Nexus Issue 9 2006

Issue 9 路 8 May 2006

Civil Union Bill: One year on 路 A Low Hum 路 Graduation Pix

Graduation 06

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Issue 9 路 8 May 2006

Photos

Issue 9 路 8 May 2006

Party Time

Party Review BY

BY SKOT SKOT AND AND JR JR The 18th The 21st has quickly been replaced by the 18th birthday party with its legal tag of drinking, smoking, renting the odd Bukkake Porno, even letting the boys in blue have their way with you. The only real reason nowadays to have a 21st is to see if you’re “man” enough to drink 9 beers in under 5 mins (I did mine in 4.23).

The 18th was to be held at the Outback front bar. For those of you that don’t know, it’s the front part of the Outback that is almost always closed off to the public. Before going to the Outback I was told to meet at a flat for pre-drinks, as we would all be getting taxis from the flat to the party.

As I arrived I was greeted by yet again the noise police at, believe it or not 6.30pm. I’m sure they must’ve laughed, as a lawn mower would have been louder at this time in the afternoon!! However the noise police declined a photograph in this fine publication yet again - something to do with company policy (I think they don’t want their family/friends to see what they do for a living). I was offered a beer from the huge stack that was on offer as the birthday boy chose to purchase his height in Waikato Draft!!

Once at the Outback things seemed to be going well until Mary Jane made her appearance. Her perfume must off been very strong that night as soon as the Outback staff noticed the scent the music stoped and everyone was asked to leave. Most of us carried on into the Outback back bar for the rest of the evening.

I guess the rest went elsewhere to spend some more time with Mary Jane. She wasn’t welcome in the Outback (I heard they are strict on IDs so I guess she must have left hers at home).

Top three quotes Should I pay the rent this week or buy everyone Tequila shots?

Nothing says ‘good job’ like a firm open-palmed slap on the behind!

It’s seven o’clock and you’ve still got your pants on. What’s the occasion?

Party Rating:

8/10

Having a party? Txt me anytime (after 7am) 0274 279319 and JR and myself will come and review it.

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

Contents FEATURES 20

21 46

First Comes Love, Then Comes Civil Union: 1 Year On De Facto Of De Matter A Low Hum

PHOTOS 02-03 32 47

Graduation 06 NZ Music Month: Dynamo Go on campus Busted

NEWS 08-12

OE and debt, Howard Morrison’s doctorate, Fair trade cuppa, Local loop unbundling, Student allowance, Vic’s international student fee rise, Haiku news, Mr. Safety Bigglesworth.

REGULARS 05 Party Review 07 Editorial 14 Lettuce 18 Arts Noticeboard 19 Jerk Jokes 23 The Second Oldest Profession 26 WSU columns 24 Gig Guide 32 U’n I 33 Classic Rock Review 33 Boganology 101 34 Confessions of a list maker 34 Word Freak 35 Killing Time on Campus

Credits

Cover artwork by Matt (http://www.lvl99.com/)

If you would like a go at doing a cover, email graphics@nexus-npl.co.nz

Editor Dawn Tuffery

News Editor Joshua Drummond

nexus@waikato.ac.nz

news@nexus-npl.co.nz

Designer Matt Scheurich

Interim Music Editor: M. Emery Books Editor: Michelle Coursey Politics Editor: Chris Grenfell Main Feature: Dawn Tuffery

graphics@nexus.npl.co.nz

Advertising Manager Tony Arkell

admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz 0211766180

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35 Rage In A Cage 36 The Magic 8 Ball 36 Top 3 with The Panther 37 Notices 38 Uncle Chuck’s Kiddies Page 39 Comics 40 Food 41 The Player 42 CD Reviews 43 DVDs 44 Books 44 Poetree 45 Films 47 Busted

Nexus: wants to have civil unions with all of you!

Contributors this issue: Megan Moffet, Mazzy, Hannah Yen, Nick Maarhuis, Petra Jane, Nick Elliot, Boulanger, Skot, Matt, Brie Jesson, Danielle Thomson, Burton C. Bogan, Chloe, Nick, Chester, M. Emery, Sam Rogers, Tovah, The Panther, Gary Oliver, Matthew Wills, Uncle Jim, Hazazel, Kazuma Namioka, Leigh McGeady, Joe Citizen, Josh Drummond, ASPA, WSU

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

The views expressed in this publication are not necessarily the views of Nexus Publications 2003 Ltd, any of our advertisers, WSU or APN. Actually we’re too tired to have views right now, so we faked them all. But if you have views, feel free to share them. As long as they’re not, like, libellous and stuff (not that we’re responsible for that either. It was the other guy! That guy there!

With the spanner in the drawing room!).

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA).

Editorial Mmmm…microchips

You may have heard of the enforced dog microchipping law due to kick in around July 1st. Thought registering your dog was pricey?

Now you’ll also get to pay $45 to $80 for a grain-of-rice sized microchip that means the police can track you down when Fido bites someone in 10 years. Yay! You’ll also get to complete a change of ownership form if you ever want to pass Jess on. No more of that ‘we’re just gonna go over here, Jess…and sprint to the car and drive away really fast!’ stuff either.

The farmers are pissed off. Betty with 15 chihuahuas is pissed off. The Green Party are erupting in a spurt of righteously pissed off press releases.

Frankly, I think all these people should get a life. The benefits of the proposed microchipping vastly outweigh any disadvantages, as I will demonstrate below.

But firstly, why stop at dogs? Ultimately of course, we should move on to true enlightenment and have all our finances, personal information and relationships controlled by chips installed in the brain, which is surely the way of the future. No more losing your eftpos card or forgetting your name.

Also, it is common knowledge on reputable internet sites that microchips are in fact the oft-mentioned ‘mark of the beast’ foretold in the Bible. The descriptions of this mark compared with the enforced microchipping of dogs are, frankly, similar beyond doubt: “He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark” (Rev. 13:16).

Presumably the foolhardy Green Party will feel the wrath of Satan for protesting this

inspired legislation.

The Greens have drafted an amendment to the Local Government Law Reform Bill called ‘One law for all dogs…except big scary ones’ that attempts to abolish compulsory microchipping for dogs (except big scary ones), and this was pulled from the ballot box on Thursday last week.

Given that badass canine companions are guaranteed to make you look macho, this should also have benefits for the weak and sickly among us if the amendment is passed. Who needs those pussy dogs on our side anyway?

However, www.evangelicaloutreach.org has a word of warning for dogs or people tempted to receive the microchip. ‘[You] will be tormented with burning sulfur in the presence of the holy angels and of the Lamb.

And the smoke of their torment rises for ever

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

and ever. There is no rest day or night for those who worship the beast and his image, or for anyone who receives the mark of his name. (Rev. 14:9-11).’ No problems for a hardy Chihuahua, though.

Let the brave blessed dogs receive these chips, that we may follow. Once every man, woman, canine and bogan in the world has received their Devilchip ™, we will form an indomitable fighting force that no hobbits, nukes or verse-quoting fundamentalists can overcome.

Having kicked some un-microchipped butt (mmm….chip butty), we may then descend to the bowels of Hell, where I have it on good authority that good tunes and perfectly cooked pizzas abound.

To paraphrase present-day prophet Homer Simpson: ‘Satanic control! How can I lose?’

Monday, 8 May 2006

OE linked to high debt?

Whoops, wrong kind of OE...

NZUSA and Ministry of Education argue over report findings again

BY CHRIS LEGGETT (ASPA) A report released by Tertiary Education Minister Dr Michael Cullen has revealed that students with higher levels of debt are more likely than others to head abroad post-study. While the New Zealand University Students’ Association (NZUSA) claims the report confirms that debt is contributing to New Zealand’s “brain drain”, Dr Cullen argues that other factors are influencing students’ decisions to go overseas.

The report was based on information from the Ministry of Education, Statistics New Zealand and Inland Revenue. According to the data, Inland Revenue has reported that 26,864 loan borrowers were known to be overseas as at March 31 2006. Also, data from Statistics New Zealand indicates that graduates that abroad owed $11,790 on average more than those assumed to be residing in New Zealand. Those overseas boast an average loan balance of $22,640, whereas those that remain in New Zealand hold an average loan balance of $10,850.

According to Dr Cullen, the high levels of debt held by New Zealand students overseas are in many cases a coincidence pertaining to other factors. “The report suggests that the amount of student debt was not likely to be the sole reason for a borrower being overseas.

[It] found that factors such as level and field

of study, age, ethnic group and citizenship status also influenced the likelihood of people living overseas. In addition, what this new study suggests is that factors not included in this analysis, such as individual preferences, personal circumstances and employment opportunities are possibly more important factors in the decision of New Zealanders to live overseas.”

NZUSA co-president Conor Roberts says that “the report confirms that the larger a student’s debt, the more likely they are to be overseas. This shows we need to stop the drivers of debt. Student debt is at astronomical levels because of high fees, low public funding of tertiary education and declining access to student allowances.”

Dr Cullen does concede that high student debt is a contributing factor to the brain drain, but Labour’s interest write-off policy for those who remain in New Zealand is a way of addressing this. “While loans are not the only factor in people going overseas, they are clearly having an effect. This report confirms that we were right to make changes to the loan scheme as one way of encouraging New Zealanders to stay and contribute to our society.”

But Roberts says that the policy is not a sufficient way of addressing the issue. “The no interest on student loans policy will be good for encouraging graduates to stay in New Zealand, pay off their loan quicker and contribute to our communities. However this does not address students accruing huge amounts of debt in the first place.”

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

Students to receive Statements this month

Student

Loan

The first loan statements since the implementation of the Interest Free Student Loans legislation will be sent out shortly.

StudyLink wants to remind students that as of 1 April 200,6 interest free loans are being delivered by an interest write-off system.

Students will continue to see interest charged on their loan statement but if eligible for an interest free student loan, all interest charged from 1 April 2006 will be written off automatically by Inland Revenue after 31 March 2007 and then again at the end of every tax year.

The main condition for eligibility is that a student has lived in New Zealand for 183 or more consecutive days.

But even if a student does not meet this condition he or she may still qualify for an exemption, which would also make their loan interest free.

StudyLink has included information about the interest write off process in the Loan Statement and has also prepared an accompanying flyer to ensure students are aware of the policy and how it is being delivered.

More information about Interest Free Student Loans and the eligibility criteria can be found on the Inland Revenue website – www.ird.govt.nz/studentloans.

The News

Howard Morrison Scores Doctorate Despite Zero Study Did Lots Of Other Stuff Though

BY JOSHUA DRUMMOND Iconic New Zealand entertainer Sir Howard Morrison can now call himself “Sir Howard Morrison, PhD,” after being awarded an honorary doctorate by Waikato University at a graduation ceremony on the 28th of April.

The doctorate recognises Sir Howard’s “outstanding service to the community, particularly in the areas of Māori education and business development,” and was awarded to him by Waikato University’s Vice Chancellor, Roy Crawford.

“The University is very proud to be able to count Sir Howard Morrison among its honorary graduates,” said Mr Crawford. “Sir Howard was awarded the honorary doctorate in recognition of his outstanding service to the community, particularly in the areas of Māori education and business development.

He has made an enormous contribution to important community endeavors over a long period of time.”

The doctorate was awarded, according to a University press statement, because it “is consistent with the key themes of the University’s Vision associated with Excellence, Distinctiveness and International Connectedness, and marks what promises to be a very productive long-term relationship between the University of Waikato and Sir Howard. The University looks forward to his involvement and collaboration in a variety of educational and research projects.”

Waikato University Student’s Union President, Sehai Orgad, said that Sir Howard’s honorary doctorate was an important step in recognising his incredible contribution to the region and to New Zealand.

“I am pleased and honored, as a student, to recognize Sir Howard Morrison as a part of the Waikato University community,” said Sehai. “It is inspiring that Sir Howard has contributed so much to not only New Zealand music, but to the New Zealand culture overall.”

doctorate, Sir Howard joins other prominent New Zealanders to be honoured by the University of Waikato. Recipients include Janet Frame, Dame Malvina Major, Don Stafford, Hare Puke, Tui Adams, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, Neil and Tim Finn, Michael King and Margaret Mahy.

The presentation of the doctorate proved an emotional occasion for Morrison’s friends and family, who celebrated the event with a haka and a song.

Sir Howard is known for his involvement in community endeavors, as well as for his music career which began in 1955 and from which he is yet to officially retire. He was appointed Director of Youth Development in Maori Affairs in 1979, and later established the Sir Howard Morrison Education Foundation for Te Arawa rangatahi entering university study.

Other community involvement has included his role as a trustee of the Books in Homes initiative, along with other prominent New Zealanders such as Once Were Warriors author Alan Duff.

Sir Howard is also currently patron of Victim Support New Zealand. He is a founder and trustee of the Manaakitanga Aotearoa Trust, based in Rotorua, and a founding member of the Tū Tangata business studies programme at Massey University.

With the granting of this honorary Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

The News

Free Cuppa Encourages Fair Trade

BY JOSH DRUMMOND Waikato businesses are supporting Fair Trade Fortnight by offering a free Fair Trade Cuppa.

At the Hamilton Trade Aid store in Alexandra Street, customers can choose from a free cup of tea, coffee or hot chocolate, made with Fair Trade ingredients. The campaign is part of a wider Fair Trade awareness effort, “Fair Trade Fortnight,” which runs from 29th April to 13th May. The event is being supported by the Fair Trade Association of New Zealand, as well as Oxfam and Trade Aid. Marion Ellis, the manager of Hamilton’s Trade Aid store, invited the curious in to have a look at what Fair Trade is about, as well as getting into some very good food.

“As part of the fair trade fortnight we’re doing free sampling in store from the 12th to

the 14th of May. We’ll have chocolate cakes and other tidbits as well as drinks. Anyone out there is more than welcome to come in and sample some,” said Ellis.

She added that the event is a hands-on showcase of the good work Fair Trade and its partner organisations are doing in exporting countries.

“This year in particular the Fair Trade association of NZ has brought over some cocoa beans from Ghana. It’s amazing the difference using fair-trade ingredients makes to their communities. In this case their income goes up from $400 NZD to $600 each year because of the premium-guaranteed price fair trade offers our partners.”

The fair-trade movement was set up to provide an alternative to the “free trade,” advocated by the World Trade Organisation and similar institutions. According to their website, “Fair Trade is a trading partnership,

based on dialogue, transparency and respect, that seeks greater equity in international trade. It contributes to sustainable development by offering better trading conditions to, and securing the rights of, marginalized producers and workers.”

Ellis says a particular effort of the campaign is to raise awareness of fair trade amongst Kiwis, who wouldn’t normally be aware of the lives of the people who produce the majority of their commodities.

“We really want to encourage people to buy fair traded products as it makes a huge difference in the lives of those who produce the commodities,” Ellis says. “They’re easy enough to find – all fair traded products in NZ have the fair trade logo on them.”

Local Loop unbundled, sparks Battle of the Political Press Releases So, Telecom are unbundling the Local Loop for broadband access! Predictably, all the minor political parties rushed out press releases to tell us what they thought about it all. Here are a few of the choicest comments from Act and the Green Party for you to compare and contrast, if you can be bothered. Enjoy.

Act: “Today’s announcement from the Government that Telecom’s local loop will be unbundled has been slammed by ACT Leader Rodney Hide as a big step backwards for free markets and private enterprise.”

The Greens: “The Government’s broadband policy package was welcomed by the Green Party today, who confirmed that they would vote to support the legislation needed to enact it.”

Act: “Labour has absolutely no respect for private property rights,” said Rodney Hide.

“Labour has shown its true colours - and a socialist desire to interfere elbow-deep in

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private enterprise.”

very positive move. Nice one, David.”

The Greens: “This is pretty much what we have been calling for for some time,” said Nandor Tanczos. “I met with the Minister prior to the cabinet decision to assure him that the Greens would back him in regulating for local loop unbundling…It’s great that he has taken this step forward.

For non-partisan information about the unbundling, rather than quasi-political smack-talk, follow the Internet to blog publicaddress.net, where Russell Brown the following to say about the announcement:

Act: “Telecom is one of New Zealand’s most successful companies. Politicians should stick to their role of governance, and let businesspeople run their businesses….

Who knows which company Labour will whack next…Government’s forced unbundling of the local loop is a big step backwards for private enterprise and free markets.”

The Greens: “The price that Telecom’s rivals face for shared line access would have to be set carefully – say, between $10 to $14 per customer. Set it too low and Telecom’s rivals will cherry pick the business. Too high, and few benefits will result. But all in all a Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

“Unbundling ain’t the half of yesterday’s unexpected announcement on telecommunications regulation. The real curveball - one that will force Telecom to get a new business model - is a mandate for naked DSL. That is, a line without a dial tone, leaving consumers free to use their line only for broadband data, and choose their own voice solution. That’s huge.”

News of the unbundling has proved catastrophic to Telecom’s share price, with $1.1 billion being wiped from the company’s market capitalisation, in a price free-fall of 10.6%.

The unbundling should take place early next year.

Student Allowance Recipients Plummet At Most Campuses Particularly Waikato

BY CHRIS LEGGETT The New Zealand University Association (NZUSA) has information from the Ministry of detailing a decline in student recipients campus by campus.

Students’ obtained Education allowance

The information, obtained under the Official Information Act, compares the annual totals of student allowance recipients at each New Zealand tertiary education provider over a period of four years.

“The largest single drop was at the University of Waikato, which had 3541 students receiving a living allowance in 2002 but now only has 2672 recipients. That’s 869 less students being supported while they study,” says NZUSA co-president Conor Roberts.

Roberts notes that the amount of allowance recipients has dropped each year “across the majority of tertiary campuses”.

The News Massey University has dropped to 4610 allowance recipients in 2005 from 5066 in 2005. Other large decreases included the University of Canterbury, which has lost 562 recipients since 2002, and the University of Auckland, which has lost 468. The total number of allowance recipients nationwide has dropped from 60,826 in 2004 to 56,806 in 2005.

Under 25s among highest borrowers This comes after recent statistics suggested that students under 25 are among the largest loan borrowers. Data from Statistics New Zealand shows that borrowers aged under 25 and over 60 had the highest median amount transferred for 2004 from Studylink to Inland Revenue. Students under 25 comprise 59 per cent of students that borrow under the loan scheme, whereas those 60 and over make up just 1 per cent.

According to Roberts, there is a definite correlation between the declining allowance figures and the Statistics New Zealand data.

“I think it obviously ties to the fact that under one third of under 25 year-olds have access to a student allowance because of the unfair parental means testing that they face.”

However, Minister for Tertiary Education Dr Michael Cullen says that the decline is because “household incomes are rising quicker than forecast”. He says that a strong local economy has caused the combined income of many students’ parents to rise

Short Shorts Everybody Must’ve Got Stoned The National Organisation for the Reform of Marijuana Laws is organising International J Day for Saturday 6th March. By the time you read this, J Day will have been and gone, but we thought we’d give it a plug anyway.

What is J Day? Well, potheads congregate in public places to smoke weed together.

That’s it, pretty much. What’s the point? Well, to make a statement, of course, and what better way to do that than to break the law in public with hundreds of your slow-talking giggly peers, and then tying up police and court resources?

Here’s some PR stuff from the pro-dopers: “For over 30 years our drug laws have used

NZUSA also argues that the parental income threshold is an unfair means of allocating the student allowance. “The parental means test is unjust and we call upon the Government to increase access to allowances in next month’s Budget by dropping the unfair age test [to] turn around the declining number of students who are supported while they study.”

In response to NZUSA’s request, Dr Cullen says that reconsidering the age of 25 years “won’t be happening in this year’s budget [but] it will be happening sometime in this term”. The Labour government is committed to the policy, as specified by United Future in the Confidence and Supply Agreement.

The NZUSA is also commonly known as a strong advocate for a universal living allowance, meaning that all students would be eligible for assistance regardless of parental income. However Dr Cullen says the prospect is an unrealistic one. “[We are] very unlikely to see that in the foreseeable future, simply [due to] cost and other priorities within the tertiary sector. It’s a bit of a balancing act. There are things we want to do on the student side, but there are things that we must do on the other side.” - ASPA

BY JOSH DRUMMOND

punishment with the aim of reducing drug use. Yet despite spending billions of dollars, law enforcement has not had any significant effect on reducing supply or demand. Illicit drugs are more plentiful and cheaper than ever before,” said Paula Lambert of the Christchurch Coalition for Cannabis Law Reform.

Okay, Paula. Nothing you say changes the fact that smoking weed makes people talk shit and laugh a lot. Which is why you do it, presumably.

Yee-haw. Country music!

Seasoned Country music pros and promising newcomers are honoured at this year’s New Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

above the parental income threshold. Dr Cullen indicated that “there will be some small moves in the budget to alleviate [the decline]”.

Zealand Country Music Awards.

Two awards are presented on the night; the APRA Best Country Music Song and the RIANZ Tui award for Best Country Music Album.

The winners will be announced at the New Zealand Country Music Awards to be held on Friday June 2 in Gore as part of the Gold Guitar celebrations.

“Country music is very much alive and well in New Zealand as the standard of these finalists shows,” says 2006 New Zealand Music Awards spokesperson Adam Holt.

“It’s fantastic to see our Country artists producing great music, whether they’re based in Nashville or Taranaki or Gore!”

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The News

Victoria Ups International Students’ Fees by 12% Falling dollar blamed

BY NICOLA KEAN A University Council meeting last week almost unanimously voted to increase international student fees at Victoria University for next year by an average of 12%.

International students studying commerce, law and arts subjects will see a 15% fee increase, adding up to a rise of over two thousand New Zealand dollars in some cases. Science and information technology will both rise by 12%, with second year architecture and design, the Study Abroad and Foundation Programme fees increasing by 10%.

The news of the rises comes as the New Zealand Herald reports that overall, income from international students is down “more than 11 per cent [from] 2004 and comes after a 13 per cent drop in the number of students.” The Ministry of Education has also released figures that “show there has been a 39 per cent drop in the value of international education.”

The papers presented to the council say the rises are necessary to maintain the quality of courses offered - in order to effectively compete with Auckland, Otago

The Nexus Haiku News Big news in 17 syllables

Minister for Civil Defence admits tsunami reaction not good enough

and Canterbury universities. According to the papers, the current prices for international student fees are comparatively low compared to other universities.

Reasons for the rise also cited included the decreasing New Zealand dollar and the lack of significant fee rises between 2003 and 2005. “The falls in the value of the New Zealand dollar mean that international students enrolling in 2005 or 2006 will face zero or only very small increases in the nominal value of the fees that they must pay in 2007,” the papers say.

Neil Quigley, Deputy Vice-Chancellor (Research) says that although international students care about value for money, they don’t want poor services and were “not price sensitive within a few thousand dollars”.

VUWSA’s international student officer Fiona Shi says that she was “very disappointed” with the fee rise, that was illustrative of the University’s treatment of international students as “cash cows”. She says there was no indication that the University would be providing more services for the increased fees.

The fee rise was passed almost unanimously at last Monday’s University Council meeting, with only the two student representatives VUWSA President Nick Kelly and Cordelia Black voting against the motion.

Significantly, however, Kelly’s motion moving the issue from the closed to the public section of the meeting succeeded.

A motion to introduce “grandparenting” of international fees proposed by Kelly failed, with only the student representatives and a staff representative Kevin Duggan voting in favour. “Grandparenting” is a system that gives international students and their

Retraction - Nexus would like to apologise for a mistake in last week’s news.

The lead story mistakenly quoted Sehai Orgad as saying the WSU were ‘neutral’ regarding ‘the KA issue’. Ms Orgad in fact stated that the WSU were neutral regarding the Te Ranga Ngaku issue. We regret any confusion this has caused.

UN Security Council resolution submitted over Iranian uranium enrichment Bet you the United States Will go to war in Iran They’ve got Oil.

Tom Cruise’s bizarre taste for human placenta

Tsunami reaction Not very good Next time everyone will die

Delicious placenta All that couch jumping Works up an appetite

Telecom share price plunges

Nexus gets nice new shiny paper

Monopolistic bastards Get theirs.

Thank you, socialist Government

Nexus’ paper shines Too slippery To use as toilet paper

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parents more certainty by charging the same fees for a student’s entire university career.

Effectively, the measure would mean that the fee rises would not affect already enrolled students.

The Waikato University council voted to implement grandparenting here last year, in an initiative led by the Waikato Students’ Union.

“Too many [international students] have suffered in recent years from fee increases which have driven them into hardship, poor living conditions, forced part-time work, great stress, and impaired academic performance,” said then-President of the Waikato Student Union Shiju Pushpamangalam at the time. “This will give international students budgetary certainty for the duration of their degree.”

International students at Waikato had to face a 7.41% fee increase to adjust for the expected inflation.

VUWSA President Kelly called the Vic fee rise a “disgusting money hoard by the University” and says a campaign to have the increases repealed would get underway next week. However, he says it was difficult because international students often shied away from protesting. – ASPA

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

Wouldn’t want to land in that...

The News

Mr. Safety Bigglesworth in the

“Crimebeat on Campus” In which fictional Scotland Yard air-policeman and war hero, Maj. James Bigglesworth,(“Biggles” to his friends) provides up-to-the-minute crime news and advice.

The Waikato University campus is not exactly a hotbed of organised crime, but there’s plenty goes on here that the security people and police deal with, quiet-like. And things are bound to heat up, with the car-theft season almost upon us, according to the head of Campus Security, Ray Hayward.

“It’s been quiet for a couple of months now, but that’s not going to last,” says Hayward. He adds that it’s usually around this time of year that car break-ins on campus begin to increase. Known hot spots are the car parks for Student Village, Orchard Park, Byrant Hall and College Hall.

Don’t want to get your car smashed up? Well, take all the valuables out of it, dumbass. No, don’t cover them up with a towel. And by “valuables” I mean “everything.” Don’t ever assume car thieves are smart people who steal valuable things.

They will steal anything. They are all, without exception, utter fucktards with sub-zero IQ’s. Need examples? A mate’s Corrola was smashed up in order to steal his 1986-vintage car “stereo,” worth all of six bucks. My own car was broken into (while it was unlocked – touché, you fucking thieving morons) and they stole a $15 bottle of car shampoo.

Sorry, went off on a tangent there. I hate thieves.

Insurance, while not exactly a deterrent, can help cover the costs of repairs and replacing lost valuables. A basic fire & theft policy is available at all major insurers and doesn’t cost all that much. And it’s worth it if your car is broken into.

To finish off this week’s feature, Ray Hayward offers a yarn about a student who recently busted some thieves on the job. After observing two fellows scoping out cars in the parking lot, who then proceeded to break into a car, our boy went to a lecture. Nice one, unnamed idiot. Mid-lecture, he had a brainwave – what if he actually reported crimes to the authorities? Brilliant! He hastened to call Campus Security, who, with the aid of the local fuzz, managed to collar the crims, – and give the tardy tattler a chewing-out for not telling them half an hour earlier. The moral of the story? Tell security as soon as you see something happening.

If you see a crime in progress, or have any other securityrelated emergency, Campus Security can be contacted on (07) 838 4444. Alternatively, use one of the many emergency phones dotted around campus.

Yours,

Mr Safety Bigglesworth

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

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Lettuce Letter of the Week KA – Where Are They?

To the Editor, I am writing to ask that Komiti Awhina (KA) come forward and begin fixing their ‘transparency’ issues from today on.

Firstly by informing the Maori Students on Campus as to what is exactly happening with them.

I have been trying to find out more on KA, for not only my own personal interests but also for my fellow Maori students who like myself have been left wondering.

I must admit that my attempts to contact them have all been in vain as their office phone number (as listed in the Uni’s phonebook) has been ‘cut off’ and that by the looks of the messages left on KA’s office door it too has been left ‘high and dry’.

What’s going on?! It is because of these kind of situations you hear the “bloody Maori” saying...

There has been mentionings of a meeting to discuss KA’s future however a date for this has not manifested... Fair enough if there is new management trying to ‘fix’ their predecessors mistakes, but open it up, make KA transparent to the people. The silence is only feeding and encouraging the seeds of doubt planted in my mind and a few other Maori students.

It was my understanding that KA was meant to be a Maori support organisation, but how can you be this and help us when you are invisible?

Gins Congrats Gins, you get a free $5 voucher for use at Campus Kiosk up at the Cowshed.

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Tired of religious harassment on campus?

Spirituality is a powerful force for good and freedom of religion is a right to be upheld on campus. However, harassment of any kind is unwelcome and unacceptable.

For the university to act, complaints about people harassing students to join their religious groups need to be received and documented by the WSU, the chaplain or by contacting Bethea Weir at Student Services.

As the chaplain my job is to uphold life’s spiritual dimension and to be a resource person for those for whom spirituality or religion is an important part of their life. This does not mean supporting anyone who uses harassing or forceful techniques to share their beliefs. I’d be glad to hear from anyone who has had unwanted experiences of being bothered by people promoting religion on campus.

Jemma Allen

chaplain@waikato.ac.nz The Rev. Jemma Allen Ecumenical Chaplain University of Waikato

Marketing Dpt Sucks Dear Editor, I am writing today to express my outrage at a policy bought in this year by the marketing department of the mgt school.

Despite material released by the mgt school on criteria required previous to enrolling in Waikato’s famous 499 program (a compulsory paper for the BMS degree) at least 30 students including myself that are enrolled in the B semester paper have had our applications rejected. Surely you may think that the reason for this is unsatisfactory project applications? However you and I are grossly incorrect, we have been rejected on a mere technical error. Regardless that the 499 office states in its information start guide under the heading ‘am I eligible to begin?’ the requirements for the 499 and I quote, ‘students may enrol in their 499 in anticipation of successfully completing their Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

Send letters to nexus@waikato.ac.nz, or drop into the box at WSU reception

by Tuesday 5pm each week. Letter of the week wins a $5 voucher for Campus Kiosk – free snacks, guys! last compulsory paper.’ (I might also add that the papers I am awaiting results on are not compulsory papers), this year students are informed that no, our passing results from semester A must be in before we are accepted to the 499 program. What does this mean? We need to withdraw and enrol in summer school! Implications of this? NO April graduation and NO Student Allowance!

For students such as myself this is ridiculous to be held back for a technical reason. I am an angry student! Marketing department,, my message to you, you suck!

Sincerely, Unfairly Treated Student.

Bum deal Yo nexus Your shiny paper looks great but I can’t wipe my bum with it as good any more.

Love, Dave

Xbox Talk reply I agree with your letter about the 360 being shot out so early. Unfortunately, it seems to be a rule that 4-6 years is ample time for a console overhaul (PS1-PS2, Xbox-360, N64GC). My opinion is that consoles are nicer than PC because you have less to fiddle with and it’s generally cheaper.

Matt Following letters courtesy of www.htown. co.nz:

Hilarious Dear Nexus, Hur hur. Huuuur Hur. Huuuuuuuurhurhurhurrrrrrhur.

Kind Regards, Jemima Pistlethwaite’s Gran

A Doube-ious Letter Dear Nexus, Jemima Pistlethwaite’s grandma needs to

Lettuce get a life. She insinuates that Lord Nelson was a prude, but he was in fact a very horny old sailor and buggered very many young cabin boys in his time. I know this from personal experience, but have since resigned myself to a life of painful obscurity, mainly whilst seated.

I would also like to tell your readers about a home remedy for hemorrhoids that I found right under my nose! My moustache definitely did the trick. Anyone who would like me to rub their anus with my facial hair can contact me at thegills@yahoo.com Yours, Bryce

The Hilarious Truth

pile/hemorroid debate? Week in week out we get nothing but poorly written, petty and spiteful attacks between these two factions.

The average student does not care about the state of student anal health, unless it’s their own.

I dream of the day when the pile gang and the ‘roid crew can get together over a nice warm enema and have a good rummage together, as equals, as friends. Until then I think Nexus should stop encouraging this frivolous alimentary to-ing and fro-ing and focus on much more important issues. Like titties. Jiggling titties. Covered in condensed milk and hundreds and thousands.

With love, Spackman O’Mario.

Dear Nexus, The public needs to know that Bryce’s ‘tache doesn’t cure piles. However, it does feel goooooood. Hur hur. Huuuur Hur. Huuuuuuuurhurhurhurrrrrrhur.

Kind Regards, Jemima Pistlethwaite’s Gran’s Anus

LOL Burn Dear Nexus, How do you spell ‘Fluoride’?

Yours sincerely, Hon. Annette King

Just go to your family doctor, already!

Dear Nexus, In the last few letters I was offended by the insufficient distinction that was drawn between piles and hemorrhoids. Are they not different things? I am now facing a choice of herbal remedies for either or both of these problems and I feel I should be properly informed of this! I feel I should be properly informed of the clinic trials that have been undergone regarding the use of Bryces moustache as a cure for such ailments to!!!!!!

Yours Itchily and Uncomfortably Anal Retentive Person

Who knows?

Dear Nexus, can we please get over this constant

Opinion:

Cry me a river

BY NICK MAARHUIS It seems like everyone wants to have a moan about how much petrol is costing these days, although many of the same people will happily pay the equivalent of up to $4 a litre for bottled water that’s been pumped out of the ground somewhere an hour up the road.

All these moaners should cry me a river, build a dam, and generate power to run a fleet of electric buses and trains for their sorry selves. Sure, a rise in petrol prices will cost the public more to get from a to b, and the cost of almost everything you buy will also be going up in price as a consequence, but I’m a glass-half-full kind of guy, so lets look at some of the benefits of this sad situation.

They say ‘time is money’, well, the more petrol goes up, the more people will have to take alternative means of transport.

Essentially this means decreasing traffic levels, so you’ll spend less of your valuable time in your car. Having fewer cars around is good for other reasons too, such as the first ones to be put to rest will be clapped out old vehicles, so there’ll be less smoky diesels on the road. Not only this, but there will be less geriatrics behind the wheel, as many pensions will not have allowance for large petrol bills. Less old people on the roads is something I’m looking forward to.

Students will be hit hard too, but for those Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

who can afford to drive, parking at uni will be plentiful.

As petrol prices increase, more people will decide to walk, or ride a bike, thereby helping to reduce the obesity ‘epidemic’ we apparently have.

New Zealand roads will become safer, as less people will chose to buy SUVs and large cars, and with less people driving, there will be less accidents, less drink driving and fewer inexperienced drivers behind the wheels of (petrol thirsty) high performance cars such as turbos, V8s, and rotaries.

Another bonus is our very average public transport system should improve as more people use it to save money over driving.

Increased fuel prices will make buying NZ made or grown products more popular, as imported goods become more expensive from increased freight costs.

Lastly, it’s likely that motor-sport will become more popular. With car prices dropping from decreased demand, very fast cars will be available cheap, so those with money can have themselves a toy for the weekend.

In summary, less traffic, more car parks, a healthier society, and cheaper cars. The future all looks fantastic. If only it wasn’t for the view from the seat of a bus.

Lettuce Policy

Nexus welcomes and encourages debate through the letters pages — serious or otherwise. Letters should be no more than 250 words and received by 5pm on the Tuesday before publication. All letters will generally be printed so give it a bash, but the editor retains the right to abridge or refuse correspondence.

Bad spelling and grammar will not be corrected — proof it yourself or you’ll look dumb. Pseudonyms are acceptable but all letters must include your real name and contact details even if you don’t want them printed. We discourage the use of pseudonyms for serious letters.

Send letters to nexus@waikato.ac.nz, or drop into the box at WSU reception

by Tuesday 5pm each week. Letter of the week wins a $5 voucher for Campus Kiosk – free snacks, guys!

15

Engine Talk

“...If you’d done the ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’ thing, you would’ve spent in the range of $1200 to $1500 for all that work, at least.”

I thought I’d have a shot at writing an article about a breakdown. People take their motors for granted day in and day out, and when it decides not to work any more, people take them in to get fixed without even knowing what’s wrong with it. What’s more, people don’t think this is wrong!

So you’re driving to work one day in your ‘92 Camry, and all of a sudden the car violently shakes and shudders. You can feel the car slowing down as if it were motor braking. Pumping the accelerator isn’t making any difference, so you whack it back into fourth, to find it just engine brakes more. So you pull off to the side of the road when you get an opportunity, to find the car dies just as you’re pulling off, and you’re left stopped in a dangerous position on the roadside. You try to restart the car but it just winds, it won’t fire. You try to push it off the road and it seems really heavy, but you manage to do it. So now what? What do you do?

There are a few options. What I’d expect to be most popular is just to ring the AA Roadside Rescue guys, they’d come out and have a look, then find that it’s too hard and offer you a ride to somewhere nearby that you can get help from, and tow your car either to a garage or to somewhere nearby. This is a good option if you don’t know anything about cars and have a lot of money to spend paying a mechanic and auto-electrician to fix your car over the duration of about two to three weeks.

Of course, this isn’t the most wallet-friendly option. The cheapest way is not to pay anyone, which means doing it yourself. Under the bonnet, there isn’t anything that jumps out at you. No oil anywhere, no steam or any of that stereotypical stuff. You try starting the car again to find nothings changed, it still just winds but won’t fire. This usually means it’s not getting any spark, so first thing is to check the HT-leads (those thick leads that run across the motor) and make sure they’re a) on, and b) don’t have any breaks in them. As a general rule, the car would still run on three if one of the HTs was broken. But you find

16

that they’re all intact and on. You wiggle the HTs, the dizzy and coil, alternator and EFI housing, and try to start it again, but still nothing.

So about now, you get your mate to tow it back to your house for you, and you give him $10 gas money.

So here’s your Camry, pretty well screwed over, sitting in your garage. The only thing to do now is to try to replacing components.

You try taking the spark plugs out and they all look fine, but you decide to run a spark test on them anyway (turning the motor over and seeing if it sparks to an earth). Upon testing, you find the spark is irregular, but there definitely is spark present, which means the distributors working. Off goes the top of the cam-belt cover, as you suspect it might have jumped a tooth. Still seems alright.

So its time to try replacing some components; you get a distributor and coil, ECU, and fuses and other little bits and pieces from a wreckers. So you try the parts, and success - your car runs again.

What it turns out to be is the distributor has twisted inside itself, a rather rare thing to happen. But with your skill, you only spent about $70 on bits for it, and really you only needed to spend $20 if you knew it was the dizzy from the start. But if you’d done the “I don’t know what I’m doing” thing, you would’ve spent in the range of $1200 to $1500 for all that work, at least.

So the question has been asked; why wouldn’t you take the liberty of learning a bit about your car when it could save you so much money?

A bit of know-how can get you out of a sticky situation. A distributor twisting in on itself is fairly rare, but it happened to me (in an ‘87 Celica), and it can still be tracked down in a fairly straightforward manner. And that applies for all the easy fixes too, like blown hoses and cooked spark plugs. It’s really in your best interest to learn a bit about your car. If you don’t do anything on the weekends, why not learn how to service your own car; it’s not hard. Change the oil with engine flush, do the filters, do the belts if they’re due, etc. Takes a bit of time, but if you agree that time is cheaper than taking it in and getting some bum mechanic to do it for you, then you’re on the track to saving dollars.

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

5 Qs, Answer or die!

THE QUESTIONS Name/Superhero name

BY HANNAH

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

What did you get up to in your holidays?

How much chocolate did you eat?

How many people did you score (if not, why not?)

What’s your best girl/guy attracting feature?

What’s your opinion on Civil Unions?

THE SUBJECTS Bonnie/Couch Girl

1. Sleep, drink, watch TV, sleep, drink, watch TV..

2. Umm… 3. Weeee (It rhymes with 3. Let’s say 3).

4. Looks and personality 5. Don’t really care, good on them

Ali/Super Ali

1. Boxing, and went to Wi’s party 2. 4 bars (I eat everything) 3. 3 4. Anything, no problems 5. I don’t like!

Jade/ Cork Girl 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Sleep, shopping, watch TV, drink, sleep…sleep..

I don’t eat chocolate - it doesn’t help my complexion, haha.

Nobody – I’m not single!

Fat or skinny (?)

They make sex look yuck

99 not 69/Agent 99 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Wi’s groovy party 1 mini easter egg Still to be confirmed (top secret) Cool pickup lines, raising of eyebrows Sweet as

Pablo/Super Pablo

1. Joined TTP, Hukatai 2. 1 bar every 2 weeks 3. 5 in a week 4. Dark hair (butt) 5. No problem, their problem (but don’t like)

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

17

Artshole

THURSDAYS IN BLACK: DEMANDING A WORLD WITHOUT RAPE AND VIOLENCE POSTER IMAGERY COMPETITION

BY JENNIFER JONES

National Women’s Rights Officer, NZUSA

We are looking to redesign our Thursdays in Black campaign posters, and want YOU to be involved! We need a new design/image/ artwork that is inspiring, community focused, and appropriate for the campaign message.

The campaign is run at tertiary institutions around Aotearoa/New Zealand by women in local Students’ Associations (the Tertiary Women’s Focus Group), and aims to raise awareness of issues such as rape, violence and discrimination in our community. It is an Aotearoa/New Zealand version of Women

in Black – an international anti-war human rights campaign.

We are therefore running a competition to find an appropriate image or new design.

We want invite you to submit work to be considered for the campaign. Our campaign is bilingual and so we encourage posters in Te Reo. We also have a focus on homophobia and discrimination, so the poster could focus on this.

The poster can be full colour, two colour or black and white – it’s up to you. You can provide an image, or a fully designed poster. If you want to include writing, the following must be included: Thursdays in Black – demanding a world without rape and violence. Brought to you by the Tertiary Women’s Focus Group and NZUSA You can also include other information taken from the Campaign Kit, or can make

up a slogan. A previous slogan has been the deepest scars are those we cannot see.

The top designs will be taken to the national women’s conference of NZUSA on June 28 for the Tertiary Women’s Focus Group to collectively decide which to use. The winner will get their design/image used in the campaign, and will receive a $50 Gordon Harris token (or similar). The two runners up will get $20 tokens.

If you are interested in please contact the Campaign Coordinator and National Women’s Rights Officer. We can supply a campaign kit for more information on request.

Post a disc, CD or hard copy to NWRO, PO Box 101-91, Wellington or email PDF file to nwro@students.org.nz. Entries due by 1 June, 2006, 5pm.

ARTS NOTICEBOARD Platform 01 currently has a show running by Wanganui artist Bernadette Ballantyne who was the winner of the 2005 Mazda Emerging Artist Award. For her latest series, ‘Under’, Bernadette explores the myths of water, its relationship to the body and underwater life.

To help put on this great show Platform received generous support from the Hamilton Community Arts Council - thanks Guys! The show runs till May 20. Platform 01 is located at Room one, level two, 467 VICTORIA STREET, Hamilton. Open hours: Tues-Fri 11AM-3PM & Sat 10AM–1PM. www. platform01.org.nz Free Concerts By Uni Students At The Museum!

What: Musical Feast - Lunchtime

concerts at the Museum Where: Waikato Museum, 1 Grantham

Street, Hamilton When: Thurs 4 May, 12.10 -12.50pm A chance to hear a stunning range of music from Waikato University Music Students at the Waikato Museum. For more information phone 838 6533.

Musikmakers have The Mikado running from now until the 13th May, with matinees on the 6th and 13th. Come along and catch

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this Gilbert and Sullivan favourite (with a few subtle changes) Cost: Adult: $22, Senior: $18, Child $12, Matinee: $18, Dinner (Fri/ Sat): $25. www.musikmakers.org.nz

The Dunedin Fringe Festival is an openaccess Festival seeking artists to register new and innovative art work for the Festival programme. The Fringe Festival is the ideal forum for artists who are passionate and Exhibition – ‘A Tale to Tell’ committed to their work and want to showcase At Waikato Museum until the 15th October. to a wider audience or tour an existing work It’s free (koha optional) and covers Victorian to a well-attended and dynamic Festival. For Narratives from the Auckland Art Gallery. more information: www.dunedinfringe.org. www.waikatomuseum.org.nz nz, Paul Smith, Director - 03 477 3350, 021 150 9207, info@dunedinfringe.org.nz Wanna be in a play?

Playbox theatre is holding auditions for The Magic of Margo - Mirth, Music and ‘Things We Do For Love’ on Sunday 14th Mayhem is Margo O’Mahony’s one-woman May. It’s a comedy written by Alan Ayckbourn. comedy show. She is accompanied by David Season 9 to 23 Sept 06. 2 males, 2 females. O’Brien, and there will be an exhibition of For more information: Steve Grounds: 0274 artworks. 20% of each work sold going to 966 757, a/h 827 5440, steve.grounds@ Child Cancer and CanTeen.

Where: Riverlea Theatre, Riverlea Road, resultsmanagement.co.nz

Hamilton When: 18, 19, 20 May, 8pm; Matinee 21 Dunedin Fringe Festival - Artist May 2pm Registrations $ 20 evening shows, $ 12 Cost: matinee If you have a kickass idea for a show or act and want to showcase it, don’t put it off For more information: Bookings: 0800 800 any longer. The renowned Dunedin Fringe 192, or call Helen Oliver 855-6479 Festival artist registrations are open now.

The festival happens in Dunedin, 22 Sept to Got arts news? Send it to nexus@waikato.

8 Oct 2006. Grant Applications close 15 ac.nz. Cheers to HCAC for much of this May and all Registrations close 26 May info.

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

Jerk Jokes Think you can do better? Send your jokes to nexus@waikato.ac.nz

A motorway walks into a pub. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down, when in walks a strip of asphalt.

The motorway sees the asphalt and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won’t see him. The barman looks down at him and says, “What’s the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You’ve got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a little piece of asphalt?

The motorway replies, “You don’t know him like I do.

He’s a cyclepath.”

A lady walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender. “A lime rickey, please” answers the lady.

While the barman is away mixing the drink, the lady hears this low voice near her right ear, “Oh girl, you are beautiful!” She looks around, but the bar is almost deserted. She looks down at the bar and sees that the noise is coming from the bowl of pretzels! “Oh yeah, you are BEAUTIFUL!” they say. “Whatever! She’s more than beautiful, she is GORGEOUS!” comes this higher voice near her left ear. She turns and notices the voice is coming from the bowl of salted peanuts! “Oh my, you are GORGEOUS!” they say. When the bartender comes back with the lady’s drink, she says “I don’t know if you know already, but your snacks are talking to me!”

To which the barkeep replys, “Well, of course they are! After all, they are complimentary.”

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

Contributed by Gary Oliver

Contributed by Angus Macpherson

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. “If you win, you’re entitled to free sex,” said the attendant. “How do we enter?” asked the first man.

“Well, I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex.” “O.K. I guess 7, “ said the first man. “Sorry, I was thinking of 8,” replied the attendant.

“Come back soon and try again” The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the

second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. “Sure,” replied the attendant. “I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right you win free sex.”

“2” said the second man. “Sorry, I was thinking of 3,” replied the attendant. “Come back soon and try again.”

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man, “You know, I’m beginning to think this contest is rigged.”

“No way,” said the second man. “My wife won twice last week.”

This week’s winner of a Rialto pass is Gary Contributed by C.C. Oliver. Give him some competition and send us your jokes for the next issue!

Nexus Competition – Guess The Contributor!

Who is the mysterious somebody snuggling up with the Orcon girls at the Armageddon expo, and what do they do for Nexus each week? First person to guess right wins a Muse - Absolution Tour DVD, a couple of Rialto passes, a copy of Back 2 Basics magazine, a $5 voucher for Campus Kiosk and anything else we pick up in the meantime. Entrants are limited to 3 guesses each and should email these to nexus@waikato.ac.nz. Feel free to take a stab in the dark.

Clue: The person is a regular Nexus contributor, and hasn’t missed an issue since s/he started. They may or may not be a true blonde.We will accept either their name or the name of their contribution.

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

19

First Comes Love,

Then Comes…

Civil Union Ceremony 1 Year Of ‘Cupping’

BY DAWN TUFFERY It’s been just over a year since the highly debated Civil Unions Act was passed in NZ. Nexus looks at how it’s affected people and whether it’s working out as originally intended.

Let’s start with the local angle. Kelly Cunningham is a great goalie for the Unicol first XI. Along with partner Lif, she was one of the first people to celebrate a civil union in Hamilton.

‘So how’s Civil Unionised life?’ doesn’t yet have a great ring to it, but I ask anyway. All good really, says Kelly. ‘Nothing much has really changed as we were already living together and had been for a few years. It was just really about having that celebration of our love and public commitment in front of loved ones and recognising our relationship legally. Life has carried on as normal.’

The actual Civil Union ceremony was more about covering the legalities for Lif and Kelly, as they’d already had what they considered their wedding a few weeks before - planned well in advance of the civil union legislation going through. ‘Mostly it was just “rubber stamping” for us - the legal procedure so we could have our civil union rights’ says Kelly.

Due to being so quick off the mark registering their civil union, Kelly and Lif unwittingly became local poster girls for the legislation when the Waikato Times published their story and photo on the front page.

Cunningham says the couple have been fortunate to have had no negative reactions to their Civil Union and the ensuing publicity.

‘Some people have recognised us and said

20

congratulations. The only real problems we had were from the local paper who would not leave us alone. Everyone else has been great and we realise how lucky we are to have that support, especially from friends and family where it is most important. In the long run those are the people who matter to us and whose opinion we care about.’

Many people have had equally positive experiences conducting their civil unions since the Act was passed. Website GayNZ. com has been running a series of ‘civil union portraits’ and after reading these, it seems these individuals have found the experience rewarding. Participants have found ways to both emulate and distinguish their ceremonies from the heterosexual norm, building personal and imaginative ways to mark the occasion. For instance, one couple preferred not to have the usual ‘flower girl’ and organised a granddaughter to be a ‘bubble girl’ instead. However, they did go semi-traditional for the honeymoon with a car full of balloons and Lindauer, and a night in a hotel suite. Not everybody takes a copy of the ‘Lesbian Kama Sutra’ along, though.

The Figures Since the Civil Unions Act was passed on April 26 last year, roughly 460 couples have chosen to have a civil union. 178 of these were male-male, 199 female-female and 81 were heterosexual unions. When compared to over 20,000 marriages, this is a relatively small number. Critics of the bill have seized on this as an example of why the legislation is unnecessary.

Bill English told Anna Claridge from The Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

Participants have found ways to both emulate and distinguish their ceremonies from the heterosexual norm, building personal and imaginative ways to mark the occasion.

Press that he was not surprised by the low uptake figures and believed the legislation was merely symbolism. “I don’t think there was ever an overwhelming demand for it and it was much more political symbolism for gay activists than anything else.”

An article on stuff.co.nz quoted marriage celebrants as being surprised by the low turnout, and stated that some would not be reapplying for the separate licenses.

However, there should still be plenty of options to choose from for intending couples – there are currently 96 celebrants registered to perform civil unions in the wider Waikato area.

Maxim Institute CEO, Greg Fleming also cited the low uptake numbers in a press release on the anniversary of the Act’s passing, claiming they demonstrated that “the existing law is not meeting the needs of many New Zealanders and should be amended”.

Nexus asked Maxim’s Communications Manager Amanda McGrail to clarify the Institute’s position on the Civil Union Act. What are the main problems Maxim sees?

“Because the Civil Union Act is based on the Marriage Act, it excludes people in committed, but platonic, relationships, who would also value the certainty of a legally registered relationship. The companion Relationships [statutory references] Act has also eroded the special status marriage has in our laws, by extending to de facto and civil union relationships, virtually all the rights and responsibilities of marriage.”

The Maxim press release states that “there is certainly a need for an opt-in

Feature

“The Civil Unions we have participated in as celebrants and as guests have been truly memorable and meaningful occasions” Rev Dr Margaret Mayman registered relationship which has clear legal rights, but it should not mimic marriage as a civil union does, as this is inappropriate for many people”. Who are the main groups or individuals who have found the legislation inappropriate? “People who would like to register their relationship for legal certainty, but are not interested in the marriage-like ceremony,’ says McGrail. ‘E.g, two elderly sisters or close companions who would like to be recognised as next-of-kin… anecdotally, there is clear demand for this type of option.”

New Zealand – More Civil (Unions) Than Norway Although the ‘low’ numbers of people getting civil unions gave a few newspapers breathless headlines, 460 is only slightly under the initial estimates of ‘500 per annum’ in the Government Civil Union Bill proposal presented to Cabinet.

Hardly a major difference, and, compared to other countries adopting similar policies, not too shabby. The Campaign for Civil Unions says that the uptake of civil unions in New Zealand is higher, at 115 per million people, than other countries, in the first year since the legislation passed. NZ is well ahead of Denmark (84), Sweden (37), Norway (35), but behind the Netherlands where uptake was 191 per million for the first year. The campaign’s spokesperson Michael Wallmannsberger expects the numbers to grow.

Aside from the predictable objectors, many people are now accepting civil unions as a natural part of our society. Even some Christian groups are supporting the legislation. The Rev Hugh Kempster from Grey Lynn’s St Columba Anglican Church told the NZ Herald last month he was ‘angry’ that he was unable to conduct civil union ceremonies in the church, given that there were a high number of gay and lesbian people in the congregation. Mr Kempster believes the decision on the civil union issue should be left up to individual parishes, and that unless something is done homosexuals will be driven to the ‘fringes of the church’.

There has also been support from other Christian sectors. Members of the “Christians for Civil Unions” network, which

advocated for the passage of the legislation, are ‘delighted with a wonderful first year of Civil Unions’ and a number of their members are Christian ministers, gay and straight, who have become Civil Union celebrants.

“The Civil Unions we have participated in as celebrants and as guests have been truly memorable and meaningful occasions,” says Rev Dr Margaret Mayman, minister of the Presbyterian Church, St Andrew’s on The Terrace, in a press release from the group.

“We campaigned because this was a human rights issue and human rights are never an issue of numbers. However, we are sure that many more people than the four hundred and sixty couples who have had civil unions have benefited.”

The Civil Unions Act was always more about principle than numbers. Many participants have been eager to register their partnership even if it means they’re entitled to less money, for instance. Tauranga’s Colin Hewens and partner Steve Richards told the Manawatu Standard their December union was ‘well worth it’, despite Mr Hewens losing $74 a fortnight from his superannuation.

But Why Not Marriage?

There are still some principles in question.

While some question the relevance of the Bill due to the uptake numbers or suggest amendments, others ask why the separation from ‘marriage’ is necessary at all. Ruth Busch, an associate professor at Waikato’s School of Law, believes that the Civil Unions Act is more like a ‘booby prize’ than a true progression towards equality. ‘I think gays and lesbians want to be equal… To me, the Civil Unions Act sends a message that [those] relationships are less than heterosexual relationships, worthy only of a “civil union”, preserving the “main prize” of marriage for heterosexuals.’

‘I guess a lot of lesbians and gays don’t want to collude in their own oppression; they want to be equal in society, having full human rights, one of which is to be able to have the state recognise their relationships.’

However, Busch reminds people that going to the full extent and allowing gay marriage isn’t such a far-fetched option either.

‘Marriage for gays and lesbians already exists throughout Canada, in Massachusetts Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

(US), in Spain, in Belgium, in the Netherlands.

It’s not exactly a novel concept any more and strangely enough, none of those societies have come crumbling apart because of the extension of full human rights to lesbians and gays in relationships. In my opinion, gays and lesbians in New Zealand should hold out for nothing less.’

WSU Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender (GLBT) officer Megan Moffet agrees with this, at least in theory. ‘When idea first came up I was against it because it did feel like a less important form of relationship in comparison to marriage.’

‘Then I attended a conference where Georgina Beyer gave a very passionate speech that changed my views substantially. I still believe that gay marriage should be legal, however, I am rational enough to see that this is not going to happen any time soon and the Civil Unions Act fills a very important place in society in the meantime’ Megan has had good feedback from the GLBT students she represents about the Bill.

‘Most people are really positive about the changes and it is seen as a viable option for the future.’

“Wanna get cupped?”

Talking the Civil Union language Civil Unions have added now their bit to general parlance. Instead of getting ‘married’ or ‘hitched’ people can now speak of getting ‘cupped’, with the word coming from an abbreviation of ‘Civil Union Partner’.

GayNZ.com has also fielded concerns from individuals worried about the ‘cold and bureaucratic’ sound of ‘civil union ceremony’ on invitations when compared to ‘wedding’. Suggestions range from the smartass ‘We’re getting civilised’ to the more elegant ‘Come and witness our life partnership ceremony’. Each to their own.

According to Megan Moffet, the terms ‘bride’ and ‘groom’ should not be used, as they are part of standard marriage vocabulary. Not even ‘you may kiss the groom?’ then? Guess not.

21

Feature

De Facto of De Matter How much do you know about de facto law? About 1 in 3 men and women aged 15-44 in partnerships are not legally married, and de facto unions outnumber marriages for those under 25 (http://www2. stats.govt.nz/).

Basically, there are fairly high odds you or your friends might be shacking up with someone without doing the whole meringue dress ‘I do’ deal. And if this has lasted more than 3 years and been in the nature of marriage (details below), you’re seen as ‘married’ under relationship law. Congratulations!

This has more implications than merely breaking out some champagne, though.

Let’s say you’ve just taken ownership of a 50 acre family farm. You’ve been living with your boyfriend Jim for a while now – about 3 years.

The relationship hasn’t really felt right since last Christmas when you caught him with your cousin, but you haven’t bothered kicking him out. When you see him casting longing looks at the cows in the back field, you finally snap.

Jim responds by successfully persuading the authorities he should get 25 acres of the farm and disappears, exceedingly well off.

It does happen. If you don’t have a farm, watch out for your car, TV, or the possibility of having to pay half your partner’s student loan.

GLBT Officer Megan Moffet does some digging on de facto law.

Can you outline how the Civil Unions act provides for de facto couples?

Gay and straight de facto couples are seen as the same under the law. After 3 years in a relationship “in the nature of marriage” you are seen as married under all relationship law, except that the Bill also does not amend apparently discriminatory laws where they can be justified. For example, registrars must currently record a deceased person’s marital status, but not whether they were in a de facto relationship. This provision enables surviving spouses to prove they are legally free to remarry. Entering a de facto relationship does not require this proof. Consequently de facto couples face no adverse discrimination from this provision and it is not being extended.

What legislation does the Civil Unions

22

Act amend?

The Bill amends over 1,000 provisions across more than 100 separate statutes covering a range of subject areas including commerce, education, health, taxation and social assistance.

Why are de facto couples included as they have made a decision not to formalise their relationship?

Including de facto couples in the Bill is necessary to remove risks that laws are discriminatory on the basis of relationship status. De facto couples are already recognised in many statutes. However, people in a stable and long-term de facto relationship would generally be surprised to learn of the limits on their ability to make decisions for each other. In addition, vulnerable people in de facto relationships currently receive only limited protection.

Most of the amendments extend a benefit to de facto couples. Any negative impacts for de facto couples occur where an advantage they currently receive over married couples is being removed.

What constitutes a de facto relationship?

For the main purposes of the PRA, a de facto relationship exists only when both parties are aged at least 18 and they are living together as a couple but are not married to each other.

The issue of whether there is a de facto relationship in terms of the PRA and the date that it began will be questions for a court to decide if necessary. In deciding, the court will consider all the relevant circumstances, which may include: · The length of the relationship; · The extent to which you shared a home; · The degree to which your finances were

merged; · Whether you had a sexual relationship; · How you cared for and supported any

children either of you had; · Who performed household duties; · Your mutual commitment to a shared

life; · Whether others saw you as a couple It is often difficult to determine when a relationship ceases being of the girlfriend/ boyfriend type and becomes de facto. If you Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

think your relationship could be classified as de facto and you do not want this law to apply to you, then you will need to contract out of it.

What about people who are flatting together?

As the above factors indicate, people can flat together without their relationship being deemed de facto in terms of this legislation.

However, if people who live together and share costs develop a sexual relationship, they may be classified as de facto. Both their assets and their debts (possibly including student loans) would be shared equally if their relationship lasts three years or more.

The only way to avoid that is for them to make a contracting-out agreement. This could be quite simple, merely providing that they will each keep their own existing assets and be responsible for their own current debts, but if it is intended to cover all eventualities it will necessarily be more complex (and more expensive).

Parents may lend property to their children when they go flatting. It is a good idea to record any such arrangements in writing to avoid them being caught up in any future PRA claim.

The above information is from before the legislation came in but it is still relevant. The previous lack of legal recognition for many non-married couples has led to difficulties; in some instances partners of many years are treated as legal strangers.

The Human Rights Amendment Act 2001 requires government activities to comply with the anti-discrimination standards set out in the New Zealand Bill of Rights Act 1990. The prohibited grounds of discrimination include marital status and sexual orientation.

The Government’s objective is to have neutral laws on relationships that apply across the board, whether those relationships are marriages, de facto relationships, or samesex relationships. As a result of this Bill, the same legal rights and responsibilities will apply to married, de facto (whether opposite or same sex), and civil union relationships.

People’s choices and relationships will be protected, and legislation will be amended so that it does not unjustifiably discriminate on the basis of marital status and sexual orientation.

“The Second Oldest Profession”

Politics

BY CHRIS GRENFELL

The cost of petrol is becoming a bit of a headache for the average student who lives just outside of walking distance of uni or who has to get to their job so they can afford to put gas in their car.

The change in the cost of gas seems to have no understandable formula as to how it is calculated or how it moves. The government has recently announced the possibility of introducing a levy on high consumption vehicles or a cash grant on efficient vehicles.

Is this a good idea? Wouldn’t the money be better spent on an integrated and efficient public transport system?

Of course this might not work all over

New Zealand and that might be a terminal stumbling block but surely if local and regional government work together an efficient and ‘cool’ public transport system could ensue?

Conspiracy theorists believe that there is a cheap alternative to petroleum fuel but that it has been suppressed by the government.

Whether you believe this or not it raises the question as to who has what to lose if such a technology is uncovered.

Ultimately the cost of gas is set to go up even higher in the near future. Now is the time to plan the fastest walking route to uni… unless there is an alternative?

News in Briefs David Parker Returns As I predicted (although a little sooner than anticipated) David Parker has been cleared by the Companies Office of any wrongdoing and has been sworn back into cabinet. His duties have been lessened. He will not return as Attorney-General at this stage as there is still the troublesome issue of the complaint to the Law Society which needs to be dealt with.

I want my MTV It looks like we might be getting crystal clear reception of “Dancing with the Stars” as the Government has asked TVNZ to explore a cooperative approach with other broadcasters to make the transition to digital broadcasting. Broadcast Minister Steve Maharey said this week that TVNZ has brought together a group of free-to-air broadcasters to develop proposals for a jointly run digital platform called ‘Freeview’ - based on the successful BBC-led model featuring a package of existing channels and new services.

The government, having identified digital broadcasting as a priority, is expected to consider proposals in the next couple of months with a view to

shifting to digital starting later in the year.

Steve Maharey said the government would continue to prioritise development of TVNZ as a public broadcaster.

Stop, Drop, and…..put down my slippers Stan!

A major new classroom initiative to help kids survive a disaster was launched by Civil Defence Minister Rick Barker this week.

Fronted by a cartoon dog character Stan, the curriculum based teaching programme, ‘What’s the Plan Stan?’ uses role-playing, quizzes, an interactive CDROM, stories and colourful cartoons to deliver messages about preparing for tsunamis, earthquakes and floods.

Bigger than the student hub?

In his role as Courts Minister, Rick Barker this week unveiled a high-level design concept for a purpose-built home for the Supreme Court.

Creating a permanent home for the highest court in New Zealand was an important development in the continued strengthening of New Zealand’s national identity, he said.

The design concept proposes developing vacant land adjacent to the existing Old Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

“President Bush’s approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive.

A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he’s being doing.” Jon Stewart High Court building, building a new lowrise building and full restoration of the Old High Court building with a link between the two buildings and landscaped grounds for public use. Detailed design options will be presented to Cabinet by 31 August 2006.

The Supreme Court replaced the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council in London as New Zealand’s highest court on 1 January 2004.

That’s a lot of dosh to grow carrots with no pesticides!

A $2.2 million three-year funding programme to set up an organics advisory service was announced by Agriculture Minister Jim Anderton and Green Party Organics spokesperson Sue Kedgley this week. The programme, which will provide research and advice to farmers converting to organic production, meets a post-election agreement between Labour and the Greens.

Jim Anderton said organics had developed a niche and was becoming an increasingly realistic option for farmers looking for alternative markets.

23

GIG GUIDE Monday 8th May WSU Celebrate NZ Music Month with on campus gigs or busking opportunities Today: Carl Watkins plays at the banks (lunchtime)

Blink has come along way from putting on shows with makeshift venues and last minute audiences. He even stopped bringing bands to Hamilton for while but this year he is back with a vengeance of rock.

Tuesday 9th May

Tuesday May 16th

Come and busk at the banks, or support your friends (lunchtime)

The eavesdrop listening party If you are interested in previewing new music by awesome bands head along to the Eavesdrop Listening Party at The Wine Cellar (St Kevin’s Arcade, K Rd, Auckland) from 711pm.

Wednesday 10th May

join the Rinky Dinks in another year of mayhem. Drink specials and spot prizes to be announced at opening night. Fat Bellies, Hood Street, Hamilton.

Zebra Jazz band Zebra play at The Cook, Cook Street, Hamilton East every Wednesday night from 8pm.

A

Streetwise Scarlet Pop punk bands Streetwise Scarlet, Mumsdollar and Quarter2 are playing at the Kings Arms, Princes Street, Auckland. $8.

A

Aether, live at the banks (lunchtime).

Thursday 11th May More lunchtime busking – come and give it a go!

Hamilton Film Society Hamilton Film Society meets at 8pm every Tuesday at Victoria Cinema. Intending members can sign up on screening nights or call Andrea Haines on 839-5932. Student subscriptions are $85 full year or $45 half year. 3-screening Flexi tickets are also available for $25.

Friday 12th May The Shrugs (TBC), lunchtime at the banks.

Evening - MSU, Don Llewellyns.

A Low Hum presents... (see p46) Disasteradio, Kill Surf City, Voom and local popsters Dynamo Go @ Ward Lane, Friday 12th May.

Wednesday May 17th Open Mic Night Open Mic Night is happening every Wednesday from 9:30pm till late. Guitars, mics, and drum kit provided, so gather up as much talent as you can muster, and

htown.co.nz

Contact 88.1

Discover your inner forum-troll on this Hamilton online forum

Student radio at its most student-y.

Play more MSU you jammy bastards!

F www.htown.co.nz 24

F www.contact.co.nz Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

Thursday May 18th Wish For Wings, Antagonist, Second Theory, Fever Lake, Cold By Winter @ King’s Arms Tavern, Auckland (R18) A

The Rabble Punk rockers The Rabble are playing with the Suicide Dogs and Badtown at 4:20, Auckland 8pm (R18) A

Moggs (San Francisico) The Moggs are playing with, one of my personal favourite bands, Teenwolf and The Blunts at the Schooner Tavern in Auckland A

Wowee Zowee Online indie music store! Buy the Contact FM hits here

F www.woweezowee.co.nz

COMPLIED

BY MAZZY

Auckland gigs are noted with this icon: a

A

Friday May 19th

Saturday May 20th

1QA(Melbourne), Shaky Hands, The New Caledonia @ Sohl, Fri 19th May.

Wish For Wings Wish For Wings, Antagonist, Capone, Damaged and Suicide Dogs are playing at the Ellen Melville Hall, Auckland (AA)

The Un-Sheep The Un-Sheep, 80s Jacket Club, The Pink Fluffy Islands, The Incident, DH-DF-Ds @ Ellen Melville Hall, Auckland (AA) A

Moggs (San Francisico) The Moggs are joined by Teenwolf to play Ward Lane, Hamilton.

A

Cold By Winter Cold By Winter, The Rabble, The Managers, My Life Story and Tomorrow Comes In Silence are playing an all-ages show at the Grey Lynn Library Hall, Auckland 7pm $10 1QA (Melbourne) 1QA are playing with rock’n’rollers The Shaky Hands and post-punk nerd-core band Malenky Robot at the Schooner Tavern, Auckland.

Whispers From Heaven An Evening of Clairvoyance with International British Medium Violet Tasker, advertised as being at ‘Sky City’ in Hamilton from 7-9pm.

A donation to www.saferkids.co.nz will be donated from each ticket sold. Ask them how Sam Wheat is doing.

A

The WBC The WBC are playing with punk-rockers The Rabble at Vesbar (AUT), Auckland 8pm, free (R18) A

“So You Think You Can Dance To Meatbix?”

Meatbix are a hardcore band from Auckland.

Their front-woman Erika is amazing! I highly recommend going to see them at the Schooner Tavern, 8.30pm.

A

Cheese On Toast Auckland website for indie gigs and goings on in Akl, Ham, Wel. Beware of Flash!

F www.cheeseontoast.co.nz

Sunday Undressed At the Kings Arms, Auckland. The show starts at 3pm and costs $4.00. All proceeds go to the performers.

A

A

A

Wish For Wings Hardcore bands Wish For Wings, Antagonist, Every Man For Himself, Ryan Rocks It and The Warpath are playing Upsett Records, Hamilton.$12 Entry, all ages show.

Advertise your gigs for free in the guide by emailing the info to nexus@waikato.ac.nz

Sunday May 21st

Annoyed at the lack of NZ music on television?

Contact Scotty Rocker (drummer for Cold

by Winter and Streetwise Scarlett and TV personality from Celebrity Treasure Island) at http://www.myspace.com/themessshow and give him your support. He is in the midst of preparing a proposal for C4 about presenting a new show on C4, playing all our favourite Emo, Screamo, Metal, Punk and Hardcore tunes. This show’s gonna put a smile on everyone’s dial, so message Scott heaps and show your support.

Want to advertise in those standout spots down the bottom? Email nexus@waikato. ac.nz for cheap-as rates and neato-elsuper-fantastico ad space!

Story of the Year Story of the Year + more at the St. James, Auckland 8pm (AA) A

Suicide Girls

Threadless

Nothing to do with suicide—pierced and tat’d ladies get their kit off tastefully.

Highly recommended.

I spend way too much time on this site.

And SG. And Htown.

Luckily I don’t have a life!

F www.suicidegirls.com

F www.threadless.com

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

25

WSU Vice President President

BY SEHAI ORGAD

BY CARL GORDON

Kia ora all,

The University’s Draft 2006-2008 Strategic Plan

There has been a lot of talk and speculation on some of the plans that the University is putting together. Although you do have representation on most, if not all of the committees which discuss and implement these plans and strategies, it is vital that the greater student body is involvement on every level in terms of the decision making process.

The key debates that are beginning to unfold are centered on two key issues: 1. The University’s strategic plan 2. The campus development plan The University has recently published a draft document outlining the ideas and elements of the overall strategy of The University of Waikato. The WSU has been very much involved with the consultation on this document, and we are now implementing a communication model in which we can best gauge the most feedback from the student body as a whole. If you would personally like to be involved in this process, PLEASE CONTACT ME! My email is president@wsu. org.nz The WSU is also in consultation in regards to the campus development plan. This means that consultation with students overall is vital to the success of the projects that are being discussed. In order to insure that we get as much feedback as possible, the university is undergoing research to find out the best ways of surveying students and engaging with the University community as a whole.

Again, if you would like further information about these developments, and even better, if you want to be absolutely involved, please...

CONTACT ME!!

26

The University is preparing a new Strategic Plan which is supposed to ‘deliver’ on last year’s ‘Vision’. It comprises extracts from the ‘Vision’, replies to recent criticisms, and “examples” of strategies. It is too brief, optimistic yet noncommittal, selective in coverage, and lacking in contextualisation.

In case you didn’t know, the University was evaluated late last year by the Academic Audit Unit, and received a largely negative report, which, even though a public document, is not on the University’s website: “At the time of the audit visit by the panel, it was not clear how the academic quality and the teaching and learning frameworks would map on to the new Vision” (p. 1); and “the implementation and monitoring of central policies are devolved and lacking in consistency, with insufficient oversight of progress of the whole institution towards achieving its stated objectives” (p. 4). “The panel could not help but notice how the report of the 2000 cycle 2 academic audit presented a similar view of the University” (p. 4). In other words, nothing has been done to remedy major problems identified 5 years ago. And compare the ViceChancellor’s comments on the report to the actual report – chalk and cheese. Visit www. aau.ac.nz for the full Academic Audit report.

The six main goals of the strategic plan are: 1. Teaching – to create a world-class, distinctive, relevant and sustainable teaching portfolio 2. Research – to be recognised for research eminence on the international stage 3. Connectedness – to contribute to the social, cultural and economic development, and the health and well-being of our region and the nation Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

4. Organisational principles – to achieve administrative excellence in support of core activities 5. Leadership and governance – to apply strong leadership and best practice in ensuring that governance and management roles are coordinated, complementary and effective in achieving the best interests of the University 6. Distinctiveness – to achieve true distinctiveness Do you have opinions on any of these?

Are they clear? Sensible? Attainable?

The plan is designed for only the next twoand-a-half years, whereas last year there was talk of a 10-year strategic plan. There is no mention of the strategic issue of public vs. private funding (which was removed from an early ‘Vision’ draft), or of student tuition fees. There is nothing about the strategic vulnerability of the University because of the high percentage of international students, and the sharp decline in their numbers over the past 2 years. Capital development is also ignored, yet the Vice-Chancellor, as reported in Nexus 8, is very clear about the strategic importance of capital development. Financing the planned developments will cost well over $50 million, and while the money will largely be borrowed, the interest payments (~$2 m a year) and some of the capital will come out of the operating budget, which means fewer staff and teaching resources, and be an excuse to push up tuition fees for students.

Or these?

As for students, the money they pay ($24 each a year) to the Student Campus Building Fund Trust may be grabbed for the so-called Student Hub (just a glorified commercial venture as a development of the ‘shops’ by the WSU Village Green) with some space for students to eat and socialise in, as it already is. That money should be for extensions to the Student Union Building, so students can have more space that is theirs.

Or this?

Submissions have to be in by 15 May. You can contact the Waikato Students Union - wsu@wsu.org.nz - or write directly to the University - hmp@waikato.ac.nz

Maori Students’ Officer

BY RENEE REWI There is a lot of misinformation in celebrating the Te Ranga Ngaku (TRN) proposal and whether the needs of this contract are actually within the constitution of WSU. Perhaps in reality prudence should have acknowledged the need for WSU lawyers’ legal opinion as to the effect of such a proposal. A question not asked is the effect of double dipping, as a result of SSG funding provided for the retention of all Mäori tauira at University.

The funding process includes and provides for some of the objects for which the TRN proposal sits alongside of. Well I am sure that we have not heard the last of this issue, which even includes the OSM minutes, and the writing of the TRN motion.

Well, as promised, we were going to drill down into the information available for the community dealing with working for families – you all need to look at this information to see if you qualify. www.workingforfamilies. govt.nz

board, mortgage, and other essential housing costs).

• Health costs • People with disabilities • Essential needs

A plea from the National Mäori Representative for SJS asks the question, “Why are Mäori tauira not using a service which is owned by students?” If you wish to comment I am sure Mr Nikora will make your views known at the next meeting – knn2@ waikato.ac.nz.

• Family support • In-work payment • Family tax credits • Childcare subsidy • OSCAR (Out of school and recreation)

subsidy • Accommodation supplement (rent,

IF MUSIC IS THE FOOD OF LOVE, THEN LET’S HAVE A SONG FOR EDUCATION

This week I will be attending two AGMs, one for the Environment Centre and the other for NZAEE(New Zealand Association for Environmental Education). The Enviro Centre used to be part of the HCC but are now on their own as a charitable trust. This is a building with so much hands on information and access to much more than we can get hold of ourselves. It is a resource centre for any associated studies so if you are in need

of any info feel free to call into their building.

Their library is full of books, videos and dvds.

We are members of the centre so don’t be shy - rock on down.

Environmental Issues Officer

BY FRANK STUBBING HOWDY TEAM What a week this has been, going off to lectures and struggling so hard to get back into the swing of things and also to stay awake, but however - I made it .

I must firstly congratulate everyone that attended the uni games in Wellington as it is so good to have you represent us.

This weekend is the hike TUI 2000 so get those walking boots out ready, we will be leaving at 1.30 pm and back by 4.30 pm.

This will be a gully trip not to miss - it will take us through the Mangakotukutuku Gully with all its natural beauty.

What do the readers think of my new desk pet that the girls at our WSU reception made out of their rubbish remains from lunch?

‘Spanky’ as he has been named (by the girls) naturally,now sits happily on my desk as my enviro pet. Many thanks girls.

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

They can be found at 25 Ward Street, Hamilton or call them on 839 4452.

27

Sexy Ex-y Getting to know the WSU This week: Frank Stubbing!

What should Nexus contain more of? ...

Position: Environmental Officer Programme of study: B Soc Sci Favoured mode of transport: My legs, or the 69er Suburb lived in: Hamilton Hobbies: Surfing, fishing Favourite website: www.greenpeace.org/ international Favourite TV programme: Mitre 10 Dream Home Favourite sandwich filling: Egg, cheese, tomato and relish Favourite snack: Surimi Magazine of choice: NZ Surfing Fatal weakness: Working too hard

WSU EXEC 2006

What flavour do you go for first in a box of chocolates?

Turkish Delights What CD is in your stereo/car right now?

Bob Marley What’s the worst film you’ve ever seen?

Spycatcher Worst habit?

Smoking How much money would it take for you to run nude down Victoria St? million dollars Which of these do you prefer to pick – nose, ears or teeth?

Whose?

28

In 10 years, you will be...

Working my butt off In 40 years you will be...

Probably 6 ft under

The seri-arse stuff In regards to your portfolio, what are you working on..

Today?

Recycling issues This term?

Save the whale campaign This year?

Stopping mining in NZ How are you making sure you and the executive remain accountable to students?

By keeping sharp eyes on everything What do you think is the most important issue facing the executive right now?

WSU profile How do you survive long executive meetings Chilled water

What the exec say about Frank - Lives the dream - My fave

PRESIDENT

VICE-PRESIDENT

DISABILITIES OFFICER

INTERNATIONAL OFFICER

MATURE STUDENTS OFFICER

CAMPAIGNS OFFICER

Sehai Orgad

Carl Gordon

Jeff Hawks

Sonja Gruebmeyer

Vince Malcolm-Buchanan

Jade & Joseph

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

International Students’ Officer

BY SONJA GRUEBMEYER I do indeed have a car. Just because no one has actually seen it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. It is with the mechanic. … my best friend since two months ago. He cares for my Toyota Corolla FX 1989, 1550 cc, 5 doors, automatic, hatchback, a kind of shady white color (but that could just be dirt).

Being deprived of my trustworthy car that breaks down every few minutes, I have to take the bus. Which promptly made me appreciate my fellow friends with cars because of a few convenient reasons: firstly, my friends don’t stop their services at 6 pm on weekdays; secondly, they drive near to my place, the supermarket, the vege shop and the pet shop where I buy my goldfish food; they also stop at bus stops, something that bus drivers peculiarly don’t do. But really more important is that I don’t have to wait an hour before they can take me back home when I just had to drop off some DVDs I got in town last week.

I mean honestly, the bus service in Hamilton is a bad joke; but at least the bus drivers are friendly, it’s kinda “nonexpensive” and if you wave frantically enough while halfway standing on the street they are actually stopping to pick you up (even outside the marked area). Plus, as an international student you will find yourself a nice Kiwi as acquaintance, simply because there are very

few people taking the bus so the bus driver knows your face anyway.

The WSU, namely Frank Stubbing as environmental officer, is working on the “bus thing” and, being tied down to the area where I live, I understand everyone who would like to have more frequent buses that are covering more area and have service up to maybe 10pm.

Well, while we are all waiting for that and the reunion concert of the “New Kids on the Block”, I would suggest you start finding yourself a few new friends with cars! Yeah, you came here to get to know some people who can actually speak English – so get out there and find yourself some Swedish guys!

If however you don’t find any, try to make friends with New Zealand citizens, they have an agreeable command of the English language most of the time and many of them have a car.

How to find them? Well I hereby revoke the advice from last week that you should ask random people in the library as they can turn out to be errr…”funny”, which was pointed out by our beloved editor ( Thanks, Dawn!).

So what to do?

We have an awful lot of clubs on campus, like the notorious “dating club”, which was just renamed since they were mistakenly thought of some kind of romance thing while they were actually interested in history and dating ‘things’. I know that sounds funny but hey! Try something new – no one knows you here anyway. How will you ever be able to tell weird stories from the time at Uni in NZ if you don’t get to know people? Most of our clubs are not religious and if you don’t want to discuss whether Jesus lived, that God created the Babelfish or that Tom Cruise is the Devil, then you can still have a night out with the

Skullbeasts or learn how to swordfight with the renaissance guys. Or you can found your own club – and you can always come to the WSU and find out what clubs are on campus and just go there.

So long story short: If you need some diversion and want to meet some New Zealanders, you have to take initiative as well and going to club meetings, even if you are not interested in the topic at first, can be fruitful. In the end, most domestic students on campus would like to meet more internationals and don’t know how – so here’s your chance to find a friend with a car!

Of course, you could also try to talk to random people on the bus (beware of the “funny ones” though); you might as well meet me on line 13 or 15. But not for long since my mechanic promised me that my car will be fixed next week….

For real this time!

(I could of course produce a picture of my car but that would be far too easy so instead I attached a picture of one of the campaigns officers from the NZUSA January conference. First one to tell me which one it is gets the snickers bar, the vending machine opposite L Block gave me for free last week — international@wsu.org.nz)

S OFFICER

EDUCATION OFFICER

GLBT OFFICER

ENVIRONMENTAL OFFICER

MAORI STUDENT OFFICER

WOMEN’S RIGHTS OFFICER

Joseph

Andrew Pritchard

Megan Moffet

Frank Stubbing

Renee Rewi

Kim Armstrong

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

TAURANGA OFFICER

Anthony Mckenna

29

GLBT Officer

BY MEGAN MOFFET Your Dating Flow Chart Anyway I thought I would take a moment to talk about dating. Not those things where you meet someone in town and end up at their place, then never see them again. Real dating. I have made a handy flow chart to help you all, use in association with the rules (to follow).

First you need to find someone to date… easier said than done when you are straight, and if you are queer the pool reduces dramatically. So the best advice I can give you on this front is – go for it when you get the chance. If the cute girl or guy on the bus sits by you, strike up a conversation. If you are stuck for inspiration the weather is always a good topic.

Onwards with the chart, people!

So you have met the object of your affections, you seem to get on. The next step is to ask them out for a non threatening, get to know you, ‘almost date’.

The kind where you could be looking for friendship or something else, but you don’t need to commit to a path until you have found out if they are a Destiny Church member or not. Rules for this include – best located in a public setting, daylight and with a limited time frame (e.g. ‘I just have to get to class, must go, love to see you again, call me when you are no longer an axe murderer’).

Follow the Rules for Casual Coffee (or other almost date): · Don’t talk about commitment, marriage/civil

unions or your exes. · Don’t tell your life story in detail. · Don’t take it too seriously. · Do offer to pay, don’t insist on it. · Do share things that are important to you. · Do laugh and have a good time.

Assuming that went well, and they aren’t scared by your obsession with Madonna/tendency to hum while they are talking/love of coffee flavoured sugar or other friendly peculiarity, it is time to ask them out for an official date. Catch me next week for more info.

Queer Dating Guide: PART 1 You meet someone on the bus and say: “Does the mark on that seat count as art?” They reply...

POSITIVELY

DISMISSIVELY

NEGATIVELY

“Sure, let’s sell it on TradeMe & make some cash.” Extend by finding out what they do, like.

Do you have stuff in common?

“Doubt it.” Could be having a bad day, try again later. Was it a positive response?

“All art is crap, a waste of money. Who are you anyway?” Give up on this one and go back to the start.

YES

NO

What: “We both love coffee.” Ask them to do that with you in a casual way. Keep in mind the rules. They say...

YES

NO

“Sure, meet you on wednesday.”

Enjoy yourself. Get to know them. Are you interested in more?

YES

NO

How do they feel? Not in a relationship, or straight? Do you get on? Signs point to...

NO

YES

You can’t win them all.

Be friends!

My email is glbt@wsu.org.nz if you’d like info more urgently.

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Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

YES

NO

Nothing? Do you really want to go out with them? Are they that appealing?

NO

YES

“Sorry, I am busy all the time...” Maybe they are straight, or just not interested at the moment. You still up for it?

NO

YES

You can still be friends.

Start again for a partner.

Find out if they are queer. Check the signs (if you don’t know then email me). Then ask: “Did you see the show at the club last week?”

They reply...

POSITIVELY

NEGATIVELY

“What club? Is that to do with sport?”

It’s not going to happen. Really.

“Yes, lip-synching = bad.” This doesn’t mean you are perfect for each other, but the clear ‘ask out for coffee’ is the go now. What do they say?

YES

NO

Now you have to make the big leap and ask them out officially. The ball is still in your court as you asked them for the ‘casual coffee’.

Catch Queer Dating Guide: Part 2 next week for the steps from this point. Good luck!

Mature Students’ Officer

Disabled Students’ Issues Officer

BY VINCE MALCOLM-BUCHANAN

BY JEFF HAWKES

An elderly couple went to a fast-food restaurant where the man ordered chips and a hamburger. He cut the hamburger in half, divided the chips and began eating his share.

A customer feeling sorry for them, offered to buy another meal for the elderly woman.

“Don’t worry” said the wife. “We always share everything.” Seeing that she would not eat her food, the person asked, “Well why don’t you eat your share?” The wife politely whispered “I’m waiting for my turn with the dentures!”

Greetings all

Just four weeks of lectures left to this semester folks! Can you believe it? It would probably be appropriate to profusely apologise to you all at this time, given my successful failure to have scheduled the ALMS Committee Elections. However, in my defense, can I explain that these last few weeks I’ve been concentrating on acquiring funding for new furniture! NEW! Oh, and I was kinda busy with my own Graduation. Hey Ron, fantastic to see you graduate buddy, and to see your family share in the ceremony!

Not to mention all the other graduates who made the entire Marae event and after-party absolutely memorable.

Furthermore, I thought ‘d give everyone the chance to undertake the elections closer to the end of this term; in that manner I am hoping to be able to use the study-break and semester holiday to work in conjunction with the newly elected committee…

So I’ll keep you all posted as best possible.

Oh, and I do apologise for any inadvertent anti-climaxes regarding this matter! Hehehe.

Hope the studies are all going well, and did everyone enjoy the Open Day? The sign language bill went through, now the third official language of NZ. Now, there are two approaches to defining deafness.

One based on a cultural/linguistic view and one based on a medical view.

The word Deaf spelt with a capital D denotes a culture and a community. This description of deafness is most commonly applied to those who are deaf at birth or in very early childhood. The use of sign language as one’s first language is the principal characteristic of people who identify with this culture and community.

Terms such as hearing impaired can be used to describe people who have hearing loss but who do not choose to be part of the Deaf community.

With a small d, deaf refers simply to hearing loss - e.g. deaf children means children with impaired hearing who may not yet have had contact with the Deaf community. The medical view is based on a condition of a lack of hearing in the range of sound common to most people. Words such as profound, severe, moderate hearing loss are used to show how much a person’s hearing differs from the general range.

The Social Services Committee has examined the Disabled Persons Employment Promotion (Repeal and Related Matters) Bill and is unable to reach agreement on whether the bill should be passed. The bill is being reported back to the House with no amendments. Hmmm. Interesting stuff. So they can’t make up their minds? Judge for yourself: Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

http://www.clerk.parliament.govt.nz/ Content/SelectCommitteeReports/1381.pdf ‘The concerns raised were the fact that the bill may force sheltered workshops to close or move to providing other vocational services. The requirement to pay minimum wages will put too large a financial burden on sheltered workshops forcing them to close.

Ok, so these people don’t have the right to a minimum wage? Three words: W.T.F! Guess some of us are more equal than others, especially if you don’t have the confidence or skill to speak up and stand up for yourself.

Thanks: Georgina Beyer (Chairperson), Dr Muriel Newman (Deputy Chairperson), Paul Adams, Sue Bradford, Judith Collins (from 1 February 2005 – replaced by Sandra Goudie), Hon Taito Phillip Field, Bill Gudgeon, Moana Mackey, Katherine Rich (until 1 February 2005), Linda Scott, Hon Judith Tizard’ Anybody seen any birds on the sneeze lately? The Avian Influenza is something we all need to keep an eye out for. An outbreak that has the possibility to cripple our society no matter what walk of life we may come from or what ever impairments we may endure.

Speaking of Eyes out, glad Eye still got mine…

EWWW... An Eye is upon you!

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Random stuff

Dynamo Go

@ the Village Green

Photos by Petra Jane (petrajane.com)

U’n’I

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www.dynamo-go.com

BY MATTHEW WILLS

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

Play some fuckin’ Slayer!

BY BURTON C. BOGAN

Running with the Devil

The Eagles: Hell Freezes Over

“We salute you, our half-inflated Dark Lord!”

GUEST REVIEW BY CHLOE

– Spinal Tap on The Simpsons

Christian Metallers aside, most Metallers have a certain relationship with this socially constructed villain of history. Whether it be the Black Metaller in Norway who burns down churches, Anton Lavey (who looks like Christopher Lee on crack), or your average Bogan who doesn’t give a fuck and just thinks demons look cool – we all have some level of acknowledgement or appropriation. Then there are also the rumours that bands ‘sell their souls’ to the devil to get record contracts. If it was as easy as that I would have done it years ago, but it’s too late – I sold my soul for a couple of popsicles on a hot day when I was a kid. To quote someone else again, cause I’m too tired, stressed, lazy and unsmart enough to come up with my own funny stuff today, Bill Hicks once said “If it’s a choice between eternal hell and good tunes or eternal heaven and New Kids On The fuckin’ Block... I’m gonna be surfing on the lake of fire, rockin’ out... high five at Satan every time I pass the motherfuckin’ shore!” He’s dead of throat cancer now at the age of about 32, so I hope his theory wasn’t true! Bands like Cradle of Filth thrive on images of the Devil, most posters I’ve seen of theirs generally have the devil and a scantily clad chick (often a nun) getting it on. I’m sure the next Cradle of Filth album is going to be called ‘2 minutes to Hentai’. Which reminds me, look at the older bands like Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden and their use of demonic images.

Traditional Christian groups in the States jump all over these sorts of images for moral panics. To be honest I think most Christians either don’t care or are only a little concerned. And, whether people like it or not, we have Christian metal. Some of these bands use demonic imagery themselves but in a different way…Demon Hunter anybody?

Whatever your beliefs, demonic imagery looks pretty cool. Just quickly to end, here’s the first five demon related songs that deal with the devil or demonic issues that just jumped into my head: ‘Number of the Beast’ – Iron Maiden ‘Goddamn Devil’ – Ugly Kid Joe ‘Running with the Devil’ – Van Halen ‘Believer’ – 8ft Sativa (its kinda grown on me, I know my mates will take the piss for this ones inclusion!)

‘By Demons be Driven’ – Pantera P.S. Any one out there wanna join a Metal club? If you want more Metal events on campus then WE CAN ORGANISE IT, cogs are in motion, backs are being scratched, and several goats are being sacrificed.

So to make it happen WE NEED YOU! If you do, send your details (Name, email address, student ID and whether you are a student or non student) to boganology@yahoo.co.nz. Get all your friends to do it as well, as only 25% of us need to be students. It’s free to join, there’s little or nothing for you to do, and it might mean some Metal bands on Campus. Sign up and oh yeah…See you at 6ft.

Firstly, I’d like to thank Steve for his rock influence on me! The Eagles, in my professional opinion, are one of the greatest bands of all time. The original members including Don Henley and Glenn Frey formed the Eagles in 1971 after beginning as a touring band for Linda Ronstadt.

Excluding greatest hits compilation albums, The Long Run was their last studio album. The Long Run tour intensified personality differences between band members, made worse when Don Henley was arrested for drug possession after a nude 16-year-old prostitute had drug-related seizures in a hotel room. Henley was also charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor. In addition, Glenn Frey and Don Felder had to be separated by police and fellow band members backstage at a 1980 fundraising concert. Needless to say the band broke up, and the band members went on to pursue solo careers.

The band released The Very Best of The Eagles in 1994, and in the same year reformed for the Hell Freezes Over tour, releasing Hell Freezes Over as a live album. Hell Freezes Over is this week’s album up for review. It is by no means their first live album, but as I am a ‘90s kid, and I have also seen the DVD I’m picking this album! There are new tracks on the album (well, new for 1994, but tracks I am now well acquainted with). Hell Freezes Over opens with ‘Get Over It’, my favourite lyrics being “Let’s kill all the lawyers, kill ‘em tonight” (no offence to you prospective lawyers, except for you, flatmate Charlie). Track six is ‘Hotel California’, one of the best songs of all time, and far better heard live than the studio version.

This album has a few ‘soft rock’ songs on it, so if you’re not really the ‘soft rock’ type you may not like half of this album. I’m a big ‘soft rock’ fan so I love it! ‘Wasted Time’ and ‘Last Resort’ are my current favourites. ‘Desperado’ closes the disc, a perfect end. However its perfection leaves me wanting more. 9/10 Also check out the Farewell Tour DVD! It’s gold!

Competition

The winner of last week’s prize is shnb2@waikato.

Congratulations!

Any Bob Dylan fans out there? ‘Cos this week’s prize is the DVD No Direction Home, the Martin Scorcese directed story all about Mr. Bob Dylan. Definitely worth entering.

Question: What is Bob Dylan’s real name?

Email answer to cjw37@waikato.ac.nz

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

33

Columns

The Rules of Dating and Relationships

Gasoline Warriors

I’m in an extremely happy relationship, and love Beavis dearly.

Largely our relationship works because he and I don’t break the common rules of dating and being in a relationship. I recently came across the case of Norry*, who broke one of these and is now incredibly available… you decide which rule.

Well the price rises continue with petrol, and everybody is looking to blame someone else for it. We are all pointing the finger at the petrol companies for continually hiking the price or the government for imposing pretty hefty tax on gas. Well I know the perfect person to blame – you!

When in a relationship or dating, degrading nicknames are a general a no-no. Calling out to your girlfriend “Hey, fat ass” while shopping at Pak ‘n’ Save might see you sleeping in your car. Don’t ever imply your better half or other half is less than perfect in your eyes. If your partner in crime wants a burger, chips and a coke don’t do anything to stop them, and certainly don’t bring salad into the equation. General rule – nobody out there is dating a ‘fat’ person!

If the light of your life has a pet, or two, be nice to them… but not too nice. Stick to patting the pets, offering to feed them and generally agreeing that they are indeed cute. Inter-species relations are not an attraction but a major turn-off. You’ll only frighten the poor wee kittens, and possibly end up with criminal charges.

Yes, we should all be blaming ourselves for this. We are wasteful when it comes to petrol. When was the last time you drove to Uni when you could have walked? You moan on about the price of gas, then go and fill up anyway. Maybe if you could stop, the price would drop. But you can’t, so it won’t.

People are addicted to cars, and therefore petrol. You know how smokers and drinkers have to pay a huge tax because the government knows that they are so addicted, they will pay whatever price to get their fix? Well, petrol is no different, and you deserve to pay. Every time you get in your car and drive down the road, you are destroying the environment. So you should pay.

Listing yourself on an internet dating site when you’re clearly in a relationship is a massive no-no. Especially if your description says “keeping options open” and the girls you are talking to are either still at high school, or have connections to the mob. This is kind of like intending to cheat, and the label “keeping options open” is certainly a little rude. Your interactions with these girlies could be tracked, if your password happens to be the same for everything, and things like “looking to have a bit of fun? Txt or email me” is definitely the intent to cheat.

And if you need proof that we are addicted to cars, look at motorsport. Do we really need so many different varieties of cars racing around a track? Formula 1, Rally, V8 Supercars, NASCAR, Stockcars, drifting, drags – it’s all a bit extravagant isn’t it? Aren’t these drivers just wasting what little petrol we have left? And why are they deified for doing something highly dangerous for a cheap thrill? Not that I’m saying I never do anything dangerous, but I don’t get rewarded and made a hero for it.

If you and your significant other enjoy the odd drinkie from time to time, that’s fine - who doesn’t? But if you’re constantly getting troll eyed on two glasses of cask wine, and lapsing into a 24 hour coma, tossing and turning and crying in your sleep, you’re next to useless. Even more so, if after theses two classes of cheap wine you become an abusive drunk, threatening to hit girls, strangers and children.

How many thousands of dollars go up in smoke quite literally every time there is a car race? In this country, that’s close to every weekend. And what’s worse is that we glorify our car racers like they are doing something great. I think if I have to see another “Murph” hat or shirt, I am going to scream and start throwing things. And when Possum Bourne gets killed in a car crash, he is made an instant God, and the guy that killed him is worse than Hitler. Well guess what? Possum was probably going to die in a car one way or another. No big loss. In fact, I hope Greg Murphy dies in a car crash, and I hope it’s soon. Then at least that’s one less arrogant, petrol wasting driver for the world.

The rules of relationships, dating and what’s considered a date vary from person to person. Every species has its own rules also.

Norry* could in fact be a different species to me, hence why I think he broke the rules and he does not. Establish the rules or concepts before you find yourself with Mr. Peeping-Tom, or Mrs. Mob-Mole or Mr. Kitty-Fiddler, or even Mr. Internet-Cheat. *Name changed for personal protection.

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Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

Columns

Straight off the bat, apologies to all the Muppet fans out there; between my dyslexic typing, and the auto-correct bollocks I can’t seem to turn off, I made a bit of a mistake. Yes, sorry Mr. Henson, from now on I promise to stick to your first name. At least I can spell “Jim” correctly, most of the time.

‘Autumn’

Obviously, I don’t usually read books but Michelle might be onto something with last weeks’ roundup. I’m talking about: Grossman, A. J., & Wainess, F. (2006). It’s not Me, It’s You: The Ultimate Breakup Book. New York: Da Capo Press. Finally, a book with practical applications… not like all those ‘recommended texts’ I have gathering dust in the corner of my room.

The leaves are beginning to turn and fall; the daylight has faded by 6pm. Yes, autumn is definitely here.

Being somewhat of a dating oddity, I can’t remember the last evening I didn’t spend with my pasta for one, my cat, and ESPN blaring in the background. If the unimaginable happened, and I found myself straying out of single-town, I’d find comfort in possessing the knowledge to make the landing easier when I’m once again tarred, feathered and catapulted back into familiar territory. The single life is all good, but when the friends through whom I have been living through vicariously are all getting married, there can be a moment or two of mild melancholy. That’s quite enough of that; here’s some stuff going down this week: The Uni Rec Centre will be launching league 2 of various social sports starting on the 14th May. Everything is indoors, so there is a little more incentive to peel off all those extra blankets, and do something energetic in spite of things cooling down recently.

Codes include Soccer (Sundays), Netball (Thursdays), and Volleyball (Tuesdays). The leagues run for six weeks, and the cost to register a team is $150. If you are interested, check out www. intoactive.co.nz, or contact Amy Corstorphine (07) 838 4312 amyc@waikato.ac.nz.

If sitting around letting other people entertain you is more your thing, then this one is not to be missed: What: Danny Bhoy Date: Sunday 14 May 2006 Time: 8:00 PM Location: Founders Theatre, 221 Tristram Street Cost: Students & Seniors $32.90, Adults $39.90.

Scottish comedian and all round good guy Danny, will be making an appearance in H-town. At last year’s NZ Comedy Festival, he had a new record for most tickets sold in one day. Not surprisingly, he’ll be headlining the 2006 ODDFELLOWS NZ International Comedy Festival. A night of hilarity undoubtedly awaits…

“The summer sun is fading as the year grows old and darker days are drawing near…”

‘Forever Autumn’, The Moody Blues

Autumn means a lot of different things to different people, for most it is an ominous sign that winter, and with it cold weather, is rapidly approaching. Not for me, I love autumn. The air temperature is cool, but not too cold, the sun still shines (sometime of the time) and of course there are the leaves. Seriously, how can you not love the colours of autumn leaves and the way they go crunch underneath your feet?!

Of course depending on where you live, you may not experience ‘autumn’, you might have ‘fall’ instead. The word ‘fall’ is the common North American name for the season we know as autumn; although it has been used in England it is now a rarity.

It would seem that ‘fall’ has been in use from around 1550 and began life in England, where it spread to America and quickly became the standard term for autumn. It’s quite an accurate term really, it describes the most noticeable characteristic of autumn, leaves falling from a tree. But it doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as autumn, does it?

Unlike many English words ‘autumn’ has always meant well, autumn. Many English words once meant something else, something related but different, but ‘autumn’ has always been used to describe the season where leaves fall from the trees and the weather begins to turn colder.

The must be something rather poetic about the whole concept of autumn as almost all the great poets have written about it.

Shakespeare, Chaucer, Milton, and Tennyson all mention autumn at least once in their works.

Autumn seems to be associated with a rather melancholy air, as exemplified by the quote above from The Moody Blues song ‘Forever Autumn’. I personally don’t feel like this, I think autumn is the most beautiful season of the year, but then I was born in autumn so I’m probably biased. In your hurry to get to your next class and finally be warm, slow down, and take a look around you. This really is a most beautiful time of year, and I think that everyone should stop once in a while and appreciate it.

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

35

Regulars

Hello again, mortals! You and your carbon-based bodies are merely a tear in an octopus’ eye—Nothing! If that makes sense to you, then I like you. Anyway, I can predict the future, yadda yadda yadda. Seriously though, quit sending me lame questions about if your penis size is bigger or smaller than everyone elses and all these freakin’ damn relationship questions. I picked two of those today just to ridicule—I mean, predict the outcomes of—so no complaints! Send questions to 8ballknowsall@gmail.com

to get to know the 8 ball a bit better? Your face is cloudy in my mind, so please, come up to the Nexus office so that I may glance a look at you and I will show you my hunky celestial body, a-heh heh heeeeh…

Animal Slippers

“Very doubtful.” Looks like you will have to change your name to concerned homo.

As for it being any different when you prefer the same gender, it’s not so clear cut as that. Just because you didn’t make it with one gender doesn’t mean that you will with the other! Perhaps you can stay a hetero and just try to be less of an unlikeable human being.

Hey Magic 8 ball, Do you think that animal feet slippers are raunchy? I think that they are but I have only found one other person that does and he has a shoe fetish.

Thanx, ‘Animal feet slippers are so raunchy’ chik

“It is decidedly so.” I also think girls who think animal feet slippers are raunchy are raunchy too, hur hur hur. How would you like

Mr. No-luck-with-girls Recently I’ve been having no luck with girls.

No matter what my efforts, I just seem to repel them—Even those who express interest at first! Will things look up for me in the future or should I just go gay? OK, just one question to answer then, will things look up for me in the future concerning romantic relationships with girls?

Cheers, Concerned hetero

All’s not well in DBZ land Magic 8 ball!

My girlfriend has been acting a bit strange around me lately. I think she has ulterior motives that won’t be healthy for our relationship. Please Magic 8 ball, I need to know if she is cheating on me!

- SSJMajin86

“You may rely on it.” Perhaps all that money spent on the DBZ episodes on VHS tapes have ultimately made you undesirable in your relationship. It also doesn’t help when you come second in a Kamehameha contest at Armageddon. You’re just not cool to hang around so she’s ditched you for a guy who likes rugby and can crack walnuts with his butt. It’s not so bad—I know of a guy who might be your type, just in case you feel like abandoning women all together…

Get me some food already Will Uncle Jim go to the supermarket and get myself some orange juice and pickled onions and get Matt some Honey Mustard Grain Waves and a One Square Meal?

- News Ed

“Yes.” And he should hop to it real soon because I sense that the Graphic Designer is mighty peckish for some Grain Waves and hasn’t had his fix for the day yet.

THIS WEEK:

HOT CHICKS 3. Rachael Bilson From The O.C. It is such a stupid show, but let’s not pretend that you don’t watch it (after listening to the entire back catalogue of the Backside Boys). But do not fret, it’s OK because this show is chock full of hot chicks - the best being Summer.

36

2. Nikki Cox If anyone was wondering what happened to the TV show Las Vegas, well, it’s now on Prime, and if you were a fan you no doubt lusted over Nikki. I mean her last name is Cox, yeah I’m talkin’ downtown. Wait - that kinda sounds gay … so….well anyway, she’s really hot.

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

1. Jessica Alba Yeah you know what I’m sayin’, fellas. How could it be anyone else but her? Since Dark Angel and all the way up to whatever shitty movie she was just in, she is grade A American beef. MOOOOOOO!

Notices

Notices Send your notices of 100 words or less to nexus@waikato.ac.nz, or drop into box at WSU reception. Deadline is 5pm Tues.

2 Rooms becoming available from 21st of May or earlier. Walking distance for Uni and Town. 86 Firth Street. 1 room $90/wk, 1 $110 / wk (bigger). Inclds power, phone, water and some food. Ph: 8569492.

Email: kn21@waikato.ac.nz. No cunts Several rooms available in the College Hall (university accmmodation) with full catered, $185 per week/single room including power. ph/txt 0210644908 ot email jc175@waikato.ac.nz.

Female Flatmate Wanted To live with 3 guys and a chick, all mid-20’s. Close to shops, town, uni, and fast food places. Outside parking available. Rent covers power, phone, gas heating, broadband, sky and basic supplies. Very sunny room with plenty of storage but no wardrobe. Call/text Tracey on 856 6630 or 021 130 1265.

HONDA CITY 4 SALE ‘86, 2 door and pretty in pink. Cheap to run and breeze to park.Auto with a fully operating radio, easily makes those trips over to the beach & back, AND comes complete with cowprint seat covers and sunroof.

Ideal first car/ student car and costs little for insurance!! $800 o.n.o Ph 0274 515 317 (don’t text) or 8383-538 Female flatmate wanted To live with two guys and a girl in a four bedroom home on Knighton rd. Must be easy going, $80 per week plus expenses.

Ph 07 8591399 or Jamie 0211062405 or Emily 0274679647

Have you seen my puppy, he’s the one with a waggly tail. Have you seen my lost puppy, he’s not for sale ph. 07 8584565 Campus Commuters Support Club Attention: Beat the petrol prices! Have in-car study groups, and expand socially. Meeting May 10 Wed 1pm at Guru Lounge in WSU building.

If you travel to campus from out of town, or wish to car-pool within Hamilton, come to our general meeting. Interested persons please contact jps6@waikato.ac.nz Learn Meditation (Free introductory courses): Our FREE courses cover a range of introductory techniques to reconnect you with your spiritual side of your nature and get you started of the journey of selfdiscovery that lies at the heart of all human life.

Waikato University Classes. Hillcrest Road, Gate 7/MS4/Room 1 Option 1: Tues/Thurs 2, 4, 9, 11; 7:30-9:00pm Option 2: Tues/Thurs 16, 18, 23, 25; 7:30-9:00pm Each course option forms a structured course. Please try to attend each of these sessions to gain the most benefit, and kindly do not join any option after the 2nd session.

When do you use double consonants before -ing or -ed?

If you don’t know, we do, and we can help rid your assignments of all those grammar and spelling mistakes you’ve made.

Visit us at www.editwrite.co.nz When you write wrong, we right the wrongs

Free Couch: perfect for flat. Needs cover (sheet will do). Pick up ASAP. ph 8592099 Car 4 sale: Mitsubishi something (selling on behalf of brother) Good service history. 1983 (i think) Station wagon. Good body. Rego, WoF $1,100. Phone Rex 0274984101 Drummer & Singer Wanted: To join a newly formed covers/originals band. Our influences include Billy Talent, AFI, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Tiger Army, Reel Big Fish. Txt/ph Anton 027-2454092 for a jam.

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

37

Activities

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Issue 9 路 8 May 2006

Comics

Issue 9 路 8 May 2006

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Food

The Selfish feed: Addictive Cheese Spread Warning: This cheese spread is undoubtedly bad for you and ridiculously addictive.

You won’t want to share.

Ingredients Cream cheese Grated tasty cheese 1 small finely grated onion Ground pepper Salt Add equal parts of cream cheese and grated tasty cheese in a bowl, along with a finely grated onion. Add salt and pepper to taste…

Mix well, until mixture appears smooth and creamy (don’t eat out of the bowl or there’ll be none left).

Place mixture into a small container, top with salt and ground pepper and place in fridge.

Chill for at least half an hour; serve on crackers or in sandwiches.

BLATANT PRODUCT PLACEMENT SPOT

Soothers Liquid Centres Soothers are cough lozenges built on a kind of Starburst Squirts principle of sweet gooey stuff inside sweet harder stuff, which is quite novel. The promoters get environmental marks off for the ridiculous amount of packaging they came in, though. Do they work? Well, the editor’s sore throat did in fact get better after having a few but this may have been semi-coincidental. Nonetheless, they are as you’d hope, soothing, sweet and inexpensive. We prefer lemon and lime flavour.

FRUIT PORN 40

Restaurants:

Still Working

BY HAZAZEL Still Working, in Lynden Court, Chartwell, is a pub. A rough, simple, working man’s pub. So why would I go there to eat? Well, apart from having scantily clad waitresses on Wednesday and Thursday nights (that was enough to convince Sam), they serve gourmet wood-fired pizzas, as well as a surprisingly decent range of pasta and snacks.

We arrived fairly early in the evening, but there was only one bikini girl left, who (while very hot) didn’t circulate at all. Disappointing. The food on the other hand, began very well. We started with the cheapest thing on the menu - a plate of fries. Sounds boring, but they are a delight when done well: hot, crisp and slightly salty, served with tomato relish and superlative aioli. For mains we ordered one pizza (the ‘wild side’ - bacon, sun-dried tomato, avocado and aioli) and one pasta (smoked salmon on basil pesto linguine in a creamy white wine sauce).

In a manly man’s pub like Still Working , you would expect pizzas (even gourmet ones) to be hefty, substantial things, Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

with loads of toppings. It was not. It was, however, darn tasty. A thin, crispy base, adequately (if not generously) topped with quality ingredients. Not what I expected, but not bad at all.

As for the pasta, it was just plain weird.

It looked good - a bowlful of saucy pestocoloured linguine, with a reasonable amount of smoked salmon on top. The salmon itself was fine. But the pasta had a rather unusual smell and taste.

For one thing, the pesto sauce was very nondescript... there was no flavour of basil, garlic or parmesan. Not much flavour of anything really, only a very odd smell that reminded me of a butcher’s shop. We attempted to mention the problem and were met with complete disinterest. It’s possible that we just caught them on a bad day... and perhaps their other pasta dishes are fine, but if we go back, I won’t be getting pasta. No sir.

Overall though, the good - pizza, fries, fast service, extra aioli on request - outweighed the bad. It would be fine for after work drinkies and nibbles... just beware the pasta.

Games

THE PLAYER Socom 3: US Navy Seals Playstation2

BY JOSH DRUMMOND I was supposed to do a review for Socom 3: US Navy Seals, but owing to holidays and the lack of a PlayStation, I didn’t. So here’s a rundown of scores the game has been given by respected gaming websites: IGN: 9.0 Gamespot: 8.9 Electronic Gaming Monthly: 8.4 1up: 8.4 Gamespot.com had this to say: “SOCOM 3 is a remarkable addition to the venerable franchise. The team at Zipper has maintained the series’ solid mechanics and feel, while doubling the number of online players per match, expanding the size of the maps, adding fun, drivable vehicles, and even throwing in a worthwhile singleplayer campaign to boot. Whether you’re a longtime fan of SOCOM or you’re new to the series, SOCOM 3 is well worth the price of admission, and is proof positive that a great, large-scale shooter can be done, and done well, on the PlayStation 2.”

Judging by the scores, it’s a decent, if not world-beating, video game. For those with a broadband internet connection, the game sports the ability to play multiplayer online. But don’t take my word for it. We’re

giving it away, so one lucky reader gets to review it for him/herself.

Competition!

From now on, Games Plus will be supplying us with games and we might just give one away! Luckily for you, Socom 3 is up for grabs this week. Now, entries for Nexus competitions have historically been low, so your chances of winning, should you enter, are comparatively high. All you have to do is write down what your favourite videogame experience ever is. In rhyme.

Limericks are strongly encouraged. We’ll give brownie points for humour, so get writing. Entries to nexus@waikato.ac.nz, or you can drop ‘em in to the Nexus offices.

GAMES YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED! Castlevania: Symphony of the Night Konami Playstation 1

BY MATT SCHEURICH A game title that frequently comes up on hardcore gaming community boards, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (SOTN) is a neat little game experience that you just might have missed.

I will break it to you now, this game is in 2D. A lot of people get hung up on 2D games and call them inferior to 3D. Not so,

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says I. Growing popularity in retro games is disproving that notion and showing that people are either wanting a better gameplay experience or maybe it’s just that nostalgia factor kicking in. Either way, this game is rendered beautifully in 2D and it works well.

In SOTN, you play a vampire called Alucard (coolest dude ever) who is against the whole vampire tradition of sucking the neck of a human and set forth to slay your dad, Vlad himself. The game takes you through his whole castle (both rightside-up and upside-down incarnations of it!) and you battle various fiends, bosses and get some sweet abilities such as turning into a bat, wolf and even a cloud of mist to get through certain areas the dastardly complex castle. SOTN pays homage to Super Metroid with its roombased gameplay and ability-enhanced exploration.

The game features RPG elements such as levelling up your character and finding items such as health, armor and weapons.

You can even do magic spells which are cast via a button combination similar to pulling off Street Fighter moves.

It has an interesting story, excellent 2D artwork and is mad-fun to boot. Detractions would be the English voice acting and having to back-track your way through the map which can lead to boredom. I found it an enjoyable experience playing the game and I rate it highly.

GAMES PLUS - THE NEXT LEVEL: Providing you with all your necessary gaming needs S H O P 1 0 5 , C E N T R E P L A C E M A L L , V I C T O R I A S T, H A M I LT O N · P H O N E 8 3 8 0 8 0 1 XBOX · PLAYSTATION · GAMECUBE · PC · GAMEBOY · DS · PSP · MOVIES · ANIME

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

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Citric

Global Casino Juse

BY M. EMERY NZ Music Month is in full swing with shows on every weekend and some weekdays too. I know for people unfamiliar with the Hamilton music scene, attending local shows can sometimes be intimidating. I fully recommend folks check out http://htown. elwiki.com/ . There is a ‘still in development’ wealth of information on the Hamilton music scene, past and present and it is a good place to get an idea of what is going on here.

Also have a look at www.htown.co.nz where info on upcoming shows and general blather is regularly conducted.

48 May are in the studio working on the follow up to their 2005 album, The Mad Love. It will be interesting to see if they can reproduce the amazing success of their first release. Will there be a dramatic shift in their sound? Will they break out the 11 string detuned guitars and add faux-electronica to their pop punk pattern? Will this be their Kid A? I’m sure we’ll find out before the end of the year. Meanwhile, here are some notable upcoming gigs...

A Low Hum Tour Blink has come along way from putting on shows with makeshift venues and last minute audiences. He even stopped bringing bands to Hamilton for while but this year he is back with a vengeance of rock. The 4th A Low Hum Tour for this year features Disasteradio (Wellington), Voom (Wellington), Kill Surf City (Auckland) and local popsters Dynamo Go @ Ward Lane, Friday 12th May. 1QA (Melbourne), Shaky Hands (Auckland),

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The New Caledonia @ Sohl, Fri 19th May. Wish For Wings (Brisbane), Antagonist, Every Man For Himself, Ryan Rocks It, The Warpath @ Upsett Records, 333 Victoria Street, Fri 19 May. $12 Entry, all ages show.

Are you sick of indie rock, blues garage rehash bands, and quasi pop soft-core rock music in the local scene? Then get along to this one to digest some brutal metalcore.

Moggs (USA), Teen Wolf (Auckland), The Blunts (Auckland) + Guests, Fri 19th of May, Ward Lane Cheese on Toast and Mole Music are proud to present from Petaluma, California, Moggs. Imagine the looping jangle of late-era Sonic Youth and the discordance of Shellac and you are only just beginning to imagine Moggs. A two-piece; Sir Plus’ frayed guitars chime and churn over Miss Minor’s hitching percussion—both take vocal duties; Minor deadpan’s while Plus tersely reminisces.

The White Belt is Not Enough is their debut album, recorded in a Victorian manor in Petaluma, CA, and mastered Nick Webb at Abbey Road Studios, London, UK. “We wrote this album over the period of several years with the intent of making a record by ourselves with no compromise. We set out to construct something we wanted to listen to,” says Miss Minor. http://www.moggs.com http://www.myspace.com/moggs If any folks have any local music news or happenings drop me a line htownslut@ gmail.com.

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

One of the most important recent releases on the local Hip Hop scene is Global Casino, coming from veteran Auckland producer Juse (AKA Justin Ferguson). Juse has traveled the globe gathering rhymes from rappers in Australia, New York, UK, as well as crews from NZ. With a tight clean production, Global Casino has benefited from Juse’s extensive background in the NZ Hip Hop scene.

From his roots, DJing for Dam Native through to his contributions to Che Fu’s debut album and King Kapisi’s Savage Thoughts LP, Juse has had a hand in many Hip Hop pies. The familiar growl of Savage pops up on The Warmth in tandem with American, Kaeson, and Smashproof’s Young Sid. Fellow Dawn Raider, Mareko features on This Goes Out to You. International artists featured on Global Casino include Australian’s Anecdote, Infallible, Daniel Merriweather, and Phrase, American Samoan Ben Vai, and from the UK Amo, Shameless and Plan B. One of the standout tracks on Global Casino is the dark sex jaunt ‘Play Ur Position’ featuring contributions from English, Australian and Kiwi rappers.

Another highlight is Mareko spitting about losing some weight, he’s a big man. The next few months will tell if Juse can follow in the steps of local hip hop phenomenons P Money and DLT who have produced LPs featuring combinations of local and international MCs. He’s definitely got the goods down with Global Casino; hopefully we’ll get to hear these tracks live onstage in NZ.

BY KAZUMA NAMIOKA

Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe

The Pixies: Sell Out 2004 Reunion Tour

To say something about how the book will always be first might give you the wrong impression. The book will always be first, but not in the Harry Potter way, which leaves me hoping J K Rowling puts so much sex and violence in the seventh book they won’t even try to adapt it. I enjoyed all of Narnia, aside from the soggy middle, and the child actors didn’t make me cringe of their own accord (a miracle with four of them), though I felt Andrew Adamson overdid the smart-arse remarks. I know the story is just a reinterpretation of the Christian message, but with my backward heathen upbringing I can’t help but think of Jesus as an allusion for Aslan.

You know who they are. That song at the end of “Fight Club”, that was them. The band members are Frank Black, Kim Deal, Joey Santiago and David Lovering (oh the childhood torment he suffered). It’s a Sell Out Tour because they sold places out, I think, rather than because they wore a specific brand of shoe or had to ride a puma around on stage. It’s a Reunion Tour because they’re old, and the band had to reassemble to make music, instead of just touring ever since they got famous, going to a Pacific island resort, and having a band member injure itself falling out of a tree. The 2004 has something to do with their flight number.

Where the movie could outshine the book was in the action sequences, and the battle at the end was like reliving the days of getting out all the toys and having Lego guys fighting dinosaurs fighting shitty $1 figurines of sharks from Kelly Tarlton’s. There were centaurs, cheetahs, griffins and fauns versus giants, minotaurs, tigers and dwarves. The field is gloriously coloured, unlike the grey and brown battles in Middle-Earth, and Tilda “kill them all” Swinton, who will leave children afraid of their own mothers, rides around on a carriage pulled by fucking polar bears. It’s funny when the good guys don’t compare in coolness to the bad guys, due to the latter’s sheer bad-assery, when it’s a family movie. We can only hope Narnia becomes the “NeverEnding Story” of its time. Ever see “Legend”, where a pants-less Tom Cruise fought Satan? Don’t worry, it’s nothing like that.

This DVD is all live songs, with a massive 28-track live set filmed in France, and a further 14 bonus tracks from all the other places they went to. On top of this there’s a special version of “Monkey Gone to Heaven” where you can screw around with 5 camera angles. Old they may be but diminished they ain’t; Frank Black can still scream like a champion, and there’s a lot of that, oh yes. The songs still sound great, it’s over 2 hours of music, it’s The Pixies playing to huge appreciative crowds, what more could you want?

Some interviews you say? You never watch that shit anyway.

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

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Reviews

Books Southern Style Craig Marriner (Vintage) $ 27.99

Poetree

REVIEWED BY KEITH HORNBY

Congratulations to Sam Rogers, who wins Gadget Goose’s TWO debut albums .

Coming after his first book Stone Dogs (a controversial Montana Award winner) Southern Style follows along a similar vein.

In his own words Craig describes the book as “a long over due anthem for the young people who leave or are thinking of leaving the former colonies and returning to the ‘motherland’ –semi-long term – in search of some thing”.

The main characters are drawn from the far-flung southern corners of the commonwealth; Lisa from Cape Town, Ryan the Aussie and Alex from Auckland, to its very compelling epicenter; London. The teeming megatropolis saturated with opportunity for hedonistic indulgement and personal revelation. Fraught with discriminatory class structure and struggle (which fortunately, our colonial forefathers shrewdly left far behind), entangled with a number of dark underground elements and endured by a spectrum of ethnicities and world views, London is the verb.

The stage is set: London. Throw in a multitude of characters and the inevitable love interests. Charge it with the socio-political consciousness that travel stimulates and watch as the travelers and their acquaintances debate the inequalities that exist in the world today. Include criminal dealings gone climaxically awry and you have: The Southerners.

This book confronts the harsh realities of the city and the OE dream and likewise those of life and growing up into adulthood. The realisation that the time for “self centered fuckin about” comes to an end and that there are responsibilities and realities to be comprehended.

Otherwise a most interesting read that would certainly be enjoyed by most of us that are OE dreaming.

“What know they of England, who only England know” – Rudyard Kipling

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Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

The Goose That Laid the Golden Record One day a wealthy business man Was twirling his moustache, While thinking of a way that he Could make some more quick cash He sat down in a local pub And took in his surrounds A group of live musicians were Pumping out their sounds They played a cool guitar riff and It made him tap his feet ‘I’ll sample that bit,’ thought the man ‘And set it to REPEAT.’ The singer sung his views and thoughts The crowd seemed to agree ‘I’ll copy that and then they will ‘Start listening to me’ The players were a handsome bunch, But all of them were men.

‘If I employed some pretty girls, I’d get real rich again.’

He used their sounds and messages, He took their sex appeal But although he got gold records out The music wasn’t real.

Despite having been cut to bits This goose band was not through They wrote more songs and played more gigs That’s what they loved to do

Reviews

Films Sione’s Wedding Village Cinema

REVIEWED BY JOE CITIZEN This has got to be the best movie of the year. I thought Whale Rider was cool and it was, but it didn’t make me laugh like this film did.

This is a film that is recognisably New Zealand without the cringe factor. It doesn’t have the tedious over-directing of The Irrefutable Truth About Demons. It’s not a non-excuse for a plot like Jubilee. It didn’t go through production hell like Kombi Nation did. Dare I say it; it’s a New Zealand film that’s bloody good. The thing about The Lord of the Rings, Whale Rider and River Queen is that they were all made for international audiences with international money.

This was made by local company South Pacific Pictures, as well as Creative New Zealand funding.

The plot’s pretty simple – four guys have been banned by their Minister from attending the next wedding, after their previous drunken exploits have embarrassed the whole community. He finally relents his decision on the provision that they come to the wedding with girlfriends that they have some commitment with.

Easy? Not for these guys.

Now I’ve heard some people say that a story about four Samoan blokes who won’t grow up will have a limited appeal. Bollocks. This story has universal appeal whilst remaining indomitably Kiwi. It’s had the biggest opening at the box office of any New Zealand film.

It’s got an absolutely kickin’ sound track. It’s well written, edited, produced, acted, lit and directed. It’s hard to say anything wrong about this locally made romantic comedy. Finally New Zealand film has not only come of age, it has managed to escape the shackles of its isolationist identity that has permeated most of its previous successes. Is it possible that we have finally learnt how to laugh at ourselves?

Of course this film is about Samoans in Auckland. It pokes fun at white boys who pretend they’re from da hood. It’s got a lot of serious undertones hidden in the humour, but doesn’t clobber the audience with political correctness or self-depreciation. Finally we see an Auckland that looks great on screen without being dressed up or dressed down into something it’s not. This is as much a celebration of daily life as it is a laugh out loud comedy. It’s not Hollywood or Bollywood or BBC Britain, this is the real thing - a South Pacific New Zealand.

Rialto Check

BY LEIGH MCGEADY

Do you know a good joke? If so then feel free to email it to me courtesy of hamilton@ rialtocinemas.co.nz. But they better be good!

So anyways, today’s film my lovelies, is all about jokes. Or more specifically one joke called The Aristocrats (same name as the film’s title) that has been with comics since Vaudeville.

Comedy veterans and co-creators Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller fame) and Paul Provenza cash in on their insider status and invite over 100 of their closest friends – who happen to be some of the biggest names in entertainment from Whoopi Goldberg, Drew Carey, Gilbert Gottfried, Paul Reiser to Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Hank Azaria and Billy Connelly – to reminisce, analyse, deconstruct and deliver their own versions of the world’s dirtiest joke. And I think you’ll be surprised at just how dirty Bob Sagat (Danny Tanner from Full House) can be!

The Aristocrats is a joke that is never told in public. It is a private joke for comedians, so you’ve never heard it before. It’s a secret handshake among comics. It is the dirtiest joke you’ll ever hear.

The Aristocrats is filthy, vile, disgusting – and hilarious. It is dirtier than anything you’ve ever thought. These comedians push boundaries you never knew existed. That’s because they’re artists.

I Wanna Be Dii-iirty!

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

This film has no sex, no nudity, and no violence, but it’s one of the most shocking movies you’ll ever see. This is the power of language spoken by professionals.

Professionals trying to outdo each other with the most hysterically disgusting, offensive, screwed-up verbal images they can spit out.

You’ll hear descriptions that will stay with you the rest of your life, whether you want them to or not. So just remember that these men and women are professionals cos you sure don’t want to try this at home! Film opens 18th May.

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THE LOW DOWN ON

A LOW HUM

BY M. EMERY

The 4th A Low Hum tour this year brings Disasteradio, Kill Surf City, Voom and Dynamo Go to Ward Lane, Saturday 13th May. Having already toured Disasteradio up and down this country twice, Blink is bringing him out for a third time accompanied by A Low Hum’s release of Disasteradio’s debut album Synthtease.

Blink says: “I’ve already taken him on tour twice and I’ll keep taking him on tour until he’s headlining the Boiler Room at the Big Day Out, ‘cause Disasteradio is the most important act in New Zealand. There I said it. Sorry to every other band I take on tour this year, I apologise in advance… nothing personal, it’s just Disasteradio is my idol. “ If you haven’t heard Disasteradio yet, you’re seriously missing out. He’s released 3 full length CD-R albums and a cassette on Stink Magnetic. Wellington’s Capital Recordings signed him on 18 months ago to release his massively overdue debut proper CD elease; “Synthtease”. Due to their delay and stuffing around, I’ve snatched this important recording out from under their noses and am EXTREMELY honoured to offer it as this month’s bonus feature album! The entire Synthtease 20 track album, for just an extra couple of bucks ontop of the door charge. Nuts!

oozes rhythm from his nostrils, not to mention the two chaps at the front singing and playing the stringed instruments. All in all, totally recommended.

Auckland’s Kill Surf City are also along on the tour. Uplift the cream of the 80s Flying Nun stable and lock ‘em up together in The Hacienda in ‘83 and don’t feed them until they’ve redefined rock’n’roll, and you got Kill Surf City.

Here’s the deal:

The third band on the bill is the legendary Voom. Voom released their inspired debut album almost a decade ago. Now I am me is regarded as one of the most important NZ albums of the late nineties, spawning amazing pop songs like ‘Beth’ and ‘Relax’. After dozens of line-up changes and countless songs demoed and recorded, including the incredible ‘King Kong’ being released, and teasing us that maybe a new album was near…Voom are finally back with their follow-up album and their most kick-ass live line-up yet, featuring two of the Goodshirt boys keeping the indie-pop alive. The second Voom album has been one of the most talked about records in years and has finally found a home amongst Auckland’s Lil’ Chief family. Come celebrate the release of this overdue masterpiece.

1. The new May issue of A LOW HUM 2. The 12 track May A LOW HUM compilation CD featuring Disasteradio, Bison Bison, Raw Sugar, Ladyhawke, Yacht, Voom, Mestar, Ryan McPhun and the Ruby Suns, Kill Surf City, Popolice, James Duncan and Ryan Prebble.

3. The May A LOW HUM feature album- “Synthtease” by Disasteradio.

20 tracks of electro mayhem!

4. A copy of A LOW HUM’s Local Knowledge, issue 1, The guide to New Zealand for bands and music lovers.

All this for an extra 5 bucks!! Crazy.

Plus the first twenty people at each show to get the pack will receive a free copy of this months ace tour poster.

Rounding out the line-up are the most excellent local crew, Dynamo Go. I saw these guys take command of a crowded Valve in Wellington last week and they are fantastic. You could call their music a lot of things but I’ll go with charming pop music. These guys and girls have handfuls and possibly backpacks full of melody. Dynamo Go feature an interesting line-up with two keyboardists and a drummer who

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Just entry = 10 Bucks Or you can get entry and the May A LOW HUM take home doggy bag for 15 bucks. Here’s what the pack includes:

http://www.myspace.com/voomnz http://www.myspace.com/disasteradio http://www.myspace.com/killsurfcitygo http://www.myspace.com/alowhum http://www.dynamo-go.com/

Issue 9 · 8 May 2006

Issue 9 路 8 May 2006

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