Dump Spot Checks

Hamilton, the city of the future and nang capital of New Zealand. A roundabout haven connected via humped bridges that boasts all the flash of Tauranga with none of the beaches. To the uneducated outsider it may seem like a destination for hot air tomfoolery or more cowbell, but under the surface of City Council branding there exists a collection of hidden gems. None more so than the Hamilton Gardens.

Perhaps you’ve heard of them? If you have, then allow me to be more specific- the public toilets at the Hamilton Gardens.

Most tourists take little notice of the real attraction. It is not the provocative Surrealist Garden nor is it the simplistic, traditional Japanese Garden, it is in fact the humble toilets pushed off to one side. Most flower enthusiasts walk by none the wiser, opting instead to strategically pinch cheeks during their tour of especially beautiful greenery. But for those that have experienced it, whether they are seat up or seat down, scrunch or fold, they all know the same truth- it is the premier public toilet in all of Hamilton.

Sure, there are other destinations available to a Hamiltonian needing to piss, but none seem to enhance the experience quite like this. Picture serenity as you waddle in, pure New Zealand tree and bush exposed through a glass wall. Lush ferns so free and vibrant that it’s almost as if nature is observing you, pooping, in some kind of animal enclosure. It is a completely unique feeling for the toilet genre. All public piss and poo anxiety fades away as you are left with just nature and nature’s calling.

For the current official Hamilton Public Toilet Power Rankings please refer to the lists below.

1) Hamilton Gardens.

2) Riff Raff Statue – the pizzazz of the Rocky Horror Picture Show monument is backed up with the pizzazz of cutting-edge self-closing door technology.

3) The Base (but right in the corner next to Nandos).

4) Hamilton Libraries – free wifi.

5) Subway – smell of malted rye works to cover less pleasant aromas.

1) Any all-boys school toilet ever – to describe it would be to describe the eye of Sauron, it’sjust pure fucking evil.

2) Urine trough at Waikato Stadium.

3) Portaloo at Round the Bridges – nervous pre-race poo made infinitely worse with negative two ply toilet paper.

4) Cinemas – ‘you missed the best part!’

5) Waterworld.