The Meaning of Life

JANYLIS DIFO

I’ve always known that I was different and not in an abnormal way but in a sense that I never could grasp onto the meaning of this life. I always knew I was different because each day I was a new person. Today I was curious, today I couldn't understand the reality of anything at all. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know why the color of the sky is blue and not green or why everyone is put through something in life that will make them want to die.

On Monday I was angry, I was angry at the person I am now and more so truthfully I was angry that I actually haven’t changed at all even when I said I was going to. I was angry because I miss the person I lost within all the trauma. Inside I’m still that girl that was too much but talked too little. I still am that girl that acted like I didn't burn myself the night before when I said I’d stop two years ago. I still do things to please people like make sure I have all A’s so that one teacher will be proud and I can feel good enough for 2 seconds but I stopped showing it, I started pretending like I care about people’s boring materialistic conversations or that I care about others judgment when deep down I know they’re judging because they judge themselves in the mirror. Everyone around me will leave at some point and the blood on my wrists that I painted myself will not matter anymore. I've always known I was different because there would be times where I would blank out into thin air and end up thinking of a white wall trying to comprehend how the world works while everyone else goes with it. and although i’ll never be able to find out what’s true or false, I will say that right now I am inspired. I am inspired to write about my thoughts and realize something new on the way like I did 2 seconds ago. and that tomorrow I'll be sad, I'll walk around the halls, say hi to people I'll never see again and force myself to act like everything’s okay.