Putting Down a Knife and Picking Up a Pen

Putting down a knife and picking up a pen

MirandaWyatt The Way She Feels by Courtney Cook, Tin House, 2021.

The Way She Feels is the first book from digital artist Courtney Cook. In this engaging graphic memoir, Cook shares her experiences with mental illness, particularly Borderline Personality Disorder, and how it has affected her life. Although Cook’s research on the disorder is thorough and informative, it is her vulnerability that makes the narrative powerful. Mental health issues can be difficult to talk about, and Cook confesses she is reluctant to disclose her illness to those she meets, fearing they won’t see her in a fair light: “I am always afraid to share that I have Borderline; I wonder if I ever won’t be,” she reveals.

“But when I was diagnosed, I made a promise to myself and the BPD community that I’d try to diminish some of the stigma surrounding my, our, diagnosis.” The Way She Feels sets out to do just that, not only to bring attention to Cook’s own story, but to advocate for others with the same or similar disorders.

The book begins with a list of stats about Cook, such as physical attributes, personality traits, and activities she enjoys.

These are accompanied by a self-portrait of the author holding a stack of books in her arms and offering a friendly smile. From there, the book gradually transitions to an inside look, more like

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B O OK R E V I E W

a diary, as Cook highlights key moments in her childhood and teenage years pertaining to her disorder.

We learn that Cook comes from a Chicago suburb, the type of place one would see in the movies—everything about this town seems perfect. What’s more, Cook has a family who loves and supports her. It seems she has no reason for discontentment, but she can’t seem to shake the feeling of emptiness, like something is missing. As she grows older, she struggles to make friends and find herself. The book is arranged in a seemingly random order, with lists and illustrations thrown between longer narratives. The unpredictability of what comes next successfully mirrors the unpredictability of emotion that comes with her disorder. Over the course of 216 pages, Cook details her life in a treatment center, where everything she did was monitored; her teenage friendships with people who have similar struggles; her Google searches pertaining to her disorder, some of which discourage her; her father’s deteriorating health, attributed to his refusal to visit the doctor, and much more. She explains obsessions with certain things and people, how they came to be, and why she ultimately feels disappointed by people who don’t live up to the idealized version of them she has created.

About halfway through, she includes a list of apology letters to unnamed people in her life, and toward the end, she introduces her therapist, and the medications that have helped her.

Cook’s illustrations, worth their proverbial thousand words, are thoughtfully placed throughout, and offer the reader a clear understanding of her situations and emotions. The majority of them portray her crying, confused, or pensive. They draw the reader further into her private world, acting as foils to the apparently happy image of her at the book’s opening. Perhaps one of the most telling images is on page 80, which depicts Cook’s trip to a nearby farm during her time at the treatment

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facility. An animal smiles from its enclosure while teenage Cook’s hands grasp the bars, as if she’s in a jail cell. The reader is left to ponder who feels more trapped.

An emotional yet skillfully-drawn memoir, The Way She Feels offers a glimpse of hope as the writer triumphs over her struggles. The reader follows Cook through her search to find friendship, love, and understanding, while also overcoming obstacles such as self-harm and suicidal ideations and actions.

By the end, Cook’s life is still far from perfect, but the reader has followed her journey of learning and growth, to the point where it’s nearly impossible not to be proud of her. In a time when mental health is still very much misunderstood and stigmatized, The Way She Feels is an informative and necessary read.