Mental Health Journeys: Follow your dreams, not your fears

This is the first of an ongoing series called Mental Health Journeys where Technician’s staff discusses their mental health experiences.

I’ve always been shy. In fact, for the first few weeks of preschool, my teachers thought I wasn’t able to speak. In elementary school, talking was almost as natural as breathing, but I hardly went out of my way to make friends.

By the time middle school rolled around, everything started to take a turn for the worse. Like anyone else my age, I was burdened with typical teenage angst and insecurity. And like everyone else, I desperately wanted to be liked. To that end, I did the only reasonable thing someone in my position could do — I tried to change everything about me.

In my efforts to be popular, I straightened my hair, wore trendy clothes and even adopted a new sense of humor. In the end, none of my efforts were enough to win me a coveted spot amongst the it-crowd, or even maintain my relationship with my closest friend. For no explainable reason, she shut me out, as if I was invisible. So naturally, that’s what I became.

In my mind, the solution was simple: if I didn’t speak, no one would have any opportunity to reject me, or even dislike me. Of course, not speaking also meant nobody would have much of a reason to be my friend, a harsh truth I would soon discover. With virtually no one at my side, my self-doubt manifested itself into something more chronic — social anxiety and depression.

Yet, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Not long after receiving my official diagnoses, I found myself immersed in a world once unfathomable to me, a world where I could begin to face my worst fears and overcome them. When I was first introduced to Sertraline and therapy, I was ashamed: How could I be worthy if I couldn’t master my own mind? Little did I know how much those two things would not only benefit me but change my perspective on mental health forever.

Slowly but surely, I witnessed something amazing take place within and all around me. In the span of a few years, friends I was afraid to make before emerged, motivation returned and a general sense of peace replaced the panic-ridden mentality that haunted my existence for so long. The life I wanted when I was in eighth grade was finally here, and it was mostly thanks to medication and my therapist. With that realization, I gained a deep appreciation for mental health, and thus, a newfound confidence in my abilities.

For the first time in seemingly forever, I shifted focus to something other than my fears. Finally understanding my worth, I found the courage to step out of my comfort zone and discover my passions. I signed up for my high school’s yearbook class, where I eventually got promoted to design spreads. Then, I did something even more unimaginable for someone as shy as me — I started my own club, the Student Mental Health Alliance.

When I arrived at NC State, I hoped to continue that momentum. Not even a month after being here, I pitched my first article idea for Technician, and within weeks after that, held my first printed work in my hands. Don’t get me wrong — even the thought of speaking in front of a few people was anxiety-inducing, but I didn’t let it hold me back from writing about issues that mattered to me. I refused to stop letting my insecurities prevent me from doing what I loved anymore.

One and half years later, I’m still writing for Technician, and doing more than that fearful middle school girl ever envisioned for herself. Just this year, I started working as a research assistant for the Teen Health Lab and assisting the campus community as a mental health ambassador. All of this is to say — I found something more important to me than my anxiety. I found a purpose, and that is to pull others from the trenches the same way my therapist did with me. While I would love to say healing is easy, the truth is it’s not. Healing isn’t a linear path — it’s rocky and full of unexpected twists and turns. Even if the darkest days are over for me, not everyday is guaranteed sunshine. In all honesty, I still struggle to open up to others. The difference between a few years ago and now is that I don’t allow myself to get in my way. At the end of the day, the only person that can live the life I want is me, and that is something I’m willing to fight for.

If you or someone you know is having a mental health emergency, the Counseling Center can be reached 24 hours a day at 919-515-2423. If you are in a crisis situation and need immediate help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. In the case of a life-threatening emergency, call 911.

The Counseling Center’s website offers free online screenings, a plethora of selfhelp resources regarding mental health and wellness concerns and a comprehensive list of campus services available for those who need guidance. To view an exhaustive list, visit counseling.dasa. ncsu.edu/resources.

If you’re seeking professional counseling or other mental health services on campus, visit the Counseling Center’s Getting Started page at counseling. dasa.ncsu.edu/about-us/gettingstarted to complete paperwork, set up an appointment and more.