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A DIFFERENT SORT OF

STUDENT BAR MEMBERSHIPS FROM JUST

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STUDENT AND COMMUNITY MEMBERSHIPS AVAILABLE WITH 12 MONTH, 6 MONTH AND FLEXI-TERM CONTRACTS.

David Bennett List MP based in Hamilton East 510 Grey Street, Hamilton East 3216 davidbennettmp@parliament.govt.nz davidbennett.national.org.nz 07 834 3407

Authorised by David Bennett MP, Parliament Buildings, Wellington.

Dr Gaurav Sharma MP for Hamilton West

43 Pembroke St, Hamilton Lake (07) 8 37 38 29 gaurav.sharma@parliament.govt.nz /gmsharmanz @gmsharmanz /gmsharmanz

Authorised by Dr Gaurav Sharma MP, Parliament Buildings, Wellington

Wishing you a great academic year ahead

NEXUS

TUHINGA O ROTO

CONTENTS

目录

Contents

06

Team

Nā Te Ētita

17

They can Try

Ētita Jak Rāta etita@nexusmag.co.nz

Deputy Editor

08 09

FOMO

News

22 24

King Komodo

Tehana De Klerk tehana@nexusmag.co.nz

Staff Writers Seamus Lohrey seamus@nexusmag.co.nz

Columns

Chloe Smith chloe@nexusmag.co.nz

Designer

10

Waikat' Weekly

28

Poem

Wenyue Ruan - 阮文悦 wenyue@nexusmag.co.nz

Advertising & Communication James Raffan comms@wsu.org.nz

29

i made a story high

Poli-Dicks

30

Reviews & Entertainment

14

Whelmed

34

Cooked

16

Pass the AUX

36

Horoscopes & Puzzles

12

Sports

13

DISCLAIMER

Nexus is a magazine made by students, for students. As such it’s sometimes controversial views don’t actually represent those of the Nexus Editor, the writers, or the sponsors.

PRINTING

Nexus only makes it to the stands thanks to the incredible team at Urban Print. We are proud that we are printed on 90gsm Sapphire Offset stock that is PEFC certified, biodegradable, recyclable and audited to ensure unsustainable sources are excluded.

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LOCATION

The Nexus office is located down the hall at the WSU, usually with Alexa playing terribly dated music.

Nexus C/O Waikato Students’ Union, University of Waikato, Ground Floor SUB Gate 1 Knighton Road Hillcrest 3216

Contributors Caitlin Walters-Freke Cameron Mailer Chelsea James Dave Snell Eilidh Huggan Hannah Huggan Hannah Petuha Hayley James Joseph Riwaka Katrina Jones Keira McGregor Lily Bradley Nikki Van Dijk Oliver Dunn Sarah Morcom Tys Paterson Zian Volkov

COVER ARTIST: Jim Higgs

@jimz_artz

CENTREFOLD ARTIST: Jim Higgs

@jimz_artz

Nexus Media Experience facebook.com/nexusnz @nexusmag @nexusmedia_nz

社论

EDITORIAL

NĀ TE ĒTITA

NEXUS

MY LIFE AS A HORROR MOVIE If you weren’t around last year, then you would’ve missed the cultural icon that was ‘I bloody love Halloween’, my column of 2 iterations that featured me talking about horror movie shit. In an effort to rekindle my “edgier” side, I wanted to try and map out my perfect horror movie with some of the more recognisable foes in parliament or on our TV sets (I’m not that old tho).

Location: Some shitty flat on Cameron – There’s something cracking me the fuck up at the thought of being chased through the halls of the shitty brick cunts on Cameron Road. Running for your life, screaming for help and then tripping on some fuck ugly pallet bed or crate coffee table.

Not to mention the black mould killing me before the Killer has a chance. I think it’s important to note that there has to be as many obstacles to give a comedic fall as I’m being chased. Things like a rogue vacuum, some uber eats bags and just some kid from kick ons. Who the fuck is that?

Stoner Kid: Chlöe Swarbrick – Swarbrick would be sitting smoking fat cones and letting me know some insightful commentary on the happenings around us. While I’d be trying to help us all survive, she’d be like “this is all meant to happen, we deserve this”. Okay true, but also fuck up.

Romantic Interest: Taika Waititi – I mean…

Comedic Relief: Kura Forrester – Of all the current comedians I’ve frothing, I gotta say that Kura Forrester is at the top of my list for wāhine I want in my real-life horror

story. If you’re not familiar with her, watch taskmaster mate.

Do yourself a favour.

Killer: Christopher Luxon – You can’t tell me you wouldn’t be running scared with this his egg-head coming towards you with a knife and laughing maniacally. Plus, there’s no telling what he'd use to kill you. Shitty policies on student tax, a blatant disregard for women, or the knowledge of basic geography. All convoluted but not exactly cutting edge.

Final Girl: Sam Cane – Following suit with some of our more sports centric content this week, I honestly believe this beauty of a man deserves a win and he’s trying his best.

Rest easy king.

Result: I would be the first out, there’s no denying it. While I wish I could pretend my successes would allow me to get to the end, I’m okay with it being me out first if it means the survival of Sam Cane. Let’s just give him this one guys, mans needs it right now.

Sorry this isn't some deep editorial with highs and lows, sparking some intelligent conversations about the current state of politics or the economic decline. You need a breather and reading about how I’d structure a horror movie is kind of exactly what we all need right now. Got any better ideas? Lemme know aye, always keen to chat shit and discuss why you’re wrong and mine reigns supreme.

Later homies x

5

新闻

PITOPITO新闻KŌRERO NEWS / WIHIRI NIUHI

NEXUS

What’s happening in hams (sweet fuck all as always but anyway..)

19th August: QUALMS gig @ Last Place bar You may remember one Jared Ipsen, formerly known as Jared the News Guy, well he’s in a band and we’d be cunts if we didn’t mention that his band is playing Last Place bar this coming friday. So like, yeah.

20th August: The Wizard of OZ- school production St Paul’s Collegiate school.

20th August: Skantia Backbar UK artists NZ debut, $10 entry before midnight 20th August: Collectables market 8:30- 1:30 pm The Barn at Claudelands Vintage market including vinyl and clothes - take cash as EFTPOS is limited 3rd September: Bottomless drag brunch Hamilton Gardens

7

NEXUS

PITOPITO KŌRERO

NEWS

新闻

Chloe Smith

Criminal investigation underway at Middlemore hospital after impostor doctor allegations Criminal investigations are underway regarding an ‘imposter’ doctor who worked in Middlemore hospital’s respiratory ward. It is alleged he worked there for a number of months before it was realised he was not registered. Health Minister Andrew Little became aware of this situation on Wednesday the 10th.

This is the News, Bitch Sleeping spiders?

I don’t know why I hadn’t thought about this, but there’s ongoing research as to whether spiders experience REM sleep—I kind of just assumed that they would. Anyway, research by Daniela Rößler (an ecologist at the University of Konstanz) has found that spiders’ sleep cycles include leg twitching and their eyes flickering. This is similar to REM/ rapid eye movement sleep in humans.

Climate change causes lizards to age before they are even born

Sam Uffindell in hot water over bullying allegations National MP Sam Uffindell’s name has been in the headlines this week after a former King’s College student came forward, saying Uffindell, with other students, beat him in boarding school 20 years ago. Uffindell has since been accused of terrifying flatmates- which he has denied. Uffindell has, however, admitted that he was a school bully, and that he was asked to leave King’s after the incident in which he beat a fellow student.

Uffindell has also been stood down whilst an investigation is carried out regarding further allegations from a former flatmate. This former flatmate has said that Uffindell bullied her to the point where she was forced to flee for her safety. She also said this pattern of bullying was fuelled by excessive drinking, after which he would trash the house.

So is this merely school bullying or is this a pattern of intimidation and bullying behaviour?

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Due to climate change, lizards in France are giving birth to offspring that have already aged and have damaged DNA. This decreases their chances of survival, and the degradation of DNA over generations will ultimately send them into a population decline that cannot be recovered from.

Tourists go for a dip in thermals pools that are considered wāhi tapu (sacred) The Te Puia tourist attraction is under fire after allowing tourists to go into the thermal pools, with this place historically being where iwi would wash their deceased/ tūpāpaku. An apologyif you can call it that- was issued by the tour company featuring some bullshit about the demand for experiencesas if that fixes the fact that they should have respected the history of that area and not used it as a tourist spot.

UK judge refuses parents’ request to move comatose boy into hospice The parents of 12yo Archie Battersbee, who is believed to be brain dead, wish to move their son to hospice when hospital staff withdraws his life support. Doctors believe there is no chance of recovery and that he should be allowed to die.

Moving him would also hasten his death as he is so unstable.

This is yet another case where judges are putting doctors’ judgments against family wishes as the child’s interests take precedent over the parent’s wishes.

Louisiana officers charged Breonna Taylor’s death

over

Four Police officers were charged over Breonna Taylor’s death. The charges were laid against four Louisiana police officers on Friday, three of which face a maximum charge of life in prison on civil rights charges. Their names are (former officers) Joshua Jaynes and Brett Hankison, (and current officers) Kelly Goodlett and Sgt. Kyle Meany.

新闻

PITOPITO KŌRERO

NEWS

NEXUS

US sheriff stocks schools with AR-15 rifles North Carolina schools are opening later this month, and when they do they will be stocked with AR-15 riflesone of the most common rifles to be used in school shootings. These will be for school resource officers to use in the event of an active school shooting. Doesn’t exactly sounds like a fucking good idea there matey.

The US House of Representatives passes legislation banning certain semi-automatic weapons.

Passed on Saturday the 30th of July, this is the first of this kind of vote in years, however, it is likely to stall in the 50-50 senate as the republicans are likely to stand by possession of firearms and against the limitations on firearms.

Gloriavale schools close due to a staffing shortage (allegedly due to abuse) only to reopen Gloriavale schools closed last week due to a staffing shortage, where teachers stood aside while police investigated abuse.

It has since reopened, with a staggered plan in place for students to return.

Abuse scandals and investigations are no stranger to Gloriavale with abuse charges including the fact that they made 6-year-olds work that was at times dangerous- all whilst they should have legally been in school.

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PITOPITO KŌRERO

NEWS

新闻

FMG fields

waikat’ weekly

Dmytro Levchuk with his mother and sister

Graveyard burnouts

Seamus Lohrey Another week means seven more days for the Waikato to cook up some stories for us. Where’s a better place to come to then Nexus, the unofficial, official premier local news source, to read them?

Footy’s back at the FMG Fields As New Zealanders, we have a legal obligation to indulge in the nation's favourite pastime of rugby. Last Saturday, provincial rugby returned to the green grass of the FMG with a 32 point deadlock against Hawkes Bay. Damian Mckenzie, All Black and all around ladies man, missed not one, not two, but three chances to win the game against the Magpies on Liam Messam’s, the red and yellow legend, 100th game. As I take my job very seriously, I was there in attendance for this special occasion. While I wasn’t able to meet Mr Messam himself, I was able to have a yarn with his 11 year old son. He didn't have much to say about his Dad’s game, but what he did have was some cool dance moves. RUGBY! Teenager from war-torn Ukraine arrives in Hamilton Dmytro Levchuk, an 18 year old from the Ukrainian city of Ivano-Frankivsk, now calls Hamilton home after a four and a half month journey, settling here with his mother and sister.

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While being forced to move to the other side of the globe hasn’t been easy for him and his family, they’re loving the Waikato so far. Despite being displaced from their home, livelihoods and family, they were finally able to see the ocean for the first time saying they “couldn’t believe how beautiful it was”. It’s the little things we take for granted, people. Out of all the places in the country, Morrisnville hard, Jacinda Ardern, clearly chose the best for these deserving refugees.

Graveyard Burnouts One 19-year-old and two 24-year-olds are facing charges after deciding to take their skids off the roads and into a Cambridge cemetery. Waipā Mayor, Jim Mylchreest, reflected the community’s disgust saying “I hope they throw the book at them. As far as I'm concerned, they are scumbags". While the damages are $3000, for the community, they go beyond the price tag. "It is shameful that the resting places of our service people and loved ones are treated in this way”, says local RSA President, James Hill. Newly buried plots were said to be run over, as well as the old graves of ex-service men.

We all know there’s nothing more Waikato than a burnout, but even the most hardened, mulleted bogan can admit this is a step too far.

新闻

PITOPITO KŌRERO

NEWS

NEXUS

Jak Rāta

“Arable growth is doing a-maize-ing”

“She did it Joe, she fucking did it”

New Zealand's arable sector appears to be on a roll, with production increasing by thirty percent in the past three years.

Serena Williams alludes to a successful retirement as she comes to the end of her tenure in professional tennis.

“Ah McCane, you’ll do it again”

“When ramming = no babies”

Sam Cane expresses that the boys in black can turn it around after their major loss in Mbombela, with a meagre 26-10 as a result of dismal form from the boys.

Little Mash Boutique in Barton St, in the centre of Hamilton, was the target of a ramraid in the early hours of Tuesday morning.

“Students live in shitty flats, also water is wet” Pictures of Sam Uffindells 2004 flat have emerged, showing the destruction of Otago student living. People are surprised by the squalor, students are vying for that mint bra hanger in his hallway.

“Fuck them sheep” Farmers on the Chatham Islands are facing the possibility of not being able to ship stock off the island during the busy Autumn period next year with a rough 30,000 sheep to get the boot.

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HĀKINAKINA

SPORTS

运动

FIXING OUR

FLOP ERA Oliver Dunn

Lawn Bowls

It’s been a pretty rough as guts few weeks for the boys in black. In case you’ve successfully disconnected from mainstream Kiwi culture, I’m not referring to the secret organisation that monitors and polices aliens, I’m referring to the All Blacks. Following an emphatic fumbling of the Irish bag in the Steinlager Series, they have rattled off yet another defeat to open the Rugby Championship against South Africa. As of writing, they sit with three losses in a row for the first time in 24 years, their latest 26 – 10 defeat marks the worst loss to the Springboks in just a shade under a century as the AB’s now slide to fifth in the world power rankings.

In case you weren’t aware, we’re an outdoor lawn bowls powerhouse, sitting fifth on the all-time overall Commonwealth medal table. Yes that’s right, your local lawn bowl club is still very much pumping and isn’t just around as a backup venue for your 21st.

New Zealand sports media find themselves in a feeding frenzy, circling coach Ian Foster as pressure builds for him to get the sack. But I propose a much more radical change. Sure we could continue to retool the coaching staff, shuffle the Weet-Bix deck and even bring Stephen out of retirement, but maybe it’s bigger than all that.

Maybe we need to face facts and realise that rugby’s just not for us anymore. I propose we choose a new national sport.

Candidates for New Zealand’s new national sport: 12

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Haggis Hurling A sneaky great choice when you crunch the numbers.

All we need to do is defeat the Scots, the Canadians and a few Belgians in order to claim world superiority. With enough funding, we could surely lure a few shot-put hopefuls over to the sport in the heavyweight division that allows haggis up to one kgs in weight.

Competitive Yoga Yes, it’s a thing and yes, it doesn’t really make sense. What does make sense is the number of Kiwis probably on the cusp of a spiritual retreat to Rishikesh that we could funnel into yoga training camps. It’s time to weaponize soul searching and produce a Bishnu Charan Ghosh Cup champion.

政治

POLITICS

TŌRANGAPŪ

NEXUS

Poli-Dicks Jak Rāta

Beach Volleyball This is a triumph in geography. Forget everything you know about the beach being some leisure destination, it’s far better suited as a factory spitting out sporting legends.

Much like the clay tennis courts used in the French Open, we will boast the notoriously hot and unforgiving black sand courts at the Raglan Invitational. We also have a brilliant talent pool to lean on with both a women’s and men’s team ranked top 50 in the world.

World Sheep Dog Trials Perhaps worse than any All Black’s losing streak is the lack of a single World Sheep Dog Trial Championship.

A black mark against New Zealand’s sporting reputation considering the farming pedigree stitched into the very fabric of our nation. It’s about time we changed all that.

Badminton The national team is called the Black Cox. I’m unsure what more you need to know.

Sammy goes whop

If you’ve been living with your head up someone's ass, don’t brag, we’re not all that lucky. But if you have, you’ve been too preoccupied to notice the absolute shitfest that is NZ politics my friend. There’s the absolute chaos of James Shaw being shunted out, or Hipkins being all but boo’d off the stage, oh and the less important Sam Uffindel being FUCKING suspended as they assess assault charges from his youth. Fucking what cunt?

Sam Uffindell is under scrutiny as records of his being stood down in high school has resulted in an uproar as the public demand his resignation from the National Party. One of the more interesting responses is through forgiveness, as some state that people change and time should be taken into consideration.

I’m not heartless and I think that people are capable of change, but beating a fellow peer with malicious intent – that’s a different kōrero.

But accountability is important and it’s lowkey kinda racist as Metiria Turei was shunned for a WINZ fraud in the 90’s. Why is that any different? Also his assault, if tried as an adult, is a violent crime. Soooo, I’m not saying it’s worse, but it’s fucking worse. His response, while I’m sure is somewhat genuine, also came before his running for MP as the victim has come forth regarding a phone call from Uffindell months prior to his MP announcement. Surely some damage control right?

What this means? My takeaway from this debacle is that the Government doesn’t really know how to handle scandalous events, and political parties' responses are genuinely bullshit as they damage control. Taking a look at the other possible candidates for Tauranga MP, I’m not entirely sure we’re getting the worst of the bunch. I mean, smoked weed and sunk piss? Lad.

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HINENGARO

WHELMED

健康

L'appel du vide Dave Snell Dedicated to Karl, Associate of Words.

I’m not a fan of the French language. I think I’ve watched too many movies with French phrases because when I say any French words, I sound like such a rube. But I will admit that the French language does make weird shit sound romantic.

Like l'appel du vide – which means staring into the void.

This phrase is used to describe that sudden moment where your brain almost compels you to do something ridiculously dangerous, but you resist because you don’t want to die and you have impulse control. Let me give you some examples…

As a middle-aged Pākehā man, and a lot of us do this for some reason, I’m often up on our roof. Almost every time I’m up on our roof, I have this sudden urge to jump off. I know that I will break both of my fragile, Mr Glass legs, so I don’t. However, I still have this urge to. Another example is when I pass a big truck on an overtaking lane, I have this urge to swerve into the wheels. My brain thinks “What would happen if I did that?

Would I go spinning off, or would I get crunched? What would the physics of that be like?” Another personal example is when I’m stopped at a roundabout, a car comes around and I think “I don’t know this person, but if I drive out in front of them, we’ll then be connected through this experience”. Now fortunately, for some reason, my little logic brain says “No Dave don’t jump off the roof you’d get fucked up”, or “Think of the truck driver’s kids”, or “That’s not how you meet new people Dave”, and that stops that thought from turning into action.

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But… hopefully…we all get those weird urges to do the weirdest inappropriate dangerous shit. One of my favourite Jim Carrey lines, from one of his old stand-ups, talked about how we’re only one moment away from pure insanity. One moment we’re looking in the mirror, the next we could be wildly slashing our tongue with a razor. Apparently, half of us have this feeling and maybe this is why the Final Destination movies were so weirdly popular. Some psychologist in Florida, probably not the person who treats “Florida Man”, thinks it's because your brain sends you a message that the situation is unsafe, you assess the situation, and then think “I’m not in danger. Why was I afraid? I must’ve actually wanted to jump”.

Like some revisionist safety video. According to this theory, your brain is basically saying “Oh shame – you wuss!” and you reply by saying “No way, I’m a badass motherfucker who was fully going to Evil Knievel this shit”.

To be honest I’d much rather think it’s the latter. That French phrase, video apple or whatever, is really just a cover for how incredibly daring my fellow daredevils’ lives, and my own life, is. Standing there wanting to jump off rooves, drive into trucks, or slash my tongue with a razor. Brains do weird things.

Let's not start writing angsty teenage poetry about voids.

Seriously, I'm not off my meds this time.

Sometimes when you stare off the roof, the roof stares back.

NEXUS

PUORO

PASS THE AUX

音乐

PASS THE AUX Seamus made this playlist

STICKY FINGERS

Seamus Lohrey

01. Hourglass - The Butlers 02. Love Of My Life - Queen 03. She’s Always a Woman - Billy Joel 04. I’m Not Your Lover - Leif Vollebeck BILLY JOEL

05. Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door - Bob Dylan 06. Cyclone - Sticky Fingers 07. Since I’ve Been Loving You- Led Zeppelin 08. If I Can Dream - Elvis Presley NOAH KAHAN

09. Young Blood - Noah Kahan 10. Ghost Town - Kanye West, PARTYNEXTDOOR 11. Something in the Orange - Zach Bryan 12. Get Back - The Beatles ZACH BRYAN

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特辑

FEATURE

KUPU WHAKAATU

NEXUS

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KUPU WHAKAATU

FEATURE

特辑

JONAH LOMU RUGBY VIDEO GAME

Like many of you, I was raised through the boom of Rugby and saw the rise and fall of some of our greats. I saw the incessant push for Stat cards in Weetbix boxes (I see them still being shoved down throats even now), and I was also one of the lucky kids to shake Tane Umaga’s hand in 2003 at primary school. I have to say all the details because fuck me, it was an inspirational moment in my life. But like most of you, I wasn’t able to see past the Gilbert Rugby balls and post-match banter to understand the flailing instability of our Union. I think I’ve approached this all wrong, implying I’m going to break down Union Rugby and how it can be fixed – I’m not the person who can do that. I actually want to just talk about the state of Rugby and how it’s kind of in its flop era.

June 22 saw Mark Robinson releasing details regarding the 5 year strategic plan for NZ rugby. This is made up of four essential pillars, enhancing their success up until 2026. These pillars being: Winning with mana Rugby at the heart of our communities Loved game, loved brands Unleashing rugby’s commercial potential That’s cute and all, and I’m sure it means certain success for the Union, but I want to discuss something much larger than this. We’ve seen it all before right? The main structure of these pillars are staples within the Union for like, ever?

Basically what they’re saying is, to continue success, we need to build ads and make sure people like rugby. That would explain wanting to shove those Stat Attacks back down our throats in rapid succession.

But wait a minute, haven’t we seen commercial growth over the past 30 odd years?

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SMALL BLACKS TV

New Zealand Rugby has recently agreed terms for its muchcraved cash injection, shaking hands with the players’ union to sell a minority stake to private equity firm Silver Lake.

The NZR board announced the deal in June, which saw the American firm investing an initial $NZ200m ($A186m) to own 5.71% of NZR’s commercial arms. NZR, NZRPA, and Silver Lake will also create an international rugby investment vehicle called “Global Rugby Opportunities” as part of the deal.

Meaning there’s an expected growth in revenue through intended commercial success and globalisation of loving the game, building on the final pillar in Robinson’s grand plan.

So, in the grand tradition of breaking down shit and going on a deep dive, here’s some of the more commercial things that have been successful and some of the things that haven’t.

Hoping someone over at Silver Lake or NZR notices my list and doesn’t make the same mistakes of those before them.

Jonah Lomu Rugby

Ka Pai

If you were one of those kids with money, good for you cunt, but I wasn’t. But I had a good mate back up north who had a PlayStation (shout-out to you Jamal) and we’d go so hard at this beast. Prior to your yearly shit-fests that were Rugby ‘04 onwards franchise. Starting off strong with this one though, Jonah Lomu is a king so this game is not short of a goldplated glory.

What’s good about it: As a pioneer in Rugby based video games, it was appealing to the wider market of kids that loved rugby but didn’t want to get their head fucked in and smashed – I get it buddy.

The graphics are a product of their time, but that’s not a bad thing. I’m not a huge gamer, but the gaming dynamics were dope and it was fairly foolproof so anyone could pick it up.

The marketing team responsible understood their target

特辑

FEATURE

KUPU WHAKAATU

NEXUS

LI-ION BATTERY

audience and made a game that I’m sure some burly dad yelled at his kid about when he wasn’t passing or playing through correctly. Just fucking listen to your dad man.

Li-Ion battery – Kotiro Ma This isn’t just about the battery, but honestly the wide range of power tools released adorning the All Blacks silver fern and all over black appearance. Okay, I know I’m not the biggest lad out there but I’m fairly certain that there’s gotta be a better of way of schlanging meat than carrying around those fuck ugly brushless drills and an angle grinder. Those batteries are just a waste of money, supporting the teams by going to a game is a better use of your dosh.

What’s good about it: Literally nothing.

Weetbix Collectors Cards + Tin Box

Big fucking Ka Pai

I’ve mentioned that Stat Attack is back, but here’s the thing.

They’ve been doing these for yonks, promoting the game and collecting players like they’re yu-gi-oh and I was here for it.

I’ve never been a huge collector of anything but those Carter, Somerville, and obviously Mealamu. They were like gold to me and I wanted them more than anything in my life. And then, the tin for our weetbix… fuck bro – you have no idea how much I vyed for that damn Weetbix tin. I have a confession, I do still have mine and I use it regularly. I swear that it keeps those things so damn fresh bro.

What’s good about it: They don’t age and the sentimental value alone is enough to have anyone crying tears as they find them in the back of the kitchen junk drawer.

Birth Certificate

Kotiro Ma

At its core, I understand it. You know, as Kiwis, it’s in our blood to have national pride in our team – but to the point of having it plastered across one of the most, arguably, important documents that you’ll carry with you for life.

What’s good about it: It’s a birth certificate, so it’s going to allow you the ability to get shit. So there’s that going for it I guess.

Car Mats

Ka Pai?

Here’s a divisive one. I kinda fuck with those rubber mats, they’re great for keeping your car clean and easy as fuck to wash off. But that’s where my love for them ends, at the rubber. They’ve got a large as fuck silver fern across them and I’m sure there’s a few people that like it – I don’t.

What’s good about it: The rubber is easy to clean and they’re black so they’ll go with everything. But that big ass silver fern can fuck off.

Honourable Mentions: Rugger Smallblacks TV The point I need to reiterate is that I don’t hate Union Rugby, my heart is and will always remain in club teams and aftermatch beers and kai, but rather I commercial Union and what it stands for, money. Money is in the game, I get it, but commercial growth isn’t the be all and end all of general success in Rugby. It’s in our blood and we’re going to support the boys in black without the added pressure of blowing a months salary on some useless shit that doesn’t prove anything except an inate need to flex some fuck ugly, silver fern branded condoms. You get the idea.

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NEXUS

21

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MĀRAKERAKE

FULL EXPOSURE

访谈

Sponsored by Last Place :)

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访谈

FULL EXPOSURE

MĀRAKERAKE

NEXUS

King Komodo Jak Rāta

Fomo Tings: fuck knows Follow him: @kingkomodo

Gotta start simple, what’s the meaning behind the name?

Atmosphere

I thought that was apparent. I’m the lizard king. King Komodo, Sir Salamander Himself, The Dynamic Dino, the Ruthless Raptor, The Impossible Iguana, The Reptile Commander, Spindiana Cones, Lee Zardo, Ol Lizard Whips. Your friendly neighbourhood lizardman. The “Democratically Elected” Lizard King of New Zealand. Leader of the Lizardmen.

The Palmer Squares

With Winter Minter just having happened, what’s on the horizon for King Komodo?

Well, we’ve done Spring Thing, Minter Winter (1 & 2), and Awesome Autumn.

Next up is the TOTALLY NOT A BUMMER SUMMER. In between now and then, we’ve got more songs and art coming.

THE MAN HIMSELF

A-F-R-O R.A. The Rugged Man Jarv Nahte Remnus and me and Thief.

But I’m also about that mixed rap/ rock lineup (which is what we do for these Season Gigs), so probably some chaotic bands like Voodoo Glow Skulls or something.

If you had to recommend some artists you’re vibing with atm, who are we looking up?

The Woolyboyz Nahte Remnus Connor Mussara

You describe yourself Bizzare Rapper, Artist, and Lizardman (which is fucking on), but how would you describe your aesthetic/sound?

Big Guts Billy

- Art wise? Vibrant trip-spec mind pulsation, and lizardmen (The ‘Zards).

and F.A.I.R.Y. are all in my ears constantly

- Sound wise? Like if Aesop Rock, Inspectah Deck and MF DOOM spawned a little lizardman. Thief N Zard (me and ThiefOfBaghdad) is like that with some Das Racist sprinkled in.

What’s your go-to snack? Post-gig, pre-gig, whenever?

Popcorn, inject that shit into my eyes.

Dream gig line-up? Who’s gonna be there?

MOKOMOKAI DURRY JER atm.

Lastly, what about Kirikiriroa is so special to you?

This unfathomably vile, reprehensible hellscape? This place is like the Florida of NZ. I am just constantly not surprised by its consistent insanity. But despite its reputation, something about that churns out some of the best and brightest (and most overlooked) artists and minds in the country. You don’t build culture by being generic, mass produced, and shiny.

Aesop Rock 23

NEXUS

MARAMARA KŌRERO

COLUMN

专栏

Emote!

Whenever I text my Mum, I type about three hearts, a smiley face, and at least two kisses at the end of every message. I mostly do this because of the time she asked me how I was, and I texted her ‘I’m all good’ with no kisses. She tried to tell me she knew something was wrong, and she wouldn’t leave me alone about it. Nothing was wrong. I just forgot to add the usual pizzaz to the text.

It’s not just my Mum that I message like this. I put ‘lol’ at the end of any message that I worry will come off as abrasive.

I sign my emails with a colon and closing bracket to make a smiley face. I use exclamation marks to seem upbeat and friendly!! I take great care in making sure that I never come off as rude or short. The fact is that emojis and emoticons are really some of the only tone indicators that are available to us in the world of texting. Without adding a little bit of spice to our messages, how would we show people the tone behind them? For example, if my friend texted me ‘oh cool’, instead of ‘ohhh, cool!! :)’, I’d be deeply offended and assume they hated me and wanted me to die. Which I think is normal, you know? But it is kind of exhausting having to take such care with each message. So many of the emojis are so overboard as well; no one actually cries real tears every time they laugh.

I think part of the reason I put so much effort into seeming friendly is probably because I’m a woman. We are generally expected to be a lot more bright and bubbly in our emails than our male peers and colleagues. I’m pretty sure my brother isn’t expected to send our mother as many hearts as I am. However, It seems to be becoming more and more common for both men and women to text in this way.

Using emojis and tone indicators also makes it a lot easier to lie about how I’m feeling. I can effortlessly pretend to like somebody that I don’t, just by sending them some smiley faces. Sure, it’s pretty fake of me, but it’s a relief to not have to deal with seeing that person IRL. One of the things I hate most is having a conversation with someone and having to plaster a huge fake smile on my face the whole time. I can also pretend to find their memes funny if they send them to me over Instagram. It’s a lot easier to type a bunch of laughing emojis than it is to fake laugh all the way through a 10 minute video. So I guess there are pros and cons to emoji use. Either way, at this point, I don’t think I could live without them.

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专栏

COLUMN

MARAMARA KŌRERO

NEXUS

Off-Centre: Folk Horror Is Mad Crazy (If you’re unfamiliar with what this column’s purpose is, basically, I talk about alternative, sorta mind-fuck films, series, and music) I was struggling for an idea to discuss in this piece until I found myself scrolling through Netflix and saw “Midsommar” as a suggested watch. It got me thinking about how diverse the horror genre of film is. Of course, we have the classic paranormal and apocalyptic themes, but a very interesting subgenre of horror (which “Midsommar” falls into) is folk horror. In simple terms, folk horror uses elements of folklore to invoke fear in an audience. Typically, it involves a rural setting and themes of isolation, religion, and nature. This brings me to the two films I have decided to talk about: “The Witch”, and of course, “Midsommar” (if I write that one more time I might just explode).

In 2015, we were introduced to the greatly talented Anya Taylor-Joy in her breakthrough role as Thomasin in “The Witch”. And holy shit, that film was intense. Bless A24 for distributing films with such compelling stories. This movie follows a family trapped and punished by the age-old concepts of witchcraft, black magic, and possession as they try to navigate their new life in the wilderness of New England. It is a beautifully crafted film, both riveting and unsettling, and I dare say it’s one of the most interestingly captivating horror movies of the twenty-first century. It was made in such a way that it was both utterly terrifying and incredibly believable. If you haven’t seen it yet, hurry

the fuck up and get on with it.

Now, I guess I should talk about “Midsommar” (that’s it, I’m DONE). In 2018, we were introduced to American screenwriter, director, and producer Ari Aster with his film “Hereditary”. That was definitely a sight to see- be careful of lamp posts. The following year, Florence Pugh stole the stage in her performance in Aster’s second A24 film, which is the topic of this conversation (as you can see, I never want to have to write that title again). I regret watching this movie for the first time all alone in my tiny College Hall room last year, because when it was over, I was not okay. What. The. Fuck. From A24’s own words, this film is “increasingly unnerving and viscerally disturbing”, and they’re not wrong. Ari Aster has a masterful visionary mind which he put into great use when composing a tale that was so daunting. It was a psychologically-disturbing movie without a doubt, but can I just say that it was so aesthetically and intelligently put together that it was… stunning- that’s ignoring the plot of course, because that shit was wack.

In my completely unimportant opinion, I think that folk horror films are some of the most frightening pieces of cinema we can watch, and these two films prove that. Am I biassed because of the two actresses I have mentioned in this column because I think they’re amazing? Maybe, but my point still stands. If you’re tired of your regular ghosts and zombies, treat (?) yourself to a day dedicated to this specific genre of film.

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NEXUS

MARAMARA KŌRERO

COLUMN

专栏

A fail proof way to get motivated Caffeine will only get you so far. At some point or later, you will have to pull up your socks, sit down, and do the mahi.

If you are motivated to do your assignments, please stop showing off and piss off with your amazing life. If not, and with most people probably having assignments due this week or next, here are 10 ways you can motivate yourself (and fingers crossed myself). You’re welcome.

1. Research has shown that goal setting is important. Set small specific achievable goals. Size really is important. Break up a big assignment into paragraphs or 100 words. “Working on my assignment/ going to study” at the library might be more productive if you set the goal of finishing a reading.

2. Physically seeing your progress can boost self-esteem so create (and tick) off a checklist.

3. Give yourself a break. Try a hot girl walk to get you out of your head and boost your mood.

4. Talk to others who have reached their goals. You’ll either pick up tricks or be so bored you’d rather study.

5. Focus on elements of the work you enjoy or gamify tasks.

Find a way to get instant gratification, like 5 min social breaks, jellybeans after each chapter etc.

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6. If you don’t find listening to a lecture enjoyable, try listening to it on a walk or whilst you tidy your room. At the end of the day, you’ll probably either have folded laundry or actually prefer to listen to your lecture.

7. A study has shown that offering tips on motivation helps the adviser too when both people create a concrete plan. My true intentions are now revealed. Blast.

8. Positive self-talk. Why can’t I do my assignment? Why can’t I just give it my best? Replace your negative thoughts. I might still have a way to go, but I am proud of how far I have already come. I am capable and strong, I can get through this.

9. A “big picture” talk with a friend who doesn’t take the same course can help with clarity and remind you of what motivates you.

10. Surround yourself with motivated people. If you hear that someone has started the assignment, this might be the push to start. (Alternatively, you might realise that it’s five weeks in, you’re three behind, and think no 10 ways list can help you now. In that case, challenge your negative self-talk and see number 8, mate). I can get through anything. I can do this!

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Applications close 5pm Friday 26 August 2022 0508 427 892 hello@creativewaikato.co.nz creativewaikato.co.nz/funding

NEXUS

MAHI TOI

ART

艺术欣赏

Simple things Have you ever thought about washing the dishes when you’re washing the dishes?

Have you ever observed the birds and the bees instead of your preoccupation with your unconnected thoughts?

Have you ever eaten a worm?

The grass has a different texture thinking like this, the air is a liquid.

My feet are paintbrushes, the butterflies are singing.

I’m a dolphin, spinning and flippant, free to do what I want in the deep, deep ocean.

A firefly in a fairy-tale, an isolated system.

Have you ever been in the shower, or looked in the mirror and danced like a dog when it sees its owner?

Have you ever cried with the sunset, or at the purchase of an apple?

At the experience of life? You are enough. Feel it.

We are an ever-expanding rock, carved as mother nature and father time chip at their continuous attempt at perfection.

I can’t wait to see the next chapter, and all the ones following, and I’m glad I don’t get to see the end.

The sand bugs jump around my feet.

The sea knows how I feel, it’s seen this feeling before.

"Thank you." I cry again.

Words mean nothing to nature, but they do to us.

So here’s to the songs, the pain we feel, the people we share our time with; Here’s to it all.

It’s the simple things.

Cameron Mailer PHOTOGRAPHY BY ANNIE SPRATT

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诗歌

POEM

MAHI TOI

NEXUS

ILLUSTRATION BY JAK RĀTA

James liked cows, ceilings, and road works. One day he ate a train, and then he went down the tubes of the house into a brown balloon. The sewer was strange and green. It smelled like rainbows. He found a shovel and dug deeper. 100m further. He found an old dinosaur skull. It was the shape of an ogrelayered onion. It looked like those leather soccer balls they use in Mongolia and in the Himalayas. He kept digging, using a dinosaur bone. His hands were sore.

There were tomatoes growing on his palms. They grew up in 3D and there were tomatoes growing from coconut trees coming out of his hands. His eyes span around in spirals of silver and gold. Let’s use the tomatoes to grenade the hole deeper. BANG! BOOM! CRASH! Rubble is everywhere, well, that and this giant spaceship here. There is a pickle telling us he’s been stuck down here since Cleopatra. We need to rescue him from the spaceship. BANG! BOOM! CRASH! Hi Mr. Pickle. Let’s go to the mantle of the

Earth. We use alien lasers to get into the mantle. It’s not here. It’s Everywhere, “What?” the purple and green shimmer! It zips up and down like neurons.

We’re fired into space. Mr. Pickle got smushed. I am in space now. The upside down is nowhere. Stars and planets all around. Bright and yellow and purple and deep green. Here comes the wormhole. We’re on the shores of nowhere. Nowhere nothing happened, and we’re everything is about to begin again. Roman columns of pot plants explode bees in circles of staircases made of honey. They go up into the trees and eat the wasps who were never their friends. The wasps get ripped into goo, and then the bees take the wasps stingers because they are the updated version. Now they’re ready to fight the sentient pillow army that’s planning on taking over the hive. Wooo!

Let’s blow them up with my tomatoes. No more pillow men, no more adventures. Time to make some hash browns.

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NEXUS

AROTAKENGA

REVIEWS

点评

The Last Slimento Music | Katrina Jones

In an effort to support his seven children to six different baby mommas, YoungBoy Never Broke Again (NBA YoungBoy) has released a new album in a bid to never be broke again (although it’d be hard not to with that many kids!). This album is YoungBoy’s fourth album, and includes 31 pieces of mediocre music. I guess he’s never heard of the term starting off strong as the first song on this Album, ‘I Know’, sounds like when you're presenting in a lecture but you're mumbling and hungover. Not too sure what message this song is trying to get across except for that he apparently has no friends and is afraid of being all alone (don’t think he’s ever gonna be all alone with that many children and baby mommas).

His next song ‘Hold Your Own’ is literally just him yelling to some beat. I can’t understand a word of what he is saying and I’m only two songs in and I’m starting to wonder if this guy has a speech impediment or if I’m hard of hearing. They say that the proof is in the pudding, but proof does not sound like pudding. I’m convinced that no thought has gone into these lyrics, and he is reading off a word search now; the lyrics lack meaning and aren’t even in time with the beat?!

In an effort to bring in that bag, NBA YoungBoy has collaborated with a few decent artists on this album such as Quavo, Rod Wave, and Kehlani. You can tell that someone else had an input in these songs as they sound significantly better than

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17% the rest of the album. ‘Don’t Rate Me’ ft Quavo actually has a chorus and a smooth beat. Don’t know if it's him or Quavo sings ‘Do – Re – Mi, that money come in purple and blue’, but they can actually sing or they can at least be autotuned to sound half decent. ‘Home Aint Home’ ft Rod Wave is more chill vibes and even features a piano in the backing track! The beat is smooth, and the lyrics don’t seem like they are from a word search. Basically he goes on about how his home doesn’t feel like a home no more (as if you couldn’t have guessed that by the title). I’m genuinely so surprised that he managed to get Kehlani on the track but I'm even more surprised that I actually like this song. ‘My Go To’ ft Kehlani must be the best song on the album. The beat makes me want to move my hips and in a way compliments his whingey voice. Kehlani has the voice of an angel and makes this song worth listening too.

Absolutely no surprises that not a single song of this album has made it into one of his top songs, because they are quite frankly all pretty shit, aside from ‘My Go To’. Overall a 2/10would have been a 0/10, but I couldn’t do that to Kehlani.

Someone teach NBA YoungBoy about quality over quantity so he stops putting 31 shit songs on an album when he could have just put 13. Also so he maybe stops adding to his collection of baby mommas. Don’t be silly, wrap your willy, and don’t listen to the Last Slimento.

点评

Twenty twenty - Djo Music | Lily Bradley

REVIEWS

AROTAKENGA

NEXUS

95%

Is Steve Harrington your favourite character from Stranger Things? Do you have a Steve-shaped void in your heart? If so, I have news for you. Joe Kerry (Steve) has been releasing some dope as fuck music for years now. Not like the countless other celebrities who decide to have a music career, this shit is actually good.

The album Twenty Twenty is the perfect psychedelic album with a sprinkle of 70s vibes. Perfect for the moment at the end of a big night where the last ones conscious are spaced out on the couch.

My faves in the album are Roddy, Personal Lies, and Mortal Projections. Roddy just scratches an itch in my brain and will forever be in my top 3 favourite songs of all time. However, every time you listen you may have a new favourite. I'm struggling to fault it. My one criticism is the album cover. Slightly boring.

You never quite know what to expect in this album, that's what I love about it. Each song at some point does something out of the ordinary that surprises you. I can't explain it, so you'll just have to give it a listen. If you don't like it, we cannot be friends xx

The Gray Man Film | Caitlin Walters-Freke

49%

I think we all know that Netflix isn’t thriving at the moment. It’s cancelling its best shows, it’s upping its prices again and it’s trying to make you pay more for an adless experience. I am one of the few that’s clinging on to the service and decided to actually use it for once. Thanks to its top 10 rankings (as of the day I write this), I decided to check out the film The Gray Man. Based on the book series by Mark Greaney, the film is about a former CIA agent, solely known as Six, who goes on the run after discovering some information that he really shouldn’t know.

For a film that came from the Russo Brothers of MCU fame, I thought this would be a better film. I thought the action had some cool moments, especially the ones that played with the lighting and colour of the scenes. The fireworks fight stands out to me as a highlight for doing this. It was also nice to see Chris Evans perform a different kind of role. However, it all felt very familiar. It didn’t grab my attention much either. I found that I could have it on in the background and only really looked up when I heard an explosion (which was surprisingly often). The ending wasn’t the best either (but I won’t spoil it for you).

Overall, this film was fine. A typical generic action.

If you’re keen to check it out, stream it on Netflix.

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WHAKANGAHAU

ENTERTAINMENT

娱乐

Don't quote me “coke, crack, or bepis” - Doja Cat. What else is there to say?

“We still have more trophies than you.”

Crush of the week

- A Man United fan already on the verge of a breakdown, probably.

Doja Cat

“I'M PEEING” - MTV is really excited about Lady Gaga being in the Joker sequel.

Honestly don’t know if we’ve done Doja Cat before, but she deserves to be here. Her eyebrow game is hitting different right now, and like, it's Doja Cat. She confidently sang “I got a man but I want you” knowing damn well that she’s the person everyone wants.

“One o’clock, wallow in self pity.”

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Twitter Treading

Clickbait Moodboard

- The Grinch will never stop being relevant.

娱乐

Caption This

ENTERTAINMENT

WHAKANGAHAU

NEXUS

Top 10 Signs You Should Check On Your Mate

No Fats, No Fems, No Asians

10.

Becoming distant - there could be many reasons, but for both your sakes, you should (KINDLY) ask why.

9.

Rarely leaving their room - sometimes being alone is nice, but more often than not it’s actually concerning.

in eating habits - one meal a day, 8. Change really? Please check on your mate.

7.

Neglecting work - stress piles up ridiculously fast, and they might benefit from talking about it.

6.

Skipping out on plans - sure, sometimes people need a break, but that break seems kinda sus if it never ends.

5.

Dark humour - granted, it’s funny sometimes, but it's also unsettling when you can see it’s not a joke.

4.

Changes in their mood - are they more snappy than usual? Anxious? Tired?

Aggressive?

3.

Recent events/changes - people deal with things differently. If it wouldn’t affect you, it might still affect them.

2.

Over-indulging - whether it’s spending hella money, drinking, or something else, it can definitely be a sign.

1.

Brought things up before. Saying “everything's gonna be okay” doesn’t really help. Also, don’t just ignore it??

TF??

When I message my ex back

Seasonal Depression tings

When she calls you her baby boy

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N.17 / V. 55

STUDENT EXPERIENCE

学生体验

SNAPPED 学生体验

SNAPPED

ATAPAKI

NEXUS

Keen for some free BurgerFuel? Simply snap 'nexusmag' the shitfest of your student lifestyle for the chance to win. Collect from the SUB.

WINNER

35

WĀHEKE

HOROSCOPES

HOROSCOPES

星座运势

Name:

Created with TheTeachersCorner.net Word Search Mak

Aquarius: January 20 — February 18

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You’re definitely that friend that spoils shows and movies for everyone else. Seriously, grow up. Or don’t, let them suffer.

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Aries: March 21 — April 19

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You’ve been contemplating changing up your hair, but you’re scared of it looking shit. Who cares?

Wigs, hats, and beanies were invented to be used.

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Taurus: April 20 — May 20 You’re finally up to the hyped part of your current show. Have fun crying when you realise it’s as sad as it is cool.

Gemini: May 21 — June 20

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Leo: July 21 — August 22 Leo season is ending soon, so enjoy it while it lasts, because once the virgos take over, we’re all doomed.

Virgo: August 23 — September 22 You just found out your crush of the week has a partner. DO move on to someone else. DON’T try to get in the way.

Libra: September 23 — October 22 You’re a sad little shit, aren’t you? Take a walk and blast your sad boi hours playlist, it’ll hit different. Or you’ll cry in public.

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LIPPY LOOSE FUSSY SLUT FRIGID All the things AndrewTEASE Tate has CHEAP FRUMPY Tate you cunt.

WHORE TROLLOP FIERCE LOUD LIPPY BITCH LOOSE HO CATTY BOSSY SHRILL MANLY FUSSY DRAMATIC

SLUT DIVA FRIGID TEASE EASY CHEAP FRUMPY NEUROTIC WHORE

called

BOSSY DIVA EASYFuck you women.

NEUROTIC NAGGY WILD TROLLOP COCKTEASE NAGGY DYKE FIERCE

Andrew

LOUD WILD BITCH HO COCKTEASE CATTY SHRILL DYKE MANLY DRAMATIC

Scorpio: October 23 — November 21

TRIVIA

Please, for the sake of everyone’s sanity, brush your goddamn hair. Untangling it with your fingers is not always going to work.

1. What is the scientific name of the plant used to make liquorice?

Your outfits lately are giving chic himbo. Is that a good thing? Yes, yes it is. Keep up the good work.

Capricorn: December 22 — January 19 Do you even know what week of uni it is? When was the last time you ate? Have you left your room?

Are you OKAY? N.17 / V. 55

2. Which comedian created the character of Maude Frickert?

3. Which US state is nicknamed the “Magnolia State”?

LAST WEEKS ANSWER:

Sagittarius: November 22 — December 21

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WORDFIND

1. Brooklyn, New York 2. Sean Connery

NEXUS

Printing sudoku grids Printing sudoku grids

益智游戏

https://1sudoku.com/print-sudoku https://1sudoku.com/print-sudoku

SUDOKU 66

7 71 1

55

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955

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88

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1sudoku.com 1sudoku.com

22 n° 122978 - Level n° 122978 - Level Easy Easy

Easy

11

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9 8

77

6 8

n° 219905 - Level Medium 219905 - Level Medium n°n° 328854 - Level Hard

Kinda Easy

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1sudoku.com 1sudoku.com 1sudoku.com

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