The Fear of Letting Go, Savvy Duncan

me that night, it was not fair. We were only 17. “Unfortunately Natalie Mae, it is time to take you home. My mom said I have to be home by eleven tonight” He sighed and grabbed my hand, walking me to his car. “That’s alright kid! We’ve probably adventured ourselves out for the next year” We laughed as he opened the car door for me and I hopped in. He winked at me, walking to the other side of his car to get in. I always called him kid because he always acted like one.

On the drive home, I started to feel uneasy. My chest tightened up and anxiety overcame me, like I was drowning in the lake he pushed me in earlier that day. I started squeezing his hand. “Hey Nat what’s going on, are you okay?” He sounded bemused but I bet he just thought it was another anxiety attack I was having. But, in that moment, I was drowning. “I-I don’t know. It just came over me Shawn, my chest is so tight” I was utterly confused about my emotions for the rest of the drive home, and so was he. When we made it to my driveway, he wrapped his arms around me trying to console me. For a split second I was calm again, my world at ease. “Don’t go” I whispered as he held me. “Sweetheart I have to, my mom wants me back. I wish I could stay but it’s almost 10:40 and I’ve really got to go.” I should have forced him to stay. I should have asked my mom if he could. I should have had him call his mom. For the longest time I have blamed myself. It was not my fault.

So, grudgingly I let him go. I could not have made him do anything different, he made up his mind. He was going to go home. “Be safe. Promise? No drifting or being reckless or absolutely anything like that!

Please, you never know.” I did not know why, but I was so scared of him driving away that night. “Alright, yes ma’am, darling. Relax, okay Nat? I’ll be safe I promise.” He was always so confi dent, like nothing could break him. “Okay. I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s going on with me tonight.” “It’s alright sweetheart, I think it’s cute that you worry about me. I love you Natalie

Mae.” He smiled at me and got in his car. I ran over to his door and opened it back up,

“I love you Shawn Walter, drive safe!” I did not know that would be the last time I ever saw his face, felt his presence. Now I know, I was right to be. “Call me when you get inside okay? I’ll miss your voice.” We always called each other when we drove anywhere. It was our tradition. “Of course, always!” Walking up to my room, I waited for him to pick up as I fl ung myself onto my bed. “Long time no see. I miss you already. It’s pretty slick on the roads, thanks for looking out for me.” “See! I told you. And hey, I miss you more. Are we still on for lunch with your family tomorrow?” Small talk continued. We giggled and I was smiling listening to him talk. Everything was normal, until I heard the noise. I will never forget the sound of his tires squealing, followed by the loudest crunch I have ever heard. It haunts me to this day. Then the silence. The absolute nothingness sticks with me every waking moment. It is ingrained into my brain and my nightmares.

“Shawn? Hello? Is everything okay? Where are you? Shawn?” No answer. “SHAWN? Hello?”

Nothing. I yelled at the phone for what seemed like hours. My mom thought I was overreact20

ing at fi rst, until she decided for herself I was not and called the police. They tracked his car down. “Hello ma’am. Yes, this is the police. Yes, I have information. We need to talk. No ma’am, do not come to the scene. Yes, the young man was hit by a drunk driver. Um, no, ma’am, the boy was killed on impact, ma’am. No I’m sorry, he didn’t make it.” My head spun and I fell to the ground at his words. He is gone. I could not wrap my brain around it. I still cannot. I could not even process crying about it. But at that moment, I knew nothing would ever be the same. I sit here in the grass with a blanket, sobbing. The decision to bring fl owers to his grave and weep over it at this ten year mark was an easy choice, but letting him go was not. It has taken ten years to realize I did everything I could. I have always blamed myself. I wasn’t the driver. It was the tall, slender, brown haired man who made the decision to put lives at risk because he was too intoxicated to drive. That man made it out without a scratch, but my boy was gone. It was that man who took Shawn, not me failing to persuade him to stay. All these years later, sitting here in the grass with his blanket over my shoulders, I know it is not my fault. There is nothing I could have done. I will always miss him, he was everything. I will always love him and he will always be a part of me. I see his bright spirit in everything and I still sob at the thought of him. But now, I can fi nally let him go and I can fi nally stop blaming myself. It has taken ten years.