Misinforming students and the university community since 1893
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Volume 420, Issue 69
January 23, 2020
The season of giving
North Carolina men’s basketball team donates wins to programs in need Charity Work Tennis Enthusiast
It’s that time of year. Our favorite time of year. The only time of year that truly matters here in beautiful Chapel Hill, as we can finally prove ourselves after months of telling our fellow ACC schools: “Just wait until basketball season.” But it was getting easy — almost too easy. Beating Dook and little brother NC State just seemed like any other day here in paradise. As a result of this, we Tar Heels have volunteered to take a year off and hang up our Michael Jordan jerseys for a minute to allow these inferior schools to catch up. Behold, charity work. “There is no other reason for UNC to be losing,” said diehard Tar Heels fan Chad Smith. “We are giving other schools a real chance here, and on the plus side, I can get all my gear at Walmart discounted this season.” Basketball god-coach Ray Billiams said he made the decision following another breezy walk in the park over
the Oregon Ducks back in November. “It hit me at the Oregon game,” Billiams said. “I was shaking Dana Altman’s hand after our expected victory, but something didn’t feel right … I felt empty.” The Heels went on to donate the next four consecutive games, with its largest gesture being given to Wofford College (it’s a college in South Carolina, in case you’re wondering). Carolina went on to lose 68-64, going 23-63 for field goals and 6-19 for 3-pointers. Junior forward Garrison Brooks didn’t get the memo, going 8-10 for field goals, but we will forgive that. Thirty-something percent shot accuracy is obviously not the Carolina way, but hey, it’s for the greater good, right? We caught up with star freshman guard Dole Canthony, a beloved Heel who has missed the last eight games due to injury. “It’s whatever,” Canthony said. “I ain’t got class or practice or nothing. I’m chilling.” UNC traveled to Blacksburg Wednesday night to take on Virginia Tech, another team that needed our
PHOTO BY BEA NISS/THE DAILY TAR HELL
help after a recent loss to Syracuse. Our gracious basketball team handed the Hokies a 79-77 double-overtime win. We all know in our hearts that our superior basketball program is doing the right thing. Winning every game
can get tiring, and we need some time to find more room for another natty trophy (remember 2017, Dook?). At the end of the day, the sky will always shine Carolina blue, and by next year we will be back
from our championship hiatus. So I will leave now with a message to all these other schools: take this chance and this gift while you can, because the Michael Jordan jerseys will be back next year, and there will be no mercy.
NC State students discover campuswide mold problem on UNC campus Nick Furry Culture Editor
While visiting Chapel Hill to give trainings on inclusion and diversity, NC State students noticed a pungent smell in each of the buildings they went into, said Scarlett Johamsandwich, a third-year studying environmental engineering. “It was like something was rotting,” Johamsandwich said. “One of our students actually had to go outside for fresh air because he felt sick to his stomach.” Johamsandwich said she asked UNC faculty about the smell, but they didn’t understand the issue. “They were clueless,” Johamsandwich said. “They said, ‘What do you mean? It always smells like this.’” Johamsandwich said she and one of the other presenters, Mark Buffalo, a fourth-year studying molecular biology, astrophysics, biochemistry and nuclear engineering, found the air vents covered in mold. “It looked like something out of a horror movie,” Buffalo said. “There were green spots all over this one air vent we found, like some sort of monster. We knew there had to be more for it to smell as bad as it did. As we kept
walking, each air vent we passed was covered in mold.” At the time, Johamsandwich and Buffalo were in Abernathy Hall, but after finding the source of the stench, they went back to the other buildings to see if those air vents were also covered in black and green spores. “We walked back through Battle Hall, Fordham Hall and Howell Hall, and we looked at the air vents on each floor, and all of them were affected,” Johamsandwich said. “What was so shocking was that these buildings were nowhere near each other. Chapel Hill really has a widespread issue here.” After the October mold outbreak at Granville Towers, a privately owned residence hall at UNC, students living there were relocated to hotels for a few weeks, but Chancellor Kleanin Goosekieshitz said that for an issue this large, the university needs a new plan. “I’ve been working with [NC State Chancellor] Randy [Woodson] to figure out a plan for Chapel Hill students to continue classes at NC State temporarily,” Goosekieshitz said. “Frankly, I’m at a bit of a loss for what to do.” As of now, there is no definite plan for how Chapel Hill will approach this issue, but Goosekieshitz said students,
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GRAPHIC BY ANNA LEE/THE DAILY TAR HELL
faculty and staff will not be allowed on campus while the issue is being handled. According to Cryon Mi, a counselor at Chapel Hill, the mold is the worst in his building.
DRINK AND BLUE ANDERSON BREWERY, SOCIAL ALCOHOLIC
“It’s been a basketball season full of tears,” Mi said. “There’s been so much crying, from disappointed freshmen who came here expecting a winning season to seniors who wanted to leave on a high note.”
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Mi said all the crying has left excess moisture in many of the air vents on campus. “I don’t think there’s one person in the UNC family who hasn’t cried at least once a week this season,” Mi said.
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News
January 23, 2020
www.technicianonline.com
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Technician (USPS 455-050) is the largest student newspaper of NC State University and is published every Thursday throughout the academic year from August through May except during holidays and examination periods. Opinions expressed in the columns, cartoons, photo illustrations and letters that appear on the Technician’s pages are the views of the individual writers and cartoonists. As a public forum for student expression, the
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UNC accused of hiding more information, no one surprised Dilla Doe Conspiracy Theorist
In August, U.S. Department of Education investigations concluded that UNC was found in violation of campus safety laws after apparently failing to report some teensy-weensy minor incidents that have occurred over the years. When this information was handed over to UNC leaders, information was almost immediately passed onto students after a brief, three-month moment considering whether or not it was that big of a deal. While this information was shocking to some, other students seemed unbothered and did not believe the claims. “They hate us ‘cause they ain’t us,” said Sigma Apple Pie Fraternity President Brad Biggins. “They said the same stuff about our basketball team. Go Heels!” For the past decade, UNC has been under fire from other jealous institutions for claims that student-athletes were not attending classes or were enrolled in fake classes, according to Chancellor Kelley Gusksksksks. These claims were dismissed by the NCAA, of course. “We will always protect our athletes,” Gusksksksks said. “They are our top priority. Also, our other students too.” In response to the news, the univer-
GRAPHIC BY ZINGLE BELLE/THE DAILY TAR HELL
sity has put out a job listing for a new member of the Board of Governors, as none of the sitting members seem capable of listening to student input. “I’ve never communicated with students in the past, and I won’t start now,” said board member Withers McSmithers. “Listening to them makes my shingles crawl.” A mass email will be released to
students sharing the men’s basketball team’s current winning record, according to Gusksksksks. There is predicted to be an uproar after the release. “In conclusion, these allegations against our campus will be taken very seriously,” Gusksksksks said. “We will need to be more careful in the future to ensure any further scandals go unnoticed.”
9:14 A.M. |DRESS CODE VIOLATION Old Well Student arrested for breaking Vineyard Vines dress code.
8:47 P.M. | ASSAULT AND BATTERY Dean E. Smith Center Student STOMPED, SMACKED, AND STEPPED ON for wearing red at a basketball game. He was color-blind.
POLICE LOG 7:15 P.M. | NOISE COMPLAINT Craige Residence Hall Police alerted due to a noise complaint after wittle students beddy-weddy time at 7 pm; crying student found in corner of bedroom sucking thumb and holding a blankie.
8:46 P.M. | POLICY VIOLATION Davis Library Basketball player taken into custody after being caught in the library with a textbook, highlighter and notebook. Charges have been pressed by the nerd hired by the athletic department who usually does his homework.
2:30 P.M.| CLOWNERY UNC Kenan-Flagler Business School Business student taken into custody after posting a Zillow listing for the entire UNC Campus; someone already bought it for $2.69.
7:27 P.M. | DINE AND DASH Elaine’s On Franklin White administrator doesn’t pay restaurant bill; owners apologize to him.
Newz
January 23, 2020
Silent Sam deal falls apart, nobody wants this thing Beavers Just Beavers
Just as the UNC Board of Governors has finalized a recent $2.5 million settlement with the Sons of Confederate Veterans (SCV) organization for ownership over the Silent Sam confederate statue, recent developments have shown this deal may be close to unravelling. In a bizarre string of coincidences, it seems the SCV, as well as every other organization the board was in talks with, has abandoned interest in Silent Sam. As we previously reported, members of the SCV were previously at odds about the settlement, but in the wake of this, more and more have come out against it as they realized their friends felt the same way. Than Chadson, member of the SCV for five years, said after reading what others had to say, he came out publicly against the move. “Before, I was thinking like yeah, I guess we could do something cool with the statue,” Chadson said. “But then some of my friends said they weren’t really interested in Silent Sam anymore, and that got me thinking. I’m already not super excited, and this deal kind of sounds like we’ve got to do more work with cleaning and maintaining it now. Did we really think this through?” Several others from the SCV also
said they no longer supported the deal. Robbie Lee, member of the SCV for eight years, said after getting a chance to look at the statue, he lost interest. “We’re fighting over this thing?” Lee said. “I was checking it out, and I’ll be honest, after five minutes, I got bored. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad statue, but it’s not like the world’s greatest statue either. Not worth all the trouble, if you ask me. I hear Raleigh’s got some great Confederate statues; maybe we should look at those instead. Did we get bamboozled into a bad deal or something?” The short answer is yes. According to emails obtained through public record requests, Board of Governors members unanimously agreed they had to get Silent Sam as far away as possible, as the statue was haunted. “Use whatever means necessary to get the statue off our hands,” one email read. “I swear to God, this thing’s haunted. I went to check in on it a few weeks back, and I heard a voice in my head telling me crazy things like ‘pay your grad students more’ and ‘quit giving athletes a free pass on classes.’ I’ve never been so terrified.” After the emails surfaced, Grant Dragon, commander of the SCV, completely went back on the deal. “I’ll be honest, I set this up because I thought everybody was super into Silent Sam,” Dragon said. “Turns out the boys are pretty indifferent on it, and on top of that, the Board of Governors
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PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY BEAVERS AND BUTTHEAD, PHOTO CONTRIBUTED BY DAILY TAR HEEL
Silent Sam, once the pride of campus, lays collapsed on the ground. Seeing that no one wants to take responsibility, maybe it is better to leave it as is.
say it’s cursed and they don’t want it? That’s why they really pushed this $2.5 million on us — they were trying to get rid of it real bad. So I said, ‘We’ve got to bail.’ I told all my buddies outside the SCV as well, because no one deserves to be swindled like that. Ghosts and curses are spooky serious business.” The North Carolina Republican Party was similarly in talks to take the statue, but after surveying constituents to see what public opinion would be, it backed off. According to leaked docu-
ments provided to the Daily Tar Hell, over half of the people surveyed said they think the statue’s reputation has been tarnished by being on a left-leaning campus for so long. “Sure, the statue was made to honor some Confederate guy, and I’m all for that,” said one anonymous responder. “But think of how many commies and liberals and vegans have come by it. That really takes away from the value. Also, what kind of sick joke is this: The gun he’s holding isn’t even real. That
kind of sounds like an attack on the second amendment, if you ask me.” UNC-Chapel Hill Chancellor Kevin Goosekiwis, appointed as of Friday, Dec. 13, stated in a release that in the wake of these revelations, he is resigning immediately. “It’s only been a month, but I can’t take it anymore,” Goosekiwis said. “I’m seeing Silent Sam in my dreams now. I really thought we were going to get rid of it, but literally nobody wants this thing.”
Campus climate survey results confirm UNC sucks Ophelia Buns
Sucky School Surveyor (and Analyst)
A new campus climate survey for UNC-Chapel Hill shows 90% of students are dissatisfied with their experience. 14% of students said they found the classes “not up to their standards,” 58% said the student body was “not like they thought” and 573% said they’re upset about the sports. 10% were too busy studying to answer the survey. Freshman and former high school bully Dirty Dan said his experience has been poor so far. “After the academic scandal, I was hoping that I could get into some of those classes that guarantee an A without any work,” Dan said. “As a bully, I know how to get my way, but when I got here, I realized that UNC suddenly cares about academic integrity and wouldn’t be offering those classes. This makes me question whether I made the right decision to go to college.” Dan also said there wasn’t much of a party scene outside of Greek Life. He said the only place he can “get lit and turn up” is at The Library. Hottie Coldman, a junior studying white feminism, said professors seem to care more about athletics
than her student life. “Even when our basketball team isn’t doing well, professors of mine still stop class to applaud the athletes that attend,” Coldman said. “This is a 2 p.m. class on how to win a beauty pageant, so I’m not sure why they keep celebrating class attendance for athletes.” Coldman said she is taking a class called PHYA 101, Coping With Basketball Losses, and said she still hates her school even after learning tips and tricks to move on after losing. Despite the criticism, many students praised the vast array of courses students could take, including PARK 150, Finding Parking On Campus; UGHH 250, Living In A Box On Franklin Street; and BRUH 450, Getting Through Fraternity House Party Suspensions. Self-proclaimed “goody twoshoes” Eugenia Fitzherbert, a junior still trying to please mother, said she was hoping UNC would have more academically rigorous peers. She went to high school in Kansas City. “Turns out that most of the student body consists of in-state students who breezed their way through high school and got in because that’s what everyone does in North Carolina,” Fitzherbert said. “There’s an unwritten code or some-
thing that high schoolers have to get into Carolina. Therefore, we get local students who had no idea that Carolina was difficult to get into.” Brittany Duh, a senior getting some girl wasted, said her biggest complaint was the lack of student parking on campus. “My advisors suggested to me that I just park on the street and accept a parking ticket every day, hoping I don’t get towed,” Duh said. “The parking people told me that the only spaces they had left were on top of Wilson Library. The top of the building is domed, so I had to superglue my car so it wouldn’t fall off.” Some complaints were about the Kenan-Flagler Business School. Reginald Ballderdash, a freshman studying white-collar crime and president of Kuppa Chai Tea, said he was disappointed he never had the opportunity to buy the school using his personal trust fund. UNC administrators are slowly responding to complaints from students; however, half of the staff is on a manhunt for the enormous spider art piece that came to life to terrorize the students on campus. Students who wish to voice their opinions can join the line outside of Chancellor Kalvin Goosekiwi’s house to talk to available administrators.
GRAPHIC BY RAM SHEPPARD/THE DAILY TAR HELL
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Opinion Culture News
Gameday, January 23, 2020 January 23, 2020
Shocking discoveries found under Top of the Hill Dante Fieri Local Drunk
Top of the Hill. Could it be any clearer? It is a restaurant and bar at the top of the hill. However, recent studies done by the Department of Geological Sciences may change that. Cole Meiner, a professor of Geographic Information Sciences and Geovisualization, led a team of student researchers who surveyed the campus and surrounding area and compiled the data into a topographical map. “It was honestly quite simple,” Meiner said. “We hired a bunch of NC State students to survey the area because they were tired of surveying the Court of North Carolina, so all we had to do was supervise. Then we sent the data to the SAS Institute for analysis and made it into a map.” Some of the student researchers found the process disturbing, as the results challenged some of their core beliefs. Stella G. Mite, a junior in geology, discussed some of these findings. “Based on our preliminary results, we started questioning that Top of the Hill may not actually be at the top of the hill,” Mite said. “After the results came back, we were all in shock. Top of the Hill was shorter than one other place: the Moe’s across the street.” Johnny-Joe Junior Jr., the owner of
BOBBUS GOODPHOTO/THE DAILY TAR HILL
guys this is a real life undoctored photo i promise !1!!!!one!1! it’s of hell under chapel hill can you tell???? ok don’t tell mom i said hell. #nofilter
Moe’s Southwest Grill on Franklin Street, responded to this shocking news. “I always knew this place would be a gold mine someday,” Junior said. “I’m honestly shocked that they just figured this out.” The researchers tested the soil around the building and found it was originally shorter than Top of the Hill. They found the building was actually raised by 12 feet since being built due to the massive amounts of methane being released in the bathrooms of the restaurant.
Mike Roe-Brury, the manager of Top of the Hill, commented on what this means for the restaurant. “I honestly don’t know what we’ll do now,” Roe-Brury said. “Our entire shtick was that we were at the top of the hill, and now that’s been stripped away from us.” That isn’t the only thing he should be worried about. The researchers actually found something far more interesting. “Originally, we thought Top of the Hill was built over a sinkhole, which is scary, but it’s actually so much more,” Mite said. “Top of the Hill is actually
built over the pits of Hell and could be considered the first circle of Hell.” Reid Abook, a professor who specializes in literature of the Middle Ages, offered his expertise on the topic. “Have you ever been to Top of the Hill?” Abook said. “If anything is the opening to the pits of Hell, it’s that.” Pearl E. Gates, a divinity professor at Duke, was also consulted by the research team. “I think the most interesting thing about the investigation is that we found the River Styx actually flows under I-40,” Gates said. “When we followed the river, it led directly to the final circle of Hell, which is actually the traffic circle on Hillsborough and Pullen.” Authorities have detained NC State Grandpa Tom Stafford for fear he could be a disguise for Charon, the river guide who helps departed spirits enter Hell. “He was too friendly to be trusted,” said the nonexistent chief of NC State University Police. Gates said Satan built the entrance to Hell under Top of the Hill due to the amount of binge drinking and pure clownery that occurs in the bar. “It just makes it easier for him, I guess,” Gates said. Top of the Hill will be changing its name within the month to Top of the Hell in order to remedy both of these findings.
Betrayal! Tensions build over naming scandal Phil McKaykes Extremely Horny Book Enthusiast
The Library, a popular bar and nightclub on Franklin Street, has recently filed a lawsuit against the university, alleging five cases of trademark infringement. The Library alleges the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill has no right to use the word “library” on signs around campus. Trey D. Mark, owner of The Library and filer of the suit, said the university’s use of this term has confused university students and is leading to a decrease in business. “We’ve seen a drop in attendance since the university began to use ‘that term’ on their buildings,” Mark said. “All I’m asking is that they change it to something less confusing, like ‘book building.’” The Louis Round Wilson Library, the oldest of the five libraries on campus, was completed in 1929. While The Library has seen a decrease in business, the campus libraries have seen a drastic rise in attendance due to their recent appearance in the media. Ima Reeder, a spokeswoman for University Libraries, said they were contacted by Mark a few weeks ago to discuss his issue with the wording. “Trey came to us saying that he had seen the Wilson Library sign for the first time since he had been owner of the club while walking around campus,” Reeder said. “He
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY PORKER KLONK , PHOTO COURTESY OF UNC UNIVERSITY LIBRARIES
An artist’s representation of Wilson Library renamed as Louis Round Wilson Libraree.
was disgusted to find that ‘competition’ had opened up in the same area under the same name.” Sam Chapelhill, a fourth-year studying kindergarten-level reading and descendant of one of the university’s founders, commented on why he thinks The Library has been losing business. “I honestly thought their business was thriving,” Chapelhill said. “When
they lessened the entry fee a couple years ago, they got a lot of business. I think their drinks are really good. Sometimes my friends make fun of me because I only spend $500 a night when I’m trying to save, but it’s still a lot of fun.” Andy Library, an undecided fourthyear and grandson of Wilson Library, said The Library is lucky his family hasn’t already sued them.
“We’ve talked about it a lot, and we’ve decided that it would just be so sad to punish them for something they didn’t know about,” Library said. “I figured they wouldn’t be charging $20 per drink if they had the money to afford a lawsuit.” Following a recent police report, it was uncovered that UNC librarians, in an effort to keep the Library family as donors, verbally assaulted Mark in an attempt to make him drop the suit. A quote taken directly from the police report is listed below: “Trey, you’re a widdle baby who sucks his widdle thumb. What are you going to do? Poop your pants? Are you going to stinky?” The report said Mark did poop his pants. When asked about the incident, Library declined to comment. However, the family later released the settlement from Mark’s subsequent lawsuit. Mark received free counseling through the university as well as 52 cents, a Now That’s What I Call Music! CD found in the backseat of one of the professor’s cars, and a coupon to Cold Stone Creamery in punitive damages. Following this bad publicity, University Libraries is caving to pressures and is polling students to determine whether they should rename Wilson Library to Wilson Libraree after prominent donor Wilson Libraree. The Library and Libraree families declined to comment on this change. This story is still developing and will be updated with any further name changes.
Tailgating with UNC: The perfect recipe Brie Charcuterie Trust Fund Baby
Everyone knows that a UNC tailgate isn’t complete without wine and a cheese plate. It is a staple of any UNC football pregame meal. Thus, it is important to choose cheeses that pair well with the bitter whine that goes hand in hand with UNC football. Ingredients •Limburger •Bitto cheese •Chèvre These cheeses pair wonderfully with each other and the atmosphere of a UNC football game. Each of these cheeses lines up perfectly with different aspects of UNC’s football team. A few may be too expensive for non-UNC students, but some substitutions can be made. Limburger is a classic Belgium cheese. It goes great with crackers and bread. The cheese has a strong smell whose stink matches exactly how the UNC’s football team makes their fans feel. If this cheese is not one for your tailgate, try mozzarella cheese. Mozzarella has virtually no smell and is as soft as UNC’s drive to win. Bitto cheese is a fine cheese from Italy. This cheese is aged for years, which will take you back to UNC’s last good football season. If this cheese is a bit out of your price range, try Kraft Singles American cheese. This cheese is as processed as the food in Kenan stadium. Finally, Chèvre is a cheese that is crumbly and goes well on bread and in salads. Chèvre crumbles easily, much like UNC’s defense. If crumbly cheeses aren’t for you, then try Cheese Whiz. It goes great on crackers and can be spread as thin as the UNC playbook.
Opinions
Time is a social construct
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QUOTE OF THE DAY DADDY G. DADDY-IN-CHIEF MRS. POSSUM TRASH FRIEND-IN-CHIEF RACHAEL LEE DAVERSE LAUNDRIN’ GREENE MONEY MOVES RAM SHEPPARD PHOTO HERDER
CAMSTAR SPADES TRIPOD GAY TONY THE BALLAD OF JOEY BARK ACTUAL DOG, WOOF CARYL J REPSEN PLEASE DON’T CALL ME NICHOLS SNICKERS CHOPPED CHAMPION
AU-STAN DUNLOW WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO
BECKY WITTA GOOD HAIR
OPINION: Is it okay to have a secret Silent Sam meeting behind students’ backs? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO. NO. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Richard Cranium No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Staff Columnist No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Literally never. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
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“I’m really excited to start working at my new position as trash friend-inchief of the Daily Tar Hell! I really feel the weight on my furry little shoulders knowing I’m the first marsupial editor in the state. I think this is a huge step forward for diversity!” Pretty Possum, Trash Friend-in-Chief
FEATURED ONLINE READER COMMENT
FACT: North Carolina should cancel 2020 elections unless Tar Heels can vote Minnie Van Dryver Vaccine Truther
In 2018, our state was struck a grievous blow when it passed a law requiring IDs for those who wish to vote in future elections. Even though it’s been blocked by a federal judge, at least for now, I’m going to completely ignore that fact. It wasn’t immediately obvious that this would be a problem, because the law allowed college IDs to count. It’s a well-known fact that a lot of UNC students go to college, so the law seemed completely fair. Then, in the most stunning plot twist since “The Sixth Sense,” the North Carolina State Board of Elections denied UNC’s application to have its IDs count. Ever since the student government voted in 2019 to require all students to major in political science and foreign literature, the whole campus has been abuzz with hype for the 2020 elections. Finally, every UNC student would have their own unique and correct views on the candidates so they could maximize their voting power. While the government has #cancelled the decision to disregard stu-
dents’ votes for the time being, it is only temporary. This decision is clearly outrageous and an affront to democracy, and quite frankly, it means that any elections held from here on out would be utterly meaningless without our educated and unparalleled perspective on politics. Without permitting our student body to weigh in, the state is essentially cancelling the election already, so it might as well make it an official policy. The Daily Tar Hell reached out to the board with a strongly worded subtweet demanding to speak to its manager. After the board failed to respond, we submitted several hundred Freedom of Information Act requests on the decision making process until they finally sent us a PDF of their comprehensive press release. According to the release, “The Board denied UNC’s application for a number of reasons. On account of UNC’s decision to permit students to choose their own ID photo, we found it quite difficult to differentiate people, as they all wore precisely the same outfit: khakis and a pastel blue sweater against a white background. Matters were further
complicated by the identical, smug grins worn by the students.” This is blatant discrimination on the part of the board; it’s not UNC’s fault any student lucky enough to get in to our school is 100% eager to dive into the community and fit in seamlessly with our rigid standards. By contrast, NC State’s application was approved, despite their students failing to enforce wearing literally the same shirt in every photo. North Carolina deserves to hear the voices of its most excluded citizens, and currently, that’s us. When you think about it, living in Chapel Hill provides the most authentic North Carolina experience. After all, it is called the Tar Heel State for a reason. It would be infinitely better, in fact, if UNC students were the only residents who could vote. It would still be an affront to democracy, but aristocracies are so in vogue this year. In short, on behalf of all Tar Heels, and all of North Carolina and every human on or near Earth, I demand BoE let Tar Heels vote or endure the unavoidable collapse of society that would occur without our freely and loudly given advice on every aspect of life.
Column: Anal sex is a requirement, not a right Peach Emoji Stiff Condomist
It’s okay if you’re into anal. What is not okay is if you’re not! As UNC students, we have a duty to be openminded
and supportive of our minority communities on campus. One major group which experiences massive oppression on a daily basis is people who are into anal. One DTH writer, Mary Drue Hall, addressed this issue back in November
2019 with her article “Stripped: Anal sex is not my idea of a good time, but maybe it’s yours?” As she points out, anal has historically been considered a “sexually deviant” act. In fact, one reason why some consider it enjoyable, she suspects, may be the “forbidden plea-
sure” of participating in an act which is still considered a sex crime by the state of North Carolina. As such, anal falls naturally into the same category as choking, slapping and spanking — other sex acts which were once considered deviant but are now the norm. I’ve never tried it myself, but I can assume based on these precedents that it is quite painful, even with proper preparation and communication with my potential partner. People who are into anal have to experience this pain on a regular basis. As UNC students, our best option for supporting communities like these, who suffer from such afflictions as poor decision-making and wrong opinions, is to share the load. By participating in anal sex, we can lessen the burden of those communi-
ties who legitimately enjoy it by turning it into a fad trend. As our own writer pointed out, watching porn causes people to have anal sex, so try it sometime if you find yourself disinterested in the idea of subjecting yourself to terrible pain which you’ve deluded yourself into thinking is somehow fun. If you can’t even do that much, you directly contribute to the oppression of people who are into anal. The anal community is filled with a deep pain which penetrates us all. Please, don’t wait until you’re bored of regular sex to try anal, as our previous writer said. Our minority communities don’t have that privilege. Also, I won’t be accepting criticism on this column; I would rather do anal than subject myself to verbal humiliation.
SPEAK OUT SUBMISSIONS Do you hate UNC-CH? We want to know why! Send your letter to the editor to our office at 109 E. Franklin St., Chapel Hill, NC 27514 OR via email to opinion@dailytarheel.com. Because we are stingy, we edit for space, clarity and accuracy... but not for curse words because we are cool now!!!! #WeTryToBeEdgy
GRAPHIC CREATED BY RAFAEL ZINGLE AFTER THE IMAGE CAME TO HER IN A DREAM/DAILY TAR HELL
January 23, 2020
Ballz Friday
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Frustrated UNC basketball coach sells team to GameStop, receives 69 cents in-store credit Ponty Mython
ied on what price Jilliams-Jenkins had in mind, he was certainly not satisfied with just 69 cents of in-store credit. “This is outrageous,” Jilliams-JenFrustrated, LeRoy Jilliams-Jenkins, head coach of the UNC’s men’s kins said. “It’s unfair. How can you basketball team, entered the popular be UNC’s head basketball coach and video game establishment GameStop not get special treatment?” The store’s employee, Tim Wulfseeking to trade in his lackluster ball club, citing the absence of any sem- packenburg, seemed to hold an entirely different take on the issue. blance of basketball talent or skill. “I have no idea “I went into what made him t his season under the imAlthough reports think he was so entitled to more pression t hat varied on what than our raththe team would er nice trade-in cruise to 30 wins price Jilliamsprice,” Wu lfjust on account packenburg said. of the Carolina Jenkins had in “From what I can brand,” said Jiltell, his expectaliams-Jenkins. mind, he was tions of his team “I did not expect certainly not were just unrethat I would be When required to do satisfied with just alistic. you look how any amount of his competitors coaching or do 69 cents are performing, any real work in it looks like the order to perform well. My disappointment is immea- tar is on the other heel.” It will be interesting to find out surable and my day is ruined.” Needless to say, the trade-in did not what will become of the recently go as hoped. Jilliams-Jenkins and a turned-in squad, which the UNC GameStop employee, who later de- head coach actually described on ferred to the manager as demanded Jan. 6 as — and I cannot stress by a disgruntled Jilliams-Jenkins, did enough how real this actually is not exactly see eye-to-eye on a fair — “the least gifted team I’ve ever trade-in value. Although reports var- coached.” Lord of the Memes
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COURTESY OF DARRIS DORITO GAMESTOP EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
Bell Tower
Sunshine Chang, fourth year majoring in design studies Young Huer, majoring in studio art at Chapel Hill
Classifieds
January 23, 2020
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To place a classified ad, call 919.515.2411 or visit technicianonline.com/classifieds ANNOUNCEMENTS Crazy Axe Throwing now open in Raleigh Crazy Axe! Raleigh’s only dedicated axe throwing venue is now open and welcoming ages 18 and up. OPEN THIS WEEKEND book online or walk-ins may be available 919-900-8625 #thecrazyaxe @thecrazyaxe www.thecrazyaxe.com 10% off mentioning this ad and your Student ID Email crazyaxenc@gmail.com
HELP WANTED Seeking mature individual with pleasant personality to show rental houses to NC State Students. Fun work. 10-20 hrs. per week. Monday-Friday 1:00pm-5:00pn January - May, 2019. Excellent Salary. Office Furnished. Call day 919-833-7142 and Evening 919-783-9410. Email Resume with contact information to pjansen@jansenproperties.com. Courier/Office Assistant Raleigh Law Firm in need of a courier. Hours are M-F 12:30pm - 5:30pm. Duties include daily trips downtown (secretary of state/courthouse/ register of deeds etc.) to file/retrieve documents, general deliveries both local and out of town, as well as various office duties to include but not limited to copying, scanning, filing, mail, phones. Attention to detail is a MUST. Should be reliable, eager to learn and able to lift 25lbs. Stable vehicle required. Applicants subject to background and driving record checks. Pay for the position is $11.00/hr with mileage reimbursements. Perfect for students with a flexible schedule. Email resumes to resumes@hsfh.com
JOIN THE WELL SPULUNKING CLUB WE ARE NOT A CULT I PROMISE Membership costs $5 and your mortal soul :)
News Ballz
January 23, 2020
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Mitch Trumisky continues BREAKING: Nation’s capital moved to UNC excellence in the NFL Annapolis
COURTESY OF UNC FOOTBALL
Jameis Williams Crab Enthusiast
Move over, Phil Rivers. Get out of the way, Russell Wilson. There’s a new handsome face of the NFL. He played his college football in Chapel Hill, NOT Raleigh, and his name is Mitch Trumisky. “It’s funny when I look back,” Tru-
misky said. “I actually applied to UNC for their medical program, which would make it easier for me to fix the broken hearts of my fantasy football owners once I went pro. But once I realized I actually had to go to class, I figured that maybe the degree in Cold War-era Australian Poetry they offered me wouldn’t be so bad.” Lawrence ‘Lori’ Sephora, once the
youngest head coach in UNC football history, now known for his skincare routine, seemed to echo this sentiment, saying “It’s good that Mitch didn’t get distracted with all those classes. He was able to focus on football, and frankly, the results spoke for themselves.” In 2016, Trumisky’s only season as a starter, UNC football won eight games and reached heights it had never risen to before. To Trumisky, it confirmed what he believed during all his years at the collegiate level. “There was no doubt about it,” Trumisky said. “If I could win eight games a year with UNC, I could win eight games a year in the NFL.” Three years later, and Trumisky has more than proven his worth. After being picked with the second overall pick in the 2017 NFL Draft, Trumisky earned a well-deserved Pro Bowl nod in 2018 and was looking to improve going into his third season. “Going into the year, I set a goal for myself to lead the league in one category, and I worked as hard as I could to make sure that happened,” Trumisky said. But it wasn’t meant to be. “I tried all I could,” Trumisky said. “But Jameis Winston had an incredible season with 30 passes intercepted and there was no way I could catch him this year. But this will only motivate me even further going into next season.” However, Trumisky’s hard work also went toward other facets of the game. During the offseason, he worked on his agility and movement in the pocket. It was evident this season, when Trumisky went from being sacked 24 times in 2018 to 38 times in 2019. “What can I say? I really like feet,” Trumisky said. “It’s why I worked hard on my mobility in the offseason, and that’s ultimately why I decided to become a Tar Heel.”
able. With the North Carolina football team being awarded a bid to the Military Bowl, it was decided under head coach Mack “Mack is back with a 6-6 record” Brown that Annapolis is now the headquarters of the United States government. Because of North Carolina’s impeccable football season, which saw the Tar Heels win a whopping six whole games (more than its last two seasons combined!) and only losing all of its ranked games, coach Brown knew it was only right for his team to play under the watchful eyes of the country. CONTRIBUTED BY MY MOM WHO SAW THIS ON FACEBOOK : ) A beautiful city with a population of just under 40,000 people, Annapolis is home to the United States Naval AcadMike Ocksmall emy. Because it would be impossible Viagra Addict to distinguish the Annapolis-adjacent In a stunning turn of events, Wash- naval academy’s Navy-Marine Corps ington is no longer the capital of the Memorial Stadium from Washington United States of America. The historic D.C., coach Brown and the North Carfederal district named after Revolu- olina football team felt there was no tionary War commander-in-chief and choice but to make Annapolis the new capital of the first President United States of the United Washington D.C. is and therefore States George bestow upon Washington giving way to a new the team the has been relegated to a successor, one that this honorable achievement meaningless of playing in area. time will actually be a bowl game Anconsidered a city. in the nation’s nounced by capital. the University Stay tuned of North Carolina at Chapel Hill football team just for more updates as the United States a few weeks before Christmas, historic government attempts to transport the Washington D.C. is giving way to a new White House and Capitol Building successor, one that this time will actu- from Washington D.C. to Annapolis. No word yet on whether the Washally be considered a city. The title of nation’s capital now be- ington Capitals and Washington Nalongs to Annapolis, Maryland. The de- tionals will be relocating and changing cision to move the capital wasn’t made their names to Annapolis Capitals and lightly, however, it was indeed unavoid- Annapolis Nationals, respectively.
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UNC flooded by tears of students Joe Mama Staph Riter
A massive saltwater f lood has hit UNC’s campus hard Saturday night following the basketball team’s fourth loss in a row. The source of the f looding is reported to have been the Old Well, which has overf lown with the tears of UNC students. Eyewitnesses have seen several UNC students gather around the well over the past few nights to mourn the team’s atrocious 8-9 record. With safe spaces being taken up completely, the students are now forced to use the Old Well. The f looding has caused severe damage to multiple different parts of the campus, including various academic buildings. The library has been absolutely devastated by the f looding, but nobody seems to be worried about it. UNC janitor Hyler Tansborough talked about the destruction caused by the f looding. “We had a library?” Tansborough said. “That’s crazy. In my four years here I didn’t even use it once. Anyways, I haven’t heard
anything about it.” Even Cha ncel lor Gus Kevinkiewicz has yet to react on the library’s annihilation. The quad has also been hit very hard by the f looding. This has forced the Pit Preacher to relocate, and he was last seen in the Duke chapel praying for UNC’s basketball team. The Dean Dome is reportedly not damaged at all, but head coach Ray Billiams has tried to cancel the rest of the season, which was denied by the NCAA. However, the NCAA did help the cause by deny ing U NC any postseason tournament and shortening the duration of the f looding. There have also been reports of some of the flooding coming from Franklin Street. The tradition of rushing Franklin Street has been replaced with “moping” Franklin Street to have mass crying and whining sessions. In hopes of dealing with this pitiful basketball season, the crew team has received a lot of praise. When the UNC crew team made the AP Top 25, retweets blew up the Barstool UNC page, which even changed its name to “No. 24 UNC Barstool.”
Blub blub blub. Blub blub Jan. 18, 2020, blub blub. Blub blub blub blub.
The crew team has been seen at several frat parties and bars getting free drinks. There have even been several reports of the crew team members losing their virginities. The f looding is not expected to stop. Frankly, it’s just getting started and is expected to get even
worse. With UNC’s game against NC State coming soon, the university is bracing for impact, as there will be an enormous wave of salty tears. UNC students hope Cole Anthony can help minimize the f looding, but not even the potential lottery pick can halt the catastrophe caused by the “least
WILLIAM WHET/DAILY TAR HELL
talented” team Billiams has ever coached. After the initial flooding ends in early March, meteorologists claim the f looding will pick back up in late August. On the bright side, the basketball team has received several large sponsorship offers from Kleenex and Puffs.