Issue 10 NE Online Magazine

FEATURING SCREEN-CON 2014 GJB Performance Photography SCREAM-CON 2013 Photo Competition Horror Short Story’s Pam Rose Jordan Smith

N.E. ONLINE MAGAZINE IS BACK with the

SCREEN-CON 2014 SPECIAL

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

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Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

We l c o m e N o t e .

NE is BACK. Due to personal issues I h a d t o t a ke a b r e a k f r o m t h i n g s b u t now I am back and ready to bring you the greatest people, the best businesses and all the biggest events happening around the North East.

The first issue back is our SCREENCON special, though please come back i n J u n e fo r o u r n e x t I s s u e a s w e h a v e s o m e g r e a t fe a t u r e s a n d c o m p e t i t i o n s c o m i n g y o u r w a y.

As always, if you have something you want to see in a future issue then d o n ’ t fo r g e t t o d r o p u s a n e m a i l t o contact@neonlinemagazine.com Till next time Ta ke c a r e Wa y n e

SPONSORS Cineworld Boldon www.cineworld.co.uk SCREEN-CON www.screen-con.com The Sage Gateshead www.thesagegateshead.org Ocean Beach Pleasure Park www.oceanbeach.co.uk Quasar Elite South Shields www.quasarsouthshields.co.uk For all queries or if you would like to feature or advertise in NE Magazine email contact@neonlinemagazine.com Unless stated otherwise all competition entries should be sent to win@ neonlinemagazine.com Plus you can catch up with us online for news, events, blogs, competitions and more at www.neonlinemagazine.com

EDITOR & DESIGNER Wayne Groves wayne@neonlinemagazine.com

Follow us on Facebook - http://www. facebook.com/pages/N-E-OnlineMagazine/248245728604190 join us on twitter @NEOnlineMag

CONTRIBUTORS Ian Berry Photographer www.ianberry.co.uk info@ianberry.co.uk Greame Baty Photographer www.facebook.com/ GJBPerformancePhotography g.j.baty@gmail.com Karl Keogan www.skindeepphotography.com

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SCREEN-CON 2014 Guests

15 SCREAM-CON 2013 with GJB Performance Photography 4

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Pam Rose

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SCREAM-CO Competi-

34 N 2013 Photo 5

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SCREAM-CON 2013 with Jon Dea

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SCREEN-CON has firmly established itself as the fan favourite of all the conventions that take place here in the North East. It is a well ran event ran by fans for fans, something that clearly shows.

Despite the pressure and bully boy tactics of some of the bigger conventions, SCREEN-CON is back and it is even bigger!

Saturday May the 3rd will see the Park Leisure Centre in North Shields invaded by all manner of creatures, monsters and very recognisable people from the world of Sci-Fi and Fantasy., Film and TV, Comics and Books, even the odd Computer Game Character thrown in for good measure.

Expect to see all of your favourites from Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who, Marvel and DC plus a whole hos of characters you may not be so familiar with. One thing that is guaranteed...every one is going to have an amazing time.

Doors open at 10am for those with the early bird tickets, those paying on the door will be let in from 11am onwards, but judging from the previous 2 SCREENCONS I would suggest you

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get there early to make sure you don’t have to wait ages.

Though the one thing that is guaranteed, unlike other supposed “Big Conventions” who shall remain nameless, If you come to SCREEN-CON then YOU WILL ALL GET IN! Granted, you may have to Q for a little while, you won’t be stuck outside in the cold all day. This convention does actually look after it’s fans and will make sure you are not left waiting for hours.

The line up for SCREEN-CON 2014 is looking fantastic.

They have some great guests in attendance, all wowing the crowds with photo’s, autographs and some good banter. You will have to pay extra for autographs but you won’t be charged silly money for them and you won’t have

to pay more for a photo and you will not be herded through like cattle only there to fill someones bank balance. As I said earlier, this is a convention ran by a fan for the fans.

So this issue will introduce you to the guests appearing at this May’s SCREEN-CON as well as showcase last years SCREAM-CON which was held at the Park hotel last October.

We will have the winner of the Horror Short Story Competition plus we will be showing off the photo’s that you all sent in from SCREAMCON with prizes going to our favourite photos. It is time to wet your appetite and get you all excited for Saturday May the 3rd and the return of SCREEN-CON 2014...I can’t wait!

NORMAN LOVETT

Norman Lovett is an English stand-up comedian and actor, best known for the role of Holly in Red Dwarf during the first, second, seventh (as a guest star) and eighth series.

He will be one of the guest’s attending SCREEN-CON in May, following on from last years guests and fellow Dwarfers, Craig Charles and Chris Barrie.

items to be signed if you wanted those done instead, or as well as. So if you do have any Red Dwarf merchandise that you would like signed by the man himself, don’t forget to bring it with you.

So if you want to meet Norman Lovett then make sure you join the fun at SCREEN-CON. For more info and to buy tickets visit www. screen-con.com

Norman will be appearing on stage talking about his time on Red Dwarf, so get your thinking caps on in case he takes questions.

He will also have a table where he will spend some time chatting to his fans, signing autographs and posing for photos. All the guests will bring a choice of pictures that you can buy and have signed but you can bring your own

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DAVID WARNER

Where do we start when it comes to the legend that is David warner? He has starred in more iconic films than you can shake a Light Disc at.

David will be another of the big guests appearing at SCREEN-CON. He has starred in fan favourites such as Tron where he played the villain Edward Dillinger , in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country as the Klingon Gorkon and the one I love the most...Time Bandits, where he played Evil.

time heres TEN FACTS about Screen-Con 2014 guest David Warner.

1. Distinguished British actor who won a Primetime Emmy Award in 1981 for his role in Masada. In 1976, he appeared in The Omen and in 1982 he appeared in Tron.

2.He began performing with the Royal Court Theatre in 1962.

3.He acted alongside Mark Wahlberg in the 2001 sci-fi remake of Planet of the Apes.

4. He acted alongside Leonardo DiCaprio in the classic 1997 film ‘Titanic’.

5. According to the website ‘Topless Robot, David’s 10 ‘nerdiest’ roles are.... h t t p : / / w w w. t o p l e s s r o b o t . com/2011/01/10_nerdiest_ roles_of_david_warner.php

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Those are just 3 of his appearances, to be fair, I could fill this issue on David Warner and his movie and tv appearances alone. If you want to know more join him at SCREEN-CON where he will answer all your questions, sign autographs and pose for photos plus he will hopefully be appearing on stage for a Q&A session. In the mean

6. Played the deliciously sinister South African businessman

Thomas Eckhardt in ‘Twin Peaks.

7. He played a time travelling Doctor with a malevolent agenda in the 1979 classic Time After Time.

8. He also played The Doctor... yes, THE Doctor..http://tardis. wikia.com/wiki/Sympathy_for_ the_Devil 9. Played Professor Grisenko in the Doctor Who Series 7 episode, Cold War. Three years earlier, he had also played another professor in an Ice Warrior story, when he voiced Professor Boston Schooner in the New Eighth Doctor Adventure, Deimos.

Previously, in 2009, he played Lord Azlok for the BBC-produced animated Doctor Who serial, Dreamland.

10. It is a statistical fact that any movie/TV show featuring actor David Warner is 100% more cool than a movie/TV show without him.

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Julian Glover, the name might not ring a bell but the face mose certainly will. He has starred in some of the biggest film franchises around. This English actor whose film roles have included a wide range of characters, including General Maximilian Veers in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, the James Bond villain Aristotle Kristatos in For Your Eyes Only, Walter Donovan in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and Brian Harcourt-Smith in The Fourth Protocol, among dozens of others. More recently he has played the recurring role of Grand Maester Pycelle on HBO’s Game of Thrones since 2011. So there is no doubt at all about the calibre of this guest.

Julian is another welcome addition to the SCREENCON guest rosta, he will be chatting with fans, posing for photos and signing those autographs. Like with all the guests at SCREEN-CON, Julian will bring a selection of photos for you to buy that he will then sign or if you have your own memorabelia he will happily sign those for you instead . So if you want

to meet Julian Glover then make sure you join the fun at SCREEN-CON. For more info

and to buy tickets visit www. screen-con.com

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ROYD TOLKIEN

Royd Tolkien is the greatgrandson of the legendary author J.R.R. Tolkien.

He played a Gondorian ranger passing arms out to other rangers as they prepare to defend Osgiliath in The Return of the King, the final film in Jackson’s film adaptation of his great-grandfather’s works.

“I’m incredibly proud of what my great-grandfather has achieved with his stories”, he says.

Royd will also be judging the annual SCREEN-CON short story competition and will be reading out the winning story to the crowd. There has been a great response to this years competition following on from last years short horror story comp, more on that including the winning story later in this very issue.

NE is not judging this years competition as that id under the expert eye of Royd, but we will feature the winning story in a future issue.

“I’m super thrilled to be coming to screen-con and excited to be presenting the award for best short story,” says Royd.

Ian Todd, of ‘The Crack’ magazine, will be a fellow judge.

There are two categories: ADULT (14 and over) JUNIOR (Under 14’s) The winners will be presented with £100 prize onstage by Royd Tolkien.

J.R.R. TOLKIEN PLUS...The return of the LEGEND that is Mark Percy.

Mark will be back on duty as he host’s his 3rd SCREENCON. He will be on stage interviewing the guests, running various competitions and making sure everything goes without a hitch.

Mark is also a Radio Presenter for NE1fm 102.5 and a BBC Tours Studio Tour Guide. Truly a man of many talents.

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Hi Tony and welcome to NE Online Magazine, how about telling our readers a bit about yourself?

Well I am 56 years old and married with 3 kids and 3 grandchildren. I live in Ponteland near Newcastle.

I have always enjoyed playing sport and entertainment so Variety was an easy choice for me. I like to sing and play the guitar. Also golf has become a new obsession!

Variety, the Children’s Charity is a fantastic charity but could you tell us a bit more about it?

It has quite a unique history really. On Xmas eve 1928, a baby was abandoned on the steps of the Sheridan Square Theatre with a note pinned to her dress!

It read; Please take care of my baby.

Her name is Catherine. I can no longer take care of her.

I have eight others and my husband is out of work. She was born on Thanksgiving Day. I have always heard of the goodness of show business people and pray to god that you will look after her.

Signed, a heartbroken mother Catherine’s parents were never found. Catherine was effectively ‘adopted’ by a group of show business folk who named her CATHERINE ‘VARIETY’ SHERIDAN! They provided for her until the age of 5 when she was formally adopted.

Catherine went on to live a full life having children and grandchildren of her own.

She died in 1994 her legacy however proved to be far greater.

From the group of 11, who formed the Variety Club charity in 1928.It led to Variety as we now know it which is truly global.

It has now been operating in the UK. Over 60 years.

We are most commonly

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known for our unique sky blue Sunshine Coaches but we supply lots of support to sick, disabled and disadvantaged children across the North East.

Everything from wheelchairs to sensory equipment. We also help children to have memorable experiences such as trips to sporting events, theme parks, cinemas and theatres.

People might not realise that variety is split into regions; can you tell us how that works and why it is done that way?

Yes, basically we have a headquarters in London but the rest of the country is divided into 8 regions. What this allows us to do is operate on a national level with big corporate sponsors but very importantly we raise funds locally to spend locally.

So how did you come to be involved with them?

It was a chance meeting with the then chair Bob Gladwin. I told him that I was recently retired and that I would like to get involved with a children’s charity. The rest as they say is history!

And how have things changed since you first started helping?

Charities are like running small businesses and the recession has hit everybody.

We have therefore had to work really hard to make sure we are efficient. None of the volunteers who work for Variety are paid at all.

We also have to make sure that functions that we run as fundraisers are affordable.

Having said this we still manage to provide loads of useful equipment to the children and it’s very rewarding.

What ways do you use to raise money?

We are best known for our tributes to local people who have both achieved in their careers and helped North

East charities such as Sir Bobby Robson, Alan Shearer, Sting, Robson Green, Tim Healey and Denise Welch, Mark Knopfler, the Duchess of Northumberland and most recently we had a great evening with Joe McElderry.

But that is not all we do.

We run golf competitions, dances, musical evenings and most anything that raises funds. It is incredible how little money we need sometimes to change a young person’s life!

Also there are many occasions when people have their own events or complete some challenge such as the Great North Run and donate the proceeds to Variety which is incredibly helpful.

Of course with the way Variety is set up we can spend every penny of that on the children.

What has been the highlight so far for you?

Difficult one! The best bit is always when you deliver whatever we have bought to the child and see their reaction.

How can our readers get involved with Variety?

There are many ways, from joining the committee to helping at events, sponsoring equipment or running their own events. We are always looking to harness people’s skills and creativity.

Or simply text VCNR12 to 70070 to make a small donation You recently put on a tribute to Joe McElderry, what went into putting on such a big event?

It is like managing any large project really. We have to set up a group of people with the relevant skills and draw up a plan. Everything from the budget to the entertainment to the flowers on the table needs to be planned and delivered. It is a bit like planning a wedding!

Then there is the day itself to

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Thank you for inviting me to do an Interview for NE Online Magazine.

Hello everyone, My name is Pam Rose, 66 years old and living in London for the last 28 years.

I retired from Running a Casino nearly 9 years ago.

I have been lucky and been involved in many great jobs over the years.

I was born in Norfolk and spent most of my life living on a farm, moving to Buckinghamshire when I was 14.

I was given the chance to go to College in Slough to train as a chef.(I did qualify).

When I left I became a model, I danced on Ready Steady

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Go in 1966. I also worked in a Casino as a waitress in London, then trained to be a Blackjack dealer, so dont go thinking anything dodgy .

Hostess back in 1972.It was a case of taking opportunities when they presented themselves and I loved travelling.

I went to a Casino in Brighton as a dealer 31/12/67. In March 68 they were starting filming on ”Oh What a Lovely War“ so my friend and I went and joined up as temporary extras. The first 2 weeks of filming I did 14 days and then went to work in the casino 12 of those nights, I must have had a lot of energy in those days. Anyway I left the Casino and did 3 months on the film, standing in, extra,doubling and loved it.

Now I’m doing a bit of anything, and everything. I enjoy working and keeping busy. My signings,fun casinos (for parties,weddings etc) some filming, helping my agent with castings etc.

You can check me out on my web site www. pamroseleesubsirln.com

I then returned to London, at another casino and carried on doing filming for ”Looking Glass War” and “Battle of Britain” to name a few.

Later I went on to be an Air

Some of the great films I worked on are Star Wars “A New Hope” where i played a Cantina Alien, firstly called Weird Girl, then they give her the name Leesub Sirin. This is what led me on to doing convention, a small part but immortalised by having my own action figure LEESUB SIRLN. What a surprise that

was, to be told that someone had bought it when I never knew it even existed..Now its getting harder to find my figure and expensivebecause it’s so rare, I’m still trying through friends in the USA though

Unfortunately when I needed to buy a property I had to have money coming in on a regular basis to get a mortgage. So returned to the Casino, my last job lasted just over 20 years, now that is STAYING POWER. I didnt have any particular favourite film or job as they were all exciting, new and a challenge, plus there was a lot of travel which i loved. I lived in Liberia, Sierra Leon, South Africa, Cyprus and lots of stop overs when flying including 18 times to the USA and twice to Canada.

I did 3 Superman films, 8 Episodes of Space 1999, Batman etc etc etc.

I did many things as I have mentioned before. Standing in parts, extra and doubling.

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Conventions, What a surprise that was. I was thinking who would want to meet me or get my autograph. WOW I have met so many people, friends I have worked with years ago. Facebook friends, fans, actors and more. I’m

always flattered to be asked back to events which means people I have met and loved, we can catch up in person.

How good is that.

I take everyone on as best I can, I love talking to the kids and chatting with everyone young and old, some are challenging but I’m used to that, imagine facing someone in the Casino who is upset he has lost £1.000,000 that’s a challenge.

Talking about Conventions, if you know me at all you might have seen my badge collection, I’m always doing swaps or buying to support charities, I must have over 300 now, too many to count.

My jacket is full and now my table cloth is getting close. I don’t have any favourites but i do have lots from all around the world, it’s a very

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colourful collection.

I’m kept busy with Family and my home, which is under attack from neighbours doing works (8 months so far) Work wise, I’m off to the South of France next week for a show. Check out www. starwarsactorappearences. co.uk I have been lucky enough to work with lots of famous people, far too many to pick a favourite, people like Chris Reeves, Vincent Price, Kenny Everett, Anthony Hopkins, Anthony Quinn, Mel Gibson, Val Kilmer...the list goes on.

So so many, I have been lucky to work with so many great people.

Well this is a short part of my life. Phew I’m lucky that I’m still around and enjoying as many experiences as I can.

I hope you can come and meet me one day, have a chat and become a friend.

Thank you all, Love Pam xxxx

www.pamroseleesubsirln.com

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Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down on o n yours yourself? elf?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

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Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

Are there any venues on the Have fan tour you that had youany areweird looking requests forward or to incidents? playing or any -you’re Not really.

The oddabout? person quite nervous will show Theatre up to a gigRoyal with my - The in face on a T-Shirt, or bakecan’t me Newcastle.

I absolutely a cake, or send me a panto dead wait.

I used to watch animal in the post but I’m other there when I was a kid. than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

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www.josephphilliparcher.co.uk

NEED A DESIGN? Business cards Leaflets and Brochures Magazines Information Graphics 07523 331797

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Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

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Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East At the moment it’s hard not based sitcom Hebburn, how seeing you on the TV when did that come about? we switch it on as you’re - My mate and fellow everywhere, but what has comedian Jason Cook decided been the highlight for you to write a sitcom about the so far? town he was from, Hebburn, - Not everywhere though and he actually wrote me am I? If you turn on QVC a little side part which he and I’m selling a frying pan, named after me. But when it just assume you’ll find me came to being made the BBC floating face down in a river asked me to read for the main very soon. The Daria highlight Evans for character, and when I got it, me so far was probably being Jason took the part that he’d in Hebburn. Since starting written for me! It came about comedy I always wanted to try so gradually that I didn’tGwyneth my hand at being in a sitcom really realise the enormity too so I was over the moon to of being lead role in a BBC2 do one with my mate and so sitcom until I saw the advert close to my heart, and I got to on TV. I nearly passed out. work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

24 24

Griffiths

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in muchPaul bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

Flannigan

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East At the moment it’s hard not based sitcom Hebburn, how seeing you on the TV when did that come about? we switch it on as you’re - My mate and fellow everywhere, but what has comedian Jason Cook decided been the highlight for you to write a sitcom about the so far? town he was from, Hebburn, - Not everywhere though and he actually wrote me am I? If you turn on QVC a little side part which he and I’m selling a frying pan, named after me. But when it just assume you’ll find me came to being made the BBC floating face down in a river asked me to read for the mainSteven very soon. The highlight for character, and when I got it, me so far was probably being Jason took the part that he’d in Hebburn. Since starting written for me! It came about comedy I always wanted to try so gradually that I didn’t my hand atChris being in Wakeham a sitcom really realise the enormity too so I was over the moon to of being lead role in a BBC2 do one with my mate and so sitcom until I saw the advert close to my heart, and I got to on TV. I nearly passed out. work with Vic Reeves.

Morris

How has the response for I know you had a bit of a crazy Hebburn been so far? time with fans wanting pics - Overwhelmingly positive. and autographs when you And we just won Best Drama were having a few drinks in at the RTS North awards a South Shields bar recently, too. And we’ve got a second how are you finding this, does series! it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that You are now embarking on position who has been on TV your biggest tour to date, or whatever and people want how do you feel about this? photos (I’m trying my best - Yeah incredible! It’s an not to say celebrity here!) extension of my last tour, who pretends they hate the Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates attention is a liar. You don’t in 2012 but the demand for go for a career on TV because tickets was so high and people you don’t want anyone to enjoyed the show so much notice you. As long as I’m not that I’m doing another 40 eating or having a shit when Ben odd dates this year in much you want a photo then it’sMoore no bigger venues. I can’t wait to problem at all… I meant, like get back out on the road. on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

25

25

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. Scott The highlight for Straker me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

26

Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

Jessica Dixon - Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, Karen Hunter how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

27

Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

Kev Osmotic

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

27

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

28

Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

Larry

How has the response for I know you had a bit of a crazy Hebburn been so far? time with fans wanting pics - Overwhelmingly positive. and autographs when you And we just won Best Drama were having a few drinks in at the RTS North awards a South Shields bar recently, too. And we’ve got a second how are you finding this, does series! it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that You are now embarking on position who has been on TV your biggest tour to date, or whatever and people want how do you feel about this? photos (I’m trying my best - Yeah incredible! It’s an not to say celebrity here!) extension of my last tour, who pretends they hate the Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates attention is a liar. You don’t in 2012 but the demand for go for a career on TV because tickets was so high and people you don’t want anyone to enjoyed the show so much notice you. As long as I’m not that I’m doing another 40 eating or having a shit when odd dates this year in much you want a photo then it’s no Emma bigger venues. I can’t wait to Jamie problem at all… I meant,Lauren like on the toilet, not just in the Elcoate Allan get back out on the road.

Boo middle of the dancefloor.

29

George Hutchinson

29

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a Neale bit of an actor Kerry now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, Willis just Lindsey assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, Davison howLaura are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of theWightman dancefloor.

Michael

30

Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

Lesley Williams

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

31

Now its time for our faAre there any venues on the photos, solooking here Have you had any weird fan vourite tour that you are requests or incidents? to playing top or any areforward the Winning 3 - Not really. The odd person you’re quite nervous about? pics- from SCREAM-CON will show up to a gig with my The Theatre Royal in face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

3rd Place Scott Straker

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

2nd Place Kerry

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

31

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

32

Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

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Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

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NE Magazine teamed up with SCREEN-CON to run a Horror Short Story Competition, where people were given the chance to let rip with their imagination and show of their stories to us, with the winning story being read out my SCREAM-CON host Mark Percy. NE agreed to feature the best stories in a future issue giving all the writers a bit more publicity and exposure.

We are proud to help these incredibly talented budding writers to get their work out there for the public to read

and hopefully enjoy. So much so that NE has once again teamed up with SCREEN-CON for another short story competition with the winner being announced at SCREEN-CON on Sat 3rd of May at the Park Leisure Centre. This time we will have help from our new judge Royd Tolkien as well as returning judge Ian Todd, of ‘The Crack’ Magazine. Royd, Ian and myself are very awed by this years entries so join us on the 3rd to see who will win. This year there will be 2 categories. ADULT (14 and over) and JUNIOR(under 14’s) The winners will be

presented with £100 prize onstage by Royd Tolkien The work that was submitted for last years competition really did impress the judging panel with a heated back and forth discussion on who should win. So over the next few pages you will find the ones that we enjoyed the most, so make sure you have the lights on and prepare to be scared as we take you into the warped and sinister minds of our North East Horror Writers.

WINNING STORY

Beasts

by Alex Townsend

There was blood everywhere.

Beginning to dry and darken, but still shocking red against the cream-coloured walls.

Billie picked her way through the carpet of human remains, stepping carefully over pulverized skulls and shattered ribcages.

Funny how different a nightclub can look with normal lights on, she thought. You never notice how grotty these little holes are, because they’re always in the half-dark.

Kurt was on the other side of the blood-drenched dance floor, ordering the forensics team about, doing his alpha male thing. He turned to Billie as she came up beside him.

‘This is even worse than the others.’

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She opened her mouth to agree with him, but he cut her off. ‘Forensics have got this under control. Go for a drink?’

Billie rolled her eyes, but decided that a couple of pints might help her calm down.

Kurt took them to a bar a few miles away, a long, narrow place bathed in pink and green lights. Punters chatted in booths, oblivious to the bloodbath that had occurred nearby.

Billie regarded her partner while he spouted his usual bullshit, repeatedly emphasising how hard he worked, and that he was a total professional. Especially when he looked at her with

eyes that said he obviously wanted to fuck her.

She would probably let him eventually, she supposed, if she got bored enough. Her job meant that she hadn’t really formed any lasting relationships lately, and she doubted that being with Kurt would amount to anything more than a momentary fling.

Billie wasn’t really listening to what Kurt was saying, which didn’t matter as he seemed quite happy listening to the sound of his own voice.

The monologue was broken by his cellphone, blasting out its ringtone far louder than necessary. Billie didn’t recognise the tune, but it sounded like dickhead music, so it seemed appropriate.

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‘We got to go,’ Kurt told her after the call ended. ‘There’s been another one.’

They crossed the river at Battersea bridge, Kurt driving like a tosser as usual, overtaking, tailgating, and generally bullying his way through the late night traffic.

‘What the Christ!’ he yelled suddenly, slamming on the brakes and bringing the car skidding to a halt. A monstrous black shape bounded past them, leaping off the bridge into the river below.

Billie caught a glimpse of powerful legs and a muscular, bull-like torso, and then it was gone.

Swearing, Kurt restarted the car, and brought them to their destination. An army of emergency personnel was arrayed outside the club. In the midst were two smashed riot vans, wrapped around the carcass of some hideous creature, which Billie recognised as another of the monsters they had seen on the bridge. Other vehicles lay broken nearby, ravaged by cruel claws and giant, stamping feet.

Kurt’s phone rang again.

Billie knelt beside the steaming remains, and touched the blood-soaked skin.

It was smooth, but tough, like a horse’s hide, pulled tightly over powerful muscles.

Then, she noticed something that made her gasp.

Wrapped around the leg were the remains of clothing, tattered and bloodyed, but unmistakably the remnants of a trouser leg. Before she could look further, Kurt’s hand was on her shoulder.

‘That’s it,’ he snapped his phone shut. ‘They’re calling in the army.’

‘Kurt,’ Billie began, ‘this is . . .

I think that this was a person.’

‘What?’

Before Billie could say more, screams erupted nearby.

Kurt stepped towards the commotion, where a sea

36

of fluorescent jackets had suddenly converged.

The screams escalated from panicked cries, to inhuman shrieks.

Billie and Kurt sprinted towards the disturbance, but before they could get close, a snarling, demonic shape rose into the air, tossing police and paramedics in all directions.

The bull-like creature, blooddrenched and bathed in blue flashing lights, rose to stand on its hind legs.

Kurt’s mouth hung open as he stared at the creature.

Speechless for once in his life, he gaped as the creature turned its great horned head to glare at him with a primitive, primal hatred.

And then it moved.

In two steps, it pounded across the tarmac, driving Kurt to his knees with a giant, clawed fist. Bones crumbled under the savage impact, yet somehow Kurt remained partially upright, balancing on his ruined kneecaps, disbelief on his chiselled face.

The creature smacked him face-first to the ground, then began to stamp on his head with a powerful hind leg.

Kurt’s skull burst on the third blow, like a red, rotten melon.

Billie screamed and turned to run. Behind her, the creature flung Kurt’s corpse into the air, throwing back its head and basking in a shower of blood.

Billie pounded back towards the bridge. She glanced over her shoulder and saw the creature bounding around, ripping, tearing, and killing.

Suddenly she blundered into someone.

Shrieking, she stumbled backwards, landing palms-first on the concrete.

Before her was an old man, white-haired and unshaven, a dark raincoat billowing around him in the cold breeze. He smiled mockingly and looked past Billie at the carnage unfolding behind her. A burning police car was propelled into the air,

hanging ponderously for a few seconds, before smashing to the ground and throwing police officers around like screaming skittles.

‘Calm down, my dear,’ said the old man politely. ‘You shouldn’t feel bad. This is just nature taking its course . . . with a little encouragement from us.’

Billie stared in horror as the man smiled happily at the devastation.

‘What are they?’ she demanded.

The old man smirked, ‘Why, isn’t it obvious? They’re you.’

Billie’s mind faltered, and the world seemed to grow dim around her. She was aware of a mighty, obscene roaring behind her. Great, hooved footsteps pounded towards her, each one shaking the earth like a pile-driver. Sirens echoed in the distance, but they were drowned out by the mighty, approaching footsteps. Billie opened her mouth to scream, but no sound would come out.

And then her world ended, a crushing, pounding darkness that enveloped her spirit.

BEASTS BY ALEX TOWNSEND

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‘The Univited’ by David Anderson When Timmy complained of hearing noises at night we dismissed them as the house settling into its foundations.

When he claimed he saw strange people skulking in the corners of his room we dismissed them as figments of his over-active imagination.

It wasn’t until it was too late that we realised we should have paid more heed to what he’d been saying.

Getting Timmy off to sleep each night had always been a chore. Even as a very small child it had been difficult to get him to drift off and he had always been a restless sleeper, awoken by even the slightest sound. We thought he would grow out of these

37

problems as he got older but things actually became worse. A couple of times a week we’d be dragged from our sleep by his screams as he suffered another nightmare.

You’d have to sit with him for hours on end before he finally drifted back off to sleep; we would regularly turn up for work unfit for service as a result.

After he turned seven he began having recurring bad dreams. In them he could hear footsteps from above, as if there was some unthinkable horror crawling the ceiling of his room. On other occasions he would catch a glimpse of a figure observing him from the darkness behind his

wardrobe. We tried our best to explain these incidents away. Our house was old.

Creaks and groans were common and only natural.

There couldn’t possibly be anyone else in the house, all of the windows and doors were locked tight. There certainly are no such things as ghosts. But Timmy never bought our explanations.

We bought him a nightlight and for a while this did the trick. We believed the light had banished these apparitions back to the prison of his mind. We had a week of blissfully unbroken sleep and believed a corner had finally been turned. But one night the visions started again witH

37

a vengeance.

I would be lying if I said that Timmy’s actions hadn’t been a nuisance. They caused a great deal of strife for me and the wife; we fought a lot and struggled at work. This was caused by a mixture of exhaustion and frustration.

We even snapped at Timmy, telling him he was becoming a big boy now and needed to grow up. Those harsh words fill me with shame now, after what happened. If only we had taken him more seriously, this would never have happened.

The night everything happened was no different from any of the others. We were awoken by Timmy’s screams and I stamped angrily into his room. I shouted at him, I admit it, demanded that he be quiet and let his parents get some deserved rest. He quietened down somewhat and I left him in his room with the light on. From my bed I listened as he fought valiantly to quieten his sobs. I was already feeling guilty for raising my voice but I didn’t allow myself to go back to him to apologise. Eventually the blubbering ceased and I took that to mean that Timmy had fallen asleep. I was so exhausted that within minutes I had drifted off myself.

The wife always got up earlier than me to prepare Timmy’s breakfast and get him ready for school. She would always wake me as she stepped out of bed so I was already awake when I heard her scream. I jumped from the bed and dashed to Timmy’s

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room where the sound had emanated. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Timmy’s bed was empty.

We searched the house quickly to see if Timmy was hiding from us. Sometimes he would do this to punish us if we were too strict with him. But we couldn’t find him in any of his favourite spots.

We checked the windows and doors, fearing he had run away from home, but they all remained locked. In a panic, we called the police.

As I paced the house aimlessly waiting for them to arrive I happened to notice the loft hatch was ajar. Irrational relief washed over me; despite the fact it was impossible for him to have gotten up there by himself, that must be where he was hiding. I grabbed the ladders from the garage and made my way into the loft, speaking soothingly to Timmy the whole time. What I found up there was the most terrible surprise I could ever have imagined.

There was clear evidence of habitation. Behind a stack of boxes filled with our junk I found two dirty sleeping bags placed upon mattresses made of soiled rags and assorted belongings pilfered from the packages up there.

By the sides of the beds were a number of open food cans, some knives and forks. A small pile of dirty clothing stood at the foot of one of the beds. To my growing horror I noticed two shafts of light coming from small holes in the floor of the loft. In a daze I lowered myself and confirmed my suspicions; they allowed a

perfect view into Timmy’s room. I was physically sick at that moment. People had taken residence in our home without us knowing and what Timmy had been saying was true. He had actually seen and heard the things we had denied.

The one thing I keep asking myself is how had those vagrants or squatters, or whatever you want to call them, lived up there for so long without us noticing?

It repulses me to think how long they had been up there and how much they had seen. I hate them for what they have done but I hate myself more for not taking my boy’s problems more seriously. I was wrong to dismiss his claims as childish nonsense. I’ve since come to realise that not all horrors are supernatural; the majority of them are flesh and blood. I’ll never forgive myself for not realising earlier.

‘The Univited’ by David Anderson

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Ta Skoulikia

by Dan Weatherer ‘where their worm does not die and the fire is not quenched.’ Mark 9:48 Will Ratchford was fiercely bored. He often wondered whether his adrenal gland had succumbed to the relentless tedium of Exploratory Drilling, and shrivelled to nothing through a lack of stimulation. Dedicating his formative years to the study of Geology had left little time for hobbies or relationships, so here he sat, monitoring drill depth and core temperature, furiously cursing his lack of imagination.

He had tried to drum up conversation with the rest of “The Adelphi’s” crew with varying degrees of success.

The chief drilling engineer Tom had all but blatantly ignored his efforts, preferring to share stories of past drunken antics with the first mate Ian, a stern type who often boasted salt water flowed in his veins. Will found Captain Woolwich a far more affable fellow. They had indulged in the odd game of chess and spoken of the present project and the pressures they were working under cutbacks on expenditure. Yet Geology had lost all of its appeal, after this survey he had made the decision to quit the company and relocate, maybe reinvent himself and start over.

According to his charts they would hit their target shortly.

Considering this was one of the deepest Off-land drills to date at over 18,000ft below sea level, things had gone relatively smoothly.

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A sudden jolt shook the ship. Out on deck Tom was frantically punching controls and yelling incoherently towards the bridge. Sighing heavily Will made his way towards the smoking drill housing.

“What’s happened Tom? Did we hit the pocket at an incorrect angle?” Will asked.

“The Hell should I know!”

Tom snapped back, an unlit cigarette hanging from his lip. “You did the maths mate.

Good job I killed it when I did, whole damn thing could have caught fire.” He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth thoughtfully.

The squeal of tearing metal pierced the air as the smoking apparatus began to rattle and shake violently, the shaft of the drill rising and falling rapidly. Ian had run up from below deck with a bemused look on his face.

“The heck is going on?”

The three of them stood, dumbfounded as the unknown fury continued to toy with the drilling rig for several minutes more before stopping abruptly. Captain Woolwich, clearly concerned for the safety of his vessel had appeared alongside Ian. Certain it was safe to proceed he nodded towards Ian. “Get the camera down there, we need to check for damage and maybe try and find out what son-of-a-bitch just tried to pull my ship apart.”

Within

minutes

the

aqua

camera was in the water relaying pictures back to the high-definition monitor in real time.

“Well will you just look at that!” cooed Tim as he hunched over the small screen. Through the murk and debris they could clearly make out the crooked shape of their once perfectly aligned drill bit.

“The hell can do that kinda damage” asked Ian aloud, eyes set firmly on Will.

“Erm….well if the angle was off reverberation within the…” he began.

“Bull. Shit!” snarled Tom. William shrugged; he was no expert on the sea and its inhabitants. He was a Rock man. A rapid writhing flicker of black obscured the view momentarily. Dismissing it as interference he allowed his mind to wander.

“You might want to check this out!” Ian was hanging over the starboard side, his eyes fixed on the waves below.

“What did we hit?” Woolwich asked slowly.

The sea directly below was hissing angrily, the remains of several species floating upside down just below the surface. A nauseating odour finding its way into their nostrils.

“Some kind of thermal pocket?” William offered swallowing hard. He felt accusing eyes looking in his direction.

An Orange glow filled the monitor screen, distracting them from the boiled contents

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of the sea and beckoning them closer.

“It looks like we have entered some kind of magma chamber, but…”

William trailed off, afraid that his next observation was going to sound as absurd as it had in his head “… but, those flames, well…that’s just not possible.”

The four men stood in silence as they watched the flames emanating from the newly drilled hole, the drill shaft warping and shifting within the heat.

Something large thumped loudly into the starboard side, sending the ship into a lazy looking loll. Ian pointed excitedly at the water: “It’s here, the Son-of-a…”

The absurdly long, sleek Sonof-a-Bitch had reared up from the waves, attached itself to Ian’s grinning face and taken him overboard in a matter of

seconds.

“What the hell was that?” shrieked Woolwich. With panic clearly beginning to take a hold he grabbed a rope and tossed it into the water where his first mate had disappeared, disturbing the bloodied water beneath him.

This time around Will was afforded a better view of the creature, as it punched itself gracefully through the captain’s chest. It raised skywards, displaying its enormous length, Woolwich impaled on its segmented torso with a look of surprise frozen on his face. Tom, now armed with a fishhook had set upon the creature, was stabbing at its slippery black body. The creature’s blood, thick and green sprayed over his arm and into his face. A pitched cry of pain as it began to eat into his flesh ended

suddenly as another of the Worms took him in its jaws.

Will could count a total of three now each easily measuring over twenty feet long. He wondered stupidly how he would explain this mess to his superiors when he felt a sharp, wet tug at his leg. The sleek monstrosity coiled around his thigh and drew itself up to eye level. A circular mouth, all teeth, no tongue filled his world briefly before he heard the sound of his jawbone crack and the pain of a thousand needles enter his skull, the last of the Adelphi’s crew now nothing but worm food.

Ta Skoulikia by Dan Weatherer

www.houndcomics.com/salvagers_comic.php

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The Damnation of Bennet Lynch

By Jack Watson

For centuries St Raphael’s Roman Catholic Church has loomed over Balesdon, its bell tower standing directly in the centre of the village. If one dares to scale the steep, winding stairs they can look down on every field, tree and building for miles around as if they are brown leaves on an autumn ground. In years gone by many a queasy child has wept for fear of plummeting to their deaths, should they be pushed by some unseen force. The tolling of the ancient iron bell has woken countless citizens with a fright, twelve knells marking the beginning of the Witching Hour- the time of night in which demons are most powerful, and black magic most effective. The bell tower has watched as locals pray for mercy upon their eternal souls every Sunday morn, and it has bore witness to every terrible confession held within its chambers. It knows about every skeleton in every closet, and every furtive discussion that has been held on its territory.

One such discussion was held by the lovers Bennet Lynch and Rebekah Wickes in the year of Our Lord 1842. On the eve of October 12th Wickes climbed the steep, winding stairs to meet Lynch, as they did every Saturday night, for a few fleeting hours of privacy together beneath the ashen moonlight. Tonight was to be the last of their secret meetings, however, for they had planned to elope the very next Saturday night.

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Wickes was betrothed to another man, alas, and her parents would never allow her to marry a scoundrel like Lynch. So as the bell tower rang twelve times the couple were to leave Balesdon forever; they would find work in the city and begin a new life together. This was their scheme, and yet fate had a trick up his sleeve.

As Wickes reached the top of the tower she saw the silhouette of Lynch waiting for her beyond the old bell, and the air in her lungs was wrenched towards him. He heard her breathing and slowly moved forwards.

“Good evening, my love,” said the voice drawing closer. “You are a tad late tonight, are you not?”

She wiped a bead of sweat from her brow with one clammy hand. “Forgive me, Bennet,” stuttered Rebekah, “I was delayed, for my father did not go to his bedchamber ‘til all but ten minutes ago.”

“You needn’t be so apologetic, darling.” He stopped about two feet before her, his face illuminated by the Moon’s shadow.

“Although you do seem... withdrawn... tonight. Are you fearful lest we be caught this following Saturday?”

“No, that is not so,” murmured Rebekah.

“Then what is it?” Lynch asked, a hint of impatience in his voice.

Silent tears started to roll over Rebekah’s cheekbone and fall to the floor.

“Why are you crying?” Lynch

snapped. His eyes were bloodshot, his jaw clenched.

“Are those tears of guilt my love?”

“I have a confession to make, Bennet,” Rebekah whispered.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “I cannot leave with you next week.”

It felt as though the air had become heavier. Lynch rolled his hands into fists. “Excuse me,” Lynch said. He took a step closer to her, and the moonlight no longer fell upon him. “Did I hear that correctly? Would you like to explain why you cannot leave with me next week?”

Rebekah was on the verge of sobbing now, and she could hardly stifle her wailing enough to pronounce the sentence: “I am in love with he to whom I am engaged.”

He tilted his head forward slowly, and untamed hair fell over his dark face, the whites of his eyes glaring out from beneath. “How can that be so,” he inquired, “when you are in love with me?”

Rebekah took a step towards the iron bell, praying for it to quell Lynch’s anger. The tears fell freely from her bloated eyes now. “I am so terribly sorry Bennet, but I love him more than thee.”

Lynch turned away from her, staring out into the distance, and slammed his fist into the brick wall. A bellow of pure anger erupted from the depths of his stomach and rang through the night sky.

Rebekah’s face crumpled as she began to bawl.

In a flash Lynch was upon

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her. She tried to scream, but couldn’t force the sound through his grip on her throat. She tried to pull his wrists apart, but his hands were like a vice.

Jagged fingers burrowed deeper into her flesh, ripping the skin.

She kicked at his shins but he wouldn’t yield, only squeezed tighter.

Now he lifted Rebekah so that only her toes were touching the floor. Her healthy face had become swollen and purple, and her world was now filled with throbbing pain. Like daggers, his nails cut deep enough to sever her carotid.

A jet of blood burst from her neck, cascading down upon his chest, his face, his hands.

In a final burst of fury Lynch flung her over the side, and her close-to-lifeless body

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plummeted towards the ground. The last thing she saw before her skull cracked was the iron behemoth splattered in her blood.

A thud echoed through the tower.

His work done, Lynch slumped against the banister and stared up at the moon. It had shone intensely earlier in the night but only dull beams reached the tower now. He closed his eyes. When he crept home later to wash himself he would leave the corpse where it was, but for now he would rest...

The bell began to ring. Twelve chimes.

Startled, Lynch leapt to his feet and spun to face the bell, and watched in panic as it shook itself clean.

A single red droplet landed

upon Rebekah’s forehead.

The scarlet pool around her began to ripple. Joints cracked as they twisted again; bruised eyelids flickered open.

The bell hadn’t granted Rebekah protection from Lynch, but now it awarded her with vengeance.

Crimson lips curled into a smirk.

The Damnation of Bennet Lynch By Jack Watson

THEby Glen VICTIM Upsall As soon as she walked in she felt the tension. It hit her like her husband’s fist. She often didn’t see that coming either.

He was sitting in the dark, in his favourite chair. The glow of his cigarette giving him away.

Even in the poor light, she could sense he knew she was blushing. Her heart rate had increased, her cheeks flushed red, due to the sudden release of adrenalin into her system.

“Is there anything you regret?” His voice was soft, yet just as menacing.

This was truly a fight or flight moment if ever there was one. She chose flight.

She dropped her bag on the sofa, letting out a sigh. Here we go again....

She spun on her heels, and made a grab for door.

“Yes.” She readied herself for the inevitable explosion.

“But you already know that.”

The Detective sat in his car.

He hated his job. Mopping up peoples messes, witnessing their trails of destruction.

How could people who loved each other, hurt each other so much?

He looked out at the flashing blue lights, the cordoned off house, and the crime scene officers in their paper ‘onesies’. What was it this time....? Jealous husband?

Cheating wife?

Homicidal child? Killer cat?

He’d seen it all. And to be honest, he’d seen enough.

He didn’t flinch. Didn’t say a word. And in a way, that was worse. He took a long drag on his cigarette. She could feel his eyes burrowing into her. Searching her

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mind. Scrutinising her body language. Looking for every tell tail sign or nervous tick.

He was on her before she even made it out of the room.

He grabbed her long black hair, wrapping it around his fingers, before yanking her back into the room. He threw her to the floor, and slammed the door. Her hair was tangled between his fingers, bloodied at the roots.

“Please, don’t.” She pleaded, whilst subconsciously wishing she’d cut her hair short like she’d planned to do. “I love you.”

“You don’t know what love is!” He screamed at her. “Look at you....Parading yourself around like a cheap whore while I’m at work ‘till all hours!”

“Richard, I swear, I’d never-” Her sentence was cut short as his fist smashed into her cheek. She crumpled to the floor. Her head was spinning.

No matter how many times she’d been hit, she never got used to the nauseating dizziness. He dragged her off the floor by her hair.

Damn this hair, so easy to get hold of...

The punch to her stomach doubled her up; winding her. She cried out in pain, unsteady on her heels. He always followed up the head shot with the body blow....she didn’t mind, she never had to explain away the hidden bruises.

His hands gripped her throat. This was new....

He squeezed.... and squeezed....and squeezed.

She looked into his eyes.

She’d never seen him like this.

His entire face was a mask of hatred. She could feel her windpipe being crushed. Her eyes bulging. The blackness was coming for her, and she welcomed it....

The Detective climbed out of his car. The night air whipped at his face, forcing him to pull his collar up around his cheeks. He wished he could be home in the arms of his beautiful wife; holding her close. The smell of her perfume filling his nostrils, as she forced him to watch the latest implausible drama, being played out on one of her numerous soap operas.

He would tease her. Explaining how these streets had a higher body count over the years than any horror movie he knew of. If only she knew what ‘real’ death looked like....She wouldn’t be so keen to watch then, would she? it. I used to watch panto there

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The Uninvited “As usual Milo, when my guest arrives, I will expect you to remain in your room,” said Jennifer. “I’m making some dinner you can have in there.”

Milo pushed himself up from his wheelchair to see spaghetti hoops bubbling in a small saucepan on the hob.

The kitchen was littered with cooking detritus: chopped onion, tomatoes, garlic, green beans and two bloody chops on a plate by the oven. The kitchen was awash with an array of delicious odours. Milo’s stomach rumbled.

He was weak and hungry, as usual.

“I have two bottles of a marvellous Temperanillo,” said Jennifer. “Ribero del Duero.

Spanish. Award winning.”

Milo grunted a reply.

Jennifer paused, mid-stir over a large pot of sauce.

“I’m afraid there is insufficient for you to try it, Milo,” she said. “You can have one of the little Belgian beers you like.”

Milo mumbled in dissatisfaction. Jennifer thumped the meat with a tenderising mallet, the slipped both pieces into a bowl of oil, massaging them momentarily, before placing them in the frying pan where they sizzled enthusiastically.

Milo strained up on the arms of the wheelchair again to watch the spaghetti hoops congealing in the bottom of the pan.

“Starters are chilling; wine breathing; vegetables drained.

Now, how does Ronald like his meat?” she said, visualising her gastronomic agenda. Milo rolled his eye.

“Oh Christ!” she said, finally noticing Milo’s burning meal. She snatched the saucepan from the hob and slopped the contents into a plastic bowl.

She located a spoon, slung it

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into the bowl and pitched the whole lot onto Milo’s lap.

Milo rapidly began spooning the scalding hot muck into his mouth, barely tasting it as he swallowed.

Abruptly, the doorbell rang. Jennifer raised her hands in panic. Milo stopped eating and a number of spaghetti hoops fell from his open mouth onto the rug on his lap.

“Right, Milo,” she said, preening herself rapidly in the reflection of the toaster.

“Make yourself scarce!”

Milo awkwardly turned the wheelchair and wheeled himself toward his room. The bungalow was small, with his room and the kitchen to the rear and the dining room at the front. He was barely through the door before he heard the bolt slide home behind him. He spun the chair around and pushed his ear against the door. The plastic bowl slipped onto the floor, ignored. He heard the front door open and Jennifer’s singing voice: “Ronald!

How marvellous!”

Milo heard the deep reply of a man, but could not decipher the words. He pictured obesity and jowls.

“Oh…” he heard Jennifer say and he detected a note of displeasure (which he recognised so very well). “…well, no, not a problem exactly…well no, I know you pay a lot of money, but some prior notice…Oh! Very well!

Come in!”

Milo sniggered and readjusted his ear to the door.

He loved to hear her when she was annoyed, unless she was annoyed at him of course. He heard the front door close

By Richard Rippon

and the sound of movement at the front of the house. A long silence, followed by music: Nora Jones, her dinner party music.

Then he heard her irrate stomp, the rattle of the bolt. Milo rapidly reversed the chair away from the door. Jennifer appeared. She was seething.

“Ronald,” she said, trying to control her anger, “has decided to bring an unannounced guest.”

Milo moaned.

“You know what that means.”

Milo rolled up his lap blanket obediently. Jennifer went quickly into the kitchen and he heard the sound of the fridge opening and closing.

She reappeared and instantly stabbed in the syringe, depressing the plunger in one motion. A euphoric warmth flooded his body. Milo relaxed in his chair and enjoyed the sweet numbness which enveloped him.

Jennifer appeared again, with the hacksaw and clamps.

“There’s enough of the tongue salad to go around, but not the main course.”

Milo gurgled quietly, as the morphine took hold proper.

Jennifer quickly unravelled Milo’s bandages, revealing his crudely cauterised stumps.

“Keep the bloody noise down this time,” she said, as she leant down to begin.

Milo laughed silently, his shoulders shaking as she sawed.

The Uninvited By Richard Rippon

The Country Church

by Ami Henderson He’d managed to escape undetected, racing through the deserted car park and onto the dark country road that he prayed would lead him back to civilisation. It was the ominous roar of motorcycles and the guttural growl of their engines spurring into life that made his legs move even faster, his heart sinking to his stomach all the while. Trust him to make a move on the girl with the thug boyfriend, he thought wryly.

Though hadn’t it been her who’d flirted first? He’d been content, minding his own business whilst nursing a cold pint, exhausted from the long drive back towards London after visiting his Aunt in hospital when the pretty blonde had approached. None of that mattered now, he focused on getting the hell away from the group of bikers from the pub, the ones intent on giving him the beating of a lifetime, or worse, maybe this was the type of rural village where the murder of outsiders went unreported.

He forced the thought from his consciousness; this was not the time for irrational panic.

As he ran a dim glow not far in the distance came into view, he sprinted towards it, knowing the gang weren’t far behind. The deep groan of their bikes grew closer; he supposed the only positive of it being late at night was that the darkness acted as a camouflage, making it harder to pick him out amongst the trees and the pitch black of the tarmac.

He reached the low, thicket fence framing the building and leapt over it, laughing with relief when he found the entrance left ajar. He crept inside, closing the heavy door firmly behind him. He

surveyed the surroundings; rows of pews lined the bare wood floor leading up to an altar, it was a church, he realised with relief, a bit of luck at last.

“Hello?!” He called out, sitting down on the cold, stone steps that led up to the raised platform of the altar, resting his feet which ached from running.

It felt strange being in a church, as a child he’d been forced to attend mass every Sunday, yet as an adult the only times he set foot inside one was on rare occasions such as weddings, christenings, or more sombrely, funerals.

His eyes drifted to the large, rectangular table with a black cloth draped across, standing above him. There was a pitcher of what he presumed was red wine, as well as three leafy wreaths of some sort and a sharp wooden instrument that didn’t look too dissimilar to a stake, the kind you see in vampire films.

Odd, he thought, but then surmised it was probably part of a display or something.

“What’s going on here?” A man wearing a navy blue, woollen jumper demanded irritably, having appeared from a small door leading to the back of the church.

“I’m sorry for not knocking but I’m being chased. I was passing through and stopped for a drink in the pub up the road, I got on the wrong side of a bunch of bikers and now they’re after me.” He explained breathlessly.

The man relaxed slightly and nodded, “I know that lot.” He

added knowingly.

“Yeah, I would have gotten into my car and driven off, but I couldn’t find my keys, must have lost them. Are you the Vicar?”

He asked.

“I am yes.”

“Unless someone stole the keys from my pocket, could have been that girl.” He muttered to himself.

“No need to fret about it now.”

The vicar said brusquely, looking him up and down with an expression of indifference as he spoke.

A stirring of uneasiness churned in his gut, he had a bad feeling about the whole situation. No one round these parts gave a damn if a stranger from the city got attacked, this vicar definitely didn’t.

“Look, I’ll get out of your way.”

He assured him, standing up and backing off towards the rear of the church.

Just as he reached for the handle the door was flung open.

“Crap.” He cursed, standing face to face with the thug and his two mates. “Look I had no idea she was your girlfriend. No harm done yeah?”

They loomed over him like burly skyskrapers, the leader of the group sneering with a wicked grin plastered across his face.

“Look once I find my car keys I’ll be on my way, I’m sorry for any offence caused.” He pleaded desperately.

He sighed with relief as he saw The Vicar striding towards the scene; hopefully he’d be able to calm the men down.

“You did well.” The Vicar told the main biker.

“Just doing my bit for the community.”

He winked

45

arrogantly.

“You pair, get the rope and tie him up at the front.” The Vicar instructed the two sidekicks.

As they bound his hands and dragged him up the aisle roughly, he yelled as loudly as he could, kicking and thrashing in resistance, though he knew he was in serious trouble.

“We’ll carry out the sacrifice once the others get here.”

The Vicar said bluntly.

Panic flooded him on hearing the word ‘sacrifice’, what the hell kind of place was this?

His pulse raced as his heart pounded wildly, all the blood

rushing to his head causing his vision to blur and a sensation of dizziness to wash over him.

He tried to scream, but to no avail. Instead he lay slumped against the stone steps where they’d dropped him, unable to move or speak. They were going to kill him. Images of the wooden stake and the other ritualistic objects flickered through his mind as he lost consciousness.

“Hopefully this will be enough to ensure the land stays healthy and the flooding keeps at bay.” The Vicar remarked, glancing at the human sacrifice they would

later offer as a gift to the powers above.

“Fingers crossed.” The biker smirked. “If not, at least there’ll be one less townie on our turf.”

The Country Church by Ami Henderson

www.houndcomics.com/salvagers_comic.php

Their Souls to Keep

by Mark Robinson I’m a child. I’m caged in this kitchen, pushed to the back wall and the back of the minds of the people living here – except for sweet, little Emily.

I’m quiet when Emily’s Mammy and Daddy are close. They told Emily not to talk to me; when she has, they shouted at her.

Emily just needs to look at me now and she’s told off. But Emily is my friend.

Emily had been tucked in and had a story read as a reward for her not even looking my way; I was left lonely and hungry. Then I heard the kitchen door open.

From out of the darkness came Emily.

She tip-toed over to the fridge.

The only food Emily could find was half a plastic tray of raw mince. As Emily took it out of the fridge, its door slammed shut. Emily and I froze as we both looked at the kitchen door – we’d heard footsteps. As we waited for the door to be flung open, the footsteps started heading away from the kitchen.

Lifting as much of the meat out of the plastic tray as her little hands would allow, Emily pushed it through the holes of the mesh which held me prisoner. The taste and texture of the meat was disgusting and didn’t stop my hunger, but after what Emily had risked coming down here, I just thanked her and licked up the mushy pulp. I caught Emily’s eye and smiled, the meat from her efforts stuck on my teeth; she had to stop herself from laughing.

I was suddenly filled with terror – “EMILY!!!” screamed her Mammy. She lunged at Emily and grabbed her thin arms tightly. Emily leaned away from her, shaking with fear before bursting into tears. Her Mammy

burst into tears too, sinking to the kitchen floor.

Emily’s Daddy came rushing into the kitchen looking shocked and confused.

“I can’t take this anymore, Dave...I just can’t!” sobbed Emily’s Mammy.

“You won’t have to, Jen. This” – he pointed in my direction – “will be all over after tonight. I promise” said her Daddy.

“Honestly?” begged her Mammy “The money is coming through tomorrow”.

Emily’s Mammy started crying again, but this time she seemed happy.

The next morning, Emily’s Mammy and Daddy were in a very good mood – her Mammy even looked in my direction and smiled to herself as she looked away – but Emily was really quiet. She knew that today would be the last day we would see each other. I heard her Daddy telling her Mammy that he’d feel better if she would take Emily out of the house while he was sorting things - I knew what he meant!

Emily came into the kitchen, her Mammy and Daddy were busy upstairs.

“I’m going to die in here Emily” I said, looking straight into her eyes.

“You’ll be OK, really” Emily told me.

“Once your Daddy has the money, he’ll kill me, Emily; that is why he wants you and your Mammy away from here.”

I knew that she believed me.

“I won’t let him” she wailed ”I WON’T LET HIM”.

She jumped to her feet and ran to a drawer, yanking it open.

She found what she was after and raced back to me. She was holding a big, sharp knife. With two hands, she started forcing it into the mesh; I could see the mesh separating as she put all of her weight behind it. “It’s working!” I cried, just as her Daddy came into the kitchen.

He shouted at Emily about how HE could not, and would not, “tolerate any more of this crap!” and that he was going to “end it once and for all”. He snatched the knife and started using it to unscrew the corners holding the wire mesh. Throwing the knife to one side, he started using his fingers to unscrew the front of my prison. “He’s going to kill me!!” I screamed “Emily, HELP ME. PLEASE!!”

Emily’s Daddy started undoing the third screw when it happened; the knife burst out of his throat! Emily was gritting her teeth, forcing the blade into the side of her Daddy’s neck, opening up a huge gaping wound which spat blood all over my face...and it was glorious.

This had been the elixir I had craved since the Clayton’s had moved in the year before Emily was born, and my wait had been worth every minute, not only for the nourishment of the warm blood that can only taste this good from a fresh family sacrifice, but to see the look in David Clayton’s eyes as he finally seen me. This was his daughter’s worryingly influential, pretend playmate, revealed to him in his dying seconds - and the sight of me made him wish his little angel had gouged his hazel eyes out as well.

As the weight of his dying body forced his face against the mesh front of the kitchen air-vent, the skin on his cheek forced its

47

way through to my side of this boundary. I scraped my teeth down the mesh, tearing at the delicate skin of his face; his eyes close enough for me to savour his fear and agony.

Jenny Clayton bounded into the kitchen, asking her daughter if she knew where Daddy was before catching sight of her butchered husband. She tried administering first-aid, but it was a pointless exercise at this stage of his gruesome, and completely satisfying, death.

48

The usual parasites were involved in the aftermath – the police, the press, the psychologists – as they always have been after one of my beautifully orchestrated ‘incidents’.

Sweet little Emily will forever be the focal point of fame hungry psycho-shaman’s and their tawdry best-selling books. But, if blood is the life-force, then stealing the innocent soul of a child is the acquisition of youth...and mine for the taking.

I’d like the new residents to find it within themselves to provide me with a sweet little boy as my next muse – His soul to take.

Their Souls to Keep By Mark Robinson

49

50

The Man...The Myth...The Legend...

Jordan Smith Heaven sent and hell bent romantic and darkly interesting artist, photographer and graphic designer with a modern twist of lemon. That is how he describes himself. He is a genuine North East Artist that always wows the crowd with his work, he will be doing just that at SCREENCON 2014 on May the 3rd, so here’s a few words from the man himself…

It was great to meet you back at SCREAM-CON last year, I love my signed Batman and Superman prints. Thanks for taking the time to chat with us as I know you are incredibly busy. So where did you study and for how long?

from time to time in the future with some of the worlds best comic artists like Bryan Talbot.

Artist’s often say music gives them inspiration, is this true about you?

Ohh yes its very important, dead can dance kicked off my earlier Darkview work in many ways. l love movie soundtracks as well. l have all sorts of eclectic tastes while l work.

Space with Apple Mac and my camera. l’d like to work with more and more famous people and capture them in a new light. l’ve photographed lots of famous writers like Joanne Harris and Paul Magrs lately but some mainstream celebs would be an interesting challenge.

Have you ever thought of going into film?

That may take my second lifetime

Well as long as could remember been into art and photography but my foundation course in the arts soon found my strengths in photography and the fairly new medium of digital art. l then went on to do my degree in electronic media. Even then l was working for record companies doing cover work.

Who was your idol when you were growing up?

Hmmm! l always loved the graphic novel artists like John Romita and John Busema from the Marvel age of comics as l young kid, later that worked with that Adult themed DC vertigo titles, writers like Alan More, Neil Gaiman. Jammie Hewetts Tank Girl had a great vibe, l once made a life size cardboard tank with him at a comic con in Glasgow. l went to many UK comic cons and met them all over the years, little did l know l’d be working

What makes you tick as an artist?

Time and the female form as a muse, like the Pre-Raphaelite brotherhood before me. l am always striding to create the ultimate muse, many of my models love my work as if say l do nudity l don’t make it look like sex, l like to show them looking confident and in power.

As an an artist is there anything you would still like to explore?

or more focus, l do have trailers l’ve done for Alice,Grandville, Batman and Dr Who etc up at YouTube under my Darkviewman namesake but true film work would be great.

I hear you’re going to New York to work with Tim Burton’s ex-are the rumours true?

Well Lisa Marie and her agent did contact me and its left in their hands as she’s had a sticky

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time of late, so when she’s ready.

She talked to me a few times and loved the ideal of some new creative work. I was invited to a press opening in LA from Tim Burton at the Greek Theatre 2 years back but it was on the day l was flying back to the UK. Bummer! but also Bryan Talbots publishers were given our book Alice in Sunderland to use as reference material in the early stages of the movie that’s now out.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?

Re-working in oils on some of my finest digital/photography work like the pictures l sell at Podgallery in New York.

What was your role in Bryan Talbot’s book “Grandville”?

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l was the colourist on the first novel and lam mostly doing the second one as we speak. He wanted me back as he loved my cover work on Alice in Sunderland as well as a dozen or so pages within it.

Finally, apart from at SCREENCON how can people follow you and keep up to date with your work?

So not only can people buy your prints, but now I hear you have a few t-shirt designs, where can people get these?

htt p s : / / w w w.fa c e b o o k . co m / darkview

Visit the great daretowearclothing site link for a few of my t-shirt designs. http://www.daretowearclothing. co.uk/products-page/tv/ heisenberg-walter-whitebreaking-bad-by-jordan-smith/ http://www.daretowearclothing. co.uk/products-page/generaldesigns/heisenberg-breakingb a d - w a l t e r- w h i t e - b y- j o r d a n smith/

http://www.saatchionline.com/ darkview

h t t p : / / w w w. m y s p a c e . c o m / darkview

http://twitter.com/darkview

h t t p : / / w w w . t h e ste a m p u n ke m p i re . co m / profile/darkview

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

53

Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

53

54

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

55

Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

55

56

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

57

Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

57

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

58

Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

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Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

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By Jon Dea

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Hi Chris and welcome to NE Magazine, for the few readers who must be living in a cave somewhere and don’t know who you are how about giving th em a quick l ow- down o n yourself?

- Hello! Can’t help but think I’m writing your interview introduction for you here, oh well… I’m a stand-up comedian from South Shields and I’m also a bit of an actor now and then… but mainly a comedian… that might not come across as well as it should in print form, but I am.

So there.

At the moment it’s hard not seeing you on the TV when we switch it on as you’re everywhere, but what has been the highlight for you so far?

- Not everywhere though am I? If you turn on QVC and I’m selling a frying pan, just assume you’ll find me floating face down in a river very soon. The highlight for me so far was probably being in Hebburn. Since starting comedy I always wanted to try my hand at being in a sitcom too so I was over the moon to do one with my mate and so close to my heart, and I got to work with Vic Reeves.

I know you had a bit of a crazy time with fans wanting pics and autographs when you were having a few drinks in a South Shields bar recently, how are you finding this, does it put you off going out?

- Not at all. Any person in that position who has been on TV or whatever and people want photos (I’m trying my best not to say celebrity here!) who pretends they hate the attention is a liar. You don’t go for a career on TV because you don’t want anyone to notice you. As long as I’m not eating or having a shit when you want a photo then it’s no problem at all… I meant, like on the toilet, not just in the middle of the dancefloor.

64

Have you had any weird fan requests or incidents?

- Not really. The odd person will show up to a gig with my face on a T-Shirt, or bake me a cake, or send me a dead animal in the post but other than that it’s just photos and autographs. A little kid in Hebburn when we were filming asked me to sign his micro scooter… that was a bit weird.

Are there any venues on the tour that you are looking forward to playing or any you’re quite nervous about?

- The Theatre Royal in Newcastle. I absolutely can’t wait. I used to watch panto there when I was a kid. I’m

As well as being a bit of a regular on Celebrity Juice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and 8 out of 10 Cats you are now starring in the North East based sitcom Hebburn, how did that come about?

- My mate and fellow comedian Jason Cook decided to write a sitcom about the town he was from, Hebburn, and he actually wrote me a little side part which he named after me. But when it came to being made the BBC asked me to read for the main character, and when I got it, Jason took the part that he’d written for me! It came about so gradually that I didn’t really realise the enormity of being lead role in a BBC2 sitcom until I saw the advert on TV. I nearly passed out.

How has the response for Hebburn been so far?

- Overwhelmingly positive.

And we just won Best Drama at the RTS North awards too. And we’ve got a second series!

You are now embarking on your biggest tour to date, how do you feel about this?

- Yeah incredible! It’s an extension of my last tour, Feeling Lucky. I did 60+ dates in 2012 but the demand for tickets was so high and people enjoyed the show so much that I’m doing another 40 odd dates this year in much bigger venues. I can’t wait to get back out on the road.

64