issue 05 2011 by Nexus Magazine

Wednesday

*excluding tui blonde and during quiz only

TEAMS OF 4 - 8 Thursday

EDITORIAL WITH ART A WILD CHARLIE APPEARS! More than anything else, I adore celebrity news. The less I hear about natural disasters, the safer I feel. Ignorance is bliss, I am told, which makes me glad that I live in the time I do. News lets me know whose marriage is dissolving and which child actor has overdosed on which drug. Stuff, one of the most visited websites in New Zealand, let me learn about dramatic changes in the weight and appearance of Sir Peter Jackson as he begins filming the first of two Hobbit films. It truly amazed and informed me to learn that people can lose weight and have longer hair in the space of just one decade. I am now a more intellectually rounded human being for having this knowledge. Next to the story of Peter Jackson’s decadelong overnight transformation were some bits of needless filler about business owners forcing their way through the police cordon in the Christchurch CBD and the first air to air engagements in Libya. Really? They got that high on the front page of Stuff? Someone was obviously asleep at the wheel. A few months earlier, I made my way almost halfway down the page when I was struck a low blow. Smuggled into the front page was a news story about death. It appears Dick Winters, commander of Easy Company in something called World War 2 had passed away in his ninth decade of life. It may have been on the front page of Stuff a few weeks after the actual event, but the result was the same. I wrote in to complain, telling them that such bleak, unhappy news had no place that high up on the page. They informed me that they would pass my complaint on to the correct authorities. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say that there may have even been some kind of in-house mix up with their e-mail system and that my complaint had not managed to make its way through to the right authority, because I’m still seeing news about protests in Egypt, war in Libya and earthquakes in bloody Japan. The same goes for the TV news, just in case you think my beef is with Stuff alone. I was happily enjoying the death of Michael Jackson and the ensuing legal battles surrounding his children and the nefarious doctor who may have killed him, when out of the blue comes serious news. The same goes with the interruption in coverage of the deaths of Patrick Swayze, Dennis Hopper and Farah Fawcett.

tale of two brothers trying to survive in the wilderness, hunted by mustachioed Mexican communists. It’s fucking poetry in motion. If you haven’t seen it, you’re probably going to have your right to vote in our wondrous democracy revoked. And so you bloody should. Playing Patrick Swayze’s younger brother in the BEST WAR MOVIE EVER MADE was a youthful and drug free Charlie Sheen. Now that guy is obviously far more newsworthy than Libyan rebels, leaking reactors and our new governor general, Jerry “I killed a walrus for this Moustache” Mateparae. The fact that I even know we have a new governor general makes me feel ill at ease. Are our modern media sources letting us down? How I long for the day in the not too distant future, when the Waikato Times finally gets the balls to run pages full of royal wedding announcements. I am dying to know who else in the Waikato has the same initials as Kate Middleton! I felt that only having it as front page, without a follow up supplemental, was not allowing for deeper coverage of the topic. How have we managed to keep our planet from exploding, when opportunities such as this are being missed with greater and greater frequency! I am not even sure how our civilization has reached the heights it has, when news media providers have been pummeling us in the face with tales of liberation and conflict. Shouldn’t we all be hiding under rocks, sucking our thumbs? Thank God we have Charlie Sheen around to keep us looking at the bright, cocaine-fuelled side of life. Sure, we might look at these pop stars and has-beens and think “Glad I’m not that person”, but it sure beats the hell out of seeing pictures of haggard Libyan rebels and thinking the same thing. So, I suggest we raise a glass to whichever minor deity created celebrity meltdowns and thank them for keeping our minds off of collapsing cities and obnoxious tectonic plates. I’d rather not be not Charlie Sheen then not be not in Fukushima any day of the week.

Patrick Swayze, for those of you too young to know, was the star of a film called Red Dawn. Hands down the best thing to ever come out of America, Red Dawn told the heartwarming 3

EDITOR: Art Robinson (editor@nexusmag.co.nz) DESIGN: David Nixon (graphics@nexus-npl.co.nz) ADVERTISING: Tony Arkell (admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz)

CREDITS & CONTENTS

Credits:

EDITORIAL

MAGIC 8 BALL

NEWS EDITOR: James Manning (j.mann@windowslive.com) FILM EDITOR: Richard Swainson (films@nexusmag.co.nz) BOOKS EDITOR: Kevin Pryor (books@nexusmag.co.nz) GAMES EDITORS: Sash Nixon (games@nexusmag.co.nz)

Contributors Dirty Old Blair Munro, Shannon Rolfe, Loud American Mackenzie McCarty, Judy’s Sweet Legs, Dr Richard Swainson, Owen “Beef” Hinton”, Honest Matt, Kylie Zinsli, Jess Edmonds-Saunders, Danielle Wall, Mrs. Matthews,

Jade Carey, Josh Cooper, Daniel Farrell, Sam & Zane, Esther Coker, Lauren KB, Mandy Suess-Ryan, Rawinia Judson, Caitlin Hayns, Aaron.Letcher, Kate Cogswell, Monique Hamilton, and Campbell “Ultimate Warrior” Weal.

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). Or at least, we think we are.

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS PUBLICATIONS 2003 LTD, ANY OF OUR ADVERTISERS, THE WSU, APN, THE EDITOR, OR ANYONE. WE THINK THAT THESE LITTLE JOKES

AREN’T READ BY ANYONE BUT US. AND THAT PERVY GUY IN MY BIO LAB.

WANT TO ADVERSTISE WITH NEXUS? EMAIL admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz OR call 07 838 4653

NEXUS IS LOCATED AT: Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamilton PHONE: 07 838 4653 FAX: 07 838 4588 EMAIL: editor@nexusmag.co.nz POSTAL: Private Bag 3059, Hamilton

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NEWS

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INTERVIEW - WINSTON PETERS

TOTAL ROCKSTAR FROM MARS

SPORTS THOUGHTS

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WSU PAGES

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FEATURE - SEX!

PUZZLES

COMICS

FOOD

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COLUMNS AND REVIEWS THE BUSTED PAGE

MAGIC 8-BALL

Waikato General Careers Expo 2011

The dark orb strikes back, thundering through the halls of Valhalla, pursued by its own dark fantasies. Mere mortals move closer into the flickering light of their puny homes at the mention of its name. Dogs walk as men and children speak in tongues as the 8-Ball draws near the veil and breaches it, entering into our plane of existence with murder on its mind. Dare not gaze upon it as it thunders across the blasted wastelands that form about it, lest you lose thy very soul! Screaming across the sky like a big piece of pie, it’s the MAGIC 8-BALL! BOW BEFORE YOUR NEW GOD! Do Insane Clown Posse really hate the guy that operates the Rouge River drawbridge in Delray on Jefferson? Yes That’s how they lost their bassist last year and they haven’t forgiven nor forgotten, rest in peace Paul Grey. Can Blair Munro be improved upon? Answer unclear How do you improve a sunrise? How do you better the delicate curves of the girl that sits in front of you in that class you have on a Wednesday morning? How do you perfect that which is already perfect? I’ll tell you: explosions, laser beams and Bluetooth, but I really don’t know with Blair Munro, I suppose you should ask all the women on and off campus that he’s tried to hit on, but if all else fails laser beam eyes and a jetpack wouldn’t go amiss. Actually if he handed you a muffin before he speaks to you, which would be good too.

Come down to the University of Waikato General Careers Expo to discover what options are available to you on the completion of your studies. It’s a great chance for you to establish relationships and networks with companies in your chosen academic field, and seek some great career advice. DATE: Wednesday 13th April TIME: 10am - 2pm VENUE: Academy of Performing Arts

For more information phone 0800 WAIKATO or visit www.waikato.ac.nz

Is Ken Ring just a scaremongering retard? Answers point to yes His name is Ken Ring as in the die in seven days RING and his first name is Ken: A transparent hollow man that spends his life being tied to a leggy blonde that actually doesn’t care about him. Frankly give him a break, remember he doesn’t have a cock. Is John Campbell just a disaster porn journalist? Reply hazy I didn’t realise John Campbell was a journalist. Are the stories in Sex on Campus true? Perhaps Yes yes they are! They’re just as true as Penthouse forum… You know, I hardly see couples holding hands anymore. I haven’t heard of anyone who’s had sex anywhere else but ‘Stud-Ville’ or to be more precise STD-ville. It’s kind of depressing, we’re at our prime, we’re meant to be humping each other like jack rabbits, but I’ve heard more stories from adult learners in their late 30s about the filth they get up to more than I’ve heard from anyone under 25! There’s something wrong here, or maybe I don’t hide in bushes enough.

NEWS QUAKE VICTIMS WELCOMED AT WAIKATO UNIVERSITY Waikato University students Lauren Prentice and Tegan Summerville don’t know each other, but they share a coincidental connection. Both were in Christchurch at the time of the February 22 earthquake and both were talking about the earlier earthquake when it struck. Twenty-year-old Lauren, from Idaho USA, was talking to her new Canterbury University roommate about the September 4 earthquake and Tegan was commenting to a friend on the fact she hadn’t felt any aftershocks. Both young women, who are now studying at Waikato, say feeling the ground move violently beneath them was incredibly frightening. “It was really quite bizarre because we were talking about the earlier quake and then everything started to shake,” says Lauren. “I got thrown into a door but thankfully I wasn’t hurt and we got out of the building we were in very quickly.” Tegan is 18 and from Hamilton, but planning to study at Canterbury. She had just finished lunch and was walking outside, in the university’s grounds. “We were talking about aftershocks and we heard this huge rumble and then it all happened. I thought someone had pushed me over but we all fell because you just couldn’t stand up.” Tegan and Lauren are two of about 35 Canterbury students who have come to Waikato University as a result of the quake. Tegan is studying to be a primary teacher and Lauren is doing an engineering degree. Both plan to be at Waikato for just one semester.

Welcome to Waikato Lauren and Tegan! Tegan has been particularly impressed by the options Waikato has given her. “People haven’t just said you have to do this and you have to do that. We’ve been given choices and that’s been fantastic,” she says. The university’s Head of Student and Academic Services, Michelle Jordan-Tong, says Waikato is renowned for its pastoral care. “We’ve run an additional orientation for the new students, kept in touch with international agents, picked students up from the airport, found them accommodation for them and even delivered some personally to their classes in the first few days.” Ms Jordan-Tong says all students have been made aware of the counselling services available to them, and some are using them. Staff will stay in touch with the students throughout the coming months, she says.

“Waikato has been super helpful,” says Lauren who adds the whole experience was overwhelming. “I got a lot of support to work out my classes and it was sorted very quickly indeed. And all of the teachers have been really understanding about the whole thing.”

David Bennett MP M P fo r h aMi l t on e a s t

Phone: 07 834 3407 Email: davidbennett@xtra.co.nz www.davidbennett.co.nz

www.national.org.nz 6

About 35 Canterbury students have been relocated to Waikato following the February 22 earthquake that caused extensive damage to their university.

NEWS POTENTIAL CHANGES TO STUDENT LOAN CRITERIA National have refused to rule out changes to the Student Loan criteria in its May 19th budget. The loan criteria are just one of a number of major social initiatives that face either defunding, delays or dramatic changes. While National have remained tight-lipped on what the changes may look like, they have stressed the need for fiscal conservatism in this year’s budget in the wake of both Canterbury disasters.

At the beginning of March Finance Minister Bill English refused to rule out changes to interest free student loans, a position that was walked back by the Prime Minister a day later. The budget has been dubbed the “Mother of all Budgets” by political opposition, a reference to the dramatic budget authored by then finance minister and famous Sarah Palin precursor Ruth Richardson that dramatically changed the social and economic landscape of New Zealand in 1991.

Other programmes that are the subject of speculation include Working for Families, KiwiSaver, the Maori party promoted Whanau Ora programme, Peter Dunne’s Family Commission, the Ministry of Woman’s affairs, and the ACT championed 2025

Reports are suggesting that National will increase spending on education by 600-800 million, which is in line with inflation.

Taskforce to close the income gap with Australia.

initiative to install an earthquake recovery tax on the higher income bracket outside of Christchurch. They also refused to make changes to the proposed business income tax cuts that will come into effect on April 1st. Business tax cuts do make sense, after all the poor and middle class have been living in the lap of luxury dining at fancy fast food restaurants and buying second hand goods from cash converters while our businesses have suffered.

Act leader Rodney Hide said he would be willing to see the taskforce deprioritised and then questioned whether Peter Dunne needed the families commission given it has not done much, a move which is certain not to make him look like a petulant child.

The National Party have also refused to consider a Green Party

FORESHORE LEGISLATION BECOMES LAW By the time you read this, National and the Maori Party will have pushed through new Foreshore legislation that will restore Maori rights to apply for customary title. The legislation has caused upset on both sides of the political spectrum and you have to be a hell of a bill to draw the ire of both ACT and the Greens. A Hikoi attended by around 300 people marched from Te Papa to Parliament last week to protest the passing of the legislation, a dramatically smaller turnout to the 2004 hikoi to protest the original bill. Labour leader Phil Goff said the bill “makes a farce of the democratic process” and that we “should be trying to find common ground.” Mr Goff also stated that John Key should be listening to the 4500 submissions strongly opposed to the bill as it provided a cross section of New Zealanders. Nexus reporters are left to wonder if the real gauge of New Zealand opinion is that over 3.95 million New Zealanders didn’t care enough to write a submission to the select committee. The Greens stated they didn’t support the bill because it discriminated against Maori. Act, who tried to delay the bill a number of times in the house, said the government had ignored all the arguments against the bill and

that it didn’t have popular support (We have asked Nexus News Boy Jimmy Olsen to file that under VSM). We couldn’t reach the Aotearoa Legalise Cannabis Party for comment, but we did ask one of their supporters on campus who pointed out that the new NY Bagel from Mcdonald’s breakfast menu was awesome. 7

SHORT NEWS FOR TALL PEOPLE DIC. DRUNK AND IN COURT? A 49 year old New York resident was jailed for appearing drunk in court where he was scheduled to appear under a drink driving charge. Keith Gruber set off the courts metal detectors after walking through them with a half open can of beer. Mr Gruber appeared to be intoxicated and it was later revealed had a further four cans in his bag. His lawyer was excused and Mr Gruber was remanded. He had previously paid $30,000 bail.

STRIPPER FREE TO A GOOD POLE A Palm City woman has filed a complaint with the local sheriff’s office after discovering that her 15 foot portable stripper pole had been stolen from her residence. The woman suspects her exboyfriend may be the culprit. The Nexus News Department have sent an advisory to the Palm City Sheriff suggesting that he may want to canvas the neighbourhood for any women with toned thighs and clear heels that answer to the name Candy or Desiree and have a bag of dollar bills. We believe we have busted the case wide open.

THE OTHER GREAT WALL United Kingdom: Jamie McCartney, who we can only hope is no relation to Paul McCartney, is preparing to display an exhibition titled “The Great Wall of Vaginas” in the worst YouTube clip ever Mr McCartney displays his 400 plaster vaginas. The “art” was inspired by 400 women in over 20 countries aged 18-76. Mr McCartney said that by publishing the YouTube interview he hoped his ten panel exhibition would go viral. Clearly Mr McCartney has no sense of irony or is blissfully unaware of how many puns a newsroom can make about viral vaginas. Mr McCartney stated “In a way that is what the project is all about...saying look, this is what normal women look like.” This leads us to wonder, if he was having trouble identifying normal women, why not look a little higher?

SERIOUSLY? The UK’s Daily Star ran a story last week that Dictator and Fashion don’t mix. Muammar Gaddafi was holed up in a bunker with an Army of Beautiful Women “who wear Kalashnikov rifles like Gucci fashion accessories.” The women are all said to be virgins who Gaddafi does not have sex with, clearly basing his theory on that of a former Dallas Cowboys coach who believed that by abstaining from sex the week before a game his players would be more aggressive and focussed. The Star also suggests that the Colonel may look to escape to Zimbabwe where he will be offered exile by Mugabe. Here was I thinking I was the only one making shit up.

A WOMAN WHO WOULD BE QUEEN Kate Middleton, the worlds ultimate WAG (take that Posh), will arrive to her nuptials in the Rolls Royce damaged by student protesters on December 10th. The car was famously occupied at the time by Middleton’s future in-laws Charles and what’s her name. Driving the repaired car may be seen as one final “fuck you” to the students who wanted zero fees, failing that she can always ask the guards to leave them leftover wedding cake at the gate.

ARE WAIKATO WOMEN TOO FAT? Sheryl Oliver, the organiser of a Miss Hamilton Beauty Pageant has claimed that many girls today seem to be letting themselves go. Mrs Oliver runs the Pre Teen Princess pageant (8-12 year olds), Miss Teen Hamilton (13-16), and Miss Hamilton (17 and over). Taking our journalistic cues from the Waikato Times we decided to send our news intern out on campus to ask the serious news question “Hey ladies why are you getting fatter?” It has been a week since the intern was spotted if anyone knows anything please email the editor as he is missing some important classes. Nexus would like to make two points very clear: 1. No mention was made of the contestants’ ability to answer seemingly iniquitous questions with over-rehearsed clichéd answers, or their ability to juggle or play the flute. Aren’t these the true measures of a successful beauty pageant contestant and not their looks? 2. We still love you ladies. Tall, short, fat, thin, you’re all Miss Hamilton to us.

Are we flatmates or tenants? Raj and Rahul have taken a flat together but only Raj has signed a tenancy agreement. What is Rahul’s position?

Rahul is a flatmate under the Tenancy law. Flatmates are those who are living in the property but are not part of the tenancy agreement and have no legal protection under the Residential Tenancies Act. Get information about flatmates from the CAB. The Hamilton Area Citizens Advice Bureau provides advice and information from four locations. They are at 55 Victoria St (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm), 70 Kent St Frankton (Mon-Fri 9am-4.30pm), Garden Place (Mon-Fri 11am-2pm) and the Cowshed at the University (Tues-Thurs 1-3pm). They also have legal, advocacy and consumer services available where you can get more specialised help. Phone the CAB on 0800 367 222 (0800 FOR CAB) or look at the CAB website www.cab.org.nz

NEWS FASHION SHOW EVENT MANAGER TO VISIT THE UNIVERSITY OF WAIKATO University of Waikato students are in for a treat with the upcoming visit of Fashion Show Guru Paul Blomfield. Paul is visiting the University to attend a panel evening organised by the Management Communication Students Association (MCSA): a WSU-affiliated club. Paul has had more than 20 years experience in the fashion and creative industry in New Zealand and through his consultancy he has been involved in a range of events including the Armageddon expo, Top Gear Live, the Auckland Home Show and Urbis Designday. Paul was a key player in the ‘New Zealand Four’ shows at London Fashion Week in 1999, where he was Media Liaison and Export Network Manager. Between 1990 and 2001, Paul played similar roles in Australian Fashion Week and was a part of the Air New Zealand Fashion Week. Paul will join fellow panellists Gary Taylor, Business Development Manager for Music, Exhibition, Sports, and Events at the Claudelands Event Centre, and Kylie Nichol, Events Manager for Six Hats and a University of Waikato graduate. All three panellists will be speaking to MCSA about their experiences with public relations, sponsorship, event management and communication.

MCSA President Libby Baron encourages all students to come along to this free event: “This is an exciting opportunity for students to network with someone who has made their mark in the Fashion and PR world and to gain valuable tips and advice about the communications industry”. The event will be held in the Waikato Management School at MSB4.02 at 5.30pm on Thursday 31st of March. Light refreshments will be available after the panel discussion. For more information, contact eab19@students.waikato.ac.nz

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* You must show your current 2011 Student ID * The first 200 purchases on this offer score a $30 CBD Bar voucher * Only redeemable at Texas Radio - Shop 1, Worley Place * Offer valid until 30 April 2011 *Other conditions may apply

Winston’s Back, Baby! Cameron Harper is treasurer of the University of Waikato Debating Society and a DJ on Contact FM. We at Nexus think he’s a champ, a fact we became more convinced of when he told us he was interviewing Winston peter’s on the air and that we could print that interview for those of us who haven’t yet tuned in ContactFM. Winston Peter’s is a rock star in terms of New Zealand politics. Even a few brief words with him can convince you that he has more charisma, more speaking ability and a sharper wit than any other living politician in New Zealand. Mr Peter’s was on campus during Orientation Week as part of what many people are calling his “Comeback Tour”, standing in front of a reasonably receptive crowd in the middle of the Village Green and fielding questions, as well as getting his message across: Winston’s back and he’s not here to f*ck spiders.

CAMERON: You are a man who has been deputy prime minister, treasurer, Minister for Foreign Affairs, Minister for Racing, Minister for Maori Affairs and a former member of the Auckland Maori rugby team. It’s been an illustrious career. What haven’t you done Mr Peters? WINSTON: A lot of things actually, particularly those my enemies accuse me of. I have had an interesting career and am still having one. 10

CAMERON: What’s brought you to our campus? WINSTON: Students have a vote just like everybody else, and that vote is worth the same amount as any other vote. Students need representation. They are a very significant group, not that any other group is less significant, but they are a huge geographically-bound body, here for training and in other universities as well. New Zealand First think they should have a voice, not just on campus but a voice in the political system of this country and that’s why we’re on a campaign around New Zealand. We want to ensure that we have a New Zealand First presence, comprising of a student representing the party of New Zealand First at this campus and other campuses as well.

I’m not advocating you run out and elect a whole lot of lawyers, but a legal background gives you a bit of a head start on how to read legislation and draft it or see what its potential pit falls are. I always thought it was valuable having a legal background. Because of the fact that there is so much about legislation in recent times that has been premature and I think we’ve learnt the hard way in regards to that sort of headstrong approach to drafting legislation. CAMERON: You mentioned earlier you were from a Scots Maori background. What has been the role of the Maori heritage in shaping your life choices? WINSTON: First of all I’m proud of being an New Zealander and I don’t believe in a hyphenated New Zealand.

CAMERON: Tell us a bit about where you were brought up?

I don’t want to hear people saying ‘I’m a Scots-New Zealander’ or ‘I’m a Maori-New

WINSTON: I was brought up right on the coast to the north-east of Whangarei. I’m an East Coaster, with an interesting family background of Scots Maori descent. I’m from a farming family and am one of eleven children. About eight or nine of us got to university and graduated. I got a degree in law.

Zealander’ or ‘Samoan-New Zealander’. I want them to say ‘I’m a New Zealander with a Samoan background or Samoan heritage’.

CAMERON: How did your law training affect your career as a politician? WINSTON: That’s an interesting question. If you look at many of the parliaments around the world there are a high percentage of members with a legal back ground. Take the United States for example, where about 80 percent of the representatives, congressmen and senators have a legal background.

In the end we’re trying to create one country, so I’ve been lucky that my background has shaped me to take the view that we belong to an emerging culture called New Zealand culture. We are never going to get there if we pick multi-culturalism, which is the tax payer funding of every separate culture, excepting our collective own culture. If you look at those countries that have celebrated every single culture in their whole country and made the tax payer pay for it, then the outcome has being lawful disunity a lack of national values of shared

understandings with respect to economic and social progress. Parts of the world are filled with these examples and even though there are many aspects of the United States which we might find distasteful, one of the commendable things about the United States is that they are (whatever their background) united in the belief that they belong to the United States of America.

“Student funding is investment and education is not a hand out. It is a critical to have a capital investment in a commodity which is the most valuable commodity any country can have.”

go back and try it all over again. It failed for Labour, and then it failed for National. Why would it work now? It won’t work but it does have its benefit... if you’ve got a whole lot of rich mates financing your party. CAMERON: As young people we are going to have to live with the environmental future that we are creating. Does New Zealand First have a policy for environmental stability? WINSTON: New Zealand First has always believed in environmental satiability for a number of reasons, one of which is we’ve always had quite a strong Maori influence in our party.

CAMERON: Do you personally put a high value on contribution back into the community; giving people a good start in life and an upbringing? WINSTON: Do I believe in a hand up? Yes I do.

It has always been the indigenous cultures Do I believe in helping the deserving poor? I always have. That is the criteria however: they have to deserve. That is not having got to the circumstances they are in through their own cavalier mistakes. If you promote policy that supports the poor, regardless of personal responsibility, you end up building a cue that’s too long to finance. CAMERON: As a student, do you see tertiary funding as long term investment in NZ? WINSTON: Student funding is investment and education is not a hand out. It is a critical to have a capital investment in a commodity which is the most valuable commodity any country can have. Look at Singapore, which does not have any oil; Singapore has no resources at all. Nor does Taiwan, but both those countries (which are new economies in a modern context) have invested hugely in eductation and have got a massive pay back from it CAMERON: Do you support a universal student allowance? WINSTON: New Zealand First announced it a long, long time ago in our policy manifesto of May 93. From the word go we have argued for a universal student allowance, but we could never persuade enough other members of other parties to go along with it. We’ve never ever had any other view in that regard: there should be a Universal Student Allowance. CAMERON: What is your party line in regard to National’s recent announcement,

essentially saying that they would pass emergency laws to remove working for families tax credits? WINSTON: I’m not going to be wasting much time in the next six months talking about the National party’s failed policies. Now the Christchurch earthquake is being used as an excuse for every and all sort of policy measures which were announced long before the September 1st earthquake or the February earthquake. Now it’s being shifted for political reasons as an excuse. Working for Families is a Labour party idea as a result of the “Rogernomics experiment”, which was started by Labour. To compensate for the fall out and the collapse of family incomes, Douglas introduced Working for Families. Of course, in 2005, Labour massively increased it, so I’m not out to defend failed Rogernomics party policy anymore than a failed National party approach. CAMERON: Speaking of recent, failed National party policies; what do you think of the recent policy of asset sales? WINSTON: They are going back to the policy which they themselves believed, alongside Roger Douglas. What do I think of that? Well, usually when you have a policy that massively fails, you analyse why that is. Mr Key says that ‘he doesn’t want to look backwards’. I don’t know why he doesn’t want to look backwards, because if he does, he will see the pitfalls of the failed plans of the National party in regards to sales in the past. He’s going to

who have because: if you don’t look after your food sources you will die, it’s that simple. New Zealand First has always believed in environmental stability, but based on fact proven science, and not some of the voodooism which I’m hearing today. Our bent is more towards a pollution free society, as opposed to some of the ideas that you see promoted by some parties, internationally and in New Zealand. These are based on a belief that somehow New Zealand corrects the environmental degradation of the world, while our major trading partners do nothing. That’s not going to work. CAMERON: It is of course election year; is there a substantial difference between National and Labour? WINSTON: As sad as it is to say, on a lot of the big issues, there is no difference. Take for example the Reserve Bank Act. The Reserve Bank Act is a “dream time” piece of legislation, because it enables the financiers and the paper shufflers and the paper traders to run our economy. Labour won’t change the legislation. That is the number one reason that I say they are far too similar. Now, they are less similar than they used to be, but on too many of the major things Labour has accepted parts of the right wing orthodoxy in a way that is not accepted in the better economies of Europe and Scandinavia. It is also no accepted in Singapore, or Taiwan, two of the best Asian economies. My answer to you is, sadly, “yes they are, and in being so they’re both wrong”. 11

Charlie Sheen says

“Writers for Nexus are battle tested bayonets!” Nexus has a proud history of righting wrongs and singing songs! Help us march into the Jedi Temple and kill some padawans and we’ll buy you a beer! Donate us a kidney and we’ll let you smell our fingers! The possibilities are endless! We want people to do bar reviews! To write political columns! To worship forgotten gods in the bowels of L-Block! Help Jimmy write news! Write us letters telling us your darkest desires! We want comic strip artists, political satirists and Dutch Rudder enthusiasts!

JOIN OUR LEAGUE OF CONTRIBUTORS AND USE YOUR TIGER BLOOD TO DRIVE BACK THE DARK GODS!

SPORTS THOUGHTS

WITH C-BALL

HIGHLIGHTING MEDIOCRITY WON’T SELL YOUR SPORT I’ve got a problem. It’s not what I’m drinking or how I’m drinking, and I haven’t done the aeroplane move with one of my siblings and sent them crashing and burning headfirst into a bookcase. In the grand scheme of things, my problem is with Sky Television; specifically the fact that they have prime time viewing slots dedicated once again to Netball. I am a sports fan. If you pay for Sky Sports then I’m assuming you are a sports fan also. As sports fans, we want to see real sport. Unfortunately, at the moment Netball really just doesn’t cut it when it comes to sporting entertainment. Now I can’t make Sky change the way they broadcast, but never fear, because I have some very simple solutions that could at least fix Netball, and hopefully make it slightly cooler, if that is even possible. It probably isn’t, but I’ll try anyway. The first problem is advertisements for Netball. They suck. They don’t make you want to watch the sport. If anything they infuriate you. If last year’s ANZ Championship ads pissed you off, this year they must’ve given you a 360 nipple twist and a Chinese burn complete with third degree burns with absolutely brain melting statements like “there aren’t any stuntmen here”. No shit. It isn’t a daring scene in a movie in which someone is going to risk their life to pull off some awesome stunt. It’s throwing a ball back and forth and then sometimes throwing that ball into a hoop, then leaping around

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12 MTH STUDENT MSHIP

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overcome with excitement at actually getting the ball in. Of course there aren’t going to be stuntmen. Did I miss something? Does Netball involve explosions and car chases? No! Change the ad. I don’t like false advertising, and they are making it seem like something really daring is going to happen. It isn’t. The other thing they can fix are the stupid names of the teams competing. I thought a unique characteristic of humans was their creativity. Obviously the person naming the teams had eaten too many laxatives beforehand then shat all their creativity away. Oh no, we are playing the Thunderbirds this week. Well we’ve obviously lost, no one is going to beat the Thunderbirds! As for the Tactix, they spelt “tactics” wrong firstly, and I doubt they actually use any tactics or strategies considering they are dead last in the competition. Consider a name change. Next; the Southern Steel. Yeah, someone decided to name one of the teams after an alloy consisting of iron and carbon. I’m still trying to figure out why, because it couldn’t possibly have been a metaphor for the team being strong or something equally lame. Finally, my personal favourite would have to be the West Coast Fever. I really don’t see where they are going with this one. The team was named after an elevation in body temperature. Sounds scary. What are they feverous with? Are they sick? If so should opposition teams even play against them and risk contracting infection? I don’t think that is a good idea. Why don’t they have some fun when naming the teams, and call them awesome shit like the Ravenous Grizzly Bears or the Killer Whales. I definitely would not want to play against the Killer Whales. Imagine how badly they would stomp an elevation in body temperature. They need some fresh blood making the advertisements and naming the teams of the ANZ Netball Championship. There is a point when ads are just woeful, not unlike the one for that show about the midget who has a pit bull rescue interest and a talent management agency. Business must be booming. Netball advertisements always seem to just slap you in the face with an overabundance of ridiculousness and then, insult your intelligence as if you weren’t annoyed enough. The 2011 one even says that the players aren’t wearing make-up. Thank you for that vital piece of information, because for a minute there I hated Netball as I thought all the players had make-up on. Luckily, I can now enjoy the sport, knowing full well I don’t have to look at 7 layers of foundation applied with a paintbrush.

buy

reccentre.co.nz 07 838 4177 13

PREZ SEZ The Christchurch earthquakes have helped unveil a hidden gem within New Zealand society. Long neglected, and in some cases, despised by society—and quite often associated with inaccurate and unpleasant characteristics, the unearthing of the positive contributions and abundant potential of students has been an eye-opener for many observers. It’s been a month now since a 6.3 earthquake tore down the heart of Christchurch, and it didn’t take long for a small idea to become a welcome force in the clean-up of the aftermath. WSU’s equivalent in Christchurch, UCSA (University of Canterbury Students’ Association), took hold of that idea and helped developed it into what has become known around the nation simply as the “Student Army”. And what a difference the “Student Army” has made! Not only have they worked tirelessly cleaning up areas affected by severe liquefaction, they have also helped change the perceptions of many concerning young people.

As President, this has been heartwarming. Yes, students are young; yes, students make mistakes; yes, students push the boundaries— but there is so much more that describes us than an unrealistic two-dimensional box. We are creative, we are passionate, we are ambitious, we question the status quo, and we do want to make a difference. One of my challenges has been to highlight to our university the potential resource they have at their fingertips. I think the traditional structure of academia fails to understand that tertiary education is a two way conversation. Indeed, the best lecturers are those that recognize that learners can add value to the

and good luck for those of you who have a few late nights ahead! This time of year is almost the time when quite a few graduate positions start closing for would-be employees next year. If you’re in your final year, it might be time to brush up on your CV and start seeing what’s available. One thing I’ve found out after my time at Waikato is that many students don’t realise that the University has a careers service available (and presumably funded from your student service levy) to provide advice and support for students who are looking for fulltime work. They even have a website: http://www.waikato.ac.nz/sasd/careers/ is the place to go if you are interested. This is

Deni Tokunai President Waikato Students’ Union 027 5734241 president@wsu.org.nz

learning environment, and appropriately accommodate for this. Last week, I was on my way from Dunedin CBD to the airport and I had this exact conversation with my taxi driver. His name was Barry. Barry told me that he had been driving taxis in Dunedin for thirty years and had transported his fair share of students during this time–many of who were drunk. He said that in all that time he understood

VP SPEAK Isn’t it fast how time flies? When you read this, it will now be week five, making it almost half way through Semester A. No doubt you all have bucket-loads of assignments falling due around now: well done to all of you who are managing to keep track of the workload,

STUDENTS BUCK THE STEREOTYPE – BIG TIME

one thing about us: students just want to have fun. That’s true. But we also want to be recognised as being simply more than a “one size fits all” segment of the population. We are the future of NZ, so take some time to understand us.

WITH CHARLIE

a great place to go if you sit down to write your CV or cover letter, and have no idea what to do: there is heaps of information available you on how to write these, as well as information on how to prepare for interviews, so do go and check it out. The Careers Service also runs a number of careers exhibitions, writes a monthly newsletter about upcoming jobs (which you can email subscribe to), and organises employer presentations. In fact, if you didn’t know already, there is a general careers expo on campus on Wednesday April 13th from 10am-2pm in the Academy of Performing Arts. Even if you aren’t in your final year, it’s probably a good idea to go along and check out what opportunities might be available for you next year! If you want more information, then email the Careers Service at careers@waikato.ac.nz. Any comments on the Careers Service here at Waikato, or on something else you’d like

Charlie Gillard Vice-President Waikato Students’ Union 027 4670276 vp@wsu.org.nz

to see me discuss? Email me at the address above, and in the meantime, good luck with all those assignments, and with all those job applications! 15

WSU SERVICE SPOTLIGHT:

EVENTS

It’s time to showcase that most interesting, exciting, loud, energetic and overall amazing department of the Waikato Students’ Union: Events. This is the department that runs the majority of the events facilitated by the WSU, from community events that are keen to get on campus, portfolio events run by directors, and key events such as O Week, B Semester Fiesta, Wicked Wednesdays and more. Events Manager, Bronwyn Porter, heads a team of assistants, other staff members, and volunteers, depending on how busy she is!

sometimes some lovely staff) at our events that you can talk to about these things, and are always happy to hear your opinions. Some events we either run or help out with that you might not know about are: • Uni Games • Kingitanga Day • Noho Marae • International Language week • Te Wiki o Te Reo Māori • Culture Day • O Week • B Semester Fiesta

Given that the biggest event of the year run by the WSU is O Week, we have heaps of helpers and volunteers running around the office and campus during that time. This event is always crazy awesome, and the highlight of the year for ourselves and our students. As well as all the other events they do, the team spend the most amount of time planning this event, to make it bigger and better every year. The events team have all the information and contacts to put together all kinds of events, big or small, and keep all of us awesome students entertained as much as possible – because we might work hard, but we play even harder!

If that wasn’t enough to keep them on their toes, the events team also run a million other events, but a recurring one you will see every week on the Village Green is Wicked Wednesday. Here at the WSU we understand that sometimes you forget your lunch, or lunch is lower on the agenda than beers for Thursday night, so we provide a free feed at 1pm. Sausages, nachos, pizza – all staple student dietary requirements, and all available week by week courtesy of the WSU. We’ll also have some fun games, or special events, where you can win some awesome prizes, such as bar tabs, t-shirts and food vouchers.

Events are a very important part of the WSU, because it gives us the chance to talk to you guys, and find out if you are happy with the way we are doing things, and to make sure you are all aware of the help and services

One thing the events team is always keen to get their hands on (in a nice way) is VOLUNTEERS. We may have the brains, but without the man power, nothing could be done. Volunteers don’t have to be a specific

generous lot, and you may well find yourself hooked up with free t-shirts, access to events, and maybe a couple of beers at the Volunteer party. For any more information about volunteers, to sign up, or if you have a wicked

we can provide if you need them. You will always find a few directors (and

type of person, we love everyone who helps out here! Vollies could be taking tickets at big events, making sure no one nicks off with the tent during the night, cutting onions, turning sausages, or handing out free stuff to students, as well as heaps more. Our vollies are unpaid, but the events team are a

idea for an event we just can’t do without anymore, email our lovely Events Manager Bronwyn at events@wsu.org.nz, who will be happy to help you out.

See you Wednesday!

SAVING OF THE WEEK: VEHICLE INSURANCE – PART II

Welcome to the second edition of our new Student Saving of the Week page. If you missed last’s week edition, this is the page where we outline an expense item that could save you money. It might be something expensive, like vehicle insurance (such as this week), or it might be something a bit more down-to-earth like where you can get the cheapest fish ‘n’ chips! In any case, flick to this page each week to see where you could be saving money. This week we continued our theme of vehicle insurance but did something

(in most cases) if you cause an accident, you will be covered for any damage to the other

charge an additional excess for under 25-year-old drivers, so we’ve given you

slightly different. Instead of asking for information on that piece of crap first car that you might be buying, we rang up the insurance companies with the scenario that many final-year undergraduates or masters students face: where to get comprehensive insurance on that nice new ‘flash’ car you’ve bought.

people involved (if there are any), plus you will also be covered for damage to your own car, minus any applicable excess that the insurance company has on your policy.

both the base excess, and the total amount you’d pay as an excess if you were under 25. Tower even lets you choose your own base excess (with a higher excess equalling lower premiums), so we’ve shown both a $300 base excess and a $1150 voluntary excess.

In our case, we provided the following profile to the insurance companies: • Suzuki Cultus Crescent • 1998 Sedan • 1.5 L, 4 Door Manual • Valued around $5000 • 22 year-old female driver • No previous comprehensive insurance • No driving convictions or previous insurance claims

This means that if you go out and buy a $6000 car, but don’t have any money left (or perhaps if you bought it on a loan), you will still have the money to replace it if you manage to write it off in some form of accident. Full insurance coverage usually also covers things like windscreen repair (generally one per year) and damage from fire of theft: check with the insurance companies when you ring up for a quote.

We asked the insurance companies for a

Just like last week, the table below shows our results from this information. You can see the premiums (the amount you pay to the insurance company per year), and the excesses (the amount that the insurance

quote for comprehensive insurance, also known as ‘full insurance’. This means that

company deducts in the event of a claim). We found that most insurance companies

Insurer

Contact Details

Annual Premium

Monthly Premium

Base Excess

Total Excess if under 25

AA Ami National Bank State

0800 500 231 0800 100 200 0800 438 668 0800 80 24 24

$505.76 $583.88 $672.26 $609.65

$46.36 $53.53 $54.13

$400 $300 $300 $300

$800 $500 $800 $750

Tower

0800 808 808 0800 808 808

$1621.90 $1218.17

$147.06 $110.46

$300 $1150

Again, as we said last week: the information in the table is just a guide, so don’t trust your life on it! Things might have changed since we rang the insurance companies, or we might have even made a mistake when we copied it down. Similarly, just because one company was the cheapest in our test, doesn’t mean it will come out cheap for you: do your own research and find out which insurer is best for your own circumstances! Check back next week for information on contents insurance for your flat!

Notes

Includes Roadside Rescue and Hire Car Option Tower premiums drop substantially if you have had full insurance in the past

CLUB CORNER: PICTURE LOG UNICOL FOOTBALL CLUB

THE UNICOL FOOTBALL CLUB Do you enjoy a good game of football? Keen to play soccer either competitively or just for fun? Then perhaps the UniCol Football Club might be for you! The UniCol Football club is the University’s soccer team. We play each week and have teams in every division in the Waikato up to the Waikato Federation League. So we’re after a variety of players: whether you’ve been playing for years and years or just want to start playing football for the first time, we’d love to have you! All teams play a game each week. Men play on Saturdays and women play on Sundays. In terms of training, if you play for a competitive team then practices are on Tuesday and Thursday nights on the University fields from 6pm onwards. Social league players only have one training a week, so if you are interested in playing casually then this might be for you: social league practice is on Wednesday. In terms of results, UniCol is currently on a huge promotion spree. We’ve won the Waikato Plate for two years in a row and we knocked out Tauranga Old Blues First Team in the Chatham Cup last year. Our top teams

BIOSOC UPDATE Last week we profiled the Bio Society, who referred to their super awesome T-shirts. Quite a few of you have asked us to print a photo of what the T-shirts and hoodies look like, so to keep you all satisfied: here they are! You can also pop on down to the Biology Office in E.2.20 to see them in person yourself, and perhaps even buy one! For more information, email Carley at carley.sheerin@gmail.com

have also been promoted up a division each year for the last three years. So if this sounds interesting, come and join the UniCol Football Club today. You can even play with prestigiously talented planners such as Lee Warren. Find out more today by emailing Ricky at rma14@students.waikato.ac.nz. Do you want YOUR club featured in Nexus? If so, then email Charlie at vp@wsu.org. nz today. The service is available to all WSU-affiliated clubs, and is basically an opportunity to highlight how awesome your club is to everyone else at uni. Experience tells us that highlighting your club in Nexus definitely gets your members, so email Charlie today: he’ll even write the article for you if you ask nicely!

DIRECTOR INTRO: SARAH HILL

Email: sarah@wsu.org.nz Portfolio: Sustainability on Campus Studying: BSc (Tech) in Animal Behaviour Hi my name is Sarah Hill, This year I’m fortunate enough to be on the WSU, as the Sustainability Officer. That is entirely thanks to the students who voted for me in the last election. I have never been involved in student politics before but after learning about all the things the WSU is involved with, can’t wait to do my part this year.

I am currently in my 4th year of study at Waikato, studying towards a Bachelor of Science and Technology, My major is Animal Behaviour. I have been a class rep for quite a few papers before and I have been on environmental committees, so hopefully with my position on the WSU I can get these messages across to the university and the students. I look forward to meeting as many people as possible who care about sustainability – eventhose who don’t, it’s still an opinion. With my background in science I have decided to take on Science Students as my associate portfolio. With this I hope to get science students more involved in campus

year I can increase the number of students who care about environmental issues. These events will be based around nationally recognised environmental days such as Earth day in April and Diversity day in May. I also hope that I can raise more awareness of the car pooling schemes in Hamilton. Part of my portfolio is student housing, there is a campaign to raise minimum standards of student flats. This year I want to get the Waikato students behind this campaign. So that student rights are not ignored by landlords, asking too much for poor conditions.

life, more science student’s opinions heard and more events that target the sciences.

I’m more than happy to help with any questions, concerns or comments not just sustainability.Come find me for a chat over coffee or beer.

This year I plan to work with sustainably aware groups on campus, and come up with some common goals of the direction we would like to see the university move in 2011. Hopefully by holding events during the

BIOSOC UPDATE The Waikato Table Tennis Association will be staging a Charity Team Exhibition Match at the University of Waikato this coming Wednesday! Many of you will not have seen table tennis played at a top level so please come along, make a donation to the Christchurch Earthquake Fund if you can and enjoy the show. All of the players involved are the top players in Waikato some are also Hillary Scholars and also there are members of the New Zealand Men’s and Women’s Squads. All but one of the players involved have represented New Zealand at some point in time. It will be a great match and there will be surprise spectator involvement! :) So if you’re keen, come along to the ULeisure Centre, Main Basketball Court on Wednesday March 30th from 12-2pm. If you want some more information, then email Mat at pomicide@hotmail.com. Hope to see you there. OPEN: 8.30am-4.30pm PHONE: 07 856 9139 WEB: www.wsu.org.nz

Every year Nexus writes about sex and people pick up the issue and read the dirty stories and the funny observations and so on and so forth. When I told someone what I was writing on, they told me to “Get fucked” and “Come up with something original for a fucking change”.

We figured we could pretty much skip over those students who are from the category of “sexually active but selective enough not to be called a slut”, because you make up the majority of the campus and we figured you know everything there is to know about your own socio-sexual group.

And they’re right. Sex is a stupid fucking thing to write about. We do it every year. Most, if not all of the other student magazines do it as well. Every year we say “Put a condom on and play safe. Use lube. Don’t play with sluts” and every year you guys read it and get messed up in town and wake up with Chlamydia in their eye and gonorrhoea in their pants.

It may be the reason a few of you have come to university. High school was OK for sex, but you lived with your parents and they weren’t exactly keen to see a parade of strange teenagers marching in and out of your bedroom. Also, sex was a scary and new place when you’re sixteen and “everyone” is doing it. You probably rushed out, got drunk and made some mistakes. We don’t blame you, as some of the Nexus staff did just that.

But screw it. We’re doing it. There’s plenty of other stuff in the magazine to read if you don’t like it. So here we go, as we do every year: sex. We have decided to do it differently than normal, not unlike our approach to the religion feature. Instead of sitting back and scrolling through the internet like previous writers have done at Nexus, we got up out of our comfort zone and asked some students to leave their comfort zones too. Everyone likes having sex, or they will one day, but not everyone is keen to talk about it. Luckily we managed to find a student who is married, a student who is keeping all sexual activity for his wife, a lesbian student and a gay male student.

University is used (and quite rightfully so) by a lot of people as a new beginning. You meet new people, you lose touch with all the hicks in your tiny, backward hometown, and you start getting laid. The small rumour mills of rural New Zealand are subsumed in the mega-city we know as Hamilton. Your chances of having access to only one pool of people, in a single social group, are pretty slim in Hamilton. There’s more sex to be had here than ever before. Nexus went and met a mature student, now doing postgraduate work on campus, who we shall call Keri. Keri had what we would call the classic student experience of university.

She went to high school in Hamilton, but came to stay in the Halls, just to get away from her parents. “In high school I pretty much only had one boyfriend, and it lasted for years. He was the first person I ever slept with, and the only person other than the guy I’m now married to.” Keri’s boyfriend was at university in Auckland, while she stayed in College Hall and attended the University of Waikato. “It was pretty crap, we didn’t see each other very often and when we did we’d get into fights. But at the time it seemed a whole lot easier than going through the drama of sleeping with the guys on the floor and trying to avoid them for the next 3 weeks“ “That thing ended at the end of first year it upset me and then I freaked out, because I had no idea about dating. I knew I didn’t want to do the thing where you go out, get drunk, make out with some guy in the Outback, go to bed with the guy, wake up and have a WTF moment. So I didn’t. I ended up going on dates with a few guys that year and most of them seemed pretty shocked that I had no intention of sleeping with them after the first date. Or the second. I only ended up sleeping with one of them, and he’s the guy I’m married to now.”

him on this either. Being abstinent at university, when there are so many expectations on students to get out there and experiment, is both brave and commendable. Richardson is a second year and wants a girlfriend. He had one at high school, but after she went to a different university, their relationship ended in the way most long distance relationships do: slowly and painfully. In response to this heart break, instead of getting out there, getting drunk and making some bad calls, Richardson chucked a little padlock around his precious parts. “I guess a part of my decision was based on fear. Not just fear of STIs, but of heartbreak. It sounds cheesy. Who cares. My life man”, Richardson told me.

After we spoke to Keri, we found a guy we’ll call Richardson. Don’t you feel you’re missing out though? Sex and relationships are always going to a minefield for young people, whether they are students or not. Some students, for religious reasons or not, choose abstinence. We managed to find one, but he refused to give his name before we even asked him if he wanted it in this feature. We weren’t going to push

Richardson thought for a few moments on this. The silence started to get awkward when he blurted out: “Yeah, I do. Sex is everywhere and it’s impossible to avoid. TV, the internet, even going to town. It’s all sexy stuff. People know we’re vulnerable, horny and confused, and they take advantage of us. Then again, three girls on my floor in the halls got STIs, as did a few of my male friends. One of them told me he was pretty sure he’d given Chlamydia to a couple of girls before he even knew he had it”. Richardson is a good looking guy and I was in no doubt that if he got out into the game, he wouldn’t be single for long. “I don’t even want to risk STis, man. I don’t want to have to explain to my next girlfriend that I have had the Clap or the Gonz and that we can’t have kids because all my sperm is dead and powdery. I don’t want to lose a girl because I have herpes and she doesn’t want to participate in that aspect of my life”. I was impressed with Richardson’s stand. He was absolutely right: sex is everywhere. The fact that he made this decision, without any nagging religious reasoning, makes him easily the most mature 20 year old I have ever met. At the forefront of sexuality are people in our age group. When Richardson said 21

that we are “vulnerable, horny and confused”, he displayed the kind of foresight normally reserved for people who have been there, done that and then had pus drip from their genitals. Richardson isn’t about to put his future relationships on the line for a night of cheap thrills, as fun as those thrills are. Good work Richardson. We wish you all the best. Life as a student, trying to be as sexually active as possible, is incredibly tough. That much is common knowledge. Now, imagine that, but this time you’re gay. I went and sat with a few of our awesome students at Askew, the “gay space” on campus. They’re all bright, switched on young people, with a great sense of humour and a cheery outlook on life. Sex is hard though, even for the gays. Being gay is still not easy, even with New Zealand as welcoming of difference as it is. At high school, the immaturity of students can make being openly gay a soul destroying ordeal. University life, however, with the level of freedom and the expectation that students have an open mind, is a far safer experience. When I first met Susan B. Anthony (obviously not her real name) in 2010, she was a shy first year, still slightly cowed by her high school experience. A full twelve months later, her bubbly, effervescent nature has come to the fore. “When people meet me, they often say that I can’t possibly be a lesbian. I do my best to assure them that I am” Susan is a pretty girl, far from what we see in Hollywood films and American TV programming. She doesn’t have a shaved head and chains linking her ears and nose. Susan is perhaps more what people would expect to find in an adult film, falsely labelled as “lesbian porn”, when it’s target is quite clearly and unabashedly male viewers.

“Porn has a ridiculous portrayal of lesbian sex. But”, she says, “so is all porn I guess, gay or straight”. One night, at the now gone Bahama Hut, Susan and a gay friend were approached by the kind of drunk, obnoxious first years we all know and love from our time in town. After making some awkward passes at the pair, and refusing to take no as an answer, Susan informed them of her preference for the fairer sex. It didn’t take long for the standard, unimaginative cat-calls of “dyke” and “lesbo” to be shouted over the din of the club. Susan doesn’t go to student bars anymore. “University is generally far more accepting of my sexuality than high school ever was. The big problem for me, as a gay female, is finding women with the same sexual orientation as me.” Doesn’t the Askew Club make it easy to meet new lesbians though? “Well, I guess it’s ended up like that a few times, but you have to realise that gay women are a minority within a minority. There are more heterosexuals on the Earth than there are gay ones, and more gay men than gay women, and an even smaller number of these are ‘my type’. Askew is about having a safe place on campus where we can bring up concerns and have a network, without having to worry about people yelling things or giving us soul crushing looks”. So where do lesbians meet girls? “I know a few who use NZ Dating, but most people just go out to nightclubs, or meet each other through support works, like Askew, even though that’s not their primary purpose”.

straight people. No one thinks all straight men like rugby, cars and Radio Hauraki, just because that’s how our parent’s generation were conditioned to think. It’s the 21st Century.” UniQ, an annual conference for GLBT university students, opened Gregory’s eyes to just how many gay young people there are in New Zealand, as well as the wide variety of support networks which are organised to step in and go to bat for youths like him. I asked him if there was anything he wanted to get across to the greater university community. “Don’t assume the people around you are thinking the same way as you. There are more gays out there than you think. Gregory Happenstance is a gay man. At 23, he is a second year, and did not come out until after high school. No one at his high school was very out and about with their sexuality. “I have some gay relatives, so I’m a believer in the “gay is genetic” theory”, Gregory told me. I went into this interview expecting to hear tales of bullying, random attacks and constant taunts. Gregory has managed to make his way through life without experiencing the worst aspects of bigotry. “I guess a few of the grocery boys at the supermarket I worked at gave me a bit of a tough time, but I never felt endangered in those situations. The fact that I was on checkouts probably didn’t help though”. Gregory has even hooked up with another man in the Outback, on a busy night, right in the middle of the dance floor. No one hassled him. Despite all the moral outrage that frequently boils from groups such as Family First or Destiny Church, Gregory hasn’t experienced persecution or judgement from religious types. “I feel pretty blessed to have been born when and where I was. How would my life be if I was born fifty years before, in the American South. I don’t even really want to think about it”. “Something that bothers me is the way people like to put gays into boxes. A gay man doesn’t have a lisp, great dress sense or immaculate personal grooming. He isn’t all about anal. He’s not a sexual deviant”. But Gregory, I said, Hollywood has told me this! “I know gay metal heads, gay DJs and more. There no more rhyme or reason to what a gay man is than there is for

Everyone likes to make jokes about gays, but often those jokes are being fed from something ” A common misconception is that gays live in a fantasy world, where everyone has as much sex as they want. Footage, carefully selected and edited by news services, of the Hero Parade is just as much to blame as depictions of homosexuality from the Religious Right™. Now, it is also important to note that New Zealand is very relaxed when it comes to legislation and acceptance in regards to our homosexual citizens. We have decriminalised homosexual activity, we have homosexual officers in our military branches and we have Civil Unions. A Civil Union is a form of pretend marriage, with some of the same legal benefits as heterosexual marriage, but not all of them. “Were I in an accident and the only thing keeping me alive was technology, my civil union partner would have no say on the continuation of my life through artificial means. If my partner was a man and we were married, he would”, Susan told us. Later in the year, Nexus will examine civil unions closer, but now is not the time. So, there it is. Sex. We didn’t talk about STIs, because, after an hour long meeting with staff from the Student Health Centre, we figured that there is an independent feature on that aspect of sex. Stay safe Hamilton.

DANIEL FARRELL COMMEMORATIVE

Puzzle Page

Brought to you by Mighty Strong Friends of Nexus; Event Cinemas and Frozen Coke Smugglers

So, week 5. Next week is the week before the teaching recess. So, obviously, by this point, you’re trying to avoid study in every way possible. Bad idea, kid. But whatever. It’s what you’re probably doing (I know I am) so that’s what we’ll have this week. Ways to avoid study. Oh, and even though Farmville is there, if you play it, you are a douchebag.

THE BIG BAD wordFIND the wORDS FACEBOOK FARMVILLE LISTEN TO CONTACT FM READ NEXUS ROBOT UNICORN ATTACK SLEEP IN TWITTER WATCH TV

WHAT TO DO The Furious Puzzle Page

(seriously, it’s pretty darn cross) Brought to you by the strong mind of Event Cinemas, in both Chartwell and Centreplace flavours! Mmmmm, delicious frozen coke! Be warned, this is the most difficult puzzle page ever!

SUDOKU TIME The Hard One (lol that’s what she said)

The Easy One (lol that’s what she is)

COMICS GALORE RL - BY TOM BEISLY AND DANIEL KEEGAN

Fancy yourself as an artist? Got some sweet comics you want to share? Let us know! Contact us at nexus@waikato.ac.nz 25

NEXUS. FOOD. LOVE. WITH DEE Hi all, Hi everyone. For this week’s Nexus.Food. Love. I wanted to do something different from how the last few weeks. I figure by now you are into the swing of learning new things, and now is a good time to introduce you to a new cooking technique. For some of you, separating eggs is something that you would do without hesitating, but it wasn’t all that long ago that I used to harbor a slight fear about all the things that can go wrong when you are trying to keep the egg yolk and the egg white apart. For one, you can get bits of egg shell in with the egg white. Or the egg yolk might break and get in with the white... okay, so there are really only two things that can go wrong when you are breaking eggs.

Basically, the best thing when learning how to separate eggs is practice, but I have a few hints to help you out. First, work on getting your egg shell to break into two whole pieces. Try and crack it in the middle of the egg, and do the breaking part firmly. Don’t be rough... just let the egg know who is boss. Secondly, keep the yolk in the egg shell while you separate the white away from it. The white will come away from the yolk easier this way. The best way to proceed from here is to gently move the yolk from one half of the shell to the other. This is where the egg becomes the boss, and you need to respect it.

in it. Egg white doesn’t beat properly if there is anything else in it. 2. If you want to try out this recipe, but don’t have a waffle maker, add an extra ¼ of a cup of milk, and make hot cakes instead.

Two final pro tips: 1. If it comes down to a choice between getting egg white in with the yolk, or breaking the yolk into the white, always keep the whites clean. Never get any yolk

CRISPY WAFFLES: Ingredients: 2 eggs 2 teaspoons of sugar ¾ cup of milk ½ cup of water 1 teaspoon of vanilla essence ¼ teaspoon of salt 2 cups of self raising flour 2 tablespoons of cornflour 80 grams of butter 1. Firstly, so some prep work. Separate your eggs so the yellows/yolks are in one bowl and your whites are in a different one. Take a moment now to melt your butter. 2. Mix together the egg yolks and the sugar till it looks kinda bubbly. Then add in your milk, water and vanilla. Mix this all together. 3. Sift your dry ingredients (the salt, flour and cornflour) on top of your other mixture, and then add the melted butter. Stir it until it’s all combined. 4. Whatever you’re going to beat your egg whites with, clean it. And then in a new, clean bowl, beat the egg whites, by themselves, until they are shiny and white. You can tell they are done when you pull the beaters out and the egg white holds its shape. 5. Very gently mix the egg whites into the other mixture. 6. Let the waffle batter sit for at least ten minutes (or cover it and leave it overnight if you want to use the batter later. 7. Use about ½ a cup of batter for each waffle, or however much your waffle cooker will hold. 8. Cook the waffles until they are lightly browned, and have puffed up a little. Eat and enjoy!

A QUICK ONE-TWO: MINING Welcome to a new weekly column, where we take two students from different ends of the political spectrum and get them to comment on something of national importance. Here’s our first one: the mining of New Zealand’s national parks.

LEFT JAB WITH MISS COGSWELL

RIGHT CROSS WITH MR LETCHER

“You look after the things you love.” A simple truth voiced by Greens MP Metiria Turei when the government backed down on the proposed mining of conservation land. We love national parks

Recently the National Party has floated the idea of mining new areas, some of these being National Parks, in order to take advantage of New Zealand’s vast untapped mineral wealth. Despite

because they represent our cultural attitudes towards freedom and natural beauty. Their value isn’t given by people; the idea is that we don’t control them. National parks are about enjoying nature on its own terms.

the fact that National Parks were a very small part of the plan, the idea seemed to strike a nerve with unbathed gypsies everywhere. The idea was placed in the public forum, the public didn’t like the sound of it, and being representatives of the public the National Party let the idea die.

Rodney Hide and his few-and-far-between right wing supporters are looking after the thing that they love. Money. Some are willing to sacrifice our already volatile natural environment for a short term profit. Is it really worth it? We need to show Mother Nature some respect. Take a look around. We’re all going down, man! The planet is so much more powerful than us. We are nothing in the grand scheme of things yet some consider it their right to devastate fragile ecosystems in the exploitation of natural resources. Our wild spaces sell New Zealand as a tourist destination. It is delusional to think that open-cast mines could substitute for our clean, green image. Mines aren’t unique or attractive. Those who agree that open-cast mines are “dramatic and grand” must get off on the sense of power that comes from man’s ability to ruin the environment for nothing more than money. Rodney Hide’s “hundreds of billions” locked in conservation land shows the credibility of any claim to the value of underground minerals. It’s all estimates until they start digging it up. It’s too risky! Even mining companies have said that they’re not interested in Schedule 4 land. The pressure’s not coming from the industry but the politicians. The people who don’t actually know the specifics of mining or the environment! They know how to dig up dirt that wreaks havoc in the lives of many; they’re just trying their skills in other avenues. National rightly abandoned its proposal to open national parks to mining. Too many New Zealanders were willing to stand up and oppose it. John Key is looking after the thing that he loves. Power. It is an election year after all.

It would appear that such a topic is taboo in clean green New Zealand. But let’s face the facts - New Zealand has suffered a large recession laying waste to our economy. Just as we began to recover our second largest city was tragically struck by not one, but TWO huge earthquakes. We need to do something. We were already well on our way to receiving a Standard & Poor’s credit downgrade post recession, and the second large earthquake has almost cemented that. This may see our dollar drop significantly, and interest rates rising. This will hurt everyday New Zealanders if we don’t act. Now I am in no way suggesting that we mine National Parks, and I don’t believe the National Party is either. In reality the minerals they hold are far too hard to access, and the quantity is too small. The small economic gain would not justify the large environmental cost. Mining of other areas, however, may be the answer to our economic woes. New Zealand has large and easy to access deposits of coal and iron ore, and this is what we should be targeting. We only need to glance across the ditch to see how well the Australians have done taking advantage of their natural resources. It makes sense. New Zealand needs to get back on track economically, and exploring avenues like this may be the answer. We need an economic revival and the opening of mines will bring in much needed foreign investment and increase employment opportunities. Don’t pay attention to the radical policy those troll’s at the Act Party are throwing at you. Being on the fringes of New Zealand’s political landscape they are simply trying to float radical ideas that will get press coverage, because for a Party polling as badly as they are any press is good press. They may even appreciate this small acknowledgement.

DIARY OF A RAVER

WITH THE GIRL WHO GOES OUT LOTS

FASHIONISTAS!

WITH LADY HAYNS

Six months ago, I went to my first dance party. As a newbie to the scene, I found myself in awe at what I had been introduced to; Covert Raves, which was held at Altitude Bar and Gravity. At the time, as an anti-social hermit, I had heard a variety of things about dance parties;

This is a new column all about fashion on campus. Somewhere along the way I became qualified to comment on fashion.

that they are full of people on pills and that it’s an environment that I wouldn’t enjoy. However, what I experienced was a night that completely blew me away. This was the night I fell in love with dance parties. This was the night my addiction began.

This city lacks creativity, individuality and inspiration. I’ve come to notice when we see someone rocking their own individual look however out there it may be, we don’t tell them how crazy cool they look (which they do), we don’t even comment to your friend about their outfit, wishing you could pull it off.

Fast forward six months and countless dance parties later; and I am now considered by many to be Hamilton’s ‘socialite’, or ‘raver’. At first I disagreed, but upon thinking further, I realised that these descriptions of me are indeed true. I go to almost all of the dance parties here in Hamilton and am so fervent about them that I also often go to Auckland when big internationals are in NZ. If something is happening, I’m guaranteed to be there. So what is the attraction? Well if you haven’t already experienced a dance party before, I would recommend you do so. I’m hoping that you all went to Soundscape and had the night of your life; as it was Hamilton’s biggest dance party with a sellout crowd of 4,000 people. What these events have over any normal night in town is that there is a culture about them; they give a feeling of oneness with the crowd, uplifting warmth and a welcoming and loving atmosphere. The music pulls the audience in and the whole energy and culture behind it is filled with positive vibes. I know you will say, sure that sounds awesome, but you have to pay to go to these events. Most of the time, yes you do, however not always. What you are paying for, is to see either international DJ’s or a multivenue event and an environment where everyone is there for the music and it’s not just about being drunk, on drugs or picking up. It’s about the music and enjoying yourself. Welcome to my column, where I will give you advice on what events to go to and why; information about the night-life and culture of Hamilton; and just the general goings on in town.

So: fashion. In my opinion, Hamilton is not a great place for fashion.

We mock them. We mock them for being who they are, and let me tell you: the rest of us do not look flash enough to be kicking round insults to the individually dressed. So every week I’m going to be watching all of you, noticing what you wear and then writing about what I saw! Maybe if you look exceptionally flash you could get a picture in the Nexus. So dress up. Since this is the first one I’m just going to let you in on a few things that I don’t want to have to see for the rest of the year. I know this was written about recently by Mr Minty Fish, but I doubt many of you can even remember what you ate for lunch yesterday, so you need to be told again. Stop. Wearing. Leggings. As. Pants. They are not pants. They are not flattering. Most of you do not have the size 6 body capable of wearing them as pants. If in doubt do two things: Look at what you plan to wear with them; does it cover your ass? Yes? Proceed. Do your leggings turn your stomach into a muffin? Yes? Stop, abandon your outfit, buy bigger leggings or join the gym. Lace and other see-through materials. I enjoy lace a lot when it’s used properly. When it’s not I almost want to cry, or abuse the person abusing lace, depending on how I’m feeling. LADIES: use lace and sheer fabrics carefully, it should add sex to your outfit while still being classy, so here’s some tips; don’t wear tired looking pieces – if it’s torn throw it out. Wear something other than just a bra under a sheer top - Stop wearing those tops that have the extra lace bit at the bottom - I remember when they were cool (for a very short amount of time) and that was approximately 8 years ago.

CAFES: LIKE A BOSS

WITH MRS MATTHEWS

Espresso Plus Oranga, Uni Campus. I was introduced to Espresso Plus (formerly O’belo) last year by my gorgeous little uni friend who has skipped off to Wellington to go to Victoria and has made me sad. It was the location for many a coffee date and she even surprise coffee’d me in lectures a few times, so you can understand why I’m sad. Espresso Plus is hands down the best place on campus to get a coffee. I stop there for coffee whenever coffee is needed and, if need be, will trek across campus. The bacon and egg trammezino’s are super good, and my little friend often came to lectures armed with roast vege panini’s that were quickly (and quietly) snaffled. I realise that it is fairly easy to get a good trammezino or Panini, but at least here they are reasonably priced, as is pretty much all of the food and the coffee, unlike some places. It is nice to know that somebody on campus realises they are catering to poor students. The muffins are fantastic and come with free butter. You will understand my excitement later. Last week I was treated to a Moro bar muffin and it was freaking delightful. There are very good reasons why I don’t frequent the other coffee establishments on campus and instead of spending actual money and wasting a whole precious column reviewing each of them, which could be used to review decent places I’ll cover those now. I don’t go to Momento for coffee because they are not the best at customer service, the coffee tastes like burning, and my muffin last week was pretty bland and left clumps of baking powder in my mouth. I don’t go to The Station because I ended up paying $7.50 for a coffee and a cheese scone. This leads me to deduce that I paid around $4 for that scone I don’t expect to have to front another .50c for some butter, even if the scone was good, the coffee was not. Espresso Plus is staffed by nice people, with a tendency to smile rather than scowl, which is always nice, and the guy behind the machine is cheerful and amusing. The space isn’t amazing, but I guess you work with what you can. Winner.

FIRST STEP TO SUCCESS

WITH MONIQUE HAMILTON

So now I have been here approximately 3 weeks and loving it. The ability to be independent and working things out for myself, rather than call 0800 DAD has been great. This week I thought I would talk about my schooling. Last year I was at Manukau Institute of Technology for two years 2009-2010 and from 2002-2007 attended Corran School an allGirls private school in Remuera, Auckland, being in an all-girls school was the best choice my parents could have made for me, they wanted me to get a good education, do well in sports and to be an all rounded well hard working young women, and in the years I attended Corran I did just that. There was no distractions, girls just got on with it and were more worried about upcoming mid-terms than impressing the boy in English class. Now I understand why my parents did it, because they wanted me to have that foundation of learning so that when I did go to University I would feel driven to succeed and be focused and that I was going to do my all out best and not get distracted by the guy next to me.

“So now I have been here approximately 3 weeks and loving it. The ability to be independent and working things out for myself, rather than call 0800 DAD has been great.” That’s what becoming a young adult is all about, you learn to take responsibility of your own learning, as the lecturers will say “University is a choice, you choose to be here” which is true. University is not compulsory it is infact a choice, an expensive choice but one that will hopefully enhance your chances of getting that dream job at the end of 3 years or in some cases 4-6 depending on the degree. Getting a degree in this day and age is the pre requisite for most jobs; they want to know you are qualified and have worked hard so that they know you will work hard for them. So this week work hard and play fair. Stay tuned for next week.

WORDS OF WISDOM

WITH MR MINTY FISH

POST-RAD

WITH BLAIR MUNRO

Basically, there are two types of people in the world; those that like Jersey Shore and those that would rather spoon out their retinas.To the latter I say; and with all due respect; you’re ‘that’ kid aren’t you. You probably don’t drink alcohol because its ‘bad for you’ then smoke

I was dragged away from my comfortable home, stuffed in a car that was going to experience two crashes that weekend, driven for two hours, and made to sit through a performance of Cats.

a pack of cigarettes a day. I’m onto you.

You see, I’ve never considered myself too cultured. I like music, and I like movies, but the last play I saw was A Midnight Summer’s Dream, about 6 years ago. Endeavoring to fix this, a pair of friends took it upon themselves to introduce me to the magic of musical theatre. I am at a total loss when it comes to describe how horrendously bad this idea was.

Here are the top 3 things you think you hate about Jersey Shore: 1- They’re stupid. 2- They have no class. 3- Snooki. To be fair Snooki doesn’t want to eat anything that was killed when it was alive, so I’ll give you the first one. As for number 2: Have you ever actually been to Hamilton town after midnight on a Thursday? Jwoww gets her tits out once or twice but in the least lesbian way possible; her tits are perfection. You get your tits out every time “Take your shirt off” plays in Outback and your tits are pancakes. Boom. Bang. Science. Speaking of kids, Snooki is like, 3 feet tall. If you hate her, you hate children everywhere. You want children to eat knives and go to schools where all they learn is how to hate life as much as you hate them. You hate them that much. I do not care if you saw her on Southpark. Did you also see the statue of the Virgin Mary get her period on South Park? Because I did. It doesn’t mean my mum is my cousin and I’m retarded enough to think that somewhere in the world, there is menstruating concrete. Whether you like it or not, Jersey Shore will infiltrate your life. If you watch it, and genuinely do not like it, I will get out of your goodies and respect that; but if I hear you spinning the yarns on how you hate something you have never seen I will knee you in the genitals. These are the facts. I shall leave you with the essential Jersey slang. DTF: Down to fuck GTL: Gym, Tan, Laundry Grenade: Ugly person Smush: Sex Fist pump: Getting in a physical fight with the beat and punching it squarely in the taco. Go forth and prosper my little guidos and guidettes.

Cats is the worst live performance I can imagine attending. I’m not speaking about any particular iteration of it, and I’m not making slights against any performers who like to sing and dance about Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer. I am simply saying that Andrew Lloyd Webber needs to be publicly castrated. For those of you fortunate enough to have avoided Cats thus far, it turns out that there are a bunch of cats, who spend two hours singing disjointed poetry trying to sell themselves as the one cat who deserves to be reincarnated as, you guessed it, another cat. THAT’S ALL. FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS, YOU SIT AND LISTEN TO T. S. ELIOT POETRY TO CRAPPY BACKING MUSIC. Would it be too much to ask for a little exposition? Could one of the three males trying to be Ziggy Stardust have paused for a second to explain what the fuck was going on? No, because that would mean they’d have to stop singing. The entire thing is little more than a vehicle for interpretive dance, Bowie impersonations, and furries. I want nothing more than to rain fire and fury down upon Webber’s entire life and legacy, because of what he inflicted on the world. Oh, and they finish on a lovely number that reminds you that a cat is not a dog. Well, thank Christ for that, dickbags! I was so close to going home and shooting my dog in the face for not catching mice. I am kidding, by the way. Animal abuse isn’t funny. Unless it’s a person dressed as an animal, in which case it is hilarious. I am unable to express how terrible this play is, other than it will make all other theatre stellar by comparison. That said, I must admit that throwing up the horns during “Memories” made it a little more bearable. 31

OUT AND ABOUT

WITH GEMMA LAIR

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say this: I’m really not bothered if you have an issue with me being gay. It may not have always been that way, as anybody who read my coming out story from last year’s Gay Pride issue may remember, but at this point in time I couldn’t care less. Okay, who wouldn’t want to live in a world where everyone was accepted regardless of gender, race, sexuality, ethnicity or anything that sets them apart from the next person? That would be lovely and the world has made obvious progress in this respect, but we have to remember that if everyone was the same this world would be a pretty boring place. Stereotypes frustrate me. However, I also know that stereotypes exist because there are people out there who do fit the mould of whatever group they fall into. I’m not saying that’s a good thing, just that there’s a reason for those generalisations existing. I was once told that it was absolutely impossible for me to be a lesbian and that I was obviously just using it as an excuse to reject this person. Now I know that’s a bit extreme, but honestly? I had to laugh. However, I think that has more to do with egos being bruised than the issue of stereotyping.

“I think I speak for a lot of people when I say this: I’m really not bothered if you have an issue with me being gay.”

SEX ON CAMPUS

WITH DICK AND FANNY

Welcome back to another Sex on Campus! This week we explore the University Library; a magical place of joy and wonder where quite a few of you have (or at least claim to have) had a fucking great time. Richard and Frances, for instance, told us a story of a quickie in the library toilets. According to Frances, “Richard and I were going for a romantic walk one evening, and took a break on the seats outside Law Block. Richard starting kissing my neck and moving his hands to some very interesting places. One thing led to another, and the next minute we were running into the library and straight into the third floor toilets … at least the loo was accessible for when he’d finished!” Richard’s version was far more simplistic: “Frances and I went for a walk and I got horny, so made her horny, and the next thing I know I’m boning her in the library toilets”. Lovely. After talking to Richard and Frances, we found we had an email from Melanie, who has also had a good time in the library. This story was far more voyeuristic though, with Melanie telling us about a “study session” with her boyfriend, which ended up with her boyfriend’s pants around his ankles, a small Asian girl running away in shock, and an offer of intercourse right there and then in the library stacks themselves. Melanie wrote: Needless to say, I was not keen on getting my bearded clam

I’m not an ‘in-your-face’ gay person. I know very few who actually are. I wouldn’t blame you for being uncomfortable around somebody who was, depending on your reasoning. There are so many factors that contribute to people’s opinions, it could be anything from what their parents believe to what the cool kids at school defined as ‘uncool’. Gay musician Chely Wright spoke on the Ellen DeGeneres show of her own father’s reaction to Ellen’s coming out on her talk show – he changed the channel and said “that’s gross.” As it turns out, he’s been loving and accepting of his daughter ever since Chely herself came out. My point? People can change if they’re forced to think about the issue in a different light. When it’s your own child or a close friend, and not a stranger, you’re more likely to realize that they are in fact the same person. They’re just gay. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

out in the middle of the library, but [boyfriend] used his wiles against me, claiming that he wanted to ram me all over the HR theory I was studying … So yes, I had sex in the library stacks: perhaps you’ve even read the book that he came on? No folks; that was not a milk stain you saw on that page. Despite being slightly grossed out by Melanie’s story, and now being very suspicious of the stain on Dick’s HR book, we had to wonder: why the library? If the stories we hear are indeed true, it seems a bit of a strange place to go for a casual root. Then again, those library stacks are indeed nice hidey-holds of sexual excitement, and explosion. Whether this continues in the new library, with its open windows and bright sunshine which expose all of your sexual flaws, remains to be seen. That’s all for this week. Remember, email your sexy stories to givemetheclap@gmail.com

AUTEUR HOUSE

WITH RICHARD SWAINSON

TALES FROM TINSLETOWN

WITH JADE CAREY

William Shatner turned 80 last week. That’s right; Captain Kirk has entered his ninth decade, fearlessly going where few Canadian hams have gone before. Perhaps the revelation might be less surprising if you knew him first as the senile pervert Denny Crane from “Boston

I haven’t heard the name Wyclef Jean in a while, but there’s plenty of media attention for the hip hop star now, after he was shot in the hand in Haiti recently. The 41-year-old musician has been in Haiti for the past few weeks campaigning for Sweet Micky. He was in Port-

Legal” but for those born either side of the summer of love it’s a bit of a shock. He’s actually older than my mum.

au-Prince on the eve of the country’s presidential runoff vote when the incident occurred. His spokeswoman, Cindy Tanenbaum, says that “Wyclef’s commitment to his native country and to his people is unparalleled. He is therefore undeterred by this incident.” She also released a statement saying that, “I have confirmed from Wyclef that he was immediately taken to the hospital, treated for a minor graze to his hand and released...he is fine.”

There are some who still believe that Shatner isn’t much of an actor. A few misguided fools are hung up on the fact that he cannot actually sing. Students of prose have been known to despair over his literary style (which is, admittedly, a little adjective heavy). All of these things are irrelevant. The world is full of merely good actors, singers and writers yet there is only one Shatner. I can think of no contemporary performer who has so turned weakness into strength, who has made a career out of limitations with such joyful, self-deprecating aplomb. Yes, his acting technique is mannered in the extreme - based, particularly in his “Star Trek” heyday, on a series of pregnant pauses and hesitations – but it’s uniquely his own. If Shatner the actor is primarily an entertainer - albeit one whose discovery of comedy has led to subtle shadings seldom evident in the Kirkian prime - Shatner the musician is an artist. Two albums released 36 years apart are both masterpieces. “A Transformed Man”, nominally recorded to cash in on “Star Trek’s” success, defies easy description. An avant garde project open to easy misinterpretation and outright ridicule, it sees Bill screaming out the lyrics to classics like “Mr Tambourine Man” and “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” as though he’s possessed by the devil or at least a half a ton of cocaine. The world had to wait over three and a half decades for the followup. It was worth it. “Has Been” opens with a magnificent cover of Pulp’s “Common People” but thereafter all tracks are co-written by Shatner and/or inspired by his life and career. Comic, satirical and surprisingly moving, the spoken word pieces reference everything from Bill finding his wife dead in a swimming pool to his estrangement from his daughter to the ironic annoyance of being mistaken for the world’s savior. The strongest song talks about the inevitability of death. Even at 80 Shatner need not worry about that. He’s immortal.

Really? Shot to the hand? Minor graze? Doesn’t make him sound very macho now does it. There were suspicions about what really happened and after the news was released questions soon began circling. Who shot him, have they been captured, why would anyone want to shoot him and why in the hand of all places. Not a very good assassination attempt if that’s what they were aiming to achieve. Is it possible that Wyclef was never shot in the first place and maybe this was all just propaganda to get him some media attention? The details don’t seem to add up, especially after the local police stepped forward and proclaimed that despite his valiant public face, Wyclef had not been shot, but rather, suffered only a minor cut after accidentally coming into contact with broken glass. This story was also confirmed by his attending doctor. So now what shall we believe? That he got shot or that he didn’t? It is possible that this second story was made up purely as a cover story, so that panic did not break loose over there being a shooter at the presidential runoff vote. As far as all the media coverage goes it seems that he was shot in the hand, but where are all the answers to the questions that were raised, so far there are none. So maybe he did get shot and maybe he didn’t, but I’ll leave you to decide what you want to believe on this one.

RNZ 1229

2011 marks 100 years of radio in New Zealand. Create a design for a radio that captures any aspect of New Zealand culture from the last 100 years. The best design will be brought to life by top New Zealand model makers and exhibited at Auckland Art Gallery. Visit SOUNDSLIKEUS.CO.NZ to find out more.

THE REALM OF INFINITE CHAOS AND COMICS WITH SASH NIXON

PRESENTED BY MARK 1 COMICS AND GAMES 551 VICTORIA ST.

SUPERMAN: EARTH ONE - J. MICHAEL STRACZYNSKI & SHANE DAVIS “I am blinded by the light that shines inside every one of you. In that light, one truth emerges: if the word ‘super’ is to be applied to anyone, it should be applied to all of you, to all of mankind. Against that power, against that truth... I’m just a man.” And in a nutshell the very essence of the Superman character is captured. But behind that S shield beats the heart of man who was raised as one of us. Focusing on the man - not the Superman - is Earth One’s greatest strength. When Clark Kent (in his 20s) arrives in Metropolis, his only goal in life is to make enough cash to take care of his widowed mother. As he explores his vast employment opportunities, and forgoes the ‘destiny’ his parents had always dreamed for him, he is forced to make a choice that will change his life forever. A young Superman is nothing new (Smallville, Superboy) but as with Batman’s Year One or Batman Begins, there’s always something satisfying about seeing the legend come together a little differently. The artwork here is noteworthy - crammed with vibrant details, it balances the drama of the old school with the modern setting and sensibility and is just gorgeous to behold panel for panel. But it’s the story that wins the day here; finally here is a Superman story worthy of

the silver screen. We have everything you could want, a modern voice that permeates the dialogue, the re-tweaked mythos for a modern audience, characters with real pathos and (most importantly) a threat worthy of the power of Superman. There’s nothing like seeing the guy throwing a punch that rocks the world of some alien robots. Zack Snyder: take note. I confess I’ve never really bought into the idea that his mum made the costume though – she even comes up with the ‘S’ symbol. I’ve always thought of the costume as inherently Kryptonian. This not only makes sense, but lends much more resonance to the character. Fanboy nitpicks aside, Earth One is a nice modern update of the origin, with a focus on character first and heroics second. There’s plenty of action in the second half, but by focusing on the man behind the tights, we get a real taste of the sacrifice, sense of duty and ultimately the humanity that makes up the greatest hero of all.

MOVIE REVIEWS

NEVER LET ME GO - DIRECTED BY MARK ROMANEK

HALL PASS - DIRECTED BY THE FARRELLY BROTHERS

There’s been criticism from fans of Kazuo Ishiguro’s book “Never Let Me Go” about the way in which it has been adapted to the screen. It’s always tricky replacing first person narration with the requirements of a different medium and screenplay writer Alex Garland - a noted novelist in his own right - retains as much of the protagonist’s subjectivity as he can get away with, leaning heavily on voice over to structure the story. What’s got the literary types

The Farrelly Brothers have waved their magical comical wand yet again with Hall Pass.

up in arms though is that the information on which the book’s twist ending is based is introduced around half an hour into the movie.

This means a week off from marriage.

There’s no way of seriously discussing the film without doing the same in this review. Stop reading now if you use words like ‘spoiler’ regularly in everyday conversation. “Never Let Me Go” is dystopian science fiction with a difference. There’s no fancy special effects or futuristic backdrops. It’s set in twentieth century Britain, but on an alternative time line. Medical advances in the 1950s concerning organ transplants have gone hand in hand in with cloning, pushing life expectancy out to around 100. Hollywood would take such a concept and turn it into an action thriller. The premise is remarkably similar to “The Island”, that box office disappointment of a few years back. By comparison “Never Let Me Go” works well because the science fiction elements become the context for a compelling romantic drama. It’s a love triangle that plays out over a twenty year period between three of the especially bred replicants, creatures whose only future is as organ donors. Carey Mulligan is luminous as the narrator, acting rings around poor Keira Knightley and looking at least twice as good in a sweet, girl-next-door sort of way. Andrew Garfield, last seen as the betrayed best friend in “The Social Network”, plays the object of their affection. Garfield looks a little like the young Tony Perkins, sulkiness co-existing with shyness on his open face. “Never Let Me Go” avoids the obvious. Its no “Logan’s Run” or “Blade Runner” or “Moon”. It’s not about the revolt of the clones rather the inhumanity of their creation. By highlighting emotion above violence or even ethical politics it brings a tragedy that’s a very real possibility into greater relief. In its own quiet way it also asks the big questions, exploring the possibility - and limitations of love giving meaning to life. - Reviewed by Richard Swainson 36

The Farrelly Brothers are same directors who brought you Shallow Hal, Me, Myself & Irene, There’s Something about Mary and Dumb & Dumber. Hall Pass is about two men, Rick (Owen Wilson) and Fred (Jason Sudeikis), who are given hall passes from their wives.

This week is hyped to be the best week of their lives, as they seem to have convinced themselves they could sleep with more woman than Russell Brand. As their wives head out of town, they prepare for, what they think will be, a fast paced sex fest. Instead, it turns out to be something far more interesting. The best bit about the hall pass is that the guys end up treading very lightly through the week, whereas the wives (who weren’t given hall passes) go ahead and have some fun of their own. The Farrelly Brothers hard hitting humour is defiantly present in this film, going from their other films they aren’t scared to cross lines and get a little gross. You’ll find yourself laughing throughout most of this film, especially when they go and play golf. The best joke out of the movie would have to be either the spa scene, or when Fred and Rick make fools of themselves when viewing a friend’s house. The amount of talent in this film was pretty outstanding for starters they had Owen Wilson, Jason Sudeikis and Christina Applegate in lead roles. Then they had Richard Jenkins, Jenna Fischer, Stephen Merchant and Larry Joe Campbell in supporting roles. I liked it how they got Richard Jenkins to play a pimp daddy old man, which made for a laugh since I only really know him from serious roles such as Dear John, The Visitor and Burn After Reading. Nicky Whelan plays the hot girl and is that hot Australian doctor from Scrubs. She doesn’t play a huge part in the film, other than tempting and nearly sexing Owen Wilson’s character. Hall pass will defiantly has some stiff competition this year with The Hangover II, Super Troopers II, Johnny English Reborn and Your Highness, but it should stand up there with 2011’s good comedy’s. - Reviewed by Josh Cooper

KEVIN PRYOR GOES DOWN ON BOOKS SEXUAL PERSONAE - CAMILLE PAGLIA Camille Paglia is my favourite living intellectual. In fact I like her so much, that I have contemplated sending her a nude photograph of myself in a sexually excited state. What’s so great about her? Well she’s part of a rare breed; a high brow academic who actually engages with contemporary pop culture. If you ever watch the special edition of Basic Instinct for example, there’s an introduction by Paglia, celebrating Sharon Stone’s character. She’s also an antifeminist feminist, which is all right by me. She’s a fan of Simone de Beauvoir, but otherwise has spent the last 30 years engaged in slagging matches with

Paglia also contends that patriarchal Western culture emancipates women rather than oppresses them. She agrees with other feminists that Western civilization was created by men largely as a means of controlling nature (and women in particular). Where she differs however, is in arguing that this civilization has been so spectacularly successful in its outcomes, that the by-product has been unprecedented liberty for women. By contrast Eastern culture and religion, while ostensibly offering higher status for the female sex, has been unsuccessful in delivering any practical freedoms.

the likes of Germaine Greer. ‘Sexual Personae’ introduces many of the themes that have drawn the ire of other feminists. Paglia basically spends the book celebrating patriarchal Western culture rather than criticising it. The much maligned ‘male gaze’ that other feminists deride as sexually objectifying women, is championed by Paglia. This gaze Paglia reasons, is the same aesthetic impulse that enables artists to create their works of art.

Paglia basically argues that all those things that feminists hate, like pornography, sexual objectification of women, male violence etc are things that women just have to suck up. Women in turn have to concentrate on developing their own strength, rather than trying to castrate male power. It is masculine energy, or phallic thrust if you will, that has given Western culture its driving energy. Ms Paglia - I’m in love with you.

JUDY READS...

GHOST STORY – PETER STRAUB Ghost Story was first published in 1979 and is the book that cemented Straub as a horror writer. I had read other Straub novels before and picked this one up thinking I knew what to expect, but it was actually far better. The plot is deep and twisty, and if you bring it down to the essentials Ghost Story

If I’m being honest this story is huge. It covers more than 50 years and covers a range of sub-plots as well as the main story of the men being haunted. I have to agree with one particular review I read, they said that they found the individual segments of the book

is a tale of supernatural revenge. At points the horror is very subtle and you don’t quite get the full effect until later when more of the story has been revealed. It is definitely not a gore horror.

better than the whole and that Ghost story was a struggle to finish. It was really hard for me to keep going with this book at some points.

The basic plot goes a little like this: when the old men in the story were young, they accidentally killed a lady. During the process of covering up the death they think she is once again alive, but they decide to forget about it and vow to keep her death a secret so they can go on with their lives. Fifty years later the men still meet once a week to swap ghost stories (while never talking about the unfortunate accident). All four are prosperous and content, until one of the men appears to have died from fright at a party in his home. The remaining men come to admit that they are now being haunted by the woman they killed.

I actually had to put it down for about a week at one stage just so I could wrap my head around everything that had happened to that point. It’s a great story, it really is, but the hugeness was a challenge. Once I’d got my head around the things that had happened it actually creeped me out and gave me nightmares. I’m glad I finished and got the full scope of the story, but I’d probably need to read it twice to really enjoy it and understand what was happening.

PRESENTS

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MORE OF THE WEEK THAT WAS

MARCH 7TH-13TH - AGENDA, FLOW BAR, MONKEY FEATHER

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