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$5 DOLLAR WEEK ON NOW
01 JUNE 2015 UNPOPULAR OPINION Editor Jessica Wilson editor@nexusmag.co.nz Design Olivia Paris design@nexusmag.co.nz Deputy Editors Brittany Rose Jules Craft
01 EDITORIAL Unpopular Opinions
03 NEWS
Students: Get Ready For Paid Parking
07 SPORTS
NBA Free Agents to Watch this Offseason
Managing Editor James Raffan News Editor Sam Marelich Contributors Alexander Nebesky Alix Higby Chris Reive Jared Wooldridge Richard Swainson Caitlin Orton Hp Kelsie Moorland Tania Collins Peter Dornauf Jason Howarth Rebecca Pollard Emma Nygard Aunty Slut Drunk Professor Resident Gay Zac Lyon Johnny Ryan Interns Ashleigh Matthews Jessamy Topping Johnny Ryan Photography Dallas Houghton Advertising Andrew James aj@wsu.org.nz Offices Ground Floor, Student Union Building Gate One, University of Waikato Knighton Road, Hamilton Online nexusmag.co.nz facebook.com/nexusNZ @nexusmag Spotify: nexusmagazine
10 ENTERTAINMENT
Horoscopes / Trending on Twitter/ Please Don’t Quote Me / Beats by J / Yik Yak of the Week
12 REVIEWS
Poltergeist / Fusion Pizza / Because I am Furniture / The Good Fight
15 NEXUS 50 Nexus Babe of the Week
16 ARTS Performance Art
16 AUTEUR
Auteur Hosue Presents... Edith Head
18 FEATURES
No One Cares What You Think /Every Sperm is Sacred / Why John Key is the Man
27 SNAPPED Send us your snaps!
28 COLUMNS
The Single Life / ALC 101 / Aunty Slut / The Weekly Grind / She’s Abroad / A Fashionable Lifestyle
34 COOKING Chocolate Chip Cookies
36 YOUR SPACE Clean Boys: Melville
38 CARE This Semester in Photos!
40 PUZZLES
Editorial NEXUS MAGAZINE
Unpopular Opinions Jess Wilson
• Law students are not bad with money and they don’t base their self worth off of how many likes they get on Facebook. • Nexus is an alright magazine. • Computer science students share a lot of genetic material with the common mole. Like the mole, computer science students are able to sustain their unmuscular bodies on
Against popular knowledge, you can not in fact see the Great Wall of China from space, however you can see my big mouth up there. I’m outspoken, so much so that it causes me a lot of unnecessary conflict. This is our unpopular opinion issue and I’m about to dig myself a grave. Here are my unpopular opinions. • I can’t stand Disney.
a variety of non-food food items, such as ramen and Monster. Computer science students have a toxin in their saliva that can paralyse earthworms — luckily this toxin does not work on humans, hence why computer science students have such enviable sex lives. • Nexus doesn’t exist. Seriously, ask someone if they read Nexus, they will almost certainly reply that they don’t — why? Because Nexus is a magazine you created in your
• Girls shouldn’t have to shave (or wax or epilate or get
mentally ill mind to distract you from the demons that
laser hair removal a la one prick of an ex-boyfriend).
haunt you. Your real name is Andrew Laeddis, you look
Give me one reason why they should, other than it being
a lot like Leonardo DiCaprio, and you live in an insane
deemed socially acceptable in the past century. Bam!
asylum called Ashecliffe Hospital.
• I find practically all popular music intolerable. Trust me, I
• Jessica Wilson doesn’t even write any of her content,
want to like it, but last time I tried to listen to Tay Tay Swift
instead it is written by her ghostwriter, Joe Phantom.
I ended up burning down my couch and making a coat out
What’s the bet she won’t even sub-edit this. Why the
of the neighbour’s cat — and they didn’t even have a cat.
fuck does she get credit for my work? Fuck you Jess.
• Hard drugs are only illegal because those who use them live longer and healthier lives. It’s basic economics.
If you have any unpopular opinions, send them to lettuce@nexusmag.co.nz or forever hold your peace.
1
NEXUS MAGAZINE Lettuce
My Jokes Were Gold Paddy O’Furniture
Why did the Irish man wear two condoms? To be sure, to be sure.
Shame Shamers Shame Fat & Proud
Dear Jenny & Craig (that names not even funny) you are the reason people feel to ashamed to go out in public. You are the reason people have depression from childhood. you are why that people cry at night. You know maybe I would work and
Sssshhhh
eat out but its people like you who stop us “fattys” from loving ourselfs enough
Calm The Fuck Down
skinny people supposed to eat more. you logic is FLAWED.
to do so. plus even though I am a larger person, I eat food that is just as healthy as 99.99999% of my skinny friends. and also I DON’T shame them because aren’t
Cheers to all the $5 coffee drinking douche bags who could barely shut up for a minutes silence for the 7,000+ people that were killed in the Nepalese ignored the fact that cultural performances were going on within 10 metres
Souper!
and proceeded to talk in your loudest “gossiping over the music in Bar101
Anon
Earthquake at the Waikato for Nepal event. To add insult to injury you
voice” during the whole event. I knew Waikato students were apathetic but I had no idea they could be so completely oblivious.
It’s great to see how well students are doing these days - the affluence is impressive! With litres of soup left in the pot this week, it seems that there’s too much cash
I Was Lied To Sick of mi-goreng
in our pockets - in what world are students able to turn down fresh, nutritious, homemade minestrone? If they’re so willing to pass this up, either Momento has stepped up their game immeasurably, or student allowances are far too generous. With this affluence in mind, I propose a toast (although it seems you already have plenty). To spending all your money buying food on campus, whinging about the
9/11 was a lie, the moon landings didn’t happen and the University lied to me on open day. Here I was promised an epic djs on a tuesday, free sausage
quality and price, and refusing to take advantage of the opportunities staring you in the face.
sizzles and a clean lake to frame this free lunch. I dropped $50k and all I got was this shitty certificate. I think for that sort of coin I feel entitled to at least 3 sausages.
Law Stein Was MINE! Just Had Sex
Wait... There Was Free V Anon
Has Nexus got hookups for free V during study leave or do I have to wait for the next election for something before I get free stuff just for being around. Soup is ok but it doesn’t help me stay awake in tuesday morning marketing lectures.
The Law Stein was a night to remember. At the beginning of the night I locked eyes with a bird, no less than a ten, and from thereon the counting began. A hand up the shirt, she was scratching my back with tension. She wanted me.
Disclaimer Letters published contain the opinion of the writer and the writer alone. Nexus publications take no responsibility for the content or
We went back to her place and we got it off ;) and on for at least four hours.
opinions so expressed. By submitting your letter you give consent to its
When the sun came up I was out of there like a cheap piece of swimwear.
publication in Nexus and subsequent public scrutiny. Letters are the authors
It was a night to remember. So Id like to thank the law kids for the party and the dark lighting that drew that bird to me (and I to her because in the morning she was a solid five).
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own work and Nexus will not edit to compensate for lack of intelligence or coherency. Nexus reserves the right to edit or refuse to publish any letter which breaches any law, is defamatory to any person, or contains threats of violence or hate speech. Email your lettuce to lettuce@nexusmag.co.nz
News NEXUS MAGAZINE
NEWS FROM THE UNIVERSITY
GET SET FOR B SEMESTER If you haven’t already added your July papers, now’s the time. To add or change papers, complete a Change of Enrolment through iWaikato or check out what’s available in our catalogue of papers. For more info call 0800 WAIKATO (0800 924 528) or visit www.waikato.ac.nz/study/ enrol/b-semester
PARKING FEES COMING Team up with your mates, dust off your bike, or grab a bus. The University will introduce parking fees, about $2 a day, from A Semester 2016 and is considering weekly or monthly rates. Students are encouraged to think sustainably and find alternative means of transport if possible. More details will be made available later.
STRESSED ABOUT EXAMS? The Student Counselling Service is hosting workshops on reducing exam stress on Thursday 4 June, 1-2pm in K.3.20, Hamilton and on Thursday 4 June, 11-12pm in DT427, Bongard Centre and 2-3pm in C6, Windermere, Tauranga. Email mariar@waikato.ac.nz to register.
KICK-START YOUR CAREER Need help planning your career? Book in for a Hamilton or Tauranga workshop this month. Interview Skills: Tue 2 June, 10-11am on level 1, Student Centre, Hamilton. CV Writing Workshop: Wed 3 June, 1-2pm on level 1, Student Centre, Hamilton. Social Media/LinkedIn: Wed 3 June, 1-2pm in DT203, Bongard Centre, Tauranga. Book in at www.waikato.ac.nz/sasd/careers/workshops2015.shtml
WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT The First-Year Engineering Design Challenge race day is on Friday 5 June, 10am-3.30pm at Oranga Lake, Hamilton. Come and support the
SOCIAL DANCE CLASSES
teams as they race their custom-designed boats against other students and staff.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a seasoned dancer or have two left feet, Unity Dance Club runs a social class for all levels. Every Wednesday from 1-2pm in PA.G.03, Academy of Performing Arts, Hamilton, you’ll learn a different style of dance each week, including jazz, ballroom, hip-hop, contemporary, and more. Registration costs $20 a semester. For more info, join Unity Dance Club on Facebook. 3
NEXUS MAGAZINE News
NEXUS NEWS BOARD REPORT
THE EXEC-UTION SQUAD VS THE PURPLE SHOES OF DEATH
Oooooh drama! Shit is going down. She has a name. Pistols at noon. Jadeine is
Alex Nebesky, Alix Higby, Brittany Rose, Sam Marelich
We’d like to meet with Dave. That’s exactly what someone who wasn’t plotting
referred to solely as “Zanian’s girlfriend” by Roy, and as she is President of student club Feminists @ Waikato this was an unwise move by Roy. 1955 called Roy, the delorean is waiting.
would say. FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! They didn’t fight what a fucking waste. Last Tuesday Nexus attended a WSU board meeting because no student ever seems to want to. What follows is exactly what happened…. in our stream of consciousness anyway. Nexus enters, and takes a collective seat against the back wall like the trouble makers we are. Shannon offers the team compliments, because once again, the
Roy talks about TOMORROW which IS A BAKE SALE that’s gonna be long gone by the time you read this. Lol. THE NUMBER OF BAKE SALES IS TIED DIRECTLY TO THE NUMBER OF NATURAL DISASTERS IN THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES. Is this a fair trade? We say yes. We hope we will debate this in the next board meeting.
board seems afraid.
Jadeine pulls a face at a comment by Shannon, Shannon pulls a face back.
Giving fewer fucks than usual, Kate decided that a trip to Parliament was more
Someone please either crack open the Ready Salted or toss ‘em our way. (They
important than yet another board meeting. Melissa seemed quieter than usual
might be a potential weapon).
until we heard her name read in the apologies.
Roy wants to personally aid Nepal. Which you know is kinda legit because he
Unsure what to expect from our first meeting we’re first ambushed by the board’s
helped out Christchurch and he has army skills. Ok, Nexus is now a proud supporter
fashion. Style icon Zanian Steele rocks epic lilac laceups — a slight departure from
of earthquakes. “Knock the bastard off” to quote the late great Sir Ed. Shannon
his usual pyjama like outfits (oh, you say, now I know who they mean). Meanwhile
also wants to go to Nepal, but it was Roy’s idea first. Fucking rekt.
General Manager Dave dresses in a sexy ‘WSU’ branded v neck (very 2011 really) and looks sad. It’s okay Davo, we were told this would only take 1-2 hours tops. The snacks are not healthy and Nexus is not impressed. Potato chips are on offer at the board table, for everyone but us. Is it so hard to pass the peasants a Jet Plane? Roy gives Charlotte a warm welcome to the board. He didn’t greet Jade. Maybe they’ve got bad blood? Taylor Swift and Kendrick Lamar would make this a better meeting. Shannon regularly shoots disapproving glances at Nexus as we type too loudly,
Fuck, can we go somewhere and stay in a tent? Finally, something relevant. Orientation! O week might be pushed to the week before classes? If it’s not about skipping classes to drink, what is it about then? Shannon connects with the students by saying she’s been into an ‘actual lecture’. Personally, we wouldn’t come to O week if we didn’t already have an obligation to go to class. And that will impact the number of free things WSU gives us. HOLLA.
sit seductively and generally do life better than the board, whispering amongst
Meeting is closed, Shannon continues yarning. Still going. Meeting is halfway closed,
each other.
everyone is milling about and hasn’t committed to leaving. Are these their only friends?
Much like Zanian’s footwear, Vice Chancellor Prof. Quigley also makes a notable
Zanian concludes, “thank you for the food.”
appearance — navy pinstripe pants, matching jacket, black leather shoes, tie a
We do not thank the board for the food.
near identical shade of navy. He has places to be, discusses his stuff first in a slow, monotonous and drawn out voice. Long pauses, lots of “therefore”s, and a bunch of controversy we cannot yet repeat. Thanks for the heads up, Quigz! Roy states he wasn’t comfortable with Dave being the returning officer for the byelection, for “reasons he can’t discuss now”. Apparently this was “inappropriate” and Dave is a dangerous precedent. Dangerous president???? Dave 4 Pres! Move over Jeb, Rand, Bernie, Hillary — fuck it, GAP IT OBAMA WE’VE GOT A BETTER CANDIDATE. Zanian and Roy have decided to argue. Zanian was spending too much time
WORD RATIO DURING MEETING Shannon 20% Roy 10% Dave 15% Zanian 20% Indula 5%
with Dave prior to the by-election, in which his girlfriend Jadeine, and now newly
Jade 8%
elected member of the board, was running. Must’ve been the sexy v-neck. Don’t
(bonus points for snark)
know how Roy worked this out — never seen him in the office.
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Pape 3% (“I have to go”) Sophie 0% (ate some chips though) Charlotte 0% (she gets points for writing either notes or sick doodles throughout). Fewer notes, more jokes Charlotte. Email to editor@nexusmag.co.nz.
News NEXUS MAGAZINE
NEWS FEATURE
STUDENTS: GET READY FOR PAID PARKING
suburbs and unlike Auckland, Dunedin, and Palmerston North, there is no tertiary
Sam Marelich
transport options.” Which is an epic claim because this is the first we’ve heard
concession on public transport. Apparently the Vice-Chancellor “...appreciates the feedback he’s had from staff and students that’s focused on improving the quality and affordability of public about any of it. We will give him credit for meeting with transport planners at both the Waikato Regional and Hamilton City Council. He requested they give
Do you ever feel like StudyLink is just too generous? That increase from Steven
further consideration to running “point to point” bus services to the University in
Joyce of $.90 for living costs giving you dreams of champagne lunches and island
the morning and evenings and that they give serious consideration to a student
resort retreats?
fare concession on public bus services. The only problem with that is the Regional
Fresh into the job, Vice-Chancellor, Professor Neil Quigley, has shown he’s not just at uni to eat his lunch, announcing that pay for parking is coming in 2016 — and it’s not just for staff members. Earlier this semester Nexus ran a feature that covered the proposed changes, with the concern that paid parking could become an issue for students following the introduction of parking for staff. Since then it’s been revealed that students will also be hit with the parking fees. While the overall aim is, as Professor Quigley puts it, “...designed to make us more aware of the financial and environmental costs resulting from the increasing demand for parking spaces.” Because as we know, students just have cash sitting around in vast quantities. On paper the numbers stack up — parking is a major cost for the university
Council (who run the bus system) have never cared about tertiary students and don’t show any indication of starting soon. According to the Regional Transport Plan that’s driving public transport in Hamilton (and surrounding areas) for the next ten years, “Almost 50 per cent of users are at high school or undertaking tertiary studies,” it then goes on to state, “...young people are a significant public transport user group within Hamilton, particularly to access educational facilities.” The proposal that the Waikato Students’ Union put in last year seems to have been given a very token glance over followed by a ‘maybe one day’ answer. We aren’t saying that the Regional Council can’t be trusted, but they commissioned a study that found 96% of passengers are satisfied or very satisfied with their bus trip which makes you wonder if they asked real people.
($250,000+ every year) and takes up valuable land. Paid parking will reduce
While it’s less of a financial concern, but potentially terrible over the long term
demand and help recoup the cost of providing parking related services.
concern is the way that decision has been made. Newly elected director Jadeine
Ask anyone who’s tried to get a park after 9am — we’ve got a shortage that
McLeod commented “It is alarming that the VC has made this decision without
rivals the Auckland housing market. Ask your heartless economist, accounting or
consulting students. It sets a dangerous precedent for future decisions that will
hardcore business friends — this is the perfect time to introduce a fee to park.
affect us.” The vast majority of people on campus during the academic year are
While the rate isn’t excessive ($2 a day), it’s more than nothing.
students and no real consultation appears to have been made.
Further justification has come from the Vice-Chancellor, asserting that we are
The aim is noble but it’s a bit rich when someone earning over $450,000 tries
“...out of step with other large employers and other universities” which would
to tell you about being aware of the financial costs associated with living,
be appropriate if students got even close to what a full-time worker makes. It’s
especially given the suburban location of the university and complete lack of
also worth pointing out that unlike most universities, Waikato is based in the
transport options. 5
NEXUS MAGAZINE News
NEWS
EURO TRASH Alexander Nebesky
There are two ways of looking at the long running European song contest Eurovision — as a massive joke or as a really massive joke. Looking at it in any other light makes it unbearable. That said, amongst the trashy Eurodance and peace songs that are so lacking in subtlety they may as well be bludgeoning you with a sledgehammer of cooperation, there are some real gems. This year, for instance, the song delivered by the European nation of Australia. Eurovision is a bunch of European nations (and now, Australia), sending pop singers and musicians to compete for votes from around Europe and each nation’s panel of judges. This year’s theme was “building bridges” which is vague to say the least.
MEASURING DICKS: A SEAT ON THE SECURITY COUNCIL FOR NZ?
Nexus picked our favourites long in advance (four days ago), agreeing
Alexander Nebesky
third was anybody’s game. Difficult decisions given this year’s selection
that Australia’s entry of Guy Sebastian was going to win because the song Tonight Again is straight pop fire; Austria would do well because they set a piano on fire and their song, I Am Yours, was sweet and rather pretty; was a bit shit. England’s song had no chorus and relied on nostalgia, Russia
National have chased it for years, but what the hell does a seat on the United Nations’ Security Council even mean? Is it just another dick measuring competition for John Key or does it actually have some relevance? The United Nations’ Security Council is one of six main components of the United Nations, and is charged with maintaining peace and collective security as well as approving alterations to the UN charter. Made up of The Big Five — Britain, Russia, China, France, and America, the Security Council also has five temporary members. Despite the fact that any member of The Big Five can veto any resolution, and the fact that in most cases the UN has been paralysed by disagreement which generally result in a heroic amount of inaction *cough (Israel/Palestine) cough* it’s a pretty big deal to be elected to the council and would put us at the forefront of United Nations’ decision-making. New Zealand has won a seat on the council for the 2015-16 period, but what next? New Zealand’s bid for a seat gained 145 votes, a considerable number for such a small country — but this does not come without challenges. Speaking to Stuff. co.nz, special diplomatic envoy Colin Keating said, “We’ll have more expectations on us, than what Spain has,” and he wasn’t just bagging on Spain. New Zealand’s platform was to represent smaller nations and stand up for the rights of the often-overlooked, and our solidarity and unity as a nation is what pushed us ahead of other contenders who had more prominent domestic divisions or economic troubles. The New Zealand Security Council website outlines in a lovely blue font that, “We are committed to being independent and providing a voice for small states. We aim to achieve practical results and to make a positive impact on international peace and security.” That’s reassuring news. But the most important change New Zealand seems to be pushing is the abolition or reduction of The Big Five’s veto right. We’ve done the maths and we actually quite like a situation where Russia can’t block everything good in the world just to piss off America (alongside the fact that it actually makes the council democratic). Not a bad result for a dick measuring competition.
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was generic as fuck (A Million Voices? More like A Million Ukrainian Voices Silenced! Don’t pretend to sing peace songs Russia), and Israel’s entry was just bad. Eventually mediocrity won out (just like last year but without any gimmicks) with Sweden’s bland entry Heroes — a shittier version of the David Bowie song of the same name. Russia came second, presumably because they threatened to annex anyone who didn’t vote for them, and nobody cares about the rest of the results except that Australia got fifth. Australia is the best EU nation anyway, they don’t need Eurovision to validate themselves.
Sports NEXUS MAGAZINE
SPORTS OPINION
HIGH FIVE
NBA FREE AGENTS TO WATCH THIS OFFSEASON
QUALITY SPORTS MOVIES
Chris Reive
Coach Carter In this biographical film, Coach Carter (Samuel L. Jackson) takes the reins of a top high-school basketball team. He notices they have terrible attitudes is set to teach them discipline and respect. It’s full of drama, basketball,
So with the regular season long gone and the playoffs reaching an end,
and Samuel L. Jackson.
it’s time to start speculating about where certain players are going to be applying their trade next season. Here are a few players who should have a
Remember the Titans This is one of the most inspirational
bunch of suitors and where I think they will end up.
movies based on sport there is. Based in 1971, Herman Boone
LaMarcus Aldridge for me is the biggest free agent this year. LA has played his career to date with the Portland Trailblazers and has been the team’s anchor. However, I think his time in Portland is up. There has been a lot of talk that the San Antonio Spurs and New York Knicks will be in hot pursuit of the big man where he will be sure to have a leading role. With Tim Duncan expected to retire, I would think Aldridge will take up an offer from the Spurs and be the cornerstone to build a new dynasty around. Jimmy Butler had a breakout season in 2014/15, and has made a name for
(Denzel Washington) is hired to coach the football team of a desegregated school. If the team lose one game, he’s fired. Lots of drama, scuffling and overcoming of differences. Happy Gilmore I suppose with this one it depends on if you like Adam Sandler. In any case, this is one of his finest moments. Happy Gilmore is a hilarious tale of a hockey player turned golfer who takes on the pros and chaos ensues. If you’ve never seen it, you really should.
himself as a max-deal player. The New York Knicks will probably be offering whatever they can to whoever they can — they need help. Another scoring
The Mighty Ducks A bit of 90s nostalgia here. After being
option like Butler will perfectly compliment Carmelo Anthony. Butler
done for DUI, Gordon Bombay (Emilio Estevez) is sentenced
can also defend, pass and rebound so would be an asset for the Knicks.
to community service and has to coach a local peewee hockey
Unfortunately for them, I think if the Chicago Bulls offer him a max-deal or
team that has no facilities, equipment or talent in general. He
anything near it, he’ll stay put.
takes them on and they get somewhat kind of decent.
Rajon Rondo is an interesting one as he needs the ball in his hands to be effective. He is an assist guy, then a rebounder, then a points scorer — often missing out on triple doubles because of lack of scoring. He can score in bursts, but prefers to set guys up. I hope he is signed by the Lakers so that he and Kobe can form that partnership of assists and scoring most people were hoping would eventuate with Kobe and Steve Nash being on the same team.
Cinderella Man Set during the 1930s during the Great Depression, ex-boxer James J. Braddock (Russell Crowe) is struggling for work get another shot in the ring. His first fight back impresses pretty much everyone and, much to his wife’s dislike, he takes up boxing again.
MEET
RACHEL CURRAN
Name Rachel Curran Sport Olympic Weightlifting
What drives you to continue to push yourself in the sport? The support I have from people around me. Training can get rather repetitive and a little lonely as there are few
What’s your training like? Depends on the day. I lift
weightlifters in Hamilton and my coach is in Auckland.
weights every time I train to hone technique and increase
That being said, I have a lot of support from my coach —
strength. I usually train in the snatch technique on a Monday
always answering my questions and giving me feedback
— finishing with front squats and core, Wednesday tends
on technique. The other people that support me are my
towards the clean and jerk technique with back squats and
family, friends and the University.
core to follow, and Friday is either whichever technique is feeling weaker, or a mock competition style day where I do snatch to a certain weight and number of reps and then clean and jerk to a certain weight and number of reps. Who inspired you to take up weightlifting? No one really inspired me to take up weightlifting. At the time I didn’t really know much about weightlifting, but during
What’s the earliest memory you have of competing? In weightlifting; it was the Auckland Champs in 2013. I competed against a number of other women and I placed first for my age and weight category. What has been the highlight of your career to date? Secondary School Nationals, first in age and weight category.
the annual parent-teacher-interviews, my PE teacher
What are you goals for the future, near and distant?
recommended to my parents that I would be suited
Place in the top three for my age and weight category.
to it. She (my teacher) gave my parents details for The
Qualify for the National Championships and Trans-Tasman
Millennium Institute of Sport and Health because they had
clashes. Distant future: qualify for the Commonwealth
a well established weightlifting club there.
Games and proudly represent New Zealand as an athlete. 7
NEXUS MAGAZINE Left vs. Right
2015 BUDGET Bill English’s 2015 budget was announced on the 21st of May. The real question on everyone’s mind was, and still is, “Was it any good?” Left vs Right attempts to answer this question. LEFT
RIGHT
“A plan that’s working.” That’s what Bill English calls his latest government
It was never going to be as exciting as a traditional Labour lolly scramble, but
budget. The second nature micro-management and tweaking of little incentives
National’s budget did the right thing for the country (again). Other than a total
and “obligations” is classic National. It’s more rhetoric than action, which is
lack of inaction on superannuation and under-spending on tertiary education,
probably why cops and inconvenienced establishment figures were confronted
Bill English delivered a budget that pissed off the far right and the left in
by protesters following the PM’s post-budget speech to assembled elites.
general — which indicates that it delivered on what middle New Zealand wants.
They were so disgusted that anyone had the temerity to confront them loudly, physically even.
While the narrative of ‘John Key and all his wealthy pals don’t care about the poor’ is an easy one to spin, it’s not accurate as National delivers the first
The Government has framed their latest budget as compassionate, about
benefit increase outside of inflation since 1972. It makes you wonder — given
helping those living with economic hardship. Yes, some benefits go up, while
the supposedly perfect economic management of Helen Clark’s government,
other people are required to jump through more hoops to keep their support.
and supposed care for the poor and disenfranchised, why it takes a fiscally
Working out the net result isn’t straight forward, and ultimately, it’s all premised
conservative leader to make an actual change. No doubt, the mirage surplus is
on the Treasury’s long, safe projections of mild wage increases, improving
a bit of a failure on National’s part, but it takes a heartless ACT supporter to
exports, and general stability. Predictions which have proved very fallible in the
disagree with the way they chose to spend that surplus money. However, if we are
recent past.
realistic, Bill English still has two more budgets to go, and provided the Auckland
So what is the perspective of the protestors? Perhaps, that monomaniacal drive to look ‘responsible’ and push endlessly for surplus when there are hungry
housing bubble deflates rather than explodes and the milk price starts moving to the right direction, there should be plenty of extra cash to play around with.
children, people with inadequate housing, cities in need of regeneration, and
Cutting the Kiwisaver kick start payment of $1000 was a step in the right
resources idle is nothing more than theft and vandalism.
direction — removing middle class and corporate welfare should be top of its
The government, in pushing this line, is the opposite of responsible. We’re being forced to swallow a false constraint that allows only the quibbling, stingy, concessions to the health of the nation. A truly concerned government — in the absence of resource or labour constraints, a fixed or non-sovereign currency, or some other uncontrollable factor — simply mobilises the resources necessary to solve the real problems which most of its citizens care most about and worries about less important things later. Instead, every time the budget comes around, we get a technocratic game of doling out pieces of an imaginary pot of money, balancing public concern with political theatre, business interests and the rules of economic ‘soundness’ as dictated by defunct economists. And again, the opposition plays their part by attacking or giving reluctant praise to the specific distribution of our imaginary fund instead of demystifying the harmless inevitability of deficits or calling into question the dogma of ‘balanced’ budgets at all times, or even demanding universal standards of living be met first.
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list of priorities. It’d be great to see an increase in the age for the super and a bit more support for tertiary students, but John Key made a promise to the oldies back in opposition. There isn’t really any defence for the lack of love towards tertiary students, except to say the average middle aged kiwi doesn’t give a shit about young people battling through university and National pander to that demographic pretty heavily. We need to see the National and Labour parties for what they are — a group of politicians playing games to grab as much power as possible and hang on for as long as possible. That’s the reality and has always been the reality. If you are a true believer and only spend your time championing select causes at the expense of everything else you become irrelevant. National moving to the centre left gobbles yet more of the popular vote while giving ACT (and possibly the Conservatives) some breathing room, while Labour argues over identity politics, moving ever further from the lives of the average Kiwi. At this rate, four terms are coming closer to reality every day.
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Entertainment
HOROSCOPES
TRENDING ON TWITTER
Aries (March 21 — April 19) You have done some immoral things out of abject student
#CHARLIECHARLIECHALLENGE
poverty, but that’s okay, you’re allowed. You are a desperate undergraduate destined for greatness. Concerned about karma? Be extra nice to the MSC lady this week, she seems to hate her job. To read this week: Crime & Punishment. Taurus (April 20 — May 20) Stand up for yourself, small adult. You needn’t be anyone’s bitch. Pack your dignity and subservience into a rucksack and walk out of
srry about the laugh @BrooklynDW · May 27 White people will summon a Mexican demon into their homes but will tell a Mexican man to leave “their” country #charliecharliechallenge 52
that group meeting. On your reading list: Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Gemini (May 21 — June 20) Oh wow is that your bank statement? Yeesh. That sucks bro. Lucky the WSU is offering free soup this week or you’d starve. Be nice to Ria and she might give you seconds. For light reading turn to Dickens’ classic: Oliver Twist. Cancer (June 21 — July 22) We all have dreams and ambitions oh wee one, and reputation will help you conquer the wealth portion of them. But for true happiness
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| @ianvmatthew · May 27 will iggy ever release a song i don’t hate #charliecharliechallenge 37
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Giving solo dms @AriDrewCyrus · May 26 How to do #charliecharliechallenge correctly 1197
and acceptance shrug that faux National supporting, farming family, rich kid veil and
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embrace your Tokoroa roots. For your bookshelf: Great Gatsby. Leo (July 23 — August 22) Sometimes things get so bleak all you can do is laugh. As exams approach this my friend, will be your medicine. While you teach yourself the class you’ve skipped all semester, use the experience to polish off your satire and dry wit and survive 50% unscathed. Post-exam distress with: Slaughterhouse Five. Virgo (August 23 — September 22) People say you’re childish and live in a fantasy world. Bro, fuck them. You’re just optimistic and so incredibly lucky! You’ve been blessed with high chances of success based on no real talent or skill, why not capitalise and let that carry you through?! Onward. For your procrastination: Harry Potter (any)
WHAT’S HOT WHAT’S NOT
or Lord of the Rings (any). Libra (September 23 — October 22) Ever meet someone so incredibly intimidating, like they’ve endured a real something and your three years in undergrad PR has taught you nothing? This is a trick. People talk them up because getting to really know them is just too hard for the average fellow. Proceed if you have the perseverance. If not: talk to someone a little less accomplished like say, anyone else in the management school. Read of the Week: Ulysses. Scorpio (October 23 — November 21) REVENGE! So not worth it. For evidence to this effect: Moby Dick. Sagittatrius (November 22 — December 21) Feeling a bit down at the mo? That’s all good. It happens. Take a breather, feign a common cold to your boss, and relax and
WHAT’S HOT 1. Free soup. 2. Telling people on Yik Yak that you just masturbated. 3. Nexus publically humiliating contributors via the puzzles page.
unwind with US Netflix (global mode, what). Definitely do not read: The Bell Jar. Capricorn (December 22 — January 19) Yo, don’t try to be the hero; they don’t exist here. All your mates are out for themselves, so you can drown with your morals intact or be an opportunistic social climber like the rest of the Law School. Ohhhh damn, too easy: Vanity Fair for you. Aquarius (January 20 — February 18) An increase in workload only means one thing: the university is trying to keep you down. If you spend your time busy with assignments it means you’re just another sheeple too distracted by valueless letter grades to notice how much this university has extorted you for. Do you even check how much your classes cost?! For some clarity this week we suggest: Nineteen Eighty-Four. Pisces (February 19 — March 20) If you’re still reading Nexus Magazine you need: The Bible.
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WHAT’S NOT 1. When your throat burns because the air is so fucking cold. 2. Sending dick pics to the Nexus Snapchat @nexusmag. Please stop sending them to @nexusmag. @nexusmag doesn’t like them. 3. The declining quality of a certain chainstore’s clothing which may or may not rhyme with ‘Child Hair’.
N.12 / V.47
Entertainment NEXUS MAGAZINE
PLEASE DON’T QUOTE ME
BEATS BY J
“I THINK HER SUCCESS IS A LITTLE BIT OF A CONSPIRACY BY ESTABLISHED PRINT MEDIA.” – Scott ‘The Sartorialist’ Shumann on Tavi ‘Rookie’ Gevinson’s success
“CTRAILS TO ME ARE THE EASIEST ... FOR MY FOLLOWERS TO UNDERSTAND.” – Kylie Jenner believes in chemtrails
“YEAH, YOU’RE FUCKED.”
Avicii Waiting For Love Rich Homie Quan Flex (Ooh, Ooh)
– Robert De Niro dropping a truth-bomb on art graduates.
Yolanda Be Cool Soul Makossa (Money) Hot Chip Started Right Ella Eyre Together Florence + The Machines Delilah
YIK YAK OF THE WEEK
Charli XCX, Rita Ora Doing It (Carmada Remix) Zedd Jon Bellion Beautiful Now
To the guy sitting opposite me in the library who just whispered to his muffin,’ I fucking hate you ‘ I hope your day gets better bro
Kilter Want 2 Hermitude Ukiyo
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BEST OF THE WEB
WEIRD CATS OF INSTAGRAM
@vhamster
@exoticshorthair_chocolate
@smushball
@kitchan523
“Please fill my taco tongue with bonito
His name is Mr Chocolate and his
First step: Instagram. Second step:
She’s a British shorthair and he’s an
flakes and guacamole.” That is all.
tongue must get SO dry. He looks
world domination. The Persian Doll
Exotic shorthair, together they make
like the sort of dude to drop some
Face is as adorable as she is terrifying.
up the husband and wife team, Nono
#realtalk on you in times of weakness.
and Neon. Cats are people too. 11
NEXUS MAGAZINE Reviews
FILM REVIEW
FOOD REVIEW
POLTERGEIST
FUSION PIZZA
Jared Wooldridge
Caitlin Orton
There is a big problem with updating a horror movie from the
The key to a good date night is pizza. Pizza and Netflix.
80’s for today. It is that EVERYTHING has been done twice,
Why would you get dressed up and go out, spending your hard
remade, rebooted, prequeled, sequeled, and recycled since
earned loan on a fancy dining experience when you could just as
then. Remember when Paranormal Activity was groundbreaking
easily move into the post honeymoon period early instead (i.e
and terrifying? And that was only eight years ago! Poltergeist,
staying home)? As our favourite advertising Mexican child would
an updated version of the 1982 movie, has to be even better
say, “Why don’t we have both?”
than the original then, to scare in this new age of horror. Yeah,
Because both is Fusion Pizza.
it does not manage that. Even without thinking of the original, Poltergeist just does not have what it takes to make you piss yourself with fear for a 2015 audience.
of table etiquette. Not to mention the awesome deals available to us, “Any large pizza for $9.99 on a Sunday!” or “3 pizzas for
You know the story. The new family in the block moves into
$33 on a Thursday!” — These are just some of the amazing
their new house, except uh-oh: HAUNTED! Indeed, there is
benefits of Fusion that don’t break the bank. Because of this I
a malevolent spirit hiding out in their new pad (a poltergeist,
assumed it would take a while for our order to go through, but
funnily enough), and it is out for blood... except this is a bloodless
the man on the other end of the phone assured me it would only
horror movie. Sure, you can scare people without blood, but
be ten minutes. Ten minutes later I was sitting at home shoving
it just seems so tame. There are a few good scares (more “my
pizza into my mouth and wondering how any man couldn’t find
goodness, that startled me!” than “I want my Mommy”), and
this attractive.
clowns are always handy to increase the creepy factor, but it just
What’s perfect about Fusion Pizza Bar is how accessible it is for
does not succeed at being horrific.
students, especially because of its close location on Grey Street
The cast, talented as they are, try their best, and they are pleasant to watch. But pleasant watching and the best acting in the world does not scary make, and if you fail to make me terrified of falling asleep that night, then you fail at horror. Poltergeist ends up being another pointless remake trotted out and tamed by studio looking for a quick buck. The only scary thing about this movie is the idea that there could be a sequel.
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It’s a gourmet meal without the social stresses and expectations
N.12 / V.47
— a five minute drive from the campus. If you’re planning on missing a Halls dinner or you’re craving something other than two minute noodles, then screw Dominoes, go for gold with Fusion. Try a Bacon Tease or a Meatofus, two pizzas you could never regret. Ditch the tummy tuckers and grab your fat pants because Fusion Pizza is the future
Reviews NEXUS MAGAZINE
BOOK REVIEW
BOOK REVIEW
BECAUSE I AM FURNITURE BY THALIA CHALTAS
THE PIPER’S SON BY MELINA MARCHETTA
Kelsie Morland
Tania Collins
This novel is one of the more unknown texts that I’ve reviewed.
Tom Piper has spent the past five years doing a lot of drinking, a
Published in 2009, I happened upon Because I Am Furniture in
lot of drugs, and sleeping with a lot of girls. He doesn’t speak to
a secondhand bookstore and originally bought it for the cool
either of his parents, was kicked out of his flat, and pushed away
cover. Upon opening the book I was not at all disappointed. This
the only girl he’s ever really wanted. He also unexpectedly lost
is one of the most tragic novels I’ve read and it took a while for
his favourite uncle and that has blown his life and family apart.
me to recover once reading it.
My favourite part about Tom is that, even though he does a lot of
Because I Am Furniture is a definite tear-jerker. The emotional
bad things and just generally behaves badly, underneath it all he
and sensory overload at times can be a little overwhelming, but
is decent and loyal. He may not talk to the girls he accidentally
the plot keeps the reader interested. Telling a story from the
became friends with in high school, but if he hears that anyone
point of view of a teen and all of her horrific experiences, there
has hurt them or messed with them in any way, he will hunt that
is something about this particular book. Sometimes hard to
person down and make it right.
stomach, the content will shock and disgust which does require perseverance.
Tom is broken, damaged and, at times, unlikeable, but that is what makes him and his voice unapologetically realistic. I felt
The structure of this novel can be better described as extended
like I was not only in Tom’s head but right there in the scenes
poetry. Beautifully (which seems an odd word to describe
experiencing it all along with him; every bad decision, every
the happenings in this novel) succinct imagery makes for a
private moment of grief, every disappointment, and every
devastating story. Because there is minimal text on the pages,
lashing out. I was along for the ride.
this book makes for an incredibly easy read but it is emotionally exhausting. From domestic abuse, sexual abuse to murder this book will keep you hooked from opening to end.
With The Piper’s Son, Melina Marchetta has crafted a poignant story about grief, the intricacies of friendship, and the disfunction of family.
Although this is a difficult read and a bit of an overload it is definitely worth the read.
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Reviews
MUSIC REVIEW
MUSIC REVIEW
THE GOOD FIGHT BY ODDISEE
I KNOW THERE’S GONNA BE (GOOD TIMES) LP BY JAMIE XX
Hp
Jessica Wilson
Funk-filled Washington DC rapper, Oddisee, is back with his
Jamie xx loves nostalgia. Evident in his critically-acclaimed
new album The Good Fight. While it can be hard to decipher
album We’re New Here with Gil Scott-Heron (with one track, I’ll
exactly which number record this is — he has put out a stack of
Take Care of U, even being covered by Drake and Rihanna) and
mixtapes and a collection of EP’s and records with his crew The
his track All Under One Roof Raving, a sentimental look at the
Diamond District, this is easily the sharpest, slickest, and best
UK hardcore scene. More recently, nostalgia featured again in
of his solo work.
his 2015 debut album In Colour, featuring an iconic sample from
Opener, That’s Love, is an ode to all those who have helped Oddisee in his musical and other quests and it’s a true loving reflection. It’s joyous, buoyant, and uplifting. And that really is
Idris Muhammad’s Could Heaven Ever Be Like This in Loud Places — which was edited in the exact same way as Chrome Sparks’ 2013 track Marijuana, but that’s far from the point.
the best representation of this album. The beats here are filled
His newest track, I Know There’s Gonna Be (Good Times) also
with frantic keys and horns and Oddisee is a prodigious master
gives us a ‘blast from the past’ (kill me), with a sample from the
of ceremonies. He switches pace, tone, and topic at will; flipping
Persuasion’s 1972 single Good Times — however the track also
and twisting his lyrics like a gymnast. His rhyming goes from
features two artists who represent the decline of good hip hop:
sonic syllable spitting to laid back and reflective in one song and
Young Thug and Popcaan. Jamie xx is trying to stick to what’s
sometimes (like in Want Something Done) within the same verse.
working for him whilst appealing to younger audiences and,
There are so many tracks on this album that could and should be prominent radio-friendly singles. First Choice has Oddisee playing the role of hook and rhythm with his vocals and even
in doing so, fails spectacularly. Young Thug is shit. Absolutely astoundingly shit. Popcaan is also shit, though to a slightly lesser extent on the shit-o-meter.
listening closely it seems next to impossible how he has enough
Jamie xx is a talented artist, he created The xx — the band that
breath to hold it all together. Book Covers is also soulful and
made me feel special for being depressed; the band that gave
filled with storybook lyrics. Considering there isn’t a high chance
my 16-year-old cousin the idea to get a large tattoo of an ‘x’, and
these songs will take over radio waves, time to get a hold of
the band that probably is the reason Drake cries so much (we
them and make your own radio.
already know he listens to them). But Jamie xx’s first attempt at musical progression is as intolerable as it is tragic. With our expectations falling, can he earn our love again?
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N.12 / V.47
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Arts
Performance Art Peter Dornauf
decades — Jaws, Lord of the Rings, The Dark Knight, et al. When the movies finished playing, the sets were wheeled across and dunked in a trough filled with water then towed away into the night on a trailer. This was all played out like some dark ritual with deep portent, a reverse baptism with undertones of life and death without rebirth — at least for the monitors. The noir performance took on aspects of a rite of
The people at Waikato University Academy of Performing Arts might be familiar with something called “Performance Art”. The form was invented in the early part of the twentieth-century, just after the start of the Great War, used as a means of protest by artists who felt that in the face of such carnage, to continue to paint was an obscene luxury. These were artists who’d fled to Switzerland, describing the war succinctly as “murder wrapped in flags”. They established the Cabaret Voltaire and every night performed anarchic skits, vignettes, crazed poetry readings, and mock dances — all of which would have been appreciated by Spike Milligan and Monty Python. Performance art was born. New Zealand has a small history of the category. Begun in the Sixties during the protest movement, the forms vary immensely but usually includes some action by a performer/s, whether wordless or not, and lasting anywhere from a few seconds, like the Dadaist who rushed into a German Cathedral during the war and shouted, “Christ is a sausage”, to anything that can stretch out for as long as a day.
16
passage, but where that passage lead was left ambiguous. Various readings suggest themselves. The ceremonial ‘sacrament’ had a very twenty-first century technological flavour about it. No foreskins were excised in the process nor deflowering portrayed, but certainly one could see the whole performance depicting, in formalistic fashion, a coming of age, a move perhaps from innocence to experience, a putting away of childish things given that the movie genre chosen in all cases represented an adolescent phase of one’s life. Thanks for the memories, but the time has come to put away the popcorn stage and have done with comic book heroes. Alternatively a critique of the twenty-first century could be involved here in a time full of rapid change where things get tossed and discarded even though there’s life is still left in the machine. Waste and dumping and the values associated with increased obsolesce is confronted in a world in thrall of constant and obsessive upgrade. A further perspective: high art confronts low art of the entertainment
Our own performance artist, Daphne Simons, recently conducted a four
world – Mission Impossible, Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribbean take
hour session involving the dramatic drowning of television sets in a
on a ‘higher’ aesthetic in strange interface resulting in some sort of
gallery on Ward Street.
showdown.
Late afternoon, five TV monitors, strung up on ropes from trolleys, began
Or more sinister, some dark revenge where television sets are strung up
simultaneously playing five different populist movies from different
like a hanging then menacingly drowned.
N.12 / V.47
Auteur NEXUS MAGAZINE
Auteur House Presents: Edith Head Janine Swainson
Edith was a key campaigner in getting the Academy of Arts and Motion Picture Sciences to introduce an award for costume design (actually two awards, as colour and black and white films were recognised separately until 1968), and was nominated every year from its introduction in 1949 through to 1967. Controversially, she did not win the first award for The Emperor Waltz although many thought she should have. Actresses and film audiences alike could not get enough of her which led to Edith writing two books — The Dress Doctor and How to Dress for
Hi! Mrs Swainson here. If you’ve read Richard’s columns or visited Auteur House, you’ll know that for him it’s all about the auteur. But frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn who directed a film, I get excited by who dressed it. After all, it was the fashion that cemented my love of classic films and is the reason I walk around Glamilton dressed like a 1950s pinup. And there’s one name above all whom I revere - Edith Head (If you’re thinking “Who?!” she was the inspiration for the character Edna Mode
Success as well as hosting a weekly radio segment. It’s hard to sum up how great her influence was/is in a mere 400 words, but this should give you an idea — following the release of A Place in the Sun, one of Edith’s assistants attended a party where she counted 17 women wearing replicas of the white tulle ball gown Elizabeth Taylor wore in the film. In fact, yours truly also owns a replica of this frock! Auteur House stocks the following Edith Head delicacies which I highly recommend:
in Pixar’s The Incredibles).
Roman Holiday – my wedding gown was a replica from this film!
With a career that spanned 57 years, 35 Oscar nominations, and 8
White Christmas – my bridesmaids wore replicas from this one!
wins, Edith was without question the most respected and sought after
A Place in the Sun
costumière in the biz. She worked at Paramount from 1924 to 1967 and
To Catch A Thief
was often lent to other studios at the insistence of their leading ladies,
Double Indemnity
many of whom she dressed off screen as well as on. She moved to
She Done Him Wrong
Universal studios in 1967, prompted by her previous work with Alfred
Sweet Charity
Hitchcock, and worked there until her death in 1981.
Sunset Boulevard
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Feature NEXUS MAGAZINE
NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK
In the late 1500s to early 1600s, a young Italian man had an idea. This idea was mad — batshit crazy even — but it was an idea that flew in the face of every piece of conventional wisdom at the time. That idea was heliocentrism, or the notion that we aren’t the
point. The Socratic Method involved just constantly asking
centre of the Universe. It’s a widely accepted idea now —
why and is mostly employed by toddlers who are ahead of
except for the first year FASS student who believe the world
the game.
revolves them. His name was Galileo Galilei; a heretic cast out by the church and slandered by all of his contemporaries. He was also a visionary who spawned an idea a hundred years before anyone else could even contemplate his theory. He would later be praised as the father of modern science and the man who invented physics and observational astronomy. But Galileo wasn’t the pioneer of this idea, that honour belongs to Copernicus 50 years earlier — Galileo was the guy who said “Fuck it, let it me prove it to you.” Let’s put this in context. Back in the 1600s the most commonly
before Brown vs The Board of Education desegregated schools in America and Rowe vs Wade established a woman’s right to choose, there were amazing dissenting opinions written that challenged the conventional wisdom on both of these issues and swimming against the tide isn’t just limited to overseas. Rutherford said he could split an atom, Hillary said he could “Knock the bastard off”, and Kate Sheppard said “Fuck that I’m voting.” Okay, she may not have actually said that but we are pretty sure it was implied.
prescribed method of medicine was the use of leeches, the
The simple trap is to believe that everyone who flies in
world was still flat, and the closest people had gotten to
the face of conventional wisdom is Socratic. American
renewable energy was the weekly burning of Catholics for a
Republican Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz recently said,
heat source. The Salem witch trials were still 50 years away.
“Today the global warming alarmists are the equivalent
That’s how messed up it is. 50 years after Galileo reshaped
of the flat-earthers. You know it used to be it is accepted
science they put women on trial for being witches.
scientific wisdom the Earth is flat, and this heretic named
Galileo wasn’t the only one with an unpopular opinion.
Artwork: Jessamy Topping
The judicial system is full of unpopular opinion too. Long
Galileo was branded a denier.”
Centuries before Galileo, a scrappy little scamp called
Of course Cruz fails to recognise that Galileo was arguing
Socrates decided he was the smartest man in the world, why?
science against theocracy and not the interest of big oil
Because unlike everyone else he realised he knew nothing.
companies against science — and therein lies the real crux
He even invented a whole annoying method of proving his
of the entire argument. It’s too easy, way too easy, to cite
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Feature
those who have fought against oppression and indignity in the name of self-interest. As a society we have managed to create bullshit oppression and hyperbole that allow us to paint ourselves as the Galileo’s of our day. We have deluded ourselves into thinking those people who have an opinion that differs from us are oppressive and that history will judge our actions fairly. Most importantly though, we have lost a sense of context. Maybe it comes from years of being told we are special and unique, maybe it is bred out of the arrogance that social media gives us, allowing us to think our uninformed opinions matter, but it seems like the war for context is the last remaining battlefront for civil discourse. Don’t believe me? On a nearly full bus from the University the other day, an elderly woman gets on with a walking frame. There are four vacant seats at the back of the bus. When the driver asks the four 20-something blonde girls who were sitting in the seats marked “Please vacate these seats for the elderly and the disabled” one of those girls said “You’re just trying to Rosa Parks me and make me sit in the back of the bus,” then the other one responded “Thanks Obama” as she was getting up.
Rutherford said he could split an atom, Hillary said he could “Knock the bastard off”, and Kate Sheppard said “Fuck that I’m voting.”
It should be pointed out that one or two on the bus were at least slightly impressed they knew who Rosa Parks was. The lack of context isn’t solely limited to high functioning simpletons with a beginner’s grasp of history, it’s also a tool utilised by the Prime Minister. (Okay, so it may just be a tool used by high functioning simpletons.)
unpopular opinions of social media are able to be heard, it’s that they are starting to be believed and quoted by credible sources, presented as fact and an indisputable justification
The clarion call of “get some guts and join the right side”
of a position. The most terrifying thing in this discussion is
tried desperately to paint the Prime Minister’s executive
that the uninformed rantings of people with names like @
military action as something that is the right thing to do even
Felineland or @Kittlers21 are becoming popular and not
though it’s unpopular. Seldom do we question the wisdom of
being questioned or fact checked. Media outlets like Fox,
the narrative, although Campbell Live (Locally) and shows
CNN, and even the far less credible Seven Sharp, are giving
like The Daily Show in America routinely make a point of
these voices a platform and pushing a narrative that there
speaking truth to idiocy. If you have time now google John
are two sides to every argument.
Campbell vs Simon Bridges and John Campbell vs Destiny Church or Jon Stewart vs Crossfire and Jon Stewart vs Jim Cramer (I’ll wait for you).
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But of course the real nightmare scenario isn’t that the
Unlike Galileo or Socrates, the trolls on the internet and the idiots in the media aren’t doing a lot to further society, to discover or to learn. They are clinging to a false narrative of
The idea that our opinions are somehow innately valid
“perceived balance” and they are yelling things through the
permeates through our social media. Everyone on Facebook
megaphone of the internet and demanding your attention.
or Twitter gets to voice their unpopular opinion. They all
It might not be time to pack up the canned goods and
get the justification of ‘just because no one agrees with me
head for the fallout shelter just yet, but you might want to
doesn’t make me wrong’ and as a culture we just accept
take a page out of Socrates book and start to question
the nature of unqualified and uninformed voices as part
everything. Not just what you are being told but why you
of the fabric of debate now. The flat-earthers of the world
are being told it, who wants you to believe it. Because
are shaping the debate, no more so than in Yik Yak where
unpopular opinions are now becoming popular facts and if
outlandish shit can be said anonymously and its weight
that continues we might all start believing the sun revolves
determined by a straight up or down vote.
around the earth again.
N.12 / V.47
I NEED HELP WITH... SORTING OUT UNI STUFF
DELIVERIES WHEN I’M NOT HOME
DEALING WITH MY LANDLORD
FINDING A JOB
LEGAL ISSUES
MANAGING MONEY
CAR POOLING
07 856 9139 www.wsu.org.nz advocacy@wsu.org.nz
NEXUS MAGAZINE Feature
EVERY SPERM IS SACRED Jessica Wilson
Nexus interviewed ProLife Waikato to find out whether abortion is killing children and whether a chattered accountant is an equivalent to a fetus. First, some simple questions. When does life begin and
necessarily agree. For a rough example, off the top of my
why do you believe this?
head, if you said one of two people have to die, one is a
Well, I think that life begins at conception and the reason
chattered accountant and one works at Pak ‘n Save, is their
I believe that is basically just a matter of logic. A lot of the
status in society any basis for choosing which one would
arguments against it, for example, level of development
have to die?
and the environment that the entity in the womb is in, all centre around what changes between pregnancy and birth. I don’t think anything changes, for example, you know, it’s not like you’re born and then you suddenly stop developing — you’re always aging, you’re always growing. So there’s not really any point where you can actually say, well, this level of development or this level of development is where you say this person is now a human being. It seems to start right from
greater difference in the instance between a fetus and a fully developed human being. Yeah, I guess the point I was driving at was that where would you draw that line? It’s a continuum, there’s no set point where suddenly that should become, “Oh yeah this is enough; this is okay, to value one human life over another.”
the beginning. And they all pretty much centre around the
Around 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and usually
same point.
around the same time an abortion would take place. Are
One of the ones is viability. People will say, oh well, you know, “A fetus isn’t viable outside of the womb”, and we say, well some people that have horrific accidents and depend on, you know, wheeling around machines with them to live, they’re not viable either, but they’re still human beings. So, a lot of people usually assume that would be religious beliefs, is that not the case? Well, no, it’s not really. I’m a religious person, but the logic behind it I don’t think is. I know a lot of people who are in the movement that are not religious at all — atheists, agnostics, and, you know, even people from lots of different religions. They all basically agree the same thing — the same reasons for why life starts at conception. Is a fetus of the same value as the woman carrying it? Would you say that any one human being is worth more than another? I mean, most of the stuff here centres around if you can agree on whether or not the entity within the womb is a human being or not, and if it is, then you can’t place the value of one human being above another.
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I guess the argument would be that there is a much
miscarriages also killing children? No, it doesn’t. Obviously in both cases, children die, but in the case of a miscarriage, it’s death by natural cause — whereas in the case of an abortion, you’re actively killing what is there. So, if you take it as “that is a human being”, then it’s effectively murder. So do you think that people who have abortions are on par with a common murderer in today’s society? Absolutely not. I think that the abortionists need to have a good, hard look at themselves in the mirror — they’re the ones that are actually doing it. I definitely support any woman who finds herself in a crisis pregnancy, it’s got to be an amazingly difficult situation, and I don’t think the society we’re living in at the moment particularly gives them the support they actually deserve. Yeah. The World Health Organisation estimates that 20 million unsafe abortions are performed annually, with 68,000 deaths and millions more women injured. There is little evidence that highly restrictive abortion laws lower abortion rates, so why not just make them legal so
A lot of people would argue that a grown woman with
fewer women will die?
relationships and a fully developed brain and body would
I guess again, that sort of comes round to the, can you justify…
be of more value than a fetus.
This is definitely a hard question. Actually no, first of all, I’ll
I suppose I can see how people would come to that. I don’t
start off with the case — have you ever heard of Kermit Gosnell?
N.12 / V.47
Feature NEXUS MAGAZINE
No. He was an abortionist in Philadelphia. This was a state where abortion was perfectly legal — he had a legal clinic. This wasn’t some sort of dodgy backstreet organisation. He has been convicted of the murder of three children who were born during attempted abortions. I won’t go into the details of what people found when they raided his clinic because it’s quite graphic and absolutely disgusting. But the point is, that can happen in a state where abortion is perfectly legal, it’s accepted, it’s the norm. So I don’t know if that says that just making it safe, making it legally okay, does make it safe. Because I read that it is one of the safest medical procedures performed in the world — actually safer than childbirth, and these deaths — 68,000 deaths, 97% of them are actually occurring in undeveloped countries where abortions are often illegal on request. While it may be illegal, I don’t know if you can attribute it just to the fact that it is illegal in those countries. If they’re underdeveloped countries, they’re also going to have poorer medical care, poorer equipment, and probably less well-trained medical staff. So, you know, it’s a pretty big jump, I think, to just pin it on it’s illegal in these countries therefore it’s causing deaths. So if abortions are unethical, does that make birth control
...two people have to die, one is a chattered accountant and one works at Pak‘nSave, is their status in society any basis for choosing which one would have to die?
unethical? Birth control is actually not something we as a club are interested in. I mean some people think that birth control is bad. We’ve also had some Prolife New Zealand members arguing for handing out condoms at clubs’ days and things. It’s not directly related to the issue. I suppose what is important for us is that people recognise that sex is the biological act of reproduction and if people want to have sex then they need to at least be responsible for themselves and their actions, like use protection, and you need to understand that if that falls through — they need to understand that you are sort of gambling a bit with the fact that you may create this
Artwork: AShleigh Matthews
human life if things don’t go the way you want them to.
know they really do have some really horrific cases sometimes. But the other problem with this discussion is the slippery slope that people bring up time and time again. So if you look at the Netherlands, they started out with euthanasia, or assisted suicide, in cases of the terminally ill, and that’s gone from euthanasia in cases of the chronically ill and then to euthanasia in the cases of the physically ill, to the point now where people are being euthanised just because it’s a slightly more convenient legal solution for mental illness. A recent study by the Dutch Government has concluded that more than 1 in a 1000 cases
What about recreational sex?
of euthanasia, have actually been the doctor actively causing
We’re not for or against. We’re just for people being more
or hastening the death without the patient’s consent. I suppose
responsible I guess.
that probably doesn’t answer your original question.
Your club is also against voluntary euthanasia, stating that it
No, it’s close. It’s interesting. Last question, or final statement.
is unethical to willingly end your life. If life is unbearable, why
Any final words you want to give to Nexus readers?
can’t a terminally ill person choose to end their life?
I guess the most important thing is we seem to get a lot of
Again, it sort of comes back to the whole, you know, “if it’s
flack for being sort of anti-women, sort of women-hating
killing, it’s murder” kind of thing, and also there’s the slippery
and all that, too controlling and things. I want to reaffirm
slope argument — they’re two different issues. One of course,
that the reasoning is the exact opposite. We do what we do
is to say, if killing any human being is a bad thing, then killing
because we care about women, we want women to be safe,
yourself must be a bad thing, regardless of the state of your life,
and we also want people to be as best informed as possible
and that’s not to say these people don’t have troubles because I
before they make their choices.
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Feature NEXUS MAGAZINE
WHY JOHN KEY IS THE MAN Jason Howarth
Jason Howarth states, “For the record, the article is that of my own personal opinion and is NOT that of the New Zealand National Party, Young National’s, John Key, or the Office of Prime Minister and Cabinet.” Nexus would also like to state that this is not our opinion either. So apparently some people think John Key is a bit of a dick,
a snob. That is wrong as well. He is the type of guy who will
but how many of those people have actually met the guy, like
sit at a café in Kawaka with no media around, cut up cheese
truly met him? I am hoping to dispel some of the rumours
with a teaspoon (because nobody had a knife), and just talk
and show you why JK is indeed, the man.
to the people and have frank and honest conversations.
Firstly the rumour that John only looks out for his rich mates.
I had the privilege of having breakfast with the Prime
People seem to forget that he grew up in a single parent
Minister last year with about six others. He is just a normal
family with his mother on a benefit. John worked hard to get
person and talked about a range of topics from drone strikes
to where he is today and yes, he is rich, but you don’t get to
through to why John Campbell isn’t a bad guy. When he
where he is today by sitting around moaning about how rich
gave an overview of the day in the life of the PM, it provided
someone else is. The Prime Minister doesn’t collect his salary, it
even for me who is in the John Key Fan Club, a reality to
goes straight into the Prime Minister Scholarship which helps
check that this guy is constantly working — his days start
New Zealanders with funding to pursue their aspirations.
between 5.30am and 6am, and go through to after midnight
Johnny Boy, is also very funny. He often takes the piss out of
Artwork: Johnny Ryan
himself and politics and is open to getting a lot of stick back
during a parliamentary sitting week in Wellington. He does this to achieve the very best for New Zealand.
in the right environment. People get caught up with the fact
The one thing I do like about New Zealand politics is that
that, because he is rich and is the Prime Minister, he must be
politician’s families are off-limits to the media and they
25
NEXUS MAGAZINE Feature
respect that. It was awesome listening to him chat about his family, I would sum him up like your mate’s cool dad. The dad who likes Katy Perry and goes to her concert, or allows party at his place while he is out of town. He is not a boring old prude, he supports his daughter who is studying art in France at the very liberal Paris College of Art. He also supports his son, who studies commerce at Auckland Uni and also DJ’s at a few top Auckland nightclubs and at the Laneway festival. So I would say that he is quite the modern Prime Minister and has more understanding of young people than most other people in parliament. A few comments I heard in a few of my classes is that John Key hates people that live in poverty. Once again that is wrong, John Key hates that there are people living in poverty. As announced in the budget this year, the John Key government is increasing payments to the more hard off families to ensure our most vulnerable children live in a household where everyday needs can be met. This is the first time since the 1970s that a government has made a fundamental increase in benefit payments. Other incorrect comments is that John Key doesn’t care about Māori, that is just another rumour that gets battered around, I find this to be nothing more than pot stirring by political interest groups. Under his government they have passed more Treaty claims that any other government before, with 42 out of the total 68 claims (as at September
I would sum him up like your mate’s cool dad. The dad who likes Katy Perry and goes to her concert, or allows a party at his place while he is out of town.
2014) being completed while John Key has been PM. A question I got asked recently, does John Key care about students? YES!!! He does. In a very candid conversation he said, that when he leaves politics he wants to make sure the country is in better shape than when he took office, so future generations can succeed. He is passionate about everyone young people and students being healthy and educated to
loans. It’s a wicked issue and there is an element of tough love about it, but students in the long term will be better off.
allow them to reach their goals in life. Hence why nearly
What should you know about John Key? He enjoys watching
$700 million of extra spending every year goes into health
sports like rugby and cricket. He plays golf and tennis when
and education.
he can. He enjoys a cold beer after a long day. He, like
John Key could give students more money and buy student love, but that is like buying Facebook likes: it doesn’t really count in the bigger picture. He would much rather support students better by making sure there are jobs when students leave higher education. I think deep down many students would agree. Students would rather have character building years at uni, which teach a bit of personal responsibility,
26
due to the increased government debt from higher student
everyone else, is trying to drop a few kgs. He is a pragmatic environmentalist to ensure that real change be achieved in the conservation and environmental protection. Politically he would classed as liberally conservative, He supported the marriage equality bill and has funded breakfast in schools and supports personal freedoms, yet is strong on personal responsibility and free markets economy.
and they would rather have less debt and a higher chance
The next time you see or hear something about John, do the
of a job when leaving. Students don’t want to be cruising
statements stack up or is it just pot stirring? Is it fair to bad
through uni with an increased student loan and living cost
mouth someone if you haven’t met them? If you truly having
debt. They don’t want less employment opportunities at the
a burning question for the Prime Minster email his office, I am
end of it because of low business and economic confidence
sure he would love to hear from you.
N.12 / V.47
Snapped NEXUS MAGAZINE
Snap nexusmag your shenanigans! The best snap each week (printed with the Burgerfuel logo), wins a voucher from our mates at Burgerfuel. Claim it from the Nexus office in SUB.
27
NEXUS MAGAZINE Columns
AUNTY SLUT
“QUEEFS MEAN YOU’RE REALLY ENJOYING YOURSELF — AND THERE IS NOTHING SEXIER THAN A WOMAN WHO IS TOTALLY IN TOUCH WITH HER INNER SEXY BEAST.”
Queefing Is Sexy
the awesomeness that is you! (Women are people too, so yes lads,
Aunty Slut
Queefs can happen in any position, but are most likely when
we do fart.)
your man is really deep inside you (like doggy style), or if you’re switching positions often. It can also happen when you come really hard and all of your vaginal muscles clench down. There’s no secret Dear Aunty Slut, I’m having lots of amazing sex at the moment, but please — how can I stop queefing? I never used to but with my new guy it happens all the time. What gives? Red Faced
to avoiding queefing though, so if you want the mind blowing sex, you’re going to have to learn to deal. Besides, I’ve heard that the bubbly feeling actually feels quite nice as it rushes over a cock, so I reckon just own it. Queefs mean you’re really enjoying yourself — and there is nothing sexier than a woman who is totally in touch with her inner sexy beast. Some dudes can be really immature about queefs — probably
Dear Red Faced,
because they find regular farts so hilarious (I do too, tbh). But
Queefing is really no big deal. A queef, also known as a fanny fart
because guys don’t have awesome, amazing vagina like we do,
or vart, happens when air is pushed out of your vagina. It usually
they can’t queef, so it freaks them out. Or maybe they’re just
happens when you’re having mind blowingly amazing sex, because
jealous. I can totally see a bunch of guys sitting around trying to
air gets into your vagina when you’re really, really turned on. So
out-do each other’s queefs on a lazy Thursday night. Regardless,
don’t be embarrassed! Your guy should take it as a compliment of
if your man isn’t man enough to handle a queef or two then he
the highest order.
doesn’t deserve to touch you on the vagina.
Queefing is a completely natural, normal thing. I know it sounds
I find that laughing is the best way to deal with an unwelcome
like a fart and that farting in front of your partner can be really
vaginal symphony- have a giggle then get right back to it. Because
embarrassing, but there are no waste gases involved — it’s all bark
if you try to ignore it, things are just going to get weird.
and no (smelly) bite, I promise. And hey, if you’re comfortable enough to fuck someone, you should be comfortable enough to be able to laugh off a queef. Hell, you should be comfortable enough to laugh off an actual fart if you’re letting someone have sex with
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N.12 / V.47
Never apologise for your queefs Red Faced — embrace them! They’re awesome and so are you! Love, Aunty Slut
Columns NEXUS MAGAZINE
THE SINGLE LIFE
“IF YOU GIVE HEAD ON THE FIRST DATE — TELL HIM! IT’S NOT PROSTITUTION IF HE’S JUST PAYING FOR DINNER. ”
Dating for Dummies Emma Nygard
No, I’ve never been on a date but my flatmate went on one just the other day and that totally equips me with the right kind of information to form some kind of advice. 1. Banter! There’s a reason every single blind date write up involves the quote “conversation flowed” — because it’s fucking important. If you’ve been blessed with good looks, you’ve probably relied on your pretty face and haven’t built up very good conversational skills (we can’t all be perfect) so I
So I’ve never actually been on a deliberate date — despite writing
recommend bringing conversation cards along.
in to Nexus multiple times last year, begging to do the Blind Date
2. The only thing that should be flowing more than that convo
(groceries only lasted me three days and a free meal would have
is the alcohol. Get drunk, you’ll go from a three to an eight
really come in handy, thanks).
real quick.
In year twelve, however, I did go with one of my guy mates to see Thor or some other equally boring and predictable superhero movie (sorry not sorry). I didn’t at the time, and still to this day, don’t consider it a date. But the fact he tried to awkwardly stick his hand down my circulation stopping-ly tight skinny jeans means it’s the closest thing I’ve got. Now, I know I am no expert, but I do fantasise frequently about the perfect date a young Leonardo DiCaprio would take me on and it does not include an attempted finger bang. Rather some version of Titanic where I am the breathlessly beautiful rich girl and he is
3. Stalk him on Facebook so you can feign interest in all that mundane crap he likes. Like sport or hentai or that game they play on the village green at cultural hour on a Wednesday. 4. Be honest! If you give head on the first date — tell him! It’s not prostitution if he’s just paying for dinner. 5. If things don’t work out with him ask him at the end of the date whether he has any better/cuter friends — he probably does.
still Jack Dawson — oh and the boat doesn’t sink.
Yeah, so if anybody is keen on taking me on a date, I like
But as a dateless spinster with a vivid imagination, instead I can only
Mexican food and movies that play at Lido Cinema, hit me up at:
try help other people be more lucky in love with the dos and don’ts.
IPromiseI’mNotAsDesperateAsISound@gmail.com.
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Columns
SHE’S ABROAD
“LOSING YOUR PASSPORT IS A WHOLE NEW BALLGAME… YOU JUST CAN’T DO IT. ”
The Passport Predicament Rebecca Pollard
this entire country has known me for even six months yet, which leaves me (and many other international students) having to take a passport out drinking. NOT COOL. Losing your passport is a whole new ballgame… you just can’t do it. Replacing it would be an absolute bitch, and I’d probably end up being not able to leave New Zealand for a solid month or so. On the one hand, it’s super cool that the drinking age in New Zealand is only 18. I probably shouldn’t be complaining at all
30
N.12 / V.47
Like most people (or at least that’s what I tell myself), I sometimes
seeing as carrying around my passport is a lot easier than finding
lose things while I’m out in town. Ten dollars falls out of my shoe,
a decent fake in New York. But once you do find a fake (if you’re
or the bracelet I was wearing magically disappears. I wake up with
into that sort of thing) it doesn’t matter if you lose it. It’s smaller,
a new crack in my phone (or no phone at all).
and eventually has to be destroyed anyway, whereas a passport
At my home uni I would usually get a call around noon on Sunday,
has to be guarded all night. You can’t allow yourself to get sloppy-
“Hello Rebecca? We have your school ID and license here at Jimmy
drunk while carrying a passport. You can’t really allow yourself to
T’s.” This was never a big deal to me. Things are just things, and
get sloppy-drunk here anyway though because, incase you didn’t
there aren’t many material items that I truly feel are irreplaceable.
know, bars legitimately don’t let you in if you’re already drunk.
I haven’t been able to carry my license with me since being in
Regardless, carrying around a document that dictates whether
New Zealand because, for some reason, American licenses aren’t
you can go back to your home country or not is slightly terrifying.
accepted here at bars and restaurants. I thought about getting
I do not dig the fact that my American license isn’t credited here
an 18+ card, but you can’t get one unless someone can vouch for
as proof enough that I am 18. I think it’s a silly rule and should be
you who has known you for over two years. Not one person in
revoked ASAP.
Columns NEXUS MAGAZINE
THE WEEKLY GRIND
“ I WAS JACKING NOT ONE, BUT TWO STRANGERS… WITH MY FEET… FOR MONEY. THIS WAS MY MOMENT, MY TIME TO SHINE.”
The Foot Guys Resident Gay
Like braille, my toes read their facial crevices and religious hymns flooded my mind. I could feel Jesus healing me, I believe I even heard him whisper “Save Campbell Live”. Shy Boy was yet to prove himself worthy, so I gave him a little extra attention. With a foot on his lap and another in his mouth, he succeeded in 3, 2, 1. Quicker than I could dial for help, he was done. Here, Shy Boy
The clientele was growing, all of a sudden there were now two ‘Foot Guys’. Business expansion is always a good thing, so in the spirit of gay fetish, I decided to accommodate this double trouble at no less than double fee. If you ain’t being a fetish hooker then what’s the point of your life? After showering me in hopeful Grindr compliments, his rental car
awkwardly admitted this early victory before leaving the car in what can only be described as post-ejaculatory shame. Caught up in some intense inner-thoughts, he must have needed space to go think about what he had done. Brief reflection: Why am I not ashamed? Where is my embarrassment?
resurfaced and I climbed on in to sit with the two boys. The new boy
Shy Boy promptly returned and settled himself ready to leave,
was shy and didn’t seem remotely comfortable with the situation. As
scrolling Facebook and pretending to text. In the meantime, my
per usual, we formed a brief committee and talked logistics, trying
feet did what had to be done. The original Foot Guy wasn’t like
various positions. At one point, the back seat was flattened and I lay
his premature friend, he didn’t give in to the sweet release. He
with my head in the boot and feet on top of two bulging laps.
wanted to worship my arches and take it all in for later. After
Awakening the flexible beat within, I positioned myself ready to
extorting a few foot pics, Shy Boy had reached critical level. He
deliver simultaneous pleasure. This was happening, I had really
was tired and dying to go home to further self-analyse. Banking
outdone myself. I was jacking not one, but TWO strangers… with
my hundred dollar bills, I walked away dreaming of a sticking my
my feet… for money. This was my moment, my time to shine.
feet in a car wash.
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Columns
A FASHIONABLE LIFESTYLE
“ONLY ALLOW YOURSELF TO EAT WHILST DAVID BOWIE’S FASHION IS PLAYING ON FULL VOLUME IN THE BACKGROUND. ”
Crash Dieting Yourself Fashionable
your disgusting body to shrink dramatically, giving you doll-like
Jess Wilson
The David Bowie Fashion Diet
proportions even. If you find it difficult to find such small cutlery, try using a thimble as a little scoop bowl — it’ll look just as adorable as it will fashion-forward and avant garde. Once all ribs are visible, treat yourself to some cheap breast implants and black market lip injections.
Only allow yourself to eat whilst David Bowie’s Fashion is playing on full volume in the background. Increase bass to achieve maximum stomach unsettling. After no more than three days, eating will Being on a crash diet is always in fashion. I mean, what’s more dedicated than not only wearing fashion, but living it? In this edition of How to Be a Better Person, I’ll give you the industry secrets on how to lose weight fast. Smoking Smoking is, quite literally, hot — and I’m not talking about the drugs. This crash diet is about no longer consuming anything that isn’t smoked — so you can no longer look like a joke! (Ha! It almost rhymes.) Only eating smoked food will largely hinder
you’ll lose both your childhood trauma and kilograms! Surgical Removal of the Teeth If all these diets fail you, I can only recommend this final option. You won’t fall off the wagon with this diet — because your teeth will have been incinerated shortly after removal. There’s no going back! A life without teeth will severely limit your options. Soup for breakfast? Not again! Get ready for desirable weight loss. Top Tip: The secret to successful short-term weightloss is realising
consuming smoked salt, it’s low calorie and will help you drink
that you’re worthless and nobody will ever love you. Just give up.
your recommended two litres of water per day.
You need to get it in your fat skull how utterly pointless everything
Act like a doll to look like one. The smaller the cutlery, the less food can be placed on it. Science. Using doll cutlery will cause
N.12 / V.47
more so than your childhood bullying for being fat. With this diet
your consumption options. If you get too hungry, I recommend
Doll Sized Cutlery
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become a daunting chore and David Bowie will haunt your dreams
but not eating is. As I like to say, don’t consume food; let food consume you.
Columns NEXUS MAGAZINE
ALC 101
“DRUNK PROFESSOR WEIGHS UP THE PROS AND CONS OF CRAMMING A SEMESTER’S WORTH OF KNOWLEDGE INTO YOUR BRAIN WHILE DRINKING CIDER, CRYING, AND QUESTIONING YOUR LIFE DECISIONS...”
Lesson 12: Drunk Studying Drunk Professor
Drunk Study Cons Drunk study is not effective. Alcohol affects memory, and memory is recall. Recall is the base level of comprehension. Understanding, inferencing and analysing are processes that work like scaffolding in a sober brain to build knowledge. With a tipsy study brain you’re attempting to construct new knowledge on shaky foundations. Drunk Study Pros Drunk study is fun. Studying is BORING. Memorising quotes while
Assessment is an integral aspect of our current system of
colour coding notes sucks. Essentially revision is too repetitive
education. It helps to stratify students according to intellectual
to be any fun. What improves your ability to enjoy boring ass
and/or academic ability.
activities? Vodka does!
Assessment comes in three forms — diagnostic, formative, and summative. Diagnostic assessment is initial testing of ability and is essential for effective teaching, while formative assessment is specifically designed to provide feedback for the benefit of the student. Summative assessment is the most common form of assessment within tertiary education — it is the kind that is cumulative and final, the assessment “worth” a grade at the end of the semester. Passing, failing, or cheating are all plausible outcomes of studying poorly. With the end of semester looming and assessment stress mounting, Drunk Professor weighs up the pros and cons of cramming a semester’s worth of knowledge into your brain while drinking cider, crying, and questioning your life decisions because
Last minute study is ineffective. Revising notes is useful as it will reaffirm and consolidate what you have already learnt. If you are planning to read every lecture slide from missed classes during study week then you’ve been studying very fucking poorly. Bad student. You cannot learn an entire paper independently in a week — get drunk instead because you’re fucked anyway. Alcoholism excuses failure. If you’re absolutely plastered for the entirety of study week then you can’t really be blamed for being a total drop-kick failure, can you? Well, I mean, you can — you’re an adult, so you’re responsible for your own actions, drunk or not. BUT, anyone will buy the “I was too hungover to think” excuse, so down a goon at 4am on the day of your exam.
you’re realising that a BA really isn’t useful or valued in a society
In the first lesson next semester Drunk Professor will offer a guide
where the most common occupations seem to be in retail or trades.
to DIY Re-O Week fun and games for the perpetually broke.
33
NEXUS MAGAZINE Cooking for Students
Chocolate Chip Cookies Zac Lyon
Ingredients 2 1/4 cups flour 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup butter (225g) 1/2 cup caster sugar 1 cup brown sugar 1 tsp salt 2 tsp vanilla 2 large eggs
Welcome along to yet another Monday morning, as we struggle to keep our eyes open, walk to uni without developing hypothermia, and do our best to avoid THAT person — everyone has THAT person. Unless you have been living under a very well insulated rock, you’d have noticed how the weather is getting looser and temps are dropping. I’m going to kill two birds with one stone today, and give you a recipe and a well-documented tip to keep your house toasty warm this winter. First, we have chocolate chip cookies. The chewy variety. Nothing warms the soul more than some freshly baked cookies with a hot chocolate. Cookie baking leads into my warming tip for the winter. Turn your oven on and open the door for fujitsu style home heating. Not only do you skip the costly set up fees from a heat pump, but how many heat pumps do you know that bake cookies?
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N.12 / V.47
2 cups chocolate chips (or fruit, white chocolate, etc) Method 1. Cream butter, adding eggs one at a time. Then add in caster sugar and brown sugar. Should have a nice fluffy mixture. 2. Add in vanilla, salt, flour, and baking soda. Mix until you have a thick cookie dough. You can sample the mixture at this point. 3. Finally, mix through the chocolate chips. Add in nuts, fruit, or a combination of both if you like. 4. Grab about a tablespoon worth of the dough, and roll into a ball. Lightly press down onto a baking tray. They will spread out when baking. 5. Bake at 170°C for 10 mins. The outside edges of the cookie should be nicely browned, with the cookie still soft in the middle.
Blind Date NEXUS MAGAZINE
Brought to you by The Bank and 97.8 The Edge. Each week Nexus attempts to make a love/sexual connection. if you’re keen for a date on us, email editor@nexusmag.co.nz
They both have good taste in movies; his favourite is Shawshank Redemption and her’s is American History X. His favourite position is being first, whereas she’s not very flexible or fit so prefers anything with minimal work. Her deal breaker is a man having his own fitness Instagram. His deal breaker is bad eyes. He doesn’t bang on the first date, but she just might. We put them together on a blind date… in pyjamas.
XX
XY
So to calm my nerves I started the evening off with a
Coming into the famous event knowing I would be
glass of wine, naturally that turned into three —I showed
wearing a batman onesie into one of Hamilton’s finest
up to The Bank adequately warmed up and wearing My
restaurants was really quite daunting. So I left my pride
Little Pony pajamas.
outside the door and ordered two long island iced teas
The Lady’s Experience
I was petrified I’d be paired up with a too-cool asshole
The Gentleman’s Experience
on entry, one for la señorita of course.
who decided not to keep his end of the bargain and
Turns out she was rocking some hella’ fine My Little
would be waiting for me in regular clothes. Instead, a
Pony PJs and we had both been drinking beforehand to
nice-looking guy wearing a Batman onesie was sitting
ease the nerves… as always.
with two long island iced teas.
Having broken my jaw a few weeks ago and not being
We used our bar tab up mostly on drinks, but we both
able to chew, I was forced to dig into some pasta. She
got a plate chicken carbonara each (which doesn’t taste
followed suit and ended up dropping her Iphone 6 into
as good coming back up may I add) and despite him
some creamy carbonara. Conversation was flowing and
having a broken jaw, I still ordered curly fries and garlic
so were the drinks.
bread — which I proceeded to eat on my own.
Towards the end of the night, this once elegant female
I don’t remember having steamy bathroom sex which is
was letting the long islands get the better of her and
good considering his cousins were sitting next to us and
begun her own Singstar comp with herself. She may or
I bought my flat mates along in case he was a psycho.
may not have vomited in the bathroom from eating too
We had lots to talk about and there was never that dreaded awkward silence. The night ended with me
quickly and actually told me. At least she was honest right?
being a bit too-tipsy and needing to go home, so I said
Vomiting on first dates is now my deal breaker and its
goodbye in the most unconventional way — I booped
safe to say we arent soul mates. She was a nice girl and
him on the nose. Don’t think he’ll be wanting a second
overall was a good night. Cheers Nexus and The Bank
date, but we made the leap to Facebook friends!
for the night.
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Your Space
Clean Boys: Melville We arrive at the townhouse to find a tall, bearded man in a polar fleece smoking on the deck. This rugged man, likely a lumberjack though we can’t be sure (we didn’t ask), goes by the name of Joe. At the door is Oliver. A member of our Flat Profiling Squad announces that he has good facial structure, we nod in accordance. Oliver invites us in, where we are greeted with one of the cleanest flats I’ve ever been in. A TV, smaller than the one in Joe’s room (the man likes to watch his shows in private), sits alongside a vinyl player and large sound system. There is a partially deflated blowup alien stuffed behind one of the old couches. A pile of fruit sits on the dining room table. Perhaps this fruit is the reason for Oliver’s glowing skin. Joe’s room has a large bed, a couch, and the aforementioned massive TV. It’s messy, but not dirty, with piles of blankets tossed over the bed. Oliver’s room is clean and tidy, like him. On the way back from Oliver’s room, we pass Russell day drinking in his bedroom. I make a joke, but wonder if there’s a dark side to this scenario. Is Russell okay? We collectively agree on the way home that we will support this new-found friend no matter what.
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N.12 / V.47
Photography: Dallas Houghton
Your Space NEXUS MAGAZINE
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NEXUS MAGAZINE CARE
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CARE NEXUS MAGAZINE
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Puzzles
SUDOKU
9 8
4
3 6
9
7 2
5
1
7
6
3
2
8 3
4 4
6
1
4
6
4
6
3
6
5
2 7
7
2
1
8
3
1
9
6
5
8 5
6
2
9
1
1 7
MEDIUM
1
7
2
1
EASY
7 1
8
9 4
7
6
5
5
8 6
4
5
5 7
9
3
1
4
2
1
2 8
3
2
5
4
7 3
HARD
CODEWORDS
SLITHERLINK
Each letter in the puzzle is represented by a number 1 – 26. Crack the code to solve it.
Join the dots to create a single continuous
22
20
9
3
1
1
23
18
24
7
25 21
17 12
22
20 22
13
25
20 17
7
13 22
1
13
9
21
19
1
10
2
10
20 5
5
6 16
24
5
20
13
2
2
20
5
9
25
20
11
2
1
1
22
3
19
24 12
23
23
9 22
8
19 25
25
5
13 13
9
5
20
22 24
7
D
26
22
25 7
D
13
7
20
15
5
3
13
20
22
10
7
9
2
25
13
1
25 6
6
24
20 20
9
5
23
13
25
21
3
22
6 22
22
24
23
1
22
3
3
1 9
11
13
25 13
22
25
22
9
4 12
15
23
14
1
loop. The numbers indicate how many lines
22
1
14
5
2
15
5
3
16
2
2
25
4
17
3
1
5
5
18
3
6
19
1
20
1
must surround each number and the loop must never cross itself.
2
2
3
2
2
3
2
3
2
2
22
7
4
8
21
1
9
9
22
2
5
10
23
22
11
24
TRIVIAL
8
12
25
In what century did Nostradamus live?
22
13
26
What monster that Beowulf kills first?
13
D
3
0
2
3
3
2 2
2
What five letter noun is shared by a snow leopard and an imperial measurement?
3
25
9
22
22
1
WORD TWIST
D
I
M
Q
R
S
U
V
Y
E
E
T
R
N
E
O
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N.12 / V.47
How many words can you make from these letters? The letters must touch horizontally, vertically or diagonally and cannot be used more than once in a word.
9
1
9
20
21
Where would you wear brothel creepers?
Puzzles NEXUS MAGAZINE
CROSSWORD
KAKURO
Solve the clues and fill in the words.
Fill all of the blank squares in the grid using only the
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
numbers 1 – 9 so the numbers entered add up to the corresponding clue. You cannot use the same number
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
33
34
35
29
30
36 40
43
25
31
48
57 62
63
4
59
5 3 9
11
10
4
6
3
22
7
46
53 58
7 16
4
49
52
11
19 6 17
45
51
27
42
47
3
6
41
50
26
38
44
10 4
32 37
16
10
24
39
61
4
22
23 28
more than once in a run (eg. 7, 1, 1).
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55
56
4
10
6
4
7
60
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
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SIMPLE PUZZLES FOR SIMPLE PEOPLE Complete the pineapple maze. Maybe not so simple this week...
Across
65. Leave the gate for the
26. It’ll knock you out (5)
1. Quick (4)
runway (4)
27. Have another go at (5)
5. Book of maps (5)
66. Kind of palm (4)
29. Pinocchio, at times (4)
10. ___ carotene (4)
67. Fore-and-aft-rigged
30. Association (4)
14. Italian wine area (4)
vessel (5)
31. Passover feast (5)
15. Fine dinnerware (5)
68. Fashionable (4)
33. Toyota model (5)
16. Face-to-face exam (4)
69. Falling flakes (4)
34. Diets (5)
17. Accordingly (4)
70. Church songs (5)
35. Cay (5)
18. Prefix with linear (5)
71. Emcee (4)
37. Christie’s “Death on
19. Used to be (4)
START
the ___” (4)
20. Christmas song (12)
Down
38. Lacquered metalware
23. Test, as ore (5)
1. Islamic decree (5)
(4)
24. Cork, for one (7)
2. Contents of some urns (5)
40. Spill (8)
28. Bath powders (5)
3. Manuscript marks (5)
44. Cleveland’s lake (4)
32. Correspond (5)
4. Soldier’s helmet, slangily (6)
45. Bohemian, e.g. (4)
33. Greek letter (3)
5. “God’s Little ___” (4)
49. Tell on (6)
36. Christmas song (11)
6. Quaker’s “you” (4)
51. Conflict (5)
39. Additionally (4)
7. Trounce (4)
52. Like rolling terrain (5)
41. Part of a TV feed (5)
8. Nay sayers (5)
54. The Gem State (5)
42. Bleacher feature (4)
9. New Orleans athlete (5)
55. Long skirts (5)
43. Christmas song (11)
10. Spar or mast (8)
56. Proclamation (5)
46. “Don’t give up!” (3)
11. “___ he drove out of
58. Lens type (4)
47. Arab leader (5)
sight...” (3)
59. Light on Broadway (4)
48. Film units (5)
12. Toni Morrison’s “___
60. Deadly biters (4)
50. Rhea’s relative (7)
Baby” (3)
61. Beast of burden (3)
53. Japanese cartoon art (5)
13. A pint, maybe (3)
62. Embargo (3)
57. Christmas song (12)
21. Swedish rugs (4)
63. It may be easily
61. Biblical shepherd (4)
22. Ball wear (4)
bruised (3)
64. Lily family plants (5)
25. Live messily, in slang (5)
FINISH
41
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