issue 23 2011

OCTOBER 3RD 2011

23

HORROR!

THE DEVIL’S ROCK In cinemas, in your student magazine and IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!

ROLLER DERBY

Learn all about the rolling fury of Hamilton when Eliza Jackson talks derby to you.

TROUSER BOMBS!

Dick Dynamite and the Doppelgangers get scary with Nexus

HORROR IN HTOWN Luke Elliot dares to venture into the void and comes face to face with NOTHINGNESS!

2

THE CONTENTS 4

EDITORIAL

5

5 WITH 5 ON 5

6-7

LETTUCE

8-9

THE NEWS!

10

LEFT VS. RIGHT

11

SPORTS THOUGHTS

13-18 20 21-23

11

26

THE MAGIC 8-BALL ENTERTAINMENT PUZZLES

24

DICKS, DYNAMITE & CO

25

DERBYTASTIC

26-27

TOP TEN - MEGA EDITION 2

28-29

THE DEVIL’S ROCK

31-37

8

WSU PAGES

22

30

5

25

30

NEXUS SUMMONS THE DEVIL COLUMNS AND REVIEWS

38

GIG GUIDE

39

WEEKEND WARRIORS

28 3

EDITORIAL

OCTOBER 3RD 2011

WITH ART

Welcome to our horror issue! We figured, seeing as we can’t publish a magazine at Halloween itself, we’d do it now. Halloween is fun and awesome and anyone who tells you “I don’t celebrate Halloween because of my religion” should probably stop celebrating Easter and Christmas, as they’re on or around pagan holidays as well.

23

HORROR! Credits:

This issue is jam packed full of horrifying stuff. Gig Girl wrote us a horror story about town, with an important moral at the end. Once again Sam Hurley has outdone himself with his contributions. The cover, you may notice, is THE ALMIGHTY 8-BALL at home in its lair. Luke Elliott actually went there. No shit.

NEWS EDITOR: James Manning (news@nexusmag.co.nz)

Often, in horror movies, it’s easy to see who the bad guy is. He’s the guy with the knife or the axe, or the creature that lays its eggs in your stomach. The baddie might wear a raincoat and kill you screen and media class one at a time. Maybe he’ll wear a Nazi uniform, just to state the fact that he’s a Nazi zombie. You can see the bad guy coming from a mile away and, even though you’re sprinting and he’s walking, he’s constantly

FILM EDITOR: Richard Swainson (films@nexusmag.co.nz)

right behind you. The “slightly creepy boyfriend” character is also a good example.

EDITOR: Art Robinson (editor@nexusmag.co.nz) DESIGN: David Nixon (design@nexusmag.co.nz) ADVERTISING: Tony Arkell (ads@nexusmag.co.nz)

BOOKS EDITOR: Kevin Pryor (books@nexusmag.co.nz) GAMES EDITORS: Sash Nixon (games@nexusmag.co.nz)

In the real world it can be much harder to figure out who the bad guys are.

DESIGN INTERN: Debby Yeung

Contributors Sam the Heretic, Luke Elliott, Ben Woolen, Scott Granville, Dirty Old Chair Leg, Shannon Rolfe, Judy’s Sweet Legs, Dr Richard Swainson, Owen Hinton, Honest Matt, Kylie Zinsli,

There are some people in parliament who I think would be played by a talking child’s doll with knives, were there to be a movie about their life. There are some policemen and crown prosecutors I have met who could easily lay their eggs in your chest. Some girls I have met started off like Helen of Troy and, quickly or slowly, have revealed themselves to be psycho hose beasts.

Jess Edmonds-Saunders, Surrey Jackson, Mrs. Matthews, Jade Carey, Josh Cooper, Daniel Farrell, Esther Coker, Lauren KB, Mandy Suess-Ryan, Rawinia Judson, Caitlin

Sometimes I wish that life was more like a horror movie. I want to hear baddies coming, rather than take a figurative knife in the back.

Hayns, Aaron.Letcher, Kate Cogswell, Ayman Kysten,

ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS

The real bad guys are found outside of university, where we come to open our minds to new ideas. They’re the ‘grown ups’ who make decisions with only themselves in mind, the ones who think: students are apathetic - let’s put our junk on their face. These “grown ups”, despite reports from New Zealand’s experts in medicine and drugs, don’t want to even think about decriminalising marijuana, but are fine with everyone getting drunk as hell at various bars around Wellington. They want everyone to eat healthier, then refuse to think about taking GST off of fresh fruit and vegetables. They want us to look after the environment, but would rather spend money on building roads than

PUBLICATIONS 2003 LTD, ANY OF OUR ADVERTISERS,

establishing rail networks around the country.

Burton C. Bogan, and Campbell “Ultimate Warrior” Weal.

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA).

Or at least, we think we are.

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION

THE WSU, APN, THE EDITOR, OR ANYONE. WE THINK THAT THESE LITTLE JOKES AREN’T READ BY ANYONE BUT US. AND THAT PERVY GUY IN MY BIO LAB.

WANT TO ADVERSTISE WITH NEXUS? EMAIL ads@nexusmag.co.nz OR call 07 838 4653

NEXUS IS LOCATED AT: Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamilton

They’re in our faces every day: on the news, on billboards around the city and sometimes, even here in Nexus. And they’re going to STAY there, doing their best to NOT REPRESENT you and look out after their Old Boys Club until YOU do something about it.

This week there’s an election on campus. You don’t even have to enroll to vote - you did as soon as you became a member of the WSU at the start of the year. Think of it as practise for the election at the end of the year, the one where we punish those who are messing with your future. Not all of us have holiday homes in Hawaii like the prime minister. A lot of us will probably live in New Zealand for the rest of your life and that’s awesome. Other countries are just crappy versions of New Zealand anyways.

PHONE: 07 838 4653 FAX: 07 838 4588 EMAIL: editor@nexusmag.co.nz

So, if you’re one of the tens of thousands of under 25s who is not enrolled to vote, do so. Immediately. Please.

POSTAL: Private Bag 3059, Hamilton

Otherwise we’re going to find ourselves in scarier and scarier situations and we won’t know who the villains are.

get a team together, get active, and get into...

THE QUESTIONS: 1. What’s the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?

2. What scares you?

3. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?

4. Where’s the scariest place in Hamilton?

5. What are you doing for summer?

HAMISH 1. REC. 2. When things pop out and you and you’re not expecting it and it makes you jump.

3. Skydiving.

4. The underground train station at night.

5. Hanging out with James Manning and getting messed.

ENTR CLO IES 6 O SE

ctob

er

social sport OUTDOOR

touch

six-a-side soccer

ultimate frisbee

www.asbsocialsport.co.nz

EMMA 1. Paranormal Activity, but more for the novelty value.

2. Cannibalism and demons.

3. Paragliding.

4. Steele Park.

5. Going to Whangamata and working.

TOM 1. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein.

2. Failure.

3. Longboarding down the management carpark when I was just learning. I almost died.

4. The Outback.

5. Rave hopping in the South Island.

OWEN 1. Killers. The one with Ashton Kutcher in it. That movie was terrible.

2. That lake at uni.

3. Online dating.

4. Ford Street.

5. To get as far away from Hamilton as I can.

AMY, ROSA & MAREE 1. Saw. 2. Balloons and public bathrooms. It’s not the germs; it’s the murderer who could be hiding in the next cubicle.

3. A skydive at 13. Seeing a shark while surfing.

4. We work in nightclubs; it’s the walk to the car afterwards.

5. R&V.

enter online or at the Rec Centre BROUGHT TO YOU BY

JOIN US ON

Do I need to insure my car?

Julia has just bought a car (after checking carefully its condition and whether money was owed on it) and wants to know whether she should insure it. She only paid $2,000 for the car.

Yes, yes, yes! CAB sees far too many students who have had an accident and are not insured and are liable for both their damage and the other car’s damage (which could amount to thousands of dollars). If you can not afford full insurance, then take out 3rd party insurance so you are covered if you damage another car or property.

The Hamilton Area Citizens Advice Bureau provides advice and information from four locations. They are at 55 Victoria St (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm), 70 Kent St Frankton (Mon-Fri 9am-4.30pm), Garden Place (Mon-Fri 11am-2pm) and the Cowshed at the University (Tues-Thurs 1-3pm). They also have legal, advocacy and consumer services available where you can get more specialised help.

Phone the CAB on 0800 367 222 (0800 FOR CAB) or look at the CAB website www.cab.org.nz

5

Lettuce

You won’t pull the wool over my eyes Brash and Co, I have seen and heard all about this “Freedom” before. The WSU can count on my membership next year.

Wins for Timing

Write to Win! SEND LETTERS TO: Send your letters to nexus@waikato.ac.nz

WEEKLY PRIZE: This week there is a prize! Brett from UniMart is kindly offering a $20 voucher to the writter of our letter of the week. Come to the Nexus office in the Student Union Building to collect your prize!

Hi Students, So now that Heather Roy and her generous and benevolent friends from National, ACT and United Futrue (thats the pompous guy with the permanant bad hair day who likes to preach on the evils of drink mainly) have awarded us with the freedom of voluntary student union membership. What are the unions plans for maintaining discounts and services provided by the student union for those that actually cough up and pay for them?

I believe that the Waikato Student Union need now to issue a membership card to be produced when accessing union funded services. No doubt a considerable number of the student body will opt out with a resulting hit to funding.

What services remain must be conserved for those that actually contribute to the cost of running these services.

LETTERS POLICY: Nexus welcomes and encourages debate through the letters page, serious or not. Letters should be received by Wednesday 5pm on the week prior to publication. We’ll print basically any letter, but the editor reserves the right to abridge or refuse correspondence. Word count is limited to 250 words and we will enforce this as we please.

We won’t correct your spelling and grammar either, so it’s up to

This would of course include producing your membership card when rolling up for that free snag on the the village green. Yes, off you go and enjoy the freedom of not having access to a free lunch and other most probably more important services.

you how much of an idiot you look like. Pseudonyms are okay (all correspondence must include your real name and contact details – they won’t be printed if you don’t want them to be). Send letters to nexus@waikato.ac.nz

Freedom of Association bill. This is another part of an on going cynical agenda to remove lobbying by collective effort from the psyche of the general population that has been conducted over the last twenty years. I know this because I am old, and was in the workforce when the efforts to undermine union negotiated employment awards came into being to the distinct disadvantage of the guys actually doing the work.

Signed the experienced one.

Come pick up your $20 UniMart voucher at the Nexus office in the WSU Building.

BYC AND OWEEK Yo students!

When we aren’t all partying during the 2012 O-Week, I hope to see the most badass Backyard Cricket Tournament of all tournaments being held on the Village Green. The space is perfect for many sport activities, and I can already imagine blazing cover drives into the lake while relaxing in the sunshine. Touch rugby and football competitions with representative teams from each student hall would also be a massive hit. Getting involved, active and socialising with other university students is a must, and what better way to do it through sport. It would also provide an awesome spectacle for others to watch. I for one would rather see as many people as possible taking part in casual sporting competitions throughout O-Week for a bit of fun and a side order of glory, which can be perfectly rounded off with a legit campus party with a prominent New Zealand music group.

Campbell Weal

Another reminder, National, ACT and United Future are seeking your votes at this years general election. Register and vote for anybody else but these guys if you don’t approve of this little gem of social engineering that is the

Empowerment!

Dear Nexus Readers, Man up and do more. Your potential for awesomeness is infinite. There are 24 hours in every day of which only 7-8 should spend sleeping.

There are plenty of hours where you could be doing anything that could improve your own, your loved ones or the average people around you to have a better, more enjoyable life. I urge you to try to focus your productivity on more worthwhile activities rather than hanging out

THE NEXUS LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A

$20 VOUCHER FROM UNIMART

CONVENIENCE STORE HERE ON CAMPUS

FOOD, DRINKS, SNACKS AND DAILY ESSENTIALS ALL IN ONE FRIENDLY LOCATION 6

on Facebook or watching useless television programmes. Most people use endless amounts of excuses as to why they cannot do the frightening or hard things they really want to do. Use your own mind to decide the epic things you are going to do with your life. Then do them.

Ask that person you’ve got an eye on out for a date. Get that annoying assignment out of the way long before the deadline. Exercise harder than you have before. As a truly wise (fictional) man once said, “It is our choices, [Harry,] that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities”. Chose to do more and be awesome.

From the girl who wants more, Lana Weal

This Made Us Laugh Hey Nexus!

The only active Young Nat on my facebook friends list deleted me. Why? I suggested that Tau Henare needs to use an “inside voice”, and that some of our MPs go back to pre-school.

I don’t know how I will ever cope with this, my heart is shattered. I will truly miss the constant updates about why VSM is the best thing to happen to our universities.

Not.

Leave the Kids Alone!

Be a Better Library!

Im sick of people bringing their crying babies to class. Its now happened twice this semester and its cool, i understand that you got pregnant young and your trying to get an education and all that jazz. But im paying to be here, im paying to learn and i dont want some screaming kid to waste my money. Your paying to be here too, but your baby isnt. Its just a pain in the arse for everyone else. Im guessing something came up and you probably felt that you couldnt do anything other than look after him/her. But its plain rude when you encourage it to make noise and annoy the rest of us. Hate on me for not being ‘sympathetic’ to your situation. But i made a concious effort to NOT get pregnant so dont disrupt my right to learn with your fuck up.

On Tuesday, I booked library study room 3.03 for a group project meeting. The room was amazing, sound proof glass, amazing views out over the Uni and the cute little stream and pond they are building outside the library and ample seating and tables to use. It was bliss, until I looked up and realised that the ceiling wasn’t finished. Half the ceiling had been completed, yet another area was bare, ugly concrete with water pipes and wiring visible. To be honest, it disappointed me that we are paying for this amazing new library through our fees, yet they are too lazy to finish a ceiling, when clearly, the rest of the room was complete. So come on Waikato, if you are going to build such an amazing library, at least have the honour to finish rooms. PS- The rest of the library is

We’ll Miss You Too Hamish Alrighty...first I’m new to this whole write a letter thing to lettuce. Every week I see complaints.

Well Lighten up! Good news is better than bad news. :) What I am here to write is that I’ll be leaving this beautiful campus very shortly due to the fact I’ve served my time here (sounds a bit like a jail sentence).

Sizzles

Dance!

Hey students!

Just want to let you all know that on Wednesday, during cultural hour, there will be a cultural experience for you all to see, as my dance

Yeah some may know me some may not but you all will be in my heart...that one night stand, that guy I saw fall over, or that chick I saw spewing in the bushes before class on a Friday morning. You all made my time here WICKED! The truth is I Loved studying here, it was the

studio is putting on a performance! There’s going to be mad student deals for you to check out! It’s a great way to stay fit, listen to sweet music and actually learn to shake your money maker. If you’re a dude, it’s a great way to get chicks! You meet heaps of new people and learn heaps of new skills, so what the crap are you waiting for!?!?! Get in there!

best 3 years of my life. I won’t regret coming here and I will always remember the new friends I made and the old friends that I kept.

Waikato Uni is one Fricking great place to study with its nice greenery and friendly staff, also I ended up like going to class monday morning just so I could flick through this mag called the nexus. I’ll miss you too nexus.

Love Braddles.

Cheers for the memories!

Hamish Owbridge

Leaving town soon?

Need storage?

SPECIALT STUDEN OFFERd term

s fixe Call Shirley or Nigel for all the details: 3 month $200 Ph 846 6144 storeit4U@xtra.co.nz 176 Ellis St Frankton SAVE

looking awesome, especially the water feature :D Anonymous

Htown Girls Smile A Bit! I was strolling round Uni on a nice sunny day. I walked past a girl, her looks were rated bout a 6.5 (yeah Hamilton’s got average girls). Second girl I walked past was a rare 7-9 depending if you like a small ass. As the day went by I noticed most of the chicks were all looking at the ground all hunched up. One girl looked sad, poor girl hope you’re ok. Maybe you should go home wake up and start the day again with a smile. Maybe look in the mirror and say ‘’I sue (whatever your depressing name is) am going to have a great day” So many of you girls are unconfident. Sure you’re ok with your pairs...on your own well see how confident you are. I will give a dollar to some keen joker that is keen to just bust out a random convo with these girls. I have done it and it’s funny how girls can react.

I have laughed at how just joking around has resulted in number exchanging and sometimes some sexy time in the weekend, or even on that day. I’m so fortunate I haven’t been given the good old HTIZZOWN CLAP. Girls you know who you are too (Wink face) back to the point again, hey girls walk around with a bit of confidence, u might go from a 6.5 to maybe a 10.

SELF STORAGE

Safe, secure, affordable 7

THE NEWS!

DR. RICHARD SWAINSON HONOURED AT ASPA’S

BY JAMES MANNING

Nexus made three winnings at the annual Aotearoa Student Press Association Awards, held at Victoria University in Wellington on Saturday September 24th.

Magazine Critic made it’s presence known with winnings in Best Feature, Best New Writer, Best Education Series, and multiple other 2nd and 3rd places.

Nexus picked up 1st place for Best Reviewer, 3rd place for Best Editorial and 3rd place for Best Cover.

National beer reviewer Neil Miller hosted the Awards Ceremony; where a $1000 bar tab was enthusiastically used by the Nexus team and other student magazine representatives.

Dr. Richard Swainson took out first place in the Best Reviewer category for his contributions to our film reviews, with Judge Margaret Agnew commenting that “Richard’s entries showed he was fantastically film literate. Although a little verbose, he has a nice overall reviewing style.”

Nexus Graphics Designer Dave Nixon said he was happy with the achievement and gives thanks and gratitude to the multiple design interns who offered their services throughout the year.

“A lot of the credit has to go to the design interns that have helped me out this year, that pretty much just do it for the experience; it’s nice to be able to accept some recognition on their behalf for their hard work” When asked to comment on his 3rd placing in the Best Editorial category, Art Robinson punched the desk and yelled: “F*ck! I’d forgotten all about that!”

Deputy Editor Kate Cogswell couldn’t comment on the nights events as her memory was blurry, though could definitely remember her thoughts of Victoria University of Wellington’s student magazine Salient.

“Salient had something stuck up their ass, that pretty much sums it up.”

The ASPA Awards is a ceremony that recognizes and celebrates all New Zealand student University publications.

DUCK-TAPED MOUTHS SPEAK STARK OPPOSITION BY JAMES MANNING A group of Waikato Students took to the Village Green with duck taped mouths and picket signs last Monday, in a silent protest against ACT MP Heather Roy’s Education Freedom of Association Bill.

More than 20 students stood in silence with picket signs reading slogans such as ‘98% Of Submissions Opposed VSM: LISTEN’ and ‘VSM Will Take Our Voices Away’ to show the Government that student voice would be lost if the bill becomes law.

“Nothing was being done on campus about VSM, and we needed to speak out and voice our opposition“, said organiser and participant Zane McCarthy.

Blair Munro, who also participated in the protest, said he was surprised of the number of students that are still unaware of VSM and the risk it proves towards student representation on campus.

“The overarching feeling from attendee’s was the uncertainty regarding the future of their publications. That, and drunkenness.

That was another overarching feeling”, sums up David Nixon of the

“Everyone on campus is pretty apathetic, I was walking around with a sign and people actually asked ‘What’s VSM?’” recalls Blair.

Voluntary Student Membership Bill will end compulsory membership to Student Unions, and thus could be detrimental to

night.

student life, culture and voice on campus.

Best Publication went to Salient, Victoria University of Wellington’s student magazine, while elsewhere Auckland University Student

“It just goes to show that people don’t know what VSM is, and because of that, how are they supposed to fight it? As a student union, how are we supposed to make sure it stays around, if people don’t know that it’s at risk?”

David Bennett MP

www.national.org.nz 8

M P for h aM i l t on e a s t

Hamilton East Candidate Sehai Orgad and Labour MP Sue Moroney made appearances in support of the protest.

Phone: 07 834 3407 Email: davidbennett@xtra.co.nz www.davidbennett.co.nz

Over 300 Auckland University students conducted their own opposition towards the bill by arranging a ‘sit-in’ at the top of their business school on the same day. Police were called in to arrest students for trespassing after 5 hours.

Their act was in protest of the erosion of democracy on campus and the regular hiking of student fees along with the Voluntary Student Membership Bill.

THE NEWS!

WSU CANDIDATES SAY NO TO ONLINE NEXUS

BY JAMES MANNING

The importance of Nexus to Campus life and VSM were key points of note at the WSU Candidate speeches held last Wednesday on the Village Green, where those running for positions on the WSU Board spoke to win votes from the student body.

The option of converting Nexus to a purely online publication had been considered as a way to adapt under VSM, though was rejected by multiple speakers on the basis of the importance Nexus serves on Campus.

“I’m completely against putting Nexus into a purely digital format.

That is not gonna work, Nexus is the most important socialising tool on this campus. Students don’t go to talk to the Vice Chancellor about their problems, they take it to Nexus”, stated Director Candidate Campbell Weal.

“Basically it’s important for people to see Nexus as a tangible thing, not everyone has unlimited internet access. Having some digital

Presidential Candidate Aaron Letcher spoke in favour of VSM, stating it’s great for students to have the option to join the Waikato Student’s Union, as it means the WSU has to fight for their members.

Running uncontested as Vice-President, Sam Taylor chose not to reveal her ideas and policies on a Union under voluntary membership, as she felt it’s something the Board of 2012 should decide upon collectively, and instead chose a positive outlook in these uncertain times. ”If there’s something good that can come out of VSM, I think the Unions are now receiving the attention that they deserve. People are talking about it, thinking about it. What does a union mean to you and what can it be?”

Various Candidates spoke of reinstating a Pub on Campus as a way of sustaining and reigniting student culture.

Elsewhere, Murray Riches received applause for speech against the

content is important too, but we still need a Nexus presence on campus”, said Presidential Candidate Blair Munro.

Hannah Budenberg, Aaron Letcher and Sapphire Gillard also spoke of the essentiality of keeping Nexus in magazine format.

The Education Freedom of Association Bill (VSM), which was passed into law last Thursday, was mentioned by many Candidates’, where teamwork and strong ideas were proposed as ways to keep student voice, culture and representation afloat at University.

Government, stating the “Pro-VSM clowns” stand with a parliament that “hates education.”

“They (Pro-VSM clowns) think you should put your faith in the Government. The reality is, we have a government that hates students, it hates education, and it wants us all to keep our mouths shut.

The government wants to tell us when and what to study, and the government is doing its best to systematically remove every university in the country.”

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A QUICK ONE-TWO:

IS DON BRASH’S DECLARATION ON THE LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA A PLOY TO GET VOTES, OR A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION?

LEFT JAB WITH MISS COGSWELL Don Brash, leader of the Act Party and ex-leader of National has spoken out supporting a discussion on cannabis legalisation. As he put it, “has the sky fallen in?”

The demon Dr. Don Brash feeds off votes, hence its current shriveled state. If we can deprive him of votes just a little while longer he will slowly turn to dust leaving a horrible mess around the Act Party offices and his empty shell of a home. His need is so great he is stalking his prey with cunning and skill, an example of hysterical strength but he also has a point.

RIGHT CROSS WITH SQUIDY It seems to me that anyone in this country who seems to be to the right of centre gets crucified by the media.

Visit any shopping mall, cafe or pub and the one sentiment that will ring true throughout is that people want a politician that is going to stand up for what they actually believe in regardless of what their party is doing.

Don Brash did that. He said that he believes in the decriminalisation of Marijuana even when the majority of his party probably doesn’t and he got hung out to dry for it.

The need for debate on the decriminalisation of cannabis was addressed by Brash as a personal view and was immediately shot down by the rest of the monster mash that is Act. It’ll take more than that to kill Don Brash! I told you, no votes, give him none of the votes.

His party don’t realise the blatant contradictions within their policy, which for the upcoming election is still under construction. Act is standing on a leg of Libertarianism alongside a not-quite-long-enough wooden pirate limb of hard justice.

The New Zealand Police do not waste their time and resources processing every marijuana offence they encounter. Many of these involve very small amounts and no victim. The Act Party however, prides itself on being tough on crime. The question Brash is posing is whether a victimless crime is worth police time. He pretty much nailed it in saying “apparently, a majority of New Zealanders think this law is an ass”.

He stressed that this was a personal opinion and not official party policy but for the rest of Act the proverbial excrement hit the fan.

Decriminalising marijuana is not on the agenda for party policy and neither is a sound argument. Deputy leader John Boscawen will not be running in the election and John Bank’s Epsom seat does not approve of loosening drug laws. National have also given the idea a great big ‘get fucked’, with wannabe superhero Simon Power saying ‘not on my watch!’

Dr. Don Brash is hardly a dope-addled hippy or wild-eyed radical, to transfer his own descriptions. He claimed not to be advocating the use of cannabis, nor had he smoked it himself. His ploy is in line with the Global Commission on Drug Policy which had the balls to state that the ‘War on Drugs’ has failed. Whether it is a cry for votes or not, it makes sense. He’s come a long way from his National roots. One could say Don Brash is growing.

10

Now personally I can’t see myself playing puff puff, pass at the Brash’s and I don’t think Don is the type that was reserve governor by day and hydroponic gardener by night but I think he actually believes what he is saying.

The New Zealand media (and the gypsy to my left) will probably call it cynical vote getting when instead they should be asking themselves what they truly believe in. The last time this issue was debated in the house it was voted down by a resounding number of people from both sides of the isle. Most of whom will have been worried about the grey vote. You can’t tell me that the majority of our politicians are actually against decriminalisation.

Whether you like it or not Don Brash has stayed true to the principals of his party and libertarianism in general. While act are a majority of Christian conservatives they are all for freedom of choice.

If it was a candidate from the Greens who said “decriminalise it” we wouldn’t even look twice, if it was someone from Labour, they would be praised for having the courage of their convictions but a bald white guy who likes money says decriminalise and its vote getting.

Hypocrites.

Now I’m not suggesting everyone should fall in love with Don Brash or hail him as the last honest politician to stand up for what he believes in but we should at least cut him some slack.

With John Banks openly disagreeing with him and a number of the act party losing faith because he chose to say what he did it may not have been the most calculated move he has ever made but he was asked a question and responded. If more politicians did that then maybe more of us would vote.

SPORTS THOUGHTS

OH, I ALWAYS WANTED SOME OF TERRY SEREPISOS’ CLOTHES

WITH C.BALL

I don’t think watching a full season of Glee uninterrupted would be enough to help Terry Serepisos fall asleep anytime soon, after the property tycoon and Wellington Phoenix Football Club owner was declared bankrupt with the astronomical debt of $203 million owed to creditors. You may be wondering how on earth anyone could ever owe that much money to someone or let their debt accumulate to such a

Where Serepisos liked to be completely involved with everything about the players, their contracts and performances, Morrison has vowed to leave the football side of the club to coach Ricki Herbet.

Heavily involved owners are an interesting thing to look at, and I’m completely bemused as to whether they are a positive of negative influence.

size. There had to be a point where Serepisos thought – ‘hey, I owe $203 million, that’s quite a lot right?” Wrong. Someone was obviously too busy trying to create a monopoly by owning Leceister Square, Picadilly and Coventry, because he didn’t foresee getting ass raped on Mayfair with a hotel, then carrying on to roll doubles onto an electricity company before getting the final, ironic slap in the face by income tax. For added laughs, chuck in a visit to free parking a round or two after it just got cleared out.

dominance in the NRL can largely be accredited to the financial stability their investor Eric Watson brings to the table, after he bought a 75% stake of the club in the year 2000 to make it New Zealand’s largest and highest-profile privately owned sporting franchise. While Watson started off as an extremely engaged owner, his involvement has noticeably decreased in recent times. Elsewhere in the NRL, you have Russell Crowe, who owns the South Sydney Rabbitohs and stands around like a cock at every game doing the famous raising of the arm voting system, used in gladiator matches back when Rome was awesome. We get it, you were in a good movie, now move on with your life and stop trying to remind us. Crowe is much like Serepisos, going as far as flying over to the United Kingdom when he wished to sign English league star Sam Burgess. He met with Sam’s mother in a bid to promise her son a safe career in Australia, and whatever he said worked, with Burgess now one of the Rabbitoh’s best players.

Serepisos has had to severe his ties with the Phoenix after it became apparent it is difficult to financially back a football team when you’re now officially poorer than the poorest person in New Zealand. This resulted in a massive bargain sale that even those creatures on a Bunnings Warehouse advertisement couldn’t beat by 10%, with Serepisos being forced to sell off his massive property portfolio, some household effects and even some of his clothes. Now I understand what the ‘lowest prices are just the beginning’ slogan means, because next, it’s your integrity getting molested. Serepisos was even dealt the kick of all kicks to the nuts by having to sell his baby blue 2007 Ferrari F430 F1 Spider for $205,000. Heard of public transport? It costs about a dollar, and only requires you to stomach sitting around with all the retards who smell and want to tell you about their day at court.

Luckily for Phoenix fans, a consortium of eight people banded together to become the new owners of the club. What has happened to Serepisos does raise questions though; incoming chairman Rob Morrison has stated that he will take the opposite approach to his predecessor.

Keeping things local, the Warriors’ rise to

On an international scale, you have an NBA team like the Dallas Mavericks owned by business magnate and investor Mark Cuban, who has been fined far in excess of over $1 million for a total of 13 incidents in which he has criticised the NBA league and referees. Cuban once criticised another manager about his lack of ability, saying he wouldn’t be able to manage a dairy queen (fast food restaurant). Dairy queen took offence to this, and offered Cuban a chance to try managing one for a day. He accepted. The store experienced record crowds that day, and Cuban solidified himself as a GGC. I guess I just talked myself into thinking having an extremely rich, opinionated and involved owner is a good thing. Unless he gets made bankrupt, then, that becomes a bad thing.

Sorry Terry.

11

Current students – to apply for 2012 undergraduate papers, submit your application

by 1 December to guarantee your place.

Freephone 0800 WAIKATO or visit www.waikato.ac.nz

12

PREZ SEZ

WITH DENI REPRESENTATION: HOW DO I REPRESENT YOU, THE STUDENT? One question that I am commonly asked as President is how do I represent you—the student? I thought I’d briefly answer that question in my column today, focusing on three main aspects: the local, regional and national representation of University of Waikato students.

Locally, i.e. within the University environment, I represent you by sitting on about 30 boards/committees of the University. These include a broad range of boards from governing committees of the institution, such as University Council, Finance Committee, and Capital Development Committee, to more specific committees such as Research Committee or the Student Centre Project Control Group.

In terms of regional representation, i.e. the Waikato, I am involved with a number of organizations. I was appointed onto the Studylink Student Allowance Review Board where I am the student representative

for those students who appeal decisions regarding the status of their student allowance. This has seen me travel to places like Thames and New Plymouth to make sure that tertiary students’ cases are being supported. I am also involved with the Waikato Education Forum, a forum representing primary to tertiary level study within the tertiary sector Nationally, I sit on a number of committees/ boards and organizations representing your voice. As WSU President, I sit on the Executive of the NZ Union of Students’ Association (NZUSA) where I have a say in the strategic direction of national tertiary policy. I have also been elected onto the National Council of Student Job Search, a $70 million organisation in terms of student earnings where decisions are made regarding students and NZ’s economy. I also have a role in University Sport NZ which sees me make decisions regarding tertiary sport in NZ—well

VP SPEAK

Deni Tokunai WSU President

027 5734241 president@wsu.org.nz

known examples being Uni Games/Snow Games.

Independent of my position as WSU President, but no doubt a result of it, I have also been independently appointed to a number of central government agencies concerned with the tertiary sector. These include the Tertiary Education Commission’s Learner’s Advisory Committee (LAC) and Ako Aotearoa’s Pacific People’s Caucus. LAC is particularly high profile and is one step away from the Board of Commissioners.

WITH CHARLIE

Kia ora whanau, if you haven’t already noticed there is a lot of Maori @ Waikato events scheduled over the next couple of weeks. These events cover a wide range of cultural and social interests and are a great opportunity for students to get together for

or student performers as they compete for the top prize of $500.00, and the bragging rights of course. There will also be guest artists, including international performer Ash Puriri, who is a regular on the P&O Cruise, aka ‘The Love Boats. So, there’s a lot going

a bit of R& R before those last assignments, and examinations. This Wednesday is HAKINAKINA down at the university fields (The Dons), so make sure you let your Maori Mentors know if you want to be in a team, or just come down and enjoy some fun with everyone else. Seeya there from 12noon, as everyone takes on the champions Te Ranga Ngaku! Also, on Friday is SMPD WAKA DAY, this is being held on Grantham Street, by the mighty Waikato River. This is also an excellent chance for SMPD students to meet & greet staff, and enjoy the summer weather. It starts at 12noon – 3pm. Don’t forget “Waikato’s Got Talent” on the last day of semester, Friday 14th October at the Gallagher Academy of Performing Arts, from 7-9pm. Come and support your favorite staff

on whanau, make sure you are there – NAU MAI, HAERE MAI. Finally, last week Te Ranga Ngaku and Te Whakahiapo held their AGMs. Here are your new co-chairpersons: • Te Ranga Ngaku: Penengaru Delaney & Hirini Houia • Te Whakahiapo: Weka Nightingale & Tamihana Coxhead

Priscilla Ngatai Interim Vice-President Māori Waikato Students’ Union 027 2065126 vpmaori@wsu.org.nz

13

2012 WSU PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

BLAIR I’m Blair Munro, and I know first-hand how important it is to have people to represent your interests as a student. From advocacy and a voice, to Nexus and sausage sizzles, I believe that the student union is a vital part of both the student culture and the education that you’re at university to receive (even if you’re just trying to get your parents off your back), and I want to do my best to make sure that the student union does its best for you. You should vote for someone who is approachable, someone who is going to fight for your rights, and someone who knows the value of the student union.

You should vote for Blair Munro for WSU President.

Blair is also running for the position of WSU Director.

Vote Sapphire for WSU President, and as a result vote for someone with the skills, experience and knowledge to lead our students’ union in 2012. As a current masters-level management student interested in the governance of not-for-profit organisations, and as someone who has volunteered at numerous WSU events, I believe I am someone who could be a positive force for change within WSU. Furthermore, given that I have worked for both the academic and administrative arms of the university, I also have a large number of networks that I can rely on to help make WSU’s transition to a voluntary environment a success in 2012.

AARON

RICHARD

Hey everyone, my name is Aaron Letcher and I want to be your WSU President in 2012. I’m a Hamiltonian through and through, growing up on a local farm and attending two local high schools.

I am now a third year student studying towards a conjoint Law and Social Sciences degree. I believe strongly in the principles of transparency, accountability and freedom of choice, and I think that the WSU should too. Students need to remember that WSU money is THEIR money and they should have a huge say in how it is spent, improving our campus experience.

Aaron is also running for the position of WSU Director.

14

SAPPHIRE

I am Richard Rhee and I was the Presidential candidate who came as a runner-up for the Presidency and the Vice-President position with the platform of advocacy for student-well being and the rights of students last year.

This year, I wish to stand for student well-being and the rights of students as the candidate for the President.

REPRESENT!

2012 VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES VICE PRESIDENT

SAM TAYLOR

I’m Sam Taylor and I’d love to be your Vice President. A good VP is someone who has experience, ideas and a voice. Someone who collaborates with students, is passionate, organised and works effectively with everyone. I am that person! I want to be your VP because I believe that university is about more than books and booze; it’s also a time to critically engage with social and environmental issues. I want to be VP so WSU can enhance your student experience, expand your learning, and nurture the student culture of Waikato. Make 2012 dreadfully good, vote Sam Taylor.

Affiliations: Greens On Campus, FairTrade Club, Amnesty On Campus

VICE PRESIDENT MAORI

PRISCILLA NGATAI

Ko Ngatokimatawhaorua toku waka Ko Ngati Hine, ko Ngapuhi, ko Ngati Kahungunu toku iwi Ko Motatau toku maunga Ko Hikurangi toku awa Ko Priscilla (Davis) Ngatai toku ingoa Kia ora my name is Priscilla and I am BMS/BA student majoring in strategic management (honors), political science and screen & media studies. This year I have served on at WSU as a director in A semester and Vice-President Maori (interim) in B semester. I am also representing Maori students at university and look forward to another successful year in office. Affiliations: Māori @ Waikato 15

2012 DIRECTOR CANDIDATES MARIE BROWN

I am a second year PhD student running for the position of Director. I have returned to doctoral study after a few years in the workforce, working in local government enforcement and environmental policy. I am an active member of the university community being involved in Greens on Campus, Unicol Womens B, and Amnesty International. I am also a current Trustee of the National Wetland Trust, a member of Sustainable Waikato, Volunteer Support Worker for Refugee Services, and the President of the Waikato Natural History Society. The WSU is set to go through some potentially profound changes over the next couple of years as VSM is bedded-in. To ensure WSU’s ongoing resilience and ability to provide great service to the student body it needs a long term vision and strong effective leadership. I have lots of experience in project management, team work and policy-making and look forward to the opportunity to contribute.

LARISSA SCHUMACHER I have been a student at Waikato University for three years, studying a Bachelor of Arts in English and History.

During this time I have: been class representative for seven papers; been a member of the Waikato University Debating Society, the History Club, of which I was secretary for in 2010, and a member of the Golden Key Society; lived in Student Village for two years, in the first year I was co-president of the EXEC Committee, and in the second year I was employed as a Residential Assistant.

I have a great interest in the students of Waikato University and look forward to

DANIEL FARRELL

WSU needs a group of strong individuals who can come together as a strong group in order to get through Voluntary Student Membership. I strongly believe that the Waikato Students’ Union has every chance to get through this, as long as the right people are elected now. People with experience. People with a strong network. People with a strong link to campus culture. I believe I have all of these. Head to http://goo.gl/uNdVg for details on how I feel I meet these criteria. Vote for a strength in your WSU. Vote Daniel Farrell for Director.

DAVID MAYALL I believe there needs to be greater student representation within the system and I plan to push greater transparency within the Union, for example all financial records will be published on the annual basis for university students to see. I will be pushing for a bar on campus in the new student centre under Bennetts; currently Waikato campus is the only university in New Zealand which does not have a bar on campus. I believe it is important to open a cheap healthy fast food (i.e. Subway) on campus. Oh and the changing of the music that plays outside Momento.

contributing towards future improvements.

Affiliations: Debating Society and History Club

AARON GILGREEN Hi, my name is Aaron Gillgren.

I am applying for the WSU because I believe that becoming a WSU Director is the best way for me to continue giving back to the University. I am currently studying for a conjoint BMS/BA degree majoring in International Management and Political Science and I am a member of the Golden Key Society. In 2010, I worked as a Residential Assistant, and then in 2011 I received the Bryant Residential Tutorship Scholarship. These positions have given me fundamental experience and skills, which I hope to put to good use as a WSU Director.

16

MELISSA TOMU My name is Melissa Tomu, and I am in my 2nd year studying Tourism and Hospitality Management and I am running to be a Director again for 2012. Being a director for 2011 has been a real challenge, meetings, scheduling hours of when we are free to have meetings but it been really good having the opportunity to work in this environment and also meeting with so many new people within different cultures. It will be a new challenge next year, but I’m looking forward to that and will hope to carry on working here at WSU and also meet more new people along the way. So get your pens and start voting.

2012 DIRECTOR CANDIDATES CAMPBELL WEAL

In my third year of a Communications degree, I am looking to possibly take up postgraduate study next year. Ideally, I’d love to be a sports journalist in the future, as this is where my real passion lies. I thoroughly enjoy the part I get to play in Waikato University’s weekly student magazine Nexus, writing Sports Thoughts and other related articles, and I see this magazine as an extremely important part of the Waikato campus. In my spare time, I enjoy playing Cricket and Hockey, and I’m a devout fan of New Zealand’s NRL team The Warriors.

MURRAY RICHES

I’m a 22 year old. Communications student majoring in Public Relations and Social Policy, and approaching my honours year in 2012. I’m a capable, dedicated and hard-working student and community activist, and I would like to have the chance to represent you next year. If you elect me to your board of representatives I will bring passion and energy to the board, and make sure the views of all students are herd and represented. I’m passionate about heaps of stuff, but I’m also good at listening and keen to hear what you guys want from WSU. Affiliations: Greens On Campus, ASKEW and MCSA

ZANE MCCARTHY

MARC GUNDESEN

Hello. My name is Zane McCarthy and I am running for director.

I am choosing to stand because I want to make 2012 a fantastic year for the students of our university.

I want to make sure that student’s rights are protected and that the university experience at Waikato is the best that it can be. Student culture is an integral part of the university and I wish to enhance it further.

I believe I would be an excellent Director of the WSU because I thrive in both team environments and as an individual and am passionate about making a positive difference in all situations. I am outgoing individual with an interest in all aspects of university and would love to be given the opportunity to be a voice for the student body and Waikato uni as a whole.

Affiliations: Greens On Campus

MACAILA PESCUD Hi there. Thank you for taking a second to read this—and then thank you for not having yet parted your eyes from the page in search of better entertainment. I’m Macaila – it’s pronounced Ma-kayla - but you may say it however you wish, so long as you vote for me J I’m working my way through a bachelor of social sciences majoring in Environmental Planning and Japanese. I’m friendly and will represent you well, seriously well.

REGAN JOHNSTON Hi! I’m Regan, and I’m keen as to help direct YOUR student union in 2012! I’m studying a conjoint law and bsocsci degree. So why vote for me?

I’ve already had experience with advocacy! I’ve played class rep for six classes over two years, and with all affected students jumping me to represent their concerns, I’ve gained a decent hold on speaking for people other than myself! I’m fun to approach; sometimes witty; and want to substantively contribute to making university life mean as!

A vote for me is a vote for you and many other catchy tag lines!

Excellent!

Affiliations: Greens On Campus

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2012 DIRECTOR CANDIDATES COURTNEY QUINN I am the best candidate to be a director on the Waikato Student Union Board as I am extremely enthusiastic and determined.

I have a willingness to learn, to contribute, to listen and also to put myself in odd, unique and public situations that most people would feel uncomfortable in.

I have a desire to help others and a passion to make this University well known as the most comfortable, encouraging and fun environment to study in, in all of New Zealand.

I know I can make a difference.

SABRINA VAN SAARLOOS

I don’t have an amazing list of achievements that’ll wow you into voting for me which is a shame seeing as everyone loves to hear people talk about themselves.

However, I usually sit/walk/linger around uni on my own, and I’m never surrounded by a wall of friends or have head phones glued in my ears. Also, being different is awesome; so whether you have green hair or have an idea you want heard that others may think is slightly crazy, it’d be my honour to put it forward. So get involved. VOTE (for me); this vote could make a big difference to how your voice is heard next year. There are around 13,000 students at this Uni...Imagine what we could do if even 10% of us stood up for something? Affiliations: Greens On Campus, FairTrade Club

AMY NINNES Hi, I’m Amy Ninnes. I am running to be a WSU director for 2012.

I feel passionate that we have so many fantastic people of all walks of life on campus, and I think it’s important we celebrate that diversity. I care about equality, the environment and social justice, and am prepared to fight for student’s rights, and for everyone’s voices to be heard. This is a time that we can really unite as students and make a difference, and I want to provide opportunities for students to get involved, and to showcase the talent we have at this university.

HANNAH BUDENBERG Hey everyone, my name is Hannah Budenberg and I would love to be a WSU director for 2012, representing you – the students. I was born in Congo, raised in the UK, and went to high school at a local Hamilton school. I am now a 20 year old, third year student studying a conjoint degree in law and political science. If elected as a WSU director for 2012 I plan to work hard to make sure there is real transparency, accountability, and student culture on campus. Waikato students deserve the best experience possible during their time here.

LANA WEAL Being a fifth year, 21 year old student I know I have the abilities to serve the WSU well. I enjoy learning languages and meeting new people which I made the most of by being an exchange student through Waikato last year in both France and The Netherlands. I love to read and learn, and help other people learn new things too which has helped me in my current job as a tutor for Waikato Management School. I want to use my skills to work with the WSU to help continue to make the University a fun and interesting environment.

18

DANYELL SUMMERS I believe that I will be beneficial to the Waikato Student Union Board of Directors, firstly because I love people and have a passion for this generation. I believe that every person has a purpose and holds a capacity to do great things, and that the key to unlocking this potential is in a culture change. I’m believing for a new culture that speaks positively, installs value and hope into the students of Waikato University, and produces a generation of leaders who vision; value for themselves and others, and a strong sense of identity.

Affiliations: Arise Church

THEINBETWEENERS.COM.AU

FACEBOOK.COM/ROADSHOWFILMS

IN CINEMAS COMING SOON 19

WITH THE COGMISTRESS

Taurus: April 21 – May 21 Don’t make eye contact with the moon. If you do the only thing you’ll ever see again will be visions of your loved ones dying as your eyes bleed black into the night. Don’t wear white either, damsel in distress nighties always mean trouble.

Gemini: May 22 – June 21 If a black cat crosses your path or even if it doesn’t, you will have more than bad luck. The worst luck. Either that or the cat will seek revenge on your species staring with the delicate skin of your eyelids and working its way, well, you know where.

Cancer: June 22 – July 23 You will return home to Afternoon of the Living Dead. Ask yourself, is it really worth going back there as your flatmates feed off each others’ rotting flesh, hungry for fresh meat? Get a team together and board them in to stop a pandemic.

Leo: July 24 – Aug 23 Stick to sunlit spaces, avoid romantic advances and carry a sharpened wooden stake just in case. In emergency pierce heart or see yourself turn as white as them while the blood is drained from your body with a straw. Slurp, slurp.

Virgo: Aug24 – Sep 23 Don’t play with knives. They have minds of their own, they speak to me. They’re conspiring to cut you. Slice and stab until you bleed out, crying for help but only they will hear you, fuelling their sadistic fury. Buy pre-chopped food or die.

Libra: Sep 24 – Oct 23 Lock the doors, cover the windows. Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife.

They’re coming for you and there’s nothing you can do. These are simply precautionary measures to ease your fear. Oh shit, ruined that for you didn’t I. Face it, you’re fucked.

Scorpio: Oct 24 – Nov 22 A murder of crows, an unkindness of ravens, fuck those magpies.

They’re out for your eyeballs. And your jewellery. Remove all piercings (even those we can’t see but I know you have) or have your skin shredded by a thousand tiny torture artists.

Sagittarius: Nov 23 – Dec 21 Avoid board games. Tonight they’re coming to life like jumanji on crack. Your landlord’s playing demon Monopoly and your God’s playing the Game of Life after a bad break up. It’s all up to fate and the hate in the roll of the dice. Snake eyes, everybody loses.

Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 20 What is the price on your soul? You know who is asking. This isn’t a negotiation. The fires are burning like the centre of the sun on heat, beneath magma and anger at your empty existence, calling your name. You’ve already sold it.

Aquarius: Jan 21 – Feb 19 Don’t you know you better run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run. Don’t look over your shoulder, you don’t want to see what it looks like and freeze in fear. Scan your path for obstacles or you risk the Faceplant of Inevitable Doom.

Pisces: Feb 20 – Mar 20 Stay off cruise ships. Heck stay off all water based vessels. There are creatures in the deep and you may have guessed it, they’re rising. To the surface they come, not to eat you but to drink you.

Stay off the toilet or you’ll be sucked through in a shower of blood.

Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 20 They come out while you’re sleeping, crawling out of the woodwork in search of food. Keep your mouth closed and your eyes open. They’re indestructible and want to take over the world.

Carry fly spray and a brave soul, taking on cockroaches is not for the fainthearted.

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In the grim darkness of the future, there is only 8-Ball! There’s nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, not even up stairs! Just because he’s a ball doesn’t mean he can’t find your ass and spank it good! HAIL THE 8-BALL! LONG MAY IT TERRIFY AND PILLAGE THY VILLAGE!

Who will win the WSU elections? Does anybody care?

No. Nobody gives a shit. Not one measly cricket fart. Student apathy is at such an all-time shrug that no one will even bother to re-enrol and the WSU will cease to exist entirely come 2012. The 8 ball is aware that joking about the world ending in 2012 is still incredibly hilarious even after four solid years of it, but will restrain itself in light of our approaching doom. Time to peer into the gnashing jaws of the real world, kids!

Should I buy a Mr.Lee CatCam? Yes. Furious googling reveals this to be an absolutely essential purchase if one is to properly monitor what the fuck their bemogged-one gets up to during the day. Thrill as he drinks rainwater out of a filthy old takeaway container! Boggle at 50 snapshots of the front door, and at 400 extreme close-ups of your own cat-smitten face! What your cat got up to when you weren’t making absurd kissy-faces at it used to be a mystery—those days are long gone, friend. At last, you can take the feline-obsessed part of your personality and abandon all the other bits entirely.

Is being an ABs fan necessary for one to be considered a Kiwi?

Yes. Any immigants attempting to start a new life in New Zealand must have a can of Rexona about their person and a faceful of Weet-Bix at all times, lest they be ejected from the country via cannon.

Why do i feel the need to buy used lottery tickets from 20 years ago?

It is not known.

You are a coward who is comforted by the safety and warmth of the past. What were the hopes, dreams and crippling fears of the original purchaser of these tickets, 20 years ago? Probably something deliciously quaint like “I hope there’s no AIDS around today” or “What a pack of dicks, it’s way too soon to have a 70s-themed party. I’m going to stay home and grunge.”

Why has nexus stopped putting sudoku in their magazine?

It is certain.

Sadly for you, there were only limited amounts of Sudokii in the world, and now they’re all gone, hastily solved by sad old shrews and lonely hearts like yourself. Gladly for the 8 ball, it can now continue to blithely believe that there’s no such thing as the number 9.

AUTEUR HOUSE

TALES FROM TINSLETOWN

WITH DR. RICHARD SWAINSON

WITH JADE CAREY

Who are the great screen couples? No combination of actors in recent times comes readily to mind. Though there’s no shortage of romantic comedies these days - indeed, sometimes it seems like Hollywood

On September 19 Hugh Jackman attended a WWE wrestling match to promote his upcoming new movie, ‘Real Steel’ about a boxer. The movie is set to be released early October. For those of you who haven’t

churns out nothing else but - seldom do studios repackage a rom com team.

seen the trailer it looks like it’s going to be a good one.

In the studio years of the 1930s and 1940s things were different.

Certain pairings were continually repeated. Musicals - by definition romances - particularly lent themselves to this. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers made 10 films together.

The granddaddy of all Hollywood combinations, at least in terms of numbers, were William Powell and Myrna Loy. They co-starred an incredible 13 times. For on screen chemistry Powell & Loy had but two rivals, each one a couple off-screen as well as on. The husband and wife team of Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall made four films together in the 1940s, all of them good. And discreet lovers Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn co-starred nine times between 1942’s “Woman of the Year” and 1967’s “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner”.

The Tracy-Hepburn vehicles are a mixed bag as films. Generally the dramas are fairly minor and/or date badly. “Keeper of the Flame”, for example, recently acquired at Auteur House, is a heavy-handed warning about the dangers of political hero worship and home grown

As a guest of honour Jackman was allowed to hang out in wrestler Zack Ryder’s corner while the match took place. At one point during the fight, Jackman went over to Ryder’s opponent’s corner, Dolph Ziggler, and after they had been seen to exchange a few words Ziggler received a clean punch to the jaw by Jackman. Jackman later admitted that he punched the professional wrestler with all his might. Although he also insisted that he hadn’t actually meant to hit Ziggler with so much force, he had just been trying to make it look believable. He obviously had tried a little too hard because Ziggler later tweeted that Jackman had put a hairline fracture in his jaw.

Jackman told Entertainment Weekly that “Dolph said, ‘Hit me as hard as you can.’ So I hit him pretty hard. And you can see it in my eyes. I watched [the clip] again, and you can see me going ‘Uh oh... I’m acting like, ‘Yeah!’ but I’m really like, ‘Shit, I kinda really clocked him in the jaw.

Jackman explained that it had been scripted that he would go in for the punch. He also said that “Just before we went on, Dolph was

fascism, made before America entered World War II but released after Pearl Harbour. A generation later “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” weighs in on the issue of race relations, treating its po-faced debate on miscegenation as though it was making a meaningful contribution to the civil rights movement.

yelling at me, ‘You hit me man! Just f-ing hit me!’ During rehearsal I said, ‘I’d like to do it, but I’ve spent 20 years pulling punches, trying not to hit. Trying to make it look real, but not really hit.’ He said, ‘There’s no way. There’s cameras everywhere, there’s crowd everywhere, there’s no way we can “whiff it,” as they call it.”’

Whatever the shortcomings of the movies the actors themselves always deliver. Tracy’s graceful, naturalistic performance style and impeccable comic timing blends perfectly with Hepburn’s more mannered Yankee delivery and quivering voice. Comedy was the couple’s forte. “Women of the Year”, “Pat and Mike” and “Desk Set” are all gems and “Adam’s Rib” an out and out masterpiece, American cinema’s most amusing and thoughtful examination of gender politics.

It still stands up today, 62 years later. Tracy plays a District Attorney prosecuting a woman accused of trying to murder her philandering husband; Hepburn is his wife, who elects to represent the defendant in the case. A home movie within the film of the couple frolicking on a country estate could well have come from Tracy’s and Hepburn’s own archive, so personal does it seem.

So Jackman, never one to back down it seems, gave Ziggler a good one. Jackman is not taking Ziggler’s claims of a broken jaw too seriously. He has said that he is convinced that Ziggler may be embellishing the extent of his injury a little bit. Jackman said, “The next day I read he really broke his jaw and I wasn’t surprised – but I don’t think he did, he’s prone to exaggeration – which is why I hit him! Nah, just kidding!”

It sounds like Jackman won’t be giving up his acting career for one in the WWE any time soon.

21

DANIEL FARRELL COMMEMORATIVE

Puzzle Page

Brought to you by Mighty Strong Friends of Nexus; Event Cinemas and Frozen Coke Smugglers

Horror. That’s the theme and I’m going with it. Feeling scared yet? I would be too – exams are coming and I can’t even read! So, make sure you do two things this week. Firstly, look at the title of this page. And secondly, go vote in the WSU elections! This is an important election with VSM on the cards. In fact, by the time this is printed, we will know exactly what is happening with VSM. So, make sure you get out there and put your vote in between Monday and Wednesday this week.

THE BIG BAD wordFIND the wORDS BLACK BLOOD DARKNESS DEATH DRACULA DREAD EVIL FEAR FRANKENSTEIN GHOST GOTHIC HAUNTED HOGSWORTH HORROR MURDER

WHAT TO DO

SPOOKY

(seriously, it’s pretty darn cross)

THRILLER

TERROR

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SUDOKU TIME

AT THE MOVIES WITH DR. RICHARD SWAINSON

JANE EYRE

DIRECTED BY CARY FUKUNAGA

THE GUARD

DIRECTED BY JOHN MICHAEL MCDONAGH

According to IMDB there have been 19 versions of “Jane Eyre” made before the one that I saw last week. Auteur House stocks three of them, including the 1943 film that made Orson Welles suddenly popular as a leading man two years after “Citizen Kane”.

Why make another?

It’s not often that you get to the end of the International Film Festival and still have fond memories of its opening night. A regretful irony of the event is usually that the movie selected to kick things off is mainstream to the point of being no good at all. In an effort to appeal to the widest possible audience the festival often betrays itself.

An answer to this question is found in the new film’s very first frame.

An intriguing shot of a distressed, modestly attired 19th century woman fleeing a large estate gives way to a wordless montage in which she gets lost on the moors. The decision to replace the novel’s linear narrative with a structure that cuts to the story’s chase immediately pays dividends. Mia Wasikowska - an actress hitherto best known for playing Alice in Tim Burton’s overly busy “Alice in Wonderland” - is stunning in the title role, drawing us into the drama.

In 2011 this did not happen. “The Guard”, an idiosyncratic offering from Ireland, was laugh out loud funny. It’s now returned for a run at the Lido, offering the discerning viewer another chance to savour a buddy cop film with a difference.

Wasikowska’s angular, expressive face does not convince as great beauty. This is a good thing. Better to register as rounded character than either outright victim or object of desire. As Jane’s back-story eventually unfolds there’s plenty in it in which she is hard done by and abused yet the strength of both book and film is that she never becomes a conventional damsel-in-distress. The deprivations of childhood - rejected by a nasty aunt after the early death of her parents, Jane is later persecuted at boarding school - strengthen an inner resolve than refuses to indulge self pity.

For some the little time spent on scenes of Jane’s childhood might be a flaw. However, having the centrepiece of the movie Jane’s romance with her eventual employer, Edward Rochester, makes sense. Michael Fassbender is a suitably brooding, enigmatic squire, his manner slowly softening as he falls for the none too obvious charms of the woman engaged as his ward’s governess. The mystery that surrounds Rochester takes a backseat to his relationship to Jane as the pair size one another up, speaking their feelings with reticence and an awareness of the power imbalance at play.

The way in which writer Moira Buffini and director Cary Fukunaga seamlessly segue between past and present demands a certain attention be paid as does the occasional scene in which Jane’s dreamy, subjective obsession with Rochester displaces objective reality. These are not tricks for trick’s sake, rather an effective means of breathing new life into well worn material. Even those who know Rochester’s secrets will be moved.

-RS

Brendon Gleeson makes for a shambolic and earthy leading man.

His Gerry Boyle is a fifty-something Irish copper with his own sense justice. A frequent and liberal user of illicit substances and unashamed whore monger, Boyle runs his isolated coastal patch of the emerald isle with a healthy sense of indifference to the letter of the law. In this he’s at least less consistent than many of his corrupt colleagues. If he isn’t on the graft he certainly knows who number one is.

A local murder upsets the tranquil existence. Boyle’s saddled with new, green-around-the-gills subordinate, forced to liaise with Head Office, and has to assist a visiting FBI agent who is hot on the trail of some international drug dealers. Said agent - a feisty, by-the-book crusader played by the excellent Don Cheadle - has a law enforcement style somewhat at odds with local practice.

While the ethnicity of Cheadle and basic scenario suggest a Gaelic, blackly comedic variation on “In the Heat of the Night”, “The Guard”’s loose structure, at times languid pacing and quirky subplots deliver something a lot more satisfying. Scenes between Boyle and his dying mother have an unexpected poignancy to them, bringing out Gleeson’s softer side. Another beautiful sequence in which he picks up two prostitutes from a train station lyrically celebrates sin in ways reminiscent of that most underappreciated of contemporary classics, Spielberg’s “Catch Me if You Can”.

Perhaps those who like their endings like their characters - black and white - might not warm to “The Guard”’s moral ambiguity. Yet it’s the type of movie where even henchmen are real people, capable of generating laughs and one brave enough to acknowledge Ireland’s IRA past with a joke and not a sermon. Beyond the surface clowning there’s real warmth.

-RS 23

Sam Featherbelly, guitarist for Dick Dynamite and the Doppelgangers, Hamilton’s premier psychobilly 3-piece, spoke to Eliza Jackson about horror and music!

Who are the Doppelgangers?

It’s Dick Dynamite, he plays double bass and sings and he writes quite a lot of the songs; I play guitar and yell sometimes, and then Chubby Chip, aka Chris, plays the drums. We play psychobilly music which is kind of a cross of rockabilly and horror themes.

The imagery in your songs and videos is pretty creepy, what influences that?

It’s the really creepy movies that Ricky watches. Like all these b-grade movies about murder and horror. He watches all those Troma movies.

We figure if there are really trashy horrible disgusting movies why can’t there be really terrible, trashy horrible music. There are b-grade movies - we wanted to be a b-grade band.

Your new video for Deviant is pretty horrific. Where did the concept come from?

Well, it started off we were thinking of ideas for the video for maybe seven months? We won the Band Experiments and then basically the next day we went in and started planning our video. We recorded the song and the start of it kinda sounded like the theme tune of that movie Halloween so we thought, “why not just make it like a slasher?”

So we did. Ricky and Chris moved away, so I had to plan most of it and that’s why we filmed basically in one location. We got lazy in trying to find places and the Black Dog furniture factory out in Matangi was really cool and really creepy anyway. I wasn’t meant to end up killing my own sister but no-one else wanted to be in it.

What do you think of Hamilton music at the moment?

Yeah, I do like the Hamilton music scene. It’s good because there’s so many different bands that just do their own thing and they’re not influenced by and kind of particular scenes of music. There was that whole hardcore scene but now that’s gone and people just do 24

their thing. It’ also cool cause if we were in a bigger city with more of a music scene, we’d be influenced by the other bands and they’d all end up being the same; but because it’s a small scene everyone’s doing their own thing and they’re listening to bands from the other side of the world that they’ve never even seen play before and being influenced by so many different things - especially with the internet, you can be influenced by, like, infinity bands.

So tell us about your new EP, Return of the Doppelgangers, and the new song, They Demand a Sacrifice.

Yeah, the new EP is the first one we didn’t produce ourselves. We got this guy, Dave, from Auckland with Puppy Killer Records, who’s played with bands like Missing Teeth. He did it all for us, so it’s a lot more produced.

Deviant was recorded at York St, so it was pretty well done and set the standard for the rest of it to sound good. It’s a lot different to the album because it’s recorded well. It sounds more polished and more like and actual band. The last album was about six years worth of songwriting so we changed a lot in that time, but with this EP it’s all stuff that’s been recorded in the last six months so it makes a lot more sense- it’s coherent. The album was good, but I’m kinda sick of it already, his one is fresh and cool.

And what’s next for The Doppelgangers?

Well we’re releasing new CD in the next month and we have gigs in Wellington and Hamilton as release gigs and we’re doing a tour with Gin Wigmore which goes from Christchurch up to the North Island.

After that we’re going to Melbourne and releasing the CD there - we’re playing a gig with the guitarist from Mad Sin, who are a German psychobilly band. And then we’re playing a festival called Punkabilly in Melbourne and that’s as far as we’ve got in planning things. Then, maybe, Europe.

Next Hamilton gig EP release party, 23rd Oct, Static, with the Thunderdykes.

Derbytastic!

With Eliza, Queen of Bees

If you were in the Hood St fan zone a couple of weeks back (and you probably were, because everyone was), drinking beer and yelling patriotic things whilst the All Blacks lay the smackdown on

for most of the team to help one of their members, the jammer, to lap the whole pack to score points, while stopping the opposing jammer from doing the same. As a full contact sport it gets pretty gnarly and

Japan, you probably, at some point, ran into the Roller Ghouls. The Hellmilton City Roller Ghouls. They probably gave you a flier about their upcoming home bout and, if you got one of those fliers, you probably should have gone. Because it was totally bad-ass.

the Ghouls have had their fair share of torn ligaments and broken bones. Not that it stops them; Hellmilton skater Anarchy Fetish just got up and kept scoring for the ghouls on a torn knee last Saturday in their bout against the Pirate City Cannon Brawlers. Derby girls are hardcore.

There are few things more terrifying than seeing a bunch of corpse painted, death-mongers on wheels flying in circles at breakneck speeds in a concerted effort to trip, maim, and otherwise incapacitate each other. It’s awe inspiring, it’s roller derby, and it’s the latest greatest thing in sport - taking off in New Zealand almost as fast as a gal can skate. The number of roller derby leagues in NZ has swelled from only seven in 2010 to at least 24 at the moment, with leagues springing up in places like Waihi, Blenheim, Kawerau and Nelson and the home team is growing steadily. Miss Metal Militia started the Hamilton league in 2008 when she came over from Canada and decided the city lacked something. “It was just eight people skating around, they didn’t really know what to do with themselves” explains Miss Crunchbull, skater extraordinaire, “Now there’s 35-40 of us and we almost have enough for two teams”.

“I think it’s a kind of outlet” says Miss Crunchbull. “life can be frustrating and it’s nice to be able to go skating and smash each other up and then tell ‘em you love em and go for a beer. We smash each other to bits but the sport is really full of love”.She describes derby as a supportive sisterhood with women who are teachers, librarians, midwives and students off the track, but transform in to threatening alter egos when they don skates. ‘If you look scary, you’re less likely to get hit hard”. The tactics seem to be paying off for Ghouls. Miss Metal Militia, Boom Shakalaka and Poison Petal are all Hellmilton skaters selected for the NZ team of 17, destined for Toronto and the first ever Roller Derby World Cup.

Roller derby started as a kind of knock-out race in the states in the

Are you tempted yet? For those brave innocents who believe they’re destined for derby greatness, the Hellmilton Roller Ghouls have Fresh Meat intakes on the first Sunday of every month at the Melville skate

1950s. It morphed into a pro-wrestling style cheese-fest in the 80s, which proved to be its decline, until it was revived by a group of skaters in Texas around 2001 as the legit sport it is now. The point is

rink from 1-3pm. Everyone is welcome to rock up, guys too can come learn to skate and train as officials. Be there or be square - Roller Derby: it’s cool.

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Top 10 Unsolved Mysteries 10

Surrey cat From the 1960s on, a mysterious black cat resembling a puma has been seen in and around south western Surrey in England. In 1963 a sighting by a policeman sparked further interest in the subject and one year later an ox was found mutilated by a large creature. Over 300 reports of the black cat were received by the police in one year alone. Speculation and interest dwindled again until another policeman caught the cat on film in the same year as a massive paw print was discovered.

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Kaz II In 2007, the 12-metre catamaran, the Kaz II, was discovered unmanned off the coast of Queensland, northeast Australia. The yacht, which had left harbour on Sunday 15 April, was spotted about 150km off Townsville on the following Wednesday. When boarded on Friday, the engine was running, a laptop was running, the radio and GPS were working and a meal was set to eat, but the three-man crew were not on board. All the sails were up but one was badly shredded, while three life jackets and survival equipment, including an emergency beacon, were found on board.

Investigators recovered a video recording that showed footage taken by the crew shortly before their disappearance. The footage showed nothing abnormal.

8

The Bloop The Bloop is the name given to an ultra-low frequency underwater sound detected by the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration several times during 1997. According to the NOAA, it “rises rapidly in frequency over about one minute and was of sufficient amplitude to be heard on multiple sensors, at a range of over 5,000 km.” According to scientists who have studied the phenomenon it matches the audio profile of a living creature but there is no known animal that could have produced the sound. If the sound did come from an animal, it would reportedly have to be several times the size of the largest known animal on Earth.

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Killer book In 1948 the body of a man was found in Adelaide, Australia. The man was never identified. Police found a suitcase which they believed was but three items had their name tags removed. A small note in a pocket said “taman shud” which is the last line of the book, ‘The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam’. A man seeing the note on TV contacted police to say that the book had appeared in his unlocked car. It was the copy that had had the note removed. In the back of the book were coded markings which have yet to be deciphered. A name in the front of the book led police to a woman who said she had given it to a man named Boxall during WWII. Upon seeing a plaster cast of the dead man she identified him as Boxall. This appeared to solve the mystery of who the man was, until Boxall was later discovered alive with his copy of the book undamaged. The death remains a mystery.

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The Flying Dutchman It was 1641 when Captain Hendrik van der Decken swore he would round the Cape of Good Hope if it took him till doomsday. The captain’s ship, known as The Flying Dutchman, has been seen frequently around the area, a phantom ship often so close the witnesses would say it nearly crashed into theirs, only to see it vanish. Such a sighting was witnessed by future King of England George V in 1881. Later that morning, the sailor who originally spotted the vessel fell to his death. It is always viewed as a bad omen to see the Dutchman.

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A Previous Life In 1930, aged 4, Shanti Deva from Delhi, India, told her parents that she had once lived in a place called Muttra, that she had been a mother of three, who died in childbirth, and that her previous name was Ludgi. Because the girl continually told the story, her parents investigated. It turned out there was a village called Muttra, and that a woman named Ludgi had recently died there. They took Shanti to the village where she began to speak the local dialect and recognized her previous-life husband and children. She even gave twenty four accurate statements matching confirmed facts about Ludgi’s life.

4

James Worson In 1873, a man named James Worson had accepted a challenge to a race from the town of Leamington to the town of Coventry. Two friends, Hammerson Burns and Barham Wise, followed behind in a carriage and they brought along his late 19th century camera. Running down the centre of the track, Worson suddenly appeared to stumble and collapse, yelling out a short scream.

Wise later said, “It was the most ghastly sound ether of us had ever heard.” But as Worson fell over, instead of just falling to the ground as would normally be the case, he completely and totally vanished in mid-fall, before ever hitting the ground. Wise took the pictures to prove it. The track showed proof in the dirt. Worson’s footprints led down the middle of the track, it looked as if he had stumbled, and then they disappeared. A search was called and the bloodhounds used in the search were strangely reluctant to approach the spot where Worson disappeared. He was never seen or heard from again.

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The devil’s Footprints The devil’s footprints were the name given to a phenomenon that occurred in Devon, England in February 1855. After a light snowfall, during the night, a series of hoof-like marks appeared in the snow. These footprints, continued throughout the countryside for a total of over 100 miles, and for the greater part of their course followed straight lines. Houses, rivers, haystacks and other obstacles were travelled straight over, and footprints appeared on the tops of snow-covered roofs and high walls which lay in the footprints’ path, as well as leading up to and exiting various drain pipes smaller than four inches in diameter.

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1

Rain man In 1983 Donnie Decker was visiting his friend’s house when he abruptly went into a trance-like state. Immediately after, the ceiling began to drip water and a mist filled the room. Sometime later, Donnie was at a restaurant when rain started pouring down onto customer’s heads. Years later, due to a petty crime, Donnie was put in jail where he caused chaos when rain started to pour down in his cell. After angry inmates complained, Donnie explained that he could make it rain when he wanted to, and proved his point by dumping rain on the guards. Eventually, he was released from jail but his whereabouts is unknown – as is the cause of the mysterious rain.

SS Ourang Medan In February, 1948, distress calls were picked up near Indonesia, from SS Ourang Medan. The chilling message was, “All officers including captain are dead lying in chartroom and bridge.

Possibly whole crew dead.” This message was followed by Morse code then one final grisly message… “I die.” When the first rescue vessel arrived on the scene, they tried to hail the Ourang Medan but there was no response. A boarding party was sent to the ship and what they found was a frightening sight. All the crew and officers of the Ourang Medan were dead, their eyes open, faces looking towards the sun, arms outstretched and a look of terror on their faces. When nearing the bodies in the boiler room, the rescue crew felt a chill, though the temperature was near 40°C. The decision was made to tow the ship back to port, but before they could get underway, smoke began rolling up from the hull. The rescue crew left the ship and barely had time to cut the tow lines before the Ourang Medan exploded and sank.

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My flatmates seemed to both disappear at this stage as well, hurrying off into the night and not coming back until it was well late. I don’t know if this was purely coincidental or if it was their way of avoiding their fears. Either way, Paul and I were alone with the board.

So, we thought it might be a good idea to hold a seance.

Paul and I sat in my garage, candles lit, a Ouija board in the middle of the table. I was scared just looking at it. I’m not afraid to admit it.

My stomach was churning and my head started to spin.

We didn’t really believe in it and it was just a piece of paper stuck to some cardboard I found in my house. The letters on the page had

The candles I had lined up on the bench of my garage started going out, one at a time, at this stage. No shit - this actually happened.

been printed by a socialist’s printer and Karl Marx says “religion is the opiate of the masses”. It couldn’t have been anymore spiritually neutered if Richard Dawkins had run this baby off.

It’s just ink on paper, but for some reason everyone was a scared of it.

I told Charlie, the WSU VP, about my plans for this feature. He seemed pretty shocked, then begged that we to do it anywhere but the Waikato Students’ Union Building. When I asked him if he believed in it, he said he didn’t want to find out if it was a real thing.

Charlie’s wife has trained for religious service, so this may have played a role in his feelings towards a seance.

Regardless, I wasn’t going to do anything in the building. It is Tainui land for starters, and secondly, I didn’t want to summon any unwelcome presences into the place I spend 9 hours a day. Ghosts aren’t good for productivity, or so my research has lead me to believe.

Several students I spoke to about this asked me “are you sure you want to do this?” One of them said that if I did it, they couldn’t hang around me anymore. They’re a scientist and an atheist to boot.

Finally I decided that, as the Ouija board was printed by borderline communists and I actually don’t believe in ghosts or spirits, then it would have no power. With that in mind, I prepared myself to pull finger and get in touch with someone on the other side.

If a seance produces a result and contact with the spirit world is achieved, then that means, in my mind, that God could be real. If God is real, he sure as shit doesn’t want me goofing off with a seance and an Ouija board, deadline or no. The Old Testament is full of tales of God and his prophets directly instructing people to “not fuck around with the spirit world except through God”. When Samuel appeared to Saul via a seance in the Book of Samuel, Samuel was all: “You dick! God says you’re dead meat!” Sure enough, the next day Saul died in battle with the Amalekites.

I’m not sure I know any Amalekites, but I realised that I didn’t want to test out that theory by pissing off God. Finally Paul said he had to leave, after telling me that I probably shouldn’t do a seance. People with a history of mental illness are apparently very susceptible to demonic intrusions. Good to know.

The seance did not go ahead. Fear put all of us off.

I picked as my seance team David, the graphic designer, Jimmy, the newsboy, and Kate, the newsgirl. Another friend of mine, Paul, was going to act as our spirit guide, as he had done it several times in the past.

A day before we were due to do it, people started getting cagey. My mum told me not to mess with that kind of stuff, but she grew up in the countryside and went to Wintec, so her fears seemed a little backwards. Kate opted out, as did Jimmy. Dave, Paul and I were the only ones who were going to get involved. Then Dave pulled out, chuckling nervously that he had to go and swap some Warhammer parts with a friend. Sure thing bro.

In three days we had gone from five people to two.

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After Paul left, things started getting weird again. I found myself alone in my flat. I had heard from my flatmates that there were footsteps in the house at night, but I figured that they should just lay off the horror movies. Then I heard footsteps. My light dimmed and then brightened again. We hadn’t even done the seance, but weird things were still happening.

At this point, I grabbed my iPod and started cranking Christian music, especially selected to chase away any satanic forces which might be lurking in the house. Nothing says GTFO to demons like the Orange County Supertones.

So, we didn’t actually get around to doing a seance, but it sure was interesting to watch people run for cover when we were planning it.

WORDS OF WISDOM

HATE IT OR LOVE IT

WITH MR MINTY FISH

WITH GUCCI MANE

WARNING: The following contains controversy of all descriptions. If you are easily offended, this is not your jam. Now in keeping with the theme of horror, let me say the scariest thing you will hear all week.

The only thing I love about horror, apart from killing zombies on Black Ops on Cheaper Tues, is Hamilton’s Riff Raff statue on Victoria Street.

Riff Raff is the main character from the famous musical, “The Rocky

“The condom broke. I’m pregnant. You’re the father.”

Horror Show”, written by local Richard O’Brien and he represents the standard of dress required for Shine Nightclub.

Students are hard wired to take relatively serious situations and joke about them. If your mate has a moustache, he is instantly a paedophile. If you look at someone oddly then you’re a rapist; and if your flatmate pisses off to her boyfriend’s house at 11pm you jokingly tell her not to get murdered. The real question is this: how often do we seriously consider the possibility that somewhere, shit might be going down?

We were spinning this yarn in The Empire the other day and realised that we know very little about rapists/murderers/paedophiles (let’s just call them all ‘creepers’). For example, if it’s dark as fuck, you are not likely to stroll through some rapey ass park now are you? So the question is, if you did stroll across that park, what would happen? Do rapists actually just lurk in parks ready to get their rape on? I wonder if they have ‘spots’. Is there some kind of code where “Sure I’ll snatch yo’ people up but THOU SHALL NOT ENTER ANOTHER CREEPERS TERRITORY. Shit’s just impolite”?

Unfortunately even if we don’t know the logistics, we do live in Hamilton (some of you kids even live in York St. Thug Life), so we have to be aware that shit does happen. In this spirit, I would like to give you some self defence tips.

GIRLS: Unless you have been to self defence classes, don’t stand there and evaluate where to hit first. Just go absolutely fucking mental. Before they’ve even touched you I want you to envisage that you are an epileptic break-dancer. I want your eyes to roll back and I want to see arms and legs flying like little retard birds.

This is effective for 2 reasons: -You will look like a crazy bitch. Creeper or not, no guy will optionally hook a crazy; unless, of course, he’s whipped; in which case you’re safe because, well, he’s whipped.

-Have you ever tried to grab a spastic? It’s about as easy as a 40year old virgin.

GUYS: End them.

On a rare serious note, be careful. I love every single one of your faces and if anything happened to an MMF fan I’d be a sad muggle.

P.S. STAY OUT OF RAPEY PARKS. Seriously. What is wrong with you?

When I first saw him I thought he was looking at his watch coincidentally I passed by him one night, realised he wasn’t wearing a watch and that he was probably looking at the insistent guy below him insisting that he do a few rails and go with him to listen to some dubsteps. Well let me just tell you right now that Riff Raff is not a ‘pinger’, and his skirt is tiny so therefore he definitely goes to the Outback.

Now I know some of you think that the statue is a bit extravagant for the wholesome ‘cow-town’ of Hamilton and that it might be a better fit in a city with more alternative people, like say, Wellington, but it’s great that Hamilton is trying to break the mould. Everyone knows the other statue on Victoria Street of the mum, the dad, the cow, the dog etc. Well, Riff Raff represents Hamilton from a different angle in the respect that not every Hamiltonian is a farmer and supports the Chiefs. One point being that Hamilton has a great university and boasts a little more industry than just farming, and two being that most farmers now probably support the Warriors over the Chiefs anyway.

Riff Raff also doesn’t shy away from the limelight. He has got his own personal webcam feed so you can see what he’s up to at any time. He chills most nights but on Saturday he usually hosts a slumber party around his statue base for all the intoxicated night clubbers.

I guess it’s also a good resource for Police Ten 7 so they can have a look online and know that sure enough there’s still some quality footage to be recorded in Hamilton, and let’s be honest, town’s always more exciting when the camera crews are out.

I like to be different so even if I don’t dress like Riff Raff or have ever seen The Rocky Horror Show I still admire the statue for what it stands for. I mean Hamilton will probably always be the cow-town, but at least Riff Raff has meant Hamilton has stepped out of the conservative box a little.

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DIARY OF A RAVER

BOGANOLOGY 101

WITH GIG GIRL

WITH BURTON C. BOGAN

One breezy summer night, an eighteen year old girl named Ashley, was at her best friend’s house drinking. Her and all of friends had been drinking since early that afternoon and all of them were feeling pretty tipsy from sitting in the sun gossiping. Ashley felt pretty happy and content as she sat in the setting sun drinking her wine, lapping up the last of the sun’s rays.

By midnight, Ashley and her friends were all feeling pretty drunk, and they thought that would call a taxi to head to town. Ashley and all of her friends were pretty skint being students, so their goal of the night was to try and get as many free drinks as possible from guys to keep their night going. Ashley had her sights set on trying to find a hot single guy.

The girls were all excited on their ride to town. Ashley was feeling pretty wasted at this point, but was buzzing from the excitement about the night ahead. The taxi arrived outside their favourite club and they all jumped out laughing and giggling, waiting in line to get in. Once they got through the doors they all headed to the dance floor, ready for a night of dancing.

Ashley thought she would head up to the bar and see if she could flirt with one of the guys buying a drink. She noticed a group of guys, a little rowdy, but having fun, so thought she would try her luck.

“Surely one of them will buy me a drink”, she thought to herself. After some batting of eyelashes and a cute smile or two she managed to convince one of the guys to buy her a drink. The rest of the guys in the group thought they would make the most of her presence and a few comments and arse grabs were made. Ashley grabbed her drink not long after and headed back to the dance floor to find her friends.

Ashley suddenly woke. Through the darkness, she could make out the figures of a few guys, standing at the edge of the bed that she was lying on. She felt drowsy, couldn’t see properly and felt an indescribable pain all over. She was unable to make out their faces and it filled her with horror; she had no idea where she was, or who they were. As her eyes started to adjust she realized they were naked; and so was she.

Stay safe in town. Don’t find yourself in a horror story. Stay in a she-wolfpack, guard your cubs, guard your drinks and go home when it’s time to go. You’ll never regret sleeping alone.

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Someone asked me the other day what the difference was between a Bogan and a Metaller. I know what I wanted to say and that was “Nothing”. However, I recognise this isn’t something that everyone agrees with. To start with, associating the term Bogan with Heavy Metal music is something that is distinctly New Zealand. Sure Australians usually associate Hard Rock with Bogans, but not necessarily Heavy Metal.

The other issue is that a lot of Metal fans get insulted when someone calls them a Bogan. They don’t feel that they embody that working class sentiment that Boganism carries with it. Some like to stress the intellectual side of the music, the technical ability required to play and in some cases listen to Metal, and stress their individualism while dressed entirely in black just like every other Bogan.

While still wanting to be accepted as an academic and I like to think I have a little intelligence, I also like the idea of embracing whole heartedly a culture that accepts, and even celebrates, those rougher, hard case characters. They may not promote showering, or even shaving, and they might not understand words that are three syllables, but they’ll give you a beer and discuss the finer points of Metallica till the cows come home. I like my “flaws” being appreciated and celebrated, personal hygiene be damned. I also like my aesthetic tastes in art (i.e. pop culture and Slayer) being recognised, while higher cultural pursuits (i.e. classical music and Monet) can stand to take a little bit of mockery. That’s why I think it’s important to embrace a word like Bogan; it’s a symbol to rally around, like Christian Bale’s Batman – with similar vocal stylings.

Perhaps a part of me is just jealous that other groups have reclaimed words, turning them into a sign of affection. Words like “Queer” or the “N-Bomb”. If Heavy Metal is truly going to promote itself as a minority and proclaim itself as “underground”, I feel that we need a word that reflects that. Metaller seems like a word, at face value, that is relatively free of politics and the lifestyle aspects of liking Heavy Metal. I don’t like that. To me, wherever there are people there is politics and Heavy Metal is a lifestyle. In that sense why not poke a little fun at the establishment and reclaim our trashy roots?

LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY…and Stay Bogan \m/

A FRESH LOOK AT HUMANITY

THE CHAIR LEG OF TRUTH

WITH MERELY HUMAN

WITH CHAIR LEG

Part 1: An Introduction

So who am I? I am the man sitting three rows behind you on the bus. I am the girl who glanced your way as you crossed the road. I am your lover, your least-favourite lecturer. Do I wish to hide behind this mask, seeking protection from your reaction against the hurtful things I am to say? No, indeed. For all the things I am to say arise from a place of compassion, of empathy and understanding, of unconditional love.

None of this is meant to harm. None of this is communicated with a desire to bring about change. It is intended only to stimulate thought, to initiate discussion, to open up fresh perspectives. Come, won’t you explore with me what it means to be human?

Why then the pseudonym? An individual strives for fame and fortune.

For personal glory. Ultimately, for recognition. ‘Look at me! Look at me!’ the individual cries. And in this way humanity fails.

The other week, I was walking to university when I saw a girl sitting in her car on the side of the road, in tears. In the passenger seat was a male, presumably a boyfriend, who was visibly enraged. You could see the anger ripping lines through his face. Whatever the reason, this guy was flipping his lid at this girl (who, if memory serves, is named Michelle), which is not on. Ignoring all the emotional bullshit people play with each other, outward aggression as a weapon against someone you care about is not cool.

I could have stopped it, to tell you the truth. I’m a reasonably big guy, assertive, and I can throw a punch or two. Instead, despite an upbringing that taught me about chivalry, and a childhood watching movies where the hero is supposed to save a damsel in distress, I kept walking. I wasn’t in a hurry. I didn’t have anywhere I needed to be. I had all the time in the world to stop walking, knock on the car window, and tell the guy to pull his head in.

But I didn’t.

A group of dancers freely expressing themselves. All caught up in their own existence, their own desires, their own state of being: of thought and motion. All caught up in themselves.

A shift in perspective. One still moves one’s body, but no longer is oneself the focus of one’s awareness. One’s awareness expands to incorporate the group; to rest warmly and gently upon the whole. And now the question becomes not ‘what can I get out of this situation?’

Not ‘how can this benefit me?’ Not ‘how do I look and how do others perceive me?’ Now the question becomes ‘what can I contribute to this situation?’, ‘how can my presence benefit the group?’, ‘how can I best support and nurture the whole?’

Before we go any further let us introduce some guidelines for this budding relationship. Here’s the deal. Let us each take responsibility for our own internal state. By this I mean, let us not blame our state of emotion on the other, but come to understand it as being a part of who we are in these moments. I will say the things I am drawn to say. How you feel is up to you – is your responsibility. You can say the things you feel drawn to say (merelyhuman@hotmail.co.uk). How I feel is up to me – is my responsibility.

I’m excited. It’s early days yet, but already this relationship shows sure signs of promise.

I watched this girl being verbally abused by someone inches from her face, and I let it slide. It’s an awkward situation to impose yourself on, to take it upon yourself to stop a fight involving someone you half-remember from a couple of years ago. I’m not even sure if there’s a right answer to this, because you can never know the whole story.

It’s all well and good to be a knight in shining armour when a building is on fire, but when all you see is a silent screaming match from the safety of the other side of the window?

There’s common decency towards people, but most of the time, we’re overcome by the fear that our actions (which we perceive as justified) will be seen as self-righteous and presumptuous. This has been hanging over my head for a while now, because I honestly have no idea whether or not walking away was the best thing to do. It’s a small step between a fight in a car and serious emotional scarring.

Especially scarring that could have easily been prevented by a simple intervention.

And yet, I did nothing.

So I’m sorry, Michelle, because I doubt anyone reading this would have done any differently.

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THE HORROR OF HAMILTON WITH LUKE The Lair of the Magic 8-Ball - ??/??/??

This week I invoked ancient rituals and danced with death itself to bring you this exclusive insight into the depths of one of Hamilton’s unholiest locations; the lair of the Mighty Magic 8-Ball itself. I can’t tell you where it was or when it was, because I can remember neither.

But I can recount the horrors I experienced.

It was a clear moon-lit night when I began the incantations. Soon, thunder boomed and lightning flashed through the sky. Then the world went dark, and mystical forces I can’t explain transported me away. When I awoke it was dark, and cold. In the distance I could hear the twisted cries of tormented souls. I knew I had arrived in the 8-Ball’s lair. Gathering myself from the damp earth, I found myself in a cave. Determined to meet the challenge of locating the 8-Ball, I plucked up my courage, and moved towards the terrible sounds. Soon, torchlight flickered, and as I went, I could feel something dripping from the roof. I wanted to believe it was water. In the dim glow though, I could tell it wasn’t. I dared not look up for its source.

Then all of a sudden, it was there. The terrifying, the awesome, Magic 8-Ball. It sat on a podium, a nook in the cave wall, overlooking its domain. Small, unmenacing and unmoving, it sat there, surrounded by candles, blood dripping to the ground below. Incense wafted through the air. Transfixed, I moved slowly towards it, ignoring the mangled corpses at my feet. It had not moved. It had not spoken. Now was my chance. I reached for my trusted camera, and snapped the picture you see on the cover of this magazine.

Then it happened. The 8-Ball grew enormous in size, and released its nefarious tentacles. It towered over me, bearing down on me with its infinite gaze. I fell backwards to the floor. Its voice boomed in a language I did not know, but the 8-Ball projected its meaning into my mind. The gruesome sights I saw shall haunt me till the day I die. I dare not recount them. Trembling in fear, I crawled backwards under the 8-Ball’s glare, before turning and running as fast as I could. I don’t remember how I got back. But I know I am lucky to have escaped. The moral of this story is to think twice before performing ancient rituals with your friends. And of course, BEWARE THE MAGIC 8-BALL! 34

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THE REALM OF INFINITE CHAOS AND COMICS WITH SQUIDDY

PRESENTED BY MARK 1 COMICS AND GAMES 551 VICTORIA ST.

MORNING GLORIES STORY BY NICK SPENCER ART BY JOE EISMA

I was never a big fan of independent comics. Mainly because they were read by people who thought Batman was ironic and Superman was a post-modernist reflective discourse about culture and a yearning to be back in the 1950s.

There are, of course notable, exceptions to my rule. I loved Sin City and Hell Boy before anyone cared and was quick to snap up Scott Pilgrim before a movie was in the works. I will admit to reading Kick Ass only after seeing the movie, but I am glad I did.

Morning Glories could have been one of those comics that I read each week. Hell, it should have been, but it isn’t.

It was sold to me as a “Twin Peaks meets Gossip Girl” and that alone should have been enough to subscribe. It even has all the right elements to make me want to read it; explosions, torture, romance, random plot twists and amazing artwork. Yet, even with all this going for it, I don’t think I’ll be reading volume two.

The set up was like Charles Dance’s short-lived TV series Trinity: The Dandelion Club which I loved. Students excited to start their first day of a boarding school realise that their parents no longer remember they even have kids and the school is intent on keeping them forever. Then things get really twisted when you start adding in the supernatural elements; ghosts, peculiar technology, an unknown evil and the fact that all the kids share a birthday. Throw in an evil headmistress and some trained killers with gas masks and you should have yourself a great series and Kristen Stewart’s next indie film, but I’m not convinced The first few issues introduce you to the lead characters: Casey the blonde blue eyed heroine of the piece; Zoe the vixen who doesn’t care about people; Hunter the kid from a broken home who is the moral cornerstone of the tale and obviously in love with Casey; Jade “the emo of the group”; Ike the sociopath who no one really likes and Jun who knows more than he’s letting on.

As I’m writing this I think I figured out what it was missing: character development. Nick Spencer, who wrote the truly excellent Runaways series before penning this, seems to be playing to archetypes. The bitch, the nice girl, the country boy; the work done by snappy dialogue barely covers the one major problem with this book. I don’t know or care about any of them. I had to look up the characters names on wiki to write this and because of that I am not exactly going to rush out and buy the next one to see what happens next.

If Spencer spent more time letting me connect with these characters I would be hooked but at the moment I’m not.

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KEVIN PRYOR GOES DOWN ON BOOKS

THE COLLAPSE OF GLOBALISM – BY JOHN RALSTON SAUL There’s an election occurring after the World Cup, so I thought I’d better review something political.

‘The Collapse of Globalism,’ by John Ralston Saul is what came to hand. You might wonder, as a FASS student, do I need to read another book about globalisation? Is this not a topic done to death already? Well yes and no. Yes, you’ve probably covered globalisation if you’ve studied politics or history or sociology. But no, in that John Ralston Saul is a particularly perceptive writer.

Saul manages to make a potentially dry subject interesting.

I don’t mean interesting in an explosions and big boobies type way however, but interesting in an I actually give a fuck about the world around me type way. Ralston is a polymath, and his mind sweeps across history, politics and economics to give a comprehensive analysis.

Not surprisingly he comes out as an anti-globalist.

The curious thing is, he wrote the book before the current economic crisis, so if anything it makes

him a seer. Or at least, makes the book as relevant as when it was released. Basically Saul argues that all those policies to attract international capital, like cutting corporate tax, removing tariffs, reducing income tax for higher income earners, are a load of horseshit. Or to put it another way, they haven’t delivered the dividends that their advocates have argued. This is Saul’s other point. That the people who promote these policies do so in an evangelical fashion. It’s like a religious belief, that countries have got no choice in the global economy. You can see how well this has worked out for countries such as Ireland.

Saul is a Canadian but devotes an entire chapter to New Zealand, one of the most enthusiastic embracers of free trade. We are a case study on how these policies haven’t worked. So keep an eye out at this election for Parties who still endorse them. I’ll give you a clue, the main one starts with the letter ‘N’.

CANDICE READS...

TOMORROW WHEN THE WAR BEGAN - BY JOHN MARSDEN I first read this book in high school as part of an English assignment and thought ‘how lame’. It was odd, as I remembered the basic storyline but forgot a lot of the story itself and little details, so reading it for a second time was like reading it for the first time all over again. I love John Marsden’s books especially this one, as he has a way of writing which is engaging and gripping to the readers. Unlike a lot of survival books, I love how the characters go through realistic emotions within a realistic time frame.

The basic storyline for this book is as follows: Ellie and her 6 friends go off to a wild forest that the locals call ‘Hell’. While they are camping for the next few days they see a large mass of planes flying by, but think nothing of it. They return to the township of Wirrawee to find pets dead, phone lines dead, houses empty, no one to be found anywhere. They have realised that their families have never returned from the Commemoration Show held that weekend. The group quickly discover that their small town of Wirrawee is under enemy occupation and prepare to go in hiding, back in Hell.

While they are getting supplies and checking out the show grounds, someone hurts their leg, a lawn mower blows up 3 soldiers, one friend gets shot, and they escape the town in a huge rubbish truck. Once they return to Hell they have three options, stay in hiding, give themselves up, or fight back.

Overall I thoroughly enjoyed reading Tomorrow When the War Began and I would definitely highly recommend it. It is one of those ‘can’t put down books’ as each page you turn becomes more and more compelling. Tomorrow can be potentially frustrating (being written in first person) because of information and storylines you could miss out on, but Marsden found a way to introduce all the information without it having to be in third person. I don’t want to go in to too much detail regarding the storyline as I didn’t want to give away the best parts of the book, so if you want to know more, go read the book!

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