Disinforming students and the University community since 1893
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Volume 34, Issue 420
February 24, 2022
Choke Artists No More
UNC FOOTBALL TEAM TAKES LIFE-SAFETY CLASS TO PREVENT MORE CHOKING E. E. UNC’s Daddy
After pulling off one of the worst choke jobs in sports history, the North Carolina Tar Holes football team is being required to take a life-safety class to prevent more choking. On Nov. 26, 2021, the Tar Holes held a nine-point lead with two minutes left against the NC State Wolfpack and had a 99.9% chance to win, but that’s when things fell apart as a rash of choking broke out from the entire team and the Wolfpack came back to win it 34-30, handing the Tar Holes one of the most humiliating losses in school history. Seeing this, the American Red Cross stepped in and is now forcing the entire team to take a life-safety class to prevent future incidents like this. Among the skills the team will be learning are the Heimlich maneuver, CPR; and basic first aid. The players seem to agree that the class is needed. “We choked the hell out of that game, so yeah we need it,” said quarterback Sam Howell. “It’s embarrassing and has tarnished the name of our school, and we should do anything to prevent something like that from ever happening again.” Last season, when asked about NC State, Howell infamously said, “We don’t care about them,” yet when he scored a touchdown in this year’s
WAYNE KERR/DAILY TAR HELL
He falls lmao.
game, he had the audacity to shush the crowd of the team he doesn’t care about. “We don’t care about him,” said an anonymous NC State fan about Howell. “He sucks.” Here’s how the choking sequence all went down: With 2:12 left in the game, the Tar Holes kicked a field goal to go up 30-21. When the field goal was made, some players for the Tar Holes started prematurely waving goodbye to NC State fans, which was not a
smart move. “They shouldn’t have done that,” said head coach Mack Brown. “It was foolish and irresponsible. I’m not going to allow such unsportsmanlike conduct from this prestigious institution, which has never cheated at anything and prioritizes academics, especially among athletes” On the ensuing drive, NC State quarterback Devin Leary threw a touchdown pass to receiver Emeka Emezie, which made the score 3028. In the play, Emezie cooked UNC
cornerback Tony Grimes, whose fivestar rating coming out of high school turned out to be worth absolutely nothing. “I’m straight up trash, bro,” Grimes said. After the touchdown, NC State went for an onside kick and got it as 5-foot-8 kicker Christopher Dunn proved to be a man amongst boys and recovered his own kick, giving the Wolfpack the ball back. “That little man scared the hell out of me,” said UNC cornerback Trey
Morrison, who had a clear shot to recover the kick. “I saw him coming and I panicked, so I jumped out of the way, and he got it.” With the ball back again, the Wolfpack took it down the field, and with 1:09 left, Leary threw another touchdown to Emezie, who mossed UNC defensive back Cam’Ron Kelly and effectively became UNC’s father, putting the Pack up 34-30. The Tar Holes had one last chance at the end, but the wildly overrated Howell threw an interception on the last play of the game to seal it for the Wolfpack. Another humiliating moment of the game came in the third quarter when NC State receiver Thayer Thomas scored a touchdown, then trolled the Tar Holes by mimicking the Air Jordan logo with his celebration. “That celebration was epic,” said Michael Jordan, who graduated from UNC (in case you somehow didn’t already know). “UNC should use him as the logo instead.” The Tar Holes are scheduled to enroll in the life-safety class in the spring after they complete other rigorous classes such as history of basket weaving, advanced basket weaving and underwater basket weaving, but most players plan on skipping the class just like every other class they’ve “taken,” yet will still earn an A.
Frats Protest Coke-Free UNC
GREEK LIFE OVERTHROWS STUDENT GOVERNMENT FOLLOWING DRUG BUSTS Mara Wonna Resident Stoner
After many hours of rioting, UNC fraternities have successfully overthrown the student government. A crowd of average looking white men in Vineyard Vines button downs and loafers could be seen terrorizing the student government building for the past week, and they finally succeeded in implementing Chad Brad Jones, a member of Kappa Sigma Ligma, as the new student body president. “I guess we were sick of the oppression of Greek life on campus,” Jones said. “Last year, three different frats were shut down for selling coke. UNC is not only oppressing us but our entrepreneurial spirits.” Douglas Shackelford, dean of the Kenan-Flagler Business School, said he had mixed feelings about the drug ring bust. “I mean, obviously I can’t condone 21 students being involved in
an elaborate drug ring,” Shackelford said. “But I do have to give them props for creating a successful business model. I will always be proud of students applying knowledge they gained in the classroom to the real world.” When asked why police did not intervene as the frat members rioted in the student government building, UNC Police Chief Wilbur Bacon said many officers turned a blind eye to the situation. “Many of the members of the frats have stickers on their cars that say, ‘Back the Carolina Blue,’ so we felt a real solidarity with them,” Bacon said. According to Jones, the new student government will be making a few changes on campus. UNC’s motto, previously “lux libertas” has been changed to “your mom,” and the Old Well now produces White Claw instead of water, in partnership with Sig Nu’s initiative. The student government build-
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Several UNC Greek life students fighting for their right to light a blunt.
ing now has a banner made from a bed sheet hanging out the front
WRAP BEFORE YOU TAP MIKE HUNT
windows, the front desk has been replaced with a pong table, and
”
MOLLY TOKE/DAILY TAR HELL
members are currently working on a drive thru for their “pharmacy.”
2
News
February 24, 2022
www.technicianonline.com
Established 1920 We’re better than The Daily Tar Heel JAYLAN HARRINGTON EDITOR-IN-CHIEF TECHNICIAN-EDITOR@NCSU.EDU CARYL J. ESPINOZA JAEN TRISTAN TUCKER MANAGING EDITORS TECHNICIAN-MANAGINGEDITOR@NCSU.EDU AVERY DAVIS NEWS EDITOR TECHNICIAN-NEWS@NCSU.EDU
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MYRA BARI ASSISTANT CULTURE EDITOR
MOLLIE MITCHELL PHOTO EDITOR TECHNICIAN-PHOTO@NCSU.EDU
NICHOLAS SCHNITTKER SPORTS EDITOR TECHNICIAN-SPORTS@NCSU.EDU
The Technician (USPS 455-050) is the official student newspaper of NC State University and is published every Monday and Thursday throughout the academic year from August through May except during holidays and examination periods. Opinions expressed in the columns, cartoons, photo illustrations and letters that appear on the Technician’s pages are the views of the individual writers and cartoonists. As a public forum for
CHLOE ALLEN VIDEO EDITOR TECHNICIAN-VIDEO@NCSU.EDU student expression, the students determine the content of the publication without prior review. To receive permission for reproduction, please write the editor. Subscription cost is $100 per year. A single copy is free to all students, faculty, staff and visitors to campus. Additional copies are $0.25 each. Printed by Triangle Web Printing, Durham, NC, Copyright 2022 by North Carolina State Student Media. All rights reserved.
Shein shutdown causes stir on campus Emileigh Higgenbothem Shein Campus Ambassador
On Feb. 16, popular clothing website, Shein, was blocked from the UNC Wi-Fi server causing a series of mental breakdowns from students. The school may face lawsuits from key donors. Shein is a niche underground website where UNC students get their avant-garde outfits for every occasion including darties (day parties), GDT Baths (Good Day to Be a Tar Heel Baths) and wine nights (wine nights). Thousands of students met on campus in a fiery rage to protest against the loss of their beloved fast fashion go-to. Mary-Anne Elizabeth, a second-year studying marketing and Tri Ligma sorority member, attended the protest. She said she doesn’t know how she could make it through the semester without being able to access Shein during classes. “If I don’t get 1,000 scrolls per class, there’s no way I’ll be able to pass,” Elizabeth said. “There is no way I could just sit and listen to a lecture without being on the Shein website.”
BARB DWIYER/DAILY TAR HELL
Holly Wood (left) and Jada Clapp (right) review the latest Shein review deals moments before the shutdown crushed their fast fashion shopping dreams.
Dan Cooper, a counselor at counseling and psychology services, said the line for walk-in appointments was out the door an hour following the website being blocked. He said there was no consoling the devastated students. “Our office was swarmed within an hour,” Cooper said. “The therapy puppies didn’t even stop their tears. We didn’t know what else to do.” Elizabeth said the blocking of
Shein is violating her rights as a young woman. “It’s my right to be able to view and purchase from the Shein website whenever and wherever I want,” Elizabeth said. “My father pays $420,000 to this school. This school owes me.” Since the interview, Elizabeth has called her daddy. In a statement, UNC said the website will be available again Monday.
2/18/22 | PUBLIC NUDITY Hooker Fields University Police respond to reports of shirts and skins kickball game getting out of hand.
2/22/22 | LARCENY Manly Residence Hall University Police responded to the theft of laundry from the dryer. The clothes had been found in a different dryer, and the individual was seen on video putting into the dryer where the clothes were found.
POLICE LOG 2/15/22 | FALSE REPORT Fraternity Court University Police received a report for the theft of a catalytic converter from a vehicle. Individual misunderstood the mechanic, who meant it was no longer working.
2/16/22 | SUSPICIOUS PERSON Granville Towers University Police came in contact with an individual who was in the location with no need to be in the location.
2/18/22 | THEFT Boshamer Stadium Suspicious person in red garb reported stealing first and third bases.
UNC to cut millions of dollars from library’s budget, students seeking asylum at NC State’s Hunt Library Hugh Nedesbooks Tar Heels Quarterback
After years of students complaining about the state of the UNC libraries, administration finally decided to take action, announcing that the University is planning to cut $5 million from the libraries budget to be put towards student athletes’ tutoring programs. Ramsey Packer, a first-year studying engineering, said the new decision has him questioning his choice to attend UNC. “Even though I want to study engineering, for some reason, I decided to come to UNC,” Packer said. “Now that I’ve seen the libraries, I fear I’ve made a mistake. I mean, have you seen the Hunt Library at NC State? That thing is nicer than all of UNC’s campus.” Sport Zarthabest, the vice chancellor of finance, said the main cuts will be coming from the library’s collection budget and will be redistributed to the athletics department to help pay for the football team’s tutoring. Reid Moore, a fourth-year studying English, said this is particularly hard to digest because the libraries are already lacking essential material. “We’ve got a whole wing of Davis Library dedicated to just Michael Jordan paraphernalia, but last semester I couldn’t find a copy of ‘Macbeth,’” Moore said. “Not that all the copies
LAKYNN FUNDS/DAILY TAR HELL
Hunt Library now houses over 30 UNC students, who are using Chapel Hill branded sleeping bags to finally get some peace and quiet.
were just checked out — they’re not in the system at all. I don’t think the library owns them.” Following the announcement, NC State University offered the fifth
floor of James B. Hunt Jr. Library as a place of asylum for UNC students who seek a comforting atmosphere and need resources to complete assignments.
NC State Chancellor Randy Woodson said they were overwhelmed with the influx of UNC students following the announcement and had to adapt.
“We’ve also decided to provide the sixth through ninth floors of D.H. Hill Jr. Library for the students,” Woodson said. “Don’t worry. We’ve got the room.”
Culture News
23
February 24, 2022
Deadly Kenavirus strikes campus: Heads exploding from massive egos
Jack Ash Real Estate Mogul
Last Monday, Alert Carolina notified students about an outbreak medical experts have termed Kenavirus, a potentially fatal disease that causes blood vessels in the brain to burst. The cause has been determined to be massive egos. After some preliminary investigation, officials have deemed this virus limited to Kenan-Flagler business
students. Chad McLad, a fourthyear studying business, discussed his experience with the Kenavirus. “I was just driving my whip down Franklin after my class when my head started throbbing like crazy,” McLad said. “I’ve never felt pain that intense. My vision got all blurry, and that’s when I really started to freak out. If my seats didn’t go all the way back, I probably would’ve passed out.” Witnesses reported Chad’s 2007 Honda Civic swerving into a handi-
alized that aneurysms were concentrated in the prefrontal cortex.” The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that manages executive function, decision making and, most importantly, sense of self. “The nurses here spend a lot of time with Kenavirus patients and get to know them pret t y wel l,” Greene said. “They’re actually the ones that observed i ntense egos from patient charts. We were WILLIAM YEUNG/WIKIMEDIA COMMONS able to make the connection cap spot before calling 911. Medical professionals arrived shortly after from there.” Greene and her colleagues began and immediately transported him compiling any and all similarities to the hospital. “He’s actually the fifth Chad we’ve between Kenavirus patients. The gotten,” said Dr. Janet Greene, a most noteworthy was the school each patient belonged to: the KeUNC health provider. Greene, a contagious disease spe- nan-Flagler business school. Karen Davis, head admissions cialist, discussed the specifics of the counselor for Kenan-Flagler, providvirus. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” ed some insight into the unnatural Greene said. “When the first case ego boost leading to severe Kenavicame in, we were clueless, but after rus infections. “Being the ‘Public Ivy’ school that the Chads started rolling in we re-
UNC is, we just can’t accept everyone,” Davis said. “We take this even more seriously for Kenan-Flagler because, as everyone knows, we’re one of the top-rated business schools in the nation. Only the best and the brightest get accepted into our program.” Unfortunately, the best and brightest are now subject to Kenavirus. Despite the obvious risk to business majors, many are chugging along in hopes of avoiding the disease en route to Wall Street.
“The only thing certain right now is that Kenan-Flagler students are at highrisk. Stay humble and stay safe.
”
“Our professors know what we’re capable of,” McLad said. “I’m not even applying to jobs with a starting salary less than six figures.” At this point, a treatment plan for Kenavirus hasn’t been confirmed. Possible curriculum shifts and exposure therapy are currently being discussed, but there’s no conclusive evidence to support either path. The only thing certain right now is that Kenan-Flagler students are at highrisk. Stay humble and stay safe.
Buzzed beyond belief: Old Well water fountain replaced with White Claw Al Caholic
Slightly Drunk Staff Writer
Following backlash from angry Twitter users regarding the hundreds of students drinking from the Old Well at the beginning of the fall 2021 semester, UNC officials have changed the century-old water fountain to dispense a much more universal beverage: White Claw. A petition from Sig Nu in October 2021 put the plan into motion. According to its GoFundMe, members of the fraternity wanted to “get hammered BEFORE my 8:30. It’s bad enough that I have to take physics, anyway.” Students had the option to choose between White Claw, Natural Light Naturdays and Aristocrat vodka, and following a vote, the ever-popular seltzer officially replaced water in the Old Well fountain in January 2022. Lorraine Lee, a self-described “cool mom,” made the first donation to Sig Nu’s GoFundMe. “There was no beverage like
White Claw back in my day,” Lee said. “The least I can do is ensure all students have the opportunity to get buzzed on the world’s best seltzer before heading to class.” Since the grand re-opening, it’s common to see students guzzling Natural Lime White Claw sideways for 30 to 45 minutes at
“Since the grand re-opening, it’s common to see students guzzling Natural Lime White Claw sideways for 30 to 45 minutes at a time.
”
a time. On Friday afternoons, a crowd forms as various fraternity members challenge each other to keep their lips sealed to the fountain’s spout for hours at a time.
“I gotta admit, it’s been pretty enjoyable so far,” said Trent Terrace, a second-year studying dental hygiene. “The lime f lavor is kinda gross, but still. It’s really brought the campus community together.” Although the Old Well was updated in hopes of mitigating further backlash, Twitter users are as upset as ever. “#StopUNC” and “#ShutDownOldWell” were trending on Tuesday. “I mean, I don’t see the big deal,” Lee said. “Won’t the alcohol kill any COVID germs, anyway?” In the meantime, UNC officials are receiving pushback from students to change the f lavor from Natural Lime to Black Cherry. According to a new petition from Kappa Sig on Change.org, the fraternity members would like to see either a change in f lavor or a “new Old Well” placed adjacent to the current one to dispense Bud Light instead of “any of that fruity
crap.”
ILDAR SAGDEJEV/WIKIMEDIA COMMONS
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February 24, 2022
News
Tar Helen
Kunal Lin-Gus, graduate student in your mom
GRAPHIC BY CANDICE/DAILY TAR HELL
Opinion
February 24, 2022
25
FEATURED ONLINE READER COMMENT We think we’re better than everyone else MADDY OKRIDY THE MOTTO PHOEBE BRIDGERS LOUD LARRY SILENCED PAT AGONIA SPELUNKER WANNABE STICKY SOCKZ YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW
JOE BANGLES CHICKEN-IN-CHIEF UR MUM ISO DUMB MAGIC TONY THE BALLAD OF CANDACE TOP RICHARD CRANIUM HEAD GIVER
“Who’s running the asylum over there UNC?”
EXCHANGE OF THE DAY
“You’re just mad you didn’t think of it yourself” “Killing myself?”
Column: It’s 2022, time for Mommy’s money got some recognition as well mommy? sorry. mommy? sorry. mommy? sor-
Onion Editor
We’ve all heard it before, the term “Daddy’s money,” of ten used to describe how gorgeous gorgeous girls pay for a new BMW after crashing their Mercedes, get their hands on the hottest new clothing brands or can afford to stay seven years at UNC-Chapel Hill. The term also applies to how Johnny Tarheel, strutting around in his blue striped polo and retro Air Jordans, manages to fund his various addictions despite losing thousands in crypto. These stereotypes lead many to falsely believe that a majority of the student body at UNC relies directly on Daddy’s money, when this is in fact untrue. It’s 2022, and time Mommy’s money got some recognition too. The descriptions above certainly do apply to many at UNC, but a large portion of these entitled vegetables actually receive financial support from their mothers. University data from the 2019-20 academic year showed that of the 47% of undergraduates who did not accept financial aid, 69% reported their mothers as a primary source of income. These girl boss moms are the ones that for years have been giving their children the latest lacrosse gear or the most expensive diamond earrings, and now it’s time to hand them a college edumacation. In comparison to men, women are just as capable of raising children who possess no shred of financial responsibility, so why don’t we give any credit to mom’s moola? Mothers are also among the largest group of donors to the University and student organizations. Just this year, the University received a grant from a cool mom for a campus improvement project to replace the water in the Old
GRAPHIC BY ANN TYVAX
Well with White Claw. Additionally, fraternities on campus have received a total of $5,319,009 in donations from moms alone. The only thing that made the treasurer happier than this total was turning his calculator upside down to read it again. The frats, however, are traditionally very good at expressing their appreciation toward moms, which is a step in the right direction. During parents and families weekend, houses are adorned with large sheets and banners displaying how much they love MILFs and thanking dads for their daugh-
ters, who are just future moms, especially after a night at the frat house. Other organizations that receive a good chunk of Mommy’s money include the Zumba club, charcuterie club and the men’s swimming team (I wonder why). If we are ever going to start respecting Mommy’s money, we should first start respecting where it comes from. Many moms have built reputable careers through lucrative multilevel marketing businesses such as Pampered Chef, Thirty-one or Mary Kay. Whenever a mom rolls up to a university tour in a light pink Cadillac,
you know their kid is getting in because of all the dough they could bring to the university, and admissions begins licking their chops. Other moms have risen to financial prosperity through selling cursive shit on Etsy, becoming Bumble ambassadors or by being really really good at couponing. Among the moms who graduated from UNC, some even manage to use their media and journalism degree to become extremely overqualified bloggers. It is clear that exclusively using the term “Daddy’s money” is an outdated, sexist inaccuracy. So,
how do we fix this? Well, when trying to be more inclusive of Mommy’s money, try assuming it was mommy from the get go, you’ve got a 69% chance of being right! Next time you see Chad making a b-line past the library in a Supreme hoodie, consider saying “Hey man, nice hoodie, after I’m done with your mom tonight you think she’ll buy me one too?” Or maybe next time you’re cracking jokes at the dining hall, try “Yo mamma’s so rich, her bank account has more zeros in it than a youth group on a Friday night.’’ It’s little things like these that will help break the stigma.
Column: Students, sell your souls to the ram Joe Momma Overqualified Freelance Blogger
The school who shall not be named is considered to produce the craziest fans in college basketball. Yet, I know in my blue heart of hearts this title rightfully belongs to the Tar Heels. The “Cameron Crazies” have sold their souls to the blue devil, now it’s time to sell our souls to our lord and savior King Ramses. That isn’t to say UNC students aren’t passionate about our team or that Dook students are more devoted — I know I go bananas every time I see our lord and savior King Ramses busting it down on the court. Dook students, however, are blessed with court-side seating while we’re re-
duced to dabbing in the nosebleeds. While better seating could be one solution to our utterly unacceptable situation, I have better alternatives to offer. If UNC students want to earn the coveted title of most feral followers in the NCAA, we must give our minds, bodies and spirits to the Tar Heel cause. Before we can call ourselves true fans, we need to be purified in the name of our lord and savior King Ramses. The only way to do this is to be baptized in the water of the Old Well. The liquid which has flowed through alumni of ages old and unvaccinated students today is key to cleansing, and thus revitalizing, our team spirits. But dousing ourselves in filthy well
water is only the first step to reaching our goal. We must follow up this act with consistent worship. Only then can the collegiate sporting world even begin to consider us remotely crazy. Although worship can take many forms, I’ll suggest a few ways we can fulfill this sacred duty. As being the absolute zaniest basketball fans requires an enormous amount of effort, I suggest holding no classes and closing all locations on campus in observance of game days. That way, all our attention and energy is focused on being the wildest, most rambunctious crowd to ever enter the Dean dome. Whether you take a dirty Dukey or slaughter your first born, you
likely have a ritual you perform before any Carolina sporting event. In addition to those pre-game rituals, I propose students and faculty engage in a prayer in honor of the ungulate Father before tip-off. Refusal to do so should result in nothing less than expulsion. If you’re a real Tar Heel, you won’t stop at praying before every basketball game. When there’s a pause in the game, stand up, grab a friend and go down to the court. Just like the races you did as a kid, assume the wheelbarrow position as the other person drives you. Then, lick the floor clean. Show them how crazy you are. When I say crazy, I mean apey, balls-to-the-walls sicko mode. If
you’re not soiling your trousers from sheer excitement at the color baby blue, are you even a ram? No, you’re a traitor. Go to Duke — I mean — hell. For anyone who is still confused, when you decided to attend Chapel Hill, you not only made a questionable life choice but also an eternal commitment to being a Tar Heel. As stated in our bop of an alma mater, we are Tar Heel born, Tar Heel bred, and when we die, we are Tar Heel dead. This life chose us, we didn’t choose it. No thoughts, only Chapel Hill. Chapel Hill is life. Chapel Hill good, Duke bad. All hail Ramses. OOGA BOOGA UNC OO OO OO OO AHH AHH AHHHHHH HJVDVSVSIDWDWBVKVUB.
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February 24, 2022
Pretentious Opinions Continued
GRAPHIC BY ANN TYVAX
Letter to the Editor: Die, Tuffy III Rameses XXII
The Greatest Mascot of All Time
I, Rameses XXII, follow in the hoofsteps of 21 majestic rams who have proudly represented the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. For nearly 100 years, we have graced the football field and been met with nothing but love from our beloved student body. But, my Tar Heels, a threat has emerged recently which troubles me greatly. I have tried to hold my tongue, but enough is enough. In July 2021, the lowlives at NC State posted a photoshoot of Tuffy III, their newest mascot. The photos blew up on social media, lauding Tuffy’s “cuteness.” I was first made aware of Tuffy III’s arrival by coach Mack Brown, who, after profusely apologizing for waking me from my midday nap, showed me the dreadful images. Since then, I see Tuffy every time I close my eyes. Those hideously large ears are burned into my brain forever. Allow me to make myself abundantly clear: I am not, in any way, jealous. I write to you only to alert you to the dangers of Tuffy III and in no way because I feel inferior to him. His youth and sprightliness do not concern me. Why would I be jealous of him? Honestly, I feel sorry for him. He’ll have to realize youth and adoration only last so long. But, if I do catch you saying he is cuter than me, I will personally
shidding and crying and pissing and c*mming
Squeezy Typhoon, a third-year studying philosophy
headbutt you with the force of a thousand rams. You herd me. Any Tar Heel who shows any sign of thinking Tuffy is cuter than me will get a personal visit from yours truly. We must not overlook the dangers of Tuffy. Since his arrival, the Wolfpack miscreants have gloated over us. Just the other day, as I lounged by The Pit, I overheard a girl in enemy red say how “Tuffy is literally the most adorable thing ever.” These are fighting words. We must stay vigilant. I write to you as a call to action. I ask you, students and staff, to keep your eyes and ears open. Treat Tuffy as the parasite he is, protect yourself
from his supposed charm. If you hear or see any sign of the little mutt, report the responsible individual to me immediately. I’ll take it from there. In add it ion to headbut t ing Tuffy-loving traitors, I will also go out of my way to trample anyone who does not cheer for me at games. When I walk onto the fields, I expect to see each and every one of you smiling ear-to-ear. I will pay close attention to the student stands, making sure my presence is appreciated. If I notice even one of you looking bored or dissatisfied with my performance, I will do everything in my power to trample you right then and there. I
don’t care if I interrupt the game. It is my greatest hope that we eradicate the Tuffy Parasite. He is my greatest offense, second only to the Blue Devil of course. His existence has tarnished my throne and I seek revenge. I trust, as the all-knowing excellent scholars you
are, you’ll understand the gravity of this situation and do as I have asked. If not, I will make life a living hell for you. I’ll make sure you regret it if you don’t. #RamesesIsLiterallyTheCutest
SPEAK OUT SUBMISSIONS Do you hate UNC-CH? We want to know why! Send your letter to the editor to our office at 151 E. Rosemary St., Chapel Hill, NC 27514 or via email to opinion@dailytarheel.com. Because we are stingy, we edit for space, clarity and accuracy ... but not for curse words because we are cool now.
February 24, 2022
SportsThursday
7
Time traveler says Icepack remains undefeated against Tar Heels in 2069 William Wordsmith Laughter Crafter
The more things change, the more they stay the same. According to time traveler U.C. Deez-Knuts, this adage even rings true in hockey. Deez-Knuts brought tales from the year 2069 to proclaim that the UNC Tar Heels club hockey team has yet to defeat the NC State Icepack. Deez-Knuts described how Tar Heels hockey is the future laughing stock of the Atlantic Coast Collegiate Hockey League, similar to the Texas Longhorns in college football and the New York Jets of the NFL. In the absence of any real success in nearly half a century, Heels hockey fans fancy their team to be constantly on the cusp of a revival, only to completely and utterly fail in the face of any real test. 2069 Icepack head coach Rob Bring’Amour-Trophees also traveled with Deez-Knuts to comment on the situation. “It’s pretty much a meme at this point,” Bring’Amour-Trophees said. “The Heels talk a lot of smack, but our record against them speaks for itself.” Nearly 50 years have passed since October of 2021 when it was estimated that the Icepack would beat the Tar Heels for the next decade. As of the summer of 2069, despite the Carolina
Hurricanes’ 21 Stanley Cups ma k ing t he Triangle a Mecca of hockey, UNC has fallen short, time and time and time again against the Icepack. “It’s hard to pinpoint when the rivalry got so one-sided,” Deez-Knuts said. “It’s been like that for as long as I can remember, and I won’t be born for another 20 years.” Despite the heav i ly lopsided rivalr y bet ween t he Icepack and the Tar Heels, the two teams and their respective fan bases have found a multitude of ways to keep the animosity fresh. In 2030, an Icepack fan snuck into the Tar Heels’ home arena and repainted all of the seats NC State red. In 2049, a UNC fan slipped past security in the tail end of another 42-0 blowout to
Why is that kid yelling so loud it’s college hockey not the NHL...
the Icepack (a scoreline that became a meme in its own right) to steal a Zamboni, resulting in the funniest police chase of the 21st century. “Yeah, that Zamboni thing was hi-
larious because he clearly didn’t know how to operate it,” Deez-Knuts said. “Like most Tar Heel fans, he doesn’t know much about hockey in general.” Deez-Knuts said he will stay in 2022
SUS SPORTS PHOTOGRAPHY
until April 1, when he plans to make “a dramatic and hilarious exit.” DeezKnuts refused to elaborate with anything other than maniacal laughter.
‘The bad man can’t hurt us anymore’ Eighth Woods Joint Roller
&
The Law Tax Evader
The countdown is officially on for fans of UNC-Chapel Hill men’s basketball, who are anxiously awaiting the day the Duke men’s basketball head coach Mike Krzyzewski can no longer harm them. A f t e r U NC ’s mo s t re c e nt ass-whoopin’ from the team in the better blue, it was more clear than ever that Tar Heel basketball will always live in Coach K’s shadow. With Krzyzewski guaranteed to finish his career with at least a .500 record, “Daddy K” has already cemented his legacy against UNC’s less-than-stellar basketball program. “We have an extremely complicated family tree,” said head coach Hubert Davis. “Coach K is my daddy, but he was Roy Williams’ daddy too, and Dean Smith’s before him.” Upon hearing the news, one student took to TikTok to celebrate. Briggs Edwards, a first-year studying interpretive dance and social media, partnered with forward
Armando Bacot to take in the news. “I just couldn’t hold in my joy,” Bacot said. “I started whipping and nae-naeing uncontrollably, griddying, you name it. I’m so happy that Coach K can’t hurt us anymore. The bad man is finally going away.” Despite making painfully choreographed TikToks, Bacot is far less coordinated on the court, taking up Grayson Allen’s technique for blatantly risking players’ safety when his shot isn’t falling. Many figure that this outburst of foul play is likely due to nightmares that Bacot has been experiencing over his college career, in which an abnormally buff Krzyzewski ridicules Bacot for only using the 10-pound weights for his bicep curls. “Ever since UNC started making student-athletes go to class, Bacot has been even more unhinged,” said Bacot’s child psychologist, and ethical mentor Julius Nyang’oro. “He keeps going on about some ‘buff Coach K’ nonsense and repeatedly calling Paolo Banchero ‘zaddy,’ I’m afraid we’re losing him.” Unfortunately for UNC students, one member of Krzyzewski’s bloodline remains. Michael Savarino, Krzyzewski’s grandson, is a true menace between the lines. Savarino lives rent free in guard Caleb
Love’s head (as well as the Durham County Detention Facility). Savarino, a noted baller averaging an absurd 1.1 points, 10 beers and three near-misses per game this season, is sure to strike fear into the hearts of the men’s basketball team (and pedestrians). In order to combat the rising threat of Savarino, the Tar Heels are looking for reinforcements. According to sources, the team will look to sign Seventh Woods for his 84t h collegiate season. With Woods, UNC is likely safe from torture from the next generation of Krzyzewski’s. The team just has to look both ways before it crosses the street. GHOSTBUSTERS PHOTOGRAPHY
Mike Kryzewski -- aka Satan Himself -terrorized UNC for too long. Now he returns to his hellhole to regenerate his limbs to fight next year.
Classifieds
February 24, 2022
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To place a classified ad, call 555-SUK-ITJO or visit dookrejects.com/classifieds
Daily Tar Hell DTHCrossword
HELP WANTED PART-TIME VIDEOGRAPHER UNC’s Administrative Office is looking to kickstart Kevin Guskiewicz’s OnlyFans project titled “Daddy Gushie.” Applicants must be comfortable with recording ASMR as the Chancellor screws over students.
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BOXING COACH Zeta Tau Alpha is looking for a boxing coach to help train the girls for their next boxing match against Delta Psi Phi, the gender inclusive arts and literary fraternity (also known as St. Anthony’s). Please reach out to our chapter president ASAP or else non-binary people will slaughter our lame parties and gender segregation as we know it.
BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY STUDENT MODELS Want to take yassified thrifts and fits to the next level? Submit your best angles to @tarheelthreads and earn exposure <3 Bring inspiring funky fits or be doxxed.
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NEAR UNC CAMPUS ALPHA KAPPA DELTA THETA Exceptional rush event for Alpha Kappa Delta Theta, Chapel Hill’s honors fraternity. Admission and coke are free for business and humanities students.
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LOCAL BUSINESS SHOUTOUT SUPDOGS SupDogs, our underrated and hole-in-the-wall shiny little diner needs some more hype. All UNC Students get a free hot-and-slimy dawg if they show that their blood really bleeds #BABYBLUE
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A group of anonymous students are staging a kidnapping of Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter so she can come back to Franklin Street. Contact the Editor-In-Chief to get in touch.
EYE ON THE TOWN
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Local 506 is hosting an afterparty where we’ll (hopefully) celebrate the slayage of Duke’s basketball team on Saturday, March 6. Bring in your Duke friends and trust that we’ll break their skulls open.
WE ARE YOUNG fun. Give me a second I I need to get my story straight My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State My lover she’s waiting for me just across the bar
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THEATER OPPORTUNITY
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Across 3. Mack isn't 5. UNC's daddy Across Across 6. Worse than hell 3. Mack isn't 3. Mack isn't 7. Chapel 5. UNC's daddy 5. UNC's daddy 8. Uglier than Tuffy III6. Worse than hell 7. Chapel 9. Where freshmen religiously use their fake 6. Worse than hell 8. Uglier than Tuffy III
7. Chapel 9. Where freshmen religiously use their fake 8. Uglier than Tuffy III 9. Where freshmen religiously use their fake
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Down 1. UNC's superior 2. GOAT (as you people say) Down 4. The ceilingDown 1. UNC's superior
1. UNC's superior 2. GOAT (as you people say) 4. The 2. GOAT (asceiling you people say) 4. The ceiling