on the offensive, given that the US is still by far the largest military power and China finds itself surrounded by US allies who are happy to trade with it but, on security issues, don’t trust China. However, there is a risk Xi could view Trump’s seeming ‘retreat’ from global leadership as an opportunity for China to go ‘all in’ by making a rapid bid for political-military supremacy in surrounding regions (such as Southeast Asia). Do expect China to continue to consolidate control over areas of the South China Sea, to contest Japanese sovereignty over the Diaoyu/Senkaku islands and to modernise its military”.

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Economy

China’s economy has been a central point of national pride thanks to continued growth, though there are concerns that all may not be as it seems.

“China’s economy looks fairly stable, but Xi is attempting to re-balance it away from reliance on exports to a more domestic consumer-based society, and there are lots of suspicions that China’s economy may be more unstable than it seems; given high levels of debt, the ‘shadow banking’ system, potentially dodgy official statistics and house prices.

“Presiding over all of this has inherent risks”.

JUSTICE IS BLIND, DRUNK AND DOWN TO FUCK: A SPECIAL INVESTIGATIVE REPORT ALEXANDER NEBESKY Following the Russell McVeagh scandal, there was an ominous feeling that the once-upstanding and honest legal profession couldn’t be disgraced further.

But as always seems to be the case, when it rains— it pours, and Otago and Auckland law camps had brought a deluge of shame down upon law students the nation over.

The week had started like any other. As the Chief Reporter and News Editor for Nexus, I sat at our 9AM production meeting with a small bottle of cheap gin.

We discussed China, North Korea and our lack of Medical Schools. Then it hit us. An event so nefarious it rocked me to my very core. Across my desk, heralded by the clack of typewriters and swaddled in a twist of cigarette smoke came the report of alcohol-fuelled sex parties for the Otago law students.

We had picked up the scent of a story.

These weren’t just the standard sex parties frequented by ne’er-do-wells of equal standing, in dark cinemas or the mansions of millionaires. No, these were parties featuring lewd and suggestive acts; talent contest performances that would turn the stomach of even the most iron-willed of us. In front of the Dean and other faculty members, second year students were reportedly being pressured by their superiors, forced to strip, judged and awarded points in varying states of inebriation and undress. These were sex camps on condom-filled islands and there was one for Auckland law students too— replete with the same peer pressure and drinking culture as its Southern counterpart.

Sensing a scoop, and with an unquenchable yearning for the truth sparking deep in my heart, I immediately called WULSA President Stephen Drysdale— who agreed to talk to me on the condition that I would leave his name and title out of this account. Drysdale suggested that, to his knowledge, there has never been any such party or camp taking place at Waikato. While he was aware that the WULSA Ball could be a little more energetic than a garden tea party, it was largely limited to academic discussions in

relation to grades, and swooning over Harvey Specter.

Oh, and organising a roster of students to talk to the VC about macroeconomics in developing third world nations. A real wild time, if you ask me.

Drysdale was honest. I respected that. I can tell a dishonest man by the tone of his voice, and I’d met a lot of them when McArthur had us deployed in the Pacific.

Satisfied that our moral character, as an institution of learning, was still intact, I moved onto other things. Unfortunately, there would be no respite, as no more than three-quarters of an hour later, across my desk floated yet another communique— this time alerting the newsroom to the latest development in this sordid tale of vice and villainy. Petitions had begun in Auckland and Otago to reinstate the sex camps. We were baffled. The moral decay of a culture in decline knows no bounds.

A good reporter doesn’t turn away when his stomach is churned by that which he never wants to see. A good reporter goes deep into the story and brings from the belly of the beast the truth. He holds it up in the light for all to see and he cries out at the top of his lungs “Isn’t it kind of rich that Otago and Auckland were bagging our med-school proposal and advocating for a national medical school without us, all the while dragging the good name of law students through the muck!” I stormed into the office of the most moral man I know, my Editor Lyam Buchanan. If anyone was to make a stand, push this story further, meet the threat head-on, it would be him.

Lyam had heard the cries from the outraged masses. The moment I saw him at his desk, I knew it.

This was where the story had lead me. In his eyes, there burned a righteous fire; he was a man who knew, like Drysdale before him, that the law students, the student body as a whole, could not be dragged through the filth by the same universities who had so pompously pointed their forked tongues in our direction in an effort to deflate our medical school dreams.

I slammed my fist on his desk and cried out: 7

“Goddammit, Yam! Student culture is rotting from the inside and these hypocrites have squandered their moral high ground! We have to do something!”

“I’m on it.” He said.

I knew it would be big. In all my years as a news reporter, I’d learned to spot when a story was about to explode.

And then it happened. After chasing this story for all of a day, it became apparent. Lyam had called a press conference. There would be blood.

Arriving at Guru Phabians promptly, I was not fully prepared for that which I was going to witness.

I muscled my way to the front of the press gallery, bustling as it was with junior reporters, sticky beaks, my rival Deputy Editor Grace Mitchell, and Managing Editor James Raffan who, due to a voodoo curse, cannot have his image displayed in video or flash photography.

Shortly after I had staked my claim to the frontmost position in the gallery, Nexus Editor Lyam Buchanan took his place behind the podium. And here I write that which I heard him say that day. A proposal delivered that assured the protection of law students everywhere, and a proud declaration that we would not be cowed.

“Today I want to talk about dreams” “I had a dream. We had a dream. The dream of a Med School where local Arts students could be retrained to be productive GPs.” “It’s something we feel in our hearts we need.

Unfortunately, thanks to the bullshit transgressions of some other Universities, we need to take immediate and unprecedented action to repel the tide of moral decay that has befallen the institute of law schools in New Zealand.

“I am calling on the magazines of Craccum and Critic, and whatever University associates with them, to immediately dismantle your law schools. They have become temples to false idols and must be cleansed.”

“In its place, we are proposing the Owen Glenn

National Academy of Law. To be housed right here in the Waikato as the pre-eminent centre of excellence in legal training.

“Unfortunately, for one flower to grow tall, the other must wilt in the shade. Thus, I am proposing that should we progress with this plan, Waikato University should immediately and without reservation halt progress on the Medical School. It has become clear to us that Auckland and Otago are in much greater need of STI-curing $3 penicillin shots injected by a second year trainee doctor. “ It was then that Lyam revealed intricate and comprehensive hand-drawn plans for the law school featuring a family-friendly campground, places to do “legal shit”, and a statue for “Harvey and Mike from Suits.” It was an inspiration tour de force, and a proposal that all could support.

No man truly knows what the future holds. I realised in that moment that Lyam was right. All good journalists must one day reconcile with the themselves that the stories they follow may, in truth, lead down to the centre of every man’s heart. This is one such story, a story of exploitation— of debauchery; a story etched onto the hearts of the downtrodden and exploited as equally as it is etched onto the hearts of those who would stand up for them.

Lyam’s proposal is one that must be chased to its conclusion. It is part of a story that must be dragged into the open; a story that all decent folks ought to take interest in. Those who would rally to oppose our medical school have proven themselves to be in an unholy alliance bonded by sex magick.

They have brought shame on their law faculties and relinquished their right to criticise. It is time for us to join together and consolidate the future of the Owen Glenn National Academy of Law. If you would like to watch Lyam’s press conference and sign the petition, check it out on Nexus online.

Otherwise, sign and cut out your petition slip and drop it into the Nexus office.

Petition: The University of Waikato should establish a National Academy of Law in order to repel the moral decay that has befallen the current New Zealand institutes of law, a direct result of the disgraceful actions of both Auckland and Otago.

NAME: 8

SIGNED:

(News in Numbers)

• 3,000 delectable ham and coleslaw buns were handed out in the Safety Zone during O’Week.

• 80 McDonald’s Georgie Pies were demolished within 10 minutes during the Maccas Meat Pie Mile.

• 1,500 snags were demolished by pre-town punters.

• 6,000 fresh faces were transported to and from town throughout the festivities of O’Week.

• ~8 eggs were thrown at the Senior Deputy Vice Chancellor, Alistair Jones, in what’s being referred to as the world’s ‘most passive drive-by’.

• 1,800 sausages were lovingly consumed on the Village Green during the three days of Ori’18.

Samsung Galaxy S9 RRP $1600

Why should you buy this?

• Freeze frame • Slow-motion recording • It comes in the colour lilac • Unlike previous Samsungs, this one won’t explode as much Why shouldn’t you buy this?

• Because media, television and peer pressure have got you thinking that you must make an effort to own the newest, latest version of a phone that is just a slightly cooler Samsung Galaxy S5. Your decision to purchase, or not, will undoubtedly have very little impact on a company with high profit margins and low regard for workers rights.

• A new speed camera in Rhode Island has clocked 12,000 tickets within 33 days, resulting in hordes of disgruntled drivers attempting to dispute their infringements.

• Overland Footwear named New Zealand’s ‘Best Workplace’ after recent IBM awards, receiving credit for their great culture, values and committed workforce.

• New Plymouth man dumps cat in the street after being refused entry into nightclub with it. The frazzled feline was left to fend for itself amongst Taranaki nightlife.

• After 718 incident reports related to drones, the agencies responsible for monitoring their use promote the key message “don’t be creepy” as a basis for operating the aircrafts legally.

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Coming Soon

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Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) As a water sign, emotional revelations come with ease; though you’re worryingly shit at accepting what they bring to light. Learn to accept critique, they’re only trying to help.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22) As someone born under the loving gaze of Venus, you’re inherently desirable; however, only from afar. People want to want you, though it looks like nobody wants you enough.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) If you’re checking this for further affirmation of your “fiery nature”, we’re sincerely sorry, hun. Maybe if you weren’t so obsessed with hitting over 100 Insta likes, you’d be a little more feisty.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22) Although your ability to handle intoxication is laughable, you should stop drinking anytime soon. Not only do you keep a night lively, but you’ll forever be the example of “how not to handle alcohol”.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20) You may be starting to wonder if your sweat glands are overactive as we enter the third month of the year. Don’t worry, bud; an increased rate of solar absorption through your birth moon Lapetus will ensure you remain moderately moist for the duration of 2018.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) You’ve been getting hints for a while now that the hunky honey at Caltex wants to do more than get you from A to B, but we can now confirm that talk of “filling you up” was no euphemism.

You’re just thirsty as fuck.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) It’s been six months and you still can’t let go. Just remember they emotionally checked out of your relationship three months prior, and moved on physically two weeks before you even broke up.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22) The thought of them may leave you crippled, but to them there is no thought of you. You’re no wallflower; you’re just a failed cliche with the inability to move beyond your teenage insecurities.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) A celestial murmur leaves you anxious.

If you had better ear-cleaning practices, you may have actually been able to comprehend its wisdom - oh well. It’s advised to peruse the depths of your ear canal with cotton immediately.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) With Saturn in your orbit you’ll struggle to fit within a social hierarchy. Class clown may have worked in high school but here everyone wishes you’d hurry up and drop out.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Good tidings are headed your way. Congratulations young Capricorn, the genitalia you once inscribed on a toilet door has and will forever remain as a indicator of how skux you truly are.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) All that time you’ve wasted thinking about your assignments should have be utilised developing the raw indie EP residing within. It’s time to enter your Dungarees and purchase the cheapest possible pouch of tobacco.

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Crush of the Week: Stormi

What’s Hot:

She may only be a month out of the womb, but no doubt about it, Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott’s new addition is a babe.

Her smize and advertorial-worthy skin – plus a name that’s literally trademarked – must have model agencies knocking already. This sweet, innocent young thing is going to grow up in the lap of absolute luxury with some serious cash, and the lucky bub doesn’t even know it yet. She’s got to be our Crush of the Week because any kid with parentage that fly has automatically cloked life.

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Studylink payments

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Using ‘no u’ as a comeback after being roasted

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The legal buzz provided by caffeine

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Poppin’ over to Mozambique to teach kids English

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Not being able to find a carpark at uni

Clickbait Moodboard:

What’s Not:

Theme: When you aren’t getting enough attention on Tinder.

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Instagram stories to tell everyone you posted a new pic

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Losing your car keys at uni

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Not getting Studylink payments

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Trying to get an appointment at Student Health

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Not changing your degree

TOP 10:

Reasons you shouldn’t call noise control on your neighbours Sociopath Enters Water Without Testing Temperature First

“I just don’t understand, they didn’t even dip a toe”. Bystanders were left shocked after an individual showed complete disregard for the water’s thermal qualities. Witnesses are now being offered counselling to deal with the psychological impact of this incident.

First-Year Unable to Comprehend Why Nobody Is Keen for ‘Kickons’

18 year old Douglas continues to make the most of his university experience. We spoke to a close friend who shared: “Someone needs to sit him down and tell him that O’Week is over”.

Management Student Chuckles at Idea of Forcing Low Socioeconomic Fast Food Workers Into Obsolescence

“Minimum wage slaves get sick; they don’t turn up; they make mistakes.” Trust fund child shares their thoughts on the moral dilemma between the automation of the workforce and the wellbeing of low wage humanoids.

It’s natural for your patience to run thin.

Sometimes you’re just not in the mood to listen to the enjoyment of others. Maybe you’ve got a big day tomorrow, or you just wanted an early night.

Either way, it’s better to just hold your tongue; who are you to stand in the way of someone else having a good night?

1.

Jealousy is a cruel beast. It’s time to swallow your pride. You may not have been invited, but it’s probably for good reason.

2. Just because you’re not enjoying your night, doesn’t mean others can’t. Just relax, reminisce of the times when you used to smile, when you looked forward to each and every day.

3. Do you really want to be that person? Imagine how they’ll feel receiving an angry knock on the door in the midst of their favourite tune.

That’d be your fault.

4. Why call noise control when you could anonymously heckle them from your window? They may not hear you, but your other neighbours will realise you’re truly not someone to be messed with.

5. Wouldn’t you be better off just challenging them to a charity boxing night? Not only do you get to raise funds for those in need, but you’ll recieve a much need jaw realignment.

6. Don’t worry, someone else is bound to call.

Just like someone was bound to call the police in Kew Gardens, New York City, March 13th 1964.

7. Think of all the times you’ve brought aural pain to neighbouring residents. Be patient, show them the same courtesy.

8. Pop over and join in. Yeah your ex might be there, and things are still kinda weird, but what’s the worst that could happen?

9. They might just be second year law students from Auckland or Otago partaking in various activities forced upon them through peer pressure. It’s just harmless fun though right???

10. Fuck it, call them.

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Book

Album

‘THE FIG EATER’ – JODY SHIELDS REVIEW: JENNIE-LOUISE KENDRICK

‘EPHORIZE’ – CUPCAKKE REVIEW: JAMIE FOLEY

Set in pre-WW1 Vienna, The Fig Eater is a heady blend of Austro-Hungarian folklore, early forensic pathology and a frustratingly-obtuse collection of aristocrats. Jody Shields’ protagonist, the Chief Inspector, is never named and hard to pin down to a visual characterization. His wife, as a secondary protagonist, is even harder to dissect.

The couple sets about their own separate investigations of the murder of a young bürger woman named Dora; a mystery exacerbated by the fresh figs found in the girl’s stomach, the discovery of illicit interfamilial affairs and a terrifyingly-curt illustration of early tuberculosis and syphilis treatment. The impending knowledge of what is to come following the death of Franz Ferdinand, the atmosphere of the modernist movement and the introduction of technology is captured by Shields; as a unsettling and hauntingly romantic setting for murder.

While Shields’ writing is both strangely erotic and exasperating, the ending is disappointing for any true crime buff or hopeful reader. Despite this, the journey of the text is enjoyable for anyone ready for Shields’ writing to carry them off on an elaborate misadventure filled with secrets, outdated practices of the time, uncomfortable Freudian sexuality, and intense Carpathian witchcraft.

The artist behind such hits as ‘Vagina’, ‘Juicy Coochie’, ‘Best Dick Sucker’, and of course, everyone’s favourite ‘Deepthroat’ is back with her third studio album Ephorize. This is the sort of shit where you have to set your Spotify session to “private” before listening. The first track ‘2 Minutes’ (a bold faced lie as the song is 3 minutes and 13 seconds) hits you with the same cheesy wholeheartedness that you might find in a Macklemore song.

Cupcakke lays out the foundation for her deeper songs, that crop up half way through the album (‘Exit’, ‘Self-Interview’), with references to her own insecurities and struggles as artist. ‘Cartoons’ follows, packed with all that Sunday morning goodness over a traditional drill beat. Needless to say, it’s a banger.

In general, the production quality on Ephorize is astounding. The album is chock-a-block with phat 808 sub-bass, rolling high hats and flute melodies— ‘Navel’ has Migos written all over it. This is music that is meant to be played loud, that is, if you can overcome the embarrassment that comes with a lot of the lyrical content. I’m looking at you ‘Duck Duck Goose’ and ‘Spoiled Milk Titties’.

Special shout out to the line that references touching booty hair and Solange.

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Album

EP

‘CYBERSEX’ – BLACKBEAR REVIEW: CJ LEE

‘A DEEPER SEA’ – EVERYTHING EVERYTHING REVIEW: ARCHIE PORTER

Hide your moms and girlfriends (with their consent, of course) because this week, we will be looking at the R’n’B bad boy and heartthrob Blackbear, and his new album Cybersex.

“Well how much of a bad boy is he?” you may ask. This is an artist with a music video on PornHub ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) – ‘Playboy Shit’ feat. Lil Aaron.

Blackbear is, without a doubt, one of the best vocalists - smooth as butter; Bear’s vocals can do no wrong. Despite being a new name to some, he has been in the music industry for a while now, working in the background for a lot of major artists like Nick Jonas, Linkin Park and G-Eazy. Most notably, Blackbear was one of the co-writers for Justin Bieber’s 2012 hit ‘Boyfriend’.

Cybersex features a range of legends such as 2 Chainz, Machine Gun Kelly, Ne-Yo and T-Pain. In my opinion, Cybersex is an album that demonstrates how versatile Blackbear is as an artist. The album has trap hits to get lit to, songs to get you thinking about your ex, songs that stop you from thinking about your ex, and much, much more. Personally, I tend to gravitate towards artists that write honestly about their feelings. I guess that’s why I click with Blackbear.

Definitely go check out his other albums and also, Mansionz, a duo consisting of Blackbear and Mike Posner. Yes, ‘Cooler Than Me’ Mike Posner.

In preparation for their largest UK tour to date, Everything Everything have released a brand-new EP, aptly titled A Deeper Sea. Consisting of two new tracks, a remix, and a cover of Neil Young’s ‘Don’t Let It Bring You Down’, the songwriting on this EP tackles serious contemporary issues without sacrificing the music itself.

When discussing the opening song ‘The Mariana’, lead-singer Jonathan Higgs stated, “It’s about male identity and suicide and the current crisis there is, whether you believe it or not, with being male… There’s a line about drifting down into the dark sea and falling into the barrier and the [Mariana] trench. It’s another way to talk about all of these things like depression.”

Sonically, the track is gorgeous; a subaquatic odyssey rife with lush soundscapes and haunting vocals.

Despite the song’s lyrical and musical heaviness, it remains hopeful and transitions brilliantly into the next track, ‘Breadwinner’. This is another excellent offering, boasting more immediacy than the opener and a far angrier tone; taking jabs at the current state of Western civilization, the overabundance of technology and ridiculous conspiracy theories.

The remix slows things down a notch. Tom Vek contributes his rendition of ‘Ivory Tower’ (released on A Fever Dream), but the song lacks the intensity and energy of its original version. The fourth and final track, while not as strong as the first two, demonstrates the band’s diversity and sheer musicianship through their transformation of a Neil Young classic. Overall, if you’re a fan of the band, A Deeper Sea is well worth your time.

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So O-Week is officially done and dusted, and what a success that was! Thank you to everyone who came along and participated on one, or some, of the many activities on campus. Congratulations to all the prize winners. We gave away tons of awesome prizes over the week; whether it was a trip overseas, a carpark, an xbox or one of the million fidget spinners, drinks bottles or Nexus branded paraphernalia, everyone was a winner!

Something you might be wondering, now that the banger is over – is what WSU will be doing for the rest of the year. Here are some of our plans for the rest of 2018:

The Hub 2.0

Last year, we tried to do a big thing. We wanted to launch a system that was the first of its kind in the country. The Hub would not only make your lives easier but it would manage our clubs and roopu; from creation to grant application, create bookings for our spaces and resources, and create a way you can find a flat or a job. We didn’t do it as well as we wanted and the result was a little confusing and hard to navigate. But, in the next week, we are relaunching The Hub and it will look better than ever! Come check it out: www.wsu.org.nz

Health Week

Coming up in Week Four, we are hoping to have our first ever annual Health Week. There will be a bunch of medical and health professionals on campus and some health-related activities for you to take part in. It’s important to keep your health in tip-top shape while you’re studying so you can keep your grades up and maintain a healthy social life as well. This will also be the launch of our Korero campaign focused on student mental health on and off campus.

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Reo Tauira

You may have heard of this one. It’s the name we gave to our consultation network where we get a bunch of students in a room and ask them for their opinion on things around campus. This is a really important part of what WSU does. The voice of Reo Tauira is the voice that we take to the Uni. I definitely encourage you to come along and chat with us. Plus we feed you and have some sweet giveaways for coming along too. Why not come along?

Conversation Stations

Each Wednesday, there will be a Conversation Station set up near Level Zero. A couple of the Directors will be there so come and say hello; they want to get to know you (and they’re good people for you to know too).

Free food

I don’t think I need to explain this one. We have free food and we know you want it; breakfasts, lunches, afternoon snacks. Feeding yourself while you’re a student can get expensive so we want to help.

Keep an eye out for yellow tees and the BBQ!

Games and Activities

One of our biggest objectives this year is to make our campus more attractive and interactive. We want to hang out with you and fill in those gaps you have between class. Every second week during cultural hour, the Board will be down on The Green with an activity for you to join in on. The activities will vary: cata-pong, cricket, shooting hoops or drinks on couches. Make sure you swing by!

We’ll keep you up-to-date on our plans as the year goes along.

The more you get to know us and the more involved you become, the better your uni experience will be!

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Everybody Say “Gonorrhea”!

TROY ANDERSON I’m sure everyone is aware that super viruses and superbugs are a thing, and for those don’t, I’m awfully sorry you had to find out about it in this publication.

Various laboratories throughout the world have been developing the unholiest of invisible nasties in the hopes of researching ways to combat such an abomination should one ever arise naturally, or escape their institutions. With that being said, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s already happened.

It turns out that gonorrhea is the newest superbug climbing through the ranks of unkillable. That’s right, dear reader, super gonorrhea is now a thing. This crotch bug is officially titled Neisseria Gonorrhea and is becoming increasingly resistant to modern antibiotics, so if you have it, you’re pretty much fucked. It’s not something you’ll be clapping about.

This new antibiotic-resistant infection has seen a huge number of cases in France, Spain and Japan. According to Men’s Health, it was discovered when a particularly healthy young buck, let’s call him Ryan, went to a clinic after experiencing some less-than-desirable symptoms in the penis area. This young man, who wasn’t smashing left, right and centre, ended up with gonorrhea. The key difference between typical gonorrhea and what Ryan had was that it refused to die three times, before it was finally killed by a 500mg jab of ceftriaxone (along with a second unnamed antibiotic) straight to the left ass cheek. This reportedly left him dizzy and nauseated, and the researchers studying his strain of gonorrhea 18

figuratively shitting in their pants.

The problem with this strain is that it can be readily transferred from genitals to mouth, and vice versa. Particularly problematic is when symptoms don’t arise, so you may not even realise you have caught it, or passed it on. So you could be infected, or do some infecting, well before you know it’s even there; and by then, it’s well too late my friends. Every time this infection is attacked with antibiotics and it survives, it has just developed yet another immunity.

I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you, but for those that are uninformed, gonorrhea is fucking dumb. It can cause any and all of the following: yellow discharge from the penis or vagina, painful pissing, more frequent need to expel urine, pain in the testes for the dudes, and heavier periods for the ladies. There is also some nasty shit about it spreading to spinal and cranial fluid, which, not being a medical doctor, I couldn’t speculate on, but it doesn’t sound all that good.

So, what can you do? Well, it’s pretty simple - a bit of the classic old “don’t be silly, wrap your willy”, and a good ol’ throat swab at the doctor just to be sure you’re not absolutely fucked. Stay clean dear readers, let’s nip this thing in its various buds while we can.

Sheep Shearing, New Zealand’s Baaa-d Reputation CAMERON MCROBIE Sheep. They’re the punchline of many a joke directed at us humble, primary industry-loving Kiwis from our green and gold neighbours. Considering the local population of the woolly fuckers peaked at over 70 million in 1982, it can be a forgiven misunderstanding that occasionally we slip in the shearing shed and end up in compromising positions. Naturally, with the sheer amount of wool produced by each of these creatures resembling a five-year-olds scribble of a cat, shearing became routine for any rural New Zealander that owned a black singlet and stubbies, and wore gum boots to black tie events. Being the out of touch, bumpkin nation of tall poppy haters that we are, we became locally competitive between shearers, likely to determine who’d get Sharon the Checkout Lass at the local Four Square’s hand in marriage. This naturally helped produce some of the deftest and nimble sheep shearing athletes on the world stage today - the crème de la Cromwell, if you will.

Shearing is not terribly popular internationally - a record 29 countries competed at the 2008 world championships. Some of said nations include big boys - the UK, Ireland, South Africa, as well as our lovely Australian neighbours.

Sheep shearing as a sport today, though likely not as prized or valued

by some of the more affluent nations (i.e. ones that are good at football) has provided bragging rights as well as umpteen world records I like to believe ol’ Billy English kept in a special cabinet in the PM’s office during his short term. Bill’s own background in shearing in the Deep South lead to a special celeb match with washed-up legend Sir David Fagan – which Billy won. Well done, Bill. Surprising considering Fagan has some serious hardware to his name. Hailing from what is known as the shearing capital of New Zealand, Te Kuiti, Sir David has won the NZ champs ‘‘Golden Shears” 16 times, as well as set 10 world records, won five individual and six team world titles - making him New Zealand’s most decorated shearer ever. Bloody good work, Davo. If you hadn’t already picked up on it, he was also knighted for his services to shearing. Bloody good work, Sir Davo.

This year, the Golden Shears were held March 1-3 in Masterton. Some bloke named Rowland Smith from Hastings won the open shearing final with his competition coming from as far and wide as (the Republic of) Whangamomona and Halcombe (fuck knows where that is). Providing entertainment for hicks and yokels alike, I’d be pulling the wool over your eyes to say I’m upset to have missed this year’s event.

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LYAM BUCHANAN & GRACE MITCHELL

The proposed Waikato Medical School seems even further away from becoming a reality following the withdrawal of Sir Owen Glenn’s $4.5 million dollar pledge. Glenn’s move is seen as a political one due to the growing sense that the Labour Government does not see the medical school as a priority. Health Minister David Clark recently stated in parliament that Labour was still exploring proposals for a third medical school, however refused to elaborate further on the matter.

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When pressed during Question Time over the likelihood of a rural medical school, Clarke stated “It is not in the public interest to explore, in this House, the proposals currently under consideration,” Sir Owen Glenn has expressed his intention to instead place these funds towards cancer research with MD Andersen Clinic of Houston in conjunction with the Auckland Medical School and Australian liver cancer specialists citing that he was “very disappointed with the news that Labour had discounted the proposal”.

“This is both short-sighted and political,” Sir Owen wrote.

“Until the NZ voter holds those elected to serve the community, and not their own re-election interests, nothing will change.”

Despite this, Vice-Chancellor Neil Quigley recently told Stuff he remains confident this withdrawal is simply an “expression of frustration”, believing the original pledge will be honored if the Government gives the go ahead.

We sat down with Quigley to get his views on the current state of the proposed medical school.

NEXUS: How confident are you that this pledge from Sir Owen Glenn “still stands”?

NQ: I think that part of the purpose of his sending the email was to try to put pressure on the politicians to make a decision, and I think that if they don’t relatively soon, then probably we have lost that money.

But, I think it’s important that we put that in context, and you go back to last year this time when Sir Owen announced his pledge, the importance of that at the time was as much about the public support that he provided to this and the publicity we got from that as it was the money. It was just a critical time in the development of the case, and when his willingness to put a big amount of money on the table and go public with a statement of support was really important.

Of course, we continue to get the benefits of that, and I think it’s also important the people understand that what he’s done, he’s withdrawn and if there’s no decision really soon, he will certainly withdraw his commitment to giving us the remaining 4.5 million, but he has already given us $500,000 dollars in cash, and agreed that we can use that to cover the expenses that we’ve incurred in developing the business case really, and the ongoing costs of the development of it, so that’s actually a huge contribution in itself, because as you’ll be aware, not everybody around the university is necessarily supportive of the idea of this pursuing the medical school proposal, so it’s really

good for me to be able to assure them that actually, apart from my time and some other people’s’ time, we haven’t actually spent any university money doing that, that actually it’s all been covered by Sir Owen’s money. There’s no sense in which I have to take money out of Arts and Social Science to fund the medical school bid, because Sir Owen’s done that for us. I think even with the withdrawal of that money, Sir Owen’s a sort of hero, really, for having given us that support and giving us that much money, so I’m very satisfied with that. I think if we do start to make traction again with the Government and the proposal, then there will be other people who want to provide financial support for us, so all’s not lost.

NEXUS: So there’s no update to whether or not the med school will actually happen?

NQ: No. But the thing to bear in mind though, is there will be a third medical school in New Zealand some time— the only question is when. Auckland and Otago have a different view for their own reasons, but a lot of people think we need one sooner rather than later because even if we said ‘let’s get started now’, there’s probably a three year set up time before we take any students, four years in the degree, another three years postgraduate training – it is literally ten years before we’d have fully qualified doctors in the system as a result of the third medical school. The lead times on these things are long, which means if you think you probably need one, that’s the time to do it, not until you desperately need one and then have to wait ten years for the output. It is an idea whose time will come, and I think the key thing is just that we’ve sort of positioned ourselves with the ideas and the alliance with the DHB so whether it happens quickly or whether it happens in a few years’ time, it’s not probably so critical as the fact that we’ve positioned ourselves as the University to be in the right place when it happens.

NEXUS: Knowing the reasons why Sir Owen has removed his pledge is the remainder of the financial backing for the project still looking stable?

NQ: Well, I mean a lot of the rest of the financial backing we needed was going to come from government, so that’s why it’s a process that’s run by the Government. If the Government said there was going to be a third medical school, then we would be able to raise a lot of money but still the majority of it is going to have to come from Government.

NEXUS: Do you have any suspicions as to why David Clarke is refusing to elaborate on Labour 23

exploring third options?

NQ: No, I don’t know why that is; I think that’s an unusual approach to take. You remember when we were developing our proposal, we went public with it – I actually went to both the Auckland and Otago Deans and told them what we were working on before we went into the public domain with it. They haven’t shown us the same courtesy of letting us know what they’re up to, but yeah so I don’t know actually, but I think the point that Owen is making in his email about this very interesting challenge we have in our political system when politicians need to get elected in local constituencies but they have to balance the challenge of doing what’s best for the country in a big national portfolio like health, and their local electorate is one that might be negatively affected by a decision they need to make, so that’s a challenging thing for politicians to have to deal with. I think Owen is certainly right – it’s an interesting aspect of our political system, that tension that politicians face being local representatives, but then when they’re cabinet ministers, having to deal with the national portfolio.

The Pitch for a National School of Rural Health

Pressure from established medical schools in Otago and Auckland have led some to speculate that the Government could refuse the Waikato pitch in favour of the status quo.

While David Bennett maintains that it would be a tragedy for the Waikato bid to fail under this Government, it is worth noting that (then) Minister of Health Jonathan Coleman could have accepted Waikato’s proposal, but instead created a review process involving Waikato, Otago and Auckland.

NEXUS: Along with Sir Owens withdrawal, Stuff brought up the opposing pitch from Auckland and Otago for the National Rural School of Medicine. Do you believe this would be more beneficial than the Waikato proposal?

NQ: The health workforce has a number of problems at the moment, but probably the two big ones are we are not training enough doctors to meet our health workforce needs overall, so we’re training about 200 doctors a year less than we need to add to the workforce every year, that’s why we import so many foreign doctors, and that’s been going on for a long period of time, and it obviously will continue at the moment because population increase, natural 24

increase, plus immigration plus the aging population is all headed in the direction of needing more doctors quite quickly, and we’re just not adding medical student places at a rate that’s consistent with that.

We have an absolute shortage of doctors, and then we have a shortage of people who want to have general practice or general medicine, some other specialties that are in really short supply, psychiatry is also one where the vast majority of our new doctors are imported from overseas rather than local graduates.

What Auckland and Otago are proposing is more of their students will specialise in general practice and want to practise in areas outside the main centres, but of course even assuming they’re successful with that, that doesn’t address the overall shortage problem we have. What it means is, if more of their students choose general practice as a specialty, then we just have to import more orthopaedic surgeons and gynaecologists etc.

In my view, as I understand it, the best that Otago and Auckland can achieve is to shift the health workforce outcomes more towards the areas of critical shortage in New Zealand, but it’s actually not addressing the overall problem that we’re just not training nearly enough doctors to meet our needs. I think part of the support for what we’ve talked about comes from the families of students who would’ve liked to get into medicine, and almost made it but didn’t make the cut, because if we know we need an extra 200 doctors a year, then what that means is 200 New Zealand students every year who wanted to do medicine have been told they can’t only so that we can turn around and five years later import foreigntrained doctors to fill the space. Partly I think this is about all those families and New Zealand students who wanted to do medicine and didn’t have the opportunity, even though there’s jobs for them at the end, which is crazy.

Opposing Point of View We asked (acting) University of Auckland Media and Communications Manager Lisa Finucane, why a national school of rural health would be more beneficial to the future of New Zealand Healthcare than the current Waikato proposal. She has since clarified that “planning for national rural health education pre-dated the Waikato Medical School proposal” and stated, “it was not a response to the Waikato proposal.

“We developed the National School of Rural Health proposal with the University of Otago, AUT, the Royal College of GPs, and the Rural GP network.

The Minister of Health is aware of this proposal and we await his advice on how the Government sees the issue of rural health provision and how we may assist.”

This was a view shared by Senior Communications Adviser of the University of Otago Liane TophamKindley. She responded “recruiting and supporting health professionals in rural communities is a matter of considerable national importance. The collaborative National School of Rural Health Proposal involves, amongst others, the Royal New Zealand College of General Practitioners, the New Zealand Rural General Practice Network, the universities of Auckland and Otago, and AUT. The proposal focuses on all aspects of the rural health workforce—nursing, physiotherapy, dentistry, medicine etc—and aims to create and nurture rural training hubs in rural communities in partnership with those communities.

The Waikato proposal focuses on producing more medical graduates based in a medical school in a major urban centre.

“Ultimately, it is for the Government to decide which proposal will be more beneficial”.

So for now at least we have no clear direction from the Government and at least one funder with cold feet. We will keep you updated as the story develops. Meanwhile, for you budding med-school hopefuls, plan for a graduation in approximately 2032.

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A Good ol’ Sing Song Anyone who has ever seen Mamma Mia would agree with me that without the sublime vocal talents of ABBA, the sub-par plotline would have made the movie a flop. This is strong evidence that adding impromptu musical numbers into any repetitive ol’ plotline makes it better by oh, about 200%.

There are so many classic musicals: Mary Poppins, High School Musical, West Side Story, Grease, Chicago, Hairspray, Les Misérables, Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Wizard of Oz, My Fair Lady, The Sound of Music. If you haven’t seen one of these, you are either a foetus fresh from the literal womb, or just genuinely fucked. It would be impossible to separate these films from the repertoire, existent in our collective cultural consciousness, of universally-known plots and songs. They exhibit the apex of human capability to make a catchy fucking tune.

Don’t even get me started on a hippy-esque musical you may know called Hair. I live for that shit.

Not only that, but musicals are fantastic for their corny, yet smile-inducing positivity. Can anyone actually feel sad when John Travolta is thrusting on top of a 1948 Ford De Luxe Convertible, pumping out ‘Grease Lightning’? The answer is no, they can’t. The cheeriness and bright-side-of-life outlook of musicals are a great for overall positivity and mental health, 26

something which is sorely needed in the monotonous rat race of modern mortal existence.

Being surrounded by a world of flash mobs, jazz hands and retro costumes is the kind of world I wanna be in. It reminds us that humans are fun, and unabashedly talented; we can take a joyful twist on the everyday, ordinary aspects of life which is otherwise impossible. It’s humanity at its finest. Music is life, people, embrace it.

Sometimes, simplifying things is good. Yeah, there’s small parts of plot mixed with the odd tap dance or sweaty shirtless solo (the musical numbers are what makes Footloose – beyond iconic) and the fact that dialogue often turns into a full-fledged ballad may trigger some people— but fuck, music is expression people. Is singing in the shower not fantastic? Wouldn’t life be filled with more joy if we sang and danced a little more? Musicals combine a story and an experience all in one. It’s a fantasy world; entertainment to a T. Adding that musical flair enhances a scene in a way that otherwise just can’t be done – think Troy pouring his heart out to Gabrielle. It creates a whole new level of feels.

Saying you don’t like musicals is akin to hating puppies; you have no soul.

Stone-Cold Acting There is, quite possibly, no one more abhorrent than someone who can sing, dance and act. We’ll use the word “act” loosely here, because in the world of Broadway, the hammier a line can be delivered, the louder the producers will quiver and coo. I could list thousands of scenes ruined by a clanging jazz number; billions of lines that would sound a lot fucking better, if the actor focused less on a campy vibrato, and more on a realistic hushed tone.

From an early age, I’ve sat through musical numbers with unshakeable annoyance. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the skill that goes into a wellchoreographed dance routine. I’ll rise to my feet if I’m that impressed by a sweat-beaded cast of characters taking their final bow. Hell, if the vocal riffs last for hours, maybe I’ll ever shed a tear. But my absolute rage at the concept of musical numbers in movies and on-stage is insatiable because, quite frankly, they’re just a bit lame.

Hundreds of thousands of people work their whole lives to make their mark on the West End. The amount of money, time and energy that goes into producing these bedazzled clusterfucks is staggering. And the end result is never anything but more of the same; stock standard and predictable.

It is at this point that I must focus on the singular

reason why I’ll never be convinced to like musical theatre.

Not so much an “it”, but a “who”. Andrew Lloyd Webber (for those who are unfamiliar with the sod, refer to the following flops: The Phantom of the Opera, Evita and Cats) is perhaps the most intolerable git I’ve ever had the displeasure of retaining information about in my pop culture knowledge. The man is worth ￡715,000, has won countless Tony, Grammy and Emmy awards—yet acts as though his life is the saddest lived on this earth.

He cannot muster even half a smile when fronted with a stage full of adoring celebrities paying tribute to him.

In short, I don’t like him. And he serves as quite a fitting parable for the entire musical theatre industry – they’re a collection of outcast misfits, who have been shunned from the world due to their unsmotherable need to sing about their emotions. They spend countless hours slaving away on the rehearsal room floor, so that they can damage their vocal cords and feel slightly numb in front of a cheering audience (who could have watched what they just saw for free on YouTube and felt the same empty happiness). Musical numbers are painful and exhausting editions that piece together stories we probably didn’t care about in the first place. Perhaps it’s best to leave the entire thing on the writing room floor, and focus on something less melodic.

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Peachy Booty Bodyweight Workout FRANCESCA KURGHAN What’s good, fitfam?

I know that wanting to grow the bootay is a major goal for many of y’all these days (not just the girls, either), so your favourite fitness gal threw together a wee peachy booty circuit workout you can do wherever (no gym = no excuses). Heck, do it on the beach in your ‘kini and feel fly as fuck if that’s what you wanna do.

I’ve done this workout multiple times and have seen some serious growth in the gluteal area myself, so take my word for it. Oh, and it won’t be easy…

WHAT YOU’LL NEED:

• • •

A resistance band Phone timer Your awesome self - that’s it!

WARM-UP:

I know it’s boring and you probably want to jump straight into the workout (just me?), but warming-up is super important for preparing your body for the stress it’s about to be under. Same goes for cooling-down and stretching after a workout - your body needs to slowly return to normal rather than suddenly stopping. Warm-ups can be fun, too. Since this is purely a bodyweight workout, you can make the warm-up whatever you wish. I’d suggest going at moderate intensity on any piece of cardio equipment, walking/running, skipping or anything else that’s not too intense—for about 5 minutes.

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THE WORKOUT:

There are two circuits in this workout. Each needs to be repeated twice (so, complete Circuit One, rest and repeat, then do the same for Circuit Two). You will complete each exercise for 30 seconds and then jump straight into the next one - NO RESTING UNTIL YOU’VE COMPLETED THE CIRCUIT! Since I love you guys so much, I’ve decided to make the first circuit the harder one. I’ve thrown in some compound movements to challenge you a bit, and then you will finish off with some isolation exercises to really target the glutes. You can thank me later.

CIRCUIT ONE:

•

•

•

•

30 seconds alternating lunges: stand tall and step forward with your left leg, lowering your body until your front knee is at 90 degrees; keeping your rear knee just off the ground. Push off you left foot and then return to the starting position. Swap legs and repeat.

30 seconds bodyweight squats: keeping your feet shoulder-width apart and toes slightly pointed out; slowly lower yourself as if you were sitting back into a chair. Go as deep as you can, and then drive back up, squeezing that tush as you come back to standing position.

30 seconds hip bridges (optional: add a resistance band around your knees to make it extra hard): Lie flat on the ground and bend your knees; keeping your feet about shoulder width apart. Push through your heels and lift your hips off the floor; squeezing your butt at the top (warning: this exercise looks extremely awkward if you make eye contact with someone while performing it).

30 seconds squat pulses: same deal with standard squats—you’re just gonna bob up and down slightly at the bottom.

REST FOR 1 MIN AND REPEAT CIRCUIT ONE

CIRCUIT TWO:

Get down on your hands and knees for this circuit, peeps; if you get sore knees, I would suggest placing a mat underneath you. Make sure you complete 30 seconds on BOTH legs for each of these exercises, before starting the next exercise.

• 30 seconds each leg - glute kickbacks: keeping your left leg straight, lift slightly it off the ground and squeeze your glutes, then lower it back down with control.

• 30 seconds each leg - donkey kicks: same deal as the kickbacks—except now you’re gonna bend your knee at 90 degrees, lifting it up and down with control.

• 30 seconds each leg - fire hydrants: still on your hands and knees with your left knee bent, raise out you left leg to the side, until your thigh is parallel to the floor. Return to the starting position with control.

REST FOR 1 MINUTE AND REPEAT CIRCUIT TWO COOL-DOWN:

Time to allow your body to slowly and safely return back to its resting state. Take 5 minutes here to jump on some cardio equipment (going extremely light), walk up and down your driveway, or just stretch (and I mean actually stretch, don’t just sit there trying to touch your toes while scrolling through Insta).

TOTAL WORKOUT TIME:

•

This workout should take approximately 20 minutes - that’s it!

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It’s not often that local artists catch the ear of major festivals, let alone be featured online alongside some of today’s most influential artists. In his debut EP, Avontales, MeloDownz delivered the full, unfiltered reality of growing up in West Auckland; providing the ideal platform to not only reflect on his youth in Avondale, but to catch the attention of big names in the industry.

We caught up with MeloDownz to get the lowdown on what’s next, what’s new and what to look out for.

How’d you get involved with Laneway?

The organiser actually emailed me directly, asking me if I wanted to play after hearing my record in a neighbouring office next door.

NEXUS: How do you define your sound?

MD: Wavy, urban Polynesian, smooth, mellow, dope, storytelling.

NEXUS: What drove you to become a musician?

MD: I’ve always just loved writing, freestyling and making music; I became obsessed and still am. I just followed my gut and kept doing it regardless of people doubting me.

NEXUS: What have you been working on recently?

MD: I’m working on a new EP and gonna be dropping some singles and videos in the near future.

NEXUS: Do you have any creative outlets other than music?

MD: Yeah, I love drawing; I use to tag, but now I enjoy drawing characters and doing graft in a black book. I drew the Avontales cover and got my mate to help me colour it in on PhotoShop.

NEXUS: What artists/tracks do you listen to on the daily?

MD: At the moment: WarmBrew, Dom Kennedy, Screwed Up Click, Poetik, Protije, Damian Marley, Trinity Roots and reggae NEXUS: What do you love most about Auckland?

Is there anywhere else you’d rather live?

MD: I love the local community vibes, the music scene and the hard working-class people. I love how NEXUS: MD:

there are beautiful beaches just 10 minutes away like Piha and Bethells. I also love how Avondale is in Auckland. On the other hand, Auckland’s pretty messed up in terms of domestic violence, homelessness, youth suicide etc. That really sucks, so that’s why I love the community vibes where everyone can share what they are going through and unite as one. I would wanna live in Berlin for a bit.

NEXUS: What’s your fave memory from growing up?

MD: Probably chillin’ with my grandparents, and chillin’ with my homies at the park; having no responsibility. Just being a kid, doing kid stuff.

NEXUS: Best/Worst New Years Experience?

MD: Probably being cheap shot outside a club.

Guttered for the person that did it because me and the homies caught him slipping 5 minutes later.

NEXUS: Who is the most iconic Kiwi?

MD: Tom Scott, a true voice for the people.

NEXUS: Where to from here?

MD: The top - that’s where.

NEXUS: What’s the best haiku you can hit me with right now?

MD: Mellow Down with love I see the light in yourself, Peace be the Journey MELOGRAM: @MELODOWNZ MELOCLOUD: /MELODOWNZ MELOCAMP: MELODOWNZ.BANDCAMP.COM MELOBOOK: /MELODOWNZ

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THE BROTHEL Sumptuous living areas are the backbone of this humble abode. The north wing flaunts the famous “Gentlemans Lounge”, one of Hamilton’s finest beer pong amphitheatres, providing the ideal location for bonding between residents and their lovely neighbours. In the west wing, behold one of the greatest movie/series/surfing/ rugby theatres, which entices ladies and gentlemen from from all over the suburb to enjoy their screen and eccentric-yet-high-class conversation. Other ritzy designs include the exclusive toilets separated by a door layout which conveniently offers a grand venue to play battle-shits in between vigorous study routines.

Let’s Get Synthetic JACQUI SWNEY This week’s playlist is dedicated to music made with computers, and the dudes who manage to make computers sound good. I love a good indie band and a harmonica/banjo collar as much as the next white gal, but sometimes, I get this craving that only some bass and completely cliché lyrical composition can satisfy. Like most music, a good electronic song can command you to feel a certain way; be it up or down. Listed below are a few songs that make you feel like more than just frothing in the mosh at Backbar.

1. ‘SUPERHUMAN (FEAT. ERIC LEVA)’ BY SLANDER:

Slander and Eric Lava come together to create a beautiful mix of lyricism and music. The slow build doesn’t necessarily make for a dance-worthy track, but it make you feel it in your stomach somehow. It sounds a little bit like how it might feel to be able to fly, and I think that might be the point because the title and lyrics insinuate being superhuman around someone who makes you feel that way. It’s got a romantic aspect to it and I appreciate it.

2. ‘FIRE’ BY LOUIS THE CHILD: ‘Fire’ helps Louis the Child make his second appearance on Pass the Aux. The distinctly upbeat sound makes this song so identifiable as Louis the Child. The serotonin levels in my brain instantly spike every time I hear one of his songs and they literally never fail to give me a pickme-up and/or make me physically NEED to dance.

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3. ‘LIGHT’ BY SAN HOLO: San Holo, possibly one of the more clever names out there. He’s created one of my favourite songs at the moment. While it does lack in lyrical creativity, everything else about this song is heckin’ fantastic. The lyrics themselves repeat but nothing else about this song is repetitive. Each verse has been mixed so the lyrics are different each time (despite being the same). Again, every beat hits me right in the heartstrings; boosting my serotonin back to where it should be.

4. ‘HERE WITH YOU’ BY LOST FREQUENCIES & NETSKY):

Belgian DJs Lost Frequencies and Netsky collaborated on this song to create one of the more lyric-heavy songs on this playlist. The start of this song doesn’t sound promising. It’s simple and a little boring with only the singer and a quiet guitar in the background.

But approximately 43 seconds to a minute in, they spice things up with some delicious bass and a snazzy guitar riff. The main drop is a little unexpected but welcomed with open arms.

Spoilt PETER DORNAUF Abstraction in the visual arts is not everyone’s tin of paint. It’s a foreign language for many, like higher mathematics is for most. Yet, its history has helped shape the nature of the Twentieth century in which the beast was born. It was like someone flicked a switch around 1905 and things in physics and aesthetics took off in another direction. The visual arts and literary matters became a very different species, became everything we labelled modern; and somewhat complex.

Einstein baffled us with his abstruse equations, T.S. Eliot broke from time-honoured conventional poetic modes, and artists like Kandinsky abandoned representation and painted abstract forms. His musician friend, Schoenberg, was also composing a new musical sound; one that eschewed melody and tune. This was the brave new world of abstraction. It reached New Zealand’s shores late in the piece; we were about 40 years behind.

By the 1950’s, Cubism, a more moderate form of abstraction was being practiced here, much to the disgust of Joe public. It was a minority taste in a provincial world frightened of the new and unknown. Artists like Colin McCahon, Louise Henderson and John Weeks were the trailblazers in this country; the Elvis Presleys of their time.

Mr and Mrs Plastic Bucket didn’t like them. They knew what they liked – pretty pictures of mountains and lakes that looked exactly like the things they were.

The Waikato Museum is presently showing a selection of works from these seminal artists which affords a glimpse of how we, as a nation, were starting to grow, visually, during the conservative years. Pure abstraction is still problematic for many. What does it mean? What does it represent? Sometimes it doesn’t mean anything, other than things to do with line, form, colour and texture: a purely visual experience.

This, in the jargon, is formalism.

An example is the work of local artist, Gaye Jurisich, and her recent show at Frankton Gallery, called Overlaps and Containments. The title itself suggests a formalist agenda. They were large colourful canvases in which brushstroke itself was one of the main attractions together with layering of marks and abutment of primary colours. Geometric forms played off against each other in energetic ways, displaying an apposite combination of hard-edged notations juxtaposed against broad expressive brush work, the combination producing an exciting visual frisson. It’s a pity the show is now over. It was a feast for the eye.

She’s a lover of culture in desperate need of a raunchy rebound; he described himself as a “Typical Kiwi Bloke” with a tendancy for using his rectal region to aid the consumption of alcohol. At this point, we were starting to lose hope in our matchmakers, but rumor has it that they may have managed to achieve the impossible.

HE SAID:

SHE SAID:

I’m going to be honest, I had never been on a date before. I was more nervous than 15 year old during their first time. Though the nerves were soon calmed with a lukewarm Diesel in a hot shower. My mates, being the GCs they are, dropped me off and I strolled inside, attempting to hide my nerves. As I was shown to my date, all I could think was “Damn... she’s fine”. A few long islands and bit of light chit-chat later, we were getting on better than a well-rinsed punter and a pack of fresh Winnies. I felt like we were really connecting and having a great time when suddenly, she suggests we play ‘Never Have I Ever’, a dangerous game at the best of times. Starting off casual, questions quickly turned into exploring each other’s sexual boundaries.

After another round, we received the sad news that we’d finished our tab. I offered to pay for the Uber home as we lived only a durrys walk apart. During the ride, I popped the option of watching an absolute banger of a movie, Shrek. Giving my flat mates 3 minutes warning, we crashed into my lounge and cracked into it. About 3 lines into ‘All Star’, my dreadful singing was cut short, as my mouth was invaded by her tounge. One thing led to the next and soon I was being ridden like a stolen horse with the perfect soundtrack to back. Honestly one of the best nights of my life; a beautiful woman and a beautiful movie.

I am not the sort of person to get nervous about these things, but I have to say, I was pretty wrecked.

I showed up far too early although I made the most of the situation by ordering a mojito on Nexus (big shout out to the staff at House for being good sports and prepping a nervous gal before a blind date). I made friends with the taxidermy deer on the wall beside me for a little bit before he showed up. I’m not gonna lie – he wasn’t my normal type, but he was kind of cute and I could get behind his sense of humour (two words: DAD JOKES). The conversation involved ‘Never Have I Ever’, multiple high-fives (Flirting 101) and more long island iced teas. I’m not sure what I was expecting from Blind Date but considering it I could have landed with literally ANYONE, I’m pretty happy it was someone I could have a laugh with and who didn’t take the whole situation too seriously. Once the tab was completely gone, we ended the night on a high; going back to his to watch Shrek. Before our heroes even got to Duloc though, we engaged in some pretty indecent acts in front of his goldfish (sorry lil’ guy) and then he walked me home like the gentleman he is.

Brought to you by House on Hood Street. If you’re keen for a Blind Date, email editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Keen for some free Burgerfuel? Simply snap us the shitfest of your student lifestyle for the chance to win.

If you’ve accidentally sent us something you shouldn’t have, just email editor@nexusmag.co.nz with all the details. Prizes can be claimed from reception in the SUB (between Unimart and the gym).

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Puzzles

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Oi Doodle The fuckin' Whatsit Abstract grunts

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SIMPLE PUZZLES FOR SIMPLE PEOPLE

Can you tell who’s got a BIG SECRET???

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ACROSS:

DOWN:

1. Pub (6) 4. Take for granted (6) 9. Weird (7) 10. Take place (5) 11. Expiation (9) 12. Sense organ (3) 13. Stage whisper (5) 15. Paragon (5) 20. Sphere (3) 22. Vortex (9) 24. Tine (5) 25. Ameliorated (7) 26. Cure (6) 27. Extremely bad (6)

1. Tropical bird (6) 2. Asinine (7) 3. Ambit (5) 5. Yelled (7) 6. Relative (5) 7. Mistakes (6) 8. Varieties (5) 14. Injured (7) 16. Foreshorten (7) 17. Barrel maker (6) 18. Wild and savage (5) 19. Blot (6) 21. Flower (5) 23. Part of a play (5) 41