Letter from the Editor Last month’s issue was late. Pardon the inconvenience. Being apologetic can be a form of acceptance—embracing the error while recognizing that a wrong was done and that it may have affected others. A knowing wink or smile can easily be taken for granted as an unspoken understanding when an apology is offered in person or among a group. I apologize, even if the delay was caused by reasons beyond our control; it was certainly not an oversight. Ultimately, it does not matter—because here at DONE, we happen with life; we do not let life happen to us. The flow of routine may feel predictable and safe, incapable of deviation, but we choose to push through it regardless. I sincerely apologize for the late issue, and thank you for your patience. Sincerely, Sambulo Kunene Editor, DONE
Being a Student What sort of students exist in real life? A student of faith. A student of love. A student of knowledge. A student of education. And a student of others—a group that tends to be passive receptors of life, letting life happen to them instead of taking life by the horns and going at it. To be a student, one must join an institution of some sort: agree to rules, promise to participate, and expect rewards that are meaningful only to the student. Learning in a school environment exposes students to ideas that were previously a secret. Only by using tools, following instructions, and trusting the routine does the experience truly pay off. Often, family relations carry the weight of past experiences from the heads of the household—how they were educated and what sort of students they were. They accepted knowledge, processed it, and conceptualized it, resulting in automatic behaviors and cultural expressions. Yet, the complexity of life requires outside help. Students of faith attend seminaries to prepare themselves to be vessels for the Creator. When we face difficulties in our private lives, we hope a more astute student will possess the knowledge to remind us of the Word, shifting how we view our struggles. We all start as students seeking knowledge to navigate our environment, receiving insight from those further along so that what we learn helps us feel better about ourselves. We decline to be passive receptors waiting for life to happen. That, to me, is what being a student is.
Long Walks Whether raised on a farm, in an urban area, or in any sort of homeland—as pots and pans and baked goods feverishly simmer on the stove, and as men use tools to change metals into fluids—eventually, we need to break away and take time for ourselves. Long walks are one form of relaxation. It does not cost money to take a long walk. It can be done in solitude, with a partner, with family, children, or pets. It is walking aimlessly without a destination in mind—or with a destination in mind—with an expectation, if done in solitude, that there won’t be any surprises, interruptions, or unforeseen events. It could be at night or in the daytime. It is a walk: a mind-freeing exercise to take time to step out and absorb your surroundings. Some walks can bring peace. If one walked away from an argument and returned feeling calm, then the walk was fruitful. Other walks can be vexing if an unexpected encounter occurs, no matter what it was. Because it was not expected, it interrupted the spirit meant to be achieved by the long walk. It is not necessary to define whether the walk should be long or short. While taking a walk, one may decide to stop, turn around, and return home. Those mini-decisions are freeing in and of themselves. Taking a walk has no station in life; anyone can do it. What must be worn is also dictated entirely by the person taking the walk. Comfort is key.
Party Not being a party planner is not a barrier to organizing a good party. First, decide what sort of party it will be. Once, I invited someone to a party, and she asked me what kind of party it was. I said it was just a party—a get-together. In her question, I sensed that she was seriously trying to make up her mind if she wanted to attend. Based on my answer, I am sure she would have declined a formal affair, but a get-together sounded safe, so she joined us. Whether you choose to have formal invitations, an RSVP, and a themed setting—all of those particulars are the joy of planning and hosting. As part of the process of shopping for food, drinks, and decorations (if decorations are needed), keeping a positive attitude will exude high spirits to the attendees, making their enjoyment truly meaningful. The point is that what you share subconsciously is also part of what you invite your guests to experience.
Confidence as Survival A lot of experiences can be intimidating. Learning to be confident is first taught at birth as parents coo and ooh over a baby, encouraging it to smile and respond to their voices. Learning to walk requires a great deal of encouragement, but in the end, the baby learns to walk with or without it. It is instinctual. Is it possible, then, that we all possess a certain level of confidence, and it is simply that others have more of it—or learn to cultivate more of it—and thus challenge those of us who have less? The point is not that we lack confidence; rather, we perceive others to have an abundance of it, allowing ourselves to erroneously believe their reality while we self-sabotage. Self-correction is better than projection. There is no risk of making a mockery of others over what we cannot see. If we approach others with kindness and an acceptance of a "no, it is me, not you" mentality, perhaps we might hear them more clearly and understand them better. If we also embrace others as they wish to be embraced—when it is safe to do so—perhaps life experiences will be more meaningful, saving us from wasting time on meaningless or harmful choices. Similarly, if we approach God as sinners because we are inherently inclined to sin, perhaps our disposition will not be one of confrontation or causing pain. We will recognize that we are not the creator, but the creation—the product formed by God or that higher force.
Caring About Others Caring for oneself is important before we can care for others. Preparing to say "I care about you" needs a lot of studying and a lot of positive experiences. Some pain may be involved—through the loss of loved ones, not knowing one's family, living a difficult life, or living a good life that lacks meaning, having limitations, or not having control. Notice that first we must learn to care for ourselves before we can care for others. As children, parents tell us how to care for ourselves: "Pick up after yourself." That takes away one more chore a parent does not have to do, while also teaching a child to live an organized life and learn structure. An abandoned child may learn to care for itself, though inefficiently. Caring brings closeness and understanding. It incites pleasure zones in our brains and brings satisfaction—like giving a sick person a visit or bringing them chicken soup. It may be presumptuous, but it is a form of caring that rewards the actor. Caring about how we speak is a safety net for the avoidance of dangerous outcomes and disappointment. We often hear, "I did not like her tone" or "his tone." Because we are at the mercy of others, many rituals are available to avoid such situations. One can become a student so that one does not have to take abuse because of a lack of income. One might seek therapy to learn how not to accept abuse from others simply because they care about them. Many attend classes to learn to care for the sick—whether for a salary or out of devotion to a loving family member. In all cases, the motivation is to avoid pain. One might even accept an abusive experience in their life because they care about vulnerable family members they are trying to protect. In this case, caring is not psychologically rewarding; there are no active pleasure zones, but caring in this circumstance is life-saving.