3 minute read
Washed Up
A kelp crab molting. Photo by Mike Kelly
Getting Out of Your Shell
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By Mike Kelly
washedup@northcoastjournal.com
Ianswered the doorbell and found crabs. All three of those are true cancer Wonder Woman standing there in full crabs, though. The northern kelp crab is a costume. She explained that she was decorating spider crab, which we nit-picky a space alien telepathically disguising biologists don’t consider true crabs. So herself. In order to gain acceptance, maybe I deserved it that time one cut they appear to Earthlings as the subject of open my fi nger. our most recent erotic fantasy. It totally Then I found a small juvenile. “Oochi worked and I invited her in. (My dog must koochi koo!” Wonder Woman said. The have thought she was Lassie because he little crab was decorated with bits of kept humping her leg. And she didn’t mind!) algae attached to tiny hooks on its back. I
While researching Earth, this alien had explained that the attached bits may help discovered that the northern kelp crab camoufl age the crab but they are mainly (Pugettia producta) resembles her species there to be used later as food. quite closely and she wanted to meet Wonder Woman tried some kelp and them. She had read the online version of said it wasn’t bad. I mentioned that northWashed Up and knew that I would be the ern kelp crabs do mainly eat kelp but, in perfect ambassador to facilitate their fi rst winter when the kelp dies back, they will contact. switch to feeding on encrusting animals
So quickly, before my wife got home, I like barnacles, mussels and hydroids. took Wonder Woman to a rocky shoreline. We then found an adult female carrying Northern kelp crabs typically live on dense tens of thousands of grayish-purple eggs kelp in shallow water, a habitat most com- under her abdomen. The color indicated mon where it’s rocky. However, they can the eggs would hatch soon. This prompted be found all along the West Coast wher- Wonder Woman to ask if we could fi nd ever else kelp is attached, like on docks in a pair of crabs having sex. I told her no Humboldt Bay. because kelp crabs move out to deep wa-
While waiting for the tide to recede, ter to mate. So she swam out to sea. She we searched for washed-up kelp crab found a mating pair in about 200 feet of molts. Northern kelp crabs shed their water and got some video she said would exoskeletons several times before reaching be worth big money back home. a maximum size at sexual maturity. This is Satisfi ed with the educational advenunlike our Dungeness crabs, which contin- ture, we went back to my house. She fi nalue molting and growing after maturity. We ly asked what it was my dog kept doing to found some nice fresh molts on the beach her leg. I said, “Uh … It’s like an Earthling, and Wonder Woman collected them for um, symbolic gesture to wish you, uh, to show-and-tell back on her home planet. live long and prosper.”
Then we searched for some live kelp Wonder Woman asked if it would be crabs. When I uncovered the fi rst one — a culturally appropriate for an alien to wish large brown-backed and crimson-fronted me well like this. And I was like, “Sure!” But adult male — Wonder Woman squealed, then, oh no! My wife got home to fi nd me “He’s sooo handsome! And his claws are having my leg humped by Han Solo. She so big!” didn’t mind.
Indeed, I estimate that northern kelp ● crabs have the fourth pinchiest claws of Biologist Mike Kelly (he/him) writes our local crabs. Ahead of them are Pacifi c science-based satire as M. Sid Kelly. It’s rock crabs, red rock crabs and Dungeness available at Eureka Books and for Kindle. OPEN FOR DELIVERY, TO-GO & CURBSIDE PICK UP
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